Seinfeld

From Wikiquote

Jump to: navigation, search
This television article needs cleanup. Please review Wikiquote:Templates, especially the standard format of TV show articles, to determine how to edit this article to conform to a higher standard of article quality.

Seinfeld (1989-1998) was a television sitcom about four friends living in New York City, considered to be one of the most popular and influential of the 1990s in the U.S.

Contents

[edit] Season 1

[edit] The Seinfeld Chronicles (Pilot) [1.1]

Jerry: See, now, to me, that button is in the worst possible spot.
George: Really?
Jerry: Oh yeah. The second button is the key button. It literally makes or breaks the shirt. Look at it, it's too high, it's in no-man's land. You look like you live with your mother.
Clair: Trust me George, no one has any interest in seeing you on caffeine.
George: What, it was purple, I liked it. I don't actually recall considering the button!
Jerry: Oh you don't recall?
George: Uh no, not at this time.
Jerry: Well, Senator I'd just like to know what you knew and when you knew it.
Jerry: If you've got a t-shirt with blood stains all over it maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem right now.
Jerry: Women know what men want, men know what men want. What do we want? We want women!
Jerry: [to George in the laundromat] You can't over-die, you can't over-dry!
George: [to Jerry] I can't believe you want to bring in an extra bed for a woman who wants to sleep with you. Why don't you bring in an extra guy too?!
Jerry: (answering the phone) If you know what happened in the Met game, don't say anything, I taped it. Hello?
Jerry: [to Laura] So...uh make yourself at home. Uh, can I get you anything? Bread, water...salad-dressing?

[edit] The Stakeout [1.2]

Jerry: [opening bit] I think to a man, a check is like a note from your mother that says "I don't have any money, but if you'll contact these people, I'm sure they'll stick up for me... If you just trust me this one time I don't have any money but I have these... I wrote on these... is this of any value at all?
George: Art...Core.
Jerry: Art Core?
George: ...velay.
Jerry: Corevelay?
Jerry: Wait a second... That's her... on the right.
George: I forgot who I am! Who am I?!
Jerry: You're you. We're having lunch with Art Corvelay.
George: Vandelay!
Jerry: Corvelay!
George: Let me be the architect, I can do it!
George: I'm, uh, I'm an architect.
Vanessa: Really. What do you design?
George: Uh, railroads, uh...
Vanessa: I thought engineers do that.
George: They can...
Jerry: So, do you date immature men?
Vanessa: Almost exclusively.
Jerry: Well, what does he do? Is he an artisan, a craftsman, a labourer of some sort?
Elaine: Wall street.
Jerry: Ahh, high finance: bulls... bears... people from Conneticut.
Elaine: And he happens to be pretty good lookin'
Jerry: [pause] Alright, sir.
[playing Scrabble with this mother, she puts down her letters]
Jerry: "Quone"?
Helen: 30, 31..
Jerry: "Quone"? No, I'm afraid that I'm going to have to challenge that.
Helen: 32..
Kramer: No, you don't have to challenge that. That's a word. That's a definite word.
Jerry: I am challenging.
Kramer: Quone! To quone something.
Jerry: Uh-huh...
Helen: I'm not playing with you anymore.
Morty: Quone's not a word.
Jerry: No good. Sorry. There it is. Get it off.
Helen: Why did you make me put that down?
Kramer: Nah, we need a medical dictionary! If a patient gets difficult, you "quone" him!

[edit] The Robbery [1.3]

Jerry: [giving Elaine house sitting instructions] One last thing, Benes. Regarding sexual activity ... strictly prohibited, but, if you absolutely must, do us all a favor and do it in the tub.
Jerry: And I cannot overstate this: no soft cheeses of any kind. Is that clear?
Kramer: I'm human...
Jerry: In your way.
Jerry: [realizing his answering machine was taken] I hate the thought of someone out there returning my calls.
Kramer: How can you not have insurance?
Jerry: Because I spent my money on the Clapco D29. It's the most impenetrable lock on the market today. It has only one design flaw...the door...MUST BE CLOSED!!
Police Officer: If we find your stuff we'll let you know.
Jerry: Do you ever find anything?
Police Officer: No.
Elaine: Jerry, look at this closet! Look at this! I'm walking in it! It's a "walk-in". Can you believe it? I'm nuts about this, what do you think?
[closes closet door with Elaine still inside]
Jerry: I like that.

[edit] Male Unbonding [1.4]

Jerry: I was ten... I would've been friends with Stalin if he had a Ping-Pong table.
Jerry: I'm really running out of excuses with this guy. I need some sort of "excuse Rolodex."
George Costanza: I know a guy who took a vacation on his change.
Jerry: Where'd he go, the arcade?
Elaine: "You ran out of underwear. You can't leave the house."
Elaine: "You've been diagnosed as a multiple personality, you're not even you, you're Dan."
George: She calls me up at my office, she says, 'We have to talk.'
Jerry: Ugh, the four worst words in the English language.
George: That, or 'Whose bra is this?'
Jerry: That's worse.
Jerry: How can you talk to someone like that?
Joel: What are you saying? What, you like turkey roll?
Jerry: ...listen, Joel. I don't think we should see each other anymore.
Jerry: [to Joel] It's not you, it's me!
George: You can't just have people shoving their arms into 600 degree ovens.
Kramer: It'll all be supervised!
[regarding George's jar of pennies]
Teller: Look, I can give you these and you can roll them yourself.
George: You want me to roll six thousand of these?! What, should I quit my job?!

[edit] The Stock Tip [1.5]

Jerry: I think Superman probably has a very good sense of humor.
George: I never heard him say anything really funny.
Jerry: But it’s common sense. He’s got super strength, super speed... I’m sure he’s got super humor.
Vanessa: I said the market fluctuates. Remember?
Jerry: Look, Vanessa, of course the market fluctuates. Everybody knows that. I just got fluctuated out of four thousand dollars!
Elaine: What do you think a hit man would charge to rub out a couple of cats?
Jerry: Well, it couldn't be too expensive. $13, $14 a cat?
Elaine: You want to make $28?
George: They're about to introduce some sort..of robot butcher.

[edit] Season 2

[edit] The Ex-Girlfriend [2.1]

George: Look, do I have to break up with her in person? Can’t I do it over the phone? I have no stomach for these things.
Jerry: You should just do it like a band-aid: one motion, right off!
George: It was like I was makin' a prison break. You know... and I'm... I'm heading for the wall... and I trip and I twist my ankle... and they throw that light on you. So, somehow I get through the crying and I keep running. Then the cursing started. She's firing at me from the guard towers. [mocks a rifle cocking] Son-of-a-bang... son-of-a-boom. I get to the top of the wall - the front door. I open it up, I'm one-foot away, I take one last look around the penitentiary, and I jumped.
Jerry: I don't return fruit. Fruit's a gamble. I know that going in.
Jerry: You know, when you read "Moby Dick" the second time Ahab and the whale become good friends.
George: Believe me. Boy-boy-girl? It doesn't look good.
Nurse: Mr. Costanza, the doctor will see you now.
George: [sarcastic] Yea...doctor...
George: I had nothing to do with any of this! I met all her friends, I didn't want to meet them. I kept trying to avoid it, I knew it would only get me in deeper, but they were everywhere! They kept popping up, all over the place. "This is Nancy, this is Susan, this is Amy... This is my cousin... this is my brother... this is my father..." It's like I'm in quicksand!
Marlene: I can't be with someone if I don't respect what they do.
Jerry: You're a cashier!
Jerry: Books, books, I need my books!

[edit] The Pony Remark [2.2]

George: I cannot envision any circumstance in which I’ll ever have the opportunity to have sex again. How’s it gonna happen? I just don’t see how it could occur.
George: I just don't see what purpose is it going to serve your going? I mean, you think dead people care who's at the funeral? They don't even know they're having a funeral. It's not like she's hanging out in the back going, "I can't believe Jerry didn't show up".
Elaine: Maybe she's there in spirit. How about that?
George: If you're a spirit, and you can travel to other dimensions and galaxies, and find out the mysteries of the universe, you think she's going to want to hang around Drexler's funeral home on Ocean Parkway?
Elaine: George, I met this woman. She is not traveling to any other dimensions.
Elaine: And what about the pony huh? What kind of abnormal animal is that? They're like big riding dogs.
Kramer: You don't think I can do it.
Jerry: I know that you can't, and I'm positive that you won't.
Jerry: He talks about him like he split the atom. He works for the Parks Department.
Jerry: I don't even know them. What is she, your second cousin? I mean, I've met them three times in my life.
Morty: I don't know her either. She makes me fly all the way from Florida for this, and then she criticizes my jacket.
Jerry: [to Monya] These peas are bursting with country fresh flavor.
Jerry: If I have to sit next to Uncle Leo, I am leaving, He's always grabbin' my arm when he talks to me. That's probably because so many people have left in the middle of his conversation.
Helen: [to Jerry] At least come and say hello, have a cup of coffee, then you'll leave.
Morty: How come he gets to leave?
Jerry: In fact I hate anyone that ever had a pony when they were growing up!
Monya: I had a pony.
Jerry: And who wouldn't love someone who had a pony?
Monya: You! You said so!
Jerry: I didn't know she had a pony. How was I to know she had a pony? Who figures an immigrant's going to have a pony? Do you know what the odds are on that? I mean, in all the pictures I saw of immigrants on boats coming into New York harbor, I never saw one of them sitting on a pony. Why would anybody come here if they had a pony? Who leaves a country packed with ponies to come to a non-pony country? It doesn't make sense... am I wrong?

[edit] The Jacket [2.3]

Jerry: This jacket has completely changed my life.
George: Can I say one thing to you? And I say this with an unblemished record of staunch heterosexuality. It’s fabulous.
Mr. Benes: We had a funny guy with us in Korea. Tailgunner. They blew his brains out all over the Pacific... There's nothing funny about that.
George: [singing] Master of the house, doling out the charm...
Mr. Benes: Pipe down chorus boy.
Mr. Benes: [singing] Master of the house, keeper of the inn...
Jerry: How are we going to get out of it?
George: We'll say we're frightened and we have to go home.
Elaine: My father thinks George is gay.
Jerry: Because of all the singing?
Elaine: No, he pretty much thinks everyone is gay.
George: And I'll tell you something else, I'm not even going to ask you. I want to know. But I'm not going to ask. You'll tell me when you feel comfortable.. So what was it? Four hundred? Five hundred? Did you pay five hundred for this? (Jerry's acting coy throughout the whole thing) Over six? Can't be seven. Don't tell me you paid seven hundred dollars for this jacket! Did you pay seven hundred dollars for this jacket? Is that what you're saying to me?! You are sick! Is that what you paid for this jacket?! Over seven hundred? What did you pay for this jacket? I won't say anything. I wanna know what you paid for this jacket! Oh my God! A thousand dollars?! You paid a thousand dollars for this jacket?! Alright, fine. I'm walking out of here right now thinking you paid a thousand dollars for this jacket, unless you tell me different. (Jerry still coy, stays silent) Oh, ho! Alright! I'll tell you what, if you don't say anything in the next five seconds, I'll know it was over a thousand...

[edit] The Phone Message [2.4]

Donna: I asked some friends of mine this week, and all of them liked the Dockers commercial.
Jerry: Boy, I bet you got a regular Algonquin round table there.
Jerry: Kramer, this is Donna.
Kramer: [snaps fingers] Cotton Dockers! [in a deeper voice] One hundred percent cotton-Dockers. If they're not Dockers, they're just pants.
Carol: Would you like to come upstairs for coffee?
George: No, thanks, I can't drink coffee late at night. It keeps me up.
George: "Coffee"'s not coffee, "coffee" is sex!
George: The light is blinking: "Come and listen to the idiot!... The idiot's on!!"
George: [to Carol] Jerry has a fear of public toilets.
Carol: That's what you had to tell me? Your father wears sneakers in the pool?

[edit] The Apartment [2.5]

Kramer: Tell me the truth: have you ever seen a better looking guy?
Jerry: Looks are so subjective.
Jerry: [about the marathon] Ah, what's to see? A woman from Norway, a guy from Kenya and 20,000 losers.
Roxanne: The marathon is great, isn't it?
Jerry: Yes, particularly if you're not in it.
George: I lie every second of the day. My whole life is a sham.
Jerry: You have no idea what an idiot is... Elaine just gave me a chance to get out, and I didn't take it. THIS is an idiot.
George: Is that right? I just threw away a life time of guilt-free sex and floor seats for every sporting event in Madison Square Garden. So please, a little respect, for I am Costanza, Lord of the Idiots.
Woman cheering on marathon runners: You're all winners!
George: But suddenly, a new contender has emerged.
Kramer: [about Elaine] I still don't understand what the problem is having her in the building.
Jerry: Let me explain something to you.. You see, you're not normal. You're a great guy, I love you, but you're a pod. I, on the other hand, am a human being. I sometimes feel awkward, uncomfortable, even inhibited in certain situations with the other human beings. You wouldn't understand.
Kramer: I feel like I've had two lives. My pre-mousse, and now I begin my post-mousse.
Kramer: Well, occasionally I like to help the humans.
George: I'd like to have a kid ... 'course you have to have a date first.

[edit] The Statue [2.6]

Kramer: Are you Ray?
Ray: Yes
Kramer: YEAH you're the punk I'm looking for!!
Kramer: Make love to that wall, pervert!
George: [The statue] slipped out of my hand and it broke. My parents looked at me like I smashed the ten commandments. To this day, they bring it up. It was the single most damaging experience in my life, aside from seeing my father naked.

[edit] The Revenge [2.7]

Newman: [about to commit suicide] Kramer! I'm on the roof!
Kramer: Well, what are you waiting for?
George: I like sports. I could do something in sports.
Jerry: Uh-huh. Uh-huh. In what capacity?
George: You know, like the general manager of a baseball team or something.
Jerry: Yeah. Well, that..that could be tough to get.
George: Well, it doesn't even have to be the general manager. Maybe I could be like, an announcer. Like a color man. You know how I always make those interesting comments during the game.
Jerry: Yeah. Yeah. You make good comments.
George: What about that?
Jerry: Well, they tend to give those jobs to ex-ballplayers and people that are, you know, in broadcasting.
George: Well, that's really not fair.

[edit] The Heart Attack [2.8]

George: (panicking) What? Oh my god. What? Is it meningitis? Scoliosis? Lupus? Is it lupus?
Tor: Your tea is ready now. This should solve your so-called tonsil problem. It's a special concoction. It contains crampbark.
Jerry: I love crampbark.
Tor: Cleavers.
Jerry: Cleaver, I once had cleaver as a kid. I was able to lift a car!
Tor: And some couchgrass.
Jerry: Couchgrass and crampbark? You know, I think that's what killed Curly.
Tor: Do you use hot water in the shower?
George: Yes
Tor: Stop.
George: Can it be lukewarm?

[edit] The Deal [2.9]

Jerry: So how's the job situation going?
George: Still lookin'. It's pretty bad out there. What about you?
Jerry: Nothin' much. I slept with Elaine last night.


George: You ask me to have lunch, tell me you slept with Elaine, and then say you're not in the mood for details.
Now you listen to me. I want details and I want them right now. I don't have a job, I have no place to go. You're not in the
mood? Well you get in the mood!

[edit] The Baby Shower [2.10]

Jerry: Explain to me how this baby shower thing works.
Elaine: What do you wanna know?
Jerry: Well, I mean, does it ever erupt into a drunken orgy of violence?
Elaine: Rarely.
Jerry: Sometimes the road less travelled is less travelled for a reason.

[edit] The Chinese Restaurant [2.11]

George: She called. He yelled Cartwright. I missed her.
Jerry: Who's Cartwright?
George: I'm Cartwright!
Jerry: You're not Cartwri-
George: Of course I'm not Cartwright!
George: You know we're living in a society!
Larry David (uncredited): What did she say?? (constantly repeated offcamera)
Elaine: Ya know, its not fair people are seated first-come-first-served. It should be based on who's hungriest.
Jerry: You walk over that table, you pick up an eggroll, you don't say anything, you eat it, say "thank you very much", wipe your mouth, walk away. I give you 50 bucks.
George: What are they gonna do?
Jerry: They won't do anything; in fact, you'll be giving them a story to tell for the rest of their lives.
Elaine: 50 bucks, you'll give me 50 bucks?
Jerry: 50 bucks. That table over there, the three couples.
Elaine: OK, I don't wanna go over there and do it, and then come back here and find out there was some little loophole, like I didn't put mustard on it or something...
Jerry: No, no tricks.
Elaine: Should I do it, George?
George: For 50 bucks? I'd put my face in the soup and blow.

[edit] The Busboy [2.12]

[sees the manager chewing the busboy out from the dining room doorway]
Jerry: I think the busboy's in trouble.
George: Did I get him in trouble? Because of what I said?! I just told him what happened. He didn't do it on purpose!
[manager and busboy are arguing, The busboy points in the direction of George]
He pointed at me. Why did he point at me?!
Elaine: I said I would never eat here again. But, I, I.. he had to know I was kidding.
Jerry: [casually] I didn't say anything.
Kramer: ¿Como se dice.. waterbed?

[edit] Season 3

[edit] The Note [3.1]

Jerry: You hear about that kid that was kidnapped the other day in Pennsylvania?
Julianna: No.
Jerry: He was at a carnival with his mother. She goes to get a hot dog, next thing you know she turns around, boom, he's gone.
Julianna: Oh.
Jerry: Imagine how sick a person has to be to do something like that. And these people are all over the place. You never know who's crazy. I could be one of these people.
Julianna: [visibly uncomfortable] Uhm..have you seen any good movies?
Jerry: Who takes care of your boy during the day?
Julianna: We have a woman. Why?
Jerry: No no. I'm just saying.
Julianna: She had references!
Jerry: I'm sure she did, I'm sure they're impeccable. I'm talking about the ones that forge them. [refering to the massage] You know I think this is really helping.
Julianna: I don't live near here, ya know!
[Jerry comes to apologize to Julianna who has her son with her]
Julianna: I treated you, so please, just get out of the office!
Jerry: Can't you just listen to me?
Julianna: Run Billy! Run to the office and close the door!
George: This is terrible. What is this, ginger? I hate ginger. I can't understand how anyone can eat ginger.
Kramer: Hey, I saw DiMaggio in the donut shop again.

[edit] The Truth [3.2]

Jerry: So what happened? You gave her my tax papers? My papers?
George: Oh, oh, your papers
Jerry: What happened you didn't give her the papers?
George: No. I did.
Jerry: So?
George: ..I broke up with her.
Jerry: You what?
George: I broke up with her.
Jerry: I'm being audited! And you broke up with her?
George: It's OK. It's fine. She'll do it. I'm sure she'll still do it.
Jerry: Why will she still do it? She hates you now. People don't do you favors after you dump them.
George: Oh, no. We left on good terms.
Jerry: How is that possible?
George: Because I uh, I told her the truth.
Jerry: Oh my God.
George: It's OK.
Jerry: It's unheard of.
George: She asked me to.
Jerry: So you lie! What did you tell her?
George: I told her that she was pretentious.
Jerry: Pretentious!? The woman has my tax papers. You told her she was pretentious? The IRS. They're like the mafia. They can take anything they want
Jerry: You know, my cousin Douglas was in a place just like this one time. Came over to my house for dinner, there was no soda. And he went berserk. He kept screaming, "Where's the Pepsi? Where's the Pepsi?"
Elaine: You see, that's karma.
Jerry: No, that's Kramer.
George: I don't think we should see each other anymore. You're great but I'm I'm riddled with personal problems.
Patrice: What did I do?
George: Nothing It's not you. It's me. I have a fear of commitment. I don't know how to love.
Patrice: You hate my earrings don't you?
George: No, no,
Patrice: And you didn't comment on the chop sticks.
George: I love the chop sticks. I, I personally prefer a fork but they look very nice.
Patrice: You're not telling me the truth. I must have done something.
George: I have a fear of intimacy
Patrice: Don't give me cliches. I have a right to know. What did I do wrong?
George: Nothing. It's not YOU..
Patrice: I want the truth.
George: The truth. you want the truth? It is your earrings It is the chopsticks but it's so much more. You're pretentious. You call everyone by their full name You call my doorman, Sammy, "Samuel" but you didn't even say "Samuel" You went "Sam - U- EL" Papie-eh Mach-eh What is Papie-ay Mach-ay?
PATRICE: Keep goin'.
George: I, I think I made my point. I'm sorry if I was a little harsh.

[edit] The Pen [3.3]

Elaine: STELLA!!!!!!!
[Jerry's eyes are bruised all around]
Helen: What happened to your eyes?
Jerry: Well I started to go under...
Helen: With the instructor?
Jerry: Yeah, and I got about ten feet down and I felt this tremendous pressure on my mask. Like my eyeballs were being sucked out of their sockets.
[referring to Jerry's eyes]
Jack: What happened to you?
Jerry: I got in a fist fight with one of the ladies at the pool.
Photographer: Say "astronaut".
[Elaine, laughing, walks right up to the lens of the camera]
Elaine: Heh heh, say what? Haha heh! say what?
Jerry: [pulls her back] You took too many of those pills
[The dinner is an uproar while Morty and Jack are fighting]
Jerry: ALL I SAID WAS 'I LIKE THE PEN'!!!
Elaine: (comes back up) STELLA!!!!!

[edit] The Dog [3.4]

Jerry: Two hundred seats on a plane, I gotta wind up next to Yukon Jack and his dog Cujo.
Kramer: I must have been out of my mind. Look at you. Why don't you do something with your life? Sit around here all day, you contribute nothing to society. You're just taking up space. How could I be with someone like you? Couldn't respect myself.
Gavin: Prediction: You'll be calling me to ask if you can come and visit Farfel before the month is out.
Jerry: Prediction: I never see you or him again for the rest of my life.

[edit] The Library [3.5]

Bookman: You're a comedian, you make people laugh.
Jerry: I try.
Bookman: You think this is all a big joke?
Jerry: No, I don't.
Bookman: I saw you on TV once, I remembered your name from my list. I looked it up. Sure enough, it checked out. You think because you're a celebrity, that somehow the law doesn't apply to you, that you're above the law?
Jerry: Certainly not.
Bookman: Well let me tell you something, funny boy. You know that little stamp that says New York Public Library? Well that may not mean anything to you but that means a lot to me, one whole hell of a lot. Sure, go ahead, laugh if you want to. I've seen your type before, flashy, making a scene, flaunting convention. Yeah, I know what you're thinking: "What's this guy making such a big stink about old library books?" Well let me give you a hint, junior. Maybe we can live without libraries, people like you and me. Maybe. Sure, we're too old to change the world. But what about that kid, sitting down opening a book, right now, in a branch of the local library, and finding drawings of pee-pees and wee-wees in The Cat in the Hat and The Five Chinese Brothers. Doesn't he deserve better? Look, if you think this is about overdue fines and missing books, you better think again. This is about that kid's right to read a book without getting his mind warped. Or, maybe that turns you on, Seinfeld. Maybe that's how you get your kicks, you and your good-time buddies. Well I got a flash for you, joy-boy: Party time is over. You got seven days, Seinfeld. That is one week.
George: He purposely mispronounced my name. Instead of saying "Costanza", he'd say "Can't-stand-ya, can't stand ya!". He made me smell my own gym socks once.
Kramer: Bookman? The library investigator's name is actually Bookman?
Librarian: It's true.
Kramer: That's amazing. That's like an ice cream man named "Cone".

[edit] The Parking Garage [3.6]

Jerry: I could get uromisotisis poisoning and die...thats why.
George: There's elevators all over! Everything looks the same! We're like rats in some experiment!
Jerry: You know I have been issued a public urination pass by the city because of my condition. Unfortunately, my little brother ran out of the house with it this morning. Him and his friends are probably peeing all over the city.
Man: [regarding driving the gang around the parking lot to find Kramer's car] I can't do it.
Elaine: But why? Why can't you do it?
Man: I can't.
Elaine: No, see that's not a reason you can't. You just don't want to.
Man: That's right.
Elaine: But why? Why don't you want to?
Man: I don't know.
Elaine: But wouldn't you get any satisfaction out of helping someone out?
Man: No, I wouldn't.
Kramer: JERRY!!!!!
Elaine: Jerry!!!
George: Unbelievable, I'm never gonna get out of here. The guy goes to pee, he never comes back. It's like a science fiction story.
Kramer: This place is HUGE!!!

[edit] The Cafe [3.7]

Babu: You bad man! You very very bad man!
Jerry: I don't know. I'm obsessed with it. It's like a spider in the toilet struggling for a survival. And even if you know it's not going to make it, you kind of root it for awhile.
Elaine: And then you flush.
Jerry: Well, it's a spider.
Jerry: Casus belli.
Elaine: Casus..belli.

[edit] The Tape [3.8]

Elaine: (jokingly) Jerry, I want to slide my tongue around you like a snake.....Ooooooooooha ,oooooohaaaa.....

[edit] The Nose Job [3.9]

Kramer: Oh, you're as pretty as them. You just need a nose job.
George: [referring to a nose job] Peter Jennings had one.
Audrey: Really?
George: Probably. They all do. In my high school, half my graduating class had them. Of course, I'm from Long Island, so...

[edit] The Stranded [3.10]

Woman: I've lost my fiancé! How could I lose my fiancé!? Oh the poor baby!
Elaine: Maybe the dingo ate your baby.
Woman: What?
Elaine: I said, the dingo ate your baby.
Elaine: Hey, is that real fur?
Jerry: Oh boy..
Ava: It better be or my ex-husband owes me an explanation.
George: Yeah, good night.
Elaine: You don't care that innocent defenseless animals are being tortured so that you can look good?
George: Could we talk about this some other time?
Ava: Are you a vegetarian?
Jerry: Here we go..
Elaine: Yeah, I eat fish occasionally.
Ava: So you're a hypocrite.
George: Hey, I've eaten frogs, so nobody's perfect. Anyway-
Ava: Well, talk to me when you stop eating fish.
Elaine: Fish don't feel any pain.
Ava: How do you know? Do you communicate with fish?
Elaine: Well, they're not kept in little cages.
Ava: Ever seen a goldfish?
George: Goldfish.
Elaine: Yeah, yeah I've seen goldfish. They're not unhappy.
Ava: Oh yeah, right. Swim around in a bowl for two weeks and get flushed down the toilet, that's a good life. [To George] Let's go.
Elaine: Oh yeah, that's right. Go ahead, go ahead, maybe you can run over a squirrel!
George: That's why we're here in America.

[edit] The Alternate Side [3.11]

Agent: I'm sorry, we have no mid-size available at the moment.
Jerry: I don't understand, I made a reservation, do you have my reservation?
Agent: Yes, we do, unfortunately we ran out of cars.
Jerry: But the reservation keeps the car here. That's why you have the reservation.
Agent: I know why we have reservations.
Jerry: I don't think you do. If you did, I'd have a car. See, you know how to take the reservation, you just don't know how to *hold* the reservation and that's really the most important part of the reservation, the holding. Anybody can just take them.
Elaine: You'd really like him.
Jerry: Why do people always say that? I hate everyone, why would I like him?
Everybody: These pretzels are making me thirsty!! [repeated line]
[Owen, Elaine's boyfriend, is passed out on the couch]
Jerry: Should we walk him around?
Elaine and Kramer: Yes, yes.
Kramer: Yeah, I've seen them do that.
Jerry: No, no that's for a drug overdose.
Kramer: Maybe that's what he's got.
Elaine: No, no, no, no, Kramer. I just had lunch with him, he didn't leave the table.
Kramer: Well he could have dropped acid when you weren't looking.
Sid: Moving cars from one side of the street to the other don't take no more sense than putting on a pair of pants. My question to you is who's putting your pants on?
Sid: Well I'm going down to visit my sister in Virginia next Wednesday, for a week, so I can't park it.
Jerry: This Wednesday?
Sid: No, next Wednesday, week after this Wednesday.
Jerry: But the Wednesday two days from now is the next Wednesday.
Sid: If I meant this Wednesday, I would have said this Wednesday. It's the week after this Wednesday.
George: Sid, who's gonna move the cars while you're away?
Sid: Whoever wants to move them, why do I care who moves them? They can move themselves if they want.

[edit] The Red Dot [3.12]

George's Boss: It has come to my attention that you and the cleaning woman have engaged in sexual intercourse on the desk in your office. Is that correct?
George: (pause) Who said that?
George's Boss: She did.
George: (long pause, obviously thinking of something to say) Was that wrong? Should I not have done that?
Elaine: George, this is one of the nicest things anyone has ever given me!
George: Well good, good. Take it off you're going to wear it out already. It's for special occasions this thing.
Kramer: What's that red dot on your sweater?

[edit] The Subway [3.13]

Kramer: All right, Coney Island. Ok, you can take the B or the F and switch for the N at Broadway Lafayette, or you can go over the bridge to DeKalb and catch the Q to Atlantic Avenue, then switch to the IRT 2, 3, 4 or 5, but don't get on the G. See that's very tempting, but you wind up on Smith and 9th street, then you got to get on the R.
Elaine: Couldn't he just take the D straight to Coney Island?
Kramer: Well, yeah...
Jerry: Remember, don't whistle on the elevator.
George: Why not?
Jerry: That's what Willie Loman told Biff before his interview, in "Death of a Salesman".
George: What, you are comparing me to Biff Loman? Very encouraging; The biggest loser in history of American literature.
George: I hate the big broker-houses. Hate them with a passion. Big broker-houses killed my father.

[edit] The Pez Dispenser [3.14]

Jerry: Anyone who would laugh at a recital is probably some sort of lunatic anyway. I mean, only a sick, twisted mind could be that rude and ignorant.
Elaine: Well, maybe some mental defective put something stupid on her leg.
Jerry: Even if this so-called mental defective did put something on her leg, she's still the one who laughed.
Jerry: By the way, how do you warm up before you play?
Noel: I just crack my knuckles and go.
George: ...pianist. A classical pianist. She plays the piano. She's a brilliant woman. I-I-I sat in her living room... She played the "Waldstein Sonata"! The Waldstein! We did a crossword puzzle together, in bed. It was the most fun I ever had in my entire life. Did you hear me? In my life! Y'know?
[Jerry comes out of the bathroom]
Jerry: Were you talking? I couldn't hear anything.
George: I was telling you about Noel.
Jerry: Oh, Noel! Yeah, the one who plays bongos.

[edit] The Suicide [3.15]

Elaine: But here it was, mountains of duck. And not fatty duck, either, but juicy tender breasts of duck.
George: Are there terrorists on the plane? A hotel fire -- is that it? Typhus? Malaria? Yellow fever? Lupus? Is it lupus?!

[edit] The Fix-Up [3.16]

George: Is there a pinkish hue?
Jerry: A pinkish hue?
George: Yes, a rosy glow.
Jerry: There's a hue. She's got great eyebrows, women kill to have her eyebrows.
George: Who cares about eyebrows?
George: What kind of hair?
Jerry: You know, long dark hair.
George: Flowing?
Jerry: Flowing?
George: Is it flowing? I like flowing, cascading hair. Thick lustrous hair is very important to me.
Jerry: 'Thick lustrous hair is very important to me,' is that what you said?
George: Yeah, that's right.
Jerry: Just clarifying.
Cynthia: What does he look like?
Elaine: Um, well, he's got a lot of character in his face. Um, he's short. Um, he's stocky.
Cynthia: Fat. Is that what you're saying, that he's fat?
Elaine: Powerful. He is so powerful, he can lift a hundred pounds right up over his head. And um, what else. What else. Oh, right. Um, well, he's kind of, just kind of losing his hair.
Cynthia: He's bald?
Elaine: No! No, no, no, he's not bald. He's balding.
Cynthia: So he will be bald.
Elaine: Yup.

[edit] The Boyfriend, Part 1 [3.17]

Newman: June 14, 1987, Mets-Phillies, we were enjoying a beautiful afternoon in the right field stands, when a crucial Hernandez error opens the door to a 5 run Phillies ninth, cost the Mets the game.
Kramer: Our day was ruined. There was a lot of people, you know they were waiting by the player's parking lot. Now we're coming down the ramp, Newman was in front of me, Hernandez was coming towards us. As he passes us, Newman turns and says "Nice game, pretty boy", Hernandez continues past us up the ramp.
Newman: Then a second later, something happened that changed us in a very deep and profound way from that day forward.
Elaine: What was it?
Kramer: He spit on us. And I screamed, "I'm HIT!!!!"
Newman: Then I turned and the spit ricocheted off me and it hit me.
Elaine: Wow, what a story.
Jerry: Unfortunately, the immutable laws of physics contradict the whole premise of your account. Allow me to reconstruct this if I may for Ms. Benes as I've heard this story a number of times. Newman, Kramer, if you'll indulge me. According to your story, Hernandez passes you and starts walking up the ramp. Then you say you were struck on the right temple. The spit then proceeds to ricochet off the temple striking Newman between the third and fourth rib. The spit then came off the rib turned and hit Newman in the right wrist causing him to drop his baseball cap. The spit then splashed off the wrist, pauses --in mid air, mind you-- makes a left turn and lands on Newman's left thigh. That is one magic loogie.
Newman: Well, that's the way it happened.
Jerry: What happened to your head when you got hit?
Kramer: Well, my head went back and to the left.
Jerry: Say that again.
Kramer: Back and to the left.
Jerry: (looking at Elaine) Back and to the left, back and to the left.
Elaine: So, what are you saying?
Jerry: I'm saying that the spit could not have come from behind, that there had to have been a second spitter, behind the bushes on the gravelly road. If the spitter was behind you as you claim, that would've caused your head to pitch forward.
Elaine: So the spit could've only come from the front and to the right.
Jerry: But that's not what they would have you believe.
Newman: I'm leavin'. Jerry's a nut!
Kramer: (to Newman) Wait, wait, wait. (grabs golf club from Jerry)
Jerry: The sad thing is that we may never know the real truth.


Jerry: And you want to be my latex salesman.

[edit] The Boyfriend, Part 2 [3.18]

Keith Hernandez: [thinking] Come on, I won the MVP in '79. I can do whatever I want to.

[edit] The Limo [3.19]

George: Did you see the way she was looking at me?
Jerry: She's a NAZI George, a Nazi!
George: You know who is responsible for Astroturf don't you? The JEWS! Jews, always hated grass..
Eva: What was that you said about the myth of the Holocaust?
George: Oh, I said so many things. I- (a loud blast is heard) They're shooting! They're shooting!

(After the gang arrives at Madison Square Garden)

George: I AM NOT O'BRIEN!! HEAR ME?! I AM NOT O'BRIEN!!! ASK ANYBODY! JERRY!!! JERRY!!!!!

[edit] The Good Samaritan [3.20]

George: [after seeing Robin sneeze and her husband not saying anything] God bless you.
Robin: [smiles]Thank you.
George: I wasn't going to say anything, but then I could see that he wasn't going to open his mouth.
George: No, no, I don't think I'm special. My mother always said I'm not special.
Elaine: I'm speechless! I am without speech!

[edit] The Letter [3.21]

Art patron: [describing his view of "The Kramer" portrait] He is a loathsome, offensive brute. Yet I can't look away.
George: I don't get art.
Jerry: There's nothing to get.
George: No, it always has to be explained to me, and then I have to have someone explain the explanation

[edit] The Parking Space [3.22]

Jerry: You always have to know everything that's going on, don't you?
George: All bald people look good in hats.
Elaine: You should have lived in the twenties and thirties, you know men wore hats all the time then.
George: What a bald paradise that must have been. Nobody knew.
Jerry: Alright, that's it. The fight's already started. I'm going upstairs, who's coming? Elaine?
Elaine: It depends on who's going. (to George) Are you going?
Kramer: I'm not going if he's going.
Newman: Me either.
George: I'm not going if he's going.
Mike: Well I'm going.
Jerry: Well if he's going then I'm not going.
Newman: But it's your house.
Jerry:still don't have to go.
Elaine: Well I don't want to go if Jerry's not going.
Mike: Why won't you go if I go?
Jerry: Why? I'll tell you why.
Kramer: No. Don't, Jerry.
Jerry: Like you didn't call me a phony?
Mike: What? (to Kramer) Thanks! Real good! Jerry! First of all, I think you completely misunderstood what I said. I meant it in a complementary way. I mean, you know when people say, 'He's bad', it really means he's good, sort of thing? You know, slang.
Jerry: Use it in a sentence.
Mike: Man, that Michael Jordan is so phony. (to Kramer) Why'd you tell him?!?
Newman: Hey George, nice hat.
George: Yeah, thanks.
Newman: Can I try it on?
George: No! It, uh, it wouldn't fit you.
Newman: Well sure it would.
George: No! Get out of here, Newman.
Newman: Come on, let me try it on.
George: No, Newman, stop it.
Sheila: Let him try it on.
George: I don't want him to!
Sheila: What is wrong with you?
George: You wanna see?! (pulling off the hat to reveal the bald pate) There! There it is! (turning to Newman) Alright, here! You wanna try on the hat?! Here! Try on the hat!
Newman: Stop it, George, stop it. I was defending your parking.
George: Alright, just keep the hat!

[edit] The Keys [3.23]

Jerry: [to Newman] Now, you better tell me where Kramer is, or are we gonna have to do this the hard way?[hits the wall with his fist]
Newman: Help! Help!
Jerry: Where's Kramer?
Newman: Help!
[Elaine enters]
Elaine: What's going on?
[Newman hides behind Elaine]
Newman: They're gonna beat me up!
George: No we're not.
Jerry: We're trying to find out what happened to Kramer.
Newman: You wanna know what happened to Kramer? I'll tell you what happened to Kramer. He was ticked off. About they keys. Yeah, that's right - about the keys. Thought he got a bad rap.
Jerry: Bad rap?
Newman: Yeah, from you.
Jerry: Me?
Newman: You heard me. So he packed it up and split for the coast. La-La Land. LA.
Kramer: Do you ever yearn?
George: Yearn? Do I yearn?
Kramer: I yearn.
George: You yearn?
Kramer: Oh, yes. Yes, I yearn. Often I sit...and yearn. Have you yearned?
George: Well not recently. I craved.
Jerry: You scared me!
Kramer: It’s just me.
Jerry: That’s enough!
Elaine: I gotta get some new friends.

[edit] Season 4

[edit] The Trip, Part 1 [4.1]

Voice: Murphy Brown.
Kramer: Uh, yeah, uh, Candace Bergen please.
Voice: Who's calling please?
Kramer: Well, just tell her that it's Kramer.
[dial tone]
George: This is Morning Mist.
Officer: Hey, Lieutenant.
Lt. Martel: Yeah.
Officer: This was found on her person.
Lt. Martel: "On her person"? What kind of expression is that?
Officer: I don't know, sir. Police lingo.
Lt. Martel: Oh yeah? What's your name, son.
Officer: Ross.
Lt. Martel: Ross. Do you see that person there, Ross?
Officer: Yes, sir.
Lt. Martel: She's dead. Have you got that?
Officer: Yes, sir.
Lt. Martel: Good. Now get out of here before you find yourself on transit patrol writing tickets to senior citizens with fake bus passes.

[edit] The Trip, Part 2 [4.2]

George: I hate asking for change. They always make a face. Like I'm asking them to donate a kidney.
Jerry: Hello 911? How are you?
Jerry: [to man passing by] Excuse Me, where are we right now?
Man: Earth.
Jerry: You know, I'm on the phone with the police!! [lifts receiver up again] Some guy just gave me a wise answer.
[riding in the back of a police car]
George: There's a bag of Pepperidge Farm cookies up there.
Jerry: Which flavor?
George: Milano.
Jerry: Cops eating Milanos? What crazy town is this?
[while Jerry's talking to the police]
Jerry: My name? Oh, it's uh... [whispers] George Constanza.

[edit] The Pitch [4.3]

[phone rings]
Jerry: Uh, sorry, Excuse me one second. Hello.
Telemarketer: Hi, would you be interested in switching over to TMI long distance service.
Jerry: Oh, gee, I can't talk right now. Why don't you give me your home number and I'll call you later.
Telemarketer: Uh, I'm sorry we're not allowed to do that.
Jerry: Oh, I guess you don't want people calling you at home.
Telemarketer: No.
Jerry: Well now you know how I feel.
[Hangs up]
Kramer: No. We had a deal. There are no guarantees in life.
Newman: No, but there's karma, Kramer.
Jerry: "Karma Kramer"?

[edit] The Ticket [4.4]

Kramer: Yo-yo Ma!
Leo: You know, I know plenty of people in Hollywood too!
Newman: So I sped home to save my friend's life and I was stopped for speeding. Yes, I admit I was speeding but it was to save a man's life! A close friend. An innocent person who wanted nothing more out of life than to love, to be loved and to be a banker.
Jerry: You know a muffin can be very filling.

[edit] The Wallet [4.5]

George: Is Ted Danson's deal standard?
Susan: Ted Danson?
George: You know, the guy from Cheers.
Susan: Yeah, I know who he is. (laughs) You're not Ted Danson.
Morty: My wallet's gone! My wallet's gone!

[edit] The Watch [4.6]

Elaine: Okay, so he just wants to talk to you. I couldn't talk him out of it. So you just tell him that you're my boyfriend and that we're in love, okay. Can you do that?
Kramer: Yeah, yeah, okay. I'm your boyfriend.
Elaine: Okay.
Kramer: Have we been intimate?
Elaine: Yeah. Yeah, we've been intimate.
Kramer: Alright, how often do we do it?
Elaine: Kramer, how is that important? Honestly, do you really think he's gonna ask you that?
Kramer: Elaine, he's a psychiatrist. They're interested in stuff like that.
Elaine: Alright, alright. We do it, uh..five times a week, okay?
Kramer: Oooh, baby.


Helen: [about the waitress, to Jerry] She's very attractive.
Jerry: She's okay.
Helen: Just okay?
Jerry: She's nice.
Helen: She's better than nice.
Jerry: She's all right.
Helen: She's beautiful.
Jerry: She's not beautiful.
Helen: I think she's beautiful.
Jerry: So you ask her out.
Helen: I'm not gonna ask her out.
Jerry: Why not?
Helen: If you don't think she's beautiful, there's something wrong with you.
Jerry: She's pretty. She's not beautiful.
Helen: I should drop dead if she's not beautiful.
Jerry: I think that's a little extreme.
Leo: She's alright..

[edit] The Bubble Boy [4.7]

George: I'm sorry. The card says "Moops".
Donald/Bubble Boy: It doesn't matter. It's the Moors. There's no "Moops".
George: It's "Moops".
Donald/Bubble Boy: Moors
George: "Moops"!
Donald/Balls Boy: Moors!


Jerry: He's a bubble boy!
George: A bubble boy?!
Jerry: Yes! A bubble boy!
Susan: What's a bubble boy?
Jerry: He lives in a bubble!
George: Boy.
Elaine: Who has the [tv] remote?
Mel: He does.
Elaine: The remote goes through the bubble?
Mel: Yeah, he's in the bubble with the remote.
Jerry: So you have no control over the remote?
Mel: No, it's frustrating.
[trying to avoid hearing Naomi's obnoxious laugh]
Naomi: I thought you liked to laugh. I thought you were happy go-lucky.
Jerry: No, nah. I'm not happy and I'm not lucky, and I don't go. If anything I'm sad stop unlucky.
Naomi: Hahahaha.
Jerry: That's not funny, Naomi. I didn't mean to be funny there. Why don't you check the TV guide. I think uh, Holocaust is on.
Kramer: Do you mind if I smoke?
Naomi: No.
Kramer: These are Cubans. [in fake Spanish accent] "Maria, poquendo los scientos de estes con gleam!"

[edit] The Cheever Letters [4.8]

Susan: (reading one of the letters) "Dear Henry, last night with you was bliss. I fear my..orgasm has left me a cripple. I don't how how I shall ever get back to work..I love you madly, John...P.S. Loved the cabin."
Elaine: Maybe I'll go visit my mother. She just bought me some new panties and they're all "laid out for me".

[edit] The Opera [4.9]

(Jerry drops a coin that he was tossing, man picks it up)
Jerry: Hey, hey, what are you doing? That's my quarter.
Man: No, it's not. It's mine.
Jerry: I was just flipping it. It's mine.
Man: No, I dropped it. It's mine.
Jerry: All right, do you want the quarter? Take the quarter, but don't try and tell me it's yours.
Man: Well, it is mine.
Jerry: What, do you think I care about the money? Is that what you think? You want me to show you what I care about money? Here look, here look at this, here's a dollar here look, there, that's how much I care about money.
(Jerry tears up the dollar)
Man: You think I care about money? That's how much I care about money. I don't care about money.
(also tears a dollar)
Jerry: Oh yeah? Well, why don't you just get lost?
Man: Why don't you get lost?!
Jerry: Because I was standing here, that's why!
Man: Oh yeah?!
Jerry: Yeah!
(The man walks away)
Jerry: I kinda like this opera crowd, I feel tough. Anybody else got a problem?

[edit] The Virgin [4.10]

Elaine: I was talking to this guy, you know, and I just happened to throw my purse on the sofa and my diaphragm goes flying out. So I just froze, you know, "ahh!", staring at my diaphragm. You know, it's just lying there. So then, this woman, the one who sold me this hair thing, she grabbed it before the guy noticed, so, I mean, big deal, right? So I carry around my diaphragm, who doesn't? Yeah, like it's a big, big secret that women carry around their diaphragms. You never know when you're gonna need it, right?
Marla: Jerry.
Jerry: George, Marla.
George: Marla.
Marla: George. Jerry, Stacey.
Jerry: Stacey.
Stacey: Jerry.
Jerry: George, Stacey.
George: Stacey.
Stacey: George.
Jerry: George.
George: Jerry..Marla...Stacey!

[edit] The Contest [4.11]

Jerry: What's the matter?
George: My mother caught me.
Jerry: Caught you? Doing what?
George: You know. [All three give him blank stares] I was alone...
Elaine: You mean..?!
George: Uh-huh.
Kramer: [laughing] She caught you?
Jerry: Where?
George: I stopped by the house to drop the car off, and I went inside for a few minutes. Nobody was there. They're supposed to be working. My mother had a Glamour magazine; I started leafing through it…
Jerry: Glamour?
[Jerry, Kramer, and Elaine laugh]
George: So, one thing led to another…
Jerry: So, what did she do?
George: First she screams, "George, what are you doing?! My God!" And it looked like she was gonna faint - she started clutching the wall, trying to hang onto it.
Kramer: Man!
George: I didn't know whether to try and keep her from falling, or zip up.
Jerry: What did you do?
George: I zipped up!
Elaine: So, she fell?
George: Yeah. Well, I couldn't run over there the way I was!
Jerry: No, I guess not.
George: So, she fell, and then she started screaming, "My back! My back!" So, I picked her up and took her to the hospital.
Elaine: How is she?
George: She's in traction.
Elaine: Ok, I'm sorry.
George: It's not funny, Elaine.
Elaine: I know. I'm sorry. I'm serious.
George: Her back went out. She's gotta be there for a couple of days. All she said on the way over in the car was, "Why, George, why?!".. I said, "Because it's there!"
George: Well, I'll tell you this, though - I am never doing that again.
Elaine: What, you mean, in your mother's house, or all together?
George: Altogether.
Elaine: Oh, gimme a break..
Jerry: Ohhh yeah.. right.
Kramer: Oh, like you're gonna stop?
Jerry & Elaine: C'mon..
George: You don't think I can?
Jerry: No chance.
George: You think you could?
Jerry: Well, I know I could hold out longer than you.
George: Care to make it interesting?
Kramer: Wait a second, wait a second. Count me in on this.
Jerry: You?
Kramer: Yeah.
Jerry: You'll be out before we get the check.
Elaine: I want to be in on this, too.
Jerry & George: Ohh, no. No, no, no..
Elaine: Why not?
Jerry: It's like apples and oranges.
Elaine: What? Why? Why?
Jerry: Because you're a woman!
Elaine: So what?
Jerry: It's easier for a woman not to do it than a man.
Elaine: Oh.
Jerry: We have to do it. It's part of our lifestyle. It's like, uh, shaving.
Elaine: Oh, that is such boloney. I shave my legs.
Kramer: Not every day.
George: Hey, what are you doing tonight?
Jerry: Dating Marla.
George: Oh, the virgin?
Jerry: Yeah.
George: Any, uh.. progress, there? What's the latest?
Jerry: Well, I got my troops amassed along the border - I'm just waiting for someone to give me the go-ahead.
Jerry: Hey, let me ask you a question. In these nudist colonies, do they eat naked in the dining room?
George: I would imagine it's all naked.
Jerry: What about the chamber maids? Are they naked, too?
George: They're naked, the gardeners naked.. the bellhops. One big nude-a-rama.
Elaine: What're you looking at?
Jerry: There's a naked woman across the street.
Elaine: [chuckling] This is gonna be the easiest money I've ever made in my life. So, my friend, Joyce, is teaching an aerobics class. I'm gonna go tonight.
Jerry: Yeah.. the - the waitress should've taken it back.
Elaine: So then, I got a call this morning. You know, I was, uh, chosen to go on the space shuttle. We're goin' to Mars.
Jerry: Uh-huh.
George: Have a good time.
Kramer: I'm out.
Elaine: What?!
Kramer: Yeah, I'm out - I'm out of the contest.
George: You're out?!
Kramer: Yeah, yeah.. What?
Elaine: Well, that was fast!
Kramer: Well, it was that woman across the street. You know, you better be careful, buddy. She's gonna get you next.
Estelle: I don't understand you. I really don't. You have nothing better to do at 3:00 in the afternoon? I go out for a quart of milk; I come home, and find my son treating his body like it was an amusement park!
George: Ma!
Estelle: Don't give me "Ma". It's a good thing I didn't hit the table. I could of cracked my head open.
George: Ma, people can hear you.
Estelle: Too bad you can't do that for a living. You'd be very successful at it. You could sell out Madison Square Garden. Thousands of people could watch you! You could be a big star!
Marla: Let's slow it down a little.
Jerry: "Slow it down"?
Marla: Well, you know..
Jerry: Ah, yeah.. I know.
Marla: You're okay with that, right?
Jerry: Yeah, yeah.. of course. What, do you think I care about the sex? What kind of person do you think I am? That doesn't mean anything to me. I don't care about that.
Kramer: So, did you make it through the night?
Jerry: Yes, I'm proud to say I did!
Kramer: So, you're still master of your domain.
Jerry: Yes. Yes I am. Master of my domain. But I will tell you this: I am going over to her apartment, and I'm tellin' her to put those shades down!
Kramer: Woah, woah, woah. What-what did you just say?
Jerry: I can't take it anymore! She's driving me crazy! I can't sleep, I can't leave the house, and I' here, I'm climbin' the walls. Meanwhile, I'm dating a virgin, I'm in this contest - something's gotta give!
Kramer: Do you hear what you're saying?! Can you hear it?! This is a beautiful woman walking around naked, and you want to tell her to stop?! That's the dumbest thing I ever heard! I mean, think comprehens- I'm not gonna let you do it.
Jerry: Well, I'm doin' it, get out of my way.
Kramer: No, no, no, no. You can't! You can't! This is something that comes about once in a lifetime! When we were boys, looking through our bedroom windows, we would think: "Why can't there be a woman out there, taking her clothes off?" And now that wish's come true, and you want to throw it away?!
Jerry: Look, I'm sorry-
Kramer: No, I'm not gonna let you do it, Jerry.
Jerry: Kramer, get outta my way!
Kramer: No, no, no. Don't do it. Don't do it! For my sake! God knows I don't ask you for much! Now, come on. Please, Jerry. Please! I'm beggin' ya! Please! Come on! Please!
Jerry: All right..
Kramer: Yes!
Jerry: ..All right.
Kramer: [Moving to the window] Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Jerry: She's not there!
Kramer: Oh, I can wait..
Joyce: I can get you a spot right behind him. He has got a great butt.
Elaine: Yeah. Butt. Butt. Great butt. John-John's butt.
Jerry: So the nurse was giving her a sponge bath?
George: Every night at six-thirty. The nurse was gorgeous.. then I got a look at the patient..I was going nuts.
Jerry: Well, I guess you'll be going back to that hospital.
George: Well, my mother, Jerry...
Jerry: But are you still master of your domain?
George: I am king of the county. You?
Jerry: Lord of the manor.
[Elaine enters]
Elaine: John F. Kennedy Jun-ya!
Jerry: What?
Elaine: He was in my aerobics class.
Jerry: Really? Did you talk to him?
Elaine: No, you don't understand - he was working out right in front of me. So, listen, after the class was over, I timed my walk to the door so we'd get there at the exact same moment, and he says to me, "Quite a workout."
George: "Quite a workout"? What did you say?
Elaine: I said, "yeah."
Jerry: Good one.
Elaine: So then, listen, listen. So then, I showered and I dressed, and I saw him again, on the way out. So we're walkin' and talkin', and he asked me my name - and I think I said Elaine - but, I mean, who the hell knows.. And so then, he says to me: "Do you wanna split a cab uptown?" And I said, "Sure" - even though I was going downtown. So, we get in the cab, and I mean, I have no idea where I'm goin', right? But this is John F. Kennedy Junior we're talkin' about! So, then, he says to me, "Where do you live?" And I - and I - and I was close to your block, so I said your building. So he dropped me off in front, and I had to take a cab all the way back downtown to my house.. [Picks up a glass of cold water and presses it up to her forehead to cool her off] Oh, God..
Jerry: But the question is, are you still master of your domain?
Elaine: I'm queen of the castle.
Estelle: You know what you could do? I haven't eaten lunch or dinner. I can't eat this hospital food. Maybe you could run down to the deli and get me a sandwich..
George: You got it, Ma. A little later.
Estelle: Could you go now, George? I'm very hungry. I'm weak.
George: Well, wait a little while, Ma. What's the difference?
Estelle: I don't understand why you can't do this for me!
George: I just got here, Ma! I'd like to spend a little time with you.
Estelle: But if you wait, they won't let you back in! Visiting hours are almost over!
George: Ten minutes! Here, here, have some Tic-Tacs.
Estelle: Get the hell outta here. (Angrily sets them aside) I'm sorry you came.
Nurse: [to female patient] Six o'clock, time for your sponge bath.
Estelle: George… I'm huuunnnggry!
George: Hang on, ma, hang on.
Kramer: [looking out the window] Oh, that's good. That's good. That's very, very good. Oh, it's hot in there.. It's hot in there. So, just walk around a little bit. Don't be ashamed, don't be ashamed.. that's good, that's good.. yes, yes, yes..
Jerry: [singing along with the TV] The wheels on the bus go round and round, round and round, round and round. The wheels on the bus...
Kramer: [singing] The woman across the street has nothing on, nothing on, nothing on...
George: All you got is instant coffee? Why don't you get some real coffee?
Jerry: I don't keep real coffee in here, I get my coffee on the outside! [Intercom buzzes. He answers it] Yeah?!
Elaine: It's Elaine.
Jerry: Come on up!
George: Where did you get those socks?
Jerry: I don't know.
George: I think those are my socks!
Jerry: How are these your socks?!
George: I don't know, but those are my socks! I had a pair just like that with the blue stripe, and now I don't have them anymore!
Jerry: Oh, yeah, that's right, well, you fell asleep one day on the sofa and I took them off your stinkin' feet. They looked so good to me, I just had to have them!
George: Yeah, well, they're my socks!
Jerry: They're my socks!
George: Oh boy..
Jerry: What are we doing here..
George: ..Oh boy.
Jerry: This is ridiculous.
George: Do you believe this? We're fighting. We're fighting.
Jerry: I haven't been myself lately. I've been snapping at everybody.
George: Me too. I've been yelling at strangers on the street.
[Elaine lays money on the counter]
George: You caved?!
Jerry: It's over?!
George: You're out?!
Jerry: Oh my God, the Queen is dead! What happened?
Elaine: It was, uh, John John.
Jerry and George: Ohhhhh. John John.
...
Jerry: All right, Costanza - it's just you and me.
George: And then, there were two.
Elaine: Elaine Benes Kennedy Junior..
Marla: I know how difficult this must have been for you.
Jerry: You don't know the half of it.
Marla: What do you mean?
Jerry: Well, it's kinda silly, but..
...
Marla: Contest?! A contest! This is what you do with your friends?
Jerry: No, it was just a bet. I mean, it actually started with George and his mother-