- This is The Tonight Show. I can't tell you too much about it, other than the fact that this program is going to go on forever.
- First broadcast of The Tonight Show (1953)
- Get this to Grand Central Station as quick as you can!
- Instructions to a cab-driver after racing out of his studio dressed as a policeman, and throwing a large salami into the backseat of his taxi. The driver sped off without a word.
- Sports fans, I have the final score for you on the big game between Harvard and William & Mary. It is: Harvard 14, William 12, Mary 6.
- It is not hardness of heart or evil passions that drive certain individuals to atheism, but rather a scrupulous intellectual honesty.
- 2000 Years of Disbelief: Famous People with the Courage to Doubt by James A. Haught
- Religious believers of the world, you are free to continue to debate the simple, narrow question that divides you from atheists, but you have no right, in so doing, to treat the Humanists of the world with contempt. You owe them a deep debt of gratitude, for not only have they shed much light on a naturally dark world but they have very probably helped civilize your own specific religion.
- Vulgarians at the Gate: Trash TV and Raunch Radio: Raising Standards of Popular Culture (2001), ISBN 1615927514, p. 344
Funny People (1981) 
- Without laughter life on our planet would be intolerable. So important is laughter to us that humanity highly rewards members of one of the most unusual professions on earth, those who make a living by inducing laughter in others. This is very strange if you stop to think of it: that otherwise sane and responsible citizens should devote their professional energies to causing others to make sharp, explosive barking-like exhalations.
Steve Allen on the Bible, Religion, and Morality (1990) 
- One social evil for which the New Testament is clearly in part responsible is anti-Semitism.
- There is not the slightest question but that the God of the Old Testament is a jealous, vengeful God, inflicting not only on the sinful pagans but even on his Chosen People fire, lighting, hideous plagues and diseases, brimstone, and other curses.
- There are hundreds of millions who believe the Messiah has come. If he did, then it is unfortunately the case that his heroic sacrifice and death have had no effect whatsoever on the very problem his coming might have been expected to address, for history demonstrates, beyond question, that we Christians have been just as dangerous, singly and en masse, as non-Christians.
- The Bible has been interpreted to justify such evil practices as, for example, slavery, the slaughter of prisoners of war, the sadistic murders of women believed to be witches, capital punishment for hundreds of offenses, polygamy, and cruelty to animals. It has been used to encourage belief in the grossest superstition and to discourage the free teaching of scientific truths. We must never forget that both good and evil flow from the Bible. It is therefore not above criticism.
- To those who wish to punish others— or at least to see them punished, if the avengers are too cowardly to take matters in to their own hands— the belief in a fiery, hideous hell appears to be a great source of comfort.
More Steve Allen on the Bible, Religion, & Morality (1993) 
- Ideas have consequences, and totally erroneous ideas are likely to have destructive consequences.
- No actual tyrant known to history has ever been guilty of one-hundredth of the crimes, massacres, and other atrocities attributed to the Deity in the Bible.
- God is by definition the holder of all possible knowledge, it would be impossible for him to have faith in anything. Faith, then, is built upon ignorance and hope.
- Allen, Steve. Funny People (1981). ISBN 0812827643.
- Allen, Steve. Steve Allen on the Bible, Religion, and Morality (1990). ISBN 0879756381.
- Allen, Steve. More Steve Allen on the Bible, Religion, & Morality (1993). ISBN 0879757361.