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On Whitney Houston 
- Much like Whitney Houston, I have sweating issues. Have you seen her on stage? She now brings a rag with her, and she waves it around, like does these gestures with it. She's like "Oh no, I saw Maria Callas do this once, it's okay." So I just wonder if there's, like, some prop guy backstage who has secretly rigged her wig with tubes and he's back there snickering and pumping out water. And she's wiping, and singing, and wiping,and by the end the wig is all askew, and it was never on right to begin with. Like she put it on with a cracked compact.
- She's wearing an overcoat with a fur collar and a fedora. And with her sweating issues, that was not smart. By the end of the song, she's gonna be a puddle in a hat.
- So I met Whitney Houston, or as I like to call her, Crackie.
- At the Billboard awards, she comes backstage after performing, and as she's walking by me, she leans in and says "You're very funny." And, but like, in this tone, so it was creepy. And then she leans in and she says "Don't say anything about me." At this point, diarrhea is shooting out of my ass. At that moment, I realize that her bodyguard isn't there to protect her. He watches her kill people and laughs.
- So you know the rumor about Whitney Houston is that she's gay. And I mean, it's just a rumor, but that's good enough for me.
- I'm so sick of these celebrities confronting me. And once you've had Whitney Houston do this in your face.....(waves her finger).....you learn!
On Anna Nicole Smith 
- So I'm doing "Hollywood Squares", and Anna Nicole has missed the first three shows. She slept through them, and when she finally shows up for the evening tapings, she's surrounded by her whole entourage including Kimmy, her lesbian assistant who is clearly in love with her... allegedly! And Howard K Stern, that guy who lives off of her. And her cute little son Daniel who's 14 and he's just so sweet, he's so cute, and he is so totally fucked. You don't recover from your mother being Anna Nicole Smith. I'll see you at "Promises", honey. I'll meet you in the Downey-Poundstone wing.
- So then we go to lunch and Anna Nicole Smith is there and I say "Anna, hi, I'm Kathy Griffin, come sit next to me!" So she comes over and I say again "Hi, my name is Kathy Griffin, it's nice to meet you." And she is so out of it... allegedly. But seriously, in my opinion, she's fucked up. And she looks up at me and she says "Hey." So then her assistant brings over a plate of food and she puts her dog Sugar Pie on the table. She's eating and she makes this face. (Makes a grimacing baby face.) And she says "I don' lahk it." And I say "Oh, that's polenta." And she's like "I thought it was mashed potaters." She said potat-ERS, I heard it with my own ears. So I'm like "No, it's polenta, it's like a mashed corn meal." And she says "I don' lahk it." And then all of a sudden Chaka Kahn walks by. And I guess she recognizes Anna, so she wants to be gracious, so she walks over and, very dignified, she says, "Hello Anna, my name is Chaka Kahn, it's very nice to meet you. I love your show." And Anna barely lifts her head and she says, "Hey." And the thought bubble above Chaka Kahn's head would have been "Oh I KNOW SHE DIDN'T" and I'm like "Oh, I know, she did it to me too." And then Chaka goes away and Little Richard comes over, and he does this very regal princely bow and the table and he's like "Hello Anna Nicole, my gorgeous darling." And Anna looks up and goes "Hey." And then Little Richard sees Sugar Pie and says "Are you dat dawg?"
- The thing about Anna Nicole Smith is, you know that old fart she married who kicked the bucket? Have you seen pictures of him? And then he left her $500,000,000. And I think she earned every penny. Do you want to blow him? I don't. Even if she gave him just one handjob... give it to her.
On Lindsay Lohan 
- I may have made a very harmless joke about Lindsay - that she's lost a lot of weight recently due to diet, Pilates and crack... without the diet and Pilates.
- Then Lance wants to leave because he thinks Lohan is gonna beat him up. And I don't blame him. Those coke-heads can be physically unpredictable.
On Little Richard 
- So then on Hollywood Squares they sit me next to Little Richard. And I respect him, he's a tremendous talent and an icon, and what a freak. So I figure I'll try to make conversation. So we're talking about being on the road, and different things, and then I say "So what do you think about Michael Jackson being in trouble?" and he says "Michael Jackson is a beautiful person." And I was like "Ok, I'm out." The other thing is, he peppers his conversations with "Wooooooo!" He'll be like "Oh, we were driving the other day, and Wooooooo! it was a long trip and Wooooooo! let me tell you." And you don't know if you're supposed to do it back to him, or what?
On Britney Spears 
- Is it weird that I'm more exited for Britney's wedding than my own?
- You know when Britney was getting married, Christina Aguilera was sitting at home watching it on T.V., eating some Cheetos, and she was like, "Whatever. I'm a whore. I said I was a whore from the beginning. Nobody thinks I'm crazy anymore. I'm consistent."
- I love her new CD! I think it's cute, I think it's got hits, I like it, I stand by it. Though I don't know how they fucking propped her up to record it!
- Me and Adnan shopping for lingerie? I hope this doesn't push Britney over the edge. But if it does, I so hope I'm totally there to see it!
On Paris Hilton 
- I actually know her a little bit. I've met her a few times, I did a photo shoot with her one time, and based on that, I'm here to tell you, that she is actually...ahm..(pauses)......retarded!
- Can you believe that they actually gave her an award for coining the phrase "that's hot". So she comes and she delivers her illuminous speech [imitating Paris]"Thanks you guys....you guys are really hot....I'm hot...you're hot....blah blah blah". Only small dogs far, far away in the canyon could hear it. Wooh-wooh, whoooo....
- And in real life, she's always talking on that sparkly pink mobile phone. I think that if I took that phone from her and listened in, I'd hear "At the third stroke, the time will be......."
On Nicole Richie 
- Nicole Richie is the one I don't get. She's famous, she's a household name, and yet she's like "I'm the adopted daughter of a pop star and I don't care to eat". That's all she's bringing to the table... certainly not food!
On Macy Gray 
- Alright, Macy Gray... what exactly is wrong with her? She for sure, has a little mental retardation... allegedly!
- Is there anything more charming than a grown woman with a baby voice? I'm hard thinking about it.
- So there she is, finger-bangin' her own mouth...
On Paula Abdul 
- I don't know what she's on, I'm not a pharmacist.
- Have you noticed this year, that Paula has trouble keeping both of her eyes open at the same time? The right one kinda wants to go down for sleepy time, and the left one's like "wake up, you're on TV", but I'm tired.. "no, no not yet!", but you promised..."but it's not 9'oclock yet". It's like the ancient stuggle between good and evil on her own face.
- Anyone who says "I'm tired of people not treating me like the gift I am" deserves a little shit from me!
On Eminem 
- Nothing makes me more uncomfortable than white people who talk black! I mean, it's fun on Ricki Lake, but in real life...
On Celine Dion 
- Everytime she walks out (on stage), she acts like she's shocked anyone showed up! Every night! As if every single day, at about 3 o'clock, she's like, "You know, Rene maybe tonight is the night they do not come?"
- [Impersonating Celine) "This next song is for all the parents in the audience, and also the children"...(looks puzzled).... that's just everybody, right?
- If you have not seen the Celine Dion Vegas show, tomorrow, get a plane ticket, go to Vegas... it is the biggest freak show you will ever see! It's Cirque De Celine.
- I guess the contortionists are cool right, very impressive, they're doing stuff we can't do. But for me, once you see the gay guy bend over and fuck himself, I'm done!
- So I'm sitting there, patting her hair like a crazy person. Patting her hair! And finally I go "I'm patting your hair - that's really weird right?". And then, without missing a beat, she goes "Woof woof, then I will bark like (a) dog for you!"
On Sharon Stone 
- Here's the truth: when Sharon Stone asks you to do something, you just do it! If Sharon Stone asked me to eat her poo, I'd be like "yeah, what's a good time for you?" (Pretending to eat poo) "This is really good poo, Sharon, thanks!" [addressing audience] Stop picturing it... and come back! And you thought the Anna Nicole hand-job was bad!
On Oprah Winfrey 
- She's now very thin, very cranky... and very hungry!
- It was like the clash of the titans. Oprah in the black corner, and (Barbara) Streisand in the ivory. I love them both - two strong, black women!
- How is it that a man who doesn't watch TV, watches Oprah? She gets in your head, man! She gets in there, and she fucks with it!
- I'm very supportive of Oprah. And her boyfriend, Gayle.
- I should just call up Gayle, say, do it.... and Oprah's not even that nice.(Impersonating Oprah) "Gaaaayle", she gives her that look, "Gayle! ... GAAAAAYYYYYLE FIIIIIX THE BIBLIOTECAAAAAAAA!" and boom, it'd be fixed.
- 'Cause you know my joke is that I love her but she thinks she's Jesus? And when she gets a paper cut she's like "Oh, stigmata?". Get off the cross and do your show!
On the Olsen Twins 
- So anyway, I walk over to see Mary Kate, and there she is.......Cousin It from The Addams Family! What? I'm saying she's petite and has long wavy hair...........like Cousin It! She's really, really cute and she's dressed like a a little hippie, she's got a sparkly head-band and bell-bottoms. I was like "where your fucking tambourine?"So anyway, I walk over to her and I go "what's up, fat ass?"
- I was sitting at the Olsen twins' booth. And let me tell you something, I'm fucking scared of those little midgets. Have you seen them in pictures, the way they put their heads together with those big eyes like "Children of the Corn"? It's scarey!
- And so I said to her (Mary Kate) "I really came here to gawk at famous people, so who's here that's famous?" And she goes "well, right now, it's just you and me. But give this place thirty minutes, and it turns into a celebrity fuckfest!"
On Dr Phil 
- And I'm thinking "Get your hands off Jane Fonda, you fucking douche-bag! She's Jane Fonda, and you're... you!
- How about on Dr Phil when he talks about how hot he is? (impersonating Dr Phil) "Well, don't mind me - I'm just a jock!" On what bald guy, fat ass team are you on... Phil?
- He's supposed to be helping people on that show. I don't like when he gets all caught up in his Southern good-old-boy colloquialisms. If somebody has a problem, he's like "Well, if you walk into a barn, and you've got a match, and there's some kerosene...". What the fuck are you talking about??? Help someone... Phil!
On Debbie Gibson 
- The segment producer woman is like "get rid of her, she's nobody". Like I'm just gonna go "get out Debbie!" and push her (off the stage).
On William Shatner 
- He is like, my favorite red-faced, bloated booze bag!
On Martha Stewart 
- She speaks like she's from the foreign country called Connecticut
On Destiny's Child 
- So all three girls are there... in those hideous outfits that their mothers' make!
On Marie Osmond 
- When you actually faint in real life, it's not graceful. It's not delicate. You don't go down in stages. And the one thing you can count on when you actually faint is that you will be showing pussy!
- The thing is, we know that some of those Osmonds have never seen a black person. And when they met Oprah, their reaction was probably (gasp) "It can talk!"
On Courtney Love 
- Because you know, Courtney Love was at Whitney Houston's intervention? And when Courtney Love is telling you, you're hitting the pipe too hard, it's bad!
- I saw Courtney Love have one of her heroin fits... and break a guitar... and I pulled up a chair. What? You gotta be ring-side!
On Clay Aiken 
- She comes down, and he has her stand in front of him, while he freak dances her - because he loves pussy! Except it smells like fish!
- OK, back to Clay Aiken... or as I like to call him - the gay-kin!
On Ryan Seacrest 
- You'll have to excuse my friend, Ryan. It's the first time he's touched a woman!
- The 2007 Emmy Awards were a little too Cirque De Seacrest. I shouldn't say that about Ryan - she's a very good hostess.
- I don't get him! He can't sing, he can't dance, he has no talent...when is he gonna go away?
- But the thing that's really weird about Seacrest is that he's super into grooming. He gets mani-pedi's, he gets his eyelashes dyed, he goes to Mystic Tan, he flat-irons his hair... very butch! Very typical of straight men!
On Kathy's Gays 
- I knew the minute I heard the "gay inhale". He literally goes "Diva, what are you doing here?". It was heaven! I found my gay, even in Kandahar, Afghanistan! He plonks down next to me, puts the tray down, puts his gun down... he's like "Errghh, girl, I'm on graveyard tonight... I am a wreck... I'm exhausted... my roommates are all snoring, yee-ukk, they're pigs! Anyway, what's going on with Ben and J-Lo?"
- Wake up people! If you are gay and living in Pigeon Forge, Tennessee, what the fuck else (are) you gonna do? You're gonna join the musical theatre. That's all you got in Pigeon Forge! There's no bear bar. This is it! Suit up... put the wings on!
- I know you love her... you're gay and she's Celine Dion!
- And you know the hot gays... they get all excited about going to toga parties because they wear, like, a cocktail napkin with a thread!
- And then who comes along to save the day? A couple of tool-belt wearing, golf-loving, Dinah Shore weekend lesbians sent from heaven.
- (sitting on a gay guy's lap) Any wood? No? Shit... just like high school.
- You just can't beat the love and affection you get from 1500 hairy gay men with bellies full of beer and semen.
On Catholics 
- No one swears or uses the Lord's name in vain more than Catholics. It's that Commandment we don't really take that seriously. We try not to kill, but the swearing... not so much! Alright so I call my Mom, and she goes like this "What? We're not going on any goddamn cruise for Christ's sake... goddammit... son of a bitch... Jesus H. Christ hanging off a Cross... goddammit! Johnny, Kathleen's on the phone... she says we gotta go on some kind of a goddamn cruise for Christ's sake. I told her, goddammit, son of a bitch, Peter and Paul and the other Apostles, what the Christ is wrong with you... Mary Magdalene and the saints... son of a bitch! Well, what the hell kind of a cruise is it?...(pause)...lesbians and their children??"
- I know that I'm going to Hell... and I think I might see a few of you there!
On Team Griffin 
- Jessica is vomiting at the moment - she's hurling in the New Year!
- We're all gonna go on a holiday. The thing is, it won't really be much of a holiday for you guys!
- Jessica? Jessica???
On Bitching 
- I was raised right; I talk about people behind their backs. It's called manners.
- I can never understand in the real world, when they say "if you have something to say to me, you need to say it to my face!" I'd rather wait until you left the room. It's more free-ing for me. And I can be funnier, so can you move it along? I'm not confronting anybody!
- For the shit I say about people, I am lawyer-ed up! If you want to sue me, bring it on! I got a fucking army!!
On Celebrity Events 
- So I'm hosting this AMFAR event, and I've borrowed this jewelry from Bulgari, it's like $66,000 worth of jewelery. And they make you sign an insurance contract and then they have someone who goes around with you. And I realized halfway through the night that I lost one of my earrings! And I'm standing next to Angie Harmon who I don't even know and I'm like "I just lost one of my loaner earrings from Bulgari," and she's like "Oh shit." And you know when Angie Harmon is cussing it's BAD. So I go up to the woman who's hosting the event and I explain the situation and she says "Well, why don't we just go notify the guy," and I figure she's going to like take me to the event coordinator so we can search the floor or something, but no, she takes me to MR. Bulgari. He's like a real person, like Joe... well his name isn't Joe but, whatever, Frank, or something, Bulgari. So I tell him I lost my earring and I expect him to do something like say "Oh, well, that's what the insurance is for," but no. He says: "(sigh) Well, that's just great." And then he makes me give him the other one.
- I remember those Studio 54 stories where there's a guy at the velvet rope, and he's saying "OK, you're hot enough to get in, and you're not..." and I know I'm on the not list, and that's not fun for me. When I go to Applebees, I get a table whenever I want!
- I hate theme parties. I don't wanna have to work to go to a party. I just want some chips and dip!
On Fundraising 
- I made everybody mail their cheques to me personally, so I could see how much they were. I was vicious. I was literally calling my own friends going "you've got to be fucking kidding me, with that 25 bucks! Alright, you can come to the wedding, but you're not eating!"
On Kathy's trip to Afghanistan 
- So she calls me last Christmas and says "Guess what? We're going to the Persian Gulf for Christmas!". I immediately put my hands over my clitoris.
- I was nervous about going (to the Gulf). Number one, I like my clit. And I use it every day. Not a day goes by when I don't use it for something.
- They would give us these helicopter rides, and every time we'd get on, the drivers would say "now do you want to ride, or do you want to rrrride? On the helicopter!! I'd be like "I want the ride... the first one... the boring one... the ride. I don't want the "rrrride"... I want the ride!
- The wrestler was up there with his wife, and I actually heard her say "Can this thing do a loopty loop?"
- (On signing autographs for troops) I'd be writing To Private so and so, love Kathy Griffin and then I'd go "here, think about this when you beat off".
- When you perform for the Army, they want dick jokes and they want them now!
- So anyway, the show starts, and it's the Army band, and it's all those American "ra ra" songs, you know that whole "I'm proud to be an American, where at least I know I'm free." And they eat that shit up!
- There were two cheerleaders, and their job was to basically go out in skimpy outfits and say "Hi!" to the guys... and some of the ladies, if you know what I'm saying...
- All of a sudden, I'm thinking, these guys [Afghani men] aren't so bad. I'm like the type of asshole where if you're nice to me once, I'm your friend for life. Sure, you hacked your kid's clit off, but you were nice!
- If they wanna meet me, they have to shake my hand. And I'm going down the line saying "Yeah, thats right...look at me......I'm an American woman... you can shake my hand, motherfucker... that's right... that's how we roll... hi... (points to herself)... look... whore face...dirty whore..."
On Kathy's Childhood 
- Well, of course I love the shy girl, because I could tell she was, you know, the outsider and probably picked on by those vicious, mean girls. I felt her pain, which she's probably too shy and terrified to express... until she grows up and becomes a vicious comedian who wins awards, lives in a big house and makes them all pay!
On Her Mother 
- She calls me up and she goes "Oh, Kathleen, I'm so upset," and I go "What?" And she goes "Oh, I just hope you don't turn into a skank like those goddamn Kardashians." ... She's so proud of herself now because she learned the word "skank" from "Keeping Up with the Kardashians." And I'm sure that's their demographic: 87-year-old women who will now walk around with a walker calling people a skank.
- (out to dinner with her mother at a resort) So, like I said, my mom thinks prices are what they were in the Great Depression. ... So my mom opens the menu and I hear her just making these weird sounds of discontent. "Hmm. Ohh. Mmm." Like that. So the waiter comes, and my mom is really rude to the waiter. And I'm like, I don't know what's up. So I hear my mother say "Well...I guess I'll take the chicken sandwich!" And I go "Mom, what're you being so rude for?" And she goes "$8.95 for one goddamn chicken sandwich?!" And then she turns to the waiter and uses some old-time expression he couldn't possibly figure out: "You got a lotta crust! Last time I checked, I could get eighteen chicken sandwiches for $8.95!" "No, Mom, you never could get eighteen chicken sandwiches for $8.95."
- (on the tray of condiments at the restaurant table) You know how, like, crimes happen, and they're sorta too fast, but they're sorta slow-motion, and you don't really know what happened and you're trying to recount and it's a blur? So I turn and, as if in slow-motion, I see my insane mother--like a fucking bank robber, and I hear her say..."Cover me!" "Cover me." And then I see the sweeping elbow move, and a blurry Hawaiian mu'umu'u flapping in the wind and all the condiments go into the bag. And I said "Mother, are you that desperate for a jar of mayonnaise? Is that what you want for your birthday? I will get you a big-ass bottle of ketchup!"
- I love the way Mom acts like I'm embarrassing the family. Like, I'm shaming the family. Like we're the fucking Rockefellers!
- My mom is so hung over from clubbing all night... with my gays.
- Because we all know that she's gonna get a spin-off (series) at some point. And it's gonna be like The Golden Girls. Except it's gonna be women in their early hundreds... and how they cope living in the same building... as they each slowly die off... before episode 2. But more uplifting!
- My mom was never in the tight jeans. She was dressed in a mu'umu'u, passed out on the couch where she belongs. It's called parenting.
At Walter Reed Hospital 
- I already mentioned "Project Runway" to one guy, who just looked at me like "Huh?". Is that a mission? What base is that on?" Oh crap! It's on a base in Manhattan with Heidi Klum.
General Quotes 
- I don't want a broomstick up my peesh [vagina]!
- I don't have time for your facts and figures. I'm very busy perpetuating ridiculous rumors!
- Anyway, it's all happening at the (Hollywood) Squares!
- You know how you get that pre-diarrhea feeling in your stomach? I'm not saying I shit my pants, but I knew I only had about 90 seconds to play with!
- On the relationship front, I'm also dating a new guy. He's kinda different. And by different, I mean filthy fucking rich!
- Britney, Whitney, Oprah too. You know what I think of you. And ladies it’s a fact that without you I’ve got no act. Ryan Seacrest, Dr Phil. You may think I’m crass and shrill. But kid’s it’s just a show, shit don’t you assholes know? When I call you a bitch it’s ‘cause I love you. I only speak the truth because I care. It’s homo love I’m makin’ when I call Akin, Gaykin, He needs a friend to say you put your sacred semen where? If I call you a cunt it means you’re special, each insult is like sunshine from above. It means Paula’s cute and spunky when I say that dwarf's a junkie. Yes, when I call you a bitch it’s filled with love. When I scream Kirstie Alley's back at I.H.O.P. it’s just so Jenny Craig can rent a crane. Don’t call me a pariah just because I love Mariah and prove it every time I shout that bitch is still insane.
- Okay hold on hold on, just one second. I mean seriously I’m sorry. What is up with her marrying Nick Cannon? What does she know him three weeks? So she’s Nick Cannon’s aunt, his mother... I don’t even know what the relationship is. And by the way who knew that the new Whitney Houston would be Tatum O’Neal. I know shocker shocker. Sorry sorry.
- Scientology is such a great religion. I love a group whose members all seem gay. And when I say Miley Cyrus may soon get a down there virus, it’s just so Lindsay Lohan stays away. So when I yell Barbara Walters is 100, it’s just that I’m so proud she still can walk. And with all that facial tightening some say Kathy Lee is frightening but I applaud the fact she’s pulled so tight but still can talk. Yes celebrities, deep down I just adore you, just head my sweet critiques and you’ll stand tall. Yes that lovin’ stench you’re wiffin comes from deep in Kathy Griffin. You’re a bitch but I’m the mother of them all. It’s the A-list with the biggest bitch of all. SUCK IT!
- But if something funny happens, I can't resist. I have to tell the people.
- Well, my whole thing with gossip is I couldn`t care less if it`s true.
- The thing that cracks me up is how these reality characters start out thrilled and excited just to be on television, and how they move to thinking they are as big as the Friends.
- The thing that bums me out about The Real World is I don`t want to believe that teenagers are that stupid.
- I`m not always in that good with middle-aged heterosexual men.
- I`m always listening and watching; my ear is like a boom mike. And judging, frankly. Constantly judging.
- I love Mariah Carey. Remember the breakdown? I loved the breakdown.
- I love to make fun of fashion because it is just so silly.