- I got into a fight last night. Well... some guy hit me, and I fell down. But I felt like I was a key participant in the affair...
- The way I see life, is like we're all flying on the Hindenburg...Why fight over the window seats?
- Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in.
- I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, As much as I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, it just isn't cold enough, let's go west.
- It is a sad fact that 50 percent of marriages in this country end in divorce. But hey, the other half end in death. You could be one of the lucky ones!
- To say that this woman had a large bosom is to say that the Atlantic Ocean is damp.
- (Referring to religious wars) You're basically killing each other to see who's got the better imaginary friend.
- You're in the desert. You got nothing else to do. Name the freakin' horse.
- Referring to the America song "A Horse With No Name"
- My mother never saw the irony of calling me a son of a bitch.
- At least Charles Manson has the decency to look crazy from the moment you meet him.
- Referring to some women he's met
- Look over here on this chart, these are carbs, these are proteins, so stop eating, you fat bastard!
- You go to a steakhouse, guess what folks...no cow tank.
- I always look for a woman who has a tattoo. I see a woman with a tattoo, and I'm thinking, OK, here's a gal who's capable of making a decision she'll regret in the future.
- Pizza is like a lady's breasts. There's good pizza. And there's great pizza. But there isn't bad pizza.
(coming up with a slogan to advertise America) "America: Twenty million illegal aliens can't be wrong!"