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- "I don't consider myself a comedian…more of a phenomenon."
- "Ha-ha! Missed both my legs!"(After being hit in the groin with a cricket bat)
- "My enormous penis, obviously." (On what he considers his greatest achievement)
- "I found a shiny silver penny on the floor of my house today."(After his quadbike accident)
- "What does a man with a two foot cock have for breakfast? Well, this morning I had a boiled egg."
- "I don't like to talk about myself because I don't want people to know who I am."
- "Whenever I'm nearta the theatre I ask myself this question, but I don't know Vanessa Redgrave!"
- "Whenever I'm nearta a friend in the theatre I ask him this question with my eyes *Rolls eyes* He sighs, and replies like all the other guys... "I don't know""
- "It takes more than a firetruck to stop Drop Dead Fred!"
- "Who's up for snot flicking?"
- "If something's not working properly, the best thing to do is tear it apart to make it better."
- "Oh, and how many cows have you seen sitting next to the fire, nestling over slippers Alan? Not a lot! Oh go and fetch a paper from the newsagents, Daisy!" (In a debate with 'Vim Fuego' over whether cows are domesticated animals on the Bad News Album)
- "I say, what a smashing blouse!"
- "Is my skid-mark showing?"
- "You thorough and total wank-biscuit!"
- "Fire away duckie, I'm all ears!"
- "I have a one way ticket to oblivion and I'm going to raise hell getting there!"
- "I may be packing the kind of tackle you'd expect to find swinging between the hind legs of a grand national winner, but I'm not completely stupid".