Talk:The Colbert Report

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Openers[edit]

Actually, some of the quotes should go in the openers. —The preceding unsigned comment was added by 207.180.144.59 (talkcontribs) 02:51, 4 April 2006 (UTC)

Quotes merged from the Wikipedia article[edit]

I have moved the following raw data improperly transwikied into this article over to the talk page, so it may be properly merged instead of cluttering up the article itself. ~ Jeff Q (talk) 08:20, 2 July 2006 (UTC)


These quotes have been placed in a seperate section to avoid duplicate quotes. Please integrate these into the main article.

  • Talking to an Ohio CongresswomanTwenty-two astronauts are from Ohio. What is it about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?”
  • “As I understand it, this how you breed NASCAR fans; you get them to ingest more lead. You take the lead outta your gas and those same fans are just gonna lose interest and waste all their entertainment dollars at the art museum.”
  • “Lincolnish.”
  • “What were the Montagues and the Capulets but Crips and Bloods in tights?”
  • Joe Camel. He didn’t just teach me about smooth taste, he did it with a head shaped like a penis.”
  • “What kind of a father lets his 16-year-old roam around a war zone? This is unacceptable… for two more years! After that, he’ll be of legal recruitment age, so sign him up, 'cause we're gonna need more troops.”
  • “Nation, wasps are just bees that are too lazy to make honey.”
  • “Who the hell does Sigmund Freud think he is? I for one, had no idea who he is, so I did a thorough study, read the entire Wikipedia entry (even the accurate parts). According to Freud, we’re motivated by thoughts and emotions that we’re not even conscious of. They’re called ‘subconscious thoughts’ and I don’t like ‘em. Having a subconscious encourages self-examination. Self-examination, in my opinion, is only good for prostates and breasts. Otherwise, folks, it is dangerous. Socrates believed the unexamined life was not worth living. He believed in asking questions about ourselves and look what it got him -- a hemlock smoothie.”
  • “I know the Pope’s infallible, but that doesn’t mean he can’t make mistakes. This is one huge Pontifical boner.”
  • “The ‘Id’ police out there would say that all my political beliefs can be explained by Freudian motivations, but folks, that’s just crazy. I’ve got perfectly rational reasons for what I believe. I’m in favor of missile defense, yes, not because missiles remind me of a penis; I like them for their power, their thrust, the explosive impositions of our will into the fertile deltas of another country. Iran’s begging for it.”
  • “If Germans are happy, it means someone else is miserable.”
  • “When you’re hiking, you put this little bell on your clothes and it jingles. That makes the bears think it’s Christmas, which they hate because they are godless killing machines.”
  • “Normally, I don’t support anything Bipartisan. Actually, I don’t support anytthing with the prefix ‘bi’. Bilingual, bisexual, bicycle — they all smack of moral weakness. You wanna send a strong message? Make love to a member of the opposite sex, while speaking English, on a unicycle. It’s harder than it sounds.”
  • “Congressmen are gonna need a hell of a name. Something bold. Something sexy. Something with a little more zazz than F.E.M.A. Here’s what I propose: the Storm, Accident and Viral Emergency Unconditional Relief-Support and Emendation of Loss Federation (S.A.V.E. U.R.S.E.L.F.)”
  • Signing statements. It’s a complex topic but it boils down to this: leadership. Here’s how it works: Congress debates, refines and ultimately passes a bill and the President signs it into law. Now, with most Presidents that’s the end of the story but sometimes a President goes a step further and issues a signing statement. It’s an official document that says, ‘A law applies exactly as written EXCEPT (and this is important) when the president doesn’t feel like it.’ Before George W. Bush, they’d only been used 322 times in presidential history. Bush alone has issued 750… Adding the word ‘not’ to the end of a sentence negates everything that comes before it. A signing statement is the Presidential equivalent. Now, the President uses more formal language like, ‘I don’t think the Constitution protects certain types of prisoners’ (the arrested kind). This way the President can make sure a law is applied the way the Founders intended, specifically, the Founders of the Bush administration (i.e. Karl Rove). It leaves nothing to chance (or the Judiciary)... Laws are full of complicated clauses and Latin mumbo-jumbo (like Habeas Corpus). Signing statements replace all that with a message even a child could understand (‘You’re not the boss of me!’)… Congress, think of passing laws as putting ideas into the Presidential suggestion box; he’ll have someone read every one (good way to get Gitmo prisoners to learn English).”
  • "Take Adam! First thing Adam did was kill the dinosaurs, fossilize them and bury them. (they looked at his woman)"
  • "Outrage is the only thing that separates us from Canadians. (that and real bacon)"
  • "Without hideous generalizations none of us would get to say, 'You’re wrong! I know some Irish people who are not drunks!'(name one.)"
  • "'Sarcasm' is when you mean the opposite of what you are saying, like, 'I’m so proud of you, son.'"
  • "If we call it the long war, who can really criticize it for not being short? It’s right there in the name."
  • "Dont read ANYTHING-- you never know when you'll see something you'll not like."
  • "Need I remind you, if the Democrats take control of congress, democrats will be in control of congress!! I always thought a Democratic conress was a myth like global warming (or WMDs)"
  • "Thankfully the republicans have finally woken up. (naked next to Jack Abramoff)"
  • "Without our hefty heroes there would be no songs about fat-bottomed girls or lovely lady lumps. ( and operas would never end)"
  • "Pull a man from the water, he survives one hurricaine. Teach a man to row, he could survive global warming. (He'll have to teach himself to fish)"
  • "Romance languages lead to pre-marital sex. (chicks dig accents)."
  • "David Lee Roth is only good at one thing - - singing 'Panama.'"
  • "Hey kid, wanna get morally high?"

Episode listing[edit]

I have moved this mess of non-quote material from the article to the talk page so that it might be used for properly sourcing quotes. (I have also reformatted it into a more useful form, eliminating redundancy and making the dates unambiguous. I have not verified that it is accurate.) Wikiquote is not a dumping ground for such material. Please do not add long tracts of show information to articles just because it's possible. ~ Jeff Q (talk) 08:20, 2 July 2006 (UTC)


  • 2005-10-17: Flu the Coop
  • 2005-10-18: Drop the Prom
  • 2005-10-19: Mother of all Snoozers
  • 2005-10-20: We Might Be Giant
  • 2005-10-24: Quagmiers
  • 2005-10-25: Bernanke
  • 2005-10-26: Naan-Issue
  • 2005-10-27: Withdrawal Method
  • 2005-10-31: Fitz and Sass
  • 2005-11-01: Smokin Bowles
  • 2005-11-02: Pet Sounds
  • 2005-11-03: Noises Off
  • 2005-11-07: Burning Down La Maison
  • 2005-11-08: Eaglemaniac
  • 2005-11-09: Hasta La Vista
  • 2005-11-10: Oiling Point
  • 2005-11-14: Desperate Housewife
  • 2005-11-15: Touring Japanese
  • 2005-11-16: Operation Enduring Pressure
  • 2005-11-17: Truly Manly Deeply
  • 2005-11-28: Combat Iraq
  • 2005-11-29: Martin Smartin
  • 2005-11-30: Mission Re-Accomplished
  • 2005-12-05: KC Masterpieces
  • 2005-12-06: Elder Bury
  • 2005-12-07: Little Drummer Boyscout
  • 2005-12-08: Trading Postage
  • 2005-12-09: 1000 Points of Death
  • 2005-12-12: Clear and Present Manger
  • 2005-12-13: Sideline Psychos
  • 2005-12-14: Presidential Sealed
  • 2005-12-15: Release Navidad
  • 2006-01-10: Generation Gasp
  • 2006-01-11: Advise and Confound
  • 2006-01-12: Missed Congeniality
  • 2006-01-16: File Under 'F'
  • 2006-01-17: Prophets and Loss
  • 2006-01-18: Special education
  • 2006-01-19: Orwell That Ends Well
  • 2006-01-23: Truce or Consequences
  • 2006-01-24: If These Walls Could Talk
  • 2006-01-25: Northern Rights
  • 2006-01-26: Shock and Ow
  • 2006-01-30: Oprahs Least Favorite Thing
  • 2006-01-31: Serious George
  • 2006-02-01: Labor Party
  • 2006-02-02: Jerrold Mandering
  • 2006-02-06: State of the Union 76
  • 2006-02-07: Flame That Toon
  • 2006-02-08: Bunsen Burnout
  • 2006-02-09: Smells Like Olympic Spirit
  • 2006-02-21: Red White and Bronze
  • 2006-02-22: Emirate Domain
  • 2006-02-23: Mardi Grades
  • 2006-02-27: Bible Beltway
  • 2006-02-28: Bourbon Renewal
  • 2006-03-01: Lent Ills
  • 2006-03-02: Unnatural Selection
  • 2006-03-06: Auto Asphyxiation
  • 2006-03-07: Nom de War
  • 2006-03-08: Mortgaging Our Future
  • 2006-03-09: Independence Day
  • 2006-03-13: Bada-Bigotry
  • 2006-03-14: The Fastow and the Furious
  • 2006-03-15: Seminal Work
  • 2006-03-16: You Snooze You Gain
  • 2006-03-20: Getting Warmer
  • 2006-03-21: Land of the Rising Run
  • 2006-03-22: Sunshine State of the Spotless Mind
  • 2006-03-23: Tradition Edition
  • 2006-03-27: Clobberin Time
  • 2006-03-28: Spring Offensive
  • 2006-03-29: Married to the Mob
  • 2006-03-30: That Time of the Year
  • 2006-04-03: My Little Clone-y
  • 2006-04-04: Marsh Attacks
  • 2006-04-05: Delay Reaction
  • 2006-04-06: Poll Dance
  • 2006-04-17: Water Into Whine
  • 2006-04-18: General Malaise
  • 2006-04-19: Warm Mongering
  • 2006-04-20: Romeo in Joliet
  • 2006-04-24: Cheques and Balances
  • 2006-04-25: Van Failin
  • 2006-04-26: Star Mangled Banner
  • 2006-04-27: Snow Informer
  • 2006-05-01: O Brother Shut Up Thou
  • 2006-05-02: Immigrant Throng
  • 2006-05-03: Relief Bitchers
  • 2006-05-04: Fried Rites
  • 2006-05-08: Check Imbalanced
  • 2006-05-09: Freud Rage
  • 2006-05-10: Slap on the Wristband
  • 2006-05-11: House of Blues

Cleanup and copyright issues[edit]

This article seems to be getting worse, not better. I beg the current editors to read Wikiquote:Templates/TV shows, as mentioned in the {{tv-cleanup}} tag, to learn how to properly format a TV-show article.

In addition, the entire "opening quotes" section needs to be reformatted properly (read Wikiquote:How to edit a page for basic guidelines. especially the section on "wiki markup") and severely edited down. Wikiquote is NOT a repository for the complete contents of any element of a copyrighted work, as this violates copyright law. Fan websites may be able to get away with this, but the Wikimedia Foundation will not allow its resources to be used for this purpose. Articles should contain a select subset of interesting quotes. If Wikiquotian fans of the show don't do this themselves, someone who knows little about the show will eventually come along and axe most of the material anyway, so I urge interested editors to make the reductions themselves. ~ Jeff Q (talk) 08:31, 2 July 2006 (UTC)

Aside from the other obvious issues, seeing as every single opening line is listed in the episode guide on Wikipedia, there's really no reason to have any other than perhaps the funniest or most memorable ones here. Just my two cents.Shoemoney2night 08:11, 24 October 2007 (UTC)

It's French, bitch[edit]

In one of the promos for the show, Stephen says "It's French, bitch!". During an interview in the first season an interviewee ask Stephen wether his name originates from France. Colbert again responds "Oh yeah, it's French, bitch". It can be considered a classic quote~, and should be added, but I am unable to figure out in which episode it occured. Does anyone have a clue? 80.202.221.193 23:02, 24 August 2006 (UTC)

Season 2[edit]

In the last quote (where Stephen is talking to Uncle Sam) it says: "...and already they've already got us stuck ..." One of the two "alreadys" should be removed. Dont know the original quote, so dont know which one it is. WikiMot 11:32, 15 December 2009 (UTC)