The Benchwarmers

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The Benchwarmers is a 2006 American comedy film directed by Dennis Dugan. It stars Rob Schneider, David Spade and Jon Heder.


  • I love beef stew!
  • Hold on my moms texting me...No Way! We're having macaroni tonight that means garlic bread.. Yes!!
  • Is bad ass one or two words?


  • For years I thought the sun was a monster. But I am here to tell you that it's not a monster! IT'S NOT A MONSTER! [cries]
  • Fine, you can eat the thin mints at my funeral, Richie.
  • Richie told me about that killer lose in the neighborhood, He is killing anyone named Howie! That’s my name, That’s My Name!


  • Howie, you're a freak.
  • Keep it under a billion, that's all I got... on me hahaha.
  • If you build it, nerds will come.


  • Richie: I... love... salad.
  • Old Man At The Video Store: I smell Cinnamon rolls...
  • Gus: My wife is the only one who gets to twist these man titties.


Gus: Clark, don't pick your nose in front of me, please.
Clark: I'm not picking, I'm scratching.
Gus: What are you scratching? Your brain?
Clark: Yeah, 'cause it's huge.

Richie: He just did that steroid free!
Clark: What's steroids?
Richie: Something that makes your pee-pee smaller.
Clark: Ohh... there must be steroids in macaroni!

Gus: I think this is a sign that you should get a car.
Clark: My mom said I should hold off on getting my license for another year. [Extends arms forward and then retracts] You know, just to make sure my reflexes are fully developed.

Howie: I`m not afraid of the sun anymore.
Wayne: That`s good, buddy. How's the moon treating you?
Howie: Not a fan!

Howie: That's so great...what does all the way mean?
Wayne: [whispers in Howie's ear]
Howie: [squeezes suntan lotion and screams] Aaaaaah!

Number 7 Robot: Ha-ha-ha! I heard you stunk!
Clark: Shut up, Number 7!
Number 7 Robot: You shut up!
Clark: I'll kill you!

Clark: Gus!
Richie: Gus!
[Gus is busy mowing a lawn and cannot hear them calling]
Clark: He can't hear us.
[He picks up a rock in Gus' yard and throws it at Gus in an attempt to get his attention. Gus runs over the rock and it blasts out, hitting Richie in the groin]
Richie: [Falls on the ground] Ohh! Ah...
Gus: [Finally hearing them] Hey fellas. [Walks over to them] You okay, Richie?
Richie: [Standing up] Yeah, I'm fine, just... purple nuts.

Brad: Clark? Richie? I hardly recognize you two clowns without the underwear on your head!
Richie: Brad, wow, you have really not slimmed down.
Brad: Oh, eat me! So I hear from Jerry that you tools think your atheletes now?
Richie: That's funny. I didn't know athlete had three sylables. Ath-a-lete! Thats ama-za-zing!
Brad: You think your hot shit cause you know words!
Clark: Hey, Brad, why don't you be a stud and point us toward the register? Or register-er!
Brad: My team practices today at 5! Swing by if you she-men want to lose!
[He punches a dummy]
Richie: You can't handle the truth!
Brad: Bring it!
Clark: SUCK IT!

Kyle: I'm gonna call the cops!
Clark: We are cops! We're Navy Seals!
Kyle: Navy Seals aren't cops!
Troy: Aren't you our paperboy?
Clark: I'm undercover.

Kyle: Time to meet your makers!
Clark: Makers of what? Poop?

Wayne: Is that beer?
Carlos: [stumbling] No it's Gatorade, honkey. Just give me the ball.

Mel: Now, Richie, do you have any kids?
Richie: Never had a date.
Mel: Clark?
Clark: Never spoke to a girl.
Mel: Gu... [Pauses a bit, realizing that what Clark said was weird] Gus?
Gus: Uh, my wife and I are kind of working on it.

Richie: Clark, we don't play baseball.
Clark: I told Gus we'd be there, Richie. And if we don't go, that makes me a liar. And that's not what I'm about. Not now, NOT EVER!

Kid catcher: One out! Gonna be two outs!
Richie: Yeah, I bet you're a really good catcher...of doughnuts in your mouth.
[After 2 strikes, he gets a foul tick]
Kid catcher: I caught it. You're out.
Richie: But I ticked it! It hit the bat!
Kid catcher: You're still out.
Richie: You're still fat!

Gus: [to Nelson] Hey. Are you the kid who got farted on earlier?
Mel: Yes. This is my son Nelson. He's become quite the fart magnet for the neighborhood bullies.
Nelson: I also get a healthy smear of animal turds twice daily.
Clark: When I was your age, Fairy Jerry dumped a bucket of dog poop on me.
Nelson: His son just did that to me last week!

Clark: This car is so radical. Looks just like K.I.T.T. from the show Knight Rider.
Mel: It is K.I.T.T. from Knight Rider. Watch this. [Mel activates the car with his watch]
K.I.T.T: Allow me to introduce myself. I'm K.I.T.T.
Richie: [to Mel] Who are you?
Mel: Oh, I'm just once of those nerds who grew make billions.


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