The Cosby Show

The Cosby Show (1984-1992) was an American sitcom starring Bill Cosby. The show focused on a doctor and lawyer couple and their five children, known as the Huxtable family.

Season 1

Pilot [1.01]

Theo: I mean, you're a doctor and Mom's a lawyer, but I don't love you any less because you're my dad. So instead of being disappointed that I'm not like you, maybe you should be happy and love me anyway, because I'm your son.

Cliff: Theo... That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard in my life! No wonder you get D's in everything! You're afraid to try because you're afraid your brain is going to explode and it's going to ooze out of your ears. Now I'm telling you, you are going to try as hard as you can. And you're going to do it because I said so. I am your father. I brought you in this world, and I'll take you out!

---

[Cliff and Theo are discussing Theo's grades and his possible future]

Cliff: You graduate from High school; let's say you just slide by. Now you gotta find a job. Now what kind of salary do you expect for a regular person?

Theo: Uhh, $250 a week.

Cliff: Sit down. [giving Theo Monopoly money] I'm gonna give you $300 a week. Yes indeed. $300 a week, $1200 dollars a month.

Theo: Great! I'll take it!

Cliff: Yes you will, and I will take [takes some of the money] $350 for taxes.

Theo: Whoa!

Cliff: Uh, yeah. You see, the government comes for the regular people first. Now how much does that leave you with?

Theo: $850.

Cliff:: All right. Now you have got to have an apartment, because you are not going to live here. [taking more money] So an apartment in Manhattan will run you at least $400 a month.

Theo: I'll live in New Jersey. [takes back $200]

Cliff: All right, you live in New Jersey, you've got to have a car. [takes $300]

Theo: I'll ride a motorbike. [takes back $100]

Cliff: You need a helmet. [Cliff takes $50] Figure $100 a month for clothes and shoes. [takes $100]

Theo: Figure $200 a month, I want to look good! [give Cliff $100]

Cliff: So what's that leave you with?

Theo: $200. So, no problem!

Cliff: There is a problem, you haven't eaten yet! [Cliff takes $100]

Theo: I can get by on baloney and cereal. [takes back $100] So I've got everything under control PLUS $200 left for the month.

Cliff: You plan to have a girlfriend?

Theo: For sure.

[Cliff takes the remaining $200]

Cliff: [pointing at Theo's empty hand] Regular people.

Goodbye, Mr. Fish [1.02]

Cliff: Take the sunglasses off! [Denise takes them off, revealing weird make up on the side of her face] Put the sunglasses on!

---

Denise: Dad, it's okay to be weird here, but you're going outside the house now.

Theo: He's a minister, Dad, he'll tell God we're crazy.

Cliff: We are here to say good bye to Lamont, the goldfish. Vanessa: I always felt safe with him around.

Bad Dreams [1.03]

Vanessa: There is no fun in my life!

Cliff: As you get older, it gets worse.

---

Cliff: What did I tell you about pushing your sister?

Vanessa: I'm just hurrying her along.

Cliff: That's fine, she's only 5 now, but she IS going to grow up and she MAY get into body building. And then she'll track you down and say "Remember all the times you used to push me around?" and clean your clock!

Is That My Boy? [1.04]

[Cliff is excited and jittery that his son made the school football team]

Claire: Cliff, now this may be impossible, but do you think you can calm down?

Cliff: [happily swerving] Calm? Sure I can be calm!

Claire: Cliff, your eyes are dancing.

Cliff: Are they? [walks to a mirror] Let me see. [looks in the mirror] They are, aren't they? They are! They are dancing!

Claire: Cliff, come on now sit down.

Cliff: No no, do me a favor, do me a favor, say it again. I wanna see them dance, let 'em go! Let 'em go! Say it!

Claire: Football!

Cliff: THERE THEY GO!

---

Claire: We are very fortunate to have the children, Cliff. Otherwise we would never know the joy of leaving them at home.

A Shirt Story [1.05]

Cliff: I'll give you thirty dollars.

Theo: Thirty?!

Cliff: 'Kay then, five!

---

Cliff: No 14-year-old boy should have a $95 shirt unless he's on stage with his 4 brothers.

...

Cliff: I don't have a $95 shirt, and I have a JOB.

Breaking With Tradition [1.06]

Theo: [cleaning the kitchen] Dad is it okay if I take a break now?

Cliff: Yeah, uh you've been working five minutes straight now.

---

Cliff's Father: [about Theo] Where are you sending him?

Cliff: If he picks up his grades, high school.

One More Time [1.07]

[Claire is babysitting a baby]

Claire: Oh just holding him sets off all these weird stirs, and I wonder if I don't want another one...

Cliff: Uhh, let me help you. You don't.

Claire: So, you're saying you don't want another one?

Cliff: Claire, sometimes I don't even want the ones we have now.

---

Claire's Mother: When you and Cliff got married, what did I say?

Claire: You wanted me to have a child.

Claire's Mother: Why?

Claire: Revenge.

Play It Again Vanessa [1.08]

Cliff: [after a long screeched note on a clarinet is heard downstairs] Have we moved closer to the river?

[More sounds]

Theo: You think she's blowing through the right end?

[Even worse sounds]

Cliff: I think she just killed a goose.

---

[Vanessa is playing the clarinet badly while Cliff and Theo are playing chess]

Cliff: [starts destroying the game] That´s it, halftime.

Theo: Dad, there's no halftime in chess!

Cliff: The band is playing, so that's halftime.

How Ugly is He? [1.09]

Cliff: [Talking to Denise's boy-friend] If you don't plan on going to college then what do you plan on doing?

David: I think I'm going to just spend some time trying to find myself.

Cliff: And how long do you think that's going to take?

David: About five or ten years.

Cliff: In that amount of time you could find yourself and a few other people.

Denise: Dinners ready. [as Cliff walks by] So how do you like him?

Cliff: I don't know if it's him or not; he hasn't found himself yet.

---

Cliff: The entree, Dr. Huxtable's Salisbury Steak deluxe!

David: I'm sorry, Dr. Huxtable, I don't eat meat.

Cliff: The boy does not eat meat.

David: I'm a vegetarian.

Denise: I didn't know that!

Claire: Well we got lots of red beans and rice.

David: I'm sorry, I only eat brown rice.

Cliff: That's all right, we can take the rice and burn it for you.

Bon Jour Sondra [1.10]

Cliff: I wish I was 20 again.

Sondra: Would you go to Rio?

Cliff: Your mother wouldn't let me.

---

[Cliff is instructing Theo how to carve a turkey]

Cliff: [imitating Julia Child] First, you slice ever so gently along the grain, following the contour of the bird.

Theo: Dad, why are you talking like that?

Cliff: [still imitating Julia Child] I have no idea; it's just that it makes me feel more secure when I'm in the kitchen.

You're Not a Mother Night [1.11]

Female Client: That's a wonderful thing you're doing for your wife!

Cliff: Thank you.

Client: How long you been married?

Cliff: 21 years.

Client: How many kids?

Cliff: Four at home and one in college.

Client: Five children and 21 years. What are you celebrating?

Cliff: Survival.

---

[Claire and Cliff have just gotten into bed, and the phone rings; Cliff answers]

Cliff: Hello? ... This better be necessary. [hands the phone to Claire] It's for you.

Claire: Hello.

The Kids: [on the other end] Good night mom! And don't bring home another baby!

Rudy's Sick [1.12]

Claire: Make sure she stays in the bed, give her lots of liquids, and aspirin every four hours.

Cliff: I don't believe you! You're the only woman who went to law school and got a degree in medicine!

---

Rudy: [yelling from upstairs] Daddy!! Did Mommy leave?

Cliff: Yes. What do you want?

Rudy: Mommy!

Father's Day [1.13]

[Cliff walks downstairs wearing a bunch of outrageous things he's gotten in the past for Father's Day]

Rudy: Dad you look funny!

Cliff: Well thank you!

Rudy: You're welcome!

---

[Cliff is opening Rudy's gift to him]

Cliff: Da-dadada-dan dan dan DAAA!

[Cliff opens the gift to reveal a tube of Tennis Balls]

Cliff: Tennis balls!

Rudy: I hope they're the right size.

Cliff: I'm sure they're the right size! Let me see. [opens up the canister]

Rudy: I looked in your closet, and there was only one left.

Cliff: And you know what, they are the right size!

Independence Day [1.14]

Cliff: Look my folks are not coming over to eat, they are coming over here to spoil the children.

Claire: Well what do you expect? They're grandparents.

Cliff: Right, grandparents, all right. These are not the same people I grew up with, these are the biggest hypocrites you've ever seen.

...

Claire: Your mother's one of the sweetest people I've ever met.

Cliff: I didn't say she wasn't sweet. But this woman comes over here to the house, kisses every child. 'Just come here and kiss your grandmother. Oh you're just the most beautiful children on the face of this earth!' But when I was her child, I'm telling you, this woman, all she ever wanted to do was take a stick and ask God to give her enough strength so she could knock us somewhere! And to this day, I still don't know where Kingdom-come is. And all she is, as far as I'm concerned, is an old person trying to get into Heaven now.

---

Theo: [revealing his earring to Cliff] It's an earring, dad. There's a hole in my ear, and Denise says it might be infected.

[Cliff comes over, to examine the ear, touches the ear, and Theo flinches]

Cliff: Well, she's right. It is infected. Come on.

Theo: What are you gonna do to me?

Cliff: I am going to fix your ear.

Theo: Then what?

Cliff: You expecting some sort of punishment?

Theo: Shouldn't I?

Cliff: Yeah.

Physician of the Year [1.15]

Theo: Dad, Denise is hogging the bathroom!

Cliff: Why don't you use the one downstairs?

Theo: The small one? That one's for guests.

Cliff: Then pretend you don't live here.

Jitterbug Break [1.16]

Theo: Hey, if Dad lets you go, I'll give you five-hundred dollars.

Denise: You don't have five-hundred dollars!

Theo: Do I look worried?

---

Vanessa: Theo is babysitting?!

Cliff: That's right.

Vanessa: But what if the house catches fire?

Cliff: Then Theo will call the fire department!

Vanessa: Well what if burglars break in?

Cliff: Then Theo will un-arm them!

Vanessa: Well what if they know karate?

Cliff: Then Theo will die!

Theo and the Joint [1.17]

Theo: Hi mom!

Claire: Hi. Where are you going?

Theo: Down the street to play touch football.

Claire: Theo, it's five degrees out there!

Theo: I got two pairs of socks on.

Claire: Well you are putting on gloves and a hat.

Theo: Mom, this is freeze football. If you wear a lot of stuff, you're not a real man!

Claire: Well how's a real man gonna feel when his mother shows up on the field carrying his gloves and a hat?

[Theo puts on the gloves and a hat; Cliff enters the front door]

Theo: Hey dad.

Cliff: Hey, where you going?

Theo: Freeze football.

Cliff: You can't play freeze football like that, you gotta take all that stuff off!

Vanessa's New Class [1.18]

Claire: Cliff that really was not necessary.

Cliff: What?

Claire: Cliff, these classes are competitive enough without us putting extra pressure on this girl.

Cliff: There's nothing wrong with a little competition.

Claire: Okay I just don't want Vanessa to get carried away like a certain person in this family...

Cliff: You talking about me?

Claire: Yes. Yes as a matter of fact I am. Now let's take the way you play Monopoly.

Cliff: What does Monopoly got to do with science?

Claire: I'm talking about the way you handle competition. You see, most human beings view Monopoly as a game. But you take it as a means to crush all those who dare challenge you! You are the worst! Someone gets a 'Go to Jail' card, you applaud.

Cliff: That's right.

Claire: Somebody lands on your property, you start making cash register sounds!

Cliff: Cha-ching! Cha-ching! That's right!

Claire: And then when you win, you pile all your money up on the floor and roll in it! You are the worst!

Cliff: Yeah, now I know what you're talking about! This has nothing to do with science. You're still warm about the Monopoly game we played- [laughs] and- and I had Boardwalk, and you rolled the dice, and you landed on my Boardwalk! And I had about 5000 hotels, and 600 houses, and you only had $30! And I told you to pay up, and you said, 'But I'm your wife!' [Claire leaves the room] ...and you'd better pay!

Clair's Case [1.19]

Claire: [preparing for a court case] Now, Ms. Huxtable. Would you please tell the court exactly what Mr. Wilson said to you after he examined your engine for the first time?

Cliff: You know, I have the perfect strategy, for this mechanic huddle. I think that we ought to just forget about the trial, and the three of us go over to his house and beat him up!

Back to the Track, Jack [1.20]

Vanessa: Dad can I talk to you for a minute?

Cliff: Sure.

Vanessa: Privately? It's about boys.

Rudy: Excuuuuuse me.

---

Ernie: How much did you weigh in college?

Cliff: A hundred and sixty-five.

Ernie: And how much do you weigh now?

Cliff: A hundred and sixty-five.

Ernie: With your clothes on!

Cliff: 206.

Ernie: Whoa!

The Younger Woman [1.21]

Claire: If I died, would you marry again?

Cliff: We'll talk about it when it happens.

Claire: We can't talk about it then!

Cliff: Okay, no. The answer is no. I wouldn't.

Claire: Under no circumstances, if I die, would you marry again. You would be single forever?

Cliff: Yes.

Claire: Would you date somebody?

Cliff: No. I wouldn't.

Claire: Okay, Cliff I'm dead. I'm gone.

Cliff: And you're still in the bed with me?

---

Cliff: Suppose I die, and your mother came home with a 19 year old boy...

Sondra: Yeah?

Cliff: Well what do you mean, 'yeah?' I mean, I'm dead, and you can't even mourn for a tenth of a second?

Sondra: Dad, you're not dead, you're sitting right here. This is a hypothetical death.

Cliff: Okay, it's a hypothetical death, but you didn't even take the time out for a hypothetical mourning! I mean it's almost as if you wished I was dead.

Sondra: No, dad, I don't want you to die!

Cliff: Are you sure?

Sondra: Yes.

Claire: Cliff, what's the point?

Cliff: The point is I'm dead, and you all have me out on the sidewalk with the garbage.

Claire: Cliff, you are a wonderful husband and a loving father, but darling, you do have a problem. You never get to the point.

Cliff: I am trying to get to the point.

Claire: All right, Cliff, go ahead. If you die...

Cliff: Never mind.

The Slumber Party [1.22]

Cliff: What's the matter?

Rudy: I'm bored.

Cliff: You're bored? Well that's funny because I've got $3 million of books up in your room.

---

Cliff: Now, Rudy, what did your grandpa do to make you all quiet?

Rudy: He said if you all sit down quietly and smile, you'll give us all a dollar by morning.

Mr. Quiet [1.23]

Cliff: [entering a building] Hi, Chester. How's everything going?

Chester: You're late! You have a whole class back there yelling at me! Get here on time!

Claire: [nicely] Hello, Chester.

Chester: [nicely] Well hello, Mrs. Huxtable!

Cliff: Why are you being so nice to her? She's late too Chester.

Chester: Well she's late, but looks good. You're just late!

Cliff's Birthday [1.24]

Cliff: The joy of a birthday, is finding out what the present is, before one gets it. And you know I always do.

Claire: Not this year.

Cliff: 'Not this year.' You say that every year, and every year, I find out. So what do you want to do, you want to tell me what it is now sweetie? Or do you want me to start working on the children?

Claire: You may work on whomever you please.

Cliff: Really?

Claire: But you're not going to find out anything.

Cliff: Let the games begin.

---

Cliff: So I know there's going to be a present for me, boy. So, what is it?

Theo: Come on, Dad, you know I can't tell you.

Cliff:: [chuckles] I know that. How old are you now?

Theo: 14.

Cliff: 14. Two years from now, you're going to want a car. I'm the only one who can buy it for you. So my boy, what's it gonna be?

Theo: Okay, Dad.

Cliff: Okay.

[a moment passes as the two look around to make sure no one is watching]

Theo: This year, everyone is pitching in to get you something you're really gonna love.

Cliff Well what is it?

[another moment passes as the two look around to make sure no one is watching]

Theo They won't tell me.

Season 2

First Day of School [2.01]

Cliff: Clair, Clair. Clair! [kisses Clair] Clair, Clair, it's the first day of school!

Clair: It's the first day of school?

Cliff: First day of school!

Clair: We get the house back?!

Cliff: We made it through the summer! And now all we have to do is get them out of the house, and if you and I are good about it, we can get them out in ten minutes!

---

Cliff: [to Theo] A vacation is something you get when you have a job and work. Now don't get me wrong, I'm not saying you didn't work hard all summer. You were the hardest worker I ever saw, at begging, begging for money for pizza, begging to stay up later to chase little girls who didn't love you. And son, now, you get to rest. [Theo falls back on the bed] You get to go to school!

---

[Theo is wearing a sweatshirt with the sleeves cut off]

Cliff: Theo is that the shirt we bought?

Theo: Yeah.

Cliff: Well, when we bought it, didn't it have sleeves?

Theo: Yeah, they're upstairs.

Cliff: Well, didn't they feel like coming down this morning?

---

Clair: It's your turn to wake the children. I woke them on the last day of school.

Cliff: That is nothing. All you did was stand out in the hall and shouted "Last day of school!!" and the children next door were jumping out of windows!

---

Cliff: [Phone rings.] Oh, not another Vanessa caller. [answers] Vanessa's residence? No, she cannot come to the phone right now. Because it's now 10:01, and she cannot take any calls past 10:00. No I cannot take a message, I am her father. I'm a doctor, I graduated from medical school, alright? Thank you for calling, this is a live voice.

The Juicer [2.02]

Clair: What is this?

Cliff: Dear. This is a stainless steel maintenance free appliance which provides nutritious drinks for just pennies a day.

Clair: And it's going to end up with the rest of the stainless steel self maintenance appliances in the appliance graveyard underneath the counter. [opens up the counter] Let's see. [pulls out a waffle-maker] The answer to Sunday breakfast?

Cliff: Yes I bought that.

Clair: "Waffles, Clair. I'm going to make waffles every Sunday morning!" Until you had to clean it! And this... [pulls out a special pan] "Crepes, Clair. Think of all the different kind of crepes we can make with this." Turned out to be none.

Theo: Yeah but mom, remember the sausage stuffer?

Claire: Didn't stuff a thing!

Cliff: [to Theo] Et tu, Brute?

---

Clair: Appliances can be hard to resist sometimes. They're shiny, they make weird noises, they have those buttons that light up. That's why your father likes them!

---

Cliff: Is this the same juicer that I said, 'Mine, mine, mine'?

Rudy: Yes...are you mad?

Cliff: Yes, yes, yes.

Happy Anniversary [2.03]

Sondra: We thought it would be nice if we cooked the meal for Grandma and Grandpa's anniversary.

Theo: And I'm sure you girls will do a great job.

Sondra: Theo, I mean all of us.

Theo: I don't cook.

Clair: Maybe you should learn.

Theo: Why?

Clair: Theo, you're going to leave this house one day and you're going to want to eat.

Theo: I'll have my girlfriend cook!

Clair: Now where are you getting this attitude from?

Theo: Cockroach.

Clair, Vanessa, and Sondra: Ohhh Cockroach.

Theo: You see, we decided, we're only going to date girls who cook.

Sondra: Theo, the women of today have better things to do than to stay in the kitchen.

Theo: That's because the women of today haven't met the man of tomorrow.

---

Russell: I've been to Europe and I didn't care for it.

Cliff: Yeah, but it was 1943 and you were running alongside of a tank.

---

[Cliff and Clair are snuggling in bed. Cliff moves over closer to Clair.]

Clair: Cliff, your feet are freezing!

Cliff: That's why I brought them over there.

Clair: Well, why don't you move your feet over to your side of the bed until they warm up?

[Cliff pulls his feet away.]

Cliff: Now they're cold and lonely.

Cliff in Love [2.04]

Sondra: Every time he goes out with the guys, he expects me to sit and wait for him, his plans are always more important than mine!

Cliff: Why do you keep going back to this boy?

Sondra: Dad, because he's wonderful! He's intelligent, he has a good sense of humor, and we have a great time together.

Cliff: When? [Claire smacks him]

Sondra: When we're not fighting.

Claire: Well when is that? [Cliff smacks Claire]

---

Cliff: So, you'll stay!

Darell: I don't want to impose.

Cliff: Ha! You're not imposing, have a little dinner with the Huxtable family.

Darrell: Well okay, but only if you let me help with the meal.

Cliff: You cook?

Darrell: Yes, Dr. Huxtable I believe I told you that.

Cliff: [in Sondra's direction] Ha-ha! Come on, we'll all go to the kitchen.

Sondra: That way we'll be done before my ride gets here.

Cliff: That's right, and by the time your ride gets here, maybe you'll have a new ride.

---

Cliff: You don't have time!

Darryl: Why not?

Cliff: Because he's coming!

Darryl: Who's coming?

Cliff: Elvin.

Darryl: Who's Elvin?

Cliff: Elvin is the fellow she likes.

Darryl: Oh. Then why am I here?

Cliff: Because you're the fellow I like!

---

Elvin: My mother works and I don't like it. Sometimes I come home and there's no dinner ready.

Cliff: [laughing] What, are your hands broken?

---

Clair: Would you and Dr. Huxtable like some coffee?

Elvin: Coffee?

Clair: Yes, coffee.

Elvin: You mean, you're gonna get it?

Clair: Yes, you're surprised?

Elvin: I'm sorry Mrs. Huxtable, I didn't think you did that kind of thing.

Clair: What kind of thing?

Elvin: You know....serve.

[Cliff sits down rubbing his face]

Clair: Serve whom?

Elvin: Serve him. [pointing to Cliff]

Clair: Oh, serve him! You mean like, serve your man?

Elvin: Well yeah.

Clair: Let me tell you something Elvin. You see, I am not serving Dr. Huxtable. Okay?

Elvin: Okay.

Clair: That's the kind of thing that goes on in a restaurant. Now I am gonna bring him a cup of coffee just like he brought me a cup of coffee this morning. And that, young man, is what marriage is made of, it is give and take 50/50. And if you don't get it together, and drop these macho attitudes, you ain't never gonna have anybody bringing you anything anywhere anyplace anytime evah! Now what would you like in your coffee?

Elvin: Maybe I could get you some coffee.

Clair: Elvin that's all right. I don't mind getting it. But thanks for offering.

[Clair leaves room]

Cliff: Elvin?

Elvin: Yes sir?

Cliff: When she brings the coffee back, if I were you I wouldn't drink it.

Theo And The Older Woman [2.05]

Denise: Daddy, did you know that Susan is coming over today?

Cliff: The girl from your social studies class?

Denise: Yeah. You're in your pajamas.

Cliff: Right, well you said the two of you wanted to observe normal everyday activities.

Denise: And this is what you're wearing?

Cliff: Denise, today's Saturday, you're lucky I have on what I have on.

---

Clair: [about gardening] If this is so lovely, how come you're not down here giving me a hand?

Cliff: Because that's dirt.

Clair: No, to you it's dirt. To me, it's life.

Cliff: Ha ha. Then why is it that you get upset when the children track life into the house?

---

Cliff: [about Theo flirting with Denise's friend] The girl doesn't understand that the boy is fifteen years old. At fifteen the boy would hit on a snake.

Halloween [2.06]

Clair: You might even like trick or treating!

Cliff: Trick or treating? Why don't we call it what it is? Begging!

---

[Vanessa has been filling up cups of peanuts]

Cliff: Our daughter has been in here for ten minutes, filling up bowls with peanuts.

Clair: Mmm-hmm. [nodding]

Cliff: Why is she doing that?

Clair: Robert Foreman.

Cliff: Robert Foreman wants all those peanuts?

---

Clair: I remember this guy named Jimmy Peterson. Now you see, Jimmy Peterson used to hang out at the city pool everyday, all summer long, and he was the finest thing there. And I knew that if I wanted to be his girlfriend, I had to get him to notice me. So, one day, I climbed the high-dive, which was something that only the absolute coolest girls did, because, see I knew he was gonna be watching.

Vanessa: What happened?

Clair: Well I got up on the high-dive, and I strutted out on that board to try and do the meanest swan dive in the history of swimming, got to the edge of the board, looked down and discovered why they call the high-dive, the high-dive. I stood there trembling, with Jimmy Peterson and everyone up there looking up at me!

Vanessa: What did you do?

Clair: I did the only thing I could do. I made everybody waiting on the ladder get off so I could get down! I walked past Jimmy Peterson, I was so embarrassed, I couldn't even look him in the face. I never spoke to him again! That's how I ended up with your father.

---

Cliff: We've decided to move the party up to this room here. Mom's gonna put the music on for you and you can all hang up here and party, but I don't want anybody on these beds in a horizontal position!

---

Clair: [whispers] Rudy, come here, quick! Rudy, do you see that guy over there?

Rudy: Daddy?

Clair: Listen, I want you to go over there and tell him that you heard that I thought he was cute.

Rudy: [goes over to Cliff] Mommy said that she heard that she thinks you're cute.

Cliff: Who?

Rudy: Mommy!

Cliff: Mommy said that she heard that she thinks she's cute?

Rudy: You!

Cliff: You tell her that I think that she is allllllriiiiight! [Cliff stops Rudy] Wait, wait, wait, come back here a minute. But don't tell her that I said it. You tell her that you heard that I might have said it.

[Rudy nods and goes to Clair]

Rudy: Daddy said that he might heard that you are goooooourgest!

Clair: I want you to go back and tell him that you thought you heard that I would like to go out on a date with him Saturday night at 12:05.

Rudy: [to Cliff] Mommy said that she heard that she would like to go on a date with you at three-oh-oh.

Cliff: Tell her that at 0300, the leukocytes will take over all of the minejectnofields and that I will kiss her on the steps of the Theresa hotel.

Rudy: [to Clair] He said a zeuklomax and a zuklomax may bo and she wants, uh he wants to meet you on the steps of the hotel-of-something.

Clair: Now...

Rudy: No no no, come on. [leads Clair over to Cliff]

Cliff: What did she say?

Rudy: No no no!

Cliff: She said no?

Denise Drives [2.07]

Clair: I bet I know what she wants. She wants to borrow your car.

Cliff: No, I think she want's to borrow your car.

Clair: I don't think so.

Cliff: Why?

Clair: Because my car is a Station Wagon. Now when was the last time you saw a teenager driving a Station Wagon?

Cliff: I better hide my car.

---

Theo: It's important for a young, available man to have wheels.

Denise: Why is that?

Theo: Because he who walks, walks alone.

---

Cliff: The reason I came down here was, I've been thinking, and I wanted to know if you wanted to go look for a motorcycle. :Theo: Are you serious?!

Cliff: No.

---

Clair: Denise, deep down, you know you can pretty much do anything you want because you know we're always there to bail you out. You see, we're your safety net. We're so good at it, half the time you don't even know we're doing it. And, your father and I accept that responsibility because we're your parents. And, you'd better not ever forget that, young lady. Because if you EVER take THIS attitude with us again, you can take whatever is in that bank account of yours and go DISCOVER America!

Rudy Suits Up [2.08]

Cliff: [as the family gets ready to watch Rudy in a football game] All right, now everyone's in the car, come on.

Clair: If you don't mind, I think I'd rather stay here.

Cliff: But today, is your daughter's football debut! Today, we're going to watch the Gray Ghost gallop!

Clair: Cliff, I really don't think I can take this.

Cliff: Yeah but you said to me, when our son was going to play, you said 'Cliff, I think it's important that the father be down there to watch the boy.' Now I'm telling you, 'Claire I think it's important for the mother to go down and watch the daughter.' Now come on.

Clair: All right I'm gonna go, but I'm telling you right now. If anybody, ANYBODY at all, tries to hurt my baby, I'm gonna go out there and stop them.

Cliff: This is gonna be a wonderful game, see a mother running out on the field throwing somebody's child up in the stands.

Clair's Sister [2.09]

[Theo comes in with a record]

Theo: Hey, dad.

Cliff: [setting up a chess board] Hey, son. Did you get the record you wanted?

Theo: Yes, and I was lucky. This was the last one in the store.

Cliff: How much did it cost?

Theo: Uhh, $7.88.

Cliff: And how much money did I give you?

Theo:: Ten dollars.

[Cliff looks at Theo with a big grin on his face for a few seconds]

Cliff: So...?

Theo: So?

Cliff: [Cliff holds out his hands in a shaking motion, Theo gives him a high five] NO! No, no no! Where's my change?

Theo: Change?

Cliff: Change!

Theo: Well, I didn't know you wanted it back.

Cliff: Well since when have you know for me to give somebody a three dollar bonus for borrowing seven dollars?

---

Al: Sarah, I'm not sure I want you to get married.

Sarah: Why not?

Al: [hugging Clair] Well I lost one girl, already. I'm not sure I'm ready to lose another.

Cliff: Well you can have that one back if you want.

---

Garvin: What are they laughing at?

Al: Us.

Cliff: They're laughing at what we are, and what you're going to be.

Garvin: What's that?

Cliff: A husband.

Al: I wonder how they'd feel if we all laughed at them.

Cliff: We can't.

Garvin: Why not?

Cliff: Because they're not funny.

Denise's Friend [2.10]

[Clair is playfully strangling Cliff, because he is having trouble recalling the night he proposed to her]

Denise: [enters] Hi dad.

Cliff: [rough voice] Oh, hi.

Clair: I'm just having a talk with your father.

Cliff: No no, see this woman is just trying to strangle me.

Denise: Well what did you do?

Cliff: I made a mistake, and I proposed to this wo- [Claire tightens her grip]

---

Clair: Don't remember ONE thing about that night! I am going to burn this sweater!

Cliff: You don't have to burn anything, I told you, I don't have to remember everything, I remember the important things. Ask me another question.

Clair: What was playing on the car radio when you proposed?

Cliff: When I proposed? On the car radio? Ray Charles, I Can't Stop Loving You, 1962, sold 14 million copies!

Clair: [lovingly] Cliff-

Cliff: Now deal with that!

---

Rudy: Hi Denise!

Denise: Hi.

Rudy: Whatcha doing?

Denise: Waiting to talk to dad.

Rudy: What are you gonna talk about?

Denise: Just things.

Rudy: What things?

Denise: They're private.

Rudy: Tell me.

Denise: No.

Rudy: [demanding] Tell me.

Denise: It's none of your business.

Rudy: I know what you're gonna talk about.

Denise: Well really, what?

Rudy: I'm not telling.

Clair's Toe [2.11]

Cliff: That's it. You're going to the emergency room.

Clair: What if they tell me it's broken?

Cliff: If no one tells you it's broken, and it is broken, how will you know it's broken?

---

Cliff: [Looking at the x-ray] Look, look at this. Right here. See that?

Theo: Oh, wait a minute! That looks like a hair.

Cliff: That's right! This is called a hairline fracture of the promixal phalanx of the fourth toe. Understand that?

Theo: That's cool!

Cliff: All right, it is!

Clair: Will the two of you please take my foot someplace else and leave me alone?

Cliff: Okay. You want to take it to school and show it to your friends?

Vanessa's Bad Grade [2.13]

Clair: Vanessa, what has gotten into you? I have never, ever seen you act like this.

Vanessa: Mom, come on, Denise and I have fought over clothes before.

Cliff: But not to the death!

---

Theo: Robert, do you have any sisters?

Robert: No..

Theo: Well, go home tonight and thank your parents!

The Auction [2.14]

Rudy: Sondra, promise you won't get mad.

Sondra: What did you do?

Rudy: I spilled nail polish.

Sondra: Okay. We'll go clean it up.

Rudy: In your suitcase.

---

[Cliff is bidding on a painting and keeps getting outbid]

Rudy: Hey, you, stop that! That's my daddy's painting!

Auctioneer: All right, we have $1000 and a little girl who loves her daddy.

Theo and Cockroach [2.15]

Cliff: [Yelling at some snowball-throwing kids] This is Dr. Huxtable! I delivered some of you! I'm a parent and a taxpayer! And I am probably the only adult who will sue little children!

The Dentist [2.16]

Dr. Burns: I think if you were to go ahead of Peter and show him there's nothing to be afraid of, he'd do it. Do you understand?

Rudy: Yes.

Dr. Burns: But you won't do it?

Rudy: No.

Dr. Burns: No...you mean I'm in this alone?

---

[Cliff makes a dental appointment with Dr. Burns.]

Dr. Burns: So I'll see you Thursday afternoon 4 o'clock.

Cliff: Dr. Burns, will you show me the teeth?

Dr. Burns: Yes. Cliff: Will you let me ride in the 'tooth shuttle'?

Dr. Burns: Well, you're getting a little old for that, but yes. Oh, and Cliff?

Cliff: Yes?

Dr. Burns: When you leave, take just one toy please?

Cliff: But I let you kiss my wife!

Dr. Burns: Two toys?

Theo's Holiday [2.21]

Theo: Dad, can I have an advance on my allowance?

Cliff: I'm sorry son, you're already backed up to your 50th birthday.

---

Clair: [as Amanda] Welcome to Amanda's Furniture City! Where money talks and nobody walks. If you like it you touch it, if you break it you buy it. If you don't see it we don't have it but we will get it. Now what can I do for you?

...

Clair: You are in luck! Because here at Furniture City, we accept all major credit cards.

Theo: I don't have any of those.

Amanda: You are in luck! Because here at Furniture City, we accept personal checks.

Theo: I don't have any personal checks.

Amanda: Then you are about to leave Furniture City!

Theo: Mom!

Cockroach: That's Amanda!

Theo: Cockroach!

Cockroach: That's Mr. Dansbury to you!

---

Denise: [as Ms. Firestone] Do you have any experience?

Theo: No, but I look good!

---

Cliff: [after Denise and Clair tell Theo what the real world is like] Your mother and your sister are absolutely correct. You see, we´re your family. We love you. We let you borrow money even you´re not qualified to pay it back. If you get out in the real world, it´s going to be different.

Theo: But when I get in the real world, I´m doing just fine, ´cause I´m gonna have a lot of money.

Cliff: I hope you´re not waiting for me to die.

Theo: No, I´m gonna earn it.

Cliff: How?

Theo: I´m going to be a model.

[Vanessa, Rudy and Cliff laugh at Theo]

Rudy: [seriously talks about Theo´s debt to her] I want my quarter now!

An Early Spring [2.22]

Cockroach: Why do I need math? When I get older, I'm gonna inherit my dad's scrap-iron business.

Cliff: You need math because you're gonna have to be able to count the pieces of metal as they come off the line.

Cockroach: We have a foreman who does that.

Cliff: Okay, you need math so you can count the money.

Cockroach: We have an accountant who does that.

Cliff: Then you're gonna be broke!

Cockroach: No way!

Cliff: If the foreman can count and the accountant can count and you can't, you're gonna be broke!

---

Clair: You can't ride to the park unless you are accompanied by an adult.

Rudy: Will you 'upcompany' me?

Season 3

Bring 'em Back Alive [3.01]

[after Rudy is asked if she can identify a snake she saw in the basement from a reptile book]

Vanessa:Okay, here we go. "The Reptile Family." Sort of a who's who of snakes. [chuckles and give the book to Cliff]

Cliff: Okay, here we are. [opens the book to the first page]

Rudy: [immediately points to the page] THAT'S IT! [short pause] That's it!

Cliff: [in disbelief] This is the snake? [Rudy nods] That's an anaconda. It lives in Brazil.

Vanessa: Rudy, it's 25 feet long and weighs 200 pounds!

Rudy: That's what I saw.

Cliff: I don't think this snake lives in the United States.

Rudy: It could come for a visit.

Season 4

Call of the Wild [4.01]

[Elvin and Sondra's diplomas have just fallen off the wall of their run-down apartment]

Cliff: These are your degrees from Princeton.

Elvin: Yes.

Cliff: Fell down.

Elvin: Yes.

Cliff: Rather symbolic, don't you think?

It Ain't Easy Being Green [4.03]

Rudy: Mom?

Clair: Yes honey.

Rudy: This is the dress I'm wearing to kelly's party, okay? Okay Bye!.

Clair: Just a minute, Rudy.

Rudy: Yes mom.

Clair: Come here please.

Rudy: What for?

Clair: Come here. You know just last month. We put that dress in all your summer clothes in a trunk and I told you it's getting too cold for you to wear them.

Rudy: Yesterday it was hot.

Clair: But I know but yesterday was an unusual day today it's 52 degrees.

Rudy: It's probably going to get hot when the party starts.

Clair: I don't think so, Rudy. The weatherman says it's gonna get colder so why don't you take that dress and put it back in the trunk.

Rudy: But this is my favorite dress. Can I wear it to the party please?

Clair: Mmm... I want you to dress warm.

Rudy: I am warm.

Clair: Well you're in the house. But Rudy if you go outside dress like that you gonna catch cold.

Rudy: I don't care, as long as I can wear my dress.

Clair: I'm sorry, the answer's no.

Rudy: But I wanna wear it.

Clair: Well I'm sorry sweetie, you're not wearing it.

Rudy: Yes I am.

Where's Rudy? [4.09]

Cliff: I don't know what it is between your ears and brain that is dislodged. So whenever we tell you "watch your sister", by the time it travels to your brain it turns to "let her go wandering around the mall." And I just pray to the heavens that I could find something to fix it. A screwdriver, or maybe a brick!

---

Clair: [Talking to Vanessa and Theo] Just go wait in the car.

Cliff: No wait under the car.

---

Kim: Are you lost?

Rudy: I was with my brother and sister but I left cause they were stupid.

Dance Mania [4.11]

Vanessa: Shhh!
Theo: Don't tell me to shhh! I can talk when I wanna talk!

Season 5

A Room with No View [5.22]

[Rudy and Vanessa are drinking orange juice]

Rudy: It's easy, for me, because I have better manners than you.

Vanessa: Rudy, its not nice to say that you have better manners than someone.

Rudy: Its true, because if you had any manners at all, maybe you have a boyfriend right now, and you don't because you're a pig.

Vanessa: You're the slop that pigs eat.

Rudy: You are the piggy that make all the other piggies sick.

[Vanessa starts strangling Rudy. Cliff comes in the kitchen]

Cliff: Stop it! What are you doing?

Vanessa: I just wanted to straighten out her shirt.

Season 6

Denise: The Saga Continues [6.01]

Clair: Denise is married and I don't even know her last name.

Cliff: Mrs. Stupid.

I'm IN with the 'IN' Crowd [6.03]

[Vanessa and her friends are playing the alphabet game.]

Girl#1: Starting with Cassie, go!

Girl#2: Atlanta!

Girl#3: Buffalo!

Girl #4: Chicago!

Girl#5: D.C.!

---

Vanessa: Daddy? Oh, Daddy...My stomach hurts. My head...EVERYTHING hurts. Please...give me something, anything...!

Cliff: (gently) Nothing I can give you, kid. There's no cure for this.

---

Theo: I never thought Vanessa would crack under the pressure.

Clair: What pressure?

Theo: The pressure of growing up in this family. Because of what you guys have accomplished, people expect a lot more from us than other kids. Think about it, you're a lawyer, dad's a doctor. That's a lot of pressure mom.

Clair: We never said "become a doctor" "become a lawyer", we said "go to school, get good grades, become whatever you want".

Theo: There you go, pressure! "Go to school" "become something", that's a lot of pressure, mom. All my friends see it.

Clair: Theo, when do you feel this pressure?

Theo: Every now and then.

Clair: This isn't about pressure, Vanessa got drunk because she and her friends were bored. Although they had television, VCR, video cassettes, audio cassettes, books.

Cliff: And each other.

Clair: Thank you.

Cliff: That they call every five minutes when they're away, yet they were bored together.

Clair: So you see, she did not feel any pressure from us, the only pressure she felt was from her friends.

---

Olivia: (about Kara) Her mouth is fast!

---

Shall We Dance? [6.07]

Mrs. McGee: Rudy, finish cleaning the blackboard and go home! Clarence, pick up your books and go home! And I'm going to go home, and sit in a hot tub... and re-evaluate my life!

Thanksgiving at the Huxtables [6.09]

[Cliff walks in with a small bag of groceries after being sent out for a second time in a big rain storm]

Cliff: There's your dumb canned pumpkin, your stupid eggs, and your silly nut.

Claire: Nutmeg, and thank you. [kisses Cliff] Will you take those wet things off before you catch a cold? [begins to unpack the groceries] Cliff, there are no eggs in here!

Cliff: There's eggs in there! I put eggs in there, I bought eggs! [Claire lifts up the bag to show him it is empty] I don't care what that bag says, there's eggs in there!

---

Claire: How am I supposed to make corn bread without eggs?

Cliff: People don't need, uh, corn bread! Let- let 'em eat soda crackers!

Grampy and Nu-Nu Visit the Huxtables [6.10]

Cliff: And here we have the basement. This is the only room in the house where I can enjoy complete privacy because of the offspring repellent.

Not Everybody Loves the Blues [6.17]

Clair: [Singing the blues] What am I to do? Surrounded by all these men. My sailor man is at sea. Now what was his name again?

Off to See the Wretched [6.23]

[After Claire and Cliff decide to wait for Vanessa at her friend's house.]

Cliff: I want you to do me a favor: Measure my heels from where I jump to the tips of my feet where I land. [He jumps across the living room.]

Claire: [Counts and calculates.] One... two... about eight feet.

Cliff: Eight feet? Add another three. Because when I see Vanessa, that's how far from her I will have to be.

Season 7

Last Barbecue [7.03]

Elvin: Why can't we just have simple bodies....like Dad.

Cliff: This is your piece.

Sondra: Elvin, I don't know what you see when you look in the mirror but your body is certainly not complicated.

Elvin: Thank you Sondra, I'll be sure to keep my feelings about your body to myself.

Sondra: What feelings?

Elvin: It is not the time or place.

Sondra: No, what feelings?

Elvin: Your neck.

Sondra: What's wrong with my neck?!

Elvin: It's a shade thin, sometimes I wonder how you swallow.

---

Theo: I know I've been there.

Clair: Where? Where have you been? You have been nowhere. And that is where you're going to stay if you don't quit stirring up trouble.

Period of Adjustment [7.04]

Rudy: This is woman stuff. I really need to talk to mom.

Cliff: I'm a gynecologist and you want to talk to a lawyer.

It's All in the Game [7.05]

Clair: How about getting in the car to got to work and discovering your daughters understanding of 'empty' is 'I'll just park the car over here and mom fill it up'.

Cliff: How about leaving the car radio on so that both of us have a heart attack. Last time you left the thing on so loud your mother's hair went straight up!

---

Theo: Mom, you guys don't give us enough credit for understanding you.

Clair: When have you understood us? And what have you understood? You, who are beyond understanding yourself. I don't understand, how could you possibly understand me?

---

Cliff: [About Theo in little league] We watched the ball hit you in the face, we watched the ball hit you in the back, and a couple of times we watched you say as the ball went past, "Hey, what's the big deal?" And finally the big game. The final score was 75 to 98. Between the two teams there was three hits, 672 errors, 547 walks, three kids were beaned, and we had to wait two hours for one kid to stop crying. The game was busted open by a grand-slam bunt!

---

Denise: How about when you have a date with a guy you really like?

Vanessa: Go ahead, tell him Denise.

Denise: And your father insists on meeting him. So what does he do? He takes the guy into the kitchen...

Cliff: Have a little talk.

Denise: Yeah, have a little talk with your four-foot buck-knife!

Vanessa: You took Jeremy into that kitchen, took two apples put them on top of each other. Said that was us. Took one of the apples, skinned it, and said that was him. I haven't heard from the boy since.

---

Theo: Dad, all those stories we have come to find out are not true.

Cliff: What? Who said? From who?

Denise, Theo, Rudy and Vanessa: Grandpa!

Cliff: You're going to believe a man that age?!

The Infantry Has Landed [7.08]

Rudy:There I was in class when the teacher was talking about puncuation and I start my period.

Clair's Liberation [7.11]

Theo: Ah, your just in time, turkey burgers all around.

Clair: Alright, put one on my plate please? It looks good, I don't know what to put on it.

Cliff: How about some mustard.

Clair: Don't patronize me! I know what I want. I want some of the red stuff.

Theo: Mom, it's ketchup. [Clair gives him a look]

Cliff: Theo...[shakes his head no]

Theo: Right mom, red stuff.

Clair: Go get me a glass of water Rudy!?

Vanessa: Mom, I'm Vanessa.

Clair: Whoever you are, go get me a glass of water! No forget the water just give me ice, lots of ice! Pam get me a warm towel!?

Pam: Coming right up.

Clair: Oh, never mind, get out of my way! Ah this is so much better! [puts her face in the freezer]

Cliff: Would you get me some ice cream while you're in there?

Clair: Have you lost your mind, an ice cream would melt in this room, a person could burn up in this room. Never mind lets just get through this dinner! [slams the freezer door] Now where is Rudy?

Vanessa: Don't you remember, Denise took Rudy out tonight.

Clair: And who is Denise! Oh, that's right, that's the child's sister.

Theo: Mom would you like some peas?

Clair: I was hoping we have carrots. [starts crying]

Theo: We can make carrots mom.

Clair: It's too late, it's too late, I wanted something orange.

Cliff: Why didn't you fix some carrots boy? You kids are not worth a nickel around here.

Vanessa: Mom, its ok, they have tear ducts specialists for this.

Clair: My tear ducts are fine, it's my children who are so stupid!

Clair and Cliff: Gotcha!

Theo and the Kids: Part 1 [7.24]

Boy: I don't care if he does leave the door open I'll do whatever I want.

Raheem: So go close it.

Boy: I'm doin' my homework u go close it!

Season 8

Bring Me the Lip Gloss of Dierdre Arpell [8.15]

Cliff: Mrs. Minifield! I told you to go to the hospital!

Mrs. Minifield: But you were on the way!

Cast

• Bill Cosby - Dr. Heathcliff "Cliff" Huxtable
• Phylicia Rasha-d - Clair Huxtable
• Sabrina Le Beauf - Sondra Tibideaux
• Lisa Bonet - Denise Huxtable Kendall
• Malcolm-Jamal Warner - Theodore "Theo" Huxtable
• Tempestt Bledsoe - Vanessa Huxtable
• Keshia Knight Pulliam - Rudy Huxtable
• Earle Hyman - Russell Huxtable
• Clarice Taylor - Anna Huxtable
• Deon Richmond - Kenny
• Geoffrey Owens - Elvin Tibideaux
• Joseph C. Phillips - Lt. Martin Kendall
• Raven-Symoné - Olivia Kendall
• Erika Alexander - Pam Tucker

External links

• The Cosby Show quotes at the Internet Movie Database
• The Cosby Show at TV.com