The Kids in the Hall
The Kids in the Hall is a Canadian sketch comedy group, consisting of comedians Dave Foley, Kevin McDonald, Bruce McCulloch, Mark McKinney and Scott Thompson that formed in 1984. The troupe starred in a television show produced by Saturday Night Live creator Lorne Michaels that ran on Canadian and American television from 1989-1994, produced and starred in the film Brain Candy in 1996, and reunited for tours in 2000, 2002 and 2008. In 2010, the troupe produced an eight-part miniseries, Death Comes To Town, airing first in Canada and then in the United States.
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 The Kids in the Hall
 The Head Crusher
- Mr. Tyzik: I'm crushing your head. I'm crushing your head!
Victor love Maria
 Season 1
 Episode 1
 Cause of Cancer
- Bruce McCullough: I'm sorry I caused all that throat cancer and all that bowel cancer. I was just on a roll.
- Dave Foley: And?
- Bruce McCullough: And I won't do it again.
 Episode 11
 The Gun Fighter
- Dave Foley: I once shot a man just to watch him die, then I got distracted and missed it. Oh my friends tried to describe it to me, but it just isn't the same.
 Episode 20
 Dr. Seuss Bible
- Jesus (Scott Thompson): Forgive them Father, for they know not what they do, for they walk through this life in toe-crampity shoes. (http://www.kithfan.org/work/transcripts/one/drseuss.html)
 Season 2
 Episode 2
 The Pit of Ultimate Darkness
- Sir Simon Milligan (Kevin McDonald): Now, for those of you with a brave heart and for those of you who have stayed, look into my face and know, to look into my face is to look into the face..of EVIL!
 Episode 3
 Darill's Blind Date
- Darill: (to date) You look alarmed! Is it because you find something alarming?
 Episode 9
 Daddy Drank
- "Daddy" (Dave Foley): All right now, son, I want you to get a good night's rest. And remember, I could murder you while you sleep. It's easy, son, all you have to do is be quiet and willing to do it. And son, I am willing to do it. And, I've got quiet shoes. Good night, son. Sleep well.
 Season 4
 Episode 12
 Tuck It In
- Bruce McCulloch: Now I'm more confused than a horny bisexual at an orgy!
 Losing My Religion
- Dave Foley: Well, fine, if you want to quit, you can, but I can't! You see, I didn't ask to be a prophet. Nope, you see one day I just heard a voice say, "Hey, Ted! Ted! No, over here, Ted!" And I turned and I saw the very bright lights. And I said, "Hi," and God said. "Hi," and I said, "So you're God huh?" and God said, "Yup, how you doin', Ted?" and I said, "Okay, how 'bout you lord?" "Pretty good what's new Ted?" I said, "Oh, nothing much, what's new with you?" And he said, "Well, you know, same old, same old. Well I guess I'd better be running along, you must be busy." And I said, "No, God, I'm not doing anything." And God said, "Well, I better be running anyway." and I said, "Wait, God, is there anything you'd like me to tell the people?" And God said unto me, "Just tell 'em I said, 'Hi.'"
 Season 5
 Episode 11
 Communist Threat
- Dave Foley: So when people say to me let sleeping dogs lie, I say to them, friend, sleeping dogs...they eventually wake up...and chew out the throat of democracy!
 The Kids in the Hall: Brain Candy (1996)
- German Patient: The nipples of Mother Hope have run dry.
- Cisco (Bruce McCullough): Soak it up you ugly sponge.
- Raymond Hurdicure (Dave Foley): Sorry we're late Ma, but you know how the kids hate old people.
- Grivo: I wanna talk about drugs.
Grivo: No. Not heroin.
Grivo: No. Not speed.
Grivo: No, not even hashish.
Audience: (beat) Horse tranquilizers?
Grivo: No. Not horse tranquilizers. I just heard about a drug that makes you happy. I just want to say... (looks at the crowd) ...fuck happy!
- Scientist: It was only a couple of Flipper babies!
- Cab driver: When I was a little boy, my mother used to sing me a song. It went like this: Life is short, life is shit, and soon it will be over.
- Wally: Tell me, doc... why do those... types, think I'm one of them?
Therapist: Because... you are one of them. You are gay. You-you-you are gay, you are a homosexual. The opposite of straight, you're gay. I know it, your family knows it. Dogs know it! Everybody knows it but you!
- Don: You know, those words hurt. But you must realize they come from a man who's gone mad with depression. Unfortunately, it seems to happen to some of our greatest geniuses. People like Oppenheimer, Schweitzer, Boxcar Willie...
- Raymond Hurdicure (Dave Foley): So I hear Dad's dead, hey is that eggnog?
- Chris: Cat on my head!
- Drill sergeant: YOU... ARE... SCUM! Do you hear me soldier?
Wally: Yes, sir!
Drill sergeant: Do you know what we are going to be doing today?
Wally: No, sir!
Drill sergeant: We are going to be doing push-ups all day, you and me, all day! [Wally smiles] Do you think that's funny, soldier?
Wally: No, sir!
Drill sergeant: Well, just for that, you are going to be doing those push-ups with me lying on your back! You are going to discover muscles, you never knew you had! BIG... muscles, HARD... muscles!
Wally: Oh, yesss, sir!