Two and a Half Men

From Wikiquote

Jump to: navigation, search

Two and a Half Men (2003 – present) is a TV series is centered around a hip single bachelor whose lifestyle is interrupted when his newly separated brother and his son move in.

Contents

[edit] Individual Quotes

[edit] Charlie

  • The kid plays, and I have a date. Everybody wins.
  • I'll admit you're kookie, Judith. But compared to our mother you're like a fart in a hurricane.
  • Oh come on, I throw up all the time, it's just nature's way of saying "Everybody out of the pool".
  • A clueless woman is a happy woman.
  • I have a bad feeling.

[edit] Season 1

[edit] Original Pilot [0.0]

[edit] Pilot [1.0]

Charlie: How did you get in my house?
Alan: Okay, Charlie, the key in the fake rock only works if it's among other rocks, not-- not sitting on your welcome mat!
Charlie: Excuse me, but if you put the fake rock in with a bunch of other rocks, it's impossible to find when you're drunk.
Alan: Look, OK, this is just until things settle out. A couple of days max. She will come to her senses.
Charlie: Yeah, that's what women do.
Jake: Why is your head exploding?
Charlie: Well, I drank a little too much wine last night.
Jake: If it makes you feel bad, why do you drink it?
Charlie: Nobody likes a wiseass, Jake.
Jake: You have to put a dollar in the swear jar. You said "ass".
Charlie: Tell you what... here's twenty. That should cover me until lunch.
Alan: Now, what I think you need to do is to make a list. On one side, put what you don't like about our marriage, and on the other side, what you do.
Judith: Alan, sometimes when I think about coming home to you, I start crying in my car.
Alan: Okay, that would probably go on the "don't" side.
[at the supermarket]
Charlie: OK, cereal. We've got: Lucky Charms, Cocoa Puffs, Frosted Flakes, Maple Loops...
Jake: I want Maple Loops. [sings]: It's got oats and corns and wheat, it's the sweetest breakfast treat...
Charlie and Jake: It's maple, maple, maaaaaay-plelicious!
Charlie: You know who wrote that song? Your Uncle Charlie wrote that.
Jake: No lie?
Charlie: Kid, if I was gonna lie, I'd say I wrote "Stairway to Heaven", not the Maple Loops song.
Jake: Gotta take a squirt. [leaves]
Charlie: Why do you assume he learned that from me?
Alan: Because I learned it from you.
[at the supermarket]
Charlie: Trust me, this is a great way to meet women.
Alan: I don't want to meet women. I'm still married.
Charlie: C'mon, your wife's out meeting chicks, why shouldn't you?
Jake [looking at the cereal box]: It's got oats and corns and wheat, it's the sweetest breakfast treat, it's maple, maple, maple-licious.
Woman: Your son is just adorable.
Alan: Oh, thank you.
Woman: You and your... life partner must be so proud.

[edit] Big Flappy Bastards [1.1]

Charlie: Hey, hey, hey, don't put your juice box on the piano. It leaves a ring.
Jake: How could a box leave a ring?
Alan [to Jake]: Oh, oh, remember, you're being punished. So no TV, no computer, no Game Boy. Charlie, I need you to be my eyes and ears.
Charlie: OK, but you have to be my liver and prostate.
Charlie: What did I tell you about leaving juice boxes on my piano?
Jake: How do you know it was me?
Charlie: Oh, come on. Who else around here drinks... "Cransylvania Goofy Juice"?
Jake: Good point.
Charlie: Man, did you let another one of those big flappy bastards in the house?
Jake: You have to put a dollar in the swear jar. You said "bastards".
Charlie: Smart. Poke the bear!
Charlie [on the phone]: I got a flock of seagulls in my house. No, I don't know whatever happened to them!
Alan: What about Jake? You gonna put him on the market or just wall him off?
Charlie: Hey, I've tried with that kid, Alan! He, he-- he says one thing, then he goes and does another!
Alan: He's ten! He's got the attention span of a hummingbird!
Charlie: Well, then, what am I supposed to do when he ignores me?
Alan: You punish him! You-- you take away his computer, his-- his TV, his toys.
Charlie: Well, you already took away all the good stuff. What am I supposed to take away, his bronchial inhaler?

[edit] Go East on Sunset Until You Reach the Gates of Hell [1.2]

Judith: If you must know, I'm here to help Jake set up his room so he feels like nothing's changed.
Charlie: Really? You don't think he'll notice that his dad's living here and his mom's dating chicks?
Judith: Could you say that a little louder? Jake might not have heard you. [Alan walks up behind Judith] And just for the record, I'm not dating anyone and I threw your brother out 'cause he was sucking the life out of me. [she leaves]
Alan: Could you say that a little louder?
Alan: We can't go out tonight. We're getting up early to go to Disneyland.
Charlie: "We?"
Alan: Yeah. I thought maybe you'd want to come with us.
Charlie: Alan, I'm not thrilled about having one small rodent in my house. Why would I drive fifty miles to see their kingdom?
[Charlie wakes up to see Jake's guinea pig, Porky, in his face]
Charlie: Jake, rule number one: Uncle Charlie does not like to start his day with a squealing creature in his face.
Jake: Sorry. Grandma's here. She wants you to come down.
Charlie: OK, you're not listening. Rule number one...
[after their Disneyland trip]
Charlie: "Happiest Place on Earth", my snow-white ass!
Alan: I had a good time!
Charlie: Oh, really? Which part did you like best: the equatorial heat, the endless lines, or the large German woman who threw up on me in the teacup?
Alan: OK, OK, maybe things could have gone smoother, but tomorrow is gonna make up for it.
Charlie: Alan, you could get us all laid tomorrow; it's not gonna make up for it.
Alan: Porky's dead?
Charlie: Th-th-th-that's all, folks.
Charlie: [to Alan] First of all, that little boy loves you. And second of all, just cause your wife decides she doesn't like sleeping with men doesn't mean you failed as a husband, though I wouldn't brag about it.
Cab driver: Your mother sounds like a real piece of work.
Charlie: Ah, you have no idea, my friend. My mother took my baby brother and dipped him in sissy sauce, and turned him into the people-pleasing control freak you see today.
Alan: That's right! And-- and she made him so scared of intimacy that-- that he has just this endless stream of gorgeous girls running in and out of his life.
Charlie: Damn her.
Cab driver: You know, many psychologists agree. Until the core maternal relationship is resolved, most men are doomed to repeat dysfunctional childhood patterns.
Charlie: Just drive the cab, Dr. Phil.

[edit] If I Can't Write My Chocolate Song I'm Going to Take a Nap [1.3]

Jake: Uncle Charlie, why is Berta leaving?
Charlie: Why? It doesn't matter, Jake. What matters is she's gone. And we're all gonna die.
Alan: I even made your coffee.
Charlie: Thank you. [takes a sip] No, uh-uh. Not as good as Berta's.
Alan: But... it's her coffee! I just-- I just pushed the button.
Charlie: Berta's tasted... I don't know, Christmassy.
Alan: Wh-- what does that mean, "Christmassy"? What--
Charlie: It means "like Christmas".
Alan: No, you... you gotta work with me, Charlie. I mean, nutmeg, cinnamon, powdered reindeer...
Charlie: I don't know. It's just that when you drank it, it just felt like Christmas morning and anything was possible.
Charlie: I'm sitting here trying to write a jingle about a chocolate bar, and my piano smells like lemons.
Alan: Gee, I'm sorry, Charlie, but they don't make chocolate Pledge.
Rose: I'm so worried he's not gonna like me.
Charlie: He's gonna love you, Rose. Just go out, have a great time, and don't come on too strong.
Rose: Me, too strong? What does that mean?
Charlie: OK, well, speaking from my own experience, there's nothing wrong with asking a guy for a blood test, but actually trying to take the blood yourself is a little strong.
Rose: I see.
Charlie: Where are you going now?
Rose: You've got me thinking this dress comes on too strong, so I'm gonna put on something a little less [growl] and a little more "Ooh!"
Rose: So you like this dress better?
Charlie: Hang on, Rose. The kid's running around on the deck in his underwear.
Rose: Oh, sure. When I do it, you just ignore me.
[Berta has lower back pain while lifting up a laundry basket]
Alan: You, uh, you do a lot of lifting? [Berta gives him a bad look] Of course you do. You're a maid, and I'm an ass.
Berta: I'm a housekeeper.
Alan: Yes.
Berta: And you're an ass.

[edit] The Last Thing You Want Is to Wind Up With a Hump [1.4]

[edit] Did You Check With the Captain of the Flying Monkeys? [1.5]

Evelyn: I want you two and Jake to come to dinner and meet Tommy.
Both: Well...
Alan: Jake has this thing...
Charlie: Got work.
Alan: Judith will have Jake.
Charlie: Don't really want to.
Evelyn: We are going to have a nice dinner, you are going to be charming, and Tommy's going to remain oblivious to the fact that you defiled his daughter.
Charlie: Hey, she wasn't exactly filed when I met her.
Charlie: OK, she's not here. Let's go.
[Alan turns on the light]
Charlie: OK, she's here. Let's go.

[edit] If They Do Go Either Way, They're Usually Fake [1.6]

Alan: Charlie, there is a half-naked woman in our kitchen!
Charlie: Which half?
Charlie: I thought we agreed we were just friends.
Rose: We are. We're friends who slept together once, and then one friend never called the other friend. But luckily, the other friend forgave him.
[Rose walks towards the kitchen]
Charlie: Where are you going?
Rose: To make my friend a grilled cheese sandwich.
Charlie: Rose, Rose. I don't want a grilled cheese sandwich.
Rose: Would you prefer a quesadilla?
Charlie: That sounds nice.
Alan: Hey, where have you been?
Charlie: I just had lunch with my mother and my stalker. They spent the afternoon eating off each other's plates and discussing my fear of intimacy.
Alan: You do have that, you know. Well, anyway, look, can we talk about this picture Jake drew?
Charlie: What's to talk about? He's a boy. He saw a woman's ass. He liked it. Thank your lucky stars it wasn't the cable guy's ass and move on!
[Jake enters the kitchen]
Jake: Hey, Dad, where's "Can-cun"?
Alan: Cancún?
Jake: No, it's spelled "Can-cun".
Alan: It's in Mexico. Why?
Jake: We should go there for Christmas instead of Aunt Betty's.
Alan: What are you reading?
Jake: Sports Illustrated, but it's mostly ladies in bathing suits.
[Charlie is in bed]
Alan: Wake up, wake up, wake up!
Charlie: What? I was having a great dream!
Alan: Your girlfriend and my wife. Surfing, showering, rubber suits.
Charlie: OK, this might be better.
Jake [describing his trip to SeaWorld]: And I got to see penguins and a manta ray, and I got to pet a shark, and the coolest thing was the whales. They splash everybody. You could see right through this one lady's shirt. And I think maybe she had plants.
Charlie: Implants.
Jake: Yeah, implants. I asked Grandma if she had them, and Grandpa said, "I wish!"

[edit] Twenty-Five Little Pre-pubers Without a Snoot-ful [1.7]

Charlie: So what's the deal with your teacher?
Jake: Miss Tuttle? She's very strict.
Charlie: That could work.
Jake: How come you're not helping Mom and Dad with the show?
Charlie: Well, how can I put this? Your Uncle Charlie is a professional musician, and your mom and dad...
Jake: Suck?
Charlie: Good a word as any.
[Alan finds out that Judith filed for divorce just before rehearsal]
Alan: What am I gonna do?
Charlie: Well, there's a lot of ways to respond to something like this: anger, grief, denial.
Alan: What would you do?
Charlie: I'd probably blow off rehearsal and start chugging from the blender. [Alan glares at him] I wouldn't recommend that for an amateur.
Judith [to the class]: OK, everybody, what we're gonna do is put the girls on one side and the boys on the other.
Alan: Sure, start splitting them up early. That's your answer for everything, isn't it?
Judith: Excuse me?
Alan: Uh, would Mrs. Plaintiff please see Mr. Respondent in the hallway?
Girl: Aren't we gonna do our songs?
Charlie: Hey, I'm just the piano player. Lerner and Loewe are out in the hallway working things out.
Girl: Who?
Charlie: Lerner and Loewe? My Fair Lady? Camelot? [quietly]: Aren't there any gay kids here?
Jake: Before the Industrial Revolution, we lived in an agrarian society. Most people grew their own food and ate what they grew. Breakfast involved...
Girl: Slaughtering animals.
Boy: And milking cows.
Jake: It would be hundreds of years before people could enjoy a pre-packaged and nutritious breakfast. And what's in that breakfast?
Charlie [starts playing the Maple Loops song]: It's... got...
Children [singing]: ...oats and corns and wheat, it's the sweetest breakfast treat, it's maple, maple, maple-licious.

[edit] Phase One, Complete [1.8]

Rose: We're both like two lonely socks that want desperately to keep someone's feet warm, but we don't match up with any other socks so all we can hope for is to be a dust mitten or a hand puppet.
Charlie: Look Jake, I'm sorry about the Wendy thing, but there's nothing I can do about it. And I want us to be buddies again. I don't want you to hate me anymore.
Jake: I don't hate you.
Charlie: Good.
Jake: I'm just very disappointed in you.
Charlie: Hey, I get enough of that crap from my mother.
Charlie: It's not that I don't care what you want. It's just that... you're a kid. What you want doesn't matter. [Jake folds his arms in disgust] Wow. I do suck.
Charlie [while shopping for liquor at the supermarket]: Let's see: one Russian blonde... one Scottish brunette... and a full-bodied redhead from Napa Valley. Charlie's Angels.

[edit] Merry Thanksgiving [1.9]

Charlie: I have a kid now.
Lisa: Oh, God, Charlie, what poor girl did you knock up?
Charlie: No, no, it's my nephew. He and my brother are living with me now. I'm like, Mr. Family Guy.
Lisa: Yeah, right, family guy. How's it going with your mom?
Charlie: What the hell does my mom have to do with family?
Charlie: What's so tough to understand? We're gonna have a big family dinner right here.
Alan: Uh-huh. And whose big family were you planning on inviting?
Charlie: You know: you, me, Jake, Mom, turkey, just like the good old days.
Alan: What good old days?
Charlie: See, isn't this great? This is why we all come together! We break up, we make up, but in the end, the love is the love and the family is the family.
Alan: Ease up on the wine, Charlie.
Charlie: No, I'm serious. Move back in.
Lisa: Really? And then what?
Charlie: And then... we'll see.
Lisa: Wow, a commitment to "see"! And what finger does that ring go on, Charlie?
Alan: Uh, l-- look, I-- I appreciate your-- your feelings for me, but I have to tell you, I-- I really think your-- your daughter deserves a lot of respect. I mean it-- it takes real courage to make changes in your life and not worry about what everybody thinks.
Judith: Thank you, Alan.
Evelyn: That's true. The lesbians of my generation were too scared to come out of the closet.
Lenore [Judith's mom]: Does that mean what I think it means?
Alan: You haven't told them?
Judith: No. I thought it would be more appropriate coming from your mother.
Alan: OK, uh, well, I'm thankful that I can spend the holiday with, uh, all the people I love and... all the people who love me. And Judith.

[edit] Alan Harper, Frontier Chiropractor [1.10]

Alan: Well you know what, it doesn't matter if I look cool, we judge a person by what's inside, not by what they wear.
Jake: Lucky for you, huh.

[edit] Camel Filters + Pheromones [1.11]

Charlie: Berta?
Berta: No, it's Liz Hurley, but I'm holding water.
Charlie: I'm still sleeping here. Could you come back in a little while?
Berta: I could, or you could get your pampered ass out of bed and let me do my demeaning job and get on with my hellish life.
Jake: Berta, does Prudence [Berta's sixteen-year-old granddaughter] have a boyfriend?
Berta: Oh, honey, don't get me started.
Jake: What does that mean?
Berta: It means if she gets a high school diploma before she gets a baby, she'll be the first one in the family.
Prudence: Can you put some of this [suntan lotion] on my back?
Alan: [quickly] No.
Prudence: If you don't, I'll burn.
Alan: If I do, I will!
Jake: Thanks for helping me with my book report, Prudence.
Prudence: Oh, no problem. Fourth-grade stuff is easy for me.
Berta: Should be. You did it twice.
Charlie [to Prudence]: I mean you're very nice and pretty, but in prison, so am I.

[edit] Sara Like Puny Alan [1.12]

Alan: All right, even if I weren't deathly ill, which I am, I wouldn't go out on a blind double date with you!
Charlie: Why not?
Alan: Summer of my junior year? The Seals and Crofts concert? You got the incredible cheerleader, and I got her sister, The Incredible Hulk?!
Jake: Hey, Dad, wanna hear a funny joke?
Alan: Sure, why not.
Jake: OK, there's a priest, a minister, and a rabbit.
Charlie: That's a "rabbi", Jake.
Jake: Oh, yeah. OK, a priest, a minister, and a rabbi. I forgot the rest. I gotta go to the bathroom.
Charlie: Wait, you know why they call this a European health spa? 'Cause you're a-peein'.
Alan: You're not a musician, you're a salesman, and do you know what you sell? Crap! Granny's Big Fudge Nuggets? Maple Loops?
Charlie: Hey, hey, Maple Loops is part of a nutritious, balanced breakfast.
Alan: Yeah, if you eat it with a steak and some broccoli!

[edit] I Can't Afford Hyenas [1.13]

Alan: How much did you tip him [the pizza delivery man]?
Charlie: I don't know. I gave him a fifty.
Alan: That's... that's like a 300 percent tip!
Charlie: If you say so. I was never good at math.
Alan: Oh, yeah, but you can figure out the point spread, the over-under, and the vigorish on every football game in the country.
Charlie: What can I tell you? I've got a beautiful mind.
Alan: Wonderful building.
Charlie: What's wrong with it?
Alan: Well, the phrase "reeks of urine" comes to mind.
Alan: You have satellite and cable?
Charlie: Sometimes there's solar flares.
Alan: OK, you can cut back to basic cable.
Charlie: Basic cable? That's what they get in prison!
[at the supermarket]
Charlie: I can't do this anymore, Alan. I quit.
Alan: You can't quit poverty, Charlie.
Charlie: I want the good stuff! I want cheese that isn't air-dropped into Third World countries! I want ouchless toilet paper! I want vodka that doesn't look like Fred Flintstone would drink it! I want my life back.
Alan: Fine. Then swallow your pride, call Mom, and ask her to lend you some money.
Charlie [opening the bottle of generic vodka]: Yabba-dabba-doo.

[edit] Round One to the Hot Crazy Chick (Part 1) [1.14]

[Alan and Charlie find Frankie beating up her psychiatrist's car with a baseball bat]
Charlie: You got a nice swing.
Frankie: Thanks!
Charlie: Try stepping into it. You'll get more power that way.
Frankie: You mean like this? [she knocks one of the side mirrors off]
Charlie: Oh, yeah! Dial one and the area code, 'cause that is long-distance!
Charlie: So you're beating up your shrink's car.
Frankie: He said I have anger issues. [breaks a window]
Charlie: The quack.
Frankie: Then he hit on me.
Charlie: The horny quack!
Frankie [to Alan]: Man, deep tissue massage, pancakes... If you had a TV on your forehead and could breathe through your ears, you'd be perfect!

[edit] That Was Saliva, Alan (Part 2) [1.15]

Alan: I'm sorry, there's just been a lot of stuff going on.
Judith: Yeah, I just met your brother's latest "stuff".
Alan: Why do you assume it's his stuff?
Judith: What, is it yours?
Alan: No, but it's not his either!
Charlie: But it could be.
Alan: Says who?
Charlie: Says your ex-wife!
[Joanie just met Jake, who was indifferent toward her]
Charlie: If he can just keep that attitude for another thirty years, he's gold.
Alan: You don't really like girls yet, huh?
Jake: No, I like girls! I'm just not into eight-year-olds.
[Frankie and Alan kiss, and Alan starts crying]
Frankie: What's the matter?
Alan: I don't know! It's been so long since anybody's touched me!

[edit] Ate The Hamburgers, Wearing The Hats [1.16]

Alan: OK, well, while we're on the subject of lawyers and death, my lawyer recommended that I redraft my will. And you know what? If I die after you die, guess who gets custody of Jake? Charlie.
Judith: Charlie?!
Charlie: Me?!
Judith: What about my sister?
Alan: I never liked your sister.
Charlie: Is this the sister I slept with?
Alan and Judith: Shut up, Charlie.
[later]
Charlie: Hey, man, thanks.
Alan: For what?
Charlie: For trusting me, you know, to take care of Jake when you croak.
Alan: Oh, oh, I'm sorry, y-- you didn't think I was serious, did you? Oh, I-- I just said that to piss her off.
Charlie: Who gets him [Jake] in that [worst-case] scenario thing?
Alan: Cousin Jerry and his wife Fay.
Charlie: Jerry and Fay? Why Jerry and Fay?
Alan: Well, they-- they've a good marriage, three kids, lots of dogs, a big backyard, and they live in a great school district.
Charlie: Yeah, but I'm your brother!
Alan: Charlie, it's--
Charlie: And I live right here! You wouldn't have to ship him off to... Cornhole, Kansas!
Alan: Coventry, Rhode Island.
Charlie: Who am I thinking of that lives in Kansas?
Alan: I don't know, Dorothy and Toto?
[Charlie takes Jake to the hospital]
Nurse: He's gonna be fine.
Charlie: That's it? "Bup, bup, bup, he's gonna be fine?" That's not a medical test -- that's how you hypnotize a chicken!
[Charlie is at the hospital filling out Jake's paperwork]
Charlie: Allergies?
Jake: I don't know.
Charlie: Is there anything you eat that-- that makes you sick?
Jake: I ate a worm once.
Charlie: No allergies. Have you had any of the following: Measles?
Jake: I don't know.
Charlie: Mumps?
Jake: I don't know.
Charlie: Chickenpox?
Jake: Is that the one with the spots?
Charlie: Yeah.
Jake: I don't know.
Charlie: All right, we're just gonna vote the straight "no" ticket. "Family history?" Well, your grandmother's always been a pain in the ass.
Jake: How many stitches am I gonna get?
Doctor: Oh, I don't know, three or four.
Jake: That's all? Scott Pressman got nine when his sister hit him with an Etch A Sketch.
Charlie [talking to Judith on Alan's cell phone, which Jake brought with him]: What am I doing with Alan's phone? Why, do you want custody of that, too? [pause] Oh, come on, that's funny! [pause] I don't know, maybe Alan and I accidentally switched phones. Why don't you try calling him on mine? 310-LICK-ME. [pause] Hey, I didn't pick it, but that's what it spells!
Alan: Uh, if Mom's ever in a coma, you're the one who has to decide to pull the plug.
Charlie: Pull.

[edit] An Old Flame With a New Wick [1.17]

Charlie: If I had a nickel for every time a girl dumped me, disappeared for five years, and came back as a guy, I'd have a nickel!
Evelyn: Shall we go to my place for coffee and cigars?
Bill: I don't smoke.
Evelyn: You will when I'm done with you. [they leave]
Alan: Oh, my God! He's, like, half her age.
Charlie: Yeah. That's the problem.
Alan: Why are we looking at Jill?
Charlie: Just look at it!
Alan: All right, she's cute. Very tall, broad shoulders-- HOLY MOTHER OF GOD!
Charlie: Welcome to The Matrix.
Charlie: I slept with a woman who wanted to be a man. Or, I slept with a man in a woman's body. Or, and this is my new favorite and the title of my autobiography, my mom and I slept with the same dude!
Charlie: I want you to tell me there is no chance that either of us will ever have to call a woman I slept with "Daddy"!
Berta: One brother turns 'em gay, the other turns 'em guy.

[edit] I Remember the Coatroom, I Just Don't Remember You [1.18]

Evelyn: You're looking very well, slimming down nicely.
Judith: Thanks. I recently dropped 160 pounds.
Alan: 152. [to Liz]: I take Pilates.
Judith: Don't you think you've had enough to drink at the magic show, Evelyn?
Evelyn: Excuse me, darling, but some of us deal with our boredom and depression the old-fashioned, non-prescription way.
[Judith and Liz are arguing over Alan during Jake's birthday party]
Jake: Why are they fighting?
Alan: Oh, they're not fighting, they're discussing.
Jake: I'm a child of divorce, Dad. I know the difference.
Judith [to Liz]: Ever since we were kids, any time I loved something, you had to take it away from me. But you will not take away my ex-husband!
Alan: You love me?
Judith: What? No, I'm trying to make a point here!
Judith: OK, fine. You always wanted Liz, go ahead. Here's your chance. Give her your little "adjustment". And maybe while I'm having a good time with your sister, I'll have a good time with your brother. [puts her right arm around Charlie]
Charlie: Beg pardon?
Judith: Oh, don't be coy with me, Charlie. You know we've always had sexual tension between us!
Charlie: Really? I... thought it was just regular tension.
Judith: Come on, I've seen you looking at my chest.
Alan: You looked at my wife's chest?
Charlie: Hey, I'm a guy!

[edit] Hey, I Can Pee Outside in the Dark [1.19]

[Jake is playing "Smoke on the Water" on the guitar in his bedroom]
Judith: All he does is sit in his room and play that damn thing! He's isolating, Alan!
Alan: That doesn't mean he needs to see a therapist! He-- he's just a normal eleven-year-old kid who happens to be a little grumpy!
Judith: And I'm a normal thirty-five-year-old mother who happens to be running out of patience. And by "patience", I mean Prozac!
Jake: OK, you want to know what's bothering me?
Alan: Yeah, yeah!
Jake: People keep on asking me what's bothering me!
Evelyn: Granted, I have no idea what's it like to be an eleven-year-old boy, but I do know one thing, sweetheart. You have no idea what real unhappiness is. Real unhappiness is being totally ignored by the very people you gave birth to! Real unhappiness is when you're recovering from liposuction and your only grandson doesn't even send you a get-well card. And FYI, I only had that surgery so you wouldn't have a grandmommy with matronly upper arms.
Alan: Well, if he didn't need a shrink before, he needs one now.
[Jake is upbeat after several days of being sullen]
Alan: What happened to him?
Charlie: If I didn't know better, I'd swear he got laid last night.
Berta: I hope you don't mind, but I talked to him before he went to sleep last night.
Alan: What did you say?
Berta: I said, uh, "Drink this bottle of prune juice." You feed him nothing but pizza and pancakes! It's a wonder his eyeballs are still in their sockets.

[edit] No Sniffing, No Wowing [1.20]

Charlie: Hey, if you listened to me in the first place, you wouldn't be in this mess. I'm the one who told you not to marry her.
Alan: You're also the one who told me that if I jumped off the garage roof with a bath towel tied around my neck, I could fly to school.
Charlie: The one time you listen to me.
Alan: Let me tell you another thing: if I hadn't married Judith, there would be no Jake.
Charlie: I didn't say you couldn't knock her up!
Laura: My point is, if Mrs. Harper decides to make an issue out of your lifestyle, you need to be prepared.
Charlie: What's wrong with my lifestyle?
Alan: Oh, no. We're not going down that road at $300 an hour.
Charlie: You know, it suddenly occurs to me. I'm usually the one sneaking out when the man gets home.
Alan: I love that [massage] chair. That was the only thing in my bedroom that moved when I touched it.
Charlie: Hey, that was quick.
Alan: Yeah. Like every other time Judith screwed me.
Charlie: What happened?
Alan: What happened? I'll tell you what happened. My settlement conference turned into a drive-by colonoscopy.

[edit] My Doctor has a Cow Puppet [1.21]

Charlie: If crazy ever becomes an Olympic event, I get the first two legs of the relay.
Jake: Were you talking to Mom?
Alan: Yes, but I-- I hung up before I said the bad stuff.
Jake: Yeah, she does the same thing to you.
Alan: Um... remember, we have Jake's "session" first.
Charlie: Oh, man, I thought you didn't want him to go back to that quack.
Alan: I didn't, but Judith and I... talked, and we decided that what I want makes no difference whatsoever.
Charlie: Man, you are so whipped!
Alan: I am not whipped! I just-- I'm just trying to keep everybody happy.
Charlie: Meow-fitchoo!
Alan: I am not "meow-fitchooed".
Charlie: You're right. It's been a long time since you got any "meow".
Jake: Are we getting a cat?
Jake: My doctor has a cow puppet.
Evelyn: Really? MD or PhD?
Jake: C-O-W.
Charlie: Hey, Mom, can I talk to you for a minute?
Evelyn: Oh, be right there. [to Jake]: Now, honey, the cow puppet doesn't need to know about the time you saw Grandmommy dancing with the Cuban gentleman in the Neiman Marcus changing room.

[edit] Just Like Buffalo [1.22]

Kathleen: You have a girlfriend yet?
Jake: No, I'm a bachelor like my Uncle Charlie.
Linda: So you're never gonna get married?
Jake: No, as long as I got someone to clean my house and some action on a regular basis, I don't need a wife.
Mandy: Excuse me?
Jake: I don't want to give anybody half my stuff.
Alan: Your sexist, manipulative attitude toward women just got into Jake's head, and he spewed it out in front of his mother's angry women's support group!
Charlie: Wait a minute, wait a minute. Is it a women's support group that's angry, or a support group just for angry women?
Alan: What difference does it make?
Charlie: Well, if they were already angry, then I'm less culpable.
Charlie: Man, Jake's gonna love this video game. Listen to this: "Sixteen levels of ultra-realistic murder and mayhem, 24 flesh-ripping weapons, plus gratuitous nudity!"
Alan: Let me see that. [looks at the box] "Scooter's Magic Tree Fort"?
Charlie: Scooter's a zombie.
Alan: Um, I'm gonna go get Jake, but I'll leave the front door unlocked in case Satan shows up to collect your soul.
[A little later]
Charlie: Women are suckers for a good apology. Just keep shoveling it on till roses start growing in it.
Alan: Poor Satan. He'll come for your soul and he'll leave empty-handed.
Charlie: I'm sorry, man. I told you to blame it all on me.
Alan: Charlie, they had moved way past blame. It was more like a jihad. Except with no cookies.
Charlie: I've clearly made mistakes, but that's because I'm human. And after all, what are we trying to do with our children other than to... raise them... as humans?

[edit] Can You Feel My Finger? [1.23]

Alan: Why don't you just get snipped?
Charlie: You mean a vasectomy?
Alan: Yeah.
Charlie: Well, then, say "vasectomy". Don't say "snipped"!
Alan: What's wrong with "snipped"?
Charlie: It's demeaning. "Snipped" is what you get for twelve bucks at Supercuts.
Alan: Fine. Why don't you get a vasectomy?
Charlie: I've considered it. In fact, a couple of years ago, I believe there was a petition circulating.
[Berta hears makeout music coming from Charlie's room]
Berta: Charlie, you got somebody in there?
Charlie: Uh, no.
Berta: I need to get your towels.
Charlie: Uh, I really wish you wouldn't.
Berta: Come on, I'm doing laundry. I want to finish a load before I go.
Charlie: Yeah, well, me too.
Berta: What?
Charlie: Never mind. Just go away!
Berta: All right. If it helps, you can think of me.
Alan: So, what's in the bag?
Charlie: Sperm.
Alan: No, really.
Charlie: Sperm.
Alan: Who's sperm?
Charlie: Seabiscuit's. Who do you think? Mine!
Charlie: I'm not a particularly religious guy, but clearly, a power much greater than myself wants me to knock somebody up someday.
Rose: You called?

[edit] Season 2

[edit] Back Off Mary Poppins [2.1]

Charlie: I'm just having some friends over to... smoke cigars, sample some fine single-malt Scotch, and, you know, talk.
Alan: I enjoy all those things. But Scotch makes me a little gassy, but I'll take a Beano and I'm good to go.
Alan: Wait a minute, you don't consider me a friend?
Charlie: It's not up to me. A friend is someone you choose, a brother is someone you get...
Alan: Excuse me?
Charlie: There's no choice involved! Your dad just wakes you up in the middle of the night and says, "Your mom wasn't really fat and this isn't your room anymore."
Alan: "Hurry up and get out." Sounds like sex with my ex-wife.
Alan: So... in addition to my house, half my money, and my self-esteem, Judith got custody of all my friends.
Sean Penn: Charlie, when are you gonna stop resenting your brother just for being born?
Charlie: I don't resent him for being born, but he abused the privilege!
Alan: Wow. Wow, uh, Elvis, that was, uh... that was beautiful. But you know, uh, in all honesty, um, I really, really loved your uh, earlier, you know, angrier stuff. You know, uh, "Pump It Up"! Now, now that was a song. [chuckling]
Sean Penn: I knew that.
Alan: Oh, and, uh, and while we're on the subject, Sean, um, why don't you do funny stuff like you used to? I mean, Fast Times ruled, man! [chuckling] C'mon, uh, do-- do a little Spicoli for us!
[cut to Alan duct-taped to a lamp post on Wilshire Boulevard]
Alan: Guys? This isn't funny. Uh-oh, clammy hands, nausea... Guys? Guys? GUYS?!

[edit] Enjoy Those Garlic Balls [2.2]

Charlie: Hmmm, tequila? Checkbook? Sourpuss? Must be alimony time.
Alan: Go away, Charlie.
Charlie: Boy, you'd think for all that money, she'd at least come over and give you a lap dance.
Alan: Leave me alone, Charlie!
Charlie: In fact, you know what would be really funny? Where it says "memo", write "lap dance". Giver her something to explain at tax time.
Alan: Our pediatrician. My ex-wife is sleeping with our... pediatrician. [breaks the head off the giraffe]
Charlie: I wonder if she gets a lollipop after every visit.
Alan: Hey, hey, here's a funny thing! Uh, my name's Al, and I, uh, I give Judith money, [chuckles] so it's, uh, so it's, uh, "Al-i-mony".
Herb: Wouldn't it be "Al-i-money"?
Alan: I was afraid you'd pick up on that.
Charlie: I'm not saying I hate you, but if I did, it might have something to do with the fact that you're a narcissistic bloodsucker who drove my father into an early grave, after which you married a succession of men who couldn't care less about Alan and me, which was just fine with you 'cause you... looked at us like a couple of dancing monkeys you could just haul out whenever it suited you! And when it didn't, you sent us off to boarding school or camp or that kibbutz in Israel, where we got beat up 'cause we weren't even Jewish! And now... now you show up here every chance you get to lay a guilt trip on me for not appreciating my cold, lonely, loveless childhood!
Evelyn: Well... obviously you're not ready to talk about it.

[edit] A Bag Full of Jawea [2.3]

Charlie: Well, I want it on the record that if the kid was running a blackjack game under the bleachers, he didn't necessarily get the idea from me.
Miss Pasternak: Jake, I'm only your teacher from 8:15 to 3:00. After that, I'm just a person like anyone else.
Jake: Oh, this is more wrong than the time I saw Santa peeing at the mall.
Miss Pasternak: Do you think he'll [Jake] be OK?
Charlie: Sure, he's just not used to seeing his teacher out of the classroom... and her pants.
Alan: I think you know what you have to do.
Charlie: Um... break up with Miss Pasternak, right?
Alan: Hell, no, he's [Jake] getting A's. He hasn't gotten an A since nap time in kindergarten.
Charlie: But he's not learning anything!
Alan: Charlie, get your priorities straight; I'm trying to get him into a decent middle school! After he's accepted, he can learn that Sacajawea wasn't... [reading Jake's test answer]: "a bag full of Jawea".
Charlie: OK, I gotta tell you, my weirdness bar for chicks is pretty high... but you are clearing it in street shoes.

[edit] Go Get Mommy's Bra [2.4]

Charlie: Man, I guess you can afford a lot of cool stuff when you don't have to sell your blood and sperm to make alimony payments.
Evelyn: Charlie, I need to borrow your Mercedes.
Charlie: Well, since you're in a hurry, I'll give you a quick answer: no.
Evelyn: Charlie, please, I'm showing a house in half an hour.
Charlie: What's wrong with that little electric car you bought?
Evelyn: Oh, nothing! Well, it's fine, it's hip, it's what anyone who cares about this planet is driving. But if you're trying to sell real estate to a Saudi oil prince, you can't be driving up in some little toy car with a plug in the bumper.
Alan: Um, you could use my car, Mom.
Evelyn: You see? Now that is how a loving son treats his mother. [to Alan]: Thank you, sweetheart, but I need to look successful.
Alan: So this is pretty cool, huh, Jake? An electric car.
Jake: I guess. What happens when the batteries run out?
Alan: You plug it in and recharge it.
Jake: Yeah, but what if there's a blackout?
Charlie: Then you sit in the back seat with a loaded pistol and wait for the looters just like any other car.
Alan: Charlie...
Charlie: It's a cool car, Jake.
Jake: Greg has a really cool car. He has a Hummer.
Charlie: You know, your Uncle Charlie's no stranger to Hummers.
[Charlie shows Alan a bra that he found in the back seat of his Mercedes]
Alan: Holy mother of God!
Charlie: No, no, unholy mother of us!
Evelyn: I left a $300 bra in the back seat of your Mercedes, and I want it back.
Charlie: Oh, my. How in heaven's name did that happen, Mother?
Evelyn: Well, if you must know--
Alan: I don't need to know.
Evelyn: Oh, Alan, grow up. [to Charlie]: I sold a $12 million house and I wanted to celebrate.
Charlie: With the Saudi prince?
Evelyn: Don't be ridiculous. He's got nine wives and they're all, like, eleven years old. No, I-- I was with the seller's realtor. Splitting that juicy commission made us both so hot, we barely made it off the front lawn. Now go get Mommy's bra.
Jake: I'm gonna live here with you and Dad from now on.
Charlie: Wanna bet?
Jake: Why not?
Charlie: Two reasons: your mother loves you and life is cruel. Wait, that may just be one reason.

[edit] Bad News from the Clinic [2.5]

Charlie: A woman's much more relaxed and comfortable in her own surroundings. Plus, the minute she falls asleep, I can hit the bricks.
Alan: That's lovely. It's a shame you don't work for Hallmark.
Charlie: Yeah, I'll bet those guys get laid like crazy.
[on Charlie's date Sherri]
Rose: Oh, Charlie, you don't need a girl like that. You could do so much better.
Charlie: You're right, I can. She doesn't call when she says she will, she won't let me sleep over, she's obviously seeing other guys, so why can't I get her out of my head?
Rose: That's not where I was going, but let's review. She's gorgeous, but she's also self-centered, she's promiscuous, she's commitment-phobic...
Charlie: Oh, my God!
Rose: What?
Charlie: I'm dating myself. No wonder the sex is so good.
Alan: Now, what year did Magellan circumnavigate the globe?
Jake: It's not gonna be on the test.
Alan: Maybe not, but it wouldn't hurt for you to know it anyway.
Jake: Why would I want to know something I don't have to?
Alan: Because maybe you'll need to know it in the future.
Jake: Well, then that's when I'll learn it!
Alan: Why can't you just learn it now?
Jake: 'Cause there's only so much space in my brain that if you put Magellan in there, I might forget my locker combination.
Berta: Alan? I got a riddle for you: What's short, sticky, picky, and only supposed to be here on weekends? I'll give you a hint: It's your kid.

[edit] The Price of Healthy Gums Is Eternal Vigilance [2.6]

Charlie: I have to tell you something.
Alan: OK.
Charlie: Come on out in the bedroom.
Alan: All right. [leaves the bathroom; Charlie locks the door] What are you doing?
Charlie: You'll understand in a minute.
Alan: Uh, uh, I thought you had to tell me something.
Charlie: I do. There is no "Bad Alan". I'm the one who stole the Silly Putty and put it in your pocket when you weren't looking. Three, four, five, six, seven...
Alan [frantically knocking on the door]: DAMN YOU TO HELL! COME OUT HERE AND DIE LIKE A MAN!
Charlie: What do you know? There is a "Bad Alan".
Jake: Hey, Dad, when you got arrested for shoplifting, did they take you to jail?
Alan: I did not get arrested, and there was no jail.
Jake: So I guess you never had to shank a guy to get your props in the yard.
Alan: You cracked the parental code on the cable box again, didn't you?
Jake: It's "1234". A monkey could crack that.
Alan: I-- I feel betrayed and-- and hurt in ways that... I can't even express! And-- and you think we can just dance past that?
Charlie: I was hoping.
Alan: Well, I am sorry, but it is not that easy. Thanks to you, my-- my life has been twisted beyond recognition! I mean, look at me, Charlie! I'm a-- I'm a broke, hopelessly neurotic, middle-aged man who doesn't even know who he is or where he belongs! I have nothing, Charlie. No-- no wife, no home, nothing.
Charlie: OK. So should I check back with you after lunch?
Charlie: OK, then. I didn't need a reason to drink tonight, but it's nice to know I've got one.
Charlie: Remember how you were a bed wetter until you were eight?
Alan: Yeah?
Charlie: You actually stopped at six.
Alan: What, what? What did you do? Did you sneak into my room and-- and, and, and, and-- pour warm water on me while I was asleep?
Charlie: Yeah, OK. Let's... say it was water, and let's say I poured it.

[edit] A Kosher Slaughterhouse Out in Fontana [2.7]

Alan: I-- I wish there were a better way to deal with Mom.
Charlie: There is, but we're both too pretty for jail.
Charlie [slapping Alan with the plans for Evelyn's party]: Are? You? Happy? Now we have to throw a party for your crazy-ass mother!
Alan: Well, she's your mother, too!
Charlie: How do you know? I could have been adopted.
Alan: You wish!
Charlie: I do!
Daisy: Anyway, I'm sleeping at a motel tonight.
Berta: Good idea. Maybe you'll meet your next husband on the walk there.
Berta: That's it, I can't work like this!
Alan: Well, you have to, Berta! We got fifty people coming here in a couple of hours.
Berta: Don't tell me, tell her.
Alan: Fine.
Berta [to Charlie]: Watch this.
[Alan tries to talk to Daisy, who is meditating outside on the deck]
Daisy: HEY, I'M MEDITATING HERE!
Charlie: Berta, Berta, you can't quit being related to somebody. Believe me, I've tried.
Alan [to Evelyn]: If you want to sit here and stew in the venom and bile that is the soup of your being, then fine. I hope you drown in it! [to Jake]: Don't you ever talk to your mother this way!

[edit] Frankenstein and the Horny Villagers [2.8]

Berta: Well, gadzooks. Zippy's getting his freak on.
Charlie: Yeah, it seems we're living in an age of miracles.
Berta: I guess if they can put a man on the moon, they can put a woman on your brother.
Alan: OK, uh, just make sure Jake goes to bed early. He's got karate in the morning.
Charlie: Which, of course, you'll be back for.
Alan: Charlie, trust me.
Charlie: You, I trust. It's him [points toward Alan's penis] I'm worried about.
Evelyn: Listen, if I had gotten married after every weekend of hot, sweaty debauchery with a virtual stranger, you'd have, well, many more stepfathers than you already have.
Charlie: She knows what she's talking about, Alan. Mom's been on more hotel pillows than a chocolate mint.

[edit] Yes, Monsignor [2.9]

Charlie: So, what are you doing for dinner?
Lisa: You're shameless.
Charlie: Thank you.
Lisa: It's not a compliment.
Charlie: Whatever. What are you doing for dinner?
Lisa: Charlie, a lot has changed.
Charlie: I know. I'm older and wiser, and you're hot and on the rebound!
Alan: I'm sorry, are we done with what's bothering me?
Charlie: I am.
Alan: It's like talking to a horny chimp.
Alan: Is there anything in your shower I need to know about?
Charlie: Come on. That's the most action you've had in months!
Alan: I have a loose tooth.
Charlie: Can't you just be happy for me? The woman I love is back in my life!
Alan: That's great. I'm thrilled. I can't eat apples.
Charlie: I'll bring you back some applesauce from Lisa's. Her kid needs to lay off the fiber, anyway.
Charlie [through the baby monitor]: OK, let's take this thing [diaper] off. Oh, sweet Lord! Did you have Thai food for dinner or what? Man, Babe Ruth took smaller dumps!
Alan: Hey, what's that, uh, splattered all over your shirt?
Charlie: Coffee and breast milk.
Alan: What happened, did Starbucks merge with Hooters? "Hooterbucks." I'd like a double D-cup latte, please.

[edit] The Salmon Under My Sweater [2.10]

[after Charlie plays the first version of his Oshikuru jingle]
Jake: Your thing doesn't capture the mood at all, it just... blows!
Charlie: OK, OK, you said "blows" already.
Jake: Did I say "big baby chunks"?
Alan: Oh, are you, uh, starting that book report already?
Jake: Just making notes.
Alan: Good for you! What do you have so far?
Jake: Lord of the Flies is kind of like Survivor, but with kids.
Alan: Huh! That's, uh... that's an interesting analogy! Uh, what's your favorite part?
Jake: Um... when the first kid gets voted off the island?
Alan: Ferrets?
Rose: Yeah, I have five of the toothy, little guys.
Alan: No-- no kidding. Five ferrets? Those are like, uh, long, furry rats, right?
Rose: Yup, and they're all named Charlie.
Charlie: D-minus? Didn't you read the Cliff Notes?
Jake: That was fifty pages!
Charlie: Unbelievable. Your kid's too lazy to cheat.
Alan: Has it occured to you that maybe he's too honest to cheat?
Jake: No, I'm lazy.
[after the debut of the Oshikuru cartoon]
Jake: That's not what we wrote! That's your original sucky version!
Charlie: What can I tell you? The network liked that one better.
Jake: What are they, brain damaged?
Charlie: Welcome to show business, kid.

[edit] Last Chance to See Those Tattoos [2.11]

Charlie: Please tell me the Jack and Ginger isn't for you.
Gail: No, it's for my girlfriend. Why?
Charlie: Well, you look like a woman of discriminating taste, and mixing a quality bourbon with ginger ale is like putting Cheez Whiz on Lobster Newberg.
Alan: Are you still reading that thing?
Charlie: How can I not? It's an entire website devoted to trashing me! Listen to this: "Has anybody had sex with Charlie where he actually bothered to take his socks off?" It's just mean! I have bad circulation in my feet -- they get cold!
Charlie: OK, I've had enough of this. How do I delete this whole thing?
Alan: You can't delete a website. The only person who can delete it is the person who created it.
Charlie: Well, how do I find out who created it?
Alan: Now, let's see, huh? [does a WHOIS search] OK, uh... OK, the domain is the property of a company in the Cayman Islands called... [chuckling]: Charlie Harper Sucks, Ltd.
Charlie: That's no help.
Alan: Hey, you can buy T-shirts and coffee mugs! "Add to cart"...
Charlie: If I don't do something about that website, I'm gonna have to move to Pennsylvania and chase Amish broads.
Berta [reading a list that Alan left on the kitchen table]: "Pro: No alimony. Con: No sex. Pro: See Jake all the time. Con: See Judith all the time."
Alan: What are you doing? Give me that!
Berta: I'm sorry, it was just laying there.
Alan: That's private.
Berta: OK! [pause] I've got another "pro" for you.
Alan: Yeah, what's that?
Berta: If you hook back up with Olive Oyl, I won't have to scrub your toilet anymore.
Alan [writing]: "Pro: No more Berta."

[edit] A Lungful of Alan [2.12]

Alan: You want to help me? Stop talking me up. It's killing me.
Charlie: OK!
Alan: And stop putting yourself down! Somehow that's killing me too!
Charlie: Got it.
Alan: Just-- just sit there and eat your dinner and I'll play your game.
Charlie: Fine! [Alan takes the open urinal next to Charlie] You want to shake on it?
Alan: You're disgusting.
Charlie: Yeah, I'm disgusting. At least I'm not the one taking a squirt on my shoe.
[Jake spots the high school yearbook photo of Alan]
Jake: What was going on with your hair?
Jamie: It's called a Jheri curl.
Alan: It was my Michael Jackson period.
Jake: Who's the tall guy next to you?
Jamie: Oh, uh, that's me, Jake.
[Jamie kisses Charlie after kissing Alan, with Charlie in the backseat and Alan in the front]
Charlie: To the batcave Alfred
Alan: Go to hell
Charlie: OK, I'm getting mixed signals here.
Jamie: This is the signal, Charlie: You can't have this. Not now, not ever. NEVER, NEVER, NEVER!
Charlie: You know, I didn't make up the "Eckelberry Hound" thing.
Alan: But he did spread it around. I-- I was always your friend.
Jamie: Oh, please. I spent years throwing myself at you, "friend", playing stupid nerd games on my bed with my shirt open, "buddy", hoping and praying that you would kiss me or touch me or at least notice me as a woman, "PAL"!
Alan: You knew your shirt was open?
Jamie: WHO DO YOU THINK OPENED IT?!
Jamie [to Alan]: You can never have this. NEVER, NEVER, NEVER! [leaves]
Charlie: Well, I guess we know why she's still single.

[edit] Zejdz z Moich Wlosów a.k.a. Get Off My Hair [2.13]

Jake: This is really weird.
Alan: Why is it weird? Your mom and I may not be living together anymore, but we're still friends.
Jake: I don't flip off my friends when I talk to them on the phone.
Charlie: Nice shooting. Two with one bullet.
Judith: I'm surprised to see you home on a Saturday night, what with your fun, bachelor lifestyle.
Charlie: Well, I got laid this morning, so I thought I'd kick back tonight.
Charlie: Well, what if you were dating?
Alan: But I'm not.
Charlie: But what if it looked like you were dating?
Alan: Oh, oh, you mean-- no, no way. I-- I'm not gonna let you fix me up with one of your bimbo girlfriends.
Charlie: OK, forget it.
Alan: She'd have to be really pretty, like a... like a ten. And young, like a twenty.
Charlie: Anything else?
Alan: Uh, and smart. Uh, and a sense of humor's important. Uh, well-read, uh, good with kids, uh, non-smoking, of course... ooh, and, uh, easy on the piercings. Nothing south of the equator.
Charlie: You're mighty picky for a guy with an adult newsstand in his sock drawer.

[edit] Those Big Pink Things with Coconut [2.14]

[Alan is helping Jake study for his history test. Charlie is drunk.]
Alan: Lewis and Clark explored what?
Charlie: [buzzes in] Louisiana Purchase.
Alan: Right.
Jake: I knew that.
Alan: Yeah, but, uh, Uncle Charlie buzzed first.
Charlie: And I'm still buzzed.
Jake: OK, give me another question.
Alan: All right. Um, "Seward's Folly" is another name for...? [Jake and Charlie buzz in at the same time] Jake?
Jake: Alaska.
Alan: Ah, very good!
Charlie: Ugh, I was gonna say Mrs. Seward.
Charlie [looking at Jake's test]: Wow, Texas used to be a separate country. Why'd we change that?

[edit] Smell the Umbrella Stand [2.15]

Berta: The sink's stopped up again. That kid still doesn't know the difference between the garbage disposal and the drain.
Charlie: What do you want? He's eleven.
Berta: That's no excuse. If he can't tell which hole is which at his age, he's headed for big trouble down the road.
[Charlie is teaching Jake how to play blackjack]
Jake: What's the signal if you have to go to the bathroom?
Charlie: There is no signal; you just get up and go to the bathroom. Unless you're on a hot streak, in which case you sit tight and wet yourself.
Jake: You're kidding, right?
Charlie: Hey, you're wearing a $50 pair of slacks and you got $600 on the table? Do the math.
Jake: I have to do math and pee my pants?

[edit] Can You Eat Human Flesh With Wooden Teeth? [2.16]

Charlie: Jake, it takes more than sex to make a man happy... You also need money.

[edit] Woo-Hoo, A Hernia-Exam! [2.17]

[Charlie is on all fours on his bed]
Charlie: Alan, you're a chiropractor. Do something!
Alan: Really? You want my help? Even after you referred to my profession as, oh what was it... "urban voodoo"?
Berta [to Jake]: After a day scrubbing toilets, I'm betting you'll be able to pee through a Cheerio at ten paces.
Berta [hands Jake a mop and bucket]: Take these and get started on the kitchen floor.
Jake: Why? I didn't pee in here! OK, once, but it was in the sink.
Berta: The sink? How'd you manage that?
Jake: It's not that hard. You just gotta drink a lot of root beer, lean back, and figure the angle.
Alan: If two thousand years of-- of human history has taught us anything, it is that there's karmic justice in the world, and that when people live the way you do, bad things have to happen to them to even things out.
Charlie: Well, I don't agree.
Alan: It's not up for debate! It's a... law, like gravity!
Charlie: Oh, I agree with gravity.
Alan: Oh, good. We wouldn't want you flying off the planet with nothing to hump but satellites.
Charlie: So you think I have a shot with that doctor or what?
Alan: It's like trying to talk Shakespeare to a Hershey bar.

[edit] It Was Mame, Mom [2.18]

Jake: Dad?
Alan: Yeah?
Jake: Do you suffer from erectile dysfunction? [Charlie spits out his drink]
Charlie: Well, Alan, do you?
Alan: Um... Jake... what do you know what erectile dysfunction?
Jake: Not much. It has something to do with your penis, right?
Alan: Right.
Jake: And they say one out of three guys gets it, and mine's fine so it's got to be one of you.
Alan: Did you ever try any of those [erectile dysfunction] drugs?
Charlie: Once or twice. Out of curiosity, not necessity.
Alan: What did you think?
Charlie: It's not my thing. It's like corking the bat. You?
Alan: Yeah, that's what my ex-wife wanted -- more sex with me that lasted longer.
Alan: And if we're gonna be a couple, I want to be the husband.
Charlie: Who's gonna believe you're the husband?
Alan: Hey, of the two of us, I'm the only one who's been a husband.
Charlie: You really thought you were the husband in your marriage?
[after Alan and Charlie left for the party]
Rose: What is that about?
Jake: I don't know, but one of them suffers from erectile dysfunction.
Evelyn: Charles, didn't I ask you to confine your debauchery to outlet stores?

[edit] A Low, Gutteral Tongue-Flapping Noise [2.19]

Charlie: So, how you getting to the restaurant?
Alan: Sherri's picking me up.
Charlie: Ah! Very convenient.
Alan: Why? Because she's been here before? Because she's been here with you? Because you've had sex with her in every room in the house?
Charlie: No, because you can't drive. But it's interesting to see how your mind works.
Sherri: My point is, I'm tired of those shallow relationships I was having with guys like Charlie. I want to be with a man who can be sensitive and caring, nurturing, you know, someone who can make me laugh, make me think.
Alan: You do realize I'm straight, right?
Sherri: [giggling] You really are adorable.
Alan: Thank you. I, uh-- I tend to bring out the mothering instinct in women.
Sherri: Really?
Alan: Ironically, not my mother.
Alan: She [Sherri] invited me to her house for dinner tonight. I think she wants to have sex.
Charlie: With who?
Alan: With me.
Charlie: With you. Hang on a second. [looks at the newspaper] Nope, no snowballs reported in Hell... no sightings of flying pigs...
Charlie: When you're making love, the way to slow yourself down is to think of something completely non-sexual.
Alan: What do you think of?
Charlie: You.

[edit] I Always Wanted a Shaved Monkey [2.20]

Charlie: You know, it wouldn't kill you to talk to Mom once in a while.
Alan: We don't know that.
Jake [to Alan and Charlie]: You know, if you guys were queer, we'd be what they call an "alter-native" family.
Charlie: Alan, you're like an Alzheimer's victim in a whorehouse.
Alan: Excuse me?
Charlie: You're constantly surprised that you've been screwed... and you don't want to pay for it!
Charlie: Rose, please, don't try to psychoanalyze m