Veep (TV series)
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Veep is a 2012 HBO television comedy series set in the Office of a fictional Vice President of the United States. The program is created by Armando Iannucci.
Contents |
Season 1 [edit]
Fundraiser [1.01] [edit]
- Amy: So, Dan, Are you enjoying working for Hallowes?
- Dan: Not really. She's middle of the road. She's mediocre, really. Of all the -ocres, she's the mediest.
- Gary: [about the coffee machine] Do I add water to this machine? It's like a robot.
- Dan: It's a nice bag, Gary.
- Amy: You know, he calls that "The Leviathan."
- Dan: Ooh, you got the nuclear codes in there, buddy?
- Gary: [still about the machine] Is there a pouch or something that I put into this?
- Hallowes: Hey, did you fire your tweet monkey yet? Because that guy is a weapons-grade retard.
- Selina: I know.
- Hallowes: I think you might have been hoist by your own retard there.
- Dan: [laughs] That's a good one.
- Dan: I really admired your primaries campaign.
- Selina: Oh, how nice. Thank you very much.
- Dan: Two things I would have done differently.
- Selina: Two things? Oh, no kidding. What are they?
- Dan: I think you spent too much time in New Hampshire. That was in the bag. And the attack ads in Oregon came up four days too soon, made you seem mean before you had to be. But, I mean, hey, you're the old pro here.
- Gary: Ooh!
- Dan: You're the pro.
- Mike: Just a small change in the speech.
- Selina: What is that?
- Mike: Plastics apparently talked to the President. The White House doesn't want us mentioning oil or cornstarch or plastic. Just wing it.
- Selina: This has been pencil-fucked completely?
- Mike: Uh, yes, front and back. Very little romance.
- Selina: That's the entire speech, okay? What's left here? I've got "hello" and I have... prepositions.
- Jonah: Uh, guys, a man is dead. When a sexual harasser dies, we sign his wife's card. Okay? That's how Washington works.
- Dan: Take a good look at me, okay? Now ask yourself something, Mike. Is the man you're looking at gonna be in a position a year from now working above you or below you? 'Cause all ambition you had left your body a long time ago and now all you've got left in the last 10 remaining years of your working life is a damp apartment, cold crab cakes, and an invisible fucking dog.
Frozen Yogurt [1.02] [edit]
- Selina: Oh, my God, this heat is just unbearable.
- Gary: I feel like a gecko.
- Amy: Sorry to interrupt, but fuck-a-deedoo-dah, fuck-a-dee-ay! Martin at the White House.
- Selina: What?
- Amy: "Clean Jobs task force likely to be green lit!" Exclamation point.
- Selina: Yeah! Oh, my God! That is so great for me!
- Amy: And the country.
- Selina: Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's what I meant. Oh, Amy. Good job, Amy.
- Amy: That's why I get paid the medium bucks.
- Selina: Come on, let's go somewhere. Let's meet the public.
- Mike: You want to normalize it?
- Selina: Yes, exactly. I want to meet some regulars normals. Where we gonna find them?
- Mike: Photo op with the normals and the normalistas.
- Amy: Uh ... when was this Two point me meeting with Selina?
- Dan: Oh, are you still tracking my every move? I thought we agreed to move on.
- Amy: Move on from what? We dated for like a week. It was like getting over mild food poisoning.
- Dan: Look, Amy, I am genuinely sorry that my arrival here has caused you to become so self-conscious and gain a little weight.
- Amy: Fuck point you.
Catherine [1.03] [edit]
- Jonah: Whassup, as they say in the late '90s?
- Selina: Hey, Jonah. Did the President cancel the Chinese premier to come to my 20th party?
- Jonah: No, ma'am. Although I'm sure he wouldn't miss it for the world if it weren't for the fact that he runs the world. [Selina mocks a laugh] I'm sure his absence has nothing to do with your rift with the first lady.
- Selina: What? There is no rift. It was one tiny little disagreement and everyone's making it out like we had a catfight in the map room or something.
- Gary: She'd be a rough fighter, though. She's got big shoulders. Those aren't pads.
- Amy: Uh, Mike, have you announced Chuck yet?
- Mike: I'm still working on it, Amy.
- Amy: Oh, come on. This is not the Hoover Dam.
- Mike: Yeah, it is the Hoover Dam... filled with shit. And when we announce Chuck Furnham, an ex-oil guy, on the clean jobs task force, do you know what happens with all that shit, Amy?
- Amy: Uh, does it get used in a clumsy and unpleasant analogy by you?
- Mike: Look, Amy, oil already hates me 'cause we're closing their tax loopholes and making them pay for cleanup, so now I'm eating everyone's shit. I'm like the last guy in a human centipede with this.
- Amy: And there it is.
- Gary: You're not gonna believe this. Selina is on next years list of hurricanes.
- Selina: Ugh, shit! What if it hits and we get a headline saying "Selina causing large scale devastation."
- Amy: People won't equate you with a natural disaster, ma'am.
- Selina: Really, Amy? Cause I've met some people. Okay, real people. And I gotta tell ya a lot of 'em are fucking idiots.
- Gary: [after faking a call from POTUS] FYI, the President is not calling.
- Selina: FYI, Gary, no shit.
Chung [1.04] [edit]
- Jonah: I'm gonna get back to the White House. God, I love saying that!
- Gary: What did you do?
- Amy: You know what I did? I went to bed at 7:00 p.m.
- Gary: Ooh.
- Amy: 7:00 p.m. on a Saturday night. Even people who are dying of malaria stay up later than that.
- Gary: Well, they can't sleep because they're coughing.
- Selina: I'm the Vice President of the United States, you stupid little fuckers! These people should be begging me! That door should be half its height so that people can only approach me in my office on their goddamn, motherfucking knees.
- Dan: I'm not gonna be able to sleep tonight. That was fuckin' dark. You've gone up 10 levels in my estimation, by the way.
- Amy: Which means I've gone down 100 in my own.
- Dan: Sometimes you've gotta go down to go up.
- Amy: Eh- I am taking the credit for this. I tunneled through the shit, I get the dirty glory. It is me who tells Selina the good news.
Nicknames [1.05] [edit]
- Amy: You know, democracy is fantastic but it is also fucking dull.
- Gary: Oh, my God. Is she falling asleep?
- Amy: No, she cannot fall asleep on live TV. Not on C-Span. The irony would be too huge.
- Mike: You sure you set this meeting for 8:00 A.M. today?
- Sue: Am I sure? [stares him down]
- Mike: Okay, I'm sorry. Okay, of course you did. Of course. Please, stop staring at me like that. Undressing me with your eyes.
- Sue: I'm adding more clothes, Mike.
- Selina: [after a secret service laughs at her joke] That was totally inappropriate.
- Amy: Inappropriate.
- Selina: That's not the first time that that's happened, by the way. He's not supposed to register emotion. He's supposed to be like a robot geisha.
- Jonah: So you're saying that just because I'm not as close to POTUS as you thought I was, that means that we can't hang out anymore?
- Dan: What I"m saying, you fucking ape, is that you are a useless waste of fucking carbon. I've been trying to cynically use you, but you're so fucking low-rent, you can't even be exploited. Not to mention the fact any restaurant that serves anything in a fuckload is not a nice restaurant.
- Jonah: Where is the bread in this place, asshole? And you, you upstate New York dickshit-
- Dan: Watch it.
- Jonah: Yeah, I'll talk about upstate New York. You guys think you're fucking New York, but you're not. And you with your perpetual 5:00 shadow, you're not that great to be around. I don't like you, Dan.
- Mike: Which way are you gonna vote?
- Selina: The way that my principles and conscience tell me to go.
- Amy: Okay.
- Selina: Which way do you think that should be?
Baseball [1.06] [edit]
- Amy: You okay? You seem to be phoning it in a little.
- Selina: You know what, Amy? I'm the Veep I never wanted to be. I'm talking salad wraps and body mass index to these idiots.
- Amy: You should really just go and-
- Selina: Yeah, I know, feel my soul slide out of my ass.
- Amy: Selina might be pregnant. What do we wanna do?
- Mike: Is this for real? 'Cause if it is, the best thing for her legacy is if she's assassinated before she starts showing.
- Dan: [seeing a pregnancy test Amy is buying for Selina] Holy sh- Are you pregnant? Amy, come on, career-wise, that's like joining Scientology or getting a fucking neck tattoo.
- Amy: Thanks for the support.
- Dan: So I guess you're gonna be needing maternity leave. I'd be the obvious choice for your replacement.
- Amy: That is literally your first thought?
- Dan: No. My first thought was, "there goes your figure," but I didn't say that because I thought it would be upsetting.
- Amy: Thanks. You know, if it's a boy, maybe I'll name him after you. Call him Fuck Weasel.
- Dan: Wait a second. So- Ma'am- So you're the one who's pregnant?
- Selina: I might be pregnant.
- Dan: So we're looking at a wedding.
- Selina: Or a suicide. I haven't decided which.
- Dan: So what do you think is she really pregnant?
- Amy: How should I know?
- Dan:You’re a woman.
- Amy: You think as a woman I might sense some disturbance in fucking what the lady matrix?
Full Disclosure [1.07] [edit]
- Selina: Mike, this is not a story. Collins made a bunch of faces, he was reassigned. That shouldn't be news. How in the hell did this happen? It's the secret service, for Christ's sake. Secret as in shut the fuck up. And service as in you work for me, okay? So why don't you shut the fuck up? We have an enemy and I want a name and a severed head that answers to that name, or would if it could still talk.
- Selina: I think that Ted is getting ready to dump me. [Amy shakes her head] What is that... nodding thing supposed to mean?
- Amy: No, no, my- processing information. The nod of my head is like I'm buffering.
- Selina: Oh, well, once your done buffering, what is it that you're thinking?
- Amy: I don't know. Maybe the thrill is gone.
- Selina: What do you mean?
- Amy: Like the thrill of the whole power thing wore off. And now he just doesn't like what's un-
- Selina: Doesn't like what?
- Amy: He just doesn't- doesn't really-
- Selina: Okay, I think you'd better get out of my office.
- Jonah: Hi, everybody. [no one says anything] So no apologies?
- Amy: For what?
- Jonah: Oh, for what? Oh. "Washington Post." Page 17. You've disclosed an email containing birthday gift suggestions for an unnamed White House aide. "Suggestion number one: a cake in the shape of a dick." [people laugh and Mike points to himself] "Suggestion number two: a smart new hat in the shape of a dick."
- Dan: Oh, that made it in there!
- Jonah: Everybody knows this is me, guys.
Tears [1.08] [edit]
- Gary: The thing about Ohio is the weather is completely schizophrenic.
- Selina: I know.
- Gary: We dress you wrong, you're either freezing like a popsicle or you're sweating like a hog. [she gives him a look] Or a ballerina or modern dancer.
- Roger: Ah, I recognize you. You're one of Selina's little gay dwarves, aren't you? What, are you sappy? Is that it? Preppy?
- Dan: Actually, my name is Dan Egan.
- Mike: Ma'am, Martin Collins, the secret service guy we reassigned... he's back. He's been un-reassigned.
- Selina: Are you kidding me?
- Mike: Not great, admittedly.
- Selina: "Not great, admittedly"? Yeah, that should be the title of my fucking memoir.
- Selina: 'Cause of that smiling secret service guy, Amy, 66 percent disapprove. That's everyone in America who's awake right now.
- Mike: How you feeling?
- Selina: Well, I'm a political leper, and I'm emotional time bomb. So here's an idea- Let's put me onstage.
- Roger: Maybe you should make an address, okay? Talk about politics and America working together. People-
- Selina: I know how to give a motherfucking speech! Don't you patronize me with your no-jaw. You, Congressman No-Jaw!
Season 2 [edit]
Midterms [2.01] [edit]
- Sue: Marion, listen very closely. You have as much chance of getting the Vice President on your show as you have of getting your husband to leave that cheerleader. [pause] Yes, Marion, we're all aware of that. Good-bye.
- Selena: Okay, folks, Kent Davison is back. So, number one: what are we gonna do about it? Number two: why am I telling you this news? And number three: would you please hang up the phone because I'm the fucking Vice President of the United States and I have something to say.
- Statistician 1: [to Selena] You're like Neo.
- Dan: [looking at the data] Wow.
- Selena: What's a Neo?
- Statistician 1: He's from "The Matrix." Everything he does is awesome.
- Statistician 2: The first movie. The sequels sucked.
- Jonah: Guys, we agreed to let "The Matrix" debate lie.
- Dan: Jesus, I can feel my virginity growing back in here.
- Amy: [to her sister] You have three kids by two different guys, maybe your last word should've been 'no'.
- Selena: [very tired, hearing she has interviews to do] Oh, God.
- Gary: Okay, I got coffee, I got ginseng, I got protein bars. You want some of those?
- Selena: No.
- Gary: No?
- Selena: I need that stuff that junkies use. You know, when it takes a cop 15 bullets to put him down.
Signals [2.02] [edit]
- Selena: [on the phone with her ex-husband] No, I want Catherine to spend Thanksgiving with me, not some random boyfriend. And what about poor Memaw, who's guaranteed to be dead by March? [quietly to Amy] With any luck.
- Selena: Okay, so they want me to go to a pig roast to meet a bunch of men who probably took turns to fuck the pig before they roasted it?
- Amy: I wouldn't presume they took turns.
- Selena: We got to go. We're gonna go mix with the hicks.
- Sue: Congressman Furlong called and he'd like some face time.
- Selena: Okay, well, let's see, I'd rather set fire to my vulva. So that's a no.
- Amy: He's in town trying to play nice for a possible Senate run in the next year or so.
- Selena: Seriously?!
- Mike: Roger Furlong trying to play nice is like Brando trying to play Annie.
- Selena: That's a good one, Mike!
