From Wikiquote

Whose Line Is It Anyway? is an improvised and largely unscripted comedy game show. It was originally a British radio programme, but moved to British Television and was hosted by Clive Anderson and lasted 10 series and 137 episodes. Performers would compete for points and Anderson would give them out very selfishly. When it was moved to American television, the game was hosted by TV actor Drew Carey. Like the UK version, it usually had four other actors or actresses that compete for points (which, as Drew Carey says repeatedly in every episode, really don't matter). The American version lasted 8 series and 215 episodes. The show consists of acting games that are all improvised, that is, made up on the spot. Audience members contribute ideas to the show and are often pulled onstage to participate in the games. Found below are segments and quotes from some of the games played by the regular actors on the show.

Contents 1 Radio Show 1.1 Episode 1 1.1.1 Performers 1.1.2 Rap 2 Television Show 2.1 British version 2.1.1 Performers 2.1.2 Alphabet 2.1.2.1 Quicksand (starting with P) 2.1.2.2 Somebody Being Arrested (starting with A) 2.1.2.3 Parachute Jump (starting with A) 2.1.2.4 Chat Up Scene (Starting with A) 2.1.2.5 Two Surgeons performing an operation (starting with L) 2.1.2.6 Confessional (starting with J) 2.1.2.7 Two pilots flying a plane(Starting with Q) 2.1.3 Authors 2.1.3.1 Night of the Crumpet 2.1.3.2 Crocodile Killers from Hell (1989 Comic Relief special) 2.1.3.3 An Englishman and an Australian Batsman meet Captain Pugwash 2.1.3.4 Goat Herding in Leamington Spa 2.1.3.5 Death of a Dog at the British Grand Prix 2.1.3.6 Annie the Orphan Get Your Rifle 2.1.3.7 How I Killed My Fairy Godmother 2.1.3.8 She's Gotta Have More Macaroni and Cheese 2.1.3.9 Death of a Stand-Up Comic 2.1.3.10 Day in the Life of a Nursery School 2.1.4 Bartender 2.1.4.1 Been dumped by Clive Anderson 2.1.4.2 Angry about constipation 2.1.4.3 Drinking to forget impotence 2.1.4.4 In love with the barman 2.1.4.5 Drinking to forget his wardrobe 2.1.4.6 In love with an inflatable pig 2.1.4.7 In love with teddy bears 2.1.4.8 Angry about his middle name 2.1.4.9 Drinking to forget his tax demand 2.1.4.10 In love with dogs 2.1.4.11 Angry about a jacket 2.1.4.12 Annoyed about being jilted 2.1.4.13 In love with cats 2.1.4.14 Celebrating being invited to the Queen's Garden Party 2.1.4.15 In love with a television set 2.1.4.16 Celebrating loss of virginity in Spain 2.1.5 Props 2.1.6 Interview 2.1.6.1 Snow White 2.1.7 World's Worst 2.1.7.1 Person to comfort somebody on their deathbed 2.1.7.2 Person auditioning for Romeo and Juliet 2.1.7.3 Person to go on a blind date with 2.1.7.4 Person to be President of the United States 2.1.7.5 Way to greet the Royal Family 2.1.7.6 Thing to say at a wedding 2.1.7.7 Person to lead soldiers into battle 2.1.7.8 Thing to say or do to someone in hospital at Christmas 2.1.7.9 Thing to say or do at a funeral 2.1.7.10 Person to be trapped in a lift with 2.1.7.11 Entertainment Act 2.1.7.12 Person to be a Superhero 2.1.7.13 Person to Captain a Submarine 2.1.7.14 Idea for a Television Programme 2.1.7.15 Person to perform an operation on you 2.1.7.16 Person to visit you in the hospital 2.1.7.17 Person to take confession 2.1.7.18 Things to say before or during sex 2.1.7.19 Nature Show 2.1.7.20 Person to sit next to on a plane 2.1.7.21 Person to audition for Hamlet 2.1.7.22 Weather reporter 2.1.7.23 Person to sit next to during an exam 2.1.7.24 Person to be President of the world in an intergalactic crisis 2.1.7.25 Things for a doctor or surgeon to say 2.1.7.26 Person to go on Holiday with 2.1.7.27 Person to be a cub scout leader 2.1.7.28 Advert 2.1.7.29 Person to Sleep with 2.1.7.30 Things to see on Television 2.1.7.31 Show business act 2.1.7.32 Things to say to your inlaws 2.1.7.33 News/Documentary Outtake 2.1.7.34 Joy of Sex Video 2.1.7.35 Chat-Up (Pick-Up) Line 2.1.7.36 Television Programme 2.1.7.37 Television advertisement (with Hats) 2.1.7.38 Self Improvement Video 2.1.7.39 Body Product ad 2.1.8 Song Styles & Duet 2.1.8.1 Telephone 2.1.8.2 Television Set 2.1.8.3 Hosepipe 2.1.8.4 Ironing Board 2.1.8.5 Food processor 2.1.8.6 Toaster 2.1.8.7 Stapler 2.1.8.8 Hammer 2.1.8.9 Microwave 2.1.8.10 Paperweight 2.1.8.11 Snails 2.1.8.12 Soap 2.1.8.13 Cat litter tray 2.1.8.14 Train set 2.1.8.15 Old boiler 2.1.8.16 Alison the court clerk 2.1.8.17 Coal 2.1.8.18 Mop 2.1.8.19 Drew the stripper 2.1.8.20 Little red triangle 2.1.8.21 Beached whale 2.1.8.22 Syringe 2.1.8.23 Spanner 2.1.8.24 Mark the bank manager 2.1.8.25 Catherine the secretary 2.1.8.26 Anna the nurse 2.1.8.27 Angela the video shop worker 2.1.9 Musical Film Review 2.1.9.1 The First Man Into Space 2.1.9.2 Midshipman Easy 2.1.10 Party Quirks 2.1.11 Press Conference 2.1.11.1 Tony is the first man to make love in space 2.1.11.2 Stephen is Snow White Announcing She is pregnant 2.1.11.3 Colin is having Clive's love child 2.1.12 Psychiatrist 2.1.12.1 Thinks he's an Eskimo 2.1.12.2 Scared of hats 2.1.12.3 In love with Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2.1.12.4 Scared of peanut butter 2.1.12.5 Obsessed with Easter bunnies 2.1.12.6 Thinks he's an armadillo in Austria 2.1.12.7 In love with a cameraman from Greece 2.1.13 Prison Visitor 2.1.13.1 Stealing pants in Brazil 2.1.13.2 Murdered George in Italy 2.1.13.3 Caught with a prostitute in a car in Jamaica 2.1.14 News Report 2.1.15 Quick Change 2.1.16 Scenes from a hat 2.1.17 Song Titles 2.1.17.1 On a boat 2.1.18 Rap 2.1.18.1 Handbag 2.1.18.2 Cooking 2.1.18.3 Banking 2.1.19 Gospel 2.1.19.1 Cake Decorating 2.1.19.2 Needlepointing 2.1.19.3 Woodworking 2.1.19.4 Lawyers 2.1.20 Hoedown 2.1.20.1 Stone Carving Hoedown 2.1.20.2 Scuba Diving Hoedown 1 2.1.20.3 Skiing Hoedown 2.1.20.4 Sex Change Hoedown 2.1.20.5 Motorcycling Hoedown 2.1.20.6 Making Cheese Hoedown 2.1.20.7 Hairdressers Hoedown 2.1.20.8 Motorways Hoedown 2.1.20.9 Riding a Donkey Hoedown 2.1.20.10 Vasectomy Hoedown 2.1.20.11 Cinema Hoedown 2.1.20.12 Christmas Hoedown 2.1.20.13 Pony Trekking Hoedown 2.1.20.14 Sex Hoedown 2.1.20.15 Scuba Diving Hoedown 2 2.1.20.16 Halloween Hoedown 2.1.20.17 Excessive Drinking Hoedown 2.1.20.18 Reading of the Will Hoedown 2.1.20.19 Being Stood up Hoedown 2.1.20.20 Puberty Hoedown 2.1.20.21 Tory Politicians Hoedown 2.1.20.22 Women Hoedown 2.1.20.23 Grandmothers Hoedown 2.1.20.24 World Leaders Hoedown 2.1.20.25 Giving Birth Hoedown 2.1.20.26 Tight Trousers Hoedown 2.1.20.27 Marriage Problems Hoedown 2.1.20.28 Weddings Hoedown 2.1.20.29 Cricket Hoedown 2.1.20.30 Worst Nightmares Hoedown 2.1.20.31 Golf Hoedown 2.1.20.32 Barristers & Lawyers Hoedown 2.1.20.33 Lottery Winning Hoedown 2.1.20.34 Colin Hoedown 2.1.20.35 Extra Bit: Gambling Hoedown 2.1.21 Questions Only 2.1.21.1 At the Vet's 2.1.21.2 Circus Auditions 2.1.21.3 At a Singles' Party 2.1.21.4 Aliens Meeting Earthlings 2.1.21.5 Army Recruitment Office 2.1.21.6 French Romance Story 2.1.21.7 Stag Night 2.1.22 Let's Make A Date 2.1.23 Hats 2.1.24 Superheroes 2.1.25 March 2.1.25.1 Hang-gliding March 2.1.25.2 Banking March 2.1.25.3 Collecting Typewriters March 2.1.25.4 Dog-Sledding March 2.1.25.5 Taxidermy March 2.1.25.6 Weddings March 2.1.25.7 Giving Birth March 2.1.25.8 Vegtables March 2.1.26 Film & Theatre Styles 2.1.27 Film Trailer 2.1.27.1 He Invaded My Chip Shop 2.1.27.2 Revenge of the Sheep Shearer 2.1.28 Helping Hands 2.1.29 Daytime Talk Show 2.1.29.1 Washing Up 2.1.29.2 Jack and the Beanstalk 2.1.30 Stand, Sit, Lie/Bend 2.1.31 Courtroom Scene 2.1.31.1 A Crime of Passion 2.1.31.2 Stolen Lego Bricks 2.1.31.3 Stolen Chicken Case 2.1.32 Scene with a prop 2.1.33 Bloopers 2.1.33.1 Series 2 2.1.33.2 Series 3 (London) 2.1.34 Clive Anderson Quotes 2.1.34.1 "Welcome to Whose Line is it Anyway?...." 2.1.34.2 Post Games 2.1.34.3 Welcome back... 2.1.34.4 Clive vs Greg 2.1.34.5 Clive Vs Paul 2.1.34.6 Clive Vs Mike 2.2 American version 2.2.1 Brad Sherwood 2.2.1.1 Hoedowns 2.2.1.2 Scenes from a Hat 2.2.1.3 Superheroes 2.2.1.4 Weird Newscasters 2.2.2 Chip Esten 2.2.2.1 Hoedown 2.2.2.2 Scenes from a Hat 2.2.3 Colin Mochrie 2.2.3.1 Greatest Hits 2.2.3.2 Hats 2.2.3.3 Hoedowns 2.2.3.4 Hollywood Director 2.2.3.5 If You Know What I Mean 2.2.3.6 Infomercial 2.2.3.7 Irish Drinking Song 2.2.3.8 Narrate 2.2.3.9 News Conference 2.2.3.10 News Flash 2.2.3.11 Scenes from a Hat 2.2.3.12 Song Titles 2.2.3.13 Superheroes 2.2.3.14 Two-Line Vocabulary 2.2.3.15 Weird Newscasters 2.2.3.16 World's Worst 2.2.3.17 Whose Line 2.2.3.18 Unsorted 2.2.4 Drew Carey 2.2.4.1 Hoedowns 2.2.4.2 The Points Are Like... 2.2.4.3 Welcome Back to "Whose Line Is It Anyway?" 2.2.4.4 Misc. 2.2.5 Greg Proops 2.2.5.1 Hats 2.2.5.2 Scenes from a Hat 2.2.5.3 Superheroes 2.2.5.4 Hoedowns 2.2.5.5 Misc. 2.2.6 Ryan Stiles 2.2.6.1 Hats 2.2.6.2 Hoedowns 2.2.6.3 Narrate 2.2.6.4 Scenes from a Hat 2.2.6.5 Show Stopping Number 2.2.6.6 Weird Newscasters 2.2.6.7 World's Worst 2.2.6.8 Unsorted 2.2.7 Wayne Brady 2.2.7.1 Hats 2.2.7.2 Hoedowns 2.2.7.3 Scenes from a Hat 2.2.7.4 Unsorted 2.2.8 Guest Stars 2.2.8.1 Scenes from a hat 2.2.8.2 Living Scenery 2.2.9 Multiple cast members 2.2.9.1 Bartender 2.2.9.1.1 Wayne is in love with Chip 2.2.9.2 Greatest Hits 2.2.9.3 Improbable Mission 2.2.9.4 Irish Drinking Song 2.2.9.4.1 Got pregnant 2.2.9.4.2 Breaking up 2.2.9.4.3 Passed wind 2.2.9.4.4 Had a lobotomy 2.2.9.4.5 Yelled out the wrong name in bed 2.2.9.4.6 Graduation 2.2.9.4.7 Got mugged 2.2.9.4.8 Slept with an ugly woman 2.2.9.5 Press Conference 2.2.9.6 Props 2.2.9.7 Questions Only 2.2.9.8 Quick Change 2.2.9.9 Scenes From a Hat 2.2.9.10 World's Worst 2.2.9.10.1 Person to be the leader of the world in a crisis 2.2.9.10.2 Priest or Rabbi 2.2.9.10.3 Next-door neighbour 2.2.9.10.4 Thing to say or do on a romantic date 2.2.9.10.5 Self-help instructional video 2.2.9.11 Foreign Film Dub 2.3 Other Unaired Quotes 2.3.1 Brad Sherwood 2.3.1.1 Hoedowns 2.3.1.2 Other 2.3.2 Colin Mochrie 2.3.2.1 Hoedown 2.3.3 Others 2.3.4 Ryan Stiles 2.3.4.1 Hoedown 2.3.4.2 Props 2.3.4.3 Other 2.3.5 Drew Carey 2.3.6 Hoedown 2.3.6.1 Other 2.3.7 Wayne Brady 2.3.7.1 Hoedowns 2.3.7.2 Props 2.3.8 Greg Proops 2.3.8.1 Props 2.3.8.2 Hoedowns 2.3.8.3 Others 2.3.9 Multiple cast members 3 External links

[edit] Radio Show

[edit] Episode 1

[edit] Performers

Stephen Fry

Dawn French

Lenny Henry

John Sessions

Cullen Donahue

[edit] Rap

(about Animals)

Lenny Henry:

Hey. Feel GAY!

I went to the zoo, walked down the street,

Opened the door, and guess who I should meet?

A tiger came, and bit off my Head,

And now I'm gonna walk back home again.

It's the animal rap.

Dawn French:

I like animals, I like Pekinese,

I like them a lot, cause their stupid knees.

I like everything, I like a snake,

And it.. I don't, if it's a fake.

Stephen Fry:

(talking out of time with beat) Yeah um, oh...

I find it rather hard to get to sleep,

So I tend to spend my time counting sheep.

Um, I've got, ah, plenty in my bedroom, um, one on the walls,

Um, one in bed and one curled up on my lap.

John Sessions:

I like the Man from U.N.C.L.E, like the Man From Atlantis,

But I like to make love to a praying mantis,

Get down on your legs, down on your feet,

And go after those sheep till they bleat bleat bleat.

I said damn.

Lenny Henry:

Oh yeah.

Feel good!

Oh y... Sorry, I'm enjoying this too much.

I like to go hunting, there's no denyin',

I like to stick my gun into a big lion.

I'd like to get down with a big fat sheep,

I'd like to do something else, and then go to sleep.

Dawn French:

I like all sorts of animals, especially cats,

I like them if they're thin, I like them if they're fat.

I like other animals, I like a dog,

But one thing I wouldn't do with a dog is snog.

Stephen Fry:

(speaks out of time... again) I once went to bed with a baby llama,

But it didn't matter 'cause he didn't tell his mamma.

I then went to bed with a bird from Carolina,

But it did matter 'cause it was a minah.

[edit] Television Show

[edit] British version

These quotes have been taken from the original Channel 4 broadcasts, so most of these quotes will have strong language which they were originally aired.

[edit] Performers

The performers listed in these quotes are:-

• Clive Anderson
• Niall Ashdown
• Wayne Brady
• Rory Bremner
• Jane Brucker
• Mark Cohen
• Julian Clary
• Chip Esten
• Russell Fletcher
• Stephen Frost (sometimes credited as Steve Frost)
• Stephen Fry
• Archie Hahn
• Griff Rhys Jones
• Richard Kaplan
• Phil LaMarr
• Josie Lawrence
• Paul Merton
• Jim Meskimen
• Mike McShane
• Colin Mochrie
• Jimmy Mulville
• Jonathan Pryce
• Greg Proops
• Caroline Quentin
• Jan Ravens
• Enn Reitel
• Paul Rider
• John Sessions
• Brad Sherwood
• Lee Simpson
• Tony Slattery
• Christopher Smith
• Steve Steen
• Ryan Stiles
• Jim Sweeney
• Sandi Toksvig
• Ron West
• Denalda Williams
• Richard Vranch

[edit] Alphabet

[edit] Quicksand (starting with P)

Paul: Please help me!

Jim: Quicksand is it?

Paul: R... (errr...) yes.

Jim: Say nothing, say nothing, I'll pull you out.

Paul: Today if you could!

Jim: Undoubtedly. Grab my hand then.

Paul: Verily I will.

Jim: Well here we go, well, pull... (Jim tries to pull Paul out)

Paul: ...X-rays, I need x-rays! My arm's broken!

Jim: Yes, it feels like it is!

Paul: Zor, Zorro was my favourite children's doh... I think the quicksand is seeping into my brain!

Jim: Are you a sad little man? You are aren't you?

Paul: Basically, yes!

Jim: Come on, I'll get you back out here on dry land. (Jim pulls Paul out)

Paul: Damn! I nearly died in that quicksand.

Jim: Everybody does, you know.

Paul: Finally yes, they do.

Jim: Goodbye to the quicksand then.

Paul: Hello to a new life.

Jim: I love you!

Paul: Just saying that!

Jim: Kinky little devil!

Paul: Love me?

Jim: Much, much, much, much, much.

Paul: ...Noooo!

Jim: Oh yes!

[edit] Somebody Being Arrested (starting with A)

Paul: About them drugs you found in me spare garage.

Julian: But what are you trying to say, sir?

Paul: Copper, it's like this!

Julian: Don't call me a copper!

Paul: Even though you've got 'Copper' written on your lapel?

Julian: Five minutes and I'll take you down the nick.

Paul: Gordon Bennett!

Julian: I thought your name was Harry. Oh, that's wrong isn't it? Harry, you're under arrest!

Paul: I'm under arrest!

Julian: (asks Paul what the next letter is under his breath) Just wait a minute, then I'll arrest you.

Paul: Keep me here while you arrest me in just a minute? No, I shall scarper! I shall...

Julian: Life. Life's is what I'm threatening you with, sonny!

Paul: Mother?

Julian: No time for mother now!

Paul: (disappointed) Ohhhhhhh....

Julian: Policeman, that's what I am!

Paul: (Paul goes through the alphabet in his head and Julian tries to tell him it's Q) Queen Mother's good for her age, isn't she?

Julian: Right that's it, I've had enough! I'm gonna take you in now, to the police station.

Paul: So soon?

Julian: Yep... Terry Marshall looks like you with the lights out.

Paul: Ultra-violet light, probably.

Julian: Violent by nature, aren't you? I can see it in your eyes.

Paul: Windows of the soul... (Julian struggles to think of a word beginning with X) ...wanna see me X-rays?

Julian: Except in special circumstances.

Paul: ... Well... Yes.

Julian: Zoo.

[edit] Parachute Jump (starting with A)

(Also see "Bloopers" (under Series 3) below for Josie's aborted attempts to start on a letter other than A!)

Sandi: Alright are you ready?

Josie: But there's one thing I haven't told you...

Sandi: Cor, what?

Josie: Don't want to do it!

Sandi: (angrily) Every time we go anywhere you always say you don't want to do it!

Josie: (upset) Flippin' heck, don't shout at me!

Sandi: Good grief, we never do anything interesting!

Josie: ...(crying) Huh-huh-huh...

Sandi: I wish I'd thought of that!

Josie: Joking apart, I'm ready!

Sandi: Know what?

Josie: Let me know, what?

Sandi: My parachute's bigger than your parachute.

Josie: Nooo!

Sandi: Oh yes!

Josie: Perhaps that's 'cos you've got a big bum!

Sandi: Queen's Regiment are taking us up!

Josie: Ripping fellows, those soldiers!

Sandi: So are you not nervous or anything?

Josie: Touchy, touchy, but not nervous. Just touchy.

Sandi: Under the wing is a very bad place to land.

Josie: Very, very bad, so I've heard!

Sandi: Well you could end up in hospital. ((Josie can't think what letter comes next and Sandi makes an X with her hands)

Josie: X-rays! X-rays! I'm scared of X-rays!

Sandi: Yes it could be very serious. (draws a Z in the air with her finger)

Josie: Zoo! Zoo! Look - zoo! I hope we don't land in the zoo!

[edit] Chat Up Scene (Starting with A)

Sandi: Ah! Hello!

Tony: Bloody hell, you're gorgeous.

Sandi: Cor, he's not bad!

Tony: Deary me, funny legs!

Sandi: Ever thought of going to a proper tailor?

Tony: Frankly no.

Sandi: Good, cos I quite like your suit.

Tony: Hoorah!.

Sandi: I was just passing, and I wondered if you would like to go out for a coffee?

Tony: Joffé? Did you say Roland Joffé?

Sandi: Koffee! Only it's Turkish and they spell it with a K.

Tony: Oh, Lumee.

Sandi: My, you're a nice looking boy.

Tony: Naughty vixen!

Sandi: Oh yes.

Tony: Pretty too!

Sandi: Really?

Tony: ... Queer, I am. Never mind. (Sandi nods as she realises she missed the Q)

Sandi: So are all the boys I meet.

Tony: Tony.

Sandi: U.

Tony: Ah! Venereal Disease!

Sandi: Well, wouldn't you know?

Tony: You? (Sandi makes X sign with hands) Xylophone?

Sandi: Yes, for many years now.

Tony: Zing went the strings of my heart!

[edit] Two Surgeons performing an operation (starting with L)

Mike: Lucky sod, you get off this weekend.

Tony: Michael, this is sudden. What causes jealousy?

Mike: Nepotism.

Tony: Ooooooh!

Mike: Perhaps your wife doesn't happen to be the best nurse on the hall.

Tony: Quite, she isn't!

Mike: Really, I thought you had more tact and morals than that.

Tony: Silly person! Can't you see you've just taken out his windpipe?

Mike: Tracheotomy time!

Tony: That goes under the neck. (realised his mistake) Under the neck, that goes!

Mike: Very good!

Tony: Whooo! We've done it.

Mike: The Xyvalogovu Ridge seems to be opening up.

Tony: Yes, that's right.

Mike: Zip that baby up and I'll break for all of us for lunch.

Tony: Awww, he's dead.

Mike: Big deal!

Tony: Careless butterfingers!

Mike: Doctor Cockup!

Tony: Every time!

Mike: Forget it, I'm hungry.

Tony: Good, me too.

Mike: Hell, let's go to that new salad bar.

Tony: I'd rather have a steak.

Mike: Well, jam it up my kaboga, I'll have a steak too!

Tony: Kaboga, what's that?

Mike: Linear tract of the ... forget it.

[edit] Confessional (starting with J)

Jim: Just come in, son, come in and tell us your sins.

Paul: (deep breath) Kevin, my next door neighbour, I buried him up to his neck in sand.

Jim: Let's see if I've got this right - Kevin?

Paul: My, my, yes, that was his name, yes. Kevin, yes.

Jim: No, no, not Kevin!

Paul: Oh yes it was!

Jim: Please don't tell me it was Kevin!

Paul: Erm... Q? Erm... erm... What word begins with Q?

Clive: "Queue" does! The word "queue" begins with Q!

Paul: Queue! Gardens is where I buried him up to his neck!

Jim: Right, well that's a terrible sin, there may be no way that I can absolve you.

Paul: Surely Father, there must be something you can do.

Jim: Teddy, I could give you a little teddy! And you could cuddle it, it might make you feel better.

Paul: Urdu. I like your 'urdu.

Jim: Very kind of you to say so, thank you very much.

Paul: Er.. Windowlene?

Jim: Xylophones need this to make the look shine better.

Paul: Youngsters know best.

Jim: Zee, zee, zee, zee! (presses on his watch) I'm Jimmy Olsen calling Superman! Zee, zee, zee, zee!

Paul: About time too! I wondered when Superman was gonna turn up!

Jim: Big git, Superman!

Paul: Yeah. Er... Chair. Chair. Can you tell me when he's gonna get here?

Jim: Don't know but he could be here any minute. Look, there he is!

Paul: Everyone's looking at up the sky! Is it a bird? Is it a plane?

Jim: Frankly I don't know!

Paul: Good heavens! Look at the way he's soaring towards us!

Jim: Help! He's gonna land on our heads!

Paul: Incredibly so!

Jim: Just a minute, I'm off!

(Post-game) Clive: I think I'll give Jim double points for spelling correctly, and nothing there for Paul.

[edit] Two pilots flying a plane(Starting with Q)

Mike: Quentin, can you open up the flaps? We're coming in pretty fast.

Tony: Right.

Mike: Sure is wild the way you work those wing flaps.

Tony: Terrance, there's something I've been meaning to tell you and I'd like to tell you before we land.

Mike: Under duress, I hope.

Tony: Very duress, yes.

Mike: Well, spit it out.

Tony: Xerxes is my name, it's not Quentin after all.

Mike: Y'know, I'd suspected that for quite some time.

Tony: (mimed reaching for the radio) Zero Foxtrot Bravo, we're going to bank around the airport a couple of times.

Mike: Altitude seems to be holding up.

Tony: Bloody hell, the petrol's falling out of the back of the plane!

Mike: Cor, blimey, guv. We're going to crash!

Tony: Die, die, we're gonna die!

Mike: Enough of this folderol, quick, get back in the emergency fuel tank, try to get some speed up, we'll come back in slow.

Tony: Fuel tanks fractured!

Mike: Great Leaping Lungfish, we're gonna toast!

Tony: Help! Help! Help!

Mike: In case of an emergency scream real camp. Yeah, that's gonna do a lot of good.

Tony: Jeanette, Jeanette, serve us some coffee!

Mike: Knowledge of her name is not going to help us out of any situation for crying out loud.

Tony: Leave her alone, she's my wife as if you didn't know.

Mike: My woman, as if you didn't know.

Tony: Nanette, what are you doing here? I thought you were in Switzerland?

Mike: Oh, Nanette, you've been down there the whole time.

Tony: Please, Nanette, not now, we're going to crash.

Mike: Question...

[edit] Authors

[edit] Night of the Crumpet

Mike McShane - Louis L'Amour

Josie Lawrence - The Brothers Grimm

Tony Slattery - Dr. Alex Comfort

John Sessions - William Faulkner

Mike: Rogue Hill, Texas, was a lawless town. But it had one baker, Tex Amerstein. He was the best baker in all of Rogue Hill. But he had a problem - he'd run out of wholewheat flour. That made him a dangerous man.

Josie: One night, when Tex lay in bed, a little elf called P'titsel landed on his bedside table. "If you want to get some wheat flour, you have to journey many, many, many miles to the land where the Knight of the Crumpet lives."

Tony: The elf was little, but of course size doesn't matter.

John: The verification of the deliniation of the hope of the answer to the ding-dong bing-bang bash of hope coming down now deeper into the forest of his resourcefulness. Down there into the sanctuary the butter did fall, fall down onto the crumpet. The crumpet falling lower and lower driving deeper into the south. The Yawknapatawpha County of a deep deliberateness, the butter dipping, dipping, dripping and deeper and deeper.

Mike: Tex said "enough of this crap, you little fairy! Let's draw spatulas and let's bake!" So he popped open his camper oven and they went at it. Well the little fairy was quick but not quick enough. Tex whipped out a couple of the best tasting crumpets that he'd ever seen in his life, smeared some honeybuck jelly on it and passed it to him, saying "put that on for size, you pointy-eared little fruit!"

Josie: This made the elf very angry, so he decided to lock the baker up in an ivory tower. One night, the Knight of the Crumpet came and shouted "Baker! Baker! Let down your crumpets!" He climbed up the juicy, buttery crumpets and dropped inside where he saw the baker all alone sitting there very sad - when are you gonna buzz me?

Tony: Yes, the baker was alone and there's nothing wrong with solitary sexual experience either, let me tell you. In terms of...

John: The toast was rising now, rising now higher and higher into the hope of happiness. Down now, down again to the sanctuary, the deep volupturous sanctuary of his lechery. There inside the hope denied, the hope reliving again, revivifying all hope, in the answer to the improbability of the indefatigable hope of the answer of the improbable. The butter would come, and down would go the toast, and Holy Ghost and all.

[edit] Crocodile Killers from Hell (1989 Comic Relief special)

Stephen Fry - Salman Rushdie

Josie Lawrence - Barbara Cartland

Paul Merton - A combination of a sex manual and The Highway Code

John Sessions - Griff Rhys Jones - "My Life in the Theatre" (Griff had appeared in the previous segment of Comic Relief)

Stephen: (hides behind his chair at the back of the set)

Josie: "I'm sorry! I'm so sorry!" said Nick, softly and yet manfully. "I didn't mean to buy you that crocodile and I didn't realise it was the devil's work!" Amanda stood there alluringly looking at Nick. A tall lithe woman who belied her thirty-five years of age. Silk lingerie fell neatly over her firm high breasts and her delicate hair was pulled back in a chimion. "Oh Nick..."

Paul: Oh that was a shame, wasn't it? It was going very well there. Nick suddenly thought of the words that his mother had given to him, the golden advice: "Always wear a condom on a zebra crossing." It was something that he was never to forget, also "Never drive a truck in a nude." He used his insolent techniques to take on this woman. She was all woman, he was all man and his license was fully endorsed.

John: Hell is a fine and private place but, erm, none I think do they embrace, and of course... The erm, the theatre is full of luvvies, always has been. People penetrating each other's bottoms like British railways. Over the years...

Stephen: I'm terribly sorry, I'm just so sorry, I won't do it again, I'm very very sorry. Sorry, I'm so sorry. So sorry. So sorry.

Josie: "I'm sorry! I'm sorry!" said Nick, thrusting her firmly and yet gently onto the Axminster carpet. Amanda was so glad she cleaned it only the other day.

Paul: And she thought to herself "Ah, an Axminster carpet, surely a great contribution to road safety..."

John: Crocodiles didn't really appear in the British theatre until later on in the 20th century when all the old luvvies had covered themselves with eau de cologne. At this stage, crocodiles and alligators were seen on the English stage along with the Australians like Paul Hogan and people like that. However..."

[edit] An Englishman and an Australian Batsman meet Captain Pugwash

Ron West - William Goldman

Griff Rhys Jones - Edward Lear

Paul Merton - Nostradamus

John Sessions - Philip Larkin

Ron: Fade up on... the village green. Cut to two cricketers with cricket bats. Cut to two scared Australians. Cut back to the two cricketers with cricket bats chasing the Australians. Cut to the Australians digging a hole, to get into the hole, to get away from the two cricketers with bats...

Griff: There (chuckles) ... There was an old man of Darjeeling, whose beard reached up to the ceiling. He said to the Aussie, "..."

Paul: And lo, it will come to pass, in that far-off land of Albion, some 400 years from now, when Australians with willows will hammer the crap out of English with willows. And the English selectors, nary in their desperation will choose Captain Pugwash as opening bowler.

John: Willie one and Willie two, one day went out with Wally Grout. Sometimes they wanted him in, on other occasions out. The Black Pig it would sail the sea, sometimes to old Constantin'be, and I would have some afternoon tea, and then be sad. But then that's me.

[edit] Goat Herding in Leamington Spa

Ron West - DC Comics

Jimmy Mulville - Sigmund Freud

Paul Merton - Edgar Allan Poe

John Sessions - The Diaries of Andy Warhol

Ron: Superman was trapped on the planet Pluto with a goat. "What good are you?" said Superman, "You're only a goat! How can you help me get out of this? I've been weakened by Kryptonite! I need something stronger than a goat!" "Sorry", said the goat.

Jimmy: (German accent) So you zink you're a goat. It vas quite obvious to me that this man thought he was a penis.

Paul: As Superman and the goat conversed on the surface of Pluto they could hear a distant knocking from the graveyard: it was time to bring granny up again. The premature burial that had haunted the family over the generations had come back to haunt them. Whenever they buried a member of the family they put a packet of Ritz crackers in there and a telephone just to keep them going, but...

John: I was going to get out of bed, but I couldn't make up my mind whether to or not. Then I remembered that Bianca Jagger, Jules Olitski and Bobby Raucshenberg were coming round. "Hi, Andy!" "Hi, Bobby! Hi, Bianca! Hi, Juels!" I said. I made them a cup of coffee.

[edit] Death of a Dog at the British Grand Prix

Archie Hahn - Alice Walker

Jonathan Pryce - The diaries of Noël Coward

Paul Merton - Sir Arthur Conan Doyle

John Sessions - JRR Tolkien

Archie: Law-la-la the sun wa so hawt! Mista left the dawg with me an' I tried to take him for a walk. But there wa so many people. So very many people an' I couldn't keep track of the dawg...

Jonathan: Monday - so many people, so many people. Binky was there of course, we had lunch. And Coley. Coley was always there, looking divine as usual. We talked a lot about so many people, none of it good. It was a wonderful day.

Paul: I looked down at the lunch and I saw that it was a dead dog. Judging by this dog's appearance I would say it spent five years in Oxford before it transferred as a GP to the London area. "My God, Holmes!" declared Watson, "How can you possibly know that?"

John: (in an beatnik style) Tom Bombadil, Tom Bombadil, with all your problems shured. Is it not a great sadness that you've been driven over by a Matra Ford? There you are on the ground, Tom Bombadil, Tom Bombadil, in his coat of solid yellow...

Archie: Mista come up to me and he say "Where Tom? Where tha' dog Tom?" Ma just stand there shakin' 'cos I fraid'a Mista. He always beat me an' whup me. He never let me get any mail outta the mailbox, an' now I gone killed tha dawg!

Jonathan: ... Tuesday - Binky was there, carrying a dead dog under his arm.

Paul: "If I'm not mistaken" said Holmes, "we had this dog last week, didn't we?"

John: Gandalf climed up the mountain and Bodo, the son of Frodo, the Hobo from Yoyo said to him, "No! No! Not a dog, man! Not a dog! Not on top of my Jefferson Airplane albums! Leave 'em alone, man!"

[edit] Annie the Orphan Get Your Rifle

Ron West - Kurt Vonnegut Jr.

Sandi Toksvig - Enid Blyton Sr.

Tony Slattery - Marquis de Sade - "translated into Norwegian".

Rory McGrath - Desmond Morris III

Ron: Annie was a veteran of the Second World War and had a small house in Manchester, and so consequently was able to travel in time at will. She found herself in the court of Louis XVI. She sat down in a chair and it immediately broke. This put her in trouble with the palace guard.

Sandi: She was in quite a lot of trouble. Yes she had travelled with will but Will hadn't got permission from his mother to be out. Well, this looked very bad, so she talked to her dog Timmy. "Hello, Timmy" she said, and then she was arrested for being a bit of a lunatic.

Tony: (slaps himself) Mmmm... Annie, your dog, Timmy, loose yourselves from the conventions of bourgeois morality. Saw your own leg off and hit me with it!

Rory: With an expression like this... (stretches the sides of his mouth and waggles his tongue) ...which is very similar to the exotic vaginal display of the blue-fannied baboon of Kutchumpura...

Ron: ...Which was so indicative of Annie herself.

Sandi: Annie had never seen a baboon with a blue fanny before.

Tony: Blue no more since it spiralled on my wavering sabre!

Rory: Or the hairy avabluea gorilla which enjoys face-to-face copulation with my ex-wife Marjorie.

[edit] How I Killed My Fairy Godmother

Josie Lawrence - Michelin Guide to Famous Buildings and Landmarks in London

Greg Proops - Jack Kerouac

Jim Sweeney - JRR Tolkien

Tony Slattery - My Little Pony

Josie: I followed my fairy grandmother one day. I hated her guts. She walked across the famous zebra crossing in Abbey Road, well known for being painted by Michelangelo in 1615, and then...

Greg: London was cold and foggy, but it was cool 'cause I was in San Francisco! I was trippin' down the street, (goes into beatnik gibberish) I pulled a reefer out of my pocket the size of a huge black drummer's leg and lit it up...

Jim: Gandalf took the reefer of one and smoked it. Suddenly his voice went all high - (high-pitched voice) "So Frodo, what do you make of this?" (normal voice) Frodo was impressed and a shadow fell upon his face and a chill entered his heart. At that very moment, thousands of people suddenly swarmed on him. They were Orcs, and some were Ringwraiths...

Tony: Some were Ringwraiths but suddenly they turned into gaily brightly coloured little ponies! "Why is everything so garishly coloured?" "It's because we all take methyldexamphetamine sulphate!"

Josie: The little ponies were making a nice little trip to Big Ben, so called because the first politician ever was big and called Benjamin.

Greg: The little ponies were crazy cats, man, little horses with legs that moved to and fro, you couldn't even tell how much, man. They were wild. I saw my fairy godmother there, I broke a wine bottle over her head.

Jim: She was well cheesed off. At that moment, riding on Pixylix was Strider, Aragorn, son of Arathorn. Known to the Hobbits as Big Tall Git with Halitosis!

Tony: Known to the little ponies as Big Pony! I bet you know why...

[edit] She's Gotta Have More Macaroni and Cheese

Mike McShane - The Journals of Lewis and Clark

Mark Cohen - Mario Puzo

Greg Proops - Millie the White House Dog

John Sessions - Ernest Hemingway

Mike: Colonel Meriweather Lewis and I had stocked up on provisions near the Ol' Sage River, for a perilous and trepidation-filled journey across the wide America. Pemekin, beef jerky and assorted niblets were stuffed into our backpacks. The one thing that the Indian priestess, Hanago Haganigawaga, really liked, was...

Mark: The Indian priestess was sleeping in her bed, when all of a sudden Salazo came, and he had the head of a horse. But the horse was made out of chocolate.

Greg: (Growls and scratches behind his ears) He had a horse's head. And he also had a horse's ass! It was Dan Quayle!

John: The river went up and then it went round a bit for an inch or so and then it went down again. Nick looked at the river and checked out the macaroni cheese that was floating down towards him, and the trout, some real fine bitch that she was, with her kagida, that was swimming towards him. Nick figured out that the trees down along the bend were about three inches to the left of where they were the day before and the water was about five inches deeper, but then Hemingway remembered he got something in his pants, and he had to go home and fill it.

Mike: "Strip off your breach cloth, white boy, and show me what makes America so great!", she cried!

Mark: They continued to make mad, passionate love...

Greg: Doggy style!

John: Nick looked at the dog, doing it doggy style with the trout by the water. It was good. It reminded him of Spain, and even Rubber Jordan, even Gary Cooper. But then again, he was unmasculine.

[edit] Death of a Stand-Up Comic

Jim Sweeney - Agatha Christie

Steve Steen - Andrew Morton

Paul Merton - Hello! Magazine

Tony Slattery - The Rhyming Couplets of Rupert Bear

Jim: Inspector Throbmorton surveyed the scene. There lay Charlie Chuckles, he was dead. Miss Marple entered the room. "What do you make of it, Miss Marple?" The frail old lady look at him and said, "I've still got all me own teeth, me!"

Steve: I stopped him throwing himself down the stairs just at the last moment. It could have been so much bad for him...

Clive: "So much bad for him"?

Steve: That's Andrew Morton for you!

Paul: As he came down the stairs, the elegant stairs built in the 17th century were not finished until 1958, he caught my eye and I realised he was a man very much in love, him and Di surely have got a marriage made in heaven.

Tony: Rupert spied his trousers on, much nicer they were than Paul Mert-on's. With this thought in his head he leapt, out of the window then he wept, for he did see along the street, someone who he thought was a bit of a geet!

Jim: "You're babbling, Miss Marple!" said Throbmorton. "You're talking in rhyme! What are you talking about?" "I tell..."

Steve: I'll tell you I was so depressed I threw myself and tried to impale myself on Barbara Cartland's eyelashes but it just didn't work...

Paul: Barbara Cartland, can there be a more respected woman in Great Britain...?

Tony: Barbara Cartland, witch and hag, too much make-up, fascist bag!

(Post-game) Clive: Twenty-seven points each there plus a libel suit against Tony from Barbara Cartland's lawyers.

[edit] Day in the Life of a Nursery School

Jim Sweeney - Lewis Carroll

Steve Steen - Jackie Collins

Tony Slattery - Disembodied head from TV ads for The Sun Newspaper

Mike McShane - Dr. Seuss

Jim: Alice was feeling very flustered. The 5 year olds had just set fire to her feet. It was a perfectly normal Friday but somehow she felt a little stoned. "Don't bogue up that joint fix" said the caterpillar in the corner. "Pass the dutchie on the left hand side".

Steve: The caterpillar was called Blanche Du Celery, and she moved into the sunlight, arching her back and moaning slightly, her proud breasts standing out like pink...

Tony: And you can see them on page 3. There's always more nude caterpillars in the Sun.

Mike Alice said, beyond belief, "I will not smoke that massive spleef. / That massive spleef is so huge, I feel like riding in your luge". / And the caterpillar then, he got in and said "My name is Ben. / Get in my louge and I will fly, we'll fly and then we'll say goodbye".

Jim: Alice suddenly had a screaming attack of the munchies, and the 5 year olds had taken away all her chocolate.

Steve: And then two Dutch lorry drivers came in. One was called Truck van Rental, the other was called Hertz van Hire.

Tony: They stood there playing the Alice Bingo Game, which ...

Mike: "If the game is done, I'd like to leave, my children have left before me I believe," / The caterpillar said "You cannot go, we have to go to the planet Schmo". / So Schmo they went, and Schmo they did, and they found themselves a little kid, / who was part of a group but he was crying, and on his butt were two eggs frying.

[edit] Bartender

[edit] Been dumped by Clive Anderson

Chip: Hey, you've had a couple too many. What's your problem?

Jane: Clive, he's left me.

Chip: I get more women in here with that.

Jane Brucker:

Can you imagine, I want to get high, do you have a joint?

Do you know what I have to do, just to get a point?

Oh I know that my love for him, could never be,

What I've had to do, to win on TV.

Chip Esten:

I know it's sad, when you can't date,

A sexy moderator, with a shiny pate.

The more kind of girls come here, and they're crying in these joints,

Yeah you may have lost him, but I've just lost all my points.

[edit] Angry about constipation

Mike: What can I do for you?

Steve Steen:

I've come in here, I'm in a bit of a flap,

And you look like a helpful chap,

I feel all cornered, like I'm in a trap,

And it's just because I just can't crap.

Mike McShane:

Don't try here, it'll be a big mess,

I'm stuck for a solution, I confess.

I don't want to see you get any meaner,

So here, take this vacuum cleaner.

[edit] Drinking to forget impotence

Mike: So, what's the problem?

Jim Sweeney:

I've got a problem, it's making me sick.

Frankly, I've got a useless dick.

My life it ain't no fun,

Man it's just a real bummer.

Can you help me 'bout my useless dick?

Mike McShane:

Come again? I'm sorry, I'll rephrase that.

I take those problems seriously.

Lack of orgasm can make you deliriously ... upset.

I've got an idea for you, (hands over drink)

Here's a stiff one, that oughta do.

Have yourself another, on the house.

[edit] In love with the barman

Mike: So, you've been coming in here quite a bit. What's up?

Tony Slattery:

I'm the bacon and you're my chips.

I'd like to shipwreck in those standy-out nips.

You are the centre of my life,

If you weren't a big butch man, I'd ask you to be my wife.

Mike McShane:

You know a lot of people say strange things,

But very few of them get through to my heart strings.

I've put up a front for, oh so long.

But the burning in your eyes is oh so strong!

You've seen through me! (throws the towel, glass and bottle to the floor)

Then do me!

Right here!

(Mike lies face down on the bar, Tony goes to climb onto him)

[edit] Drinking to forget his wardrobe

(Ryan is wearing a bright orange shirt)

Mike: Don't mess with the Neon Love Chicken!

Greg: Who ordered pumpkin?

Ryan: Shut up! Everybody shut up!

Clive: It's the Stiles tartan! I wish I hadn't said that...

Mike: What's got you down in the mouth, huh?

Ryan Stiles:

People say things to me that really make me hurt

Sometimes they complain and joke about my shirt

I'm not sure if it's some other joke that I've missed

People make fun of me because I wear fashions from Sunkist!

Mike McShane:

I know you got problems, I can say

It's a bright shirt, but what the hey!

You're lookin' healthy, believe you and me

With the shirt like that you must be getting your Vitamin C

I tell you baby, keep it alive-a

Dip your shirt in this vodka and have a screwdriver!

[edit] In love with an inflatable pig

(As Tony gets up) Mike: Sorry, we're closed!

Mike: I haven't seen you around here for the last couple of weeks. What's going on, Tony?

Tony: They've been difficult times. Shall I tell you about it?

Mike: Lay it on me, brother!

Tony Slattery:

I've got a problem, I'd like to report

When I see Porky Pig, my pants distort!

Oh yeah, you know what I mean

When I see that porker, I spill my seed

You know, animals are my ilk

I spray them with man-milk

I go, oh yeah, Porky you're the one

For me! (snorts like a pig)

Mike McShane:

I've heard all around town

How you've been throwin' down

Hanging out at that late night cottage

Indulging in some porcine frotage

Well you gotta get away from that

It's gonna ruin you and your name, you bad cat

I say don't do you no harm

Go get yourself a nice place on the farm

But remember, above all

Doing too much pork raised cholesterol!

[edit] In love with teddy bears

Josie: (Hands over a drink) Here you go.

Ryan: Thank you. It's not alcohol is it?

Josie: No, just apple juice.

Ryan Stiles

I've got a friend, he's kind of new

He likes me and I don't know what to do.

He talks to me and sometimes he begs,

It's hard to turn down that furry little thing between my legs!

Josie Lawrence:

You really are a very silly fellow

Teddies shouldn't go down below, they should remain on the pillow

If you keep putting him there he'll get all nasty and wet

So don't keep doing it, just use a neighbour's pet!

(Josie looks embarrassed at what she's just sung!)

Clive: Does the expression of "teddy bear" bear a different meaning in America?

[edit] Angry about his middle name

(As Tony approaches the bar) Josie: (Sarcastically) Oh this'll be a clean one!

Clive: Angry about his middle name, that's a very good suggestion for this game...

Tony: I am actually, it's Declan!

Clive: Well you can bring some of that into the song if you want...

Josie: Come on, drink that, calm down!

Tony: I can't calm down, I'm too angry!

Josie: What about?

Tony Slattery:

I've got a middle name and I feel malicious! Yeah!

'Cos my parents called me Patricious!

This middle name, it's such a heavy load

But when I say it I feel my testicles explode!

Josie Lawrence:

You've been drinking far too much, make sure you don't get in a car

And remember it's not the name your mum and daddy gave you that matters, it's the person inside who you are!

So be proud Patricious! Come on, take my flattery!

It's much better than being called Tony Slattery! (Tony spits his drink across the bar)

[edit] Drinking to forget his tax demand

Greg: Hi, Chip!

Chip: Hey, what's the matter, huh?

Greg: Well, I... my mind is all full of things

Chip: Tell me one.

Greg Proops:

I made a lot of cash this year, you could say that I am rich.

But now they want all my money 'cause the government is a bitch.

I wish I'd paid as I went along, I guess that I'm just a nut, but,

Now they want it all, I guess they're gonna bite me in the butt.

Chip Esten:

Ohh... that's kinda sad, (Greg: Yeah!) they should carry you out on a gurney,

When you get so reamed by that old tax attorney,

But what you can do, if I can be so bold to guess,

Is drive a car bomb into the IRS!

[edit] In love with dogs

Ryan: Hey Chip!

Chip: Hi!

Ryan Stiles:

You know lately, life really stinks.

Open up that bottle and keep pouring the drinks.

My wife died about an hour ago,

Didn't want her to but that's the way it is you know.

But I figured, hey, why sit around and grieve her?

I've got a dog at home, I'm in love with my retriever.

Chip Esten:

That's kind of funny, on valentines,

You send a card to your canine.

And then when you're in your house, you're not there all alone,

'Cause your girlfriend can fetch a bone!

[edit] Angry about a jacket

Tony: Look at my face! Is this an angry face?

Chip: That's an angry face!

Tony: Shall I tell you why?

Chip: Tell me!

Tony Slattery:

I went to a store, I spent a lot of bucks! (Chip: Bucks!)

I came out with this, and boy does it suck! (Chip: Suck!)

But the most important thing, and this is what I'd like to share,

I hate this jacket 'cause it's made of bits of Lionel Blair.

Chip: I'll tell you what.

Tony: What?

Chip Esten:

Man you got reamed, when you went into that store,

They said it was velvet, but it's only cheap velour.

That salesman's good, that boy he is no slouch,

He ripped that sucker right off his old couch.

[edit] Annoyed about being jilted

Mike: That's the fifth one.

Colin: Oh, I'm annoyed.

Mike: You're annoyed, huh? What're you annoyed about?

Colin Mochrie:

Let me tell you what happened to me,

As I entered matrimony,

The girl that I loved, just left.

It wouldn't bother me ordinarily,

But... la la la lee lee,

What can I do, I'm so annoyed, oh-oyed, oh-oyed.

Mike McShane:

You know sometimes words won't do,

Instead you gotta say habadascabwoob wabada woo,

You've gotta move on to greener pastures some day. (Colin: Whoah ho, like a cow!)

It's greener on the other side,

And listen buddy, I'm a bartender, I'd never lie,

So get out and find another fish in the sea today. (Colin: Hey hey!)

Hey hey! (Colin walks back to his seat)

Hey, pay for your fucking drink!

[edit] In love with cats

Mike: (picking hair off Tony) Where in the hell have you been?

Tony Slattery:

I've got a passion, from which I will not be swerved. Aha.

I'm like Mrs Slocombe from 'Are You Being Served?'. Wha ha.

You may think that I'm some kind of wussy,

But I can't get enough of daily pussy.

I'm in love, in love with my feline friends. Wha ha ha.

Mike McShane:

You've got a problem, a problem on your hands.

I can smell it, it's those kitty love glands.

You've been working overtime in the bowl,

Doing the fur jelly roll.

You gotta knock off, knock off the stray pussy.

[edit] Celebrating being invited to the Queen's Garden Party

Mike: A nice summery day, huh?

Ryan: (Depressed) Yeah.

Mike: Hey, what's got you down? You should be the happiest guy in the world!

Ryan Stiles:

I got some kind of extraordinary news today.

A special person's called me over, for a little play.

She's the best one that I've ever seen,

Unfortunately it's not that same queen,

That you're thinking 'bout... this girl's name is Roy.

Mike McShane:

Queen Roy is quite a queen. (Ryan: Aha!)

The toughest queen that you've ever seen. (Ryan: Whoah ho ha!)

But her parties are legendary. (Ryan: Really?)

There's naked men on a trapeze,

Nicholas Parsons covered in cheddar cheese,

Swingin' from the balcony chandeliers. (Ryan: Sounds like it's great!)

You're just in time for the vomit fountain of beer! (Ryan runs off to be sick)

[edit] In love with a television set

Mike: So what seems to be the problem?

Ryan Stiles:

I'm afraid I've got a little bit of trouble, I've caught VD

I had unprotected sex with my TV

He swooned me, talked to me, told me his love fable

Before I knew it I was yanking on his big TV love cable!

Mike McShane:

Too many channels, so little time

Love for TV surely must not be a crime

When you're surfing with a wand in your hand

You're riding on the waves and baby, don't you feel grand?

But you'd better back off, that much more

Or your thumb will get flicking sores!

You won't be able to keep it up

Your fervent wish

Is use safe sex when you use the dish!

[edit] Celebrating loss of virginity in Spain

Greg: Buenos nachos!

Niall: Hey, welcome to the bar, would you like some tortillas? Oh no, that's Mexico, who cares. I've been around you know.

Greg: You certainly have. I'm in a good mood tonight.

Niall: Oh yeah?

Greg: I have much to celebrate! (bangs chair on floor)

Niall: Watch the floorboards, buster!

Greg Proops:

Late last night I had a plan.

I would go home with my first woman.

I got her home, she was beguiling.

And when I was done, she was smiling.

I took off her capa, and revealed, (Niall: Hai yai yai yai yai yai!)

A secret so surprising that I squealed. (Niall: {Clap clap clap clap clap})

The senorita was no woman:

But, was TV presenter Clive Anderson!

Clive: I remember it well.

Greg: He was so, so gentle, so nice.

Niall: You're sure it was Clive Anderson?

Greg: I can't be mistaken. His head glowed!

Niall Ashdown:

It was him!

You are the luckiest man alive, (Greg: Don't I know?)

Now that you've gone to bed with Clive. (Greg: Whoa ho.)

Do not worry that it was ineffectual,

And the fact that Clive's heterosexual,

Doesn't matter about the failing of your plan, (Greg: My plan!)

When you look like you, you've got to get it where you can!

[edit] Props

Mike: [holding a slimy-looking blue blob] If you loved me, you'd swallow it.

Sandi: I love you, I swallowed it, here's the result.

---

Mike: (holding a tombstone-shaped piece of foam) Ebenezer Scrooge! Look upon this tombstone! Whose name does it say?

Denalda: Yours!

---

Stephen: (dances with hairy object) I know darling, but over there is a man with no hair at all

Colin (uses same object) Oh, sorry, one of your eyebrows fell off.

---

Steve: (holding ball attached to string on forehead) Hello, I'm an extra on Doctor Who

Mike: (does the same) Hello, I'm an extra on Eldorado, they're desperate.

---

Mike: (holding long pole near crotch area) Hello, and welcome to Clive's dream.

---

(Colin is holding three circles stacked on top on one another)

Ryan: Mirror, mirror on the wall...

Colin: Shut up! You're ugly!

---

(Ryan is wearing an oversized cone covering most of his body)

Colin: Today on Donahue, Anorexic witches.

[edit] Interview

[edit] Snow White

Sandi Toksvig (Snow White) is interviewed by Tony Slattery (from a rock magazine)

Tony: So is it true you, er, you, er, sort of went to bed with each Dwarf in turn? Or is that just light gossip?

Sandi: Well I think it's fair to say I've loved each Dwarf individually, in their own special little way.

Tony: Are they very little in every way?

Sandi: Well, certainly Grumpy not very big, and I think that's what makes him quite so grumpy. but Happy has got a real way with him.

Tony: But that's just coke, presumably.

Sandi: Well yes, sometimes we have Coca-Cola and then sometimes we have crisps, and that's a really jolly time!

Tony: I bet you have 7-Up as well! I mean it's hearsay, I mean, do tell me what happened in the Château Marchmand, I mean, you know?

Sandi: Well we went in first, we played with the little animals, and we laid out our picnic, and then we shagged senselessly!

Clive: Last question, Tony.

Tony: Oh, and finally, I just wanted to know what precisely is, 'cos there've been rumours. (sniff) your relationship (pretends to snort a line) with the, er, with the Wicked Witch?

Sandi: Well, it's not been carnal, but we do like to do it looking in the mirror!

[edit] World's Worst

[edit] Person to comfort somebody on their deathbed

• Rory: Hello, I'm Desmond Wilcox, we're filming a documentary...

• Archie: Well Mr. Sampson, erm... of course you only have 20 hours to live. Listen, we'd like to ask a favour. Some of the interns need experience in giving an enema. Would you mind...?

• John: (American accent) Uncle Jack! It's Tommy, I've come all the way from California, I'm hitching round Europe. Is it okay when you're dead if I can sleep in your bed 'cos there's nowhere to sleep round here, okay?

• Jimmy: Well, look on the bright side, Terry - I mean at least you won't have to watch England in the next bleedin' World Cup, will ya?

• Archie: Well there's good news and some bad news. The bad news is you only have six hours to live. The good news is though, you've won the Irish Sweepstakes! 23 million dollars!

• John: (Mimics tickling the patient) Are you ticklish? You're ticklish aren't ya? I bet you are!

• Rory: David Johnson, BBC News. How does it feel to be dying?

• John: You haven't seen Star Wars? Oh well, Ben Kenobi, erm, arrives back on the planet...

• Jimmy: I bet you feel stupid about being a bloody atheist now, don't you eh?

• John: (Irish accent) One last song before you die - (sings) I met a girl who sang a song that had ninety-five verses to go!

• Archie: Look dad, I know with male chauvinism and all that, how men aren't supposed to be able express themselves emotionally, well... I just wanted to tell you that... I (chokes)... I think you're a son of a bitch! You took every chance I had away!

• Rory: So don't forget... If you ever need life insurance, here's the card!

• Jimmy: Fuck me, you look terrible!

[edit] Person auditioning for Romeo and Juliet

Paul: So, uh, this Juliet's 15 in it, is she?

John: But, soft! What light breaks from yonder window? I'm left looking an arsehole, she's up there in the window! (buzz) She goes around in tights, I'm left standing here, and there's been an eruption!

Jonathan: But how old do you see Romeo as?

John: Oh, I suppose that in 1958, I was doing it last. But I think it's a way, a way that... (buzzer)

Jonathan: But I see it as a natural progression from everything I've been doing. I mean, MacBeth, Hamlet, Lear...

Josie: Oh yes, I think I'd be just right for the part, actually. I mean "Shak-es-peare" is my favorite writer.

John: (sticks ears out) It's not about being handsome, it's about being passionate!

[edit] Person to go on a blind date with

• Rory: (picks his nose) I'm not picking my nose, I'm just trying to kill a cockroach that got stuck up there

• Tony: (speaks emotionless) Hello, you must be Debbie, wanna go for an indian? (stiffs loudly)

• Tony: Hello Peter, I'm Tony. Does it matter if you were expecting a woman?

• Tony: Hello, you must be Debbie... Bloody Hell! No one told me you had the face of a dog's bum!

• Rory: Hope you don't mind, I brought my husband and kids along

• John: Do you know the poetry of Rod McEuen? It goes... (buzzed)

• Rory: I haven't thought of one. I just need the exercise

• Jonathan: I just want to say I did lots, but they were all edited out.

[edit] Person to be President of the United States

• Griff: (American accent) Hi, I'm George Bush.

• Richard: Hi, I'm Michael Dukakis.

• Paul: (American accent) I, Lee Harvey Oswald...

• Richard: (Russian accent) Wait a minute, don't be put off by the funny blemish on my head...

• Griff: Hi, hi, I'm Mike Smith, I'm running for president!

• Richard: Hi! I'm Earl Jones of Earl Jones Ford! I've sold more Fords than anybody in Texas! I could correct our trading balances like that!

• Paul: President Bernard Manning 'ere...

• John: (as Matthew Corbett with Sooty) Hello, so here he is, and he's got.. Sooty, Sooty, don't touch the boiled egg. No, don't... don't touch... No! (wipes his eye) Bye-bye, everybody. Bye-bye.

• Richard: (as Sylvester Stallone) Yo, I think I was so successful with the Rambo films, I deserve a chance to lead the country because I look good with muscle oil on.

• Griff: (to camera) I'm a bad actor too.

• John: (as Griff) Hello, I'm Griff, so if you're gonna assasinate him you've got two of us!

[edit] Way to greet the Royal Family

• John: (speaks middle-class) Hello, you're still living in the fifties, how extraordinary, cigarette?

• Stephen: Whop some skull on that bit! (after mixed response from audience) I didn't say that, I'm sorry.

• Enn: You look taller on Spitting Image!

• John: Yeah, funny what happened to the Roman officers, blood everywhere! Down in this basement... really sad.

• Stephen: That reminds me, I must buy a stamp.

• Enn: No we have met before actually, it was at the Wigmore Club, wasn't it?

• Josie: Sorry, your majesty, I won't curtsey if you don't mind. I have a cold and I'm dripping from every orifice.

• John: Is it true that you do breathe and don't go to the toilet, or is it the other way around?

• Enn: Your Majesty. (bows and farts loudly)

• Stephen: They're just a middle class German family, aren't they?

[edit] Thing to say at a wedding

• Josie: He loves me, you know!

• Mike: She's great, huh? (chuckles suggestively)

• Paul Rider: Your future wife is ugly!

• Greg: Um, does anyone know the vows? 'Cos I've misplaced my papers today...

• Mike: I just wanna tell you Lisa, that Tom will be a very good husband. I know.

• Josie: Oh, that nylon wedding dress looks lovely. Do you sweat a lot in it?

• Greg: God I'm glad to be gettin' rid of that little bitch, she's been sponging off me for years!

• Mike: You're wearing that!?

• Paul Rider: (stretches out the skin on his neck) I've swallowed the wedding invitation!

[edit] Person to lead soldiers into battle

Sandi: (covers eyes) It's that way!

Ryan: Who did I give the bullets to?

Tony: (Screams wildly)

Ryan: (looks away) Okay, let's get ready (looks at camera) you guys look great!

Sandi: Before we go, I thought we would have a quick curry.

Ryan: Remember, just the Germans. No frogs. (sticks tongue out like a frog)

Sandi: It's not as bad as they say, there are more of them, but we've got the gun!

[edit] Thing to say or do to someone in hospital at Christmas

Tony: Chief Superintendent, you've got some visitors - it's the Kray twins!

Sandi: We had the most marvelous time, it was such a shame you were banged up, we went to this party, we went to that party, we've been so drunk and... erm...

Josie: (as a child) Hello granny, I've got a new song! (sings, out of tune as a child) The sun'll come out tomorrow...

Greg: If you die can I have your presents?

Mike: Hi, how are you feeling? Look, I wanna get a couple of pictures for the kids as you won't be there for the Christmas party, now smile!

Josie: Awww you're in traction are you? (pulls on the traction pulley)

Tony: What's this drip do? (takes drip out and fluid squirts everywhere)

Paul: Yes, I was doctor who operated on you, I seem to have lost a pair of scissors somewhere...

Mike: Hello, my name's Eric, I'm the Enema Elf, let's see the South Pole!

[edit] Thing to say or do at a funeral

• Ron: I don't know the deceased, but I don't think that will prevent my duties as vicar from being done here today. So, what was the cat's name?

• Sandi: He was such a nice man, his last words to me were "I'm coming darling!" That was so nice... Oh you're his wife...

• Ron: Mrs. Smithers, er... he owed me £10, if you could see your way clear...

• Tony: Dearly beloved, bretheren, ashes to ashes, oh this is too dreary, we'll do something else. (dances) Yes sir, I can boogie...

• Rory: Er, Mrs. Perkins, before your husband plummeted off the 200-foot block of flats and got his head caught on the spikes on the railings, did he mention my Procol Harum album?

• Sandi: Hi, I'm from the insurance company, I'm afraid the claim doesn't look at all good...

• Ron: (drunkenly) Happy New Year!

• Tony: Mrs. Johnson, I know your husband would have wanted me to tell you that he thought were a faithless, talentless cow!

• Rory: Tickets please, tickets please... It's a what? A funeral! Oh sorry, I thought it was a bus!

• Ron: (pops out of the coffin) Surprise! I'm not dead!

[edit] Person to be trapped in a lift with

• Mike: (gruffly) Can you go and get that button for me, I just had a hell of a curry dish...

• Josie: (says slowly) Oh dear, we're stuck. I've just been out to buy a carving knife!

• Tony: (screams wildly)

• Paul: Hello, my name's John Sessions! (Clive: Oh, please!)

• Mike: That was a great party, It's moving right...? (looks nauseous)

• Tony: I'm sorry my waters are breaking! AARGH!!

• Paul: Do you mind if I bring the pigs in with me, do you?

• Josie: Whoops! Never mind, lucky I've got my cassette deck and my Bros tapes!

• Tony: Look, the thing to do is not panic. Let's just keep out sprits up (sings) Kumbaya my Lord...

• Mike: Looks like the elevator's stuck for a little while (chuckles suggestively)

• Paul: Yes, that's right, Hitler's the name, what about it?

• Josie: (acts like an old woman) I suppose we could always take our clothes off and have sex

[edit] Entertainment Act

Mark: I'm gonna juggle my boogers.

Tony: Hello. I like to entertain my singing songs. (sings badly) Betcha bygolly, wow...

Josie: Watch me do now the inner dance movement motion of my inner organs.

Mark: Now the Star-Spangled Banner. (tries to make armpit noises)

Mike: Next, Alonzo and his Giant Tongue will lick everybody in Albert Hall!

Tony: Now the clapping man. (claps)

Mike: I would like to now do my imitations of famous Phoencian poets.

Josie: This poem is a little more light-hearted. (buzz)

Mark: I will now chew my nails into all the Disney characters.

Tony: Great moments in history. Number 1, the parting of the Red Sea. (unzips trousers)

[edit] Person to be a Superhero

• Mike: Don't worry, Flatulence Man will save you!

• Colin: Ah a phone booth! (tries to get into the phone booth but the door is jammed)

• Tony: You're safe, it's Ballet Man! (does a flying ballet jump)

• Sandi: *Squelch* Hello, I'm Incontinence Woman! (crosses eyes)

• Colin: Don't worry, it's me, Salmon Man! (writhes on the floor like a fish)

• Mike: Don't, feck off! I, Captain Forgetful will help you... Where's my costume? WHERE'S MY COSTUME!?

• Sandi: Listen I really wanna save you but the baby's due any minute...

• Tony: You will not burn down the Forth Bridge! Not faced with Mime-O-Tron! (acts like a bad mime artist)

[edit] Person to Captain a Submarine

• Greg: I hope no-one else has claustrophobia!

• Mike: WHERE ARE THEY? WHERE ARE MY GLASSES!? (Mike has his back to his camera and his glasses are on the back of his head!)

• Tony: Come on everybody! Don't get depressed because we're 8,000 feet under! (sings) We're in the long bit metal pointy thing...

• Sandi: Well it's not a problem, you just pull down the periscope. You just pull... (tries jupming to reach it but cannot due to her short height)

• Mike: (holding his nose) I'd like to tell the mess sergeant that we will not be having curry again this week...

• Greg: No, I don't mind that the bunks are so close...

• Tony: (shrugs his shoulders) Hello, I'm your new captain, I'm Clive Anderson!

[edit] Idea for a Television Programme

• Mike: Hi, this week on the Home Surgery Network, we have a fantastic deal, spleens...

• Mark: This is Bob Dylan's Speech Class!

• Greg: Hello, and welcome to the Disney Channel's Snuggles the Loveable Python!

• John: (as a boring Englishman) Hello. On the show today, what we'd like to do for an hour is to count all the threads in this rug.

• Mark: All right, welcome to Amputee Hour! Our first contestant...

• Mike: Hello, PBS is proud to announce Joseph Campbell's "Chickens in the Age of the Aegean Civilization."

• John: (American accent) Hi, my name's Tommy and I'm gonna teach you how to talk Cockney. Here's an example of Cockney. (bad Cockney accent) Whatcha mate, gosh isn't it foggy? (American accent) See you next week!

• Mark: Welcome to Cannibal Cooking!

• Mike: Hello, I'm Tommy, and you're watching Aerobics For The Listless.

[edit] Person to perform an operation on you

• Stephen Frost: (drunkenly) Let's go for a kebab first!

• Tony: I've done thousands of appendectomies (starts shaking violently) Don't worry, I'll...

• Jim: (also drunkenly) Where's the patient then?

• Steve Steen: (as a Thunderbirds character) Hold still, you won't feel a thing!

• Stephen: (as a karate black belt) Hwahh!!

• Jim: (as a blind person) Where's the patient?

• Tony: *Burp* Go on then... (holds nose before emptying his nasal contents into the patient)

• Steve: Now ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, I'm going to saw the patient in half right now.

• Stephen: (as someone from Blue Peter) And here's a patient, I.. cut up.. later. Earlier!

• Tony: I'm terribly sorry, I'm not the surgeon... I'm a xylophonist! (plays xylophone on the patient's ribs)

• Jim: Nah I'll be alright, might be a bit shaky, I mean after I lost the last one they left me off this for a long time...

• Steve: (sticks his hands into the patient) I'm glad you're here, 'nuff cold out!

[edit] Person to visit you in the hospital

Brad: What are all these hoses for?

Ryan: Uh, I'm not sure, but I think you're going to have to leave your sickle outside.

Greg: Here, Grandpa, have some hard candy.

Colin: So your wife's home all alone?

Brad: I've put a lovely lace doily on your bedpan.

Ryan: Uh, Phil, what are you going to be doing with your stereo?

Greg: What do you think of this epitaph?

Brad: My dad died of the same thing.

Colin: About that ten bucks you owe me...

Ryan: Uh, I work for the airlines. Could we have the food your not finished with?

Greg: Time for your sponge bath.

[edit] Person to take confession

• Greg: Tell me again, except this time, go slower! (Greg stands to one side as though he is attempting to hide an erection)

• Tony: That is an appalling crime, my son, for which the punishment is this - you have to be in the studio audience of Kilroy!

• Colin: (nods before removing his headphones) Pardon?

• Ryan: No, no, go ahead... (growls, swivels head and rolls eyes like he's possessed)

• Greg: Yes, these booths are really close, is that Paco Rabanne? It's a lovely cologne...

• Colin: ... Done it ...

• Tony: Yeah, oh stuff that! Pop down the shops and get me twenty Rothmans.

• Ryan: No, no, I'm listening! How do you like your burger?

• Greg: You'll have to pardon me, I just dropped acid before I got here!

• Tony: Carry on - Baa! - Ssh, be quiet!

• Ryan: Everything's "you you you!" What about me?

[edit] Things to say before or during sex

• Ryan: Oh Ryan! Ryan!

• Josie: (laughs maniacally) Sorry... (laughs maniacally again)

• Russell: Well, Vanessa... Philippa! Sorry...

• Ryan: Cap'n! The Injuns can't take much more of this!

• Greg: Twenty bucks? Well, seeing as how you are a member of the Royal Family...

• Ryan: The Chunnel is open for business!

• Greg: I know what you like, pumpkin - I'm wearing the Clive Anderson mask!

• Ryan: ("sings") Yo-ho, we're going down! We're going down...

• Russell: (as Quasimodo) I think my hump has burst!

• Josie: No, stop! I haven't videoed Neighbours!

• Greg: Who ordered Hot Stud Bucket?

• Ryan: And.... 3 minutes 52 seconds!

[edit] Nature Show

• Tony: As we can see, on the plains... they're shagging, they're shagging!

• Greg: Tonight on the "World of man", we explore human procreation, with me and my wife. Get ready... (Clive: Alright then)

• Colin: ...Now, how do we put the leopard back together?

• Greg: These are the rarest beetles in the world. [loud crunch] ... These were the rarest beetles in the world.

• Tony: What we do to these charming chi-uha-uhas is to set fire to them

• Ryan: (back to the camera) baa! (looks at camera suspiciously)

[edit] Person to sit next to on a plane

Josie: We're going to crash, we're going to crash, we're gonna crash!

Colin: (looks suspiciously) Tick, tick, tick, tick...

Josie: Let's see how long it takes to suck out boiled sweets.

Greg: (drunk) I've been drinking with the pilot for hours.

Ryan: Some guy's been drinking with me for hours!

Colin: (pukes in barf bag after barf bag)

Greg: Hey. You ever been to Cuba before?

Josie: I've got a tub of margarine in my bag.

Colin: (pretends to open window and stick his head out)

Greg: Deodorant? No, I don't believe in...

Ryan: I've got lots of margarine down my pants!

Josie: Poem number 80...

Ryan: (old) You know, I used to build these things.

Colin: (singing) Luck be a lady tonight, everybody! Luck be a lady tonight...

[edit] Person to audition for Hamlet

• Mike: (as a stand-up comic) Hey-hey! Alright, here's one! The king comes in you know, he's been sleeping with his mother, and it really upset...

• Jim: I think it needs some lightening up, maybe Hamlet could have a song (sings) Oh, to be, to be or not to be, that is the question...

• Steve: Is it set in Denmark, 'cause I don't have a passport?

• Tony: (very camp) I'm Danny La Rue, I've been in the business forty years!

• Mike: Here, just let me get the tights on, Frank, woah! (falls over)

• Jim: Basically, he's a man on the edge. I know how he feels... (twitches, then giggles manically)

• Steve: (Spanish accent) ¡Si, my contract with Eldorado has just finished!

• Tony: Tobe, or not tobe...

• Steve: (as John Major) To be or not to be? That's a good question, a fair question and one which I intend to deal with..

[edit] Weather reporter

Stephen: It's pissing down out there.

Tony: Hello, my name's Michael Fish.

Ryan: (does an Indian chant)

Colin: (pretends to stick his hand out the window)

Tony: Somedays, it will be hot (pants). Somedays it will be cold, brrr. There will be wind. (blows)

Ryan: (acting like a stoner) Word is there's gonna be some acid rain over the weekend.

Stephen: And if the piece of string moves, it's going to be very windy.

Ryan: Put your hand out the window. Feel wet? Well, it might be raining then.

Colin: Well, let's check with the weather snake. It's cold out there!

Ryan: Things will be heating up over the week. Much like that bitch who took me for everything I had!

Tony: (very high voice) Welcome to the weather forecast on GMTV.

[edit] Person to sit next to during an exam

• Tony: (spits water out)

• Tony: (shouts) Stop looking at my papers!

• Stephen: This one's pretty difficult, but I'll be better at the French oral.

• Ryan: I'll never pass this test. Yes, you will. No, I won't!

• Tony: No! Let's rebel against the bourgeois exam system!

• Colin: (pretends he's typing on a typewriter)

• Ryan: (pretends to blow up a doll) Sit next to me.

[edit] Person to be President of the world in an intergalactic crisis

Tony: (imitating Jimmy Krankie) Ohh Fandabidozi!

Rory Bremner: (imitating Ronald Reagan) Will you give me another go?

Tony: Ladies and gentlemen, Richard Nix... oh dear!

Clive: Topical now, it'll be great in six months time...

Tony: He'll still be dead!

Mike: Would you trade this universe for a big box powder?

Rory: (imitating Nick Ross) At 10 o'clock last night, the universe was destroyed. Were you in the area?

Josie: (northern accent) Would anybody like a cup of tea?

Rory: (imitating Clive) All right, so I'd like you to form a government in the sort of, erm, in the style of, erm, well something, erm...

Tony: The universe is facing a time of crisis. Now, with the opportunity to learn some very basic jazz dance! (dances across the stage)

[edit] Things for a doctor or surgeon to say

Tony: (spits water into hands)

Greg: Is this gerbil yours?

Tony: We use a gentle anasthetic here (sings) Go to sleep

Ryan: I have to say Mr Johnson, your wife is one hot looking babe

Colin: Now, the penis is the droopy thing, right?

Clive: (in response to Colin) Usually.

Greg: Am I taking something in, or pulling something out?

Ryan: With friends like these, who need enemas?

Ryan: (mimes performing an operation) Excuse me (quietly sings) the knee bones connected to the (inaudioable speech)

[edit] Person to go on Holiday with

Ryan: Oh look at that lush green valley. It looks like... looks like two legs. Two legs spread wide open. Not just any legs, mind you. But hard, wooden legs that just go: Hey, hey, hey (Clive buzzes) Thank You, Clive.

[edit] Person to be a cub scout leader

Mike: Now what you do is you take these plants here, and you let them dry. Gimme the skins!

Greg: (Menacingly) What do you mean you kids don't want to hike across the desert? You're all going!

Ryan: (Mimes shoveling) Oh, you kids shouldn't be up this time of night!

Tony: Okay, children, pay attention. The first rule of cub scouting is you must - must - learn to accept pain.

Mike: Well, actually, Jimmy, I got this merit badge for drowning my wife.

Ryan: (Stoned) 'kay, we've put a little something special in all the cookies we're gonna sell this year.

Mike: Well, that looks like I ate everything and drank all the water, and we're, what, about 50 miles from any place?

Greg: I spent all night making those frilly pink uniforms, and I expect you boys to wear them!

Ryan: And as you can see when we connect all of Billy's pimples, we get something that looks like a sail boat!

Mike: ...and each of their bodies were found horribly mutilated with their skin pulled up over their head. Good night.

Greg: (Growls and walks like a Bigfoot-type monster before taking his mask off) Did I scare anyone?

Ryan: (crouches down) ...and now we, er, look for some leaves!

[edit] Advert

• Stephen: Carling Black Label gets you pissed!

• Stephen: Oh, and it pays rather well as well!

• Tony: Hey, these new homoeopathic perfectly natural tranquillizers really (mimics being shot several times)

• Stephen: Panty liners for men!

• Ryan: A man's soap... so I can't use it!

• Colin: Porkie's - the biscuit that tastes like a pig!

• Ryan: Jimmy's patent leather shoes. They'll fit up your ass!

• Colin: Many people think it's in bad taste to advertise for an insane asylum, but COME ON DOWN! WE'RE GOING CRAZY!!! (walks towards the camera flailing his arms around)

• Ryan: Dr. Phillips' Circumcisions - 30 minutes or less, or it's free!

• Stephen: You take how many dildos in the shower?

• Tony: Four.

• Stephen: (Spreads hand over his balding head) Wigs 'r' Us!

• Ryan: Johnson's Sperm Bank - you're in good hands.

• Stephen: Unsightly stains? Well use the toilet paper properly!

[edit] Person to Sleep with

Caroline: Hello, my name's Clive Anderson.

Ryan: Have you ever met my friend Mr Tricky?

Colin: Baa!

Ryan: (bored) That's the best sex I've ever had. No really, you're the king...

Colin: And after you've shaved my back, I want you to get the cherry whip ... no need.

Caroline: Are you in yet, Darren?

Ryan: You know, what's really weird is that I've noticed in the mirror on the ceiling that I have no reflection.

Tony: Do you mind using marmalade as a lubricant?

Colin: No, you're thinking of my brother Pinocchio. My fingernails just grow.

Tony: Or I could use rubble if you like.

Ryan: I hope you don't mind if I scream my own name.

[edit] Things to see on Television

• Ryan: Well, that looks like me with a guy with a knife behind his- (looks back)

• Mike: Oh baby, oh yeah, oh baby... MOM?!!

• Tony: It's Anne Diamond.

• Mike: It's the OJ Simpson trial, year 2526!

• Greg: My name is John Major and- (buzz)

• Ryan: No I won't turn the channel, Satan.

• Mike: Hi, we're back to the Serial Killers Home Shopping Network, and look at these knives.

• Greg: (talking like an alien) Citizens of Earth, remain in your homes.

• Ryan: (sings) They're nipples, identical nipples... (buzz)

• Greg: (shrugs shoulders like Clive Anderson and gets buzzed)

• Mike: And now, episode 3 of "Corky: Diary Of A Flatulent".

• Tony: Oh, it's that programme where Clive patronises people from around the world.

• Clive: Don't bring Clive James into this.

• Tony: No, I meant Clive Anderson.

• Mike: It's the OJ Simpson trial. Hey, he's being defended by Clive Anderson! Ha Ha!

• Tony: Yes, we're back, and it's round 3 of Saliva Darts. (spits across studio)

[edit] Show business act

Ryan: Ladies and gentlemen, Gary the Spitting Squirrel!

Niall: Hello, and now after my vetrinary practice closed down, here I am, Veto the magic act. Come on, Daisy.

Colin: (pretends to literally smack an eye out)

Greg: Hello, we're microscopic explorers on Clive Anderson's head. (buzz) We're looking for hair follicles. (buzz) No luck so far, but we'll be back in an hour.

Ryan: A, apple. B, brontosaurus. C, cookie. D, dickie. E, elephant. (turns to Clive) F- (buzz)

Greg: Yo, I'm Sylvester Stallone. I'd like to read from (gibberish).

Ryan: Hello, I'm Jerry the Human Sundial!

Colin: I know 180 eskimo words for "snow". Bluppo, footnoy, drappo, bemu, pablu... (buzz)

Ryan: (putting each item in his mouth) A little flour, some eggs, some sugar... (sneezes) Happy birthday to you...

[edit] Things to say to your inlaws

• Colin: I would go out with anyone, but she's closest to my age.

• Ryan: I would like to say Mr. McDonald, Mrs. Mc- Hello!

• Tony: Yes, we have been going out for a long time. I hope you don't mind the hoof marks on her neck, by the way.

• Ryan: I would like to say Mrs. McDonald, Mr. Mc- Hello!

• Tony: The amazing thing about your daughter is that she goes like a bloody steamhammer. She really...

• Ryan: I am totally in love with her and to prove it, I am wearing one of her dresses.

• Colin: Uh, well actually, I'm a variety entertainer. I sing through my buttocks.

• Tony: (In childish voice) When we are married, I want to plant seed in her (buzzer) and make bab- (returns) and make a baby grow out of her tummy.

• Mike: Mr. McDonald, Mrs. McDonald, how are you doing? I'm so sorry to be at your grandmother's funeral- Hello!

• Ryan: Dear Mr. and Mrs. Johnson, I love your daughter so much. I want to have her - coming, they're coming- I want to have...

• Tony: (Shrugs Shoulders) Hello, My name's Clive.

[edit] News/Documentary Outtake

Ryan: (chuckling) Look at the size of that fire.

Greg: These are the rarest beetles in the world... These were the rarest beetles in the world.

Colin: (shouting) IT'S A TIDAL WAVE!

Ryan: That's all for today. We'll see you tommorrow, and I'm not wearing anything from the waist down.

Colin: Quicksand: (begins to sink) is it really a dangerous...

Ryan: Now these sharks are mostly found off the coast of... (acts like his hands been cut off) AAAAH!

Greg: I'm here in the small, strife-torn central American country of Kwanda, where the prositiutes are the cheapest that I have found. What? What?

Colin: Due to our slipping ratings, out next story... (singing) 15 dead in Manitoba, 60 killed...

Rory: And finally, prime minister, um, do I look fat in this?

Ryan: So for the last time, the Russians have launched the missiles, we assume that we have a little over twenty minutes left. Honey, I've never loved you. I've always wanted to sleep with your sister. She's much more attractive than you. To my boss, who's employed me for the past three years, (gives the finger) screw you, screw you! I hate this job, I hate everything about it.

Rory: (kisses Colin) Martin Bashir, BBC, Kensington Palace.

[edit] Joy of Sex Video

Colin: The secret to good sex is making it last... uh-oh.

Greg: There are so many that won't get on the air.... (walks forward) Oh, no, no, no, no, no. (walks back)

Clive: You don't have to stick to members of your own family, Greg.

Rory: I'm Murray Walker. Now look at that! Look at that! Look at that!

Ryan: There's nothing better than sex with loving words and the soft touching and hard driving power, even better with a partner.

Rory: (as Michael Caine) Hello.

Colin: So, once again, let's just go through our foreplay exercises. (shakes his hands)

Greg: When a woman is approaching orgasm, at that time it is appropriate to order a pizza. Now, (buzzer) you're going to want to watch television after...

Ryan: It goes in, it comes out, it goes in, it comes out...

Greg: (acts like a gorilla)

Ryan: Here's a new move a lot of people haven't seen. It's called Rotisserie. (moves his arm around in a clockwise direction)

Greg: (smoking a cigarette) Mornin', kids. This is your old uncle Greg.

Ryan: Hello, I'm Suzy the Vagina.

[edit] Chat-Up (Pick-Up) Line

Ryan: Hi there. You know, I've, uh, got cable.

Greg: You don't sweat much for a fat chick.

Karen: These implants are biodegradable.

Colin: You know, I have wood legs, and I know how to get rid of splinters.

Karen: (Asian accent) I'm looking for a man who can give me a green card.

Greg: You know, when I was a woman, I used to go for guys like me.

Ryan: Sure, I'd like to have sex, but it's hard to find four or five hours during the day.

Colin: Wanna hear a Hoedown?

Ryan: My name's Gary, but my friends call me "Tony the Pony".

Karen: You look just like my dad.

Greg: So, you're the Duchess of York. Wanna go to an all-you-can-eat place?

Colin: You know, I can make love in over one position.

[edit] Television Programme

Ryan: Hello, and welcome to another epsiode of "Bob Breathes". (takes deep breath in)

Greg: (as John Major) Good morning, children, I used to be Prime Minister.

Colin: Alright. Uh, today on "Cooking With Rats"...

Debi: Good afternoon. Welcome to "Do Your Own Appendectomy".

Ryan: (touches his two pointing fingers) Did you do it?

Colin: Today on "Famous Queen Waves": July 15th, 1954. (waves like the Queen)

Greg: Morning everyone, welcome to the Home Suicide Network.

Ryan: Well, that takes care of the second coat. Why don't we sit back and watch it dry?

Colin: How do you make wine from pork? Well, let's find out...

Debi: Alright, children, now that your parents are out of the house, let's smoke some cigarettes.

Colin: (hold testicles) *cough*, *cough*. Now you.

Greg: (shrugs shoulders) Well, I have checked the scores and, sadly, Ryan is the winner. All that remains is for me to thank tonight contestants...

[edit] Television advertisement (with Hats)

Ryan: (chicken mask) Why not eat at Billy's Drive-Through Chicken Stand? It's poultry in motion!

Greg: (large-lensed glasses) (moving hand around) Hello. I have a scientifically formulated skin cream that'll make you look as lifelike as you want to be.

Colin: (witch's hat) Is your head super-pointy?

Greg: (fez) Hello. You may remember me from the Secret Squirrel Show many years ago. Now I'm selling my own line of cosmetics. They're called (buzz) Morocco's Moles. You put them on your face. (buzz) Then you buzz before it's funny.

Ryan: (king tut headdress) Ladies, are you suffering from cramps because you forgot your pyramid?

Josie: (long rubber glove) I wasn't sure about it at first, but once you manage to put the Femedom on, it's easy.

Colin: (clown hat) Here at Wacko's Funeral Parlor...

Greg: (judge wig) Well, I may not be a judge of a lot of things, but I know delicious margarine when I eat it. (buzz) Guilty! It's delicious! The sentence is... toast!

Colin: (winged helmet) It's new with wings.

Josie: (metalworker helmet) You know, acne needn't be a problem.

Ryan: (knight's helmet) At Phil's Hotel, stay three days and get one knight free.

Greg: (police helmet) You know, now that Hong Kong's been given back, there's jobs in the Communist Army for all of us. Come on over. (buzz) Do you like a diet of rice and fish eggs? (buzz) Dou you like marching through the woods 24 hours a day? (buzz) Would you like to share one rifle with everyone in your platoon? Then join. (buzz) Today. (buzz) The buzzing sound you hear is the Capitalists trying to oppress us.

[edit] Self Improvement Video

Stephen: (very nervously) If you're lacking... in... confid...

Colin: When making your own hair

Ryan: You don't need to sing to be the head of the party. Not if you clench your butt right (sticks buttocks out)

Colin: (mimes cutting) You want to have lots of confidence. (sniffs) OKAY!!!

Stephen: If you have a busy life, a busy schedule, you need to be organised. You need one... (searches body)

Colin: You can improve your memory in only fifteen minutes with this book. You can improve your memory in only fifteen minutes with this book.

Brad: So, you're gay and you want to learn the accordion...

Colin: You can improve your memory with this book in only fifteen minutes.

Ryan: Sex can be fun, if you have fun with sex. Next time you climax, why not yell out your own name?

[edit] Body Product ad

Phil: New Nipple Away!

Ryan: Find there are certain parts of your body you just can't reach to clean? Why not try "Midget in a Can"?

Colin: Do you have a big butt and you don't know what to do with it? Well, with this instant slipcover, you have a new piece of furniture!

Greg: How many times have you heard this: "Mom, I'm covered with ocelot juice"? Well now you dont have to worry cause with Feline Away, brush away those unslightly- (buzz)

Ryan: Embarrased by unsightly moles? Why not have fun? Why not turn it into profit? With the new Scripto 500! (pretends to draw on himself) Oh look, it's a sailboat! (buzz) Join the dots, join the warts to make pictures on your body. It's a sailboat!

Phil: If you're like me, you're tired of having arms! They're always in the way!

Colin: I'm Clive Anderson, I used to have no neck. But now, with new Neck Insert, look! (turns his head left and right)

Greg: (shrugs shoulders) Hello, I'm Clive Anderson. I used to have no hair, but look! (points to hair)

Ryan: Having problem with hemmoroids? Why not try our new hemmoroid taxi? (pretends to enter a car) Fairfax and La Brea!

[edit] Song Styles & Duet

[edit] Telephone

Josie Lawrence (in the style of Sondheim):

On my own in my home,

Nowhere to roam.

Just me and my telephone.

What am I gonna do?

When will Harry come and see me and marry me?

Harry, marry me!

Can you hear me sing, Harry?

I just want you to ring, Harry!

Oh my telephone's lonely,

No-one will phone me,

Oh Harry, marry me!

Can you hear me? I'm a believer.

So just pick up your receiver.

John Sessions (Reggae):

(Richard starts playing a reggae tune on the piano)

Is that reggae? Oh, he has it!

With-a-beep-beep-beep,

And-a-bop-bop-bop,

I'm-a-gonna-knock-on-a-telephone-in-a-morning-with-you-baby.

With-a-beep-beep-beep,

I'm-a-gonna-knock-I'm-gonna-go-on-the-telephone-but-not-bloody-British-Telecom-in-the-morning-ma-ma-ma.

Gonna dial-dial-dial-dial,

Make you smile-smile-smile,

In-the-morning-mama-dida-baby-bobba-dial-nine-nine-nine-nine-nine-nine-nine-nine,

On-the-speaking-clock.

Don't-wanna-hear-you-talk,

Yeah-on-the-block.

I-got-you-gonna-beep-bop-ba-da-da-ding-dong-dong.

Round-the-clock-doesn't-have-to-write-any-lyrics-'cause-he-goes-up-and-down-and-all-over-the-place,

It-doesn't-matter-anyway, who-gives-a-toss?

[edit] Television Set

Josie Lawrence (Heavy Metal)

(Richard plays a heavy metal tune on electric guitar. Josie struts around the stage, suggestively sucking the microphone)

Baby, baby, I love you,

Can you hear me sob?

Come and treat me like a television,

Come and twist my knob!

Oh-woah! Aw-ful!

Baby, baby, wanna be your maam,

I think you'll find I'm your favourite programme!

Come on baby, see the screen,

On the telly you can HEAR ME SCREAM!

John Sessions (Folk)

(Richard motions to John there will be no musical accompaniment)

A morning came up, it came round and down,

And the Derry folk outside Derby they came down to the town.

They found an old person with a great big fat sweater,

It was getting much larger, getting better and better,

As he put on his television set.

And danced round the television set,

He danced round the television set,

He drank real ale and a ridiculously long pipe was hanging from his mouth.

His girlfriend her name was Betty,

She changed it into Dandelion Stalk, 'cause she was a wanker like him.

And together they would dance,

Together round the town, living in a time before the Goons were around,

But sometime after the First World War, when the hell was it?

With a sweater going up, and down,

They would turn on the television set, but then switch it off,

Because they were funny old wankers from past,

And round they would go,

And round they would go,

Drinking real ale and living in an England

That never really existed.

Josie Lawrence (Eurovision Song Contest)

Your love really turns me on,

Oh I like it when you twist my dial.

I really love your style.

Oh, I want all your love,

All the love I can get,

Your love for me is like a television set. (Richard stops playing)

And it goes la la la...

I hadn't finished!

[edit] Hosepipe

Mike McShane (Blues)

I've got a garden, in my backyard,

All the dirt is packed, Lord it's mighty hard.

But I get out there, with a big old hose,

And I lay down the liquid, and Lord goodness knows,

The ground it gets wet, and it starts to shake,

And then the loose seeds and flowers they start to make.

I can't get enough of pottering round the yard,

You know I feel so damn good, it gets me hard.

You know my garden is a way to be,

Just turn on the pipe, grab the hose and shake it out 1-2-3,

If you want to get in there, and work me, goodness knows,

Well baby come on over, and remember to bring your hose.

Josie Lawrence (Edith Piaf)

I have walked around these streets, for many years,

Now you see me, I am alone, crying tears, lots of tears.

Oh, my life has been hard, one followed by another swipe,

My tears are falling, my eyes are like a hosepipe.

Pouring out, see them spout,

Why am I always so sad?

Oh I have no regrets,

But my face is always wet.

Oh why did you go away,

José?

[edit] Ironing Board

Josie Lawrence (Reggae)

(Richard plays a reggae tune on an electric guitar)

Don't do it baby, don't do that,

Don't put me on the ironing board and leave me flat,

Don't do it, baby.

I bought the ironing board just the other day.

I was quite overawed with the price I had to pay.

For the ironing board,

Oh-oh, for the ironing board.

I tried to unfold it but it wouldn't move,

I was checkin' it out, I was gettin' in the groove,

I tried the ironing board this, and then the other way,

But the ironing board it would not budge and this is what I say

That it was jammin'!

The ironing board was jammin'!

John Sessions (Leonard Cohen)

(Richard plays a downbeat tune on an acoustic guitar)

I woke up one morning, with an ironing board on my head,

My wife didn't understand or realise

That she was meant to iron my shirts and my Y-fronts instead!

I'm tedious, I'm boring, my voice drives you up the wall!

But let's face it, let's face it - I'm from Montréal!

[edit] Food processor

Mike McShane (Rock and Roll)

Hey-up, ah-hey yup!

Got a Cuisinart, it's ready to grate

And I make the food, it tastes really great

I chop and I blend, I whip and I purée

Yeah, you go with the puree all day

I can't get enough of the big Cuisinart

I love whippin' up with the big Cuisinart

Go, go! (makes whirring noises)

Go, go! (makes grating noises)

Go, go! (makes whirring noises)

Go, go! (makes chopping noises)

Peeling or grate, don't be late,

Baby I got a Cuisinart goin' on a date!

Josie Lawrence (Spanish flamenco)

This is a little song we sing in my willage...

¡Hai, Hai, Hai, Hai, Hai, Hai! (Clap, clap, clap...)

There was a man, he was my favourite confessor,

He came to me with a gift, he gave me a food processor.

¡Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! (Clap, clap, clap...)

I looked into his eyes...

...and I was liquidised.

¡He treated me like food!

¡He chewed me up!

¡And spat me...

Ouuut!

[edit] Toaster

Mike McShane (Gospel)

Everybody, I'd just like to testify a moment, about a little appliance that means so much to me!

Hey-yeah!

Every morning, breakfast just seems the same

I have some juice and it tastes really lame

But God be praised, God high on the most

I finally found something to whip up my batch of toast!

This slender machine, in the corner of my kitchen I park

And praise be Jesus the bread goes in light, and comes out dark!

Josie Lawrence (Motown)

Ooh-ooh yeah!

(deeper voice) Whoa-whoa yeah!

(normal voice) I must be the saddest toaster in the firmament

Cos' I've been suffering from a burnt out element!

So I cry, cry, cry

I ask why? Why? Why?

No more can I make the bread flip

'Cos they threw me on the toaster tip!

Oh I'm an old toaster, going down on a roller-coaster

Nobody loves me and I'm feeling down, because I can't make the bread go brown!

Oh please I say, don't just toss me away

Baby baby I love you so, please don't let your old toaster go

Don't throw me away! Don't throw me away!

I'm not an animal! Don't chip my ena-ma-mel!

Yeah!

[edit] Stapler

Josie Lawrence (Irish jig)

(Richard plays an Irish jig tune on a tin whistle, Josie dances an Irish jig throughout)

Come listen to my story, I'll tell it now to you,

It goes like this and I'll sing it right through,

It is about a woman, and nothing could placate her,

Unless she was a-sittin' upon a stapler!

And a hey-nonny-no and a hey-nonny-no

And a niggidy-niggidy-ay,

With a staple here and a staple there

And a staplin' all the wayy!

Mike McShane (Soul)

Oh, baby, I work in the office all day,

I see you sittin' there, workin' so hard for for so little pay

I just wanna give you somethin' to prove how much my love means to you

It's a stapler, from me to you, whoa!

Let me hold all the documents in your hand you work with all the time,

Let me give it a squeeze, a clinch, a clamp! Oh, makes me feel fine!

When I'm done with this stapler, you might think I'm a groover,

But wait 'til you see my staple remover!

[edit] Hammer

Mike McShane (Opera)

You - ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

Think you are good with tools

I've got the jewels for tools

With this hammer ... named Irving

I will carve out a living

And make a house for the gods!

I will carve out of stone

A roof so tall

I will carve out of stone

A god's shopping mall

And after I am done

I'll carve out a career

Since I have none, singing this sooong!

I've gone on too looong!

Now I'll kill myself with a hammer!

[edit] Microwave

Jim Meskimen (Frank Sinatra)

(Clicks his fingers)

It only takes a couple of seconds for you to get me steamed up

It doesn't take very long at all you know

You go away a little while, come back and take a look

A little bell will tell you so

They say that you're too modern for me babe

But I don't feel, I don't feel it's so necessarily so

I won't wear any metal, no not a thing

My how you make, my how you make my coils glow!

Make my coils glow-w *Ping!*

Clive: A full dooby-dooby-doo points there...

Christopher Smith (Opera)

I've been spinning round with you for quite some time, my dear!

I've been going round with you for quite some time, my dear!

When we'll be, the time when we are through

You and I my dearest carousel!

We're travelling on the carousel!

And as we fly we'll cook on through!

From centre-out that's how they do!

That's microwaving you and me shall do

My darling microchef!

My darling microche-eef!

My darling miiiii-croooooooo-chef.

[edit] Paperweight

Mike McShane & Josie Lawrence (Love duet)

Josie: Ooooh, uhh yeah, I love you!

Mike: I love you baby! I got a present for you...

Josie: Give it to me!

Mike McShane:

Our love is so heavy, it's so heavy I can't wait,

To tell how I feel about you so I give you this paperweight.

Josie Lawrence:

Well I love you baby, I love you,

And I think I know your caper.

Come on baby, put your weight on me,

And treat me just like paper!

Mike McShane:

You're gonna fly away (Josie: Fly away!)

Unless you have some weight on you! (Josie: Weight on me!)

I'm the weight you've been looking for

And I know just what to do.

Josie Lawrence:

Oh baby, you'll never make sad, never make me frown

You will never weigh me down

I love you and it's not too late

For my lovin' paperweight! (Mike: Paperweight!)

You're my paperweight (Mike: My paperweight!)

Both:

You're my paperweight!

[edit] Snails

Josie Lawrence (drunken auntie)

(Staggers around the stage throughout the song, miming holding a drink)

*Cough-Cough* I know the words! I know the words!

Come on everybody, let's be me-ee-rry!

Come on everybody, let's da-aaa-nce!

In the north they eat shaushages

But they only eat shnails in France, not London!

I don't like to eat a snail

It really makes me sick

But I quite like them if you boil 'em in butter

And add a little bit of garlic!

Oh-oooh!

[edit] Soap

Mike McShane (MGM musical)

I've got that bar in my hand again,

I've got that bar in my hand and I'm gonna lather up, my friend.

From the top to the bottom I'll scrub,

From back down again, give it a rub,

And you'll be clean as a whistle, my friend,

Because I've got soap in my hand!

There's not enough time in the day

To soap up, hey, what do you say?

When I drop it I pick it up and you know that's the cue to begin!

Well there may be love in the air

And if there's bubbles, well I don't care

Because maybe I'm soaping, I'm hoping, I'm soaping up, my friend!

[edit] Cat litter tray

Mike McShane & Josie Lawrence (Love duet)

Mike: I wanna show you something!

Josie: What?

Mike: Come into the hallway. (points) Look what she did!

Josie: It's beautiful!

Mike: Isn't it great? You know, you and I are perfect because we're such cat lovers. We love everything about cats.

Josie: Everything!

Mike McShane:

I love watching them squat on the edge of the tray

All day.

Josie Lawrence:

I love watching them do their little brown poo.

Mike McShane:

Who ever thought that feline defecation

Could be such a swell and singular sensation?

Josie Lawrence:

Who'd ever thought that our love would glitter

Just standing here looking at shit and cat litter?

Mike McShane:

Live our lives with love, but don't cover it up (Josie: Don't cover it up!)

Josie Lawrence:

Litter my life with love, and don't ever stop (Mike: Don't ever stop!)

I love you and that is that

Just like a poo from our favourite cat.

Mike McShane:

Litter our lives...

Both:

With love!

[edit] Train set

Mike McShane (Disco)

OOOhhh yeah!

Ahhh, ahhh, ahhh-yah!

You know you've been here too long baby

You know you'd better act your age

When you get on my Love Train

Well you'd better have the right gauge!

It gets it rollin' a head of steam

It makes it early, you know what I mean

I'm talkin' Love Train!

Love Train!

Love Train!

Love Train!

I'm the engineer, this is my hat

I'll open up the throttle, you know where it's at

Let the light go around and round inside-a

I'm guaranteed for a first class ride

When we're done, you'll have your fun

On the Love Train!

Love Train! (Audience & Clive: Love Train!)

Love Train! (Audience & Clive: Love Train!)

Love Train!

[edit] Old boiler

Mike McShane & Josie Lawrence (Early Rock & Roll - also see Clive vs. Mike below)

Both: (jiving along to the intro) Oh-whoa!

Josie Lawrence:

Well, come on little baby, you know what I mean

Come on let me see you let off steam

You're me old boiler, you're what I like

Come on baby now take a hike!

Everyone's doin' the old boiler

So come on and do it with me!

Mike McShane:

WAAAH!

You know you've got me up and in the air

I'm going puffin' steam like I don't care!

I start to choke and I start to boil

I've got me going, I'm a ruggin' toil

Oh baby you gotta what I need

When you get near me baby, I'll turn up the heat!

[edit] Alison the court clerk

Chip Esten (Broadway-style love song)

I made an infraction, a tiny tort

And so I had to spend my day there in court

But there's no reason for me to worry

'Cos Alison's sitting right there by the jury!

I am so glad, that's where I went

'Cos the judge told me that I was innocent!

I think I'll go out on a date

With Alison, my court clerk, she's so great!

[edit] Coal

Mike McShane (Grunge)

It's time in the cellar again

I spend time in the cellar, my friend

It ain't bad, well you know it's alright

I've got a chunk of anthracite

Yeah! Anthracite all night!

Anthracite is my delight!

You know I'm all alone, you can come with me

You don't have to touch me, but you can kiss me

And I will pour oil over you, jack

We'll be smelly and oily and black

With ANTHRACITE! (face squares up to the camera, Mike turns away and...)

ANTHRACITE! (squares up to the camera again and turns again)

It's hot tonight! (Mike pretends to headbutt the camera and staggers backwards)

[edit] Mop

Josie Lawrence (Cocktail lounge jazz ballad)

(Josie holds a glass in her hand and pretends to sip a drink from it)

(to Richard on the piano) I remember this one, Richard!

Do, do, do, doo-mop with me

Wipe, wipe, wipe, wipe the floor with me

Get the floor nice and wet, and don't forget!

Oh do, do, do, doo-mop with me

Wipe, wipe, wipe, wipe, wipe the floor with me

This is a love I won't swap

Because you know that you're my favourite kind of mop!

[edit] Drew the stripper

Niall Ashdown (Love song)

Hey, Saturday night I did not have a clue where to go

So I picked up my shoes and I tumbled down to old So-ho

I paid my two pounds so I could have a peep

Thought that I'd be there for ten minutes and I would go to sleep

But I saw you!

Drew!

I saw you!

Drew! I saw you!

I wasn't blue

And I am through

'Cos I saw you...

...Butt naked!

Butt naked!

Without any clothes on!

Very bare indeed!

... Tassels just here! (points to his nipples)

And shiny pants, I was in a trance

Oh won't you dance with me?

I'll dance with you, my Drew!

[edit] Little red triangle

Mike McShane (German drinking song)

I love my lit-tle triangle

I like to watch it dangle

From my shift, my boot, I like to see

Bush-a-bush-a-boom-boom!

I have a little Volvo

And it start to revolvo

I slap myself silly!

(slaps his thighs, stomach, head, bottom etc. until the end of the tune)

Ohh!

[edit] Beached whale

Josie Lawrence & Caroline Quentin (Love duet)

Caroline Quentin:

(sighs)

Look at the sea (Josie: Look at the sea!)

Then look at me!

Look at the sky (Josie: Look at the sky!)

And then see the love in my eyes!

Josie Lawrence:

Once our love had its freedom (Caroline: Mm-hmm!)

Through the sea it did sail (Caroline: Yes it did!)

Then those who hated us, wanted us washed up

On the beach...

Josie & Caroline:

Just like a a beached whale!

Josie Lawrence:

But we can be lying on this beach (Caroline: Mm-hmm!)

And we really don't care (Caroline: We just don't care!)

Our love may be like a beached whale

And we're maybe running out of air.

Caroline Quentin:

But our love's big, so big! (Josie: Oh so big! Like a whale!)

Bigger than a whale! (Josie: Bigger than a whale!)

Bigger than a whale! (Josie: Bigger than a whale!)

Our love is...

Josie & Caroline:

Bigger!

Bigger than a wha-a-aaaale!

[edit] Syringe

Mike McShane (Ragtime)

I'm a hop-head, I'm a crazy hop-head

Can't get enough funky stuff when I'm loaded up and plunged in

I'm jazz dancing, I'm wazz dancing

I'm breaking loose like a kaboose when I'm full of that big H!

I'm listening to Fats Waller tinkling on the ivories!

I'm swinging from the chandelier!

I'm watching Billie Holiday every nightly

And I'm very full of beer, yes sir, yes sir, yes sir!

I can't get speeded up, I can't move any faster

I'm a slave and the drug, it is the master

Someday it's gonna run out and someday I'll be through

But baby fill that syringe up, and baby keep it filled up

And baby keep me hopping for you!

[edit] Spanner

Josie Lawrence & Caroline Quentin (Blues)

Josie': This one's for Johnny Depp, by the way.

Caroline: Yeah, we know he watches this programme!

Clive: Who's Johnny Depp? Sorry, I'm a judge...

Josie: He's gorgeous!

Caroline Quentin:

(Josie: Oh-hoh!)

Yeah, yeah baby (Josie: Baby!), I saw you

Stridin' into my garage!

I said baby (Josie: Baby!), baby (Josie: Baby!)

Mmmm, I liked your carriage!

I said "there's the wench

With a wrench for me!" (Josie: With a wrench for you!)

Josie Lawrence:

Well baby (Caroline: Baby!), baby (Caroline: Yeah baby!)

I like your sexy kid of manner (Caroline: Mmm baby!)

I'd like to unscrew your nuts (Caroline: Yeah baby!)

With my great big spanner (Caroline: Ohhh....)

Baby baby baby, can't you see? (Caroline: Mmmm yeah...)

I've got a big spanner so unscrew me! (Caroline: Yeah!)

[edit] Mark the bank manager

Niall Ashdown (Love song...!)

Oh yeah!

Well my statement came through the door, and I just laughed

I had a five-thousand pound overdraft

I couldn't believe that amount

I'd wasted all my money in the current account!

So I went straight down to the bank

Saw a guy called Mark who was mysterious and dank

But his eyes looked at me, he said "That's fine,

My telephone number's 3-4-5-1-9!"

And we've been going out together since!

And the way he makes love, it really makes me wince!

Yeah!

[edit] Catherine the secretary

Niall Ashdown (Love song)

Oh yeah! Mm-hmm

Oh Catherine you're the best girl in the land

Even though you've only got a short hand

Yeah Catherine you're the best girl in the nation

I love it when you take my dictation.

When I kiss you it's like chewing toffee

I feel so good when you bring in my coffee

Some look at you and they say "she's a dead loss"

But I know you're different and I'm your boss

Come over here and give me one now!

I wanna do it to you, again again and again

Come on and squeeze all the ink out of my fountain pen!

Oh Catherine! I want you now!

[edit] Anna the nurse

Brad Sherwood (Love song)

Anna, would you be my nurse?

I feel that I'm getting much worse!

Anna, I will be your man

If you just do my prostate exam!

You touch me in places where no-one dares to touch

It is so kinky that people are starting to think we are Dutch

'Cos we're strange, you changed my blood pressure

And I'm smiling just like a cat whose name is Cheshire

Oh, Anna, help me please!

'Cos I'm dying of this disease

It's called love

Wrap your rubber glove!

Give your thumb a shove!

[edit] Angela the video shop worker

Brad Sherwood (End-of-musical love song)

I went to the video store to meet Angie

We were gonna go on a rafting trip down the Gangee!

I started singing this little song

And she said "Why don't we bring some porno videos along?"

I said "Hey, there Angie, that would be kind of callous!"

She said "Let's bring some naked Spice Girls and Debbie Does Dallas!"

I said "No, I'm sorry, I'm not that kind of guy!"

She said "Well I also have some gay videos to give those a try!"

[edit] Musical Film Review

[edit] The First Man Into Space

Paul Merton:

The First Man In Space is a wonderful movie. It begins with a meteorite shower that splashes all the way through the spaceship, and turns the man inside into a singing, whirling dervish...

Mike McShane:

I'll go and check out the front of the cockpit guys...

(Richard starts playing a dramatic tune on the piano)

My God! Visor down! Safety visors down! Shields up! We have a meteor shower coming in quick!

Oh my God! Oh my God!

They're coming, millions of meteors!

They're coming, so fast and furious!

They're coming, some are green,

Some are yellow, some are simply curious.

They're ripping through the spaceship one-two-three,

They're breaking apart!

And now, they've hit me! I'm changing!

I feel something strange happening in my heart!

Paul Merton:

Meanwhile back at Earth Control, the two scientists whose idea it was to send this man into space, are rather worried about the messages they're getting over the radio, and decide to sing their thoughts to each other...

(Richard plays a quiet doo-wop tune on the guitar)

(Steve and Jim hum in harmony)

Steve Steen:

Let me tell you, I'm kinda worried (Jim: Ba-bub-a-de-duum!)

About ol' George Bury (Jim: Ba-bub-a-de-duum!)

He's up there, among those rocks

Hey did you know, he was wearing odd socks?

You know that, if he gets those strange hunger pangs, (Jim: Ba-dub-a-de-duum!)

I'm kinda worried that he might grow fangs (Jim: Ba-dub-a-de-duum!)

And some poor guy's gonna get it in the neck...

Jim Sweeney:

Let's call him back!

Jim & Steve:

Ohh, what the heck!

Paul Merton:

He arrives back on Earth, and as he emerges from the spaceship, he bites each one of them in the neck. They sing a song before they die. And the vampire realises he cannot breathe the oxygen Earth, and he dies after he's killed them as well, but not before he finishes the big finale of the musical, which is a wonderful song to behold! (Clive: Yes... dead simple, that, Paul!)

Jim: Look the door's opening, he's coming out!

(Richard plays a dramatic intro on the piano as Mike reveals fangs he made from tissue!)

Jim: Oh my God!

Steve Steen

Now now, George!

(Mike bites Steve in the neck)

Ohhhh...

I'm going fast, I'm going now,

And please say goodbye to my old cow!

You know I really love that heifer,

Please... tell me she'll get better!

Lick her, George, look after him

I know it isn't a terrible sin

You've drained me now of all my blood,

And I'm gonna fall face down in the mud. (dies)

Jim Sweeney:

(Mike bites Jim in the neck)

Oh!

Oh George, George, that was so nice

Don't do it once, why don't you do it twice! (Mike obliges)

When you bite me in the neck it makes me feel so fine!

Time for me to die, time for me to die,

Time for me to die, time for me to die... (dies)

Mike McShane:

I killed them all, they are dead.

And I've got a funny feeling in my head, (Steve and Jim dance on the ground)

I can't stand it here,

This really sucks, this atmosphere,

So I'll die, goodbye!

Goodbye, bye, bye! (jumps to the ground and dies)

[edit] Midshipman Easy

Sandi Toksvig:

I've been looking through the film archives and what a jolly lot of dusty old films I've found. But here, a fabulous B-movie, a dusky maiden sits alone on a Mediterranean island and croons about her long lost love...

Tony Slattery:

Sometimes I dream of a sailor,

Sometimes I dream of an obelisk.

I shouldn't eat the mushrooms I find

Because the local flora blows my mind!

Oh, if only someone would come by rescue me!

Sandi Toksvig:

The dusky maiden went off for a bathe. Just then... Two hunky Spanish bandits - Xhorico and Xolinxo - arrived upon the island...

Mike: I am hungry for the love that dare not squeak his name!

Greg: Indeed! Boy if we could find ourselves a lusty maiden!

Mike: A lusty, dusky maiden! I know what I would do!

(Richard plays a Spanish-sounding tune on the guitar)

Greg Proops:

Me too!

I'm so horny! So very, very horny!

When I woke up this morning,

I knew I was horny!

Mike McShane:

My cajoles (Greg: Cajoles!) are swollen with pride (Greg: Like melon-es!)

Like a bull I'm... inside! (Greg: Do not gore me!)

We'll find ourselves a señorita (Greg: Ah-ha!)

And have her eat her way (Greg: Oh-ho!)

We'll plunder and loot and hloch...

Mike & Greg:

The day away!!

Sandi Toksvig:

And they do. They hloch the day away. They have their way with the poor girl. But then, three midshipmen arrive on a 1790s ship - Midshipman Easy, Midshipman I'll-Be-Lucky, and Midshipman There's-Gotta-Be-A-First-Time-For-Everyone. The three men rescue the girl and sing of their success in a traditional 1790s rock-and-roll number...

Greg Proops:

Well we rescued a maiden one more time! (Tony: One more time!)(Mike: You did all, baby!)

We rescued them from that Spanish swine

Now we're off the island this very day

Now let's take her downstairs and have our way!

We're gonna go, go, go-go!

Greg, Mike & Tony:

We're gonna go, go, go-go!

Mike McShane:

We're gonna roll her, open that five-dog road

We're gonna work her up and down all over the town

And when we're done with her, rip off the fur

And we'll have a beer and down with her!

Greg, Mike & Tony:

Let's go, go, go-go!

Let's go!

[edit] Party Quirks

Paul: Hello, Archie

Archie: (Jealous Lover) Hi

Paul: How are you

Archie: Fine. Are you gonna invite me in, or do I have to FORCE entry?

Paul: (stares at Archie) I think you better come in.

---

Josie: (Red Riding Hood) (mimes eating something) Gobble, gobble, gobble, gobble...

Tony: No, that happens upstairs! (answers door)

Mike: (Hell's Angel) (in rough voice) Hey Tony!

Josie: Argh! What a hairy man!

Tony: Yeah, but he's a good kisser though.

---

Steve Steen: (thinks he's Paul Merton, with dead-on impression) I've been listening to your records and none of those words rhyme!

Paul: Don't they? (chuckles) Um... are you tone deaf? Or... he's doing me!

---

Josie: (Greg is wearing black and white waist coat, Josie's quirk: "Thinks she is a cow") What are you wearing that for, are you taking the mickey?

---

Clive: (after buzzing Tony Slattery for not guessing all the quirks) That was the worst round of Party Quirks! He (Colin) thinks that gravity is rather too much for him and he (Stephen) has to mention a bodily part in every sentence.

Tony: (very angry) OH, WELL, FUCK OFF!

(Clive, Ryan, Colin, Stephen and the audience burst out laughing)

Clive: Right... right... well, there you are. Hey, hey Tony, it's only a bit of fun...

Tony: (underbreath) Screw you

Clive: ...don't take it seriously, it's only your living

---

Rory: (Thinks he is Tony, with dead on impression) Well, hello, yes, I - sorry to gatecrash but I heard they were fimling a television program here!

Tony: Oh. (behind Rory, Mike laughs)

Rory: Yes, um where's the camera? Is it over there?

Tony: (loudly) Oh ha ha ha ha! (Stands next to Rory with both hands on hips) Ha ha ha ha! (Clive presses his buzzer)

Clive: Yes, you've been got (presses buzzer again) You've been got. Very good

Tony: (mimes having a cigarette) Can I just say, I'm not playing anymore.

---

Tony: (shrugs shoulders) I've never had a come-as-Clive Anderson party before.

Clive: That dramatically reduces your chances of winning tonight

---

Tony: I never had a come-as-Michael-Jackson party. (grabs testicles) Ow! Ow! Ow!

Clive: Oh, I was enjoying that.

---

Clive: If Tony wins, he wins a lot of points. If he fails, it will be like most weeks. Is the party ready?

Tony: You're going to get such a smack! Oh! Party is ready, Mr Grumpy Sod!

---

Clive: (rings bell)

Brad: (turns around, miming opening a cupboard) Clive, what are you doing in my closet?

---

[after having failed to guess the quirks again, to Clive]

Tony: Shut up, it's my party, I'll be crap if I want to!

---

(during a really hard playing)

Tony: Why did I invite these people?

[edit] Press Conference

[edit] Tony is the first man to make love in space

Ryan: Is it lonely?

Tony: It is lonely, yes, but I find the life of a public figure means that you have to be strong. Next question.

Colin: Was there any special equipment involved?

Tony: A certain amount of flour, and eggs, and a snorkel. Not everyone does it like that but I do.

Stephen: And how many miles away was that?

Tony: Forty-two. Next question.

Colin: How long did it take you before you could re-enter?

Tony: Well, my wife's very understanding and we have a very good relationship so not long.

Stephen: Did you keep your helmet on while you were doing it?

Tony: Yes, in fact I do because it's much safer and much less risk of...

Ryan: Have you ever seen Uranus?

Tony: Many many times, yes.

Stephen: Did the earth move?

Tony: Yes, it was spinning round as I was circling it.

Colin: Did it take long to get Miss Brown up there?

Tony: (confused) No, no, she went of her own accord. Last question.

Clive: Last guess I think.

Tony: Yes, last question... Look, it's my bloody press conference, shut it!

Ryan: Is this the first black hole you've encountered?

Tony: No, I've been through space many times.

Clive: So what are you?

Tony: I'm a space traveller.

Clive: Yes, the first man to make love in space. Strange enough there, Tony, you got everything except the sexual innuendo which I thought would have been a gift for you but...

Tony: Oh did you? You've got a warped bald head.

Clive: (looks sad, audience sympathises Clive). Well done Tony for getting it ... wrong.

[edit] Stephen is Snow White Announcing She is pregnant

Stephen: Good morning Gentlemen. I'm glad to be here (pauses due to audiences laughter). Yes you (points to Brad), no you (points to Ryan)

Ryan: Any idea, which one is responsible?

Stephen: I have my theories, of course, and I have a few insiders working at it, but I think it is the third one

Brad: Didn't you expect this to happen, considering your living situation?

Stephen: Well, it was inevitable, under other circumstances, but it did take me by surprise.

Colin: I just can't believe it myself, I'm shocked, totally shocked. What happened exactly? What was the mood... when it first happened?

Stephen: When it first happened I was happy, but now I am sad

Brad: At anytime, did he whistle?

Stephen: Yes, just before he said "goodbye"

Ryan: More of a comment, than a quesiton. I must say, this must be a real fairly tale for you.

Stephen: It is, I feel great. And yes, it is a dream come true

Clive: Okay, Stephen, have you got any idea?

Stephen: Jack. Giant. Beanstalk.

Clive: (very excitedly) Jack and the Beanstalk? No, you're not.

[edit] Colin is having Clive's love child

Colin: Thank you very much for coming to this (over audience laughter) hastily assembled press conference, so please... yes sir (points to Greg)

Greg: Are you sore at all?

Colin: I was, of course, a little bit, but a lot of orange juice seemed to let that go. Yes sir (points to Ryan)

Ryan: Why?

Colin: This, I felt, would benefit generations that came after me and I documented it on film and it will be shown in many schools. Yes (points to Greg)

Greg: Is it human?

Colin: What kind of a question is that? Of course its human. It's mostly, 90% human

Greg: As a follow up, does it have a neck?

Colin: Yes!

Phil: Are you doing this for the money or is there some emotional attachment?

Colin: At first, it was just for the money but then there was a strong emotional attachment and a nice hat that came with it.

Ryan: When he was done, did he buzz you out?

Colin: That rumour has been going on forever, I tell you, it's a bald-faced lie!

Greg: Was it a natural child birth, or was it in a manner of his choosing?

Colin: It was very painful and it was in the style of a hoedown

Clive: I don't think we need anymore questions. Have you any idea what this might be?

Colin: I had your love child?

Clive: Yes

[edit] Psychiatrist

[edit] Thinks he's an Eskimo

Greg Proops:

Up in the frozen north, there's a lot of schlubbers

All day long I spend my time just eating blubber

When I ride the bus each day, everyone looks at me funny

Cos I am wearing mukluks and my nose is always runny.

Dr. Josie:

This problem always goes back to your mama (Greg: Mama?)

She never kissed you, she only rubbed your nose.

And when you were small, although it was hot

She always wrapped you up in furry clothes!

So this is what I need for you to do (Greg: Tell me)

Don't ever live in an igloo!

[edit] Scared of hats

Dr. Josie: Tell me about your problem then, boy.

Jim: All right then, guv'nor, I will.

Jim Sweeney:

Well I'll tell you this and I'll tell you that

I'm very very scared of a very big hat

I'm scared of a hat, I'm scared of a hat, is me.

I'm scared since I was a little boy

I seem worse now oh joy oh joy

I hate those hats, they scare the life outta me!

Dr. Josie:

This is a quite a bit problem, yes it is so very big

It'll probably be with you until you're dead

I know why you hate hats so much, I know why it is true

It is because you've got a funny head!

So this is what you need to do my son, before you go:

Give away a chapeau!

[edit] In love with Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

Tony: I've got a problem, doc.

Dr. Josie: Yes, I can see. Tell me about your other one.

Tony: I'll tell you about this one, shall I?

Dr. Josie: Yeah, go on.

Tony Slattery:

I think sometimes, I drink too much

I think I drink too much gin

Then I find myself falling in love

With a shiny terrapin

I like to call it Josie or Myrtle

But really, I want to mount a turtle

Tell me what I do before I go mad - cha cha cha!!

Dr. Josie:

This is a quite nasty problem, oh yes

A quite nasty problem for sure

I think you want to be a Mutant Teenage Ninja Turtle

Do you, tell me, live in a sewer?

Oh, I'm going to give you some pills to stop this

They may make your eyelids droop (Tony: I don't mind!)

But never go near the turtles again

Or you may end up in the turtle soup!

[edit] Scared of peanut butter

Denalda Williams:

Doctor, I have something that I dread

I can't have peanut butter put on my bread

It's on the top, yea it goes from north to south

But when I eat it, you see I can't use my mouth.

Dr. Josie:

Oh, I understand your problem, whenever you get the munchies

You always use the smooth peanut butter when you ought to be using the crunchies!

Oh, but don't worry, don't get yourself in a rut:

We have lots of mad people like you here, you are just a pea-nut!

[edit] Obsessed with Easter bunnies

Mike McShane:

(twitches his nose like a rabbit as Richard Vranch plays a discordant piano tune)

Think about eggs, think about eggs

Think about eggs all day

I hop and hop and skip and hop

Whenever I want to play

I go to bed, I roll over

I look at the back of my tail

It's furry and fuzzy, what can I do?

I'm gonna wind up in jail!

Dr. Josie:

I think you are definetly going funny

It's because you are in love with all these Easter bunnies (Mike: Yep.)

What can you do? You feed me all this junk

You know what rabbits do a lot of, yes oh they just bonk!

So what you need to do is go away

And try to break the habit:

Never look at an Easter egg

And stay away from the rabbit!

[edit] Thinks he's an armadillo in Austria

Dr. Josie: Tell me your problem!

Colin Mochrie:

Doctor, doctor, please make me well!

As you can see I've gone right to shell!

I think I'm an armadillo,

Yo-ho-ho-oh-dedadey, ooh what a nice pillow!

Dr. Josie:

Snap out of it if you can

You need a slap, you are a man (starts slapping Colin)

Don't be such a silly fellow

You are not an armadillo!

[edit] In love with a cameraman from Greece

Ryan Stiles:

Yes, a man I adore

He pushes a big thing around the floor

I love him, and all of his friends

When he makes love to me, he uses a telescopic lens!

Dr. Josie:

This is such a lot of hocus pocus

You must put this friendship into focus

Come on now, don't be a clamourer,

You must forget about this man who stands behind the camera!

(Ryan moves forward to kiss the camera lens)

[edit] Prison Visitor

[edit] Stealing pants in Brazil

Josie: Tell me, Jose, what did you do? (Yelps)

Colin: I tell you.

Colin Mochrie

(Colin is wearing a green jacket)

Ohhh, get me out of here! I'm not having a good time

They threw me in here for impersonating a lime

I needed green pants, you see, to go with my whole ensemble

What am I going to do? I... can't rhyme with ensemble!

Josie Lawrence

I'm sorry that you're stuck in here, the people that put you here, they are louses

Because all you wanted to do was find a pair of green trousers

I know that you need some pants but now you're stuck in a rut

Standing there with no pants on, you look like a real Brazil nut!

[edit] Murdered George in Italy

Josie: Maria! Tell me why!

Caroline: (sobs) I am crazy, that is why!

Caroline Quentin

I couldn't stand the pain!

He came at me with his bad breath and his sweat again!

I saw him there, and with despair...

I took a knife... and killed him!

Josie Lawrence

I know you didn't mean to kill George (Caroline: Kill George!)

But what a problem this poses (Caroline: It poses a problem!)

To kill George simply because

He had halitosis!

[edit] Caught with a prostitute in a car in Jamaica

Clive: Ryan is a distinguished actor, there's no chance, no chance, of a distinguished actor being caught with a prostitute in a car. Okay, let's go with that! Come on!

Ryan Stiles

Da-ohhh!

Da-da-da-da-da-doh-doh!

Oh, the police ran up to me one day, and boy they rave and rant

I made the same mistake as my good friend the actor Hugh Grant!

Made the mistake, now jail's where I got to go

And I'm stuck with a very, very huge man whose name happens to be Moe!

(Waves behind him and looks around worried) Whoa-Moe!

Josie Lawrence

I understand why you did this, I understand your ploys

Although men try to be really good, let's face it, ladyboys will be boys!

We know you're not so good, we've heard about you and we know about you quite well

I'll help you to escape, my friend, come and limbo under your cell!

(Josie lifts the bars up and Ryan starts to limbo underneath)

[edit] News Report

(introductions only)

Greg: Hello, I'm Curved Slightly

Sandi: Hello and welcome to We-Know-More-Than-You-Do where we patronise you at peak time.

Sandi: Good evening and welcome to Regional Rap where we tell you news stories too dreary for national television.

Greg: Good evening, I'm Unusually Thick.

Greg: I'm Red When Excited

Colin: I'm horny as a hippo, but my name is Tim

Greg: I'm Tongue Deeply

(in the field covering 'The Three Little Pigs' story)

Tony: I've got someone with me now, we havnt been introuduced, who are you?

Ryan: Sorry I'm covering 'The Little Red Riding Hood' story

[edit] Quick Change

(Brad is briefing Stephen on a spy mission. Ryan calls "Change")

Brad: Agent Seven, here are the blue prints.
Stephen: I've been promoted, I was Six last week.
Brad: That's right, and someday you'll be Nine, remember that. Now, here are the blue prints. I want you to look at this duct access work.
Stephen: I'm colour blind, it doesn't make any sense to me.
Ryan: Change!
Stephen: I can see perfectly well, I know exactly what you're talking about.
Ryan: Change!
Stephen: I forgot my contact lenses.
Brad: Well, luckily, it's in Braille, so just feel it. The duct is dark, so you'll need to feel around it anyway.
Stephen: That's a brillant touch.
Ryan: Change!
Stephen: That feels disgusting!
Ryan: Change!
Stephen: Eww... have you spat on this?
Brad: Sorry, I was eating while I was eating the map.
Ryan: Change!
Brad: Sorry, I drool alot when I watch TV.
Ryan: Change!
Brad: I had something in my mouth that made me salivate so much it was like the Niagara Falls.
Ryan: Change!
Brad: I love the smell of you cologne and it drives me crazy.
Stephen: Are you trying to tell me something?
Brad: No, I don't want to tell you now until you come back, because if you die, I couldn't bear the pain of losing you.
Ryan: Change!
Brad: Yes, I am trying to tell you something!
Ryan: Change!
Brad: I haven't told you what I want to tell you, because the thought of your hand on my shoulders makes my shoes warm.
Stephen: Sir, how do you expect me to go on this mission and possibly not come back alive, with you waiting for me with those feelings in your heart?
Brad: It's the only reason to come back.
Stephen: But sir, if I go and I fail, what does that mean?
Brad: You'll have a lovely plaque with your name on it.
Ryan: Change!
Brad: You'll have a funeral bigger than the Queen's!
Ryan: Change!
Brad: I will parade around your gravestone in a dress!
Stephen: This pen, what does it actually do?
Brad: Press this button here, it will shoot a laser beam.
Ryan: Change!
Brad: Touch this thing, it gets ink all over your fingers.
Ryan: Change!
Brad: Wave it above your head, it will whistle.
Ryan: Change!
Brad: If you put it in your pocket, it will toast your nuggets!

[edit] Scenes from a hat

[These scenes are in no particular order]

Clive: Buying a sandcastle

Ryan: Nice work there.

Greg: Sod off!

Ryan: I am willing to give you two hundred pounds for that.

Greg: Really?!

Ryan: Oh, wave, £50. £25. £10.

Greg: It's yours.

Paul: Compulsory purchase order. We're building a new dual carriageway along here.

Greg & Ryan: Oh!

---

Clive: Elephants packing to go on holiday... packing their trunks I suppose...

Paul: (sad) Oh!

Josie: Oh!

Clive: Oh, sorry, I joined in there. I'm not allowed to do that!

---

Clive: A Weight Watchers party

Paul: (to Josie) No luck then?

Josie: (under audience applause) I'm gonna fucking kill you!

---

Clive: Faux pas at a Christening. Or faus pars.

Tony: I name this child Satan... Stan! Stan!

---

Clive: A doll with a pull-out string

Tony: (pulls string) I want a doll, please

Jim: Mother, get back in the car

---

Clive: Two men in a hot tub relising... then the handwriting goes wabbliy after that. Two men relising something

(Ryan and Chip sits on the World's Worst step)

Ryan: I've just relised something. We're both men

Chip: Yeah

---

Clive: A pecking order for fruit (Everyone looks confused then Tony steps onto the stage)

Tony: Me first!?

---

Clive: Fortune Cookies that tell the truth

Greg: You're a cheap bastard and you won't leave a tip... Hey!!

---

Clive: Worrying things to be given on a plane

Tony: Hello

Stephen: Hello

Tony: Here's the engine

Stephen: Thank you... what?

---

Clive: There's no such thing as a free lunch

Tony: (To Jim) That'll... (cracking up) That'll be two pounds fifty please.

Clive: Tony eats at The Ivy, obviously.

---

Clive: 24 hours from Tulsa

Chip: How long until we hit Tulsa?

Tony: I don't know

---

Clive: Invites you would never accept

Tony: (wearing big, green jacket) Would you like my jacket?

---

Clive: The biggest jerk in the world

Josie: Tony?

---

Clive: Flies on a hot date

(Ryan and Tony step into the stage)

Ryan: Would you care for anymore turd?

---

Clive: Breaking bad news to the king

(Greg and Chip step onto the stage)

Chip: Sire, the flies have eaten your turd

---

Clive: Rejected Proverbs

Tony: Let the old man who never does, yes.

Greg: Cheese is found where you least suspect it.

Ryan: My groin is sore!

Tony: Always let the wardrobe misstress choose your clothes! (Tony, Greg, Ryan and Chip face the camera)

---

Clive: Sea Shanties that never caught on

Greg, Ryan, Tony & Chip: (singing) Ohhhh myyyyy...

Tony: (sings) ...my panties are in the war

Greg: (sings) The land is better than the water

---

Clive: The four horseman of the apocolypse

(Josie, Colin and Greg walk onto the stage)

Greg: Sorry, Pestilence couldn't make it, I'm nervousness

---

Clive: The princess and the frog

(Tony, Ryan and Greg walk onto the stage, but Greg walks back)

Tony: Wait, there were two of you a minute ago

Greg: I'm back now

Ryan: Bonjour

Tony: Bonjour

---

Clive: What you didn't expect to find in a Kangaroo's pouch

Tony: Lord Lucan!!

---

Clive: A kissogram with bad news

Mike: Ding-dong

Steve S: Hello?

Mike (sings) She's left you, she's left you, she's never coming back again, she's left you (kisses Steve)

---

Clive: The worst job in the world

Mike: I'm here to buff Clive's head

---

Clive: Olympic sports we'd like to see

(Tony appears on stage, Steve Steen starts humping him)

Clive: I think Humping the Tony is an Olympic sport already!

Mike: You oughta see the Synchronized Humping the Tony!

---

Clive: Life's big dissapointment

(Tony and Stephen walks out)

Stephen: Oh, so you're Tony Slattery?

---

Clive: (reads slowly) Yes, the last two hairs on Clive Anderson's head

Greg: Sure is lonely up here

Ryan: Sure is

Clive: Well, thank you for the two, it's really just one

[edit] Song Titles

[edit] On a boat

Josie: We are sailing.

Stephen: I was going to do that one!

Clive: I was going to do that one? Is that a song title?

Stephen: Know you, know me.

Tony: (enters) A life on the ocean waves. (to Stephen) Lipstick on your collar.

Stephen: Roll out the barrel!

Josie: Smoke gets in your eyes. O bla di, o bla da.

Stephen: I can see clearly now.

Josie: Stormy weather!

Tony: I saw three ships!

Stephen: It's raining men!

Ryan: (enters) Hello, is it me you're looking for?

Tony: Baby, now that I've found you.

Stephen: (waves Ryan over) Kum ba ya.

Ryan: Who's that girl?

Josie: Doo be doo, doo be doo be doo doo doo.

Ryan: Wild thing!

Tony: (grabs Josie) Sisters.

Josie: Patches.

Ryan: You're having my baby?

Josie: Help!

Stephen: (grabs Ryan) My brother Jake.

Ryan: Close to you!

Stephen: Alright now?

Ryan: Up up and away!

[edit] Rap

[edit] Handbag

John Sessions

You know about America, Amerigo Vespucci

He was wearing his leather, man, he was carrying Gucci

He was the kind of guy that could go out so high

With his leather bag, He ain't no drag,

Fag, fag, fag.

Tony Slattery

Get down!

Ha! I went to a party just down the street

I walked inside and guess what I did see

I saw a handbag and it looked kinda fun

I was feeling pretty perverted so I stuck it up my bum!

Josie Lawrence

I filled my pockets up and I made them sag

So I really need to buy a handbag

I got it in maroon and I got it in puce

But that kinda colour just ain't no use

The only colour fo-or me

Is bur-bu-bu-bu-burgundy!

Mike McShane

I've got a handbag, I like to fill her

When I fill it up, my bag's a thriller

I take cosmetics, all the kind

And I load 'em in the bag, all the time

My bag's real red, can't you see

It's more than red, it's burgundy

Not rose, not that, not all my friend

And here's where the bag rap's got to end!

John Sessions

I like my chicks wild, I like my chicks wild

Like them wild like a nuclear reactor

Like them to carry all kinds of stuff in their bag

Like lipstick, maybe a Max Factor

Like a rip across the face make them red and high

Then I like to go out with them and say... "Hi!"

Tony Slattery

I was walking with my bag the other day

And my friend saw me with it and he said "Hey"

He said "Hey, hey, hey-hey, hey, hey, hey"

He's really repetitive so I shot him.

Josie Lawrence

My bag won't make any animals sick

'Cos my bag is made out of plastic

It has a shoulder strap

You can hear me sing this rap

I love my burgundy handbag, I lo-o-ove it so

And if a mugger comes, I won't let my handbag go, no

(Quieter) I won't let my handbag go, no

(Even quieter) I wont let my handbag go...

Mike McShane

Uh-huh, Uh-huh, Uh-huh, Uh-huh-uh

Uh-huh, Uh-huh, Uh-huh, Uh-huh-uh

Got the bag, it's got a latch

When I close it up, it's tied to a natch

They think I'm funny because I'm so big

They ask "is that bag made out of a pig?"

I say "No my friend, it's made out of a cow,

If you make fun of my, my fist'll go POW!

Right in your face, knock you on your butt

Then you'll be on the floor and in a rut

Then I'll scoop you up, put you in my bag

And then you'll be a stone butt drag!"

[edit] Cooking

Mike McShane

I'm a master chef, I'm in your kitchen

When I whip up an omelette, Lord it's bitchin'!

I crack the eggs, I lay 'em in the pan

Spread out the cheese and go, goin' on it man!

I flip it over with my hand

It lands right back in the aluminium pan

I serve it up and it's really hot

If you don't like an omelette, then say it a lot!

Tony Slattery

Cooking is my obsession

So what's gonna happen now is a cookery lesson

It's where it's at, food is where it's been

I'm a pissed chef, I'd like a large gin!

Josie Lawrence

Hi everybody, my name is Josie

I'm gonna teach you how to eat spaghetti

You can do it in a lot of ways

You can chop up garlic, make bolognaise

You can make it slow, or make it faster

There's lots of ways that you can do pasta!

Greg Proops

Well I'm a groovy chef, I'm totally illing

And when I make a dish, it's way way thrilling

The girls from the kitchen they hop like a frog

'Cos they want to taste my big hot dog!

[edit] Banking

Lee Simpson

Working in a bank has made me a wreck

I keep bouncing things, I especially bounce checks

I haven't had a good day since I've worked at this bank

To pass the time I just have-to-do-a-crossword-puzzle

I try to do things that help pass the time

My manager doesn't like me, he doesn't like my rhyme

So I said to him "You can stuff your job!"

He said "Get out of my bank, you always were a slob!"

Jan Ravens

When you're choosing a bank to go to

It's really hard to find the best

Which are the ones that are in South Africa?

The ones from which we have to dis-invest!

Tony Slattery

Banking is a subject close to my heart

Me and my current account are never far apart

You go to the manager, on closer inspection

He's really dishy, he gives me an erection!

(starts laughing) I'm sorry

Mike McShane

The man has the morals of a German shepherd! (Clive: Let's move on.)

Sperm bank! That's what I run!

I have to admit it's a lot of fun

The customers always come in real glad

And when they leave, you know they're sad

I like to deposit, but most of all

When the shop's closed down I can make a withdrawal!

[edit] Gospel

[edit] Cake Decorating

Greg Proops

Heaven is a biscuit way up above

Heaven is a biscuit way up above (Josie: Tell it right, brother!)

And when Jesus comes down he's gonna squirt it with his heavenly love!

With his heavenly love!

Jim Sweeney

Every day I like to bake, bake cakes for the Lord above,

I cover that cake and all in it with never-ending love.

Decorating cakes is my life, it is it,

I'm what you call a sad and lonely git!

Baking cakes.

Tony Slattery

(Josie: Sing your song, brother!)

I like cakes, you know I find them enticing,

I like to take my clothes and cover my body with icing!

I do it because you know, whoo, I can,

WOW! Take my body down with marzipan!

Josie Lawrence

(Greg: Hit it, girlfriend!)

Oh God, heavenly Lord, it makes me feel so merry,

'Cos we are all baking in the Lord's cake and the Lord he is the cherry.

Oh he'll take your sins and confiscate it

And then he will decorate it

Pretty soon you will find

He's covered you with hundreds and thousands!

Yes he's...

All

Covered you...

Youuuu... in hundreds and thousands!

[edit] Needlepointing

(Clive also adds sewing and tapestry to the theme)

Josie Lawrence

My life was feeling down, I was feeling oh so low, (Mike: Testify!)

Until an angel appeared to me and taught me, how to sew.

Yes, my life was just devoid to me

Until I learned embroidery!

Oh-whoa!

Paul Merton

(Josie: Sing your song, brother!)

I'm needling for the Lord, yes I am!

Jumpers, suits, socks and skirts, yes I am!

All sorts of knitwear I give to the Lord,

Why I'm even gonna knit me a shawl,

Oh yeah!

Julian Clary

(speaks out of time to the music)

I've got a little needle pack which travels with me where I go.

Everywhere that I go.

It's got needles, it's got cotton, it's got a little thimble, which is handy,

If you lose a button when you're out shopping or something, you can sew it back on.

I think it's a boon.

Mike McShane

I've been trying to figure out life,

Full of pain and full of strife,

I told myself "What's the needle-point?"

Is Jesus a crotchet or is he Afghan?

Oh Lord, does he have a masterplan?

Oh Jesus, give me the weave of life!

All

Oh Jesus!

Give me the weave of life!

[edit] Woodworking

Josie Lawrence

Oooooooh-whhhooAAaaowwee

Oh I am so happy, and I am so glad,

'Cos I started to do carpentry, just like Jesus' dad.

I'll no more be a sinner, I'll always try to be good,

'Cos I'm a carpenter for Jesus and I got me some wood!

Oh yeah!

Denalda Williams

Hail the Lord, he won't let me fail,

'Cos he gave me a hammer and he gave me a nail!

I don't care, it's God's law,

If you get it going with a saw!

Oh yeah!

Sandi Toksvig

(as a Southern baptist) Right now, people! I want you all to settle down! (Denalda: Hallelu!)

I want you all to be a woodworker for the Lord!

So what we're gonna say together, brothers and sisters,

We're gonna say "I am a piece of wood!"

Are you ready, brothers and sisters?

All, including the Audience

I am a piece of wood!

Sandi Toksvig

And therefore I won't sing, although maybe I could.

Mike McShane

Satan is a mighty oak, and I'm a beaver

I nibble away of sin all day

I'm a long-toothed furry believer!

I don't care, I don't care where I am

I dig the good God dam

I'm building God's dam

Building God's dam all day!

Building God's dam all day...

All

You're gonna build

God's dam all day!!

[edit] Lawyers

John Sessions

You gotta watch L.A. Law

You gotta watch L.A. Law

It's got the blandest colours

You ever saw!

(Mike: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!)

Greg Proops

My name's Perry Mason, I never lose a case (John: Case, case, case!)

Everybody's always waiting, to tell me to sit on my...

I'm in power, out on the job

I'm doin' the work of the Lord, I never lose a case!

(Mike & Mark: Yeah, yeah, yeah!)

Mark Cohen

Well I'm in a wad a trouble, and let me tell you so (Greg: Testify!)

I'm going to jail Lord, that's where I'm gonna go

I went out and smoked some leaf, and now I'm part of a lawyer's brief

Oh, Lord!

Mike McShane

I'm sorry Lord! What have I done?

Was I born on the wrong side of the street? I've been havin' too much fun

I thought I was a giver, not a taker

You made me the lawyer for Reverend Jim Bakker

Oh yeah! No way, yeah!

I can't win-a cos I ain't got (Mark: Sing it, brother!)

I ain't got a chance...

All

In hell!

[edit] Hoedown

[edit] Stone Carving Hoedown

Jim Meskimen

If other hobbies leave you in the lurch

You can always break out your chisel and carve yourself a perch

That's right you can carve a marble or a granite

Just go ahead and have at it!

Ha-ha!

Christopher Smith

You may spend a couple hours cleaning off the sediment

From that age old fallen pediment

But once you have done it you will notice with ease

That it's one of them Grecian frieze!

Ryan Stiles

Well you know carving is lots of fun

It's cheaper to buy rocks by the ton

I like when I'm carving when I'm alone

But I find it's a lot easier when I am stoned!

Josie Lawrence

Everybody chisel your marble, chisel with ease

Chisel your marble please!

Chisel your marble, chisel it right down!

When you're sculpting you won't wear, you won't wear a frown!

Chisel your marble, that's all I can say (Christopher, Jim and Ryan (in background): Chisel your marble, chisel your marble...)

Hit the stone and hit it every day!

You can make almost anything you want,

Chisel your marble, chisel it right down!

[edit] Scuba Diving Hoedown 1

Greg Proops

Out on the prairie it's real dry, we don't know why

We wait for it to rain and so we can take a dive

We put on our masks, put on our tanks and dive into the dirt

And then, when we hit our heads on a rock, damn it really hurts!

George McGrath

Woo!

I like to put on real tight clothes and then go underwater

But every time I get there, I wonder if I oughta

'Cos then I see lots of things, they're swimmy-swimmin' fish

And then they make me talk (gurgling) like this!

Hey!

Ryan Stiles

I love all the fishies, all the sharkies too

When I see one come towards me, I swim like you

Out of all the friends down there, hey don't you know

There's a friend of mine, the popular Jacques Cousteau!

Mike McShane

Okay, have some fruity George Ballanshee cowboy dancing! (Mike, Greg, George and Ryan dance around the stage)

Ah, I'm a scuba diving boy

I dive for pearls and pick 'em up like toys

And when I'm deep and I really got no cares

Until I'm turning blue 'cos I ain't got no air... (gasps)

All

He's got no air, he's got no air

He's got no air, he's got no air (Mike: Got no air!)

He ain't got no air!

[edit] Skiing Hoedown

Ron West:

I put on my skis and I look like a dope

I'm goin' down the hill which is also called a slope

I feel really good when I'm doing the giant slalom

I can't ever do it right, but that's why my name's Nalom!

Ryan Stiles:

Drinking coffee and skiing can be a lot of fun

When you're heading down that long ski-run

It can be really fun, don'tcha don'tcha know?

But the best part is writing with pee-pee in the snow!

Colin Mochrie:

My girlfriend once she started to ski with a branch

But then she was swallowed up by an avalanche

It really is quite ugly, it really is sublime

But when I see slopes you know I'll pine!

Greg Proops:

Oh I'm a little yuppie, you know I like to ski

I take my beamer to the slopes, just me and my wife and mistress and me

And when I get to skiing, you know it's just a dodge

What I really like to do is pick up chicks in the lodge!

[edit] Sex Change Hoedown

Sam Johnson:

Yee-haw! Woo-hoo woo yee!

When I first did meet you, I wanted to give you a whirl

Too bad that you were not a girl

Now that all has changed, I thank my luck star

That you went to Denmark. Yee-haw!

Jane Brucker:

I tell you one thing, I think it's kinda hip

Now that I'm a guy, I never wax my lip

Ever since I just took my brand new testosterone

I've discovered that I've got myself a brand new bone!

Ryan Stiles:

My friends no longer know me, they think that things have changed

All my parts have been rearranged

They don't know me any longer as Billy

Since they cut... off my willy.

Chip Esten:

I have a little boy, you know his name is Tom

I was his daddy, but now I am his mom

I was a tough one, as tough as ol' Charles Bronson

Until I went to the hospital and they cut off my Johnson!

[edit] Motorcycling Hoedown

Greg Proops:

(mimes playing a Jews harp)

I love to ride my Harley, I ride it day and night

I drive all through the neighbourhood to give the kids a fright

It may seem kinda stupid, it may seem kinda fun

But they always freak out when I dress up like a nun!

Ron West:

I like to ride my Harley, I like to ride it fast

I get my bitch on the back of me and I slap her ass

Sometimes we go fast, we hit our jaws

I don't give a good damn about the helmet laws!

Ryan Stiles:

I like to ride my bike now, I think it's really slick

And it's the best way to pick up a chick

She gets on and waves and says her bye-byes

There's nothing like hot metal between her thighs!

Brad Sherwood:

Well Harley-Davidsons an awesome machine

Driving Kawasakis is for just a two-bit queen

I love to go riding round so manly in the dirt

And sometimes on the weekends I wear panties and a skirt!

[edit] Making Cheese Hoedown

Greg Proops:

I used to masturbate alot, I stopped it if you please

I found another hobbie, I call it making cheese

I use a tiny goat, sometimes it will curdle

When I went to get skimmed milk, I put the goat in a girdle

Colin Mochrie:

I run a little cheese shop, I sell all kinds of cheese

Just come in with money, and I'll take it if you please

I sell from all kinds of nations, from here and there

From here and there and there and here, I used to masturbate

Ryan Stiles:

I like to eat my cheese with my best friend

eat and eat and eat it, until the very end

I like to eat with my friend, don't you know is Sam

After I am done with cheese, I like to e-dam

Brad Sherwood:

I got a billion cheeses, all around my house

I like to entice my lover, which is a brownfield mouse

She is so darn happy, as she is in love with me

When we make love, we make in love in lots of warm, runny brie

[edit] Hairdressers Hoedown

Greg Proops:

Oh I hate going for haircuts, it really is a drag

'Cos I think my barber is a mighty hag!

Every time I sit in the chair I always say "Damn my luck"

Because he always cuts my ear and then I yell out "darn".

Russell Fletcher:

To get a haircut I need to save up a few bob

To get a nice knit-one so I can get that new job

But when I went in I came out a bit queerer

I hadn't been to the hairdresser, I'd been to the sheep shearer!

Ryan Stiles:

Oh I'm not sure of my barber, I think he's kinda strange

The way he likes to play at my hair he'd always rearrange

I'm not sure about him, I don't think he's my kind of guy

But I can't complain when he likes to blow me dry!

Josie Lawrence:

Well I hate hairdressers and all the things they say

They push my neck over the sink and say "Have you been on 'oliday?"

Yes I hate hairdressers, I ain't been to one since

I asked them for a blow-dry and they gave me a blue rinse!

[edit] Motorways Hoedown

Greg Proops:

When I came to England, I met me a man

He was shiny and bald, his name was Clive Ander-san

There was some confusion, "I said where's the freeway?"

He said "No you silly twat, it's called a motorway"

Colin Mochrie:

I use the motorway, each and every day

It's really turned alot like work, it really is not play

I got hit badly, and why do you suppose?

I got rear-ended by a guy picking his nose

Ryan Stiles:

Driving home from work can be lots of fun

Driving down the highway when your work is done

I love to watch the bugs splat against my glass

The last thing that goes through their mind is their big fat ass

Tony Slattery:

I love the sound of motorways when things go splat

I look out my car window and I've run over a cat

But the the thing I really hate, the worst thing in my life

Is the stupid bastard who designed the M25

[edit] Riding a Donkey Hoedown

Stephen Frost:

I was riding my donkey, up a stony pass.

I fell off... onto the grass.

I saw a man and he helped me back on,

That's why I sing this song!

Colin Mochrie:

I like to ride my donkey, I ride him all day long.

He is very, very, very, very, very strong!

(grins and dances while music plays)

Ryan Stiles:

I am a donkey, I love to haul the goods.

I think that's the way every donkey shoulds.

As I am hauling, never without fail,

Someone comes and pokes a pin right in my tail!

Tony Slattery:

I love my fluffy donkey, I like to call him Clive.

I dress him up in panties, he's the best animal alive.

I like to dress him up, in lots of frilly clothes,

And the two of us begin to star in certain videos.

[edit] Vasectomy Hoedown

Stephen Frost:

Well, I went to my doctor and he said to me

What you need is a Va-secto-me

Gonna cut your balls of and put 'em in a jar

and then he took his hat off and went "ha ha ha ha har"

Colin Mochrie:

I fight fires in Germany, they really are the worst

I will now do German in my next verse

(sings in fake German) exploden

(sings in fake German) trampolinine

Ryan Stiles:

Some people think it's really lousy job

I love the fact I work round somebody's knob

Everybody thinks it a job that really stinks

But I save all the spare parts and make out cuff-i-links

Tony Slattery:

The doctor went to work one day, he started right down there

He snipped around me tessies and around my pubic hair

For that job I am truly grateful so yes I that I do give thanks

Every time I make love, I'm always shooting blanks

[edit] Cinema Hoedown

Josie Lawrence:

The favourite thing in my life is such a crazy dream;

I'd love to be a movie star up there on the screen.

But I'll never be a movie star, no no no no no,

'Cos I'm too busy snogging on the back row!

Stephen Frost:

I love film, I could watch them all night,

I like watching them when I'm in flight,

The ones on the aeroplanes, the screens are too small,

But that's alright, don't bother me, I've only got one ball!

Ryan Stiles:

I am the person that people want to kill

Don't really mind, to me it's kind of a thrill

I'm used to it now, to me it's nothing new,

'Cos I'm the guy who comes in and sits in front of you!

Tony Slattery:

I saw a film the other day it wasn't very good

It starred something that looked like a plank of wood

I looked a little bit closer, I must have been going insane

It wasn't a plank of wood at all - it was Michael Caine!

[edit] Christmas Hoedown

Stephen Frost:

Well I love Christmas, I wish it was every day,

I love Christmas do you hear what I say?

Sometimes I go up and sometimes I go down

Did you know there was a man called Coco the Clown?

Colin Mochrie:

I love my Christmas I love it every year

Cause I shove food in my mouth I grin ear to ear

My cholesterol is high... (collapses)

Ryan Stiles:

I really love Christmas, it's better than the rest

When it comes to holiday you know it is the best

I like to celebrate I guess know how it goes

Thats why I prefer to sleep with a reindeer with a red nose!

Tony Slattery:

I like Father Christmas you know he's a hell of a man

I try to see him once a year as often as I can

When he comes I do all the locks

And he comes down the chimney and he fills up my socks!

[edit] Pony Trekking Hoedown

Josie Lawrence:

Yee-ha!

Well love is nothin' but lonely

I'd rather be with my little pony

Trekkin' on the hillside, trekkin' down the course

I love my pony, I also love my horse. (Mike: Who-hoo!)

Rory Bremner:

Yee-haw!

I like pony trekking on the Holiday Programme

I like drawing pictures everywhere I go and even diagrams

I like going on ponies and bashing them with bricks

It doesn't really hurt me but it makes them go much faster!

Mike McShane:

Yeah pony roundup in the summertime!

Pony roundup in the summertime!

I take 'em left and right on path and then I take them to the osteopath

Pony roundup in the summertime!

Tony Slattery:

I like to go a-trekkin' in the country on my pony

I'm very friendly with the critter, I say "Hello, I'm Tony!"

And then look at me, ohh look out, there's something nasty in the way:

It's not a pony dumpy, it is Mr. Anderson's toupée!

[edit] Sex Hoedown

Greg Proops:

I'm a randy bugger, I really get around

I like to have a shag with everyone in town

I have lots of fun and as happy as can be

That's because my name is Tony Slattery

Colin Mochrie:

I like making love, I do it every day

My girlfriend's a contortionist, we do it every way

It's really quite remarkable, the ways that she can bend

She also is a psycic, she foresaw her own end

Ryan Stiles:

Living in the country, there really not much to do

I love to grab anything, and have a real good screw

I guess its really bad, I guess its kind of sad

But my girlfriend looks at me and says "hey you're not ba-aaa-d"

Tony Slattery:

I am a little kinky, my panties are made of fur

I like to stay in the evenings, just me and my cucumber

Then I pull my pants down and start to paint my touche

And dress up in leather and squat on Barbara Bush

[edit] Scuba Diving Hoedown 2

Greg Proops

I dance underwater, I do a coral jig

I live there with my friend, a tiny inflatable pig

Wearing a rubber suit, that is my fervent wish

I scuba dive all day long so I can have sex with fish!

Tell me, boy!

Mike McShane

Three feet under, I'm in the water here

I've got my mask on, I'm feeling good oh dear

I'm nuzzling up to fishies in all the deep blue sea

I can't have enough fun, like Jacques Cousteau you see! Ha-Ha!

Ryan Stiles

I'm not very good at swimming, I hope that I don't drown

And if I do I hope that sooner or later my body's found

I think I'm going there now, my vision's getting soft

Where the hell when you need him is David Hasselhoff?

Tony Slattery

I like my scuba diving kit, my pleasure never ends

As long as I don't surface quickly, then I get the bends

I get all my friends and my uncles and aunties

And the most important equipment is my waterproof panties!

[edit] Halloween Hoedown

Greg Proops:

I love trick or treatin', I do from door to door

I ask for candy, ask for sweets and then I ask for more

Sometimes they give me lots of rocks and bugs

But I do not care, 'cause I trick or treat on drugs

Colin Mochrie:

Oh I'm so glad that Halloween is finally here

'cause its my favourite time, of the entire year

I dress up, and give all the kids an awful fright

I really don't know why, I'm not wearing a mask tonight

Niall Ashdown:

Last Halloween, there was a terrible blizzard

It was cause by a nasty old wizard

he looked out his window, and cast a fearful spell

and in the morning I did smell

Ryan Stiles:

Halloween can be such a special night

It's a chance to run and scream and fright

When people open the door, oh boy do they run

That's because every year I dress as Clive Anderson

[edit] Excessive Drinking Hoedown

(The main suggestion was drinking, but "toad licking" was also suggested as a vice)

Greg Proops:

I used to like the booze, I used to like the trickin'

Now I get my kicks going out toad lickin'

I go out to the desert and find myself a frog

and lick its psychedelic back till I'm high as a dog!

Mike McShane:

Out on the plains, there ain't no liquor store

There just some big cactus, and not very much more

But the Agave I'll tell ya gives the juice

You put it in, let it ferment, it really cuts ya loose - A-HA!

Tony Slattery:

(Tony pulls out a handkerchief from his mouth while muttering something for three and a half lines, so these lines are completely incomprehensible)

.............And then I cut it off!

Ryan Stiles:

Drinking lots of liquor can go right to your head

Well, one day I drank so much that I woke and I was dead

(starts to hesitate) Oh drinking it really takes some nerve

But at least I'm dead, hey, (hesitates) I am well preserved.

[edit] Reading of the Will Hoedown

Stephen Frost:

When my father passed away we had to read the will

I didn't turn up 'cos I was feeling ill

We got a letter in the post, it said I had three million quid

So I went out and bought a horse, and this is what I did - YEE-HA!

Colin Mochrie

The other day I went to my dad's funeral

He crossed himself with an elephant, it didn't go to well

The elephant was willing, my daddy he said "Ouch!"

It took me twenty-seven days to scrape him off the couch!

Ryan Stiles

My brother passed away last week, I guess that's kinda sad

Because he was the best brother that I have ever had

But he'll always be with me because we made a pact:

I'll put my hand right up him and start a ventriloquist act!

Tony Slattery

My mother died the other day, I hit her with a cosh

I hoped that in the will she would leave me lots of dosh

But when I read the will I found out that I was not rich

She just left me her knickers, what a stupid bitch!

[edit] Being Stood up Hoedown

Carolin Quentin:

Last Night I waited I waited all night long

I waited for my boyfriend I sang a little song:

"Where in the hell are you darling dear?"

But he didn't turn up so I'm still waiting here.

Colin Mochrie:

Oh I meet a girl I really really like

I hope she'd come over, but she didn't! (angrily) Can you believe it?

You know, I've been waiting! I've been waiting!

No call! No phone call! (storms off)

Ryan Stiles:

When it comes to girl I seem to have some kind of hex

I can never get I want and that is sex

I'm just a run around I scream and I rant

I guess should just pay money like my friend Hugh Grant

Tony Slattery:

I waited in the resturant I waited just all night

I drank so much whiskey I began to get quite tight

And there no-one turned up in the end and I thought "oh, no"

And then I kissed a labrador and then I ... (cracks up)

[edit] Puberty Hoedown

(Going grey was also suggested as an important stage in a person's life)

Stephen Frost:

When I was a young man I went to my friend's house for tea

But he was growing up too fast, he was going through puberty

He had hairs on his top lip and underneath his arms

His mother came in and caught us kissing and.. joined in.

Josie Lawrence:

Ho, ho, oh I hate puberty

All my things are sticking out and I have got acne

Oh, oh, oh, I do not want to grow

So if this is a Hoedown, I'll just do-si-do!

Colin Mochrie:

I like going grey, I really, really do

I really, really, really, really, please don't misconstrue

To many it's a source of consternation

But I'm quite happy with my hair pigmentation!

Ryan Stiles:

Things are starting to happen to me way below my belt

It's the strangest thing that I have ever felt

I turn out the lights and I play with my crotch

Every night when I watch all the girls on Baywatch!

[edit] Tory Politicians Hoedown

Greg Proops:

Tory politicians, they really are a drag

bumming common people, that just ain't my bag

But I am a waffler and a total prat

So next election I will vote Liberal Democrat

Rory Bremner:

(as John Major) No one likes our party, they think we're full of shit

divided over Europe, and most of us are split

We're going off on holiday, I do not really care

The feel good factor is coming soon, it's name is Tony Blair

Colin Mochrie:

Politics is very strange, it confuses me alot

There are tories, liberals, wigs and others, put me on the spot

They do things very strange (hesitates)

(Colin faints)

Ryan Stiles:

Being in power can loom really large

Seems everyone wants to really be in charge

People who want power will do anything on a dare

As a matter of fact that's why Clive ripped out all his hair

[edit] Women Hoedown

Stephen Frost:

I'm scared of spiders and animals too

So I really freak out when I'm at the zoo

But the things that scare me most of all, every now and then

Are those big tall long leggy things they call wo-men!

Niall Ashdown:

I first made love to a girl called Sheila

When we made love she proved to be a bit of a squealer

But I was scared but there isn't anything finer

Than to see her, 'cos she's from Asia Minor!

Colin Mochrie:

I'm afraid of women, especially at night

They always come towards me, they give me such a fright

They're leathery and small and their wings get in my hair

Oh wait a minute, it's not women, it's vampire bats I.. oh...

Ryan Stiles:

My girlfriend's kinda special, she's one of a kind

Down in Soho is where I did find

When I put my mouth on her she really starts to blubber

I guess that's what you get from a girl made of rubber!

[edit] Grandmothers Hoedown

(Grandmothers was the main hoedown, but a previous suggestion for a danger of the 90's was mobile phones)

Stephen Frost:

I went to my grandmother's just the other week

She greeted the door, and she gave my nipple a tweak

She's always doing that to me, when my back is turned

Last week she opened a coal shed, and there was a milk urn! (starts laughing)

Josie Lawrence:

I love my grandmother, 'cos she is very nice

I go and visit her on Sundays and she gives me some advice:

Like always use a Bible, and never shave your legs,

And tomorrow she's teaching me how to suck eggs!

Colin Mochrie:

I have a mob-eel phone, it is very neat

It dials, and calls, and washes my feet

It expands, and grows, and turns into a plane

It really is quite neat... I'm insane!

Ryan Stiles:

I love my grandmother and when the day ends

I discover that we are a bit more than friends

(audience laughs and cheers, Ryan stops singing)

...the teeth right off her gums!

[edit] World Leaders Hoedown

Greg Proops

Hi Ich bin ein German, my name is Helmut Kohl

And you know kids I really really like to rock and roll

I like to go to America, it's where I get my kicks

'Cos President Clinton knows all the easy chicks!

Rory Bremner

(as David Frost) Welcome to world leaders, my name is David Frost

I'm bringing you world leaders, no matter what the cost

(as Bill Clinton) I'm a sorta world leader, I'm a pleasant kinda fella!

(as Nelson Mandela) But I'm an even nicer bloke, my name's Nelson Mandela!

Colin Mochrie

I'm a world leader, I hate democracy

Because you know I'm a dicatator, you see

I go to make people march to and fro and back

The best thing about being dictator is I look good in black!

Ryan Stiles

Once I ruled Israel with an iron hand

I was the best leader in all of the land

Sure I was rich, but no-one lived in fear

I've got silver in my pocket and gold in my ear!

[edit] Giving Birth Hoedown

Greg Proops:

I am nine months pregnant, I tell you that it hurts

Every year I pop out a couple of little squirts

When I go into the room to have those little.. drugs...

Oh fuck my ass!

You know, failing is one of the major parts of television. If we may, I'll pick it up.

Oh I'm a little baby, I live inside my mummy

In a couple of months time I'll come out of her tummy

When I'm grown up I will run around on rugs

But so she doesn't cry I hope she takes a lot of drugs!

Karen Maruyama:

All right.

Well having a baby should be given to men

'Cos when I had mine I killed my O.B.G.Y.N.

Hey having a baby, it makes me want to beg

'Cos nothing's more painful than seeing that thing drop through your legs - OWW!!

Colin Mochrie:

There's nothing more beautiful in this great big earth

Than watching a wife... giving birth

Just seeing it fills me with ecstacy

The thing I liked best was thank God it wasn't me!

Ryan Stiles:

Watching a baby come out can be really neat

I pull up a chair and I sit right down at her feet

They call the police on me so I'm heading out the door

Apparently because she's never seen me before!

[edit] Tight Trousers Hoedown

(Pasta was also suggested as something that makes people angry)

Mike McShane:

I'm a western boy, I like my pants real tight

I like 'em long and lean and fittin' just right

When I slip 'em on they feel so nice and coolie

Especially when they've lynched me up and I'm pressed against my goolies!

Brad Sherwood:

I think pasta is religious in fact I think it's holy

I cover myself in marinara and pads of ravioli

I sometimes clean al-dente with using it like floss

And sometimes I stir it in my pants to make the special sauce!

(collapses onto the step behind in laughter)

Colin Mochrie:

I like wearing pants that are very, very tight

I wear them in the day and I wear them in the night

Sure sometimes it just cuts off all my circulation,

But I don't... (collapses)

Ryan Stiles:

When I go out clubbing my pants are mighty tight

Sometimes it gets me in many, many fights

Everybody looks at me, they go "You son of a gun!"

But I'm not actually wearing any, they're just painted on!

[edit] Marriage Problems Hoedown

Josie Lawrence:

YEE-HA!

I've been having problems, with me and my feller,

So we went to see a marriage counsellor.

Her name was Helen, she was very nice,

Now I live with her instead, and my life is full of spice.

Stephen: (points to Richard) He's good, isn't he?

Clive: Yeah.

Stephen Fry:

(speaks, way out of time with the music) Music and sex are very similar to me, I just can't make them.

Ah, whenever I do, or whenever I try to do, I find the best way is to fake them.

I've been to that Ann Summers shop, I've been in every branch,

The only way I can really get it off is with Richard Vranch.

Colin Mochrie:

I'm a great blue whale and I live under sea,

I'm having problems with my wife, and me.

She always talks about old boyfriends, it really makes me sick,

Well how the hell can I compare to a guy named Moby Dick?

Ryan Stiles:

I live in the U.S., married a girl from the south,

She's always screaming got a really big old mouth.

She comes out a-swinging, a-screamin' and a-fussin',

I guess that's what you get when you marry your sister's brother's cousin.

[edit] Weddings Hoedown

Stephen Frost:

My brother got married, his name is Grommit,

And when he walked down the aisle, I began to vomit.

The vicar cleared it up, and put it under the cake,

And at the wedding reception, we all sat and ate cake... flake... da... brake...

Greg: Is that it then?

Stephen: That's it.

Greg Proops:

I believe in marriage, I think it is a treat,

And on the day I married, I looked so very neat.

But a couple of years later, I began to cry,

It made me totally sick because my name is Lady Di.

Colin Mochrie:

I hate weddings, they make me really sick,

Just looking at them, makes me go "Ick, Ick".

I really really hate them, I hate them all the time,

You know what I hate most of all, Greg just took my rhyme!

Ryan Stiles:

I make the wedding dresses, in my special way,

I make them for those pretty girls, on their special day.

But sometimes I get angry and I make such a fuss,

When I lift up the dress and find the bride's got a penis.

[edit] Cricket Hoedown

Debi Durst:

When I'm in England I love to watch the telly

I like to watch cricket but it looks real smelly

There are these guys flyin' around in white

What the hell are they doing? Hey! Room service give me a bite!

Greg Proops:

(in English accent) I'm a cricket player, I stand upon the pitch

I wait for the ball to come, and then I give it a switch

When the game is over, I retire for a beer

I know what your thinking, and, no, we're not

Colin Mochrie:

I hate watching cricket, how do they do that play?

It seems to run and run and run, it goes on for fifty days

It takes so long, it takes so long, it really is a crime

(very fast) in the time it takes to play cricket I can make love 455 times

Ryan Stiles:

I'm going to the cricket match with a pretty girl

I really don't like the game but, hey, let's give it a whirl

I sit there and make fun, oh boy, I pick it

until she leans over, and grabs my sticky wicket

[edit] Worst Nightmares Hoedown

Stephen Frost:

When I go to sleep, I have nightmares all the time

I have this weird dream, I'm covered in lime

And a giant licks me really, really hard

And by the time he's finished, I've turned to a lump of.. lard.

Brad Sherwood:

I have lots of nightmares, and I try to be brave

I'm covered in Vaseline with my mom in a cave

Then in the morning, I wake up from a chance

And in there in my bed is Colin in my pants!

Colin Mochrie:

Every night I go to sleep, I go to sleep each night

And when I have a horrible dream it gives me quite a fright

I'm at a carnival and the big cotton candy I've won

I eat it, eat it and when I woke up I find my pillow's gone!

Ryan Stiles:

When I go to sleep at night, you know my biggest fear

That walking around the room is some sort of creat-chear... (cracks up)

Can we start over?

When I go to sleep, I'm so afraid of the dark

Then one night, I turned on the lights just for a lark

Aargh! Right before me is a real ugly creat-chear (trying hard not to crack up again)

Then I realised I'm looking in the mirror!

[edit] Golf Hoedown

Stephen Frost:

When I was a schoolboy, my teacher said to me,

I'm gonna teach you golf, this is called a tee.

You put the ball on it, and swing very hard,

But make sure you use a club and not a piece of lard!

Greg Proops:

I'm next to Colin Mochrie, he really is a chum.

Before we shoot the programme, he lets me pat his bum.

But when we go out golfing, it really makes me sick,

'Cause he always asks me to grab onto his stick.

Colin Mochrie:

I love playing golf, I play it all the time,

Though the way I play it some think it is a crime.

My golfing instructor told me it was lots of fun,

When he stepped in front of me, whoops, hole in one!

Ryan Stiles:

When I go golfing, we always bet a buck.

Then my friend kisses me, he kisses for good luck.

I'm not saying I'm aroused 'cause he is just a friend,

But when he smooches me it makes my putter stand on end.

[edit] Barristers & Lawyers Hoedown

Stephen Frost:

I was in the courtroom just the other day,

And the jury I began to sway

I was doing my final speech, it was going really well

When the judge fell asleep... Bloody hell!

Brad Sherwood:

I'm a lawyer, and I needed to hire an assistant,

I saw a girl outside, and she was awfully persistent,

She came in and told me all her legal beliefs,

Later on I fell asleep and she went through my briefs!

Colin Mochrie:

Lawyers sue for everything, it really makes no sense

I just got a suit against me because of impotence

I really thought it was awful, I felt like such a bad sport

But luckily they couldn't make it stand up in court!

Ryan Stiles:

I made a big mistake and I stole a car

Cops pulled me over before I got too far!

I know I'll get convicted and go to the pen

Because I'm being represented by Clive Ander-sen!

[edit] Lottery Winning Hoedown

Greg Proops:

Oh I love the lottery, it makes me so excited

and if I were to win it, I sure would be delighted

But every time I go to the shop, it is just a drag

I see the shopkeeper and I have to give him a shag

Rory Bremner:

I just won the lottery, my lucky number's six

Having won the lottery, I'm going to pick up some chicks

I'll take them out, take 'em dining, then have fun with them all

I can't wait to see the smile on thier face when the see my bonus ball

Colin Mochrie:

If I won the lottery, I would be one happy clown

cause then I would hire someone to do this hoedown

So if what I say isn't funny, and you're vexed

Don't worry, Ryan's coming up with funny, he's next

Ryan Stiles:

I hope to win the lottery, with a lot of luck

Boy, when I go crazy, I probably would *cough*

I wouldn't change it all, I'd keep my same old life

Sure I'd go to the whore-house, and maybe kick out my wife

[edit] Colin Hoedown

Greg Proops:

(imitating Colin's voice) I love to sing like Colin, I really, really do

I really,really, really, really, really, really do

And when I sing like Colin, It makes me have great joy

Because I...(Goes berzerk and does Colin's Dinosaur impression)

Phil LaMarr:

Well there is a man they call the King of Whose Line

His soul is on fire and his mind is very fine

He does a hoedown and he very, rarely sucks

Cause he is one talented, folically challenged Canuck

Colin Mochrie:

Everybody having fun, they're singing all about me

Let's all laugh along with them "Ha ha ha he he"

It really is amusing can't you all see

Look at them, look at them of me their making a Mock-rie

Ryan Stiles:

You got to love Colin, love him to the end

I have to admit that, he is my best friend

I would not lie to you, this is no jive

Anyway you look at it, he's still got more hair than Clive

[edit] Extra Bit: Gambling Hoedown

Colin Mochrie:

I entered the lottery, I bought myself a ticket

Watched all the numbers, I saw the people pick it

And now I'm really rich... Hey, I don't have to sing

I don't have to do this! I'M RICH! I CAN DO ANYTHING I WANT! (runs around the stage)

[edit] Questions Only

[edit] At the Vet's

Clive: ...you're going to the vet, which in England means a veterinary surgeon, rather than somebody who's served in Vietnam. So going to the vet, questions only, away you go!

Greg: Thank you, Mr. Pedantic! (Buzz!)

Clive: That wasn't a question, you're out! So...

Tony: Now what's wrong with your animal?

Colin: Can you help me?

Tony: What is it?

Colin: Can't you tell?

Tony: Aren't I the vet?

Colin: Haven't you ever seen a Burmese cat before?

Tony: Do I look as if I have?

Colin: Why are you asking me?

Tony: Aren't you the one with the problems?

Colin: Doesn't the cat look sick?

Tony: Is it dead?

Colin: Do I know?

Tony: Why ask me?

Colin: Do I look like a doctor?

Tony: What have you been feeding it?

Colin: Today?

Tony: ... (Tony cracks up. Buzz!)

Ryan: How long has he had this fever?

Colin: This cat?

Ryan: Can you see any other cats?

Colin: Can't you tell I'm perturbed?

Ryan: Is he Siamese?

Colin: Does he look Siamese?

Ryan: Are you Siamese?

Colin: Are you trying to get my goat?

Ryan: Don't we know each other?

Colin: Weren't we in class together?

Ryan: Are you Phil Johnson?

Colin: Are you Bob Fillyfoo?

Ryan: How the hell...? (Buzz!)

Clive: (motions that Colin is out) Sorry, too silly! Bob Fillyfoo's not a real name!

Greg: Do you think you can save him, Bob Billyboo?

Ryan: Do you think I have the talent?

Greg: Isn't that what you're here for?

Ryan: Is four years medical school too little?

Greg: Is five billion dollars enough to pay this fee?

Ryan: Do you have the money?

Greg: Do you need it now?

Ryan: American cash?

Greg: Will you take a bad cheque?

Ryan: Is it your cheque?

Greg: Is that what you want?

Ryan: Do you think I can help him?

Greg: Won't you help Fifi?

Ryan: Will you assist me?

Greg: Would you like me to?

Ryan: Could I have the scalpel?

Greg: Is this the one you want?

Ryan: Does blood scare you? (makes the incision)

Greg: Is that his internal organs?

Ryan: Do you see that? (takes something out and hands it to Greg)

Greg: Are you sure this isn't... something else?

Ryan: Would you like to keep it?

Greg: May I eat it?

Ryan: Wouldn't it make a great necklace?

Greg: Do you have any fondue?

Ryan: ... (Buzz!)

[edit] Circus Auditions

Josie: Is this the audtions?

Mike: Are you an august clown or a white-face clown?

Josie: Whats a white face clown?

Mike: You mean you don't know (Buzzed)

Greg: Why are you late?

Josie:Is there something in my eye?

Greg: Why do you ask?

(Josie can't think of a question and is buzzed)

Greg: Do you want to audition now?

Ryan: Is there another time?

Greg: Do you want to discuss the pay?

Ryan: Can you put it in the bank?

Greg: Is there another way?

Ryan: Do you know my wife?

Greg: Dosen't everyone?

[edit] At a Singles' Party

Josie: Why are the walls painted this colour?

Stephen: Are you pissed?

Josie: Is there alcohol here?

Stephen: Is this a party or what?

Josie: What's your name?

Stephen: ...Ah well you got me there! (Buzz!)

Colin: What's your sign?

Josie: Wouldn't you like to know, huh?

Colin: Can't you tell me?

Josie: Do you French kiss?

Colin: With my clothes on?

Josie: Do you have a naked body under there then?

Colin: Would you like to see? (pretends to take his clothes off)

Josie: ... (Buzz!)

Ryan: Should I speak or should you speak?

Colin: Do you mind if I put on my clothes first?

Ryan: ... (Buzz!)

Josie: So are you looking for love in your life?

Colin: Can't you tell?

Josie: Would you like a drink?

Colin: Shall I mix it for you?

Josie: ... What's your... (Buzz!)

Colin: What would you like?

Ryan: Do you have vodka?

Colin: Russian?

Ryan: Is there any other kind?

Colin: ... (Buzz!)

Stephen: Haven't we met before?

Ryan: Bill Crookenbauer?

Stephen: Roger Johnson? (they shake hands)

Ryan: How the hell have you been?

Stephen: All-thaaaa....!

[edit] Aliens Meeting Earthlings

Caroline: Who are you?

Colin: Can't you tell by my green skin?

Caroline: Do you like my blue skin?

Colin: (says nothing, buzzed out)

Clive: Too boring Colin, I'm afraid!

Greg: Would you like to hold my antennae?

Caroline: Do you need to ask?

Greg: (laughs and is buzzed out)

Colin: Can you take me to your leader?

Caroline: Can you tell me who it is?

Colin: How would I know?

Caroline: Do you want me to take you anyway?

Colin: Can you do it quickly?

Caroline: Can I?!

Colin: What do you mean by that?

Caroline: Do I mean anything?

Colin: Pardon? (Buzzed)

Clive: Too short a question.

Colin: Ah, Screw you! (leaves)

Greg: Would you like to use my craft?

Caroline: Where is your craft?

Greg: Can you tell me? I've forgotten!

Caroline: Have I seen it somewhere around?

Greg: Have you? (Buzzer)

Clive: I am just buzzing you out for the hell of it Caroline, because you were winning so well.

Greg: Do you come in peace?

Ryan: Are you here to conquer us?

Greg: Haven't we met on Uranus?

Ryan: Phil?

Greg: Binky?

Ryan: Have you been drinking?

Greg: Have I?!

Ryan: Tequila?

Greg: You know, don't you?

Ryan: Does your breath smell bad?

Greg: Well you haven't changed, have you?

Ryan: Do you have more than two eyes?

Greg: You can't tell, can you?

Ryan: You're going to kill me aren't you?

Greg: Interesting question!

[edit] Army Recruitment Office

Tony: So, you want to be a soldier, it that right?

Steve: Do you get a free uniform?

Tony: (slightly higher pitch) Why are you asking me?

Steve: Are they tanks

Tony: (slightly higher) Are they tanks, where?

Steve: This is the army recruitment office, isn't it?

Tony: (even higher) haven't you got eyes?

Steve: I thought the army supplied them. That's a statement, I'm out

Tony: (even higher) You want to be a ren, do you?

Colin: Isn't it obvious?

Tony: (higher) Why should it be obvious?

Colin: Why are you asking that?

Tony: (still high pitched) Aren't you a soldier? (buzzed) woah!

Clive: Too high pitched, sorry (Colin and Tony laugh, Tony leaves)

Ryan: Do I have what it takes to be a soldier

Colin: I don't know, do you?

Ryan: Can you help me?

Colin: How can I help?

Ryan: Do I get a gun?

Colin: Can you climb that rope?

Ryan: You think that's too high for me?

Colin: Is Cilla black?

Ryan: Is Barry white?

Colin: Would you like to climb beside you?

Ryan: Would you like to show me how?

Colin: Can you follow me?

Ryan: Can I come right behind you?

Colin: Do you think this is the navy?

[edit] French Romance Story

Brad: Where did I go?

Mike: Did you run and get me the gift from the chocolate shop?

Brad: How could I forget?

Mike: Are you not a man who keeps his promise's how rare you are?

Brad: Are you gonna to kiss me now?

Mike: Am I gonna give you a tongue slapping yes? (Kisses Brad)

Clive: (Buzz) I buzzing you out Brad to save you further punishment

Mike: Are you next?

Ryan: No (Buzz)

Brad: Did you have garlic for dinner?

Mike: Did you Notice?

Brad: Notice!

[edit] Stag Night

Steve: Do you wanna drink?

Brad: What do ya got?

Steve: What do ya like?

Brad: Do you have vodka?

Steve: Do you get pissed easily?

Brad: Do you wanna dance?

Steve: Are you a poof? I'm so sorry (leaves)

Colin: Am I late for the entertainment?

Brad: Aren't you the entertainment?

Colin: Have you ever seen a man juggle live bunnies naked before?

Brad: Is this my chance?

Colin: Is this the best thing you have ever seen?

Brad: What's with the bowling balls?

Colin: You mean the green one?

Brad: Is that what that is?

Colin: Have you got the money to pay me?

Brad: Will you except one quid?

Colin: What's that in American money?

Brad: (shrugs then walks off)

Clive: One quid?

Ryan: Order some bunnies?

Colin: How many have you got there?

Ryan: Is 10 too many?

Colin: Didn't you hear the order I placed?

Ryan: You placed an order?

Colin: If I didn't, why are you hear?

Ryan: Is it wrong that I am hear?

Colin: Can we start all over?

Ryan: Why don't you...? (speaks in gibberish and gets buzzed)

Brad: What do you do with the bunnies, exactly?

Colin: (laughs and get's buzzed)

Steve: Who's getting married?

Brad: Didn't you call me a poofter earlier?

Steve: You sure that was me?

Brad: You have a twin brother?

Steve: Yeah, I do (buzzed)

Colin: You nervious?

Brad: Should I be?

Colin: Didn't you hear the five minute call?

Brad: Aren't you his twin?

Colin: Why are you asking?

Brad: You heard of the FBI?

Colin: Are you gonna put me in handcuffs?

Brad: Would you like me to?

Colin: You have something smaller?

Brad: Would you like some oil to rub down with?

Colin: What kind of an FBI agent are you?

[edit] Let's Make A Date

Stephen Frost: (German U-Boat commander)(takes shoe off) Das boot!

---

Ryan:(Compulsive liar) I confessed about 10 minutes ago, I confess about 4 times a day, Being a Catholic myself, yet I really have nothing to confess about because I'm so good, I really hope one of the other contestant win, I have biggest penis is the world.

---

Stephen Fry: (as a trendy vicar) I'm a Dick, call me a Dick

---

(Question 1)

Greg: Will you describe yourself to me in a short poem?

Colin: (has a death wish) Sure... I'm handsome. No And, bits or ifs, you will be good if you threw me off a cliff. Then watch me plummet. Just plummet. Plummet down to the rocks below!! (laughs manically). I didn't rhyme with the last part, but I got involved with the imagery.

(Question 2)

Greg: Number two

Colin: Yes?

Greg: I love travelling...

Colin: Oh, trains, speeding along. Especially if your just sitting on the track, watching them come

Ryan: (Desperately trying to get aroused) Ah, come, come, come, come, come

---

Mike: (Dog making a dirty phone call) I'm exhausted, give me a bone

Brad: Isn't that fetching? Number Two? I'n not...

Colin: (Annoyed by Brad's stupidity) Isn't that fetching? Oh, come on!

Brad: Well, I'm not gonna ask you anything... bastard!

[edit] Hats

• Greg: (wearing hat with US Flag on it)(as John Major) Hello Americans. I'm Prime Minister of a rather influential European country. I'll be looking for a job soon.

• Rory: (wearing judges wig) Sorry, I'm a terrible judge of character.

• Ryan: (wearing hat stacked with fruit) I have nothing to say, I just like wearing this.

• Steve: (wearing Russian commander hat) (sound Russian and drunk) If you like vodka... (falls off stool)

• Colin: (wearing sailor hat) I said all hands on deck, leave Dick alone!

• Ryan: (wearing tall hat) Do you have a head for deals? I know I do!

• Ryan: (wearing hat with small balls attached to the sides) Try our new leather shoes. I have the balls, do you?

• Steve: (wearing British commander hat) ALL RIGHT, LISTEN HERE!!! BEEN ABUSED?! BEEN BLAMED?! THEN JOIN THE ARMY NOW! (salutes)

• Greg: (wearing set of traffic lights) I don't wanna give you mixed signals.

• Caroline: (wearing blue swim cap) I am very keen on safe sex.

• Colin: (wearing silver hat with wings) I am make love to you till I'm thor.

• Greg: (wearing Gennie hat) You don't have to rub the bottle to make me come out!

• Greg: (wearing beekeepers hat) Hey, Honey. (pauses due to audience laughter) Do you like gentle walks in the garden followed by a frenzied run back into the house?

• Ryan: (wearing a ten-gallon hat) If you like her, we'll brand her!

• Colin: (wearing a papal hat) I don't have much experience...

• Josie: (wearing a crown) It's just that everyone seems so beneath me...

• Caroline: (wearing a jockey hat) Hello! Welcome to Pony Club! (giggles) I'd love a new boyfriend, I'd like someone who's a real stallion!

• Ryan: (wearing a beekeepers hat) We promise with our girls, you won't come down with a case of hives!

• Caroline: (wearing a gold cap) (Australian accent) My name's Kylie Minogue, and if you'd like to date me I could dance and take ya out!

• Ryan: (wearing a crown) Into that unusual kinky sort of date? We've got someone fit for a king. (Whistles) Here, King!

• Colin: (wearing a Santa hat) Want your stocking stuffed?

• Josie: (wearing a burlesque-style headgear with feathers) Hi, I'm Cindy! Why not let me tickle yer fancy?

• Caroline: (wearing a yellow rain hat) 'Ello. I'd like a boyfriend who likes to go out in a high gale!

• Ryan: (wearing a deerstalker hat) Looking for a younger girl? She's in elementary school, my dear Watson!

• Colin: (wearing a tall bandleaders' hat) (flails his arms about) And that's with my hands!

• Ryan: (wearing a fortune tellers' turban) (bad Indian accent) Don't tell me... You're looking for someone slim with a big bust. Aren't we all!?

[edit] Superheroes

(Hairloss)

Greg:(Boomerang Man/Beautiful Martini Man) My God, there's hair loss all over the world! Look at Clive Anderson's head - it's like continetal drift! All the hair's going away!

---

Colin: Sorry I'm late, but I wasn't on time.

[edit] March

[edit] Hang-gliding March

Jim Sweeney

A march, march, march, march, that's what we hang-gliders do

March, march, march, march, you certainly would too.

We glide all day, we have such fun, it's great fun by the pound

Until we forget how to land and hit the bloody ground!

Sandi Toksvig:

I like to go up high, up into the sky

But there's one thing that's very unpleasant

I (speaks quickly) don't think anything's going to rhyme with unpleasant actually

(normal speed) It only happens occasionally, it only happens to some,

But every time I go up, I get a draught up me bum!

Paul Merton:

Oh I love hang-gliding, I do it every day

I sometimes go up in the air and sometimes I go to Bray

Which is near a place I used to live when I was but a boy,

Hang-gliding isn't a hobby - it's more a sort of big toy!

Mike McShane:

I'm an adventurer, I like to keep my many, many days filled,

By becoming a member of the blind hang-flyers guild.

I like to go up in the air, though I can't see a thing,

I loft off a cliff on a prayer and a wing,

Flying left or right, I really can't tell,

I have no idea is heaven up, or where the devil is hell,

But when I reach the end of it, I land up with a flash,

And make a perfect three point crash!

[edit] Banking March

Tony Slattery:

Oh fiscal things are sweet to me, in many ways they're honey,

Yes my life centres around lots and lots of money,

Oh money, money, money, I don't need wit,

To be a banker you need to be a duplicitous git.

Sandi Toksvig:

We had a cashier in our bank, well she couldn't do any counting.

Which is really difficult but she was very good at mounting.

So instead of making her into a bank teller,

We put her by a lamppost, and set up trying to sell her.

Colin Mochrie:

I love the feel of money, it's so crisp in banks.

I like the smell of dollars, of pounds, of francs.

(pauses) Instrumental!

(piano plays while Colin stares at the camera)

Mike McShane:

I'm dating a woman, the woman is a banker,

She's damn good to me, I'd really like to thank her.

She lets me make deposits every day and every night,

An early withdrawal's a penalty, but for me it's alright.

I've got lots to put in the vault,

Just because I'm loaded, it's really not my fault.

But I don't think I could find an enemy in the worst or the best,

'Cause she always charges me with interest.

[edit] Collecting Typewriters March

Jim Sweeney:

A tippity-tip, a tippity-tip, a flash on the space key,

Typewritin' for every day, that's what I do, that's me.

Typewritings great, it's absolutely the best thing in the world,

Now I know that I'm really not going to find a rhyme.

Steve Steen:

A hundred and fifty typewriters I play upon with ease,

A hundred and fifty typewriters, all with the bloody same keys,

Now what do you make of that, I say, and when I put in the paper,

I often wish I'd changed my mind and become a nice little draper.

Paul Merton:

I'm a bit of a lover, I'm not a fighter, that's why I love the old typewriter,

I'm a messy eater, I have food and when I do I spill it down the front of myself and that's why when I start getting carried away with things I put a bib on,

And my favourite part of the typewriter is the ribbon!

Mike McShane:

Hheeeeeyyyapp!

Shift, space, shift, space, shift, space, shift, space,

I'm an instructor of typewriters,

I make sure they do a good job,

I take the common man, I give him a typing plan,

And I make him a fancy typing yob.

I've got millions of typewriters in my building,

Some are German, some are French and some are Yank,

When I have them work on their exercises upon,

The typewriter I have them spell out the word "wank".

[edit] Dog-Sledding March

Josie Lawrence

I have a strange hobby, a hobby that's all mine

I like doing things with a particular canine.

Yes that's what I do, and yes that's what I said,

I like to put my doggy in his own little sled.

I take him to the hilltop, I make him go right down,

My doggy doesn't like it, he starts a nasty frown

But I just say "Oh doggy, please shut up, tush tush!"

And then I put him on my sled and then I go "Hey, mush!"

Ryan Stiles

People think the way I have dogs, the way I arrange,

They think I'm a weird guy, they think that I am strange,

I don't know what it is, I think I'm rather lucky,

When you get a dog in the sled, you really have...

Colin Mochrie

I had a dog that pulled a sled, he wasn't very fleet

So I took my gun out and I shot him in the feet

Two years later, he came back with the law

And said he was looking for the guy who shot his paw!

Mike McShane

I'm world class champion dog sledder,

When it comes to dog sleeding there's none better

I have a team of huskies, I tell them "Mush!" and "Go!"

And they plough through proudly and bravely through the snow.

I can't get enough of sledding,

It's better than feather-down bedding,

But one thing that really gets me going for my ya-ya,

Is whipping up a twelve-pack of chihuahuas!

[edit] Taxidermy March

Josie Lawrence

I love animals, because I'm kind of rough

There is not an animal in the world I wouldn't like to stuff

You see 'cos I love animals, one thing I'd love to do

Is invite you round and get some kapok and then I can stuff you - two, three, four!

Greg Proops

I am a rabbit, my life is in a rut

'Cos I sit on a wooden plaque all day with a metal rod up my butt!

Sandi Toksvig

My dog he's very unhappy, he sits upon my bed

He's very, very sad mainly because he's dead

I stuffed him up the bum with little bits of tile

I think it really hurts but he's got a heck of a smile!

Mike McShane

I'm an icthyo-taxidermist, I like to stuff large fish

A flounder or a trout is my solemn oath and wish

I like the little sardines, the anchovies give me a thrill

But stuffing lots of plankton's hard, it's hard to keep it still!

[edit] Weddings March

Jim Sweeney:

I'm going to get married, yes get married pretty soon,

And then we're off to Europe, to go on our honeymoon.

We'll be leaving bright and early off one day from Dover

As soon as I get rid of this bloody great ... hangover.

Steve Steen:

I'm going to get married, get married at my church

I'm going to get married to the prettiest wife I know.

I'm going to get there, and as soon as I arrive,

I'm going to fall down 'cos I'm pissed, I'll take a dive.

Stephen Frost:

I'm a little bridesmaid, I like to catch the flowers,

I haven't caught them once and I've been standing here for hours!

I've got a lovely frock on, it's made of silk and.. and silk,

And after I've drunk all the champagne, have a glass of milk!

Tony Slattery:

I got married yesterday, I had an awful time,

I drank two bottles of crappy British wine.

I'm going to leave my wife as quickly as I can

'Cos I don't like her, I like the best man!

[edit] Giving Birth March

Greg Proops:

Oh I'm an obstretrician, I'm strong and I'm true,

I deliver babies for you and you and you.

A woman came in yesterday, she was so very fat,

It turned out she didn't have a baby, she'd swallowed a cat.

Paul Merton:

Oh my wife just had a baby yesterday,

I was so happy that I decided to go away,

I went 25 miles, to another town,

And when I got back, the baby was upside-down.

Ryan Stiles:

I am a nervous doctor, this is a first for me,

I'll make sure to wash all my hands.

Then I'll dip in up to my elbows,

I'm the best in the land.

Josie Lawrence:

Well I'm a little baby, and I scared mum to distraction,

'Cause I popped out, whoosh, on her first contraction.

Everyone around was very overawed,

As I hung on to the umbilical cord.

[edit] Vegtables March

Jim Sweeney:

I like to go out shopping, I do it every day.

I shop over here, and I shop the other way.

I buy lots of things, but I never buy veg,

Because it's sold by a man called Reg.

Steve Steen:

I hate everything, everything that's green,

All kinds of vegetables to me are obscene.

I wouldn't spend all day working on a plot,

No, quite frankly, I'd feel a bit of a twot.

Paul Merton:

(speaks normally and out of time)

I hate vegetables, I wish they would all finish,

But amongst the vegetables I really hate is spinach.

I hate all kinds of vegetables, I hate every single one,

And if I had the right to get rid of them, I probably would, actually...

Tony Slattery:

I've got an aversion of vegetables, they really make me puke,

Except for one tomato, I like him, he's called Luke.

But the biggest pair of vegetables, that really make me sick,

Are the two from Good Morning with Anne and Nick.

[edit] Film & Theatre Styles

(Josie is Cinderella, while Paul is the Fairy Godmother)

Clive: Oscar Wilde

Josie: Oh please, I do so want to go to the ball. Would you like a cup of tea?

Paul: That's very Oscar Wilde, that is! You can always tell a man by the way he drinks his tea. A man who drinks with the handle facing towards him is necessarily a Liberal. A man who drinks without a cup is obviously mad!

Clive: That was almost as if Oscar was in the room!

(Julian Clary is a door-to-door salesman knocking on Paul's door)

Clive: Greek tragedy

Julian: (to Paul)Why? Why haven't we met before? (to audience) That's the chorus.

Paul: Because I have only just moved into the area.

Julian: (to Paul) I've come to sleep with your mother then kill her. (to audience) In that order.

Paul: I'm afraid I've done it already!

Julian: How about your father? Is he around?

Clive: Pirate movie.

Julian: Well if you don't want my brushes, then...

Paul: Do you fancy a Jolly Roger?

Julian: Yes.

(Greg and Mike are fixing a motorbike)

Mike: So, you've borded out so it can move alot faster?

Greg: Yeah, man, it's totally chared. The bikes all waxed, greese gonna shoot through, BOOM, gone

Mike: It's toally bitchin', these handle bars are chromed, everythinh looks great

Greg: Totally, wanna take a ride?

Clive: (buzzes) Now let's do that in English

Greg: Where's that famous pluck?

Clive: Is that ryming slang?

(Colin is teaching Ryan to parachute jump)

Ryan: (Opens plane door)

Colin: (moves hair with his hands)

Clive: (buzzes) What's that?

Colin: Hair. Blowing in the wind

Clive: I remember. Shakespeare

Ryan: The sky, the sky beyond the door is blue

Colin: Aye, it is blue (pauses for a few seconds)

Clive: (buzzes)(speaks while laughing) That was the worst Shakespeare I have ever heard!!

(Tony is being put in prison and Paul is the jailer)

Clive: Horror.

Tony: What a horrible suit!

Paul: That's good from someone who's dressed up like Doc Holiday

Clive: This is just lapsing into personal abuse.

Paul: You shut your face!

Clive: Film Noir.

Paul: Listen Norris (Tony looks at audience and mouths "Norris?!") Yes, Norris, that's your name. Bert Norris! Listen, you're never going to get out of prison. I'm going to turn the light off, look.

Tony: (mimes smoking a cigarette) Yes, it's interesting how the...

Paul: Hello, where's the cigerette come from? What's all this? (mimes cigarette) Excuse me while I get on my moped!

Clive: I think it's been a long time since you've been on this show Paul. Doctor Who

Paul: Alright then (Tony moves to left of stage and Paul follows) Oh, looks, it's Doctor Who

Tony: Have you noticed that this cell is bigger inside than on the outside?

Paul: Yeah, but you can say the samne thing about my underpants

(Greg is a gremlin, while Colin is the owner and forgot about keeping Greg away from water)

Clive: Do something Scottish, like Braveheart

Greg: (in Scottish accent) Well, you can dry me out, but you'll ne'er take away me freedom! I'm a Scottish gremlin, so don't expect me to buy the drinks

Colin: (also in Scottish accent) Och! Dinnae gimmie that rubbish! Ya wee baranie ochie nochie fochie

Greg: Did you call me a wee baranie ochie nochie fochie

Colin: Aye, and I can say ooch, och, ach

Clive: Okay, good shirt for this, but the accent isn't very convincing. Australian Soap

Greg: (in Australian accent) You've got gob over me, mate

Colin: (Still in Scottish accent) Och aye, I did

Greg: Now you got gob all over yourself

Colin: Och, I hate being doon under

Greg: Dad, I can not... (starts laughing)

Colin: We got ti stop you from being a gremlin, och, och, aye

Clive: Why have the scots invaded Australia?

[edit] Film Trailer

[edit] He Invaded My Chip Shop

(dramatic trailer music begins)

Greg: From the makers of "He Stole My Doner Kebab", it's "He Invaded My Chip Shop!" She was a girl working in a chip shop. He was a man with chips on his mind.

Mike & Ryan: (enter)

Mike: I'm hungry! Hungry, d'ya hear? Hungry and lots of salt!

Ryan: You're not enough of a man to handle my chips!

Greg: But then the night came, when a small dark stranger entered the chip shop and changed their lives forever!

Tony: (enters on his knees)

Tony: (camp voice) Hello!

Mike: Say buddy, you have to be above this line to eat here! (Tony's eye line is to Mike's trouser zip!)

Greg: Thrilling romance!

Mike: (hides Tony's face in his jacket bottom)

Greg: Terrifying chase scenes!

Mike, Ryan & Tony: (mimic running around in panic)

Greg: Disgusting battered chips!

Ryan: (cries as he batters the chips - literally!)

Mike: (cries) Stop it!

Tony: (sticks tongue out in disgust)

Greg: Starring Cheese Crevace as Doug the Stranger!

Tony: (steps forward)

Greg: Karl Winkley as Otto - he had a lot on his mind!

Mike: (steps forward with a moody face)

Greg: And Beverley Chest as Gwendoline, and introducing her breasts!

Ryan: (steps forward, Tony mimics Ryan's breasts)

Greg: "He Invaded My Chip Shop", coming to a theatre near you. No-one will be seated during the last fifteen pork rolls!

[edit] Revenge of the Sheep Shearer

Clive: Can somebody suggest an imaginary film title?

Audience member: Sheep cutting.

Clive: What?

Audience Member: Sheep shearing

Clive: You changed that, didn't you, as I was turning around. Alright, the revenge of the sheep shearer. Make it the revenge of the sheep shearer.

Greg: That's not what he said!

Clive: I know, but I'm turning it into a film title. Don't quibble.

Greg: I shan't quibble Mr Anderson. Pray, let us move on. Comedy awaits!

Clive: It's been awaiting for some time, Greg!

Greg: Revenge of the sheep shearer then.

Clive: Yeah, if that's not too much trouble.

(trailer music begins)

Greg: From the people who brought you "Sheep Cutting" it's "Revenge of the Sheep Shearer", a movie which takes place in the heart of the Basque country. She was a young girl with loving on her mind.

Tony: (enters)

Greg: He was a vicious bass warrior who bit the testicles off sheep.

Ryan: (enters)

Tony: No, what fresh hell is this?! (Tony and Ryan exits)

Greg: He was a facistic Spanish colonel who would get his way no matter what.

Colin: (enters) I want my way!

Greg: See the thrilling chase through the mountains with Daisy the Wonder Sheep! Thrill to the flight for freedom as there's a punchout using payaya!

Tony: (throwing food at Ryan) Take some prawns!

Greg: See the facistic colonel beat Daisy and everone else within his reach with a birch rod!

Tony: Aarrrggh!

Colin: I told you, I'm very dangerous!

Greg: Starring Deep Sleazely as the facistic Spanish colonel.

Ryan: (enters)

Greg: Hear him say:

Ryan: I love the Dutch!

Greg: Carl Nibbley as Veronica.

Tony: (enters)

Greg: Hear her heave fretfully:

Tony: I've split my pants, look! (Ryan is trying not to laugh)

Greg: And introducing Dalia Anderson as Daisy the Wonder Sheep.

Colin: (enters) Now the sheep's hit the fan!

Greg: It's "Revenge of the Sheep Shearer". No-one will be seated during the last three mutton. Coming to a theatre near you.

Clive: Okay, well done... well, um... um... Tony, you deliberately split your trousers there...

Tony: I did not!

Clive: ... to get some cheap, in order to get some cheap laughs.

Tony: I didn't!

Clive: And you get double points for that, well done. Now, we do a game called 'Moving People', this is... Colin and Ryan are going to be doing this... leave yourself alone, Tony! Time enough for that later! Now, they've got to act out a scene but they can't move on their own, they have to be put into position by... what's happening?

(Colin & Ryan walk down for Moving People, Tony continues fiddling with himself, Richard and Greg check out Tony's trousers)

Greg: Oh, shit!

(Ryan runs in a camp way)

Greg: I can't describe what I just saw!

[edit] Helping Hands

(Tony is at Ryan's Barbecue with hands provided by Colin)

Ryan: How about a few impressions?

Tony: Alright then

Ryan: pickles! Pickles! (picks up pickle jar and struggles to open it) Can you open this for me?

Tony: No

Ryan: (under breath) Bastard!

[edit] Daytime Talk Show

[edit] Washing Up

Josie: When did this fear of washing up liquid start?

Stephen: I think it was when persil suddenly went into the market and started bringing out a lemon one... and I don't know why, I used to make things dirty just so I can wash them up. I find myself (cries). I'm sorry

Josie: (places hand on Stephen's knee) Fred

Colin: Yes?

Josie: C'mon. Now, it's very, very brave of you to be able to...

Stephen: Can you take your hand off me fucking knee?

Josie: Sorry. As you can tell, the emotions... really hot in here. (to Colin) Fred. You had some terrible... because of... W.U.L

Colin: I was at Niagra Falls... on my honeymoon... my wife and I had a novelty act... where we would tie many dished and pots and pans to our bodies... and go over the falls

Stephen: (to Colin) We've all been there, love.

Colin: My wife didn't have her protective helmet on. She was dashed to the rocks below! (acts upset) Every dish broken! I have not worked since then! I am constantly being put on pills to relax me! They're not working!!

Josie: Fred, Fred! Look at me.

Colin: (eyes shut) I am!

Josie: Did you get the dishes back together

Colin: Yes, but my wife can't be glued back together again!

Josie: Now, John.

Ryan: Yeah?

Josie: C'mon, be brave

Ryan: I am brave

Josie: You can't begin to tell the horror you had with washing up liquid. You're on this programme today, John, and I want you to try.

Ryan: It's ruined my life! My wife has left me!

Colin: Did you tell her boyfriend?

Ryan: Shut... up! She took the dishes away, brought in paper plates, I washed those, she took away my sponge, I used the cat, I took off layer after layer of skin! I used to weigh over 420 pounds! (cries) When will it end? (mimes washing dishes, other three tries to stop)

Josie: Stop it!

Colin: The Government needs to step in and start washing up programs.

Ryan: (mimes washing with the cat) Meow, meow, meow!

Stephen: We're all like you, we're all fucking washed up!

[edit] Jack and the Beanstalk

Ryan: (to Colin) I can't give you your cow back... if you know what I mean

Patrick: On more question... (points to Wayne) You!

Wayne: Yeah, I'm on the sanitation crew, we're responsible for cleaning up the giant's carcass... it's taking a long time, that's a big man

Ryan: Why don't you take care of it? Just take care of it

Wayne: Because I am doing it

Ryan: Just do it

Wayne: Shut up, you lanky bastard! I will kill you!

[edit] Stand, Sit, Lie/Bend

Ryan: ...and that's why the French don't wash

---

Colin: I thought you were meant to file your nails

Brad: I did, I filed them under "F"

[edit] Courtroom Scene

[edit] A Crime of Passion

Stephen (the prosecutor): Thank you, m'lud. A crime of passion is the worst crime to commit.. involving.. passion.

Jim (the judge): Oh well put, sir. Well put.

Stephen: There, I rest my case. No, I would like to call my first witness, who was a witness to the murder on the 4th of the 9th of January. (Tony enters in a flying helmet with goggles)

Stephen: Could you state your full name and occupation.

Tony: My name is Princess Margaret! (gives Stephen the "two finger salute")

Stephen: And what do you do?

Tony: I'm very soon in line for the throne, and can I have a drink?

Stephen: No, I'm sorry we cannot oblige you at this time, Princess Margaret. (bows) Could you tell... (Tony headbutts Stephen, who falls to the floor)

Jim: Oh, excellently put I felt! Who's your next witness? Move this thing along, I've got a very important lunch.

Stephen: M'lud, this next witness I think will crack this case wide open. (Steve enters wearing a child's hat)

Stephen: Now this bor, poor boy here, has no parents, as they both murdered each other in a lover's argument. Could you explain what it was about, Little Billy?

Steve: It was all about you. It was about you coming inbetween them, the way you did.

Stephen: (Pauses) Well, it was one of those nights!

Steve: I think you've been drinking! I smell drunk man's drink on your breath!

Stephen: I, I suggest you withdraw that!

Steve: Alright... (makes rewinding sound, Stephen goes and gets into intelligble discussion with Jim. Tony enters in a Robin Hood hat and slaps his thigh)

Stephen: M'lud, this is my star witness, the late... Freddie Johnson.

Tony: Oh no he isn't!

Audience: Oh yes he is!

Tony: Oh yes he is! I'm just fresh from panto! Whaddaya wanna know? Look at that! (hits Stephen and does a silly dance)

Jim: Oh yes, an excellent witness! Ask him to do the pussy joke, would you?

Stephen: I'm afraid not, m'lud. Could you raise...

Tony: No, I want to do the pussy joke!

Stephen: No, you can't do the pussy joke!

Tony: All right!

Stephen: Raise your right hand. (Tony does) Now your left hand. (Tony does, again) Ha-haa! (Stephen tickles under Tony's arms)

Jim: Very good, I've heard more than enough, you've outlined your case very well.

Stephen: Thank you, m'lud.

Jim: I have no choice but to find the person guilty because they're obviously not a mason.

(Post-game)

Clive: Well, we started and ended on a satirical note, the rest was pure... farce, but there we are. I've got some points to award, but I'll do that later.

[edit] Stolen Lego Bricks

Jim: Ladies and Gentlemen of the jury, we shall now hear the prosecution

Paul: I will prove to you mi'lord that some Lego Bricks have been stolen by a person or persons unknown

Jim: whoopie-doopie, I can bearly wait, lead on

Paul: I would like to call my first witness "Boppo the Clown"

Jim: Boppo the Clown??!!

Tony: (in small pink hat) (does weird dance)

Paul: No further questions, mi'lord

Jim: Your next witness is...?

Paul: I would like to call the Roman em-em-emporer, who had a stutter, which is why I stuttered there, to make him feel at home. I would like to call I Claudious

Jim: Spendid

Steve: (wearing Roman reef)

Paul: Is your first name "I"?

Steve: y-y-y-y-y-y-yes

Paul: Whose bloody fingerprints were they on the mantlepiece?

Steve: Sissy Fairfax

Paul: (to Jim) Sissy Fairfax. No further question mi'lord

Jim: Objection!!

Paul: Objection? What is this objection, mi'lord?

Jim: No idea. Carry on

Paul: I would like to call a surprise witness, Ms. Sissy Fairfax herself.

Jim: You didn't tell me!

Paul: Yes, I know, it's a surprise witness. I surprised myself

Tony: (in pointy hat) I'm here

Paul: Sissy Fairfax, are you not eligible for a Government grant?

Tony: Yes, I am, you left your underpants in the kitchen

Paul: (to Jim) I would like to take this witness home and roger him

Jim: Very well, case dismissed

[edit] Stolen Chicken Case

Colin: (bangs gavel on Stephen's hand) Sorry. Order in the court! Order in the court!

Stephen: Objection. That bleedin' hurt.

Colin: Overruled. Call your first witness please.

Stephen: Certainly your honour. I'm about to tie up the loose ends of this ridiculous chicken stealing case. (Tony enters in furry hat, covering his eyes)

Stephen: Will you please raise your right hand. (Tony raises his left hand) Put it down, that stinks. Now, give me your name please.

Tony: I am the dowager Duchess of Verona.

Stephen: Ha HA!...

Colin: (bangs gavel) Sustained!

Stephen: And where were you on the 29th of the 5th of the 7th of the 4th of the ... I can't remember the date but it all ends in 72.

Tony: I was inserting myself in this badger. I'm afraid I won't be a terribly useful witness as I saw nothing.

Colin: I'm sorry, this witness is immaterial. Please call your second witness, and then call your mother, she worries. (Ryan enters in army officer's cap)

Stephen: Now, your full name and rank please Lieutenant. Whoops, gave it away. Never mind.

Ryan: Lieutenant Jack, the frozen chicken king. I raise chickens, I kill 'em, I freeze 'em and eat 'em.

Stephen: So this man would have every motivation to steal the chicken!

Ryan: Not really. I own the farm.

Stephen: No further questions your honour. I made a complete prat of meself with that one.

Colin: You better come up with something more sustaining... I'm tired, go ahead.

Stephen: Will you please state your full name.

Tony: (enters in brown hat) 'Ello. 'Arry the 'at, 'Arry the 'at, end of the pier comedian, joke for every occasion. 'Ere we go, why did the chicken die? Who knows?

Stephen: That is what we are here to find out.

Tony: Look over there! (kicks Stephen as he looks away)

Stephen: Molesting the prosecutor your honour.

Colin: Objection!... Sustained!... This Courtroom is a Mochrie! (constatly bangs gavel) I want my next witness!!! (end of gavel breaks off)

Stephen: I'm sorry your honour.... Where's the end of your gavel?

Colin: It's immaterial.

[edit] Scene with a prop

Tony: (holding a sign) Can you read that?

Paul: Yes I can

Tony: What does it say then?

Paul: "Stop, children"

Tony: Well...?

Paul: I'm 34

[edit] Bloopers

[edit] Series 2

(Rap)

Mike McShane:

The best thing about my royal-tee

I gotta think of a guy named Edward Three?

He was the king for a little while

He had lots of grace, he had lots of style

Now don't get me wrong and don't shoot me dead

I think he got friends with... oh fuck that!

---

(Story)

Clive: Can I ask you, sir, can you think of a country where this story could be set?

Audience Member: Um... Norfolk

Clive: Norfolk? You're...

Audience Member: It's in England

Clive: I know it's in England, you're from the Norfolk Nationalist Party are you?

---

(Rap)

John Sessions:

Pin stripe... ripe... right

Nope, I can't do it. Can't do it

---

(introducing Whose Line)

Clive: Hello, and welcome to Whose Line Is It Anyway? and... this... toni... ergh!

---

(Remote Control)

Paul: A zebra from Windsor Safari Park makes an interesting point. He said "In the IRA coverage recently he... (starts to laugh) Oh, fuck it, never mind!

[edit] Series 3 (London)

(Alphabet...)

Clive: (to audience) Which letter of the alphabet would you like to start off with?

Josie: (mouths) Oh no

Clive: Q? A real cruel one to start with. So you start with Q. You've got to get all the way round to P... and the situation you've got to improvise is - one is talking the other one into taking a parachute jump

Josie: Do we start with Q?

Clive: Start with Q and end with P at the end

Sandi: She's been practising from A, though

Josie: I have, I didn't realise you were...

Clive: Yes, well, it give some sort of innovation

Josie: ...sorry, I forgot...

Sandi: Parachute. (starts) Queen's Regiment, their going to take us up in their plane

Josie: (laughs) I'm sorry... can we start again?

Clive: In your own time, Josie

Sandi: It's only one letter

---

(Authors)

Paul: Ms. Marple entered the room. She said "If if not mistaken, the Colonel was killed with this omnibus edition of the Guardian Crossword Dictionary." "That's amazing Ms. Marple, how can you tell?" She said, "I can tell, simple by looking at him, he is a man... who..." Oh for fuck sake! Sorry, I got really bored with that. I'll start again...

---

(...alphabet...)

Clive: I'll give you a hand, it's R next...

Josie: (goes through the alphabet until R, then goes to S!)

---

(Tag)

Clive: You bring out the worst in people, you go on your knees...

Sandi: What do you mean, I bring out the worst in people?

Clive: ...or have you been on your knees all evening? (audience boos)

Sandi: (marches over to Clive's desk) Sorry, I didn't hear that, BALDY!! (audience cheers)

Clive: Well there it is. It's probably because your ears are close to the ground.

Paul: Are you bald, or is you neck blowing bubble gum? (Mike shakes Paul's hand)

Clive: I'm not bald, I'm just taller than my hair!

---

(...alphabet)

Clive: Starting with the letter Q...

Josie: What are we doing? Parachute jumping?

Sandi: Yes, dear

Clive: Start with Q... away you go

Sandi: Quantum mathematically speaking, it is completely safe

Josie: Right, I read that somewhere

Sandi: So, shall we go?

Josie: Urgh!! (Sandi makes T with her hands) Shit!!

---

(Musical)

Josie: Have you given up all your bad habbits dear?

Tony: (while looking at Mike) No. He still picks his bum.

Mike: DAMN YOU. And I haven't stopped kissing men on the lips! (grabs Tony and gives him a huge kiss)

[edit] Clive Anderson Quotes

[edit] "Welcome to Whose Line is it Anyway?...."

• ...or if you've been watching repeats, a brand-old edition of Whose Line.

• ...If you haven't seen the show, this is the greatest show on TV. If you have seen this show, you'll know I always start the show with a very big lie.

• ...the show which has been compared to Titanic. No, I'm not talking about the movie, the sinking ship

• ...another amazing, funny, brilliant... no wait, it's Whose Line is it Anyway?

• ...we are going to show you the pilot episode. Most of the elements present in the final show are present in this experimental version; though you will notice, I hope, that I'm not introducing it at all; it's introduced by my identical twin brother who's looking very, very, uncomfortable

• ...where everything is made up as we go along, whether they make sense or badger.

• ...the show where "rehearsed" is a dirty word, and dirty words are over-rehearsed.

• ...the show which does for comedy...

• ...the show which makes Neighbours look over-rehearsed

• ...the show that's funnier than a speech by John Major. Or, if you are in America, a speech by that chap who took over from Margaret Thatcher.

• ...the improvisation show that makes Reservoir Dogs look like 101 Dalmations and Silence of the Lamb look like an advert for pure virgin wool

• ...the improv show that keeps the performers on thier toes, the audience at the edge of their seats and me at the end of my tether.

• ...the improv show that makes comedy out of nothing. Or is it nothing out of comedy?

• ...if you haven't seen this show before, then this is the first time you've seen it.

• ...the programme which puts the performers on the spot, puts the audience in command and keeps me in a job. Well, just about

• ...the show which makes Melrose Place look over-rehearsed

• ...the improvisation program which offers more excitement than a rainy day at the test match, or a whole series of games of baseball.

• ...in Hollywood, yes, we've come to the town of megabucks and megabudgets to do our usual economy priced programme

• ...tonight, we've got the A-team, the best we can put together. No, wait, I read that wrong. We've got a team, the best we can put together

[edit] Post Games

• (after a rude game) I have to give the most amount of points to that game. 69.

• (after Stand, Sit, Lie) That's always my favourite game, although, it's not much fun on your own.

• The scores are level. All different scores, but all levelly written out on the score sheet

• (after Sex Hoedown) If we are still on the air, I think it's time to stop...

• You gained 2 points out of 3 for that, Greg, two gained and three deducted

• That's the best game we've ever played this week, shame it isn't a scoring round

• It's always good to end a game on a laugh, but you can't always get what you want

• The scores are so exciting, I can just be bothered telling you what they are

• The scores are very exciting, but then, I have no life

• The scores are really hotting up, if only in my armpits

• What's the score for that round? Who cares.

• I found scoring that round confusing, so I split it into four columns, hoping it will help

• (in 1995) I'm a bit behind on my scoring, as I have just scored series 1

• 10 points to Colin and a contract to the Royal Shakespere Theatre to Ryan (Ryan: The sky is blue)

• The scores are neck and neck, which rules me out

• 169 points. I have never scores in that number, but there it is.

• The scoring is very interesting. In fact, I think I'll stop and look at them, they are so interesting

• The scores are very exciting, of course, I'm lying.

• The scores are even Steven. No, even Stephen is winning

• The scores are dead level, apart from the one that's just gone into the lead

• Ryan and Greg has went into a shock, third place

• I have just given alot of points in that round, but to who? Who knows?

• Ryan has went into a one point lead. I don't think the other's are going to catch him

• Well, that's changed the scores. Oh, wait, I've got the score sheet upside down

• (introducing Scenes from a Hat) Lots, of points in this round. Remember, the more we get through, the more we will have done

• There are lots of points in this round, as if you cared

• Lots of points... um... over there

• Quite alot of points in this round, so... so there

• ...and they said that game wouldn't work. And it didn't

• I don't know how to score that game. Mostly because I was asleep

[edit] Welcome back...

• ...that was the best set of ads we've ever had!

• ...or if you've just joined us, Where have you been?

• ...to part two, with the exciting news that we've done part one

• ...wtih thunderous cheers and that was just for the ads

• ...I've just been working out how much money Tony made during those adverts

• ...what a fantastic audience we had last week!

[edit] Clive vs Greg

Clive: (picking a crisis for Superheroes) Perishing Elastic

Greg: What was that?

Clive: Perishing Elastic... elastic is a substance we have over here that stretches. It perishes, things fall down, things go wrong.

Greg: When's it gonna stop, huh? The aggression?

Clive: When you give us our colonies back... So, you're Mr Muscle/Mr Zimmer Man and the problem is perishing elastic.

Greg: We call Zimmerframes "Walkers", for our American friends.

Clive: Oh, do you? They're crisps over here and you're just one letter away from what we call you.

Greg: (starts)(sounds old) Well, I better... (mimes breaking zimmer) I am so powerful, I knew I was gonna break this zimmerframe. I'll throw it towards the prat with the bald head.

---

Clive: (Starting Superheroes) What superheroes should Greg be?

Audience Member #1: Useless Man

Clive: Useless Man?

Audience Member #2: Caterpillar Man

Clive: Caterpillar Man... That kind of, gives him more to play with. Useless is... kind of what he is. I didn't mean that. Caterpillar Man is very good. What is the problem...?

Audience Member #3: Pants are too small

Clive: Pants are too small? We've done that haven't we?

Greg: If we have, I sure it was fraught with hilarity

Clive: Well, with that challenge, let's go ahead... pants are too small... You're Captain Caterpillar

Greg: Captain Caterpillar?

Clive: You can bring elements of Useless Man, if you want

Greg: I'll be Captain Caterpillar, and you just sit there and be Useless Man like usual... is it about time to make some kind of inappropriate American reference here?

Clive: Not yet, you do the show... Yank

Greg: I can take a few hits...

Clive: Get on with it, Greg!!!

---

Clive: (starting Party Quirks) Is the party ready, Greg?

Greg: Yes, it's a come-as-Colin-doing-a-dinosaur-impression (does Colin's dinosaur impression)

Clive: Colin is good at dinosaurs. Better than, say, you?

Greg: You know, I could sit in that chair and smart-off and you can get your butt up here and work.

Clive: Well, you get a better agent. (rings the bell)

Greg: (mimes holding the 'door' closed) Oh, I can hold this door closed for as long as you have quips...

Clive: What are you...?

Greg: ...but I won't.

Clive: What are you hoping to do? Wear my finger out? (stops ringing bell, sticks middle finger up) I've had long years of practice with that finger!

---

Clive: (introducing Sports Commentators) You have sport in America, right?

Greg: Yeah, and sometimes we beat the Germans (gets booed at by the audience). That's because we never play them.

Clive: You do in the war... when you join in (gets cheered by audience). I don't think the Germans play Baseball.

Greg: I'd like to chat, but I'm a little busy doing an improv show.

Clive: Have you worked out what the simple words mean yet?

Greg: (laughs) Yes, I have Mr. A.

Clive: Jolly good.

Greg: Maybe you're confusing this with your other show, where you just talk, talk, talk and never let anyone else speak.

---

Clive: What superhero is Greg? (audience member shouts out "Jelly Man").

Greg: You got a different jelly over here.

Clive: Well, what do you call it?

Greg: We call it jell-o.

Clive: Oh right, so when I say "Jelly" I mean "Jello" in America.

Greg: (Starts laughing) and whenever I say "naff git" that means "Clive Anderson".

---

Clive: What country should this report be set in? (audience member shouts out Nicaragua). So Nicaragua it is.

Greg: As we say in the States, Nickera-gwa.

Clive: Nickera-gwa?

Greg: We don't pronouce every single letter. Like your name is Cliv.

Clive: And yours is "Wally" over here.

Greg: He shoots, he scores!

---

Clive: [Perform a hoedown] In the style of someone's hobby.

Audience Members: (Making cheese, masturbation and various others)

Clive: Making cheese. There was a cry of "masturbation" but I think you're on your own on that. I don't know about it myself, let's do the making cheese hoedown.

Greg: You got it, Clive.

Clive: You sing it, Greg.

Greg: Stand-by, fresh funk-meister.

Clive: Get on with it, before my funk gets stale. (for the hoedown, see above)

---

Clive: You're Junk Man. Ok? We want a crisis that he's gonna, some crisis facing the world, or some problem he's gotta solve.

Audience Member: English television! [crowd boos]

Clive: Oh, dear! [Greg points and laughs at Clive] So, Junk...Junk Man has gotta solve English television's problem... [crowd cheers] ...though it's thoughtfully obvious that Junk Man would just turn it into American television, but there we go - [crowd boos Clive] - oh, that's gonna get the crowd on my side, isn't it?

Greg: Bad call, homeslice!

[edit] Clive Vs Paul

Clive: (during Film and Theatre Styles) You were supposed to be in a bar

Paul: I'm trying, but you keep on buzzing. Slaphead.

Clive: (looks at camera) I'm sorry to announce the untimely death of Paul Merton, by my hands

Paul: I lasted longer than your hair did, though

[edit] Clive Vs Mike

Clive: What object should Mike sing about?

Audience Member: Hose Pipe!

Clive: Okay, singing about a hose pipe.

Mike: Meaning...?

Clive: Oh, you don't have those in America?

Josie: A garden hose.

Clive: Yes. Elvis had a small one didn't he?

Mike: It's not the size of the hose that counts, its the amount of water you can get through it.

---

(See Song Styles & Duet above)

Clive: Early rock & roll, an old boiler.

Mike: Early rock and roll? What? Before this (raises his hand to his forehead) point in your hairline, or this part...? It's sorta like a sequoia, we can, like, chart, you know...

Clive: That's right, just when it caught up with yours, Mike!

[edit] American version

[edit] Brad Sherwood

[edit] Hoedowns

I am losing my hair, and it really is a pain

I found out every morning when I see the shower drain

But as you can see, it isn't quite for me

But at least I'm not quite as bald as Colin Mochrie.

---

One day I was frisky, I went for a drive

I took all my handguns and shot myself alive, I... [Cracks up and falls to the floor]

---

Every family reunion, it's such an awful night

It's my whole family getting in a fight.

Then, later on, they try to do a dance,

But it's not family reunion until my uncle drops his pants!

[edit] Scenes from a Hat

Drew: Famous last words.

Brad: (leading Wayne) Right this way, Miss Lewinsky.

Drew: Least likely person to wind up on a stamp.

Brad: (leading Wayne) Right this way, Miss Lewinsky.

---

Drew: Nightly bedside prayers of Whose Line cast members.

Wayne: Lord, please don't let the Mr. Drew Carey into my window tonight.

Brad: Lord, please make Ryan stop wearing clown shoes.

Wayne: [right after Brad] Lord, please give me ring-side tickets when Ryan kick Brad's ass.

---

Drew: What models say to each other passing on the runway.

Brad: [He and Ryan walk past each other] Did you see Brad Sherwood on Whose Line? He's so cute!

Colin: I'm lost! I'm lost! I don't know where I'm going!

---

Drew: Rejected endings for the movie, Titanic.

Brad: I'm king of the squirrels!

---

Drew: Celebrity endorsements doomed to fail.

Brad: I'm Bette Davies for "Anti-Aging Cream".[pretends to smear himself]

---

Drew: The good news and the bad news.

Brad: [with Wayne] The good news is that we're going to name a disease after you.

[Brad turns and leaves while Wayne just realized it's a bad news after Brad left]

---

Drew: Bad things to say over the flight attendance system.

Brad: Did you see the jugs on the girl in row four?

Drew: [after Brad] Bad beginnings for poems.

Brad: Did you see the jugs on the girl in row four?

Drew: People you don't wanna see at a nudist colony.

---

Drew: Words that sound dirty but aren't.

Brad: Yeah, I'll have the uh futtbukker.

Wayne: Hi, I'm Farmer Dick, and this is my prized cock.

---

Drew: Refreshingly honest statements that'll get you a black eye

Brad: [pulling Ryan to the stage with him] Ryan, did anyone anyone tell you that you look like Doogie Howser? [Ryan pretends to punch Brad in the eye]

[later]

Brad: [pulls Ryan to the stage again] I want you to punch me hard in the eye! [Ryan pretends to punch Brad's crotch]

---

Drew: The secret double lives of "Whose Line" cast members.

Brad: I'm Colin Mochrie.

[hums striptease music and pretends to strip. Colin comes out and "sits down" to watch]

Colin: I'm Brad Sherwood!

---

Drew: Pickup lines of game show hosts.

Brad: SHOW ME BOOTY!

---

Drew: Statements if the first man on the moon was a celebrity

Brad: This is one step for man, one giant step for me! Brad Sherwood!

[buzzer]

Drew: I said celebrities!

Brad: Oh! [pauses]. [Speaks in a kid-like fashion] That was mean!

[edit] Superheroes

• [as Tom Arnold] Ok, I'm awake, I'm awake, I'm awake. Uh, I can't remember if I'm still famous or not. Oh, am I famous? (fidgets around) Ah, I gotta do somethin' crazy, I gotta get arrested or marry another really famous fat girl, uh. Oh! My God, we're out of, ceramic, what am I gonna do, what am I gonna do? Well... I can break my giant photo of Rosanne up into pieces. No that won't work! Oh, if only I still did drugs, oh gosh! What am I gonna do, oh I'm sweating, maybe I'll have some more caffeine. (pretends to drink coffee)

• [as Super Rabbi] (swatting "bugs" from arms) There are too many mosquitoes! I will not be able to watch "Torah, Torah, Torah" tonight.

[edit] Weird Newscasters

• (Colin Mochrie as the anchor) Our top story today: after a disappointing summer, Humpty Dumpty has a great fall.
• Now for our top story today: psychic convention canceled due to unforeseen circumstances.
• Hello, and welcome to the 6:00 news. I'm Harry Hindquarters. In international news, the country of Palakalakawaka declared a state of war against the United States after a mutated sheep did something strange at the embassy.

• Welcome to the 6 p.m. news. I'm Skip Shapley. Tonight's biggest story: Financial analysts have figured out a way how to take a second mortgage on your home so that you could afford a full tank of gas.

• Hello and welcome to the 6 o'clock news, I'm Chesterfield Snapdragon McFisticuff. Our top story from the Middle East, Benjamin Netanyahu today changed his name to Benjamin Netan-YAHOO! ... Well, that's all the time we have on the 6 o'clock news, I'm Chesterfield Snapdragon Mc... Fisticuffs.

• I feel like the meat in an incompetent sandwich.

• (Wayne as Carlos Nicepackage who's talking on a PA system in a big stadium has just finished.) Thank you, Carlos. I echo that sentiment.

[edit] Chip Esten

[edit] Hoedown

Once I got a blind date, I really liked her smile,

He was very tall though, his name was Ryan Stiles,

I will run up through it, that date was pretty rough,

Sure it was a blind date but I wasn't blind enough.

---

Well I know Colin's mother - yes, I must tell the truth

When she was nursing Colin, her milk was 90 proof

She wanted to kick the habit, she didn't know what to do

But if your baby looked like that [points to Colin] then you'd be drinking too

(Colin reacts by pretending to scribble down a note)

---

I hate the Backstreet Boys, I think they really stink

It isn't anything personal, they're just not N'Sync

This could be kind of weird, it might be a shock

But I still got a poster of the New Kids On The Block

---

I really was so ugly, I looked just like a scurgeon.

So I went to Hollywood and got myself a surgeon.

They tighted up my face for me, now here's the final crack,

They tightened me up so hard, my ears meet in the back.

---

(For this Hoedown, Chip replaces Colin in the lineup)

Oh Colin does remember all the time he spent

Wishing he was Superman, or at least Clark Kent

He waited all his life, he waited for that day

But just like Superman his hair was up, up and away!

---

[For this hoedown, Chip replaces Ryan as the last person to sing]

My wife caught me with a prostitute

She came into the room and she began to shoot

And then she went and yelled all around the town

I know there's more prostitutes; I guess that's one hoe down.

[edit] Scenes from a Hat

Drew: World's dumbest criminal being caught in the act

Chip: Alright this is a stick up. Does anybody have a gun I can use?

---

Drew: Slogan on t-shirt worn by George W. Bush

Chip: I won. Get over it.

[Later]

Chip: The W stands for honesty.

---

Drew: Unlikely ways to start a sermon.

Chip: LLLLLET'S GET READY TO GOSPELLLLLLLLLL!!!!!

---

Drew: Giving your date's parents too much information.

Wayne: Don't worry Mr. Johnson, I'll have her back by 10. I'll be finished by then.

Chip: Don't worry Mrs. Johnson, I'll have her back by 10. That's when the wife gets home.

Chip and Wayne Together: Don't worry Mr. and Mrs. Johnson, We'll have her home by 10.

[later]

Chip: Don't worry, Mrs. Johnson, I'll have Mr. Johnson home by 10.

---

Drew: Trivial reasons for news conferences.

Chip: I've asked you all here to announce this news conference.

[later]

Chip: (acting excited) Got a new podium!

---

Drew: Rejected "Jeopardy!" categories.

Chip: I'll take Things Nobody Knows for 1,000.

[edit] Colin Mochrie

[edit] Greatest Hits

• You know, for as long as I can remember, I've had memories.

• We'll be back to our nature documentary, "Baggy: The Anorexic Elephant", in just a second. (this causes Drew to laugh very loudly)

• We will come back to the dyslexic production of "Bitty Bitty Chang-Chang" in just a moment.

• We'll be right back to the politically correct program "The Good, the Bad, and the Beauty Impaired" in just a moment.

• Every song a hit, and every hit a smack!

• [Greatest Hits of the Bus Driver] When riding on the bus, or as our Canadians friends say, a "boos" ...

• We'll be right back to our show, "Dora, the Dyslexic Ephelant," but first. . .

• We'll be right back to our movie, "Crouching Tigger, Hidden Pooh", in just a moment.

• We'll be right back to our documentary, "Crouching Tiger, Screaming Sigfried and Roy," in just a second.

• If you call right now, we'll answer!

• If you call right now, we'll send absolutely free...absolutely nothing!

• We'll be right back to our documentary on "Schlomo, the Kosher penguin", right after this.

• TAPIOOOOOOCA! (this resulted in Ryan laughing uncontrollably to himself for the majority of the rest of the game and to make light of it in his Show Stopping Number piece.)

• As everyone knows, I have eight children; although only three of them are mine. [gives Ryan a dirty look, Ryan looks away sheepishly.]

• Colin: From the time I was born to the time I was died, and then I was reincarnated and came back as this, bowling has been a big part of my life. Sure, it's not really a sport, but it's got great music attached to it!

Ryan: You're drinking coffee again, I...

Colin: Yes, I am!

• That song won 14 Tonys and a Jeff!

• Colin: You know, if you order right now, we'll send absolutely free a box of fresh air! That's right, air!

Ryan: Fresh air? We just can't give away free air!

Colin: Yes we can! From the makers of Breathe-Free: Makers of Air for Eternity!

• [after a break-dancing number with Wayne]

Ryan: Is that the...is that the only shirt you have?

Colin: [remains silent for a moment, then puts a finger up] Why don't you talk for a while?

• If it was meat, it'd be hard to fit it into the machine!

• …And if you call right now, it will still take 4 to 6 weeks to get it.

Colin: And if you call right now we-

Ryan: They can't call yet, the lines are busy.

[Colin freezes, mouth open.]

Ryan: Now they can call.

Colin: Now you can call. If you call right now, we will send free, the packaging it comes in.

[Ryan makes "oooh" face]

• We'll be right back to our Fox presentation of "Alien Oddities" with E.T. the extra testicle after this.

Ryan: A long way to go for that one, huh?

Colin: It was. It was great. You could have used a motorcycle to go there and still have time to go see the Alps.

• Every song a hit, and every hit goes on to your batting average.

• We'll return you to the wrong emphasis theater presentation of "What's New, PUSSYCAT?" in just a moment

• Hi, you were watching Animal Porn! [Drew promptly pushes the buzzer. The audience and cast crack up]

• On this album, we have more hits than a porn website!

[edit] Hats

• [holding a pumpkin] This is my friend Gourd. He's a great pumpkin. [The crowd does not respond very enthusiastically.] Ah, screw it.

• [wearing an aviator's hat] Help! They're making me do "Hats." I wanna go home!

• [wearing a birthday cake hat] Happy Birthday! Now blow me out!

• [wearing a hat with a stick of dynamite on top] I promise you this is the only thing that will go off prematurely.

• [wearing an alien mask] Care for a little probe?

• [wearing a horse-riding helmet] Next to me, my horse feels inadequate.

• [wearing a jawa hood] [speaks high pitched gibberish]

• [wearing a chef hat] I'm as much fun to make as I am to eat.

• [wearing a viking helmet with pigtails] Let me help you hit those high notes. [crowd laughter] Me-ow!

• [wearing a horse hat] I'm really good at necking.

• [after Greg who said 'I am your father'] [wearing a strange curly hat] I am your mother.

• [wearing a conehead hat] [after high laughter] Just use your imagination.

• [wearing a sailor hat] All hands on dick!

[edit] Hoedowns

People always kid me 'cause I'm losing all my hair

I can't really help it that I'm follically impaired

It really is quite horrible, but my life is not through

I still get way more sex than either Brad or Drew

---

I went to the movie the other day, I put down all my money

I got into a fight with the usher, it wasn't funny

I hit him really hard, he wished he never wasn't born

And to get his revenge he peed in my popcorn

---

This Halloween I thought it would be fair

If I give all the kids one real big scare

It went way too far now I'm being sued

This is the last year I go as a nude

---

I'm an ugly woman, yes it is not fair

I have an ugly face and I have no hair

What can I do that's the way the fates went

The only person who'll sleep with me is the president

---

Every night my wife scares the life out of me

With her ugly hair and scars all you can see

Marrying someone that ugly really wasn't my plan

I accidentally married Dennis Rodman

---

I am a gameshow host, my life is a game you see

I fill it all with danger, I'm in jeopardy

It really is quite wonderful I do it all with my might

I hang out with prostitutes because the price is right

---

The other day I was at the movie, the kids were all loud

They're making noise and throwing stuffs, what an ugly crowd

I told them something and then they all cried

I ruined the movie, told them Bambi's mother died

---

I'm a big director, I keep egos in check

Stars rant and rave at me but I think what the heck

Nothing really scares me, I know no fear

Nothing's scared me since Ryan licked my ear

---

My mother drinks a lot, I know it isn't strange

But her behaviour gets really strange

She acts like she's from somewhere else, maybe like Venus

Oh, by the way, Chip has a little penis

---

I hate the Backstreet Boys, they bug me like no one else can

So I came up with a really cunning plan

I kidnapped them and then show them all how it hurts

I made them all wear a copy of my shirt

---

The other day I stole something, it really was a sin

It was a little revolver made of gelatin

It really was a bad idea, something I should have slept on

'Cause I was arrested for carrying a congealed weapon

---

Ellen is my wife, the other day she gave birth

It was the most beautiful thing on this God's Earth

When I saw her do it, I said, "Oh my God, dear Ellen!"

Looking from this angle, it looks like a straw passing a melon

---

I vacationed at the beach, I really had to frown

I was splashing in the water, and I started to drown

Water went into my lungs, I spluttered and I cough

Next thing I woke up having mouth-to-mouth with David Hasselhoff

---

Throughout my life I used to laugh like this, "Hee hee hee"

Not so since I've had some major surgery

It really went horrible, it realized all my fears

Because of that surgery, I now pee out my ears

---

The last time I went golfing, I got pretty drunk

When I hit the first tee, I really really stunk

I hit the ball really hard, the guy is barely alive

And so that just shows when you drink, don't drive.

---

100 episodes of Whose Line where there're names being called.

100 episodes of them (points to Ryan,Drew,and Wayne) saying that I'm bald

Does it hurt the friendship. Can it stand the test.

Yes it can cause I'm hung the best.

---

I took a pregnancy test. It really was a topper.

Because it took place upon a helicopter.

My girlfriend she wet the full term.

And all because a whirlybird got the sperm.

---

I went to the zoo with my lovely girl

We had lots of fun there we gave our love a whirl

Why we had such a really good time

This last line would be funny but Drew took my rhyme

---

I have won the lottery my riches I can flaunt

I don't care about anything, I can do whatever I want

(Goes to the audience, hugs a girl. Goes to Drew's desk, hugs Kathy. Fakes punching Wayne out. Hugs Drew.)

---

I am an astronaut, but I'd rather be fishin'

Because I've been up in space on a ten year mission

It really is so horrible, I'm really annoyed.

I've been sitting down so long, I got asteroids.

---

I went to a bachelor's party, I really had a ball

Boy, I consumed an awful lot of alcohol

In fact, it was really bad, in fact, it spelled my doom

Cause when I awoke, I found I married the groom

---

I'm in the middle of midterms, from my study room I do not stir

Everything's coming at me, there's too much pressure!

I CAN'T TAKE IT! (Crouching down in the fetal position) I CAN'T TAKE IT!

---

I saw a cop show, it really made me mad

It was so horrible, the writing, it was sad

The more I watched it, the more it was the pits

It had Abe Vigoda and Erik Estrada, it was called "Fish and CHiPs"

---

I helped a friend move, he worked in the coal mines

Because of doctor's orders, he had to move to warmer climes

It really ended badly, I know I shouldn't whine

But I was arrested for transporting a minor/miner over the state line.

[edit] Hollywood Director

• [pointing to Ryan's blue shoes] How many Smurfs did you have to step on to get those?

• [holding his hand out chest high] If this was crap, you'd need a ladder to get this high.

• [after a performance] You know why the floor's so clean? It's because you all sucked!

• [after a performance] I was just watching the playback. I've seen better film on my grandmother's eye.

• [after a performance] I haven't seen that much crap since I directed that horse laxative commercial!

• [after a performance] That stunk worse than a dead whale in a Limburger factory!

• [after a performance] I think it was Pavorotti who said (in a high pitch tone) 'Craaaaap!' Alright!(the other members laughed and Colin realized it) Or maybe it was Colonel Klink...

• [after a performance, Colin shakes his hand as if to roll a pair of dice] "Crap!"

• [after a performance, after Ryan, as Dracula, thinks he's sounded like Carol Channing] No! No! Not at all! What you were doing is Count Crap-ula!

• [after a performance] You know what? 'That was wonderful! You guys were great! That's a rap!' You see what I did? THAT is acting! What you did was crap!

• [after a performance] I think it was Tennessee Williams who said 'Y'all are CRAP!'

• [after a performance] (Points to Wayne, Ryan then Greg) Crap! Crap! Not too Bad!

• [after a performance] I think it was Rogers and Hammerstein who said, "The Hills are alive with the sound of CRAP!"

• [after a performance] I believe it was Shakespeare who said, "All the world's a stage and you are CRAP!"

• [after a performance that was been improvised] Ohhhh! (Points to Wayne,Brad and Ryan) Crap! Crap! Alright! (Ryan's happy while Brad's not too happy about it)

• I'm a great Director, I won a Nubby!

• I got it! We need to do the scene backwards. NOITCA!

[after the scene is done backwards, Colin looks amused] I didn't think you'd actually do it! Man, actors are stupid!

• [after another performance]

Colin: Well congratulations, you all been elected in the Hall of Fame at CRAPPER Town!

Wayne: (Happy about it) We made it!

Colin: Its Bad!

• [after a performance]

Colin: I don't need to take this crap! I won a People's Choice Award! Look...

Brad: [pokes Colin, and then takes out and holds up "trophy"] I have one. [followed by Ryan who takes up two "trophies"]

Colin: Oh, I know! Everyone has one! Who doesn't have one?!

• [after another performance]

Robin Williams: Can I take a moment?

Colin: Take it.

Robin: Done!

Colin: That's why I love working with you!

Wayne: What about me?

Colin: Shut up!

• [after another performance, where Ryan mimes pulling down his pants]

Colin: Cut, cut, cut! I may have mislead you...[To Ryan] And never pull down your pants again! Although, thanks for reminding me, I need to get some chicken!

Ryan: You started it. Here we go.

• [to Wayne]

Colin: You're this close to being replaced by ... Gary Coleman!

[edit] If You Know What I Mean

• I'll help you fluff your Garfield, if you know what you mean...

• Look what I can do with the donuts!

[edit] Infomercial

• Doo-doo-doo-doo! I HAVE NO HAIR!

[edit] Irish Drinking Song

• Me-OW!

• Sitting on my ash!

• Oops! I pooed!

• There's blood in my stool.

• I'll rip out his heart.

• He put my stone back in my end.

• She took her thong off in any weather.

• It looked like someone had beat her.

• Joe had a nice bone.

• My pants fall on the floor!

• And we both will fart!

• Be a host on TV!

• You can make poo from food!

• I peed my pants!

• Ha ha ha hee hee!

• She has gravel in her snot!

[edit] Narrate

• "I let him think for a while. Because I knew he had the answer; I knew it was a good answer and he was going to tell it to me. Because when you ask a question, you expect an answer because that's the way it works; question, answer, answer, question. If he gave the answer, I would have to come up with a question, and that would be Jeopardy! and that's wrong."
• It all seemed too easy. Way too easy. That's when he did something totally unexpected. Something so crazy and wild it took me totally by surprise. Even though it was kind of funny, it still was really weird. [Ryan kisses him]
• Cats don't steal bras...unless they're really smart!

[edit] News Conference

• I have bruised my dynamic duo.

• Let me tell you something about elephants. They ask for it!

• Extra-wide pants. I believe that's a given.

• This just in: We're all just people!

• I say screw the public!

[edit] News Flash

• I just can't take my eyes off of this!

• [commenting on Richard Simmons]

Ryan Stiles: Why the sparkles?

Colin Mochrie: [thinks for a moment, then shrugs] Why not?

• [unknown to Colin, the scene is a hoard of cockroaches from movie: Joe's Apartment]

Ryan Stiles: How do you think all this had started?

Colin Mochrie: There was a rumor that Kathy Lee was coming back!

[later]

Just try to keep your eyes on them as they try to revolt you but keep staring!

[later]

Ryan Stiles: What are you using to protect yourself at this time?

Colin Mochrie: Saran Wrap!

• Ryan Stiles: What did you do to prepare yourself for this?

Colin Mochrie: I wore extra shorts!

• [unknown to Colin, the scene is about himself]

Ryan Stiles: I have never seen anything like that in my entire life!

Colin Mochrie: Me neither! I've been looking at this for the last five hours! And I can't just take my eyes of it!

Chip Esten: It's a sad, sad sight indeed, Colin!

Colin Mochrie: It certainly is!

Chip Esten: How does it start?

Colin Mochrie: It all started with a badly timed bald joke!

[Eveyone laughed while Drew laughed more hysterically]

[later]

Chip Esten: Now, I've notice you're not wearing sunglasses to help you with that incredible shine!

[This is when Colin realize it's him and the camera shows Ryan and Chip laughing]

[later, after the buzzer, Colin is still angry while hitting the mic on his hand]

Drew Carey: It's the best one ever! Colin, what's behind you?

Colin Mochrie: I hope it's me with my clothes ON.

Drew Carey: Yes! It is!

[After the game]

Drew Carey: I can't wait four months from now for you to watch it! I hope you'll be drunk in a bar somewhere and look up and,'Hey it's me! Ugh!' (pretends to puke)

Colin Mochrie: When it ever end?!

Drew Carey: Awww, man! That was hilarious!

Colin Mochrie: (realized something and laughed) I've said the bald joke thing too.

Ryan Stiles: You did!

Drew Carey: It's like calling you Captain Hair!

• [The screen is showing bomb explosions]

Ryan Stiles: Colin, when you left the studio, you had hair!

[Colin stays silent for a short moment as everyone else laughs but a few seconds later there's a "Aww.." sound]

Colin Mochrie: Yeah, and what do you mean by that, stick boy?!

• [The scene is a group of Santa Clauses]

Colin Mochrie: Well, as far as I can tell, it all started with a price check. And then I don't know how it escalated to this, but I haven't seen such action since my wedding night.

Denny Siegel: Colin, there's some concern that some children are watching and this could be scarring. Do you have any advice?

Colin Mochrie: Well, we all have to grow up sometime.

• [The scene is a beach party]

Ryan Stiles: Colin, do you have any idea how this whole thing started?

Colin Mochrie: Well, it all started at a revival of "The King and I" starring Jerry Springer. From then, it just spilled onto the streets, and chaos, chaos, chaos!

[later]

Ryan Stiles: Colin, I understand there's a twist to this story.

Colin Mochrie: Yes, there is.

Ryan Stiles: Now what would that be?

Colin Mochrie: Wanna know what it is?

Ryan Stiles: Yes.

Colin Mochrie: Well, of course, all these people are from the Senate.

Ryan Stiles: Really?

Colin Mochrie: That's the twist.

• [The scene is a group of monkeys]

Brad Sherwood: Looks like more fun than a barrel, eh, Col?

Colin Mochrie: It's amazing, and you know what? They also do a show every Thursday night. It's amazing to watch, and the drinks are free.

• [The scene is footage of rollercoaster rides]

Kathy Greenwood: Colin, do you feel as though you're in any danger?

Colin Mochrie: I don't feel like I'm any danger. Look! (stands still)

• [The scene is of numerous scenes involving Ryan]
• Colin Mochrie: *Ducks down to the ground
• Ryan Stiles: Oh that's an odd maneuver there Collin. What do you call that?

"Colin Mochrie: What I just did? *Ducks down to the ground again. I'm trying to confuse it!

• Ryan Stiles: Oh... (laughs) Oh trust me Colin, you confuse it on a daily basis.

[edit] Scenes from a Hat

Drew: Celebrity endorsements doomed to fail.

Colin: Hi, I'm Colin Mochrie for "Rogaine".

---

Drew: Unlikely subjects to be a basis for a musical.

Colin: [singing] How does food become POOOO?? I'll tell YOOOOU!!

Drew: Unlikely titles for medical journals.

Colin: Ever wondered how food becomes poo?

---

Drew: Fast food orders that SOUND sexy... but aren't.

Colin: Yeah, can you slip me a Whopper?

Drew: World's Worst Catchphrase.

Colin: [making a pose] Ni-i-ice Pants!

---

Drew: Bad things to see tattooed on your date.

Colin: [reading] Am I doing all right? Call 555- ...

---

Drew: Rejected theme songs from the movie "Titanic".

Colin: (singing in an upbeat tone) Corpses bobbing in the sea...

---

Drew: Unlikely first lines of love songs.

Colin: (sings) It seemed like any other autopsy...

---

Drew: Confusing battle cries

Colin: Give me liberty, or a bran muffin!

Colin: [Afterwards] Get my brown pants!

---

Drew: Poems about embarrassing moments

Colin: It was my first time, I felt such elation; oh no, premature ejaculation...

---

Drew: Unwelcome dishes on a church pop-like dinner.

Colin: [imitates holding a dish] Crap on a stick.

---

Drew: Things you can say to your dog but not your girlfriend.

Colin: [Motioning with his hand] Come.

---

Drew: If songs were written about life's most embarrassing moments.

Colin: (Singing) Hey, that's me with the booger in my nose, booger in my nose, booger in my nose. Hey! That's me with the booger...(buzzer)

(later)

Colin: (singing) Hey, I didn't mean to cook your dog. But hey, those things just happen! I was just standing there and his little toes, they started tappin'. So I cut his rope like go get the goat and then I put him on the barbecue...(Ryan pulls Colin off stage. Buzzer sounds.)

---

Drew: Topics that will ruin a dinner party.

Colin: ...So, then my colon is lying right on my chest. I wake up in the middle of the surgery---I accidentally swallow half of it! How did that happen, I'm wondering! Well, when all of a sudden, that's when the laxative hits! So, I'm lying there, wondering "How the heck am I gonna get out of this?" (Ryan pulls Colin off stage. Buzzer sounds.)

---

Drew: Opening lines of foreign national anthems.

Colin: Colombia! We're not known just for coffee!

---

Drew: Messages delivered a little late.

Colin: Mr. Lincoln! The show got bad reviews!

---

Drew: Least checked out library books.

Colin: [imitates grabbing a book off a shelf] Twenty Ways To Self-Control: President Clinton.

---

Drew: U.S. cities that will never have a song written about them.

Colin: (singing) Proud citizens of Doglick!

---

Drew: Bad songs to sing in prison.

Colin: (singing) With the wig, you remind me of Julia.

---

Drew: Rejected themes to Titanic.

Colin: (singing) Corpses bobbing in the sea...

---

Drew: What George W. Bush is really thinking during cabinet meetings.

Colin: [looks around] There isn't even a cabinet in here.

---

Drew: What you can say about your motorcycle, but not your girlfriend.

Colin: It's fine, as long as you don't mind the bugs in your teeth.

---

Drew: What you can say about your boat, but not your girlfriend.

Colin: She's taking on water!

---

Drew: Names that will get your son's ass kicked.

Ryan: Awww is kick my ass hungry?

Colin: Come here Colin.

(Then Brad and Wayne comes pretend to beat up him)

---

Drew: What Lassie was really trying to tell everyone.

Colin: The square root of nine is three!

---

Drew: Rejected "Jeopardy!" categories.

Colin: I'll take Animal Genitalia Audio Clues...

---

Drew: Professions where breaking into song is discouraged.

Colin: I'M A MIIIIIIIME!!

---

Drew: Scenes from the Whose Line soap opera.

Colin: (pretends to shave his head) Why didn't I read my contract?

---

Drew: What the kids in "The Blair Witch Project" were really running from.

Colin: (Runs up to the camera, pretends to cry) There's gonna be a crappy sequel!

---

Drew: Other welcome messages when entering a state.

Colin: Welcome to Rhode Island. Thanks for visiting Rhode Island. (turns around in confusion)

---

Drew: Phrases that don't sound right when a cheesy announcer says them

Colin: PLEASE ACCEPT MY CONDOLENCES!

---

Drew: Things that you shouldn't wish for when a genie grants you three wishes

Colin: Uh, two cokes and some chips.

---

Drew: Odd things to hear from the voices in your head

Colin: I'm the little voice in your head. No, I'm the little voice in your head. No, I'm the little voice in your head. Will the real little voice in your head please stand up? No, it's me. I'm the little voice in your head. I'm the little voice in your head. I'm the little voice in your head (Ryan drags him off the stage) I'm the little voice in your head...[buzzer]

---

Drew: Little know facts about the Whose line cast.

Colin: They're all wearing wigs.

---

Drew: Things found on hillbilly fortue cookies.

Colin: (reading) Howdy. (looks at the paper confused)

---

Drew: If movie star were truthful during their award acceptant speeches.

Colin: Man! You don't know how many P****** I had to shove my D*** just to get this!

---

Drew: Weight loss books that didn't exactly fly off the shelves

Ryan: Lose weight by Drew Carey?

Colin: Eat yourself smart by Ryan Stiles.

---

Drew: Unlikely super hero names

Colin: It's Me! Run-Away-From-Danger-Man!

---

Drew: Bad shampoo ads.

[Kathy pretends to take a shower and notice her hair falling out]

Colin: I use the same kind!

---

Drew: Strange causes to raise money for.

Colin: (pretending to hold a sign) Bathe the whales!

---

Drew: The worst soap opera cliffhanger lines leading into a commercial.

Colin: What's for dinner?

[later]

Colin: 99... Here I come.

---

Drew: Pick-up lines of game show hosts.

Colin: Is that your final answer?

---

Drew: Things on Celebrity Fear Factor

Colin: [pulls Wayne to the stage] Put on this plaid shirt! [pretends to hold up a shirt]

---

Drew: Unusual acts performed on talent night at the convent.

Colin: I'm a penguin. I'm a black and white movie. I'm a newspaper. I'm a zebra.

---

Drew: World's worst thing to say the first time you see someone naked.

Colin: That reminds me, my tire needs new treads.

---

Drew: Bad times to smoke a cigarette.

Colin: FIRE! (smokes a cigarette)

---

Drew: Things you couldn't tell your parents until now

Colin: I'm adopted

---

Drew: What penguins think about at the South Pole

Colin: I'll get that Batman

[edit] Song Titles

• Theme from Titanic.

• [looking out window and pointing] Oklahoma!

• [to driver] Do you know the way to San Jose'?

Ryan Stiles: Hmm... Blue Suede Shoes...

Colin Mochrie: Nice Pants.

Colin Mochrie: What's the Buzz? Tell Me What's A-Happenin'.

Ryan Stiles: Nowhere Man.

Colin Mochrie: Really? That Sucks.

Chip Esten: Theme from Jaws?

Colin Mochrie: I'll Get a Harpoon, La La La-La!

[edit] Superheroes

• Captain Hair, AWAY!!

later Another crisis averted. Now to find the guy that made that suggestion!

• [as Captain Salmon] I need to spawn!

• [as Disco Boy] No more Bee Gees! How will I stay alive, stay alive?!

• [as Presidential Candidate Man] (crossing his fingers, pretending to look at himself in mirror) I will cut taxes.

later Holy Vote!

• [as Captain Obvious] I'm standing. (looks around) I'm looking around. Perhaps there's something on the Crisis Monitor, here I turn it on. (pretends to turn knobs, look at "monitor") Dry skin! (scratches arm) Just thinking about it makes me wanna scratch. Oh, that's air going into my lungs.

[edit] Two-Line Vocabulary

Colin: (bangs gavel on Stephen's hand) Sorry. Order in the court! Order in the court!

Stephen: Objection. That bleedin' hurt.

Colin: Overruled. Call your first witness please.

Stephen: Certainly your honour. I'm about to tie up the loose ends of this ridiculous chicken stealing case. (Tony enters in furry hat, covering his eyes)

Stephen: Will you please raise your right hand. (Tony raises his left hand) Put it down, that stinks. Now, give me your name please.

Tony: I am the dowager Duchess of Verona.

Stephen: Ha HA!...

Colin: (bangs gavel) Sustained!

Stephen: And where were you on the 29th of the 5th of the 7th of the 4th of the ... I can't remember the date but it all ends in 72.

Tony: I was inserting myself in this badger. I'm afraid I won't be a terribly useful witness as I saw nothing.

Colin: I'm sorry, this witness is immaterial. Please call your second witness, and then call your mother, she worries. (Ryan enters in army officer's cap)

Stephen: Now, your full name and rank please Lieutenant. Whoops, gave it away. Never mind.

Ryan: Lieutenant Jack, the frozen chicken king. I raise chickens, I kill 'em, I freeze 'em and eat 'em.

Stephen: So this man would have every motivation to steal the chicken!

Ryan: Not really. I own the farm.

Stephen: No further questions your honour. I made a complete prat of meself with that one.

Colin: You better come up with something more sustaining... I'm tired, go ahead.

Stephen: Will you please state your full name.

Tony: (enters in brown hat) 'Ello. 'Arry the 'at, 'Arry the 'at, end of the pier comedian, joke for every occasion. 'Ere we go, why did the chicken die? Who knows?

Stephen: That is what we are here to find out.

Tony: Look over there! (kicks Stephen as he looks away)

Stephen: Molesting the prosecutor your honour.

Colin: Objection!... Sustained!... This Courtroom is a Mochrie! (constatly bangs gavel) I want my next witness!!! (end of gavel breaks off)

Stephen: I'm sorry your honour.... Where's the end of your gavel?

Colin: It's immaterial.

Ryan: What do I look like?!

Colin: Shut up!

Ryan: What do I-

Colin: I'll tell you what you look like: a big stick with a big nose!

[Colin grabs Ryan's nose in the middle of his line.]

Wayne: Is that what I think it is?

Colin: It is...but it's...bigger.

Colin: Look, I've got a plan.

Wayne: I don't think so.

Colin: I do!

Wayne: I don't think so!

Colin: BUTT! [mimes whacking Wayne in the face with the butt of a rifle]

[edit] Weird Newscasters

• Our top story today, The Great Jambonie, eccentric human cannonball known for taking his lucky donkey to all his performances escapes near tragedy today when the donkey climbed into the cannon muzzle just as Jambonie was taking off. It took the surgeon three hours to remove Jambonie's head from his ass. Both are resting comfortably.

• Welcome to the 6:00 News. I'm your anchor, Dan You're-gonna-pay-me-back-that-ten-bucks. Our top story today. Rock star Prince has changed his name once again. After changing long-distance carriers, Prince, the artist formeraly known as The Artist Formerly Known as Prince, will now be known as The Artist Who Formerly Phoned with Sprint

• Welcome to the 6 o' clock news. I'm Thor, but not complaining.

• Now over to our weatherman, Dwayne TheBathtub.

• This just in: Beverly Hills 90210, Cleveland Browns 3.

• Now over to our weatherman, Bud Ugly.

• Our top story tonight: Hollywood was saddened today when Foghorn Leghorn died today at the age of 65. Memorial services will be held tomorrow after which the deceased will be served with a nice orange sauce.

• This just in: co-anchor loses job.

• Rudolph the Red-Nose Reindeer dead at 53. I know, it is sad. Over Barcelona today, the famed reindeer was hit by a flock of seagulls and a 747. Eyewitnesses report that "the reindeer in Spain was hit mainly by the plane."

• Welcome to the 6 o' clock news. I'm your anchor, Tads the way, uh huh, uh huh, I like it.

• A man is still in critical condition after swallowing two hundred and fifty thousand dollars in large bills. No change is expected.

• Famous playboy Hugh Hefner managed to successfully stop an order of monks from operating a business on his property. The Police forced the Friars to close down the stall, which was outside the playboy mansion where they had been selling flowers.....said one friar, "Well, if it was anyone else, we might have gotten away from it, but apparently, only Hugh can prevent florist friars." Try saying that three times.

• Welcome to the 6 o' clock news. I'm your anchor, Arthur anymore donuts.

• Welcome to the 6 o' clock news. I'm your anchor, Woodrow, but don't have a paddle.

• Welcome to the 6 o' clock news. I'm your anchor, Lars Lars, pants on fars.

• After a disappointing summer, Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.

• Welcome to the 6 o' clock news. I'm your anchor, Lars of the Red Hot Lovers.

• Welcome to the 6 o' clock news. I'm your anchor, Pierre cause my bladder's empty.

• Welcome to the 6 o'clock news. I'm your anchor Oswald That Endswald. Our Top story today- Convicted hit man Jimmy "Two-Shoes" McClarty confessed today that he was once hired to beat a cow to death in a rice field using only 2 small porcelain figures. Police admit that this might be the first recorded case of a "Knick-Knack-Paddy-Whack".

• Welcome to the six o' clock news. I'm your anchor, Thor Buttocks. 60's musical group the Birds today announced a twenty-four city reunion tour with their new band member George W. Bush. To save money, Mr. Bush will play both guitar and drums. According to a spokesman, a Bush in the band is worth two in the Byrds.

• Welcome to the six o' clock news. I'm your anchor, Lars of the Mohicans.

• Welcome to the six o' clock news. I'm your anchor, Yasser Yasser Three Bags Full.

• Welcome to the six o' clock news. I'm your anchor, Keith My Pathty White Butt.

• Our top story, a man survived being swallowed alive by a whale by running all the way to the end until he was pooped out.

• In a recent survey, nine out of ten Americans agree that out of ten people, one person will always disagree with the other nine.

• NASA sends probe to Uranus, people everywhere giggle.

• This just in: Wives live longer than husbands because they're not married to women.

• This just in, nine out of ten dentists agree the tenth one should really chill out.

• Now over to our weatherman, Hardwood Panelling.

• Our top story tonight: Famous TV dolphin Flipper was arrested today on prostitution ring charges. He allegedly was seen transporting two 16-year olds across state lines for immoral porpoises.

• Disaster struck a ceiling fan convention tonight when the scheduled entertainment Dr. Lenguini and his trampolining sheep hit the floor. According to one eyewitness everything was fine until one extremely high bounce and then the sheep hit the fan.

• Welcome to the six o' clock news. I'm your anchor, Puffy, Don't Need Combs. Out top story today, An entire cult of dead... Killer bees... were found dead. They are thought to have committed insecticide.

[edit] World's Worst

Neighbor

• Here's a hundred bucks. Do a hoedown.

• Do you have any plutonium?

• (pretending to be a little person) I represent the Lollipop League.

• Yeah, I like to sunbathe naked. No, it's 3 o'clock.

• (acts like a mime)

Person to be Married To

• Well, another day of helping horses mate.

• (acting surprised) Women have orgasms?

Person to be Stranded on a Desert Island With

• (while pretending to dig a hole) No, I don't know where the others are.

• I cut up the rubber raft and made a woman. (pretends to inflate it)

Person to Share an Office With

• (Looks around for a few seconds) AAAAAAAAH!

• Anyone for monkey testicles and cola?

• (Acts like an elephant)

• Hey, there's blood on my stool.

Priest or Rabbi

• Hmm. Well, say 10 Hail Marys and the "Gilligan's Island" theme.

Self-Help Instructional Video

• To clap, raise one hand (raises his right hand to about his chest) then the other, (raises his left hand to the same position) keeping them an equal distance apart. Then force them together at a speed that makes this sound. (claps) Repeat! (claps again) Repeat! (claps again)

• Welcome to "Dogs Have Prostates, Too".

• Oh, those frustrating banana peels! How do you get them off the banana? Hold the banana firmly in one hand. (buzz)

• Oh, those frustrating gerbil skins!

Super Bowl Halftime Show

• (pretending to be a mind reader) Is there a Joe here?

• You put your left foot in! You take your left foot out! You put your left foot in... and you shake it all about!

• (acts like a mime)

Thing To Say At A Major Award Ceremony

• You tolerate me! You really, really tolerate me!

Thing To Say Or Do During Or After Making Love

• No, it was great. You ever think about that chest hair removal thing?

• (as Regis Philbin) Is that your final orgasm?

Thing To Say Or Do On A Romantic Date

• I brought the limes.

• (looks at his hand) You look very beautiful.

Thing To Say Or Do On Your First Day In Prison

• Who here loves to crochet?

• Excuse me! There's a hole in my floor that leads to the outside!

TV Program

• We're now... round three of championship dominoes...

• What's gonna happen today on "Things Your Cat Can't Swallow"?

• Today on "Celebrity Phlegm"!

[edit] Whose Line

• I love it when you talk poultry.

• Why are you dressed like a French Maid?

• [with Ryan] Shut up and touch the monkey!

• My poodle is stuck in a heater vent.

• Seeing you naked changed my life.

• My shorts are on fire.

• The Canadians are coming! The Canadians are coming!

• My name is Bill I like tight panties!

• I see Paris, I see France, I see someone's underpants!

[edit] Unsorted

• Look, muffins....

• [after his shirt was the topic of numerous gags] I can't believe I'm missing bald jokes!

• Hey! Make fun of the bald guy! I'll be your lightning rod of hate!

• [after a game of Living Scenery with three cheerleaders]

Colin: This is a great country!

Colin: I know you'll find this hard to believe, but that was the closest I have ever got to cheerleaders.

Drew: Your wife's up in Canada, right?

Colin: Who? [audience laughter] ... Yes, she is. Lovely woman, love her deeply.

Drew: Can't wait for her to see the show.

• [as Vlad the Vampire] Come, my chickens of the night!

• [During a game of Film, TV and Theatre styles]

Colin [as Pikachu]: Pikachu! [starts showering lightning bolts at Ryan and Kathy]

• [as Robin] Batman, what would I do with a Wonder Woman costume?!

• [after a game of Living Scenery with Richard Simmons] You know what? I've never had a jet ski lesson in my life. But I'm thinking of taking it up!

• [after a game of Living Scenery with twin belly dancers]

Drew: How are the wife and kids, by the way?

Colin: Who? [audience laughter] They're lovely. They're fine.

Drew: Yeah.

Colin: [laughing] No, I'm sure they are! This doesn't air for a while, right?

Drew: Yeah.

Colin: Yeah, yeah, they're fine.

• Can we get women on this show?

• [whilst commentating on Ryan on greenscreen- he has realised what it is.] Actually, it's kind of charming in it's own, gawky way, isn't it?

• [World's Worst TV advertisement] It's a breath mint and a suppository!

• [later, same game] Aluminum: the condom you can trust.

• [World's Worst person to be president] It's Columbus Day, and we're selling off all the states, starting with Alaska! What is your best bid? We've gone crazy!

• [Party Quirks]

Colin: [To Robin Williams who is a paranoid member of the Fashion Police] Fashion Consultant!

Drew: No. Not quite...

Colin: Who needs decaf!

Drew: They have a name for these kind of people.

Colin: Yes they do. You know if I was a bigger star I'd have one of him.

[edit] Drew Carey

[edit] Hoedowns

Last September, I had a stressful day. I had to pack my stuff and move away. [Studders]But-whenthing-one...Wait oh, man. I couldn't fit my fat ass in the van.

---

Hoedowns about magicians are really hard to do

Hard to think of one verse let alone even two

Let me tell you something that will give you a little laugh

(Turns to Wayne) If you take my rhyme again I'm gonna saw your ass in half

---

Well people always asked me, "hey Drew did you lose weight?"

And I tell them, "thanks I feel great"

I found a diet plan that's like no other

I burn all my calories by banging Wayne's mother

---

Christmas is a holiday that I really hate

There's nothing about it to which I can relate

So every December 25th I take off my shoes

And go down to the Deli and hang out with the Jews

---

Let me tell you something that just happened to me

My momma started drinking when I was just three

Now I shouldn't let the secret slip

But my momma started drinking when she married Chip

---

Well I hate radio today

They don't have anything good to play

All they play is junk, they are in a rut

I wish they take the Backstreet Boys and shove 'em up their butt

---

I love the village people, they give me confidence

Even though I'm not bright, I am rather dense

I have a fat white body, and I don't have a tan

But when I put on leather pants, I am a macho man!

---

Well today it was our 100th show

It's been really fun friend don't you know

Let me tell you something. Even though it's been a blast

All you folks that been watching 'Friends' you can kiss my ass

---

Well we went to the zoo my girlfriend and I

Just to see some rhinoceros

But there weren't any around so went out to the lake

And I went under water and showed her my snake

---

I have all my hair and I really am quite happy

I like putting stuff in my hair it makes look real snappy

I love to comb my hair I never need a breather

I'm real happy I'm not Colin Mochrie either

---

Oh, I won the lottery, a million smackaroos

That will really keep me in underoos

The only thing that really is a bummer

I can't spend the money cause I'm in jail for running numbers

---

I hate to tell the story cause myself it might embarrass

But the other night, I went out with the daughter of Chuck Barris

When we had to make love, she did something that's wrong

I took off my pants, and she gave me the gong

---

Don't like talking about my family

No sirree bob, that's not the subject for me

Let me ask you a question, tell you, Jack

Am I adopted cause the rest of my family's black

---

Well, my first job was in fast food, don't you know

The hours were real long and the payment was real low

My boss told me that he didn't like my sass

So my first kiss was a hearty "Kiss my ass!"

[edit] The Points Are Like...

The points are like a congressman from Rhode Island.

The points are like what your girlfriend says when the game is on.

The points are useless, just like public transportation here in Los Angeles.

The points are like 4th of July in England.

The points are just like Father's Day at Madonna's house. (The audiences groans.) What, is she here? Shut up?

The points are like the cost of your funeral.

The points are like the drapes in Pamela Anderson and Tommy Lee's house.

The points are just like the Los Angeles public school system.

The points are just like whatever music they play during lap dance.

The points are just like your contractor's first estimates.

The points are like how fat I am when I'm in a strip club.

The points are like morning breath when you are horny.

The points are like the stripper's name.

The points are just like Blair Witch 2.(Robin Williams runs up to the camera.)Get out, get out!

The points are just like... something that doesn't matter.

The points are like a microphone at a Britney Spears concert.

If the points were on Scooby Doo, they'd be Velma.

The points are like everything else when you own a Porsche. (Ryan) None of us would know, Drew.

The points are like Shaquille O'Neal at the free throw line.

Just like a stop sign at 3:00 in the morning, the points don't matter. Especially if there's a kitten with a flower crossing the street.

The points are just like, I dunno, good taste to the man who makes Ryan's shoes.

But the commercials sure do, I hope you liked them. There, that will sell a few.

The points are like the Swiss Navy... doesn't matter...

The points are like the female character in "The Perfect Storm".

The points are like an accordion in a unlocked car.

The points are like the host in "Whose Line Is It Anyway?". C'mon anyone can do that [buzzing].

The points are like parking tickets to a judge.

The points are like underwear to Sharon Stone. [Brad and Wayne both cross and uncross their legs just like in the interrogation scene from the movie Basic Instinct.]

If the points were a military power, they'd be Canada. (Colin gives a thumbs-up.)

The points are like the Queen of England.

The points are like a liberal in Texas.

The points are like saying "I Love You" when you're drunk. (Wayne starts crying.)

The points are like most of the movies that began as Saturday Night Live sketches. (The audience groans.) Ryan: Ohhhh! Drew: They're gonna be mad!

The points are like the brunette from ABBA.

You'll see the points when Anna Nicole Smith sees her feet.

The points are like cheeseburgers after you've had angioplasty.

The points are like whatever a delivery guy in a porno movie is delivering.

The points are like a centerfold's favorite color.

The points are something you'll never see, like Mrs. Richard Simmons.

The points are like the part of the Victoria's Secret catalog where they sell the pants.

The points are like a bicycle-riding fish to a lesbian. (Colin, Ryan, and Brad look around, confused.) Wayne: Ohhh! (smiles, laughs, then points at Drew.)

Just like tasteful shoes to Ryan Stiles... (camera pans in on Ryan's shoes)...the points don't mean a thing. (audience cheers) I'm sorry, was that applause? I couldn't hear it over Ryan's shoes!

The points are like Keith Richards to a vampire.

The points don't matter, just like the first four questions on "Millionaire". Who cares about the points? Not even a game show.

Just like the plot of Mission: Impossible 2, the points don't mean a thing.

The points are like an Ikea in the middle of the amish country.

The points are fake but they look and feel real.

If the points were cheerleaders they'd be guy cheerleaders.

The points are just like the angry voices in my head. They don't matter.

The points are like a Starbucks across the street from a Starbucks.

The points are just like a Lojack system on a AMC Gremlin (Wayne begins to laugh)

The points have never been seen. Just like the bathroom on the Starship Enterprise. It's there, it's just that nobody seen it.

The points are so worthless, they might as well end in "dot com."

The points are like the other guy from Wham!.

The points are just like what the second man on the moon said.

The points do not exist, they're like a lesbian inside a lesbian chatroom. Don't ask me how I know that, I just do.

The points are like a Canadian coin in an American vending machine.

The points are like whether your porn is on DVD or VHS.

The points are like the bing and the bang without the boom.

The points are like our border with Mexico.

They don't matter, just like the "Do Not Disturb" sign on your hotel room door.

The points are for appearances only, just like a politician's family.

Like last names at closing time, the points don't matter.

They're useless, like the rack of Speedos at the Big and Tall shop.

Just like Little League.

The points are just like pictures of food on the Denny's menu.

Yep, we're just like the Cleveland Browns!

The points are like the first three quarters of an NBA game.

The points are like the Clinton legacy.

The points are like the word "Rapid" in "Rapid Transit".

The points are like our border with Mexico.

The points are as worthless as the phrase "Campaign Finance Reform".

The points are useless, like an L. A. Clippers ticket.

The points are like the future of UPN.

The points are like a wicker bedpan.

The points are useless, like chick movies.

The points are like what the cast of "Big Brother" is up to right now.

They don't exist, just like a wealthy accordion player.

The points are like that Beanie Baby you paid $10,000 for.

The points are like 90% of your cable channels.

If the points were on "Happy Days", they'd be Richie's older brother.

It doesn't matter, like what's in this cup. What do you care what I'm drinking?

They don't matter at all, like the second person you slept with.

It's like the censor on the "Donny and Marie" show.

Like borders to Germans, the points don't matter.

Points are like that last joke, doesn't matter.

If the points were a cheese, it would be whiz.

The points are like those chaint pips you ate as a kid. I'm sorry, I mean paint chips.

If the points had any value right now, Anna Nicole Smith would be fetching us all beer.

The points are like who has to use the bathroom after you do.

The points are like a Judy Garland festival at Camp Pembleton.

That's right, the points are like Canadian history books.

The points are like whatever your parents just said.

The points are useless, like those how to gamble books they sell you in Vegas.

The points don't matter, just don't matter like the word "International" in International House of Pancakes

The points here are like new shows on UPN.

They're like vows at a celebrity wedding.

Just like a hat at an orgy, the points don't matter.

The points are just like opera in Alabama.

The points are like 90% of your mail.

That's right, the points are like the border patrol. I said it, and I don't care who knows.

The points are like the 12th step to Darryl Strawberry.

The points don't even exist, like royalty payments from Napster.

The points are something you'll never see, like Pat Buchanan in the White House.

The points are as useless as taking pills to lose weight while you sleep.

The points are like a fully loaded, top of the line Yugo.

[edit] Welcome Back to "Whose Line Is It Anyway?"

The show with more same-sex mouth-to-mouth kissing than any other show in the history of television.

Hey, folks, you like happy endings? Play this show backwards.

The show that Nostradamus never saw coming.

I didn't touch your daughter. Quit calling me.

The show that gives Colin Mochrie a reason to live.

During the commercial, I got spanked. No, sorry, you missed it.

Here's our Whose Line Fact of the day: During the break, we found out the Häagen-Dazs is Danish for "fat pig with a spoon".

[during an unaired segment] This is how the show works: I kill myself, and you get to cheer me on as I lop off different parts of my body, turning into a fat vest. And when I'm down to my penis - because my penis is hopping around - the game ends, the penis awards the points, and then you carry off the bloody penis on a stick while marching round the town square... (gets up and away from the director)

...hey, if you're watching the show in Bayreuth, for God sakes, turn off your T.V. and move.

Hey, during the commercial break, did you tell your kids you loved them? Did you pet your dog? Did you kiss your wife? Didja? Didja? Didja? NO! You sat on your fat butt and didn't move a muscle! You oughta be ashamed of yourself! During the next commercial break, you oughta kiss your wife.

If you're keeping track of the points at home, help is on the way. (audience laughs) Don't ask, just do what they tell you.

If you're keeping track of the points at home, I pity you.

I'm Drew Carey, or as Hannibal Lector calls me, dinner for two.

Hey, look out for Colin's new show, it's a cross between "Touched By An Angel", "King of Queens", and "Two Guys and a Girl|Two Guys a Girl and a Pizza Place". It's called "I was touched by two queens in a pizza place."

Hey parent's, listen to this. did you know that hugs makes your kids do better in school, boosts their self confidence, all that stuff. So, if you see me hugging on your daughter, I'm just trying to help.

Hey, during the commercial, we sold your car on the Internet.

If you want a points recap, uh...Brad: who knows, Wayne: Who cares, Colin: I forgot, Ryan: -73

I'm Drew Carey, lord of the onion rings.

We're the homework alternative. (Drew winks and gives a thumbs up to the camera)

You say tomato, I say bourbon and coke.

During the break, did you tell your daughter you loved her? I did!

I'm Drew. Mr. Carey if you're nasty.

I'm glad your whole family is watching tonight, because I think you're daughter's hot!

If you want a transcript of tonight's show, you should have hired a stenographer.

If you want a transcript of tonight's show, just type out every word we say.

And don't worry, your pizza's on its way.

If you're keeping score at home, send in your name and address, we're having a drawing to see who gets to watch the next episode of Whose Line Is It Anyway in the comfort of their own home.

Or if you're watching it in a mirror, "Anyway It Is Line Whose".

A lot of people have been asking, and let me tell you, the only difference between our cast and the cast of "Friends" is that the cast of "Friends" is better, richer-looking, and more popular. Other than that, no difference at all.

The second most popular show on ABC where the title asks a rhetorical question.

I'm Drew Carey, the fifth Teletubbie.

Now we're going to get the hot glue gun out and turn that old lamp into something special.

[edit] Misc.

• Good evening and welcome to Whose Line Is It Anyway? On tonight's show... (followed by introduction of the guests with a humorous title)

• [after insulting Colin and being booed by the audience] Oh jeez, never make fun of the popular, funny guy.

• I hated to end it before Ryan took off his shirt, but we've already seen it.

• Yeah, oh! I'm going to be starting a new series soon to air on ABC. Yeah, it's like a mix of "Touched by an Angel", "King of Queens", and "Two Guys, a Girl, and a Pizza Place". Yeah, I'm gonna call it "I was Touched by Two Queens in a Pizza Place". [smiles]

• Just when you thought "Will & Grace" was the gayest show on TV, along comes "Whose Line Is It Anyway?". [Wayne, Colin, and Ryan all point out their wedding rings while making grunting noises; Drew stares sadly at his bare fingers. Then Wayne, Colin and Ryan notice that Jeff dosen't have a ring so they start to point a grunt at him.]

• It must be dirty Cindy!!!

• And we thought that the most gay show in TV was "Will And Grace"... long gone with "Whose Line Is It anyway?"

• Be sure to keep an eye out for Colin's new show. It's a cross between 'Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego?' and 'Hair'. It's called 'Where in the World's My Hair?'

• Ryan has a new show, it's a cross between "What's Happening", "Hangin' with Mr. Cooper", and "The PJs". It's called "What's That Hanging Out of Your PJs?". (Ryan: Watch for it.)

• I will give you all two billion points. (aside) You hear that Regis? TWO BILLION. (In a mocking tone) Who Wants To Be A Millionaire. Who Wants To Be A Millionaire. (Ryan: Are those your final points?) (Drew begins to act like he's thinking, then reaches unser the desk and pulls out a phone receiver and pretends to talk into it.) Drew: Yes those are my final points.

• [After a game of Weird Newscasters when Ryan used other people's bodies (including Drew's) as weather maps] What's the weather like in the unemployment office?

• [after Ryan spits water on himself, he wiping his pants as Drew gives points] 100 points, 200 points 500 points,1000 points, 5000 points, 10,000 points, I have no more points to give.

• [during World's Worst, providing an example of the world's worst neighbor] Oh, me? I'm a jackhammer tester. [poor audience response] That'd be a bad guy to live next to, huh? A jackhammer tester. 'Cause then he'd play a jackhammer--he's gonna do his jackhammer all f*cking day.

• [During World's Worst, as the world's worst 'priest or rabbi,' mimicking Jerry Lewis's voice) "Well hey if you give me the knife and the BABY - I'll give it a li'l cut with the HEY!" [Wayne, Greg, Ryan and Colin all crack up.]

• [after Party Quirks in which Ryan breaks the light on Drew's desk, Ryan asks for extra points] I'm sorry, we spent all the points replacing the glass!

• You know, I reading my newspaper during the break, and guess what I read? I read that one of the people on Big Brother, after the got voted off, she said the show made her miserable. Join the club.

• We'll find out who the winner is after this, don't go away! --Announcement before the winner's segment. Later recycled for The Price Is Right.

• Welcome back to Whose Line is it Anyway. --Announcement returning from each commercial break. Later recycled for The Price Is Right.

• [Before every game of Sound Effects involving Ryan as the sounds] Here's your special spit-proof microphone Ryan. He gets that because he spits so much and I refuse to use the same one.

• [after a round of Scenes From a Hat] Okay! we're gonna come back with more Whose Line right after this. Don't go anywhere [throws the hat and hits a camera] OH S***!

• That was great, a billion points to everyone. That's right. One billion points. Feel the heat, Regis.

• [after explaining Number of Words] Did you get all that? Cause I'm not repeating it.

[edit] Greg Proops

[edit] Hats

• [wearing a fish hat, laughing hysterically] I have a giant fish head on. [takes hat off] I'm 42 fucking years old.

• [wearing an astronaut's helmet] I'd like to visit Uranus!

• [wearing a traffic light hat] I hope I'm not giving you mixed signals.

• [wearing red-tinted glasses and a green chef's hat] Yo. I'm from Beverley Hills, and I be pimpin'.

• [holding a bull-whip] Hi, I'm a member of Congress. [cracks whip]

• [wearing a helmet similar to Darth Vader's] I am your father.

• [wearing an Akubra, speaking in an Australian accent] How's you like to go down under? (from UK version)

• [wearing an Cowboy hat, speaking in an Texan accent] Darlin', everything's big where I come from.

Greg: [wearing a rabbit mask, muffled] I'm not into protection. [no audience response]

Drew: Say that again? I don't think anybody could hear you.

Greg: [takes mask off] Oh, could nobody hear me?

Drew: No.

Greg: Maybe it's because of this fucking mask I'm wearing.

• [wearing a bald wig] Hi, I'm Colin Mochrie. Have you been to Canada? (Gets up and copies Colin's dinosaur move)

• [wearing an evil looking mask] Let me be the gatekeeper to your portal of joy

• [wearing a long hair wig and holding an axe with a skull on it] GONDOR NEEDS WOMAN!!!

• [wearing a alien head dress] Well, I'm a Klingon by trade. [Mild audience response] But when I'm not funny, I sit here with this fucking thing on my head!

Greg: (wearing some butterfly wings) Well now I'm out of the caterpillar stage (minimal audience reaction)

Drew: (Buzz) Screech!

Greg: Well you put the fucking wings on!

[edit] Scenes from a Hat

Drew: What President Bush does in his office when he is all by himself.

Greg: [changes voice] Hello, is this Hillary Clinton? Is your water running?

---

Drew: State mottos rejected from license plates.

Greg: Mississippi! We do too have all our teeth!

[Later]

Greg: Texas! Capital punishment ROCKS!

Drew: Ya got that right, bubba.

---

Drew: Things you shouldn't do at the last minute.

Greg: (comes out with Wayne) And have a good first day at school. Daddy's gay.

---

Drew: Things you can say about the food you eat, but not your girlfriend.

Greg: Breast, breast, breast. I'm sick of breast. Where are the thighs?

Greg: These pies are incredibly small!

Greg: Man, this is juicy.

---

Drew: The good news and the bad news.

Greg: [comes out with Wayne and hands him a present] Merry Christmas Tommy. [Wayne opens it] Look. It's Geppetto on DVD. [buzzes]

Wayne: [laughing] I liked it!

Greg: The bad news is that it was Christmas.

---

Drew: Pull the string on the Drew Carey doll and it says...

Greg: [evil look at Drew]

Drew: Go ahead, do what ever you want baby.

Greg: [pulls string] Mimi and I are the same person.

---

Drew: Things you can say about your truck, but not your girlfriend.

Greg: Wow! You can fit four in there!

---

Drew: A brief glimpse into the dreams of Colin Mochrie.

(Greg pretend to be Colin that has hair and starts playing with it and then walks back to his place like a dinosaur)

Greg: [Came out again]Yeah, you were great, Sharon Stone. No, I'm not gonna call you.

---

Drew: Things you can say to your boat, but not your girlfriend.

Greg: Yeah, you could put a dozen guys down below.

Colin: She's taking on water!

---

Drew: If department store mannequins could talk.

[Greg is pointing with Wayne]

Greg: What the hell are we pointing at?

---

Drew: What President Bush does in the Oval Office when he's all by himself.

Greg: [pretending to hold up a mirror] Who beat Al Gore? Who beat Al Gore?

---

Drew: What's really going through George W. Bush's mind during cabinet meetings.

Greg: Hmm. What does the "W" stand for? Whatever!

---

Drew: Welcome signs when entering U.S. states

Greg: Welcome to Ohio, Watch out for Drew-pmft! (assuming that he hit or ran over Drew)

---

Drew: Excerpts from the dreams of Colin Mochrie.

Greg: [strokes his hair in a loving and slightly erotic fashion]

[returns to stage with Ryan and Wayne]

Greg, Ryan, and Wayne: [pulling back their hair to look like they're bald] AaAaAaAaAHH!

[edit] Superheroes

My god there's a clogged toilet. Drew Carey must be in town.

Remember, I'm not hot, I'm spicy.

Great Leaping Salamanders of Flame!

In a world filled with poop, there's just one prooper, I'm Greg Proops, the pooper scooper!

[edit] Hoedowns

When I went to med school I was very proud

When I got my diploma I yelled right out loud

I did an operation and I did my part

His name was Newt Gingrich and I removed his heart

---

Hey I got a girlfriend you know her name is Ruth.

The reason that I love her is that she always tells the truth.

We have not made love not since our inception.

But now she's pregnant she tells me it's immaculate conception.

---

I don't like to study, but I have no fear.

I'd rather just sit in my dorm room and drink lots of beer.

If I fail my tests, I have a special scheme.

It doesn't matter 'bout my grades, I'm on the football team.

[edit] Misc.

[A response to the "Horward" piano glitch incident] Watch out for those tempo changes, man. Because when we go into the second bridge, this shit takes off!

[edit] Ryan Stiles

[edit] Hats

• [wearing a chicken mask] Care to get laid?

• [wearing a lamp shade] Care to have a three-way?

• [wearing a grape hat] I swear to you, I'm seedless.

• [wearing a turkey hat] This year, I do all the stuffing.

• [wearing armor from ancient times] Don't worry. I brought a trojan.

• [wearing a burger hat] Go out with me, and I'll tell you what's in my secret sauce.

• [wearing a postal worker's hat] I'm from express mail and I absolutely have to be there overnight.

• [wearing a banana hat] Peel me. [later, he's eating one of the bananas] I don't have one, I'm just really hungry.

• [wearing a hot dog hat] It's true. I'm a foot long.

• [wearing a wrestling championship belt] Wanna know why they call me the Rock?

• [wearing an army helmet] I'm looking for a few good men.

• [wearing a chicken mask] It's time something other than an egg to be laid around here.

• [wearing a knight's helmet] Care to be a Knight Rider?

• [Holding a top hat brim facing up on his lap] It ain't gonna be a rabbit.

• [wearing a pizza hat] If I don't come in less than thirty minutes, I'm free!

• [wearing boxing gloves] Sorry, I only meant to nibble your ear. [pretends to spit something out of his mouth]

• [wearing a dog mask] Why? Because I can.

• [wearing a nurse's hat] With friends like this, who needs enemas?

• [wearing a spiked hat] How horny can one guy get?

• [wearing a helicopter helmet] Care to come sit in my cockpit? [later in the helmet again] Now that you're in my cockpit, do you mind if i eject?

• [wearing an oversized hat] And this is just my head.

• [wearing a crown] I may taste like butter... [buzz]

• [wearing a dice hat] I love to take you out on a date, but I've got the craps.

• [wearing a mining helmet] I love to take you out for a few drinks, but I'm a minor

[edit] Hoedowns

I wanted surgery but my doc said no

I had to force him cause I had no place to go

I had to threaten him with my big old mouser

Now I look just like a grown up Doogie Howser

---

Colin wants to be a magician and I think he should

The only problem is he's not very good

He really sucks, he's the worst in the land

His best trick is pouring hot coffee on his hand

---

My brother needed surgery but we both were broke

I took him to a veterinarian as a little joke

He never complained I didn't hear a peep

So I thought "what the hell" and had him put to sleep

---

I have to say that Halloween is my favorite day

When I open up the door, kids and mothers run away

I have no costume, I don't care in the land

I open up the door, I've got my penis in my hand

---

I've just heard that Vegas just went broke

Apparently because of one single bloke

They never thought they would ever see this day

But that's what happens when Drew Carey eats buffet

---

I want to see my relative but don't you know it's not right

Every time we get together, all we do is fight

I want to see my family but don't you know i can't

We are from the south and my sister is my aunt

---

I'll never see my family and that is just a hunch

As it turned out we weren't a very nice bunch

Oh no we're bad, we weren't any Hanson

I'll never see my family cause my name is Charlie Manson

---

I have the most horrifying costume you've ever seen

When the children see me, they run away and scream

When it comes to costume, there is none more scary

I put on stupid glasses and go out as Drew Carey

---

I really hate the guy who lives next door to me

I wish he would move real far so I couldn't see

People running naked it's really really scary

But I guess that's what you get when you live next door to Drew Carey

---

I am so ugly that I'll never have a lover

When I leave the house all the dogs run for cover

I'm big and white and round and my back is really hairy

Yes, you guessed it, my name is Drew Carey

---

My friends threw me a party, I knew that I was sunk

We strip right down, all night long got really drunk

Dancing with my naked friends, boy that's the life

As a matter of fact, to hell with my wife

---

I buys lots of products when I'm at home alone

It's really really easy to order them by phone

Not to order these things is really kind of hard

But I never worry too much, I use Colin's credit card

---

Maybe this hoedown, I'll do really good this time

Hey this is easy, I'm really starting to rhyme

It's going great, boy I hope I have some luck

Cause last time I messed up, I said a word that rhymes with duck

---

Our director, he really is the boss

For yelling and screaming he's never at a loss

He's the meanest guy that you will ever see

He should sprout a mustache and move to Germany

---

Oh boy this hoedown is taking mighty long

I am so sick of this bloody song

Wayne sits there, he gets to rest

His penis is large that's why he's behind the desk

---

A lot of people thinks that they're the best in the land

But the Backstreet Boys aren't my kind of band

Many people think that they are heaven's sent

But you're not a band unless you play an instrument

---

As an actor, there's nothing on TV

I think they should have a show about me

I don't think that's odd, I don't think that's real scary

And it'll happen when I murder Drew Carey

---

Oh boy, those cop shows give me such a fright

And it seems like they are on every single night

Sure, you can watch them if you really want a scare

Thursday, at eight, you can see Melissa's underwear

---

I hate it when they cut it for such a snob

But I guess in the way that is just their job

Faced it backstage that they act all snooty

But I hope they don't cut, Melissa's nice tight booty

---

Talking about traffic is boring all the time

It's hard to think about something that will rhyme

Traffic, awww, who cares, it doesn't have a class

Ah, once again I have to mention Melissa's a**

---

Losing all your hair isn't really that bad of a deal

A lot of women love just the way it feels

Just think of it as just a little more face

And you can rent it out as advertising space

---

I think you will find the best astronaut to be found

I can't wait to blast off and leave this ground

Soon as I get up there, oh boy, I yell "shoot!"

I forgot about my training, and I tinkled in my suit

---

I came out of my mother at exactly ten to five

Everyone screamed and ran and yelled, "It's alive!"

I can't really blame them, I guess it was kind of scary

Everyone tells me that I resemble Drew Carey

---

I went to the beach, and boy, was the water cold

I got in anyway, because I was bold

When I got in, it was colder than I feared

That's the day that my penis disappeared

---

Singing a song about a vending machine

Don't you know that it's really not my scene?

Trying to think of something clever with a little twist

If we do another hoedown, I'll slit my f***ing wrist.

---

I don't pay my taxes every single year

I guess it's the IRS I really really fear

I guess that's bad of me, doesn't show a lot of class

But every time I do they seem to f*** me up the a**

---

My girlfriend is pregnant I just heard from her.

Thinking about it makes me go "grrrrrrrr!!!!"

Someone makes me nervous, someone bring me towels.

Cause when I just went "grrrrrrrr!!!!" I emptied all my bowels.

---

A zoo is a place I don't want to be

All of the animals really frighten me

Here comes a hippo oh no it's kind of scary

Oh it's not a hippo It's just Drew Carey

---

I'm sure all that money would be really hard to spend

I'm sure It would seem like it would never, ever end

I could give it to charities or so I am told

But I think I would have my penis dipped in gold

---

Winning a lottery could be kind of funny

Boy I dunno what to do will all that money

A lot of people think that it would be kind of scary

But I would buy this show and fire Drew Carey

---

I try to rob every store that I see

but one time I got caught by forty cops how could that be?

I walked right in, and I opened up the door

That's what I get for robbing a donut store.

---

Singing about weight, I don't know where to begin

As you've noticed, I really am quite thin

I watch my weight, I don't want to end up dead

There's very few calories in licking Colin's head.

[goes on to lick Colin Mochrie's Head]

---

I cheated on my wife with her sister and her mother

I also slept with her cousin and her brother

Boy, when she heard, Boy did it sting her

The good news is next week, we're on "Jerry Springer"

[edit] Narrate

Colin: I'd like a big hammer.

Ryan: [aside] I knew he wanted a big hammer. Maybe a couple of nails and a good screw. (from UK version)

---

Ryan: [aside] [gibberish]

Ryan: Sorry, the speaker's broken.

Colin: Yes. I'd like a haircut.

Ryan: [aside] I knew he wasn't here for a haircut. And even if he was, it wouldn't take long.

[edit] Scenes from a Hat

Drew Carey: Things to say that will always start a fight.

Ryan Stiles: Guys wanna fight?

---

Drew Carey: Things you can say to your dog, but not your girlfriend.

Ryan Stiles: What did you just do?! What did you just do? Do I have to make you rub your nose in that?

[later]

Ryan Stiles:Get off the mailman! Get off the mailman!

---

Drew Carey: Things that Drew Carey whispers in his date's ear.

Ryan Stiles: Keep the change.

---

Drew: If dogs could talk...

Ryan: I've got worms, where?

---

Drew Carey: Entries in Drew Carey's Diary.

Ryan Stiles: (pretends to write) Dear Diary, Ryan looked at me again today. (buzz) How I wish I was sitting on his lap. (buzz, Ryan then leaves and then returns) Dear Diary, when will people find out that I'm not a man. (buzz)

Drew Carey: And moving right along (pulls out a paper) What our audience is thinking right now?

Ryan Stiles: I wonder if that's all true.

---

Drew: The shortest book ever written.

Ryan: Drew Carey's Acting Tips.

Drew: (mumbling) Drew Carey's Acting Tips

Ryan: See?

---

Drew: U.S. cities that will never have a song written about them.

Ryan: (singing) We wuv you, Walla Walla Washington; we wuv you, Walla Walla Washington...

(later) We call it "Butte", not "Butt", Montana...

(later) What's the matter with Weed?

---

Drew: Bad songs to sing in prison.

Ryan: (singing) Jim's escaping through the hole in the wall, the hole in the...

---

Drew: Famous Hollywood roles as played by Carol Channing.

Ryan: [Mimicking Carol Channing] I know what you're thinking. Did I fire seven shots or six? Well with all this confusion, I've forgotten myself, so you have to ask yourself one question: Do you feel lucky? Well do you punk?

[later]

Ryan: [Mimicking Carol Channing] I'm Spartacus!

[later]:

Drew: Things you don't expect to hear when you put your ear to a seashell.

Ryan: [Mimicking Carol Channing] I'm Spartacus!

---

Drew: What God created at an off day?

Ryan: [older voice] And I shall call it "the other white meat".

---

Drew Carey: First drafts of famous movie lines.

Ryan: [Writing] "Frankly Scarlett, I don't give a lamb." [later] "Go ahead, make a cake!"

---

Drew: Bad things to see tattooed on your date.

Ryan: [leans forward] "Property of the US Army?"

---

Drew: Bad things to hear from the doctor operating on you.

Ryan: Ooh, that's different...

---

Drew: Other people Dorothy might have met and what they would have ask The Wizard for.

Ryan: Hey Dorothy, I'm Drew Carey. I need some jokes to do in between scenes.

---

Drew: Least checked out library books.

Ryan: Hmm, Dirty Jokes And Beer. [written by Drew Carey.]

---

Drew: The good news and the bad news.

Ryan: The good news is, the surgery is over, and you're gonna look like a movie star! The bad news is that the movie star is Drew Carey!

---

Drew: Songs that kill the romance.

Ryan: [singing] I've got a cigar!

---

Drew: Unlikely ways to start a sermon.

Ryan: [opens book] ARE YOU READY FOR SOME FOOTBALL?!

---

Drew: If people broke into song in real life.

Ryan: [sings as he pretends to sit down] Where did all the toilet paper go?

---

Drew: Names of babies that will get their ass kicked.

Ryan: Aw, is Kickmyass hungry?

---

Drew: Name of Colin Mochrie's autobiography.

Ryan: (imitates grabbing a book off a shelf) How I Murdered Drew Carey.

---

Drew: Things written in the Whose Line bathroom

Ryan: (sits down then pretends to write) I give myself a thousand points.(Buzzer.) Ryan sticks hand out to flush toilet. Brad walks on stage pretends to unclog toilet and then flushes.

---

Drew: If songs were written about life's most embarassing moments

Ryan: (sings) Why can't I control my bowels?

---

Drew: If Carol Channing were president.

Ryan: [Mimicking Carol Channing] I never made love with that woman. I never had sexual affairs with her. [to Brad] Who the hell are you?[buzzer]

---

Drew: Worst world's subject for an interpritive dance.

Ryan: [making waving motion with his arms] Diarrhea: flows like a river.

---

Drew: Opening lines of foreign national anthems.

Ryan: Russia! Our women look like men!

---

Drew: What Santa left under Bill Clinton's tree

Ryan: (pretends to pick something up) Stain Remover?

---

Drew: (after numerous bald jokes at Colin's expense) Modern-day additions to the Ten Commandments.

Ryan: Thou shall not joke about bald people. (walks back and is high-fived by Colin.)

---

Drew: Besides an athletic event and a criminal getaway, times when people run as fast as they can.

Ryan: (stops and looks at camera with a disbelieving look.) Hoedown?

---

Drew: Professions where breaking into song is discouraged

Ryan: (pulls Colin with him) (straps him into a chair) [singing] We're...gonna...Fry you this morning, Fry you this morning!

---

Drew: Welcome signs when entering U.S. states.

Ryan: Welcome to Montana, there's no one here.

[Later]

Ryan: [Returns to stage] Welcome to Hawaii, how'd you get here in a car?

[Later]

Ryan: Utah welcomes you and your wives.

---

Drew: Bad ways for your optometrist to check your eyesight.

Ryan: [punches the air]

---

Drew: Things they never write songs about.

Ryan: [singing] You, and your constipation. [later] Why do dogs, always, hump my leg?

---

[Colin suddenly looses his balance. He grabs onto Ryan, so Ryan grabs his arm and pulls him back to balance.]

Ryan: I just saved your life.

---

Drew: Strange television shows for Mr. Rogers to make a guest appearance on.

Ryan: (as Mr. Rogers) Well, yes, I'd have to say that is my final answer.

---

Drew: Thing you can say about your computer but not your girlfriend

Ryan: Aw it's gone down again.

[later]

Ryan: Next year I'm getting rid of it and getting the new model.

---

Drew: What you would choose to do if you knew a huge meteor was about to hit the Earth.

Ryan: Guess what? I'm not doing a Hoedown tonight.

---

Drew: Dangerous things do while you're naked.

'Ryan: [pretends to open a door] Five minutes Mr. President

---

Drew: Questions you like to hear during the Ms. America Padget

Ryan: Can you pick up that quarter without using your hands?

---

Drew: Things heard on Hell's P.A. system.

Ryan: Attention, will the owner of a Pinto, license plate number...

---

Drew: Rejected "Jeopardy!" categories.

Ryan: Drew Carey's lingerie for 50.

---

Drew: Latin American sports announcers on their day off.

Ryan: I'll have a cheeseburger, some fries and a COOOOOOOOOOKE!

[buzzer]

Ryan: [returns to stage] You forgot my COOOOOOOOOOKE!

[buzzer]

Ryan: [returning again] Where the hell is my COOOOOOOOOOKE!?

---

Drew: Unlikely Olympic events.

Ryan: [to Brad] Alright, Jim, this is your last chance for the viagra vault.

---

Drew: Other people Dorothy might have met and what they would have ask The Wizard for.

Ryan: Hey Dorothy, I'm Drew Carey. I need some jokes to do in between scenes.

---

Drew: Least checked out library books.

Ryan: Hmm, Dirty Jokes And Beer. [written by Drew Carey.]

---

Drew: The good news and the bad news.

Ryan: The good news is, the surgery is over, and you're gonna look like a movie star! The bad news is that the movie star is Drew Carey!

---

Drew: Songs that kill the romance.

Ryan: [singing] I've got a cigar!

---

Drew: Unlikely ways to start a sermon.

Ryan: [opens book] ARE YOU READY FOR SOME FOOTBALL?!

---

Drew: If people broke into song in real life.

Ryan: [sings as he pretends to sit down] Where did all the toilet paper go?

---

Drew: Names of babies that will get their ass kicked.

Ryan: Aw, is Kickmyass hungry?

---

Drew: Name of Colin Mochrie's autobiography.

Ryan: (imitates grabbing a book off a shelf) How I Murdered Drew Carey.

---

Drew: Things written in the Whose Line bathroom

Ryan: (sits down then pretends to write) I give myself a thousand points.(Buzzer.) Ryan sticks hand out to flush toilet. Brad walks on stage pretends to unclog toilet and then flushes.

---

Drew: If songs were written about life's most embarassing moments

Ryan: (sings) Why can't I control my bowels?

---

Drew: If Carol Channing were president.

Ryan: [Mimicking Carol Channing] I never made love with that woman. I never had sexual affairs with her. [to Brad] Who the hell are you?[buzzer]

---

Drew: Worst world's subject for an interpritive dance.

Ryan: [making waving motion with his arms] Diarrhea: flows like a river.

---

Drew: Opening lines of foreign national anthems.

Ryan: Russia! Our women look like men!

---

Drew: What Santa left under Bill Clinton's tree

Ryan: (pretends to pick something up) Stain Remover?

---

Drew: (after numerous bald jokes at Colin's expense) Modern-day additions to the Ten Commandments.

Ryan: Thou shall not joke about bald people. (walks back and is high-fived by Colin.)

---

Drew: Besides an athletic event and a criminal getaway, times when people run as fast as they can.

Ryan: (stops and looks at camera with a disbelieving look.) Hoedown?

---

Drew: Professions where breaking into song is discouraged

Ryan: (pulls Colin with him) (straps him into a chair) [singing] We're...gonna...Fry you this morning, Fry you this morning!

---

Drew: Welcome signs when entering U.S. states.

Ryan: Welcome to Montana, there's no one here.

[Later]

Ryan: [Returns to stage] Welcome to Hawaii, how'd you get here in a car?

[Later]

Ryan: Utah welcomes you and your wives.

---

Drew: Bad ways for your optometrist to check your eyesight.

Ryan: [punches the air]

---

Drew: Things they never write songs about.

Ryan: [singing] You, and your constipation. [later] Why do dogs, always, hump my leg?

---

[Colin suddenly looses his balance. He grabs onto Ryan, so Ryan grabs his arm and pulls him back to balance.]

Ryan: I just saved your life.

---

Drew: Strange television shows for Mr. Rogers to make a guest appearance on.

Ryan: (as Mr. Rogers) Well, yes, I'd have to say that is my final answer.

---

Drew: Thing you can say about your computer but not your girlfriend

Ryan: Aw it's gone down again.

[later]

Ryan: Next year I'm getting rid of it and getting the new model.

---

Drew: What you would choose to do if you knew a huge meteor was about to hit the Earth.

Ryan: Guess what? I'm not doing a Hoedown tonight.

---

Drew: Dangerous things do while you're naked.

'Ryan: [pretends to open a door] Five minutes Mr. President

---

Drew: Dr. Seuss inspired pick-up lines

Ryan: Come home with me, I'm not scary. I'm really rich, I'm Drew Carey.

[comes back on the stage]

Ryan: Come sleep with me, sleep with me twice. I'd think that that'd be very nice. Lookey Lookey at the color of my shoe. You know what they say, yes it's true

---

Drew: The other Spice Girls

Ryan: I'm cilantro.

---

Drew: What the Whose Line's wives are thinking right now

Wayne: I love my husband, Wayne Brady.

[the crowd awws]

Ryan: I love her husband, Wayne Brady.

---

Drew: Things on Celebrity Fear Factor.

Ryan: [has a shocked look on his face] A French accent?

[later]

Ryan: [has a shocked look on his face] Hoedown?

---

Drew: Other things the first man on the moon might have said.

Ryan: Oooh, I hope I get back

[later]

Ryan: [walks in and looks at the soles of his shoes] OOOOOOH!

---

Drew: Statements if the first man on the moon was a celebrity.

Ryan: [mimicking Carol Channing] Well this is as dry and barren as I am!

---

Drew: Bad parental motivational speeches.

Ryan: Do you want to end up like me? [buzzer]

[returns to the stage]

Ryan: A teacher? A teacher? Honey prostitutes make twice that money!

---

Drew: Celebrities who shouldn't release rap records.

Ryan: (pretends to rap and do a Jimmy Stewart impression at the same time)

---

Drew: Things that make the audience break out cheering.

Ryan: In ten minutes we break out the liquor.

[later]

Ryan: Everyone get out your ticket stubs, we will now raffle off Drew Carey's Porsche.

---

Drew: Shows on which you wouldn't expect to see Barney the Dinosaur make a cameo on.

Ryan: [as Barney] Yes, that's my final answer.

[edit] Show Stopping Number

My friend, you're fired (buzz)

• My friend, (pauses) you're fired
• Working with you all boy I'm tired
• Stealing stamps thats kind of heinous
• I can't think straight since you grabbed my penis

I'm tired of poking holes in these things (buzz)

• I'm tired of poking holes in these things
• It doesn't ring ding-a-ding-dings
• We didn't get the chef in we almost didn't get the hint
• because drew choked on an altoid mint

This is no life for me (buzz)

• This is no life for me
• It's not my job and a job that i can see
• I get forgotten there so much denial
• In case you forget my name is Ryan

[edit] Weird Newscasters

• (As an old man) I don't need to go to the board, I can feel it in my knees. It's going to rain tomorrow. Then it's going to be sunny. I can feel that in my butt.

• [pointing at Drew] This one is the laziest of them all, but at least he makes money!

• I've fallen and I can't get up!

• (As Prince Charming) I'm sorry. There's dark clouds ahead and doesn't look like there will be a ray of sunshine in my life, unless I find the person who fits. [goes around audience looking for the right fit] TAW,TAW,TAW,DAH,AHH,AWH,AHH,DAH,NO,NO,NO,AH,Oh..hoo-NO,OHH,NA,GA,NA,DAH,DOH,DE,AWW,NAW. [comes to Drew and apparently finds a match] NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!WHY!!!! [starts to cry] WHY!!!!!!!!! [mimicks hanging himself dangling back and forth next to Drew.]

• (As John Wayne) Well, thank you very much, Colin. As you can see, we got a beautiful weekend......IN STORE.

We also got a- (makes arrow sounds) ....INDIANS. [later]

• I can't get on my horse! (tries to get on tv camera)

• (As an Incan looking for a virgin to sacrifice, goes around the audience looking, apparently doesn't find anyone) WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE! (Runs offstage)

• (Ryan has just realised it is the first day of the Ryan hunting season. He mimics Charol Channing) I think you've got the wrong person.

• "(Ryan is attacked by ferocious animals)"* (Shoves his hands into his pockets and flails them around) RATS! RATS! RATS! RATS! RATS ! RATS! (slows down his shaking) Rats. Raaaaats! Oh...Rats. (lipping) Back to you.

• "(Ryan discovers that his weather map covers he gates of Hell and is desperate to keep the shut)"* (inside "Hell") AAAAAAAAAHHHHH! (mimics holding a remote) Friends. Can't stop watching Friends. Friends!.

"later" (talking to Drew) Gasp! So this is how you got two shows!

• (Ryan's life flashes before his eyes) (singing a hoedown) Oh...We'll do another hoedown, this makes 300 now/ If I do another shouldn't I be proud/here's another hoedown that's commin' out of my head/if I do another I'd rather be dead! (starts to die)

• (Ryan is rapidly descending the evolutionary scale) (acts like a monkey) OOOH! OOOH! OOOH! (sits down on the floor) (mimics Drew pushing the buzzer) ERRT! You each get a thousand points. Let's move on to Party Quirks.

• (as an army drill sergeant) (points to a random guy) Where are you from? (the man replies Los Angeles) LOS ANGELES? There are only two things that come from Los Angeles! Steers and....(thinks for a second) YOU!!

• (Ryan is Frankenstein looking for a mate) (low gruff voice) AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH! (walks towards Collin) EEEEWWWWWW!

• (Ryan's weather map is everyone's body) (pointing at Kathy's body) There might be some clouds over the weekend. (walks over to drew) and there might be a small craft warning!

• (Ryan is a Psycho with a chainsaw) We're expecting a lot of rain in the state of Oregon, so let's just get rid of Oregon! (pretends to cut out Oregon from the map)

[edit] World's Worst

Hitchhiker to Give a Ride to

• (mimes cocking a shotgun)

• (sing Irish Drinking Song intro)

• Thanksverymuch. Gogogogogo! (prenteds to look out the rear window)

• You mind if I put in Michael Bolton?

• Hi, I'm Michael Bolton.

Nightclub Act

• And now with my appendix gone, all that's left is to sew me up.

• Capital of Washington is Olympia. Capital of Oregon is Salem. Capital of California is Sacramento. Capital of Idaho is Boise. Capital of Nevada is- dahh! (Drew: Reno.)

• (sings fanfare while tying his shoe)

• Alright, if everybody's ready... I spy with my little eye something that is green. Green, ladies and gentlemen.

Person to be Married To

• Can- can you just shave it up to the sholders?

• I think I look better in this skirt than you do.

• Oh, you're taking a bath? (pretends to use the toilet)

Person to be President

• (as Scooby-Doo) Ruh-oh!

• (as Mr. Rogers) Well, it's a beautiful day in the White House.

• (as Charles Manson) I'd like to meet the new members of the Supreme Court. This is Tex and Squeaky...

Priest or Rabbi

• What exactly is a "lap dance"?

• I understand you've slept with three women. (whispering) He's slept with three women!

• If you'll- turn to your hymn book, page- Go! Go! Go!

• Today I'll be delivering the sermon as John Wayne. (as John Wayne) In the beginning...

Psychiatrist

• Well, you're nuts!

• No, please continue. (pretends to mock the patient)

• Oh... Uh huh, yeah. (pretends to watch TV)

• (pretending he's a straightjacket) Please, sit down.

Self-Help Instructional Video

• Take the magazine in your left hand. Lower your pants- (buzz) Now read. Once again... (buzz)

• Hi, I'm Drew Carey. Today, we're going to learn to walk backwards. Look behind you, look behind you while you're walking. While you're walking. There's a stair. Lift your foot onto the stair. Pushing yourself up onto the stair-

• (pretends to stare at a wall) Ten more minutes and we can put on a second coat.

Super Bowl Halftime Show

• And now, now, now, ladies and gentlemen, men, men... Hoedown, down, down, down.

• (pretends to remove his thumb from his right hand)

Television Program

• Welcome to a very special three hour hoedown.

• Hey, it's time to play "What's In My Pants?"!

TV Advertisement

• And if you act by midnight, we'll throw in one of Drew Carey's People Choice Awards.

• Is your penis too small? Well, let you-- Aw (bleep)!

• Are you bothered by diarrahea? I'll be right back!

[edit] Unsorted

• I know I'm not built like most of the women around here, but I can hold my own. And I usually do.

• The guy with hair was starting to come down!

• I remember when I first received my draft notice for the Vietnam War in 1964 ... Unfortunately, I was only 5 years old at the time.

• What do you call a Italian Nomad? "He's a Roman"!

• We'll return to your regularly scheduled show, 'Touched By an Uncle', in just a moment.

• Michael Jackson, terrific singer and a GREAT head coach.

• There's nothing like butt toast and head eggs.

• [After a song in Greatest Hits went too long] And you can vote for your favorite of those three endings.

• [In a game of Who Wants to be a Millionaire]

Colin: Who is this?

Ryan: It's your Dad.

Colin: Oh, Dad, hi.

Ryan: How's school?

Colin: Fine.

Ryan: Have you been studying your Math? And your...letters?

Colin: For God's sake, Dad, I'm thirty-four.

• [after a game of Living Scenery with Playboy playmates]

Brad: Can Wayne and I play that game now? [audience laughter]

Drew: No.

Ryan: I don't think I could lift you.

• (Ryan as Carol Channing whose head keeps getting stuck to things in Party Quirks)

Kathy: Can I help you at all? (Ryan's head stuck on carpet.)

Ryan: Is this shag? It's just gorgeous.

Kathy: Listen. I, I....

Ryan: What a wonderful floor.

Kathy: Listen, Is there something worse than having a depressed Carol Channing at your party?

Drew: Not quite.

Ryan: Oh mighty lord...(Head flies over to Drew's desk as the glass neon light decoration on the desk shatters on his head. Kathy and audience gasp in shock.)

Kathy: Are you OK?

Ryan: I'm fine.

Drew: (looks over his desk) Oh my God! Are you OK?

Ryan:Yes. (Drew buzzes, Wayne gets up and looks away)

Kathy:Oh, my god.

Ryan: I'm fine; it's okay...(as Drew bends down at Ryan's head, laughing hysterically) I'm good.

Kathy:Carol.

Ryan:What?

Kathy:Carol.

Ryan: I'm afraid...you wouldn't have a suture around the house would you?

Kathy: Yes I actually do right here.

Ryan: (To Drew) Stop picking the glass in my hair!

Kathy:Carol, It is Carol?

Ryan: I used to be. I can't remember anymore. Tell me am I bleeding?

Drew: No, no your OK, you're not bleeding.

Ryan: I can't get off this because my....

Drew: Because his what keeps sticking to things.

Kathy: Because....

Ryan:Don't make me run into anything else!

Drew: Carol Channing who is what?

Kathy: Who is drunk as a skunk?

Ryan: No!

Drew: His blank keeps sticking to blank.

Kathy: Your head is velcro?

Ryan: No.

Drew:(Buzzes). Close enough. (Ryan and Cathy go back to their chairs respectively). Hey it's always funny when it happens to somebody else. (Ryan gives him a look.) Wow man, you went all out on that one.

Ryan:There better be extra points for this.

Drew:I'm sorry, we spent all the points replacing the glass!

Ryan:(To Colin) Was that lit?

Colin: Oh yeah it was. Would have been better if your head burst into flames. That would have been neat.

Drew: How many fingers am I holding up? (Switches from 3 to 2 to 1.)

Ryan: Four?

Drew: Close enough.

Ryan: How bout me? (Flips the bird, censored)

[during Questions Only]

Wayne: Ecuador.

Brad: What? [buzzes after a short pause]

Ryan: [takes Wayne's place] Ecuador?

[during Helping Hands with Whoopi Goldberg]

Ryan: Let me play a little song to you to describe what bein' a pirate's like.

Whoopi: Aye.

Ryan: [Colin picks up an accordian, and Ryan hums a few notes as if he's tuning] (singing, while Colin plays accordian furiously) We sail the sea at night, we sail upon the dark, we (babbles incoherently) upon the dark, I see the one above me, I sail along the sea, I work-a-work-a-work-a-blank-a, hey, go look, it's me!

Ryan: You know, Colin.

Colin: Yeah, Ryan.

Ryan: When I'm feeling romantic to the--with the wife, or to the wife...Sometimes she's sleeping.

Ryan: I think one of my favorite singers of all time was Liberace. He didn't sing a lot. He played, but sometimes he sang as well.

Colin: You knew him better than I did.

Ryan: I think...

[extended audience laughter and applause]

Ryan: But I think a style I like even more is done by his sister Mary. Mariachi music is one of my favorites.

• [during World Worst, providing an example of the world's worst neighbor] Excuse me, I'm tapped into your cable. Would you mind changing it to channel 8?

• [after a game of "Party Quirks," in which Ryan played a foal being born]

Drew Carey: Ryan "Anything for a laugh" Styles.

Ryan: That's how I got the job on the other show, remember?

• [During Survival Show, when they were nominating who would be the next to leave] I voted for myself. I want to get the hell out of here!

[edit] Wayne Brady

[edit] Hats

• [wearing a fly mask] I enjoy long walks... Poo!
• [wearing a hat with the Confederate Flag on it] Wanna go down south?
• [wearing a fire fighter's helmet] Damn! Baby got backdraft!
• [wearing a George Bush mask, laughing] Ha, ha, ha, (takes off his shoe and starts counting his toes) One, two, three...
• [wearing a chicken hat] My lovin's so good, it'll make your chicken run! (Low reaction from the audience. Drew buzzes.) See, it's a movie. (laughs, then throws the hat on the ground and runs offstage.)
• [wearing a nun's hood] Guess what? You ain't gettin' none. (nun)
• [wearing a hazmat hood] Now that's REAL safe sex!
• [wearing a pope hat] I put the "puh" in pope.
• [wearing a taxi driver's cap] (sighs) That'll be $12.95. (audience reacts) For the taxi cab ride! You guys are horrible!
• [wearing a rainbow-striped hat] who wants some hot dog on a me?
• [holding a trumpet] All the ladies say, "Blow, Satchmo, Blow!"
• [wearing a Don King wig] Me and you, on a date, January 12th in Madison Square Garden.
• [wearing a Bill Clinton mask] I'm looking for a girl who can keep her mouth shut.
• [wearing a mountie hat] Wanna mount a mountie?
• [wearing an army helmet the wrong way] Ow! (Drew: It's backwards.)[He puts it on right] What you laughing at, soldier?!
• [wearing a parrot hat] RAWP! Polly wants some booty!
• [wearing an African tribe hat] If you don't love me now, Uguanda.

[edit] Hoedowns

I'm going to tell you folks a little tale

About how I won the battle of the scale

See my weight won't hurt me, my heart, it would break it

How I lost weight, I picture Drew standing naked

---

Thank goodness for my mom, that I was made

It was 27 years ago that my dad got laid

But, so you see, upon closer inspection

I'm standing here 'cause he didn't use protection

---

I met my girl at the zoo when that's no junk

I'm dating an elephant that she has a trunk

And I love her I give her my allegence

Why she dosn't want money she just works for peanuts

---

If I won the lottery I would do lots of good

I would do exactly what a friend should

Because you see I love you guys let me explain

I take all my money and buy Colin some rogain

---

I consider myself quite a fugal frella... [Brad starts to laugh] Shut up! Keep it going!

---

I'm a professor, I've got a Ph. D.,

I am so smart, no one is smarter than me,

I'm a professor, I've been one all night,

I'm a professor, I hope Chip guesses right.

[edit] Scenes from a Hat

Drew: Celebrity endorsements doomed to fail.

Wayne: [with a lisp] I'm Mike Tyson for Encyclopedia Britannica.

---

Drew: Things you shouldn't joke about with your girlfriend's father.

Wayne: (To Greg) No, really, Mr. Proops. She is like a banshee! (Audiences laughs) Really. (Howls) I'm like, "Ow, baby"! (Greg pretends to strangle Wayne)

---

Drew: Presidential slogans that will not get you elected.

Wayne: I'm Jesse Jackson...

---

Drew: U.S. cities that will never have a song written about them.

Wayne: (singing) Our arms are wide open at muscular huchi-halli Alabama; muscular huchi-halli Alabama; come on in, come on in!

---

Drew: Confusing battle cries

Ryan: Don't shoot 'til you see the whites!

Wayne: [runs toward Ryan pretending to hold a rifle]

---

Drew: Things you don't expect to hear when you put your ear to a seashell.

Wayne: [quickly] Put me down!

---

Drew: Things you don't want to see old people doing.

Wayne: [picks up phone] 911. What? [falls asleep]

---

Drew: Other people Dorothy might have met, and what they would have asked The Wizard for.

Wayne: Dorothy, I'm Ryan Stiles. Drew just fired me. Can I have a job?

---

Drew: Something you always wanted to tell your parents but couldn't... until now.

Wayne: Mom. Dad. I'm white.

---

Drew: Nightly bedside prayers of Whose Line cast members.

Wayne: Please Lord, don't let the Mr. Drew climb in my window.

Brad: Lord, please tell Ryan to stop wearing clown shoes.

Wayne: Lord, please give me ring-side tickets to see Ryan kick Brad's ass.

---

Drew: Hillbilly proverbs.

Wayne: A wife ain't nothing but just a sister that you hug.

---

Drew: Things bald men are sick of hearing.

Wayne: [to Colin] We need your head to bounce the laser off of to communicate with the satellite.

[later]

Wayne: [to Colin] No I can't. I just did one.

"Colin': No please its comedy.

Wayne: Will Johnny take me to the prom? [uses Colin's head as a magic 8 ball]

---

Drew: What God created at an off day?

Wayne: Hey, buddy! I'm Pauly Shore!

---

Drew: Things that sound inappropriate but really aren't.

Wayne: [holding chicken] Hi, I'm Farmer Dick and this is my prized cock.

---

Drew: Strange titles for celebrity autobiographies.

Wayne: [imitates grabbing a book off a shelf] James Brown - what the hell did he say?

---

Drew: Trivial reasons to hold news conferences.

Wayne: I'm here to report that Jimmy is no longer cracking corn, and I do care.

[later]

Wayne: I would now like to announce UPN's fall season.

---

Drew: Things you can say about the food you eat, but not your girlfriend

Wayne: Would you look at the mold on that.

[later]

Wayne: No one's gonna want those eggs!

---

Drew: What's really going through George W. Bush's mind during cabinet meetings.

Wayne: [Just stands silently]

(later)

Wayne: ...Thats where poo come from...

---

Drew: Difficult questions for mommy to answer

Wayne: Mommy. How come no one looks like me on Friends?

---

Drew: If songs were written about life's most embarrassing moments.

Wayne: [Singing] We made love at 5:06, and I was done by 5:07.

---

Drew: The good news and the bad news

Wayne: [Pretending to read a newspaper] Ah, the elections are finally over! [Turns the page] President BUSH?!

---

Drew: Things you can say about your business, but not your girlfriend.

Colin: It's open 24 hours.

Wayne: I just leased some space to a buddy of mine out back. [buzzer] Parking in rear.

---

Drew: The winning entries in the Hillbilly Poetry Contest.

'Wayne: [with a slight lisp] When you're gone, it's you I miss, no one I love more than my mama's sis.

Ryan: People say our love is a bunch of fooey, but when I want you, I yell "Suey".

---

Drew: Things you don't expect to see in bed.

Wayne: Colin?

[Colin apears next to Wayne]

Wayne: AAAAAAAH!

Colin: Teach me how to sing like you!

Ryan: [comes into the stage] What's his problem?

Colin: I don't know

---

Drew: Inappropriate times to show off your stomache muscles.

Wayne: (Pretends to cradle a baby in his arms. To Colin whispering) Mr. Johnson. Hey, look, look at your little one. (Rubs stomache) Huh, and look at these. Huh, you like that, baby? You like that, ba-- (Leaves)

---

Drew: Thing that will make the audience break out cheering.

Ryan:: Alright, in ten minutes we break out the liquor.

Wayne: (Pretends to speak through a megaphone) I'm the liquor!

---

Drew: When it's unwise to say "I don't care" to her.

Wayne: (sitting in a chair in front of the TV) Yeah, I love you, too.

'Drew: Scenes from Wayne's real life.

(laughter)

Drew: People you wish would just shut up.

Wayne: (pantomimes pulling a suggestion out of the hat) "People you wish would just shut up."

---

Drew: Things you shouldn't do when confronted by a street gang.

Wayne: Okay, okay, wait. Don't- don't hit me. Look, here, I've got money. Wait, that's a hundred, that's a fifty - wait, wait, hold on - I've got... here's two bucks.

---

Drew: If Celebrities were the first to walk on the moon.

Wayne: (Pretending to walk in low gravity) Whoooooooooooo! (Moonwalks)

[edit] Unsorted

• [as Chucky the evil doll] I don't know, toots! Why don't you tell me about the last time you grappled with six inches of plastic! ... I mean my height!

• [in a game of Song Titles - Don't Feed the Animals] Don't feed the animals. I'll hurt you.

• [after singing a song to Richard Simmons] I feel ten pounds lighter and just a little dirty.

• [singing a song to Howard as a member of the Village People] HOWARD! H-O-R! HOWARD! W-A-R-D!

• [after performing "Song Styles" as a strip-o-gram] I feel so dirty!

• [laughing, after Colin's "there's blood in my stool" gag during Irish Drinking Song] Improv and a medical report!

[edit] Guest Stars

[edit] Scenes from a hat

Drew Carey: What Robin Williams is really thinking right now.

Robin Williams: I have a career! What the hell am I doing here?

---

Drew Carey: Hollywood roles as played by Carol Channing.

Robin Williams: [Mimicking Carol Channing] Surely you must be the son of God!

---

Drew Carey: Things you wouldn't expect to hear from a seashell.

Robin Williams: Who's yer daddy?

---

Drew Carey: If entertainers worked at funeral homes.

Robin Williams: [In Australian accent] Is this the loved one? [Pretends to place two things on the body] All right, start the truck, Johhny. Wow! Look at him move! Isn't it amazing, ladies and gentlement? With just six volts, you can make your relatives dance again!

---

Drew Carey: Bad topics for an interpretive dance.

Robin Williams: [Crouches on the floor] Impotence... is a horrifying thing. [Stands with Wayne behind him, then hops off-stage]

---

Drew Carey: Bad things to yell during sex.

Kathy Griffin: YOUR NAME! I CAN'T REMEMBER YOUR NAME!

[edit] Living Scenery

Richard Simmons: I'll be the prop! I'll be all the props for these men!

Drew Carey: If I had a nickel for every time I heard that...

[edit] Multiple cast members

[edit] Bartender

[edit] Wayne is in love with Chip

Wayne: Hi, Chip.

Chip: I think I need the drink!

Wayne:

Everyday I walk by of your place of work

And I see your bronze physique and hair and it makes my heart hurt

In my head if I could bite you I would take a little nip

Because I'm the chocolate and you're the chip!

Chip:

Oh Wayne I think you're sweet, I really feel ya

I can tell right now you've got Chip-o-phelia

But there's one thing I'm saying to you boy

Right now Wayne, CHIPS AHOY! (runs away)

[edit] Greatest Hits

Ryan: Hey Colin!

Colin: What, Ryan?

Ryan: How much money would you pay for a two-CD set like this?

Colin: Well I don't know, 39 dollars?

Ryan: ... Unfortunately it's $69.95.

---

Ryan: How much would you pay for a 5-CD set like this? Or even a 50-CD set like this?

Colin: Why, I'd pay up to $50,000... but I'm an idiot!

Ryan: And you're from Canada, so with the exchange...

Colin: I'm still an idiot!

---

Ryan: We put in fifty songs about college in fifty CDs!

Colin: How many CD is that a song?

Ryan: Well that's... [mimes thinking for a minute counting while Colin shook his head]

Colin: It's a good thing you're an actor.

---

Ryan: Hey Colin!

Colin: Yeah?

Ryan: What comes to mind when I say Ricky Ricardo and great cigars?

Colin: Oh, Tapioca! [audience laughs]

Ryan: [paused for a moment] Really? Why's that?

Colin: Wasn't that his big song? 'TAPIOOOOCA! TAPIOOOOCA!'

Ryan: [starts laughing] No, Colin, I'm talking about Cu-- [starts cracking up] I'm talking about Cuba, Colin-- [cracks up again, after a long pause],

Colin: Cuba! It's a small island.

Ryan: [talks between laughs] It is....[still laughing] Why don't you tell the people about it?

---

Colin: You know, let's leave Cuba behind for a second. Let's move on to another island.

Ryan: Alright.

Colin: Where some of my favorite music can be found, Ska!

Ryan: [gasps] Ska! Like a bunch of crows, SKA!!

Colin: Tapioca!!

[later]

Ryan: Hey Colin!

Colin: Yeah?

Ryan: What comes to mind when I say tapioca?

Colin: Oh, the magical land of Cuba!

Ryan: Right you are... that's right the Cubo-The Cuban Missile Crisis, the Bay of Pigs, which, oddly enough, is the same name as a bar that I drank at last night.

---

Ryan: Hi!

Colin: Hi!

Ryan: How are you?

Colin: Fine. We're...

Ryan: We don't know what you're watching, so we're not going to tell you when we're going to return you to it.

Colin: Oh! We would... We're watching animal porn! [cracks up, covering his face]

Ryan: What?

[buzzer sounds]

Colin: "Mary Had a Little Lamb" will be right back in just a second. But ja-

[buzzer sounds again]

Ryan: [cracks up as does the audience]

Colin: I'm sorry, I apologize.

Ryan: [After he finishes laughing, to Drew] Wher-ah-so happy. We're watching animal porn!

---

Ryan: We laugh so much on our jobs here. That's because we have the best job in the world. Selling you CD's about things you don't care about. For instance, this CD pack is loaded with songs about the motorcycle.

Colin: [poorly imitates a motorcycle] That would be-

Ryan: Apparently, Colin's never ridden one.

---

Ryan: Hey Col.

Colin: Yeah, Ry?

Ryan: Here's another riddle for ya.

Colin: Alright.

Ryan: What kind of bird always says the name of our next band?

Colin: Oh. I guess a...tern? An Arctic tern?

Ryan: And what sound does an Arctic tern make?

Colin: (in a parrot-like voice) "BACKSTREET BOYS"?

Ryan: [starts laughing] No! No Colin, that's wrong...

---

Ryan: Hey Colin, what comes to your mind when I say "ska"?

Colin: Sandpaper!

(Ryan stares at Colin)

Colin:...Cause that's the sound that you get from scraping wood!

(pretends to scrape wood)

Colin: Ska, ska, ska!

Ryan: Hey Colin, what do you like on your chips? (hinting music style: salsa)

Colin: why, a little bit of paper.

(awkward beat)

Ryan: (annoyed) say the papers a little bland, what do you put on that?

Colin: A grain of salt!

Ryan: -sa, saltsa! See, salsa! My favorite music style!

---

Ryan: Hey Colin

Colin: Yeah Ryan?

Ryan: What comes to your mind when I say cowpoke?

(Colin stares at camera looking very disturbed)

Ryan: (giggling) -wait, wait, wait, let me fill in the blank for you, I was thinking of cowboy.

Colin: Oh, me too.

---

(songs of the cowboy)

Ryan: Styles come and Styles go, and they are all on this cd set. Including that long forgotten style, Grunge. Remember Grunge?

Colin: (bluntly) yeah.

(beat)

Ryan:…Well it's on this CD set.

Colin: Well I didn't know you wanted me to explain-

Ryan: You could help me out a little bit, I can't sell the CDs all by myself.

Colin: ...I was a big grunge fan.

Ryan: There we go!

(after Grunge song)

Colin: It was then that I realized that it wasn't Grunge I was into.

Ryan: Hey Colin, what comes to your mind when I say Do-wop?

Colin: Apple Pie.

(Ryan stares at Colin)

Colin: Cause the chef's name was Dew Op!

Ryan: Do you like Do-wop, Colin?

Colin: Yeah, I also like grunge.

---

(songs of marriage)

Colin: It is called I'm the Groom

Wayne: I'm gonna get married, I'm gonna find myself a guy...

(Wayne collapses into laughter and so does the musicians)

Brad: The band's had a little too much to drink!

Ryan: That's a very special song of this CD-set cause that's the exact moment they broke up as a group!

(The audiences especially, Wayne, Brad and the musicians cracked up)

[edit] Improbable Mission

The infamous "Emir of Groovefunkistan" game.

Ryan: Got a tape in the mail.

Colin: [groans] I thought we were out of the spy business...

Ryan: We're never out of the spy business, Colin, not as long as tapes keep coming to the door.

[Ryan plays the tape]

Greg: [as peppy marketer] How would YOU like to make money in Real Estate?

[Ryan flips the tape over]

Greg: Good morning, gentlemen.

Colin: Good morning.

Greg: How are you today?

Colin: Fine.

Greg: How's your cold, Ryan?

Ryan: It's cleared up.

Greg: Well all right then...

Colin: Like what am I, nothing?

Greg: I'd love to chat but I'm busy being on the...

[Ryan fast forwards]

Greg: Gentlemen, today's mission is of the greatest importance. The Emir of Groovefunkistan, a small Middle Eastern Nation is coming to visit the President. He'll be arriving in Washington D.C., however, his flight has been delayed and his burnoose is dirty. Your job is to go to his hotel, The George C. Clark hotel, you don't know it never mind, and clean a new burnoose for the Emir of Groovefunkistan. This tape will self destruct as soon as you throw it out the...

[Ryan throws it out the window]

Greg: BOOM!

Ryan: Thank God we picked window!

Colin: Yes. Well, we've got a mission, let's get to it.

[dramatic music]

Ryan: I can't remember where the hotel is, you've got your Thomas Guide?

Colin: Yes. [opens guide]

Ryan: E5. It's gonna be tough. Oh my God, my car's in the shop.

Colin: Well, luckily they've marked every street and town with big numbers and letters.

Ryan: Wait a minute...we're at E4 already.

Colin: Quick, E5!

Ryan: We're here! I didn't realize we lived so close to the hotel!

Colin: No kidding, we never look out the window except to throw burning tapes.

Ryan: We can't go in the front door, they'll spot us.

Colin: Yes, we better climb up through that window there that seems impossibly high.

Ryan: We've got nothing to get up there with, I didn't bring any rope.

Colin: Wait, your hair. You know it's just one long strand.

Ryan: You said you'd never mention that again.

Colin: Reel us up.

Ryan: [as they're going up] By the way I love you.

Colin: Stop it!

Ryan: Patio door's locked. There's people inside. We're gonna have to make a diversion so they come out and I can sneak in and get the... garment.

Colin: FIRE!

Ryan: That was easy. Now what was it?

Colin: A burnoose.

Ryan: Any idea what it look like?

Colin: It looks like... a burnoose. There it is.

Ryan: Here's one. We've gotta wash it somehow. There's no. We can't go down stairs... the bath tub! We'll fill the bathtub up with water.

Colin: Wait, the faucet's rigged!

Ryan: What?

Colin: The faucet's rigged!

Ryan: In what way?

Colin: With an explosive! How long have you been a spy?

Ryan: I didn't see that! I guess they really don't want people taking baths in this room.

Colin: Why don't we just take the faucet off and flush it?

Ryan: How's that gonna work? BOOM. Oh, stand back! It's filled up the tub!

Colin: Perfect!

Ryan: We're gonna need some type of detergent.

Colin: Detergent, detergent... the cat! No that's no good!

Ryan: Wait a minute, bars of soap, there's nothing but bars of soap. But we have to agitate it in some way.

Colin: [Colin gets in the tub] Give me the beans.

Ryan: It's working! It's clean! [Starts trying to blow it dry]

Colin: It's taking to long! The Snackipark of Imar will be here.

Ryan: We've gotta dry it ourselves...

Colin: The cat!

[Ryan begins hysterically laughing]

Ryan: The cat? Stop it with the cat...

Colin: It's clean. But it needs some fabric softener.

Ryan: [through laughing fits] Fabric softener?!

Colin: Well, you can't have static cling. The burnoose will stick to his. [Colin looks around] The cat!

[Ryan's laughing hysterically]

Colin: Is anyone coming?

Ryan: [laughing] No.

Colin: It's perfect, it's perfect!

Ryan: Good!

Colin: You'd better model it!

Ryan: Oh, it fell in the water again! Wait a minute, the cat!

Colin: The cat's wet now!

Colin: Wait, give me a match!

[lights the burnoose on fire]

Colin: Ohh! [slaps forehead]

Colin: It's okay, I have an extra burnoose!

[buzzer]

Ryan: I couldn't stop laughing!

---

Ryan: We don't have a flower!

Colin: I'll try my Origami!

Ryan: Origami? Is that some kind of fancy-(changes tone) It's beautiful!

---

Ryan: How do we cook this?

Colin: Wait! Your microwave butt!

Ryan: What?

Colin: Your microwave butt!

Ryan: Do me a favor.

Colin: What?

Ryan: Set it on 'light'.

---

Ryan: (walks on) We got a mission.

Greg: Good morning gentlemen. How are you?

Colin: Fine.

Greg: Really?

Colin: Do we have a mission, or...?

Greg: I have a mission of the utmost importance. The king of Kerblang- the king of Kabloong...Hard-to-Pronounceia...is coming to Washington, where he wishes to play croquet with the Vice President. The lawn in front of the White House must be manicured down to a fine sheen. Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to mow the lawn, using any technology you have available. If you or any of your team are caught or killed, the Secretary will say something awful about you at your funeral. This message will turn into a bird and fly away right NOW!

Ryan: We got a mission!

(shakes hands with Colin, Dramatic music starts)

Ryan: How far is it to the White House?

Colin: about...(pulls out map)... 786 miles!

Ryan: We don't have that kind of time!

Colin: Yeah, but if you go the other direction it's right next door!

Ryan: Right!

(starts "running")

Ryan: We're there! Wait, how do we get in?

Colin: Quick, hand me a chocolate bar!

(Ryan does so)

Colin: (start's eating it) How are we gonna get in?

[edit] Irish Drinking Song

[edit] Got pregnant

Wayne: I once went out with a guy

Greg: I took him to the movies

Colin: Things got out of hand

Ryan: It really was quite groovies

Wayne: We went back to my place

Greg: And then it got intense

Colin: Boy we had a lot of fun

Ryan: I had to put up a fence!

Greg: I didn't have what I needed

Colin: Boy we had some fun

Ryan: Boy we did and we made a mistake

Wayne: I was the unlucky one

Greg: When I got home that night

Colin: My ovaries did swell

Ryan: I puffed up like Jiffy Pop

Wayne: I'm a dude! What the hell!?

Colin: I started getting fatter

Ryan: I dilated there

Wayne: I had me baby

Greg: Right in me underwear

Colin: Boy it was painful

Ryan: The head started to crown

Wayne: He turned around and said "Dad!"

Greg: "I'm Colin Mochrie town!"

Ryan: I slapped him on the butt there

Wayne: And then I slapped his head

Greg: And when I slapped his bottom

Colin: I slapped the doctor instead

Ryan: I called my boy Roy

Wayne: He looked good

Greg: And when I got him home that night

Colin: You can get poo from food!

(Wayne, Ryan and Greg all crack up leaving Colin to finish the song)

---

[edit] Breaking up

Wayne: Today I'm breaking up with her

Chip: She's really got to go

Colin: I have a sense of dread

Ryan: I'm dating a guy named Joe

Wayne: Because Joe won't leave me

Chip: And that man won't shave

Colin: But today he's got to go

Ryan: He's the man I crave

Chip: I'll meet him in a diner

Colin: And give him one small drink

Ryan: I'll give him a diamond ring

Wayne: Leave, what do you think?

Chip: Well Joe won't be so sad then

Colin: I figure he'll take it well

Ryan: We'll run away together

Wayne: And then we'll dance so well

Colin: I sat Joe right down

Ryan: He said "I do"

Wayne: I said "I can't love you"

Chip: I'm leaving you

Colin: Please don't be angry

Ryan: And Joe started to cry

Wayne: He cried "Boo-hoo-hoo"

Chip: The tears were in his eye

Ryan: Oh now I'm alone

Wayne: And Joe is long gone

Chip: And so I read my diary

Colin: I'll just sing a song

Ryan: But that's the way I like it

Wayne: I like being alone

Chip: Oh sure sometime I missed him

Colin: Joe had a nice bone

(Before they could end the song, all of them cracked up, Ryan and Chip walked away and Laura plays off key.)

Wayne: (After the music stopped) We're on TV!

Colin: Not what I meant to say!

---

[edit] Passed wind

Wayne: My date, she was in front of me

Chip: As pretty as could be

Colin: She was the love of my life

Ryan: My gas came out, WEE HEE!

Wayne: It started to rumble

Chip: It felt kind of neat

Colin: Boy, it was so horrible

Ryan: I dropped right off my feet

Chip: She said, "What is the matter?

Colin: "Are you feeling fine?"

Ryan: I had to lie to her that day

Wayne: I have things up my behind

Chip: She picked me up so quickly

Colin: And took me out the door

Ryan: That was he big mistake

Wayne: I started walking sore

Colin: She took me to the doctor

Ryan: She took me to the cops

Wayne: She took me to the judges

Chip: Oh, the gas! It wouldn't stop!

Colin: It just kept emitting

Ryan: The paper said it was so

Wayne: It became a nation-wide epidemic

Chip: The wind began to blow

Ryan: And now I'm world famous

Wayne: Everyone knows my name

Chip: They all say, "He's a comin'!"

Colin: My passing gas is my fame

Ryan: I'll move on in history

Wayne: What is a guy to do

Chip: When you are famous like me?

Colin: Oops! I pooed!

---

[edit] Had a lobotomy

Wayne: I had a lobotomy

Jeff: And now I'm not so nuts

Colin: They took away half my brain

Ryan: Now I eat cigarette butts

Wayne: I am not too bright

Jeff: Now I'm kind of sane

Colin: I am really stupid

Ryan: Hey, is that the rain?

Jeff: I used to go down on the streets

Colin: I used to have a scar

Ryan: Now I ask for money

Wayne: And I chase cars. Woof-woof!

Jeff: When I come into your town

Colin: I like to shout a lot

Ryan: I run around and scream a lot

Wayne: Wow! This is hot!

Colin: Oh, I feel much better

Ryan: I think I'll go back home

Wayne: And then after I'm finished

Jeff: I'll marry a lawn gnome.

Colin: Boy, that'll be so beautiful

Ryan: As happy as can be

Wayne: Because I don't care too much, you see

Jeff: For my lobotomy

Ryan: I really need a job now

Wayne: I look in the paper

Jeff: But I can never find nothing

Colin: I have a scraper

Ryan: But I'll keep on looking

Wayne: I'll look until I can see

Jeff: If you want someone who's nuts

Colin: Be a host on TV

---

[edit] Yelled out the wrong name in bed

Wayne: One night I was gettin' freaky

Drew: [stammers] With my lr-girl Elaine

Colin: Boy, we had some fun

Ryan: And then, [babbles loudly]

[Drew and Wayne crack up]

Colin: Meow!!

[Everybody cracks up while the music temoprarily stops and starts again]

Ryan: I've lost track of the story

Wayne: I don't know what has happened

Drew: She wrote me a letter

Colin: My underwear is snappin'

Ryan: I think there was a girl involved

Wayne: That's what I'm thinkin'

Drew: I don't know what to say

Colin: MEOW!!!

[Everybody but Colin cracks up and Colin finishes the song]

---

[edit] Graduation

Wayne: Today I put on my cap

Kathy: And then I had a drink

Colin: I'm going to get my diploma

Ryan: I know how to think

Wayne: I'm going to walk down the aisle

Kathy: My mom and dad will be so proud

Colin: I am so happy

Ryan: There she is, she's loud

Kathy: This day's finally come, my friend

Colin: The gown is long and flowing

Ryan: I'm going to get a good job

Wayne: To DeVry I'm going

Kathy: After work I'll go to school

Colin: I study really hard

Ryan: Then I have some wife and kids

Wayne: And then I'll read the Bard

Colin: Today is my first day

Ryan: And I am so proud

Wayne: I am a good worker

Kathy: And yet, I'm drunk as a dowd

Colin: I work so hard

Ryan: To get to this day

Wayne: I'm glad I graduated

Kathy: And wish I wasn't gay

Ryan: Today I just got laid off

Wayne: Oh, good grac'

Kathy: Graduation's a far memory

Colin: I have to go to a new place

Ryan: I have to find a new job

Wayne: What will I do?

Kathy: I'll get the beer nozzle knob

Colin: There's blood in my stool!

(Then, Wayne and Ryan cracked up while Drew just realized what Colin means)

[After the performance, Drew keeps staring at Colin]

Kathy: What? That totally makes sense to me.

Ryan: Oh god!

Wayne: Improv and a medical report

Ryan: Well, you know it was supposed to rhyme with 'do'

Colin: 'Poo' I guess, but I didn't want to go that route...

[Wayne cracks up]

Colin: Graduating can make you nervous

Kathy: Yeah!

Colin: It can do stuff in your...

Kathy: No, I like when it was real!

Colin: Yeah!

Drew: I'm not giving any points for that one! No way!

Colin: I shouldn't be the last person.

---

[edit] Got mugged

Wayne: I took my lass on a date

Chip: We went out for the night

Colin: As we hit the parking lot

Ryan: I got into a fight

Wayne: Scuffled, he took my wallet

Chip: And ran away so fast

Colin: I started crying

Ryan: (thinks for a second)...A stone I passed

[Everyone cracks up, especially Wayne as he cracks up and all of them have to repeat their chant twice except Wayne]

Chip: I screamed just like a lassie

Colin: I ran right after him

Ryan: I jumped into my car

Wayne: The mugger's name was Tim

Chip: I put upon my siren

Colin: And it roared out loud

Ryan: He came to a stop

Wayne: And beat me in front of a crowd

Colin: I decided to take action

Ryan: I hit him with a club

Wayne: I hit him where the sun don't shine

Chip: He said, "Hey, watch it, Bub!"

Colin: And then he ran away from me

Ryan: I followed him

Wayne: I became a hero

Chip: And my name is Tim

Ryan: I still hear from him

Wayne: From often

Chip: He writes a little letter

Colin: It's as soft as cotton

Ryan: Someday, I'll write back

Wayne: He is my best friend

Chip: And now we both are pen pals

Colin: (quickly, couldn't really finish line) He put my stone back in my end

(Everyone cracked up except Colin. Colin just finished the song while Chip and Wayne (still laughing) tries to finish the in the middle song.)

[Later...as everyone especially Drew who still cracks up]

Chip: 'He put my stone in my end'!

Ryan: (tries to sing in an irish drinking song version) "Put my stone back in my end! Oh..."

Wayne: Now that is a good friend. "Is this yours?" (showing hand pointing to the camera)

Ryan: That was smooth!

Colin: Try doing that, Cole Porter!

---

[edit] Slept with an ugly woman

Wayne: Once when I was celebratin'

Brad: I went to bed

Colin: I had too much to drink

Ryan: Woke up to an ugly head

Wayne: She turned over

Brad: And I saw her face

Colin: I screamed in surprise

Ryan: And I sprayed her with mace

Brad: I jumped 'round right away

Colin: And put on all my clothes

Ryan: And then I ran from the house

Wayne: I hit her, I do suppose

Brad: But she chased right after me

Colin: She got into her car

Ryan: She didn't get there

Wayne: She looked like Jamie Farr

Colin: Although she was so ugly

Ryan: I took her anyway

Wayne: I use her to scare children away

Brad: ...What the hay.

Colin: Boy, it really worked good

Ryan: I remember that day

Wayne: That I took her to the dog park

Brad: [stammers] What the hay!

Ryan: I tried to forget it

Wayne: I tried to drink a lot

Brad: Because she was so ugly

Colin: [stammers and mumbles incoherently] She needed a [babbles] spot

Ryan: Then the day would come again

Wayne: That I'd meet her

Brad: I was so scared

Colin: It looked like someone had beat her

[Wayne and Ryan continue the chorus while Brad cracks up and Colin buries his face in his free hand in shame]

[edit] Press Conference

Category: Colin is Santa Claus announcing his retirement.

Brad: Don't you feel bad that you're going to disappoint everyone?

Colin: Ah, screw 'em!

Brad: Uh, you were quoted as referencing a "ho"? Is this some sort of sex scandal we're not aware of?

Colin: Yes, and I admit, there were three of them.

Wayne: What about all your animal friends?

Colin: Hey! Animal friends are there to be animal friends! If they can't handle being a carpet...(the audience groans)...I may have said too much.

---

Category: Colin is Batman announcing he is coming out of the closet

Wayne: [sneezes]

Colin: Bless you.

Wayne: Thank you.

Colin: And thank you for coming.

Ryan: How did you keep this hidden for so long?

Colin: Well, extra wide pants. I think that's a natural occurrence of that.

Wayne: Do you have an affinity for the rubber and the cowl?

Colin: Well, I think that's a given. Otherwise, would I be doing what I'm doing? I don't think so, no. Rubber! Cowl! Rubber! Cowl!

Ryan: How's the partner feel about this?

Colin: Of course, he is a little worried, because he depends on me for a lot of the income, but uh... I'm not sure, but I may want to rephrase that later.

Brad: You might want to rephrase that now.

Wayne: Will you still continue to slide up and down the pole?

Colin: Well...not as much, because I have bruised my dynamic duo.

---

Category: Colin is Noah announcing he's eaten all the animals on the ark

Wayne: With an attitude like that, why were you the chosen one?

Colin: Because I had the boat.

Wayne: Shouldn't you have packed more provisions so you wouldn't have to take it out on the elephants?

Colin: Let me tell you something about elephants: they ASKED for it.

---

Category: Colin is the first astronaut to make love on the moon.

guest star Kathy Griffin: During the act, how high did you actually get?

Colin: About 5 feet off the ground. Beating my old record by 2 feet!

Wayne: Did the Russians watch?

Colin: Uh, they tried to dock. All I say, the Mir, the merrier!

Wayne: So, what it by the sea of tranquility?

Colin: It was by the mountains of happiness.

Wayne: Exactly how long did you train before you were able to do this?

Colin: You know, I didn't train for as long as people might think. Uh, ten minutes, tops.

Ryan: How many times?

Colin: Well, fifteen. You know, I had a bad cold. Usually, I can go 40-50 times.

[edit] Props

[Ryan and Drew's Prop: Two red disks, each with a pole sticking out]

[Colin and Wayne's Prop: A canoe shell]

(Wayne and Colin have their prop behind them)

Wayne: Two peas in a pod.

(Ryan's stamping his props on the floor, with Drew watching)

Ryan: They'll gonna be looking for this elephant for weeks.

(Wayne's wearing his prop behind him while Colin runs in place)

Wayne (in a slow voice): Alright, Mr. Hare.

(Drew's holding one prop near his cheek, disk side facing the audience)

Drew: Mom, I can't go to the prom with this zit on my face.

(Colin's holding his prop on his back)

Colin: I hate being an ant.

(Ryan and Drew are both holding one prop, pretending to spin them. Ryan sings a fanfare while trying to spin both.)

(Wayne holds his prop in front of him, then moves it while making a squeaking noise)

(Ryan holds both props like a barbell and pretends to lift it while Drew cheers on)

(Colin hold his prop near his pants)

Colin: Well, Eve, I'm flattered, but a fig leaf would have been fine.

(Ryan passes one prop to Drew like an Olympic torch)

(Wayne is in his prop)

Colin: Hurry, John Smith, hurry.

(Ryan is holding one prop in each hand while Drew lays on the floor)

Ryan: Clear. (slaps both props like a defibrulator)

(Wayne holds his prop behind him facing the audience, then turns around)

Wayne: So, Mr. Bond... (buzz)

(Drew holds up both props)

Drew: Hey, look at the new chairs ABC sent us. (Puts them on the floor)

---

[Ryan and Kathy's Prop: A four-fingered hand]

[Colin and Wayne's Prop: A green anchor-looking thing]

(Ryan holds up his prop)

Ryan (chanting): We're number four! We're number four!

(Colin holds up his prop near his nose)

Colin: Got a Kleenex?

(Kathy holds here prop near her chest)

Ryan: Cathy, you're getting away with this implant thing.

(Wayne holds his prop near his left leg and hops on it)

Wayne: Mr. Scrooge? (Colin kicks the prop and Wayne falls)

(Ryan holds up his prop over his head)

Ryan: What do you mean punk's dead?

(Colin tries to hand his prop to Wayne)

Colin: You ordered some green "T"?

(Ryan holds up his prop on the floor while crouching down. Kathy pretends to water a plant while Ryan sprouts)

(Colin holds up his prop on his left arm and laughs like Popeye)

(Ryan holds up his prop again, this time holding back two "fingers", making a peace sign)

Ryan (chanting): No more war! No more war!

(Wayne blows through his prop)

Wayne: Ricola!

(Ryan holds his prop over his face, gobbling like a turkey, while Kathy pretends to chase him)

(Colin holds up his prop over his left shoulder while Wayne is on the left side)

Colin: And it looks like the Hollyweed Freeway is all jammed up...

Wayne: Hollywood!

Colin: Hollywood, yeah, yeah, whatever.

(Ryan is holding his prop and makes it touch Kathy)

Ryan: Hey... Sorry, I'm all hands.

(Colin is rotating his prop again)

Colin: Next time, get a smaller bottle of wine!

(Ryan is squatting and giving signals on his left hand while holding his prop in his right hand)

(Colin is holding his prop around him with Wayne in the back)

Colin: I don't know why two of us have to be on the paper route.

---

[Drew and Ryan's prop: A orange cone on a stick]

[Wayne and Chip's prop: Two blue waves]

(Chip rotates one prop on Wayne's back, making grinding noises. Wayne acts like a robot)

(Drew and Ryan are holding their prop over their heads)

Ryan: If we were thinner, we'd be dry.

(Chip and Wayne hold a prop just below their heads, raising and lowering their heads throughout)

Wayne: Rose! (makes gurgling noises)

Chip: My heart will go on.

(Holding his prop in his right hand, Drew pretends to ride Ryan, who makes galloping noises)

(Wayne holds both props in front of him)

Wayne: Today's show brought to you by the number 8.

(Ryan spins his prop)

Ryan: (holding it up and handing it to Drew) And there's your cotton candy.

(Wayne and Chip are sitting down, their props near their legs)

Chip: I wonder what it's like up there on the land.

(Ryan is pounding his prop on the ground)

Ryan: You must tell the English to leave now... while I make the butter!

(Chip and Wayne are holding one prop over their heads, making ram noises. They collide into each other)

(Drew is holding his prop in his right hand)

Drew: Eh, what's up, doc?

(Wayne is holding both props under his armpits)

Wayne: Oui, I am from France.

[BAD JOKE ALERT] (Drew is handing his prop to Ryan)

Drew: I hope you like this ring. It's one karat. [carrot]

---

[Ryan and Jeff's prop: two silver hooks]

[Colin and Wayne's prop: A pillow with a spring sticking out]

(Jeff is trying to hold both props on the floor)

Jeff: This escalator doesn't go aynwhere.

(Colin holds his prop over his head)

Wayne: (Hillbilly accent) We're gonna have enough moonshine for seven years, pa! (Colin squeals in delight)

(Ryan and Jeff are both holding their props against their chest)

Ryan: No, I'm the Riddler.

(Wayne sits on the floor, making snake charmer music while lift the spring on his prop. Colin watches)

(Jeff holds one prop against each ear and makes an elephant noise)

(Colin holds up his prop)

Colin: Another helping of pig butt?

(Ryan holds one prop against his head)

Ryan: Hey, you're the one who came to a loan shark.

(Wayne holds his prop over his head and makes Jewish-sound music)

(Ryan and Jeff each hold one prop in front of their mouths and imitate a saxophone)

(Colin is holding his prop over his butt)

Wayne: Come here, Curious George.

(Ryan is holding one prop against his mouth while Jeff imitates a fishing reel)

(Colin is holding his prop flatly in front of him)

Colin: We need a smaller computer.

Wayne: Shut up.

(Jeff holds both props in front of him, making a heart, and pretends to sing the "I Love Lucy" theme)

Ryan: (pretending to write in from of Jeff's face) "I Love Lucy".

(Colin holds his prop)

Colin: How did I go bald? Let's show on this model.

(Ryan holds one prop in front of both ears)

Ryan: (British accent) Yes, well someday, I'll be king of England.

---

[Ryan and Wayne's prop: Two stacks of four black-gray donuts]

[Colin and Greg's prop: A pair of yellow shields with a hole cut out]

(Colin and Greg are wearing their props on their heads)

Greg: So did we elect a new pope yet?

Colin: Nope.

(Ryan wears his props over his arms)

Ryan: Danger! Danger, Will Robinson! Danger!

(Colin puts one prop in his mouth)

Greg: (dorky accent) The sabretoothed tiger was one of the most vicious of the prehistoric carnivores.

(Wayne and Ryan sitting down in front of their props, Ryan hits his)

Ryan: (imitates buzzer) What is North Dakota?

(Colin and Greg are wearing their props on their heads again)

Colin: How do we solve a problem like Maria?

(Both of Wayne and Ryan's props are on the floor)

Wayne: Alright, come on, I got ya. Come on! (Ryan lifts the props like a barbell)

(Colin has one prop on his chest)

Colin: It's a little bigger nipple ring than I expected.

(Both of Wayne and Ryan's props are scattered on the floor)

Ryan: I think we better get out of here before we find the aninal who left that.

(Colin lowers his prop over his head)

Colin: Oh no, I'm getting picked.

(Ryan is wearing his props on his feet)

Ryan: Yeah, ever since I saw "Boogie Nights", you know... (buzz)

(Colin gets down on his knees and folds the props in half)

Colin: Snow White! Show White! There's been a landslide!

---

[Drew and Ryan's prop: A corner joint with a funnel]

[Wayne and Brad's prop: Two black disks with springs sticking out at one side]

(Brad has connected his prop so that the spring sides touch each other)

Brad: Something's wrong with this Oreo.

(Drew waves his prop back and forth)

Drew: Man, I haven't found one nickel yet.

(Wayne is holding one of his props against his chest)

Wayne: Bang bang! (groans) You got me.

(Ryan's under his prop)

Ryan: Hey, mister, wanna get lucky?

(Brad holds his prop over his head)

Brad: I will be your rabbi.

[SOMEWHAT BAD JOKE ALERT] (Drew holds his prop touching the floor at a corner)

Drew: Dink. Aw, I broke a nail.

(Brad holds both props in his hands)

Brad: Clear! (hits Wayne with the props)

(Ryan sets his prop on the floor)

Ryan: Well, it doesn't look like much fun for the gerbil.

(Wayne holds one prop over his head)

Wayne: So, I told Latrell if you ever come talking to me... (buzz)

(Drew's under his prop on his knees, hiding both hands behind him)

Ryan: Is there an "R"? (Drew sticks out his right hand)

(Wayne and Brad each have a prop on their butts, they act like monkeys)

(Ryan holds up his prop)

Ryan: It's a blow dart for corners. (pretends to blow into it)

---

[Ryan and Colin's prop: Eight logs linked together]

[Brad and Wayne's prop: Two giant springs]

(Ryan's behind his prop)

Ryan: I am a smoker. How did you know that?

(Brad holds both props against his ears)

Brad: As your rabbi, I want you to come to temple.

(Colin lays his prop on his gut)

Colin: I had to work out to get this stomach.

(Wayne has both props on his feet)

Wayne: Go go gadget feet! (hops up and down)

(Ryan holds his prop against his face again)

Ryan: You're looking kind of down, Tim.

(Brad and Wayne's props are on the floor)

Brad: Man, I'm tired of cleaning the giant's shower drain.

Wayne: Hurry up.

(Colin holds his prop under his stomach)

Colin: You're not Rapunzel!

(Wayne holds one prop against his left ear)

Wayne: I've only got one Jheri curl left from the 80s.

(Ryan wears his prop on his head)

Ryan: (British accent) My judgment is that he shall hang from the gallows.

(Wayne holds one prop on his butt)

Wayne: The wonderful thing aobut Tiggers is Tiggers are wonderful things!

(Ryan holds his prop over his head, holding it with both hands)

Ryan: Get out of my yard! (Lets go of one hand)

(Wayne and Brad hold one prop)

Brad: I fell kind of- (Lets go of one prop)

(Colin and Ryan each hold one end of their prop)

Ryan: Not this time, Indiana Jones! (Lets go of his end)

---

[Ryan and Chip's prop: Two oversized Koosh Balls]

[Wayne and Colin's prop: Two pink circles with a hole in the middle and spikes sticking out of one side]

(Ryan holds his props)

Ryan: Happy 4th of July! (repeatedly holds his props up in the air, making explosion noises Chip goes "Ooh" and "Aah")

(Wayne and Colin have their props over their heads)

Wayne: Hey mon.

Colin: Yeah, mon.

(Chip holds one prop)

Chip: And ended the second World War. (Holds the prop up) See page 139.

(Colin holds one prop against his stomach while Wayne pushes the spikes)

Wayne: Calm down, Bessie.

Colin: Your hands are cold!

Wayne: Shut up!

(Chip and Ryan each hold one prop over their groins)

Ryan: I ain't going to say it.

(Colin holds his props)

Colin: Man, how long have these Lifesavers been in your pocket?

(Chip holds both props over his head)

Chip: (Southern accent) And if you just send in your money, we will send you a lifesize- (cracks up)

(Colin holds one prop on the floor)

Colin: I thought the coliseum was a little bigger than this.

(Ryan holds both props against his ears)

Ryan: Hair in my ears?

Chip: Yes, hair in your ears, yes.

(Colin holds up one prop against his face while shaking it and making a vibrating sound)

(Chip holds both props under his armpits)

Chip: (French accent) Do you like French women?

(Colin holds one prop over Wayne, who's standing on the other prop)

Colin: Transport. (Wayne makes a noise, then runs off)

(Ryan is holding one prop)

Ryan: (handing it to Chip) Alright, and there's your fries. There's your Coke.

---

[Ryan and Kathy's prop: Two trapezoids with triangles sticking out]

[Drew and Wayne's prop: Two pillows with tentacles]

(Ryan and Kathy have their props on their backs)

Ryan: Hey, you wanted to be adventurous.

Kathy: I love it, honey!

(Drew holds a prop over his head)

Drew: Give em your tires, your poor, your huddled masses.

(Ryan has both props on his feet)

Ryan: No, I'm known for my shoes on the show.

(Wayne holds both props)

Wayne: Mommy, why do the kids make fun of my hands?

(Ryan and Kathy have their props under their heads)

Kathy: I cannot believe you came to this party dressed as Bjork, too.

(Drew holds a prop under his stomach)

Drew: No, I think it's crabs.

(Ryan holds a prop above his forehead)

Ryan: Hey, Lisa, you seen Homer?

(Drew has one prop over his stomach. Wayne pokes him, and Drew laughs)

(Ryan and Kathy hold their props up)

Ryan, Kathy: (chanting) We're number 5! We're number 5!

(Drew and Wayne hold their props up as well)

Drew: (chanting) We're number 8! We're number 8!

(Ryan and Kathy have connected their props)

Kathy: That was an easy puzzle. We should get five pieces next time.

(Wayne holds one prop over Drew's head)

Wayne: So I told Shauntel that she needed to dye... (buzz)

[edit] Questions Only

At a singles bar at closing time

Ryan: Have you ever heard of a place called Moose Jaw, Saskatchewan?

Colin: Isn't that right beside Left... Noob?

---

On the last night of an international singles cruise

Wayne: (mimes using a breath freshener)

Whoopi: Could you leave me alone?

Wayne: Ha ha... Is that The Color Purple?

Whoopi: Are you Helen Keller?

Wayne: Are you trying to diss Del Marico de Rique?

Whoopi: Are you pushing it just a little far, mister?

Wayne: Don't you want some of this? (does a little saucy dance)

Whoopi: Didn't I have that and threw it out? Wasn't it just a little on the wee side?

Wayne: ...Yes. (Buzz!)

Colin: Do you want some of this? (dances like a dad at a wedding)

Whoopi: Are you crazy?

Colin: Don't you know there's only another two hours to go?

Whoopi: Would I care if I knew!?

Colin: Can't you make me a man?

Whoopi: Don't you think it's too late?

Colin: Don't you want to feel the pleasure that only one other woman has felt?

Whoopi: Is that the one who died?

Colin: Who's to know eighty-four orgasms can kill you?

Whoopi: Are you telling me... (laughs) ...that you had eighty-four orgasms and this is what I have to look forward to?

Colin: Don't you know it's not the package?

Whoopi: Has someone lied to you?

Colin: What are you saying?

Whoopi: Don't you think if I could I would with you?

Colin: Why are you fighting this?

Whoopi: Do you think I'm fighting?

Colin: Don't you know I can read your eyes? (moves closer to Whoopi until they are pretty much face-to-face)

Whoopi: ... (kisses Colin) (Buzz!)

Ryan: How does it feel to kiss a woman for a change?

[edit] Quick Change

Topic: Brad is giving Ms. Kitty (Colin) a hard time in the saloon, when Sheriff Ryan enters to sort things out.

Brad: I said I wanted a double whiskey.

Colin: I think you've had enough. Look, I'm a very strong woman.

Wayne: Change.

Colin: Look, I'm an orangutan in a dress.

Wayne: Change.

Colin: I could beat you senseless with one finger nail.

Brad: Dance! [mimics gunshots]

Colin: I'm a very strong woman. I don't have to do anything a man says.

Wayne: Change.

Colin: [wipes the bartop, then dances]

Ryan: [comes in with squeaking door sound]

Wayne: Change.

Ryan: [comes in with doorbell sound]

Wayne: Change.

Ryan: [comes in with a foghorn sound]

Colin: Thank God you're here, Marshal! This man has been causing trouble.

Ryan: I think it's about time for you to leave town.

Brad: I'm not going anywhere, cos' you don't scare me.

Wayne: Change.

Brad: Which way is out of town?

Ryan: You passed it on the way in, right pass the Okay Corral.

Brad: Okay. But before I go, I'm gonna shoot you fullah lead.

Wayne: Change.

Brad: Before I go, I'm gonna spank you with my paddle.

Wayne: Change.

Brad: Before I go, I'm gonna ride you like a grease pig! Sooey!

Colin: Hey! This town ain't big enough for the two of us!

Ryan: What are you stopping him for?

Colin: Marshal!

Ryan: Sorry.

Colin: For goodness sake, you're here to uphold the law!

Ryan: You're right, I'm sorry. I got carried away. You see this badge? That means I'm the sheriff.

Wayne: Change.

Ryan: You see this thong?

Wayne: [laughing] Change.

Ryan: You see these sandals? That means someone stole my boots.

Brad: I stoled your boots, and your horse.

Ryan: Alright. Then I guess we have no choice but to take five steps backward and draw our guns.

Wayne: Change.

Ryan: Then I guess we'll have to walk right up there and river dance.

Colin: Be careful! Be careful, Marshal! He's a champion river dancer from out east!

Ryan: [dances faster]

Brad: [dances slower]

Ryan: [hurts his back] ARGH!

Wayne: Change.

Ryan: [hurts his thighs] D'oh!

Wayne: Change.

Ryan: [hurts his butt] Whoa-ow!

Colin: It's alright, stand back. I'm a part-time doctor.

Brad: That's what you get for river dancing in a thong.

[edit] Scenes From a Hat

Drew: Statements that will get 'bleeped' by the censors. (crinkles the paper in delight with a grin on his face)

Greg: [turns to Drew in surprise]: Really?

Drew: Yep.

Wayne: In Español, I am "El Grande Ricardo", but you can call me "Big d**k."

Greg: I'm George Bush and I'm a f***ing idjuhmimite.

Colin: Here p***y!

Drew: [laughing] Bloopers from the first 100 episodes.

Colin: Here p***y!

Wayne: (holds up one of Drew's cards) Hi, welcome to Whose Line, ub...Oh! I'm so stupid!

(Wayne and Greg get up and pretend to make out. Wayne grabs Greg's butt. They notice that they're back from commercial.) Greg: he said...he said...(Wayne starts singing the "Irish Drinking Song." Greg joins in.)

Colin: H! O! R! W! O! R! D! (pretends to make the letters with his arms)

Drew: The munchkins: what they do now.

Wayne: (in a sing-song, high pitched voice) Well.....(sing-song goes away) your fries are ready! (buzz) I'm a short order cook!

Ryan: (looking up) You need a new muffler.

Wayne: (deep voice) In this corner, the president of the lollipop guild! In this corner, Gary Coleman! Fight!

Ryan: ("pulling" himself up) You forgot to award points Mister Carey.

Drew: Ending a long term relationship in song.

Wayne: (sighs) Baby baby, you gots to go, you gots to go/Why why why? Because you's a ho!/Bye-bye, bye-bye, bye-bye!

Greg: (takes his wedding ring off) Oh I'm one lucky little mister/I dont need you, I'm dating your sister!

Colin: You are dead to me/Nothing but scum!/When I look in your eyes/ I get inflammation of the bum!/You make me feel putrid/I hate the way... (gets dragged off the stage by Ryan)

Drew: Strange welcome greetings on signs as you enter into different U.S. states.

Wayne: Come and hang out in Alabama! (makes a U-turn)

Ryan: Welcome to Montana. There's nobody here.

Greg: Welcome to Ohio, watch out for Drew... (Bump!)

Ryan: Welcome to Hawaii, How the heck did you get here by car?

Colin: Welcome to Rhode Island. Thank you for visiting Rhode Island.

Ryan: Utah welcomes you and your wives.

Drew: Bad Choices for Pets

Brad: Here Velociraptor!

(Colin Jumps on him and pretends to eat him)

Ryan: (Whistling) Where's my little tapeworm? (Whistling)

Drew: Rejected themes for restaurants

Wayne: (sings) C'mon in, howdy fella, you can catch samonella. Eat it!

Josie: Hello and welcome to Dead Cats, 109 recipes you can do with your p***y [The cast laughs loudly, Josie with a confused look,]

Drew: I don't know if anyone told you, but in America, we can only get away with it if you pronounce it "p***-ay."

Josie: I'm so sorry.

Ryan: Oh, don't be sorry!

Drew: Nothing wrong with it, baby! I never said there was anything WRONG with it, I'm just telling you, you can't SAY it!

Ryan: [Points to audience] THEY don't like it!

Drew: Unlikely names for superheroes.

Colin: It's me, Run-Away-From-Danger-Man!

Ryan: [Holds his nose up] Did someone call for Captain Pork?

Robin Williams: I'm Parano.....GOD!!! (runs away)

Drew: World's worst subject for an interpretive dance.

Ryan: [Moves his arms in a wave-like manner] Diarrhea: Flows like a river.

Robin Williams: [Crouched down] Impotence is a horrifying thing. [Slowly rises with Wayne's help]

Drew: If entertainers worked funerals.

Wayne: Please, gather around the body. [Makes a pulling motion] It's not there anymore! Huh! Thank you! [Bows]

Robin Williams: Is this the loved one? [Mimes putting jumper cables to the body] All right, start the truck, Johnny! Wow, look at him leap! Isn't that amazing, ladies and gentlemen? With just 6 volts, you can make your relatives dance again!

Colin: [Pretends to shape a balloon] A dog.

Ryan: Well. [Opens a casket, then makes a grabbing motion and holds the body like a ventriloquist doll] Harry and I would like to thank you all for comin' by.

Drew: People you wish would just shut up.

Wayne: People you wish would just shut up.

Drew: And Wayne just blew any chance he had of winning tonight.

Drew: Trying to look cool while doing very uncool things.

[Wayne steps out, and imitates Drew pressing his buzzer.]]

Drew: If sex was taught in the style of Sesame Street.

Wayne: Abierto!

Wayne: Cerrado!

Colin: Now it's time to meet Big Bird!

Kathy: (brings out Colin and Wayne and points to their crotches and her own) (sings) One of these things doesn't belong here...

Ryan: [Brings Colin and makes him bend over. Ryan stands behind his butt] The letter "h"!

Drew: Questions on Jeopardy where the Whose Line cast is the answer

Wayne: I'll take reasons why the letter "h" will haunt me for the years to come

Drew: Things that should never be mentioned on a date

Colin: (with Kathy) Did you know I was a part of the letter "h"?

[edit] World's Worst

[edit] Person to be the leader of the world in a crisis

Drew: Ai-di-dai-di-dai-di-dai! [pulls his hair back, imitating Colin]

Colin: Does this shirt make me look kind of boxy?

Ryan: Everyone in the world has launched their missiles, the world will be gone in about 30 minutes. Good news is I'm lowering taxes.

Drew: [imitating Mr. Rogers] We're having a crisis today, can you say crisis? [proceeds to take his jacket off]

Wayne: Have no fear. My army of Teletubbies will make sure everyone is airlifted to the nearest...

Drew: [imitating Mighty Mouse] Here I come to save the day... La-la-la-la...

Colin: We are so screwed...

Ryan: Don't worry, everything is under control. [proceeds to draw cards] Okay, the king of swords. The king of swords means...

Drew: [imitating Scooby-Doo] Rowh-row, rombs coming.

Colin: We must unite as one. Kumbayah...

Ryan: Hey, I got some good news and I got some bad news. The bad news is, we all will be dead in 30 minutes. The good news is, Michael Bolton is going with us.

Drew: [Imitating Richard Simmons]Now before that bomb hits, you got two extra pounds to lose!

[edit] Priest or Rabbi

Drew: [as Bill Clinton] I heard your confession and let me tell you, I don't think you had sex with that woman.

Ryan: Yes, I understand that you've slept with three women. [whispers to side] He slept with three women!

Greg: [saying ritual like speech while acting sprinkling powder, Looks puzzled ix-nay on the in-say!

Ryan: And that is how Adam and eve were crea-go! Go! [puts finger to ear] Go, go, go!

Drew: [as Jerry Lewis] Just give me the knife and the baby! I'll make a little cut right there and...

Ryan: Tonight, I will perform the sermon as John Wayne. [As John Wayne] In the BEGINNING...

[edit] Next-door neighbour

Ryan: I need to borrow a shovel, and if you hear anything tonight, ignore it!

Ryan: Just got a new stereo system. Hope you like Michael Bolton!

Drew: You know what I do for a living? I'm a Jackhammer tester.

Colin: Yeah, I like to sunbathe naked. Y'know it's uh...[looks down] 3 o' clock?

Ryan: I'm naked and I'm going to point out all the knots in your fence. [shifts from side to side]

Colin: [struggling to get on "fence"] We represent the lollipop guild...

[edit] Thing to say or do on a romantic date

Colin: [holds a lime in each hand] I brought the limes.

Drew: [hands date criminal record] Hi. My parole officer told me to show you my criminal record before we are allowed to go out.

Greg: I know this is only our second date...I LOVE YOU!! BE WITH ME!!

Colin: [reads from a card] You look very beautiful.

Drew: [pulls out wallet and shows picture] Hey! Wanna see a picture of my penis?

Ryan: [does the same] Hey! Wanna see a picture of Drew Carey's penis?

Greg: Let's see you had the Big Mac, that's $2.

Drew: [has his arm around his date's shoulder] Hope you don't mind. I thought we'd just sit here and watch "Gepetto". [turns TV on]

Ryan: [with a hand puppet] We just wanna say we had a great time didn't we? [Puppet]: We sure did. We had a great time.

Greg: Thanks for inviting me up Melanie. I...[spots a Nintendo console] Nintendo?! [picks up console]

Drew: Sorry I'm late. Me and the wife just had a big fight.

[edit] Self-help instructional video

Greg: (takes off his glasses) (imitating Bill Clinton) Hi. I used to be President. Some of you might have trouble meeting the ladies.

Drew: (imitating Richard Simmons) I'm Richard Simmons and I'm gonna show you how to pick up girls! (Drew stumbles as he returns to the World's Worst Step!)

Colin: To clap, raise one hand (doing so), then the other (raises his other hand), keeping them an equie distance apart. Then force them together at a speed that makes this sound: (claps). Repeat. (Claps). Repeat. (Claps)

Greg: Hello, dudes and dudettes, and welcome to How To Deliver a Pizza.

Colin: Welcome to Dogs Have Prostates Too! (puts on some latex gloves)

Ryan: Take the magazine in your left hand. Lower your pants and sit. (Buzz!) Now read. (Buzz!) Once again... (Buzz!)

Greg: How would you like to become an exotic dancer? (Dances)

Colin: (Steps forward) (Buzz!)

Greg: (Sprawls out on the floor) (Slurring) Hello, and welcome to Drinking for Professionals!

Ryan: Hi, I'm Drew Carey. Today, we're going to learn how to walk backwards. Look behind you. Look behind you while you're walking. While you're walking. There's a stair! Lift your foot onto the stair, pushing yourself onto the stair.

Drew: Hi, I'm Ryan Stiles, and welcome to my love-making secrets tape. (pretends to smoke a cigarette) This tape will end in 60 seconds! (Ryan: I wish!)

Colin: Oh those frustrating banana peels. How do you get them off the banana? Hold the banana firmly in one hand. (Buzz!) (Colin is back on straight away...) Oh those frustrating gerbil skins... (Buzz!)

Greg: I'm Bill from the NRA, and it's Gun Safety Week! (shoots himself and falls to the floor)

Ryan: (Looks towards the far section of the audience) Ten more minutes, we can put on a second coat. (looks backwards while returning to his spot recreating an earlier World's Worst idea, Drew walks over and pushes Ryan off the step again!)

Greg: (sniffs and holds his head like he's hungover) Good morning. (Coughs) Welcome to How To Be A Scoutmaster, now... (Buzz!) That's when the buzzer goes!

Drew: Hi Scouts, and welcome to Anyone Can Masturbate! (Note: The last word was bleeped on the ABC Family repeats)

[edit] Foreign Film Dub

Language: Spanish Movie: El Donkey

Colin translates for Jeff

Ryan translates for Drew

(translations only)

Jeff: Hey nice suit.

(rubs suit)

Drew: Thank you very much have you seen my ass?

Jeff: I Have seen the donkey you speak of that wears funny pants.

(Drew talks then makes kissing noises)

Drew: This donkey is my only friend, he and I watch Baywatch together.

(Jeff yells)

Jeff: You mean the part where they run in slow motion!? I love that!

(Drew starts laughing in the middle of his line. He says, (I can't speak spanish))

Drew: I will sell you my-ha ha ha- I will sell you my -ho ho ho- I

Jeff: Excuse me?

Drew: I will sell you my, Oh, i'm not spanish at all.

(Jeff pulls off Drew's "mask". yells really long sentence.)

Jeff: Oh my God, a peruvian mime!

(Drew acts like a mime; pulls rope, and pushes against "wall")

Drew: I have an innie belly-button and I live in a small house.

[edit] Other Unaired Quotes

[edit] Brad Sherwood

[edit] Hoedowns

I was feeling frisky, I went for a drive

I took all my handguns and shot myself alive, I... (cracks up and falls on the floor)

---

I went to an awful restaurant that have to use these towels

And all the food was awful taste like something from your bowels

I have to leave right away as if it really matter

What was I thinking that I order the poo-poo-plater

---

I love public restrooms, I love the way they smell

I like to take a breath, and just say "you're well"

I like to stay here all day, no matter what it takes

when I leave, I always try those tasty urinal cakes

[edit] Other

• Welcome to the 6:00 news, I'm Loose Bowels.
• I didn't know we could say "fucking" all this time!
• [incredulous, after learning an audience member behind Drew has been dozing off] Who gave him a blanket?

[edit] Colin Mochrie

[edit] Hoedown

I went to machine to get some money

And then I noticed there...was something funny

As I came closer and my heart, boy, sure sank

It was an ATM machine for a sperm bank

---

A mosquito came up and he bit bit me

He took all my blood can't you see-how -see!

I had a lot of blood loss-- [faints]

---

My wife gave birth yesterday... (shakes his head, waves his hands while the Wayne and Drew congratualte him about it.)

Well guess what my wife just gave birth the other day

And I really supported her all the way

Time went for hour, oh hours were passing....Oh, GOD!

[edit] Others

Hello, I'm Quite Hung.

[edit] Ryan Stiles

[edit] Hoedown

I don't pay my taxes every single year

I guess it's the IRS I really,really fear

I guess that's mean that they show a lot of class

But everytime they do, they seem to fuck me up the ass!

---

Singing a song about a vending machine

Don't you know that's really not my scene

Try to think of something clever with a twist

If we do another hoewdown, I slit my fucking wrist!

---

When it comes to hoedowns I'm doing another one

After the first one, I thought I was done

Feeling like a fool, feeling such a twit

This is what I have to do to please the fucking brit!

---

I graduated High School today...the fuck!

[edit] Props

• [Holding a large tube tunnel] Look at the size of my dick!
• [Pushing one large tube tunnel on top of another] I don't think we should be watching this.
• [Holding foam shark fin] This is weird fucking looking thing, isn't it?
• [Holding several bars attatched with strings] You see, this way, I can give a whole bunch of people the finger at the same time.

[edit] Other

• [After cracking up during a game of Sound effects set in Alaska] [You] put me in a place where there's absolutly nothing that makes a sound!

• [after a game of Helping Hands, wherein Colin squirted large amounts of mustard in his mouth, sings] I smell like condiments! [Laura Hall starts playing an upbeat Broadway-style vamp on piano] Relish! Mustard! Ketchup and cheese! [music suddenly stops, looks over at Laura Hall on piano] "Oh, sure, I can rhyme now, but not in 'Hoedown'!"

• [after a Hoedown about puberty]

It's hard to do puberty without talking about jerking off. "I like to grab my penis, I pull it all the time."

• [performing "90 Second Alphabet," beginning with "F"]

Fuck me! Fuck me hard!

• [performing "Film, Theater, and Television Styles," Drew has instructed Ryan and Colin to "start like [they're] normal."]

Start like we're normal. It's gonna be tough.

[edit] Drew Carey

[edit] Hoedown

I remember the day I lost my viginity

I took my woman and we drove to the city

Let me tell you brother she no like no other

Boy I was embarrased that it was my mother

---

I had an inter- Oh, shit!

[edit] Other

• [Clapping his hands, singing] Bullshit. Bullshit.
• [After Ryan finished a song saying he would slit his "fucking" wrist if he did another Hoedown] Five hundred points for Ryan for giving the censors something to think about. Nobody...nobody's funnier when they're pissed off than Ryan Stiles.
• [When the director wants to do the hoedown again] Yeah! More! More! More! More! More! More! Hey and the bonus is that we'll see Ryan slit his fucking wrist. (Then he sings) Slit his fucking wrrrriiist! Yeah!
• I have to give Ryan minus points for not knowing the word orbit. (Ryan spits water all over his lap) Orbit's the name of the word. (Ryan does multiple things that involves his crotch) Hundred points. Two-hundred points. Five-hundred points. Thousand points! Five-thousand points! Ten Thousand points! (Crying) I have no more points to give.
• Now we go onto a game called "Fuck me silly." (Colin and Ryan both get up while the director says "Do it over again", laughing)
• Let's go on to a game called "Film Dub", shall we? It's a game called, uh...Film Dub. Okay?
• This how the game works ... it's not even a game. This is how the show works.
• The next game is called... Medieval Gynecologist. (Colin pretends to put on latex gloves, while Ryan pretends to put on a helmet and lift the visor) That would be so great if we could put that on the air.

[edit] Wayne Brady

[edit] Hoedowns

I consider myself quite a fugal frella. But sometimes(Brad cracks up, followed by Colin and Ryan) Shut up! Keep on going!

[edit] Props

• [Holding a grey flat cone/puts it at crotch level] Ever since I saw Boogie Nights...

[edit] Greg Proops

[edit] Props

• [Wayne is holding a water tube at his crotch] Well, Mr. Brady, I warned you about viagra side effects.

[edit] Hoedowns

I am an advertiser and I'm a groovy guy

I sit at home just thinking the stuffs you could buy

Lots of stuff that you don't need and that'll make....(sotto voce) Fuck me...in the ass...

---

Oh I am a valet parker and this is my valet vest,

What you need a car and I treated it the best,

I'll drive a thousand miles and I'll drive around the block

And you'll be-- god!! Mother fucking shit.

---

(in a pre-pubescent voice)When I was a young boy, I thought I'd never change

And as I got older, I started feeling strange

One day I was standing, and then I saw a girl

And when I saw her booty it...(voice cracks, becomes more deep) totally rocked my world.

---

I have had a transplant, it did not- Oh...shit.

[edit] Others

• [ When an audience member plays a fool around in 'Dead Bodies' game] SECURITY!!
• [After the director dissaproved Greg as 'Cross-dressing man'] You know we have a lot of transvetites viewers and the wouldn't think that's not so funny
• [When Drews hears a loud knock on the floor during Greatest Hits] You don't want dead people calling in!
• [After forgiving Drew for an earlier statement and sharing an intimate hug] I had Drew's ass... and now I want more!
• [During "Hats", wearing a gray hat resembling a bald head] Well, I'm a Klingon by trade. [poor audience response] And when I'm not funny I sit here with this fucking thing on my head.

[edit] Multiple cast members

Drew: Er the first game's gonna be a game called "Let's make a date". This is for all of you, er Ryan, Colin and Wayne are gonna be contestants on a dating type show, hoping to be picked by Greg. I don't know why that would ever happen in real life, but that's what it says on the card. Err, each of them has been given a strange characteristic or identity that's written on the cards if you're all ready Greg, off you go.

Greg: Yes, but what is the point, Drew? Since no one would ever pick me? (the audience goes 'awwww', feeling sorry for him)

Ryan: Well, you hurt his feelings.

Wayne: That's nice, Drew. (Drew scoffs)

Ryan: Let's go--

Greg: Hey fuck you, Drew! (Wayne tries to comfort him but he gets up and tries to attack Drew while Ryan and Wayne tries to stop him)

Drew: (as the director clears out the stage) Comeo n, I was just messing around, having some fun. It was a joke.

Greg: Well words hurt, Drew.

Drew: I'm really, really sorry. (Audience goes "awwww")

Ryan: Don't you think a hug is in store?

(The audience cheers as Greg and Drew embrace, then laugh as they start groping one another. They quickly find their seats again.)

Greg: I've had Drew's ass, and now I want more.

---

Director: A bit slower and a bit more up.

Drew: Slower and more up.

Director: Yeah.

Drew:Slower and more up. If I had a nickel for every time I heard that. Slower and more up.

---

Ryan: Tarzan think you no love him anymore. Must get back to roots.

Colin: What do you mean?

Ryan: Before you come, Tarzan only have animals.(Audience makes "Ugh" sounds followed by Wayne's laughter) Animals think Tarzan forget about him now. (Beginning to realize)I mean as friends!

Colin: I know! I know!

---

(In 90-Second Alphabet)

(Ryan had been complaining about having to pee earlier)

Drew: Garson, Garson! There's something wrong...

Ryan: Your waiter's in the bathroom, I'll go get him (leaves the area)

---

(after Greg messed up a hoedown)

Drew: We have a lot dead people complaining about your language, so...

Greg: Some dead narcoleptic cross-dressing circus freaks!

---

[the end of a 90-Second Alphabet]

Drew: "Zigfried" and Roy said this was a good place to eat.

Ryan: Absolutely! They've all had dinner here.

Drew: Bozo the Clown said they have the best deserts here.

Ryan: Clowns?! We never serve clowns!

Drew: Don't you deny it!

Ryan: Good gracious, sir! [the audience, along with Colin and Wayne, start to laugh] I've tried to make your meal... [realizes his mistake just as the buzzer sounds] Oh, shit! [falls to the floor]

---

(In song styles, Brad sings to one of the female audience as Bruce Springsteen)

Brad: Well I can't stop staring at your breast...( The female audience cracked up while Brad, covering his mouth, realizing his mistake)

(While the female audience leave the area, Brad tries to apologize)

Ryan: Goodnight everyone!

Drew: Nice going, Brad!

Colin: This just in, 'Brad is still single!'

---

(Denny doing an unknown hoedown)

Well I miss the 60's, I quite miss a lot

I sit around and listen the music and it was really hot

Well I do a lot of Yardwork that was come to pass

Cause it's a cheap way to get my hands on grass!!

(Just as it was Colin's turn, the director stops the game)

Colin: (Mouths) Thank You!

Denny: Thank you! (while tapping on her shoulder) Thank you very much!

Ryan: (Imitating Denny's move)While I was shooting 'H'

Drew: (Trying to sing like a hoedown) Because I love cocaine...I do lots of yarkwork because I love cocaine.

---

(Weird Newscasters)Brad: Good evening, I'm Jessabelle Spankbottom, and welcome to the 8 o'clock news.

Ryan: (interrupting)And I shall make a British asshole appear.

(Dan Patterson, who just came out to stop Brad was surprised that he got hit by Ryan's joke)

[edit] External links