Withnail and I

Withnail and I is a 1986 film comedy written and directed by Bruce Robinson and starring Richard E. Grant (Withnail), Paul McGann (Marwood, the "I" of the title), Richard Griffiths (Uncle Monty) and Ralph Brown (Danny). The movie, which takes place in England in late 1969, involves the misadventures of a pair of chronically unemployed actors.

Withnail

• We've gone on holiday by mistake.
• How can it be so cold in here? It's like Greenland in here. We've got to get some booze. It's the only solution to this intense cold. Something's got to be done. We can't go on like this. I'm a trained actor reduced to the status of a bum. I mean look at us! Nothing that reasonable members of society demand as their rights! No fridges, no televisions, no phones. Much more of this and I'm going to apply for meals on wheels.
• We want the finest wines available to humanity, we want them here and we want them now!
• Listen, we're bona fide, we're not from London.
• I'll not have this shag sack insulting me! let him get his drugs out.
• Monty, you terrible cunt!
• I assure I'm not [drunk], officer, honestly, I've only had a few ales.
• Black puddings are no good for me! I want something's flesh!
• Nonsense, this is a far superior drink to meths! The wankers don't drink it because they can't afford it!
• There must and shall be aspirin, or I will die, here, on this fucking mountainside!
• These are the sort of windows faces look in at!
• I'm in a park and I'm practically dead; what good's the countryside gonna do?
• Right here's the plan; we go in there, and get wecked. We eat a pork pie, then lay down a couple of sevens and fiftys. It means we'll miss out on Monday buy come out smiling Tuesday morning.
• Free to those who can afford it, very expensive to those who can't.
• Scrubbers! Scrubbers! Little tarts, they love it!
• Look at this; accident blackspot? These aren't accidents, they're throwing themselves into the road! Throwing themselves into the road gladly to escape all this hideossness. [heckles pedestrian] Throw yourself into the road, darling, you haven't got a chance!
• I feel like a pig shat in my head.

Marwood

• Even a stopped clock tells the right time twice a day, and for once I'm inclined to believe Withnail is right. We are indeed drifting into the arena of the unwell. Making enemies of our own futures.
• "I fuck arses"? Who fucks arses? Maybe he fucks arses! Maybe he's written this in some moment of drunken sincerity! I'm in considerable danger here, I must get out of here at once.
• [contemplating how to kill a chicken for supper] It's got dreadful beady eyes, they stare at you. Best kill it quick before it tries to make friends with us.
• We're not from London, you know.
• Stop saying that, Withnail, of course he's the fucking farmer!
• We are not drunks, we are multi-millionaires!
• You're full of scotch, you silly tool!
• Why did you drug their onions! Give me a downer, Danny, I'm getting the fear!
• My thumbs have gone weird!

Uncle Monty

• Get that damned little swine out of here! It's trying to get itself in with you. Trying for even more advantage. It's obsessed with its gut. It's like a bloody rugby ball now, it will die, it will die!
• Oh! you little traitors. I think the carrot infinitely more fascinating than the geranium. The carrot has mystery. Flowers are essentially tarts. Prostitutes for the bees. There is a certain je ne sais quoi - oh, so very special - about a firm, young carrot...
• I mean to have you, even if it must be burglary!
• It is one of the most shattering experiences in a young man's life when he awakes, and quite reasonably says to himself: I shall never play the dane.
• Oh my boys, my boys! We live in a land of weather forecasts and breakfasts that set it, shat on by Tories, shovelled up by Labour, and here we are, we three; perhaps the last island of beauty... in the world
• Here hare here... ...here hare here!
• Sherry? oh no, we'd be sucked into his trap! He's so mauve, we don't know what he's planning!
• I sometimes wonder where Norman is now. Probably wintering with his mother in Guildford. A cat, rain, vim under the sink, and both bars on. But old now, old. There can be no true beauty without decay.
• I've been preparing myself to forgive you. I think it's time to release you from the légume, and transfer your talents to the meat.
• I can never touch raw meat until it's cooked. As a youth, I used to weep in butcher's shops!

Danny

• I don't advise a haircut, man. All hairdressers are in the employment of the government. Hair are your aerials. They pick up signals from the cosmos and transmit them directly into the brain. This is the reason bald-headed men are uptight.
• If you're hanging on to a rising balloon, you're presented with a difficult decision — let go before it's too late or hang on and keep getting higher, posing the question: how long can you keep a grip on the rope? They're selling hippie wigs in Woolworth's, man. The greatest decade in the history of mankind is over. And as Presuming Ed here has so consistently pointed out, we have failed to paint it black.

Jake The Poacher

• I been watching you, 'specially you, prancing like a tit. You need working on, boy!

Dialogue

Withnail: [reading from the paper] "In a world exclusive interview, 33-year-old shotputter Geoff Woade, who weighs 317 pounds, admitted taking massive doses of anabolic steroids, drugs banned in sport. 'He used to get in bad tempers and act up,' said his wife. 'He used to pick on me. But now he's stopped, he's much better in our sex life and in our general life.'" Jesus Christ, this huge, thatched head with its earlobes and cannonball is now considered sane. "Geoff Woade is feeling better and is now prepared to step back into society and start tossing his orb about." Look at him. Look at Geoff Woade. His head must weigh fifty pounds on its own. Imagine the size of his balls. Imagine getting into a fight with the fucker!

Marwood: Please, I don't feel good.

Withnail: That's what you'd say, but that wouldn't wash with Geoff. No, he'd like a bit of pleading. Add spice to it. In fact, he'd probably tell you what he was going to do before he did it. "I'm going to pull your head off." "Oh no, please, don't pull my head off." "I'm going to pull your head off, because I don't like your head."

---

Withnail: You've had an audition. Why can't I have an audition? It's ridiculous. I've been to drama school. I'm good-looking. I tell you, I've a fuck sight more talent than half the rubbish that gets on television. Why can't I get on television?

Marwood: Well, I don't know. It'll happen.

Withnail: Will it? That's what you say. The only programme I'm likely to get on is the fucking news.

---

Withnail: Where is he? I'm utterly arseholed.

Marwood: We're early. We want to get in there, don't we? Eat some cake. Soak up the booze.

---

Marwood: What about what's-his-name?

Withnail: What about him?

Marwood: Why don't you give him a call?

Withnail: What for?

Marwood: To ask him about his house.

Withnail: You want me to call what's-his-name and ask him about his house?

Marwood: Why not?

Withnail: All right. What's his number?

Marwood: I've no idea, I've never met him.

Withnail: Well neither have I. What the fuck are you talking about?

---

Danny: Has he just been busted?

Marwood: No.

Danny: Then why's he wearing that old suit?

Withnail: Old suit?! This suit was cut by Hawke's of Savile Row! Just because the best tailoring you've ever seen is above your fucking appendix doesn't mean anything!

Danny: Don't get uptight with me, man. Because if you do, I'll have to give you a dose of medicine. And if I spike you, you'll know you've been spoken to.

Withnail: I could take double anything you could!

Danny: Very foolish words, man.

Marwood: He's right, Withnail, look at him, he's had more drugs than you've had hot dinners!

Withnail:I'll not have this shag sack insulting me! let him get his drugs out!

Danny: If I medicined you, you'd think a brain tumour was a birthday present! This doll is extremely dangerous; it has voodoo qualities. [takes pill out of doll] Trade: Pheno-dihydrochloride-benzorex. Street: The Embalmer!

Withnail: Balls, I'll swallow it and run a mile!

Danny: Cool your boots, man, this pill's valued at two quid.

Withnail: Two quid? you must be out of your mind! You can shove it up your arse for nothing and fuck off while you're doing it!

---

Withnail: You've got soup. Why don't I get any soup?

Marwood: Coffee.

Withnail: Why don't you drink out of a cup like any other human being?

Marwood: Why don't you wash up occasionally like any other human being?

Withnail: How dare you! how dare you call me inhumane!

Marwood: I didn't, Withnail, you merely imagined it.

Withnail: Right you fucker, I'm going to do the washing up!

Marwood: No you can't, listen to me, listen to me! There are are things in there; there's a teabag growing!

Withnail: What do you mean, a rat?

Marwood: It's possible, it's possible.

Withnail: Then the fucker will rue the day!

---

Withnail: You mean we've come out here in the middle of fucking nowhere without aspirins?

Marwood: Where are we?

Withnail: How should I know where we are? I feel like a pig shat in my head!

Taglines

• You are invited to spend an hilarious weekend in the English countryside.
• If you don't remember the sixties, don't worry — neither did they.

External links

• Withnail and I quotes at the Internet Movie Database