Wizards of Waverly Place

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Wizards of Waverly Place is a Disney Channel Original Series which made its debut in October 12, 2007. The show is about three teenagers that are actually wizards in training with Selena Gomez as Alex Russo, David Henrie as Justin Russo and Jake T. Austin as Max Russo.

Contents

Season 1[edit]

Crazy Ten Minute Sale (2007) #1.01[edit]

Justin: Edgebonoutoosis! [He clones the rabbit]
Jerry: Good! Thank you Justin! That is how you execute the duplication spell properly. Real rabbit, duplica... duplicate rabbit real rab.. It's... ANYWAYS, there's two now!
Max: What's the big deal? They're rabbits. Wait 5 minutes and they'll duplicate by themselves.

Gigi: Bonjour Alex. Bonjour Alex's friend.
Harper: Nice shoes!
[Alex gives Harper a look]
Harper: I mean.. Pfft! I don't care about you or your shoes!
Gigi: Yeah. I've had these shoes for about a week. Oh, I mean I'd give them to you, but I'm already donating them to :another charity.
Alex: No! You should keep them. They go well with your eyebrow.
Gigi: Well, at least I don't have man-hands. How do you get those meat-stubs through your sleeves?
Harper: And what happened to you two? Pick your noses so hard they fell off?
Gigi: They got nose jobs.
Gigi's Copycat Crew: When they heal, they'll look exactly like Gigi's!
Alex: Oh. Maybe we're all monkeys!

Alex: So what you are saying is that getting back at Gigi was really hurting myself?
Jerry: No, but I like that better.
Alex: Well, since I figured that one out, I should pick my own punishment?
Jerry: No. Why don't you take my punishment, and duplicate it? You're grounded for 1 week.
Alex: Does that mean 2 weeks?!
Jerry: Oh, now it's four. I love this game!

First Kiss (2007) #1.02[edit]

Alex: You know a lot of stuff about stuff people don't care about, which is great. But I know relationships. I know how girls think!
Justin: So do I! They're right brained dominant and they have a slightly larger hyper-tholimus!
Alex: There you go again, knowing stuff people don't care about.

Justin: You may find this hard to believe, but...I've never kissed a girl before.
Alex: [smugly] I find it hard to believe that you think I'd find that hard to believe.
Alex: I just proved that not only do I know girls, but I also know guys.
Justin: No, you got Matt to ask out my girlfriend!
Alex: Oh.

Justin: So Alex, what was your first kiss like?
Alex: You know, it was in this place...with this guy...and it was very romantic. Over Christmas Vacation.
Max: We went to Grandma's over Christmas Vacation.
Justin: Wait a minute! You haven't kissed a guy yet! [smugly] I so have this over you now!
Alex: No you don't!
Justin: I know so when I go to school tommorow and tell everyone you've never kissed anyone, no one'll care.

Alex: Hey Justin!
'[Justin looks over at Alex. Alex grabs a random boy and kisses him.]
Alex: Now you've got nothing over me!

I Almost Drowned in a Chocolate Fountain (2007) #1.03[edit]

Justin: I'm gonna get even!
Alex: Hah-yeah. Okay. That'll never happen. Remember the time you wanted to get "even with me"? I got the bigger bedroom and you got what?
Justin: [he says embarrased] Shot-gun on that one trip to the outlet mall..
Alex: Exactly, some things never change!

Alex: Oh! Some chocolate! Oh wait, that's not a straw!
Max: We didn't play paintball!

[Theresa opens the curtains and the windows are covered with bright colored splotches]

Justin: ...What are pigeons eating now a'days?

New Employee (2007) #1.04[edit]

Gurt Barn Lady: [takes picture of Harper] [monotone voice] I know you've only been working here four hours, but congratulations. You're Employee of the Month. I almost won it 4 times, but I lost cause I take too many breaks. That reminds me. It's time for my break.

Alex and Harper: [Singing the Funky Hat Song] What's that? A hat? Crazy, funky, junky hat! Overslept? Hair unsightly? Trying to look like Keira Knightley? We've been there, we've done that! We see right through your funky hat!

Frankie: AAAHH! He's after me!!!

Disenchanted Evening (2007) #1.05[edit]

Justin: You don't know our dad. He'll throw a tantrum. And you'll know because it sounds like this. Wadigibadee hobadee ha! HA! ALEX!"

Jerry: Ooh! A catwalk! [Walks on it like a model]

Max: Not to mention she left me on Mars.

T.J.: I'll show you a lair!
Max: [To Alex] Wow, you weren't kidding He really does do that.

Jerry: You are in SO MUCH trouble, young lady!
Alex: ...I know. (she hugs him, and he points his finger up speechlessly)

Alex: That's not magic.
Justin: How do you know I didn't forget my locker combination and then used magic to remember it?
Alex: Because you made up a locker combination song.
Alex (with Justin joining in): Right to clear it come on let's hear it! 23, left 8 digits, but don't fidget, 31. Now for the last, don't go too fast! 6 and you're off to class! WHOO!

Justin: Mom and Dad are charmed? WHAT?! HOW?! WHEN?! WHO?!
Alex: Mom and Dad.
Justin: WHAT?! HOW?! WHEN?!
Alex: At Dinner.
Justin: WHAT?! HOW?!
Alex: It was in the Kugle
Justin: WHAT?!
Alex: Justin, I think you know what!

You Can't Always Get What You Carpet (2007) #1.06[edit]

Alex: Dad got all tensed and frustrated like how he acts when he's around you and your dolls.
Justin: [is scrubbing the teeth on his pig] Action-figures. Collectibles. In their original packaging.

Alex's Choice (2007) #1.07[edit]

Alex: No I got a D on the test. I'm pretty sure I'm right.

Alex: What happened to your faces? Applied your makeup with a hammer?
Gigi: (laughs with her friends)

Harper: You didn't come for the tea. You came to protect me.
Alex: I'll always be there to protect you.

Alex: (finding a truth spell) Truth spell. Truth spell. (reads and casts a spell) Some are evil, some are kind, now all must speak their mind.

Alex: Oh, this is going better than I thought. Hey everybody! I'm a wizard!
Everyone':huh alex:just kidding

Curb Your Dragon (2007) #1.08[edit]

Justin: C'mon guys, hurry! We've got to go check on Dragon!
Max: Why? If anyone messes with him, he'll just breathe fire.
Alex: (Annoyed) That's what we're worried about.
Max: What? I thought we just didn't want him to take leaks in the house.
Justin: C'mon, Dragon, let's go up to my room.
Theresa: Wait, Justin.
Alex: What's going on?
Theresa: Those flyers you put up worked. Dragon's rightful owner came and picked him up.
Alex: His owner?
Theresa: I'm sorry, honey.

Frankie: You lost your found dog? Why don't you rest your head on Frankie's shoulder and tell him ALL about it?
Alex: I would, but I don't have time for you to get a ladder.

Frankie: The guy came out with the dog and bought this. A program for the Hudson Dog Show.
Alex: The Hudson Dog Show? When is it?
Frankie: Why dontcha buy a copy and find out?
Alex: I have to buy it?
Frankie: Would I come into your restaurant, lick a sandwich and leave? ZINGER! That'll be $8.00 please.
Alex: Ugh, okay.... ( reads the program) IT'S TODAY! I'd like to return this for a refund. ( takes money back) ZINGERR!

Movies (2007) #1.09[edit]

Theresa: Oh Maxy, promise you'll never grow up and leave me!
Max: But I'm supposed to be taking out the trash.
Theresa: Oh, no. Your daddy will take out the trash.

[Jerry gives her the WHAT look, and she gives him the DO IT look]

Max: Thank you, daddy.
Jerry: Save it.

Jerry: Alex, lets give it a try. Now, lets say you havent eaten for days and You're in desperate need for a sandwich. What do you do?
Alex: I walk over to the sandwich shop and have Mom make me a sandwich.
Jerry: Okay, yes, but Mom's not here.
Justin: Wheres Mom?
Jerry: It's not important where she is, umm, she's gone, she left the country.
Justin: She left the country? Why, is she ok?
Jerry: Yes, she's fine.
Alex: Well if she's fine, I don't see why she can't make me a sandwich.

Jerry: Here, I've already written one down for you, just read that and concentrate.
Max: Satisfy my empty belly, make me a peanut butter and jelly. [Max turns into a PBJ sandwich]
Jerry: You see what I just did there? I just illustrated the dangers of "Spell Improv". '[Justin is about to eat Max] Ha-di-di-da! You have to use your words very carefully because in the Wizard World they take you literally. So, when Max said "Make me a peanut butter and jelly," they made him a peanut butter and jelly. [Justin begins to open Max and throws him back onto the couch] Yhoy!
Alex: Oh, I get it! Let me try it. Although I love such tasty snacks, I'd rather have my brother Max. [Max turns back into a human]
Justin: Hello!
Max: [To Justin] Hey, thanks for not eating me.
Jerry: Alex, you're a natural.
Alex: Thanks, that wasn't even true!

Justin: I'm sensing you have a devious and poorly thought out plan to get into this Ruby Donahue movie. I'm gonna ask you to leave me out of it.
Alex: Gladly. [As they walk away from each other, Alex gets in an isolated space.] I'm old enough to hang with actress model spokeswoman Ruby Donahue, so get me into Night of the Halloween Sorority Party Disaster 2. [Alex is zapped away and is in an unvacant room with lots of pajama-clad teenagers]

Alex: Is that Ruby Donahue over there?
Party Member: No, silly! That's Bambi, the sensitive one! Just stay in character and scream when it's your turn.
Alex: [Alex, confused, walks towards the screen and finds out she is in the actual Night of the Halloween Sorority Party Disaster 2 film] Oh, my goodness, I'm in the movie.
Party Member: And just in time, too! We're about to have a super fun Halloween pillow fight in our pajamas!
Alex: Maybe you're a little old to be in a sorority?
Party Member: Aren't you a little young?
Alex: Fair enough. [grabs a pillow and begins smashing it over the guest while everybody does the same. Suddenly a phone rings, causing everybody to stop in fear] What's the matter? S'just a phone...why did the music get all scary?
Justin: [plays arcade games and stops upon seeing his friends] Why are you guys out of the movie? It's not even over yet!
Friend #1: Justin, that movie is WAY too scary! There's somethings in life you cannot unsee!
Justin: Where's Alex? She said she'd catch up with you guys.
Friend #2: She never did. But weirdly enough, there's an actress in the movie that looked just like her.
Justin: Really?
Friend #2: Yeah, and she even sounded kinda like her, and she was wearing the exact same outfit as her. Weird, right?
Justin: [now understanding that Alex did a spell on herself to get in the movie, he begins making sarcastic answers] Yeah, that's weird. What'd you get on that deductive reasoning test?
Friend #2: 99%, why?
'Justin: Now thats even weirder. Would you guys excuse me for a moment? [runs to the same isolated space Alex was in] Alex Russo has messed up and put herself in a movie. Put me also in that movie. [fails to get zapped] That didn't even sound like a spell. OK, what rhymes with "movie"? Boovy, juvy, loovy, PLANT! [realizes that "movie" and "plant" don't rhyme] Plant...this is going to take a while. [leans against the wall, looking for a spell that will work]

Alex: Hey, you're Ruby Donahue!
Ruby: Who are you?
Alex: Alex.
Ruby: Are you the evil sorority sister who's come back from the grave to punish us for our cute but reckless destruction of perfectly good pillows?!?!
Alex: What? No! I'm just a kid, I don't even know what I'm doing in this movie.
Ruby: Me neither. This was all my agent's idea!
Alex: Oooh, there's that music again! Where's it coming from?
Ruby: This is the part where I run screaming into the showers for no reason at all.
Alex: Well, it was nice meetin' ya.
Ruby: You too!

Justin: [finally getting inside the movie] ...in a groovy movie! Well, the 1970s would've worked.

Theresa: [after seeing two movie clerks talking about two new characters in Night of the Halloween Sorority Party Disaster 2] Miss, two tickets for that, uh, disaster...party--bingo!--Halloween thing, yeah.

Potion Commotion (2008) #1.11[edit]

Jerry: Ok Max, now that your full powers are here. its time for the hat.
Alex: Oh not the hat!
Max: What hat?
Alex: Dad that hats so ugly!
Max: What hat?!?!
Theresa: I cant believe my mijito is ready for the hat!
Max: Somebody tell me about the hat already!

Justin's Little Sister (2008) #1.12[edit]

Justin: Oh, so its like giving a burgler your money so it doen't steal it!

Max: I know a Jeannie. Jeannie Kowalski. Jeannie's dont like it when you flick them in the ear. Thats lesson number one.
Jerry: No, lesson number one is leave that girl alone. Shes bigger than you.

Alex: I fell asleep on table 5 one night, its pretty comfortable.

Justin: What did you do!?

Alex: Max, how would you get a genie to come back to her lamp?
Max: I know, orange soda.
Alex: What?
Max: If someone poured orange soda in my room i'd be really mad.
Theresa: You spilled orange soda in your room again didn't you? What did we say about taking it up there?
Max: See shes really mad and going to my room.

Alex: Please believe me. You have to believe me. You can't let him be invisible forever; I grew up with him. You know he may dorky, and annoying, but he's fun, and gullible to pull pranks. He's my brother I need him back.

Wizard School, Part 1 (2008) #1.13[edit]

Alex:(sees Justin in wizard's clothing) You know, you remind me of someone…Terry something? Umm…Barry something? Larry something? Oh, never mind.

Jerry:WOULD IT HURT TO GET US A LITTLE TURKEY JERKY?!?

Jerry:(Alex admits she used the portal key, stammering) AHH! THE...PORTAL...G...G...[SCREAMS]

Theresa:Okay, and on the way we can pick up your new wizard's robes!
Justin:Oh, no, Mom. They do just black bathrobes now. Wizard's robes are too formal for these casual times.

Door: [SINGSONGING] DUN-DUN-DUN...

Wizard School, Part 2 (2008) #1.14[edit]

Justin: I'll see you in the finals, jerk.

Hugh Normous: [during 12 ball semi-finals] He did it! He hit the tattler!

Jerko Phoenix: Looks like it's just you, me and destiny.

Jerry: Oh, I love porcini mushrooms.

Salad Girl: That's what the hot dog guy in Washington Square Park said.

Max: Get your Bronxstrami. Central Park sandwich. Right here at the Sub station!
Jerry: Hey, it's working.
Salad Girl: Salads make you perky. Sandwiches make you sleepy.
Max: Salads are un-American!!

Dr Evilini: Did my messenger fish just tell you my evil plan?
Alex: No.
Messenger Fish: All right, this time pay attention, 'Dear Mamma, you'd be proud to know that after the twelve ball tournament reveals the best young wizard I will drain [Alex puts hand over the messenger fish's mouth]
Alex: Ok, maybe he did tell me.

The Supernatural (2008) #1.15[edit]

Alex: Oh, come on, she isn't that cute!
Justin: Yes, she is!
Alex: No, she isn't!
Justin: Uh huh.

Alex in the Middle (2008) #1.16[edit]

Alex: Wow. Dad is mad inside and out.

Kelbo: Okay, let's talk about it. (disappears with the kids)

Report Card (2008) #1.17[edit]

Jerry: Very good, Justin. Alex, you're up.
Alex: Oh, okay. This guinea pig is now not, a dove with wings shall fill its slot. [a brick appears] Oh! It's a pretty dove!
Jerry: No. Oh! It's a pretty brick. You weren't concentrating. Max, you're up.
Max: This guinea pig is now not, a dove with wings shall fill with snot. [dove sneezes] I said snot, didn't I?

[The Russo siblings are taking a spell exam and Justin got an answer on one question]

Justin: Got it.
Alex: Does he have to say, "Got it" after every question? It's throwing me off on my exam.
Max: [surprised] We're taking an exam?

[Prof. Crumbs has arrived at the Russo household to collect the Russo siblings' exams and grade them]

Max: Why doesn't Dad just grade our papers?
Professor Crumbs: So that no one will get better grades just by batting their eyes and trying to look cute.
Alex : [batting her eyes and looking cute] Are you talking about me?
Justin: [mocking Alex's expression] Alex, you're doing it right now.

[Alex's parents have just seen her report card]

Jerry: Hey, what's that?
Alex: [hastily] Uh...

[takes out her wand]

Alex: These parents are now not...
Jerry: What're you doing?
Alex: ...two guinea pigs should fill their slot.

[Jerry and Theresa are turned into guinea pigs. Alex is shocked]

Alex: What did I just do? I panicked! I needed to buy myself more time.
Report Card: To do what?
Alex: To panic!

Justin: I don't know why you guys even bothered taking that test. We all know that I'm the one that's gonna win the family wizard contest and keep my powers.
Jerry: That's not for a long while, Justin.
Alex: And what if they change the rules so only girls keep their powers? Oh, wait, you still might win.
Justin: Oh, Alex, you're so transparent. You know that I'm better than you at magic, so you have to lash out and make fun of me. And, you don't take any of this magic seriously.
Alex: I can't take *you* seriously. You use big words like "transparent". What are you, British?
Professor Crumbs: No, but I am.

Alex: [Professor Crumbs, who was about to take Alex's powers, is turned into guinea pig] Don't look at me, I don't have my powers!
Jerry: [shocked] Justin?
Justin: ...I panicked!
Alex: This is my problem not yours. Don't let me drag you down.
Justin: But you don't drag me down. I don't want you to lose your powers. Everytime you mess up; I have to think of a way to fix it. You make me a better wizard.

Report Card: Hey kid, I can tell you how to get rid of a bad report card.
Alex: Really? How?
Report Card: Get good grades.

Alex: I hate you.
Justin: Hate you too. (they look at eachother for a bit, then hug)
Alex: ...And if it means that much to you, i'll sign your tortilla petition.

Credit Check (2008) #1.18[edit]

Alex: I quit. [Grabs Harper's arm] And we're going to the kitchen...[Everyone gasps] to eat...[more gasps] And we don't care who watches!

Alex's Spring Fling (2008) #1.19[edit]

Justin: [Talking on the phone] Mom, Dad, Can I be in charge? What if there was a tidal wave, THEN can I be in charge? YES!! [Hangs up phone and blows a whistle] Okay, I'm in charge.
Alex: [Throws a water balloon at Justin] Hey, look, a tidal wave, now you're in charge!
Justin: Alex, you just ruined my new clothes.
Alex: Justin, when you wear something for a week, it's not new anymore. It just needs a wash.
Max: [Throws a water balloon at Justin] Hey, look, I just washed it. You're welcome!

Quinceanera

Grandma: I talked to your mom. She thinks your dad could lose 5 more pounds too.

Richard (in Justin's body): What am I doing here? Candace (in Max's body): "I dunno. But like all the trouble spots I've been into all my life. I'm gonna dance my way out."

(Music plays and they start to dance)

Richard (in Justin's body): If you were 15 years older I would ask you out

Teresa (in Alex's body): Okay that just really weird

(Now they do the swan)

Richard (in Justin's body): Leap into my arms, I got you baby.


Candace (in Max's body): Arms out, hold it girl, you're a swan.

Art Museum Piece (2008) #1.21[edit]

Season 2[edit]

Smarty Pants (2008) #2.01[edit]

Justin: C'mon Alex, you got a D in lunch.

Theresa: [walks into the Wizard Lair] Ooh, yay! I'm in the Wizard Lair. Or as I like to call, "The Garage Sale That Never Happened".

Justin: [holds up the Speed Shirt] This is a Speed Shirt, it gives you supersonic speed.
Max: Ah, does it grow your hair really long?
Justin: Speed...shirt...
[Max, confused]

Beware Wolf (2008) #2.02[edit]

Alex: Don't forget your collars, its flea season. [laughs] Man, I am on fire!

Isebella: (Chews Alex's sweater) Now that was fun!
Alex: Really? Becuase my word was weird

Jerry: Justin, get in the kitchen right now!
Justin: OK, Come on Isabella we're going in the kitchen...
Theresa: No No, Isabella has to stay here because, of, the, the thing
Justin:What thing?
Jerry: Justin, you come in the kitchen, Isebella, you stay there

Graphic Novel (2008) #2.03[edit]

Justin: If one person in the family hates someone then the others have to hate them, too.
Max: So, that means if I hate pumpkin pie, you hate pumpkin pie, too?
Justin: You know I love pumpkin pie!

Racing (2008) #2.04[edit]

Dean-Hey Salad, Just like my mama make it.

Alex's Brother Maximan (2008) #2.05[edit]

Max: No, wait, well..yes. But I'm MAXIMAN!

Alex: I mean you stop here so often I belive they call it "Dean's Corner"

Saving Wiz-Tech Part 1 (2008) #2.06[edit]

Justin: [to Professor Crumbs] You're the one with the beard and yet I'm the mature one.

Saving Wiz-Tech Part 2 (2008) #2.07[edit]

Annoucer: 3,2,1. Evil.
Alex: (turns around and looks evil)
Justin: Yeah, it's too late.
Alex: (looks at Ronald) I don't look like him, do I? (takes off Justin's glasses and looks at her reflection and gasps)

Max: I love tether ball! It's the only ball you can never lose!

Max: Oh I heard him! He said that you and him are going to start your evil lives together! Congratulations!

Justin: Couldn't we just wait for the elevator to come back up?
Max: Justin, even I know that's a bad idea!

Ronald: And Professor Crumbs, I'm firing you! And just to prove that I am evil, I'll take that beard.
Professor Crumbs: (takes off his beard and gives it to Ronald)
Alex: (shocked and covers her mouth)
Justin: (shocked and takes off his glasses)

Professor Crumbs: Not your spit! Bull's eye!

Harper Knows (2008) #2.08[edit]

Jerry: Oh, Okay .. Well then D Battery Guy does. [Wears a purse]

Jerry: "Popcon's in town!
Justin: "Popcon's in town!!"
Theresa: "Popcon's in town!?"
Max: "Popcorn's in town!!? That doesn't make any sense...why am I so excited?"

Taxi Dance (2008) #2.09[edit]

Alex: We can call it...a parade balloon! [Loudly] Hey everyone! I'm just looking at that realistic looking parade balloon!

Harper: Then why did you yell at that guy playing in front of your restaurant?
Alex: Singing about your girl? Oh wah wah wah. You're playing in front of a restaurant, no wonder she's gone.

Alex: [to her family] Did you know they're making parade balloons more realistic looking? Just keep that in mind in case that comes up...

[Taxi crashes through kitchen window]
Alex: [unconvincingly] Oh my goodness! A realistic parade balloon broke free!

Baby Cupid (2008) #2.10[edit]

Baby Cupid: I'm a baby, I forget things. Hey look! I have a belly button

Make It Happen (2008/2009) #2.11[edit]

Jerry: Who's going to run the Sub Station? That's the only reason we had you kids!
Alex: (looks at him)
Jerry: Not you.
Alex: (smiles)

Fairy Tale (2009) #2.12[edit]

Harper: I'm going to start being careful right now. (slips) Whoa! (gets caught) Oh that was close. I almost slipped on my cheddar cheese fairy dust. (walks beside the cheddar cheese then falls off the stage)
Alex: Harper, are you okay?
Harper: I don't know. Is my foot suppose to bend this way?
Alex: (goes down the stage)

Mr. Laritate: Alex! Congratulations! You get to saddle up for the rodeo!
Alex: (gets back onstage and takes a few steps back) Out of my way. I gotta throw myself off the stage.
Justin: Make some room!
Mr. Laritate: (stops Alex) You're in the show, Alex.
Alex: (tries to run)
Mr. Laritate: (stops Alex again)

Alex: Yes.
Justin: With feeling!
Alex: (whispers) Oh. (to Zeke) With feeling.

Alex: Ew! (tries to clean the floor)
Justin: Would you die already?!
Alex: Fine! (gets a pillow and sits on it then whispers) I'm Dead.

Fashion Week (2009) #2.13[edit]

Helping Hand (2009) #2.14[edit]

Max: Hey I've got something that will put our name on the wizard map!
(Justin and Jerry look interested.)
Max: Okay, how about a spell to make clear plastic that's sticky on one side and it helps wizards put drawings on the refrigerator? I'll call it, Russo's Sticky Strips.
Justin: You know, that sounds vaguely similar to something that we have right here (picks up tape), called tape.
(Max observes the tape)
Max: Oh man! This is even better than mine! It has a convenient clear holder and a serrated edge for clean cuts!

Art Teacher (2009) #2.15[edit]

Alex: As teacher's deputy... [walks over to TJ] TJ, why don't you take out your sketch pad and draw yourself a detention slip?
TJ: I'll show you a detention slip!
Alex: Thank you, that's exactly what I wanted to hear.
TJ: Well that backfired.

Future Harper (2009) #2.16[edit]

Max: This is awesome!
Justin: Is it Max? Is this what you really wanted for your birthday?!

[Max, Justin and Alex are canoeing on lava.]

Alex: If we live I am SO taking my gift card back!

[Justin is reading one of H.J. Darling's books with Alex, Max and Harper in the lair.]

Alex: Did she steal our stories?
Justin: Wait.
Alex: Did she steal our stories?
Justin: Wait. [reads for a few more seconds then slams the book close] She stole our stories!
Alex: I knew it! Our stories are making this lady rich!
Harper: And famous!
Justin: And famous! There's a crazy ten minute sale, the kids get stuck in a movie, the brother turns invisible and they pour orange soda into a genie's lamp.

Future Harper: I'm Harper from the future.

Future Harper: Ooh you seem upset. Did Mason break up with you already?
Alex: Who's Mason?

[Alex picks up book]
Random Girl: [gasps] Alex Russo has a book!

Alex: (shouting at Harper at the Grand Canyon) HARPER! I GIVE YOU PERMISSION!
Harper: WHAT?! I CAN'T HEAR YOU!
Alex: I GIVE YOU PERMISSION!
Harper: A MISSION TO DO WHAT?
Alex: THIS IS IMPOSSIBLE!
Harper: MISSION IMPOSSIBLE? I ALREADY SAW THAT!
Alex: MEET ME BACK AT THE HOUSE!
Harper: OKAY!
Alex: OH, SO NOW YOU HEAR THAT? (leaves)

Alex Does Good (2009) #2.17[edit]

Mr. Laritate: (after Alex gives a speech on what she realized about the structure of the Helpers Club) That was a wonderful speech... (gets excited) Worthy of a ribbon!
(Happy Helpers cheer)
Alex: (frustrated) No! I dont want a ribbon!
Mr. Laritate: It's either that or suspension.
Alex: (takes the ribbon) Oh, its a lovely ribbon.

Max: I got a date! I got a date! I got a date!
Jerry: Oh, Max. I told you. If a girl walks in and asks if we do take-out, it doesn't mean she wants to take you out.

Hugh's Not Normous (2009) #2.18[edit]

Max: At least give me a spell to fix this!
Alex: [calls] You're on your own, jerkface!
Max: Thank you! [takes out wand, and tries to cast spell] 'You're on your own, jerkface!'

Mom: I'm a bit of a practical joker myself.
Max: Really?
Mom: Yeah I've played a lot of jokes on your father over the years
Max: Like what?
Mom: Well like, wadding up his clothes so they get all wrinkled. (laughs) Or putting a sign on his back that says something hilarious... like umm.. "My knees hurt in the morning." (laughs) or or umm..."I could use a good shower." (laughs harder)
Max: Mom, those are the worse practical jokes I've ever heard.
Mom: What?! Maybe you just don't understand them the note says "My knees hurt in the morning." (laughing) That way when people read it they'll think he's a stinky geezer. (laughs hysterically while jumping up and down) (she looks at Max's expressionless face)
Mom: Don't you get it? You don't get it?

Don't Rain on Justin's Parade-Earth (2009) #2.19[edit]

Alex: (waves her wand) What he did.

Family Game Night (2009) #2.20[edit]

Justin: Who wrote down one syllable?
Max: I did.
Jerry: You were supposed to write titles.
Justin: That is infuriating isn't it. Doesn't it make you want to... throw a table.
Jerry: I'm sure there's a book titled "One Syllable" somewhere out there.

Jerry: No Alex, you stay, you're not disqualified. I got that fair and square. [stands up] YOUR MOTHER IS STACKING THE TEAMS AGAINST ME!!
Justin: That's what I'm talking about!
Theresa: What? You heard her she cheated.
Justin: And I'm livid. You know what? They should both be disqualified out of here.
Jerry: Oh, this is totally bogus!
Max: Dad's pouting 'cause he lost a fight again,
Theresa: No! We are not fighting, that's one thing we are not doing; we're not fighting. So stop fighting! The neighbors can hear us!
Woman: That's it! I'm calling the cops.
Jerry: (moves his arms like he's karate chopping)
Max: Karate Kid!
Jerry: We are not fighting! We're trying to make a good impression!

Justin's New Girlfriend (2009) #2.21[edit]

Alex: [To Justin] You want to hear a billion year old guy talk about falling? Just go hang out with Grandpa
Jakara: I will hang out with Isante and Scott.

My Tutor, Tutor (2009) #2.22[edit]

Alex: [to Tutor] I like you...I hope you don't wreck it.

Paint by Committee (2009) #2.23[edit]

Wizard For a Day (2009) #2.24[edit]

[Justin walks in to Wizard's Lair]
Justin: What are you doing?
Alex: You'll be interested to know that I've found the perfect present for dad.
Justin: [gasps][whispers to skull staff] She's going to turn her lips into a zipper!
Alex: Oh! That's a good shot! How long have you been working on that one?
Justin: Since the day that mom came home and said "Look! There's your little sister, Justin!"

[huge alien spaceship lands in Waverly Place]
Zeke: Can you guys believe it! Aliens have landed on Waverly Place!
Max: Yeah well who's gonna tell them they can't park there? There gonna get towed...

[Aliens aiming guns at the family]
Theresa: Jerry! Help us!
[Jerry gasps. Looks back and forth between family and milkshake machine.]
Jerry: Ahh!
[Runs to protect milkshake machine]
Jerry: Not the milkshake machine! PLEASE!!!!
Theresa: [To Family] I knew it!

Lead Alien: What happened? Where did the milkshake machine go?
Alex: Justin, you did it!
[Justin walks into the room holding one of the alien's guns]
Justin: Luckily one of those aliens dropped this thing and I was able to quickly figure out how to operate their advanced technology. It's a switch!
Lead Alien: Hand over the Milkshake Machine
[Jerry holds Max in front of him]
Jerry: Here's the Milkshake Machine
Theresa: JERRY!!!

Cast Away (To Another Show) (2009) #2.25[edit]

Theresa: Let's find Alex and get out of here.
Jerry: Right, and before she figures out that there's a school on board.

(The elevator dings and Alex is inside.)

Alex: Did you guys know that there is a school on board?

Justin: Okay, Alex. I got exactly what I wanted: a date with London Tipton.
Alex: Great!
Justin: Not great. I lied to get her.
Alex: Still great!
Justin: No. I got exactly what I wanted and now it's all terrible because she's not so smart.
Alex: What do you mean?
Justin: Max thinks she's dumb.
Alex: Oh, you gotta dump her.

London: Oh my gosh! Bailey?! She's choking! She's choking! Dr. Fossil, help her! You're a doctor!
Justin: I don't know how to save her!
London: What kind of doctor doesn't know how to save a person's life?!
Justin: Look, I was going to tell you-
London: Tell me what? That you're not a very smart doctor?!
Alex: Bailey! (gives Bailey abdominal thrusts and Bailey stops choking) Bailey, are you okay?
Bailey: Yes, thank you! (hugs Alex)
Mr. Moseby: You just saved her life. What's your name again?
Alex: Ashley Simpson!

Alex: Well, at least I had fun in the sun before I got stuck in that class.
Harper: At least I got to go on a cruise I had no business on.
Alex: (smiles) I'll see you back home. (casts a spell) From east to west, this spell's no jest, wherever we roam, send Harper back home. (Harper disappears) Wait, did I say roam or home first? Eh, she'll like Rome.

Wizards vs. Vampires on Waverly Place (2009) #2.26[edit]

Justin: That's why they had fangs.

Jerry: You're dating the competition? How could you do this to us?

Justin: I used magic to add 5 extra minutes to my break schedule. So now when I take my break, it'll be for 25 minutes at a time.
Alex: (Stares at him in disbelief, then shakes her head.) You used MAGIC to do this? (Wipes off a "0" on the white board and writes a "5".) Ugh, Justin! You could have used magic to, I don't know, stop time, freeze Mom and Dad so they couldn't find you, create an alternate universe where you and Juliet could date for like a year but it would only be one minute of our time. Something big and magical!
Justin: I also used it to grow 2 inches.
Alex: You are a WizIDIOT!

Wizards vs. Vampires: Tasty Bites (2009) #2.27[edit]

Max: (inside a giant Jack-o-Lantern) You're probably jealous because I moved out of the house before you did. Tell Mommy and Daddy I said "Hi", loser!
Justin: Okay. I'll tell them. (turns to the house) Hey Mom, Dad; the kid living in the Jack-o-Lantern thinks I'm the loser!

Alex: (about Juliet's parents' plans to suck her and Harper's blood) Wait a minute, so you were planning this the whole time? Unbelievable! Well! Maybe this goes without saying, but I quit!
Harper: (to Alex) I kinda need the job, so I'm going to take my chances.

Jerry: Not until you apologize for almost biting my daughter's neck and turning her into a vampire for all of eternity!
Cindy: Alright, alright, we're sorry! Why don't we smooth it over with a little bit of ice cream?
Jerry: Really? You're about to turn our daughter into a vampire, and you think you can just "smooth it over" with some ice cream?
Alucard: So you don't want the ice cream?
Jerry: No, we want the ice cream.
Theresa: Jerry!
Jerry: Um...and I think we need more of an apology.
Cindy: Unlimited toppings?
Jerry: I accept your apology. I'll take mine in a cup.
Alex: Dad! They were just about to eat our blood!
Jerry: That's right! This is unacceptable! Harper was going to be the one to take care of us in our old age!
Harper: (quietly) Yes!
Alucard: Alright! I'll make dinner, too! Who's up for some really rare steaks?

Wizards vs. Vampires: Dream Date (2009) #2.28[edit]

Jerry: Justin, you've got to stop buying me those parenting books. I'm not going to read them!

Justin: Hi, dad. You must have noticed how down I was and wanted to come talk.
Jerry: No, we need the table.

Wizards and Vampires vs. Zombies (2009) #2.29[edit]

Alex: No, I know you can sing. I'm just saying, do you really want to do it in front of all of those people? Staring right up at you? Waving their cellphones, taking your picture? Putting it on the internet for people to see over and over and over again, so people can watch it for years and years and years?
Justin: No, it's gonna-it's gonna be great. Because after that, I'm going to ask her to go steady with me.
Alex: (scoffs) Go steady? Whose prom are you going to, grandpa's?

Max: It feels good to be appreciated.
Alex: Yeah, don't get use to it.

Alex: So that's where the fliers went.
Max: Yes! Zombies are coming man! Don't worry, I already locked the doors. Nobody can get in, and we can't get out.
Alex and Justin: (mad at Max for being an idiot) Did you at least find the No Fear Ring? I could really use it right now.
Alex: Harper has it. That's why she's standing up to the zombies.

Alex: We're always one step ahead of them. (low fives Harper and leaves with her)

Retest (2009) #2.30[edit]

Justin: [Referring to their aunt] Well we're gonna have to find a way to get her back here so she could retake the test!
Jerry: Well, the problem is nobody knows where she is!
Justin: Well we're gonna have to find her then!
Max: [Stands up] I have a magnifying glass, will that help?
Justin: [Looks to his dad than back] She's not tiny!
Max: You said she was an ant!

Megan: (about Kelbo) Yep, you're just like him.
Max: Thank you!
Megan: That wasn't a compliment.
Max: Thank you!
Megan: It was an insult.
Max: Thank you!

Theresa:(Holding nose) I hate living with wizards.

Alex: (making a prank call) Excuse me but is your refrigerator running?
Megan: Alex, I know it's you. I can see Kelbo's wand number on my caller ID.
Alex: Guys, she's on to us!
Justin: We forgot to dial pound, horse, unicorn!
Alex: What do we do?!
Uncle Kelbo: What we always do! Run! (pushes Max and Justin and runs)

Wizards of Waverly Place: The Movie (2009) #2.31[edit]

Theresa: The minute Justin tried to magically glue me to my chair, I knew something was up. You will NOT stop, will you?!
Alex: Well, what am I supposed to do?! Since you've decided you wanted to control EVERY SINGLE SECOND OF MY LIFE.
Theresa: Please. Do you think I'm doing this for me? Like you're actually pleasant to be around?
Alex: I am 16! You can't keep telling me...what to do!
Theresa: Watch me. For the rest of this trip you are going to be pleasant and present...
Alex: You can't make me.
Theresa: When we get home, you are grounded for two months. That's right. No dating, no parties, no magic...
Alex: MOM!
Theresa: Not another word. I've had it. Now put that stuff away. (leaves the room and shuts the door behind her)
Alex: OH, I HATE you! I WISH YOU AND DAD HAD NEVER EVEN MET! (the wand in her hand glows and an aurora starts to fill the room causing the spell)

Alex: Justin, help me. What spell do I use?
Justin: Why would I help you?
Alex: Cause you're my brother. Look I'm sorry you didn't...
Justin: I'm your brother?!
Alex: No, no Justin. Please you can't leave me here, please remember. I'm Alex, I'm your little sister. I taunt you, and I tease you, and I make your life miserable, but you love me anyway. You're everything that I ever wanted to be. I'm jealous of how smart you are, and how kind, and how nice. Please don't leave me here.
Justin: I'd never leave you. I don't know who you are, but I believe you.
Alex: Okay, what spell do I use?
Justin: What's going on? I don't...I don't know the sitiuation. (twister comes)
Alex: NO,JUSTIN! (twister takes Justin) NO! (to Jerry) You have to help me. Justin should've won this not me.
Jerry: Just be calm. You can do this.
Alex: Reverse the spell, don't make me scream and yell.
Jerry: Try another one. Focus.
Alex: Because of words of hate, do not my brothers take. I don't know how to do this. Please help me.
Jerry: Oh honey, I'm sorry,I think it's too late.
Alex: No, it can't be too late.
Theresa: Hey, will this help? (throws the stone to Alex)
Alex: (catches the stone) The stone.
Jerry: Careful you only have one wish, but if you do it right, you can get your borthers back and still be a full wizard. Just, just wish for them to reappear. Okay?
Alex: No. No it's much more than that. I want everything to be exactly the way it was.

Theresa: Alex!
Alex: Mom?
Theresa: The minute Justin tried to magically glue me to my chair, I knew something was up. You will NOT stop, will you?!
Alex: Mom! (Hugs Theresa) I am so, so sorry. I could never hate you. I love you. You know that, right? And I'm not just saying that. I mean that.
Theresa: Well, yeah, of course I know that, honey. But you're still grounded.
Alex: Yes, I know. I can't wait to be grounded. Ground me, take away my magic, I don't care.
Theresa: Okay. As long as you've learned your lesson. (Hugs Theresa Again)
Justin: Hey, Alex!
Alex: Justin! Max!
Theresa: You miss your brothers?

Season 3[edit]

Franken-Girl (2009) #3.01[edit]

[Alex and Max sitting on a couch watching a scary movie]
Max: Frankenstein Vs. Snakes 3D is the best monsters versus snakes movie ever!
Alex: I think it's the best movie ever because we stole out of Justin's room.

Justin: (Looking at Franken-girl) SHE'S ALIVE! SHE'S ALIVE! SHE'S ALIVE!

Monster Hunter (2009) #3.03[edit]

Alex: (singing) I am singing this whole song to learn a spell.
Harper: Learn a spell.
Alex: This is the thing that Justin does so well.
Harper: Does so well.
Alex: When I'm in a jam and need to scram I cast spell called Jackie Chan I'm singing this whole song and I learn spells. When I need something that's far away I cast a spell called (pauses and reads) "Grow legs and come my way."
Harper: It comes in handy if your lazy. Which you are and sometimes means your best friend you don't even care or thank me for the things like-
Alex: Harper!
Harper: (stops singing)
Alex: Is everything okay?
Harper: You mean because it didn't rhyme? I'll work on that.

Alex: I can't believe you would something this stupid.
Max: Alex, I think we all believe I can do something this stupid.

Three Monsters (2009) #3.04[edit]

Juliet: (licking a red substance that looks like blood from her hand)
Alex: Oh my gosh, she did it.
Harper: (gets a empty doughnut) The vampire took all of the jelly out of this doughnut!
Alex: And no weight gain because you're dead!
Harper: The jelly does kinda of look like blood.
Juliet: Yeah, that's why vampires carry jelly doughnuts.
Alex: (laughs) You're awesome.
Juliet: I know.
Alex: And I don't say that to any of my brother's girlfriends because they're all monsters. I mean there was a centaur, a werewolf.
Juliet: Well I'm a vampire.
Alex: Yeah but you have normal feet.
Juliet: That's true.
Alex: Okay, I have to ask you something. Why would somebody cool as you would be dating my brother?
Juliet: Well I find that if you're a little cooler than your boyfriend, he'll never dump you!
Alex and Harper: Ohhhh!
Harper: Okay, now I gotta ask you something. When you turn into a bat where do your clothes go?
Juliet: Well you're not really thinking about that when you're going (waves her arms) WHOOO! WHOO! WHOO!

Alex: You turned in your girlfriend into the Monster Hunter Council!
Justin: What? (laughs)
Juliet: (walks in)

(Justin's detector beeps rapidly.)

Justin: Oh no.
Juliet: Hey! Who wants to see me empty a calzone?

Alex: You finally get a girlfriend with normal feet and you reported her to the Monster Hunter Council?!

Harper: You smell like vanilla.
Juliet: Thanks! I use it to disguise the smell of death and decay!

Harper: Wait, what?! What happens when they catch me?
Alex: Oh don't worry. They'll find out that you're a human impersonating a monster and they'll release you like a little fish....I think.

Harper: I was gonna be a lady about this but now I want my dress back! STRIP IT DOWN, SISTER!

A Night at the Lazarema (2009) #3.05[edit]

Justin: We are in deep guano.

Alex:: Well, you know what they say. When you love somebody, set them free. And if they really love you, they’ll come back.
Justin: Not unless they're a mind slave to a mummy.

Doll House (2009) #3.06[edit]

Harper: (calls her mom) Mom, you were right! They did ask! Okay, bye! (hangs up) She said yes! Group hug!
Russo Family: (shocked that Harper manipulated them)
Justin: You and your mom manipulated us! Looks like you are part of this family. (Everyone leaves except Alex.)

Marathoner Harper (2009) #3.07[edit]

[At the recreation of Harper's 5th grade spelling bee]:
Jerry: Okay, are you ready for your word, Max-
Max: [interrupts] Max! M-A-C-K-S. Max.
Jerry: Th-that isn't your word that's your name...and you mispelled it!
Max: [shakes head] I should've asked for a definition.
Jerry: Your word is.....hippopotomonstrosesquip­pedalio­phobia.
Carol: Could you use it in a sentence?
Jerry: Hippopotomonstrosesquippedali­o­phobia is an annoying word, and I'm not gonna say it again.

(Carol looks at Jerry funny.)

Jerry: THAT'S the sentence.

Harper: I learned one thing.
Alex: (smiling) When did you become the most amazing person in my life?
Harper: The first day we met in kindergarten. We had to sleep in different rooms 'cause we snored.

(Both Alex and Harper snore and then laugh.)

Alex Charms a Boy/You Muse, You Lose (2010) #3.08[edit]

Mason: Sorry, I think you dropped this.
Alex: No, that's not mine.
Mason: Yeah I know. I needed an excuse to come talk to you.
Alex: (stares at him for a few seconds and takes the paintbrush)
Mason: It's quite lovely...what you're working on there.
Alex: (smiles) So new British guy, how close are the countries British and England?
Mason: They're the same country. Kinda of and it's Britain not British.
Alex: I know. I just think it's ridiculous when people explain ridiculous things.

(Mr. Laritate rings a cow bell.)

Alex: And speaking of ridiculous things.

Alex: Art Off is stupid. Just because Mr. Laritate picks a painting doesn't mean it's good. I mean look at him. He picks out those clothes.
Mason: He doesn't pick those. His mum lays them out for him.
Alex: I like you new British guy. You're on my team.
Mason: (offers to shake hand) My name is Mason Greyback.
Alex: "Mason Greyback" That sounds like the name of a game show host.. like, "Mason Greyback, I'll take British for a thousand, please."
Mason: (pretends a paintbrush is a microphone and a piece of newspaper is a card with a question) Your question is, "I think you're cute, what do you think of me?"
Alex: (makes a buzzing noise) We're out of time.

Harper: Sailboat plus moon equals loser! Heh heh heh heh. (makes an L with her hand)

Mason: You know since I got here last Thursday, I noticed that he talks like a cowboy. Oh, and he likes cats.
Alex: Nah. In America we call them kitty cats.
Mason: Okay, kitty cats.
Alex: Hahaha! I made you say kitty cats.

Mason: How would you feel about maybe going for some tea later?
Alex: Okay. But if 'go for tea' doesn't mean a date then I'm gonna be really embarrassed. And that whole accent thing, girls see right through it... no they don't.
Harper: Oh. Kittens never lose. Next time I'm gonna paint Macgruder being eaten by a kitten. Yeah he's gonna drop this class.

Mason: (picks up a water balloon) These are water balloons.
Alex: Ah, so you've heard of them.

Wizards Vs. Werewolves (2010) #3.09[edit]

Justin: Mason, thanks. I owe you one.

Justin: That would explain why she's scratching him behind the ear.

Alex: Mason, you haven't stopped staring at Juliet since we found her.
Mason: Juliet, I didn't know we were looking for you. I NEVER STOPPED LOVING YOU!
Alex: (gasps) Oh my gosh! What are you doing?!
Mason: I don't know!
Alex: Can't you see the way I feel about you?
Mason: Alex, I'm sorry! Something just came over me!
Alex: (takes off the necklace) I never want to see you again! (throws the necklace, waves her wand and disappears)
Max: Dude, I don't know what you just did but she seems pretty hurt. I'm gonna let it slide so you and I are still good.
Justin: (pushes Max away) No!
Mason: Justin please! Let me explain this!
Justin: There's nothing to explain. You broke Alex's heart. (to Max) He's not good with any of us.
Max: I figured. I tried but it was totally hard to misread the situation.

Theresa: But on the bright side, we're all really glad that you have feelings!
Alex: (crying) Mason told Juliet he loved her....right in front of me.

Harper: La la la la la la. (screams) HEY YOU!

Justin: Mason. Alex doesn't want to see you, and not to gloat, but I know Juliet doesn't.
Mason: I came to fix things.
Theresa: (whispers to Justin) Make him write down what he wants to say to her. That accent of him gives him an unfair advantage.
Mason: Alex. I didn't mean what I said earlier. I was in shock from seeing Juliet but I wanna be with you.
Alex: Really?
Mason: Yes, I do.
Alex: Mason, look. I've been in shock before, too.. like, when I accidentally made my brother disappear.. or I accidentally made my parents not know who I was.. or I accidentally got trapped in a horror film.. or I accidentally-
Theresa: Honey.. honey, we know.. you've messed up a a lot.
Alex: Yes. But still, I've never accidentally told someone I love them, when I didn't.
Mason: Alex, I know it's hard to believe, but if you just let me explain-
Alex: I think you've said enough.
Jerry: You have to go now, Mister.
Mason: Yes, sir. I'll, be on my way, then. And I'll regret my mistake, for the rest of my life..

Mason: Alex, I'm over Juliet you've got to believe me.
Alex: Well, I don't. Just because she didn't want you, Mason, I'm your second choice.
Harper: Things are going well on my shift.
Mason: Listen to me, Alex. I can prove it. All we have to do is go back to Transylvania and find the true love necklace. If you put it on me and it glows, then you'll know how I truly feel about you.
Alex: No. I'm never going back there. You can go get it.
Mason: No. You have to go with me.. 'cause that's where all went bad, and that's where I'm gonna make it all go good.
Alex: [thinks] Okay.

Max: Alex went to Pennsylvania!
Jerry: The Keystone State!
Justin: Are you sure she didn't say Transylvania?
Max: I don't know. Say 'Pennsylvania' with a British accent.
Justin: (in normal voice) Transylvania.
Max: That was it.

Alex: (lays her head on Justin's shoulder) Promise me we'll find normal people.
Justin: We're not normal people.

Positive Alex (2010) #3.10[edit]

Alex: Sorry couch and t.v., you're gonna have to get along without me! Yay!
George: (smiles and leaves)
Alex: Life is so good! (to Harper) I'm going to the dance with George!
Alex and Harper: (jumping up and down) Yay!

Zeke: Ready? Okay!
Alex and Zeke: Here come the Turkeys! (claps) Justin's got the water! (claps) They can't win without him. (claps)
Zeke: ....so let's applaud her!
(Everyone looks at Zeke.)
Zeke: Hey, when in doubt, flip out right? (flips)
(The crowd and cheerleaders applaud and cheer.)

Detention Election (2010) #3.11[edit]

(A girl walks in.)

Stevie: Hello prisoners. (picks up a guy's hat, drops it, and points at Mr. Laritate) Warden.
Mr. Laritate: (smiles meekly)
Stevie: (takes another guy's device) Sorry I'm late. I had a phone call (looks at Eddie) with you mom. She said, "Get out of chair!"
Eddie: (goes to different chair)
Stevie: (sits down comfortably)
Alex: (turns to Stevie) Who are you?
Stevie: I'm Stevie. Last name...I don't want to know yours so why do you want to know mine?
Mr. Laritate: She makes you look like him. (motions to Justin)
Justin: (waves)
Mr. Laritate: All right, I'll be back to let you out of the cage at three. If need anything, you should have thought of that before you acted up. (leaves and closes the door)
Alex: (gets up) Hey Stevie, why don't you tell me a bedtime story about how you ended up in detention so fast? (takes a pillow hidden from inside a globe)
Stevie: Got caught for some stuff in my old school, so they're making me make up detention here. But it's cool. It's the quickest way to meet my people.
Alex: (gets a sound machine from behind a plague on the wall) You're people? Oh, you mean people like me! Thank you! That's so sweet! (makes a hammock) Now, if you'll excuse me. I need a couple of more hours shut eye under a gentle rain. (turns the sound machine on and the machine plays sounds of rain)
Eddie: Yeah you gotta turn that down. It makes me want to go numero uno.

(Alex and Stevie look at him.)

Eddie: Yeah that's right, I speak French.
Stevie: (turns the sound machine volume higher) Well, Oui, Oui.
Alex: (laughs and does a handshake with Stevie)

Dude Looks Like Shakira (2010) #3.12[edit]

Alex and Shakira: (singing) Broke my heart down the road. Spent the weekend sewing the pieces back on. Crayons and dolls pass me by. Walking gets too boring when you learn how to fly. Not the homecoming kind. Take the top off and who knows what you might find. Won't confess all of my sins. You can bet I try it but you can't always win. 'Cause I'm a gypsy. Are you coming with me?
Shakira: (transforms into Uncle Kelbo)
Alex and Max: Uncle Kelbo?

Alex: What's so magical about that?
Uncle Kelbo: A dragon does it.

Alex: Shakira!
Justin: Shakira!
Alex: Maybe if we say it in Spanish!
Justin: (in a Spanish accent) Shakira!
Alex: (in a Spanish accent) Shakira!

Eat to the Beat (2010) #3.13[edit]

Alex: (to Stevie) We need to something about this music (looks at Harper) then her.
Harper: (dancing)

Alex: I'd love to see the look on Justin's face if he saw this band instead of those jazz geezers.
Stevie: That would be awesome! We gotta make that happen!
Alex: If only we knew two girls with devious enough minds to come up with a scheme to get Uggh to play at our school.
Stevie: Hmmmm. I think I see one.
Alex: And I see another one. (high fives Stevie)

Third Wheel (2010) #3.14[edit]

Alex: As I hear people say all the time and I cannot spell, touche.

Harper: [bends to the gorund] But that was Jeremy from science! He was going to ask me out.
Alex: Harper.
Harper: [turns to Alex] And now we will never know.

[Alex and Stevie stare at Harper and cross their arms.]

Alex: Harper, that's offensive.

Justin: Harper, that's offensive.

Justin: I gotta use magic. [transforms into Alex] Okay I'll just pretend I'm Alex and convince Harper to help me with the float. No, I can't do it. It's just not me. [transforms back into himself and groans] But I do need to finish the float. [scratches his back with his wand] Ahh, ooh! [transforms to Alex] But it's a selfish use of magic and that's wrong. [transforms back to himself] But it would allow Harper to be with her friend, which would be nice. [transforms to Alex] No I can't do it! [transforms back] But I have to! [transforms into Alex] But I can't!
Harper: [walks out] Alex?
Justin as Alex: Uh oh. [drops his wand]
Harper: Oh my gosh! You came back to be with me.
Justin as Alex: [high pitched] Yes I'm....[clears voice] Yes I'm-I'm Alex and I came back to work on the float with you, and also to tell you how much you mean to me.
Harper: Aw, you never said that to me before. Thanks.
Justin as Alex: Well, you're welcome.
Harper: You never said that to me or to anyone. You must be really making an effort here. [grabs a mallet]
Justin as Alex: Wow, she sure has set the bar low for herself.
Harper: Why are you wearing Justin's clothes?
Justin as Alex: Oh. Be-because I stole them from Justin. Because I'm a dirty, lying thief.
Harper: [rubs Justin's head and smiles] I know you are.

Alex: You're not my friend Harper.
Harper: What?
Alex: Stevie's my friend. You're my sister.
Harper: (smiles)
Alex: (hugs Harper) I love you.
Harper: I love you too.
Alex: Okay. (crawl over the window)
Harper: Wait, what are you doing?
Alex: Well I'm not going to let you stay here alone.
Harper: But if you get in trouble?
Alex: For what, sneaking into detention? Yeah I would love to see how that works.
Harper: I guess if you get into trouble you're already here so... Hey your boots match the detention chair.
Alex: Yeah, there use to be two chairs. (sits on the detention chair the same time as Harper)

The Good, the Bad, and the Alex (2010) #3.15[edit]

Alex:: Wait, wait, wait! We've heard two different stories here.
Harper: Well, maybe Warren is lying. Let's see if he can stand up to one of my uncomfortable stares.
Justin: [shudders]
[Harper stares and Warren faints]
Harper: Yep, he's a liar.
Alex:: Quick! Quick! He fainted. Someone give me a pen. I love drawing mustaches on people who can't stop me!
Justin: Uh, now it makes sense, he won and a disgruntled family member is trying to wreck it for him. I've seen my future in the present.
Alex: Stevie is my friend. I'm sure she's got a reasonable explanation for what's going on.
[Justin scoffs]
Alex: Everyone is innocent until proven guilty.
Justin: C'mon Harper, let's go find Stevie. [starts to walk away with Harper]
Alex: I bet you he has a pen on him! [searches Warren]
Justin: [goes back to Alex and drags her away] Alex, stop that! It looks illegal.

Western Show (2010) #3.16[edit]

Superintendent Clanton: Laritate, you have obviously lost control of the helm and it seems [Looking at Alex] that this young sailor here...may be the iceberg that sinks your Titanic!
Alex: [Giggles] Well that's very sweet of you to say, thank you!

Max: TOTAL LAWLESSNESS! (shatters the bottles on the counter top)

Alex's Logo (2010) #3.17[edit]

Dad's Buggin' Out (2010) #3.18[edit]

Alex: Leave my friend alone! She's the only one who sees through my schemes and sticks around!

Max's Secret Girlfriend (2010) #3.19[edit]

Alex: [laughing with Harper] Tom Sawyer? That is such an obvious lie. It's the name from the Rush song.
Harper: [looks at Alex] And the classic book.
Alex: Wow, that song was good. I didn't know they made a book out of it.

Max: [comes home] I did it. I told Nancy the truth.
Jerry: We're proud of you Max.
Theresa: Isn't it easier telling the truth, honey?
Max: I'm so relieved that I told her I'm a wizard.

[The Russos and Harper are shocked.]

Justin and Jerry: [did a spit take]
The Russos: [look at Max] YOU WHAT?!?!
Theresa: Max! When I told you to tell the truth to Nancy I meant to her the truth about being a Russo, not a wizard!
Max: You wanted me to tell her the truth but not the whole truth? This truth thing is confusing, mom. To tell you the truth.
Alex: Yeah, I mean you tell the truth you get in trouble. You lie you get in trouble. We're probably just better off not talking to each other.
Jerry: What did Nancy say when you told her?
Max: She didn't believe me.

[The Russos and Harper have a sigh of relief.]

Jerry: Max, you really need to work on how you give information when you tell a story. I mean, if I had a ketchup bottle when you said you told her, I would have squeezed it and ketchup would have been flying everywhere.

(Everyone laughs.)

Jerry: Harper please hand me the ketchup. [Harper gives Jerry the ketchup]
Max: But then I took her on a magic carpet ride and she totally believed me.
Jerry: Ahhh! (squeezes the ketchup bottle)
Theresa: [opens her mouth]

Alex Russo, Matchmaker? (2010) #3.20[edit]

Alex: Zeke, get up, come on, you're going on a romantic walk in the park and then a slow, gentle kiss on the cheek. Go.

Harper: Not doing it right? Let's see your longest relationship with a boyfriend lasted two months and that guy ended in the woods to live with other wolves. And don't get me started started on the mannequin, the gear head and the baseball player with curly hair one day and straight hair the next. Man, he couldn't make a decision.

Alex: (talking through Justin's mind) Oh I see. In your mind they're losers and you're not.
Justin: Go away Alex! I hate it when you use magic to listen to my thoughts! (listens to a music player and turns the volume high)
Alex: (gets a headache)

Zeke: (thinking) So if our universe is actually on a speck of dust that speck of dust could be on another speck of dust! And another and another.
Alex: (speaking through Zeke's mind) This is going to take a lot of meddling.
Zeke: (stops thinking and gets scared) Hello? Who's there?

(Everyone looks at him.)

Alex: (smiles and covers her laugh)

Theresa: Riley, Dean and Mason?
Alex: Mom, I asked you never to say their names again.

Delinquent Justin (2010) #3.21[edit]

Delinquent Justin: Don't call me Justin. I only go by my spirit name; Bursting Eagle.

Alex: Grades are just a way of telling you how you’re doing in school; and I don’t think that’s anyone’s business.
Delinquent Justin: Exactly, you get it. Because participating in grades gives the man permission to judge you. And nobody judges me! Until the 19th… when I audition for Oklahoma.
Delinquent Justin: Oh, I'm going to deliver a speech alright, El Heffe, that's gonna rock the flimsy foundation of this school!
Mr. Laritate: [nervously] Who told you about our one night stand? Look, you can either have our music department or structural safety, but you can't have both!

Zeke: Alex! There's something wrong with your brother. He keeps saying all this crazy stuff like he wants to look for America and that love can't exist without hate. What does that even mean?!
Alex: Zeke, maybe you should give this new Justin a chance; I mean, who knows? Maybe you'll actually like him.

Delinquent Justin: [to his parents] All I'm saying you guys is that planning your future is like digging your grave with a pencil and, like, a calender.

Delinquent Justin: [examining the fringe on his jacket] When cowboys used to get really, really hungry, they ate these things, right here.
Jerry: No, the other thing.
Delinquent Justin: Chanting makes it important.
Jerry: No, the other thing.
Delinquent Justin: [points at his jeans] I bought these jeans pre-ripped. [walks away]
Alex: It's fun, right?
Delinquent Justin: [opens terrace door] Ah! Sunshine!

Mr. Laritate: Valedictorian Justin Russo.
Delinquent Justin: [holding scroll to eye] I can see your head! It's HUGE!
Mr. Laritate: Valedictorian Zeke Beakerman.
Zeke: Brunch is not a meal. Spread your wings and FLY!

Alex: Justin, I'm so sorry! I never should've created that duplicate in the first place. I guess I was just scared that I wouldn't really have anyone to fight with when you went off to college.
Justin: We've had a lot of pretty good fights, huh? I think we've still got a few good ones left in us. What do you think?
Alex: I hope so.
Theresa: You guys are hilarious. Just say you love each other!
Alex and Justin: [simultaneously] No we don't! [move away from each other to opposite sides of the couch]

Captain Jim Bob Sherwood (2010) #3.22[edit]

Justin: You didn't look, did you?
Alex: I looked around this general area. (waves her hands around the living room)
Justin: Wow.

Harper: (walking in the living room)
Justin: Maybe Harper can help.
Harper: (stops walking and turns to Alex and Justin)
Alex and Justin: (turn to Harper)
Harper: (runs downstairs)
Alex and Justin: (chase Harper)

Justin: Max, get on in.
Harper: What? No! Take a hike.
Max: You know what? You take a hike!
Harper: (walks towards him)
Max: I'm sorry! (runs out of the Sub Station)
Harper: Good, I'm gonna go change. (leaves)

Justin: What are you suppose to be?
Alex: I'm an evil queen.
Justin: What? There are no evil queens in Captain Jim Bob's World!
Alex: There's always an evil queen. Sometimes she's the head cheerleader, sometimes she's the fairytale stepmother, and sometimes, she's your sister.

Alex: (reading) "The Russo sisters Alex and Justine have taken over the reins with flair."
Justine: What? Did you just say Justine?
Alex: Wow. Sometimes I don't have to do anything and I still win.
Justine: Oh! I am writing a VERY strongly worded letter to the editor about that!
Alex: Yeah, good luck with that, sis.

Wizards vs Finkles (2010) #3.23[edit]

Mr. Finkle: We're really sorry to take your little lady away from you like this.
Justin: Who are you talking about?
Mrs. Finkle: Word on the street is that you two lovebirds are quite a big-ticket item.
Justin: Oh! Me and Harper. No, Harper is dating Zeke. Zeke Biekerman.
Mr. Finkle: Zeke Biek-erman? It rhymes! Must be a stage name. Last thing we need is for our daughter to date another Johnny Stagedoor.
Mrs. Finkle: Being a couple of loose cannon undependable show biz types ourselves, we were hoping our daughter would wind up with some nice, boring, accountable square like yourself.

Justin: Everyone thinks I'm a boring square? (laughs) They are not gonna believe this down at the hobby shop.

All About You-Niverse/Alex Through the Looking Glass (2010) #3.24[edit]

Theresa: Uh, not so fast! You're not going anywhere, let alone Europe! Listen, you are still grounded for taking money from the cash register to buy that vending machine. And you are EXTRA grounded for sneaking out when you KNEW that you were grounded and you are EXTRA BONUS grounded for sneaking out into a magical alternate universe!
Alex: ...You're right, Mom, I'm sorry. That was a dumb idea.
Theresa: Well, that's be...wait a minute. What part of it was a dumb idea?
Alex: All of it?
Theresa: Wow. That was easy.

Theresa: We've got to find a way to get Alex out of the broken mirror.
Harper: We're never going to figure this out!
Justin: I figured it out!

Alex: Wait, hold on.

(Mirror Justin, Theresa and Harper hold on to something.)

Mirror Harper: Holding on!

Mirror Justin: It's your own personal you-niverse.

Alex: It is scary how right I am.
Mirror Harper: (screams)

Alex: Quick! Mirror Harper! Do something! I don't want to go back!
Mirror Harper: (throws something at the mirror and breaks it)

Mirror Theresa: Everything just works out fine when everyone agrees with you!

Harper: (turns the lights off then turns them on again)
Theresa and Justin: (holding the last piece)
Harper: You Russos are so predictable.

Uncle Ernesto (2010) #3.25[edit]

Alex: (asks the the magic chicken) Which one of us will win the wizard competition?

Harper: What's going on?
Justin: There's gifts from Uncle Kelbo that we weren't suppose to open but we did. Mom hates magic. There's a magic chicken running around. If you see waffles don't ask where they came from. Just enjoy them.
Harper: Wait, you people are eating waffles? I made cake.

Jerry: (to Alex) Why is there a chicken on the terrace?
Alex: Uh well off the record, the chicken is gonna lay an egg that's gonna tell us who's gonna win the wizard competition. Now on the record, I don't- what chicken?

Max: Woah. Did the magic chicken move all the furniture around?
Uncle Ernesto: What?
Justin: Uh, Max calls Dad Magic Chicken.
Jerry: Right. And I call him (pointedly) Boy Who Should Stop Talking.

Max: Hey, magic chicken!
Uncle Ernesto: Jerry, your son's calling you.
Jerry: What? Oh, uh, right, uh, we do love our nicknames in this family, (to Alex) don't we, What Should We Do Now?
Alex: Yep, yep that's my nickname!
Justin: My nickname is, I'm Sorry Mom and Remember I'm the Good One Usually the Victim.
Uncle Ernesto: Kinda long isn't it?

Max: Yeah well now we're never gonna find out who wins the wizard competition.
Justin: How about right after we actually have the wizard competition?
Max: I trust the chicken more.

Theresa: Thank you for making the cake Harper, it's beautiful, and it looks delicious.
Harper: Oh, no, ohhh, we don't eat it. The Finkle tradition is that you make a cake from scratch and the you use rolling pins to smash it together as a family. It's the one time of year we let out our frustrations.

Moving On (2010) #3.26[edit]

Harper: (as Juliet) Okay let's stare at the tree and I'll explain more.

(Flashback to Alex and Harper.)

In the lair:

Alex: Are you really going to make Max that stupid backpack shirt?
Harper: No! A backpack shirt would be embarrassing.
Alex: And that hat?
Harper: Oh don't start with me! Look I just wanted to get you into the lair. I can't stand to see Justin like this.
Alex: Well I can't stand to see Justin hardly at all, but I've gotten used to it and so should you because Juliet is not coming back.
Harper: Or is she?
Alex: No, she's not! Didn't you see her hobble off into the woods? I think Mason ate her.
Harper: Alright here's a thought. Justin needs to move on and if he can't hear it from us, maybe he needs to hear it from Juliet.
Alex: But he already did hear it from her. The old lady version of her.
Harper: Yeah but come on, who listens to old people? What if you made me look like Juliet and she told him?
Alex: Harper that doesn't sound like you want to help Justin, it sounds like you want to date him.
Harper: Oh that's not it. Why is it so hard to get you Russos to do something nice for each other?
Alex: Because when you help someone your guard is down and that's when another Russo will come right behind you and trip you!
Harper: (gives Alex a look)
Alex: Okay! Fine! I'll do it! But only because you're doing all the work. I'm just waving a wand. (waves her wand) Transfix, transpose. Make Harper look like Juliet from head to toe. (casts the spell and has a shocked look on her face)
Harper: (transforms into old Juliet) Eh? How do I look?
Alex: (lying) Great! You look great! (serious) Umm...this is a lot more work than I thought. Okay alright. (waves her wand) Transfix, transpose. Make Harper look like young Juliet including the clothes.
Harper: (transforms to young Juliet)
Alex: There you go. (throws her wand to the sofa)
Harper: Testing, testing. Ooh! I even have Juliet's voice! I pale in comparison to Harper Finkle. I've always wanted to hear her say that!
Alex: Okay now go walk around Waverly Place until you bump into Justin.
Harper: And I'll tell him to just move on from Juliet. We'll have a moment but that will be it. Oh, what should we do about the backpack shirt for Max?
Alex: I'll-I'll throw something together.
Harper: Just make sure it's not shoddy workmanship. It's Harper who's making that.
Alex: Don't push it blondie.
Harper: (leaves)

(Flashbacks to when Justin thinks he sees Juliet.)

Harper: (voice over) When Alex turned me into Juliet I had good intentions. But then you started asking those questions and I panicked.
Alex: (hiding)
Justin: (to Max) Max, did you see Juliet go by?
Harper: (comes out from hiding)
Alex: Psst!
Harper: (goes to Alex)
Alex: What are you doing?! You're supposed to be with Justin.
Harper: I panicked.

Justin: (to Harper) That wasn't for Juliet. It was for you Harper. Thank you.
Harper: No problem.
Justin: (pulls out his wand) Transfix, transpose. Make Harper look like herself again including the clothes.
Harper: (transforms back to herself again) Thank you. And when you kissed me I was Juliet so Zeke doesn't have to know about this.

Alex Saves Mason/Wizards Unleashed/Puppy Love (UK) (2010) #3.27[edit]

Harper: (to Max) So, how'd it go?
Max: Pretty good. I ate squirrel, made some new enemies...it was a regular day.
Harper: (to Justin) So, how'd it go? (Justin ignores her) (to Alex) How'd it go? Was it Mason?
Alex: Yes. It was him. But he's being held by some country wizards who grow corn by their beds and have a son with one shoe!
Harper: Oh, good, I thought you were going to say something crazy!

Alex: I can't believe it. My true love is a wolf again! And the fact that I have to use "again" at the end of that sentence just shows how messed up our lives really are.

Justin: There's gotta be a better way of doing this. Maybe there's a wand app. (picks up wand and scrolls through apps) Restaurant Locator...Spell Calculator...Ooh! Here's an application to turn my wand into a light saber! (Justin and Max turn their wands into light sabers and duel) Max! I am your brother!

Justin: Alright, guys, it looks like we're going back to that old trailer in the middle of nowhere to find some magical instruments that'll turn your boyfriend human again. (pauses) You're right, our lives are messed up.

Justin: (to Mason, who is in wolf form and is howling) What is it, boy? What are you trying to tell us? Is there trouble at the old mill?

Zeke: (after Mason turns back into human) Did you guys see that? DID YOU SEE THAT! He was all 'hello love' blahblaeghblaheghblah! WHAT IS GOING ON?!
Justin:: Uh, well I totally understand the confusion with the blahhehhblah uh, i got-Max?
Max: Oh, now you want my help?
Zeke: Would someone please tell me what is going on, because I just saw your pet sled dog from Greenland, who lives in a veggie cooler, turn into a HALF-HUMAN HALF-BEAR HAIRY CREATURE THING!! WHAT IS GOING ON?!! I DESERVE SOME ANSWERS!!
Harper: (kisses him and he faints)

Alex: Mason, I'm sorry. What we have is so much stronger than any of that superficial stuff. The most important thing to me is that you're back and we're together. I love you, no matter what.
Mason: I don't know if I can believe you.
Alex: Then let me prove it.
Mason: How?
Alex: The same way people have been doing it for centuries now. By slow dancing to a romantic pop song.

Wizards Exposed (2010) #3.28[edit]

[After the family is taken away]

Harper: I will not panic. I will not panic. I will not panic...AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! [runs into the storage room screaming]

Alex: [burps at Agent Lambwood's face then laughs] I'm not telling you guys anything.

Professor Crumbs: [in shackles] They came for us, all of us.

Russo Clones: We're the real Russos! [runs off]

Jerry: I know how much is in the register! AND I EXPECT IT TO BE THERE WHEN I GET BACK!

(Justin walks into the cell after being up for examination)
Justin: I brought a...hamburger. (Max takes it out of his hands and starts eating it)
Alex: They gave Justin a hamburger, he must have rolled over! What did you tell them?!
Jerry: Did you tell them we're you-know-whats?!?! (Justin nods. Alex and Jerry gasp in shock)
Theresa: Did they let you use the bathroom? WAS IT WORTH IT?

Harper: Somebody took the Russo's! I think they're from the government.
Mason: Oh my. I'll get Professor Crumbs. He'll know what to do! (think for a minute) Well, he might not, but at least I'll look like a hero for notifying him!
Harper: Wha-Wait! What should I do while you're gone?
Mason: Just stay here. That's what heroes say. I'll be back in a jiffy. [walks into to portal]
Harper: [once Mason is gone] What kind of hero says 'jiffy'?

Alex: Mason! How did they catch you?
Mason: I was admiring myself in the mirror with this hat on when they snuck up behind me.
Alex: How does someone sneak up behind you while you're looking in a mirror?
Mason: Well, I was very much admiring my hat.

Alex: Quick, pick a color!
Justin: Chartreuse.
Alex: Pick a SHORTER color!

Season 4[edit]

Alex Tells The World (2010) #4.01[edit]

Alex: [on Mason's back and jumps off] Whew, we're back. Hm, long walk!
Mason: [breathing heavily] Yep! For some of us it was!
Alex: Excuse me! My arms are tired from hanging on and trying to steer. Your ears are really tiny but really cute. [smiles]
Mason: [smiles and rubs his ear]
Justin: While we were stuck in that government facility I was afraid I would never see Waverly Place again. I missed you. [kisses the ground] There's definitely a horse parade here recently.
Jerry: [exhausted] I must have lost thirty pounds on that walk. Do you know how long it's going to take me to gain them back?
Justin: Why is the Sub Station all boarded up?
Theresa: Oh gosh. I gotta get in there! I wanna take a bath without someone yelling at me, "Hey lady, get out of my pool!" [bangs on the door]
Harper: Go away government agents! I have a soda gun and its loaded with root beer!
Jerry: Harper, it's us! We escaped from the government guys!
Harper: I'm not falling for that! The real Russos are too lame to escape from anywhere.
Alex: Harper!!! [bangs on the door] Open up!! We'd flash in there but we don't have our powers. We only got back by hitching rides, taking buses, and a lot of walking.
Mason: [whips his head to her] YOU DIDN'T WALK AT ALL!!! YOU HAD ME CARRY YOU LIKE A CAMEL!!! [smiles] Love.
Harper: Too lazy to walk? Oh Alex it really is you! All right, hold on. I'll let you in. I just have to dismantle a bunch of booby traps I set up to protect myself.

[Outside the Russos and Mason hear a bunch of noises inside. The doors open and Harper walks in wearing knight armor.]

Harper: Hi guys.
Theresa: [walks into the Sub Station] It's so good to be home! (gets hit from one of the traps) Ah! (falls down)
Harper: Oops. I forgot to get rid of that one.

Theresa: You think they'd want anything to do with us anymore? You guys don't even have your powers. You're nothing without them. Nothing. (puts on the ice pack)
Justin: Guys come on. There's something wrong with the portal.

(Alex, Mason and Jerry follow Justin into the lair.)

Justin: I can't contact anybody in the Wizard World. I've tried WizCom, WizPhone, WizText, and just straight up yelling into the thing. (opens portal door) Hello! Are you listening?
Mason: Nothing but a WizEcho.
Alex: (snorts) It's just a regular echo, Mason. We don't put "wiz" in front of everything.
Jerry: Look! The Wizmergency Wizlight is on! That means the powers are still down. Oh no, the government must have captured everyone.
Alex: This is bad. That means they still have Professor Crumbs too. (goes in the restaurant kitchen and goes on the phone) Hello? I'd like to speak with the officer in charge.
Jerry: What are you doing?
Alex: I'm calling the police. We have to do something to save the Wizard World. Hello officer yes I'd like to report-
Justin: (grabs phone) That you are doing a great job. Yep. Keep it up. Love ya! (hangs up phone) Alex! What were you gonna tell them?
Alex: (trying not to laugh) Not that I love them.
Justin: People don't hear it enough. Alex, you know you can't reveal magic.
Max: Even I know that. That's why I just make people think I'm dumb. So if I slip up they'd figure, "Ah that kid's an idiot." I slip up all the time so...who's dumb now?
Jerry: Alex, you can't call the police. We just need to lay low for awhile until this blows over and do nothing.
Alex: The wizard world is captured and you want us to do nothing? Fine. (goes upstairs)
Theresa: The one time we ask the laziest girl on Earth to do nothing, she wants to do something!
Mason: I'm just happy she didn't ask me to carry her up the stairs.

Alex: Attention! Attention everyone! Listen, I know you're all here because I told you that Lady GaGa would be on a motorcycle jumping over a shark tank (Mason makes hand gestures and whooshing sounds) Yes, okay but that was just a front to get you here. There's something much more important.
Reporter: What can be more important than GaGa?
Alex: The government has unfairly taken an entire population of Wizards hostage. I know because I'm a wizard too.
Mason: (makes "Ta-da! Here she is!" gesture)

(Jerry and Theresa walk in shocked.)

Theresa: Alex!
Jerry: What are you doing? (to the press) This is a prank. You can all go now. Sorry!
Press: (starts to walk off mumbling in agreement)
Alex: No! It's true! Look! Those are my bothers! They're wizards too!
Mason: And I'm a werewolf! Grr! Hiss! Grr!

(after the judge brings in a crystal ball)
Jerry: We're gonna watch TV? Oh, now I really wish they had a food court. I can't watch TV without a corn dog.
Theresa: (grabs her purse and pulls out a corn dog in a bag) Here, I was saving it to keep you quiet at church...just eat it. (she gives it to him and he takes a bite of it)

Alex: Seriously, I get a lawyer named Mr. Loser? What's your first name?
Mr. Loser: It's Big Time.
Alex: Big Time Loser?! Come on!

Professor Crumbs: Game, set and match. I'm off to tennis. (flashes away)

Alex Gives Up (2010) #4.02[edit]

Theresa: CUCUYS! I PROMISE I'LL BEHAVE MAMA! I'M SORRY! [continues screaming and runs upstairs]

[Justin and Max are walking downstairs.]

Justin: What was she saying?
Max: It sounded like she was ordering a number four from Fiesta Express.

Justin: Future wizard?! [takes the magazine] What?
Max: Oh, that's me.
Justin: [looks at Max then grunts angrily] You didn't even win the competition! That's it! I'm doing whatever it takes to get back into this thing. But first, I'm going to draw a silly mustache and maybe a uni brow to express my discontent. [goes into the storage room]

Mason: Oh, now I get it. I just thought Alex was being uncharacteristically generous.
Alex and Harper: [laughing]

Alex: Hey everyone! Who wants to play a game called "Embarrass Your Boyfriend"! I'll go first! Did you know that Mason told me he sleeps in a nightgown and cap like Ebeneezer Scrooge? (all but Mason laugh)
Mason: What are you doing? I asked you to never tell anyone that!
Alex: I'm sorry Mason. Are you getting upset? Oh! here's another one! Did you know that Mason can only ride in a car when his head is sticking out the window and his tongue is flapping in the wind?! (all but Mason laugh)
Mason: Alex, stop! You're making me mad!
Alex: Oh, and here's the best one! Mason cries if you even SAY "Old Yeller" (turns to Mason quickly) OLD YELLER!
Mason: (turns his back to others, crying) STOP IT!

(All but Mason laugh)

Lucky Charmed (2010) #4.03[edit]

Harper: That is the saddest thing I have ever seen.

Mr. Laritate: Pull over there. I have to get something healthy to eat to calm my nerves.
Alex: That's a donut shop.
Mr. Laritate: I'll get the ones with the fruit in the middle!

Alex: You see this is what I get for helping you out while you where driving.
Harper: I didn't ask for your help.
Alex: I was helping me. I wanted to live.
Harper: I don't need your help. I'm going to pass the drivers test all by myself.
Alex: Well I don't need you either. I can clean all the garbage cans by myself, and what am I going to need to do that? Do I need like a rag or a, or a brush or spray? No? FINE!

Jerry: Hey Justin. It looks like you are going to win the wizard competition, so I am going to pass the family robe down to you now.
Justin: Ah, what an honor.
Jerry: Its good.
Alex: I have finished my oil painting.
Harper: Coconut cream pies are done.
Max: this is a box of mud.

Journey to the Center of Mason (2010) #4.04[edit]

Dean: Yo Russo! I'm back! Wanna smooch?

Max Look! Now she's all over him. That's Dean Moriarty.
Mason I'm sure she's just brushing some filthy dandruff off his shoulder. He doesn't look clean.
Max Dude, you rolled around in a dead squirrel the other day.

Justin: Let's learn the Up and Atom spell.
Tyler: Or we could learn the Kick Back and Chill spell instead. It goes like this. Abra- [puts foot up on table] Cadabra! (puts other foot up and table and puts hands behind head).

Alex: Mason! (sees a trail of rose petals on the floor) Rose petals? What did you do? We're suppose to stay friends.
Mason: Those aren't from me, but I have my suspicions.
Dean: (outside) Hey yo Russo! Like my flowers?
Mason: Suspicions confirmed.

Mason: Grr.
Max: Grr.
Mason: Grr.
Max: Grr.
Mason: Grr.
Max: [quietly] Why are we doing this?

Mason: (burps then smiles nervously) I ate Dean.
Alex and Harper: (shocked)
Max: (gives Mason a thumbs up)
Alex: Mason! You can't just go around eating people! This isn't-this isn't-(turns to Harper) What place are we trying to think of Harper?
Harper: No place! There's no place where you can just go around eating people!
Mason: I'm sorry.
Alex: You're sorry?! How could you do this?!
Mason: Well it was easy because his hair was greasy and then he kinda got stuck at the shoulders.
Max: Yeah so then this guy started choking so then I just shrunk Dean down and made him easier to eat. :(pats Mason's back)
Alex: (looks at Harper)
Mason: Alex, I'm sorry. I saw how well you were getting along with Dean and I guess I got a little jealous.
Alex: THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN EAT HIM!
In the lair:
(Alex, Harper, Max and Mason run inside the lair to get Justin.)
Alex: Justin! Justin! We need your help! Mason ate Dean.
Justin: Not now Alex. I'm trying to through to my class. HE ATE DEAN?!
Felix: The hairy guy ate somebody?
Max: Yeah, he's a werewolf.
Tyler: Nice!
Alex: Justin please! We have to find a way to get Dean out of Mason.
Felix: Let's cut him open!
Mason: Let's not cut him open! He's a very nice guy.
Harper: Nice guy? You ate somebody!
Tyler: Dudes, let's all shrink down with the Up and Atom spell, go inside him, and then bounce around his stomach until he barfs up Dean!
Class: [agrees]
Alex: Okay, next!
Justin: No, no, no, no. Tyler might be onto something here.
Tyler: Sweet!

Justin: Okay, we're gonna need some kind of fully functional miniature submarine.
Alex: I know where we can get one. (waves wand and a small cow-patterned box appears on table)
Justin: No. Not my Captain Jim Bob Sherwood fully functional Country Cow submarine! If I open it it will be worth nothing!
Alex: Justin.
Justin: No.
Alex: Going inside Mason's body would be the greatest adventure anyone could ever have. Jim Bob would jump at the chance.
Justin: You...are right. (grabs box) This is a Captain Jim Bob job. (opens box reluctantly) Ah! It smells new.

Alex: I still don't understand why a submarine crew has to dress up like cows.
Max: Cows? I thought we were dalmatians. Now it's just weird.
Justin: Country cow submarine? What a crew. (shows Harper to the Abracadoodler) Okay, I've turned the Abracadoodler into a submarine tracking sonar scope.
Harper: (sits down) Oh perfect. I can't wait to not know what to use this for.

Justin: Mason. You are going to swallow us. You are going to swallow us, not chew us.

Justin: Turn on the reverse thrusters! Max: 'Kay. [presses button] [wipers come on] Justin: [angrily] Max, YOU TURNED ON THE WINDSHIELD WIPERS!


Alex: I'm going to get back into the wizard competition and I'm going to win...for us.

(In Sub Station; Dean is coming to)
Dean: What happened? What are you guys wearing? And WHAT AM I COVERED IN?!
Justin: Alex you got this one right? (walks away)
Harper: She lives for these moments! (follows Justin)
Max: Simon says follow them! (follows Harper)
Alex: Um, okay, well, you see, Dean you got knocked out by a flying bowl of oatmeal. And we called the doctor, and he said the only way to wake you up was to dress up like cows.
Mason: (to Alex) Really? That's your story?
Alex: (whispers) Give it a minute!
Dean: That's a good doctor.

(Jerry and Theresa playing Skee Ball. Alex and Mason come out of the Sub Station.)
Alex: Mom, dad, I have some really exciting news. I've decided to get back in the Wizard Competition.
Theresa: (distracted by Skee Ball) It's in the drawer with the dead batteries. A hundred, Jerry!
Alex: Are you even listening? I am going to win the Wizards Competition so Mason and I can be together.
Jerry: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Great, honey. (reaches into pocket) Here's twenty dollars. (hands to Alex) Take your own candy. (rolls ball) Ah haha! A hundred and fifty points, Theresa!
Mason: Let me try. I ate Dean today.
Jerry and Theresa: (stop playing) What?!
Alex: He said we're going to the movies. Bye! (the episode ends as Alex and Mason run down the street)

Three Maxes and a Little Lady (2011) #4.05[edit]

Alex: Justin, please tell me-oooh, cotton candy! (takes a piece of the swirl)
Jerry: Max was in it.
Alex: [drops the cotton candy]

Alex: Yes you did. [in a baby voice] You're the best brother ever.
Justin: Get out!
Alex: [skips happily to the portal door]

Justin: The key to mastering a spell is focusing your inner wizard and summoning all your power. It's a little something I like to call "Using the Force".
Felix: The Force? Dude, you ripped that off of Star Wars!
Justin: Or did they rip it off from me...? [tries to use the Jedi mind trick on Felix]
Felix: And you ripped that off, too!

Justin: Alex, why are you wasting my time? You were suppose to transform into Justin Bieber not "Just a beaver."
Alex: [as a beaver] What went wrong? I did the spell correctly!

Max: [enters the lair from the portal] Hey guys. So I moved up the wizard competition to Monday at 4pm. Let's just get this thing done. [leaves]
Justin and Alex: WHAT?!
Alex: I can't believe that Max moved up the final wizard competition! Is that even legal?
Justin: [reading a book] Yeah the Wizard Competition Code states it. Only Max can change the date back. Okay, don't worry about it. I'll...go talk to him. I can reason with him.
Alex: Say that last sentence again.
Justin: I can reason with him. [realizes what he said] I will...distract him with something shiny.

Daddy's Little Girl (2011) #4.06[edit]

Harper: [to Alex] Alex, I think you're being replaced as daddy's little girl.
Alex: [mildly annoyed] Please, I'm daddy's little girl. [referring to 'Max/Maxine'] That is daddy's little freak.

Justin: Hmm. Looks like the little girl shoe is on the other foot, and it fits well. [leaves]

Maxine: [gazing at her reflection backstage, at the dojo] PIGTAILS? LOLLIPOP?!? You didn't change me back,you made me CUTER! Get ready,because Maxine is going to be your cutest nightmare. EVER.

Alex: Glad your little girl's okay. [leaves]

Everything's Rosie for Justin (2011) #4.07[edit]

Alex: Yes. How is it possible that you and I are related?

Alex: It doesn't even look that hard. It's just a little pamphlet. [opens the pamphlet to reveal more] Little bit. [opens pamphlet more and stretches it out to Justin] More. [opens the paper more] Oh, this is going to take me, like, three days to close up!

Alex: You're going to throw away everything that we've been working so hard on to get back into the competition for some girl that you barely even know.
Justin: I know her.
Alex: Good, 'cause I have no idea who you are.

Alex: You know what you guys need? An inspirational speech. [stands up on a chair] Okay, we can succeed without Justin. If we believe in each other, we can accomplish anything we set our minds to. So I say, fellow delinquents, we can do it, I think.
Alex and the class: We can do it, I think. We can do it, I think. We can do it, I think!
Alex: Yeah! I think.

Felix: Yes! We did it! You're my new Mr. Justin but pretty.
Alex: Aww. [blushes and hides her face behind the paper]

Alex: [casts a spell] This that, copycat. [casts spell on Rosie then put her wand in her boot]
Rosie: [puts her wand in her boot]
Alex: [same time with Rosie] Did it work? Yep, it worked. It's probably better if we don't talk while we're in there. [flips her hair then goes into the lair with Rosie following]
Justin: Rosie? What are you doing here?
Alex: [same time with Rosie] Justin relax. Everything's fine. Just go with it.
Justin: [whispers] That was so weird.

Alex: [takes off her robe]
Rosie: [takes off her robe and reveals wings from her back]
Justin: [whispers] She's an angel.
Alex: [same time with Rosie] Oh my gosh, she's an angel.

Felix: Plus, he's dating an angel. It's like dating a supermodel with wings.

Dancing with Angels (2011) #4.08[edit]

Justin: Could this date get any worse?
Alex: [speaking loudly on her cellphone] Can you hear me Harper? Yes. No I'm on the terrace now.
Harper: Put down the phone. I can hear better when you yell.
Alex: [takes some food from a plate and walks to the balcony] Ah! Ah! [spits the food out] Ow! That's hot. What was that.
Harper: [below on the ground] Ow! That's hot! What was that?

Cedric: All angels can play the harp and sing. [gives a harp to Alex]
Alex: [turns to Harper] Well here, you're Harper. [gives the harp to Harper]

Justin: She was my second chance at love and now she's gone. [takes off the fake wings and leaves]

Wizards vs. Angels (2011) #4.09/10[edit]

Alex: Mysterious yet obvious. I am on it.

Teresa: [after hanging up the phone] That was Mr. Laritate. He wants to know when Max is returning to school.
Jerry: How are we gonna send Max back to school when he's still "Maxine?" Does he really need to go?
Maxine: [talking to a customer] Okay one BLT coming up. [turns to his mom] Hey Mom, how do you spell BLT?
Teresa: [looks at Jerry incredulously]
Jerry: ...Yeah, he needs to go to school.

Alex: Huh. It's kinda bright. Not very subtle for a hidden location.
Tina: You couldn't find it.
Alex: It was a good point.
Tina: Yeah. But we have to hurry because the light attracts moths so squint and run.
Alex: No, I don't run. [puts on sunglasses]
Tina: [runs into the entrance while Alex walks inside]

Alex: You're not going to give up are you?
Tina: [shakes her head]
Alex: I like you.
Tina: I like you too.
Alex: Hmm. That's unnecessary.

Alex: So why don't you get back to flapping those grungy looking wings right back to- [turns to Tina] Where do angels of darkness live?
Tina: The Dark Realm.
Alex: [turns to Rosie] The Dark Realm!
Rosie: Fine if that's what Justin wants.
Justin: [turns to Alex then Rosie and hugs Rosie]
Alex: [opens her mouth in shock]
Tina: I don't think that's a good bye hug.

Theresa: Harper, honey, we don't want to say that it's a bad idea, but it's just-
Jerry: No Theresa, I think we do want to say that's a bad idea.
Harper: What is so bad about a slumber party? It's what every girl dreams of. If they never experience one they go through life never knowing the joys of friendship cemented with all that giggling, secrets, popcorn, singing, texting, movies, games, pillow fights and-
Theresa: Harper! You never had a slumber party, had you?
Harper: How'd you know?

Gorog: Enjoy your wings, fallen wizard. As we cast our shadow on Earth.

Justin: I'm no longer a wizard. I'm an angel of darkness. [snaps his wand in half]

Rosie: Alex! I need your help
Alex: Well, Whatever it is I don't have time. I have a slumber party to go to. This bag of angry badgers and 6 obnoxious little girls are about to have a screaming contest!
Rosie: No, Alex. Alex, your brother has been held by Gorog.
Alex: Go- shh, shh [makes the badges go quiet]. Gorog? That sounds like a boost you put in your smoothie; excuse me I'll have the strawberry dazzle with vitamin C and a shot of Gorog. I am funny.
Rosie: No, Alex. Gorog is the leader of the angels of darkness. He's going to destroy your brother.
Alex: Then why did you bring Justin to him?
Rosie: Because I didn't know that this was gonna happen, I was tricked too, Alex.
Alex: (laughs) Oh you have to do so much better than that if you want to outlie a liar.
Rosie: No, Alex, I'm telling the truth. I promise please! This was all Gorog's plan and I followed it but I never expected to fall in love with Justin.
Alex: Hold on, are... are you crying? I thought you were an angel of darkness. You're starting to sound good.
Rosie: Well... I guess that's what falling in love does to you. Alex, please there isn't much time, okay? Do the right thing for your brother. I know that there is still some good left in you.
Alex: No there isn't. [turns her head] Wait. Ugh! There is it. A little piece of good. Darn it! Here hold this. [gives Rosie the bag and leaves]
Rosie: [frightened] Alex!

Maxine: Hey, these are supposed to be ninth graders not one hundredth graders.

Alex: You're a wizard. A good one and you know in your heart that you don't belong here.

Gorog: [fighting for Alex's wand against Rosie then they both drop it]
Alex: What? My wand!

Justin: [looking and holding one of Rosie's feathers]
Alex: [enters the lair from the portal] Justin. What are you doing up? It's late.
Justin: I stayed up because I owed you something. [gives Alex her wand] Found it in Washington Square Park. A two headed dog had it. Pretty sure he didn't start out that way.
Alex: [laughs] Thank you. What about your wand?
Justin: [takes out his wand which is bonded together with duct tape] I, uh, will find a spell to fix it. And I owed you something else. [hugs Alex] Thank you for saving me.
Alex: It's for all the times you saved me when I wasn't good. And a couple of more times in the future so we're even.
Justin: No we're not. [sits next to Alex] You saved the world today.
Alex: You gave up a girl to protect it. Why do we have to keep dealing with stuff like this?
Justin: We're wizards. I don't think we have a choice. [nudges Alex]
Alex: [smiles and lays her head on Justin's shoulder]

Back to Max (2011) #4.11[edit]

Alex: [after walking out of the lair while holding the reversal potion] Max, drink this.
Maxine: [eyes the beaker] What is it?
Alex': Since when do you care what you drink?
Maxine: [shrugs and drinks some of the potion and nothing happens]
Alex: It didn't WORK!
Maxine: Was it "burp juice?" [burps] There, it worked.
Alex: [makes a "ha ha,you're so funny face"]

Justin: [enters] Well they didn't change back, you must've left something out of the potion.
Alex: Oh I know whats missing from the potion...
Justin: What?
Alex: [angrily] A little SUPPORT here!

Zeke Finds Out (2011) #4.12[edit]

Zeke: Hey, hey, don't tell her that I'm a wizard. She seems like the kind of person who might take advantage of magic.
Justin: (angrily) Hey! It's my sister you're talking about. (calmly) And you are absolutely right.

Harper: I hope you're happy, Alex. I kept your secret. [leaves]
Justin: Is this as hilarious as you thought it would be?

Alex: (A spell on Zeke) This is no longer cute put his voice on mute.

Magic Unmasked (2011) #4.13[edit]

Alex: Blah, Blah, Blah...

Meet the Werewolves (2011) #4.14[edit]

Beast Tamer (2011) #4.15[edit]

Wizard of the Year (2011) #4.16[edit]

Misfortune at the Beach (2011) #4.17[edit]

Alex: [reading fortune] Say good-bye to your life...

TV Reporter: [To little girl who got Alex's old fortune] Say good-bye to your life because you just won a million dollars!
Alex: What?! That's my money! [Tries to run at girl while Harper and Justin hold her back.]That's my money!!!

Family Wizard (2012)[edit]

Juliet: Ohh Professor Boo Bo Mu cutie Kins

Dad: Max, since Alex and Justin are keeping their powers, we're giving the Sub Station to you. It's going to be yours one day.

Max: So, Alex and Justin keep their powers and I get the Sub Station... That's awesome.... Hey guys, I get the Sub Station!

Justin: Ha!

Alex: Hey, check it out we're all happy at the same time.