Young Dracula

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Young Dracula is a Show done by the BBC. it follows Vladimir Dracula, the Son of Count Dracula and Magda Westernra, although he doesn't wish to be a vampire and to lead a normal life.

Contents

Season 1[edit]

When You're a Stranger [1.01][edit]

Vlad: All my life, I've wanted to fit in. To be ordinary. So I thought moving to a new town would be my chance. A chance to be normal. But I was forgetting one little thing: I'm a vampire.


Ingrid: I hate you more than garlic!


(When Ingrid finds out Robin has discovered the family are vampires.)

Ingrid: Listen to me, meat-face! Swear by all that is morbidly evil not to tell anyone about us on pain of a long and gruesome death!

Robin: You're very pretty.

Ingrid: Yes, I am. Now swear!

Robin: I swear.

Ingrid: Good, now let's get you out of here before my father decides to have you for dinner and us for dessert.


Vlad: Can we have something normal like a hamburger?

Count Dracula: A person from Hamburg?

Vlad: No!


Vlad: I hate being a vampire! It really sucks.

Zoltan: Isn't that rather the point?


Ingrid: I can't believe you were so dumb! Do you have any idea what Dad would've done if he caught us talking to those Breathers?

Vlad: Cut our allowance?

Ingrid: And our throats!

Count: (from behind them) Oh, I think you underestimate me, my darling children.

Vlad: (to Ingrid) Split up, then perhaps one of us will live...


Robin: My neighbour's a vampire! Excellent!

First Day of School [1.02][edit]

Vlad: So this is school.

Robin: Yeah. It's a bit like a prison, only sometimes people escape from prison.


Van Helsing: I know what your father does; feeding on the innocent, bleeding them dry!

Robin: He's a plumber, yeah. If that's what you mean.


(Outside the headteacher's office.)

Vlad: Chloe, please I'm not gonna hurt you.

Chloe: Get back! Or I'll knock, you freak!

Vlad: I'm not a freak! Look, you've gotta trust me. I'm just a normal kid like you or Robin... I mean... I don't get my fangs until I'm sixteen, look...

[Lifts his top lip and shows his teeth.]

Chloe: You've... erm... got a bit of spinach.


(When Van Helsing confiscated Vlad's brooch.)

Robin: Can't you just tell your Dad you lost it?

Vlad: Oh, yeah. If I want him to kill me!

Robin: Well, that's alright. You're dead already!


Chloe: (to Vlad) I don't understand. Shouldn't you be in Transylvania?

Robin: Close encounter with an angry peasant mob.

Vlad: We've come here to keep a low profile.

Chloe: Really? Well try and not bring your cape into school next time.


Vlad: So you promise you won't tell anyone... else that I'm a vampire?

Robin and Chloe: Cross my heart and hope to die.

Count Dracula: Which is sooner than you think!

Mummy Returns [1.03][edit]

Magda: Hello Darlings!


Vlad: Wow, I never realized doing homework could be so much fun.

Robin: You're kidding?! I'd rather have my tongue pulled out.


(When Ingrid asks Magda to stay at the castle.)

Vlad: You did what?!

Ingrid: Don't you want to see her?

Vlad: Sorry, which mum are we walking about? Coz I'm thinking about the backstabbing witch from Hell one!

Robin: Cool! At least she sounds like a proper vampire. I mean, you two haven't got a fang between you.


Chloe: Magda is in league with Mr. Van Helsing! She's gonna marry the Count and then bump him off!

Robin: (Excited) Wow! That's really evil!... And wrong, of course.

Slaytime Tv [1.04][edit]

Renfield: Are we all ready to spin the wheel of DNA?

Chloe: If this is science, I'm a banana.

Renfield: Shut it before I peel you, clever clogs! This is Transylvanian science; much more accurate than boring British science.

Count Dracula: And it's entertaining.


Vlad: Dad, you promised to be careful. Do I need to spell it out for you? M-O-B.

Count Dracula: I am Count Dracula, not spell Dracula.

Ingrid: M-O-B spells angry peasant mob howling for your dust.

Count Dracula: I know that, but I'm bored.


Van Helsing: Now, what do you say if she invites you up to see her coffin?

Jonathan: "I'm not that sort of boy"?


Robin: So I'm not a vampire after all? But I was so sure.

Vlad: I know. You were selfish. You betrayed your friends, you were totally inhuman.

Robin: (smiling) You mean...

Vlad: Just because you aren't a vampire doesn't mean you can't be evil.

Robin: Thanks, Vlad. You're my best mate, you that don't you?

Vlad: Robin, I'm your only mate.

Robin: Exactly.

Home Education [1.05][edit]

(When Vlad gets suspended from school.)

Zoltan: I have composed a poem to celebrate your great acheivement:

"There once was a vampire called Vlad, who was terribly naughty and bad. He got suspended from school and learnt to be cruel, so now he can fang-out with his Dad."


(When the Count home schools Vlad after Vlad and Robin get suspended from school when they get blamed for Ingrid's vandalism.)

Elizabeth Branagh: Please, will you teach Robin? He can't afford to fall behind in his schoolwork he's doing badly enough as it is.

Robin: Thanks for the vote of confidence, Mum.


(When the Count is teaching Vlad hypnotism.)

Count Dracula: Now, remember Vlad. The key to hypnotising your victim is to look deep... into their eyes.

Robin: Feeling a little uncomfortable with the word 'victim'.


(When Ingrid is about to hypnostise the Count back to himself again.)

Count: Hey, Princess. How's it hanging?

Ingrid: Dad, I want you to look into my eyes, deep into my eyes.

[The Count looks at Ingrid and her eyes change yellow.]

Count: You know Ingrid, you are growing up to be a lovely young lady.

Ingrid: (taken back and her eyes change back to normal) Really?

Count: I've been reading your school report, and I just know you can do a whole lot better. I am here for you. We can sit down and work this thing out.

Ingrid: (disbelievingly) You want to spend time with me?

Count: As long as it takes.

Ingrid: But you never want to spend time with me.

Count: That's all going to change. Come here, I love you, Ingrid.

[Pulls her into a hug.]

Ingrid: (almost tearfully) I love you too, Dad.

[She clearly appreciates this, but then she pulls away from him, looking sad.]

Count: Hey, what is it, sugar-plum?

Ingrid: This wrong... all wrong.


(When everyone agrees to un-hypnotise the Count back into a vampire and the Branagh parents back into Breathers.)

Chloe: Will Mum and Dad still be after my blood?

Ingrid: Unfortunately not. They won't remember a thing. Lucky them!

Toothache [1.06][edit]

(When Ingrid is disguising Robin as her boyfriend.)

Ingrid: If I can't prove I've got a boyfriend Dad's gonna send me off to Transiberia!

Chloe: (Smirking) Oh, dear! Send us a postcard when you get there!


(When Vlad is worrying his fangs are coming through and Chloe tries to reassure him.)

Chloe: You're not going to bite me.

Robin: I hope not. I wouldn't wanna miss that!


Robin: Morning, gorgeous!


(Chloe wakes up screaming the next morning after Vlad's sleep over as she has found fang neck wounds.)

Chloe: What've you done to me?!

Zoltan: Congratulations, Master Vlad! Your first bite.

Vlad: NO! What am I gonna do?!

Chloe: Excuse me! I'm the victim here! What happens to me now?!

Zoltan: Welcome to the family, Mistress Chloe!


(Jonathan yells in class when he sits next to Robin who's wearing face paint and fake fangs.)

Robin: Chill out, dude. It's just make up.

Jonathan: (awkwardly) Yeah, I knew that. I was just humouring you.


Robin: I love it when you growl like that!

Parent's Night [1.07][edit]

Elizabeth: Now Robin, it doesn't matter what your teachers say tonight as long as you've gotten over this morbid obssession with vampires.

Robin: Yes, Mum.

Graham: And if not we've decided to send you to Happy Camp.

Robin: Happy Camp?!

Graham: It's where troubled children go and learn how to be happy.

Elizabeth: Through happy music and happy dance.

Robin: Oh, just kill me now!


Head Teacher: Robin is certainly a very creative child and had written some very interesting essays.

Graham: That's great, may not have to go to Happy Camp after all.

Head Teacher: Yes, there's; "Why I Love Vampires", "My Best Friend's a Vampire", "Why I Want to be a Vampire", "Harry Vampire and the Goblet of Bats".


Ingrid: Stake wielding zombie!


(When the Count and the Great Chandu are having a re-match after their last chess game.)

Vlad: (After searching Chandu's pocket) Spare pieces! No wonder you couldn't beat him!

Count Dracula: Of all the scheming, conniving... actually why didn't I think of that?


Vlad: I can't believe Dad only came to Parents' Evening to get his revenge on Mr. Van Helsing!

Ingrid: Stop whinging! At least he didn't find out he was a slayer.

Vlad: I suppose I've just gotta accept it; our family's not normal.

Ingrid: Who'd want to be normal? I mean, look at him.

[Gestures to where Robin and Chandu are playing chess.]

Robin: Checkmate! Who's the loser! Who's the loser! Go loser! Go loser! Go loser!

Vlad: (to Ingrid) Fair point.

13th Birthday [1.08][edit]

Crone: (To Robin) Do you prefer French blood or Italian?

[Robin thinks anxiously.]

Atilla: Tick, tock! Tick, tock!

Ingrid: (Raising her hand) Oh, I know! I know!

Crone: Let him answer!

Robin: Neither, they both taste of garlic.

Crone: I approve.


(After Vlad describes his Grandparents' strictness in upholding vampire tradition.)

Vlad: If they knew what my life was like here...

Robin: They'd kill you?

Vlad: Well... no. They'd send me back to Transylvania. To a vampire boarding school. No friends, no family, no daylight ever again. I'd spend the rest of eternity lurking around in the shadows. Can you imagine anything worse?

Robin: (Awed) Wicked!


(When Chloe gives Vlad a sunlamp for his birthday.)

Chloe: You said you wanted to get rid of that ghostly complextion.

Robin: That's not all he'll get rid of if the Count gets his hands on it. (Impersonates the Count) ARRGGHH! I'm melting! I'm melting!

Living with the Branaghs [1.09][edit]

(When the Count plans to marry Mrs Branagh.)

Robin: (to Ingrid and Chloe) I've just realised something, if we can't stop this marriage, you two will be step sisters.

[Ingrid looks horrified.]

Chloe: Eurgh! I'd rather be undead!


Count Dracula: As you would say, my dear children. Talk to the cape coz the face ain't listening!


(The Count twists Renfield's ear when he regrets putting cockroaches on the Count's dinner after they escaped.)

Renfield: Please, Master. If you twist any harder my ear's gonna come off!

Ingrid: He's right. Go on, just one more turn!


Robin: Yes! Just three more hours and two whole days of no school!

Vlad: I kinda miss it.

[Robin gives him an exasperated look.]

Robin: And people think I'm weird.


Vlad: I wish Dad would shut the crypt door when he's punishing Renfield. You can hear the screams all over the castle.

[Ingrid gestures to the jar of cockroaches.]

Vlad: You put the cockroaches in the study! You cunning, devious... I'm impressed.

Ingrid: Needs must. There was no way I was having a Breather for a stepmother.

Vlad: Bit rough on Renfield though... getting all the blame.

Ingrid: Yeah.

[Slight pause before the two burst out laughing.]

Rugby [1.10][edit]

Vlad: I'm on the team, Robin!

Robin: (sarcastically) Oh, I'm so jealous!


(When Vlad makes the rugby team.)

Count: My noble son has finally brought glory to the family name.

Ingrid: Except he didn't use deceit... or break a single rule...

Vlad: Ingrid!

Ingrid: Or cheat!

Count: (shocked) Vladimir, is this true?


Robin: I just had a terrible nightmare! I was playing rugby!

Chloe: And?

Robin: No, that's it.


Robin: Come on, Vlad! Rip his legs off!


(While watching Vlad during the rugby tryouts.)

Robin: That's it, Vlad! Tackle him! Tackle him! Yeees! Oh, ok, no! Well, get up then! What's wrong with you?! It's only a knee you've got another one!

[Chloe gives him a look.]

Robin: What?

Chloe: Robin, I'm so proud of you. Who'd have thought it? Gloom-cookey Robin is a real Branagh after all.

Father's Day [1.11][edit]

Vlad: So Father's Day is basically a way of conning your Dad?

Robin: Your point is?

Vlad: Got any spare cards?


Count Dracula: In your face, peasant!


Vlad: Fighting doesn't prove anything!

Count Dracula: Of course it does, it proves who's best at fighting!


Robin: Dad, you're not really gonna fight a vam... a vastly superior fighter like the Count?

Graham: Don't be so surprised, when I was in the cub scouts I came second in the Boxing Championship.

Robin: Mum said you lot to a girl.

Graham: Brownies can be vicious.


Count Dracula: As a caring father, I wish you luck with your twisted habit of sleeping at night. How was that?

Vlad: Hmmm, not good to be honest.


(When Chloe tried to encourage Renfield to fight for his rights.)

Renfield: I demand... (thinks) rec-ognition!

Count Dracula: Well, of course I recognise you! You're that disgusting, smelly imbecile Renfield!

Renfield: Oh, thank you, Master!

Halloscream [1.12][edit]

Elizabeth: I'm not happy about leaving you on your own tonight. You know how you get at Halloween.

Robin: I'm going to Vlad's, anyway you can trust me.

Graham: That's what you said last year. We stil haven't finished re-plastering.

Robin: That wasn't my fault; pumpkins aren't suppossed to explode.

Graham: And the year before?

Robin: Like the doctor said, that broomstick was an accident waiting to happen.


Robin: Zoltan, I need your advice. I've got this problem.

Zoltan: Bathe it in warm water and keep it bandaged over night. That works for me.

Robin: Err... no. I mean, should you do what's best for yourself or what's best for your friends?

Zoltan: Ah, most people would say you should put the wellbeing of others before your own. Look at me, I have never been selfish. And now... I'm stuffed, ignored, mounted on wheels.


Robin: Come out, come out, wherever you are... I know you're in here.


Vlad: Halloween affects Dad like a lit match in a fireworks factory.

Zoltan: Even a sausage through the heart wouldn't subdue him.

Chloe: You mean a stake.

Zoltan: Oh, yes. You see the Count has banned me from using that word. That word and "bun fight".

[Vlad, Robin and Chloe ponder this for a moment.]

Chloe: Sun light.

Zoltan: Mmm-hmm. "Bun fight" and "sausage".


Robin: I thought you said golf balls made him scream?

Zoltan: Ah, yes. But what I actually meant was G-A-R-L-I-C.

Robin: Garlic. (Realising) The Count's forbidden you from saying that.

Zoltan: Mmm-hmm. "Sausages", "bun fight" and "golf balls".

The Blood Test [1.13][edit]

Zoltan: Ok, first question. If Boris can turn into a wolf in 3 seconds and Inga can turn into a bat in 5 seconds, how long would it take Boris and Inga to storm a peasant dwelling and drink the blood of everyone in sight?


Robin: Let's put an end to all this madness! Ha, ha, ha!


Ingrid: Eeww! What is that smell?

Renfield: Bat phlegm with rosemary.

Ingrid: Eurgh... I hate rosemary!


Vlad: You wanted to see me?

Count: Ah, Vladimir. I fear that you're not trying your best to past this Blood Test. And I know that no son and heir of mine would fail something so straight forward, and if they did, well... they wouldn't be my son and heir for very long.

Vlad: (disbelievingly) Are you saying you'd disown me... if I fail the test?!

Count: No, of course not. I'd just deny all knowledge of your existence.


(When Ian and Paul put a notice on the school board for the football team tryouts.)

Paul: Last year we we're this close to letting the caretaker's dog on the team.

Ian: He's good!


Zoltan: You're not having the best of days are you, Master Vlad.

Vlad: (sarcastically) Erm, let me think; my best friend won't talk to me, my dad's about to disown me... the day I buried my pet turtle in the back garden was my favourite day ever compared to today!

Countdown [1.14][edit]

Count: What a night I've had! Stop what you're doing and prepare to be amazed!

[He reaches into his cape and pulls out a rabbit.]

Vlad: What... you got a job as a magician?

Renfield: Oh, if you need an attractive assistant I look absolutely stunning in sequins.

Count: No, you idiots! I've been out hunting!


(When Van Helsing is caught disguised as a woman at the Hunt Ball.)

Van Helsing: We'll meet again, I promise you that.

Count Dracula: Can't wait. By the way, love the dress!


(When the Branaghs get sent a letter inviting them to the Hunt Ball.)

Elizabeth: That's strange, under dress code it just says running shoes.


(When it is believed that the Count has been slain.)

Ingrid: He's dead?! But he never said anything to me! That's so typical!


Vlad: You're leaving?

Count: But you said you loved me.

Magda: You were dying... I was trying to be nice.

Season 2[edit]

Kidnipped [2.01][edit]

Count Dracula: Slayers will always be our enemy. We shall bite them on the beaches, we shall bite them in the fields and in the streets! We shall bite them in the hills, we shall never surrender!


(When Robin goes to Van Helsing's trailer to find Vlad and Ingrid tied together as Van Helsing's hostages.)

Robin: What're you two doing here?

Ingrid: Having a sing along, what does it look like?!


Vlad: Unless you want us driven out of town again... I suggest we make friends with the slayers.

Count: Friends?! Vampires and slayers can never be friends. We're opposites; sun and moon, night and day, stake and...

Renfield: (holding up a bag) Chips? Anyone?


Van Helsing: Where's your dad?

Ingrid: He's gone to Spain to top up his tan.


Vlad: It'll be dark in a minute and Dad will fly off and kill Van Helsing.

Ingrid: And...

Vlad: We have to stop him!

Ingrid: Have you got sunstroke?! Biting slayers is one of the perks of being a vampire. That and looking great in black.


Van Helsing: (angrily) You're saying coz you live in a castle you're better than me?

Ingrid: No. I'm better than you because I'm a vampire.

The Yanks are Coming [2.02][edit]

Ivan: You're what, just over seven hundred?

Count Dracula: SIX! Six hundred!

Ivan: Whatever, you look closer to a thousand.


(When Olga reveals her plan to kill her father and take over the family once she gets her full powers.)

Ingrid: Yeah, well you don't scare me.

Olga: No? I oughta. I can make your life a misery round here. "Oh, Uncle Count, I wait on my Daddy hand and fang. Would you like me to show Ingrid how?"

Ingrid: Stupid! I'll just tell them all what you're really like.

Olga: Go ahead, who'll believe you? You're the nasty one and I'm nice. Go get off my bed!


Ingrid: Go and make my bed before I dip you in the slime pit.


(When Renfield is serving dinner.)

Ivan: Sorry, didn't I mention I'm vegetarian?

Renfield: I've got some badgers noses, they're more gristle than meat.


(When Ivan reverts back into his bloodsucking ways.)

Vlad: I don't believe this! You said living blood-free was our best chance!

Count: There was no blood-free, it was a fantasy, a delusion, a pathetic dream. Tell them, Ivan!

Ivan: He's right. This is sensational, I haven't felt this undead in years! There's only one way for us to live... UP TO OUR EYES IN BLOOD!

Mirror Mirror [2.03][edit]

Ivan: (to Boris) Get out here, boy! Show me your fangs. Hmmm, a bit underdeveloped, not to worry. We'll start small, just a few cute bunnies.

Boris: You mean kill them?!

Count Dracula: No, take them syncronised swimming, of course kill them!


Zoltan: The surest and most effective cure for vampirism is...

Boris: Yes? Yes?!

Zoltan: A stake through the heart.

Boris: Maybe not.


Ingrid: You think you can challenge the Princess of Darkness?

Olga: No, but I can whip your butt from here to Halloween.

Ingrid: You're on, maggot muncher!

Olga: Ok, whoever completes the most evil deed by tonight is the winner.

Ingrid: And the loser... has to sing and dance with Renfield wearing a frilly, pink dress.


Vlad: (Impersonating Van Helsing) I'm Van Helsing, I'm bald and I stink of garlic!


Vlad: (to Boris) Don't you understand? If we kill our Dads we're more evil than any vampire.

Ingrid: Good point.

[The Count and Ivan enter the room.]

Count Dracula: Vlad, Boris, Olga... the other one, what's going on?

Ingrid: Hello, Daddy. And goodbye!

Vlad: No, NO!

[She smashes the mirror.]

Olga: AAARGGHH! You've turned me into a Breather!

Ingrid: And I've killed your Dad.

Olga: Yeah, whatever.

Count Dracula: Slain by my own daughter! You're so grounded!

Bad Reflection [2.04][edit]

Chloe: Dad, can you help me with my homework?

Mr. Branagh: Course, sweetheart. Now then, what's it to be? Spelling or colouring in?

Chloe: I've got to perform a psychological evalutation of a subject using psychodynamic and cognitive methods.


(While doing a crossword.)

Count: "Numb to sensation", four letters.

Ivan: "Dead".


(While waiting for Boris to come out of the Blood Mirror room.)

Olga: Daddy, how much longer is this going to take?

Ivan: Depends on how much of a fight he puts up.

Vlad: Fight? No one said anything about a fight.

Count: Well, if he's strong it could take all day. But if he's a pathetic, spineless little whimp then...

[The door suddenly opens.]

Ingrid: Well, that answers that!


Vlad You mean he's... he's dead?

[Robin walks in with a party horn.]

Robin Congratulations! Or not. What did I miss?

Ingrid Nothing much. Oh, I broke a nail... and Boris is dead.


Boris: I'm not evil. I'm not evil. (Laughs) Wanna bet?


(When Boris has drained power from Ivan and the Count.)

Ivan: I can't believe my own son could be so wicked and deceitful.

Count Dracula: Yes, yes, when you've quite finished gloating maybe you could use your super sensitive vampire hearing to find the little snake!

Ivan: What?


Ingrid: I wouldn't let Dad catch you sitting there.

Boris: Really? Why's that?

Zoltan: She's right, Master Boris. Only the Count is permitted to sit on the throne.

Boris: Thanks for the warning, but I don't take advise from stuffed dogs.

Ingrid: He's a wolf!

Boris: I wasn't talking to him.

Zoltan: Ouch!


Count Dracula: Where's that imp?! It's time he was taught a lesson!

Ivan: Ten to seven.


Boris: (to Vlad) Just wanna let you know, when it's your turn you'll become just as evil as I am. Just you wait, you can't escape your destiny (laughs). I'll be back! No one can stop me! No one! (Laughs hysterically).

Ingrid: He's lost it. Big time.

Dad's Back [2.05][edit]

(When trying to bring back Renfield's dad in Renfield's labratory.)

Robin: This is so what I wanna do when I leave school!

[He laughs manically until Vlad gives him an exasperated look.]

Zoltan: Don't do this, Master Vlad. Renfield Senior was mad, bad and dangerous to know. And when he sees me, he's going to want revenge!

Robin: Maybe you should nip to the card shop, see what they've got in the Sorry I Accidently Savaged You To Death section.


Ingrid: That's my diary!

Vlad: I'd hate to be the one to show you this, Dad.

Count: (Reading from Ingrid's diary) "My old Dad's a vampire, he wears a vampire cloak... but no one's really scared of him they think he's just a joke..." Ingrid!

Ingrid: But I didn't write that.

Count: (Reading again) "He's getting old and past it and it's very plain to see... his hair is going grey, his fangs are false and his cardigan smells of wee!" I do not wear cardigans!

Ingrid: (to Vlad) And that's not my handwriting!

Count: That is no excuse!


(When Renfield is making dinner at the Branaghs' house.)

Paul: Eurgh! What is it?

Renfield: Road-Kill Stew.

Mrs. Branagh: Oh... how continental.

Robin: Something just moved in there!


(When Zoltan asks Van Helsing for help from Renfield Senior.)

Zoltan: He's going to throw me on the fire if you don't.

Van Helsing: (Shocked) What sort of abomination...

Zoltan: There's no need to be personal! I haven't said anything about your smelly breath.

Van Helsing: I'll free you on one condition... you lead me to the Count.

Zoltan: NEVER! Nothing you can do or say will make me betray my master!

Van Helsing: Fine, I'll leave you to the old man then.

Zoltan: (hastily) It's at the door, turn right, I'll show you the rest of the way!


(When Renfield is trying to stop his father from hurting the Count.)

Renfield Senior: Clear off, Mummy's boy!

Renfield: (angrily) You keep Mum out of this! She was twice the man you are!


(When Renfield made an antidote to return Ingrid's voice.)

Count: (furiously) You gave her the antidote?!

Ingrid: (To Robin and Vlad) That's right, boys! I'm back!

Vlad: Run!

Baby Dracula [2.06][edit]

Ingrid: (To Vlad) What's going on? Sounds like you're in pain... can I watch?


Count: I have some midnight hunting to do!

Ingrid: Off to nibble some sheep again, are we Daddy?

Count: SHEEP?! How dare you! I am the Prince of Darkness! I...

Vlad: Well, just make sure the farmer doesn't catch you this time.


Vlad: Mum's pregnant?! How did this happen?!

Ingrid: Well, when a Mummy and Daddy love each other they make a special wish for a baby!


(After the baby is born.)

Count: Ladies and gentlemen, let me present my new son... Vladimir.

Vlad: Vladimir?! But... that's my name!

Count: Curses, what was the other one?

Magda: Barry.

Count: Barry...

Vlad: What? You're gonna call him Barry?

Count: No, that would be stupid... we'll call you Barry.


(When the Count annoints Vlad as his official heir to the throne.)

Count: Arise, my son and heir! Barry Dracula.

[Vlad stands up, looking outraged, but the Count smiles.]

Vlad: Oh, very funny!

Insomnia [2.07][edit]

Vlad: Ingrid, do you ever have weird dreams?

Ingrid: Only a recurring one where annoying geek of a brother keeps asking me stupid questions.


Ingrid: You don't get to go to the dream world until you're sixteen.

Vlad: What dream world?

Ingrid: The place vampires go when they sleep, bat brain! If you're slain there you die for real.

[Vlad faints.]

Robin: That's not good news.


Vlad: What if there's an evil vampire in my blood after all?

Robin: (amused) Vlad, you still sleep with a teddy bear, dream on!


(When Mina and the Count are taking Vlad to hospital.)

Jonathan: If your dad lays a finger on my Mum...

Ingrid: It's his fangs I'd be worried about!


Vlad: Robin, I can't fall asleep again.

Robin: It's double maths after lunch, you've got no chance.


Count, Robin & Renfield: Vladimir Dominus Imperator Electus.


(When Vlad wakes up in hospital.)

Robin: So, did I become a vampire?

Vlad: Yeah, and yes you were wearing black.

Robin: Cool!

Doctor: (checking Vlad) There's nothing wrong with him.

Ingrid: You wouldn't say that if you had to live with him.

Love Bites [2.08][edit]

(While on the phone to the vampire help-line after Ingrid fails to hypnotise a boy.)

Operator: Has this ever happened before?

Ingrid: No.

Operator: Are you feeling stressed?

Ingrid: No!

Operator: Is the Breather in question attractive?

Ingrid: Well, sort of. But I don't see how that's relevant.

Operator: I'm sorry, I did not understand your answer. Is the Breather in question attractive?

Ingrid: (reluctantly) Yes.

Operator: Does lighting flicker in their presence?

Ingrid: (reluctantly) Yes.

Operator: Duh! You're in love with a Breather.

Ingrid: What?! I AM NOT IN LOVE WITH A BREATHER!

Body Swap [2.09][edit]

(When Ingrid accidently sets fire to the Count's new throne.)

Ingrid: (shocked) I am so undead!

Zoltan: I don't want to say "I told you so"... but I told you so!


Robin: Where do you hold a vampire?


(While looking for the Staff of Carpathia in a museum and checking a map.)

Vlad: Ok, so we're here and the staff is there. Does everyone know where to go? Let's go!

[He, Robin and Chloe go off in separate directions.]

Chloe: (pointing up the stairs) It's this way.

Robin: (to Vlad) I'd go with her, she's usually right.


Robin: Eurgh! It really smells like the plague in here!

Chloe: Sort of familiar though.

[The three smell the air around them.]

Robin: Mouldy cabbage, with a hint of toe jam.

Vlad: Week old armpit sweat.

[An arm is suddenly visible amongst a case with rats in it.]

Vlad, Robin and Chloe: Renfield!

Sweet Sixteen [2.10][edit]

Ingrid's reflection: Bad things come to those who wait!


(When Vlad, Robin and Ingrid are running away from Ingrid's reflection.)

Robin: Vlad, shouldn't a vampire be chasing us?

Vlad: But she's not a vampire, are you, Ingrid? You didn't go through with the transformation.

Ingrid: If you breathe a word of this to anyone I'll... well, I can't bite you, but I'll do something evil!

Robin: I don't get it. I thought you had to transform.

Vlad: I thought so, too. But there's a way out of it, isn't there?

[Ingrid's reflection appears from behind Robin.]

Ingrid's reflection: None whatsoever!

Ingrid: Run!


(When Ingrid finally merges with her evil reflection.)

Robin: Is she dead?

Ingrid: (snarls, then smiles) Not quite!


(When the Count and Magda are duelling.)

Count: Prepare to be dust, you two-timing traitor!

Magda: Eat garlic, you pathetic toad!

Count: Your skin is too pink.

Magda: Your fangs are too short!

Count: You're so... fat. We could carpet the castle with one of your enormous dresses. Ha! Ha!

Magda: (furious) Yes, and we can sandblast the stonework with a whiff of your wormy, soil breath!

Eclipse [2.11][edit]

(When the Count refuses to let Ingrid go on a date with Will.)

Count: Ingrid, remember what happened to the last daughter who challenged me!

Ingrid: I'm your ONLY daughter!

Count: You are now!


(When a policeman remembers Robin reporting a UFO landing several years ago.)

Policeman: Had all the emergency services out at three in the morning.

Robin: But I definitely saw something.

Policeman: Not a shred of evidence.

Robin: Exactly, no evidence that there wasn't a UFO.


(When Mr. Branagh speaks to Vlad about the Count being in trouble with the police.)

Vlad: Look, you don't understand. So we come from Transylvania and live in a spooky old castle, but that doesn't mean we're vampires!

[A mingled look of horror and realisation registers on Mr. Branagh's face.]

Vlad: (slowly) Mr. Branagh?

Mr. Branagh: I just thought he was hunting without a license.

Vlad: Ah...


Count: What's that on your collar?

Ingrid: Nothing!

Count: (sniffing) Blood! Human blood!

Ingrid: (smugly) So, I've bitten a Breather! Guess that makes me the only real vampire in this castle after all!

When Vampires Go Bad [2.12][edit]

Grand High Vampire: You are sentenced to death by dawn.

Count: Don't you mean death at dawn?

Moroi: No, he said death by dawn. We throw you outside and wait for the sunlight do it's thing.

Count: (awkwardly) Yes, I suppose that'd do it.


Vlad: Who appointed you judge, jury and executioner?

Moroi: My card...

Vlad: (reading it) "Justice Moroi; judge, jury and executioner"...

Moroi: Any more questions?

Ingrid: Yeah, do I get a front row seat?

Vlad: Ingrid!

Ingrid: Alright, do we ALL get front row seats?

Grand High Vampire: For your own father's execution? Of course you do!


Vlad: Here's the plan; we run away, you two go first. While they're out looking for you, I rescue Robin. We leave the country and meet up again in Uncle Ivan's place and hide out there till the heat's off.

Count: No. Count Dracula does not run away.

Ingrid: You did last time.

Count: That was different, some of those peasants had really big pitch forks.


(When trying to discover who slayed the Grand High Vampire.)

Renfield: ... and when I got back, the helmet was gone.

Robin: Then what happened?

Vlad: Someone stole it.

Robin: (points at Moroi.) Pretending to be him...

Will: ... and murdered the Grand High Vampire.

Ingrid: Cool!


Robin: You've got to get out of there.

Count: (sarcastically) Oh, well done, Robin. Unfortunately this cage is made of argentalium... it drains vampire powers.

Robin: Can't you just turn into smoke or something?

Moroi: Oh, he'll soon be turning into smoke.


(Justice Moroi picks up a bottle in the Count's room.)

Moroi: Eurgh! Garlic perfume!

Count: I bought that for my wife.

Vlad: You were trying to kill Mum?

Count: No! Just give her a nasty rash.

The Chosen One [2.13][edit]

Vlad: Could I really be the Chosen One?

Robin: You're a rubbish vampire. There's no way it's you.

Vlad: Thanks, Robin.


(During the Grand High Vampire initiation.)

Elizabeth: Somebody and I won't mention any names thinks you're all... vampires.

Count: (laughs) Vampires?

Elizabeth: I know, it's ridiculous.

Vlad: (to the Count) Please, don't do this.

Count: So, because we wear capes, we're vampires?

Elizabeth: He (Graham) has an overactive imagination.

Count: Because we have a penchant for black, we're vampires? Just because we have fangs (laughs evilly) and drink blood, we ARE vampires!

(The other Branaghs are shocked.)

Elizabeth: Oh, my!

Graham: Somehow, saying "I told you so" isn't quite enough.


Robin: I hear with my little ear something beginning with 'awesome'!


Ghost of the Grand High Vampire: (to Vlad) You'll know you are the Chosen One when you sacrifice the life you love to save the family you love.


Ingrid: From now on you will call me Countess Dracula! Watch me as I avenge Will's death and make the streets of Stokely run red with blood! HAHAHAHA!

Season 3[edit]

Hide and Seek [3.01][edit]

(When it's believed Ingrid has perished when Stokely castle was set on fire.)

Zoltan: I'm very sorry for your loss.

Count: I loved her, Zoltan. I know didn't always show it, but I loved her... she was the best castle I ever owned.

Vlad: He was talking about Ingrid!

Zoltan: No, I wasn't.


(After Vlad and Ingrid see each other again after four years.)

Ingrid: You got old.

Vlad: You got sick.

Ingrid: I can look after myself.

Vlad: Yeah? Then why'd you leave Stokely?

Ingrid: I got bored.

Vlad: You got burnt.


(When Vlad brings Ingrid to Garside Grange School.)

Count: Well, well, well. Look what the bat dragged in. (To Vlad) I TOLD YOU NOT TO BRING HER HERE!

Ingrid: Nice to see you too, Dad.

The Enemy Within [3.02][edit]

(When Ingrid takes a potion which has unexpectedly given her facial hair.)

Count: Well, it's certainly an improvement, I can see less of her face.


Vlad: You can't just go round hitting people.

Goody McKeldric: You're right. The next time one of you's naughty I shall cut off a limb.

Vlad: What?

Goody McKeldric: Oh, don't be such a baby.


(When the Count reveals there is a cure to make Ingrid better.)

Count: Transylvanian bat vomit, does the job every time.

Vlad: You're sick and wrong!

Count: Oh... thank you, Vladdy.

Renfield: Open wide.

[Gives the Transylvanian bat vomit to Ingrid, who instantly becomes better.]

Ingrid: What did I ever do to you?

Count: Gloated at my execution, plotted to overthrow me, left me to die!

Ingrid: Hmmm, that.

Faustian Slip [3.03][edit]

Vlad: I'm not doing it, clean up your own mess.

Count: I'm too busy cleaning up your mess! I have to smooth things over with Von Raculad in person.

Vlad: I only posted him to Transylvania, you garliced Goody McKeldric!

Count: There's a big difference!

Vlad: What?

Count: I didn't get caught.


Vlad: I've been TRAINING every night this week!

Count: You still haven't mastered telepathy.

Vlad: I hope you can read this...

[Glares at the Count.]

Count: Actually I can. And in answer, I seriously doubt it would fit.


Erin: That's your Mum?

Vlad: Yeah. Dad's gonna go bats when he finds her here.

Erin: I'm sensing your Mum and Dad have got a few issues?

Vlad: Just the usual; lying, cheating, multiple murder attempts.


(When Magda tricks Vlad into making her his Regent.)

Vlad: I'm cancelling this right now... how do I do that?

Magda: You don't. Only I can cancel the contract.

Vlad: (Teeth gritted) You devious, conniving witch!

Magda: (Slyly) You said all the right things.


(Vlad telepaths the Count to come to Garside.)

Count: I knew you could do it, Vlad. Your message came through clear as a bell; "Come home now, Major A blood for tea."

Vlad: "Major emergency."

Count: Oh, that's not nearly as good.


Vlad: I need your help.

Renfield: (working on a potion) I'm at a critical point.

Vlad: I need you to dress up as a woman and pretend to be Mum.

Renfield: (pause) Nothing that can't wait.

Fangs For The Memories [3.04][edit]

(When talking about life in Stokely.)

Vlad: I had friends, well, one friend.

Erin: Another vampire?

Vlad: No, he was normal. (Clips show of his loyal best friend, the vampire fanatic Robin Branagh.) Ok, he wasn't normal... but I still miss him.


Erin: So, your sister wrecked your life?!

Vlad: It's kind of her thing.

Carpathian Feast [3.05][edit]

Ingrid: I'm back. Twice as gorgeous, three times as evil... make that four times as evil.


(During dinner.)

Renfield: It's the Master's favourite.

Ingrid: And by Master you mean... (gestures Vlad and the Count.)


Wolfie: (to Ingrid) I need to ask you something... about maggots.

Blood Thief [3.06][edit]

Vlad: I'm on fire!

Erin: I'll say!

Vlad: No, really!


(When the Count tells Ingrid to leave Garside.)

Ingrid: But the whole country's crawling with slayers, what if they catch me?

Count: Then I'll lend them a stake!

Ingrid: They'll want to take me alive. They know I'm the Chosen One's sister and then they'll use me to find all of you.

Count: You wouldn't say a thing... would you?

Ingrid: Daddy, I'll draw them a map.

Bad to the Bone [3.07][edit]

Vlad's Evil Reflection: It's like looking in a mirror, isn't it, Vlad?


(When seeing Renfield dressed up as a ballerina.)

Bertrand: That's disturbing on so many levels.


Vlad's Evil Reflection: You're special, Vlad. You don't have one evil reflection... you have a thousand! Together we will be the most powerful vampire ever!


(Once Vlad's evil side has taken over him and he instantly opens the Predictum Impaver.)

Ramanga: Master! Reveal to us our destiny!

Evil Vlad: Tell the others our time is coming... (laughs evilly.)

Bad Vlad [3.08][edit]

(Zoltan has a twisted neck after an injury.)

Zoltan: How could Vlad do this to me?

Renfield: You and stairs make him laugh.


(During the chaos Vlad is causing.)

Renfield: It's the Master, he's in a terrible mood.

Ingrid: Dad did all this?

Renfield: No, not your...

Ingrid: Not my what, Renfield?

[Awkward pause.]

Ingrid: Say it, you servile wart!

Renfield: N-not your father, Miss.

Ingrid: If not Dad then there must be another Master, who?

Renfield: Vl...

Ingrid: Vl...?

Renfield: aaa...

Ingrid: aaa...?

Renfield: d...

Ingrid: Spells?

Renfield: (inaudibly) Vlad.

Ingrid: He's been evil for one day and you're already calling him the Master?!

Renfield: Please don't tell the Count.

Ingrid: It's not the Count you have to worry about... it's me!


(Renfield has been tied and pinned to a corner on the ceiling.)

Count: (Believing Evil Vlad has done it) He's pinned him to the wall that is genius, that is genius!

Ingrid: Thank you!

Count: You? How dare you humiliate Renfield, that's my job.


Evil Vlad: I know your secret, Breather.

Erin: Vlad, please.

Evil Vlad: (sighs exasperatedly) Is that the best you can do?


Erin: Vlad, I'm your friend. I'll get you some blood, you don't need to bite anyone.

Evil Vlad: Oh, I don't need to... bit I want to.


(When Vlad faces his evil side in the Mirror Room.)

Evil Vlad: You took your time. (Smirking) Nervous, are we?

Vlad: I'm not the one who should be nervous.

[There are flashes of light as the two use their powers to fight.]

Evil Vlad: You're never gonna win!

[There flashes again as they continue to fight.]

Evil Vlad: What're you gonna do?! Fight me off forever?!

Vlad: No, no, I'm not! I'm the one in control!

Evil Vlad: Oh, you're not strong enough.

[Vlad then raises his arms so his evil side and his good side can merge together again.]

Evil Vlad: Bad idea.

[He rushes towards Vlad and the two are one again. Vlad then leaves the room looking shaken and is surprised to see Erin waiting for him.]

Vlad: I told you to go.

Erin: I knew you would win. It's over now, isn't it?

Vlad: He's part of me now. How can it ever be over?!

Therapy [3.09][edit]

(When asked about Will, her slain boyfriend from Stokely.)

Ingrid: We were immortal... we were...

Dr. Seward: Soul mates?

Ingrid: As close as I can get to one.


(After a successful therapy session.)

Ingrid: (To Dr. Seward) When I am Queen of Darkness you will be spared.

The Return [3.10][edit]

Ingrid: (hugging him) Vlad!

Vlad: (surprised) You don't do hugs.

Ingrid: I've changed.

Erin: (sceptically) Apparently.

Ingrid: (To Vlad) When you left me to burn in the sunlight I hit rock bottom. In therapy I learned that I have to be happy with who I am and not envy other people. I think you're gonna make a great leader.

Vlad: I've only been gone a week. Right?


(In the throne room the Count, Vlad, Ingrid and Bertrand are discussing the Van Helsings' return. There's a knock at the door and the Count, Ingrid and Bertrand all snarl angrily.)

Vlad: (Calmly) If the Van Helsings were coming to slay us I don't think they'd knock first.


Vlad: Is his mind wipe still secure?

Ingrid: Watch. Jonno?

[Jonno turns around as Ingrid's eyes glow red and she snarls at him exposing her fangs. At this Jonno faints.]

Vlad: Well, don't do that!

Ingrid: It proves the mind wipe's working and it's fun!


Ingrid: What's going on?

Bertrand: I can explain.

Vlad: Betrand thought it would be a good idea to reduce you to a pile of ash. Then frame the Van Helsings for it so that I'd go after them.

Ingrid: Hmm, good plan. Apart from the me bit.

Hit Chicks [3.11][edit]

Ingrid: We're going to start with the assassination of Vladimir Dracula.

Vampire girl: Why?

Ingrid: Because he's the key culprit. Soon he'll be so powerful we'll never be able to oust him.

Vampire girl #2: It's a shame really. He's quite fit.


(When Vlad discovers Erin is a slayer.)

Vlad: Get out! I don't ever want to see you again. GO!

Blood Loyalties [3.12][edit]

(When introducing Renfield to her gang of vampires.)

Ingrid: What d'you think?

Renfield: Do I get a uniform?


(When Erin tells Vlad the Van Helsings have a weapon they are planning to use on the Draculas.)

Vlad: Tell me why I should believe any of this.

Erin: Why else would I come to you?

Vlad: (sarcastically) Oh, I dunno. To slay me and my family?!


Erin: Do you trust me now?

Vlad: Saw you hugging Jonno.

Erin: Oh, that.

Vlad: Yes, that.


(When the Count tells Vlad to leave Erin while they move out of Garside.)

Erin: He knows I just saved his unlife, right?

Vlad: Yeah, he knows. He just doesn't care, it's a vampire thing.


Vlad: You never changed, did you? And you never will.

Ingrid: Finally! You're so easy to fool it's almost painful. I guess it's game on, little brother.

Vlad: Don't try to fight me, Ingrid! I don't want anyone to get hurt.

Ingrid: And that is exactly why I'm going to win. See you at the final battle Chosen One.

All For One [3.13][edit]

(When trying and failing to reveal more writing in the Predictum Impaver with Renfield's blood.)

Ingrid: The book opened for Erin. What's Erin got that Renfield hasn't?

Ryan: Cleanliness?


Wolfie: You're weird.

Renfield: You're half vampire and half werewolf. Now stop with the name calling!


Vlad: Can we please try to get on as a family for the next say... one hundred years?

Count: With me as the Head obviously.

Ingrid: (To Vlad) I thought you said we'd share the power?

Vlad: Actually, what I said was I'd give you the status you deserve.

Count: That'll be equal to a swamp rat then!

Vlad: (To Ingrid) Which'll give you top position as my number two.

Count: No, she can't be your number two, you're my number two, that makes her number three.

Ingrid: No way am I number three!

Vlad: Oh, this is gonna be a long hundred years!

Jonno: Vlad, no biting?

Vlad: No slaying?

Count: No fun!

Season 4[edit]

The Good, The Bad and The Undead [4.01][edit]

(While serving blood at the Garside Blood Bank.)

Renfield: B Positive with a splash of cranberry!

Ingrid: Renfield, this is a bloodbank, not a café!


(After all the donated bags of blood have been slashed.)

Bertrand: Look like claw marks, could be a werewolf.

[Everyone looks at Wolfie.]

Wolfie: It wasn't me.

Ingrid: Fangs can do that. Could be a vampire.

[Everyone looks at Wolfie again.]

Wolfie: Still not me.


Malik: Wanna get some blood the old school way?

Ingrid: Breaking the cease-fire. You're more stupid than you look, which is saying some.


(When Malik spray paints a vampiric symbol on a wall.)

Count: Do you know what the V stands for?

Malik: Vampire?

Count: Veni... Vedi... Voro... I came, I saw, I consumed!


(Vlad puts Erin's hand on his chest.)

Vlad: A stake here and I'd live. Coz you stole my heart!

Erin: (smiling) Really? You're going with that?

Vlad: Don't pretend it's not working.

Erin: What am I gonna do with you?

Vlad: I'll make a list.


(When Malik and his gang arrive for blood at the Blood Bank.)

Malik: (spluttering) What're you trying to pull? This is diluted!

Jonno: Hey! We donated that blood.

Malik: That explains the bitter aftertaste.


Ramanga: I want to see vampires and slayers in the same room getting on!

Vlad: Doing what? Karaoke?

Revamped [4.02][edit]

Vlad: I can revamp you!

[Malik, Ryan and the feral vampires snigger.]

Bertrand: "Revamp", really?

Vlad: I thought it was catchy. Obviously not everyone agrees.


Vlad: It's revamp or rest in peace.

Storm in a Blood Cup [4.03][edit]

(When Vlad is about to meet Adze for the first time.)

Vlad: Are you sure you wanna be here for this?

Erin: Are you kidding? I wanna get a proper look at the competition.

Vlad: There is no competition.

Erin: Right answer.

The Crown of Ludlaw Erant [4.04][edit]

Vlad: (To Ingrid and Bertrand) You find a candidate and we'll put them to the test.

Count: Excellent idea. They can undertake the trial of Grin Apnoire. Three nights in the caves of Carthusia, where they'll face their biggest fear and from where only one... can return.

Vlad: Or alternatively we could do a quiz!


(Renfield tries on the mortarboard given to him for the winner of the quiz by Miss Macaulay.)

Renfield: Yes, it's Professor Renfield at your service!

Murderer in the Midst [4.05][edit]

(When Renfield is being questioned by Bertrand over Ryan's murder.)

Bertrand: Vlad ordered me to bring the murderer to justice.

Count: This murder was a classic. It would've needed a brilliant mind and a dark soul. It was a work of art. Meticulously planned, ambitious, imaginative.

Bertrand: Way beyond the limited capabilities of Renfield.

Bloodbound [4.06][edit]

(The sun is rising and Vlad has been chained to the schoolgates after his stag night.)

Bertrand: Sorry, your Dad lost the keys.

Vlad: Well, don't stress, I'm about to be bloodbound to someone I don't love literally forever. So being roasted alive will probably be the highlight of my day.


Ingrid: You're plotting against Vlad, aren't you?

Ramanga: What makes you say that?

Ingrid: Experience.


Malik: Why are you doing this?

Ingrid: Because I have to complete all my tasks to impress the High Council.

Malik: Yeah, a bunch of stuffy old men. Why d'you care what they think?

Ingrid: (sarcastically) Oh, wait I learned this one in therapy. Because deep down I'm just a lonely little girl who craves her Daddy's approval.

Malik: No, you're not. You're a ruthless psychopath who craves fresh blood and raw power.


(When Malik does not return Ingrid's feelings towards her.)

Ingrid: I gave up a seat at the High Council for you!

Malik: I'm sorry! I thought we were friends.

Ingrid: We were friends! That's why you're still alive.


(To Vlad when he agrees to marry Adze.)

Ingrid: (tearful) You're doing the right thing. Love is for Breathers and idiots.

Do the Bite Thing [4.07][edit]

Wolfie: Why doesn't Erin want to be a vampire?

Ingrid: Because when I bit her brother he changed. He didn't care about his sappy little sister anymore. And if Erin turns vamp she won't love Vlad. In fact she'll hate him.

Wolfie: So why's Vlad going to bite her?

Ingrid: (sighs) Because love is stupid, and it makes people do stupid things.

Wolfie: Have you ever been in love?

[Pause]

Ingrid: Yeah.


(When Vlad is about to bite Erin.)

Ingrid: Don't do it, Vlad.

Vlad: Get out!

Ingrid: Look, I don't know what's going on with you and I don't really care. But you're not acting like the Vlad I know. Trust me I spent seventeen years with the little whimp.


Bertrand: This is insanity!

Renfield: Oooh, thank you very much.


Vlad: (deep voice) ERIN! ERIN!

Ingrid: Oh, great, he's doing the voice again.

Loyalty's for Breathers [4.08][edit]

Count: What would you like, Vladdy?

Renfield: Roast neck of a Breather? Crispy fingers with a puss dip to start...

Vlad: Pizza?

Renfield: Pizza.


Bertrand: There's evil, I can feel it.

Vlad: We're evil.

Bertrand: Besides us.


Vlad: (Surprised) Pizza!

Count: It's what you wanted, isn't it?

Vlad: Yeah! But... you never give me what I want.

Count: Ah, all that's changed. Now you've proven yourself, what Vladdy wants, Vladdy will get.

Ingrid: Oh, please.


Ingrid: But he's only bitten one person! It's hardly carnage!

Count: That will soon follow. It's inevitable, now he's... tasted the nectar.

Vlad: I don't drink blood.

Count: Are you insane?


Vlad: I'm thirsty... I wanna get a drink.

Bertrand: Bloodthirsty?


Sun and Heir [4.09][edit]

(When the Count, Malik and Ingrid are locked in the attic while the sunlight shines through the holes in the roof.)

Count: The sun rises in the east, sets in the west, this room is south facing.

Ingrid: (Realising) Meaning...

Malik: We'll be directly under it's path at midday.

Count: We'll be barbecued to a cinder.

Ingrid: What time is it now?

Malik: (checking his watch) Eleven o'clock.

Count, Malik, Ingrid: Help! Help! Renfield! HELP!


Erin: I thought vampires didn't care about anything but themselves.

Bertrand: We both know that's not true.


(When Vlad has staked Bertrand.)

Erin: (Shocked) What've you done?

Vlad: Spread the word, no more Mr. Nice Guy.

Whatever It Takes [4.10][edit]

Ingrid: I can’t believe that my father the man who saw off the Great Warlock Attack of the 1750s is letting himself be hopelessly distracted by a brunette Breather... in a cardigan.

Bootiful Breathers [4.11][edit]

Ingrid: Little brother’s turning into big brother.


Renfield: Master Vlad, take me home. Everyone’s being really nice to me, it’s like a holiday from Hell.

Cuckoo in the Nest [4.12][edit]

Vlad: Bertrand knew about dark forces.

Erin: Shame ‘somebody’ staked him.

Malik: Actually that was me, well me and Mum. Bertrand was onto us so we (laughing) tricked Vlad into staking him! What? It’s a classic wind up!

Vlad: He’s completely psychotic!

Count: He’s a chip off the old stake alright.


Erin: Brought down by a girl!


Vlad: Get out of my mind!


Count: Do you swear eternal loyalty to your Liege and Lord?

Malik: I do.

Count: Will you guard and protect me from all enemies whomsoever they may be?

Malik: I will.

Count: About time someone did!


Vlad: I don't think CPR works on fish.

Kiss of Death [4.13][edit]

Count: Killed with a kiss! (Laughs weakly) What a pathetic way to die!


(In the Count's room and testing to see if Ingrid is in fact the shape shifter in disguise when she knocks on the door.)

Vlad: (to the Count) Since when did Ingrid ask if you were ok?

Renfield: Shape shifter!

Ingrid: What's going on in there?

[Vlad grabs a stake off the wall and hides behind the door.]

Count: Enter!

Ingrid: (comes in the room) You idiot. You should've known the real McCauley would never kiss you. You're a disgusting, pale, skinny antique.

Vlad: Yep, that's Ingrid.


(When the Count shows Ingrid a drawing she did at the age of five.)

Count: You always were more ambitious than Vlad.

Ingrid: I thought you only kept Vlad's drawings. You said you threw all mine away.

Count: I've never said this before... but I do love you, Ingrid.

Ingrid: (quietly) You don't mean that... it's just the poison pickling your brain.

Count: I mean it... with all my dying heart.

[Ingrid throws her arms around the Count.]

Count: It's alright, it's alright.


Vlad: Well, Erin and Malik have been spotted in Paris. Bit some tourists on the Eiffel Tower.

Renfield: Sounds painful.


Ingrid: By the way, how many more of your ex-girlfriends are coming to kill us?

Count: Who knows? One doesn't like to brag!


Count: We're vampires. We bite, we fight, we... burn in sunlight.

Season 5[edit]

Fight or Flight [5.01][edit]

Ingrid: Look what the bat dragged in.

Vlad: Nice to see you too, Sis.


(Saying goodbye to Vlad when he is about to continue his travels around the world.)

Renfield: (Hugging him) Look after yourself. And remember, clean pants once a year.

Who's the Daddy? [5.02][edit]

Vlad: First I get a cold then a cough, now I can sit in the sun like a kid at the seaside!


Count: (to Vlad) I met your mother at a Goth festival in Whitby. I saw her across a crowded room full of depressed youth. At first I really thought she was one of us, you know some of those Goths are very convincing.


(When Renfield blackmails the Count into making him a vampire.)

Count: Very well, I promise to... I promise to bite you in... thirteen leap years time.

Renfield: Thirteen years?

Count: Thirteen LEAP years.

Renfield: Thirteen leap years? Hooray! One-nil to Renfield!


Vlad: What's the matter?

Renfield: (tearfully) My hair was out of control... so I got rid of it.

Vlad: Really?

Renfield: Yeah.

Vlad: Most people just switch hair gels.

Flesh and Blood [5.03][edit]

Vlad: All those in favour of getting caught running an illegal Breather-biting hotel and turned to dust, raise your right hand.


(When decorating a room for the vampire themed hotel.)

Vlad: Do you think this room's scary enough?

[Renfield sees himself in a mirror and yells.]

Renfield: (Laughing) Oh, it's me!

Vlad: I'll take that as a yes.


Vlad: This room is for the sculptor I was telling you about. She's staying for the weekend and we need her alive.

Count: What, the whole weekend?


(When shown around Vlad's bedroom.)

George: I think this coffin's way too fancy. Only a loser vampire would sleep in something like this.

Count: (to Vlad) I'm starting to like her.

Vlad: Too fancy, got it. What about the rest of the room? That's pretty cool.

George: I dunno. It's all a bit try-hard. Feels like the bedroom of a total poser. And there's a really weird smell... like a cross between...

Vlad: (annoyed) Let's find you another room, shall we?


Vlad: What're you doing here? You're supposed to be at the conference all weekend.

Ingrid: I got bored.

Vlad: (Smirking) They gave you loads of lame jobs to do, didn't they?

Ingrid: I don't want to talk about it.

Once Bitten, twice Shy [5.04][edit]

Sally: Have they been good to you, your... parents?

Vlad: Well, as power-hungry, bloodthirsty undead parents go... not bad.


Count: As bad ideas go this is right up there with midday sunbathing and garlic filled pizza crust!


Renfield: Here we are, normal drinks served in a normal way. What could be more normal?


Vlad: You promised you'd be normal!

Ingrid: This is normal, mongrel boy!


(When Ingrid plans to tell the Vampire High Council about Vlad and is unconcerned that the Count will face banishment.)

George: But you'll be banished too.

Ingrid: Excuse me?

George: Told you I was doing Latin at school. (Reading from a scroll) "Pacata omnia pacata patris familiae." The sins of the father are the sins of all the family.

Ingrid: Let me see that!

Count: (Laughs) The Breather child's right! Ingrid and Vlad are as tainted as myself. If she betrays us, she will be banished for eternity. Ping!

Vlad: (To Ingrid) Should've brushed up on your Latin. I think that's what they call checkmate!

Warning Shadows [5.05][edit]

(George aims a water pistol at Ingrid.)

Ingrid: Try it kid, and I'll introduce you to my games room... the torture chamber.

George: I always wanted a big sister, till I met you.


Vlad: I told you if I ever saw you again I would stake you myself!

Malik: Nice to see you too.


(Talking about Ramanga.)

Asan: He seeks revenge on all those who've crossed or shamed him.

Count: A life time's work I should think.


Malik: I'm still a Dracula, like it or not.

Vlad & Ingrid: NOT!


Asan: They will not cross the circle of light. Please Lord Count, you must stand inside.

Count: I'm not frightened of shadows.

Asan: My father Yako was not afraid of shadows either... now he's dust.

Count: (Pause) Perhaps just to be on the safe side, I mean, it'll be churlish not too.

The Enemy Within [5.06][edit]

(When making Bug Burgers.)

George: I'll help if Vlad does.

Vlad: Well, who doesn't love Bug Burgers?

Sally: Brilliant, let's make Bug Burgers. That'll keep me awake, if slightly disgusted.


Ingrid: Eurgh! That's disgusting! Looks like your hand's about to rot off.

Malik: Not as disgusting as that growth on your face, fungus features!


Ingrid: Anyone for tennis?


Sally: I draw the line at explosives.


(After Asan and the Draculas drink a vampire victory potion.)

George: Can I try some?

Sally: Certainly not! I don't even want to imagine what's in it.

Renfield: Well, I started out with a little dash of pig's bile, then a tiny little sqeeze of lemming's liver...

Sally: I don't actually want to know what's in it, thank you Renfield.

Nemesis Rising [5.07][edit]

Talitha: Ingrid Dracula, the first female on the Vampire High Council. More power to you!

Count: Yes, yes, Head of catering. Buffet the Vampire Waitress! Ha, ha, ha! Oooh, terriying!


Malik: Eurgh! He sounds more like a Breather everyday!

Vlad: Well, I'm not! I'm a Dracula.

Open House [5.08][edit]

Ingrid: (To Malik) There you go, Green Tree Frog tea.


(When the Count tells everyone he wants them to move to Australia.)

Vlad: Australia?! Are you insane?

Ingrid: Either that or he's an idiot. Or both.


Vlad: What have you got that Ingrid wants?

Malik: What're you talking about?

Vlad: It's just I've never seen her be so nice to anyone... ever.

The Bodyguard [5.09][edit]

Vlad: You seem to know a lot about me, Mr...

Roquelaire: Roquelaire. As VHC's security chief it's my job to know. Like I know that your sister has been listening in to our conversation for the last five minutes.

[He opens the door and Ingrid is there.]

Ingrid: Not listening in actually, I... just didn't want to leave Vlad alone with a stranger.


Vlad: I laugh in the face of pointy wood.

Blood Match [5.10][edit]

Shango: We're going to destroy the High Council, kill the other vampire clans, divide their territories between us...

Count: ... and rule the world, I suppose. Yes, yes, how very original. Yawn, yawn, yawn.


(When Ramanga returns.)

Count: He seems... urgh... madder than I remember him.

Ingrid: Dabbling in necromancy can do that.


Ramanga: (Tapping is fangs) Titanium gold. Designer!

Ingrid: Vulgar and fake. They suit you perfectly.

Count: Yes.


(When Talitha is trying to encourage Vlad to reconnect to his vampire powers.)

Talitha: Make a fire ball.

Vlad: Make a fire ball... ok... I think I've got it...

[He thrusts his hand out, but only a small spark appears.]

Vlad: Pathetic.

Talitha: I guess we're back to rubbing two sticks together.


Ingrid: Dust to dust.

Bite Me [5.11][edit]

(When Renfield is once again trying to persuade the Count to turn him into a vampire.)

Renfield: But I so want to be a vampire, Master. And with all this bother going on, if you were to bite me now I might be able to help, and you were gonna bite me in thirteen leap years time anyway.

Count: (Laughs) Oh, Renfield, Renfield! Is there no limit to the depths of your stupidity? A leap year is made up of four normal years. So thirteen leap years is actually forty! No... sixty! No, that's not right either.

Ingrid: Fifty-two, idiot.

Count: Fifty-two years away and by then you'll be far too frail and dribbly to bother with.

Renfield: (Sadly) I see. Fooled again.

Count: Well, it's not really that difficult.


Vlad: I think Malik getting dusted hit her hard.

Talitha: Ingrid, with feelings? More chance of Renfield winning Miss Transylvania.


(Vlad is trying to appease Renfield after Ingrid has given him a whole bottle of Backbone potion.)

Vlad: Come on, Renfield. You're part of the family... sort of.

Renfield: When's my birthday then?

[Long pause as Vlad, the Count and Ingrid exchange blank looks.]

Renfield: And I bet you can't remember my first name either.

Vlad: (Hastily) Keith!... Nigel?

Ingrid: Susan.

Vlad: Susan!

Renfield: It's Percival. Per-ci-val. Oh, you're all gonna pay for that!


(When Renfield has shut down the defences around Garside and needs a code to reinstall it.)

Count: Very well. Do that computery thing and... and I'll bite you, you sniveling slug!

Renfield: Oh, no. You're not tricking me again. Bite me first, then I'll give you the code. Two minutes.

Count: You doubt my word?

Renfield: Course I do. Coz you're a big fat liar! Two minutes!

Count: Fat?! I'm the same size now as I was back in 1680.

The Darkest Hour [5.12][edit]

Count: I've created the world's worst vampire.

Renfield: Well, maybe you could give me a few tips.

Count: Yes, yes. Get used to being hungry.


(When the Count gives Vlad a birthday present.)

Count: This is one of the seven wonders of the underworld.

Vlad: A clean pair of Renfield's pants?


Vlad: Most people get a car when they turn eighteen, not all the evil in the universe!


Count: Sally, Sally! Bring it in! Bring it in! There's a hug here with your name on it!

Sally: I'd rather not. Just in case there's a neck here with your name on it.


Ingrid: If I don't make it out of here alive tell Piers that I... despise him.


(When the High Council come to arrest Vlad, the Count and Ingrid.)

Talitha: I can't let you do that.

Ingrid: (sarcastically) Oh, yay! The hippie to the rescue! What're you gonna do, hug them to death?


Count: Did you know that birds eat the weakest chick so that only the strongest survive?

Vlad: Did you know that worker bees kill their queen when she gets too old?


Talitha: You've still got your fangs.

Vlad: (smiling) Sun tans are overrated.

External links[edit]

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