Zoolander

From Wikiquote

Zoolander is a 2001 comedy about a clueless fashion model at the end of his career who is brainwashed to kill the Prime Minister of Malaysia. Based on a pair of short films, produced and directed by Ben Stiller for the VH1 Fashion Awards television show in 1996.

Directed by Ben Stiller. Written by Drake Sather, Ben Stiller, and John Hamburg.

1 Derek Zoolander
2 Mugatu
3 Hansel
4 Others
5 Dialogue
6 Cast
7 External links

[edit] Derek Zoolander

You can read minds?!?!?!

I'm pretty sure there's more to life than being really, really ridiculously good looking, and I plan on finding out what that is.

ORANGE MOCHA FRAPPUCCINO!

The original Greek word "model" means "misshapen ball of clay", and I try to think about that every time I go in front of the camera.

Moisture is the essence of wetness, and wetness is the essence of beauty.

Have you ever wondered if there was more to life, other than being really, really, ridiculously good looking?

I'm not an ambi-turner.

I think I'm getting the black lung, Pop. It's not very well ventilated down there.

But why male models?

[Derek sees his reflection in a puddle] Who am I? [the reflection speaks back] I don't know.

Wait a minute. I might just have an idea. They'll be looking for us at Maury's right? But they won't be looking for... not us.

There was a moment last night, when she was sandwiched between the two Finnish dwarves and the Maori tribesmen, where I thought, "Wow, I could really spend the rest of my life with this woman."

Do you understand that the world does not revolve around you and your "do whatever it takes, ruin as many people's lives, so long as you can make a name for yourself as an investigatory journalist, no matter how many friends you lose or people you leave dead and bloodied along the way, just so long so you can make a name for yourself as an investigatory journalist, no matter how many friends you lose or people you leave dead and bloodied and dying along the way"?...

Rufus, Brint, and Meekus were like brothers to me. And when I say brother, I don't mean, like, an actual brother, but I mean it like the way black people use it. Which is more meaningful, I think.

If there is anything that this horrible tragedy can teach us, it's that a male model's life is a precious, precious commodity. Just because we have chiselled abs and stunning features, it doesn't mean that we too can't not die in a freak gasoline fight accident.

You think that you're too cool for school, but I have a newsflash for you, Walter Cronkite... you aren't.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have an after-funeral party to attend.

At the Derek Zoolander Center For Children Who Can't Read Good And Wanna Learn To Do Other Stuff Good Too, we teach you that there's more to life than being really, really good looking.

I can Dere-lick my own balls, thank you very much.

Mer-man! *keh... keh... keh...* MER-MAN!

[Cellphone rings] God?

[Upon seeing the model of the "Derek Zoolander Center For Children Who Can't Read Good And Wanna Learn To Do Other Stuff Good Too] What is this, a center for ants? How can we be expected to teach children to learn how to read if they can't even fit inside the building? The center has to be at least... three times bigger than this!

SNAP

Words can only hurt you if you try to read them. Don't play their game.

I was at a day spa. DAY. D-a-i-y-e.

Just thinking about it was the most rewarding experience of my life.

A week? What, are you having a whack attack? I saw you this afternoon, dum-dum.

[edit] Mugatu

Todd! Are you not aware that I get farty and bloated with a foamy latte?

Let me show you Derelicte. It is a fashion, a way of life inspired by the very homeless, the vagrants, the crack whores that make this wonderful city so unique.

[after he pokes a girl with a pin] Oh, I'm sorry, did my pin get in the way of your ass? Do me a favor and lose five pounds immediately or get out of my building like now!

As a caterpillar becomes a butterfly, so must you become Derelicte!

I invented the piano key neck tie! I invented it! What have you done, Derek? Nothing! YOU'VE GOT NOTHING!!! N O T H I N G ! ! !

[hypnotizing Derek] Hi Derek! My name's Little Cletus. I'm just a regular kid and want you to know the real truth about child labor laws, ok? They're silly and outdated. Why, back in the 30s, children as young as five could work as they pleased; from textile factories to iron smelts. Yippee! Hurray!

Obey my dog!

[...] I'm a hot little potato right now!

It's that damn Hansel. He's so hot right now!

They're break-dance fighting.

Do as you are trained... AND KILL THE MALAYSIAN PRIME MINISTER!

Who cares about Derek Zoolander anyway? The man has only one look for Christ's sake! Blue Steel? Ferrari? Le Tigre? They're the same face! Doesn't anybody notice this? I feel like I'm taking crazy pills!

You have no evidence. Han-stupid destroyed everything.

[after Derek says the center should be bigger] He's absolutely right.

[edit] Hansel

[to Derek] I friggin' worship you, man.

I felt like, "This guy's really hurting me." And it hurt.

Taste my pain, bitch!

That's bullshit, Mugatu's a dick!

What's the dealio, yo?

You is talking loco and I like it!

[Talking about the files] They're in the computer?

We've got thirty years worth of files, right here in this computer, they're gonna bring you down!! [Throws the computer off the balcony, still thinking that the files are _in_ the computer.] [After the computer smashed up on the ground:] Where'd all the files go?

I wasn't like every other kid, you know, who dreams about being an astronaut, I was always more interested in what bark was made out of on a tree. Richard Gere's a real hero of mine. Sting. Sting would be another person who's a hero. The music he's created over the years, I don't really listen to it, but the fact that he's making it, I respect that. I care desperately about what I do. Do I know what product I'm selling? No. Do I know what I'm doing today? No. But I'm here, and I'm gonna give it my best shot.

Who are you tryin' to get crazy with, Ese? Don't you know I'm loco?

The results are in amigo. What's left to ponder? [Derek glares at him] Nice Comeback!

Listen to your friend Billy Zane, he's a cool dude.

I hear words like "handsomeness" and "incredibly chiseled features" and for me that's like a vanity that I don't buy into.

Deal with that!

I think we should all get naked.

Me and my friends have been too busy sunbathing off the southern coast of St. Bart's with spider monkeys for the past two weeks, tripping on acid. Changed our whole perspective on shit.

Well, you can Dere-lick my balls, capitan.

Matil, Matil... Is it al right if I call you Matil?

[edit] Others

Larry Zoolander: Damnit Derek, I'm a coal miner, not a professional film or television actor.

Billy Zane:It's a walk-off, it's a walk-off.

David Bowie: [a judge is needed for the "walk-off"] If nobody has any objections, I believe I might be of service.

Larry Zoolander: You're dead to me boy. You're more dead to me than your dead mother.

Derek's Roommates: Orange Mocha Frappucino!

Protester: Mugatu! Screw you and your little dog too!

Announcer: Oh, you hate to see something like that at an event like this; ugly protesters bothering beautiful people.

Maury Ballstein: You want an opinion? With a push-up bra you could have a nice rack of lamb going on up there.

Maury Ballstein: Watch out Tushie squeeze!

Maury Ballstein: I've got a prostate the size of a honeydew and a head full of bad memories.

Announcer: ...for the past four years, male modeling has been dominated by one man and five syllables: Der-ek Zoo-land-er. [Derek slowly counts the syllables off on his fingers]

Katinka: [after throwing Matilda into the street from Mugatu's spa] I suggest you and your Kmart Jaclyn Smith Collection outfit... stay the hell away from Derek Zoolander!

Katinka: I do not like snoopy reporter with lack of fashion sense, not one little bit.

J.P. Prewitt: I'm a hand model, mama. A finger jockey. We think differently than the face and body boys... we're a different breed.

Matilda: [to Katinka] By the way, you were wrong about my outfit. It's the Cheryl Ladd collection and I got it at JC Penney's. On sale!

J.P. Prewitt: (after Derek accidentally stepped on the glass dome surrounding his hand) Ya freaking idiot!!!

Brint: I knew it was a joke Meekus, I just didn't get it right away!

Meekus: Earth-to-Brint!?

[edit] Dialogue

Hansel: So I'm rappelling down Mount Vesuvius when suddenly I slip, and I start to fall. Just falling, ahh, ahh. I'll never forget the terror. When suddenly I realize, "Holy shit, Hansel, haven't you been smoking peyote for six straight days and couldn't some of this maybe be in your mind?"

Derek Zoolander: And?

Hansel: And it was. I was totally fine. I've never even been to Mount Vesuvius.

Finnish Dwarf: Cool story Hansel.

Matilda: What time is it?

Derek Zoolander: Almost five.

Matilda: What? Hey, guys, that show is in three hours. Derek is dead unless we get that evidence. Do you guys--

Hansel: Whoa, whoa, easy! How 'bout a "Good afternoon, Derek and Hansel. Thanks for the freak-fest last night."

Billy Zane: Hey, Derek, back on top, man.

Derek Zoolander: Thanks, Billy. You rock.

Billy Zane: No, you rock. When you gonna drop Magnum on us, buddy?

Derek Zoolander: Not yet. You gotta tame the beast before you let it out of its cage.

Matilda: When I was in seventh grade, I was... the fat kid in my class.

Derek Zoolander: Ew!

Matilda: I became...

Hansel: What?

Matilda: Bulimic.

Derek Zoolander: ... you can read minds?

Derek Zoolander: Well, I guess it all started the first time I took second grade, when I was eating lunch and caught my reflection in a spoon, and I thought to myself, "Hey, you're ridiculously good-looking!" Maybe I could do that for a career.

Matilda: Do what?

Derek Zoolander: Be professionally good-looking.

Derek Zoolander: Why do you hate models, Matilda?

Matilda: Honestly?

Hansel: Yes.

Matilda: I think they're vain, stupid, and incredibly self-centered.

Hansel: I totally agree with you. But how do you feel about male models?

Derek: Oh, snap!

Larry Zoolander: I just thank the Lord she didn't live to see her son as a mermaid.

Derek Zoolander: Mer-man! [high-pitched cough] Mer-man!

[Derek looks at the model for a moment, then throws it on the floor]

Derek Zoolander: What is this? A center for ants? How can we be expected to teach children to learn how to read if they can't even fit inside the building?

Mugatu: Derek, it's just a small--

Derek Zoolander: I don't wanna hear your excuses! The center has to be at least... three times bigger than this!

Brint: [about Hansel] Have you seen the way he combs his hair?

Meekus: Or like, doesn't, it's like, ex-squeeze me, but have you ever heard of styling gel?

Brint: I'm sure Hansel's heard of styling gel, he's a male model.

Meekus: Uh, earth to Brint, I was making a joke.

Brint: Uh, Earth to Meekus, duh okay I knew that!

Meekus: Uh, Earth to Brint, I'm not so sure you do because you were all like 'well I'm sure Hansel's heard of styling gel' like you DIDN'T know it was a joke! aha, haha

Brint: I knew it was a joke, Meekus, I just didn't get it right away!

Meekus: Earth to Brint...

Derek Zoolander: GUYS! Can we stop with the Earth tos?!

Meekus: You know what would really help you work through these complicated times?

Derek Zoolander: What?

Brint, Meekus, Rufus: ORANGE MOCHA FRAPPUCCINOS!

Matilda: I've been trying to reach you for a week.

Derek Zoolander: A week? What, are you having a whack attack? I saw you this afternoon, dum-dum.

Matilda: That was last Friday.

Derek Zoolander: Uh, Earth to Matilda, I was at a day spa. Day, D-A-I-Y-E. Okay?

Hansel: Well, I guess you can Dere-lick my balls.

Derek: I can Dere-lick my own balls, thank you very much.

Derek Zoolander: Oh, I thought you were going to tell me what a bad eugoogalizor I am.

Matilda: What?

Derek Zoolander: A eugoogalizor, one who speaks at funerals. Or did you think I'd be too stupid to know what a eugoogoly was?

Derek Zoolander: You mean, you haven't...

Matilda: Done it in a while, yeah.

Hansel: What's a while? Like eight days?

Derek Zoolander: Look, I think I know what this is about and I'm complimented but not interested.

Matilda: What?

Derek Zoolander: I can't sleep with you, OK? My head is killing me...

Matilda: What are you talking about?

Derek Zoolander: Okay, if you just want to fool around or...

Matilda: WAIT! I don't want to sleep with you!

Derek Zoolander: God?

Maury Ballstein: God? What the shit are you talkin' about? It's me, Maury.

Derek Zoolander: I just wanted to make you proud of me, pop.

Larry Zoolander: How? With your male modeling? Prancing around in your underwear with your wiener hanging out for everyone to see?

Hansel: Yeah, you're cool to hide here, but first me and him got to straighten some shit out.

Derek Zoolander: Fine.

Hansel: Why you been acting so messed up towards me?

Derek Zoolander: Why you been acting so messed up towards me?

Hansel: Well, you go first.

Derek Zoolander: [after being in a coal mine for a day] I think I'm getting the black lung, Pop. [coughing] It's not very well-ventilated down there.

Larry Zoolander: For Christ's sake, Derek, you've been down there one day. Talk to me in thirty years.

Maury Ballstein: What do we do when we fall off the horse?

Derek Zoolander: [thoughtfully looking up and mouthing the words silently] ... fall off the horse...

Maury Ballstein: [looking to supply finish] We... get back on!

Derek Zoolander: Sorry, Maury. I'm not a gymnast.

J.P. Prewitt: The truth is male models have been assassinating world leaders for over 200 years. Abe Lincoln wanted to abolish slavery, right? Well, who do you think made the silk stockings and powdered wigs worn by our early leaders?

Derek Zoolander: Mugatu!

J.P. Prewitt: [pauses] Slaves, Derek. So they hired John Wilkes Booth to do Mr. Lincoln in. The first model/actor! Dallas. 1963. John F. Kennedy.

Matilda: Lee Harvey Oswald wasn't a male model.

J.P. Prewitt: You're goddamn right he wasn't, but the two lookers who capped Kennedy from the grassy knoll sure as shit were!

Derek Zoolander: But why male models?

J.P. Prewitt: Are you serious? I just told you.

Matilda: [after Derek saves the prime minister] Derek that was unbelievable!

Derek Zoolander: I know! I turned left!

Matilda: No, you saved the prime minister!

Derek Zoolander: Oh, well, that's cool too.

Derek: Look, you can't just come into people's lofts, wanting sex, then changing your mind, then telling them they've been at a day spa for a week...

Matilda: You have been at a day spa for a week.

Derek: So what?!