Mars Attacks!

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Mars Attacks! is a 1996 American science fiction comedy film about Planet Earth being invaded by Martians with unbeatable weapons and a cruel sense of humor based on a trading card line by The Topps Company, Inc..

Directed by Tim Burton and co-written with Jonathan Gems.
Nice planet. We'll take it!  (taglines)

General Decker

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  • We should nuke these assholes with everything we got, sir.
  • Screw the press! This is a need-to-know situation. We should make it a top secret, and we should move in right away with DefCon-4!
  • You can't have Martians running all over Nevada!
  • ['The Martians break into the War Room and Decker approaches them, holding two pistols] You think you can do anything you want. You can't. Because we are human beings. And we have the United States Army that'll fight you to the last man! And we'll never surrender! Do you hear me? [The Martian Leader uses a shrinking ray to begin miniaturizing Decker, who does not seem to care or even notice with his voice rising in pitch as he gets smaller and smaller] We'll fight you on the beaches. We'll fight you in the streets. We will never, never surrender! We will win! [Now smaller than the Martian Leader's foot] Democracy will survive! We will never, ever surrender! We will win! The eagle will be triumphant! [The Martian Leader raises his foot and stomps on Decker, crushing him]

Cedric Williams

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  • What are you guys gawking at? Get that President outta here!

Art Land

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  • [Repeated line] Wow!
  • [Pitching a hotel/casino idea] If the Martians land, they're gonna need a place to stay. Just like everybody else.
  • Even in a time of intergalactic crisis, people still want to roll them bones.
  • I'd been thinkin' about Mars when there wasn't no Mars.
  • I'm not a crook, I'm ambitious. There's a difference.

Sue Ann Norris

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  • I'll tell you one thing, they ain't gettin' the TV.

Grandma Florence Norris

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  • They blew up Congress! Ha ha ha ha!

Taffy Dale

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  • [Watching Martians massacre Army delegation on TV after killing a released dove] Guess it wasn't the dove.

Martian Translator Device

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  • All green of skin... 800 centuries ago, their bodily fluids include the birth of half-breeds. For the fundamental truth self-determination of the cosmos, for dark is the suede that mows like a harvest.

General Decker: What the hell does that mean?

  • Don't run! We are your friends!
  • We come in peace! We come in peace!

President Dale

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  • [Making one last appeal to the Martians] Why... are you doing this? Why? Isn't the universe big enough... for both of us? What is wrong with you people? We could work together. Why be enemies? Because we're different? Is that why? Think of the things that we could do. Think how strong we would be! Earth... and Mars... together. There is nothing that we could not accomplish. Think about it! *Think* about it! Why destroy... when you can create? We can have it all or we can smash it all! Why can't we... work out our differences? Why can't we... work things out? Little people... why can't we all just... get along? [The Martian Leader sheds a single tear. Dale smiles to himself, impressed. The Martian Leader approaches him and shakes hands with Dale. Then, the Martian Leader's hand detaches from his arm]
  • What's this? [The hand proceeds to crawl all over Dale's body. At the small of his back, it stabs through his body. Dale collapses to the ground, dead. From his dead body, a flag raises from where Dale was stabbed: a Martian flag]
  • I want the people to know that they still have two out of three branches of the government working for them, and that ain't bad.
  • Rest assured that we will soon come out at a very real outcome.
  • [Overhearing the Martians' destruction of France via telephone] ...mon Dieu..

Billy Glenn Norris

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  • Die, you alien shithead! [Prepares to shoot, but a Martian notices him and Billy Glenn Norris looks at it] Uh-oh. [Drops his gun and holds up a flag] I surrender! [The Martian disintegrates Billy Glenn Norris with a ray gun]
  • [About to get on the bus to leave for the Army, to his brother, Richie] So long, retard.

Richie Norris

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  • I want to thank my Grandma for always being so good to me, and, and for helping save the world and everything.
  • Wow, he just made the international sign of the donut.

Grandma Florence Norris

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  • [As Taffy is awarding her the Congressional Medal of Honor] Thank you, honey. But don't you dare let anything like this happen again.
  • [After a Martian's head explodes] I think it must be my music!
  • Richie, I think these guys are very sick.

Jason Stone

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  • [To Jerry Ross] When the Martians land, will the press have access? Can we do interviews?

Professor Donald Kessler

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  • We know they're extremely advanced technologically, which suggests - very rightfully so - that they're peaceful. An advanced civilization, by definition, is not barbaric.
  • [As the Martians disintegrate Congress] Mr. Ambassador, please! What are you doing? This doesn't make sense! It's not logical! It's not - [A Martian knocks Kessler unconscious]

General Casey

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  • [Talking on the phone] Hello? This is General Casey. I get to meet the Martian Ambassador! Ain't that great? Oh, it's a hell of an honor. But didn't I always tell you, honey, if I just stayed in place and never spoke up, good things are bound to happen. Yeah... Okay. [Makes kissing noises and hangs up the phone]

Rude Gambler

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  • You wanna conquer the world, you're going to need lawyers, right?
  • Hey! You're Tom Jones, right? "It ain't unusual"? Hey Tom, Tom! Can I have an autograph? Anyone got a pen?
  • [After running into a Martian] Holy shit!

Press Secretary Jerry Ross

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  • My finger!

Jason Stone

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  • [Reporting in Pahrump, NV, where the Martians are landing] The teeming masses have gathered from who knows how many states. Waiting and watching. Why have they come? Curiosity? Or is it something more? Or is it simply to say "I was there. I was there when first man met Martian." Jason Stone, GNN. Pahrump.

First Lady

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  • [As a chandelier is falling on top of her] The Nancy Reagan chandelier!

Byron Williams

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  • [Challenging a Martian to a fistfight] No weapons! No tricks! Just you and me! Byron Williams! The heavyweight champion of the world!

Female Journalist

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Richie's Dad

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  • Martians. Ha ha. Funny looking little critters, aren't they?

Dialogue

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First Lady: [After seeing the Martians on TV for the first time] I'm not allowing that thing in my house.
President Dale: Sweetie, we may have to. The people expect me to meet with them.
First Lady: Well, they're not going to eat off the Van Buren china.
Richie Norris: I bet you're psyched about the Martians coming, Grandma? I mean, you've seen a lot of crazy stuff already. Everyone must have been real scared when they invented the train!
Grandma Florence Norris: Come on, kid, I'm not that old!
Billy Glenn Norris: Bye-bye, Grandma.
Grandma Florence Norris: Goodbye, Thomas.
Billy Glenn Norris: It's Billy Glenn, Grandma.
Grandma Florence Norris: I know, Thomas.
Nathalie Lake: Jason, hi. It's me.
Jason Stone: Are you wearing a bra?
Richie Norris: Is that okay?
Taffy Dale: Yeah. You got a girlfriend?
Richie Norris: No.
President Dale: What do you think, Marcia?
First Lady: Kick the crap out of 'em!
Richie Norris: [After watching the Martians kill Congress on TV] Why did they do that?
Hispanic woman at donut shop: Maybe they no liking the human being.
Richie Norris: The Martians just blew up the donut shop!
Richie's Dad: Well, if they come around here, we'll blast them back into space!
Sue Ann Norris: They sure ain't gettin' the TV!
Richie Norris: Should I go get Grandma?
Richie's Dad: Oh, forget Grandma! She's halfway into space already!
Barbara Land: Do you have to drink in front of me?
Art Land: You're an adult. Cope.
Barbara Land: Hello, my name is Barbara.
AA Meeting: Hello, Barbara.
Barbara Land: I am an alcoholic, but I haven't had a drink in three months!
Barbara Land: Know anyone who can fly a plane?
Byron Williams: Yeah, your husband Art.
Barbara Land: No... he's dead. I told him this was gonna happen.
Gen. Decker: [In the White House] They don't know what the Hell they're talking about. Liberals! Intellectuals! Peacemongers! IDIOTS!
Taffy Dale: [Opening her bedroom door in the background and coming out of her bedroom] Would you please keep it down? People live here! [Goes back inside her bedroom and closes the bedroom door]
President Dale: General Decker, if you do not shut up, I am going to relieve you of your command.
Gen. Decker: We have to strike now, sir! Annihilate! Kill! Kill! Kill!
President Dale: [Repeatedly] SHUT UP!
Louise Williams: [Driving the Metro bus, notices her two sons, Cedric and Neville, playing Flesh Eaters at the video game arcade] Excuse me, folks. We've got to make an unscheduled STOP! [Stopping the bus at the video game arcade; Cedric and Neville glance at their mother]
Neville Williams: Oh, man! It's Mama!
Louise Williams: [Stops the bus and walks over to the two sons, annoyed] What are you doing here, huh?! If you ain't gonna come home, why aren't you in class?! Huh?! [Grabs Cedric]
Cedric Williams: Mama, because class was cancelled!
Louise Williams: Class was NOT cancelled!
Cedric Williams: Yes, it was!
Louise Williams: [To Neville] Will you come here!
Neville Williams: For what?
Louise Williams: Come here, I'm not gonna hurt you now, come here.
Neville Williams: Let go of him.
Louise Williams: [Lets go of Cedric] Okay. Now, just come here. Come here. [Neville walks over to her; she grabs Cedric and Neville annoyedly] Do you think you're smart to cut school, huh? Do you?
Neville Williams: What are you doing?!
Louise Williams: Do you?! Huh?! Huh?!
Cedric Williams: No!
Louise Williams: No, Mama, because it's dumb! You're gonna flunk and you all go to jail!
Neville Williams: No!
Cedric Williams: Mama, no! We haven't!
Louise Williams: [Shoves her two sons into the bus] Get your own place! Get your butt on that place! Get on that bus, boy! [Cedric and Neville get on the bus, frustratedly] Yeah, I'll be tripping all over you! You get back there and I don't want to hear another word out of you, do you hear me? [All bus riders cheer]
Cedric Williams: I hate school!
Louise Williams: I heard that! [Neville and Cedric sit in the back of the bus and she the bus away]
Gen. Decker: They don't know what the hell they're talking about. Liberals, intellectuals... peace mongers, [shouts] IDIOTS!
Taffy Dale: [coming out of her bedroom] Would you please keep it down? People live here.
Byron Williams: Barbara, you all right?
Barbara Land: Huh? I need a drink...
Rude Gambler: You and me both, baby!

Cast

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Taglines

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  • FryDay December 13th
  • YIKES! They've Landed!
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