Buffy the Vampire Slayer
(Redirected from Buffy)
Buffy the Vampire Slayer (1997–2003), created by Joss Whedon, is a television series about Buffy Summers, a teenage girl chosen by fate to battle against vampires, demons, and other supernatural foes. She is often aided by her Watcher and her loyal circle of misfit friends. The first five Seasons of the series aired on The WB; after a network change, the final two seasons aired on UPN.
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Contents
[edit]Season 1
[edit]
- Xander: Can I have you? Uh... [chuckles] Can I have you?
- Buffy: Uh, thanks.
- Xander: I don't know you, do I?
- Buffy: I'm Buffy. I'm new.
- Xander: Xander. Is-is me. Hi.
- Buffy: Oh, thanks.
- Xander: Well, uh, maybe I'll see you around. Maybe at school... since we both... go there.
- Buffy: Great. It was nice to meet you. [walks away]
- Xander: We both go to school. Very suave. Very not pathetic. Oh. Hey! Hey! You forgot your... stake.
- Buffy: Okay, what's the sitch?
- Giles: Sorry?
- Buffy: You heard about the dead guy, right? The dead guy in the locker?
- Giles: Yes.
- Buffy: 'Cause it's the weirdest thing. He's got two little-little holes in his neck and all his blood's been drained. Isn't that bizarre? Aren't you just going, "Ooh"?
- Giles: I was afraid of this.
- Buffy: Well, I wasn't. It's my first day. I was afraid that I was gonna be behind in all my classes, that I wouldn't make any friends, that I would have last month's hair. I didn't think there'd be vampires on campus. And I don't care.
- Giles: Then why are you here?
- Buffy: To tell you that, I don't care, which I don't, and have now told you, so... bye.
- Giles: Is he-- will he rise again?
- Buffy: Who?
- Giles: The boy.
- Buffy: No. He's just dead.
- Giles: Can you be sure?
- Buffy: [to Giles] To make you a vampire, they have to suck your blood, and then you have to suck their blood. It's like, a whole big sucking thing. Mostly they're just gonna kill you. Why am I still talking to you?
- Giles: You really have no idea what's going on, do you? You think it's coincidence, your being here? That boy was just the beginning.
- Buffy: Why can't you people just leave me alone?
- Giles: Because you are the Slayer. To each generation a Slayer is born. One girl in all the world, a Chosen One, one born with the strength--
- Buffy: The strength and skill to hunt the vampires, to stop the spread of the evil, blah, blah, blah. I've heard it, okay?
- Giles: I really don't understand this attitude. You-You've accepted your duty. You're slain vampires before?
- Buffy: Yeah, and I've both been there and done that, and I'm moving on.
- Giles: What do you know about this town?
- Buffy: It's 2 hours on the freeway from Neiman-Marcus.
- Giles: Dig a bit in the history of this place, and you'll find a-a steady stream of fairly off occurrences. I believe this whole area is a center of mystical energy, that things gravitate towards it that-that you might not find elsewhere.
- Buffy: Like vampires.
- Giles: Like zombies, werewolves, incubi, succubi, everything you've ever dreaded was under your bed but told yourself couldn't be by the light of day. They're all real.
- Buffy: What, you, like, sent away for the Time-Life series?
- Giles: Oh, w-well, yes.
- Buffy: Did you get the free phone?
- Giles: Um, the calendar.
- Buffy: Cool. Wait. Okay. First of all, I'm a Vampire Slayer. And secondly, I'm retired. Hey, I know. Why don't you kill them?
- Giles: I'm a Watcher. I-I haven't the skill.
- Buffy: Oh, come on. Stake through the heart, a little sunlight, it's like falling off a log.
- Giles: A slayer says, a watcher--
- Buffy: Watches?
- Giles: Yes, no. He... he trains her. He-he-he prepares her.
- Buffy: Prepares me for what? For getting kicked out of school? For losing all of my friends? For having to spend all of my time fighting for my life and never getting to tell anyone because I might endanger them? Go ahead. Prepare me. [sigh]
- Giles: Damn.
- Xander: What?
- Giles: It's getting worse.
- Buffy: What's getting worse?
- Giles: The influx of the undead, the supernatural occurrences. It's been building for years. There's a reason why you're here and a reason why it's now.
- Buffy: Because now is the time my mom moved here.
- Giles: Something's coming. Something, something, something is-is gonna happen here. Soon.
- Buffy: Gee, can you vague that up for me?
- Giles: The signs, as far as I can tell, point to a crucial mystical upheaval very soon. Days. Possibly less.
- Buffy: Oh, come on. This is Sunnydale. How bad an evil can there be here?
- Buffy: Hey!
- Willow: Oh, hi. Hi.
- Buffy: Oh, you're here with someone?
- Willow: No, I'm just here. I thought Xander was going to show up.
- Buffy: Oh, are you guys going out?
- Willow: No, we're just friends. We used to go out, but we broke up.
- Buffy: How come?
- Willow: He stole my Barbie. Oh, we were five.
- Buffy: Oh.
- Willow: I-I don't actually date a whole lot... lately.
- Buffy: Why not?
- Willow: Well, when I'm with a boy I like, it's hard for me to say anything cool or, or witty, or at all. I-I can usually make a few vowel sounds, and then I have to go away.
- Buffy: It's not that bad.
- Willow: No, i-it is. I think boys are more interested in a girl who can talk.
- Buffy: You really haven't been dating lately.
- Willow: It's probably easy for you.
- Buffy: Yeah, real easy.
- Willow: I-I mean, you don't seem too shy.
- Buffy: Well, my philosophy, do you want to hear my philosophy?
- Willow: Yeah, I do.
- Buffy: Life is short.
- Willow: Life is short.
- Buffy: Not original, I'll grant you, but it's true. You know, why waste time being all shy and worrying about some guy and if he's going to laugh at you? Seize the moment, 'cause tomorrow you might be dead.
- Willow: Oh, that's nice.
- Buffy: Um, I'll be back in a minute.
- Willow: Oh, that's okay. You don't have to come back.
- Buffy: I'll be back in a minute.
- Willow: Seize the moment.
- Buffy: [about the mausoleum] Well, this is nice. I-it's a little bare, but a dash of paint, a few throw pillows... call it home!
- Darla: Who the hell are you?
- Buffy: You mean there's actually someone in this town who doesn't know already? Whew, that's a relief! I'm telling you, having a secret identity in this town is a job of work.
- Xander: Buffy, we bail now, right?
- Thomas: Not yet!
- Buffy: Okay, first of all, what's with the outfit? Live in the now, okay? You look like DeBarge!
- [The vampires close in on Buffy. She turns to Darla.]
- Buffy: Now, we can do this the hard way, or... well, actually there's just the hard way.
- Darla: That's fine with me!
- Buffy: Are you sure? Now, this is not gonna be pretty. We're talking violence, strong language, adult content...
- Giles: For as long as there have been vampires, there has been the Slayer. One girl in all the world, a Chosen One...
- Buffy: He loves doing this part.
- Giles: Alright. The Slayer hunts vampires, Buffy is a Slayer, don't tell anyone. Well, I think that's all the vampire information you need.
- The Master: A Slayer... Have you any proof?
- Luke: Only that she fought me and yet lives.
- The Master: Very nearly proof enough. I can't remember the last time that happened.
- Luke: 1843. Madrid. He caught me sleeping.
- Giles: [To Willow] Well then help me in researching this Harvest affair. It seems to be some sort of preordained massacre. Rivers of blood, hell on Earth. Quite charmless. I'm a bit fuzzy, however, on the details. [about a computer] It may be that you can wrest some information from that dread machine. [everyone stares] That was a bit, um, British, wasn't it?
- Buffy: Welcome to the New World.
- Xander: This is just too much. I mean, yesterday my life's like, 'Uh-oh, pop quiz.' Today it's 'Rain of Toads'.
- Willow: I know. And everyone else thinks it's just a normal day.
- Xander: Nobody knows. It's like we've got this big secret.
- Willow: We do. That's what a secret is, when you know something other guys don't.
- Buffy: What exactly were you expecting?
- Xander: I don't know. Something. I mean, the dead rose. We should have at least had an assembly.
- Giles: People have a tendency to rationalize what they can and forget what they can't.
- Buffy: Believe me, I've seen it happen.
- Willow: Well, I'll never forget it. None of it.
- Giles: Good. Next time you'll be prepared.
- Xander: Next time?
- Willow: Next time is why?
- Giles: We prevented the master from freeing himself and opening the mouth of hell. That's not to say he's going to stop trying. I'd say the fun is just beginning.
- Willow: More vampires?
- Giles: Not just vampires. The next threat we face maybe something quite different.
- Buffy: I can hardly wait.
- Giles: We're at the center of a mystical convergence here. We may, in fact, stand between the earth and it's total destruction.
- Buffy: Well, I gotta look on the bright side. Maybe I can still get kicked out of school.
- Xander: Oh, yeah. That's a plan, 'cause lots of schools aren't on Hellmouths.
- Willow: Maybe you could blow something up. They're really strict about that.
- Buffy: I was thinking of a more subtle approach, you know, like, excessive not studying.
- Giles: [to himself as the others are walking away] The Earth is doomed.
- Giles: This is madness. What could you have been thinking? You are the Slayer. Lives depend upon you. I make allowances for your youth, but I expect a certain amount of responsibility, instead of which you enslave yourself to this-this... cult?
- [Buffy is wearing a cheerleading outfit]
- Buffy: You don’t like the color?
- Giles: I don't... Do you, um... do you ignore everything I say, as-as a rule?
- Buffy: No. I believe that's your trick. I told you, I'm trying out for the cheerleading squad.
- Giles: You have a sacred birthright, Buffy. You were chosen to destroy vampires, not to... wave pom poms at people. And as the Watcher, I forbid it.
- Buffy: And you'll be stopping me how?
- Giles: Well, I... By appealing to your common sense, if such a creature exists.
- Buffy: I will still have time to fight the forces of evil, okay? I just... want to have a life. I want to do something normal. Something safe.
- Giles: Why should someone want to harm Cordelia?
- Willow: Maybe because they met her? Did I say that?
- Willow: You're the Slayer, and we're, like, the Slayerettes.
- Xander: I laugh in the face of danger. Then I hide until it goes away.
- Joyce: Look what I found. It's my yearbook from junior year. [finds her picture] Oh, look. There I am.
- Buffy: Mom, I've accepted that you've had sex. I am not ready to know that you had Farrah hair.
- Joyce: This is Gidget hair. Don't they teach you anything in history?
- Buffy: Well, it's really cool, but I gotta book.
- Joyce: Well, I was thinking. I know the cheerleading thing didn't work out. Maybe you should think about joining the yearbook staff. I did it. It was a lot of fun.
- Buffy: Not really my tip, Mom.
- Joyce: I was photo editor. I got to be on every page. Made me look much more popular than I was.
- Buffy: And have you seen the kids that do yearbook? Nerds pick on them.
- Joyce: Some of the best times I had in school were working on the yearbook.
- Buffy: Well, this just in: I'm not you. I'm into my own thing.
- Joyce: Your own thing, whatever it is, got you kicked out of school, and he had to move here to find a decent school that would take you. Honey... Oh, great parenting form. A little shaky on the dismount.
- Giles: God, every day here is the same.
- Buffy: Bright, sunny, beautiful. However can we escape this torment?
- Xander: It's funny how the Earth never opens up and swallows you when you want it to.
- Giles: This computer invasion that Willow's performing on the coroner's office... One assumes it is entirely legal?
- Buffy: [in unison] Of course.
- Willow: [in unison] Entirely.
- Giles: Right. Wasn't here. Didn't see it. Couldn't have stopped you.
- Principal Flutie: You were there. You saw Dr. Gregory, didn't you?
- Buffy: Um, you mean yesterday in the cafeteria when we found him--
- Principal Flutie: Don't say dead or decapitated or decomposing. I'd stay away from "d" words altogether, but you witnessed the event, so this way, please.
- Buffy: Oh, no. I'm gonna be late for biology.
- Principal Flutie: Extremely late. You have to see a counselor. Everyone who saw the body has to see a crisis counselor.
- Buffy: But I really don't--
- Principal Flutie: We all need help with our feelings, otherwise we bottle them up, and before you know it, powerful laxatives are involved. I really believe if we all reach out to one another, we can beat this thing. I'm always here if you need a hug, but not a real hug, because there's no touching in this school. We're sensitive to wrong touching.
- Buffy: But I really, really--
- Principal Flutie: No. You have to talk to a counselor and start to healing. You have to heal.
- Buffy: But, Mr. Flutie, I d--
- Principal Flutie: Heal.
- Cordelia: I don't know what to say. It was really, I mean, one minute you're in your normal life, and then who's in the fridge? It really gets to you, a thing like that. It was... Let's just say I haven't been able to eat a thing since yesterday. I think I lost, like, 7.5 ounces, way swifter than that so-called diet that quack put me on. Oh, I'm not saying that we should kill a teacher every day, just so I can lose weight, I'm just saying when tragedy strikes, we have to look on the bright side, you know? Like, how even used Mercedes still have leather seats.
- The Master: [reading from the writing of Aurelius] "And there will be a time of crisis, of worlds hanging in the balance. And in this time shall come, The Anointed, the Master's Great Warrior. And the Slayer will not know him, will not stop him, and he will lead her into Hell." As it is written, so shall it be. "Five will die, and from their ashes, The Anointed shall rise. The Brethren of Aurelius, shall greet him, and usher him to his immortal destiny." As it is written, so shall it be. "And one of the Brethren shall go out hunting the night before and get himself killed, because he couldn't wait to finish his job before he ate." Oh, wait. [grabs one of the Brethren by the throat] That's not written anywhere. The Anointed will be my greatest weapon against the Slayer. If you fail to bring him to me, if you allow that girl to stop you... [throws the vampire into a coffin] Here endeth the lesson.
- Giles: [about Owen's book selection] Oh, Emily Dickinson.
- Buffy: We're both fans.
- Giles: Yes, she's quite a good poet. I mean for a...
- Buffy: [defensively] A girl?
- Giles: For an American.
- Willow: Buffy has a really important date.
- Buffy: Owen!
- Giles: All right, I-I'll just jump in my time machine, go back to the twelfth century and ask the vampires to postpone their ancient prophecy for a few days while you take in dinner and a show.
- Buffy: Okay, at this point you're abusing sarcasm.
- Giles: Well, you know what they say; ninety percent of the vampire slaying game is, is waiting.
- Buffy: You couldn't have told me that ninety percent ago?
- Buffy: If the apocalypse comes, beep me.
- Xander: We just saw the zebras mating. Thank you, very exciting!
- Willow: It was like the Heimlich... with stripes!
- Willow: [to Xander] You remember, you fail math, you flunk out of school, you end up being the guy at the pizza place that sweeps the floor and says, "Hey, kids, where's the cool parties this weekend?" We've been through this.
- Giles: Xander's taken to teasing the less fortunate?
- Buffy: Uh-huh.
- Giles: And, there's been a noticeable change in both clothing and demeanor?
- Buffy: Yes.
- Giles: And, well, otherwise all his spare time is spent lounging about with imbeciles.
- Buffy: It's bad, isn't it?
- Giles: It's devastating. He's turned into a sixteen-year-old boy. Of course you'll have to kill him.
- [While researching in the library]
- Buffy: Wow. Apparently, Noah rejected the hyenas from the Ark because he thought they were an evil impure mixture of dogs and cats.
- Willow: Hyenas aren't well liked.
- Buffy: They do seem to be the schmoes of the animal kingdom.
- Willow: Why couldn't Xander be possessed by a puppy, or... or some ducks?
- Willow: I heard the vice principal's taking over until they can find a replacement.
- Buffy: Well, it shouldn't be too hard to find a new principal. Unless they ask what happened to the last one.
- Xander: Okay, but I had nothing to do with that, right?
- Buffy: Right.
- Willow: You only ate the pig.
- Xander: I ate a pig? It was he cooked and called bacon or... oh, my God, I ate a pig? I mean, the whole trichinosis issue aside, yuck.
- Buffy: Well, it wasn't really you.
- Xander: Well, I remember going on the field trip, and then going down to the hyena house. And next thing, some guy's holding Willow, and he's got a knife.
- Willow: You saved my life.
- Xander: Hey, nobody messes with my Willow.
- Buffy: This is definitely the superior Xander. Accept no substitutes.
- Xander: I didn't do anything else, did I? Around you guys? Anything embarrassing?
- Buffy: Nah.
- Willow: Not at all.
- Buffy: Come on, we're gonna be late.
- Willow: See you at lunch.
- Xander: Cool. Oh, hey? Going vegetarian, huh?
- Giles: I've been reading up on my, uh, animal possession, and I cannot find anything anywhere about... memory loss afterwards.
- Xander: (chuckles) Did you tell them that?
- Giles: Your secret dies with me.
- Xander: Shoot me, stuff me, mount me.
- Willow: [about Angel] So he is a good vampire? I mean on a scale of one to ten. Ten being someone who's killing and maiming every night, one being someone who's... not.
- Xander: I know you have feelings for this guy, but it's not like you're in love with him, right? [Buffy looks away] You’re in love with a vampire?! What are you, outta your mind?
- Cordelia: What?!?
- Xander: [to Cordelia] Not 'vampire' ... [to Buffy] How could you love an umpire? Everyone hates 'em!
- Angel: Come on. Don't go soft on me now. A little wide.
- Buffy: Why? Why didn't you just attack me when you had the chance? Was it a joke? To make me feel for you and then... I've killed a lot of vampires. I've never hated one before.
- Angel: Feels good, doesn't it? Feels simple.
- Buffy: I invited you into my home, and then you attacked my family.
- Angel: Why not? I killed mine. I killed their friends... and their friends' children. For 100 years, I offered an ugly death to everyone I met. And I did it with a song in my heart.
- Buffy: What changed?
- Angel: Fed on a girl about your age. Beautiful. Dumb as a post, but a favorite among her clan.
- Buffy: Her clan?
- Angel: The Romany. Gypsies. The elders conjured the perfect punishment for me. They restored my soul.
- Buffy: What, they were all out of boils and blinding torment?
- Angel: When you become a vampire, the demon takes your body, but it doesn't get your soul. That's gone. No conscience, no remorse. It's an easy way to live. You have no idea what it's like to have done the things I'm done... and to care. I haven't fed on a living human being since that day.
- Buffy: So you started with my mom?
- Angel: I didn't bite her.
- Buffy: Then why didn't you say something?
- Angel: But I wanted to. I can walk like a man, but I'm not one. I wanted to kill you tonight.
- Buffy: Go ahead. Not as easy as it looks.
- Darla: Sure it is.
- Darla: Do you know what the saddest thing in the world is?
- Buffy: Bad hair on top of that outfit?
- Darla: To love someone who used to love you.
- Buffy: You guys were involved?
- Darla: For several generations.
- Buffy: Well, you've been around since Columbus. You are bound to pile up a few exes. You're older than him, right? Just between us girls, you are looking a little worn around the eyes.
- Darla: [about Angel] I made him. There was a time when we shared everything, wasn't there, Angelus? You had a chance to come home, to rule with me in the Master's court for 1,000 years. But you threw that away because of her. You love someone who hates us. You're sick, and you'll always be sick. And you'll always remember what it was like to watch her die. You don't think I came alone, do you?
- Buffy: I know I didn't.
- Darla: [chuckles] Scary. Scarier.
- Giles: I'm just going to stay and clean up a little. I'll be back in the Middle Ages.
- Jenny: Did you ever leave?
- Jenny: You kids really dig the library, don't you?
- Buffy: We're literary.
- Xander: To read makes our speaking English good.
- Xander: Are we over-reacting? He's in a computer, what can he do?
- Buffy: You mean besides convince a perfectly nice kid to try and kill me? I don't know. How about mess up all the medical equipment in the world?
- Giles: Randomize traffic signals.
- Buffy: Access launch codes for our nuclear missiles.
- Giles: Destroy the world's economy.
- Buffy: I think I pretty much capped it with that nuclear missile thing.
- Giles: ...Alright, yours was best.
- [keyboard clacking and computer beeping]
- Giles: [clears throat]
- Jenny: Well, look who's here. Welcome to my world. You scared?
- Giles: I'm remaining calm, thank you. I just wanted to, uh, return this. I found it among the new books and naturally, I though of you.
- Jenny: Cool. Thanks.
- Giles: Uh, well, I'll-I'll see you anon.
- Jenny: Can't get out of here fast enough, can you?
- Giles: Truthfully, I'm even less anxious to be around computers than I used to be.
- Jenny: Well, it was your book that started all the trouble, not a computer.
- Giles: [sighs]
- Jenny: Honestly, what is it about them that bothers you so much?
- Giles: The smell.
- Jenny: Computers don't smell, Rupert.
- Giles: I know. Smell is the most powerful trigger to the memory there is. A certain flower or a whiff of smoke can bring up experiences long forgotten. Books smell musty and-and rich. The knowledge gained from a computer is-is... it has no-no texture, no-no context. It's there and then it's gone. If it's to last, then the getting of knowledge should be, uh, tangible. It should be, um... smelly.
- Jenny: Well, you really are an old-fashioned boy, aren't you?
- Giles: Well, I-I don't dangle a corkscrew from my ear.
- Jenny: That's not where I dangle it.
- Xander: We going to go to the Bronze tonight, we three?
- Buffy: It'll be fun.
- Xander: Yeah. Willow, fun? Remember fun? That thing where you smile?
- Willow: Oh, I'm sorry, guys. I'm just thinking about...
- Buffy: Malcolm?
- Willow: Malcolm, Moloch, whatever he's called. The one boy that's really liked me, and he's a demon robot. What does that say about me?
- Buffy: It doesn't say anything about you.
- Willow: I mean, I thought I was really falling...
- Buffy: Hey, did you forget? The one boy I've had the hots for since I've moved here turned out to be a vampire.
- Xander: Right. And the teacher I had a crush on: giant praying mantis.
- Willow: That's true.
- Xander: Yeah, it's life on the Hellmouth.
- Buffy: Let's face it. None of us are ever going to have a happy, normal relationship.
- Xander: We're doomed.
- Willow: Yeah.
- [They laugh, but it quickly stops as they look uneasy]
- Giles: He thought it would behoove me to have more contact with the students. I did try to explain that my vocational choice of librarian was a deliberate attempt to minimize said contact, but he would have none of it.
- Principal Snyder: My predecessor, Mr. Flutie, may have gone in for all that touchy-feely relating nonsense, but he was eaten. You're in my world now. And Sunnydale has touched and felt for the last time.
- Sid (the dummy): [about his present condition] Let's just say there was me, there was a really mean demon, there was a curse, and the next thing I know, I'm not me any more. I'm sitting on some guy's knee, with his hand up my shirt.
- [Marc has tricked Giles into getting into a craftily disguised guillotine.]
- Giles: Shouldn't it be aimed at my neck?
- Marc: No, no this way your scalp gets sliced off and your brains just come pouring out.
- Giles: What exactly is the trick?
- Marc: What trick?
- Buffy: What about the whole "it's a demon" theory?
- Giles: I'm looking into that, but my investigation is somewhat... hampered by our life in the theater.
- Buffy: Uh, priority check, Giles? (holding up her hands) Talent show, murder.
- Xander: Yeah, we can't do the talent show, it's unthinkable. I'm not able to think it!
- Giles: Principal Snyder is watching us all very closely. Now, if he chooses, he can make all our lives extremely difficult. A Slayer cannot afford that! We will find this murderer, but in the meantime... the show must go on.
- Buffy: This is so unfair.
- Joyce: You want to go to school?
- Buffy: Sure! Why not?
- Joyce: Okay. Good day to buy that lottery ticket.
- Xander: Well, the Hellmouth, the center of mystical convergence, supernatural monsters: been there.
- Buffy: Little blasé there, aren't you?
- Xander: I'm not worried. If there's something bad out there we'll find, you'll slay, we'll party!
- Buffy: Thanks for having confidence in me.
- Xander: You da man, Buff!
- Xander: Our dreams are coming true?
- Giles: Dreams? That would be a musical comedy version of this. Nightmares, our--our nightmares are coming true.
- The Master: [to Buffy] What's the fun of burying someone if they're already dead?
- Buffy: Glad you showed up. You see, I'm having a really bad day.
- Ugly Man: Lucky 19.
- Buffy: Scary. I'll tell you something, though. There are a lot of scarier thing than you. And I'm one of them.
- [The class is discussing 'The Merchant of Venice'.]
- Ms. Miller: But has Shylock suffered? What's his place in Venice society?
- Willow: Well, everyone looked down on him.
- Cordelia: That is such a twinkie defense. Shylock should get over himself. People who think their problems are so huge craze me. Like this time I sort of ran over this girl on her bike. It was the most traumatizing event of my life, and she's trying to make it about her leg! Like my pain meant nothing.
- Principal Snyder: There are no dead students here. This week.
- Giles: Buffy told me you don't feed from humans anymore.
- Angel: Not for a long while.
- Giles: Is that why you're here? To see her?
- Angel: I can't. It's, uh... It's too hard for me to be around her.
- Giles: A vampire in love with a Slayer. It's rather poetic... in a maudlin sort of way.
- Willow: 'Have a nice summer', 'Have a nice summer'. This girl had no friends at all.
- Giles: Once again I teeter at the precipice of the generational gap.
- Buffy: 'Have a nice summer' is what you write when you have nothing to say.
- Xander: It's the kiss of death.
- Cordelia: So, are you saying she's invisible because she's so unpopular?
- Buffy: That about sums it up.
- Cordelia: Bummer for her. It's awful to feel that lonely.
- Buffy: Hmm. So you've read something about the feeling?
- Cordelia: Hey! You think I'm never lonely because I'm so cute and popular? I can be surrounded by people and be completely alone. It's not like any of them really know me. I don't even know if they like me half the time. People just want to be in a popular zone. Sometimes when I talk, everyone's so busy agreeing with me, they don't hear a word I say.
- Buffy: Well, if you feel so alone, then why do you work so hard at being popular?
- Cordelia: Well, it beats being alone all by yourself.
- Buffy: Giles, you're not gonna believe this.
- Giles: It's clear, it's what's gonna happen. It's happening now.
- Buffy: Angel?
- Angel: It can't be. You've-you've gotta be wrong.
- Giles: I've checked it against all my other volumes. It's very real.
- Angel: [about the prophecy] Well, there's gotta be some way around it.
- Giles: Listen, some prophecies are a bit dodgy. They're-they're mutable. Buffy herself has-has thwarted them time and time again, but this is the Codex. There is nothing in it that does not come to pass.
- Angel: Then you're reading it wrong.
- Giles: I wish to God I were, but it's very plain. Tomorrow night, Buffy will face the Master, and she will die.
- Angel: Well, have you verified the text?
- Buffy: [laughing and about the prophecy in which she will die] So that's it, huh? I remember the drill. One Slayer dies, next one's called. Wonder who she is? Will you train her... or will they send someone else?
- Giles: Buffy, I...
- Buffy: [whimpering] Does it say how he's gonna kill me? Do you think it'll hurt? [as Angel steps close to her] Don't touch me! Were you even gonna tell me?
- Giles: I was hoping I wouldn't have to, that there was some way around it.
- Buffy: I've got a way around it. I quit.
- Angel: It's not that simple.
- Buffy: I'm making it that simple. I quit. I resign, I-I'm fired. You can find someone else to stop The Master from taking over.
- Giles: I'm not sure that anyone else can. All the... the signs indicate...
- Buffy: [enraged, throwing books at Giles] The signs? Read me the signs! Tell me my fortune! You're so useful, sitting here with all of your books! You're really a lot of help!
- Giles: No, I don't suppose I am.
- Angel: I know this is hard.
- Buffy: What do you know about this? You're never gonna die.
- Angel: You think I want anything to happen to you? Do you think I could stand it? We just gotta figure out a way...
- Buffy: I already did. I quit, remember? Pay attention!
- Giles: Buffy, if the Master rises...
- Buffy: I don't care! I don't care. Giles, I'm 16 years old. I... I don't wanna die.
- The Master: Yes. Come forth, my child. Come into my world.
- Buffy: I don't think it's yours just yet.
- The Master: You're dead.
- Buffy: I may be dead, but I'm still pretty. Which is more than I can say for you.
- The Master: You were destined to die. It was written.
- Buffy: What can I say? I flunked the written.
- The Master: Come here.
- The Master: Where are your jibes now? Will you laugh when my Hell is on Earth?
- Buffy: You're that amped about Hell? Go there.
- Giles: The vampires?
- Cordelia: Gone.
- Angel: The Master?
- Giles: Dead. The Hellmouth is closed. Buffy? Buffy?
- Buffy: Um, sorry. It's just... been a really weird day.
- Xander: Yeah. Buffy died and everything.
- Willow: Wow. Harsh.
- Giles: I should've known that wouldn't stop you.
- Jenny: Well, what do we do now?
- Giles: I don't know about the rest of you, but I'd like to get out of this place. I don't like the library very much anymore.
- Xander: Hey, I hear there's a dance at the Bronze tonight. Could be fun.
- Cordelia: Yeah.
- Willow: Buffy?
- Buffy: Sure. We saved the world. I say we party. I mean, I got all pretty.
- Jenny: What about him?
- Buffy: He's not going anywhere. Loser.
- Giles: I'm not dancing, though.
- Jenny: We'll see. You can come with us, though.
- Xander: So, what's the story with the car?
- Cordelia: Oh, that was me.
- Buffy: I'm really, really hungry.
- Willow: [laughing]
- Angel: By the way, I really like your dress.
- Buffy: Yeah, yeah. It's a big hit with everyone.
Season 2
[edit]When She Was Bad [2.01]
[edit]- Willow: Angel stopped by? Wow, was there... Well, I mean, was it having to do with kissing?
- Buffy: Willow, grow up. Not everything is about kissing.
- Xander: Yeah, some stuff's about groping. It wasn't about groping?
- Buffy: Okay, hormones on parade here, it was pure shop talk. Remember vampires? Pointy teeth? They walk by night? Am I ringing a bell?
- Willow: What did he say?
- Buffy: Oh, something's up. Nothing I can't handle.
- Xander: Oh, hey, did you guys hear that Cibo Matto's gonna be at the Bronze tonight?
- Willow: Cibo Matto? They're playing?
- Xander: No, Willow. They're gonna be clog dancing.
- Willow: Cibo Matto can clog dance? Oh, sarcasm. Right.
- Xander: We should attend, no?
- Cordelia: Oh, look, it's the Three Musketeers.
- [The others look at each other.]
- Buffy: [to Xander] Was that an insult?
- Xander: It kind of lacked punch.
- Willow: The Three Musketeers were cool.
- Cordelia: I see your point.
- Xander: I would've gone with Stooges.
- Cordelia: Well, I just meant that you guys always hang out together. So, did you guys fight any demons this summer?
- Willow: Uh, yes, our own personal demons.
- Xander: Uh, such as-as-as lust and, um, thrift.
- Buffy: I would have to go with Stooges, also.
- Cordelia: What are you guys talking about? I'm talking about big, squiggly demons that came from the ground? Remember? Prom night? With all the vampires?
- Buffy: Cordelia? Your mouth is open. Sound is coming from it. This is never good.
- Xander: No, it's... See, we can't mention that stuff in front of other people. Buffy being the Slayer and all.
- Willow: You haven't been talking about our little adventure all summer, have you?
- Cordelia: Are you nuts? You think I would tell people that I spent the whole evening with you? Besides, it was all so creepy. That Master guy and all the screaming? I don't even like to think about it. So... your secret's safe with me.
- Buffy: Well, that works out great. You won't tell everyone that I'm a Slayer, and I won't tell anyone you're a moron.
- Xander: Now, that was a good insult.
- Willow: A little too good.
- Cordelia: What's up with her?
- Cordelia: Buffy. You're really campaigning for bitch-of-the-year, aren't you?
- Buffy: As defending champion, you nervous?
- Cordelia: [scoffs] I can hold my own. You know, we've never really been close, which is good, 'cause I don't really like you that much. But you have been known to save the world on occasion, so I'm going to give you a piece of advice.
- Buffy: Which is?
- Cordelia: Get over it.
- Buffy: Excuse me?
- Cordelia: Whatever is causing the Joan Collins 'tude, deal with it. Embrace the pain, spank your inner moppet, whatever, but get over it. 'Cause pretty soon you're not even gonna have the loser friends you've got now.
- Willow: She's possessed!
- Giles: Possessed?
- Willow: That's the only explanation that makes any sense. I mean, you should've seen her last night. That wasn't Buffy.
- Xander: Are we overlooking the idea that she may be very attracted to me? [gets looks from the others and concedes] She's possessed.
- Giles: Possessed by what?
- Willow: Aaaaa possessing thing!
- Giles: [sarcastically] Well, that narrows it down.
- Xander: Well, you're the expert. Hey, maybe when the Master killed her some... mystical bad guy transference thing happened.
- Willow: That's what it was! I mean, why else would she be acting like such a b-i-t-c-h?
- Giles: Willow, I think we're all a little too old to be spelling things out.
- Xander: A bitcuh?
- Xander: Buffy. Buffy! We got to do something now.
- Buffy. You two get the others out of here.
- Angel: We need to distract the vampires.
- Buffy: Right.
- Xander: What are you gonna do?
- Buffy: I'm going to kill them all. That ought to distract them.
- Cordelia: What an ordeal. And you know what the worst part is?
- Jenny: Hmm?
- Cordelia: It stays with you forever. No matter what they tell you, none of that rust and blood and grime comes out. I mean, you can dry-clean till Judgment Day, you are living with those stains.
- Jenny: Yeah, that's the worst part of being hung upside down by a vampire who wants to slit your throat-- the stains.
- Cordelia: I hear you.
- Buffy: I don't think I can face them.
- Giles: Hmm? Of course you can.
- Buffy: I can't. What am I supposed to say? "Sorry I almost got your throats slit. What's the homework?"
- Giles: Punishing yourself like this is pointless.
- Buffy: It's entirely pointy. I was a moron. I put my best friends in mortal danger on the second day of school.
- Giles: What are you gonna do, crawl inside a cave for the rest of your life?
- Buffy: Would it have cable?
- Giles: Buffy, you acted wrongly, I admid that, but believe me, that was hardly the worst mistake you'll ever make. That wasn't quite as comforting as it was meant to be.
- Buffy: Well, points for effort. I'll see you.
Some Assembly Required [2.02]
[edit]- Buffy: Are you jealous?
- Angel: [laughs] Of Xander? Please. He's just a kid.
- Buffy: Is it 'cause I danced with him?
- Angel: Danced with is a pretty loose term. Mated with might be a little closer.
- Buffy: Don't you think you're being a little unfair? It was one little dance, which I only did to make you crazy, by the way. Behold my success.
- Angel: I am not jealous.
- Buffy: You're not jealous? What, vampires don't get jealous?
- Angel: See? Whenever we fight you always bring up the vampire thing.
- Xander: [digging in the grave yard as the girls watch] Y'know, this might go a lot faster if you femmes actually picked up a shovel, too.
- Giles: [stopping, almost breathless] Hear, hear.
- Buffy: Sorry, but I'm an old-fashioned gal. I was raised to believe that men dig up the corpses and the women have the babies.
- Buffy: I don't get it. Why would anybody wanna make a girl?
- Xander: [bitterly] You mean when there's so many pre-made ones just laying around? The things we do for love.
- Buffy: Love has nothing to do with this.
- Xander: Maybe not, but I'll tell you this: people don't fall in love with what's right in front of them. People want the dream. What they can't have. The more unattainable, the more attractive.
- Xander: Well, I guess that makes it official. Everybody's paired off. The vampires get dates. Hell, even the school librarian sees more action than me. You ever think that the world's a giant game of musical chairs, and the music's stopped and we're the only ones who don't have a chair?
- Willow: All the time.
- Cordelia: Xander, I just wanted to thank you for saving my life. What you did in there was really brave and heroic, and I just wanted to tell you if there was anything that I could ever do to...
- Xander: Do you mind? We're talking here. [Cordelia is taken aback, rolls her eyes and leaves] So where were we?
- Willow: Wondering why we never get dates.
- Xander: Yeah. So why do you think that is?
- Buffy: God, the whole thing was so creepy. At the same time, I mean, he did do it all for his brother.
- Angel: Sounds like he took it a little over the edge.
- Buffy: Love makes you do the wacky.
- Angel: What?
- Buffy: Crazy stuff.
- Angel: Oh. Crazy, like a 241-year-old being jealous of a high school junior?
- Buffy: Are you 'fessing up?
- Angel: I thought about it. Maybe it bothers me a little.
- Buffy: I don't love Xander.
- Angel: Yeah, but he's in your life. He gets to be there when I can't. Take your classes, eat your meals. Hear your jokes and complaints. He gets to see you in the sunlight.
- Buffy: I don't look that good in direct light.
- Angel: It'll be morning soon.
- Buffy: I should probably go. I could walk you home.
School Hard [2.03]
[edit]- "Big Ugly": This weekend, the Night of St. Vigeous, our power shall be at its peak. When I kill her, it'll be the greatest event since the crucifixion. And I should know. I was there.
- Spike: You were there? Please! If every vampire who said he was at the crucifixion actually was there, it would've been like Woodstock.
- "Big Ugly": I oughta rip your throat out.
- Spike: I was actually at Woodstock. That was a weird gig. I fed off a flower person, and then I spent the next six hours watching my hand move...
- ["Big Ugly" rushes at Spike, who punches him out without even looking]
- Spike: [to the Anointed One] So, who do you kill for fun around here?
- The Anointed One: Who are you?
- Spike: Spike. You're that Anointed guy. I read about you. You got Slayer problems, that's a bad piece of luck. Do you know what I've found works real good with Slayers? Killing them.
- The Anointed One: Can you?
- Spike: [glancing at "Big Ugly"] A lot faster than Nancy-boy there. Yeah, I did a couple of Slayers in my time. I don't like to brag... [scoffs] Who am I kidding? I love to brag!
- Buffy: We were at the Bronze before. Thought you said you might show.
- Angel: You said you weren't sure if you were going.
- Buffy: I was being cool. C'mon, you've been dating for, what, like, two hundred years? You don't know what a girl means when she says maybe she'll show?
- Willow: Wow. Two centuries of dating. If you only had two a year, that's still like 400 dates with 400 different... [awkward beat.] Why do they call it a mace?
- Angel: I taught you to always guard your perimeter. [tuts] You should have someone out there.
- Spike: I did. I'm surrounded by idiots. What's new with you?
- Angel: Everything.
- Spike: Yeah. Come up against this slayer yet?
- Angel: She's cute. Not too bright, though. Gave her the puppy dog "I'm all tortured" act. Keeps her off my back when I feed.
- Spike: People still fall for that Anne Rice routine? What a world!
- Xander: [to Angel] I knew you were lying. Undead liar guy.
- Spike: [holding a pole] Fee-fi-fo-fum, I smell the blood of a nice ripe [turns to see Buffy, holding an axe] ...girl.
- Buffy: Do we really need weapons for this?
- Spike: I just like them, they make me feel all manly.
- [They both drop their weapons]
- Spike: The last Slayer I killed - she begged for her life. You don't strike me as the begging kind.
- Buffy: You shouldn't have come here.
- Spike: No. I've messed up your doilies and stuff. But I just got so bored! I'll tell you what. As a personal favor from me to you, I'll make it quick. It won't hurt a bit.
- Buffy: No, Spike. It's gonna hurt a lot.
- Drusilla: Spike, did she hurt you?
- Spike: It was close, baby, but--
- Drusilla: Aw, come here.
- Spike: [sighs] A Slayer with family and friends. That sure as hell wasn't in the brochure.
- Drusilla: You'll kill her. And then we'll have a nice celebration.
- Spike: Yeah, a party.
- Drusilla: Yeah, with streamers, and songs.
- Spike: How's the Annoying One?
- Drusilla: He's doesn't want to play.
- Spike: [snorts] Figures. Well, suppose I better go make nice.
- The Anointed One: You failed.
- Spike: I, um... I offer penance.
- Vampire: Penance?! You should lay down your life! Our numbers are depleted. The feast of St. Vigeous has been ruined by your impatience!
- Spike: I was rash... and if I had to do it all over again... [laughing] Who am I kidding? I would do it... exactly the same. Only I'd do this... first!
- The Anointed One: No!
- Spike: From now on, we're gonna have a little less ritual, and a little more fun around here.
- The Anointed One: [screaming]
- Spike: Let's see what's on TV.
Inca Mummy Girl [2.04]
[edit]- Giles: You have responsibilities that other girls do not.
- Buffy: Oh! I know this one! Slaying entails certain sacrifices, blah blah biddy blah, I'm so stuffy, give me a scone.
- Giles: It's as if you know me.
- Devon MacLeish: What does a girl have to do to impress you?
- Oz: Well, it involves a feather boa and the theme to A Summer Place. I can't discuss it here.
- Devon: You're too picky, man. Do you know how many girls you could have? You're lead guitar, Oz. It's currency!
- Oz: I'm not picky. You're just impressed by any pretty girl that can walk and talk.
- Devon: She doesn't have to talk.
- Ampata: Buffy, I do not have any lipstick.
- Buffy: Oh, you can borrow one of mine. There should be some on the desk.
- Ampata: What is that?
- Buffy: The station sent the rest of your stuff.
- Ampata: Oh, of-of course. I-I forgot all about it. I will unpack it later.
- Buffy: No worries. I can do it.
- Ampata: But you must get ready for the dance.
- Buffy: I'm not going.
- Ampata: Why not?
- Buffy: I have work to do, Crime Club work. It's really nothing for you to worry about.
- Ampata: Oh, I am not worried, thanks to Xander.
- Buffy: He seems very happy around you.
- Ampata: I am happy, too. Mmm, this one?
- Buffy: Oh, no, that clashes. There should be a gold one in there somewhere.
- Ampata: Thank you. You're always thinking of others before yourself. You remind me of someone from very long ago, the Inca Princess.
- Buffy: Cool. A princess.
- Ampata: They told her that she was the only one, that only she could defend her people from the netherworld. Out of all the girls in her generation, she was the only one--
- Buffy: Chosen.
- Ampata: You know the story?
- Buffy: It's fairly familiar.
- Ampata: She was 16, like us. She was offered as a sacrifice and went to her death. Who knows what she had to give up to fulfill her duty to others? What chance at love?
- Buffy: Who knows? I'll just unpack the rest of your stuff for you.
- Ampata: No, really, let me.
- Buffy: Oh! That's Xander and Willow. I'll get it.
- Xander: Okay, I have something to tell you. And it's kind of a secret, and it's, um, a little bit scary. I like you. A lot. And I want you to go to with me the dance.
- Ampata: [laughs] Why was that so scary?
- Xander: Well, because you never know if a girl's gonna say 'yes', or if... she's gonna laugh in your face and pull out your still beating heart and crush it into the ground with her heel.
- Ampata: Hmm. Then you are very courageous.
- Xander: I'm really the fun, talking guy today, huh? Sorry.
- Buffy: That's okay. We don't have to talk.
- Xander: I just, present company excluded, I have the worst taste in women of anyone in the world, ever.
- Buffy: Ampata wasn't evil. At least not to begin with. And... I-I do think she cared about you.
- Xander: Yeah, but I think that whole sucking the life out of people thing would have been a strain on the relationship.
- Buffy: She was gypped. She was just a girl, and she had her life taken away from her. I remember how I felt when I heard the prophecy that I was gonna die. I wasn't exactly obsessed with doing the right thing.
- Xander: Yeah, but you did. You gave up your life.
- Buffy: I had you to bring me back.
Reptile Boy [2.05]
[edit]- Angel: There's blood on it.
- Buffy: Hi. It's nice to... blood?
- Angel: I can smell it.
- Buffy: Oh. It's pretty thin. It probably belonged to a girl.
- Angel: Probably.
- Buffy: [chuckles] I was just... thinking, wouldn't it be funny sometime to see each other when it wasn't a blood thing. Not funny "ha-ha."
- Angel: What are you saying, you want to have a date?
- Buffy: No.
- Angel: You don't want to have a date?
- Buffy: Who said "date"? I-I never said "date".
- Angel: Right. You just want to have coffee or something.
- Buffy: Coffee?
- Angel: I knew this was gonna happen.
- Buffy: What? What do you think is happening?
- Angel: You're 16 years old, I'm 241.
- Buffy: I've done the math.
- Angel: You don't know what you're doing, you don't know what you want.
- Buffy: Oh, no, I-I think I do. I want out of this conversation.
- Angel: Listen, if we date, you and I both know one thing's gonna lead to another.
- Buffy: One thing already has led to another. You think it's a little late to be reading me a warning label?
- Angel: I'm just trying to protect you. This could get out of control.
- Buffy: Isn't that the way it's supposed to be? (gasps)
- Angel: [grabs her roughly] This isn't some fairytale. When I kiss you, you don't wake up from a deep sleep and live happily ever after.
- Buffy: No. When you kiss me, I want to die.
- Buffy: Well, say it.
- Xander: I'm not gonna say it.
- Willow: You lied to Giles.
- Xander: 'Cause she will.
- Buffy: I wasn't lying. I was just... protecting him from information that he wouldn't be able to... digest properly.
- Xander: Like a corn dog.
- Willow: Like you don't have a sick mother, but you'd rather go to a frat party where there's gonna be drinking and older guys and probably an orgy.
- Xander: Whoa! Whoa-ho-ho, rewind. Since when do they have orgies, and why aren't I on the mailing list?
- Buffy: There's no orgies!
- Buffy: Angel barely says two words to me.
- Xander: Don't you hate that?
- Buffy: And when he does, he treats me like I'm a child.
- Xander: That bastard!
- Buffy: You know, at least Tom can carry on a conversation.
- Xander: Yeah! [pause] Tom? Who's Tom?
- Willow: The frat guy.
- Xander: Oh, Buffy, I don't think so. Frying pan, fire? You know what I'm sayin'?
- Giles: She lied to me?
- Willow: Well...
- Angel: Did... she have a date?
- Willow: [to Angel] Well, why do you think she went to that party? Because you gave her the brush-off! [to Giles] And you never let her do anything except work and patrol! And I know she's the Chosen One, but you're killing her with the pressure! I mean, she's sixteen going on forty! [to Angel] And you! I mean, you're gonna live forever! You don't have time for a cup of coffee?? [Awkward beat] Okay, I don't feel better now, and we've got to help Buffy.
- Cordelia: You did it. You saved us. I've never been so happy to see anyone in my whole. You guys. I just... hate you guys. The weirdest things always happen when you around. And you, you're going to jail for 15,000 years.
- Buffy: I told one lie. I had one drink.
- Giles: Yes, and you were very nearly devoured by a giant demon snake. The words "let that be a lesson" are a tad redundant at this juncture.
- Buffy: I'm sorry.
- Giles: So am I. I... I drive you too hard because I know what you have to face. From now on, no-no more pushing, no more prodding. Just, um, an inordinate amount of nudging.
- Willow: It's too bad we can't sneak a look at the Watcher Diaries and read up on Angel. I'm sure it's full of fun facts to know and tell.
- Buffy: Yeah. It's too bad. That stuff is private.
- Willow: Also Giles keeps them in his office. In his personal files.
- Buffy: Most importantly, it would be wrong.
- [cut to Willow and Buffy sneaking into the library]
- Buffy: Angel's a vampire, I thought you knew.
- Cordelia: Oh, he's a vampire! Of course! But the cuddly kind, like a Care Bear with fangs.
- Willow: It's true.
- Cordelia: You know what I think? I just think you're trying to scare me off 'cause you're afraid of the competition. Look, Buffy, you may be hot stuff when it comes to demonology or whatever, but when it comes to dating, I'm the Slayer.
- [Buffy admonishes Willow on her choice of a boring ghost costume.]
- Buffy: It's just ... You're never gonna get noticed if you keep hiding! You're missing the whole point of Halloween.
- Willow: Free candy?
- Buffy: It's "come as you aren't" night! The perfect chance for a girl to get sexy and wild, with no repercussions.
- Willow: Oh, I don't get wild. Wild on me equals spaz.
- Buffy: Ta-da. Just little old 20th-century me.
- Angel: You sure you're okay?
- Buffy: I'll live.
- Angel: I don't get it, Buffy. Why'd you think I'd like you better dressed that way?
- Buffy: I just... I wanted to be a real girl for once. The kind of fancy girl you liked when you were my age.
- Angel: Oh.
- Buffy: Oh, what?
- Angel: I hated the girls back then. Especially the noblewomen.
- Buffy: You did.
- Angel: They were just incredibly dull. Simpering morons, the lot of them. I always wished I could meet someone exciting... Interesting.
- Buffy: Really? Interesting how?
- Angel: You know how.
- Buffy: Still, I had a really hard day, and you should probably tell me.
- Angel: You're right. I should.
- Buffy: Definitely.
- Cordelia: I just don't see why everyone's always picking on Marie Antoinette. I can so relate to her. She worked really hard to look that good, and people just don't appreciate that kind of effort. And I know the peasants were all depressed ...
- Xander: I think you mean oppressed.
- Cordelia: Whatever. They were cranky. So they're like, "Let's lose some heads." Uh! That's fair. And Marie-Antoinette cared about them. She was gonna let them have cake!
- Willow: Uh, Angel? If I say something you really don't want to hear, do you promise not to bite me?
- Angel: Are you going to tell me that I'm jealous?
- Willow: Well, you do sometimes get that way.
- Angel: You know, I never used to. Things used to be pretty simple. A hundred years, just hanging out, feeling guilty ... I really honed my brooding skills. Then she comes along. Yeah, I get jealous. But I know people. And my gut tells me this is a wrong guy.
- Angel: Do you love me?
- Buffy: What?
- Angel: Do you?
- Buffy: I love you. I don't know if I trust you.
- Angel: Maybe you shouldn't do either.
- Buffy: Maybe I'm the one who should decide!
- Angel: I did a lot of unconscionable things when I became a vampire. Drusilla was the worst. She was ... an obsession of mine. She was pure, and sweet, and chaste.
- Buffy: And you made her a vampire.
- Angel: First I made her insane. Killed everybody she loved. Visited every mental torture on her I could devise. She eventually fled to a convent, and on the day she took her holy orders, I turned her into a demon.
- Buffy: Well. I asked for the truth.
- Ford: I'm sorry, Summers. Did I screw up your righteous anger riff? Does the nest of tumors liquefying my brain kinda spoil the fun?
- Buffy: I'm sorry. I had no idea. But what you're doing is still very wrong.
- Ford: Okay, well, you try vomiting for twenty-four hours straight because the pain in your head is so intense, and then we'll discuss the concept of right and wrong. These people are sheep. They're wanna be vampires 'cause they're lonely, miserable or bored. I don't have a choice.
- Buffy: You have a choice. You don't have a good choice, but you have a choice. You're opting for mass murder here, and nothing you say is gonna make that okay.
- Ford: You think I need to justify myself to you?
- Buffy: I think this is all part of your little fantasy drama. Isn't this exactly how you imagined it? You tell me how you've suffered and I feel sorry for you. Well, I do feel sorry for you, and if those vampires come in here and start feeding, I'll kill you myself.
- Ford: You know what, Summers? I really did miss you.
- Buffy: I don't know what I'm supposed to say.
- Giles: You needn't say anything.
- Buffy: It'd be simpler if I could just hate him. I think he wanted me to. I think it made it easier for him to be the villain of the piece. Really, he was just scared.
- Giles: Yes, I suppose he was.
- Buffy: Nothing's ever simple anymore. I'm constanly trying to work it out. Who to love or hate. Who to trust. And it's just, like, the more I know the more confused I get.
- Giles: I believe that's called growing up.
- Buffy: I'd like to stop then, okay?
- Giles: I know the feeling.
- Buffy: Does it ever get easy?
- [Ford rises from the ground and attacks Buffy, she stakes him]
- Giles: You mean life?
- Buffy: Yeah. Does it get easy?
- Giles: What do you want me to say?
- Buffy: Lie to me.
- Giles: Yes, it's terribly simple. The good guys are always stalwart and true. The bad guys are easily distinguished by their pointy horns or black hats. And, uh, we always defeat them and save the day. No one ever dies, and everybody lives happily ever after.
- Buffy: Liar.
The Dark Age [2.08]
[edit]- Xander: Giles lived for school. He's actually still bitter that there are only twelve grades.
- Buffy: He probably sat in math class thinking, "There should be more math. This could be mathier."
- Giles: Um, a medical transport is delivering the monthly supply of blood to the hospital.
- Buffy: Mm. Vampire Meals-On-Wheels.
- Ethan Rayne: Well we can't run. Eyghon will find us. This mark's like a homing beacon.
- Buffy: It's okay. I'm not much into running.
- Ethan Rayne: Aren't we manly?
- Buffy: One of us is.
- Ethan Rayne: If you think of it karmically this is, this is really big for your soul. You know, taking my place with the demon. Giving, so that others may live.
- Buffy: I'm gonna kill you. Will that blow the whole karma thing?
- Buffy: Hey. Is she okay?
- Giles: Um... the hills are not alive.
- Buffy: I'm sorry to hear that, I think.
- Giles: I don't think she'll ever really forgive me. Maybe she shouldn't.
- Buffy: Maybe you should.
- Giles: I never wanted you to see that side of me.
- Buffy: I'm not gonna lie to you. It was scary. I'm so used to you being a grownup. And then I find out that you're a person.
- Giles: Oh, most grownups are.
- Buffy: Who would've thought?
- Giles: Some are even, uh, shortsighted, foolish people.
- Buffy: So, after all this time, we finally find out that we do have something in common. Which, apart from being a little weird... is kind of okay. I think we're supposed to be training right now.
- Giles: Yes, yes. Um, need to concentrate on your flexibility.
- Buffy: And you know what? I have just the perfect music. Go on, say it. You know you want to.
- Giles: It's not music, it's just, uh, meaningless sounds.
- Buffy: There. Feel better?
- Giles: Yes. Thanks. Bay City Rollers. Now, that's music.
- Buffy: I didn't hear that.
What's My Line, Part One [2.09]
[edit]- Xander: What, and suck all the spontaneity out of being young and stupid? I'd rather live in the dark.
- Willow: You're not gonna be young forever.
- Xander: Yes, but I'll always be stupid. [silence. He looks around] Let's not all rush to disagree.
- Buffy: I wish we could be regular kids.
- Angel: Yeah. I'll never be a kid.
- Buffy: Okay, then a regular kid and her cradle-robbing, creature-of-the-night boyfriend.
- Dalton: Yes, but ... The Order of Taraka. I mean, isn't that overkill?
- Spike: No, I think it's just enough kill.
- Cordelia: I can't even believe you. You dragged me out of bed for a ride? What am I, mass transportation?
- Xander: That's what a lot of the guys say, but it's just locker room talk. I wouldn't pay it any mind.
- Cordelia: Oh, great, so now I'm your taxi and your punching bag.
- Xander: I like to think of you more as my witless foil, but have it your way.
- Kendra: Who are you?
- Buffy: Who am I? You attack me. Who the hell are you?
- Kendra: I'm Kendra, the Vampire Slayer.
What's My Line, Part Two [2.10]
[edit]- Cordelia: You know what? I'm going. I'd rather be worm food than look at your pathetic face!
- Xander: Then go! I'm not stopping you!
- Cordelia: I bet you wouldn't. I bet you'd let a girl go off to her doom all by herself!
- Xander: Not just any girl. You're special.
- Cordelia: I can't believe that I'm stuck spending what will probably be my last few moments on Earth here with you!
- Xander: I hope these are my last few moments. Three more seconds with you and I'm gonna...
- Cordelia: "I'm gonna" what? [steps closer] Coward!
- Xander: Moron!
- Cordelia: I hate you!
- Xander: I hate you!
- [They kiss]
- Xander: ...We so need to get out of here!
- Cordelia: [nods, frightened] Uh huh.
- Willow: There's a Slayer handbook?
- Buffy: Wait. Handbook? What handbook? How come I don't have a handbook?
- Willow: Is there a T-shirt, too? 'Cause that would be cool...
- Giles: After meeting you, Buffy, I realized that, uh, the handbook would be of no use in your case.
- Buffy: Well, what do you mean it would be of no use in my case? Wha- what's wrong with my case?
- Buffy: It's your lucky day, Spike.
- Kendra: Two Slayers.
- Buffy: No waiting.
- Oz: Oh, hey. Animal cracker?
- Willow: No, thank you. How's your arm?
- Oz: Suddenly painless.
- Willow: You can still play the guitar okay?
- Oz: Well, not well, but not worse.
- Willow: You know, I never really thanked you.
- Oz: Oh, yeah, please don't. I don't do thanks. I get all red. Have to bail. It's not pretty.
- Willow: Well, then, forget-that thing, especially with the part where I kind of owe you my life.
- [Oz pulls a cracker from the box, hoping to change the subject.]
- Oz: Oh, look, a monkey. And he has a little hat, and little pants.
- Willow: Yeah, I-I see.
- Oz: The monkey's the only cookie animal that gets to wear clothes, you know that? You have the sweetest smile I've ever seen. So I'm wondering, do the other cookie animals feel sort of ripped? Like, is the hippo going, "Hey, man, where are my pants? I have my hippo dignity." And, you know, the monkey's just, [in French accent] "I mock you with my monkey pants."
- Willow: [laughs]
- Oz: And there's a big coup in the zoo.
- Willow: The monkey is French?
- Oz: All monkeys are French. You didn't know that?
- Willow: No. [chuckles]
- Kendra: Thank you for the shirt. It was very generous of you.
- Buffy: Hey, it looks better on-- well, me, but no worries. Now, when we get to the airport...
- Kendra: I get on the plane with me ticket, and sit in a seat, not the cargo hold.
- Buffy: Very good.
- Kendra: That is not traveling undercover.
- Buffy: Exactly. Relax. You earned it. Sit in your seat, you eat your peanuts, you watch the movie-- well, unless it's about a dog or Chevy Chase.
- Kendra: I'll remember.
- Buffy: I, um... I just wanted to thank you for helping me save Angel.
- Kendra: I'm not telling me Watcher about that. It is too strange that a Slayer loves a vampire.
- Buffy: Tell me about it.
- Kendra: Still, he is pretty cute.
- Buffy: Well, maybe they won't fire me for dating him.
- Kendra: You always do that.
- Buffy: Do what?
- Kendra: You talk about slaying like it's a job. It's not. It's who you are.
- Buffy: Did you get that from your handbook?
- Kendra: From you.
- Buffy: I guess it's something I really can't fight. I'm a freak.
- Kendra: Not the only freak.
- Buffy: Not anymore.
- Kendra: I don't hug.
- Buffy: Right. No. Good. Hate hugs.
- Willow: And you're loving playing nursemaid?
- Buffy: Oh, yeah!
- Xander: So, is it better than playing naughty stewardess?
- Buffy: Vampires are creeps.
- Giles: Yes, that's why one slays them.
- Buffy: I mean, people are perfectly happy getting along, and then vampires come, and they run around and they kill people, and they take over your whole house, they start making these stupid little mini-pizzas, and everyone's like, "I like your mini pizzas", but I'm telling you, I am—
- Giles: Uh, Buffy! I believe the subtext here is rapidly becoming, uh... text.
- Buffy: So Mom's like, "Do you think Ted will like this?" and "This is Ted's favorite show", and "Ted's teaching me computers", and "Ted said the funniest thing", and I'm like, "That's really great, Mom", and then she said I was being sarcastic, which I was, but I'm sorry if I don't wanna talk about Ted all the time.
- Angel: So, you gonna talk about something else at some point?
- Buffy: I'm sorry. I just have so much to deal with, I don't need some new guy in my life.
- Angel: No, but maybe your mom does.
- Buffy: Well, sure, if you're gonna use wisdom.
- Angel: Loneliness is about the scariest thing there is.
- Buffy: Okay, so my mom needs a guy in her life. Does it have to be Ted?
- Angel: Do you have somebody else in mind? There's a guy out there that would satisfy you?
- Buffy: My dad? Yeah, okay, that's not gonna happen. Fine, fine, I'll give Ted a chance. I'll play mini-golf, and I'll smile and curtsy and be the dutiful daughter. Do I have to like him?
- Angel: Kiss me.
- Buffy: Finally, something I wanna do!
- Cordelia: I don't get it. Buffy's the Slayer. Shouldn't she have...
- Xander: What, a license to kill?
- Cordelia: Well, not for fun! But she's, like, this Superman! Shouldn't there be different rules for her?
- Willow: Sure, in a fascist society.
- Cordelia: Right! Why can't we have one of those?
- Willow: Buffy's not going to jail. It's not fair.
- Giles: Whatever the authorities have planned for her, it can't be much worse than what she's doing to herself. She's taken a human life. The guilt, it... it's, it's pretty hard to bear, and it won't go away soon.
- Cordelia: I guess you should know, since you helped raise that demon that killed that guy that time?
- Giles: Yes. Do let's bring that up as often as possible.
- Willow: And the sad thing is, the real Ted must have been a genius. There were design features in that robot that predate--
- Buffy: Willow, tell me you didn't keep any parts.
- Willow: Not any big ones...
- Buffy: Oh, Will, you're supposed to use your powers for good!
- Willow: I just wanna learn stuff.
- Cordelia: Like how to build your own serial killer?
- Xander: Well, it's so hard to rent one nowadays.
- Joyce: It's an outfit. An outfit that you may never buy.
- Buffy: But I looked good in it.
- Joyce: You looked like a streetwalker.
- Buffy: But a thin streetwalker. (pauses) That's probably not gonna be the winning argument, is it?
- Joyce: You're just too young to wear that.
- Buffy: Yeah, and I'm gonna be too young to wear it until I'm too old to wear it.
- Joyce: That's the idea.
- Buffy: Did Mr. Whitmore notice I was tardy?
- Xander: I think the word you're searching for is absent.
- Willow: Tardy people show. And yes, he did notice, so he wanted me to give you this. [hands Buffy an egg]
- Buffy: As far as punishments go, this is fairly abstract.
- Willow: No, it's your baby!
- Buffy: Okay, I get it even less.
- Xander: You know it's the whole sex leads to responsibility thing, which I personally don't get. You gotta take care of the egg, it's a baby. You gotta keep it safe and teach it Christian values.
- Willow: My egg is Jewish.
- Xander: Then teach it that dreidel song.
- Willow: Hey, maybe you can have Angel help you find the Gorches.
- Giles: Yes! Yes, yes, that's not a bad idea. Strength in numbers.
- Xander: Oh, right. I see a lotta hunting getting done in that scenario.
- Buffy: Please. Like Angel and I are just helpless slaves to passion. Grow up! [cut to Buffy and Angel on patrol making out]
- Xander: Which is another secret to conscientious egg care. A pot of scalding water and about eight minutes.
- Willow: You boiled your young?
- Giles: I suppose there is a sort of Machiavellian ingenuity to your transgression.
- Xander: I resent that! Or possibly thank you.
- Giles: A little of both might be appropriate.
- Angel: So you don't think about the future?
- Buffy: No.
- Angel: Never?
- Buffy: No.
- Angel: You really don't care what happens a year from now? Five years from now?
- Buffy: Angel, when I look into the future, all I see is you! All I want is you.
- Angel: I know the feeling.
- [Buffy tells Angel about her dream, in which Drusilla kills him.]
- Angel: Still, not every dream you have comes true. I mean, what else did you dream last night? Can you remember?
- Buffy: I dreamt ... I dreamt that Giles and I opened an office supply warehouse in Vegas.
- Angel: You see my point?
- [Buffy prods Willow about her interest in Oz.]
- Willow: Oh, I don't know, though. He is a senior.
- Buffy: You think he's too old 'cause he's a senior? Please. My boyfriend had a bicentennial.
- ...
- Buffy: You can't spend the rest of your life waiting for Xander to wake up and smell the hottie. Make a move. Do the talking thing.
- Willow: Well, what if the talking thing becomes the awkward-silence thing?
- Oz: I'm gonna ask you to go out with me tomorrow night. And I'm kinda nervous about it, actually. It's interesting.
- Willow: Oh! Well, if it helps at all, I'm gonna say "yes."
- Oz: Yeah, it helps. It ... it creates a comfort zone. ... Do you wanna go out with me tomorrow night?
- Willow: [slaps forehead] Oh! I can't!
- Oz: Well, see, I like that you're unpredictable.
- Willow: Oh ... It's just, it's Buffy's birthday, and we're throwing her a surprise party.
- Oz: It's okay.
- Willow: But you could come! If you wanted.
- Oz: Well, I don't want to crash.
- Willow: No, it's fine! You could be my ... my date.
- Oz: All right. I'm in. [nods farewell when she indicates she's ready to leave]
- Willow: [walks off, delighted with the encounter] I said "date"!
- Willow: Are you okay?
- Oz: Yeah. Hey, did everybody see that guy just turn to dust?
- Willow: Ohhh, well ... sort of.
- Xander: Yep. Vampires are real, a lot of 'em live in Sunnydale, Willow will fill you in.
- Willow: I know it's hard to accept at first.
- Oz: Actually, it explains a lot.
- [The Judge has captured both Buffy and Angel.]
- Angel: Leave her alone!
- Spike: That'll work. Now say pretty please.
- Angel: Take me instead.
- Spike: Apparently, you're not familiar with the concept. There is no instead, only firsts and seconds.
- Drusilla: And if you go first, you don't get to watch the Slayer die.
- Spike: Hurts, doesn't it??
- Angelus: Well, you know, it kinda itches a little.
- Spike: Don't just stand there. Burn him.
- Angelus: Gee, maybe he's broken.
- Spike: What the hell is going on?
- Judge: This one ... cannot be burnt. He is clean.
- Spike: Clean? You mean, he's ...
- Judge: There's no humanity in him.
- Angelus: I couldn't have said it better myself.
- Drusilla: Angelus.
- Angelus: Yeah, baby. I'm back.
- ...
- Spike: No more of this 'I've got a soul' crap?
- Angelus: What can I say, hmm? I was going through a phase.
- ...
- Spike: You've really got a yen to hurt this girl, haven't you?
- Angelus: She made me feel like a human being. That's not the kind of thing you just forgive.
- Willow: I knew it! I knew it! Well, not knew it in the sense of having the slightest idea, but I knew there was something I didn't know. You two were fighting way too much. It's not natural!
- Xander: I know it's weird ...
- Willow: Weird? It's against all laws of God and Man! It's Cordelia! Remember? The, the 'We Hate Cordelia Club', of which you are the treasurer.
- Xander: Look, I was gonna tell you.
- Willow: Gee, what stopped you? Could it be shame?
- Xander: All right, let's over-react, shall we?
- Willow: But I'm ...
- Xander: Willow. We were just kissing. It doesn't mean that much.
- Willow: No. ... It just means you'd rather be with someone you hate, than be with me.
- Angelus: [about last night, when they had sex] What? I took off.
- Buffy: But you didn't say anything. You just left.
- Angelus: Yeah. Like I really wanted to stick around after that.
- Buffy: What?
- Angelus: You got a lot to learn about men, kiddo. Although I guess you proved that last night.
- Buffy: What are you saying?
- Angelus: Let's not make an issue out of it, okay? In fact, let's not talk about it at all. It happened.
- Buffy: I, I don't understand. Was it m-me? Was I not good?
- Angelus: You were great. Really. I thought you were a pro.
- Spike: Now, I know you haven't been in the game for a while, mate, but we still do kill people. Sort of our raison d'être, you know.
- ...
- Angelus: Spike, my boy, you really don't get it, do you? You tried to kill her, but you couldn't. Look at you. You're a wreck! She's stronger than any Slayer you've ever faced. Force won't get it done. You gotta work from the inside. To kill this girl ... you have to love her.
- Giles: It's not over. I suppose you know that. He'll come after you, particularly. His profile ... he's likely to strike out at the things that made him the most human.
- Buffy: You must be so disappointed in me.
- Giles: No. No no, I'm not.
- Buffy: This is all my fault.
- Giles: I don't believe it is. Do you want me to wag my finger at you and tell you that you acted rashly? You did. And I can. I know that you loved him. And, he ... he's proven more than once that he loved you. You couldn't have known what would happen. The coming months are, are going to be hard, I suspect on all of us. But if it's guilt you're looking for, Buffy, I'm not your man. All you will get from me is my support. And my respect.
- Willow: We have a lot of fun, but I want smoochies!
- Buffy: Have you dropped any hints?
- Willow: I've dropped anvils.
- Buffy: Well, he'll come around. What guy could resist your wily Willow charms?
- Willow: At last count? All of them, maybe more.
- Buffy: Well, none of them know a thing! They all get an "F" in Willow.
- Willow: But I want Oz to get an "A," and, oh, one of those gold stars!
- Buffy: But I would do a lot better if you and Xander and I could do that "sharing our misery" thing tonight.
- Willow: Great. I'll give Xander a call. What's his number? Oh, yeah 1-800-I'm-Dating-A-Skanky-Ho.
- Buffy: Meow!
- Willow: Thanks, I haven't gotten a "Meow" before.
- Giles: Quite. And it, uh, acts on-on pure instinct. No conscience, uh, uh, predatory and-and aggressive.
- Buffy: In other words, your typical male.
- Xander: On behalf of my gender, hey!
- Giles: Yes, let's not jump to any conclusions.
- Buffy: I didn't jump. I took a tiny step, and there conclusions were.
- Buffy: [to Willow] Welcome to the mystery that is men. I think it goes something like, they grow body hair, they lose all ability to tell you what they really want.
- Oz: You mean... you'd still...
- Willow: Well, I like you. You're nice, and you're funny, and you don't smoke. Yeah, okay, werewolf, but that's not all the time. I mean, three days out of the month, I'm not much fun to be around either.
- Oz: You are quite the human.
- Willow: So I'd still, if you'd still.
- Oz: I'd still. I'd very still!
- Willow: Okay. No biting, though.
- Oz: Agreed.
- [Willow walks off, then runs back and gives Oz a quick but thorough kiss. She leaves again.]
- Oz: Huh. A werewolf in love.
- Xander: I wish dating was like slaying. You know, simple, direct, stake to the heart, no muss, no fuss.
- Buffy: Sorry to say, Xand, slaying is a tad more perilous than dating.
- Xander: Well, you're obviously not dating Cordelia.
- Angelus: Dear Buffy. I'm still trying to decide the best way to send my regards.
- Spike: Why don't you rip her lungs out? It might make an impression.
- Angelus: Lacks... poetry.
- Spike: It doesn't have to. What rhymes with lungs?
- Drusilla: Don't worry, Spike. Angel always knows...what speaks to a girl's heart.
- Willow: Don't be so jumpy... I've been in your bed before.
- Xander: Yeah, but Will, we were both in footy pajamas.
- Xander: Buff, for the love of God, don't open that raincoat.
- Buffy: Come on! It's a party! Aren't you gonna open your present?
- Xander: It's not that I don't want to. Sometimes the remote impossible possibility that you might like me was all that sustained me. But not now. Not like this. This isn't real to you, you're only here because of a spell. I mean, if I thought you had one clue what it would mean to me, but you don't, so I can't.
- Buffy: [angered] So you're saying this is all a game?
- Xander: A game? I... No!
- Buffy: You make me feel this way, and then you reject me? What am I, a toy?
- Xander: Buffy, please calm down.
- Buffy: I'll calm down when you explain yourself!
- Amy: Get away from him. He's mine.
- Buffy: Oh, I don't think so. Xander, tell her.
- Xander: What? I, uh...
- Amy: He doesn't have to say. I know what his heart wants.
- Buffy: Funny, I know what your face wants. [Buffy punches Amy hard in the face] What is this, you're two-timing me?
- Amy: Goddess Hecate, work thy will...
- Xander: Uh-oh.
- Amy: ... Before thee let the unclean thing crawl!
- Cordelia: Harmony, shut up. [Xander looks back] Do you know what you are, Harmony? You're a sheep.
- Harmony: I'm not a sheep.
- Cordelia: You're a sheep. All you ever do is what everyone else does just so you can say you did it first. And here I am, scrambling for your approval, when I'm way cooler than you are 'cause I'm not a sheep. I do what I wanna do, and I wear what I wanna wear. And you know what? [Xander smiles] I'll date whoever the hell I wanna date. No matter how lame he is. [Xander stops smiling]
- Angelus: Passion. It lies in all of us. Sleeping...waiting...and though unwanted...unbidden...it will stir...open its jaws, and howl. It speaks to us...guides us. Passion rules us all. And we obey. What other choice do we have? Passion is the source of our finest moments. the joy of love...the clarity of hatred...and the ecstasy of grief. It hurts sometimes more than we can bear. If we could live without passion, maybe we'd know some kind of peace. But we would be hollow. Empty rooms, shuttered and dank. Without passion, we'd truly be dead.
- Cordelia: Oh, God! I invited him in my car once. That means he can come into my car whenever he wants!
- Xander: Yep, you're doomed to havin' to give him and his vamp pals a lift whenever they feel like it. And those guys never chip in for gas.
- Buffy: It's so weird. Every time something like this happens, my first instinct is still to run to Angel. I can't believe it's the same person. He's completely different from the guy that I knew.
- Willow: Well, sort of, except ...
- Buffy: Except what?
- Willow: You're still the only thing he thinks about.
- Xander: I'm sorry, but let's not forget that I hated Angel long before you guys jumped on the bandwagon. So I think I deserve a little something for not saying "I told you so" long before now. And if Giles wants to go after the ... fiend that murdered his girlfriend, I say, "Faster, Pussycat! Kill! Kill!"
- Buffy: Yeah. There's just one problem with Giles in a revenge scenario. It'll get him killed.
- Spike: Are you insane? We're supposed to kill the bitch, not leave gag gifts in her friends' beds.
- Drusilla: But, Spike, the bad teacher was going to restore Angel's soul.
- Spike: What if she did? If you ask me, I find myself preferring the old Buffy-whipped Angelus. This new, improved one is not playing with a full sack. I love a good slaughter as much as the next bloke, but his little pranks will only leave us with one incredibly brassed-off Slayer!
- Angelus: Don't worry, Roller Boy. I've got everything under control. [ Molotov Cocktail lights the room on fire]
Killed by Death [2.18]
[edit]- Buffy: Hey. Here we are. It's all of we. Are we taking me home?
- Dr. Wilkinson: No. Buffy, you need to lie down, honey.
- Buffy: Yeah? Lie at home. My bed is better than any bed that's... not my bed.
- Dr. Wilkinson: She's still a little out of it.
- Buffy: Shhh! Hospital zone. No singing.
- [Willow brings Buffy, who is in hospital, her homework]
- Buffy: Homework.
- Willow: It's my way of saying get well soon.
- Buffy: You know, chocolate says that even better.
- Willow: I did all your assignments. All you have to do is sign your name.
- Buffy: Chocolate means nothing to me.
- Giles: Cordelia, have you actually ever heard of tact?
- Cordelia: Tact is just not saying true stuff. I'll pass.
- Willow: I'm good at medical stuff, since Xander and I used to play doctor all the time.
- Xander: No, she's being literal. She used to have all these medical volumes, and diagnosed me with stuff. I didn't have the heart to tell her she was playing it wrong.
- Willow: Wrong? Why? How did you play doctor?
- Buffy: I... never have.
- Xander: You don't know how to kill this thing.
- Buffy: I thought I might try violence.
- Xander: Solid call.
I Only Have Eyes for You [2.19]
[edit]- Buffy: Impulsive? Do you remember my ex-boyfriend, the vampire? I slept with him, he lost his soul, now my boyfriend's gone forever, and the demon that wears his face is killing my friends. The next impulsive decision I make will involve my choice of dentures.
- Willow: Okay, the Angel thing went badly, I'm on board with that, but that's not your fault. And anyways, love isn't always like that. Love can be... nice!
- Willow: A ghost? Cool!
- Xander: Oh, no, no. No. Not cool. This was no wimpy chain-rattler. This was "I'm dead as hell, and I'm not gonna take it anymore."
- Giles: Well, despite the Xander-speak, that's a fairly accurate definition of a poltergeist.
- Xander: I defined something? Accurately? Guess I'm done with the book learning.
- Giles: I appreciate your thoughts on the matter, in fact I encourage you to always challenge me when you feel it's appropriate; you should never be cowed by authority. Except, of course, in this instance, when I am clearly right and you are clearly wrong.
- Giles: [about the ghost of James] He's-he's trying to... resolve whatever issues are keeping him in limbo. What exactly those are, I'm not...
- Buffy: He wants forgiveness.
- Giles: Yes. I imagine he does. But when James possesses people, they act out exactly what happened that night. So he's experiencing a form of purgatory instead. I mean, he's doomed to kill his Ms. Newman over and over and over again, and... Forgiveness is impossible.
- Buffy: Good. He doesn't deserve it.
- Giles: To forgive is an act of compassion, Buffy. It's not done because people deserve it, it's done because they need it.
- Buffy: No. James destroyed the one person he loved the most in a moment of blind passion. And that's not something you forgive. No matter why he did what he did. And no matter if he knows now that it was wrong and selfish and stupid, it is just something he's gonna have to live with.
- Xander: He can't live with it, Buff. He's dead.
- Spike: [as Angel viciously scrubs his face] You might want to let up. They say when you've drawn blood, you've exfoliated.
- Angelus: What do you know about it? I'm the one who was friggin' violated. You didn't have this thing in you.
- Drusilla: What was it? A demon?
- Angelus: [still washing his face] Love!
- Drusilla: Poor Angel.
- Angelus: [grabbing Drusilla] Let's get out of here. I need a really vile kill before sun-up to wipe this crap out of my system.
- Drusilla: Of course. We'll find you a nice toddler. [to Spike] Want to come, pet?
- Angelus: No can do, Dru. I'm sure he'd be hell on wheels, but we don't have much time. Gotta travel light. [grabs Spike and gets in his face] Sorry. Try to have fun without me.
- [Angelus and Drusilla leave]
- Spike: Oh, I will. [stands and kicks away the wheelchair] Sooner than you think.
- Xander: Last month he's the freak with jicama breath who waxes his back. He wins a few meets and suddenly inherits the cool gene?
- Cordelia: Well, all I know is, my cheerleading squad wasted a lot of pep on losers. It's about time our school excelled at something.
- Willow: Hmm. You're forgetting our high mortality rate.
- Xander: We're number one!
- Xander: That is wrong. A big fat spanking wrong. It's a slap in the face to every one of us who studied hard and worked long hours to earn our Ds.
- Cordelia: Xander, I know you take pride in being the voice of the common wuss, but the truth is, certain people are entitled to special privileges. They're called winners. That's the way the world works.
- Xander: And what about that nutty "all men are created equal" thing?
- Cordelia: Propaganda spouted out by the ugly and less deserving.
- Xander: I think that was Lincoln.
- Cordelia: Disgusting mole and stupid hat.
- Willow: Actually, it was Jefferson.
- Cordelia: Kept slaves. Remember?
- Buffy: So, something ripped him open and ate out his insides?
- Willow: Like an Oreo cookie, well, except for, you know, without the... chocolatey cookie goodness.
- Giles: Yes, um, Principal Snyder has asked the faculty to keep the news quiet for now, um, so as not to unduly upset the students.
- Xander: For "students", read "swim team".
- Willow: So we're looking for a beastie.
- Giles: That, uh, eats humans whole, except for the skin.
- Buffy: This doesn't make any sense.
- Xander: Yeah, the skin's the best part.
- Buffy: Any demons with high cholesterol? [Giles looks at her] You're gonna think about that later, mister, and you're gonna laugh!
- Buffy: I wouldn't break out the tartar sauce just yet. It's not like you were exposed more than once. Twice?
- Xander: Three times a Fish Guy.
- Buffy, Willow: Oh.
- Cordelia: Whoa!
- Xander: What am I gonna do?
- Cordelia: You, you, you! What about me?! It's one thing to be dating the lame unpopular guy, but it's another to be dating the Creature from the Blue Lagoon.
- Xander: Black Lagoon! The Creature from the Blue Lagoon was Brooke Shields. And thank you so much for your support!
- Buffy: I think we'd better find the rest of the swim team and lock them up before they get in touch with their inner halibut.
- Xander: Let's see, I got to take a makeup chem test at 3:00. And then I'm meeting some of the guys for plasma transfusions at 5:00. It's turned into quite the busy afternoon.
- Buffy: The fun never stops with you, does it?
- Willow: Giles seems pretty confident that the treatments are gonna work.
- Xander: Well, turning into a creepy-crawly wasn't on my top ten list of thing to do before I turn 20.
- Cordelia: I want you to know that you've really proven yourself to me. And you don't have to join the new team next year if you don't want. I'd be just as happy if you played football.
- Giles: The-the people from animal control have just left. Our creatures have apperently made a-a dash for it. Um, so to speak.
- Willow: Does that mean we're gonna have to hunt them again?
- Buffy: No, I don't think so. I don't think we'll be seeing them anymore.
- Giles: Where do you think they'll go?
- Buffy: Home.
Becoming, Part One [2.21]
[edit]- Principal Snyder: Are we having a chair shortage?
- Willow: I didn't read anything about... oh, [slides off Oz's lap] I get it.
- Principal Snyder: These public displays of affection are not acceptable in my school. This isn't an orgy, people. It's a classroom.
- Buffy: Yeah, where they teach lunch.
- Principal Snyder: Just give me a reason to kick you out, Summers. Just give me a reason. [walks away]
- Cordelia: How about 'cause you're a tiny impotent Nazi with a bug up his butt the size of an emu?
- Buffy: Sums it up.
- Cordelia: Don't you think?
- [flashback]
- Drusilla: Me mum says I'm cursed. My seeing things is an affront to the Lord. That only He's supposed to see anything before it happens. But I don't mean to, Father, I swear. I swear. I try to be pure in His sight. I don't want to be an evil thing.
- Angelus: Oh, hush, child. The Lord has a plan for all creatures. Even a devil child like you.
- Drusilla: [mortified] A devil...
- Angelus: Yes, you're a spawn of Satan, all the Hail Mary's in the world aren't going to help. The Lord will use you and smite you down. He's like that.
- Drusilla: What can I do?
- Angelus: Fulfill His plan, child. Be evil. Just give in.
- Drusilla: No! I want to be good. I want to be pure.
- Angelus: We all do, at first. World doesn't work that way.
- Drusilla: Father, I beg you. Please... please, help me.
- Angelus: Very well. Ten 'Our Fathers' and an act of contrition. Does that sound good?
- Drusilla: Yes. Yes, Father, thank you.
- Angelus: The pleasure was mine. Oh, and my child?
- Drusilla: Yes?
- Angelus: God is watching you.
- [Angelus, Drusilla and some vampires bring the sarcophagus back to show Spike]
- Spike: It's a big rock. Can't wait to tell my friends, they all don't have a rock this big.
- Angelus: Spike, boy you never did learn your history.
- Spike: Let's have a lesson then.
- Angelus: Acathla, the demon, came forth to swallow the world. He was killed by a virtuous knight who pierced the demon's heart before he could draw a breath to perform the act. Acathla turned to stone, as demons sometimes do, and was buried where neither man nor demon would want to look. Unless of course they're puttin' up low-rent housing. [to other vampires] Boys.
- [two vampires open the sarcophagus]
- Drusilla: He fills my head. I can't hear anything else.
- Spike: Let me guess, someone pulls out the sword...
- Angelus: Someone worthy.
- Spike: ...The demon wakes up and wackiness ensues.
- Drusilla: He will swallow the world.
- Angelus: And every creature living on this planet will go to hell. My friends, we're about to make history... end.
- Giles: I've been on the phone with the museum, the artifact in question is missing and the curator has been murdered by vampires.
- Buffy: And you're sure this is the tomb of alfalfa.
- Giles: Acathla, and yes the information provided by Kendra's Watcher seems conclusive.
- Willow: Okay somebody explain the whole he will suck the world into hell thing because that's the part I'm not loving.
- Giles: Well the demon universe exists in a dimension separate from our own, and one breath of Acathla will create a vortex–a kind of whirlpool–that will pull everything on earth into that dimension where any non-demon life will suffer horrible and eternal torment.
- Buffy: So that would be the literal kind of sucked into hell. Neat. Willow I think you should try the curse.
- Kendra: I tend to stand with your friend Xander on this one. Angel should be eliminated.
- Buffy: Oh I'll fight him. I'll kill him if I have to, but if I don't get there in time or I lose, then Willow might be our only hope.
- Willow: [nervously] But I don't want to be our only hope, I crumble under pressure, lets have another hope.
- Kendra: We have. [pulls out a sword] Blessed by the knight who first slew the demon if all else fails this might stop it. [hesitantly] I think.
- Giles: Oh ooh may I. [Kendra hands Giles the sword] Thank you. [examining sword] Well its only if all else fails. [to Willow] Uh uh-mm how close are you to figuring out the ritual to the curse.
- Willow: Oh I need about a day, and an Orb of Thessulah, whatever that is.
- Giles: Spirit vault for the undead, I've got one. I've been using it as a paperweight.
- Willow: This means I can't help you study for tomorrow's final.
- Buffy: Oh, I'll wing it. Of course, if we go to Hell by then, I won't have to take 'em... Or maybe I'll be taking them forever.
- Whistler: There's moments in your life that make you, that set the course of who you're gonna be. Sometimes they're little, subtle moments. Sometimes they're not. I'll show you what I mean.
- ...
- Bottom line is, even if you see them coming, you're not ready for the big moments. No one asks for their life to change, not really. But it does. So, what are we, helpless? Puppets? Nah. The big moments are gonna come, you can't help that. It's what you do afterwards that counts. That's when you find out who you are.
Becoming, Part Two [2.22]
[edit]- Spike: I want to save the world.
- Buffy: You do remember that you're a vampire, right?
- Spike: We like to talk big. Vampires do. "I'm going to destroy the world." That's just tough guy talk. Strutting around with your friends over a pint of blood. The truth is, I like this world. You've got... dog racing, Manchester United. And you've got people, billions of people walking around like Happy Meals with legs. It's all right here. But then someone comes along with a vision, with a real... passion for destruction. Angel could pull it off. Goodbye, Piccadilly. Farewell, Leicester bloody Square. You know what I'm saying?
- Buffy: Okay, fine, you're not down with Angel. Why would you ever come to me?
- Spike: I want Dru back, I want it like it was before he came back. The way she acts around him.....
- Buffy: You're pathetic, I lost a friend tonight!
- Spike: I wasn't in on that raiding party.
- Buffy: And I may lose more. The whole earth may be sucked into Hell and you want my help because your girlfriend's a big ho? Well, let me take this opportunity to not care!
- Spike: I can't fight them both alone and neither can you.
- Buffy: [seething] I hate you.
- Spike: And I'm all you've got.
- [Knocked out cop groans]
- Buffy: Alright, talk.
- Spike: [Casually] I just need to kill this guy.
- Buffy: Ahem, ahem.
- Spike: Oh. Right.
- Buffy: Open your eyes, Mom. What do you think has been going on for the past two years? The fights, the weird occurrences. How many times have you washed blood out of my clothing, and you still haven't figured it out?
- Joyce: Well, it stops now!
- Buffy: No, it doesn't stop. It never stops. Do-do you think I chose to be like this? Do you have any idea how lonely it is? How dangerous? I would love to be upstairs watching TV or gossiping about boys or, god, even studying! But I have to save the world. Again.
- Angelus: Just tell me what I need to know.
- Giles: In order t-to... to be worthy... you must perform the ritual.. in a tutu. Pillock!
- Angelus: Alright. Someone get the chain saw.
- Angelus: No weapons, no friends, no hope. Take all that away, and what's left?
- Buffy: Me.
Season 3
[edit]
- [A vampire breaks out of a grave and someone is seen standing over it]
- Willow: That's right, big boy. Come and get it.
- ...
- [after the vampire has escaped]
- Xander: First of all, what was with the acrobatics? How did that happen?
- Oz: Wasn't Andy Hoelich on the gymnastics team?
- Xander: That's right, he was! [yells at Andy] Cheater! [turns back] Okay, and the, uh, second problem I'm having -- "Come and get it, Big Boy"?
- Willow: Well, w-w-well, the Slayer always says a pun, or-or a witty play on words, and, I think it throws the vampires off! And, and it makes them frightened, because I'm wisecracking. Okay, I didn't really have a chance to work on that one, but you try it every time!
- Oz: Uh, if I may suggest, "This time it's personal." I mean, there's a reason why it's a classic.
- [In Buffy's dream]
- Buffy: How did you find me here?
- Angel: If I was blind, I would see you.
- Buffy: Stay with me.
- Angel: Forever. That's the whole point. I'll never leave. Not even if you kill me.
- Giles: I mean, I appreciate your efforts to keep the vampire population down until Buffy returns, but if anything should happen to you, or you... should be killed, I should take it somewhat amiss.
- Willow: You'd be cranky?
- Giles: Entirely.
- Willow: Well, we try not to get killed. That's part of our whole mission statement: "Don't get killed."
- Buffy: You know, I just woke up and I looked in the mirror and thought, 'Hey, what's with all the sin.' I need to change. I'm dirty, I'm bad with the sex, and the envy and the loud music that us kids listen to nowadays... oh, I just suck at undercover. Where's Ken?
- Lily: I always knew I would come here... sooner or later. I knew I belonged here.
- Buffy: Where?
- Lily: Hell.
- Buffy: This isn't Hell.
- Ken: Isn't it? What is Hell, but the total absence of hope? The substance, the tactile proof of despair?
- Buffy: I'd like to find Willow and Xander.
- Joyce: Will you be slaying?
- Buffy: Only if they give me lip.
- Principal Snyder: I have not only the right, but also a nearly physical sensation of pleasure at the thought of keeping her out of school. I'd describe myself as tingly.
- Joyce: Buffy was cleared of all those charges.
- Principal Snyder: Yes, and while she may live up to the not-a-murderer requirement for enrollment, she is a troublemaker, destructive to school property and the occasional student. And her grade point average is enough to... I'm sorry. Another tingle moment.
- [Giles brings a zombie cat to the library.]
- Cordelia: Nice pet, Giles. Don't you like anything regular? Golf, USA Today, or anything?
- Giles: We're trying to find out how and why it rose from the grave. It's not as if I want to take it home and offer it a saucer of warm milk.
- Oz: Well, I like it. I think you should call it Patches.
- Oz: We should figure out what kinda deal this is. I mean, is it a-a gathering, a shindig or a hootenanny?
- Cordelia: What's the difference?
- Oz: Well, a gathering is brie, mellow song stylings; shindig, dip, less mellow song stylings, perhaps a large amount of malt beverage; and hootenanny, well, it's chock full of hoot, just a little bit of nanny.
- Xander: Well, I hate brie.
- Cordelia: I know. It smells like Giles' cat.
- Willow: I mean, I'm not a full-fledged witch. That takes years. I just did a couple of Pagan blessings and, uh, teeny glamour to hide a zit.
- Buffy: It doesn't scare you?
- Willow: It has. I tried to communicate with the spirit world, and I so wasn't ready for that. It's like being pulled apart inside. Plus I blew the power for our whole block. Big scare.
- Buffy: I wish I could've been there with you.
- Willow: Me, too. I really freaked out.
- Buffy: I am sorry.
- Willow: It's okay. I understand you having to bail, and I can forgive that. I have to make allowances for what you're going through and be a grown-up about it.
- Buffy: You're really enjoying this whole moral superiority thing, aren't you?
- Willow: It's like a drug.
- Buffy: Fine. Okay. I'm the bad. I can take my lumps... For a while.
- Willow: All right, I'll stop giving you a hard time... Runaway.
- Buffy: Will!
- Willow: I'm sorry... quitter.
- Buffy: Whiner.
- Willow: Bailer.
- Buffy: Harpy.
- Willow: Delinquent.
- Buffy: Tramp.
- Willow: Bad seed.
- Buffy: Witch.
- Willow: Freak.
- Willow: I think you're ready now, or at least in the state of pre-readiness to make conversation, or-or to do that thing with your mouth that boys like. [Buffy glares at her] Oh, I didn't mean that bad thing with your mouth, I meant that little half-smile thing that you... [looks at Oz] you're supposed to stop me when I do that.
- Oz: I like when you do that.
- Buffy: I just wanna get my life back, you know, do normal stuff.
- Willow: Like date?
- Buffy: Well...
- Xander: Oh, you wanna date. I saw that half-smile, you little slut.
- [Xander starts chuckling and Buffy punches him on the arm]
- Xander: [still kind of chuckling] Ow.
- Buffy: All right, yes, date and shop and hang out and go to school and save the world from unspeakable demons. You know, I wanna do girlie stuff.
- Faith: The whole summer it was, like, the worst heatwave. So it's about 118 degrees and I'm sleeping without a stitch on, and all of a sudden, I hear this screaming from outside. So I go tearing out, stark nude, and this church bus has broke down and there's these three vamps feasting on half the Baptists in South Boston. So I waste the vamps, and the preacher comes up and he's hugging me like there's no tomorrow, when all of a sudden, the cops pull up and they arrested us both.
- Xander: Wow. They should film that story and show it every Christmas.
- Faith: God, I could eat a horse. Isn't it crazy how slaying just always makes you hungry and horny?
- [Xander, Cordy, Willow & Oz all look at Buffy for confirmation]
- Buffy: Well... sometimes I-I crave a non-fat yogurt afterwards.
- Buffy: [about Kakistos] Now, this guy shows up two days ago, right? Right around the same time my bestest new little sister makes her scene.
- Giles: You think he and Faith are connected?
- Buffy: Giles, there are two things that I don't believe in: coincidence and leprechauns.
- Giles: Well, Buffy, it's entirely possible that they both arrived here by chance simultaneously.
- Buffy: Okay, but I was right about the leprechauns, right?
- Giles: As far as I know, yes.
- Giles: The Council has approved our request. Faith is to stay here indefinitely, and I'm to look after you both until a new Watcher is assigned.
- Buffy: Good. She really came through in the end. She had a lot to deal with, but she did it. She got it behind her.
- Giles: I'm glad to hear it.
- Buffy: Angel was cured.
- Giles: I'm sorry?
- Buffy: When I killed him, Angel was cured. [to Willow] Your spell worked at the last minute, Will. I was about to take him out, and, um, something went through him, and he was Angel again. He-he didn't remember anything that he'd done. He just held me. Um, but i-it was, it was too late, and I-I had to. So I-I told him that I loved him, and I kissed him, and I killed him. I don't know if that helps with your spell or not, Giles.
- Giles: Uh, yes, I-I believe it will.
- Willow: [to Buffy] I'm sorry.
- Buffy: It's okay. I've been holding on to that for so long. Felt good to get it out. I'll see you guys later.
- Willow: Giles, I know you don't like me playing with mystical forces, but I can really help with this binding spell.
- Giles: There is no spell.
- Faith: Nice place. Do you ever catch kids doing the diddy out here?
- Buffy: No, there's a smooch spot up by the words. That's usually where kids go.
- Faith: Yeah? Bet you and Scott have been up there kicking the gearshift.
- Buffy: Hardly. Only been on a few dates.
- Faith: [about Scott] But you like him, and when you think about him you get that good, down-low tickle, right?
- Buffy: Yeah, I guess, but... how low?
- Faith: You tell me.
- Buffy: How about not? But he is... nice, and he's funny.
- Faith: And quite a muffin.
- Buffy: Blueberry. That crunchy, munchy staff on top. But my most favorite thing so far is that he doesn't seem to be any kind of hell beast.
- Faith: All men are beasts, Buffy.
- Buffy: Okay, I was hoping to not get that cynical 'til I was at least 40.
- Faith: It's not cynical. I mean, it's realistic. Every guy from Manimal down to Mr. "I-Love-The-English-Patient" has beast in him. And I don't care how sensitive they act. They're all still just in it for the chase.
- Willow: I thought Faith was on duty.
- Buffy: Oh, hey. Change of plans.
- Willow: Glazed or cake? It's fun to watch them make them. They use this spritzy thing, and they drop the batter into this--
- Buffy: Couldn't sleep, huh?
- Willow: I've been at Mister Donut since the TV did that snowy thing. How come you're the wakey girl? I mean, this time, it's not your boyfriend who's the cold-blooded-- [sees Oz] Jelly doughnut?
- Oz:: Everything all right?
- Buffy: Yeah, uh, what happened with the inspection of the body?
- Willow: Anyone? They're yummy, delicious.
- Buffy: Will, come on. Was it werewolf? Was it a vampire?
- Willow: It-it wasn't conclusive.
- Buffy: How could it not be conclusive? What did it look like? Was he bit?
- Giles: Let her finish, Buffy.
- Buffy: No, it's just-- I'm sorry.
- Giles: Our task now is to determine what sort of killer we are dealing with. Clearly, we're looking for a depraved, sadistic animal.
- [Oz comes in.]
- Oz: Present. Hey, I may be a cold-blooded jelly doughnut, but my timing is impeccable.
- Willow: It's all over school. What happened with Debbie and Pete. Except for the "Pete was a monster" part.
- Oz: Yeah, a freshman told me that Pete had eight iced cafe mochas and just lost it.
- Buffy: That's better than the estrogen theory. I heard he took all of his mother's birth-control pills.
- Cordelia: He didn't? Pete was a monster? Where have I been?
- Xander: In your special place, Cor, which is why I adore you.
- Cordelia: So what's the true story? What happened?
- Willow: Well, we got a hold of Pete's lab books and stuff, and Mr. Science was doing a Jekyll/Hyde deal. He was afraid Debbie was gonna leave him, so he mixed this potion to become super mas macho.
- Buffy: The only thing was, after a while, he didn't need the potion to turn into a bad guy. He did it just fine on his own.
- Cordelia: So it was like a real killing. He wasn't under the influence of anything?
- Buffy: Just himself. Uh... I'll see you guys later.
- Cordelia: Great, now I'm gonna be stuck with serious thoughts all day.
- Buffy: [voice over, from The Call of the Wild.] "Night came on, and a full moon rose high over the trees, lighting the land till it lay bathed in ghostly day. And the strain of the primitive remained alive and active. Faithfulness and devotion, things born of fire and roof were his, yet he retained his wireness and wiliness. And from the depths of the forest, a call still sounded."
- Xander: Buffy and Faith are in the library getting all sweaty.
- Cordelia: They're training.
- Xander: I stand by my phrase.
- Mr. Trick: Competition. Competition is a beautiful thing. It makes us strive. It makes us accomplish. Occasionally, it makes us kill. We all have the desire to win. Whether we're human, vampire or ... whatever the hell you are, my brother. You got them spiny-looking head things. I ain't never seen that before.
- Kulak: I am Kulak, of the Miquot Clan.
- Mr. Trick: Isn't that nice.
- Buffy: Hey.
- Willow: Hi! How are you? You good? You look good. Anything new? Hey, did I mention you look good?
- Buffy: Willow, it's okay that you're helping Cordelia. We're best friends. I'm not gonna hold it against you.
- Willow: No, I'm not a friend, I'm a rabid dog who should be shot! But there're forces at work here! Dark, incomprehensible forces.
- Buffy: And I'm sure they're more important than all we've been through together, or... the number of times that I've saved your life.
- Willow: What do you want?
- Buffy: Fifteen minutes alone on your computer with Cordelia's database.
- Willow: 'kay.
- Xander: Okay, let's not say something we'll all regret later, okay?
- Cordelia: Crazy freak!
- Buffy: Vapid whore!
- Xander: Like that.
- Cordelia: I don't even get why you care about Homecoming when you're doing stuff like this.
- Buffy: Because this is all I do. This is what my life is. You couldn't understand. I just thought ... Homecoming Queen. I could pick up a yearbook someday and say, I was there. I went to high school, I had friends, and, for one moment, I got to live in the world. And there'd be proof, proof that I was chosen for something other than this. Besides, [pumps the rifle] I look cute in a tiara.
- Angel: It's late. How'd you get away?
- Buffy: Aw, it was easy. Started a fire in the prison laundry room. Rode out in the garbage truck.
- Angel: Oh.
- Buffy: I'm joking. No garbage. Smell me.
- Buffy: Something's definitely changing them.
- Willow: A spell?
- Oz: They're teenagers. It's a sobering mirror to look into, huh?
- Principal Snyder: [to Oz] You've got great hair.
- Xander: I don't get this. The candy's supposed to make you feel all immature and stuff, but I've had a ton and I don't feel any diff- never mind.
- Buffy: Yeah, we can go home. I've got the SAT's tomorrow.
- Joyce: Oh, blow them off. I'll write you a note.
- Buffy: It was just too much to deal with. It was like nothing made sense anymore. The things that I thought I understood were gone. I just felt... so alone.
- Giles: Was that the math or the verbal?
- Buffy: Mostly the math.
- Giles: Well, if you scored low, then you can always take them again.
- Buffy: More SATs? Ugh. Was there really a point? I could die before I even apply to college.
- Giles: Then it very possibly might not.
- Buffy: Well, let's just keep hope alive.
- Giles: Hello.
- Joyce: Hi.
- Giles: I say, your car seems to have had an adventure, doesn't it?
- Joyce: Uh, Buffy assures me that it happened battling evil, so I'm letting her pay for it on the installment plan.
- Buffy: Uh, hey, the way things were going, be glad that's the worst that happened. At least I got to the two of you before you actually did something.
- Joyce: Right.
- Giles: Indeed.
- Joyce: Yes.
- Cordelia: Why are you guys so hyper?
- Willow: Hey, speaking of people and things they do that aren't like usual, anyone notice Buffy acting sort of different?
- Xander: Let's see. Killing zombies, torching sewer monsters, and, no, that's pretty much the same old Buffster.
- Buffy: Lagos is out of luck. I got the magic mitten thingy. What's with all the tragedy masks?
- Giles: Better take a seat, Buffy.
- Buffy: What's going on?
- Giles: We know Angel is alive. Xander saw you with him. It would appear that you've been hiding him and that you lied to us.
- Willow: Nobody's here to blame you, Buffy. But this is serious. You need help.
- Buffy: It's not what you think.
- Xander: Hope not, because I think you're harboring a vicious killer.
- Willow: This isn't about attacking Buffy. Remember, "I" statements only. "I feel angry." "I feel worried."
- Cordelia: Fine. Here's one. I feel worried. About me! Last time around, Angel barely laid a hand on Buffy. He was way more interested in killing her friends.
- Buffy: But he's better now.
- Xander: Better for how long, Buffy? I mean, did you even think about that?
- Buffy: What is this, demons anonymous? I don't need an intervention here.
- Giles: Oh, don't you? You must've known it was wrong seeing Angel, or you wouldn't have hidden it from all of us.
- Buffy: I was going to tell you, I was. It was just that I... I didn't know why he came back. I-I just wanted to wait.
- Xander: For what? For Angel to go psycho again the next time you give him a happy?
- Buffy: I'm not going to... we're not together like that.
- Oz: But you were kissing him.
- Buffy: You were spying on me? What gives you the right?
- Cordelia: What gives you the right to suck face with your demon lover again?
- Buffy: It was an accident.
- Xander: What, you just tripped and fell on his lips?
- Buffy: It was wrong, okay? I know that, and I know that it can't happen again. But you guys have to believe me. I would never put you in any danger. If I thought for second that Angel was gonna hurt anyone...
- Xander: You would stop him. Like you did last time with Ms. Calendar.
- Willow: Buffy, I feel that when it comes to Angel, you can't see straight. And that's why we're-we're all going to help you face this.
- Buffy: But he's better now, I swear. Look, you guys, he's the one that found the Glove of Myhnegon. He's keeping it safe for us in the mansion.
- Xander: [about Angel] Right! Great plan. Leave tons of firepower with the scary guy, and leave us to clean up the mess.
- Buffy: [stops Xander from leaving] You would just love an excuse to hurt him, wouldn't you?
- Xander: I don't need an excuse. I think lots of dead people actually constitutes a reason.
- Buffy: Right. This is all nobility. This has nothing to do with jealousy.
- Cordelia: Hello? Miss Not-Over-Yourself-Yet?
- Buffy: Don't you start with me.
- Willow: Giles, no one's doing the "I" statements.
- Giles: That's enough! Everybody. Now Buffy knows our concerns, and her actions, however ill-advised, can be understood. Our... priority right now is to retrieve the Glove of Myhnegon and try to destroy it. Now, all of you, back to your classes.
- [they leave]
- Buffy: Thanks for the bail in there. I know this is a lot to absorb, but Angel did find the glove, and that was a good--
- Giles: Be quiet. I won't remind you that the fate of the world often lies with the Slayer. What would be the point? Nor shall I remind you that you've jeopardized the lives of all that you hold dear by harboring a known murderer. But sadly, I must remind you that Angel tortured me... for hours... for pleasure. You should have told me he was alive. You didn't. You have no respect for me, or the job I perform.
- Faith: You look pissed.
- Xander: Rough day.
- Faith: Tell me about it.
- Xander: Rather just shoot.
- Faith: Don't think I don't know what you and your pals were talking about behind my back today.
- Xander: Yeah, what was that?
- Faith: More about this glove deal than you're saying.
- Xander: The Glove of Myhnegon? Right. How'd you like a hit of some real news? Angel's still alive.
- Faith: The vampire.
- Xander: Back in town. Saw him myself. Toting the popular and famous glove.
- Faith: Angel. Guy like that, with that kind of glove, could kill a whole mess of people.
- Xander: Said the same thing to Buffy myself. Weird how she didn't seem to care. [aims to take his next shot]
- Faith: Buffy knew he was alive. [Xander shoots; Faith glares] I can't believe her.
- Xander: She says he's clean.
- Faith: Yeah, well, I say we can't afford to find out. [Xander looks at her] I say I deal with this problem right now. I say I slay.
- Xander: [beat] Can I come?
- Cordelia: So there's no more glove thing-y?
- Xander: No. Little living flame, little mesquite, gone for good.
- Oz: Sounds like we missed a lot of fun.
- Xander: Then we're telling it wrong.
- Willow: What do you think Buffy and Angel are gonna do?
- Xander: Boy, do I don't know.
- Willow: Well, he saved me from a horrible flamey death. That sort of makes me like him again.
- Xander: Well, as long as she and Angel don't get pelvic, we'll be okay, I guess.
- Buffy: What are you guys talking about?
- Oz: Oddly enough, your boyfriend. Again.
- Buffy: He's not my boyfriend. Really, truly, he's... I don't know. Are we cool?
- Xander: Yeah. Just seeing the two of you kissing after everything that happened, I leaned toward the postal. But I trust you.
- Cordelia: I don't, just for the record.
- Giles: [clears throat]
- Buffy: Let me guess. Gwendolyn Post, not a Watcher?
- Giles: Yes, she was. She was, uh, kicked out by the Council a couple of years ago for misuses of Dark Power. They swear there was a memo.
- Buffy: Well, I better go. Little more damage control.
- Willow: [sighs] The whole Angel thing is so weird.
- Giles: Yes, well, we'll have to see how that unfolds, won't we?
- Faith: Come in.
- Buffy: Hey. The place looks nice.
- Faith: Yeah, it's real Spartan.
- Buffy: How are you?
- Faith: Five by five.
- Buffy: I'll interpret that as good. Look, Gwendolyn Post, or whoever she may be, had us all fooled, even Giles.
- Faith: Yeah, well, you can trust people. I should've learned that by now.
- Buffy: I realize this is gonna sound funny coming from someone that just spent a lot of time kicking your face... but you can trust me.
- Faith: Is that right?
- Buffy: I know I kept secrets, but I didn't have a choice. I'm on your side.
- Faith: I'm on my side, and that's enough.
- Buffy: Not always.
- Faith: Is that it?
- Buffy: Yeah, I guess.
- Faith: All right. Well, then, I'll see you. Uh, Buffy?
- Buffy: Yeah?
- Faith: Nothing.
- Willow: This is a nightmare. This is... my world is spinning.
- Xander: It's not that bad, Willow, really.
- Willow: 740? Verbal? I'm-I'm pathetic! Illiterate! I'm Cletus the Slack-Jawed Yokel.
- Xander: That's right. And the fact that your 740 verbal closely resembles my combined scores in no way compromises your position as the village idiot.
- Willow: I just... where did I go wrong?
- Xander: You did amazing, Willow. As usual.
- Cordelia: You guys get you scores?
- Xander: Cordelia! Willow is very sad about her academic failure. How did you do? This is not good.
- Cordelia: What's not good?
- Xander: Well, I'm just worried it may hurt my standing as campus stud when people find out I'm dating a brain.
- Cordelia: Please. I have some experience in covering these things up.
- Oz: Well, I can see why you'd be upset. That was my sarcastic voice.
- Xander: You know, it sounds a lot like your regular voice.
- Oz: I've been told that. But we should celebrate, do something.
- Cordelia: Like, the four of us?
- Xander: A double date! It could have potential.
- Willow: Buffy! Hey, did you get your S.A.T. Scores?
- Xander: By the look on your face, I'm guessing you and I are going to be manning the drive-through window side by side.
- Buffy: They're just test scores, right? What do they really mean, anyway?
- Willow: 1430! Buffy, you kicked ass! Okay, so academic achievement gets me a little excited.
- Xander: Buff, that's amazing.
- Cordelia: Let me see that.
- Oz: Yeah. With scores like that, you can apply pretty much anywhere you want.
- Willow: Buffy, this could, like, change your whole future.
- Buffy: The though had occurred to me.
- Xander: Then why the sour puss?
- Buffy: I don't know. I guess... my future. I never really thought about it. I wasn't even sure I was going to have one.
- Cordelia: Well, I think this is great. Now you can leave and never come back! Well, I mean that in a possible way. Get out of Sunnydale. That's a good thing. What kind of moron would ever want to come back here?
- Joyce: That's not it. It's just... You belong at-at a good old-fashioned college with keg parties and boys, not here with Hellmouths and vampires.
- Buffy: Not really seeing the distinction.
- Spike: She wouldn't even kill me. She just left. She didn't even care enough to cut off my head or set me on fire. I mean, is that too much to ask? You know? Some little sign that she cared? It was that truce with Buffy that did it. Dru said I'd gone soft. Wasn't demon enough for the likes of her. And I told her it didn't mean anything, I was thinking of her the whole time, but she didn't care. So, we got to Brazil, and she was... she was just different. I gave her everything: beautiful jewels, beautiful dresses with beautiful girls in them, but nothing made her happy. And she would fliiirt! I caught her on a park bench, making out with a Chaos demon! Have you ever seen a Chaos demon? They're all slime and antlers. They're disgusting... She only did it to hurt me. So I said, "I'm not putting up with this anymore." And she said, "Fine!" And I said, "Yeah, I've got an unlife, you know!" And then she said... she said we could still be friends. [leans over and sobs on Willow's shoulder.] God, I'm so unhappy!
- Willow: [tentatively pats his knee.] There, there.
- Spike: The last time I looked in on you two, you were fighting to the death. Now you're back to making googly-eyes at each other like nothing happened. Makes me want to heave.
- Buffy: I don't know what you're talking about.
- Spike: Oh, yeah, you're just friends.
- Angel: That's right.
- Spike: You're not friends. You'll never be friends. You'll be in love 'til it kills you both. You'll fight, and you'll shag, and you'll hate each other 'til it makes you quiver, but you'll never be friends. Love isn't brains, children, it's blood -- blood screaming inside you to work its will. I may be love's bitch, but at least I'm man enough to admit it.
- Spike: Oh, sod the spell. Your friends are at the factory. [Buffy looks at Angel, he shrugs] I'm really glad I came here, you know. I've been all wrong-headed about this: weeping, crawling, blaming everybody else. I want Dru back, I've just gotta be the man that I was - the man she loved. I'm gonna do what I shoulda done in the first place: I'll find her - wherever she is - tie her up, torture her, 'til she likes me again. [grins happily, makes to leave. Turns, whimsical.] Love's a funny thing.
- Buffy: [choking and grunting] Nnrrf! Nnrrf!
- Willow: Oh, God. Demon, demon. What kills a demon?!
- Buffy: [choking and grunting] Nnrrf! Nnrrf!
- Willow: Oh, nerf. Not nerf. Knife!
- Buffy: Okay. That was too close for comfort. Not that slaying's ever comfy, but, you know what I mean? [sighs] If you guys hadn't been here to help...
- Willow: But we were. And we did. And-and we're all fine. [sighs] Isn't he gonna go poof?
- Buffy: Um, I guess these guys don't. We'll have to bury him or something. [groans] Makes you appreciate vamps though. No fuss, no muss.
- Xander: So how come Faith was a no-show? I thought mucus-y demons were her favorites.
- Buffy: Couldn't reach her. Again. She hasn't been hanging out much.
- Xander: I detect worry.
- Buffy: A little bit. Slaying's a rough gig. Too much alone time isn't healthy. Stuff gets pent up.
- Willow: We should try to do more socializing with her.
- Xander: Well, burial detail aside, does this cap us off for the day?
- Buffy: You got plans?
- Xander: I cannot stress enough how much I don't have plans.
- Buffy: No luck reaching Cordelia?
- Xander: I've left a few messages. 60. 70. But you know what really bugs me? [to Willow] Okay, we kissed. It was a mistake. But I know that was positively the last time we were ever gonna kiss.
- Willow: Darn tootin'!
- Xander: And they burst in, rescuing us, without even knocking? I mean, this is really all their fault.
- Buffy: Your logic does not resemble our Earth logic.
- Xander: Mine is much more advanced.
- Willow: At least tomorrow's Monday, another school day.
- Buffy: Well. that's good. You know, focus on school. That's the strong Willow way to heal.
- Willow: Actually, I was more thinking Oz will be there, and I can beg for forgiveness.
- Buffy: That works, too.
- Willow: I-I wanna be strong Willow. But then I think I may never get to be close to Oz again, and it's like all the air just goes out of the room.
- Buffy: I know the feeling.
- Xander: Right. I mean, you went through it with Angel, and you're still standing. So tell us, wise one, how do you deal?
- Buffy: I have you guys.
- Cordelia: Buffy Summers. That's when all my trouble started. When she moved here.
- Anya: You okay?
- Cordelia: Oh, I just pulled some stitches last night. Know why? Surprise. It was Buffy's fault.
- Harmony: Oh, hey, it's Garbage Girl. Loved the look last night, Cor. Dumpster chic for the dumped.
- Girl: [chuckles] Yeah. [chuckling] Oh, God.
- Anya: Here. I think you need this more than I do right now.
- Cordelia: Yeah, I could use some luck. And a stick with pointy, sharp bits. If that Buffy wasn't, I swear.
- Anya: She's a pain. But Xander, he's an... utter loser. Don't you wish...
- Cordelia: I never would've looked twice at Xander if Buffy hadn't made him marginally cooler by hanging with him.
- Anya: Really?
- Cordelia: Yeah, I swear. I wish Buffy Summers had never come to Sunnydale. [gasps]
- Anyanka: Done.
- Giles: [reading] "In order to defeat Anyanka, one must destroy her power center. This should reverse all the wishes she's granted rendering her mortal and powerless again." You see? Without her power center, she-she'd j-just be a-a-an ordinary woman again. And all this would be, um... well, different... Well, I'd say that my... my Watcher muscles haven't completely atrophied after all.
- Buffy: [sarcastic] Great. What's her power center?
- Giles: [checks the book] Um, well, um, uh... It doesn't say.
- Buffy: Why don't I just put a stake through her heart?
- Giles: She's not a vampire.
- Buffy: Well, you'd be surprised how many things that'll kill.
- Giles: I don't want to kill her, Miss Summers. I want to reverse whatever effect she's had on this-this world.
- Buffy: [sighs] You're taking an awful lot on faith here, Jeeves.
- Giles: Giles.
- Buffy: Kill the bad fairy, destroy the bad fairy's power center, whatever... and all the troubles go away?
- Giles: Cordelia Chase. What did she wish for?
- Anyanka: I had no idea her wish would be so exciting! 'Brave new world.' I hope she likes it.
- Giles: You're gonna change it back. I'm not afraid of you. Your only power lies in the wishing.
- Anyanka: Wrong! This is the real world now. This is the world we made. Isn't it wonderful?
- [Giles snatches her glowing necklace and breaks free of her grasp, then grabbing a heavy object from his desk, raises his arm to smash the amulet.]
- Anyanka: You trusting fool. How do you know the other world is any better than this?
- Giles: Because it has to be.
- Cordelia: I wish Buffy Summers had never come to Sunnydale.
- Anya: [Anya has become human] Done. [nothing happens, Anya is confused]
- Cordelia: That would be cool. No, wait. I wish Buffy Summers had never been born.
- Anya: Done! [again nothing happens]
- Cordelia: And I wish that Xander Harris never again knows the touch of a woman. And that Willow wakes up tomorrow covered in monkey hair.
- Anya: Done!
- Cordelia: In fact, I wish all men except maybe the dumb and the really agreeable kind, disappear off the face of the earth. That would be so cool! Or maybe...
- Xander: So, you doing anything special?
- Buffy: Tree, nog, roast beast. Just me and Mom, and hopefully an excess of gifts. [to Willow] What are you doing for Christmas?
- Willow: Being Jewish. Remember, people? Not everyone worships Santa.
- [The First Evil torments Angel, taking on the forms of people he killed as Angelus]
- The First: [as Travis, a man that Angelus killed along with his sons] The thing I remember most was thinking how artful it was. In the dark, they looked just like they were sleeping. It wasn't until I bent down and kissed them good night that I felt how cold they were. You grabbed me, and I thought: who would go to so much trouble to arrange them like that? [turns into Margaret, a servant girl] But you see, that's what makes you different than other beasts. They kill to feed, but you took more kinds of pleasure in it than any creature that walks or crawls.
- Angel: Oh, God...!
- The First: [mimicking him when he killed Margaret] Yeah, cry out. Make a scene.
- [Angel tries to escape, but runs into the First in the form of Daniel, an Irish man he killed]
- The First: I was to be married that week. But then, as I recall, you knew that.
- Angel: It wasn't me!
- The First: [turns into Jenny Calendar] It wasn't you?
- Angel: A demon isn't a man. I was a man once--
- The First: Oh, yes. And what a man you were. [turns into Margaret] A drunken, whoring layabout, and a terrible disappointment to your parents.
- Angel: I was young. I never had a chance to--
- The First: To die of syphilis? You were a worthless being before you were ever a monster.
- Oz: You ever have that dream where you're in a play and it's the middle of the play and you really don't know your lines? And you kinda don't know the plot?
- Willow: Well, we're alone, and, we're together. I-I just wanted it to be special.
- Oz: How special we talkin'?
- Willow: Well, y'know, we're alone ... and ... we're both ... mature younger people, and-and so ... w-we could ... I-I'm ready to ... w-with you ... [whispers] we could do that thing.
- Oz: [stands up] Ahh ...
- Willow: Where are you going?
- Oz: No, not going, just uh ... dramatic gesture. That's-that's pretty special.
- Willow: [also stands up] Oz, I-I wanna be with you. First.
- Oz: I think we should sit down again.
- [They sit.]
- Willow: Oz? I-I'm ready.
- Oz: Okay, well, don't take this the wrong way, but ... I'm not.
- Willow: Are you scared? 'Cause I thought you had-
- Oz: No, I-I have. But, this is different. I mean, you look great, y'know, and you got the Barry workin' for ya, and-and it's all ... good. But when it happens I want it to be because we both need it to, for the same reason. You don't have to prove anything to me.
- Willow: I just wanted you to know.
- Oz: I know. I get the message.
- [They kiss]
- Buffy: All right, ten more minutes of chanting, and then you guys have to go to bed.
- [After Buffy defeats the First Evil's priests]
- The First: [as Jenny Calendar] Hmm, I'm impressed.
- Buffy: You won't get Angel.
- The First: [as Jenny Calendar] Hmm, you think you can fight me? I'm not a demon, little girl, I am something that you cannot even conceive. The First Evil. Beyond sin, beyond death. I am the thing the darkness fears. You’ll never see me, but I am everywhere. Every being, every thought, every drop of hate.
- Buffy: All right, I get it. You're evil. Do we have to chat about it all day?
- The First: [as Jenny Calendar] Angel will be dead by sunrise. Your Christmas will be his wake.
- Buffy: No.
- The First: [as Jenny Calendar] You have no idea what you're dealing with.
- Buffy: Let me guess. Is it... evil?
- The First: [transforms into a fearsome demonic form, then vanishes] Dead by sunrise!
- Buffy: Angel!
- Buffy: Angel?
- Angel: I bet half the kids down there are already awake. Lying in their beds. Sneaking downstairs. Waiting for day.
- Buffy: Angel, please. I need you to get inside. There's only a few minutes left.
- Angel: I know. I can smell the sunrise long before it comes.
- Buffy: I don't have time to explain this. You just have to trust me. That thing that was haunting you--
- Angel: It wasn't haunting me. It was showing me.
- Buffy: Showing you?
- Angel: What I am.
- Buffy: Were.
- Angel: And ever shall be. I wanted to know why I was back. Now I do.
- Buffy: You don't know. Some great evil takes credit for bringing you back and you buy it? You just give up?
- Angel: I can't do it again, Buffy. I can't become a killer.
- Buffy: Then fight it.
- Angel: It's too hard. Mm-mmm.
- Buffy: Angel, please, you have to get inside.
- Angel: It told me to kill you. You were in the dream, you know. It told me to lose my soul in you and become a monster again.
- Buffy: I know what it told you, what does it matter?
- Angel: [yelling] Because I wanted to! Because I want you so badly. I want to take comfort in you, and I know it'll cost me my soul, and a part of me doesn't care. Look, I'm weak. I've never been anything else. It's not the demon that needs killing, Buffy. It's the man.
- Buffy: You're weak. Everybody is. Everybody fails. Maybe this evil did bring you back, but if it did, it's because it needs you. And that means you can hurt it. Angel, you have the power to do real good, to make amends. But if you die now, then all that you ever were was a monster. [Angel does not respond] Angel, please, the sun is coming up.
- Angel: Just go.
- Buffy: I won't.
- Angel: Do you think this is simple? You think there's an easy answer? You can never understand what I've done. Now go.
- Buffy: You are not staying here. I won't let you!
- Angel: I said leave! Oh, my God.
- Buffy: No! No!
- Angel: [they struggle] Am I a thing worth saving, huh? Am I a righteous man? The world wants me gone.
- Buffy: What about me? I love you so much. And I tried to make you go away. I killed you and it didn't help. And I hate it! I hate that it's so hard. And that you can hurt me so much. I know everything that you did, because you did it to me. Oh, God. I wish that I wished you dead. I don't. [whispers] I can't.
- Angel: Buffy, please. Just this once. Let me be strong.
- Buffy: Strong is fighting. It's hard, and it's painful, and it's every day. It's what we have to do. And we can do it together. But if you're too much of a coward for that, then burn. If I can't convince you that you belong in this world, then I don't know what can. But do not expect me to watch. And don't expect me to mourn for you, because--
- [Snow falls, blocking the sunlight.]
- Buffy: Hey. Is Willow around?
- Xander: How can I convince you people that it's over? You assume because I am here, she is here. That I somehow mysteriously know where she is.
- Buffy: [points] Those her books?
- Xander: Yeah, she's in the bathroom. [Buffy nods] But the fact that I know that doesn't change that I have a genuine complaint here. Look, I'm getting sick of the judgement. The innuendos. Is a man not innocent until proven guilty?
- Buffy: You are guilty. You got illicit smoochies. Gonna have to pay the price.
- Xander: But I'm talking about the future guilt. Look, everyone expects me to mess up again. Like Oz. I see how he is around me. You know, that steely gaze, that pointed silence.
- Buffy: 'Cause he's usually such a chatterbox.
- Xander: No but it's different now. It's more a verbal non-verbal. He speaks volumes with his eyes.
- Mrs. Rosenberg: You're upset, I hear you ...
- Willow: No, Ma, hear this! I'm a rebel! I'm having a rebellion!
- Mrs. Rosenberg: Oh, Willow, honey, you don't need to act out like this to prove your specialness!
- Willow: Mom, I'm not acting out, I'm a witch! I can make pencils float! And I can summon the four elements! Okay, two, but four soon. And I'm dating a musician!
- Mrs. Rosenberg: Oh, Willow.
- Willow: I worship Beelzebub. I do his biddings! Do you see any goats around? No! 'Cause I sacrificed them!
- Mrs. Rosenberg: Willow, please...
- Willow: All bow before Satan!
- Mrs. Rosenberg: I'm not listening to this.
- Willow: Prince of Night, I summon you! Come fill me with your black, naughty evil!
- [Angel finds Buffy during patrol.]
- Buffy: Hey. How are you?
- Angel: I'm all right. I think I'm better than you right now. [indicates playground shrine] I heard about this. People are talking. People are even talking to me.
- Buffy: It's strange. People die in Sunnydale all the time. I've never seen anything like this.
- Angel: They were children. Innocent. It makes a difference.
- Buffy: And Mr. Sanderson from the bank had it coming? My mom said some things to me about being the Slayer. That it's fruitless. No fruit for Buffy.
- Angel: She's wrong.
- Buffy: Is she? Is Sunnydale any better than when I first came here? Okay, so I battle evil. But I don't really win. The bad just keeps coming back... and getting stronger. Like the kid in the story, the boy that stuck his finger in the duck.
- Angel: Dike. [Buffy looks at him.] It's another word for dam.
- Buffy: Oh. Okay, that story makes a lot more sense now.
- Angel: Buffy, you know there's still things I'm trying to figure out. There's a lot I don't understand. But I do know it's important to keep fighting. I learned that from you.
- Buffy: But we never...
- Angel: We never win.
- Buffy: Not completely.
- Angel: Never will. That's not why we fight. We do it because there's things worth fighting for.
- Giles: Uh, wait, wait a minute. Uh... Uh, there is a fringe theory held by a few folklorists that some regional stories have actual, um, very literal antecedents.
- Buffy: And in some language that's English?
- Oz: Fairy tales are real?
- Buffy: Hans and Gre... Hansel and Gretel?
- Xander: Wait. Hansel and Gretel? Breadcrumbs, ovens, gingerbread house?
- Giles: Of course! Well, it makes sense now.
- Buffy: Yeah, it's all falling into place. Of course that place is nowhere near this place.
- Giles: Some demons thrive by fostering hatred and, and, uh, persecution amongst the mortal animals. Not by, not by destroying men, but by watching men destroy each other. Now, they feed us our darkest fear and turn peaceful communities into vigilantes.
- Buffy: Hansel and Gretel run home to tell everyone about the mean old witch.
- Giles: And then she and probably dozens of others are persecuted by a righteous mob. It's happened all throughout history. It happened in Salem, not surprisingly.
- Xander: Whoa, whoa, whoa. I'm still spinning on this whole fairy tales are real thing.
- Oz: So what do we do?
- Xander: I don't know about you, but I'm gonna go trade my cow in for some beans ... [silence] No one else is seeing the funny here.
- Buffy: Your mom doesn't mind us doing this in the house?
- Willow: She doesn't know.
- Buffy: Business as usual?
- Willow: Yeah, sort of. She's doing that selective memory thing your mom used to be so good at.
- Buffy: She forgot everything?
- Willow: No. She remembered the part where I said I was dating a musician. Oz has to come for dinner next week. So, that's sort of like taking an interest.
- Buffy: Okay, should we try this again?
- Willow: Let's do it. I think we got the mix of herbs right this time.
- Buffy: Okay. Ready?
- Willow: Diana, Hecate, I hereby license thee to depart. Goddess of creatures great and small, I conjure thee to withdraw.
- [Silence.]
- Buffy: Maybe we should get her one of those wheel thingies.
- [After a vampire rolls down a slide in a playground...]
- Buffy: Wow! That was really funny looking! Could you do it again?
- Vampire: I'll kill you for that.
- Buffy: For that? What were you going to kill me for before?
- Xander: You know, maybe we're on the wrong track with the whole spell, curse and whammy thing. Maybe what we should be looking for is something like... Slayer kryptonite.
- Oz: Faulty metaphor. Kryptonite kills.
- Xander: You're assuming I was talking about the green kryptonite. I was referring, of course, to the red kryptonite, which drains Superman of all his powers.
- Oz: Wrong. The gold kryptonite's the power-sucker. The red kryptonite mutates Superman into some sort of weird --
- Buffy: Guys, reality!
- Buffy: Before I was the Slayer I was ... Well, I- I don't wanna say shallow, but let's say a certain person, who will remain nameless, we'll just call her "Spordelia," looked like a classical philosopher next to me. Angel, if I'm not the slayer, what do I do? What do I have to offer? Why would you like me?
- Angel: I saw you before you became the slayer.
- Buffy: What?
- Angel: I watched you, I saw you called, it was a bright afternoon out in front of your school. You walked down the steps and ... I loved you.
- Buffy: Why?
- Angel: Because I could see your heart. You held it before you for everyone to see, and I was worried that it would get bruised or torn. And more than anything in my life, I wanted to keep it safe. To warm it with my own.
- Buffy: That's beautiful ... Or, taken literally, incredibly gross.
- Angel: I was just thinking that too.
- Kralik: [to Buffy's mother] Mother. May I call you "mother"? My own mother was a person with no self-respect of her own, so she tried to take mine. Ten years old, she had the scissors. You wouldn't believe what she took with those. But she's dead to me now. Mostly because I killed and ate her, but also because I know I won't be alone much longer. I'll have your daughter. I won't kill her -- I'll just make her like me. Different. She'll go to sleep, and when she wakes up, your face will be the first thing she eats. [considers] I have a problem with mothers. I'm aware of that.
- Travers: Congratulations, you passed. You exhibited extraordinary courage and clearheadedness in battle. The Council is very pleased.
- Buffy: Do I get a gold star?
- Travers: I understand that you're upset...
- Buffy: You understand nothing. You set that monster loose and he came after my mother.
- Travers: You think the test was unfair?
- Buffy: I think you better leave town before I get my strength back.
- Travers: We're not in the business of fair, Miss Summers. We're fighting a war.
- Giles: You're waging a war. She's fighting it. There is a difference.
- Travers: Mr. Giles, if you don't mind...
- Giles: The test is done. We're finished.
- Travers: Not quite. She passed. You didn't. The Slayer is not the only one who must perform in this situation. I've recommended to the Council, and they've agreed, that you be relieved of your duties as Watcher immediately. You're fired.
- Giles: On what grounds?
- Travers: Your affection for your charge has rendered you incapable of clear and impartial judgment. You have a father's love for the child, and that is useless to the cause. It would be best if you had no further contact with the Slayer.
- Giles: I'm not going anywhere.
- Travers: No, well, I didn't expect you would adhere to that. However, if you interfere with the new Watcher or countermand his authority in anyway, you will be dealt with. Are we clear?
- Giles: Oh, we're very clear.
- Travers: Congratulations again.
- Buffy: Bite me.
- Travers: Yes. Well, colorful girl.
- Buffy: Xander, one of these days, you're gonna get yourself hurt.
- Faith: Or killed.
- Buffy: Or both. And you know, with the pain and then the death, maybe you shouldn't be leaping into the fray like that. Maybe you should be fray-adjacent.
- Xander: Excuse me? Who, at a crucial moment, distracted the lead demon by allowing her to pummel him about the head?
- Faith: Yeah. That was real manly, how you shrieked and all.
- Xander: I think you'll find that was more of a bellow.
- Cordelia: It must be really hard when all your friends have, like, superpowers. Slayer, werewolf, witches, vampires, and you're, like, this little nothing. You must feel like Jimmy Olsen.
- Xander: I happen to be an integral part of that group. I happen to have a lot to offer.
- Cordelia: Oh, please.
- Xander: I do!
- Cordelia: Integral part of the group? Xander, you're the-the useless part of the group. You're the Zeppo. "Cool." Look it up. It's something that a sub-literate that's repeated twelfth grade three times has, and you don't.
- [Cordelia turns and walks away.]
- Cordelia: [to herself] There was no part of that that wasn't fun.
- Xander: But ... it's just that it's bugging me ... this cool thing. I mean, what is it? How do you get it? Who doesn't have it? And who decides who doesn't have it? What is the essence of "cool"?
- Oz: Not sure.
- Xander: I mean you, yourself, Oz, are considered more or less cool. Why is that?
- Oz: Am I?
- Xander: Is it about the talking? You know, the way you tend to express yourself in short, non-committal phrases?
- Oz: Could be.
- Xander: No, you're in a band! That's like a business class ticket to cool with complementary mojo after takeoff. I gotta learn an instrument. Is it hard to play guitar?
- Oz: Not the way I play it.
- Xander: Okay, but on the other hand, eighth grade: I'm takin' the flugelhorn and gettin' zero trim. So the whole instrument thing could be a mislead. But ya need a thing. One thing nobody else has. What do I have?
- Oz: An exciting new obsession, which I feel makes you very special.
- Faith: She got me really wound up. A fight like that and, no kill. I'm about ready to pop!
- Xander: Really? Pop?!
- Faith: You up for it?
- Xander: Oh, I'm up. I'm suddenly very up. It's just, um, I've never been up with people before.
- Faith: Just relax. And take your pants off.
- Xander: Those two ... concepts are ... antithetical.
- Faith: Don't worry. I'll steer you around the curves.
- Xander: Did I mention that I'm having a very strange night?
- [Thinking he's alone, Xander discovers a bomb in basement of the school]
- Xander: [to bomb] Hello, nasty. [to himself] Less than two minutes. Dumb guy. Little bomb. How hard can it be?
- [Jack, leader of the zombie gang, knocks him to the floor]
- Jack: And it just got harder.
- Xander: I'm not leaving 'til that thing's disarmed.
- Jack: Then I guess you're not leaving. I'm gonna carve you up and serve you with gravy. You piss me off, boy. Now you pay the price. First the eyes, then the tongue. I'm gonna break every one of your fingers.
- Xander: You gonna do all that in forty-nine seconds?
- [Jack looks at the bomb's clock, then the door, then Xander.]
- Xander: I know what you're thinking. Can I get by him? Get up the stairs, out of the building, seconds ticking away. I don't love your chances.
- Jack: Then you'll die, too.
- Xander: Yeah, looks like. So I guess the question really is: Who has less fear?
- Jack: I'm not afraid to die. I'm already dead.
- Xander: Yeah, but this is different. Being blown up isn't walking-around-and-drinking-with-your-buddies dead. It's little-pieces-being-swept-up-by-a-janitor dead, and I don't think you're ready for that.
- Jack: Are you?
- Xander: [tired smile] I like the quiet.
- Wesley: Of course, training procedures have been updated quite a bit since your day. Much greater empasis on field work.
- Giles: Really?
- Wesley: Oh, yes. Not all books and theory nowadays. I have, in fact, faced two vampires myself. Under controlled circumstances, of course.
- Giles: No danger of finding those here.
- Wesley: Vampires?
- Giles: Controlled circumstances. Hello, Buffy.
- Wesley: Well... hello.
- Buffy: New Watcher?
- Giles: New Watcher.
- Wesley: Wesley Wyndam-Pryce. It's very nice to meet you.
- Buffy: Is he evil?
- Wesley: Evil?
- Buffy: The last one was evil.
- Wesley: Oh, yes. Gwendolyn Post. We all heard. No, Mr. Giles has checked my credentials, rather thoroughly, and phoned the Council, but I'm glad to see you're on the ball as well. A good Slayer is a cautious Slayer.
- Buffy: Is he evil?
- Giles: Not in the strictest sense.
- Wesley: Well, I'm glad that's cleared up. As I'm sure none of us is anxious to waste any time of pleasantries, why don't you tell me everything about last night's patrol.
- Buffy: Vampires.
- Wesley: Yes?
- Buffy: Killed 'em.
- Wesley: Anything else you could tell me?
- Buffy: Uh... one of them had swords. I-I don't think he was with the other two.
- Wesley: Swords? Swords... One long, one short?
- Buffy: Mmm. Both pointy. With, like, jewels and things.
- Giles: Sounds familiar.
- Wesley: It should.
- Giles: El Eliminati. 15th--
- Wesley: 15th-century duelist cult, deadly in that day. Their numbers dwindled in later centuries due to an increase in anti-vampire activity, and a lot of pointless dueling. They eventually became the acolytes of a demon called Balthazar, who brought them to the New World, specifically here.
- Giles: You seem to know a lot about them.
- Wesley: I didn't get this job because of my looks.
- Buffy: I really, really believe that.
- Wesley: I've researched this town's history extensively.
- Giles: So why have we not seen them before this?
- Wesley: They were driven out a hundred years ago. Happily, Balthazar was killed. I don't know by whom.
- Buffy: And they're back 'cause...
- Wesley: Balthazar had an amulet purported to give him strength. When he was killed, it was taken by a wealthy landowner named... I don't want to bore you with the details.
- Buffy: Little bit late.
- Wesley: Named Gleaves. It was buried with him, and I believe the few remaining Eliminati are probably looking for it. For sentimental value.
- Giles: And you don't think that this amulet poses any threat?
- Wesley: Oh, no, not at all. Nonetheless, we may as well keep it from them. Buffy, you will go to the Gleaves family crypt tonight and fetch the amulet.
- Buffy: I will?
- Wesley: Are you not used to being given orders?
- Buffy: Whenever Giles sends me on a mission, he always says please. And afterwards I get a cookie.
- Wesley: I don't feel we're getting off on quite the right foot. Ah. This is, perhaps, Faith.
- Faith: New Watcher?
- Buffy, Giles: New Watcher.
- Faith: Screw that. [she turns and leaves]
- Buffy: Now, why didn't I just say that?
- Giles: Uh, Buffy, would you...
- Buffy: I'll see if I can get her back. Don't say anything incredibly interesting while I'm gone.
- Wesley: They'll get used to me.
- Wesley: Now hold on, we can deal with this rationally. We have something you want, you have something we want.
- Balthazar: A trade, intriguing... No, wait, boring. Pull off his kneecaps!
- [Buffy confronts Faith about killing Deputy Mayor Allan Finch (whom she thought was a vampire)]
- Buffy: Faith, it's me. Hey.
- Faith: Hey.
- Buffy: So, I, uh-- How you doing?
- Faith: I'm all right. You know me.
- Buffy: Faith, we need to talk about what we're gonna do.
- Faith: There's nothing to talk about. I was doing my job.
- Buffy: Being a Slayer's not the same as being a killer. Faith, please don't shut me out here. Look, sooner or later, we're both gonna have to deal.
- Faith: Wrong.
- Buffy: We can help each other.
- Faith: I don't need it.
- Buffy: Yeah? Who's wrong now? Faith, you can shut off all the emotions that you want. But eventually, they're gonna find a body.
- Faith: Okay, this is the last time we're gonna have this conversation, and we're not even having it now. You understand me? There is no body. I took it, weighted it, and dumped it-- the body doesn't exist.
- Buffy: Getting rid of the evidence doesn't make the problem go away.
- Faith: It does for me.
- Buffy: Faith, you don't get it. You killed a man.
- Faith: No, you don't get it. I don't care.
- [Cordelia Chase makes an entrance, flirts with Wesley, then leaves.]
- Wesley: My. She's cheeky, isn't she?
- Faith: Uh, first word: jail; second word: bait.
- Faith: I missed the mark last night and I'm sorry about the guy, I really am! But it happens! Anyways, how many people do you think we've saved by now? Thousands? And didn't you stop the world from ending? Because in my book, that puts you and me in the plus column.
- Buffy: We help people! It doesn't mean we can do whatever we want.
- Faith: Why not? The guy I offed was no Gandhi. I mean, we just saw he was mixed up in dirty dealings.
- Buffy: Maybe, but what if he was coming to us for help?
- Faith: What if he was? You're still not seeing the big picture, B. Something made us different. We're warriors. We're built to kill.
- Buffy: To kill demons! But it does not mean that we get to pass judgment on people like we're better than everybody else!
- Faith: We are better!
- [The gang are discussing who should approach Faith.]
- Xander: She was fighting those apocalypse demon things and I helped out... gave her a ride home.
- Buffy: And you guys talked?
- Xander: Not extensively, no.
- Buffy: Then why would you... oh!
- Giles: Oh!
- Willow: I don't need to say "oh", I got it before. They slept together.
- Angel: You can't imagine the price for true evil.
- Faith: Yeah? I hope evil takes MasterCard.
- Faith: You sent your boy to kill me.
- Mayor Wilkins: That's right, I did.
- Faith: He's dust.
- Mayor Wilkins: I thought he might be, what with you standing here and all.
- Faith: I guess that means you have a job opening.
- Buffy: I-I just... well, I-I wanna do...
- Willow: [smiles knowingly] Better than Faith?
- Buffy: [slightly embarrassed] So very shallow.
- Willow: Competition is natural and healthy. Plus, you'll definitely ace her on the psych test. Just don't mark the box that says, "I sometimes like to kill people."
- Faith: Thanks, sugar daddy.
- Mayor Wilkins: Now Faith, you know I don't like that. I'm a family man. Now, let's kill your little friend.
- Vamp Willow: Xander!
- Xander: Will, changing the look not an idle threat with you!
- Vamp Willow: [smiling] You're alive.
- Xander: Uh, Will, this is verging on naughty touching here, don't wanna fall back on bad habits - Hands! Hands in new places!
- Vamp Willow: [revolted] You're alive.
- ...
- Buffy: [approaches Xander and Vamp Willow] So, Xander, are you gonna introduce me to- [Vamp Willow turns to Buffy] Holy God, you're Willow.
- Vamp Willow: [instantly hostile] You.
- Buffy: [nervous, trying to be polite] You know what? I-I like the look. It's, um, it's extreme, but it, it, it looks good, you know, it's a... leather thing, and, uh... I said "extreme" already, right?
- [Vamp Willow turns Willow around and looks her up and down, particularly noticing her pink sweater.]
- Vamp Willow: Well, look at me. I'm all fuzzy.
- Willow: What do I want with you? Uh...
- Vamp Willow: Your little school friend Anya said that you're the one that brought me here. She said that you could get me back to my world.
- Willow: Oh. Oh! Oops!
- Vamp Willow: But I don't know...I kinda like the idea of the two of us.
- [She turns Willow around again, caressing her shoulders.]
- Vamp Willow: We could be quite a team, if you came around to my way of thinking.
- Willow: Would that mean we have to snuggle?
- [Vamp Willow brushes Willow's hair away from her neck.]
- Vamp Willow: What do you say?
- [She gives Willow's neck an eager, lengthy lick. Willow shudders with loathing and grimaces at the feeling.]
- Vamp Willow: Wanna be bad?
- Willow: This just can't get more disturbing.
- [Vamp Willow growls horribly with desire and bares her teeth behind Willow's neck. Willow freaks out and whirls around, stepping back and away from her.]
- Willow: Ack! Ew! No more! You're really starting to freak me out!
- Willow: It's horrible! That's me as a vampire? I'm so evil and...skanky. And I think I'm kinda gay.
- Buffy: Willow, just remember, a vampire's personality has nothing to do with the person it was.
- Angel: Well, actually... [Buffy gives him a look] That's a good point.
- Wesley: And you say this demon wanted cash? That's very unusual.
- Giles: Demons after money. Whatever happened to the still beating heart of a virgin? No one has any standards anymore.
- Mayor Wilkins: There's more than one way to skin a cat. And I happen to know that's factually true.
- Xander: Got the address. I beat it out of Willy the snitch personally.
- Buffy: You beat up Willy?
- Xander: Sure. Well, actually, let's just say I applied some pressure. Or more accurately, that I asked politely. And then... Okay, I bribed him.
- Buffy: How much?
- Xander: Twenty-eight bucks. Does the council reimburse for that kinda stuff?
- Giles: Did you get a receipt?
- Xander: Damn...
- Buffy: I know this. It's down by the bus station. Not the nicest part of town.
- Giles: Again. See, no standards. I mean, any self-respecting demon should be living in a pit of filth or a nice crypt.
- Xander: You know how some people hate to say I told you so? Not me. I told you so. Angel's back in the really bad sense, and um, I told you so.
- Wesley: Angelus has turned? Xander, this is terribly serious. Are you sure?
- Xander: Gee, let me think. Kind of hard to tell. Last thing I remember was his fist.
- Wesley: We must contact Giles immediately.
- Xander: Good thinking. Let's waste time with a lively debate. Leave Buffy alone, and see how dead she gets.
- Cordelia: Slow down, Xander. This isn't Wesley's fault.
- Xander: Actually, it is. Faith was your responsibility. Guess who's Angel's new playmate?
- Willow: Faith and Angel? Together?
- Xander: Imagine the possibilities.
- [after Buffy begins to hear people's thoughts]
- Angel: And Buffy, be careful with this gift. A lot of things that seem strong and good and powerful, they can be painful.
- Buffy: Like, say... immortality?
- Angel: Exactly. I'm dying to get rid of that.
- Buffy: Funny.
- Angel: [deadpan] I'm a funny guy.
- Oz: [voice over] I am my thoughts. If they exist in her, Buffy contains everything that is me and she becomes me. I cease to exist. [out loud] Hmm.
- Xander: [voice over] What am I gonna do? I think about sex all the time! Sex! Help! Four times five is 30. Five times six is 32. Naked girls. Naked women! And naked Buffy! Oh, stop me!
- Buffy: God, Xander! Is that all you think about?
- Xander: Actually... bye. [bolts from the library]
- Buffy: You had sex with Giles? You had sex with Giles?!
- Joyce: It was the candy! We were teenagers!
- Buffy: On the hood of a police car?!
- Joyce: [goes to leave, glances back] I'll be downstairs. [exits] You feel better!
- Buffy: Twice!?
- [Buffy finds Jonathan in the clock tower with a rifle.]
- Jonathan: Go away!
- Buffy: Never gonna happen.
- Jonathan: You think I won't use this?
- Buffy: I don't know, Jonathan. I just –
- Jonathan: Stop doing that!
- Buffy: Doing what?
- Jonathan: Stop saying my name like we're friends! We're not friends! You all think I'm an idiot! A short idiot!
- Buffy: I don't. I don't think about you much at all. Nobody here really does. Bugs you, doesn't it? You have all this pain and all these feelings, and nobody's really paying attention?
- Jonathan: You think I just want attention?
- Buffy: No. I think you're up in the clock tower with a high-powered rifle because you wanna blend in. Believe it or not, Jonathan, I understand about the pain.
- Jonathan [bitterly]: Oh, right! Because the burden of being beautiful and athletic, that's a crippler!
- Buffy: You know what? I was wrong. You are an idiot. My life happens to, on occasion, suck beyond the telling of it. Sometimes more than I can handle. And it's not just mine. Every single person down there is ignoring your pain because they're too busy with their own. The beautiful ones. The popular ones. The guys that pick on you. Everyone. If you could hear what they were feeling. The loneliness. The confusion. It looks quiet down there. It's not. It's deafening... You know, I could've taken that by now.
- Jonathan: I know.
- Buffy: [holds out hand] I'd rather do it this way. [gently takes the rifle from Jonathan as he hands it to her]
- [Buffy and Giles are walking toward the high school.]
- Buffy: Well, it's nice to be able to help someone in a non-slaying capacity. Except he's starting to get that look, you know, like he's gonna ask me to prom.
- Giles: Well, it would probably be good for his self-esteem, if you...
- Buffy: Oh, come on! What am I, Saint Buffy? He's, like, three feet tall!
- Giles: I'm glad to see you've recovered from your psychic encounter more or less intact. Feel up to some training?
- Buffy: Sure. We can work out after school. You know, if you're not too busy having sex with my mother!
- [Giles walks right into a tree.]
- [Buffy and Angel are hunting vampires in a cemetery at night.]
- Buffy: So this is our future? This is how we're going to spend our nights when I'm fifty and you're... the same age you are now?
- [A vampire growls behind them.]
- Angel: Let's just get you to fifty.
- Buffy: Liking that plan.
- Buffy: Well, I don't think I can talk any slower, Wes. I want to leave.
- Wesley: What? Now?
- Buffy: No, not now. After I graduate, you know, college?
- Wesley: But you're a Slayer.
- Buffy: Yeah. I'm also a person. You can't just define me by my slayer-ness. That's... something-ism.
- Buffy: Looks like a job for Wiccan girl. What do you say, Will? Big-time danger.
- Willow: Hey, I eat danger for breakfast.
- Xander: But oddly enough, she panics in the face of breakfast foods.
- Faith: Give me the speech again, please. "Faith, we're still your friends. We can help you. It's not too late."
- Willow: It's way too late. You know, it didn't have to be this way. But you made your choice. I know you had a tough life. I know that some people think you had a lot of bad breaks. Well, boo hoo! Poor you! You know, you had a lot more in your life than some people. I mean, you had friends in your life like Buffy. Now you have no one. You were a slayer and now you're nothing. You're just a big, selfish, worthless waste.
- [Faith knocks Willow to the ground.]
- Faith: You hurt me, I hurt you. I'm just a little more efficient.
- Willow: [stands up] Aw, and here I just thought you didn't have a comeback.
- Buffy: I can't let you stay because of me.
- Willow: Actually, this isn't about you. Although I'm fond, don't get me wrong, of you. The other night, you know, being captured and all, facing off with Faith, things just kinda got clear. I mean, you've been fighting evil here for three years, and I've helped some, and now we're supposed to decide what we want to do with our lives. And I just realized that's what I want to do. Fight evil, help people. I mean, I-I think it's worth doing. And I don't think you do it because you have to. It's a good fight, Buffy, and I want in.
- Buffy: I kind of love you.
- Willow: And, besides, I have a shot at being a bad-ass Wicca, and what better place to learn?
- Buffy: I feel the need for more sugar than the human body can handle.
- Willow: Mochas?
- Buffy: Yes please! [the two get up and walk away] It's weird. You look at something and you think you know exactly what you're seeing, and then you find out it's something else entirely.
- Willow: Neat, huh?
- Buffy: Sometimes it is.
- Anya: The power of the Wish made me a righteous sword to smite the unfaithful.
- Xander: Well, hey! Good luck with that. Hope it works out for you.
- Anya: You know, you can laugh, but I have witnessed a millennium of treachery and oppression from the males of the species, and I have nothing but contempt for the whole libidinous lot of them.
- Xander: Then why you are talking to me?
- Anya: [averting her eyes] I don't have a date for the prom.
- Xander: Well, gosh! I wonder why not. It couldn't possibly have anything to do with your sales pitch?
- Anya: Men are evil... Will you go with me?
- Xander: One of us is very confused, and I honestly don't know which.
- ...
- Anya: When I lost my powers I got stuck with this persona, and now I have all these feelings. I don't understand it. I don't like it. All I know is I really want to go to this dance and I want someone to go with me.
- ...
- Anya: Look, I know you find me attractive. I've seen you looking at my breasts.
- Xander: Nothing personal, but when a guy does that it just means his eyes are open.
- Anya: Whatever. Look, do you wanna go with me or not?
- [Xander's eyes lower for a second, then flick back up to Anya's face.]
- Buffy: [about the Prom] Well, at least we all have someone to go with now. Some of us are going with demons, but I think that's a valid lifestyle choice.
- Buffy: You guys are going to have a prom. The kind of prom that everyone should have. I'm going to give you all a nice, fun, normal evening, if I have to kill every single person on the face of the earth to do it.
- Xander: ...Yay?
- Wesley: Mr. Giles. I'd like your opinion. While the last thing I wish to do is model bad behavior in front of impressionable youth, I wonder if asking Miss Chase to dance would--
- Giles: For God's sake man, she's eighteen! And you have the emotional maturity of a blueberry scone. Just have at it would you, and stop fluttering about.
- Jonathan: This is actually a new category. First time ever. I guess there were a lot of write-in ballots, and, um, well, the prom committee asked me to read this... We're not good friends. Most of us never found the time to get to know you, but that doesn't mean we haven't noticed you. We don't talk about it much, but it's no secret that Sunnydale High isn't really like other high schools. A lot of weird stuff happens here.
- Crowd outbursts: Zombies! . . . Hyena people! . . . Snyder! [laughter]
- Jonathan: But whenever there was a problem or something creepy happened, you seemed to show up and stop it. Most of the people here have been saved by you, or helped by you at one time or another. We're proud to say that the Class of '99 has the lowest mortality rate of any graduating class in Sunnydale history... [applause from the crowd]... And we know at least part of that is because of you. So the senior class offers its thanks, and gives you, uh, this. [produces a glittering, miniature umbrella with a small plaque attached to the shaft] It's from all of us, and it has written here, "Buffy Summers, Class Protector."
- [The crowd breaks into sustained applause and cheering and Buffy is deeply moved.]
- [After Willow and Harmony have signed each other's yearbooks.]
- Willow: I'm going to miss her.
- Buffy: Don't you hate her?
- Willow: Yes, with a fiery vengeance. She picked on me for ten years. Vacuous tramp... It's like a sickness, Buffy. I'm missing everything. I miss P.E.!
- Anya: So I was wondering... maybe if you're free this weekend... we could do some... entertaining thing.
- Xander: Would that be along the lines of you telling me all about the men you destroyed back in your demon days? 'Cause pencil me in!
- Anya: Well, we could do something else you like. We could, um, watch sports of some kind.
- Xander: Uh, I don't know.
- Anya: Men like sports. I'm sure of it.
- Xander: Yes, men like sports. Men watch the action movie, they eat of the beef, and enjoy to look at the bosoms. A thousand years of avenging our wrongs, and that's all that you've learned?
- Xander: The mayor is going to kill us all during graduation.
- Cordelia: Oh! Are you gonna go to fifth period?
- Xander: I was thinking I might skip it.
- Willow: I think we could be dead in two days and you're being ironic, detachment guy.
- Oz: Would it help you if I panic?
- Willow: Yes! It'd be swell. Panic is a thing people can share in times of crisis. And everything's really scary now, you know? And I don't know what's going to happen. A-a-and there's all sorts of things that you're supposed to get to do after high school, and I was really looking forward to doing them, and now we're probably just going to die, and I'd like to feel that maybe you would --
- [Oz kisses her.]
- Willow: What are you doing?
- Oz: Panicking.
- [Oz kisses Willow again, they fall onto Willow's bed.]
- Anya: When I think that something could happen to you, it feels bad inside, like I might vomit.
- Xander: Welcome to the world of romance.
- Anya: It's horrible. No wonder I used to get so much work.
- Xander: Well, I'm sorry I give you barfy feelings.
- Anya: Come with me.
- Xander: I can't.
- Anya: Why not?
- Xander: I got friends on the line.
- Anya: So?
- Xander: That humanity thing's still a work in progress, isn't it?
- Cordelia: I personally don't think it's possible to come up with a crazier plan.
- Oz: We attack the Mayor with hummus.
- Cordelia: I stand corrected.
- Oz: Just keeping things in perspective.
- ...
- Cordelia: My point however is, crazy or not, it's pretty much the only plan. Besides, it's Buffy's, and she's Slay Gal, you know, Little Miss Likes-to-fight. So...
- Xander: I think there was a 'yea' vote buried in there somewhere.
- ...
- Angel: Well, he's not crazy about germs.
- Cordelia: Of course. That's it! We'll attack him with germs!
- Buffy: Great! We'll get him cornered, and then you can sneeze on him.
- Cordelia: No! No. We'll get a container of Ebola virus, and... and, um... or -- it doesn't even have to be real. We could just get a box that says "Ebola" on it, and, um... [snaps her fingers] chase him. [everyone is silent] ...With the box.
- Xander: I'm starting to lean towards the hummus offensive.
- Oz: He'll never see it coming.
- Wesley: I'm not here for the council. Just tell me how I can help.
- Cordelia: That is so classy! Isn't he just so classy?
- Buffy: It's a start.
- Wesley: So there is something I can do? Besides scream like a woman.
- Principal Snyder: Congratulations to the Class of 1999. You all proved more less adequate. This is a time of celebration, so sit still and be quiet. Spit out that gum. Please welcome our distinguished guest speaker, Richard Wilkins III. I saw that gesture. You see me after graduation.
- Willow: Am I late? Did we fight?
- Mayor Wilkins: [clears throat] Well. What a day this is. A special day. Today is our centennial, the 100th anniversary of the founding of Sunnydale, and I know what that mean to all you kids. Not a darn thing. 'Cause today, something much more important happens. Today, you all graduate from high school. Today, all the pain, all the work, all the excitement is finally over. Now, what's 100 years of history compared to that? Do you know what, kids?
- Buffy: Oh, my God. He's going to do the entire speech.
- Willow: Man, just ascend already.
- Buffy: Evil.
- Mayor Wilkins: Maybe the two things connect. Maybe you have a place in Sunnydale's history, whether you like it or not. It's been a long road getting here, for you, for Sunnydale. There's been achievement, joy, good times. And there's been grief. There's been loss. Some people who should be here today... aren't. But we are. Journey's end. And what is a journey? Is it just... distance traveled? Time spent? No. It's what happens on the way. It's the things that shape you. At the end of the journey, you're not the same. Today is about change. Graduation doesn't just mean your circumstances change. It means you do. You ascent to a higher level. Nothing will ever be the same. Nothing.
- [Everyone looks up, noticing the sun being blocked by an eclipse. The Mayor suddenly starts flinching]
- Mayor Wilkins: And so, as we look back on... on the events that brought us to this day...
- Buffy: Come on.
- Mayor Wilkins: We... We must all-- [cries out in pain] It has begun. My destiny. It's a little sooner than I expected. I had this whole section on civic pride. But I guess we'll just skip to the big finish.
- Buffy: Hey! You remember this? I took it from Faith. Stuck it in her gut. Just slid in her like she was butter. You wanna get it back from me, Dick?
- [After Buffy lures the Mayor into a room full of explosives]
- Mayor Wilkins: Well, gosh. [is blown up]
- Cordelia: Well, that was the most fun you can have without having any fun.
- Willow: What about the part where we kicked some demon ass? I didn't hate that.
- Xander: Hear, hear.
- Buffy: You guys want to take off? I think we've pretty much done everything we can.
- Cordelia: I'm for it.
- Willow: Are you okay?
- Buffy: Yeah. I'm okay. I could use a little sleep, though.
- Willow: Yeah.
- Buffy: If someone could just wake me when it's time to go college, that'd be great.
- Oz: Guys, take a moment to deal with this. We survived.
- Buffy: It was a hell of a battle.
- Oz: Not the battle. High school. We're taking a moment. And we're done.
- Xander: Well, school's done. That was so cool.
- Willow: Why do demons even come here? I mean, don't they know how bad we are?
Season 4
[edit]- Buffy: Anything?
- Willow: Ah! "Introduction to the Modern Novel. A survey study of 20th century novelists." Open to freshmen. You might like that.
- Buffy: Introduction to the Modern Novel? I'm guessing I'd probably have to read the modern novel.
- Willow: Maybe more than one.
- Buffy: I like books... I just don't want to take on too much. Do they have an introduction to the Modern Blurb?
- Willow: Oh! "Short Story."
- Buffy: Well, that's good.
- Willow: Oh, no, it conflicts with psych.
- Buffy: Maybe I shouldn't take psych.
- Willow: You gotta. It-It's fun, and-and you can use it as your science requirement. Anyway, Professor Walsh is supposed to be great. She's like world-renowned.
- Buffy: How do you get to be renowned? I mean, like, do you have to be "nowned" first?
- Willow: Yes, first, there's the painful "nowning" process. Wait! "Images of Pop Culture." This is good. They-they watch movies, uh, TV shows, even commercials.
- Buffy: For credit?
- Willow: [laughs] Isn't college cool?
- Buffy: How did I miss that one?
- Willow: Well, you did sort of wait till the last minute with your course selection.
- Buffy: Sorry, Miss "I chose my major in my group."
- Willow: That's an exaggeration. I just, you know, think it's good to be prepared. Don't want to be caught unawares.
- Buffy: Well, I've been busy. It's been a very slay-heavy summer. Just haven't had a whole lot of time to think about life at UC Sunnydale.
- Willow: It's exciting though, isn't it?
- Buffy: Yeah. It's gonna be an adjustment.
- Willow: Yeah, it's like, 5 miles away. [chuckles] Just uncharted territory.
- Buffy: Giles said I have to be secret identity gal again.
- Willow: That makes sense.
- Buffy: It's gonna be tough, though. With a roommate.
- Willow: Yeah.
- Buffy: I'm psyched about college, definitely. I just need to figure out how it's gonna work with my extracurricular activities. I just can't let it take the edge off my slaying. I gotta stay sharp. [sighs] Is this guy ever gonna wake up?
- Buffy: [about college] It's nice that you're excited.
- Willow: It's just that in High School, knowledge was pretty much frowned upon, you really had to work to learn anything. But here... the energy, the collective intelligence, it's like this force. This penetrating force.. and I can just feel my mind opening up, you know, and letting this place just thrust into and spurt knowledge into... [considers what she's saying] That sentence ended up in a different place than it started out in.
- Willow: [spots Oz] Ooh, boyfriend! It's my on campus boyfriend!
- Buffy: Oh no, I forgot to pick mine up, the line's probably really long now too.
- Xander: Buffy, this is all about fear. It's understandable, but you can't let it control you. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to anger. - No, wait, hold on. - Fear leads to hate. Hate leads to the dark side. - Hold on, no. Ahm... First you get the women, then you get the money, then you... - OK, can we forget that?
- Buffy: Thanks for Dadaist pep talk. I feel much more abstract now.
- Xander: The point is, you're Buffy.
- Buffy: Yeah. Maybe in high school I was Buffy.
- Xander: And now in college you're Betty Louise?
- Buffy: Yeah, I'm Betty Louise Plotnick of East Cupcake, Illinois. I might as well be.
- Xander: [...] Let me tell you something. When it's dark and I'm all alone, and I'm scared or freaked out or whatever, I always think “What would Buffy do?” You're my hero. OK, sometimes when it's dark and I'm all alone, I think “What is Buffy wearing?”
- Xander: So, all that other stuff in there, that's just gonna sit in there, right? I mean, no one owns it in the strictest sense.
- Oz: It seems wrong somehow.
- Xander: Dibs on the rowing machine.
- Giles: Buffy!
- Willow: Hi, Giles.
- Xander: What's with the arsenal?
- Giles: I've been awake all night. I know I'm supposed to teach you self-reliance, but I can't leave you out there to fight alone. Uh, to hell with what's right. I-I'm ready to back you up. Let's find the evil and-and-and fight it together.
- Buffy: Great. Thanks. We'll get right on that.
- Giles: The evil is this way?
- Buffy: My room is.
- Willow: Hey, Giles, can you get this box on top?
- Giles: Um...
- Xander: So, college not so scary after all, huh?
- Buffy: It's turning out to be a lot like high school, which I can handle. At least I know what to expect.
- Willow: And you thought your days of sneaking out of your room were over.
- Buffy: No such luck. Kathy's nice and all, but she's... she's sort of... I don't know, like 'mini-mom of Momdonia.'
- Buffy: You guys can do the brain thing, I'm gonna go to class.
- Oz: Which could also be construed as the 'brain thing'.
- Buffy: Not when you're minoring in Nap 101.
- Buffy: So then, Kathy's like, "It's share time," and I'm like, "Oh yeah? Share this."
- [She punches the air.]
- Oz: So either you hit her, or you did your wacky mime routine for her.
- Buffy: Well, I didn't do either, actually, but she deserves it, don't you think?
- Oz: Nobody deserves mime, Buffy.
- Buffy: Oh, Kathy does. She deserves to be locked in an invisible box and blown away by an imaginary wind and...
- Oz: Forced to wear a binding unitard?
- Buffy: Yeah, the itchy kind. It's perfect.
- Oz: Just here to help.
- Buffy: Which I appreciate, but you've never come on routine patrol with me before, Oz. So, what's the deal?
- Oz: It seemed more interesting than homework.
- Buffy: As long as it's an elective. I can handle myself alone, you know.
- Oz: Not in question.
- Buffy: Good. So then, I go to the refrigerator, right? And ther label queen has managed to put...
- Oz: Just a, just a thought, Buffy, do you think that all this ranting is scaring away potential demons?
- Buffy: You're right. Ooh! She's even affecting my work now. She's the Titanic. She's a crawling black cancer! She's... other really bad things.
- Oz: On the plus side, you killed the bench, which was looking shifty.
- Buffy: This isn't funny, Oz. Something has to be done.
- Oz: Agreed.
- Willow: [on the phone with Rupert Giles] Giles, I just talked to Buffy and, yeah, I think she's feeling a little insane. [pause] No, not-not bitchy crazy, more like, homicidal maniac crazy. So I told her to come see you, okay?
- Willow: How's that?
- Buffy: Mm-mmm. A little to the left. There. Perfect. Oh, I'm so glad you're here, Will. I can already feel all that bad Kathy karma just draining away.
- Willow: About that-- the Kathy thing. I'm sorry I doubted you.
- Buffy: You're completely forgiven. I mean, you had reason to doubt. Except for the soul-sucking thing, I bet Kathy was pretty regular as far as roomies go.
- Willow: That's a pretty big "except."
- Buffy: I guess. I'm just glad that it was Kathy's demony ways making me no-fun Buffy. I've always thought I was pretty easy going, you know? It's not like I have the big issues. I don't burn incense or--
- Willow: You gonna finish this?
- Anya: I can't stop thinking about you. Sometimes, in my dreams, you're all naked.
- Xander: Really? You know, if I'm in the checkout lane at the Wal-Mart, I've had that same one.
- Buffy: What's the matter, Spike? Dru dump you again?
- Spike: Maybe I dumped her!
- Harmony: She left him for a fungus demon. That's all he talks about most days.
- Spike: Harm!
- Anya: I like you. You're funny and you're nicely shaped. And, frankly, it's ludicrous to have these interlocking bodies and not... interlock. Please remove your clothing now.
- Xander: And the amazing thing? Still more romantic than Faith.
- Oz: [Looking through Giles's albums] Ok, either I'm borrowing all your albums or I'm moving in.
- Giles: Oz, there are more important things than records right now.
- Oz: [Holds up Loaded by The Velvet Underground] More important than this one?
- Giles: Well, I suppose an argument could be made for--
- Xander: Whoa! Giles has a TV! Everybody... Giles has a TV, he's shallow like us!
- Harmony: Is Antonio Banderas a vampire?
- Spike: No.
- Harmony: Can I make him a vampire?
- Spike: No. [Beat] Wait, on second thought, yeah. Go do that. Take your time. Do Melanie and the kids as well.
- Anya: You haven't called. Not once!
- Xander: You said you were over me.
- Anya: And you just accepted that? I only said that because I thought that's what you wanted to hear.
- Xander: Well, that's the funny thing about me. I tend to hear the actual words people say and accept them at face value.
- Anya: That's stupid.
- Xander: I accept that.
- Willow: [about her costume] I'm Joan of Arc. I figured we had a lot in common, seeing as how I was almost burned at the stake, plus she has that close relationship with God.
- Xander: [to Oz] And you are?
- [Oz opens his jacket and reveals a name tag that says "God."]
- Xander: Of course. I wish I'd thought of that before I put down my deposit. I could've been God.
- Oz: Blasphemer.
- [Buffy, Xander, Willow and Oz met some strange men in masks with guns and walks past them]
- Buffy: Nice costumes. Very Stealthy.
- Willow: Who are they supposed to be?
- Oz: Nato?
- Xander: Oh, I uh invited Anya over to join us, but; she is having some trouble finding a scary costume and she'll probably meet us there.
- Buffy: Perfect! Everyone's got a date except a third wheel Buffy.
- Willow: You're not a third wheel
- Xander: Technically speaking, you're a fifth wheel.
- Willow: We're gonna have the best time.
- Giles: [reading from the book] "The summoning spell for Gachnar can be shut down in one of two ways. Destroying the Mark of Gachnar..."
- [Buffy promptly stamps into the floor, destroying the Mark on the floor and tearing up the boards; she looks very self-satisfied]
- Giles: [greatly irritated] "...is not one of them, and will, in fact, immediately bring forth the fear demon itself!"
- [The demon Gachnar slowly emerges from the pentacle in the floor... and is revealed to be just six inches tall.]
- Buffy: This is Gachnar?
- Xander: [looks down mockingly at Gachnar] Big overture... little show.
- Gachnar: [in a squeaky voice] I am the Dark Lord of Nightmares. The Bringer of Terror! Tremble before me. Fear me!
- Willow: He... he's so cute.
- Gachnar: Tremble.
- [Xander pokes a finger at the tiny demon, speaking to it as if to a puppy.]
- Xander: Who's the little fear demon? Come on, who's the little fear demon?
- Gachnar: I bring the terror.
- Giles: Don't taunt the fear demon.
- Xander: Why? Can he hurt me?
- Giles: No, it's just... tacky. Be that as it may, Buffy, when it comes to slaying...
- Gachnar: I bring the fear.
- Buffy: Size doesn't matter?
- Gachnar: They're all going to abandon you, you know.
- Buffy: Yeah, yeah. [squishes him]
- [After defeating Gachnar, Giles looks back at the small image of him in the book]
- Oz: Some quality treats here, Giles.
- Giles: Please finish them.
- Buffy: This is much better. There is no problem that cannot be solved by chocolate.
- Willow: I think I'm gonna barf.
- Buffy: Except that.
- Anya: What?
- Xander: That's your scary costume?
- Anya: Bunnies frighten me.
- Giles: Oh, bloody hell. The inscription.
- Buffy: What's the matter?
- Giles: I should've translated the Gaelic inscription under the illustration of Gachnar.
- Buffy: What's it say?
- Giles: "Actual size."
- Willow: Aren't you too young to be a bartender?
- Xander: Au contraire, mon frere.
- Buffy: Mon frere means brother.
- Xander: Mon girl-frere. Behold! [holds up a fake ID]
- Willow: I don't believe this is entirely on the up and up.
- Xander: What gives it away?
- Willow: Looking at it.
- Willow: Buffy that is my best friend you need to think about not Parker. He's no good. There are men, better men, wherein the mind is stronger than the penis.
- Xander: Nothing can defeat the penis! [looks around] Too loud, very unseemly.
- Oz: Hey, you got a table.
- Willow: I had to kill a man.
- Oz: Well it's a really good table.
- Giles: I can't believe you served Buffy that beer.
- Xander: I didn't know it was evil.
- Giles: You knew it was beer!
- Xander: Well, excuse me, Mr. I-spent-the-sixties-in-an-electric-Kool-Aid-funky-Satan-groove!
- Giles: It was the early seventies, and you should know better.
- Xander: And was there a lesson in all this? huh? What did we learn about beer?
- Buffy: Foamy.
- Xander: Good, just as long as that's clear. Anyways I think the boys in the car are contained for the time being. This'll give them some time to ponder the geo-political ramifications of being mean to me!
- Willow: The Bronze is more fun this year, isn't it?
- Buffy: 'Cause of the gloating factor alone, you know? We're all about college, now. We've got heady discourse.
- Oz: Yeah, curfew-free nights of mom and pop-less hootenanny.
- Xander: Co-ed dating prospects who find townies sexy and dangerous. What? I can dream.
- Buffy: Right. So if college is so great, what are we doing here and why is it more fun?
- Willow: Because the Bronze is nice and familiar. It's like a big comfy blankie.
- Oz: Will, I was under the impression that I was your big comfy blankie.
- Willow: Aw, you're my person blankie. This is my place blankie.
- Willow: How come you didn't tell me I look like a crazy birthday cake in this shirt?
- Buffy: I thought that was the point.
- Oz: You don't wanna find out what I am.
- Veruca: You're an animal... Animals kill.
- Oz: You're right. We kill.
- Willow: Oz, don't you love me?
- Oz: My whole life, I've never loved anything else.
- Oz: Veruca was right about something. The wolf is inside me all the time, and I don't know where that line is anymore between me and it. And until I figure out what that means, I shouldn't be around you... Or anybody.
- Willow: Well, that could be a problem 'cause people... Kind of a planetary epidemic.
- Buffy: You know, for someone who teaches human behavior, you might try showing some.
- Professor Walsh: It's not my job to coddle my students.
- Buffy: You're right. A human being in pain has nothing to do with your job. [exits]
- Professor Walsh: I like her.
- Willow: OK, say that I help and you start a conversation. It goes great. You like Buffy, she likes you. You spend time together, feelings grow deeper and one day, without even realizing it, you find you're in love. Time stops and it feels like the whole world's made for you two and you two alone, until the day one of you leaves and rips the still-beating heart from the other, who's now a broken, hollow mockery of the human condition.
- Riley: [taken aback] Yep, that's the plan.
- Willow: I figured it was.
- [Spike, having tricked Willow into inviting him into her dorm room, prepares to attack her.]
- Spike: I'll give you a choice. Now I'm going to kill you - no choice in that. But I can let you stay dead... or bring you back, to be like me.
- Willow [frightened]: I'll scream!
- Spike: Bonus. [moves toward Willow's neck]
- ...
- [A short time later, Spike sits on Willow's bed, confused and disconsolate. Willow still cowers from him.]
- Spike: I don't understand. This sort of thing's never happened to me b-before.
- Willow: Maybe you were nervous.
- Spike: I felt all right when I started. Let's try again. [he leaps on her and draws back in pain] Ow! Oh! {he tries again] Ow! Damn it!
- Willow: Maybe you're trying too hard. Doesn't this happen to every vampire?
- Spike: Not to me it doesn't.
- Willow: It's me, isn't it?
- Spike: What are you talking about?
- Willow: Well, you came looking for Buffy, then settled. You didn't wanna bite me. I just happened to be around.
- Spike: Piffle.
- Willow: I know I'm not the kind of girl vamps like to sink their teeth into. It's always like, "Oooh, you're like a sister to me," or, "Oh, you're such a good friend."
- Spike: Don't be ridiculous. I'd bite you in a heartbeat.
- Willow: Really?
- Spike: Thought about it.
- Willow: When?
- Spike: Remember last year, you had on that, uh, fuzzy pink number with the lilac underneath?
- Willow: I never would've guessed. You played the blood-lust kinda cool.
- Spike: Mmm. I hate being obvious. All fangy and "rrr!" Takes the mystery out.
- Willow: But if you could...
- Spike: If I could, yeah.
- [beat]
- Willow: You know, this doesn't make you any less terrifying.
- Spike: Don't patronize me. [desperate and embarrassed]: I'm only 126!
- Willow: You're being too hard on yourself. Why don't we wait a half an hour and try again? [pauses, realizes what she's saying] Or...
- [Willow grabs a lamp, smashes it over Spike's head and tries to flee the room.]
- Xander: Well, how about this: we whip out the Ouija board, light a few candles, summon some ancient unstoppable evil? Mayhem, mayhem, mayhem; we show up and and kick its ass.
- Giles [pauses to contemplate]: A wee bit unethical.
- Riley: Hey.
- Buffy: Hi.
- Riley: Listen, sorry about last night.
- Buffy: No, no, I was rude. I just felt like being alone. Sometimes it's nice to be out by yourself at night.
- Riley: I hear that. Got to be careful, though. A lot of strange... people out there.
- Buffy: Oh, yeah.
- Riley: How's Willow doing?
- Buffy: Okay. Course, that stupid fraternity prank on our dorm didn't help any.
- Riley: That's right. I forgot you guys live in Stevenson.
- Buffy: You knew that?
- Riley: Well, Willow and I were... I thought she might be able to help me on a project.
- Buffy: Really? That work out for you?
- Riley: Don't know yet.
- Buffy: Uh, last night... at the party, you wanted to tell me something?
- Riley: Oh, yeah. Very important stuff. I don't remember any of it now. But, you would've been fascinated. Possibly even moved. Did Willow tell you I like cheese?
- Buffy: You're a little peculiar.
- Riley: I can live with that.
- Willow: Thanksgiving isn't a-about blending of two cultures. It's about one culture wiping out another! A-and then they make animated specials about the part where... w-with the maize and th-the big, big belt buckles. They don't show you the next scene, where... where all the bison die, a-and Squanto takes a musketball in the stomach!
- Buffy: Okay, now, for some of that, you were channeling your mother?
- Buffy: With Mom at Aunt Darlene's this year, I'm not getting a Thanksgiving. Maybe it's just as well.
- Anya: Well, I think that's a shame. I love a ritual sacrifice.
- Buffy: It's not really a one of those.
- Anya: To commemorate a past event, you kill and eat an animal. It's a ritual sacrifice... with pie.
- Anya: I inflicted a lot of putrefying diseases on men when I was an avenging demon, you look like you're getting all of them.
- Xander: Okay, I'll stay. But you should go, you could catch it.
- Anya: We'll die together. It's romantic... Help me get your trousers off.
- Xander: You're a strange girlfriend.
- Anya: I'm a girlfriend?
- Xander: Oh, there's a chance I'm delirious.
- Anya: Ah, yes. Well, whatever it is that's making you sick, so far I like it.
- Spike: Oh, someone put a stake in me!
- Xander: You gotta lot of volunteers in here.
- Spike: I just can't take all this namby-pamby boo-hooing about the bloody Indians.
- Willow: Uh, the preferred term is-
- Spike: You won. All right? You came in and you killed them and you took their land. That's what conquering nations do. That's what Caesar did, and he's not going around saying, "I came, I conquered, I felt really bad about it." The history of the world is not people making friends. You had better weapons, and you massacred them. End of story.
- Buffy: Well, I think the Spaniards actually did a lot of-- Not that I don't like Spaniards.
- Spike: Listen to you. How you gonna fight anyone with that attitude?
- Willow: We don't wanna fight anyone.
- Buffy: I just wanna have Thanksgiving.
- Spike: Heh. Yeah...Good luck.
- Willow: If we could talk to him--
- Spike: You exterminated his race. What could you possibly say that would make him feel better? It's kill or be killed here. Take your bloody pick.
- Xander: Maybe it's the syphilis talking, but... some of that made sense.
- Giles: I made a lot of these points earlier, but fine, no one listens to me.
- Buffy: I'll never get used to this. One day, she's at the friendship ceremony. The next day, she's on the news.
- Willow:The coroner's office said she was missing an ear. So I'm thinking, maybe we're looking for a witch. There's some great spells that work much better with an ear in the mix.
- Buffy: That's one fun little hobby you've got there, Will.
- Willow: Or... or maybe an ear-harvesting demon that--it's, like, building another demon completely out of ears. Or... ooh! Thought. We're just assuming someone else cut off the ear. What if it was self-inflicted, like Van Gogh?
- Buffy: So... she brutally stabs herself, dumped the body, then cut off her own ear?
- Willow: No. She cut off her ear, then killed herself, then dumped the body--I'm really off my game, aren't I?
- Buffy: It's just... different, you know? A picnic. First of all, daylight. That's kind of a new venue, Buffy-wise. And the best part, he said that he would bring all the food, so all I have to do is show up and eat. Those are two things I'm really good at.
- Willow: So, he's nice?
- Buffy: Very, very.
- Willow: And there's sparkage?
- Buffy: Yeah. He's... Have you seen his arms? Those are... good arms to have. I really like him. I do.
- Willow: But?
- Buffy: I don't know. I really like being around him, you know? And I think he cares about me. But... I just... feel like something's missing.
- Willow: He's not making you miserable?
- Buffy: Exactly. Riley seems so solid, like... he wouldn't cause me heartache.
- Willow: Get out. Get out while there's still time.
- Buffy: I know. I have to get away from that "bad boy" thing. There's no good there. Seeing Angel in L.A., even for five minutes, hello to the pain.
- Willow: The pain is not a friend.
- Buffy: But I can't help thinking, isn't that where the fire comes from? Can a nice, safe relationship be that intense? I know it's nuts, but part of me believes that real love and passion have to go hand in hand with pain and fighting. (Stakes a vampire) I wonder where I get that from.
- Giles: Look, Spike - we have no intention of killing a harmless... uh, creature... we have to know what's been done to you. We can't let you go until we're sure that you're... impotent...
- Spike: Hey!
- Giles: Sorry, poor choice of words. Until we're sure you're, you're...
- Buffy: Flaccid?
- Spike: You are one step away, missy -
- Buffy: [sarcastically] Giles, help! He's going to scold me.
- ...
- Buffy: Oh, look at my poor neck... all bare and tender and exposed. All that blood, just pumping away.
- Giles: Oh, please.
- Spike: Giles, make her stop.
- Giles: [walks away] If those two don't kill each other, I might lend a hand.
- Spike: Passions is on! Timmy's down a bloody well, and if you make me miss it I'll -
- Giles: Do what? Lick me to death?
- Buffy: Spike and I are getting married!
- Xander: How? What? How?
- Giles: Three excellent questions.
- Spike: [to Buffy] What are you looking at?
- Buffy: The man I love.
- [She and Spike kiss, long and salaciously. Xander and Anya avert their eyes.]
- Xander: Can I be blind too?
- Spike: Don't I get a cookie?
- Buffy: No.
- Spike: Well, I gotta have something. I still have Buffy taste in my mouth.
- Buffy: You're a pig, Spike.
- Spike: Yeah, well, I'm not the one who wanted Wind Beneath My Wings for the first dance.
- [Xander, Anya and Giles turn and stare incredulously at Buffy.]
- Buffy: [embarrassed] ... That was the spell!
- Willow: Man, that was an exciting class, huh?
- Buffy: Oh, yeah — wow.
- Willow: And the last twenty minutes — it was a revelation. Just laid out everything we need to know for the final. I'd hate to have missed that.
- Buffy: Just tell me I didn't snore.
- Willow: Very discreet. Minimal drool.
- [At Giles's apartment, Xander and Anya are arguing about their relationship.]
- Xander: If you don't know how I feel about -
- Anya: I don't. This isn't a relationship! You don't need me. All you care about is lots of orgasms.
- [The others are silent with disbelief.]
- Xander: OK... remember how we talked about private conversations? How they're less private when they're in front of my friends?
- Spike: Oh, we're not your friends. Go on.
- Giles: Please don't.
- [Xander ties Spike to a chair before getting into bed.]
- Spike: Don't see why I have to be tied up.
- Xander: It's just while I'm sleeping.
- Spike: Like I'd bite you, anyway.
- Xander: Oh, you would.
- Spike: Not bloody likely.
- Xander: I happen to be very biteable, pal. I'm moist and delicious.
- Spike: Alright, yeah, fine. You're a nummy treat.
- Xander: And don't you forget it.
- [Discussing Willow's wicca group]
- Buffy: So not stellar, huh?
- Willow: Talk. All talk. Blah blah Gaia, blah blah moon, menstrual life-force power thingy. You know after a couple of sessions I was hoping we would get into something real but...
- Buffy: No actual witches in your witch group.
- Willow: No, bunch of wanna-blessed-bes. Nowadays every girl with a henna tattoo and a spice rack thinks she's a sister to the dark ones.
- Giles: I thought vampires were supposed to eat blood.
- Spike: Yeah, well sometimes I like to crumble up the Weetabix in the blood. Gives it a little texture.
- Giles: Since the picture you just painted means that I will never touch food of any kind again, you'll just have to pick it up yourself.
- Spike: Sissy.
- Xander: I have to get to work.
- Spike: Yeah, delivering melted cheese on bread. Doing your part to keep America constipated.
- [The gang discusses a mysterious symbol.]
- Willow: It just made me feel like I was right back in high school.
- Xander: Dumb jock. If it wasn't for you, he still would be.
- Willow: Yeah. I mean, I know the Percy thing isn't really important. It's the dead guy on the bed.
- Xander: Yeah. That's bad, too.
- Willow: Ooh, and something else: he, the dead guy, was-was propped up, like whatever killed him wanted to drain the blood out of him. So I'm thinking the whatever took a bunch of the guy's blood with him. And I haven't been a nerd for a very long time. Hello, dating a guitarist. Or, I was.
- Buffy: Tell them about the symbol.
- Willow: Right. Um, it was carved into his chest, like a big, creepy eye.
- Xander: It's kind of like the CBS logo. Hey, could this be the handiwork of one Mr. Morley Safer?
- Buffy: I'm telling you, I've seen this somewhere before. I just can't remember where. I mean, it's like...
- Giles: It's the end of the world.
- Buffy, Willow, Xander: Again?
- Giles: It's, um, the earthquake... That symbol is, um...
- Buffy: I told you. I said end of the world. And you're like, "Pooh-pooh, Southern California, pooh-pooh".
- Giles: I'm so very sorry. My contrition completely dwarfs the impending apocalypse.
- Willow': No, i-it can't be. We-we've done this already.
- Giles: It's the end of the world. Everyone dies. It's rather important, really.
- Willow: So what do we do?
- Buffy: I stop it.
- Xander: Besides, look on the bright side. If we don't come up with a solution, we might face an apocalypse.
- Spike: [extremely happy] Really? You're not just saying that?
- Spike: [To Xander] Kids your age are heading off to University. You've made it as far as the basement. And Red here couldn't even keep Dog Boy happy. You can take the loser out of high school, but...
- Willow: I see what you're doing. You're trying to get us to dust you.
- Spike: I'm not. I just don't want pity from geeks more useless than I am.
- Spike: What's this? Sitting around and watching the telly while there's evil still afoot. It's not very industrious of you. I say we go out there and kick a little demon ass. What? Can't go without your Buffy, is that it? Too chicken? Let's find her. She is the Chosen One, after all. Come on! Vampires! Grr! Nasty! Let's annihilate them. For justice, and for the safety of puppies, and Christmas, right? Let's fight that evil! Let's kill something! Oh, come on!
- Maggie Walsh: So, the Slayer!
- Buffy: Yeah. That's me.
- Maggie Walsh: We thought you were a myth.
- Buffy: Well, you were myth-taken
- Maggie Walsh: It's only our methods that differ; we use the latest in scientific technology and state of the art weaponry and you, if I understand correctly, poke them with a sharp stick.
- Buffy: Er, its more effective then it sounds-
- Maggie Walsh: Oh, I'm - quite sure of that. As I'm just as sure that we can learn much from each other. I'm working on getting you clearance into the Initiative, I think you'll find the results of our operation most impressive. Agent Finn here alone has killed and captured... How many is it?
- Riley: Seventeen: eleven vampires, six demons.
- Buffy: Oh... wow. I mean, that's... seventeen.
- Maggie Walsh: What about you?
- Buffy: Me?
- Maggie Walsh: How many Hostiles would you say you've slain?
- [Buffy uncomfortably searches for the right words]
- Riley: But you killed the- You did that thing with that- Uh, you drowned. And the snake! Not to mention... daily... slayage of... Wow.
- Buffy: It's no big, really. Hey, who wants ice cream?
- Riley: Buffy. When I saw you stop the world from, you know, ending, I just assumed that was a big week for you. Turns out I suddenly find myself needing to know the plural of "apocalypse".
- Buffy: [Light-heartedly] Look, if you were fighting since you were fifteen, you'd have a hefty resume too!
- Riley: Fifteen?!
- [Spike is in the process of moving out of Xander's basement.]
- Xander: You own nothing. This shouldn't be taking so long.
- Spike: Hang on. Let a fella get organized. [picks up radio.]
- Xander: That's my radio!
- Spike: And you're what? Shocked and disappointed? I'm evil!
- Giles: Spike. Wonderful. A perfect end to a perfect day.
- Spike: Giles?
- Giles: Go on, then. Let's get on with the fighting -- You understand me?
- Spike: Of course I understand you.
- Giles: I'm speaking English?
- Spike: No, you're speaking Fyarl. I happen to speak Fyarl. And... by the way, why the hell are you suddenly a Fyarl demon? You just come over all demony this morning?
- Willow: Guess she's out with Riley. You know how it is with a spanking new boyfriend.
- Anya: [offhandedly while stacking her chips] Yes, we've enjoyed spanking.
- [Xander loses control of the deck he was shuffling.]
- Maggie Walsh: It took the patrol team 42 minutes to track you and you neutralized them in 28 seconds.
- Buffy: I was just lucky.
- Maggie Walsh: I see. Well...still. Very impressive.
- Buffy: I was just being modest with the whole 'lucky' thing. You got that, right?
- Riley: Regret to report Hostile 17 still at large. I've left Beta Team to comb the area but the tracer's--
- Maggie Walsh: [interrupting, with faked sorrow] Riley, something's happened. I-I don't know what to say. It-It's about Buffy.
- Riley: Buffy?
- Maggie Walsh: Two of our hostiles broke free and escaped into the tunnels. She went after them on her own. She's dead, Riley.
- Riley: [utterly shocked] What?
- Maggie Walsh: I did everything I could to stop her. I told her to wait for a back-up team. She kept insisting she didn't need any team, she could handle it by herself. I-I'm so, so sorry.
- Riley: [now into shellshock] I don't understand.
- Maggie Walsh: I know what she meant to you.
- Riley: How could this happen?
- Maggie Walsh: She was a very, very special girl. I didn't understand at first, (sighs) but she had something. I don't know, maybe, maybe I could've... stopped her. [Behind Walsh, the com-cam image on the monitors starts to move. Buffy appears in its picture] It's hard not to blame myself.
- [Not realizing that Riley is suddenly seeing Buffy on the monitors]
- Buffy: [speaking through the monitor] Professor Walsh? That simple little recon you sent me on... wasn't a raccoon. [Walsh slowly faces the monitors] Turns out it was me trapped in the sewers with a faulty weapon and two of your pet demons. If you think that's enough to kill me, you really don't know what a Slayer is. Trust me when I say you're gonna find out.
- Maggie Walsh: Riley. Agent Finn, I order you to stop! Agent Finn! Riley!
- Giles: It'll be dark soon. I think it would be wise for you to leave Sunnydale.
- Spike: I'm not going anywhere, not until those bastards undo whatever they did to me. Put me back the way I was.
- Xander: Sure, just explain to the nice scientist guys that you really miss killing and torturing innocent people.
- Spike: You think that would work?
- Giles: Spike, Lord know why I'm telling you this. It's for your own good. As long as the Initiative is in operation, it's not safe for you here.
- Buffy: No. It's not safe for any of us.
- Maggie Walsh: So, all right. Fine. If she wants a fight we'll give her one, won't we, Adam? I've worked too long, too long, to let some little bitch threaten this project, threaten me. She has no idea who she's dealing with. Once she's gone, Riley will come around. He'll understand. It was for the greater good. He'll see that. And if he doesn't... well, first things first. Remove the complication. And when she least expects it-- [screams, as Adam stabs her from behind] Adam?
- Adam: Mommy.
- Xander: Seems pretty quiet.
- Buffy It usually is this time of--
- Xander: Buff, maybe you should check the look later.
- Buffy: Shh!
- Xander: Ow! What'd you do that for?
- Buffy: Sorry, I'm the only one that can pass the retinal scan.
- Xander: The-- Ew! I don't wanna see that.
- Buffy: Retinal scan, Xander. Well, we'll know in a few seconds if my clearance is still good.
- Xander: Or if we're about to die at the hands of 50 grief-fueled military goons. Why am I not entirely comforted by the arrival of the man-size microwave?
- Xander: Holy moley!
- Buffy: I know.
- Xander: I totally get it now. Can I have sex with Riley, too? Quick, pretend to make out with me!
- Buffy: What? What are you talking about?!
- Xander: Well, I, uh... You know, in the movies, the guy and the girl have to hide.
- Buffy: Please. Could you possibly draw more attention to us? This is the Initiative, Xander. Military guys and scientists do not make out with each other.
- Xander: Well, maybe that's what's wrong with the world. Ever think about that?
- [Buffy, Willow, and Anya are watching Road Runner in bed in Xander's Basement]
- Buffy: That would never happen.
- Willow: Well no, Buff, that's why they're called cartoons, not documentaries.
- Giles: Must we have the noise? My Head is splitting.
- Willow: Well, look who's cranky bear in the morning.
- Giles: Yes, I can't imagine why I didn't sleep well in my beach ball.
- Anya: Everytime you moved, it make squeaky noises. It was irritating.
- Giles: Really? I'm surprised you could hear it over your Wagnerian snoring.
- Buffy: Okay, you guys. Could we not, please? Everything's screwed up enough without you two doing scenes from my parent's marriage.
- Anya: Sorry.
- Giles: Sorry.
- Buffy: Thank you.
- Willow: It'll be okay, Buffy. Riley's just confused, that's all.
- Buffy: I don't know. Just seems like things could get heavier. His whole world's falling apart.
- Anya: And after everything you've been through with Angel. You know, you really sould get yourself a boring boyfriend, like Xander. You can't have Xander.
- Buffy: That was the idea. Riley was supposed to be Mr. Joe Guy. We were gonna do dumb things like hold hands through the daisies, going "Tra-la-la."
- Willow: Poor Buffy, your life resists all thing average.
- Anya: So dump him. But you can't have Xander.
- Buffy: I'll try and remember that. It's too late, anyway. I'm already at the "I hurt when he hurts, I smiles when he smiles" stage.
- Anya: I hate that part.
- Buffy: I'll just have to make it work.
- Xander: Turn on the TV. Now!
- TV Announcer: Sunnydale is still reeling from news of the crime. A source in the coroner's office tells us that the boy was stabbed with what looks like some kind of large skewer, and his body was then mutilated. Police have not named a suspect, and the killer is still at large.
- Buffy: The Polgara demon had a skewer in its arm. That's the one that Maggie insisted we bring back alive.
- Giles: She must have sent it after you.
- Buffy: And it got distracted. God!
- Willow: Buffy, it's not your fault. How could you know?
- Giles: She's right. You mustn't blame yourself.
- Buffy: I'm not going to. I'm going to the crime scene to see what I can find out. You guys research the Polgara demon. I want to know where it is. When I find it, I'm going to make it pay for taking that kid's life. I'll make him die in ways he can't even imagine. [uncomfortable pause] That probably would have sounded more commanding if I wasn't wearing my yummy sushi pajamas.
- Willow: No word from Riley?
- Buffy: Nothing. The Initiative probably has him locked in some medical ward. There's no way I can get near him until I come up with a better plan than just storming in and getting us all shot.
- Willow: Yeah, you might want to work the kinks out of that one.
- Buffy: What am I gonna do? He needs me and I can't get near him.
- Willow: You'll find a way.
- Buffy: It's not like I can spend all my energy going after the Initiative. Not while Adam's not there.
- Willow: He's really that big of a threat?
- Buffy: [about Adam] I could barely fight him. It was like Maggie designed him to be the ultimate warrior. He's smart and fast. He gave the commando guys the slip with no problem.
- Willow: There's gotta be a flaw.
- Buffy: I think the part where he's pure evil and kills randomly was an oversight. I never should have let them take Riley. I need to be with him.
- Willow: I'm sure he's okay.
- Buffy: There's no way he can be. Everything he's ever believed in has been taken away or... He's alone. He has nothing to hold on to.
- Xander: Spike.
- Giles: What are you doing here?
- Spike: Me? Hey, I'm not the one out of place here.
- Xander: For your information, smarty, we've got a rogue slayer on our hands. Real psycho killer, too.
- Spike: Sounds serious.
- Giles: It is. What do you know?
- Spike: What do you need?
- Xander: Her, dark hair, yea tall, name of Faith, criminally insane.
- Giles: Have you seen her?
- Spike: Is this bird after you?
- Xander: In a bad way. Yeah.
- Spike: Tell you what I'll do then. I'll head out, find this girl, tell her exactly where all of you are, and then watch as she kills you. [sees the surprised looks on Giles and Xanders faces and sighs] Can any one of your damn little Scooby club at least try to remember that I hate you all? Just because I can't do the damage myself doesn't stop me from aiming a loose cannon your way. And here I thought the evening would be dull.
- Xander: Go ahead! You wouldn't even recognize her.
- Spike: Dark hair, this tall, name of Faith, criminally insane. I like this girl already.
- Xander: [to Giles] We're dumb.
- Willow: What did you tell him?
- Buffy: The truth, that she's my wacky identical cousin from England and whenever she visits, hijinks ensue.
- Willow: It's good you guys have such an honest relationship.
- Buffy: No, I told him the story. I vagued-up a few bits but no flat-out lies.
- Willow: That's fair. How'd you handle the Angel-y parts?
- Buffy: I did some editing. It's not that I'm trying to hide anything from Riley. It's... just that that's a longer conversation, and, I had a Faith hunt to do.
- Willow: Any luck?
- Buffy: Couldn't find her. Don't know exactly where to place that in the luck continuum.
- Willow: At least you're not alone on this. I'll bet every cop in Sunnydale is out there looking for her right now.
- Buffy: Pressure's definitely high. I'll tell you, if I were her, I'd get out of Dodge post-hasty.
- Faith: You're not me.
- Faith: So, check you out, B. Nice. The "big girl on campus" thing's really working for you.
- Buffy: I've been looking for you.
- Faith: I've been standing still for eight months, B. How hard you look?
- Buffy: Are you all right?
- Faith: Five by five. That's the thing about a coma-- you wake up all rested and rejuvenated, and ready for payback.
- Buffy: So much for pleasantries, huh?
- Faith: What'd you think, I'd wake up and we'd go for tea? You tried to gut me, Blondie.
- Buffy: You'd have done the same to me if you'd had the chance.
- Faith: So let's have another go at it, see who lands on top.
- Buffy: It doesn't have to be like this, you know.
- Faith: Actually, I think it has to be exactly like this.
- Buffy: Faith, these are innocent people.
- Faith: No such animal.
- Buffy: I guess it was too much to hope that you'd use your downtime to reflect and grow.
- Faith: Could say the same about you. I mean, you're still the same old "better than thou" Buffy. I mean, I knew it somehow. I kept having this dream. I'm not sure what it means, but in the dream, this self-righteous blonde chick stabs me. And you want to know why?
- Buffy: You had it coming.
- Faith: That's one interpretation. But in my dream, she does it for a guy. [Willow starts to sneak up behind Faith and is about to hit her with her backpack] Try it, Red, and you lose an arm. [Willow backs off] I wake up to find that this blonde chick isn't even dating the guy she was so nuts about before. I mean, she's moved on to the first college beefstick she meets. And not only has she forgotten about the love of her life, she's forgotten all about the chick she nearly killed for him. So that's my dream. That and some stuff about cigars and a tunnel. But, uh, tell me, college girl, what does it mean?
- Buffy: To me? Mostly, that you still mouth off about things you don't understand. [Police sirens are heard] Uh-oh, I guess somebody knows you're here. [Faith hits Buffy]
- Officer: Break it up!
- Faith: You took my life, B. Payback's a bitch.
- Willow: Look who's talking.
- Faith: See you around.
- Faith: Hi, Joyce. Mind if I come in?
- Faith: Ruby Sunset. Burgundy Skyline? Harlot. Mmm. Way to go, Joyce. Now, normally, I wouldn't be going with a color this dark, but I read in some magazine eight months in a coma will damage a girl's natural skin tone. Good thing pale is in this year. Or was it last year? Mwah. Anyway, for real now, I'm gonna ask you something, and you got to promise you'll be honest and not spare my feelings just 'cause I could kill you. You promise?
- Joyce: I promise.
- Faith: Okay. How do I look?
- Joyce: Psychotic.
- Faith: Hmm. I was shooting for sultry, but, hey... Bet I know what you're thinking.
- Joyce: Really?
- Faith: You're thinking, "You're never get away with this." Warm?
- Joyce: Actually, I was thinking my daughter is going to kill you soon.
- Faith: That a fact?
- Joyce: More like a bet.
- Faith: Whoa. You got a pair on you, Joyce. I like seeing that in a woman your age. Guess you can afford to talk that way. I mean, in the world according to Joyce, Buffy is gonna come crashing through that door any minute. But, look what I found. Buffy Summers. Buffy Summers, Buffy Summers, Buffy, Buffy. A lot of letters. She, uh, hasn't been by in a while, huh? And you think, with a crazy chick like me on the loose, crazy chick with a wicked grudge against her, no less, she'd call and give you a heads-up. But Buffy's too into her own deal to remember dear old mom.
- Joyce: You don't know the first thing about Buffy. Or me.
- Faith: Don't I? I know what it's like. You think you matter. You think you're a part of something, and you get dumped. It's like the whole world is moving but you're stuck. Like those animals in the tar pits. It's like you just keep sinking a little deeper everyday and nobody even sees.
- Joyce: [sounding bored] Were you planning to slit my throat anytime soon?
- Faith: Don't tell me you don't see it, Joyce. You served your purpose. You squirted out the kid, raised her up, and now you might as well be dead. I mean, nobody cares, nobody remembers, especially not Buffy, fabulous superhero. Sooner or later you're gonna have to face it, she was over us a long time ago, Joyce. [voice rising to a shout] Too busy climbing onto her new boy toy to give a single thought to the people that matter! I mean, you're her mother, and she just leaves you here to die!
- Buffy: [Dives in through the window, punches Faith] Hi, Mom.
- Joyce: Hi, honey.
- Joyce: Faith, why do you think she's like that?
- Faith: [in Buffy's body] You know, she's a nut job.
- Joyce: I just don't understand what could drive a person to that kind of behavior.
- Faith: [in Buffy's body] Well, how do you know she got drove? I mean, maybe she likes being that way.
- Joyce: I'll never believe that. I think she's horribly unhappy.
- Faith [in Buffy's body, about Faith]: Well, could be things are looking up. I mean, a little stint in the pokey, show her the error of her ways. I'm sure there's some big ol' Bertha just waiting to shower her ripe little self with affection.
- Joyce: Buffy!
- Faith: [in Buffy's body] I'm sorry, Mom. It's just... when I think about how she might have hurt you, I just... I can't stand it.
- Joyce: Oh. Sorry.
- Faith: [in Buffy's body] No, I'm just... sore from the fight.
- Joyce: I've missed you.
- Faith: [in Buffy's body] 'Cause I haven't visited, right? I knew it.
- Joyce: I know how it is. You've got so much in your life now.
- Faith: [in Buffy's body] I'm a busy little beaver. College and all.
- Joyce: Of course. But, um, maybe we could spend some time together soon? Some night when I'm not being held hostage by a raving psychotic.
- Faith: [in Buffy's body] Count on it. I'm gonna take a bath.
- Spike: You know why I really hate you, Summers?
- Faith: [in Buffy's body] 'Cause I'm a stuck-up tight-ass with no sense of fun?
- Spike: Well, yeah. That covers a lot of it.
- Faith: [in Buffy's body] 'Cause I could do anything I want and instead I choose to pout and whine and feel the burden of Slayerness. I mean, I could be rich, I could be famous. I could have anything. Anyone. Even you, Spike. I could ride you at a gallop until your legs buckled and your eyes rolled up. I've got muscles you've never even dreamed of. I could squeeze you until you pop like warm champagne and you'd beg me to hurt you just a little bit more. And you know why I don't? [mockingly] Because it's wrong.
- Spike: I get this chip out, you and me are going to have a confrontation.
- [Buffy tries to convince Giles she truly is Buffy, despite being trapped in Faith's body.]
- Buffy: [in Faith's body] Giles!
- Giles: God!
- Buffy: [in Faith's body] Don't move. Okay, Giles, you have to listen to me very carefully. I'm not Faith.
- Giles: Really?
- Buffy: [in Faith's body] Really.
- Giles: 'Cause the resemblance is striking.
- Buffy: [in Faith's body] I know, Giles. You just have to... Stop inching. You were inching.
- Giles: Look, I-I know what you're gonna say, and-and, uh...
- Buffy: [in Faith's body] I'm Buffy.
- Giles: All right, I didn't know what you were going to say, but that doesn't make you any less crazy.
- Buffy: [in Faith's body] Faith switched. I mean, she had some device. She switched our bodies. Giles, I swear... it's me.
- Giles: Um, if-if you are Buffy, then, uh... then you'll let me tie you up without killing me, um, until we find out whether you're telling the truth.
- Buffy: [in Faith's body] Giles, Faith has taken my body, and for all I know, she's taken it to Mexico by now. I don't have time for bondage fun. Ask me a question. Ask me anything.
- Giles: Who's president?
- Buffy: [in Faith's body] We're checking for Buffy, not a concussion.
- Giles: Oh, yes, right. Um...
- Buffy: [in Faith's body] Oh, this is... Giles, you turned into a demon, and I knew it was you. I mean, can't you just look into my eyes and be all intuitive?
- Giles: How did I turn into a demon?
- Buffy [in Faith's body]: Oh, 'cause, uh, Ethan Rayne. And-and you have a girlfriend named Olivia, and you haven't had a job since we blew up the school, which is valid lifestyle-wise. I mean, it's not like you're a slacker-type, but... Oh, oh! When I had psychic power, I heard my mom think that you were like a stevedore during sex. What...? Do you want me to continue?
- Giles: Actually, I beg you to stop.
- Buffy [in Faith's body]: What's a stevedore?
- Giles: All right, let's... um, I need you to explain everything.
- Buffy: [in Faith's body] And I will after we get Faith.
- [Faith, in Buffy's body, enters the church where three vampires are holding the parishioners hostage.]
- Boone: I told the cops, they send anyone in, I start the whole massacre thing.
- Faith: [in Buffy's body] Well, I'm not the cops. I just came to pray.
- Boone: Now's a good time to start.
- Faith: [in Buffy's body] You're not going to kill these people.
- Boone: Why not?
- Faith: [in Buffy's body] [earnestly this time] Because it's wrong.
- Boone: You're the Slayer.
- Faith: [in Buffy's body] The one and only.
- Buffy: She's gone. Not a trace. Giles said the Council guys have cleared out, too.
- Riley: I don't understand. How could she have... I mean, how's it possible?
- Buffy: Magic.
- Riley: I knew there was something. I should've picked up on it. I mean, I should have just...
- Buffy: You slept with her.
- Riley: I slept with you. Man, would I like to get my hands on her. Not in a sex way.
- Buffy: I don't think she's coming back.
- Riley: Guess she's had her fun.
- Buffy: Yeah. Fun.
- Buffy: But someone could wish the whole world to be different, right? That's... possible?
- Anya: Sure. Alternate realities. You could, uh, could have, like, a world without shrimp, or with, you know, nothing but shrimp. You could even make, like, a freaky world where Jonathan's like some kind of not-perfect mouth-breather, if that's what's blowing up your skirt these days. Just don't ask me to live there.
- Buffy: I'm not entirely sure that we can trust our memories. Anya, tell them about the alternate universes.
- Anya: Oh, okay. Say you really like shrimp a lot or we could say you don't like shrimp at all. "Blah, I wish there weren't any shrimp" you'd say to yourself-
- Buffy: Stop! You're saying it wrong. I think that Jonathan may be doing something so that he's manipulating the world and we're all, like, his pawns.
- Anya: Or prawns.
- Buffy: Stop with the shrimp! I'm trying to do something here.
- Buffy: Giles, do you have a Jonathan swimsuit calendar?
- Giles: No... Yes... it was a gift.
- Spike: I wasn't exactly pining for a noisy visit from Wonder Jonathan and his fluffy battle kitten.
- [At Giles' place. Riley pages through a spellbook.]
- Riley: These spells, they really work? I mean, can you really turn your enemies inside out? Or... learn to excrete gold coins.
- Anya: That one's not so much fun.
- Willow: They work, Riley, but they take concentration. Being attuned with the forces of the universe.
- Xander: Right, you can't just go librum incendere and expect --
- [The book catches on fire; Xander closes it rapidly.]
- Giles: Xander, don't speak Latin in front of the books.
- [When Buffy and Riley are attacked by a vampire-demon tag-team.]
- Buffy: Okay, you get Fangs, I'll get Horny. I mean...
- Xander: Buffy and Riley are trapped.
- Anya: So? She's a Slayer, he's a big soldier boy. What do they need you for?
- Xander: Anya, look around: there's ghosts and shaking and people are going all Felicity with their hair. We're fresh out of super-people and somebody's gotta go back in there. Now, who's with me?
- Spike: I am. I know I'm not the first choice for heroics, and Buffy's tried to kill me more than once, and I don't fancy a single one of you at all, but... Actually, all that sounds pretty convincing. [walks off.] I wonder if Asian House is open.
- [Giles is singing and playing "Behind Blue Eyes" by The Who at an espresso bar. Anya, Willow, Xander and Tara watch from the door, amazed. All three girls are riveted; Willow's and Anya's mouths are hanging open.]
- Anya: Oh.
- Willow: Wow.
- Xander: Um, could we go back to the haunted house? Cause, this is creeping me out.
- Tara: Does he do this a lot?
- Xander: [sarcastic.] Sure. Every day the earth rotates backward and the skies turn orange.
- Willow: Now I remember why I used to have such a crush on him.
- Tara: Well, he is pretty good.
- Anya: His voice is... pleasant.
- Xander: [incredulous.] What?!
- Willow: Oh, come on, he is kinda sexy.
- Xander: I'm fighting total mental breakdown here, Will. No more fueling the fire, please.
- Giles: I believe we're dealing with a kind of poltergeist. A whole cluster of them, in fact, born out of intense adolescent emotion and sexual energy.
- Anya: Both of which were totally pent up during Mrs. Holt's reign of repression.
- Xander: So with Buffy and Riley having... you know, acts of nakedness 'round the clock lately, maybe they set something free. Like a big, bursting poltergasm.
- Giles: When you called to Buffy and Riley didn't cry out or respond in any way.
- Anya: No, they're probably dead.
- Xander: Unless they're too busy doing it to answer.
- Giles: Doing what?
- Xander: You know, for a god of acoustic rock you're... kind of naive.
- Giles: I didn't think you meant... In the midst of all that? Do you really think they were keeping it up?
- [long awkward pause]
- Giles: Oh, for different phrasing.
- Buffy: Zippo. Patrol has been totally uneventful. My kill count's way down.
- Willow: [to Tara] She means that there's been less bad guy activity.
- Giles: And we know what that often indicates.
- Xander: Buffy doesn't make her quota. Bad Slayer!
- Buffy: Oz isn't dangerous. Something happened to him that wasn't his fault. I never knew you were such a bigot!
- Riley: I'm not. I'm just saying it's a little strange to date someone who tries to eat you once a month!
- Willow: [Speaking of Oz's return] It's complicated...because of Tara.
- Buffy: You mean Tara has a crush on Oz? No... [suddenly realizes Willow is in love with Tara] Oh! Oh... Well, there you go! I mean, you know, you have to... follow your heart, Will. And that's what's important, Will.
- Willow: Why do you keep saying my name like that?
- Buffy: Like what, Will?
- Willow: Are you freaked?
- Buffy: [overly insistent] What? No, Will! [pauses, then gathers her emotions] No. No, absolutely no to that question. I'm glad you told me.
- Willow: I don't want to hurt anyone, Buffy.
- Buffy: No matter what, somebody's going to get hurt. And the important thing is, you just have to be honest or it's going to be a lot worse.
- Spike: The thing about the Slayer is she is a whiny little thing, but when it comes to fighting she does have a slight tendency to win.
- Buffy: I hope everybody else is okay. It was better to split up, right? I mean, we're just too findable in a big clump.
- Riley: It was better. Besides, I think it's mostly me the Initiative wants now. [sighs]
- Buffy: Probably. So what should we do?
- Riley: Oh, we'll be safe for tonight at least. The campus is still blacked out, so... that ought to slow the Initiative down. I'll figure out my next move tomorrow.
- Buffy: Quite a day, huh? You woke up to a big bowl of Wheaties. Now you're a fugitive.
- Riley: I don't know. I'm sorry it ended that way, but I am glad it's done. I'm glad I know where I stand. Finally. I was wrong about Oz. I was wrong a bigot.
- Buffy: No, you weren't. You were thrown. You found out that Willow was in... kind of an unconventional relationship, and it gave you a momentary wiggins. It happens.
- Riley: Still... I was in a totally black and white space, people versus monsters, and it ain't like that. Especially when it comes to love.
- Buffy: I have to tell you some stuff. About my past. And it's not all stuff that you're gonna like.
- Riley: You can tell me anything.
- Buffy: I think so. I think I can.
- Willow: This thing looks pretty good, considering you drove it overseas.
- Oz: Well, it broke down outside of Mexico, and I traded my bass to have it fixed and garaged. I shouldn't have come back now. I just thought I'd changed.
- Willow: You have changed. You stopped the wolf from coming out. I saw it.
- Oz: But I couldn't look at you. I mean, it turns out... the one thing that brings it out of me is you. Which falls under the heading of ironic in my book.
- Willow: It was my fault. I upset you.
- Oz: Well, so we're safe then, 'cause you'll never do that again. But you're happy?
- Willow: I am. I can't explain it.
- Oz: It may be safer for both of us if you don't.
- Willow: I missed you, Oz. I wrote you so many letters. But I didn't have any place to send them, you know? I couldn't live like that.
- Oz: It was stupid to think that you'd just be... waiting.
- Willow: I was waiting. I feel like some part of me will always be waiting for you. Like, if I'm old and blue-haired and I turn the corner in Istanbul, and there you are, I won't be surprised. Because... you're with me, you know?
- Oz: I know. But now is not that time, I guess.
- Willow: No. What are you gonna do?
- Oz: I think I better take off.
- Willow: When?
- Oz: Pretty much now.
- Willow: No candles? Well, I brought one. It's extra flamey. [beat] Tara, I have to tell you...
- Tara: No, I... I understand. You have to be with the person you l-love. [beat]
- Willow: [looks a bit hurt, then smiles] I am.
- Tara: You mean...
- Willow: I mean. [pause] Okay?
- Tara: Oh, yes.
- Willow: I feel horrible about everything I put you through, a-and I'm gonna make it up to you. [smiles] Starting right now.
- Tara: [smiles] Right now?
- [Willow nods and smiles]
- [Tara blows the candle out]
- Adam: Two Slayers?
- Spike: That's right.
- Adam: And you killed them both?
- Spike: Yeah. I killed the hell out of 'em.
- Adam: Yet you fear this one?
- Spike: Hey, watch it, mate! I don't fear anything. I just know my enemies.
- Adam: Do you? Then why haven't you killed this Slayer yet?
- Spike: Because...! Stinking rotten luck is why. On top of that, now I got this buggering chip up my head.
- Adam: Yes. Your behavior modification circuitry. I know what you feel.
- Spike: [scoffing] Not likely.
- Adam: You feel smothered. Trapped like an animal. Pure in its ferocity, unable to actualize the urges within. Clinging to one truth, like a flame struggling to burn within an enclosed glass: that a beast this powerful cannot be contained. Inevitably, it will break free and savage the land again. I will make you whole again, make you savage.
- Spike: [is speechless with awe for a moment] Wow... I mean, yeah. I get why the demons all fall in line with you. You're like Tony Robbins! If he was a big scary, Frankenstein-looking... You're exactly like Tony Robbins.
- Buffy: Angel.
- Angel: Hi. Can I come in?
- Buffy: I guess.
- Angel: Um, I need a little more than that.
- Buffy: Oh. Um... come in. You're hurt.
- Angel: You, too.
- Buffy: I'll live. You want to tell me who ran your face into that doorknob?
- Angel: Not really. It's not world-in-peril stuff.
- Buffy: Let me guess. You thought of something else really hurtful to say, and, well, you couldn't tell me on the phone because the funniest part is that look on my face--
- Angel: Buffy, please. I really don't have a lot of time.
- Buffy: What's going on?
- Riley: I told you, you weren't coming near her.
- Buffy: You've got to be kidding me. This is why you came?
- Angel: No. This was an accident.
- Buffy: Running your car into a tree is an accident! Running your fist into somebody's face is a plan. Please explain this to me.
- Angel: Put that gun down.
- Riley: It's pretty much all I got left, so I'm thinking not. He attacked four of my men, Buffy. I think he's up to his old tricks.
- Buffy: He won't hurt anybody, tell him.
- Angel: Might hurt you.
- Riley: Oh, please try.
- Angel: Huh. Some threat. You can barely stand.
- Riley: My trigger finger feels okay.
- Angel: You actually sleep with this guy?
- Buffy: Okay, stop it! Okay, that is enough. I see one more display of testosterone poisoning, and I will personally put you both in the hospital. Anybody think I'm exaggerating?
- Angel: He start--
- Buffy: Riley.
- Riley: I'm sorry. Just want to know that you were safe.
- Buffy: I need to talk to Angel for a minute.
- Riley: What?
- Buffy: Riley, please.
- Riley: I'm not leaving this room. I mean it. Not moving a muscle.
- Buffy: Okay, I come to see you, to help you, and you treat me like I'm just... your ex.
- Angel: Well, technically--
- Buffy: Shut up! And then you order me out of your city, and then you come here and start pounding on my boyfriend? I would really like to know, what the hell are you trying to do?
- Angel: I was trying to make things better.
- Buffy: [laughs]
- Angel: [chuckles] Well... [laughs] Aw, well. Huh. It's, uh, going pretty good, don't you think?
- Buffy: Swell.
- Angel: You know... [chuckles] I couldn't leave it like that. The way I spoke to you... I came to apologize. I... I had no right.
- Buffy: And Riley?
- Angel: I got jumped by some soldiers. He came in in the middle. And he wasn't real forthcoming with the benefit of the doubt.
- Buffy: Put yourself in his place.
- Angel: I get it.
- Buffy: Look, you weren't entirely wrong, what you said in L.A. We don't live in each other's worlds anymore. I had no right to barge in on yours and make judgments.
- Angel: I'm still sorry.
- Buffy: Thank you.
- Angel: And next time, I'll apologize by phone.
- Buffy: [laughs]
- Angel: Uh, things are pretty tense around here.
- Buffy: They really are.
- Angel: Can I do anything?
- Buffy: Honestly, I think the best thing you can do right now is--
- Angel: Okay.
- Buffy: It means a lot that you came.
- Angel: Oh, and, Riley?
- Buffy: Yeah?
- Angel: I don't like him.
- Buffy: Thank you.
- [amidst an argument between Buffy, Xander, and Willow]
- Buffy: Sorry, you guys. We're on a clock here. Okay, Adam was at that cave, so maybe he was there for a reason. I-I could, I could go back, scope it out, track him if I have to.
- Willow: Right, and then maybe you'll get lucky and he'll still be there, and he can rip your arms off for you. Buffy you can't go back alone.
- Giles: You never train with me anymore. He's going to kick your ass.
- Buffy: Giles.
- Giles: Sorry. Was that a bit honest? Terribly sorry.
- Xander: So she doesn't go alone. Giles, weapons all around.
- Buffy: You're not going, Xander. You'd get hurt.
- Xander: Oh. Okay, you and Willow go do the superpower thing. I'll stay behind and putt around the Batcave with crusty old Alfred here.
- Giles: Ah, no, I am no Alfred, sir. No, you forget. Alfred had a job.
- Buffy: Willow is not going, either. I'm doing it alone.
- Willow: Oh, great. And then, when you have your new no arms, we can all say, "Gee, it's a good thing we weren't there getting in the way of that."
- Xander: Right. Maybe we can help in other ways. Want some fightin' pants, Buff? I can get you some new fightin' pants.
- Buffy: You guys, this isn't helping.
- Willow: Oh, wow, we're already getting in the way. We're pretty good at this, Xander, huh?
- Xander: Right, I'm so good at it, you might have to ship me off to the army to get me out of the way.
- Buffy: The army?
- Xander: You didn't know I knew about that, did you? You two, talking about me behind my back.
- Buffy: Us talking about you? How about you telling Riley every last detail of my life with Angel?
- Willow: Well, besides, when is there any "us two"? You two are the two who are the two. I'm the other one.
- Xander: Uh-huh, but maybe that all changes when I'm off doing sit-ups over at Fort Dix.
- Giles: Fort Dix? [begins to giggle hysterically]
- Buffy: Are you drunk?
- Giles: [finishes laughing] Yes. Quite a bit, actually.
- Buffy: Well, stop it. This is stupid.
- Xander: Stupid. So you finally had the guts to say it to my face.
- Buffy: I didn't say you were stupid. So stop being an idiot and let me fix this. Okay, I need you. I need both of you, all the time, just... not now. Adam is very dangerous.
- Willow: Wait. How do you need me, really?
- Buffy: You're good with the computer stuff. Usually. And-and there's the witch stuff.
- Willow: Witch stuff? What exactly do you mean by "witch stuff"?
- Buffy: You guys, what is happening? This is crazy.
- Giles: Oh, no, it's not. It's all finally making perfect sense, and I'm not gonna miss a moment of it.
- Xander: And if I did join the army, I'd be great. You know why? Because they might give me a job that couldn't be done by any well-trained Border Collie.
- Giles: That's it. I'm going to bed.
- Willow: No, you'd do wonderful in the army. Hey, do you think the umbilibal cord between you and Anya could stretch that far?
- Xander: I knew it. I knew you hated her!
- Willow: Look, I'm not the one being judgmental here. I'll leave that territory to you and Buffy.
- Buffy: Judgmental? If I was any more open-minded about the choices you two make, my whole brain would fall out.
- Xander: Oh, and superior. Don't forget that. Just because you're better than us doesn't mean you can be all superior.
- Buffy: You guys, stop this. What happened to you today?
- Willow: It's not today. Buffy, things have been wrong for a while, don't you see that?
- Buffy: [perturbed] Well, what do you mean, wrong?
- Willow: Well, they certainly haven't been right since Tara. We have to face it, you can't handle Tara being my girlfriend.
- Xander: No! It was back before that! Since you two went off to college and forgot about me. Just left me in the basement to-- Tara's your girlfriend?
- Giles: [from upstairs, still drunk] Bloody hell.
- Buffy: Enough! All I know is you want to help, right? Be part of the team?
- Willow: I don't know anymore.
- Xander: Clearly not wanted.
- Buffy: No! No, you said you wanted to go. So let's go, all of us. We'll walk into that cave with you two attacking me and the funny drunk drooling on my shoe. Hey! Hey, maybe that's the secret way to killing Adam!
- Xander: Buffy.
- Buffy: Is that it? Is that how you can help? You're not answering me! How can you possibly help? So... I guess I'm starting to understand why there's no ancient prophecy about a Chosen One and her friends. If I need help, I'll go to someone I can count on.
- Spike: [On getting Buffy to go where Adam wants her to] Right. The Initiative. But getting her there, that's what the bleeding discs are for, innit? I mean, the little witch gives her the info, and pop! All sends her back down the rabbit hole.
- Adam: The witch?
- Spike: Ah, Willow. So high, perky, good with maths. Natural choice.
- Adam: Her friend.
- Spike: Right.
- Adam: One of the friends from which you so efficiently separated her.
- Spike: Damn right I did! You should have seen 'em, they won't be talking to each other for a long, long- [pointed stare from Adam] -hang on, I think I might have detected a small flaw.
- Adam: So you failed.
- Spike: Well, hey, you're supposed to be so smart, but you let me plan this thing! [Adam glares] Well, let's not quibble about who failed who, the important thing is making sure the Slayer is where we want-
- Adam: Go.
- Spike: Gone. [Walks to the door] So, um, we'll do this chip thing when I get back?
- Col. McNamara: We hit him with continuous taser blasts.
- Xander: Great plan. That's right up there with duck and cover.
- Buffy: Where's Anya?
- Xander: Oddly, Anya decided not to join us, despite all the fun we had at our last meeting.
- Willow: And I don't think Tara felt welcome.
- Buffy: Why? Because of the things that we said? Will, who told you that we were talking behind your back, specifically?
- Willow: Well, I... Spike, specifically, but...
- Buffy: And who told you that we thought you'd be better off joining the army?
- Xander: That's not... exactly what he said.
- Giles: Well, um, S-Spike can be very convincing when-when, uh, I'm very stupid.
- Buffy: He played us. He wanted us to fight to split us up. That's where it came from, the stuff we said the other night.
- Giles: Of course. Well, piffle. Let's-let's move on.
- Xander: I'm movin'.
- Willow: Me, too.
- Buffy: Good. Great.
- Willow: So why do you think Spike made with the head games?
- Xander: He's all dressed up with no one to bite. He's got to get his ya-yas somehow.
- Buffy: I think it was more than that. I think it was Adam.
- Xander: Spike's working for Adam?! After all we've done... Nah, I can't even act surprised.
- Buffy: I just went to Adam's lair, and he was gone, but Spike just happened to be there. And he made this big noise about getting the information off those encrypted disks.
- Willow: Oh, I decrypted 'em. Well, they decrypted themselves, but I almost had it.
- Giles: What did they say?
- Willow: Bunch of stuff we already knew about 314. But it also said there's some final phase where Adam manufactures a bunch of creepy cyber-demonoids like him. There's a special lab in the Initiative, but it didn't say where.
- Buffy: Adam fed Spike those disks. It has to be. He wanted me to know about his evil-guy assembly line. This lab, it's in the Initiative?
- Willow: Hidden somewhere.
- Buffy: Well, give the demon his due. He thought this one out.
- Willow: What do you mean?
- Buffy: You know how overcrowded the containment cells have been at the Initiative? Those demons were just too easy to catch. It's like they wanted in that place.
- Giles: The Trojan horse.
- Buffy: Adam's gonna make sure the demons attack the Initiative from the inside.
- Xander: Demons versus soldiers. Massacre, massacre.
- Willow: And Adam has a neat pile of body parts to start assembling his army. Diabolical yet... gross.
- Xander: Does anybody else miss the Mayor, "I just want to be a big snake?"
- Buffy: I've got to shut him down, Giles. His final phase is about to start.
- Giles: We need to warn the Initiative.
- Buffy: They're not gonna listen to me.
- Willow: Riley?
- Buffy: He's a deserter. He got some bad news, anyway, and kind of took off.
- Xander: Okay, I'm confused again. Adam has the evil plan. Why is he so anxious for you to know about it?
- Buffy: He wants me there. Probably figures I'll even the kill ratio.
- Xander: He's not worried you might kill, oh, say, him?
- Buffy: No. He's really not.
- Giles: There's certainly no lack of supplies. Only wish I knew which ones would kill Adam.
- Buffy: According to Riley, his power sourse is a uranium core embedded somewhere inside his chest, probably near the spine?
- Xander: Great. So we just ask him to lie down quietly while we do some exploratory surgery.
- Willow: What about magic? some kind of, I don't know, uranium-extracting spell? I know, I'm reaching.
- Giles: Perhaps a paralyzing spell. Only I can't perform the incantation of this.
- Willow: Right. Don't you have to speak it in Sumerian or something?
- Giles: I do speak Sumerian. It's not that. Only a-an experienced witch can incant it, and you'd have to be within striking distance of the subject.
- Xander: See what you get for taking French instead of Sumerian?
- Buffy: What was I thinking?
- Xander: So, no problem. All we need is Combo-Buffy, her with Slayer strength, Giles' multi-lingual know-how, and Willow's witchy power. Yeah, don't tell me, I'm just full of helpful suggestions.
- Giles: As a matter of fact, you are.
- Ward: [about the Initiative] It was an experiment. The Initiative represented the government's interest in not only controlling the otherworldly menace, but in harnessing its power for our own military purposes. The considered opinion of this council is that the experiment has failed. Once the prototype took control of the complex, our soldiers suffered a 40% casualty rate. And it seems that it was only through the actions of a deserter and a group of civilian insurrectionists that our losses were not total. I trust the irony of that is not lost on any of us. Maggie Walsh's vision was brilliant, but ultimately insupportable. The demons cannot be harnessed, cannot be controlled. It is therefore our recommendation that this project be terminated and all records concerning it expunged. Our soldiers will be debriefed. Standard confidentiality clause. We will monitor the civilians, and usual measures prepared should they try to go public. I don't think they will. The Initiative itself will be filled in with concrete. Burn it down, gentlemen. Burn it down and salt the earth.
- Buffy: Are you sure you'll be alright? 'Cause I can be there in the morning.
- Riley: It's just a debriefing. They're not gonna make me disappear and they're not pinning anything on me. I got Graham and a lot of the guys testifying I'm the reason they're alive. I might actually got out of this with an honorable discharge.
- Giles: In return for your silence, no doubt.
- Riley: Oh, yeah. Having the inside scoop on the administration's own Bay of Mutated Pigs is definitely an advantage.
- Willow: It's like you're blackmailing the government. In a... patriotic way.
- Riley: I'll call you when it's over.
- Xander: Dinner is served. And my very own recipe.
- Willow: Ooh. You pushed the button on the microwave that says popcorn?
- Xander: Actually, I pushed defrost, but, um, Joyce was there in the clinch.
- Riley: Well, you guys have fun tonight. It was very nice meeting you.
- Joyce: It was nice meeting you. Finally.
- Riley: Bye.
- Buffy: Bye.
- Joyce: Did you notice how pointedly I said finally?
- Buffy: No.
- Xander: Sometimes I think about two women doing a spell, and...then I do a spell by myself.
- Buffy: But what else could I expect from a bunch of low-rent, no-account hoodlums like you? Hoodlums, yes, I mean you and your friends, your whole sex. Throw 'em in the sea for all I care. Throw 'em in and wait for the bubbles. Men, with your groping and spitting. All groin, no brain. Three billion of ya' passin' around the same worn out urge. Men... with your sales.
- Tara: [speaking for The First Slayer] I have no speech, no name. I live in the action of death. The blood cry, the penetrating wound. I am destruction, absolute, alone.
- Willow: The First Slayer. Wow.
- Xander: And not big with the socialization.
- Willow: Or the floss.
- Giles: Somehow our joining with Buffy and invoking the essence of the... the Slayer's power was an affront to the source of that power.
- Buffy: You know, you could have brought that up to us before we did it.
- Giles: I did, I said there could be dire consequences.
- Buffy: Yes, but you say that about chewing too fast.
- Joyce: I'm, uh, guessing I missed some fun.
- Willow: The spirit of the First Slayer tried to kill us in our dreams.
- Joyce: Oh, you want some hot chocolate?
- Willow: Yeah.
- Xander: Yeah, please.
- Joyce: Uh, Xander?
- Xander: Yes, what, Joyce... uh, Buffy's mom.
- Joyce: Be my kitchen buddy again, help me carry?
- Xander: Yes, sure, Buffy's mom.
- Giles: Are you alright?
- Buffy: Yeah. I think I might jump in the shower.
- Giles: You seem a bit...
- Buffy: A little. The First Slayer. I never really thought about it. It was intense. I guess you guys got a taste of that, huh?
- Xander: Yeah, from now on you keep your Slayer friends out of my dreams, is that clear?
- Willow: She's not good for the sleeping.
- Buffy: Uh... Well, at least you all didn't dream about that guy with the cheese. Don't know where the hell that came from.
- Tara: [speaking for Buffy] You think you know, what's to come, what you are. You haven't even begun.
Season 5
[edit]
- Buffy: So let me get this straight. You're... Dracula. The guy. The Count.
- Dracula: I am.
- Buffy: And you're sure this isn't just some fanboy thing? Because... I've fought more than a couple of pimply overweight vamps that called themselves Lestat.
- Dracula: You know who I am. As I would know without question that you are Buffy Summers.
- Buffy: You've heard of me?
- Dracula: Naturally. You're known throughout the world.
- Buffy: Naw. Really?
- Dracula: Why else would I come here? For the sun? I came to meet the renowned... killer.
- Buffy: Yeah, I prefer the term Slayer. You know, killer just sounds so...
- Dracula: Naked?
- Buffy: Like I... paint clowns or something. I'm the good guy, remember?
- Dracula: Perhaps, but your power is rooted in darkness. You must feel it.
- Buffy: No. You know what I feel? Bored.
- [She attempts to stake Dracula, but he repeatedly dissipates into mist to avoid her]
- Buffy: Okay. That's cheating.
- Riley: What can you tell me about Dracula?
- Spike: Dracula? [scoffs] Poncy bugger owes me £11, for one thing.
- Riley: You know him?
- Spike: Know him? We're old rivals. But then he got famous, forgot all about his foes. I'll tell you what - that glory hound's done more harm to vampires than any Slayer. His story gets out, and suddenly everybody knows how to kill us, the mirror bit...!
- Riley: But he's not just a regular vampire. He has special powers, right?
- Spike: Nothing but showy Gypsy stuff. What's it to you, anyway?
- Riley: He's in town, making his presence known.
- Spike: [more intrigued] Drac's in Sunnydale? Guess the old boy needed closure after all.
- Xander: Where is he?! Where's the creep that turned me into his spider-eating man-bitch?
- Buffy: He's gone.
- Xander: Dammit! You know what? I'm sick of this crap! I'm sick of being the guy who eats insects and gets the funny syphilis. As of this moment, it's over. I'm finished being everybody's butt-monkey!
- Buffy: Check. No more butt-monkey.
- [as the mist coalesces into Dracula, Buffy re-stakes him.]
- Buffy: You think I don't watch your movies? You always come back.
- [Dracula turns to dust again, but the mist begins to reform on the ground]
- Buffy: I'm standing right here!
- [The mist dissipates completely this time]
- Buffy: I'm out of here. Riley and I are going to the movies.
- Joyce: Okay. Have a good time.
- [Buffy finds her sister named Dawn in her room]
- Buffy: What are you doing here?
- Joyce: Buffy? If you're going out, why don't you take your sister?
- Buffy and Dawn: [together] Mom!
- [Dawn is writing in her diary.]
- Dawn: [voice over] Nobody knows who I am. Not the real me. It's like nobody cares enough to find out. I mean, does anyone ever ask me what I want to do with my life, or what my opinion is on stuff, or what restaurant to order in from? No. Underline, Exclamation point. Exclamation point, exclamation point. No one understands. No one has an older sister who's a Slayer. People wouldn't be so crazy about her if they had to live in the same house with her every single day. Everybody cares what she thinks, just 'cause she can do backflips and stuff. Like that's such a crucial job skill in the real world. Plus, Mom lets her get away with everything. "Your sister's saving the world." I could so save the world if somebody handed me superpowers, but I'd think of a cool name and wear a mask to protect my loved ones, which Buffy doesn't even. If this town wasn't so lame, everyone would completely know what she does. And then I bet they wouldn't even be that impressed, because, like, killing things with wood? Oh. Scary vampires. They die from a splinter.
- Buffy: So Giles and I worked out a whole schedule around school, a block of time every day just to focus on my new Slayer training.
- Willow: That's a work ethic! Buffy, you're developing a work ethic!
- Buffy: Oh no, do they make an ointment for that?
- Willow: People gotta respect a solid work ethic.
- ...
- Buffy: So... I won't be taking drama with you.
- Willow: What? You have to, you promised!
- Buffy: Well, I know, but Giles says that it just -
- Willow: The hell with Giles!
- Giles: I can hear you, Willow.
- Willow: Drama is just Tuesday and Thursday afternoons, you can blow off training Tuesday and Thursday afternoons, can't you?
- Buffy: What happened to you people gotta respect a work ethic?
- Willow: Other people, not me! There's a whole best-friend loophole!
- [Xander and Anya are playing Life with Dawn.]
- Anya: Crap! Look at this. I'm burdened with a husband, and several tiny pink children, and more cash than I can reasonably manage…
- Xander: That means you're winning.
- Anya: Really?
- Xander: Yes. Cash equals good.
- Anya: Oh! [claps] I'm so pleased! Can I trade in the children for more cash?
- [Buffy, having killed Harmony's vampire minions, grabs an ax to cut Dawn free from her chains.]
- Buffy: You are going to be in so much trouble when we get home! [swings ax]
- Dawn: Yeah, well, I'm telling Mom you slayed in front of me.
- Buffy: Fine. I'll just tell her that you ran out of the house in the middle of the night, [swings ax] that you got Anya hurt, [swings ax] invited a vampire in, [swings ax] got kidnapped.
- Dawn: [voice over] Buffy probably would have gotten in way more trouble than me, anyway. But I guess it was pretty okay of her not to say anything to Mom. Anya's gonna be okay, and Xander wasn't mad at me, so stuff mostly worked out.
- [Giles and Buffy tour the magic shop Giles is about to buy]
- Buffy: Giles, are you sure about this?
- Giles: Why wouldn't I be?
- Buffy: Well, aside from the fact that most magic shop owners in Sunnydale have the life expectancy of a Spinal Tap drummer, and have you ever run a store before?
- Giles: I was a librarian for years. This is exactly the same, except people pay for the things they never return. It'll give me focus, help increase my resources, and it'll prevent you lot from trampling all over my flat at all hours. There may even be some space for you to train in the back.
- Buffy: Boy, you've really thought this through. How bored were you last year?
- Giles: I watched Passions with Spike. Let us never speak of it.
- [Buffy breaks out laughing as she follows Giles into a back room]
- Buffy: Don't break anything. Just don't touch anything.
- Dawn: [voice over] Not that Buffy's really changed at all. Like she ever would.
- Buffy: What you're doing right now, not moving? Good. Keep doing that.
- Dawn: [voice over] She still thinks I'm a little miss nobody, just her dumb little sister. Boy, is she in for a surprise.
- [Xander is leaving a message on the phone.]
- Xander: Anya, you there? Look, I know you're still mad, but I figure you're probably sitting there pretending you're not home but listening anyway.
- [cut to Anya, who is doing just that.]
- Anya: Am not.
- Willow: You have to help me figure this out, you know.
- Xander: But I never help. I get in trouble and Buffy saves me.
- Willow: That's not true, sometimes we all help to save you... And-and sometimes you're not in trouble.
- ...
- Xander: Hey, wait 'til you have an evil twin, see how you handle it.
- Willow: I handled it fine.
- Buffy: Well, if this guy wants to fight with weapons, I've got it covered from A to Z — from 'axe' to... 'zee other axe'.
- Anya: Well maybe we shouldn't do this re-integration thing right away. See, I can take the boys home and we can all have sex together, and then, you know, just slap 'em back together in the morning.
- Cool Xander: She's joking.
- Loser Xander: No she's not! She entirely wants to have sex with us together, which is wrong and... and it would be very confusing.
- Giles: We just need to arrange the candles; also, we should continue to pretend we heard none of the disturbing sex talk.
- Willow: Check. Candles and pretense.
- ...
- Anya: Well, what do we do if it doesn't work?
- Both Xanders: [simultaneously] Kill us both, Spock! [both laugh]
- Buffy: They're... kinda the same now.
- Giles: Yes, he's clearly a bad influence on himself.
- [Xander is moving out of the basement.]
- Xander: I just thought you could help carry a little.
- Anya: Me? [pouts] Buffy has super-strength. Why don't we just load her up, like one of those little horses?
- Xander: Anya. Please.
- Anya: Fine. I'm just your slave.
- Buffy: Spike, I just saw you taste your own nose blood. You know what? I'm too grossed out to hear anything you have to say. Go home.
- Spike: It's blood. It's what I do!
- Spike: I will know your blood, Slayer. I will make your neck my chalice... and drink deep. [turns around and falls into an open grave] Ow!
- Buffy: I so don't want to deal with Spike right now. The guy is really starting to bug me in that special "I want to shove something wooden through his heart" kind of way.
- Spike: Buffy, Buffy, Buffy! Everywhere I turn she's there! That nasty little face, that bouncing shampoo-commercial hair, that whole sodding holier-than-thou attitude.
- Harmony: Well, aren't we unholy by definition?
- Spike: She follows me, you know, tracks me down. I'm her pet project. Drive Spike around the bend. Makes every day a fresh bout o' torture! [Spike throws a lapid and break it]
- Harmony: Spike?!
- Doctor: [To Harmony] You can't smoke in here
- Harmony: [Holding a Crossbow] Oh yeah, says who? [Doctor points to a "No Smoking" sign] Oh my gosh, I'm so sorry. I didn't see the sign.
- Big Vampire: I've always wanted to kill the Slayer.
- Buffy: And I've always wanted piano lessons. So really... who's surprised we've got this unexpressed rage? But honestly, I think I express mine better. Tell you what... you find yourself a good anger management class, and I'll jam this pokey wood stick through your heart.
- Buffy: [pulls a glowing orb out of her bag] What the hell is it?
- Giles: It appears to be paranormal in origin.
- Willow: How can you tell?
- Giles: Well, it's so shiny.
- Anya: [to a customer who just finished her purchase] Please go.
- Xander: Anya, the Shopkeepers Union of America called. They wanted me to tell you that "Please go" just got replaced with "Have a nice day."
- Anya: But I have their money. Who cares what kind of day they have?
- Xander: No one. It's just a long cultural tradition of raging insincerity. Embrace it.
- Buffy: What are you doing here? [Spike begins to answer] Five words or less.
- Spike: [Pauses, then, counting on his fingers] Out... for... a... walk... bitch.
- Buffy: Out for a walk by my house at night. I don't have time for this, William.
- Spike: On your merry way, then. Contrary to one's self involved world view, your house happens to be directly between... parts and... other parts of this town. And I would pass by in the day but I feel I'm outgrowing my burst into flames phase.
- Buffy: Fine. Keep going. I'll cut you a break.
- Spike: Let me guess. You won't kill me. The whole crowd pleasing threats and swagger routine. Outstandingly original. You know, I was just passing through. Satisfied? I hope so because God knows you need some satisfaction in your life besides shagging Captain Cardboard. And... and I never really liked you anyway. And... and you have stupid hair.
- Glory: And another thing I just want you to know, this whole "beat you to death" thing I'm doing? This is valuable time out of life I'm never gonna get back.
- ...
- Glory: Wait, I've always wanted to try this. You know that thing with worms, where if you have one and you rip it in half, you get two worms. Do you think that'll work with you? [Buffy headbutts her] Ow! You hit me. What are you crazy? You can't go around hitting people. What were you, born in a barn? Fine, be that way! [grabs Buffy by the throat] I just noticed something, you have superpowers, that is so cool. Can you fly? [throws Buffy across the room]
- Buffy: Well, this earns you a big favor. There could be outfits.
- Tara: You learn her source [grins] and, uh, we'll introduce her to her insect reflection.
- [Everyone stares in confusion. Tara stops smiling.]
- Tara: Um, that-that was funny if you, um, studied Taglarin mythic rites… [quietly] and are a complete dork.
- Riley: Oh, then how come Xander didn't laugh?
- Xander: I don't know that Taglarin stuff.
- Giles: You're in a magic shop, and you can't think what Tara would like. I believe you're both profoundly stupid.
- Xander: Well, we don't really know what kind of things witches like. What, are we gonna get her some cheesy crystal ball?
- Giles: You bloody well better not. I've got mine already wrapped.
- Buffy: You want her, Mr. Maclay? You can go ahead and take her. You just gotta go through me.
- Mr. Maclay: What?
- Buffy: You heard me! You wanna take Tara out of here against her will? You gotta come through me.
- Dawn: And me!
- Mr. Maclay: Is this a joke? I'm not gonna be threatened by two little girls!
- Dawn: You don't wanna mess with us.
- Buffy: She's a hair-puller.
- Giles: And you're not just dealing with two little girls.
- Xander: You're dealing with all of us.
- Spike: Except me.
- Xander: Except Spike.
- Spike: I don't care what happens.
- Mr. Maclay: This is insane. You people have no right to interfere with Tara's affairs. We are her blood kin! Who the hell are you?
- Buffy: We're family.
- Xander: [re: Riley’s commando hand movements] What's with the hand move? D’you see that? Does that, like, mean somethin’?
- Willow: It's code. I think it breaks down to "choo-choo." [mimics pulling a train whistle]
- Anya: It probably means to follow him. That, or wait here for him.
- Xander: Hey Riley! What's the [Mimics gesture] all about?
- Riley: It means yell real loud, so the vampires who don't know we're coming will have a sporting chance.
- Buffy: Look, I realize that every Slayer comes with an expiration mark on the package. But I want mine to be a long time from now. Like a Cheeto. If there were just a few good descriptions of what took out the other Slayers, maybe it would help me to understand my mistake, to keep it from happening again.
- Giles [uncomfortable with the topic]: Yes, well, the problem is after a final battle, it's difficult to get any... well, the Slayer's not... she's rather...
- Buffy: It's OK to use the D-word, Giles.
- Giles: Dead. And hence, not very forthcoming.
- Buffy: Why didn't the Watchers keep fuller accounts of it? The journals just stop.
- Giles: Well, I suppose if they're anything like me they just find the whole subject too—
- Buffy: Unseemly? Damn, love ya, but you Watchers are such prigs sometimes.
- Giles: Painful, I was going to say. [Giles and Buffy are very quiet for a moment] But you're right; accounts of the final battles would be very helpful. But there's no one left to tell the tales.
- [Buffy has a sudden revelation]
- Giles: What?
- Spike: Lesson the first: a Slayer must always reach for her weapon. [morphs into vampire face] I've already got mine.
- Spike: How many of my kind do you think you've done?
- Buffy: Not enough.
- Spike: Mm-hmm. And we just keep comin'. But you can kill a hundred, a thousand, a thousand thousand and the armies of Hell besides, and all we need is for one of us, just one, sooner or later, to have the thing we're all hoping for.
- Buffy: And that would be what?
- Spike: [whispers in her ear] One... good... day.
- Spike: The first was all business, but the second -- she had a touch of your style. She was cunning, resourceful... oh, did I mention? Hot. I could have danced all night with that one.
- Buffy: You think we're dancing?
- Spike: That's all we've ever done. And the thing about the dance is, you never get to stop. Every day you wake up, it's the same bloody question that haunts you: "Is today the day I die?" Death is your art. You make it with your hands, day after day. That final gasp. That look of peace. Part of you is desperate to know: "What's it like? Where does it lead you?" And now, you see, that's the secret. Not the punch you didn't throw, or the kicks you didn't land. She merely wanted it. Every Slayer... has a death wish.
- [in a flashback, Spike snaps Nikki’s neck]
- Spike: Even you. The only reason you've lasted as long as you have is you've got ties to the world...your mum, your brat kid sister, the Scoobies. They all tie you here, but you're just putting off the inevitable. Sooner or later, you're gonna want it. And the second- the second - that happens...You know I'll be there. I'll slip in... have myself a real good day. Here endeth the lesson. I just wonder if you'll like it as much as she did.
- Xander: Am I right, Giles?
- Giles: I'm almost certain you're not, but to be fair, I wasn't listening.
- Anya: I for one didn't want to start my day with a slaughter... Which really just goes to show how much I've grown!
- [Anya is looking over the day's receipts]
- Anya: Hey. Hey! HEY! HEY!!!
- Giles: Anya, your "heys" are startling the customers.
- Xander: And pretty much the state!
- Anya: You sold somebody a Kohl's amulet and a Sobekian bloodstone!
- Giles: Yes, I believe I did.
- Anya: Are you stupid or something?
- Giles: Allow me to answer that question with a firing.
- Xander: She's kidding. An, we talked about the employee-employer vocabulary no-nos. That was number five.
- Xander: Just once I would like to run into a cult of bunny worshippers.
- Anya: Great! Thank you very much for those nightmares.
- Spike: Okay, how 'bout this one. Twice in recent memory, she's had the lover-wiccas do a deinvite on the house. Keep out specific vamps. Ever ask yourself why she's never taken my name off the guest list?
- Riley: Because you're harmless.
- Spike: Oh yeah, right. Takes one to know, I suppose. Least I still got the attitude. What do you got, a piercing glance? Face it, white bread. Buffy's got a type, and you're not it. She likes us dangerous, rough, occasionally bumpy in the forehead region. Not that she doesn't like you ... but sorry Charlie, you're just not dark enough.
- Dr. Kriegel: Joyce, there's no reason to get upset.
- Joyce: No reason to get upset? Oh, right, sorry, I must just think there is because of my brain tumor!
- Riley: Oh, that might be toxic, don't touch it.
- Xander: Oh yeah, touching it was my first impulse. Luckily, I've moved on to my second, which involves dry-heaving and running like hell.
- Willow: Something evil crashed to earth in this and then broke out and ... slithered away to do badness.
- Giles: In all fairness, we don't really know about the slithered part.
- Anya: Oh, no. I'm sure it frisked about like a fluffy lamb.
- Xander: Look at how teeny Mercury is compared to, like, Saturn. Whereas in contrast, the cars of the same name...
- Giles: Xander, please, we have work to do.
- Xander: I still don't get why we had to come here to get info about a killer snot monster.
- Giles: Because it's a killer snot monster from outer space... I did not just say that.
- Joyce: Dawn... she's not mine is she?
- Buffy: No.
- Joyce: She's... she does belong to us though.
- Buffy: Yes, she does.
- Joyce: And she's important... to the world, precious. As precious as you are to me... Then we have to take care of her. Buffy, promise me, if anything happens, if I don't come through this-
- Buffy: Mom-
- Joyce: No, listen to me. No matter what she is, she still feels like my daughter. I have to know that you'll take care of her, that you'll keep her safe, that you'll love her like I love you.
- Buffy: I promise.
- Dawn: Alone time always translates into let's get Dawn out of the house so we can have loud, obnoxious sex.
- Anya: [to Xander] Does that mean we can't?
- Anya: That's so very humorous. Make fun of the ex-demon! I can just hear you in private: [speaking to a chicken foot] "I dislike that Anya. She's newly human and strangely literal."
- Willow: Anya, I don't say that. No one says that. No one talks that way.
- Spike: Look at you, all afraid I'm hot for your honey.
- Riley: Because you are.
- Spike: Well, yeah. But that's not your problem, even if I wasn't in the picture you're never going to be able to hold onto her. [Riley sticks his finger into the hole he's just made in Spike's chest] Oh! Bloody hell!
- Riley: Maybe I didn't almost kill you enough.
- Riley: They want me back Buffy, the military. It's deep undercover. No contact with civilians. Transport's leaving tonight.
- Buffy: Tonight? When were you going to tell me about this?
- Riley: I'm telling you now.
- ...
- Riley: I'm leaving, Buffy. Unless you give me reason to stay.
- Buffy: What more do you want from me Riley? I've given you everything I have. My heart, my body and soul... and if that isn't enough for you then we really have a problem
- Xander: [to Anya] I've gotta say something, 'cause I don't think I've made it clear. I'm in love with you. Powerfully, painfully in love. The things you do, the way you think, the way you move. I get excited every time I'm about to see you. You make me feel like I've never felt before in my life... like a man. I just thought you might like to know.
- Anya: Well, I get to run the store, right?
- Giles: [alarmed] You? Ah, w-well, it's quite a lot for one person to take care of.
- ...
- Willow: We can come by between classes. Usually I use that time to copy over my class notes with a system of different colored pens, but it's been pointed out to me that that's, you know, insane.
- Tara: I said "quirky."
- ...
- Giles: Um, Anya, while, while I completely trust you uh, uh, to take care of the inventory and the money, um ... dealing with people requires a certain, uh ... finesse.
- Anya: [angrily] I have finesse! I have finesse coming out of my bottom! I can completely lie to the health inspector. I can, you know, distract him with coy smiles, and-and bribe him with money and goods.
- Xander: See there? She'll be great.
- Willow: Don't worry, Giles. I'll help her take care of everything. It'll be ship-shape. Better, it'll be shop-shape.
- Olaf: You do well to flee, townspeople! I will pillage your lands and dwellings! I will burn your crops and make merry sport with your more attractive daughters, mark my words!
- Spike: Hey, watch it, mate.
- [Spike turns to look up at Olaf. Both he and Xander stare.]
- Spike: On second thought, do what you like.
- ...
- Xander: So, uh, think I should run and get Buffy?
- Olaf: Barmaid, bring me stronger ale, and some plump, succulent babies to eat.
- Xander: I'm gonna run and get Buffy. Or maybe you could fight him.
- Spike: Yeah, I could do that, but I'm paralyzed with not caring very much.
- Willow: Trying to send him to a specific place is sort of like, like... trying to hit a puppy by throwing a live bee at it. Which is a weird image and you should all just forget it.
- Anya: It's possible that he's in the land of perpetual Wednesday, or the crazy melty land, or, you know, the world without shrimp.
- Tara: There's a world without shrimp? [pause] I-I'm allergic.
- Giles: I cringe to think what the place would have looked like if I'd been away for longer than three days.
- Buffy: Well, maybe we would have had time to clean it up. You know, if Willow used some magicks to help.
- Giles: Yes, 'cause nothing could possibly go wrong with that.
- Tara: W-what's so bad about them coming here? Aren't they good guys? I mean, watchers: that's just like other Giles-es, right?
- Buffy: Yeah, they're scary and horrible!
- Nigel: I need to know a little bit more about the Slayer, and about the both of you. Your relationship, whatever you can tell me.
- Tara: O-o-our relationship?
- Willow: We're friends.
- Tara: Good friends.
- Willow: Girlfriends, actually.
- Tara: Yes, we're girlfriends.
- Willow: We're in love. We're... lovers. [puts hand on Tara's knee] We're lesbian, gay-type lovers.
- Nigel: I meant your relationship with the Slayer.
- Tara: [hastily] Um, just good friends. [Willow takes her hand off Tara's knee.]
- Buffy: Remember,-
- Spike: Yeah, yeah. "Hurt them and I'll stake you good and proper". Sing me a new one sometime. That one's gone stale.
- Buffy: I've had a lot of people talking at me the last few days. Everyone just lining up to tell me how unimportant I am. And I've finally figured out why. Power. I have it. They don't. This bothers them. Glory ... came to my home today.
- Giles: [alarmed] Buffy, are you-
- Buffy: Just to talk. She told me I'm a bug, I'm a flea, she could squash me in a second. Only she didn't. She came into my home, and we talked. We had what in her warped brain probably passes for a civilized conversation. Why? Because she needs something from me. Because I have power over her. You guys didn't come all the way from England to determine whether or not I was good enough to be let back in. You came to beg me to let you back in. To give your jobs, your lives some semblance of meaning.
- ...
- Buffy: You're Watchers. Without a Slayer, you're pretty much just watchin' Masterpiece Theater. You can't stop Glory. You can't do anything with the information you have except maybe publish it in the Everyone Thinks We're Insane-O's Home Journal. So here's how it's gonna work. You're gonna tell me everything you know. Then you're gonna go away. You'll contact me if and when you have any further information about Glory. The magic shop will remain open. Mr. Giles will stay here as my official Watcher, reinstated at full salary...
- Giles: [coughing] Retroactive.
- Buffy: Just tell me what kind of demon I'm fighting.
- Quentin Travers: Well, that's the thing, you see. Glory isn't a demon.
- Buffy: What is she?
- Quentin: She's a god.
- Buffy: [stunned] Oh.
- Willow: Well, you know what they say, the bigger they are-
- Anya: The faster they stomp you into nothing.
- Buffy: How was school today?
- Dawn: The usual, big square building filled with boredom and despair.
- Buffy: Just how I remember it.
- Dawn: I just think you're freakin' out 'cause you have to fight someone prettier than you. That is the case, right?
- Buffy: Glory is evil. And powerful. And in no way prettier than me.
- [Spike is sitting on a coffin, painting his nails when Buffy comes in]
- Spike: Morning sunshine, if you've come round for eggs and sausages, afraid I'm fresh out.
- [Buffy pulls the top of the coffin from under him]
- Spike: Careful, these are wet.
- Buffy: Are you okay? Did she hurt you?
- Dawn: Why do you care?
- Buffy: Because I love you, you're my sister.
- Dawn: No I'm not.
- Buffy: Yes you are. [holds Dawn's hand] It's blood, Summers blood, it's just like mine. It doesn't matter where you came from, or how you got here, you are my sister. There's no way you could annoy me so much if you weren't.
- ...
- Buffy: I have to get you back home though, Mom's freaking out.
- Dawn: Oh, is she mad about the whole fire thing?
- Buffy: I think you sort of have a "Get out of jail free" card on account of big love and trauma.
- Dawn: Really? Okay, good. Do you think she'd raise my allowance?
- Buffy: Don't push it.
- Xander: The point is, I work hard for that money.
- Spike: And you're saying I didn't?
- Xander: You stole it.
- Spike: And you're making it into very hard work!
- Buffy: Spike, finish the story you were telling my little sister.
- Spike: Right, so I knew the little girl was in the coal bin so I ripped it open very violently... and gave her to a nice family where they were never ever mean to her and didn't lock her in a coal bin.
- Buffy: What... is this? The late-night stakeout, the bogus suspects, the flask? Is this a date?
- Spike: A d-Please! A date? You are completely off your bird! I mean... do you want it to be?
- Harmony: Who is-? Oh wait, I get it. Our little sex game was just the beginning, now you've gone and picked up some cheap queen of the damned to dress up like your precious Drudzilla.
- Spike: Harm-
- Harmony: You'd better not be thinking what I think you're thinking, because my answer is the same as always. No threesomes unless it's boy, boy, girl, or Charlize Theron.
- Spike: Harm, you moron, this is Drusilla.
- Harmony: You have got some nerve coming back here after breaking my Boo-Boo's heart.
- Drusilla: [Mouths to Spike] Boo-Boo?
- Spike: Oh, what...Ohh! Gaaah! What the bleeding hell is wrong with you bloody women? What the hell does it take? Why... do you bitches torture me?
- Buffy: Which question do you want me to answer first?
- Giles: You can't be responsible for what Spike thinks or feels.
- Buffy: Well, aren't I responsible? I mean, something about me had to make him feel that, right? Something that made him say, "Woof! That's the one for me!"
- Buffy: I don't know about you guys, but I've had it with super-strong little women who aren't me.
- Giles: A fourteen-year-old is too old to be babysat, it's not fair to her.
- Buffy: What'd she make you do?
- Giles: Well, we listened to aggressively cheerful music sung by people chosen for their ability to dance, and we ate cookie dough and talked about boys.
- Buffy: [laughs] Oh, I'm sorry. I'm very, very sorry, but if it makes you feel any better, my fun-time Buffy party night involved watching a robot throw Spike through a window. So if you wanna trade... No wait, I wouldn't give that memory up for anything.
- Giles: Robot? Sounds interesting.
- Buffy: We're gonna work on it in the morning, I mean, unless you want to stay for a while, and then you and I could-
- Joyce: Who wants to hear everything?
- Buffy: ...listen to my Mom talk about boys.
- Giles: Right. Must go. See you tomorrow. Bye Joyce.
- Joyce: Bye Rupert.
- Joyce: [recounting her date with Brian] Gosh, I'd forgotten how much fun dating can be.
- Buffy: I dunno, I was standing right here. I didn't see Prince Charming. I didn't even see a goodnight kiss. It all looked pretty tame to me.
- Joyce: Well, I suppose by your standards it would seem pretty... Oh, dear.
- Buffy: What?
- Joyce: I left my bra in his car.
- Buffy: [appalled] Mother!
- Joyce: I'm joking.
- Buffy: Good God, that's horrible. Don't do that.
- Joyce: [playfully] I left it in the restaurant.
- Buffy: [running upstairs, hands over her ears] No more! No more! No more!
- Joyce: [calling upstairs] On the dessert cart!
- Buffy: [faintly, off screen] I can't hear you!
- Buffy: Maybe I could change. You know, I could, I could work harder. I could spend less time slaying, I could laugh at his jokes - I mean, men like that, right, the, the joke-laughing-at?
- Xander: Or maybe you could just be Buffy, he'll see your amazing heart, and he'll fall in love with you.
- [Buffy enters her house, sees a bouquet of flowers and a note for her mom]
- Buffy: Hey, Mom. Ooh. Still a couple of guys getting it right. Hey, flower-gettin' lady, want me to pick Dawn up from school?
- [sees her mom lying on the couch]
- Buffy: Mom? What are you doing?
- [moves closer to see her lying still with her eyes open and fixed]
- Buffy: [quieter] Mom? Mom? Mommy?
- Joyce: [flashback] I think we're just about ready for pie.
- Xander: And then I'll be pretty much ready for barf.
- Buffy: Xander!
- Dawn: Gross.
- Xander: You know, barf from the eating. 'Cause all was good and too much goodness.
- Joyce: I'm taking it as a compliment.
- Giles: Yes, everything was delicious.
- Anya: Yes. I'm going to barf, too.
- Joyce: Everyone's so sweet.
- Xander: How you doin' there, Will? Are you in the vomit club, too?
- Willow: [groans] I had too much nog.
- Tara: Oh, baby. Want me to rub your tummy? She likes it when I... uh, s-stop explaining things.
- Dawn: My nog tastes funny. I think I got one with rum in it.
- Willow: That's... bad.
- Xander: Yeah! Now Santa's gonna pass you right by! Naughty boozehound.
- Willow: Santa always passes me by. Something puts him off. Could be the big honkin' menorah.
- Dawn: Um, guys, hello. Puberty. Sort of figured out the whole no-Santa thing.
- Anya: That's a myth.
- Dawn: Yeah.
- Anya: No, I mean, it's a myth that it's a myth. There is a Santa Claus.
- Xander: The advantage of having a thousand-year-old girlfriend. Inside scoop.
- Tara: There's a Santa Claus?
- Anya: Mm-hmm. Been around since, like, the 1500s. But he wasn't always called Santa. But with, you know, Christmas night, flying reindeer, coming down the chimney — all true.
- Dawn: All true?
- Anya: Well, he doesn't traditionally bring presents so much as, you know, disembowel children. But otherwise...
- Tara: The reindeer part was nice.
- Buffy: She's cold.
- 911 Operator: The body is cold?
- Buffy: No, my mom! Should-Should I make her warm?
- [Willow is searching for something to wear]
- Willow: Have you seen the blue one? Joyce liked the blue one.
- Tara: I can check the Laundry room again if you want.
- Willow: What about Purple? What does Purple mean?
- Tara: I think it means...royal. Purple means royalty.
- Willow: I can't be Royal when I'm at the hospital. "Oh, look at me, I'm the queen of everything, I'm better than you!". [Crying] I have to go see Buffy and be supportive. Why do all my clothes have stupid things on them? Why can't I dress like a grown up? Can't I be a grown up?
- Tara: Shh, darling. [Kissing her on the head]
- Willow: Tara, I can't do this.
- [Tara and Willow kiss]
- Tara: We can do this.
- Willow: We can be there for Buffy and Dawn.
- Tara: We can be strong.
- Willow: Strong like an Amazon?
- Tara: [Laughs] Like an Amazon.
- Willow: I wish I had the blue.
- Anya: Are they gonna cut the body open?
- Willow: Oh my God! Would you just... s-stop talking? Just... shut your mouth! Please!
- Anya: What am I doing?
- Willow: How can you act like that?
- Anya: Am I supposed to be changing my clothes a lot? I-is that the helpful thing to do?
- Xander: Guys—
- Willow: The way you behave—
- Anya: Nobody will tell me.
- Willow: Because it's not okay for you to be asking these things!
- Anya: But I don't understand! I don't understand how this all happens. How we go through this. I mean, I knew her, and then she's— there's just a body! And I don't understand why she just can't get back in it and not be dead anymore! It's stupid! It's mortal and stupid! And... and Xander's crying and not talking, and... and I was having fruit punch, and I thought... well, Joyce will never have any more fruit punch, ever, and she'll never have eggs, or yawn, or brush her hair, not ever, and no one will explain to me why! [She begins to cry.]
- Willow: [long pause] We don't know. How it works. Why.
- Angel: I'm sorry. I couldn't come sooner.
- Buffy: The funeral was... It was brutal. But it's tomorrow that I'm worried about.
- Angel: What's tomorrow?
- Buffy: That's exactly what I don't know. Up until now, I've had a road map, things to do every minute, having to do with Mom.
- Angel: Tomorrow, the stuff of everyday living resumes.
- Buffy: And everybody expects me to know how to do it, because I'm so strong.
- Angel: You just need sometime. I'm sure everybody understands that.
- Buffy: Time's not the issue. I can stick wood in vampires, but Mom was the strong one in real life. She always knew how to make things better, just what to say.
- Angel: You'll find your way. I mean, not all at once, but...
- Buffy: I don't know. I keep thinking about it, when I found her. If I had just gotten there 10 minutes earlier.
- Angel: You said they told you it wouldn't have made a difference.
- Buffy: They said probably wouldn't have made a difference. The exact thing they said was "probably." I haven't told that to anyone.
- Angel: Doesn't make it your fault. Couldn't have done anything different.
- Buffy: I didn't even start C.P.R. until they told me. I fell apart. That's how good I am at being a grown-up.
- Angel: Buffy.
- Buffy: And it'd be okay if it was just me I had to worry about, but Dawn--
- Angel: Look, it's okay. You don't feel like it now, but you are strong, Buffy. You're gonna figure this out, and you have people to help you. You don't have to do this alone.
- Buffy: It's gonna be light soon.
- Angel: I can stay in town as long as you want me.
- Buffy: How's forever? Does forever work for you? That's a bad idea. I'm seriously needy right now.
- Angel: Let me worry about the neediness. I can handle it.
- Buffy: I told you. You better go.
- Angel: [exhales] I'm sorry.
- Buffy: No. I'm so grateful that you came, Angel. I didn't think I was gonna be able to make it through the night.
- Angel: We still have a few more minutes until I have to go.
- Buffy: Good. Good.
- [Spike meets Willow and Xander outside Buffy's house. Spike is carrying flowers]
- Spike: I'm not going in.
- Xander: And you're not leaving those. You really think you're going to score points with Buffy this way?
- Spike: This isn't about Buffy.
- Xander: Bull. We're all hip to your doomed obsession.
- Spike: They're for Joyce.
- Xander: Like you cared about her. [Spike moves closer to Xander]
- Willow: Guys. Not here.
- Spike: Care? Joyce was the only one of the lot of you I could stand.
- Xander: And she was the only one with a daughter you wanted to shag. I'm touched.
- Spike: I liked the lady. Understand, monkey boy? She was decent. She didn't put on airs. And she was the only one who didn't treat me like a freak.
- Xander: Her mistake.
- Spike: [scoffs] Think what you want. [He throws the flowers to the ground and stomps off]
- Xander: Un ... believable. The guy thinks he can put on a big show and con Buffy into being his sex monkey.
- Willow: [looking at flowers] Xander... He didn't leave a card.
- Dawn: I know why you're doing this. I mean, you're practically stalking my sister
- Spike: It's not that. I just don't like to see Summers women taking it on the chin. And I mean what I said earlier. You tell her about this, I'll put you in the ground as well.
- Anya: Don't you like television? I thought all children despise effort and enjoy cartoons.
- Buffy: [about a ritual] So, how's it start?
- Giles: I, uh, jump out of the circle and I jump back in it and then um, I shake my gourd.
- Buffy: I know this ritual! The ancient shamans were next called upon to do the hokey pokey and turn themselves around!
- Giles: [affecting annoyance] Go quest.
- ...
- [Giles sighs, then reluctantly jumps out of the circle, jumps back in, and shakes his gourd.]
- Buffy: And that's what it's all about.
- Tara: Everyone, before we jump all over her, people do strange things when someone they love dies. When I lost my mother, I did some pretty dumb stuff like lying to my family and staying out all night.
- Anya: Buffy's boinking Spike.
- [Willow and Tara are left speechless for a moment.]
- Willow: Oh. Tara's right. Grief can be powerful, and we shouldn't judge—
- Tara: What are you, kidding? She's nuts!
- Xander: No one is judging you. It's understandable. Spike is strong and mysterious and sorta compact but well-muscled.
- Buffy: I am not having sex with Spike! But I'm starting to think that you might be!
- Giles: Quite extraordinary, really.
- Buffybot: Thank you. But I really think we should be listening to the other Buffy, Guiles. [She pronounces it with a hard G, like "guy."] She's very smart and she's gonna help us save Spike.
- Giles: "Guiles?!" [turns to address the real Buffy] Spike didn't even bother to program my name properly!
- Buffy: [to the Buffybot] Listen, skirt girl, we're not going to save him. We're going to kill him. He knows who the Key is, and there's no way he's not telling Glory.
- Buffybot: You're right. He's evil. But you should see him naked! I mean really!
- Buffy: [impersonating the Buffybot] Why did you let that Glory hurt you?
- Spike: She wanted to know who the Key was.
- Buffy: Well, I can tell her, and then you...
- Spike: No! You can't ever. Glory never finds out.
- Buffy: Why?
- Spike: Cause Buffy, the other, not-so-pleasant Buffy... Anything happened to Dawn, it'd destroy her. I couldn't live, her bein' in that much pain. I'd let Glory kill me first. Nearly bloody did.
- [Buffy kisses Spike]
- Spike: And my robot?
- Buffy: The robot is gone. The robot was gross and obscene.
- Spike: It wasn't supposed to...
- Buffy: Don't. That thing, it wasn't even real. What you did for me and Dawn... that was real. I won't forget it.
- Xander: Whatever you choose, you've got my support. Just think of me as... as your... You know, I'm searching for supportive things and I'm coming up all bras. So, something slightly more manly, think of me as that.
- Spike: I'm a vampire. I know something about evil. You're not evil.
- Dawn: Maybe I'm not evil. But I don't think I can be good.
- Spike: Well, I'm not good, and I'm OK.
- Willow: Well, I took Psych 101. I mean, I took it from an evil government scientist who was skewered by her Frankenstein-like creation before the final, but I know what a Freudian slip is.
- [Willow is upset at Tara's implication that she isn't committed to their relationship.]
- Willow: I get it. You think you're just a college experiment until I get over the thrill and head back to Boystown.
- [Tara has just been brain-sucked by Glory and is at the hospital]
- Doctor: Is she your sister?
- Willow: She's my everything.
- Glory: Any last words?
- Buffy: Just one. Truck.
- [A truck smashes into Glory]
- [On the run from Glory, Giles calms the gang while they wait for Buffy to bring transportation.]
- Giles: Look, everything will be alright. We just need to stay here, calm. As soon as Buffy arrives—
- [A boxy, beaten-up mobile home pulls up to pick them up.]
- Giles: ... we'll feel oddly worse.
- Spike: Come on. Step on it, gramps
- Giles: Step on what? I've driven tricycles with more power than this.
- Dawn: Anya's going to try to cook. Want to watch the tears and recriminations?
- Dawn: Destroyer of the universe. Guess cutting school doesn't seem so bad now, huh.
- Spike: I'm willing to wager when all's said and done, Buffy likes it rough.
- Spike: [laughs sarcastically] Oh, I get it. That's very crafty. [nods] Glory's worked the kind of mojo where anyone who sees her little presto-change-o instantly forgets. And yours truly, being somewhat other than human ... stands immune.
- Willow: [frowning.] So ... Ben and Glory ... are-are the same person?
- Xander: [slowly, like a revelation] Glory can turn into Ben, and Ben turns back into Glory.
- Anya: And anyone who sees it instantly forgets.
- Spike: [sigh of relief] Kewpie doll for the lady.
- Giles: Excellent. Now. Do we suspect there may be some kind of connection between Ben and Glory?
- Spike: Found Ben's room at Glory's. Didn't learn much.
- Xander: Wait, wait, wait. Ben? At Glory's? [Spike rolls his eyes.] You're saying all this time he's been subletting from her?
- Spike: This ... is gonna be worth it.
- [Spike bitch-slaps Xander upside the head. The two of them both grab their heads in pain.]
- Spike/Xander: Ow!!
- Glory: I look around at this world you're so eager to be a part of and all I see is six billion lunatics looking for the fastest ride out. Who's not crazy? Look around, everyone's drinking, smoking, shooting up, shooting each other, or just plain screwing their brains out 'cause they don't want 'em anymore. I'm crazy? Honey, I'm the original one-eyed chicklet in the kingdom of the blind, 'cause at least I admit the world makes me nuts.
- Young Buffy: Do you like dolls?
- Willow: No, and I think we already deja'd this vu.
- Young Buffy: You talk funny.
- Willow: Yes, as you will tell me again when we are older and in chem class.
- Xander: Why blood? Why Dawn's blood? Why couldn't it be like a-a lymph ritual or something?
- Spike: 'Cause it's always got to be blood.
- Xander: We're not actually discussing dinner right now.
- Spike: Blood is life, lackbrain. Why do you think we eat it? It's what keeps you going. Makes you warm. Makes you hard. Makes you other than dead. 'Course it's her blood.
- Buffy: This is how many apocalypses for us now?
- Giles: Oh, uh, six at least. Feels like a hundred.
- Buffy: I've always beaten them. Always won.
- Giles: Yes.
- Buffy: I sacrificed Angel to save the world. I loved him so much, but I knew what was right. I don't have that anymore. I don't understand. I don't know how to live in this world, if these are the choices, if everything just gets stripped away. I don't see the point. I just wish- I just wish my mom was here.
- Buffy: Weapons are by the TV. I'll grab the stuff upstairs.
- Spike: Buffy... If you wanna just hand them over the threshold...
- Buffy: Come in, Spike.
- Spike: Presto. No barrier. I won't bother with the small stuff. Couple of good axes should hold off Glory's mates while you take on the lady herself.
- Buffy: We're not all gonna make it. You know that?
- Spike: Yeah. Always knew I'd go down fightin'.
- Buffy: I'm counting on you to protect her.
- Spike: Till the end of the world. Even if that happens to be tonight.
- Buffy: I'll be a minute.
- Spike: I know you'll never love me. I know that I'm a monster. But you treat me like a man. And that's...Get your stuff. I'll be here
- Buffy: We on schedule?
- Giles: Yes, it's time.
- Buffy: Will?
- Willow: Tara, baby? Is there somewhere you should be?
- Tara: They held me down.
- Willow: No one's holding you. It's the big day, right? Do you wanna go?
- Tara: [pauses on the way to the door, points at Giles] You're a killer. [Quieter] This is all set down. [continues towards the door]
- Buffy: [to Willow] Stay close but don't crowd her. We'll follow in a minute. [to the rest of the gang] Hey, everybody knows their jobs. Remember, the ritual starts - we all die. And I'll kill anyone who comes near Dawn. [leaves]
- Spike: Well, not exactly the St Crispin's Day speech, was it?
- Giles: We few. We happy few.
- Spike: We band of buggered.
- Buffy: Dawn, listen to me, listen. I love you. I will always love you. But this is the work that I have to do. Tell Giles... tell Giles I figured it out. And, and I'm okay. And give my love to my friends. You have to take care of them now. You have to take care of each other. You have to be strong. Dawn, the hardest thing in this world-is to live in it. Be brave. Live... for me.
- Epitaph:
- BUFFY ANNE SUMMERS
- 1981-2001
- BELOVED SISTER
- DEVOTED FRIEND
- SHE SAVED THE WORLD
- A LOT
Season 6
[edit]
- [Spike, Giles, and Tara are chasing a demon through the cemetery]
- Spike: Come on, I'm not going to get anything killed with you lot holding me back.
- Tara: I thought the big ones were supposed to tire more easily.
- Spike: No, that's over the hill shopkeepers.
- Giles: [Out of breath] I'm fine. I just need to die for a minute.
- Spike: It was that powder you blew at him that made him rabbit off.
- Tara: It was supposed to confuse him but it just made him peppy. Its not supposed to mix with anything. You think he's taking prescription medication?
- Spike [Sarcastically]: Yeah, that must be it.
- Giles: Well let's hope he doesn't handle any heavy machinery.
- Willow: I got her head back on, didn't I? And I got her off those knock-knock jokes.
- Buffybot: Oh, who's there?
- Xander: If you want her to be exactly...
- Spike: She'll never be exactly.
- Xander: I know.
- Tara: The only really real Buffy is really Buffy.
- Giles: And she's gone.
- Buffybot: If you want her to be exactly she'll never be exactly I know the only really real Buffy is really Buffy and she's gone who?
- Tara: You found the last known Urn of Osiris on eBay?
- Anya: Yeah, from this desert gnome in Cairo. He drove a really hard bargain, but I finally got him to throw in a limited-edition Backstreet Boys lunch box for -
- [Xander coughs and glares at Anya]
- Anya: - a friend.
- [Tara smiles knowingly at Xander]
- Xander: Scenario: We raise Buffy from the grave. She tries to eat our brains. Do we: a) congratulate ourselves on a job well done-
- Willow: Xander, this isn't zombies.
- Anya: And zombies don't eat brains anyway, unless instructed to by their zombie master. A lot of people get that wrong.
- Giles: [sadly] I just can't help but wonder if... she would have been better off without me. Buffy.
- Buffybot: I don't think that's true. You were very helpful to her.
- Giles: [laughs bitterly] Right. Yes, I was a perfect Watcher. I did what any good Watcher would do - got my Slayer killed in the line of duty.
- Buffybot: Oh, that wasn't your fault.
- Giles: Of course not. That's how all Slayer-Watcher relationships end, isn't it? She's gone. I did my job.
- Buffybot: [innocently] Then why are you still here?
- Xander: Demons, ah. There's something you don't see every day. Unless you're us.
- Demon: Not looking too good.
- Xander: I don't see you winning any beauty pageants. Not unless the "Miss my face fell off" contest gets going.
- Demon: Big axe you got there.
- Xander: Better to cut you down to size, grandma.
- Willow: Look, we don't want trouble, you don't want trouble.
- Demon: Actually we do want trouble. We're Demons. We're pretty much all about trouble.
- Dawn: Buffy? Buffy. Buffy. How-- Is it you? I mean, really? What are you-- No! Don't! Don't jump, Buffy. Don't move! Just walk to me. Please! Please? I'm your sister, Dawn. We were up here together, and then... you went away. And you don't want to do that again. I don't know how you're back, but you are, and, please, just stay still. [screams] Or-or move, but-but towards me, because the tower was built by crazy people and I don't think it's holding up very well. Talk to me. Say something!
- Buffy: Is this hell?
- Dawn: What?
- Buffy: Is this hell?
- Dawn: No! Buffy, no! You're here... with me. Whatever happened to you, whatever you've been through, it's-it's over now. You're-- [screams] We have to get off of this tower!
- Buffy: It was so clear... on this spot. I remember how... shiny... and clear everything was. But, now, now--
- Dawn: Buffy... please listen to me. You told me I had to be strong. And I've tried. But it's been so hard without you. I'm sorry. I promise I'll do better. I will... if you're with me. Stay with me... please! I need you to live. Live for-- [screams] Buffy!
- Buffy: Dawn.
- Dawn: Buffy!
- Buffy: Dawn!
- Dawn: [screams] Buffy? Buffy. You're-- You're-- You're really here. You're alive, and you're home. You're home.
- Buffy: How long was I gone?
- Spike: Hundred forty-seven days yesterday. Hundred and forty-eight today. 'Cept today doesn't count, does it? [Pause] How long was it where you were?
- Buffy: ...Longer.
- Dawn: [of Buffy's bloodied hands] Um, I was gonna fix 'em... I don't know how they got like that.
- Spike: I do. Clawed her way out of a coffin, that's how. Isn't that right?
- Buffy : Yeah... That's what I had to do.
- Spike: I've done it myself.
- [Willow has called Giles to tell him about Buffy's resurrection.]
- Tara: Did you get through to London?
- Willow: Yeah. He's gonna head back as soon as he can. I'm not sure, like maybe a couple days.
- Tara: How did he take it?
- Willow: Um, I'm not sure. I mean... glad, but kinda weirded out? Which I get, you know. Lots of "Dear Lords". And I think I actually heard him clean his glasses.
- Spike: [to Buffy] Uh ... I do remember what I said. The promise. To protect her. If I had done that ... even if I didn't make it ... you wouldn't have had to jump. But I want you to know I did save you. Not when it counted, of course, but ... after that. Every night after that. I'd see it all again ... do something different. Faster or more clever, you know? Dozens of times, lots of different ways ... Every night I'd save you.
- Spike: Buffy.
- Buffy: Spike, it's daylight, and you're--
- Spike: Not on fire? The sun's low enough. It's shady enough here. I was gonna go inside but I overheard you and the superfriends exchanging a special moment, and I came over a bit queasy. Say, aren't you leaving a hole in the middle of some soggy group hug?
- Buffy: Just wanted a little time alone.
- Spike: Oh. Uh, right, then. [goes to leave]
- Buffy: It's okay. I can be alone with you here.
- Spike: Thanks ever so.
- Buffy: Right.
- Spike: Buff? Slayer? Are you okay?
- Buffy: I'm here. I'm good.
- Spike: Buffy, if you're in, if you're in pain, or if you need anything, or if I can do anything for you--
- Buffy: You can't.
- Spike: Well, I haven't been to a hell dimension just of late, but I do know a thing or two about torment.
- Buffy: I was happy. Wherever I was, I was happy. At peace. I knew that everyone I cared about was all right. I knew it. Time didn't mean anything. Nothing had form. But I was still me, you know? And I was warm. And I was loved. And I was finished. Complete. I-I don't understand theology or dimensions, any of it, really. But I think I was in heaven. And now I'm not. I was torn out of there. Pulled out... by my friends. Everything here is hard... and bright... and violent. Everything I feel, everything I touch... this is hell. Just getting through the next moment... and the one after that... knowing what I've lost... They can never know. Never.
- Buffy: OK, so you're telling me I'm broke?
- Willow: Not yet, but-
- Tara: Money's definitely becoming an issue.
- Xander: As in you're being almost out of it.
- Buffy: But I haven't spent any money! I was all... dead and frugal.
- Dawn: So what do we do?
- Buffy: Easy, we burn the house to the ground and collect the insurance. Plus, fire? Pretty. [The Scoobies look at Buffy in horror] You guys, I'm kidding. OK, it's bills, it's money, it's pieces of paper sent by bureaucrats that we've never even met. It's not like it's the end of the world... which is too bad, you know, 'cause that, I'm really good at.
- Dawn: Oh, come on, Tara. I am so old enough to do research. Do you really think I'm not mature enough?
- Tara: I think you're very mature for your age ... but you're still only fifteen.
- Dawn: Right. Fifteen, as in teenager. You know, if you don't let me look at the pictures, I'm gonna learn everything I know about demons on the street.
- Tara: [sighs and hands Dawn a book] Knock yourself out.
- Dawn: Thank you. See? No biggie. I can totally handle it.
- [Dawn opens the book to the first page]
- Dawn: That's a weird place for a horn... [stares at the page, then closes the book, shaken] That's not a horn.
- ...
- Buffy: [seeing Dawn doing research] You do research now? Would you like a cappuccino and a pack of cigarettes to go with that?
- Giles: You're a very stupid girl.
- Willow: What? Giles-
- Giles: Do you have any idea what you've done? The forces you've harnessed, the lines you've crossed?
- Willow: I thought you'd be...impressed, or, or something.
- Giles: Oh, don't worry, you've...made a very deep impression. Of everyone here...you were the one I trusted most to respect the forces of nature.
- Willow: Are you saying you don't trust me?
- Giles: Think what you've done to Buffy.
- Willow: I brought her back!
- Giles: At incredible risk!
- Willow: Risk? Of what? Making her deader?!
- Giles: Of killing us all. Unleashing hell on Earth, I mean, shall I go on?
- Willow: No! Giles, I did what I had to do. I did what nobody else could do.
- Giles: Oh, there are others in this world who can do what you did. You just don't want to meet them.
- Willow: No, probably not, but...well, they're the bad guys. I'm not a bad guy. [upset] I brought Buffy back into this world, a-and maybe the word you should be looking for is "congratulations."
- Giles: Having Buffy back in the world makes me feel...indescribably wonderful, but I wouldn't congratulate you if you jumped off a cliff and happened to survive.
- Willow: That's not what I did, Giles.
- Giles: You were lucky.
- Willow: I wasn't lucky. I was amazing. And how would you know? You weren't even there.
- Giles: If I had been, I'd have bloody well stopped you. The magicks you channeled are more ferocious and primal than anything you can hope to understand, [even more angry] and you are lucky to be alive, you rank, arrogant amateur!!
- M'Fashnik: Which one of you is the leader?
- Warren, Jonathan, Andrew: I am.
- M'Fashnik: I will kill the leader.
- Warren, Jonathan, Andrew: [pointing at one another] He is.
- M'Fashnik: I will kill you all.
- Jonathan: Wait! Uh, no fair. It's not our fault the Slayer was there. We said we'd pay you, and we're gonna.
- Warren: [dropping to his knees] Yes! Truly, Lord Jonathan is the wisest of us all.
- Andrew: [also kneeling] Uh, yeah. Long live our noble lord and master.
- Jonathan: You guys suck.
- M'Fashnik: [grabs Jonathan by the throat] You can't pay me with paper, tiny king. You pitted me against the Slayer. For that, I must kill you.
- [Warren and Andrew snicker at each other]
- M'Fashnik: Then I will suck dry your bones and use them to beat your subjects to death.
- [Warren and Andrew are suddenly alarmed]
- Giles: Well, I know I'm back in America now. I've been knocked unconscious.
- ...
- Buffy: Who's calling me? Everybody I know lives here.
- [Buffy leaves]
- Dawn: I bet it's creditors. The hounding's begun. I read about it. So, you think we'll starve?
- Giles: I very much doubt it.
- Dawn: No chance I'd have to quit school to work assembling cheap toys in a poorly ventilated sweatshop?
- Giles: Poorly ventilated... what have you been reading?
- Tara: I don't know about everybody else, but I would love some chicken.
- Giles: Yes, as would I!
- Dawn: I'll take a drumstick.
- Willow: I'm a breast girl myself. [Glances at Tara] But, then again, you knew that.
- Warren: What the hell is that?
- Andrew: Death Star, dude! Wicked, huh?
- Jonathan: Uh, thermal exhaust port's above the main port, numbnuts.
- Andrew: For your information, I'm using the Empire's revised design from Return of the Jedi.
- Jonathan: That's a flawed design!
- Giles: Buffy, a word in your ear. If you think of the store as a library, it'll help you concentrate on your service rather than selling.
- Buffy: Yes. And then I'm going to marry Bob Dole and raise penguins in Guam.
- Giles: [Cleaning his glasses and not really listening] Yes, quite, yes.
- Andrew: [awed] The Slayer touched you.
- Jonathan: Yeah, it was sexy the way she touched me real hard with her fists.
- Buffy: I don't really know how to say this, but it's a little like having Mom back.
- Giles: In this scenario I am your mother?
- Buffy: Wanna be my shiftless absentee father?
- Giles: Is there some sort of, um, rakish uncle?
- Buffy: I'm just saying, thank you. So much.
- Dawn: So what are you supposed to be?
- Anya: An angel.
- Dawn: Oh, shouldn't you have wings?
- Anya: Um, no, this is a special kind of angel called a Charlie. We don't have wings, we just skate around with perfect hair fighting crime.
- Buffy: What happened to Xander?
- Giles: He kept poking me with his hook. I sent him over to Charmed Objects. With any luck, he'll poke the wrong one and end up in an alternative dimension inhabited by a fifty-foot Giles that squishes annoying teeny pirates.
- [Xander has announced his engagement to Anya; the two are kissing with uncomfortable intensity.]
- Buffy: [softly] Did you know about this?
- Giles: No. Unless I blocked it from my memory, much as I will Xander's vigorous use of his tongue.
- [Giles takes off his glasses and cleans them on his shirt]
- Buffy: [shocked] Is that why you're always cleaning your glasses? So you won't have to see what we're doing?
- Giles: Tell no one.
- Dawn: [after her first kiss] Shiver me timbers.
- ...
- Justin: That was your first kiss.
- Dawn: I've been kissed before. I kiss all the time, not that I'm a kiss slut. Just with the lips and the pressing together and stuff. Hey, expert here! OK, OK, that was my first kiss.
- Buffy: Were you parking? With a vamp?
- Dawn: I didn't know he was dead.
- Justin: Living dead.
- Dawn: Shut up.
- Buffy: How did you not know?
- Dawn: I just met him.
- Buffy: Oh, so you were parking in the woods with a boy you just met?
- Justin: We've seen each other at parties.
- Buffy: Shut up.
- Dawn: Oh, like you've never fallen for a vampire?
- Buffy: That was different.
- Dawn: It always is when it's you.
- Vampire: Uh, excuse me! Can we fight now?
- Buffy: Didn't anyone come here just to make out? [one couple raises their hands] Oh, that's sweet. [points at couple] You run, [points at another vampire] you scream.
- [From "Rest In Peace"]
- Spike: I died so many years ago.
But you can make me feel,
Like it isn't so.
Why you come to be with me,
I think I finally know.
You're scared, ashamed of what you feel.
You can't tell the ones you love,
You know they couldn't deal.
Whisper in the deadman's ear,
It doesn't make it real.
That's great,
But I don't wanna play.
Being with you touches me,
More than I can say.
But since I'm only dead to you,
I'm saying "stay away"
And let me rest in peace.
- Buffy: So, uh, no research? Nothing going on? Monsters or whatnot? Good! Good. Uh, so, did anybody...uh...last night, you know, did anybody, um...burst into song?
- Xander: Merciful Zeus!
- Willow: We thought it was just us!
- Giles: Well, I sang, but I had my guitar at the hotel...
- Tara: It was bizarre. We were talking, and then it was like -
- Buffy: ...Like you were in a musical.
- Tara: Yeah!
- Giles: ...That would explain the huge backing orchestra I couldn't see and the synchronized dancing from the room service chaps...
- Willow: We did a whole duet about dish washing.
- Tara: And we were arguing and, and then everything rhymed and there were harmonies and a dance with coconuts.
- Anya: [singing] She came from the grave much graver.
- Spike: First he'll kill her, then I'll save her.
- Tara: Everything is turning out so dark.
- Buffy: Going through the motions...
- Spike: No, I'll save her, then I'll kill her.
- Willow: I think this line's mostly filler...
- Giles: What's it gonna take to strike a spark?
- Buffy: These endless days are finally ending in a blaze
- All: And we are caught in the fire
The point of no return.
So we will walk through the fire,
And let it
Burn.
- [From "Something To Sing About"]
- Buffy: Life's a song you don't get to rehearse
And every single verse
Can make it that much worse
Still my friends don't know why I ignore
The million things or more
I should be dancing for.
All the joys life sends
Family and friends
All the twists and bends
Knowing that it ends
Well that depends
On if they let you go
On if they know enough to know
That when you've bowed
You leave the crowd
There was no pain;
No fear, no doubt
'Til they pulled me out of Heaven
So that's my refrain
I live in Hell
'Cause I was expelled from Heaven.
I think I was in Heaven. So give me something to sing about.
Please, give me something.
- ["Something to Sing About"]
- Spike: Life's not a song;
Life isn't bliss.
Life is just this.
It's living
You'll get along
The pain that you feel
You only can heal
By living
You have to go on living
So one of us is living. - Dawn: The hardest thing in this world...is to live in it.
- Tara: Do you think I'm stupid? I know you used that spell on me.
- Willow: Tara, I'm sorry, I--
- Tara: Don't. Just... don't. [shakes head.] There's nothing you can say.
- Willow: Tara, I didn't mean to--
- Tara: To what? Violate my mind like that? How could you, Willow? How could you after what Glory did to me?
- Willow: Violate you? I-- I-I didn't mean anything like that. I-I, I just wanted us not to fight anymore. I love you.
- Tara: If you don't wanna fight, you don't fight. You don't use magic to make a fight disappear.
- Willow: But I-I just wanted to make things better, better for us.
- Tara: But you don't get to decide what is better for us, Will. We're in a relationship. We are supposed to decide together.
- Willow: Okay. I realize that I... I did it wrong.
- Tara: You did it the way you're doing everything. When things get rough, you... [sighs] you don't even consider the options. You just... You just do a spell. It's not good for you, Willow. And it's not what magic is for.
- Willow: [apprehensive.] But I... I just wanna help people.
- Tara: Maybe that's how it started, but... you're helping yourself now, fixing things to your liking. Including me.
- Willow: Tara, no.
- [Tara looks away.]
- Tara: I don't think this is gonna work.
- Willow: Hey. It is. It-It's working. [Tara just looks at her, then looks down.] Tara, please. I-I need you, baby. I-I need you. I-I don't need magic. I-I don't, I... Let me prove it to you, okay? I-I will go a month without doing any magic. I-I won't do a single spell. I swear.
- [Tara looks back at her.]
- Tara: Go a week. One week without magic.
- Willow: Fine. Fine. That's easy.
- Tara: Go a week, and then we'll see. I don't know, I just... I think we both need some, I don't know, space. [sighs] I can't believe I'm saying this.
- Willow: Are you saying you're gonna leave me?
- Giles: I have to.
- Buffy: Uh-huh.
- Giles: You have to be strong. I-I'm trying to--
- Buffy: Trying to-to what? Desert me? Abandon me? Leave me all alone when I really need somebody?
- Giles: I don't want to leave.
- Buffy: So don't. Please don't. I can't do this without you.
- Giles: You can. That's why I'm going. As long as I stay, you will always turn to me if something comes up that you feel you can't handle, and I'll step in, because-- (sighs) because I can't bear to see you suffer.
- Buffy: Me too. Hate suffering. Had about as much of it as I can take.
- Giles: Believe me, I'm loathe to 'cause you more, but this-- I've taught you all I can about being the Slayer, and your mother taught you what you needed to know about life. You... You're not gonna trust that until you're forced to stand alone.
- Buffy: But why now? Now that you know where I've been, what I'm going through?
- Giles: Now more than ever. The temptation to give up is going to be overwhelming, and I can't let--
- Buffy: So I won't. No giving up. You can be here, and I can still be strong.
- Giles: Buffy, I've thought this over and over. I believe it's the right thing to do.
- Buffy: You're wrong.
- Giles: Magic! Magic's all balderdash and chicanery. I'm afraid we don't know a bloody thing. Except I seem to be British, don't I? Uh, and a man. With... glasses. Well, that narrows it down considerably.
- ...
- Giles: We'll get our memory back, it'll all be right as rain.
- Spike: Oh, listen to Mary Poppins. He's got his crust all stiff and upper with that Nancy-boy accent. You English men are always so... bloody hell! [counting them on his fingers.] Sodding, blimey, shagging, knickers, bollocks. Oh god... I'm English.
- Giles: Welcome to the Nancy tribe.
- Spike: You don't suppose you and I...we're not related, are we?
- Anya: There is a ruggedly handsome resemblance.
- Giles: [gives her a flattered smile, then turns back to Spike] Yes, and you do inspire a particular feeling of familiarity and ... disappointment. Older brother?
- Spike: Father. Oh God, how I must hate you!
- Giles: What did I do!?
- Dawn: You want me to name you?
- Buffy: Oh, that's sweet, but I think I can name myself. I'll name me... "Joan".
- Dawn: Ugh.
- Buffy/Joan: What? Did you just "ugh" my name?
- Dawn: No, I just... I mean, it's so blah, Joan.
- Buffy/Joan: I like it. I feel like a "Joan".
- Dawn: Fine, that's your purgative.
- Buffy/Joan: "Prerogative".
- Dawn: Whatever, Joan.
- Buffy/Joan: Whatever, Umad.
- Buffy/Joan/Dawn: [unison.] Boy, you're a pain in the... / Boy, you're bossy!
- Dawn: Do you think we're-
- Buffy: Sisters?
- [They smile and hug each other.]
- Spike: [watching them hug] [to Giles] You never showed me affection like that... [Giles looks at him, bewildered] I'd wager.
- [Buffy/Joan discovers that Randy/Spike is a Vampire]
- Buffy/Joan: I kill your kind.
- Spike/Randy: And I bite yours. So why don't I want to bite you?
- ...
- Spike/Randy: I must be a vampire with a soul. I'm a good guy on a mission of redemption. I help the helpless!
- Buffy/Joan: A vampire with a soul? Oh, my God! How lame is that?
- Warren: Okay, we'll scratch your back, you scratch...
- Spike: I'm not going to scratch your anything. You do what I tell you.
- Spike: [to Warren] Translate this for me, Spock. I don't speak loser.
- Willow: I know, Xander engaged, I couldn't believe it either.
- Amy: That's so weird... so what's she like?
- Willow: Thousand year old capitalist ex-demon with rabbit phobia.
- Amy: That's so his type.
- [after Willow has transformed Amy from rat back to human]
- Amy: Everything feels weird. I mean, it's like ... I felt like I was in that cage for weeks! [Willow looks nervous] But it can still be OK ... right? I-I can still get into the swing of things, like ... prom's coming up. I-I'm so hoping Larry would ask me. We would make such a splash at... [sees Willow's expression] Oh. Oh, God. [sighs, anxiously] He hasn't asked someone else, has he?
- Willow: Uh, Amy ... three things we have to talk about. One, Larry's gay. [Amy stares] Two, Larry's dead. And three, high school's ... kinda over.
- Amy: How long was I in the cage? [Willow is afraid to answer] How long?!
- Willow: Hey.
- Tara: Hey. I just... B-Buffy didn't come home last night... either, so...
- Willow: Uh, hey, uh, this is Amy. Amy, Tara. Tara, Amy.
- Amy: How you doin'?
- Tara: Fine, I-I'd b-better g-get going. [Tara turns to go]
- Willow: Amy! Amy the rat? Sorry.
- Amy: No, that's fair. I was a rat.
- Xander: Anya has a theory. She thinks that Martha Stewart froze that guy.
- Anya: Don't be ridiculous. Martha Stewart isn't a demon. She's a witch.
- Xander: Please, she-Really?
- Anya: Of course. Nobody could do that much découpage without calling on the powers of darkness.
- Willow: So, uh, the burger was good, you liked it?
- Dawn: Are you kidding, it was like a meat party in my mouth! ...Okay, now I'm just a kid and even I know that came out wrong.
- Buffy: Will you quit that? The only thing that's different is that I'm disgusted with myself. That's the power of your charms. Last night... was the most perverse... degrading experience of my life.
- Spike: Yeah. Me too.
- Buffy: That might get you off, but it's not my style.
- Spike: No. It's your calling.
- Willow: It was. But I mean, if you could be, you know, plain old Willow or super Willow, who would you be? I guess you don't actually have an option on the whole super thing.
- Buffy: Will, there's nothing wrong with you. You don't need magic to be special.
- Willow: Don't I? I mean, Buffy, who was I? Just... some girl. Tara didn't even know that girl.
- Buffy: You are more than some girl. And Tara wants you to stop. She loves you.
- Willow: We don't know that.
- Buffy: I know that. I promise you.
- Willow: I just... it took me away from myself, I was... free.
- Buffy: I get that. More than you- But it's wrong. People get hurt.
- Dawn: Candles! We can't have candles?
- Buffy: Dawn, it's magic clearance, everything must go.
- Dawn: But they're just candles.
- Buffy: Yeah, well, to you and me they're just candles, but to witches they're like... bongs.
- Anya: Like pudding, am I right? Rice or tapioca, lumpy like that.
- Xander: We have to find Buffy, she's gotta know.
- Anya: I don't think Buffy's going to be too broken up over a pylon.
- Xander: Anya, whatever's happening to the pylon will probably happen to her. If we don't find Buffy, I mean, if we don't figure out how this was done...
- Anya: She's pudding.
- Spike: You should go.
- Buffy: I thought we were having fun.
- Spike: Yeah, now. But eventually your friends are going to figure out a way to bring you back to living color. Get dressed if you can find your clothes and push off, 'cause if I can't have all of you...[looks down]...hey, that's cheating.
- Buffy: So you three have, what? Banded together to be pains in my ass?
- Warren: We're your arch-nemesises...ses. You may have beaten us this time, Slayer, but next time... um... uh, next time...
- Jonathan: Maybe not!
- ...
- [The girls see the boys struggling with the arcade's back door.]
- Buffy: I give you my arch-nemesis...ses...ses.
- Xander: [as Xander walks in on Spike and invisible Buffy] Spike? What are you doing?
- Spike: What am I-... What does it look like I'm doing, you nit? I'm exercising, aren't I? [starts doing "push-ups"]
- Xander: Exercising? Naked? In bed?
- Spike: A man shouldn't use immortality as an excuse to let himself go. You gotta be fit for killin'...
- Xander: Ya-huh.
- Xander: Now, I get Warren being a super-villainy type, but I thought Jonathan completely learned that lesson. I've never been heard of this other guy.
- Willow: You should have seen their headquarters. It was like the nerd natural habitat.
- Anya: Well, if we know where they are, shouldn't we do something?
- Willow: We tried. Buffy was gonna go in there and bust 'em on the spot.
- Xander: I'm sensing a not-so-completely.
- Willow: Yeah, well, she went in and--
- Anya: Speaking of Buffy, isn't she ready? She's gonna be late for her first day.
- Willow: Hey, respect the narrative flow much?
- Anya: Please continue the story of failure.
- Willow: So, Buffy went in, but they'd cleared out. Then she brought back the stuff that they left-- some spellbooks, some parchments, a couple of rare things, charmed objects and a conjuror's harp. And they had other stuff, you know, Razor scooters and pictures of the Vulcan woman on enterprise.
- Xander: Ooh! [chuckles] I mean, nerds.
- Anya: Okay. See, this is why demons are better than people.
- Willow: Interesting turn.
- Anya: When I was a vengeance demon, I caused pain and mayhem, certainly. But I put in a full day's work doing it, and I got compensated appropriately.
- Xander: Welcome to today's episode of Go, Money, Go. I hear it daily.
- Willow: Yep, for the rest of your life.
- Anya: But supervillains, want reward without labor, to make things come easy. It's wrong. Without labor, there can be no payment and vice versa. The country cannot progress. The workers are the tools that shape America.
- Buffy: Good to know. I was kinda feeling like a tool. And now I know why.
- [Buffy attempts to find out the secret ingredient of Doublemeat burgers.]
- Buffy: Sorry, I was just curious.
- Manny the Manager: Curiosity killed the cat.
- Buffy: [whispers] Theory number 5: cat burgers.
- Anya: Xander, he-he's very kind, and brave, and he has the sweetest smile and the nicest body, and... he loves me. Sometimes it isn't easy, but he does.
- Halfrek: Who told you that it isn't easy to love you?
- Anya: Well... you know, sometimes I'll do something or say something, and then he has to say stuff like, "It is incorrect for you to appreciate money so much," or-or, "Observe: here is how a real human would behave."
- Halfrek: Oh, so he corrects you?
- Dawn: Ewww. Wh-whose is that?
- Buffy: I don't know. It might be this guy named Gary. Only one in the whole place who didn't seem all brain-dead. He didn't show up this morning. Except now I think he was there the whole time as the secret ingredient. We need to analyze that burger. We need to find out if it used to be people.
- Xander: [with mouth full] What? People?
- Buffy: Xander, you ate the burger?
- Xander: Well, first you say it's cat. Then you come in, hand me a burger. Blah, blah, blah. Five minutes later, "Oh, and by the way, it happens to be hot, delicious human flesh"?
- Buffy: I needed that burger to analyze it. Now I'm gonna have to get another one.
- Xander: That's your problem with this scenario? You getting seconds?
- [Recovering magic addict Willow is testing the burger with multicolored liquids.]
- Xander: Good job, Will! Those aren't, like, potions, are they?
- Willow: No. No potions. It's not magic, it's... chemistry. You can tell by how damn slow it is.
- Buffy: You know, this place is okay for a hole in the ground. You fixed it up.
- Spike: Well, I ate a decorator once. Maybe something stuck.
- Buffy: I've been thinking about doing something in my room. I think the New Kids on the Block posters are starting to date me.
- Spike: Do you even like me?
- Buffy: [softly] Sometimes.
- Spike: But you like what I do to you.
- [Spike holds up a pair of handcuffs.]
- Spike: Do you trust me?
- Buffy: Never.
- Buffy: [She is beating Spike up.] I am not your girl! You don't...have a soul! There is nothing good or clean in you. You are dead inside! You can't feel anything real! I could never be your girl!
- Anya: Is this what you saw?
- Buffy: Yeah, that's it.
- Anya: The Rwasundi. Very rare. It's presence in our dimension causes a sort of... localized temporal disturbance.
- Buffy: So, that's why time went all David Lynch?
- Anya: Right. Human perception is based on a linear chronology. Being exposed to the Rwasundi for more than a few seconds, can cause vivid hallucinations and a slight tingly scalp.
- Willow: So, that's it. These things just made you think you killed her.
- Xander: She was probably dead long before you stumbled across her.
- Buffy: It wasn't the demon. It was Warren. He knew Katrina. He had something to do with it, I know it.
- Willow: How can you be sure?
- Buffy: You always hurt the one you love.
- Dawn: Does this mean you're not going away?
- Buffy: Yeah. I'm not going anywhere. We need to find Warren and the others. Whatever they've done, they're not gonna get away with it.
- Buffy: Are you sure?
- Tara: I've double-checked everything. There's nothing wrong with you.
- Buffy: Then why can Spike hurt me?
- Tara: Well, I-I said that there was nothing wrong with you, but you are different. Shifting you out of, fr-from where you were, funneling your essence back into your body, it altered you on a basic, molecular level, probably just enough to confuse the sensors or whatever in Spike's chip, but it's all just surfacey, physical stuff. It would have anymore effect than a bad sunburn.
- Buffy: I didn't come back wrong?
- Tara: No, you're the same Buffy, with a deep, tropical cellular tan.
- Buffy: You must've missed something. Will you check again?
- Tara: Buffy, I-I promise. There's nothing wrong with you.
- Buffy: There has to be. This just can't be me. It isn't me. [starting to cry] Why do I feel like this? Why do I let Spike do those things to me?
- Tara: You mean hit you?
- [Buffy meets Tara's eyes, but only for a moment, then looks away. Tara frowns as the realization dawns on her]
- Tara: [awkwardly] Oh. Oh, huh... really.
- Buffy: He's everything I hate. He's everything that, I'm supposed to be against, but the only time that I ever feel anything is when... Don't tell anyone, please.
- Tara: I won't.
- Buffy: [crying] Oh, the way they would look at me... I just couldn't...
- Tara: I won't tell anyone. I wouldn't do that.
- Buffy: Why can't I stop? Why do I keep letting him in?
- Tara: Do you love him? I-It's okay if you do. He's done a lot of good, and, and he does love you. A-and, Buffy, it's okay if you don't. You're going through a really hard time, and you're...
- Buffy: What? Using him? What's okay about that?
- Tara: It's not that simple.
- Buffy: It is. It's wrong. I'm wrong. Tell me that I'm wrong, please. [starts sobbing] Please don't forgive me. Please! God, please don't. [sobbing] Please don't forgive me! Please don't!
- [She slides off the table onto the floor, kneeling, putting her head in Tara's lap. Tara looks uncertain but puts her hands comfortingly on Buffy's head]
- [Spike's attempt to get intimate with Buffy is interrupted by Tara's arrival.]
- Spike: I had a... muscle cramp. Buffy was, uh, helping.
- Tara: A muscle cramp? In your... pants?
- Spike: What? It's a thing.
- Spike: What, poor dainty Richard can't take a joke?
- Buffy: We do not joke about eating people in this house!
- Richard: Ah, you have some weird friends.
- Xander: News from the file marked "Duh".
- Buffy: Dawn?
- Dawn: What?
- Buffy: Did you do something?
- Dawn: Me?
- Tara: Do you know something? 'Cause we want you to feel like you can tell us.
- Dawn: What would I know?
- Willow: Look, we're not accusing you of anything. It's just, you were kind of taking it personal down there.
- Dawn: Oh, okay. So you've all just decided that somehow I'm responsible. Great. Here's me basking in the love.
- Xander: No, it's just, you know, you're upset 'cause we all want to leave. But now we can't leave. Only thing missing is a cornfield. There-- There isn't a cornfield, is there?
- Buffy: Dawn, it's okay. You know, we're not gonna be mad.
- Dawn: Yeah, only I didn't do anything.
- Willow: You sure?
- Dawn: You want me to ask my other self?
- Buffy: Dawn, we're just trying to figure out what's going on.
- Dawn: Figure it out yourself. I'm done being talked to like a kid.
- Xander: Well, 'cause you know, sometimes we do something that seems like a good idea at the same time, like, say, invoke the power of a musical amulet. And it turns out, you know, not so much.
- Dawn: God! I didn't do anything! I wish I had. I'm glad you're trapped. How else can I get anybody to spend any time with me?
- Buffy: Dawn, if you want us to spend time with you--
- Dawn: I don't. Get out. Get out! Get out! Get out!
- Anya: It's dangerous, and so is all of us dying.
- Xander: Will, look I don't wanna gang up on you, but Anya kinda has a point. We brought you back from it once, we're all here. It's one little spell. Whatever happens we can bring you back again.
- Willow: No, I can't. If I start I.. I might not be able to stop.
- Anya: And whose fault is that?? You know if you hadn't gotten so much of this in your system in the first place--
- Tara: Hey! You're gonna back off. She said no and that's it. You're not gonna make her do something that she doesn't want to. And if you try, you have to go through me first. Understood?
- Willow: You know, when I was little I used to spend hours imagining what my wedding to Xander would be like. And now I look at them and just think... he-he-he!
- Xander: Why did we ever agree to have your friends, who are demons, and my family, who are monsters, stay at our place?
- Anya: Well, I can only do so much, Xander. Planning this marriage is like staging the invasion of Normandy.
- Xander: Without the laughs.
- [Buffy's former flame Riley has returned to Sunnydale with a wife.]
- Willow: Just so you know, I'm prepared to hate this woman any way you want.
- Buffy: Thanks, but no. I don't wanna seem all petty.
- Willow: Well, that's the beauty. You can't, but I can. Please. Let me carry the hate for the both of us.
- Buffy: Go nuts.
- Buffy: Tell me you love me.
- Spike: I love you... you know I do.
- Buffy: Tell me you want me.
- Spike: [huskily] I always want you.
- Riley: You want me to say I like seeing you in bed with that idiot? Or that blinding orange is your very best color? Or that that burger smell is appealing?
- Buffy: You smelled the smell?
- Riley: Buffy, none of that means anything, it doesn't touch you. You're still the first woman I ever loved and the strongest woman I've ever known. And, I'm not advertising this to the missus, but you're still quite the hottie.
- Buffy: You know, it goes away after many bathings.
- Anya: [practicing her wedding vows] I, Anya, promise to... love you, to cherish you, to honor you, but not to obey you, of course, because that's anachronistic and misogynistic and who do you think you are, like a sea captain or something?
- D'Hoffryn: Oh. Hymen's greetings.
- Dawn: Hi–what?
- D'Hoffryn: Hymen. The god of matrimony. His salutations upon you. May the love we celebrate today avoid an almost inevitable decline.
- Dawn: Cool.
- Spike: It's nice to watch you be happy, for them, even, I don't see it a lot, you, uh... you glow.
- Buffy: That's because the dress is radioactive.
- Anya: I, Anya, promise to cherish you. Yeah, no, not cherish. Um, I promise to have sex with you whenever I want, and uh, uh, pledge to be your friend, your wife, and your confidante, and your sex poodle-
- Tara: Uh, "sex poodle"?
- [As Xander wanders the streets in the rain, Anya recites a final version]
- Anya: I, Anya, want to marry you, Xander, because... I love you, and I'll always love you. And, before I knew you, I was like a completely different person. N-not even a person, really. And I'd seen what love could do to people, and it was... hurt, and sadness. A-alone was better. And then, suddenly, there was you! And-and you knew me. You saw me. And it was this... thing. You make me feel safe and warm, so, I... get it now. I finally get love, Xander! I really do.
- [Buffy is an inpatient in a psychiatric ward in an "alternate reality" LA. Hank and Joyce Summers, still married, are sitting with Buffy as they consult with her psychiatrist.]
- Buffy: [sobbing] Dawn...
- Joyce: Dawn?
- Doctor: The sister. She was introduced last year. It didn't make a lot of sense though, did it Buffy? She altered the fabric of her reality drastically. (meta-commenting on how the abrupt introduction of Dawn altered the entire series)
- Doctor: In her mind, she's the central figure in a fantastic world beyond imagination. She's surrounded herself with friends, most with their own superpowers. Together they face grand, overblown conflicts against an assortment of monsters, both imaginary and rooted in actual myth.
- Buffy: 'Cause what's more real? A sick girl in an institution, or some kind of supergirl, chosen to fight demons and save the world? That's ridiculous. A girl who sleeps with the vampire she hates?!? Yeah, that makes sense.
- [Spike and Xander have found the demon that poisoned Buffy.]
- Spike: Oh, balls! You didn't say he was a Glarghk Guhl Kashmas'nik!
- Xander: 'Cause I can't say Glarba...
- Buffy: Then I was like... No, it wasn't like, I was in an institution. There were, um, doctors, and nurses and other patients, they told me that I was sick... I guess crazy. And that, um, Sunnydale and all of this, none of it was real.
- Xander: Oh, come on, that's ridiculous! What, you think this isn't real just because of all the vampires, and demons, and ex-vengeance demons, and the sister that used to be a big ball of universe-destroying energy? (slowing down, as if realizing what he's saying)
- Anya: I wish you had tentacles where your beady eyes should be! I wish your intestines were tied in knots and ripped apart inside your lousy gut!
- Xander: They are.
- Anya: Really? [brightening] Right now? Does it hurt?
- Xander: God, yes. It hurts so bad it's killing me. Anya, I love you. I want to make this work.
- Anya: Those are... metaphor intestines! You're not in any real pain!
- Anya: You're lesbians, so the hating of men will come in handy. Let's talk about Xander.
- Tara: Well, it's-it's really not so much about hating the men.
- Willow: We're more centered around the girl-on-girl action.
- Anya: And men really like to watch that kind of stuff, don't they? Men like Xander!
- ...
- Anya: [frustrated that Willow and Tara won't wish ill on Xander] What kind of lesbians are you? If you love men so much, go love men!
- Buffy: I don't think he could feel any worse.
- Anya: Let's test that theory.
- Buffy: Anya, Xander's my friend. I know what he did was wrong, and if it happened to me, I'd-
- Anya: Wish his penis would explode?
- Tara: Things fall apart, they fall apart so hard.
- Willow: Tara?
- Tara: You can't ever... put 'em back the way they were...
- Willow: Are you okay?
- Tara: I'm sorry, it's just... [sigh] you know it takes time. You can't just... have coffee and expect—
- Willow: I know.
- Tara: There's just so much to work through. Trust has to be built again, on both sides... You have to learn if... if we're even the same people we were, if you can fit in each other's lives. It's a long... important process, and... can we just skip it? Can... can you just be kissing me now?
- Buffy: You tell them if you want. Go ahead. Rock the boat. Rock and roll it the hell over. My friends and I'll still be groovin' with the movin'. [She stakes the first vamp] Know why? I tried to kill my friends, my sister, last week and guess how much they hate me now? Zero. Zero much. So I'm thinking, sleeping with you... They'll deal.
- Spike: In that case why won't you sleep with me again?
- [The second vamp looks at Spike with a confused expression on his face. Buffy stakes him]
- Buffy: [walking away] Because I don't love you
- Spike: [To himself] Like hell.
- Willow: Mmm, I forgot how good this could feel. Us. Together. Without the magic.
- Tara: There was plenty of magic.
- Crying woman: He said he loved me.
- Anya: Oh, gee, then he must have meant it, 'cause hey, guys never say anything they don't really mean, do they?
- Crying woman: But we-
- Anya: They say, "I love you," and, and you think it's true. They say, "Oh, Anya, I want to be with you for the rest of my life," and, and you believe them, you believe they feel the same way about you, because that's the way love's supposed to be, right?
- Crying woman: Who's Anya?
- Anya: And then you get all excited with the tingly anticipation, but wait! Not so fast! There's the apocalypse, a-and the back from the grave, and the blah blah blah blah blah, and by the time you're finally standing there in that beautiful expensive white dress you've dreamed about ever since you became human, he's gets all heebie-jeebie and decides, "you know, I'd rather just go steady."
- Buffy: Xander, what I do with my personal life is none of your business.
- Xander: [softly] It used to be.
- Buffy: It just happened, okay?
- Xander: Oh, like, uh, "Say, you're evil. Get on me"?
- Buffy: You fought side by side with him when I was gone. You let him take care of Dawn.
- Xander: But I never forgot what he really is. God, what were you thinking?
- Jonathan: We're risking everything so that Charles Atlas can get a date? He's going to end up getting us thrown into jail. Or worse. Maybe you and I should think about—
- Andrew: Warren's the boss. He's Picard, you're Deanna Troi. Get used to the feeling, Betazoid.
- ...
- Warren: Don't worry babies, daddy gonna give you some too.
- Xander: See, now I think it's the daddy thing that's throwing her, 'cause incest, not that sexy.
- Warren: You think you could just do that to me? You think I'd let you get away with that? [laughs some seconds] Think again. [Points a gun at Buffy and shoot five times, three of them while he runs away]
- Tara: [Has been shot in her chest from behind, looking confused at Willow] Your shirt...
- Xander: Anya was saying she knows where Willow is.
- Buffy: A spell?
- Xander: Not exactly. Seems Anya got her vengeance on again.
- Andrew: Think they'll let my aunt bring me my Discman?
- Jonathan: That's what you worried about? In-flight entertainment? We're in jail!
- Andrew: We're in custody. We haven't been charged yet.
- Jonathan: Thank you, Dragnet. It doesn't matter what they call it, they got us, okay? We're going down. [lowers his voice] That guy's been looking at me. I think he wants to make me his butt monkey.
- Cave Demon: You seek me, vampire?
- Spike: [about the cave walls] You do the finger paintings? Nice work.
- Cave Demon: Answer me.
- Spike: Yeah, I seek you.
- Cave Demon: Something about a woman. The Slayer.
- Spike: [angrily] Bitch thinks she's better than me. Ever since I got this bleeding chip in my head, things ain't been right. Everything's gone to hell.
- Cave Demon: And you want to return to your former self.
- Spike: Yeah. [the demon laughs darkly] What?
- Cave Demon: Look what she's reduced you to.
- Spike: It's this bloody chip--
- Cave Demon: You were a legendary dark warrior, and you let yourself be castrated! And you have the audacity to crawl in here and demand restoration?
- Spike: I'm still a warrior.
- Cave Demon: You're a pathetic excuse for a demon!
- Spike: Yeah? I'll show you pathetic. Give me your best shot.
- Cave Demon: You'd never endure the trials required to grant your request.
- Spike: Do your worst. But when I win, I want what I came here for. Bitch is gonna see a change...
- Warren: It was an accident, you know.
- Willow: Oh. You mean, instead of killing my best friend, you killed my girlfriend.
- Warren: It wasn't personal, that's all.
- Willow: Well this is.
- Willow: Wanna know what a bullet feels like, Warren? A real one? It's not like in the comics.
- Warren: No, no--
- Willow: I think you need to. Feel it.
- [Willow makes the bullet slowly go into his chest to torture him.]
- Warren: Oh God... Stop it -
- Willow: It's not going to make a neat little hole. First - it'll obliterate your internal organs. Your lung will collapse, feels like drowning...
- Warren: Please! No-
- Willow: When it finally hits your spine, it'll blow your central nervous system.
- Warren: Stop! God, please!
- [Willow sews his mouth shut by magic.]
- Willow: I'm talking. The pain will be unbearable, but you won't be able to move... A bullet usually travels faster than this, of course. But the dying? It seems like it takes forever. Something, isn't it? One tiny piece of metal destroys everything. It ripped her insides out... It took her light away. From me. From the world... And now the one person who should be here is gone - and a waste like you gets to live. A tiny piece of metal. Can you feel it now? I said - can you feel it? [Willow unravels the stitches.]
- Warren: Please, God... I did wrong, I see that now. I need... jail! I need... But you - you don't want this. You're not a bad person. Not like me--
- Buffy: [calling out in the distance] Willow!
- Warren: When you get caught - you'll lose them too. Your friends. You don't want that. I know you're in pain, but--
- Willow: Bored now.
- [Willow magically flays Warren, just as Buffy and Xander reach her.]
- Xander: Oh my God.
- Buffy: What did you do? Willow, what did you do?
- Willow: [setting Warren's body aflame] One down. [vanishes]
- Anya: Warren shot Buffy. Warren shot Tara. Buffy's alive, Tara is dead. Willow found out, and, being the most powerful wicca in the western hemisphere, she decided to get the payback, with interest.
- Andrew: What about Warren?
- Anya: She killed him. Ripped him apart and bloodied up the forest doing it. Now she's coming here and the two of you are next.
- Andrew: Oh my god, Warren!
- Jonathan: Oh my god, me!
- Andrew: Think your little witch buddy's gonna stop with us? You saw her! She's a truck-driving magic mama! And we've got maybe seconds before Darth Rosenberg grinds everybody into Jawa burgers! And not one of you bunch has the midi-clorians to stop her!
- Xander: [after a brief silence] You've never had any tiny bit of sex, have you?
- Anya: The annoying virgin has a point.
- Willow: Let me tell you something about Willow. She's a loser. Always has been. She got picked on through junior high, high school, right up until college. With her stupid mousy ways. And now? [laughs bitterly] Willow's a junkie. The only thing Willow was ever good for...the only thing I ever had going for me were those moments...just moments...where Tara would look at me and I was wonderful. And that will never happen again.
- ...
- Willow: [to Buffy] Please! This is your pitch? You hate it here as much as I do! I'm just more honest about it. You're trying to sell me on the world? The one where you lie to your friends when you're not trying to kill them? Where you screw a vampire just to feel and insane asylums are the comfy alternative? This world? Buffy, it's me! I know you were happier when you were in the ground. The only time you were ever at peace in your whole life was when you were dead. Until Willow brought you back. You know, with magic?
- Willow: So, here we are.
- Buffy: Are we really gonna do this?
- Willow: Come on, this is a huge deal for me. Six years as a side man, now I get to be the Slayer.
- Buffy: A killer isn't a Slayer. Being a Slayer means something you can't conceive of.
- Willow: Oh, Buffy. You really need to have every square inch of your ass kicked.
- Buffy: Then show me what you got, and I'll show you what a Slayer really is.
- Willow: The Slayer thing really isn't about the violence. It's about the power. And there's no one in the world who has the power to stop me now.
- [Willow gets hit by a powerful spell]
- Giles: I'd like to test that theory.
- Willow: Remember that little spat we had before you left? When you were under the delusion that you were still relevant here? You called me a rank, arrogant amateur. Well buckle up, Rupert... [eyes turning black] 'Cause I've turned pro.
- Giles: Buffy, what's happened here?
- Buffy: God. I don't even know where to start.
- Giles: Well, Willow's clearly been abusing the magicks.
- Buffy: She has. She was ... and I barely even noticed. Giles, everything's just been so... [sighs.] Xander left Anya at the altar, and Anya's a vengeance demon again... [Giles looks shocked.] Dawn's a total klepto ... money's been so tight that I've been slinging burgers at the Doublemeat Palace ... [looks down at the floor.] And I've been sleeping with Spike.
- [Giles stares at her... then starts laughing. He covers his mouth with his hand but can't stop. Buffy stares at him.]
- Giles: [trying to calm down.] Sorry.
- [He bursts out laughing again. Buffy rolls her eyes, now just looks amused. Giles keeps laughing and slowly Buffy starts to laugh too.]
- ...
- Giles: Sometimes the most adult thing you can do is... ask for help when you need it.
- Buffy: Now you tell me.
- Xander: Hey, black-eyed girl. Whatcha doin’?
- Willow: Get out of here.
- Xander: Oh, no. You’re not the only one with powers, you know. You may be a hopped up uber-witch, but this carpenter can dry-wall you into the next century.
- Willow: I’m not joking, Xander. Get out of my way, now.
- [Willow magically blasts him a few feet away. She begins the ritual again but Xander struggles to his feet and gets in the way again]
- Willow: You can’t stop this.
- Xander: Yeah, I get that. It’s just where else am I gonna go? You’ve been my best friend my whole life. World gonna end, where else would I wanna be?
- Willow: Is this the master plan? You're gonna stop me by telling me you love me?
- Xander: Well, I was going to walk you off a cliff and hand you an anvil, but, it seemed kinda cartoony.
- Willow: Still making jokes.
- Xander: I’m not joking. I know you’re in pain. I can’t imagine the pain you’re in. And I know you’re about to do something apocalyptically evil and stupid. And, hey, still wanna hang. You’re Willow.
- Willow: Don’t call me that.
- Xander: The first day of kindergarten, you cried because you broke the yellow crayon, and you were too afraid to tell anyone. You've come pretty far, ending the world, not a terrific notion. But the thing is, yeah. I love you. I love crayon-breaky Willow and I love, scary, veiny Willow. So if I'm going out, it's here. If you wanna kill the world, well, then start with me. I've earned that.
- Willow: You think I won't?
- Xander: It doesn't matter. I'll still love you.
- Willow: Shut up. [magically slashes his face]
- Xander: I love you.
- [magically slashes his torso]
- Xander: I... love you.
- Willow: Shut up! [blasts him]
- Xander: I love you, Willow.
- Willow: Stop! [tries to blast him again but can't]
- Xander: I love you.
- Willow: Stop! [starts to cry]
- [Willow physically tries to fight him off but Xander takes her into his arms and holds her as she breaks down sobbing and the dark magic drains away]
- Xander: I love you.
- Dawn: I, I think it's over, Buffy. The world's still here.
- Buffy: (sobbing)
- Dawn: I'm sorry to disappoint you. Wait. Is, is that happy crying?
- Buffy: Yes, dummy. You think I wanted the world to end?
- Dawn: I don't know. Didn't you?
- Buffy: Dawn, I'm so sorry. I'm sorry.
- Dawn: It's okay, Buffy. It's okay.
- Buffy: No. It hasn't been. It hasn't been okay. But it's gonna be now. I see it.
- Dawn: See what?
- Buffy: You. Things have really sucked lately. That's all gonna change. And I wanna be there when it does. I wanna see my friends happy again. I wanna see you grow up. The woman you're gonna become. Because she's gonna be beautiful. And she's gonna be powerful. I got it so wrong. I don't wanna protect you from the world. I wanna show it to you. There's so much that I wanna show you.
- [A bloodied and exhausted Spike lies on the ground in the cave]
- Cave Demon: You have endured the required trials.
- Spike: Bloody right I have. So you give me what I want. Make me what I was, so Buffy can get what she deserves.
- Cave Demon: Very well. [places his hand on Spike's chest] We will return, your soul.
- [A light flashes on Spike's chest as he screams in pain]
- Spike: (screaming)
Season 7
[edit]
- Buffy: My first time out, I missed the heart too.
- Dawn: No way.
- Buffy: Just that once.
- Xander: How do you make cereal?
- Buffy: I put the box next to the milk. I saw it on the food channel.
- Xander: So, how are you doing?
- Buffy: My sister's about to go to the same school that tried to kill me for three years. I can't change districts, I can't afford private school, and I can't begin to prepare for what may come out of there. So peachy with a side of keen, that would be me.
- Buffy: Stay away from hyena people, or any loser athletes, or if you see anyone who's invisible...
- Dawn: I think it's pretty safe to say I'm not going to see anyone who's invisible.
- Willow: The coven, they're the most amazing women I've ever met, but there's this look they get, like I'm going to turn them all into bangers and mash. And I'm not even sure what that is.
- Giles: They're cautious. I'm sure you can understand that.
- Willow: I don't have that much power, I don't think.
- Giles: It's all connected. You're connected to a great power, whether you feel it or not.
- Willow: I wish you'd just take it from me.
- Giles: You know we can't. This isn't a hobby or an addiction. It's inside you now. You're responsible for it.
- Willow: Will they always be afraid of me?
- Giles: Maybe. Can you handle that?
- Willow: I deserve a lot worse. I killed people, Giles.
- Giles: I've not forgotten.
- Willow: When you brought me here, I thought it was to kill me, or to lock me in a mystical dungeon for all eternity, or with the torture. Instead you go all Dumbledore on me. I'm learning about magic, Gaia, energy, and the roots system.
- Giles: Do you want to be punished?
- Willow: I want to be Willow.
- Giles: You are. In the end, we all are who we are, no matter how much we may appear to have changed.
- [Convinced he's going mad, Spike is tormented by The First.]
- Spike: Everything is. I had a speech. I learned it all. Oh, God, she won't understand. She won't understand.
- The First [as Warren]: Of course she won't understand, Sparky. I'm beyond her understanding. She's a girl-- with sugar, and spice, and everything useless, unless you're baking. I'm more than that. More than flesh...
- The First [as Glory]: ... more than blood, I'm... You know, I honestly don't think there's a human word fabulous enough for me. Oh, my name will be on everyone's lips, assuming their lips haven't been torn off. But not just yet. That's all right, though.
- The First [as Adam]: I can be patient. Everything is well within parameters. She's exactly where I want her to be, and so are you, Number 17. You're right where you belong.
- The First [as Mayor Wilkins]: So, what'd you think? You'd get your soul back, and everything would be jim-dandy? A soul's slippierier than a greased weasel. Why do you think I sold mine? [chuckles] Well, you probably thought that you'd be your own man, and I respect that. But you...
- The First [as Drusilla]: ...never will. You'll always be mine. You'll always be in the dark with me, singing our little songs. You like our little songs, don't you? You've always liked them. Right from the beginning. And that's where we're going.
- The First [as the Master]: Right back to the beginning. Not the bang. Not the word. The true beginning. The next few months are going to be quite a ride, and I think we're all going to learn something about ourselves in the process. You'll learn you're a pathetic schmuck, if it hasn't sunk in already. Look at you, trying to do what's right, just like her. You still don't get it. It's not about right. It's not about wrong.
- The First [as Buffy]: It's about power.
- Buffy: I doubt we'll even see each other. Assuming I even half understand my fuzzy job description.
- Dawn: It's not fuzzy. You're what, dealing with troubled kids?
- Xander: At a spanking new Hellmouth High. Please, outside of drugs, violence, and unwanted pregnancy and the unleashing of hordes of Armageddon that comes pouring out of its schools foundation every now and then, what trouble could these kids have?
- Xander: Sunnydale. Come for the food, stay for the dismemberment.
- Nancy: There's good food?
- Anya: I had a quota, the guy had it coming. What's the big?
- Nancy: I think I'm gonna be sick.
- Buffy: Anya, that thing you created burst through solid pavement and ate her dog.
- Anya: [anguished] Oooh, puppy!
- Xander: Wait — that gets your sad noise? People's lives are in danger, and you give it up for the Yorkie?
- Spike: Ain't we in a sodding engine?
- Buffy: Spike, have you completely lost your mind?
- Spike: Well, yes. Where have you been all night?
- Spike: I dreamed of killing you. I think they were dreams. So weak... did you make me weak? Thinking of you. Holding myself and spilling useless buckets of salt over your... ending. Angel, he should've warned me. Makes a good show of forgetting, but it's here. In me. All the time. The spark. I wanted to give you... what you deserve. And I got it. They put the spark in me and now all it does is burn.
- Buffy: Your soul?
- Spike: Bit worse for lack of use.
- Buffy: You got your soul back. How?
- Spike: It's what you wanted, right? It's... it's what you wanted, right? And-and now everybody's in here... talking. Everything I did... everyone I... and HIM. And it. The other. The thing... beneath... beneath you. It's here, too. Everybody. They all just tell me go. Go... to Hell.
- Buffy: Why? Why would you do that?
- Spike: Buffy, shame on you. Why does a man do what he musn't? For her. To be hers. To be the kind of man who would nev... To be a kind of man. And she shall look on him with forgiveness... and everybody will forgive and love. And he will be loved. So everything's okay, right? C-can we rest now? Buffy? Can we rest?
- Dawn: Well, if she's doing that—ducking Giles—thing, she's evil, right?
- Xander: Well, I've avoided Giles tons of times. Just meant I was lazy, not evil.
- Buffy: I hope you're right, because defeating Lazy Willow — probably less hard.
- Anya: You feel really responsible? You are really responsible!
- Willow: I know I hurt you... and everyone... and I'm sorry.
- Anya: Here's something you should know about vengeance demons. We don't groove with the sorry. We prefer, "Oh, God! Please stop hitting me with my own rib bones!"
- Willow: Go on. Say whatever you want, rib bones and so forth. I deserve it.
- Anya: And you won't mind?
- Willow: No.
- Anya [pouts slightly]: Well then, that's no fun.
- Spike: Red's a bad girl.
- Buffy: He's talking about Willow.
- Xander: And that means something 'cause he's chock full of sanity.
- Buffy: It's pretty easy. Spike follows the exciting smell of blood and we follow the fairly ripe smell of Spike.
- Dawn: It's smellementary. Also I'm sure there's tunes like this, you know procedures we can use that don't involve magic spells, just good solid detective work. And we can develop a data base of tooth impressions and demon skin samples and I could wear high heels more often.
- Buffy: Wow, that was so close to being empowered.
- Dawn: Everybody loves a slender ankle.
- Willow: Buffy?
- Buffy: Oh, I'm sorry. I... I didn't mean to interrupt.
- Willow: That's all I had left in me anyway.
- Buffy: I didn't realize meditating was such hard work.
- Willow: I'm healing. Growing new skin.
- Buffy: Wow. That's magic, right? I mean, when most people meditate, they don't get extra skin, right? 'Cause, Clem should, like, cut back.
- Willow: It's magic. I'm drawing power from the earth to heal myself.
- Buffy: We're on the second floor.
- Willow: [laughs] You know, Giles says everything's part of the earth-- this bed, the air, us.
- Buffy: Explains why my fingernails get dirty even when I don't do anything.
- Willow: Plus, you stuck your thumbs in a demon.
- Buffy: True. You're wiped out. I-I should go.
- Willow: No. Please stay. I missed you so much when I couldn't find you.
- Buffy: We missed you too. I missed you. Dawn's working on what caused the mutual no-see-ums, but so far we haven't--
- Willow: I did it.
- Buffy: You did a spell?
- Willow: I didn't mean to. I-I just remember, thinking how I wasn't ready to see you guys yet. I was afraid we wouldn't, you know, connect.
- Buffy: So you made it happen just by thinking it?
- Willow: I guess I have a ways to go before I master my powers, huh?
- Buffy: It's okay. As long as you're all right.
- Willow: It's nice to be forgiven. Too bad I need so much of it.
- Buffy: I have a confession to make. I thought it might be you, with the flaying.
- Willow: I know.
- Buffy: I wanna be the kind of person that wouldn't think that. Xander never thought it.
- Willow: He did a little. Heck, I did a little. Xander has the luxury of not saying it. But you're the Slayer. You have to say stuff like that. It's okay. It's okay too if... you still don't think I can recover from this magic stuff. Because honestly, I'm not that sure about it either. [sighs]
- Buffy: I thought you were too tired.
- Willow: It hurts too much not to try.
- Buffy: I'm sorry.
- Willow: And it just takes so much strength, I don't have that much.
- Buffy: Well, I got so much strength, I'm givin' it anyway.
- Willow: Are you sure?
- Buffy: Will it help?
- Willow: Much.
- Buffy: Good. [sighs]
- Xander: Figuring out how to control your magic seems a lot like hammering a nail. At the end of the hammer, you have the power, but no control. It takes, like, two strokes to hit the nail in, or you could hit your thumb.
- Willow: Ouch.
- Xander: So you choke up. Control, but no power. It could take like ten strokes to knock the nail in. Power, control. It's a trade off.
- Willow: That's actually not a bad analogy. Except, I'm less worried about hitting my thumb, and more worried about going all black-eyed baddy and bewitching that hammer into cracking my friends' skulls open like coconuts.
- Xander: Right. Ouch.
- Buffy: I need to fix this. I don't usually get a heads up before somebody dies.
- Robin: What do you mean usually?
- Willow: Have you Googled her yet?
- Xander: Willow! She's 17!
- Willow: It's a search engine.
- Cassie: You think I want this? You think I don't care? [cries] Believe me, I want to... be here, do things. I want to graduate from high school, and I want to go to the stupid winter formal... I have this friend, and it would be fun to go with him. Just to dance and hear lame music to wear a silly dress and laugh and stuff... I'd like to go. There's a lot of stuff I'd like to do. I'd love to ice skate at Rockefeller Center. And I'd love to see my cousins grow up and see how they turn out 'cause they're really mean and I think they're gonna be fat. I'd love to backpack across the country or, I don't know, fall in love, but I won't. I just never will.
- Willow. How was her mom?
- Buffy: Okay. As okay as-- She told me their family had a history of heart irregularities. But she never told Cassie.
- Willow: Cassie didn't know? Then it was fate?
- Xander: Then she was going to die no matter what, wasn't she? It didn't matter what you did.
- Buffy: She just knew. She was special. I failed her.
- Dawn: Uh-uh. No. You didn't 'cause you tried. You listened and you tried. She died 'cause of her heart, not 'cause of you. She was my friend 'cause of you. I guess sometimes you can't help. [sniffles]
- Buffy: So what then? What do you do when you know that? When you know that maybe you can't help?
- Buffy: Spike, this basement is killing you. This is the Hellmouth. There is something bad down here, possibly everything bad.
- Spike [laughs]: Can't hear you. Can't hear you.
- Buffy: You have a soul? Fine. Show me.
- Spike: Scream "Montresor" all you like, pet.
- Buffy: Get up and get out of this basement.
- Spike: I don't have anywhere else to go.
- [Buffy, Xander and Willow argue about whether to kill the re-demonized Anya.]
- Buffy: She's not that Anya that you knew, Xander. She's a demon.
- Xander: That doesn't mean you have to kill her.
- Buffy: Don't act like this is easy for me. You know it's not.
- Xander: There are other options.
- Buffy: I've considered them.
- Xander: When? Just now? Took you all of 10 seconds to decide to kill one of your best friends?
- Buffy: The thought that it might come to this has occurred to me before. It's occurred to you too.
- Xander: But we can change what she did, fix it. These are mystical deaths, right? There has to be something.
- Willow: I don't have anywhere near that kind of power. I didn't have that kind of power when-- And I-I don't think I trust the power I do have.
- Buffy: It's okay. Xander, I know this is hard for you to hear, but it's what I have to do.
- Xander: Hard for me to hear? Buffy, you want to kill Anya.
- Buffy: I don't want to.
- Xander: Then don't. This isn't new ground for us. When our friends go all crazy and start killing people, we help them.
- Willow: Sitting right here.
- Xander: I'm sorry. But it's true.
- Buffy: It's different.
- Xander: Because you don't care about her the same way I do. Buffy, I still love her.
- Buffy: I know. And that's why you can't this for what it really is. Willow was different. She's a human. Anya's a demon.
- Xander: And you're the Slayer. I see now how it's all very simple.
- Buffy: It is never simple.
- Xander: No, of course not. You know, if there's a mass-murdering demon that you're, oh, say, boning, then it's all gray area.
- Buffy: Spike was harmless. He was helping.
- Xander: He had no choice.
- Buffy: And Anya did. She chose to become a demon - twice.
- Xander: You have no idea what she's going through.
- Buffy: I don't care what's she's going through.
- Xander: No, of course not. You think we haven't seen all this before-- the part where you just cut us all out, just step away from everything human and act like you're the law? If you knew what I felt--
- Buffy: I killed Angel! Do you even remember that? I would have given up everything I had to be with-- I loved him more than I will ever love anything in this life, and I put a sword through his heart because I had to.
- Willow: And that all worked out okay.
- Buffy: Do you remember cheering me on? Both of you. Do you remember giving me Willow's message? "Kick his ass."
- Willow [shocked]: I never said that.
- Xander: This is different.
- Buffy: It is always different! It's always complicated. And, at some point, someone has to draw the line, and that is always going to be me. You-you get down on me for cutting myself off, but, in the end, the Slayer is always cut off. There's no mystical guidebook, no all-knowing council. Human rules don't apply. There's only me. I am the law.
- Xander: There has to be another way.
- Buffy: Then please find it.
- [Xander walks out the front door. Buffy turns to Willow, silently asking her help to dispatch Anya.]
- Willow: I can't. I'm sorry. [Buffy grabs a sword and heads outside]
- Xander: You don't understand. This isn't an intervention. Buffy's coming to kill you.
- Anya: She's coming to try.
- Xander [exasperated]: Did everybody have their Crazy Flakes today? You guys are friends! How could you talk like this?
- Anya: I have a job to do. And so does Buffy. Xander, you've always seen what you wanted to but you knew, sooner or later, it would come to this.
- D'Hoffryn: [surveying the fraternity boys Anya killed] Oh, breathtaking! It's like somebody slaughtered an Abercrombie & Fitch catalog.
- Anya: Xander, you can't help me. I'm not even sure there's a me to help.
- Buffy: So, do you have plans later or are you just going to go down to the docks, wait for the fleet to come in?
- Dawn: [shocked] What?
- Buffy: [furious] Where do I start with the bad? First, you told me you were going to the library. Second, you do not go out on a date without informing me first. Third... Anna Nicole Smith thinks you look tacky!
- [Xander finds Buffy straddling R.J. in the counseling office.]
- R.J.: Hey guy, it's called knocking.
- Xander: I'm sorry, it's just checkout time was an hour ago. We were hoping to make up the bed. And also, it's a classroom, you chowderhead! [to Buffy] Now get off the boy, Buffy, we're going home.
- Willow: Damn love spell! I have tried every anti-love spell spell I can find.
- Anya: Even if you found the right one, guy would probably just do an anti-anti-love-spell spell... spell.
- Willow: What?
- [The women are threatening one another with what they're each going to do to win R.J.'s love]
- Buffy: Willow, you're a gay woman! [Willow makes a face conveying "And?"] And he... isn't?!
- Willow: This isn't about his physical presence! It's about his heart.
- Anya: His physical presence has a penis!
- Willow: I can work around it!
- Willow: Hey, Anya, you never told us what you can't believe you almost.
- Anya: Almost who now?
- Willow: No, you can't be the only not embarrassed one. What did you do?
- Anya: [nervously] I, uh, wrote a poem. An epic poem...comparing him to a daisy and a tower and a lake.
- Radio Announcer: And now the latest on Sunnydale's late-night bandit who is still at large. A masked thief held up a number of large businesses— [Anya quickly switches off the radio]
- Anya: Okay great! Ice cream. My treat.
- Holden Webster: Whoa. Did my face just change?
- Buffy: Yeah. You look human now. You can do that. Go back and forth.
- Holden: Oh, so I'm a vampire. [laughs] How weird is that?
- Buffy: Sorry.
- Holden: No, no. Feels great. Strong. Like I'm connected to a powerful all consuming evil that's gonna suck the world into a fiery oblivion. How about you?
- Buffy: Not so much connected.
- Holden: No, no. I mean, with the stake? And the cross? You do this kind of thing a lot?
- Buffy: I'm The Slayer. It's sort of a thing.
- Holden: So, what? You like fight vampires professionally?
- Buffy: Oh, I don't get paid. It's more like a Calling. Since... even in school.
- Holden: I heard a lot of rumors about you back then. You were all mysterious.
- Buffy: I was?
- Holden: Well, you were never around. A lot of kids thought you were dating some really old guy, or that you were just heavy religious. Scott Hope said you were gay.
- Buffy: What? I dated that ringworm!
- Holden: He says that about every girl he breaks up with. Then, last year, big surprise... he comes out.
- Holden: Oh, I have so much to learn. Come on, isn't this insane? I mean, I was afraid to talk to you in high school, and now we're, like, mortal enemies. Hey, wouldn't it be cool if we became nemeses?
- Buffy: Is that how you say the word?
- Holden: We're gonna have to fight to the death, aren't we?
- Buffy: It's the time-honored custom.
- Holden: Wow, reality just shows up sometimes, doesn't it? But, you know, I've got the bloodlust pumping, and I kinda get it. I'm looking for a fight. And, oh, it's nothing personal.
- Buffy: Oh, no, I mean, you've been great.
- ...
- Holden: Hey, I don't mean to be Count Buttinsky here, but you just don't seem as thrilled. Is it because we're gonna fight?
- Buffy: It's because I'm gonna win.
- Holden: Hello! Two years of Tae Kwon Do and vampire strength. I think somebody's counting their chickens.
- Buffy: You're not leaving this graveyard. Can't let you.
- ...
- Buffy: If you knew what I've done, what I've let myself become. My best friends don't even know. You'd laugh if you heard some of the things I've done to them.
- Holden: Buffy, I'm here to kill you, not to judge you.
- Holden: Oh my God!
- Buffy: Oh, your God what?
- Holden: Oh, well, not my God. Because I defy him and all of his works. Does he exist? Is there word on that by the way?
- Buffy: Nothing solid.
- Joyce: Things are coming, Dawn. Listen, things are on their way. I love you, and I love Buffy, but she won't be there for you.
- Dawn: What? Why are you--
- Joyce: When it's bad, Buffy won't choose you. She'll be against you.
- Dawn: No! No, don't go! Please don't go! No. Oh.
- The First (as Cassie): [after trying to trick Willow into believing Tara wants her to kill herself] The suicide thing was too far, huh? Hmm. You seemed so ripe.
- Willow: Tell me who you are.
- The First (as Cassie): I stand by my opinion. The world would be a better place if you took a razorblade to your wrist.
- Willow: Stop.
- The First (as Cassie): I can see it now. Candlelight. The Indigo Girls playing. A picture of your dead girlfriend on your bloody lap.
- Willow: Stop it.
- The First (as Cassie): [mocking] Oh, baby, you left such a big hole. It hurts so bad! [serious] You don't know hurt. This last year's gonna seem like cake after what I put you and your friends through, and I am not a fan of easy death. Fact is, the whole good versus evil, balancing the scales thing? I'm over it. I'm done with the mortal coil. But believe me, I'm going for a big finish.
- Willow: [realizing] "From beneath you, it devours."
- The First (as Cassie): Oh, not it. Me.
- Xander: Why would a vampire lie about who sired him? What's that? Some kind of status symbol for the undead? My sire can beat up your sire.
- Spike: It's not that I'm not tempted. Obviously, if things were different, you're a right catch.
- Anya: I got it. No problem. I understand. [pause] You think I'm fat.
- Spike: What!?
- Anya: It's either that or the haircut.
- Spike: The do's quite fetching.
- Anya: Oh, right. Now you like the haircut.
- Spike: Love it.
- Anya: Sure, as a friend. You know you were a lot more fun when you didn't have a soul.
- Spike: Oh, come on now, I've just explained to you...
- Anya: All I'm saying is soulless Spike would have had me upside down and half-way to happyland by now.
- Young Woman Vampire: Is that all I was to you, a one-bite stand?
- Spike: Well, I certainly didn't off her. Where are you getting this? You know I can't.
- Buffy: Right. The chip.
- Spike: No, not the chip! Not the chip, dammit. You honestly think I'd go to the end of the underworld and back to get my soul and then— Buffy, I can barely live with what I did. It haunts me. All of it. If you think that I would add to the body count now, you are crazy.
- Spike: [to Buffy] As daft a notion as "Soulful Spike the Killer" is, it is nothing compared to the idea that another girl could mean anything to me. This chip—they did to me. I couldn't help it. But the soul, I got on my own—for you.
- Buffy: I know.
- Spike: So, yeah. I go and pass the time... with someone. But that's all it is is time, 'cause—God, help me, Buffy—it's still all about you.
- Willow: I am Willow. I am Death. If you dare defy me, I will call down my fury, exact fresh vengeance, and make your worst fears come true! OK?
- Xander: There was this one guy, he hurt her real bad. So she paid him back. She killed him, but she did it real slow. See, first she stopped his heart, and then she replaced it with darkness, and then she made him live his life like that. But he still had to go do his job, see his friends, wake up in the morning and go to bed at night, but he had to do it all... empty. Without anything to look forward to... ever.
- Andrew: Sounds bad.
- Xander: Well, then she tore out his intestines and rubbed it in his face and took pictures of it.
- Andrew: Oh, God.
- Xander: But she's downstairs now. Don't worry about her.
- The First (as Buffy): I have to admit I'm glad it worked out this way, I was going to bleed Andrew but you look a lot better with your shirt off... To be honest, I'm getting a little tired of subtle... I think it's about time we brought some authority to our presence... Now Spike, you wanna see what a real vampire looks like?
- Buffy: [to Spike] You faced the monster inside of you and you fought back. You risked everything to be a better man. And you can be. You are. You may not see it, but I do. I believe in you, Spike.
- Buffy: [to Willow] He's been feasting off human blood for weeks. He's been having some pretty bad withdrawals. I think we need to get him some blood.
- Willow: [enthusiastically & happily] Do you want me to kill Anya?
- Buffy: No, we should probably try to wean him off humans. He'll have to make do with animal blood.
- Willow: I'll go get some then.
- ...
- Buffy: You don't mind?
- Willow: Oh no, I have to get out of the house, Xander is installing the new windows and he keeps giving lectures on proper tool maintenance. Tool talk not my thing.
- Buffy: Thank you.
- Andrew: Man, this place gives me the creeps. It's like in Wonder Woman, issue 297–299.
- Xander: "Catacombs". Yeah, with the skeletons.
- Andrew, Xander: That was cool.
- [Pause]
- Xander: [embarrassed] Move it! This way!
- [He shoves Andrew ahead.]
- Xander: Hey, junior Slayers, don't look so worried. I mean, sure, we don't know where Spike is or how to fight the First, or if and when the super-styled vampire is gonna attack us all. However, house — boarded up. Now all we gotta do is trap this Übervamp in the pantry, and it's game over.
- Willow: Xander, newbies. Let's ease them into the whole "jokes in the face of death" thing.
- Xander: Who's joking? That pantry thing could work. You saying M. Night Shyamalan lied to us?
- Willow: Uhm, Buffy? I just.. I-I want you to know that I'm, I'm really sorry for letting you down. You know, here, before with the magic going all "aaah" and me going all "eeeh" and everything getting all "rrrr".
- Giles: We're back at square one.
- Xander: Which square would that be, exactly?
- Giles: I'm not sure. The First predates everything we've ever known. Or can know. It's everywhere, it's pure. I don't know if we can fight it.
- Buffy: You're right. We don't know how to fight it. We don't know when it'll come. [We] can't run, can't hide... can't pretend it's not the end 'cause it is. Something has always... been there to try and destroy the world. We've... beaten them back, but we're not dealing with them anymore. We're dealing with the reason they exist. Evil. The strongest. The First.
- Giles: Buffy, I, um... I-I know you're... you're tired...
- Buffy: I'm beyond tired. I'm beyond scared. [near sobbing] I'm standing on the mouth of Hell and it is going to swallow me whole. [hardens] And it'll choke on me. We're not ready? They're not ready. They think we're gonna wait for the end to come, like we always do. I'm done waiting. They want an apocalypse? Well, we'll give 'em one. Anyone else who wants to run, do it now, 'cause we just became an army. We just declared war. From now on, we won't just face our worst fears, we will seek them out. We will find them, and cut out their hearts, one by one, until the First shows itself for what it really is. And I'll kill it myself. There is only one thing on this earth more powerful than evil. And that's us. Any questions?
- [Giles and Buffy discuss her encounter with a new breed of vampire]
- Giles: Uh, what you fought was a vampire, but it was, um, something more than that. It was a Turok-Han. [Giles sees Buffy's nonplussed expression] As Neanderthals are to human beings, the Turok-Han are to vampires. Primordial, ferociously powerful killing machines, as single-minded as animals. They are the vampires that vampires fear. An ancient and entirely different race and, until this morning, I thought they were a myth."
- Willow: [to Buffy] Are you sure this thing called itself The First?
- Buffy: Pretty sure. It claimed to be the original evil, the one that came before anything else.
- Anya: Please, how many times have I heard that line in my demon days? "I'm so rotten, they don't even have a word for it. I'm bad. Baddy bad bad bad. Does it make you horny?" [everyone stares at her] Or terrified. Whatever.
- Xander: Potential Slayers can function without sleep. Me, I'm no good without my usual 90 minutes.
- Andrew: I'm with him. Keep the chatter down! Or speak up so I can hear you... I'm bored. Episode I bored.
- ...
- [About Andrew.]
- Rona: Um... why is that guy tied to a chair?
- Xander: The question you'll soon be asking is, "Why isn't he gagged?"
- [Xander is undoing the extremely tight ropes around Andrew's arms.]
- Andrew: Ow! Watch it, that's my joystick hand.
- Xander: I'm not gonna touch that one.
- ...
- Buffy: You try anything, try to run---did you ever see the movie Misery?
- Andrew: Six times. But the book was scarier than the movie, 'cause instead of crushing his foot with a sledgehammer, Kathy Bates chops it off with...
- [Andrew trails off as it sinks in. Buffy nods.]
- Andrew: I'll be good.
- Buffy: [To the Potential Slayers.] We need to stick together, okay? We're stronger that way. We cannot afford to fall apart now.
- Andrew: She's right. Where would the Justice League have been if they hadn't put their differences aside to stop the Imperium and his shape-shifting alien horde?
- Buffy: Don't help me.
- Willow: Last time I tried using magic... the First, it turned it around on me, got inside. I felt it surging through me, every fibre of my being, pure undiluted evil. I could taste it.
- Kennedy: How's evil taste?
- Willow: A little chalky.
- [Before fighting the Turok-Han in front of the Potential Slayers]
- Buffy: Looks good, doesn't it? They're trapped in here. Terrified. Meat for the beast, and there's nothing they can do but wait. That's all they've been doing for days. Waiting to be picked off. Having nightmares about monsters that can't be killed. But I don't believe in that. I always find a way. I'm the thing that monsters have nightmares about. And right now, you and me are gonna show 'em why. It's time. Welcome to Thunderdome.
- Andrew: Two men enter, one man leaves!
- Buffy: [after defeating the Turok-Han] See? Dust. Just like the rest of 'em. I don't know what's coming next, but I do know it's gonna be just like this: hard, painful. But in the end it's gonna be us. If we all do our parts, believe it, we'll be the ones left standing. Here endeth the lesson.
- Buffy: [on the phone at work] Well, I'm sorry Xander...next time, close the door when you take a shower at my house...of course they're curious!
- Willow: The smell will lead us to the potential.
- Xander: Or some poor soul who ate too many chimichangas.
- Andrew: Plucked from an ordinary life, handed a destiny
- Xander: Say Skywalker, and I smack ya.
- ...
- Andrew: It's like—well, it's almost like this metaphor for womanhood, isn't it? The sort of flowering that happens when a girl realizes that she's part of a fertile heritage stretching back to Eve, and-
- Xander: I'll pay you to talk about Star Wars again.
- Vi: It's like a gay bar...but with demons.
- Xander: They'll never know how tough it is, Dawnie, to be the one who isn't chosen. To live so near to the spotlight and never step in it. But I know. I see more than anybody realizes because nobody's watching me. I saw you last night. I see you working here today. You're not special. You're extraordinary.
- Dawn: Maybe that's your power.
- Xander: What?
- Dawn: Seeing, knowing.
- Xander: Maybe it is... Maybe I should get a cape.
- Buffy: I know. But you should go. This trip is important for the girls, to understand the source of their power, and know how to use it right.
- Giles: I don't think they appreciate the gravity of what we're undertaking. It's frightening and it's difficult. Then, apparently someone told them that the vision quest consists of me driving them to the desert, doing the hokey pokey.. until a spooky rasta mama slayer arrives and speaks to them in riddles.
- Kennedy: Let's start with the easy stuff. How long have you known... that you were gay?
- Willow: Wait. That's easy? And what, you just assume that I'm gay. I mean, presume much?
- Kennedy: Okay, sorry. How long have you enjoyed having sex with women?
- Willow: Hey! What, you think you have some sort of special lesbo-dar or something?
- Kennedy: Okay, you know there's a better word for that, right?
- [Spike lies bleeding because of his malfunctioning control chip.]
- Buffy: Well, we'll fix it. We'll hit serious research mode—
- Spike: Good. Try Behavioral Modification Software Throughout the Ages.
- Buffy: [sighs] Okay. You're right. Not a book thing. [pauses] It's a phone thing.
- Spike: Who you gonna call?
- [Buffy looks askance at him.]
- Spike: God, that phrase is never gonna be usable again, is it?
- Buffy: Doubt it.
- Giles: Now wait a minute—you think I'm evil... if I bring a group of girls on a camping trip and don't touch them?
- Soldier: Miss Summers! Agent Finn reported that you tried to contact him earlier today.
- Buffy: I knew it! [whispers to Spike] Government conspiracy.
- Soldier: He indicated you might be needing our assistance. We're to provide you anything you need to help Ass-Face here.
- [Spike and Buffy stare at him.]
- Soldier: Those were his exact words, ma'am.
- Buffy: You think I'm losing sight of the big picture, but I'm not. When Spike had that chip, it was like having him in a muzzle. It was wrong. You can't beat evil by doing evil. I know that.
- Lissa: I can't even figure out if I've got the right kind of rope.
- Xander: That depends on what you need it for. Something like functional around the house, or, you know, recreational -- by which I mean, for example, boating or mountain climbing -- not for tying someone up for sexy, funky fun... In conclusion, rope can be useful in various ways.
- Buffy: [about a date with Principal Wood] Or it could be work-related. Maybe I'm getting promoted for doing such a good job.
- Willow: [laughs heartily, then sees Buffy's look] Right, that makes sense too.
- Buffy: Or maybe he knows I suspect he's up to something, and he's taking me out to kill me.
- Willow: Well, you'll have to dress for the ambiguity.
- Buffy: You know, it’s not even that he’s acting that suspicious. It’s just - there he is. On the hell mouth. All day, every day. That’s got to be like being showered with evil. Only from underneath.
- Willow: Not really a shower.
- Buffy: A bidet. Like a bidet of evil.
- ...
- Willow: I'm gonna wait for that sentence to come around again before I jump on.
- Spike: I should move out. Leave town before it is time for me.
- Buffy: No, you have to stay.
- Spike: You've got another demon fighter now.
- Buffy: That's not why I need you here.
- Spike: Is that right? Why's that, then?
- Buffy: Because I'm not ready for you not to be here.
- Willow: What happened?
- Xander: What do you think happened? Another demon woman was attracted to me.
- [Anya rolls her eyes]
- Xander: I've decided I'm turning gay. Willow, gay me up. Come on, let's gay.
- Willow: What?
- Xander: You heard me. Just tell me what to do. I'm mentally undressing Scott Bakula right now. That's a start, isn't it?
- Andrew: [wistfully] Captain Archer... [nods]
- Xander: Come on, let's get this gay show on the gay road. Help me out here.
- Andrew: Where the hell have you been?! This funnel cake is kicking my ass.
- Robin: Yeah, I hear they're tricky,
- Buffy: Robin Wood, this is...Andrew.
- Robin: It's a pleasure. [shakes hands with Andrew]
- Buffy: Andrew is our... actually, he's our hostage.
- Andrew: I like to think of myself more as a "guest-age".
- Robin: So, you—you hold him here against his will?
- Buffy: Well, he was evil, and people got killed, and now he...bakes. It's a thing.
- Robin: Oh...
- Willow: Oh. Hey. Hi. Well, Buffy, I see our preparations for the... school... pep-dance-cheer-drill-contest are really coming along. "Bring it on!"
- Buffy: Will, it's okay, he knows.
- Willow: Oh, thank God. If I had to explain all these weapons? I had nothing.
- Robin: Buffy tells me you have been, umm... oh, how shall I put it?... experimenting... [long embarrassed pause] ...with the magics.
- Willow: Oh! Yeah. Oh, nothing too heavy, though. Just the lighter, safer stuff. Uh, if Kennedy asks, her pointy stuff's right there. See you inside. [to Buffy] So much cooler than Snyder!
- Robin: [when Willow left] She really almost destroyed the world?
- Buffy: Yep.
- Buffy: Oh I don't know. It's just... The First is coming... and look at us, the army! We've got a bunch of fighters with nothing to hit, a wicca who won't-a, and the brains of our operation wears oven mitts.
- Xander: Well, yeah, but only because you kinda told us to. You're our leader, Buffy, as in "follow the".
- Buffy: Well, from now on, I'm your leader as in "do what I say".
- Xander: Jawohl. But let's not try to forget, we're also your friends.
- Anya: I'm not.
- Buffy: Then why are you here? Aside from getting rescued, what is that you do?
- Anya: I provide much needed... sarcasm.
- Xander: Um... that'd kinda be my job actually.
- Willow: How you doing?
- Buffy: Thanks for bringing me back... again.
- Willow: Oh, it's what I do.
- Buffy: I was hard on you guys today.
- Willow: Oh, it's all right. You needed to be. Although, Twinkies and Kisses-- also peachy motivational tools. You okay?
- Buffy: I think I made a mistake.
- Willow: What?
- Buffy: Those men that I met, you know, the shadowmen, they offered me more power, but I didn't like the loophole.
- Willow: So you turned it down? It's okay, Buffy. We'll get by. We always do.
- Buffy: I don't know. They showed me--
- Willow: Showed you what?
- Buffy: That the first Slayer was right. It isn't enough.
- Willow: Why, Buffy? What did you see? What did they show you?
- [The scene opens with a Masterpiece Theatre-like setting, with Andrew reading a book.]
- Andrew: Oh, hello there, gentle viewers.
- [He closes the book.]
- Andrew: You caught me catching up on an old favorite. It's wonderful to get lost in a story, isn't it? Adventure and heroics and discovery — don't they just take you away? Come with me now, if you will, gentle viewers. Join me on a new voyage of the mind. A little tale I like to call... Buffy, Slayer of the Vampyrs.
- [A vampire knocks Buffy to the ground. Cut to Andrew in his "study."]
- Andrew: Ouch! My goodness! Things look bad for the Slayer, don't they? She didn't see that second vampire, concealed by cover of darkness, ready—
- [There's a knock at the door, which Andrew ignores.]
- Andrew: ... ready to attack and make her his own vampirical spawn.
- [Cut to the bathroom, where Andrew sits on the closed toilet, trying to continue his narration.]
- Andrew: Let's rejoin them now to see—
- [Suddenly, Anya barges in.]
- Anya: For God's sakes, Andrew! You've been in here for 30 minutes. What are you doing?
- Andrew: Entertaining and educating.
- Anya: Why can't you just masturbate like the rest of us?
- Buffy: Are you still filming me? Stop!
- Andrew: But it’s a valuable record. An important document for the ages. A Slayer in action.
- Buffy: A nerd in pain. Would they like that? ’Cause we could do that.
- Andrew: It’s a full house. I think it’s a good time to do some introductions, don’t you, gentle viewers?
- ...
- Andrew: [bright fantasy shot, clear, emotional voice] You’ve already met Buffy. She’s beautiful, with a lion’s heart and the face of an angel. She’s never afraid because she knows her side will always win. [Spike enters shot, somehow shirtless] Buffy and Spike have some kind of history. You can feel the heat between them although, technically as a vampire, he’s room-temperature. [Anya enters shot, eating grapes] Anya. A feisty waif with a fiery temper and a vulnerable heart that she hides even from herself. [pan to unnamed Potential Slayer eating cereal] This lovely girl... [uncertain - back to normal voice] I don't remember her name.
- Andrew: There something you can see going on between Principal Wood and Spike ... sexual tension you could cut with a knife!
- [Andrew is filming Spike smoking a cigarette. We see Spike through the camera]
- Spike: Hey, I told you get that thing out of my face! Now get out of here before I tear your head off!
- Andrew: Spike, the light was behind you.
- Spike: Oh sorry. [Takes a step forward] Hey, I told you to get that...
- Buffy: [about the school] Situation still normal. Well, or as normal as this school ever sees.
- Robin: So it appears.
- Buffy: Well, no fires, no one's heads going kablooey. And the swing choir and the marching band have gone back to their normal, healthy seething resentment.
- Buffy: Maybe you're right. Maybe everything is fine.
- Giles: Everything's terrible. Total catastrophe.
- Buffy: Giles, what's wrong?
- Giles: Have you seen the new library? There's nothing but computers. There's not a book to be seen. I - I don't know where to begin, Buffy. I mean, who do we speak to?
- Robin: Uh, that would - that would be me. Hi. I'm Robin Wood.
- Giles: Oh, sorry. Rupert Giles. Sorry. Buffy tells me you're something of a freelance demon fighter. [Robin closes door] Oh, yes, yes. I, um, I'm relieved. We're running dangerously low on allies.
- Buffy: So, we didn't stop it, then?
- Giles: Uh, no, the seers at the coven are certain the First is continuing to gather its forces. I'm afraid war is inevitable. [regarding the library] So, we should go before the school board.
- Buffy: So, did you bring back any Potentials?
- Giles: Um, rea— no. Actually, m-my, uh, my trip is about something else. It's–it's, um, regarding Spike.
- Buffy: Spike. What about him?
- Giles: I told you my concerns when you recklessly chose to remove the chip from his head.
- Robin: Wait, sorry — chip?
- Giles: Well, uh, it's a... long story.
- Buffy: The military put a chip in Spike's head so he couldn't hurt anyone.
- Giles: And that would be the abridged version.
- Buffy: But he wouldn't hurt anyone anymore because he has a soul now.
- Giles: Unless the First triggers him again.
- Robin: Triggers the chip?
- Buffy: No, the trigger's a post-hypnotic thing. The First put it in his head. It was... made him… He was killing again.
- Robin: So, he has a trigger, a soul, and a chip?
- Giles: Not anymore!
- Buffy: It was killing him, Giles!
- Robin: The trigger?
- Buffy: No, the chip. The trigger's not active anymore.
- Robin: Because the military gave him a soul?
- [Giles tries to think an adequate response. Buffy glares at Robin, who gestures in surrender.]
- Robin: Uh... sorry.
- William's Mother: Are you drunk?
- William/Spike: [looks down] A little bit. [Mother coughs, he walks forward] Think of it. No more sickness. No more dying. You'll never age another day. Let me do this for you.
- Kennedy: So, Spike's trigger's been active this entire time?
- Rona: How can Buffy take this for granted? I mean, he lives in our house, we train with him.
- Anya: Don't waste your time down that road. Spike's got some sort of "Get Out of Jail Free" card that doesn't apply to the rest of us. I mean, he could slaughter a hundred frat boys, and... [everyone shoots a look at Anya] Forgiveness makes us human, blah-dee-blah-blah-blah.
- Faith: Whatcha wanna do to her, vamp? Huh? Somthin' like this? [punches Spike]
- Spike: (stands) Nice punch you got there. Lemme guess. Leather pants, nice right cross, doe eyes, holier-than-thou glower...you must be Faith.
- Faith: [shrugs and grins] Oh, goodie. I'm famous.
- Spike: Told you were coming. Bit of a misunderstanding here. I'm—
- Faith: Spike. [nods] Yeah, we've met before.
- Spike: We have? I don't think we— [Faith kicks Spike in the torso] Bloody hell! What're you doing? I'm on your side.
- Faith: Yeah? Maybe you haven't heard. I've reformed. [punches Spike]
- Spike: So have I. [punches Faith] I reformed way before you did. [Faith punches Spike] Stop... [punches Faith] hitting... [punches Faith again] me! We're on the same side.
- Faith: Please. You think I'm stupid?
- Spike: Well, yeah. [grins]
- Faith: You were attacking that girl. [punches Spike]
- [Someone punches Faith in the face, knocking her down. Pan over to show it's Buffy.]
- Buffy: [innocently] Sorry, Faith. I didn't realize that was you.
- Faith: It's all right, B. Luckily, you still punch like you used to.
- Buffy: You OK?
- Spike: Yeah. Terrific.
- Faith: [to Buffy] You're protecting vampires? Are you the bad slayer now? Am I the good slayer now?
- Buffy: He's with me. He has a soul.
- Faith: Oh, he's like Angel?
- Spike: No!
- Buffy: Sort of.
- Spike: I am nothing like Angel.
- Buffy: He fights on my side. Which is more than I can say for some of us.
- Spike: Angel's dull as a table lamp! And we have very different coloring.
- Faith: Yeah, well if he's so good, what's he doing chasing down defenseless—
- [The young woman that Spike was chasing stands up, growls, and attacks Faith, knocking her down.]
- Buffy: That's one of the bad guys.
- Faith: You should make 'em wear a sign.
- Caleb: "Drink of this, for it is my blood." You know, I always loved the story of the Last Supper. The body and blood of Christ becoming rich, red wine. I recall, as a boy, though, I couldn't help but think: what would happen if you were at the Last Supper, and you ordered the white? A nice oaky Chardonnay or White Zin. I mean, would he make that out of his lymph or some-all? Never did bring it up. Suppose there was a reason why I never spent too long in one parish. Just looking for answers. Just looking for the Lord in the wrong damn places. Then you showed me the light.
- Faith: Every guy's got some whack fantasy. Scratch the surface of any granola-type dude - naughty nurses and horny cheerleaders... I figure, if you can't beat 'em—
- Spike: Join 'em.
- Faith: Just don't forget who's on top.
- Spike: That, I suspect, would be you.
- Xander: I've been through more battles with Buffy than you all can ever imagine. She's stopped everything that's ever come up against her. [Buffy and Faith walk in] She's laid down her life -— literally -— to protect the people around her. This girl has died two times, and she's still standing. You're scared? That's smart. You got questions? You should. But you doubt her motives, you think Buffy's all about the kill, then you take the little bus to battle... I've seen her heart, and this time, not literally. And I'm telling you, right now, she cares more about your lives than you will ever know. You gotta trust her. She's earned it.
- Faith: Damn. I never knew you were that cool.
- Buffy: Well, you always were a little slow.
- Caleb: [grabs Xander] You're the one who sees everything, aren't you? Well, let's see what we can't do about that. [gouges out Xander's left eye]
- Xander: I might need a parrot.
- Willow: Huh?
- Xander: Well, to go with the eyepatch, to really complete the look. I think I still have that costume from Halloween.
- Willow: Yeah, and don't underestimate the impact of a peg leg. Maybe the hospital can hook you up with a nice one. Maybe they have a two-body-parts-for-the-price-of-one kind of deal.
- Xander: Oh, you know what the best part is? No one will ever make me watch "Jaws 3-D" again.
- Anya: Okay... I know you're all upset... and I, myself, would much rather be sitting at the bedside of my one-eyed ex-fiancé than killing time here with you people in this overcrowded and, might I add, increasingly ripe-smelling basement. And I would be, too, if not for a certain awkward discussion he and I recently had right over there on that cot immediately following some exciting and unexpected breakup sex.
- [The Potentials on the cot awkwardly get off it. Andrew jots down "breakup sex" on the board.]
- Giles: There's evidence that Caleb may have established a foothold up north.
- Buffy: That's great.
- Giles: I, em, I sent Spike to look into it.
- Buffy: Spike. Is this a mission from which you intend Spike to return alive?
- Giles: Yes. I sent Andrew with him.
- Buffy: Again I ask the question.
- Andrew: You sure you don't wanna stop and pick up some burgers or something, you know, road trip food?
- Spike: It's not a road trip. It's a covert operation.
- Andrew: Right. Right. Gotcha... I—I bet even covert operatives eat curly fries. They're really good.
- Spike: Not as good as those onion blossom things.
- Andrew: Ooh, I love those.
- Spike: Yeah, me, too.
- Andrew: It's an onion... and it's a flower. I—I don't understand how such a thing is possible.
- Spike: See, the genius of it is, you soak it in ice water for an hour so it holds its shape. Then you deep-fry it root-side up for about 5 minutes.
- Andrew: Masterful.
- Spike: Yeah. Tell anyone we had this conversation, I'll bite you.
- Andrew: Right.
- Anya: And it's automatically you. You really do think you're better than we are.
- Buffy: No, I—
- Anya: But we don't know. We don't know if you're actually better. I mean, you came into the world with certain advantages, sure. I mean, that's the legacy.
- Buffy: I—
- Anya: But you didn't earn it. You didn't work for it. You've never had anybody come up to you and say you deserve these things more than anyone else. They were just handed to you. So that doesn't make you better than us. It makes you luckier than us.
- Kennedy: All I'm saying is now that Buffy's not here, we finally have some say in how and when we lose our necks.
- Robin: Maybe you don't have to be so blunt about the "losing of the necks" bit.
- Anya: Let the girl speak the truth. We're all on death's door, repeatedly ringing the doorbell, like maniacal Girl Scouts trying to make quota.
- Buffy: We were never close. You just wanted me because I was... unattainable.
- Spike: You think that's all that was?
- Buffy: Please, let's not go over the past.
- Spike: Oh, no, no! Oh, let's hold on here! I've hummed along to your pity ditty. I think I should have the mic for a bit.
- Buffy: Fine. The stage is yours. Cheer me up.
- Spike: You're insufferable.
- Buffy: Thank you. That really helped.
- Spike: I'm not tryin' to cheer you up.
- Buffy: Then what are you trying to say?
- Spike: I don't know! I'll know when I'm done sayin' it. Something pissed me off, and I just-- "unattainable," that's it.
- Buffy: Fine. I'm attainable. I'm a-- I'm an "attain-a-thon." May I please just go to sleep?
- Spike: You listen to me. I've been alive a bit longer than you, and dead a lot longer than that. I've seen things you couldn't imagine, and done things I prefer you didn't. Don't exactly have a reputation for being a thinker. I follow my blood... which doesn't exactly rush in the direction of my brain. So I make a lot of mistakes. A lot of wrong bloody calls. A hundred-plus years, and there's only one thing I've ever been sure of. You... Hey, look at me. I'm not asking you for anything. When I say I love you, it's not because I want you, or because I can't have you. It has nothing to do with me. I love what you are. What you do. How you try. I've seen your kindness, and your strength. I've seen the best and the worst of you, and I understand, with perfect clarity, exactly what you are. You're a hell of a woman. You're the One, Buffy.
- Buffy: I don't want to be the One.
- Spike: I don't want to be this good-looking and athletic. We all have crosses to bear.
- Robin: That's exactly what The First does. Finds your Achilles' heel.
- Faith: Nah, it just talked to me. What? It does a heel thing, too?
- Robin: It's a phrase. Your weak spot.
- Faith: Oh. The school thing. I was kind of absent that decade.
- Andrew: Hi, everybody. I missed you guys a lot. Sorry we took so long getting back from our mission... But we had to wait out the sun and, well, I think our mission went very well. We rode on Spike's hog, which was very cool, and played some amusing games and, oh, we got some information. But do you know what? I really need to urinate.
- The First (as Buffy): I envy them. Isn't that the strangest thing?
- Caleb: Well, it does throw me just a tad. I mean, they're barely more than animals. Feedin' off each other's flesh, it's nauseatin'. But you, you're everywhere. You're in the hearts of little children. You're in the souls of the rich. You're the fire that makes people kill and hate. The fire that will cure the world of weakness. They're just sinners. You are sin.
- The First (as Buffy): I do enjoy your sermons.
- Caleb: And you're in me. Gave me strength no man can have.
- The First (as Buffy): You're the only man strong enough to BE my vessel and I know you feel me, but... I know why they grab at each other. To feel. I want to feel. I want to wrap my hands around some innocent neck and feel it crack.
- Caleb: Amen.
- Buffy: I think it's maybe some kind of scythe. The only thing I know for sure is that it made Caleb back off in a hurry.
- Willow: [to Giles] So it's true. Scythe matters.
- Faith: There's only supposed to be one. Maybe that's why you and I can never get along. We're not supposed to exist together.
- Buffy: Also, you went evil and were killing people.
- Faith: Good point. Also a factor.
- Buffy: But you're right. I mean, like... I guess everyone's alone, but... being a Slayer? There's a burden we can't share.
- Faith: And no one else can feel it... Thank God we're hot chicks with superpowers.
- Buffy: Takes the edge off.
- Faith: [nods] Comforting.
- Anya: And they have no purpose that unites them, so they just drift around, blundering through life until they die, which they-they know is coming, yet every single one of them is surprised when it happens to them. They're incapable of thinking about what they want beyond the moment. They kill each other, which is clearly insane... and yet here's the thing. When it's something that really matters, they fight. I mean, they're lame morons for fighting, but they do! They never... they never quit. So I guess I'll keep fighting too.
- Andrew: That was kind of beautiful. You, you love humans.
- Anya: I do not.
- Andrew: Yes you do. [singing] You love them.
- Ancient Woman: You pulled it out of the rock. I was one of those who put it in there.
- Buffy: What is it?
- Ancient Woman: [admires the scythe] A weapon. A scythe. Forged in secrecy for one like you who... I'm sorry. What's your name?
- Buffy: Buffy.
- Ancient Woman: No, really. [Buffy shrugs] We forged it in secrecy and kept it hidden from the Shadow Men, who—
- Buffy: Yeah. Met those guys. Didn't really care too much for 'em.
- Ancient Woman: Ahh, yes, then you know. And they became the watchers. And the watchers watched the slayers. But we were watching them.
- Buffy: Oh! So you're like... what are you?
- Ancient Woman: Guardians. Women who want to help and protect you. We forged this centuries ago, halfway around the world.
- Buffy: Hence, the Luxor Casino theme.
- Ancient Woman: Forged there, it was put to use right here... to kill the last pure demon that walked upon the Earth. The rest were already driven under. And then there were men here, and then there were monks. And then there was a town, and now there was you. And the scythe remained hidden.
- Buffy: I don't understand. How is it possible that we didn't know any of this?
- Guardian: We hid, too. We had to, until now. We're the last surprise.
- Guardian: One way or another, it can only mean an end is truly near.
- Caleb: [grabs guardian's head from behind and snaps her neck] I'm sorry, I didn't quite catch that last part, on account of her neck snapping and all. Did she say the end is near, or here?
- Buffy: [about Spike] It's different. He's different. He has a soul now... What?
- Angel: That's great! Everyone's got a soul now.
- Buffy: He'll make a difference.
- Angel: You know, I started it. The whole having-a-soul. Before it was... all the cool new thing.
- Buffy: Oh my god, are you twelve?
- Angel: I'm getting the brush-off for Captain Peroxide. It doesn't necessarily bring out the champion in me.
- Buffy: You're not getting the brush off. Are you just gonna come here and go all Dawson on me every time I have a boyfriend?
- Angel: Aha! [points] Boyfriend!
- Willow: This goes beyond anything I've ever done. It's a total loss of control, and not in a nice, wholesome, my-girlfriend-has-a-pierced-tongue kind of way.
- Robin: Faith, there's a whole world out there that you don't even know about. And a lot of the men in it are pretty decent guys. They'd surprise you.
- Faith: Guy looks at me, let's just say his priorities... shift.
- Robin: Why? Because you're so hot?
- Faith: Is what it is, yo.
- Robin: Oh, please! I am so much prettier than you are. Oh, and, uh, for the record, our little encounter didn't exactly change my world.
- Faith: [stops grinning] You're trippin'! That was rock 'em, sock 'em!
- Robin: No, no, no, no! It was, it was nice enough, you know, and-and you're, you're very, um, um, enthused, and, I think with a little more experience, you—
- Faith: Dude, I got mad skills!
- Robin: Yeah, of course. Let's finish up.
- Faith: [taking off her belt] Oh, hell with that! We're going again, baby. You're gonna learn a little respect here, pal.
- Robin: Faith, [laughs] make me a deal, all right? We live through this, you give me the chance to surprise you.
- Faith: What would be the surprise?
- Robin: You... do know the meaning of the word, right?
- Faith: Fine. Deal.
- Robin: Good enough. [goes back to work]
- Faith: No way you're prettier than me.
- Robin: Little bit, yeah.
- Buffy: I hate this. I hate being here. I hate that you have to be here. I hate that there's evil, and that I was chosen to fight it. I wish a whole lot of the time that I hadn't been. I know a lot of you wish I hadn't been either. This isn't about wishes. This is about choices. I believe we can beat this evil. Not when it comes. Not when its army is ready. Now. Tomorrow morning, I'm opening the Seal. I'm going down into the Hellmouth, and I am finishing this once and for all. Right now you're asking yourself what makes this different. What makes us anything more than a bunch of girls being picked off one by one? It's true. None of you have the power that Faith and I do. So here's the part where you make a choice. What if you could have that power, now? In every generation, one Slayer is born, because a bunch of men who died thousands of years ago made up that rule. They were powerful men. [points to Willow] This woman... is more powerful than all of them combined. [Willow whimpers] So I say we change the rule. I say my power, should be our power. Tomorrow, Willow will use the essence of the Scythe to change our destiny. From now on, every girl in the world who might be a Slayer, will be a Slayer. Every girl who could have the power, will have the power. Can stand up, will stand up. Slayers. Every one of us. Make your choice. Are you ready to be strong?
- Spike: Gotta move, lamb. I think it's fair to say school's out for bloody summer.
- Buffy: Spike!
- Spike: I mean it! I gotta do this.
- [Buffy laces her fingers through Spike's, and they burst into flame together]
- Buffy: [earnestly] I love you.
- Spike: No, you don't. But thanks for saying it. Now go! I wanna see how this ends.
- Faith: Looks like the Hellmouth is officially closed for business.
- Giles: There's another one in Cleveland, not to spoil the moment.
- Xander: We saved the world.
- Willow: We changed the world. I can feel them, Buffy. All over. Slayers are awakening everywhere.
- Dawn: We'll have to find them.
- Willow: We will.
- Giles: Yes, because the mall was actually in Sunnydale, so there's no hope of going there tomorrow.
- Dawn: We destroyed the mall? I fought on the wrong side.
- Xander: All those shops gone. The Gap, Starbucks, Toys "R" Us. Who will remember all those landmarks unless we tell the world of them?
- Giles: We have a lot of work ahead of us.
- Faith: Can I push him in?
- Willow: You've got my vote.
- Faith: I just want to sleep, yo. For like a week.
- Dawn: I guess we all could, if we wanted to.
- Willow: Yeah. The First is scrunched, so... What do you think we should do, Buffy?
- Faith: Yeah, you're not the one and only Chosen anymore. Just gotta live like a person. How's that feel?
- Dawn: Yeah, Buffy. What are we gonna do now?
- [Buffy begins to flash a happy smile]
See also
[edit]About Buffy the Vampire Slayer
[edit]- Gets to have sex with boys and still kill the monster.
- Middleton, Jason (2007). "Buffy as Femme Fatale: The Cult Heroine and the Male Spectator". In Levine, Elana; Parks, Lisa. Undead TV. Duke University Press. ISBN 978-0-8223-4043-0.
External links
[edit]
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