Dharma & Greg

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Dharma & Greg (1997-2002) was an American sitcom about a mismatched married couple. It starred Jenna Elfman and Thomas Gibson in the title roles. In April 2002, ABC ended the series after 5 seasons.

Season 1 (1997-1998)[edit]

Pilot [1.1][edit]

[First lines in the series]
Young Dharma: Leo, Sagittarius, and Aries.
Abby O'Neil: Very good. Now the water signs.
Young Dharma: Pisces, Scorpio... Abby, look. Policemen.
Larry Finkelstein: And what do we say to policemen?
Young Dharma: I have a Fourth Amendment right prohibiting you from conducting an unreasonable search.
Larry Finkelstein: [offering her the "down low" hand slap] Yeah. Give me some skin.

And The In-Laws Meet [1.2][edit]

Greg: It's raining. We're not going to sleep in the rain, are we?
Dharma: No, silly, you don't sleep in the rain. You make love in the rain.
Greg: Ah. What if there's lightning?
Dharma: Then you get to be on top.

Dharma: He acted this way when I wanted to be a Girl Scout.
Larry: It's a para-military organization with cookies.

Larry: Next thing you know, she'll get a social security number.
Dharma: I got one.
Larry: What? Why?
Dharma: I opened a checking account.
Larry: Are you insane? You're on the grid now. They can find you anywhere.
Greg: Who's "they"?
Larry: You.

Shower The People You Love With Love [1.3][edit]

And Then There's The Wedding [1.4][edit]

[Before Dharma and Greg's wedding]
Dharma: Can you see me?
Greg: Yes.
Dharma: Oh, I totally misunderstood that groom-can't-see-the-bride-in-her-wedding-dress-thing.
[Kitty comes in]
Kitty: What are you doing here? You can't see her in her dress!
Dharma: See, that's what I thought!

Abby: Larry, did you eat meat?
Larry: No.
Abby: You ate meat. I can smell it.
Larry: That's my tongue. It's made of meat.

Kitty: Look! Look at these! They're awful!
Edward: They're just flowers. Nobody cares.
Kitty: And by "nobody", you mean "you".
Edward: Yes.
Kitty: Well, let me tell you something, Edward. Everybody cares. And by "everybody" I mean "me". I care, Edward. That is my job in this family. I care. I care at every Christmas dinner. I care at every business function. I care everytime that maid puts a meal down in front of you. And for some reason or other, you don't seem to notice.
Edward: All right, all right. Here's the checkbook.
Kitty: Thank you, Thank you, Edward. I will tuck this away in the gaping void that was once my soul.
Edward: Don't lose the pen this time.

The Ex-Files [1.5][edit]

Yoga and Boo Boo [1.6][edit]

Indian Summer [1.7][edit]

He Ain't Heavy, He's My Father [1.9][edit]

The First Thanksgiving [1.10][edit]

Kitty: Oh, Gregory, darling, every bride thinks she wants to cook a Thanksgiving dinner and it always ends up the same. Someone cries, someone is rushed to the emergency room and a perfectly lovely bird gets wasted. Which, if I don't eat soon, will be me.
Dharma: Kitty where's the potato masher
Kitty: I told you I gave her the day off

Instant Dharma [1.11][edit]

Haus Arrest [1.12][edit]

You Want Fries With That? [1.13][edit]

Old Yeller [1.14][edit]

Dharma: Honey.. I love you, but bite me.

The Second Coming Of Leonard [1.15][edit]

Dharma & Greg's First Romantic Valentine's Day Weekend [1.16][edit]

The Official Dharma & Greg Episode Of The 1998 Winter Olympics [1.17][edit]

Daughter Of The Bride Of Finkelstein [1.18][edit]

Dharma's Tangled Web [1.19][edit]

The Cat's Out Of The Bag [1.20][edit]

Dharma: What's going on?
Greg: Well there is no pretty way to say this but my father picked up a woman who robbed him and left him tied to a bed in a hotel room...
Pete: Hey buddy, take it easy on him it can be pretty upsetting the first time.

Kitty: (Reads Fortune Cookie) True wealth is measured in friendships. Oh nonsense

Spring Forward, Fall Down [1.21][edit]

Much Ado During Nothing [1.22][edit]

Kitty: What is it ?
Greg: It's a duck.
Ed: That's not a duck, it's a goose.
Dharma: Yes, but captain, my captain, goose does not rhyme...

Invasion Of The Buddy Snatcher [1.23][edit]

Roger: Dharma do you have anything for a headache ?
Dharma: Why what's the matter ?
Roger: I have a headache...
Dharma: Well Roger that's just a symptom, I mean usually there is an emotional problem that goes along with a physical illness...
Roger: Yeah, aspirin, ibuprofen...
Dharma: Loneliness, depression, anger...
Pete: So it doesn't bother you that your wife is talking to Stuart about his...well you know ?
Greg: You can say impotence.
Pete: No you can't ! Cause if you say it, you think it and if you think it you got it !

Larry: I can not endorse by my actions any system that places one human being in servitude to an other.

Season 2 (1998-1999)[edit]

Ringing Up Baby [2.1][edit]

Greg: Pete, she's having a baby !
Pete: Yeah but she's giving it to you !
Greg: No, she's not !
Pete: Hey how long after they have the kid do they keep making milk ?
Greg: Seek professional help you are ill.

Greg: We'll get her things and we'll go to the hospital.
Dharma: Why she's not sick ?!
Greg: Dharma, people have babies in hospitals
Dharma: Yeah, I know isn't it horrible ?

Kitty: You're not going to take this girl to a hospital ?
Aby: Why, she's not sick !
Greg: Mother, maybe you could give her a hand ?
Kitty: Oh I don't know anything about childbirth !
Greg: What do you mean, you had me ?
Kitty: Oh Gregory don't be vulgar !

It Takes a Village [2.2][edit]

Greg: Who are all this people ?
Abby: Oh they're gonna help us with the baby.
Greg: Why ?
Dharma: Because it takes a village to raise a child Greg.
Greg: It does ?

Kitty: And, I realised that my true destiny was to be the matriarch of a large powerfull family. Like the Kennedys. But not catholic.
Dharma: So why didn't you had a lot of kids ?
Kitty: I couldn't have any more after Gregory
Dharma: Oh really I'm sorry... Why ?
Kitty: It hurt too bad.

Turn Turn Turn [2.3][edit]

Kitty: Edward tell him.
Edward: What happened to "shut up and drive"?

Kitty: Oh please ! You mean your gonna get my grandson drunk and perform a surgery on him in the living room ?
Abby: You know, look frankly, Kitty I don't believe in circumcision either, but when it comes to penises Larry is very Jewish.

Dharma: Picture how incredible would have been high school if your mother had sat you down and taught you how to please a woman ?
Greg: Thanks for that picture honey I may never have sex again...

The Paper Hat Anniversary [2.4][edit]

Unarmed and Dangerous [2.5][edit]

A Closet Full of Hell [2.6][edit]

Valet Girl [2.7][edit]

Like, Dharma's Totally Got a Date [2.8][edit]

Brought to You in DharmaVision [2.9][edit]

Yes, We Have No Bananas (or Anything Else for That Matter) [2.10][edit]

The House That Dharma Built [2.11][edit]

Are You Ready for Some Football? [2.12][edit]

Death and Violins [2.13][edit]

Dharma and Greg on a Hot Tin Roof [2.14][edit]

Dharma and the Horse She Rode In On [2.15][edit]

See Dharma Run [2.16][edit]

Greg: Are you sure you're ok ?
Pete: Yeah, I'm fine...
Greg: What's going on with you and that girl, what's her name, Eileene ?
Pete: There is no Eileen... I made her up
Greg: But... You said you met her parents, and that they hated you ?
Pete: They would have...

Jane: What's new?
Pete: My life is empty and has no meaning.
Jane: I asked you what's new.

Larry: Don't touch their money Dharma, it's a deal with the devil.
Kitty: Are you calling us the devil ?
Larry: You only want her elected so she'll wage war to support your military-industrial complex !
Greg: San Francisco Board of Supervisors does not wage war...
Larry: Of course not, they send the young boys ! Where have all the flowers gone, answer me that !
Ed: You smoked them, Finklestein.

Run, Dharma, Run [2.17][edit]

See Dharma Run Amok [2.18][edit]

Everybody Must Get Stones [2.19][edit]

Dharma Drags Edward Out of Retirement [2.20][edit]

It Never Happened One Night [2.21][edit]

Bed, Bath and Beyond [2.22][edit]

A Girl Can Dream, Can't She? [2.23][edit]

The Dating Game [2.24][edit]

Season 3 (1999-2000)[edit]

Season 4 (2000-2001)[edit]

Season 5 (2001-2002)[edit]

The Mamas and the Papas [5.23/24][edit]

[Last lines in the series]


External links[edit]

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