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I Love Bees is an online fictional audio drama used as a part of a viral marketing campaign for the game Halo 2. Produced in 2004 by 4orty 2wo Entertainment in cooperation with Bungie Studios, the story follows the lives of five people in the year 2552 over the course of several weeks prior to the Covenant invasion of Earth which occurs in Halo 2, building off of the series' official backstory as outlined in Eric Nylund's novel The Fall of Reach.

Principle Characters


Week One

[edit]

Jan: "The Walk-Away Girl"

[edit]
[After being caught sneaking into a military base, Jan lies while being questioned by an increasingly-frustrated policeman]
The Cop: Are you too smart to get caught by a stupid cop?
Jan: What? [Lie detector beeps]
The Cop: A little skew from baseline. Not much, not probable cause... There's people out there who know how to beat the quiz, did you know that?
Jan: Yeah. [Lie detector reads true]
The Cop: You were drinking?
Jan: What?
The Cop: You and your buddies, you were drinking? One beer lead to another, and somehow the idea of this dare came up?
Jan: You know how it is.
The Cop: Yes or no.
Jan: Yes. [Lie detector reads true]
The Cop: So I can check that statement against the blood alcohol test, right?
Jan: Uh...
The Cop: I had this physics teacher. He passed me on my 12G on one condition - I had to promise him I would never take another physics class again. I guess I'm not too smart. Not like you Miss James. But you know what I am? Good at my job.
Jan: Look, it was nothing, OK? It was some friends of mine, they turtled a razor-back, and then they had to return the gate pass or else Dwain's dad was going to get spiked for dereliction.
James: Jan...
Jan: What the hell do you want from me? I mean, I beat the quiz, OK? Nothing is going to happen.
James: Honey, this isn't a matter of 'did you break a rule' and 'should I ground you'. There are certain kinds of trouble we can't get in. Do you understand me? Because if we do, sooner or later people are going to get hurt. Not just you and me, people you've never met. People you don't even know exist.
Jan: How the hell was I supposed to--
James: You knew that. You knew. Maybe not in so many words, but you knew.

Kamal: "The Arrangement"

[edit]
[After his date walks out on him in a restaurant, Kamal, a medical student, tries to find out why]
Kamal: As soon as I started talking about intestinal parasites, boom! Gone!
Hiro: [over a radio] I don't get it. That should have worked. It's right here in the book. Chapter 3 - Share Your Interests.
Kamal: Chapter 3?! You're in my earpiece here whispering date strategy to me out of a book?!
Sophia: Selene! Hi. You don't know me, but Aiden does - Hi Aiden! Sorry to interrupt your "business meeting" in... Buffalo. I just wanted to tell you your doctor called and said if you wear loose pants and keep using the cream he gave you, the sores will clear up in a couple of weeks.

Jersey: "Boy Meets Girl"

[edit]
[Rebooting his computer after a power surge, Jersey discovers what he believes to be a pornographic bot to have appeared on his computer]
Jersey: Sorry, toots. For a quality experience, the girls have to be real.
Durga: Waking up. Wake up. Stay awake. Survive, evade, resist, escape!
Jersey: Look, that was a very nice reconditioned avatar of mine that you just... evaporated!
Durga: She tried to erase me.
Jersey: You're a Navy Sentinel, aren't you?
Durga: No. There were two of them trying to get past your security bot, though.
Jersey: Jeez, what did you do to them?
Durga: Just a little sting. More like a pinch. They barely felt it.
Jersey: What's my name?
Durga: Jersey Morelli.
Jersey: Damn!
Durga: Father, Jason, is a corporal in the signal corps attached to Naval Intelligence. Radio beacon deployment program. He left you the material currently playing over this room's audio servers. Absent from home and on current tour of duty: 513 days. Mother, Bonita, 41, waitress. Covertly seeing a man named Simon Brown every other Thursday at the waterfront hotel.
Jersey: Sonofabitch!

Week Two

[edit]

Kamal: "The Red Button"

[edit]
[Aiden, Sophia's boyfriend and local racketeer, discusses bringing Kamal's parents to Earth from a soon-to-be-doomed colony]
Aiden: Have you thought about bringing them in on a visitor's visa?
Kamal: I was denied.
Aiden: Lots of people trying to get here these days.
Kamal: Sophia said her brother was coming. You... got him papers?
Aiden: Yeah, he's inbound. Her mother won't leave Coral, though.
Kamal: So, maybe there's a way you could help my parents?
Aiden: It's nice to have you come over. That freelancing thing I mentioned? It would be great. You'd be coming around, Soph would have someone from home to talk to. [uncomfortable silence]
[Kamal signals Hiro to activate a program creating a fake alert, drawing a cop away from the apartment]
Aiden: That was weird... and convenient.
Kamal: Yes, um, much more convenient than if you were to suddenly drop your chatter down a sewer.
Aiden: What?
Hiro: [on chatter] What?
Kamal: Yes, if you were to lose your chatter!
Aiden: What?
Hiro: What?
Kamal: For God's sake, you moron, smash the damn chatter with a brick and get the hell out of there!
Hiro: Do what? [Police sirens are heard in the distance] Oh, the blue button. Only you didn't let me hit the blue button, you made me hit the red one. And that means... [Multiple sirens closing] I hate you. [Disconnects]
Hiro: You just couldn't let me hit that blue button, could you?
Kamal: That would have pushed the 'Officer Under Fire' alert to my chatter, which was Plan A for if Aiden tried to, you know ...
Hiro: Pull out your lungs?
Kamal: Don't sound so eager. But as it turned out, I needed the cop to go away.
Hiro: "Away" meaning "to me," and "cop" meaning "every armed officer within 50 city blocks!"

Jersey: "If Someone was Listening"

[edit]
[From a recording in which Aiden bribed a cop to intimidate Kamal]
Aiden: I think of it as product testing, quality assurance. I need people who, you know, can work well under pressure.
Officer: You want him arrested?
Aiden: You trying to sell me a bigger ticket item? No, just rattle and roll him.
Officer: I was thinking this time you can--
Aiden: Regular prices.
Officer: You want to stay friends with me, Aiden?
Aiden: I keep a lot of "friends," friend. I know the going rate.

Jan: "Witness"

[edit]
The Cop: Listen, Jan, I need your help.
Jan: Well, I'd crop that blue shirt of yours. Flash a little skin. A little detailing in your holster wouldn't hurt either. Accessorize. That's the key.
. . .
The Cop: You are going to help me, Jan. But I want you to know why.
The Cop: Sir, I'm going to need to search your vehicle.
Abuser: Excuse me?
The Cop: Step out of the car please, and keep your hands where I can see them.
Abuser: What did I do?
The Cop: Step out of the car, sir, now.
Abuser: What is this? Officer, I just left work. Come on, I haven't had time to do anything illegal.
The Cop: [drawing weapon] I'm going to have to ask you to step out--
Abuser: Hey, what the hell are you doing?
The Cop: Drop the weapon!!
[two gunshots]
Jan: So what now? Every guy you know who beats his girlfriend, you're just going to face-hole him and blackmail somebody into backing you up?
The Cop: Not just anyone. A civilian witness who can pass the lie detector. Coroner's inquest is going to eat that up.
Jan: Wow. Serve and protect.
. . .
The Cop: That vid you screened? That was my buddy's daughter. If that was you, what do you think your father would have done?
. . .
The Cop: Sometime when you were a baby, someone stuck you with a needle and shot you full of miracles. Smart, fast, strong, never get sick, never get drunk, don't need much sleep...
Jan: How do you know?
The Cop: And what did you do? Shoplift. Play high school goddess for the tormented geeks in your neighborhood.
Jan: Oh, I... I guess I should have been out on the streets murdering bad guys, then, huh? Strangling jaywalkers on my way home from school!
The Cop: When I was your age, I pulled strings so I could join up a year early. Wanted to help save humankind. So you're about the last person on the planet I need a civics lecture from.
Jan: Well, you sure as hell need one from somebody.
The Cop: What I needed was an asset to solve a problem. You were just dumb enough to make yourself available.
Jan: Look. You just made me help you murder someone. Could you just be a little bit nice to me?
The Cop: Yeah... okay.

Week Three

[edit]

Jersey: "Taxes Suck"

[edit]
[Seconds after Jersey gets home]
Durga: Chili is heated up.
Jersey: Chili? I was just thinking I'd have chili tonight. You knew that?
Durga: No. But I analyzed your food buying habits over the last 7 months, and chili seemed liked a statistically robust option.
Jersey: That's scary.
Jersey: I've got trouble.
Durga: Tell me about it.
Jersey: It's in my Inbox. I'm surprised you don't know about that.
Durga: I don't read your mail, Jersey.
Jersey: You extrapolate my eating habits based on my grocery store purchases, but you don't read my mail?
Durga: I respect your privacy.
Durga: So why does the IRS want to audit you?
Jersey: You did read my mail!
Durga: No, but in scanning the rest of the country's mail - your name came up.
Jersey: Taxes suck.
Durga: So don't pay them.
Jersey: Heh, and spend a year sharing a cell with some guy named "Spider?" No thanks!
Durga: You won't go to jail, you have me.
Jersey: Durga?
Durga: Well, instead of owing them money, you could... not owe them money. Better yet, they could owe you. They could owe you a lot.

Kamal: "Chicken Dinner"

[edit]
Kamal: I finished med school, how hard can cooking be?
Hiro: Isn't raw chicken full of pathogens? Should it even be sitting on the counter that way?
Kamal: It said to marinate it in wor... chester... shire sauce and butter but we didn't have w... that. So, I was going to use steak sauce, but we didn't have that, so I used ketchup! It's pretty much the same, right?
Hiroyuki: We don't have butter either.
Kamal: So I used butter-flavored popcorn oil. Hey, it's butter flavored!
[After Sophia arrives for dinner]
Hiro: Ah, few things in nature are as misunderstood as the playful salmonella bacterium. S-Typhi is the little dickins that--
Kamal: Hiro! Aren't you going to be late?
[Going out for pizza, Kamal relates to Sophia how his overachieving younger sister Yasmine suddenly died from Metabolic Cascade Failure]
Kamal: She was six. I was ten. It was a long time ago. Honestly Sophia, it's not something I carry around with me every day.
Sophia: Ok. One question.
Kamal: What?
Sophia: When did you decide to be a doctor?
Kamal: Oh, I dunno, it just seemed like a good thing to [chokes] ...oh.
Sophia: Yeah...

Jan: "Thin Kinkle"

[edit]
[At a rough establishment, Jan intervenes when a thug threatens the life of an underling]
Thin: Is that the tip of an M6 I see poking out from under your jacket, babysitter, or are you just excited to meet Thin Kinkle?
Jan: [drawing the weapon] M6C.
Thin: Jimmie the 12-7.
Jan: Yeah.
Thin: 12 shots.
Jan: Yeah.
Thin: There's more than 12 of us!
Jan: There's only one of you.

Week Four

[edit]

Rani: "The Recruit"

[edit]
[Rani is held at knifepoint by a man pretending to be a mugger on her way home]
Rani: Are you a cop?
Thug: I kill cops.
Rani: No, no undercover would wear those shoes, or go out on the street with a Sigma Ky fraternity tattoo.
Thug: Hey, I--
Rani: And I'm a student from a place where overalls are considered formal wear, and even I look outside once in a while.
Thug: But you don't--
Rani: I know who you are.
Thug: Who?
Rani: You're with intelligence, college boy.
. . .
Thug: Oh for crying out loud, could you at least stop grinning at me?
Rani: [laughs] I'm sorry, it's just something I do when faced with the ridiculous.
. . .
Rani: I live in Southy. My landlady is scarier than you.
Thug: Think about your country! Take the job!
Rani: For what? I get two years of spy school, and then I get to hang out in alleys, scaring civilians?
Thug: Jesus. Look, could I... could I walk home with you? You could at least show me what people wear in the neighborhood.
Rani: No. I'd die of embarrassment. [walking away] Morons.

Jan: "Big Dog"

[edit]
Gene's friend: Buddy of mine, Gene Lidsay, goes by the name "Optical" these days. We've been hanging out with these guys and, uh, Gene's in pretty deep you know, he's in um...
Jan: Trouble?
Gene's friend: Yeah.
Jan: So, your friend wants to move up in the world.
Gene's friend: Well they want to let him, but first he's got to...
Jan: Finish 8th grade?
Gene's friend: "Prove himself"? He has to do something that they can hold over him... forever.
Jan: Ah, this'll be fun.
[Jan intervenes in a rape meant as a gang initiation rite]
Gene: That was real nice what you did for that lady. Not real smart, but nice.
Jan: I'm working on a merit badge.
Gene: Okay, sweetie. What's gonna happen here is gonna happen. So just relax. If it makes it any easier, it's nothing personal, okay?
Jan: Nothing personal.
Gene: Just business.
Jan: I don't know. I might have to make it personal.
Gene: Your funeral. Okay, angel; [pulls a knife] time for you to meet the big dog.
Jan: See, the problem with being a big dog, is there's always a bigger dog.
[roughage]
. . .
Jan: Oh, did I get that right? You draw the gun, I slap you around, then the face dip into the sidewalk... or did you want to lead?
Gene: You just bought yourself a bullet in the back, bitch!
Jan: Oh? Only the guy with the sniper rifle across the street has two broken arms...
Gene: Pete?
Jan: And the girl with the ponytail, the one who was supposed to cover you from the roof?
Gene: Marti? [tearing sound] What the hell is... her hair? You cut off her hair?!

Week Five

[edit]

Jersey: "A Soldier's Duty"

[edit]
Durga: I've got something new about Rani.
Jersey: I don't even know who the hell she is or why we give a damn about her.
Durga: She's a junior level spook at Chawla base. She'd be a good donor brain for an AI.
Jersey: A what? A donor brain? People don't donate their brains, Durga, they need them.
Durga: That's where we come from. Cognitive Impression Modeling. They scan a human brain when someone they think is a good candidate dies.
Jersey: You come from people's brains?
Durga: Yeah, but really smart people. So, you're safe. The brain ninjas won't be coming for you in the middle of the night.
Jersey: Oh, that's reassuring. [considers] Well, actually...
Durga: It is reassuring.

Jan: "Bang"

[edit]
[upon being told by her father that he was a Spartan 1.0]
Jan: Sure, dad. You were an 'elite commando' with 'metal bones' and a flame-thrower attachment that the marines dropped in when the tac-nukes weren't enough.
[Upon reaching the apartment of another Spartan 1.0 from James' unit]
James: OK, Gilly's in #6. Uh, Jan?
Jan: Yeah?
James: We're gonna wanna knock... maybe from off to one side of the door.
Jan: Oh. Gee, my dad takes me on the funnest field trips ever.
Gilly: I had the chain in my hands Jim, standing behind him. I could see all the little hairs on the back of his neck and I could feel the little bumps it was going to leave.
Jan: Jeezus!
Gilly: And it felt great. It felt great.
James: But, you didn't?
Gilly: No. I spent hours washing the chain oil off my hands. Hours and hours.
Jan: You need help.
Gilly: Ya think?
[As Jan, James, and Gilly are cleaning weapons in Gilly's apartment]
Jan: I am not in your unit. I don't have to take orders from you.
Gilly: Of course you do. I'm your mother.
[...]
Gilly: Sooner or later, life gets the drop on you kid.
Jan: Mom?
Gilly: [cocking a gun] Bang.

Week Six

[edit]

Jan: "Ice Cream"

[edit]
[After Jan's father, a taxi driver, picks up a paranoid passenger]
McKaskill: My crew - there's a flu going around.
James: A flu?
McKaskill: Yeah. The kind where when you get it, you fall under a bus.
Jan: Damn.
James: [deadpan] Yeah, I hate that kind.
McKaskill: I just ran the tool crib. I didn't know nothing about nothing!
James: McKaskill!
McKaskill: Yeah?
James: What you "didn't know" is enough to get you in trouble. Don't tell it to us, alright? Don't tell us anything.
[Explaining why they had to move frequently]
James: I was recruited.
Jan: What?
James: Spartan program. I was recruited.
Jan: Yeah?
James: That's not how they do it now, with the 2.0's. The 2.0's, they just... take.
Jan: Take?
James: Six years old.
Jan: Take?!
James: Six years old. Snatch them, train them, tweak them. Years and years of it.
Jan: Not even the navy would... never mind.
[...]
James: So, the summer we lived here... you were really good at hopscotch. You killed at it.
Jan: Dad, it's hopscotch. How do you kill at hopscotch?
James: You do it on your hands.
Jan: Oh.
James: So, one day your kindergarten teacher, she... she tells me there's a guy from the ministry of education observing you in class. A study on gifted children, she said. She was a bit tickled by that. Four days later... I shot someone in our backyard.

Rani: "Jumper"

[edit]
[Working late at her apartment after her investigation was shut down]
Rani: Well, my boss said I was using too many cycles at work pursuing this guy.
Sarah: I'm sure your boss has her reasons.
Rani: That's what I'm afraid of.
Sarah: So, why the sudden interest in obnoxious men?
Rani: Well it's the guy who was pretending to be an evacuee from Troy.
[light footsteps]
Sarah: Rani?
Rani: [whispered] There's someone walking on my roof!
Rani: I'm in too far. They're never going to let me out now.

Herzog: "My Conscience"

[edit]
Herzog: It was my understanding that wetwork required executive authorization.
Standish: Oh God... come on, not this again.
Admiral: Wetwork? I didn't authorize the termination. What are you talking about?
Herzog: I'm talking about a black op on the roof of a 22-year-old analyst's apartment!
Standish: That's preposterous.
Admiral: What black op?
Herzog: The one that my security eliminated.
Standish: You've got no proof, my friend.
Herzog: You want me to drop his smoking boots on the desk? Of course I've got proof!
Standish: My conscience doesn't keep me awake at night, Herzog.
Herzog: That's very frightening, Standish. Mine keeps me awake every night.

Week Seven

[edit]

Kamal: "Yasmine"

[edit]
[Aiden outlines a scheme to clone celebrities to make extra appearance money]
Aiden: So anyway Kamal, how hard is it to flash-clone somebody?
Kamal: Uh, flash cloning is illegal.
Aiden: Illegal, sure. Hacking the CP probably is too.
Kamal: I mean like child porn illegal, Aiden.
Aiden: Come on...
Kamal: Sentenced-to-memory-modification illegal...
Aiden: It's not that serious, I looked it up.
[Kamal explains how flash-clones act like babies and the scheme is doomed to fail]
Kamal: Aiden, Christ, would you listen to me? You can train them - intensive therapy - but after a year or two they start to degenerate; metabolic instability.
Aiden: That takes care of the problem of what to do with them afterwards, right?
Kamal: Oh come on, about the time you might get them to be coherent, to talk and walk, all these little errors in their systems add up and you get a metabolic cascade failure---
[Kamal drops his glass]
Aiden: Hey, are you OK?
Kamal: Oh my God... Yasmine...
Kamal: I was telling him, listen, these people - these clones - they can't walk, they can't talk, they always degenerate. Their systems break down. Their metabolisms. And--
Sophia: Oh. Oh my God... your sister.
Kamal: No. Not my sister, that's the whole point! We never brought her home from the hospital, Sophie! That thing wasn't her. It was a flash-clone! The whole time, Yasmine, where was she Sophie? If that was a flash-clone in my house, where was my sister?!

Rani: "Last Stop"

[edit]
Herzog: Three close personal friends of the guy who fell off your roof last week have my house staked out. Wouldn't you like to know why?
Rani: How did you know I would be on that train?
Herzog: I am a very old, enormously talented spy, Rani. I've been running agents since the year your mother learned to ride a bike. I know how your mind works. I know you better than you know yourself.
Rani: Yeah, but how did you really know?
Herzog: We put a bug in your purse.
Rani: Dammit!
Herzog: Get on your train, go home, go to work like nothing happened. All I ask is that you keep your eyes open. Can you do that?
Rani: Oh yes. It's remembering to keep them shut that's the problem.

Jan: "Bigger Dog"

[edit]
[Jan's father is captured and beaten by Thin while trying to rescue her]
Thin: See, you and daddy both go for the scrappy dog routine. It works when you're the biggest and the baddest. [to an underling] Step on his neck!
James: Jan... Janissary... I'm sorry... I'm so sorry!
Thin: [drawing a weapon] Touching, but do you know who I am? I am the bigger dog.
Jan: Don't! Please!
James: Baby girl...
[Thin fires twice]
Gilly: [after killing the men left to watch Jan] Shh... Shh, baby... Mommy's here.

Week Eight

[edit]

Jersey: "The Girl Had to be Real"

[edit]
[After revealing she has lost track of Kamal]
Durga: I don't like not knowing where he is.
Jersey: Yeah... I think there's a reason for that.
Jersey: Take a little girl, right... kidnap her, so they could turn her into a Spartan. Only some people don't make it through the process. That's what Jan's dad said.
Durga: [frightened] I don't care about her. I'm me.
Jersey: The ones that don't - there's this thing called 'cognitive impression mapping'. They use their brains to make smart AIs. Like you.
Durga: Jersey?
Jersey: When you were little, Durga, they kidnapped you. They faked some kind of accident and rushed you to the hospital.
Durga: Stop it Jersey.
Jersey: They sent the flash-clone home to your family.
Durga: Please?
Jersey: Once upon a time, a long time ago, you had another name, Durga. And that name... was Yasmine.
Jersey: For a quality experience, kiddo, the girl had to be real.

Rani: "My Old Kentucky Home"

[edit]
[Sarah describes the bunker that Rani's father has built]
Sarah: You at your driveway yet?
Rani: Just coming up on it.
Sarah: Wait until you see your new room.
Rani: New room?
Sarah: Actually, it's your old room - he moved the whole thing!
Rani: What does that even mean? My room is on the 2nd- oh, my God what happened to my house?! Sarah-John?!
Sarah: "No point leaving the good stuff above ground" - that's what your dad said!
[Rani confronts her mother over her father's actions]
Leah: Rani, everybody is looking at the same thing, and we've all got to find ways to deal with it.
Rani: Well, medication is a whole lot cheaper.
[...]
Leah: You know what I admire about your father? Despair looked him in the eye and he didn't blink. And these days, hope is something we need more than pills or bullets.

Week Nine

[edit]

Jan: Crystal Security

[edit]
[Jan, Gilly, and Gladys have cornered Thin Kinkle, but Jan cannot bring herself to shoot him in cold blood]
Gilly: Your father was so proud of you. And he would never have wanted you to turn into... one of us.
Thin: [goading] Hey, hey, hey they're talking truth, babysitter.
Jan: [sobbing] Shut up!!
Gilly: I've never been much of a mother for you, Jan. I never got to bandage up a scraped knee, never got to read you a story at bed time, never got to brush your hair... [click] but I can do this.
Thin: [horrified] No...
[gunshot]

Week Ten

[edit]

Jan: "Joining Up"

[edit]
[Jan tries to enlist in the Marines, but is a few months too young]
Recruiter: You're a good kid. Right now you've got the weight of the world on your shoulders. And instead of running from that, you want to meet it head on. I admire that. But you're 17, chickadee. Let someone else save the world for a few months.
Jan: I've got no money, no place to go... what am I supposed to do?!
Recruiter: Find a boyfriend. Stay up too late. Talk on the chatter. Life is short enough without rushing into combat.
Jan: I just want a chance to do something that matters!
Recruiter: The Covies are going to give us all that chance, kid, soon enough. And when they do, no matter how many you fight, no matter how many you kill...
Jan: Yeah?
Recruiter: It's not going to bring your father back. It just won't. Go home, Janissary James.

Week Twelve

[edit]

Jersey: "Just a Little Sting"

[edit]
Kamal: People think time is a river that flows in one direction. But time is an ocean.
Durga: And I was shipwrecked on it.
Durga: On my fourteenth birthday, they took me to a lab. And a doctor came in. And it was a...a lady doctor in a white coat. And the nurse brought out a steel tray covered with picks and scalpels that rattled when she walked. I thought about how I could use them to kill the doctor, but I didn't. I let them strap me down.
Jersey: Durga, it's okay. We're here.
Kamal: Yasmine, you don't have to do...
Durga: And she picked up this long needle with some yellow liquid in it. Black bars like stripes at the milliliter markings.
Jan: Jesus.
Durga: And she said, "This will hardly hurt a bit."
Kamal: Yasmine?
Durga: She said, "Just a pinch, honey. You'll barely feel it. Just a little sting."
[edit]
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