Hogan's Heroes was an American television situation comedy that ran from September 17, 1965 to July 4, 1971 on the CBS network for 168 episodes. Starring Bob Crane as Colonel Robert Hogan, the show was set in a German prisoner of war (POW) camp for Western Allied prisoners during World War II.
- 1 Season 1
- 1.1 Hold That Tiger [1.02]
- 1.2 Kommandant of the Year [1.03]
- 1.3 The Late Inspector General [1.04]
- 1.4 The Flight of the Valkyrie [1.05]
- 1.5 The Prisoner's Prisoner [1.06]
- 1.6 German Bridge is Falling Down [1.07]
- 1.7 Movies Are Your Best Escape [1.08]
- 1.8 Go Light on the Heavy Water [1.09]
- 1.9 Top Hat, White Tie and Bomb Sight [1.10]
- 1.10 Happiness is a Warm Sergeant [1.11]
- 1.11 The Scientist [1.12]
- 1.12 Hogan's Hofbrau [1.13]
- 1.13 Oil For The Lamps Of Hogan [1.14]
- 1.14 Reservations Are Required [1.15]
- 1.15 Anchors Aweigh, Men Of Stalag 13 [1.16]
- 1.16 Happy Birthday, Adolf [1.17]
- 1.17 The Gold Rush [1.18]
- 1.18 Hello, Zolle [1.19]
- 1.19 It Takes A Thief...Sometimes [1.20]
- 1.20 The Great Impersonation [1.21]
- 1.21 The Pizza Parlor [1.22]
- 1.22 The 43rd, A Moving Story [1.23]
- 1.23 How to Cook A German Goose With Radar [1.24]
- 1.24 Psychic Kommandant [1.25]
- 1.25 The Prince From The Phone Company [1.26]
- 1.26 The Safecracker Suite [1.27]
- 1.27 I Look Better In Basic Black [1.28]
- 1.28 The Assassin [1.29]
- 1.29 Cupid Comes To Stalag 13 [1.30]
- 1.30 The Flame Grows Higher [1.31]
- 1.31 Request Permission To Escape [1.32]
- 2 Season 2
- 2.1 Hogan Gives A Birthday Party [2.01]
- 2.2 The Schultz Brigade [2.02]
- 2.3 Diamonds In The Rough [2.03]
- 2.4 Operation Briefcase [2.04]
- 2.5 The Battle Of Stalag 13 [2.05]
- 2.6 The Rise And Fall Of Sergeant Schultz [2.06]
- 2.7 Hogan Springs [2.07]
- 2.8 A Klink, A Bomb And A Short Fuse [2.08]
- 2.9 Tanks For The Memory [2.09]
- 2.10 A Tiger Hunt In Paris, Part 1 [2.10]
- 2.11 A Tiger Hunt In Paris, Part 2 [2.11]
- 2.12 Will The Real Adolf Please Stand Up? [2.12]
- 2.13 Don't Forget To Write [2.13]
- 2.14 Klink's Rocket [2.14]
- 2.15 Information Please [2.15]
- 2.16 Art For Hogan's Sake [2.16]
- 2.17 The General Swap [2.17]
- 2.18 The Great Brinksmeyer Robbery [2.18]
- 2.19 Praise The Führer And Pass The Ammunition [2.19]
- 2.20 Hogan And The Lady Doctor [2.20]
- 2.21 The Swing Shift [2.21]
- 2.22 Heil Klink [2.22]
- 2.23 Everyone Has A Brother-In-Law [2.23]
- 2.24 Killer Klink [2.24]
- 2.25 Reverend Kommandant Klink [2.25]
- 2.26 The Most Escape-Proof Camp I've Ever Escaped From [2.26]
- 3 Season 3
- 4 Season 4
- 5 Season 5
- 6 Season 6
- 7 Misc. Quotes
- 8 Cast
- 9 External links
- 10 About
Hold That Tiger [1.02]
- Schultz: (After Hogan revealing Newkirk in a Gestapo uniform) What a relief, if the Gestapo...Colonel Hogan...what is he doing in a uniform! Colonel Hogan please, oohhh you went too far. I must report this, it would be worth my life if I do not report this.
- Col. Robert E. Hogan: It's only until tomorrow, then he's gonna take it off again.
- Schultz: Aahhh.
- Col. Robert E. Hogan: After he steals the tank.
- Schultz: Ohh...
- Col. Robert E. Hogan: From the Panzer division.
- Schultz: Oohhh...
- Col. Robert E. Hogan: And brings it here into the barracks.
- Schultz: Oh I see nothing. I was not here. I did not even get up this morning!
- Schultz: Eine, zwei, drei, vier, fünf, sechs, sieben...acht...neun...zehn...
- Col. Robert E. Hogan: Elf is next, eleven, Schultz.
- Schultz: I know how to count.
- Col. Robert E. Hogan: So do many of the young guards, I think it's how they're taught.
- [General Hofstader gets out of his staff car and marches over to Klink.]
- Colonel Klink: What an honor to have you here —
- General Hofstader: Where is my tank, Klink?
- Colonel Klink: Hasn't it come back yet?
- General Hofstader: No. Klink, I released a tank to you to put down a riot by prisoners. I see no riot, I see no tank! All I see is a Colonel about to become Corporal!
- Colonel Klink: Please, General — it will turn up! I have searched the barracks, the surrounding areas, the prisoners—
- General Hofstader: [sarcastically] The prisoners? Nobody had it in his pocket?! We are talking about a Tiger tank Klink! Not a toy dump truck!
- Cpl. Peter Newkirk: Steal a German tank?!
- Col. Robert E. Hogan: We'll give it back... after we take it apart and make blueprints of it.
- Sgt. James 'Kinch' Kinchloe: Well, how do we get ahold of it?
- Cpl. Louis LeBeau: How do we get it in here?
- Cpl. Peter Newkirk: Where are we going to hide a tank?
- Sgt. Andrew Carter: Where do we take it apart?
- Col. Robert E. Hogan: Look, I got the idea of stealing it, right? The rest is detail.
- Col. Klink: It is impossible to hide a tank! Therefore I suspect you! (in regards to Col. Hogan and his men hiding the Tiger tank)
Kommandant of the Year [1.03]
- Col. Klink: Tell me, Schultz, which colonel is running this camp, Hogan or me? I sometimes wonder.
- Schultz: Me, too, Herr Komman…
- [Klink gets up.]
- Col. Klink: I am the colonel who will sign your transfer for the Russian front.
- Schultz: Boy, are you running the camp!
The Late Inspector General [1.04]
- Klink: I am well aware, Colonel Hogan, there is nothing you and your men would not do to try to undermine my position, even to have me replaced.
- Hogan: Replace you, are you kidding? We'd do anything to keep you here.
- [After Kinchloe switches on a tape of a BBC broadcast in the presence of Klink, Schultz, and the Inspector General von Platzen.]
- Klink: Schultz! Where is that radio?
- Schultz: They didn't tell me!
- Klink: Find it at once!
- Schultz: Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.
- Klink: [as the Schultz and the other guards search] Hogan! Where does that voice come from?
- Hogan: From the accent, I'd say England.
The Flight of the Valkyrie [1.05]
- [Hogan brings in a "disguised" woman in male uniform.]
- Schultz: Where did she come from? Don't tell me, but wherever it was, put her back!
The Prisoner's Prisoner [1.06]
- Schmidt: What is it you want?
- Hogan: Cleveland.
- Schmidt: Cleveland?
- Hogan: I want to be Burgermeister. Oh, you don't have to worry about me, sir. I'll be loyal. One set of books.
- Hogan: If the Germans can have an American prisoner, why can't the American prisoners have a German prisoner? If we're wrong, what are they gonna do, lock us up?
German Bridge is Falling Down [1.07]
- Hogan: We're gonna build the bridge with a very special feature.
- Newkirk: What do you mean by that?
- Hogan: It's going to be the only bridge in the world with a built-in bomb.
- Klink: Bribe me, eh? I will throw them in the cooler for life. Even after the war. Even if we lose!
- Klink: If the prisoners ask any questions about these explosions, you know nothing. You - are - ignorant.
- Schultz: Oh, I can handle that.
- Klink: I know.
- Schultz: [reading graffiti] "Hess is a mess." "Himmler is a rat fink." "Göring is a fat rat fink." [starts laughing] "Colonel Klink is bucking for rat fink!"
- Hogan: [walks over with Klink to the ammunitions building; the painting has blurred the graffiti very little after being watered] You ordered us the paint the building; we painted it!
- Klink: Colonel Hogan, this is not what I had in mind. I can still read those insults. Now, you will paint it again, and again, if necessary, until those insulting statements are gone. Now, PAINT IT! [storms away]
- Hogan: [to the Allied POWs] All right, fellas, you heard the Kommandant. Now, let's get it right!
[sometime later, Hogan walks back over with Klink to the ammunitions building; Klink is horrified]
- Klink: [tantruming] NO, NO, NO, NO, NO! [the building is now pink] A pink building on a military establishment? Are you mad?! If you think I wouldn't turn you over to the Gestapo, you are sadly mistaken.
- Hogan: Come on, Colonel. It's about time we got a little color into the war. Everything's so drab.
Movies Are Your Best Escape [1.08]
- Hogan: Carter, what are the boys in the metal shop working on?
- Carter: Reversible tie pins. On one side it says "Heil Hitler". On the other, "I was in Switzerland during the war".
Go Light on the Heavy Water [1.09]
- [Hogan is kissing Helga.]
- Helga: Mmm, you smell good.
- Hogan: The boys whipped up a little aftershave.
- [Kisses her again.]
- Helga: It's very exciting.
- Hogan: It's called "unconditional surrender".
Top Hat, White Tie and Bomb Sight [1.10]
- Hogan: Newkirk, what about a civilian suit this time for me?
- Newkirk: Righto, guv'nor, you got it.
- Hogan: Good. 'Civilian.' What a beautiful word. Next to 'girls.'
- Newkirk: Colonel, don't you ever think about anything else but dames?
- Hogan: Of course I do, but I fight it.
- Burkhalter: Now let me see what we can do with Colonel Hogan.
- Klink: I will have him brought here and we will start strenuous interrogation at once.
- Burkhalter: Klink, you are not only irresistible, but you are also very subtle.
- Klink: Thank you, sir!
- Burkhalter: Like a broken leg.
Happiness is a Warm Sergeant [1.11]
- Klink: Don't you give me any credit for having any brains?
- Hogan: I refuse to answer on the grounds that I might tell the truth.
- Schultz: (In the barracks after finishing his patrol punishment)One thing I don't understand...How could I get so drunk on one glass of beer?
- Col. Robert E. Hogan: Never drink on an empty stomach Schultz.
- Schultz: You call this empty.(Referring to his belly)
- Carter: Cheer up Schultz. Maybe they'll send you to a good post.
- Schultz: Well maybe they're going to send me to the Russian Front.
- Carter: Well if they transfer you close to home, you'll be able to see your wife more often.
- Schultz: All of a sudden the Russian Front sounds very good.
The Scientist [1.12]
- Hogan: Colonel, you worry too much.
- Klink: I worry? Huh. Your life is easy. You're only a prisoner of war.
- Hogan: Didn't you learn anything from DuBois?
- LeBeau: Well, most of the time we just made crepes suzettes.
Hogan's Hofbrau [1.13]
Oil For The Lamps Of Hogan [1.14]
Reservations Are Required [1.15]
Anchors Aweigh, Men Of Stalag 13 [1.16]
Happy Birthday, Adolf [1.17]
The Gold Rush [1.18]
- Hogan: You know that picture of George Washington crossing the Delaware?
- Klink: Yes, I'm familiar with that picture.
- Hogan: This ain't it.
Hello, Zolle [1.19]
It Takes A Thief...Sometimes [1.20]
The Great Impersonation [1.21]
The Pizza Parlor [1.22]
- Hogan:: LeBeau, how are you on pizza?
- LeBeau:: Pizza?! You would ask a Frenchman to cook a piece of cardboard with tomato sauce?
- Hogan:: We swear not to tell anybody.
- LeBeau: Ask me to dig a tunnel, yes. To climb a barbed wire, yes. But to make a pizza, no.
- Hogan: We all have to make sacrifices.
- Klink: Let me remind you, Colonel Hogan, that the Italians are on our side.
- Hogan: Don't remind me, remind them.
The 43rd, A Moving Story [1.23]
How to Cook A German Goose With Radar [1.24]
Psychic Kommandant [1.25]
The Prince From The Phone Company [1.26]
The Safecracker Suite [1.27]
I Look Better In Basic Black [1.28]
The Assassin [1.29]
Cupid Comes To Stalag 13 [1.30]
The Flame Grows Higher [1.31]
Klink: Hogan, I'm going to have you shot and no court martial in the world will convict me.
Request Permission To Escape [1.32]
- Schultz:: Carter, please. You could put me into lots of trouble. They might send me to the Eastern Front.
- Carter: Gee, I wouldn't want that to happen.
- Schultz: That's not the worst of it. They might give me 10 days leave!
- Carter: What's wrong with that, for pete's sake?
- Schultz: I would have to spend it with my wife.
Hogan Gives A Birthday Party [2.01]
- [The men are about to get Schultz to parachute out of an airborne German bomber.]
- Schultz:: Colonel Hogan! I'm too old to parachute-jump!
- Hogan:: Never too old, Schultz. Come on.
- Schultz:: Colonel Hogan! I'm too big to parachute-jump!
- Hogan:: Now there you have a point.
The Schultz Brigade [2.02]
- Hogan: Let's face it Klink, you blew the ball game!
- Klink: You're right Hogan, I blew it.
- Hogan: Sweetest setup in the whole German Army, and you wanted to be a general!
- Klink: Hogan, every man in my class has made general!
- Hogan: How many have been killed in action?
- Klink: Quite a few.
- Hogan: How many have been shot by the Führer?
- Klink: Quite a few more.
- [Carter and Newkirk, disguised as POW camp commandants Bussie and Burmeister, have broken into General Burkhalter's quarters and are threatening to shoot him. General Burkhalter, terrified, is trying to stall them.]
- Burkhalter: This is all so unnecessary! I was thinking of retiring! I was just saying to Hilda, that who would succeed me, but one of you two? My dearest friends!
- Newkirk: What of Klink?
- Burkhalter: Forget him! He's to be shot! I never could stand the man!
- Klink: [Outside] Burmeister! Bussie! You're surrounded! Come out with your hands up!
- Burkhalter: What a wonderful friend!
- Hogan: That's two shots; they killed themselves. Come on.
- Schultz: Colonel Hogan, if they are dead, what is the hurry?
Diamonds In The Rough [2.03]
Operation Briefcase [2.04]
- Klink: Repoooort!
- Schultz: Herr Kommandant, all present and accounted for.
- Klink: Good. Now, men, I have a very important announcement to make.
- Newkirk: Hey, they're gonna surrender!
- LeBeau: Good move!
- Carter: Hey, the Krauts are gonna surrender!
- Prisoner: Who told you?
- Carter: I just heard it!
- [The prisoners all cheer and clap.]
- Klink: Colonel Hogan, control your men!
- Hogan: I can't, sir, the news of your surrender is-
- Klink: Who said anything about a surrender?
- Hogan: You did.
- Klink: When?
- Hogan: Just now, you used the word yourself.
- Klink: Only to deny it!
- Hogan: Well, I had to start somewhere.
- Klink: Silence!
- Hogan: Okay, men, the surrender's off!
- [The prisoners boo.]
- Klink: Now I've just had word that General Stauffen of the Fuehrer's headquarters will personally visit Stalag 13. I expect every prisoner in this camp to clean up and look neat.
- Newkirk: Can't do it. Somebody stole me mascara brush!
- General Stauffen: Hogan, you saved my life, and our cause. How can I thank you?
- Hogan: When you see Hitler, make sure your meeting goes over with a bang.
The Battle Of Stalag 13 [2.05]
- Colonel Klink: Yesterday, I was only worried about the Russian front, today it looks like paradise. Hogan, what am I going to do?
- [Hogan looks down at his watch]
- Colonel Hogan: Put your fingers in your ears.
- [In the distance there is an explosion, Hogan drops casually while Klink and Schultz drop to ground cowering]
- Colonel Klink: What was that?!
- Colonel Hogan: Sounded like a staff car blowing up.
- [In the distance there is a second explosion]
- Colonel Hogan: Coincidence, another staff car blowing up."
- Colonel Klink: You knew those cars were going to blow up! How?
- Colonel Hogan: It's obvious sir, the Wehrmacht and Gestapo double-crossed each other.
- Colonel Klink: Do you expect me to believe that?
- Colonel Hogan: No sir, but it'll look neater in your report to Berlin.
The Rise And Fall Of Sergeant Schultz [2.06]
Hogan Springs [2.07]
Tanks For The Memory [2.09]
A Tiger Hunt In Paris, Part 1 [2.10]
- [Colonel Backscheider of the Gestapo and two agents, Captain Müller and Corporal Sonntag, kick in the door of Hogan's hotel room]
- Backscheider: You will consider yourself under arrest.
- Hogan: Champagne?
- Backscheider: I will question you here. If your answers are not satisfactory, you will be taken to where the atmosphere is more conductible to getting at the truth.
- Hogan: That sounds fair.
- Backscheider: I am not concerned with being fair. Müller, Sonntag.
- [Backscheider's men begin to search the hotel room]
- Hogan: Are you sure you won't have some champagne?
- Backscheider: Research done by the Third Reich shows that champagne shrivels the Achilles tendons.
- Hogan: Really?
- Backscheider: The French foot soldier was only able to march seven-tenths of a mile... before collapsing.
- Hogan: Poor devils.
- Backscheider: I think it has attacked your brain. You are obviously an American, yet you openly rent a large suite in the best hotel in Paris, in the middle of a war... almost inviting a call from the Gestapo!
- Hogan: You were very prompt. My congratulations.
- Backscheider: [Frowns, puzzled] You wanted a call from the Gestapo?
- [Hogan has convinced Backscheider he is actually Sgt. Frank Derkin, an escaped POW-turned-black market dealer; they are talking in Backscheider's office]
- Hogan: Look... I was able to get a good deal on some caviar. I could arrange to cut you in if you could help transport it to Paris.
- Backscheider: Every inch of carloading is needed for the German war effort!
- Hogan: You were in for fifty percent.
- Backscheider: [Surprised] I will see what I can do.
A Tiger Hunt In Paris, Part 2 [2.11]
- [Backscheider, distrustful of 'Derkin', has bugged the hotel room phone]
- Hogan: Derkin here.
- Newkirk: [As Himmler] My dear Derkin! This is Heinrich Himmler, how are you?
- [In another room, the Gestapo men stiffen in fear; as Reichsführer-SS Himmler was one of the most feared men in Nazi Germany]
- Hogan: Oh, fine, just fine. You enjoyed the caviar? Oh, I'm glad. Hey, I was able to get a special deal for you- about three tons. Ah, we can talk about that when you get here.
- Newkirk: Yes... I will be arriving tomorrow morning, about 10. By fighter plane. Don't trust my pilot. Ja, there has been too many 'accidents' on our transports.
- Hogan: Inhuman! I'll meet you at the airport, about 10. Oh, and, uh, about Colonel Backscheider...
- Newkirk: What about him?
- Hogan: Oh, I put my foot in it. I mentioned you were coming to Paris, but I didn't tell him when.
- Newkirk: Tell him nothing! If he has one single ounce of brains- which I doubt- he will find out that I'm coming in. Und be at the airport with his entire staff lined up in review. And if not- eh! One more bungler down the well.
- Hogan: Oh, I'm really sure he'll be there. I'll meet you at the airport tomorrow. Oh, and thanks for the call, Heinrich.
- [In another room, Backscheider puts down the listening device's headphones]
- Backscheider: He called him Heinrich!
- [At Gestapo headquarters, Antonovitch, a White Russian acting as Himmler, is touring the cells; on Backscheider's orders, Müller is trying to stall for time]
- Müller: Herr Reichsführer, if we only wait until Colonel Backscheider gets back...
- Antonovitch: He is on the way?
- Müller: Oh, yes, sir!
- Antonovitch: Well, hurry!
- [As the group passes by Klink's cell, Klink addresses Müller and spots Hogan, who quickly moves out of sight]
- Col. Klink: Oh, Captain Müller, excuse me... Colonel Hogan? I thought I saw Colonel Hogan.
- [Antonovitch is now standing directly in front of Klink's cell]
- Antonovitch: Do I look like a 'Colonel Hogan'?
- Col. Klink: Oh, no, sir! Not at all! It's just that since I've been to Paris, I seem to only see and hear... [Laughs nervously, then looks to Müller] This wouldn't be Reichsführer Himmler! [Looks back to 'Himmler', suddenly very nervous] Would it?
- Antonovitch: Who is this man?
- Müller: Ex-Commandant Klink, your excellency, from Stalag 13. Suspected of complicity in the Tiger matter.
- Col. Klink: Your excellency, I am completely innocent! All I've done- with the exception of some harmless delusions- all I've done is come to Paris on my seven-day leave and never had such misery, sir. Never.
- Antonovitch: When is your leave up?
- Col. Klink: Tomorrow, sir!
- Antonovitch: [To Müller] Let him out.
- Col. Klink: Oh, thank you, sir! Your reputation for generosity and fairness-
- Müller: Let him out?!
- Antonovitch: Tomorrow.
Will The Real Adolf Please Stand Up? [2.12]
- [General Burkhalter arrives at Stalag 13 as Carter is impersonating Adolf Hitler. He eagerly goes to greet "Hitler" but halts as he notices him ranting.]
- Carter: I would have won the war a long time ago if it wasn't for my generals! All they do is eat, and have good times!
- Hogan: Really?
- Carter: Ja. I have one general who looks like a stuffed goose. But believe me, one day, the goose will hang high, BY HIS EARS!
- General Burkhalter: On second thought, maybe I will see the Fuehrer some other time.
Don't Forget To Write [2.13]
- Schultz: LeBeau! Wake up, LeBeau!
- LeBeau: I'm sleeping. Come back in an hour.
- Schultz: An hour?! Are you crazy? You're an escaped prisoner, let's go!
- General von Lintzer: I think it only fair to tell you that I employ somewhat different tactics than Lieutenant Klink!
- Klink: Colonel Klink.
- General von Lintzer: Don't bet on it!
- General von Lintzer: Colonel Hogan, I must congratulate you on your honesty. The reconnaissance flight verified the new factory near Leadingham.
- Hogan: You sure know how to rub it in, General.
- General von Lintzer: And tonight, the new factory will be reduced to rubble. I personally will lead the bombing mission.
- Klink: And of course everyone knows that the General is one of our finest pilots! By the way, General, when you go to Berlin, you'll mention my name? Say a few words here and there.
- General von Lintzer: Words? I believe I will put in a few words. "Negligence, inefficiency, irresponsibility, stupidity". As soon as I get back from the raid, I will take care of you.
- [Von Lintzer gets in his staff car and leaves.]
- Hogan: Hm. I heard that in school, von Lintzer was your dearest friend.
- Klink: Ja, ja. Ja.
- Hogan: You would've been better off with an enemy.
Information Please [2.15]
- Major Kohler: Sir. May I ask...
- General Burkhalter: Yes.
- Major Kohler: Do you actually suspect Klink of disloyalty?
- General Burkhalter: Disloyalty? No. Stupidity, yes.
- Colonel Klink: Those staff officers, they are so clever.
- General Burkhalter: Klink! I am a staff officer!
- Colonel Klink: I didn't mean you, sir; you're not clever. [Burkhalter glares at him.] You're clever, sir! You're clever!
- General Burkhalter: Shut up, Klink.
- Hogan: Be careful if you run into any patrols. He speaks German like a native, which he is.
- RAF Captain: I believe I have a solution. [Puts his pistol to Schmidt's head.]
- Hogan: Good show, old boy.
Art For Hogan's Sake [2.16]
- Hogan: Carter, will you watch it?
- Carter: Sorry, I'm not too good with ears.
- Hogan: If you don't mind, I've gotten used to having one on each side of my head!
- Colonel Klink: Oh, what an unexpected pleasure, Herr General!
- General Burkhalter: Actually, I had no intention of stopping here. But there was a bombing attack on the road that started me thinking-
- Colonel Klink: Oh, what a brilliant idea! Now only a man of your experience could-
- General Burkhalter: [Smiles] Klink? Shut up and let me finish.
- Colonel Klink: Of course Herr General. Excuse me.
- General Burkhalter: I suppose you are curious about that. [Gestures to the flat rectangular box his men brought in.]
- Colonel Klink: Well, naturally, I-
- General Burkhalter: It's a gift.
- Colonel Klink: Thank you, Herr General! Thank you very much!
- General Burkhalter: It's not for you.
- Colonel Klink: Really? What a marvelous sense of humor.
- General Burkhalter: I've just been to Paris on military business.
- Colonel Klink: Of course, of course.
- General Burkhalter: While I was there, I realized that Goering's birthday is only a few weeks away!
- Colonel Klink: Oh, yes, sir, I know, I have the date right here in my calendar!
- General Burkhalter: You would.
- [Sergeant Schultz, pretending to be a general in the German Army, is covering for Hogan, LeBeau, Suzette and Verlaine while two Gestapo officers attempt to search the Paris apartment.]
- Sergeant Schultz: How dare you come here, and disturb a general of the Third Reich.
- 1st Gestapo Man: Only doing our duty, sir. We had no idea that you were-
- Schultz: Oh, you- you had no idea. You didn't know that a general might want to spend an afternoon with his, uh, with his, uh-
- Suzette: Niece.
- Schultz: Niece. Thank you, darling.
- 1st Gestapo Man: I assure you, General, we had no intention of intruding upon your privacy.
- Schultz: No. You didn't! Should it ever happen again, I will report you to your superior officer, and then to his superior officer, and then even to his superior officer! I will report it all the way up, until it comes back to me! And if I ever... report it to myself... [Growls] Are you going to be in trouble.
- [The two Gestapo men hurry for the door and leave.]
- Suzette: They have gone!
- Schultz: They did? Why did you let them go?!
The General Swap [2.17]
- General Burkhalter: Gentlemen, this is most embarrassing. In broad daylight-
- Colonel Klink: I still think we should send a squad to look-
- General Burkhalter: Shut up, Klink. Right in the middle of Germany.
- German General: And not a trace of him!
- Colonel Klink: Well, this never would've happened had I-
- General Burkhalter: Klink! He could be anywhere by now.
- Colonel Klink: Yes, Herr General. But, General, may I suggest-
- General Burkhalter: Be careful you don't suggest yourself all the way to the Russian Front!
- Field Marshal von Heinke: I order you to make immediate arrangements for my exchange! Those are my orders. Carry them out.
- Colonel Klink: Such a loud signal! The English must have an excellent transmitter.
- General Burkhalter: [Glares at Klink] We have an excellent receiver.
- Hogan: That was Field Marshal von Heinke. May we have your reply immediately?
- General Burkhalter: I guess we have no choice.
- Colonel Klink: That voice. I have heard it somewhere before.
- General Burkhalter: Certainly, dumkopf! That's von Heinke!
- Colonel Klink: No, Herr General, the other voice. Hogan... that's Hogan! One of my prisoners, right here! [In the barracks, Carter hears Klink through a listening device and hands it to Hogan, who hurries over to the camp office.] Now, gentlemen, I am convinced something is wrong. General Burkhalter, with all due respect to you, I think this may be a false message.
- General Burkhalter: A false message?
- [Behind them, Hogan comes into the camp office and sits down.]
- Colonel Klink: Now, it would take me just one minute to find- [Turns around and sees Hogan.] Hogan!
- Hogan: Yes?
- General Burkhalter: You thought he was on the radio?
- Colonel Klink: What are you doing here?
- Hogan: Sergeant Schultz told me one of our planes was missing.
- Colonel Klink: General, I still think it is possible that the message on the radio was not the genuine article.
- [Just then, Newkirk, doing an impression of Prime Minister Winston Churchill, begins speaking from the radio.]
- Newkirk: Generals of the Third Reich, this is the Prime Minister speaking. We offer you this exchange in the full expectation for you to reply in an honourable manner. We in turn, will fulfill our part of the bargain. We await your immediate reply in order that we may speedily affect this arrangement to our mutual satisfaction.
- General Burkhalter: Inform Communications... we accept. [Looks at Klink] Unless, Klink, you thought that was Hogan, too?
- Newkirk: So that's the setup, General. Maybe I shouldn't speak up like this, but, well, I just wanted you to know how we all feel about Colonel Hogan. And you can't put me in jail for it 'cause legally speakin' I'm in jail already.
The Great Brinksmeyer Robbery [2.18]
Praise The Führer And Pass The Ammunition [2.19]
- [A group of Waffen-SS officers, led by SS-Colonel Deutsch, have arrived at Stalag 13.]
- Kinchloe: What would they be doing here?
- Hogan: Maybe they came to capture us again. Very thorough, the Germans.
- SS-Colonel Deutsch: I never worry about prisoners. I never take any.
- Klink: You don't?
- SS-Colonel Deutsch: I like my enemy only one way: dead.
- [Deutsch takes a stielhandgranate from one of his men.]
- Klink: Colonel! What are you doing?!
- [Ignoring Klink, Deutsch throws the grenade at the formation of prisoners, who all dive for cover except for Hogan, who doesn't move. He calmly picks up the grenade and walks up to Deutsch with it.]
- Hogan: Oh, Colonel, you seem to have dropped something.
- SS-Colonel Deutsch: My compliments, Colonel. Tell me, how did you know it was a blank?
- Hogan: Easy. For a live grenade, you would've been the first to run. You see, both you and I know you're not a member of a super race.
- SS-Colonel Deutsch: After our war games, I shall teach you respect for the SS!
- Hogan: I doubt it.
Hogan And The Lady Doctor [2.20]
The Swing Shift [2.21]
- General Burkhalter: Klink? Shut up and listen.
- Klink: Yes, sir. Shut up and listen.
- [Hogan is hiding a scientist who wants to defect to the Allies in Klink's office, having fooled Klink and his staff into believing it is Hitler, taking refuge from an assassination attempt. Major Hochstetter knows it's the doctor, but this only makes him look like an assassin to Klink]
- Col. Klink: [Standing outside the closed office door] Your excellency, I had no idea! A promotion? To Berlin?!
- Carter: [As Hitler] You still have no idea. Listen carefully. In my inner circle I can trust no one. Himmler will double-cross me like a shot, Goebbels' eyes are too close together, and Goering is too fat! Never trust a fat man, Klink!
- Col. Klink: Indeed, your excellency! Never trust a fat man!
- Carter: But I am getting tired of my burden. There is no gratitude. In a few weeks, I will appoint a successor. The one man in the whole miserable Third Reich who has proven worthy of my trust! YOU, Klink!
- [Klink's knees buckle, and Hogan has to catch him from falling]
- Col. Klink: Your excellency. I will try to be worthy of it! Heil Hitler!
- [Major Hochstetter returns to Stalag 13, demanding that Klink surrender the man in hiding. For possibly the first time, Klink is entirely sure of himself]
- Major Hochstetter: Well, now, Klink, are you ready to hand him over to me?
- Colonel Klink: Major Hochstetter! A new order is coming, a new order! One which will sweep vermin like you into the delousing station of history!
- [Hochstetter stares at him, too stunned and furious to speak]
- Colonel Klink: You are under arrest. Schultz!
- [Schultz stares at Klink, just as surprised as Hochstetter]
- Major Hochstetter: You are mad, Klink!
- Col. Klink: Take him away!
- [Hochstetter storms off; Klink begins pacing the yard, strutting confidently]
Everyone Has A Brother-In-Law [2.23]
- Major Hochstetter: Who is this man?!
The Most Escape-Proof Camp I've Ever Escaped From [2.26]
- General Burkhalter: This is Colonel Stieffer of the SS. He has a special assignment for you.
- Klink: A pleasure, Colonel. A real pleasure. Whatever I can do for the SS will be a real privilege. And I am deeply moved by being chosen for this task! I know that this handshake will be the beginning of a long and lasting friendship!
- Colonel Stieffer: The SS has no friends.
- Klink: Yes, sir, I think you've got a good idea on that. After all, when you add what you spend on dinner parties, luncheons, gifts- who needs the expense of friendship, when a little hatred doesn't cost you a cent?
- General Burkhalter: Let Colonel Stieffer talk for a change.
- Klink: Yes, sir. Schutltz! Not another word out of you until the Colonel is finished.
- Colonel Stieffer: We have a very special prisoner we're turning over to you. And we expect you to make sure he doesn't escape.
- Klink: Sir, I can assure you, no one has ever escaped from Stalag 13.
- Colonel Stieffer: So far he's escaped from nine of your camps since his capture.
- Klink: Well, he won't be leaving here so easily!
- General Burkhalter: If he does, you will be leaving yourself. Carrying snow shoes and a Russian road map!
- Klink: Hogan, we all make mistakes. No one is perfect! [Hogan glances at a framed picture of Adolf Hitler on the wall.] Except him, of course.
Funny Thing Happened On The Way To London [3.05]
- Schultz: Kommandant Klink says you can have ten minutes with the prisoner.
- Hogan: Ten minutes?! Oh, come on, Schultz. Hardly long enough to eat a chocolate bar.
- [Hogan takes out a bar of chocolate.]
- Schultz: Twenty minutes?
- Hogan: Eat slowly. [Hands the bar to Schultz]
The Kommandant Dies at Dawn
- Schultz: My Herr Ex-Kommandant!
- Klink: What is it, Schultz?
- Schultz: I have good news and bad news.
- Hogan: Give him the good news first, Schultz.
- Schultz: They ordered you to be shot first thing in the morning.
- Klink: That's good news?! What's the bad news?!
- Schultz: They're not giving you a blindfold.
- Hogan: It's hard to believe, even for the Gestapo.
- Schultz: They're asking for volunteers for the firing squad.
- Klink: Ha! They'll never get any volunteers from my men!
- Schultz: I beg to report Herr Kommandant, they did.
- Klink: How many volunteered?
- Schultz: Seventy-six.
- Hogan: How many men do you have?
- Schultz: Eighty-two.
- Klink: At least six of my men are loyal.
- Schultz: No, Herr Komandant. Two are in the hospital and four are on furlough.
- Hogan: Well that makes it unanimous.
- Klink: Wait a minute! Wait a minute! We only have EIGHTY men!
- Schultz: Not counting the two deserters. But they came back this morning when they heard you were going to be shot.
- General Burkhalter: Klink is a fine actor. Look how well he's played the part of a German officer all these years.
- Major Hochstetter: Kommandant Klink: a man who could have been great, except he wasn't very good.
- Colonel Klink: I have been appointed Haufman's defense council.
- Corporal Newkirk: How did it happen?
- Colonel Klink: I'm told I volunteered.
- Colonel Hogan: What's your defense?
- Colonel Klink: Since Colonel Houfman has served his country gallantly in the past, I will try for a smaller firing squad.
- [before the court-martial]
- Colonel Klink: I don't think I'll have any trouble getting him off with the death penalty.
- [An escaped prisoner has stolen a German truck]
- LeBeau: Hey, this is a late model! How much can we get for it on the black market?
- Schultz: How are you going to get him out of the camp?
- [Hogan is about to say something]
- Schultz: (Very quickly in an anguished voice) Please don't tell me.
- Colonel Hogan: Why not? We don't have to be enemies just because we're... enemies!
- Carter: Colonel... are you sure that's a good plan?
- Colonel Hogan: You got a better one?
- Carter: Good plan.
- Bob Crane — Col. Robert E. Hogan
- Werner Klemperer — Col. Wilhelm Klink
- John Banner — Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz
- Ivan Dixon — Sgt. James "Kinch" Kinchloe
- Robert Clary — Cpl. Louis LeBeau
- Richard Dawson — Cpl. Peter Newkirk
- Larry Hovis — Sgt. Andrew Carter
- Leon Askin — General Albert Burkhalter
- Sigrid Valdis — Hilda
- Cynthia Lynn — Helga
- Howard Caine — Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter
- Kenneth Washington — Sgt. Richard Baker
- "I am an actor. If I can play Richard III, I can play a Nazi."
- "Who can play Nazis better than us Jews?"
- Werner Klemperer [John Banner aka "Sergeant Schultz" query". Axis History Forum. December 20, 2007. Retrieved 2014-03-28.]