Jack Handey (born 25 February 1949) is an American humorist. He is most famous for his Deep Thoughts, a large corpus of surrealistic one-liner jokes. Deep Thoughts were first seen in National Lampoon in 1984 though gained popularity when they were read on Saturday Night Live beginning in 1991.
- If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.
- "Deep Thoughts" segment, Saturday Night Live (12 October 1991)
- I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world because they'd never expect it.
- Deep Thoughts (1992), Berkley Publishing Group, ISBN 0-425-13365-6
- If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did."
- Deep Thoughts (1992)
- It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.
- Deep Thoughts (1992)
- If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let 'em go, because man, they're gone.
- Deeper Thoughts : All New, All Crispy (1993) ISBN 1-56282-840-1
- Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself. Basically, it's made up of two separate words — "mank" and "ind." What do these words mean? It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind.
- Deeper Thoughts: All New, All Crispy (1993)
- I guess we were kinda poor when we were kids, but we didn't know it. That's because my dad always refused to let us look at the family's financial records.
- Fuzzy Memories (1996), Andrews McMeel Publishing, ISBN 0-8362-1040-9
- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey official website
- Jack Handey at the Internet Movie Database
- "What I'd Say To The Martians" short piece in The New Yorker (2005)
- "In Praise of the Human Body" short piece for Outside (2005)
- "My Speech To The Martians" on the radio program Studio 360 (5 May 2006)
- "This is No Game"short piece in The New Yorker (2006)
- "My First Day In Hell" short piece in The New Yorker (2006)
- "Ideas for Paintings" short piece in The New Yorker (2006)
- "My Nature Documentary" *[http://www.newyorker.com/shouts/content/articles/060109sh_shouts "This is No Game"short piece in The New Yorker (2 July 2007)
- Extensive audio interview on public radio program The Sound of Young America