Leverage

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Leverage (2008–2012) is an American TV series created by John Rogers and Chris Downey. It follows a group of thieves who steal mainly from corrupt corporations to return money to their victims.

Contents

Season 1[edit]

The Nigerian Job [1.1][edit]

Victor Dubenich: You've saved your insurance company…I don't know, hundreds of millions of dollars. But, I just know that when you needed them… What happened to your family was the kind of thing—
Nathan Ford: You know the part of the conversation where I punch you in the neck nine or ten times? We're coming up on that pretty quick.

Eliot Spencer: You're not as useless as you look.
Alec Hardison: [scoffs] I don't even know what you do.
-Eliot Spencer-
-Retrieval Specialist-
[Later]
Eliot: [After taking out four guys before Hardison's bag touches the ground, turns to him with a smug smile] That's what I do.

Eliot: This thing safe?
Hardison: Yeah, it's completely safe… it's just you know, if you experience nausea, weakness in your right side, stroke, strokiness…
Eliot: You're precisely why I work alone.

Nate Ford: Guys, listen up. We're going on my count, not a second sooner. Parker, no freelancing.
Eliot: Hey, relax. We know what we're doin'.
Nate: And on the count of five, four…
Hardison: Aw, he doesn't want to be our pal.
Nate: We're on the count! Five, four, three…
Parker: [runs by and jumps over the side] Yahoooooo!
Eliot: She's gone!
Nate: Son of a—!
[After Parker runs by and jumps over the side of the building]
Eliot: That's twenty pounds of crazy in a five-pound bag!

Hardison: Ten-digit password. I salute you, sir.

Hardison: Going to plan B?
Nate: Technically, that would be plan G.
Hardison: How many plans do we have? Is there, like, a plan M?
Nate: Yeah. Hardison dies in plan M.
Eliot: I like plan M.

[Parker pointing a gun at the others when she discovers she wasn't paid]
Parker: My money's not in my account. That makes me cry inside, in my special angry place.

Eliot: I'm going to beat Dubenich so bad even the people that look like him are going to bleed.
Parker: You won't get within a hundred yards. He knows your face. He knows all our faces.
Eliot: He tried to kill us.
Parker: More importantly, he didn't pay us.
Eliot: How is that more important?!
Parker: I take that personally.
Eliot: There's somethin' wrong with you.

Eliot: You want to run a game on this guy? You?
Nate: Well, yeah. How do you think I got most of my stolen merchandise back? I mean, this guy, he's greedy, thinks he's smart; he's the best kind of mark.
Parker: He does think he got rid of us.
Hardison: Element of surprise.
Eliot: What's in it for me?
Nate: Payback. And if it goes right, a lot of money.
Parker: And what's in it for me?
Nate: A lot of money. And if it goes right, payback. Hardison?
Hardison: I, I was just going to send a thousand porno magazines to his office, but hell yeah, let's kick him up!
Eliot: [to Nate] What's in it for you?
Nate: …He used my son.
[long pause]
Nate: All right, let's go get Sophie.
Eliot: What the hell's a Sophie?

Sophie Devereaux: I'm a citizen now. Honest.
Nate: I'm not.
Sophie: You're playing my side? [Looks over and sees the others] I always thought you had it in you.
Nate: Are you in?
Sophie: [Nodding] I wouldn't miss this.
Nate: All right, let's go break the law just one more time.

[the team gets their first look at Sophie's acting "skills"]
Hardison: She's awful.
Parker: Is she injured? In the head?
Eliot: Seriously, man, she is the worst actress I've ever seen.
Nate: This is not her stage.
[Later, they watch her effortlessly con a mark]
Hardison: [surprised] She's not awful.
Nate: This is her stage. Sophie Devereaux is the finest actress you've ever seen…when she's breaking the law.

Dubenich: Higgins, Higgins, you can't do that. You can't take my computer!
Special Agent Higgins: [chuckles] This company has government defense contracts. There are very serious rules with contact with foreign nationals. The Patriot Act applies here, my friend! Sir, I can take your underpants.

Pierson: Don't you want money?
Nate: This particular project has a different revenue stream.

[after seeing their multi-million-dollar paychecks for taking down Dubenich]
Hardison: I'm just very good at what I do.
Parker: This is the score! This is the score!
Hardison: Age of the geek, baby.
Eliot: Somebody kiss this man so I don't have to!

[last lines; the team is interviewing two grieving parents who want revenge on the company that killed their daughter]
Nate: People like that…corporations like that, they have all the money, they have all the power, and they use it to make people like you go away. Right now, you're suffering under an enormous weight. We provide…Leverage.

The Homecoming Job [1.2][edit]

Corporal Perry: Hey, say hi to Jenny.
Marine: He's cheating on you.
Corporal Perry: Nice.
Marine: With a camel. A drunk, slutty camel.
Corporal Perry: All right, it was one time, okay? And the camel's been texting me, but it's over, I promise.

Dr. Laroque: Pardon me, mister…?
Nate: Oh, uh, Nathan Ford. You're Dr. Lo—
Dr. Laroque: Can I talk to you outside?
Perry: Doc, he's cool. I found him on the internet.
Dr. Laroque: Yes, that never goes badly.

[Hardison introducing the others to the central room of Leverage Consulting and Associates]
Hardison: Long version or the short version?
Sophie: Short.
Eliot: Short version
Parker: Shortest.
Hardison: Photo and video forensics programs, back doors into every electronic banking system in the world, running heuristic datacrawlers all over the news sites to find our clients. Oh, also—
Parker: This is the short version?

Hardison: You know, I, I, I still think it would be easier for me to just hack the bill in a printer queue.
Nate: No, no computers, no. A bill is put into a wooden box on the Congressional floor called the Hub.
Hardison: A wooden-- Whoa, whoa, whoa. A wooden…a wooden box?
Nate: A wooden box.
Hardison: Wood?
Nate: Yeah.
Hardison: Oh, we can put a man on the moon, but all our laws go into a wooden box.

[While getting ready to rappel off of a building]
Hardison: I gotta go back to the office, I just remembered something.
Parker: What?
Hardison: I just remembered gravity. And the squishiness of all my manly bits.

Sophie: When men are telling the truth, they're not looking me in the eye. A man only ever looks a woman in the eye when he's making the effort to lie to her.
Eliot: Well, you can't argue with that.
Hardison: Noted and filed.

Parker: You ID'd the weapon from the gunshot sound?
Eliot: It has a very distinctive sound.
[Later]:
Eliot: The tall one? The way he used a knife? Ex Marine. Probably Force Recon.
Hardison: You ID'd a guy off his knife fighting style?
Eliot: It's a very distinctive style.

Hardison: What I did before, nobody got hurt.
Sophie: I stole paintings.
Parker: I never hurt anybody, either.
[They all look at Eliot]
Eliot: I actually hurt people, so…

Nate: How's Washington?
Sophie: Villains, con-men, wolves in sheep's clothing. Felt right at home.

Sophie: I'd never thought I'd say this ever, but that is just wayyyyy too much money to steal.
Nate: No, you're not going to steal it. You don't remember? You're the good guys now! You're gonna give it back.

Dr. Laroque: The world doesn't work this way.
Nate: So change the world.

The Wedding Job [1.3][edit]

Hardison: …Oh, and then there's the FBI parked around the corner.
Parker: FBI? Where?
Hardison: See that crappy van? Says 'Plumber'?
Parker: Mm-hm.
Sophie: Did you say "plumber"? That's their cover? Aw, aw, that is so cute. It's like it's 1978 all over again.

[Eliot has been sent in to the local FBI offices to steal data, only to find it's all on cassette tapes.]
Eliot: Hardison, how am I supposed to get out of the FBI offices with a box full of surveillance tapes, huh?
Hardison: [Over comms] Punch somebody!
Eliot: [Threateningly] Oh, I'm gonna punch somebody.

[As they listen to a recording of Moscone and his wife arguing]
Sophie: It's a bit like an opera, isn't it?
Eliot: You mean 'cause I want to run away?

Eliot: There was this girl I grew up with. But anyway, she married somebody else, so...
Hardison: Hot damn. What did you do?
Eliot: What did I do? I liberated Croatia.

Hardison: I know that you're in charge of the bridesmaid dresses, but why are you wearing one?
Parker: A bridesmaid dress is like an all-access pass at a wedding. Plus, I kind of said something and the maid of honor cried, and Sophie said I should make it up to her.
Hardison: Looking much, much better in the same dress… Yeah, you let me know how that goes.
Parker: You really think I look good?
Hardison: [After setting the corsage] And now you're perfect.

Eliot: What is it? I've got bacon on.
Parker: The butcher is here.
Eliot: Does he have the baby lamb chops?
Hardison: No, the Butcher of Kiev.
Nate: Think he'll recognize you?
[Flashback]
Butcher of Kiev: I kill you!
[End Flashback]
Eliot: Yeah, I think he'd remember me.

Sophie: I'm staying.
Nate: I'm sorry, you're…you're what?
Sophie: I'm staying.
Nate: You're staying? Sophie, Sophie, it's the Butcher of Kiev.
Hardison: Have you ever been to Kiev? The cake-maker of Kiev would whoop all our asses. This is the Butcher.

[Nate walks in on the aftermath of a fight]
Nate: Did you just kill a guy with an appetizer?
Eliot: I dunno. Maybe.

Nate: [acting as a pastor] Because, you know, Maria, despite all the, all the fear and doubt that life brings, Adam, when he looks at you, Maria, you know, he knows that you have made him a better man, a better version of himself. And now that he's known you, he could never go back. And Maria, you know when you look at Adam, yes, you know you, you've made him a better man and he's should probably just give up and agree with you.

Sophie: So, padre, a wedding's just a big con, huh? [walks away]
Nate: I never said there was anything wrong with that.

Nate: Did you clean out Moscone's accounts?
Hardison: I left him five dollars for socks.

The Snow Job [1.4][edit]

[During the briefing]
Sophie: Are you drunk?
Nate: Technically, no. I was drunk a couple of hours ago. Now I'm just hung over.

[After catching Parker when she jumps out of a window]
Eliot: How about a little warning next time? How'd you even know I'd be there?
Parker: I didn't.

Nate: We're going with a much bigger scam. One of the classics.
Parker: The "London Spank"?
Hardison: The "Genevan Paso Doblé"?
Eliot: The "Apple Pie"?
[everyone stares at him in confusion]
Eliot: It's like The "Cherry Pie", but with lifeguards.
Sophie: [savoring the thought] Ooh.
Nate: [announcing the actual one they'll be doing] The "Glengarry Glen Death". It's like mutual fund, but instead of stocks you invest in, in death. [Walks out to the balcony]
Parker: Is it me or is he getting creepier?

Eliot: You know, you could get another chamber, then put a brain with a tumor in that one and send the signal to the monitor for this chamber. Cross the wires.
[The team gives him curious looks]
Eliot: What? I dated a neurologist.

Hardison: [after losing to Eliot twice in Rock, Paper, Scissors] How do you do that?
Eliot: You have a tell.
Hardison: I—I have a tell…
Eliot: Yeah.
Hardison: In Rock, Paper, Scissors…
Eliot: Yeah. Go!

Nate: Can we give [Parker] a fake tumor?
Hardison: Oh, we could inject her brain with some contrast dye and have it pool into her cranial cavity, but there might be some side effects.
Parker: Like what?
Hardison: Organ failure, death, death-like symptoms.
Parker: I vote for plan B.

Nate: Somebody find me a brain.
Parker: Oh, yeah, he's definitely getting creepier.

Delahoussaye: What business do you have here in Florida?
Nate: I like the outlet malls.

Sophie: You're still a mess. You know, one of these days, they may not stick around and back you up.
Nate: They?
Sophie: Yes. They. I'm me.
Nate: Are you threatening to bail on me, Sophie?
Sophie: [Smiling] Give me a reason to stay.

The Mile High Job [1.5][edit]

[Parker is posing as a flight attendant after stealing a bag from the original woman assigned to the flight.]
Sophie: [To Nate and Eliot] How did you both know there'd be an extra uniform in the bag?
Nate: Everyone knows flight attendants are required to carry extra uniforms in case they get called to work unexpectedly.
Eliot: Or if something happens to the one they're already wearing.
Sophie: How does everyone know that?
[In unison]
Nate: Worked airport security.
Eliot: Slept with a flight attendant.

Parker: [as a flight attendant, speaking before takeoff] In the event of a water landing, your seat cushion can be used as a flotation device. But let's face it, if this thing goes down in the water, more than likely, the impact will kill you.
[People give each other uncertain looks while Eliot rubs his face]
Parker: Please take a moment to locate the nearest emergency exits. Because if this plane's on fire, you're gonna wanna get out quick. Jet fuel burns at over a thousand degrees! That's hot, folks.
[People murmur, looking even more concerned and confused]

Girl: Could I have a ginger ale please?
Parker: You've already had two.
Girl: Yeah, I know. It's like a placebo effect. It's not really working, but it makes you feel better anyway.
Parker: Yeah? So, when's that supposed to kick in?

Hardison: Yeah, they transferred me from the second floor.
Cheryl: Well, I don’t know what it was like in consumer integrations, but let me tell you, I have been working my butt off on this account. But Steve, no, he's just sitting back, waiting for me to fail. So he can swoop in and save the day. I swear, it's like he's a rogue and I’m a mage and we're part of the same guild, but secretly, he's at work with the Alliance to undermine us.
Hardison: For the Horde.
Cheryl: For the Horde. [fist-bump] You play 'World of Warcraft?'
Hardison: You kidding? Did you get the new expansion pack? Woman, I was up all night. Now, look, I mean 'Burning Crusade' was great, but this new one is mind-blowing.
Nate: Hardison... you bailed on the job because you were up all night playing a game?

Parker: Look, flying isn't really all that scary when you think about it. I mean, there are a lot more likely ways to die than on a plane: car crash, house fire, electrocution, drowning, auto-erotic asphyxiation. I mean, fact is, death haunts us every day, no matter where we are.

Eliot: When I knock people out, they tend to stay knocked out.

Nate: Well, it took ten years, but we had our first crash-landing.
Sophie: Ten years. Thanks for getting it right this time.
Nate: You're right. Ten years ago I saw you for the first time. You were swiping a Degas from a collection in Prague. I saw you. You saw me.
Sophie: I ran. You chased.
Nate: Then, two years later, I, uh, caught up with you in Damascus, caught you I should say. You, uh, turned around, introduced yourself, and that's when I met Sophie Devereaux. It'll be eight years next month.
Sophie: Well played.
Nate: Thank you.

The Miracle Job [1.6][edit]

Eliot: Hey. Sophie's here. What do I tell her?
Hardison: Anything but the truth.
[Sophie walks in]
Sophie: Hey.
Eliot: Hey.
Sophie: Thank you so much for coming to my play last night.
Eliot: Oh.
Parker: Last night was awesome.
Sophie: Thanks, Parker.
Parker: Yeah, it was like a horror movie. Attention must be paaiidd.

Eliot: That was the worst night of my life.
Hardison: Come on man, you've been in worse situations!
[Flashback: Eliot in a game of Russian roulette]
Eliot: No. No, that was the worst.

Parker: That's Saint Nicholas?
Hardison: Yes.
Parker: Santa Claus has a church?
Eliot: [irritated] It's not Santa Claus!
[Later]
Nate: Hardison, can you make the statue cry without melting Saint Nick's head?
Parker: Don't melt Santa.
Eliot and Hardison: It's not Santa!!

'[As a gang member is holding a gun on Eliot]
Eliot: You seeing this, Hardison?
Hardison: Yeah, uh, the situation has my attention, yes.
Eliot: You see, this is why I don't like guns. They have a specific range of efficacy. You see, most guys will make one mistake. They get too close.
[Knocks down the gunman and takes the gun, unloading it]

[Questioning a gang member]
Hardison: You got a number?
[The gang member hands him a paper]
Eliot: Can you do something with that?
Hardison: Seven digits? I can find you on Mars.

Hardison: How about that, baby! You see me?
Eliot: He was injured!
Hardison: Well, somebody got to fight the injured. Shoot, that's my niche.

Hardison: As long as I don't have to do anything immoral.
Nate: No, absolutely not. No, I just need you to figure out how to…fake a miracle.
[Eliot laughs]
Hardison: We all goin' to hell.

Nate: …I went to school with Father Paul; to seminary school.
Eliot: So you dropped out of priest school to become an insurance cop. Now you're a leader of a band of thieves. Nice.

Hardison: You're…you're a Catholic who wants to fake a miracle. I'm pretty sure that puts us in mortal sin territory.
Eliot: So wait, wait. Now you're religious too?
Hardison: No, no, I'm not denominational. It's just, I never do anything my Nana says don't do.

Andrew Grant: When people say controversy, I hear attention.

[When their con has gone too well]
Nate: We can use this. Just give me a second. I need to—
[A black van rolls in and a group of priests exit out from it and head into the church]
Nate: Apostolic visitation…
Hardison: Come again?
Nate: It's the Vatican.
[Parker, Eliot and Hardison turn and quickly walk away]

Paul: I count myself blessed and take my miracle.
Nate: Ah, but there was no miracle.
Paul: Nate, five thieves saved my church.
. . .
[last lines of the episode]
Parker: It's like Christmas! See, I told you Saint Nicholas is Santa Claus.
Sophie: No he's not, Parker.
Parker: Well who is he then?
Sophie: Saint Nicholas? [smiles] He's the patron saint of thieves.

The Two-Horse Job [1.7][edit]

Sterling: You're trying to get your old job back.
Nate: Okay. You have it all figured out. I'll just back off from now on, hm?
Sterling: Nah. It's too late for that. Tell you the truth, though. I'd kind of given up on Foss. I like the trainer for the fire, Willy Martin.
Nate: Willy Martin's an innocent man.
Sterling: We're insurance men, Nate. We don't care about who's innocent and who's guilty. Just who pays.

Parker: I once saw a horse kill a clown.
[Later]:
Parker: Horses are much less murderous than I originally thought.

[Regarding Sterling]
Parker: He's like Nate. Evil Nate!

Nate: We need a horse that can run like a champion.
Hardison: What about that horse from the other day? Uh, Kentucky Fried Chicken.
Eliot: Kentucky Thunder.
Hardison: That's what I said.
Nate: Oh, we steal an actual championship racehorse in order to fake another championship racehorse.
Hardison: Yeah.
Nate: Ooh, I like it.

Sterling: You know, I couldn't believe it at first.
Nate: Sterling, welcome.
Sterling: Then again, you did drink yourself right out of a job. Lost your house, your wife, plenty of money troubles.
Nate: Keep talking. You'll get to the point eventually.
James Sterling: Nathan Ford is a common criminal.
Nate: Oh, common. That’s just hurtful.


Parker: [Crawling through an air duct] Looks like Parker's gonna have to crawl through the air duct again. God forbid anyone else would have to learn how to frickin' crawl on their stomach through a tiny space. It's not rocket science, people.
Eliot: [on comms, from the truck] Parker, you realize that we can still hear you?
[Parker sighs exasperatedly]:

Sterling: Look, it's terrible, what happened to your son. No one's denying that. Suffering doesn't automatically make you a hero.
Nate: I never claimed to be.
Sterling: You just think you're above the law.
Nate: Oh, no. I like think of it as I pick up where the law leaves off.
Sterling: [Scoffs] I'm not gonna be so nice next time.
Nate: Mm. Neither will I.

The Bank Shot Job [1.8][edit]

Hardison: Two weeks. Two weeks sleeping in crappy hotels. Two weeks eating in crappy diners. Two weeks having my soul sucked dry. It's 107 degrees. Who lives where it's 107 degrees?!

Sheriff Bill Hastings: You guys sure are quick. Just called this in twenty minutes ago.
Hardison: Uh, we were coming back from a little border skirmish. Charlie unit came under attack by a pack of chupacabras.
Sheriff Bill Hastings: Chupacabras? Thought those things were urban legends.
Hardison: You're adorable.

Sheriff Hastings: We're just going by the book.
Hardison: The…the book? The book got a good man killed. I can't…my blood pressure…
Parker: Ex-partner. Probably shouldn't mention the book again. Or propellers.

Derrick Clark: No, no cops. If they find out we contacted the police, they'll kill her.
Sophie: They're not cops, I promise you. They're friends of mine, you can trust them.
Derrick: Why should I trust you? I don't know who you are.
Sophie: I'm a thief.
Derrick: Okay…I'm not sure what to do with that.

Nate: Parker, have you ever robbed a bank that's being robbed?
Parker: [smiling gleefully] There's a first time for everything.

Hardison: [giving the list of "demands" to local police] First off, they want 12 large pizzas. One cheese, one Hawaiian-extra pineapple, two pepperoni and black olives, two meat lovers… Seriously? Nobody's writing this down? Seriously? One triple-shot, half-caf vanilla latte, tall. Three of the latest copies of the Hall & Oates CD. I know, right? Exciting stuff. I didn't know they were coming out with a new one, either. Um, we're gonna need some steaks. Steaks and a grill, they're tryin' to tailgate. OK, they need your overalls, I don't know why. They need some Kibbles and Bits. We need an Etch-A-Sketch. Somebody in there likes to squiggle, ok? Possibly we need some stuffed bears. Are we good? Let's go, people!

Derrick: [hands the briefcase with the money to Parker] There's a lot of money in there.
Parker: Yeah, I know.
Derrick: My wife's life depends on that money getting where it needs to go.
Parker: I understand. Sometimes bad guys are the only good guys you get.

Eliot: Hey. What smells like crank and screams like a girl?
[kicks a meth dealer in the knee, prompting the scream]
Eliot: That's the right answer.

[After Eliot beats up the thugs]
Ellen Clark: Who are you?
Eliot: Well, ma'am, we'd be the cavalry.

Nate: Hey, listen. She's gonna be all right. Everything's gonna be all right.
Derrick: Your people. They're good?
Nate: Yeah. The best.

The Stork Job [1.9][edit]

Eliot: This would be easier if you were in here.
Nate: Well, we would be if Sophie weren't already old friends with the ambassador.
Sophie: I wouldn't say "old" friends exactly.
[Flashback, Sophie, under guise, receiving a check worth $355,000.00 from the US ambassador]
Ambassador: The United States is pleased to make the first payment for construction of the trans-Ukrainian pipeline to her Royal Highness, Princess Magda of Slovenia.
[End Flashback]
Sophie: [Smiling] I still have that tiara, though.

Sophie: So, how'd you know Irina would go for the movie thing?
Nate: A European grifter who wants to be an actress? Lucky guess.

Sophie: This, this, this is my world! Okay, you need, you need someone to, I dunno, crawl through an air duct, you call Parker. Bash a head in? Eliot. Internet porn? Hardison! You need someone to take over a movie, then...
Nate: I ask an actor. Right. Um. Sophie. About the acting…
Sophie: Oh, yeah? What? What is it?
Nate: [looks around uncomfortably] You're right. You're right. You, you know, we're gonna, we're gonna go with your scene.

Eliot: She [Sophie] can't act!
Nate: Oh, she can act. When it's an act.

Hardison: You know you could have gotten killed. Did you even have an exit strategy?
Parker: [Apologetically] I didn't really think that far ahead.
Hardison: You don't work alone anymore, you know that?
Parker: I know.
Hardison: We're a team.
Parker: We're a little more than a team.
[Parker walks away and Hardison smiles]

Parker: Hey, Nate, I have to tell you something.
Nate: What? What is it?
Parker: [Whispering] We have to stop at Haagen-Daz.
Children: Haagen-Daz!!

The Juror No. 6 Job [1.10][edit]

Earnshaw: Nothing's more dangerous than the confused when they think they know something.

Juror 7: [whispering to Parker] I hope the rest of this case is this good. [laughs]
Parker: [whispering back] What'd you have for breakfast? You smell like gravy.

Quint: How much money are we talking?
[Sophie turned the sand pad, revealing the number 100,000,000]
Quint: [Sputtering] You…You're serious?
Sophie: I flew 14,000 kilometers to give you that number.
Quint: That's a very long trip.
Sophie: That's a very long number.

Hardison: I literally cannot make this slower or any more boring. Okay? You know why they say Justice wears a blindfold? So you can't see that Justice is asleep.
Nate: I am sure there's reservoirs of boring you have yet to plumb.
[Skip to Hardison presenting his case]
Hardison: Slide 162, this is, this is good stuff. Dr. Goldferb, hi, can you tell us how the chemicals work their way into the neurotransmitters?
Judge: Is this going anywhere, counsel?
Hardison: Oh, I assure you, your honor, the next 100 slides are essential.

Sophie: All I need for you is to settle your current legal matters. We can't go into business with you with bad press.
Quint: Earnshaw says if we settle, we open ourselves up to lawsuits
Sophie: We don't care about more lawsuits. With a billion people in the workforce, a few deaths won't raise an eyebrow.
Quint: Government won't crack down?
Sophie: Mr. Quint, it takes five years to get a parking permit.

Parker: What are we supposed to do now?
Nate: We win the trial.
Hardison: Wha—I'm sorry, the impossible trial? The trial that can't be won?
Nate: Yep. That one.

Parker: Alice made a friend!
Eliot: I'm gonna tell you one more time. You made a friend. Not "Alice."
Parker: Oh. Cool! Well, think she'll want to go steal a painting with me?
Sophie: Start small, Parker. Try coffee.

The 12-Step Job [1.11][edit]

Hardison: Don't get mad, but…I may have spilled slushie in your car.
Eliot: That's like forty-four ounces, Hardison!
Hardison: It's not that much...
Eliot: The lid is floating in the damn floorboard, man!
Hardison: Wow. You are…
Eliot: It's running into the backseat!
Hardison: Very dramatic.
Eliot: When we get back to the office, you're cleaning this up.
Hardison: Seriously? [Spots Jack leaving the bar]
Eliot: You're cleaning this up as soon as we get back!
Hardison: That's our guy.
Eliot: I'm not—Don't try to change the subject!

[Hardison gets a gun from gang members during a fight and shoots their car before he and Eliot run away.]
Eliot: Nice job, blowing out the engine block.
Hardison: I was aiming for his leg.
[Beat]
Eliot: Gimme the gun, Hardison!

[Hardison is stuck near a bomb that is about to explode.]
Hardison: It's, uh, a computer bomb, I—I know computers. Computer bomb, um…we, we gotta—we gotta reboot the system! Yeah.
Eliot: You want me to kick it?
Hardison: God, I'm goin' to die.

Hardison: [After a narrow escape from a bomb] I'ma go and…freshen up a little bit. Maybe cry a little.

Nate: I don't think I need to apologize for drinking. I need to apologize, maybe, for not drinking. Maybe I'm a bigger bastard sober than I am drunk. Huh.
Marcy: If this is you sober, hell yeah.
Nate: Thank you, Marcy.

[while in rehab, a detoxing Nate hallucinates a visit from Sterling]
Sterling: You know how to get rid of me. But that would violate all twelve steps, wouldn't it?

Sophie: [Over the phone] How did you break him [Hurley]?
Nate: Ah, well, um…
[Music playing in the background as Hurley is eating a taco]
Sophie: You took him out for tacos? Nate, you're enabling him.
Hardison: Whoa, whoa! I haven't slept in three days! I had a showdown with two different gangs, who now by the way know my face, I sat on a bomb, and all of this could have been avoided had you gave the man a taco?

The First David Job [1.12][edit]

[Nate is pointing a gun at Blackpoole]
Ian Blackpoole: Are you here to kill me, Nate?
Nate: Not tonight.
Blackpoole: Well, in that case, come in. There's shrimp. [walks away]
Nate: I do love shrimp. [tosses gun away]

Blackpoole: My wing in the museum opens this weekend. Little celebration for the fundraisers.
Nate: Yeah, blood money buys the best art.

Hardison: No, no, Nate. We haven't done any prep, we don't have our tools.
Parker: You want me to break into a secure storage facility with whatever I can scrounge up the buffet table?
Nate: Pretty much. Yep.
Parker: [Smiling] Cool.

Parker: [Excitedly] WE JUST STOLE AN EIGHT MILLION DOLLAR STATUE! On, like, our day off!

Jim Sterling: [To Nate, over Parker's comm] Let's see how many birds we have in hand. You know this is Parker's. Now, Alec Hardison?
Soldier: [Over Hardison's comm] Accounted for, Mr. Sterling. And we have the cash, too.
Sterling: Marvelous. Mr. Spencer?
Eliot: [Over the comm] Hey, Sterling. I got some dental work with your name on it. What do you say we hook up so I can give it to you?

[Hardison leaves a video message on the monitors for Sterling and his goons when they break into the Leverage offices]
Hardison: Hey, Sterling! Get out of our house!
[the screens switch to a countdown timer for a bomb]
[After they run out of the building]
Busey: Maybe he was bluffing.
[Building explodes]
Sterling: That's a funny thing about con men. They don't bluff.

The Second David Job [1.13][edit]

Nate: Grifter, hitter, hacker, thief. You were all trying to solve your version of the crime instead of just trying to…solve the crime. There’s a reason we work together.

Maggie: You actually expect this to work?
Hardison: No, you're supposed to say "Wow, that's just crazy enough to work!"
Sophie: Incredibly, chance does seem to bend itself to his bizarre machinations.
Parker: [whispering to Maggie] That's his superpower. [sniffs Maggie's shoulder]

Maggie: You can't just make somebody do what you want them to do.
Eliot: Whoa.
[Everybody chuckles]
Hardison: That's what we do. I mean…
Parker: [pets Maggie's head] You're adorable.

[As they begin to pull a con on Director Lloyd]
Sophie: [To Maggie] Okay, why don't you run up to him. Be just a little bit out of breath. It changes the speech rhythms, makes it harder to detect a lie.
Hardison: You see? Like that right there. It's informative.
Eliot: You learn, and you con.

[Hardison is excited about the number of results a mark got when searching victims of a curse]
Hardison: Eliot, what does that say?
Eliot: It says "dead".
Hardison: D-E-D, dead, baby.
Eliot and Nate: D-E-A-D!
Hardison: I... I know how to... I was throwing a little style in it, just a little bit. A little style. I know how to spell "dead," dammit! I can steal a bank, I can spell "dead"!

Sterling: Gotcha, Nate.
Nate: Yes, that was the whole point.
Security: Power's back up in about 15 seconds.
Sterling: What do you mean?
Nate: You know, all that chasing me around. 'Don't let Nate Ford near the two Davids.' 'How is Nate Ford gonna get the two Davids?' I wasn't the mastermind on this one, Sterling. I'm the bait.

Sterling: Extortion?
Nate: I prefer to think of it as oversight.

Blackpoole: [Realizing that he's about to lose everything] IYS is my company!
Nate: 'You can't let personal feelings affect policy'! 'You have a responsibility to shareholders'. No exceptions'. [Snatches the gun away] I have lost my only son. Do you really think you scare me?

Maggie: [Punching Blackpoole] Screw therapy! That felt really good.

Sterling: [to Nate, after the con] So, you know your entire plan depended on me being a self-serving, utter bastard.
Nate: [smirks] Yeah, that's a stretch.

Maggie: Will you stop now?
Nate: I don't know.
Maggie: Interesting. You admitting you don't know something.

Maggie: You are not the man I married.
Nate: Well, what do you think of this version?
Maggie: I don't love him. but I might like him a little more.

Season 2[edit]

The Beantown Bailout Job [2.1][edit]

[As Sophie is moaning over her failed performance]
Hardison: It-- You know I'm sure the reviews will be... [Sophie pulls up her phone] ...on the news, what? On the website already?
Parker: Really, wow. [Reading] "Never before has a production of the Sound of Music made me root for the Nazis."

Eliot: You quit drinking?
Nate: Yep.
Eliot: You quit drinking.
Nate: Sure did.
Eliot: You quit drinking? How'd you know about this place then?
Nate: I rent a condo upstairs.
Eliot: You rent a condo above the bar?
Nate: That's right.
Eliot: Well, that's very... Catholic.

Parker: I stole the Hope Diamond.
Nate: What?
Parker: And then I put it back. Yeah. Because I was bored. Didn't care.
Hardison: I spent three days hacking White House e-mail. No buzz.
Sophie: See?
Hardison: But we are doing some hinky stuff in Pakistan. Hinky.
Sophie: Look, I'm miserable, they're miserable. [to Eliot] Okay, what--what have you been doing the last six months?
Eliot: ... I was in Pakistan.

Hardison: You see what you did? You took the world's best criminals, hitter, [Eliot points] hacker, grifter, [Sophie raises her hand] thief, [Parker raises her hand] you took us and you broke us.
Nate: No, no, I... what I did, I taught you how to help people. That's, that's all.
Parker: Exactly.
Sophie: Yeah
Eliot: This is the problem, though, with being the good guy. You...you... get's under your skin.
Sophie: Look, Nate. You have to some poor little lost soul somewhere that needs a little extra-legal aid.
Nate: Look, we all...we agreed that we would just move on.
Sophie: Yeah, but...we're... we're thieves.

[Parker walks out of Nate's kitchen dressed as a nun]
Eliot: She's dressed that way 'cause she's doing a con.
Nate: What, you thought she was dressed like a nun for no reason?
Eliot: It's Parker.
Nate: Well, fair enough.

Nate: Sophie, how, how do you catch mob guys?
Sophie: Uhh, two glasses of Chianti and a story about my grandmom in Sicily.
Nate: How does the government catch mob guys?
Sophie, Eliot, & Hardison: Taxes.
Hardison: That's how they got Capone.
Sophie: That's how they get everybody. Yeah, they never get you for the crime; they always get you for the taxes. It's not really fair.

Eliot: That's why the businesses are clean; they're dirty from the inside.
Nate: Well, yeah, I mean, if you have a body in the trunk of your car, you're gonna drive under the speed limit, aren't you?
Parker: You know, when you're sober, your metaphors get creepier.

Eliot: This detonator-- If I'm around the corner, is this going to be in range?
Hardison: Should be. I haven't worked out all the kinks yet. Sometimes the thing just goes off.
Eliot: Whoa, whoa, wait! Hey! I thought you said this thing was safe!
Hardison: Mostly, mostly safe. I was very specific. Sometimes the frequencies get messed up.
Eliot: What frequencies, man, huh? I got these things in my pants.
Hardison: Like a, you know, a garage door opener, car alarm.
[Nearby a card alarm goes off, causing Eliot to flinch]
Parker: What are the odds that Eliot's crotch will actually explode?
Eliot: Dammit, Hardison!

Zoe: There are wolves in the world. That's what Dad says. "Be careful, Zoe. There are wolves in the world."
Nate: He was not wrong.

[After the con takes a bad turn]
Parker: Oh! They're probably gonna shoot Nate in the face!
Nate: Parker, I can hear you.

Leary: I was tricked. I was tricked! It wasn't... It wasn't me, you understand!
Lt. Benanno: Somebody tricked you into bringing a briefcase full of evidence of your own crime straight to the police? [Laughs] Come on, Mr. Leary. Nobody's that smart.

Zoe: Thank you. There are wolves in the world. [Looks at the team] But sometimes they're the good guys I guess.

The Tap Out Job [2.2][edit]

Sophie: I'm starving.
Parker: Ooh! Found these in the mini-bar.
Sophie: Pork rinds? How do you peel a pig?

[Sophie posing as a producer meets with the guy they're trying to hook]
Jed Rucker: What event are you here to produce?
[Sophie hesitates, Hardison hurriedly looks up local events, speaking in her earpiece]
Hardison: On it. Tractor pull in Grand Island... a livestock show in Council Bluffs... white people doing other white people things...

[After they've been found out by their mark]
Hardison: Look, you know what I can do? I can re-task a satellite. I can get a level-three NSA clearance. But I can't hack a hick.

Sophie: You don't have to do this, you know. Nate's gonna come up with something.
Eliot: I'm losing a fight, Sophie, I'm not diving on a grenade. I'll be all right.
Sophie: Yeah, I know, I'm not talking physically.
Eliot: I think my ego can handle it.
Sophie: Look, you told me it's about control, about knowing that you're never going to be the victim. And that's what keeps you going, right?
Eliot: You think I'm upset because I gotta let this guy kick my ass? I learned a long time ago that you can't control the violence. I can take the pain--that's what I do. What I need to control is not out there. [Puts his hand over his heart] It's in here. Always.

[During the fight with Eliot and Tank]
Sophie: Get the doctor, Parker, now.
Rucker: No need, it'll be over in a couple of minutes.
Sophie: You don't get it, do you? Eliot's not like other fighters! He doesn't play games! He fights to survive, that's his training. It takes all his control not to kill somebody! You've just made him more dangerous; you've taken the safety off the gun!

The Order 23 Job [2.3][edit]

Nate: I'm thinking!
Parker: Nate, hate to rush you, but Eddie goes to the prison in an hour, so...

Parker: So what do we do now?
Nate: Well, I just sent Eddie to the hospital. So let's go steal us a hospital.

Parker: So let me get this straight. You're a doctor.
Nate: Yeah.
Parker: What if someone asks you to deliver a baby?
Nate: I'd say I'm not an obstetrician.
Parker: What, a what?
Nate: A baby doctor.
Parker: Well, what if there's a train accident and there's stretchers everywhere and someone points to you and says "Hey you! Help me with this sucking chest wound!"
Nate: I'd stick my hand in the chest and, y'know, hope for the best.
Parker: Oh, you are so not operating on me.

[As Parker and Nathan watch on a computer monitor, the team's mark develops a spontaneous nosebleed]
Parker: Did you just give a guy a nosebleed with the power of your mind?

Parker: Is it just me, or has Nate gotten even more sadistic since he quit drinking?
Sophie: Is it just me, [grins] or does that make him even more attractive?

The Fairy Godparents Job [2.4][edit]

Hardison: Looks like an ordinary cell phone, right? It's not, man. It's a metal detector. See, it uses pulse-induction technology that sends out a current that generates a magnetic field, and then...are you even listening?
Eliot: Yeah.
Hardison: Well, what'd I say?
Eliot: You were explaining how you're still a virgin?

Nate: There are three general exceptions for house arrest: personal safety, death of a relative, and family events.
Eliot: Personal safety. We could burn the apartment down.
Parker: [excitedly raises her hand] Ooh! Ooh!

Widmark Fowler: I want someone to like me. Does that get easier when you're a grown-up?
Sophie: [long pause] Um, no, I don't think it does.
Widmark: You're nice. But weird.

Nate: Listen, we still got to get Fowler out of the apartment so that we can get in.
Parker: Except now when he leaves, there'll be someone waiting to kill him.
Hardison: Man, one of his victims wants payback more than he wants to be paid...back.

[As they hear Widmark singing]
Sophie: 'The play's the thing wherein I'll catch the conscience of a king.'
Nate: Ah. Sophie, how long will it take you to stage a musical?
Sophie: Six weeks.
Nate: You have two days.

[After hearing Judy Kim sing]
Sophie: Did--did...Did you just make that up on the spot?
Kim: Yes, ma'am.
Sophie: Huh. You really are quite relentless.
Kim: Thank you, ma'am.

The Three Days of the Hunter Job [2.5][edit]

Nate: Yeah, Sophie's gonna be doing this one.
Eliot: What?
Nate: Yeah.
Sophie: Yeah. I'm gonna be Nate on this one. Only, you know, nicer.
[Behind her, Nate makes a face]
Parker: But if you're gonna be Nate, who's gonna be you?
Sophie: You.
Parker: Me?
Eliot: I don't mean to obsess about the last time Sophie ran a con, but, I'm sorry, where we had to blow up the offices!
Sophie: Really, 'cause I don't remember that.
Hardison: I do.

[Sophie has taken the lead on the job, and is explaining it to the team with her usual flair]
Sophie: ...and then to protect themselves, they issue an apology to Mr. Pennington, and then they throw Monica Hunter into the jaws of the very media machine that she bent to her own malicious will.
Parker: Wow. I gotta say, Sophie's briefings are much more dramatic.
Eliot: And poetic.

Parker: We totally went to the moon.
Eliot: Movie sets. I've seen them, they're outside of Albuquerque.
Parker: Why would there still be sets there?
Eliot: Because they're gonna reuse them for the Mars mission, repaint them all red.

Sophie: She has to have corroboration from her own sources, she has to craft the narrative. Monica Hunter has to be the author of her own personal nightmare!
[Nate looks at her in disbelief, then turns to Eliot]
Nate: Do I sound that creepy when I--
Eliot: Hell. Yes.

[After seeing Monica beginning to lose it]
Sophie: Now that's what I call control.
Nate: Yeah, we might have, uh, pushed too hard.
Sophie: Please.
......
[After Monica drags Hardison with her to go to a military base for footage]
Parker: Too much.
Eliot: Little bit.

[Hardison is being held at an army base after their mark goes a little too far]
Hardison: [over comms] Get me out of here!
Sophie: Yeah, I--I'm working on it!
Parker: On it! [gets ready to leave]
Sophie: No, no, no, no! You cannot go. You're dead. Monica Hunter sees you and the whole con is blown.
Parker: Right.
Hardison: Damn the con! I am a black man caught on an Army base with a video camera! I am going to jail forever!

Hardison: Eliot, give me everything you can on a Lt. Abbot. Just, just do what I taught you.
Eliot: Now the http thing comes before the www, right?
Hardison: Eliot!
Eliot: And which one's the forward slash?
Sophie: Come on.
Hardison: It ain't the time, Eliot. It ain't--it ain't the time.
Eliot: You see, it's not that much fun when your hanging out there in the wind and there's a dude behind a laptop cracking jokes, is there?

Parker: I like it when we switch jobs. It's exciting.

[As she's being arrested and carried away]
Monica: I'M MONICA FRICKIN' HUNTER!!!!

Parker: Loch Ness monster?
Hardison: Loch Ness submarine.
Parker: NO!
Eliot: Yeah, those waters are cold and deep. It's the perfect place to test.
Parker: Area 51.
Eliot: True.
Hardison: False. [Looks at Eliot] False.
Eliot: It's true.
Hardison: No, she said Area 51.
Eliot: I'm sorry. False. Area 52.
Hardison: Been there.

Sophie: I'm a grifter, for better or worse.

The Top Hat Job [2.6][edit]

Eliot: [over comm] Hardison, we got a problem.
Hardison: What kind of problem?
Eliot: They're MRI-ing my pizza and their stance says ex-CIA.
Hardison: You can tell somebody worked for the CIA just from how they stand?
Eliot: It's a very distinctive stance!

Homeless guy: Remember when I said you had pretty hair? I was lying.
Parker: Yeah? Well, so was I when I said you didn't... wait, dammit.

Nate: So 'pizza delivery guy' was your big plan.
Hardison: You know what, man, it was recon, okay? Information gathering has historically been a very safe and peaceful business. And it was a food company. It wasn't like it was making weapons.
Nate: Listen, I worked insurance for companies like this. Anyone who gets their hands on the company’s food patents could cost them billions. And by the way, they guard that stuff better than defense contractors.

[During the pre-con briefing]
Hardison: This is the vice president of the frozen foods division, Erik Casten. Erik with a K, Casten with a C.
Nate: And how is that relevant?
Parker: Oh. Eric with a C? Nice and friendly. Erik with a K? Evil.
Sophie: I didn't know that.
Parker: Everybody knows that.

Nate: That's our way in. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. That's it. That's it. The state of the company meeting, here we go.
Eliot: What is that? I don't know what that is.
Parker: Me neither.
Hardison: It's like State of the Union?
Sophie: What is that?
Nate: Oh, right, right. You guys never had real jobs.

[After Eliot tells the team that he was once claustrophobic]
Parker: Really? How'd you get over it?
Eliot: I locked myself in a woodshed behind my house for a couple of nights. After that, I was fine.
Parker: That is so funny. I was scared of the dark and did exactly the same thing.
[Flashback: A young Parker pulls the trunk of a chest closed over herself as other kids are burying her under dirt]
Eliot: That's not the same thing. What's wrong with you?

[Hardison shows off his hacking skills using a cell phone]
Parker: You picked his pockets without stealing anything. Cool.
Hardison: It's what I do. A man, a phone, no limits.
Eliot: A man, a phone, no action. Come on, man, you left that out there like a hanging curve ball!

Eliot: How long is this gonna take?
Hardison: As long as it has to take. You know, I was just pulled up to the ceiling of an elevator by my pants, so do not take that tone with me!

[last lines: after the job, Eliot and Sophie talk about Nate]
Eliot: He's fine. We practically had to beg him to come back, all right? He's not drinking, he's at the top of his game. I gotta be honest with you, I can't even believe we pulled this one off.
Sophie: Well, that's the problem. He keeps winning. Every time he wins, he believes a little bit more that he can control... life.
Eliot: It's what gets him through the day.
Sophie: What happens when he loses? Last time he lost, it broke him. He breaks again, I don't think even we could pick up the pieces.

The Two Live Crew Job [2.7][edit]

[The team is trying to deal with a bomb sent to Sophie]
Parker: Is that C4?
Sophie: Ohh, Parker! Please don't poke at the motion-sensitive bomb.

[At Sophie's "funeral"]
Eliot: See any suspects?
Nate: No one jumps out at me.
Eliot: Me neither. What makes you so sure they're gonna show up?
Nate: Listen, when you go through the trouble of killing someone the likes of Sophie Devereaux, you make sure they're dead.

Sophie: Not much of a turnout, is there?
Nate: You're dead. You're not supposed to care.

[After meeting Marcus Starke]
Nate: Friend of yours?
Sophie: Well, if by that you mean murderous, treacherous, backstabber, then yes.
Nate: Thought so. Seems like your type.

[Parker is staring intently at Sophie]
Sophie: Stop it.
Parker: It's like you're haunting us.
Sophie: Parker, I'm not really dead. [Parker reaches to check her pulse] I'm not dead!

[As Sophie is telling the crew about her time with Marcus]
Sophie: Nate, remember? Remember that great run in Moscow?
Nate: That great run? I chased you for three months.
Sophie: Well, uh, technically, you chased us. Sorry.
Hardison: Are you saying that…you saw other teams before us?
Parker: So really he was just another Nate, before Nate.
Eliot: [To Nate] Let me ask you a question. What bugs you more, is it the fact that he was with Sophie first or that he outsmarted you?
[beat]
Nate: Moving on.

Sophie: Those were some nice things you said at my funeral.
Hardison: We trust Nate to make sure the plan works. We trust you to make sure we're all okay.

Nate: If you know about us, then you would know to get out of my city.
Marcus: It's still your city, Nate. I…I'm just gonna take her out for one night of cheap fun. I'll get her back to you in the morning.

[Hardison and Cha0s jump out of their vans and stare each other down a la High Noon]
Hardison: Cha0s. I heard you were in jail. Guess I was wrong.
Colin "Cha0s" Mason: Hardison. I heard you sucked. Guess I was right.

Hardison: You were scared to fight a girl.
Eliot: She'd mop the floor with you, Hardison.
Hardison: I don't care.
Eliot: Seriously, she actually killed a guy once with a mop. It's a funny story, actually. She broke the mop and took...

Nate: We know their strengths, we know their weaknesses—
Hardison: No, no, no, I have noted a distinct lack of weaknesses!

Mikel Diane: I can top that. [Shows a scar on her shoulder] Frag grenade, Somalia.
Eliot: [Rolls up his sleeve] Myanmar. Sniper.
Mikel: I was a sniper in Myanmar for awhile.
Eliot: [Nervously] When?
Mikel: 2003.

Sophie: You're the closest thing I've ever had to a real friend and, and...I've never heard you say my real name. How sad is that?
Nate: So tell me.
Sophie: Let me… Let me finish burying Sophie first. Finish burying the rest of them…until all that's left is me. Just me.

The Ice Man Job [2.8][edit]

Sophie: Go to Nate's storage cupboard. You're gonna find a sexy little mini-dress and my emergency Jimmy Choos.
Parker: Jimmy who? You have a body in Nate's closet?
Sophie: Shoes, Parker!

Hardison: The Iceman cometh.

Nate: All right, nice work guys. Tomorrow when he [Kerrity] shows up with the diamonds, state police will be there.
Eliot: Why, so they can arrest Hardison's ego?
Hardison: Be cool, baby. Ice cool.

Nate: You guys break into the vault before Hardison does so the Russians think he's doing it.
Parker: Why not? He's been taking credit for my work all day anyway.
Eliot: I had court-side seats! Tell Hardison when this is over I'm gonna break his friggin' arm!
Nate: [to Hardison over the comm] Eliot says 'Hi'.

Parker: There's no way Hardison's gonna be able to break into that vault.
Hardison: What is Hardison gonna do?
Nate: Hardison's gonna pretend to break into the vault.
Eliot: Yeah, well, hopefully the Russians will only pretend to kill him!

[Eliot is posing as store security, Hardison is posing as a British thief hired by Russians, who are watching them from outside]
Eliot: [as Hardison pretends to punch him to the floor] Next time, I play the thief.
Hardison: I'd like to hear you do an accent.
Eliot: [irritated, as he takes another punch'] I'd like to hear you do an accent!

The Lost Heir Job [2.9][edit]

Tara Carlisle: I checked you out, Mr. Ford. Half my sources say you're a vicious thief. The other half claim you're some sort of high-tech vigilante.
Nate: I like that. I should put that on my card.

Tara: There's a process to get Ruth Walton justice. It's called the probate court.
Nate: Right, the probate court, where Ruth will walk in with a sad story and no executed will? Yeah, let me know how that goes for you.

Tara: Either I'm in, or Ruth is out. It's your choice. [Leaves]
Nate: They're gonna hate this.
[Later]
Eliot: I hate this.
Hardison: You do not let Vicki Vale into the Batcave! Ever!

Hardison: She checks out. Civil rights lawyer. Does a lot of pro bono work. Collects lost causes like kittens.
Eliot: Well, she's honest.
Hardison: Crusader. Incorruptible...
[Tara steps out of the car and waves at them]
Hardison: ...And one sexy librarian.

Hardison: Man, I hope you got a plan "B" or "F" or something in the first half of the alphabet.

Orson: Blanchert said to keep it to ourselves because the mob was involved. That's all I know, I swear. I don't want to die in a prison riot. Please, call off your dogs!
Guard: Sorry, P.J. Time's up.
Nate: Right, so Blanchard paid the mob 50,000 dollars to kill someone named George Gilbert for Kimball. This should be an interesting meeting.
Tara: What dog-- Do I have dogs?

Tara: You can't pretend to be a lawyer in a courtroom.
Nate: Well, stick around. I'm about to practice medicine too.

[After finding out who Tara really is]
Hardison: So you help out by lying to us?
Tara Cole: I wanted to see just how good you really are, and show you just how good I am. You could consider it my audition.
Parker: I bet you're not even a lawyer.
Tara: Aw, Sophie was right, you are adorable.

The Runway Job [2.10][edit]

Sophie: Look, we didn't get along when we first started. And Eliot, how long did it take before you trusted me? Hmm? Eliot, you do trust me, don't you?
Eliot: That's not the point, Sophie.
Sophie: The last time one of you tried to grift, you wound up kidnapped by Russians.
Eliot: That's this brother right here.
Parker: Hardison.
Hardison: Uh, we, we still can't let that go?
Sophie: Listen to me. Tara Cole is the best. I wouldn't have sent her if I didn't trust her, and I know you're going to love her. So just--just give her a chance.
Eliot: She is hot.
Hardison: She's very hot.
Parker: Hot.
[everybody looks at Parker]
Parker: Warm? Cold? Why are we staring?

[laying out the first part of the con]
Nate: We need a Caprina. [walks away]
Tara: W-what is that…So he just says things and walks away?
Parker: Yeah, you're gonna have to get used to that.

Tara: OK, she's on the hook.
Nate: Great. Let's go steal a fashion show.
Tara: "Steal a fashion-" Does he always talk like that?
Eliot: You're on comms.
Nate: You do know I can hear you.

Eliot: What?
Hardison: Is that… Is that mascara? Dude, you got on guy-liner, man. And the leather pants, what the—
Eliot: This is, listen, this is fashion-y.
Hardison: If you're Steven Seagal.
[Tara chuckles. Annoyed, Eliot tears the scarf off and walks away]
Eliot: Don't. Don't!
Hardison: Not everybody can rock the scarf.
Tara: I was gonna say Steven Tyler, but Seagal works. [Chuckles again]

Tara: Nate Ford is arrogant, he's condescending, he just doesn't listen.
Sophie: Nate's having trouble communicating? I'm shocked.

Sophie: Just give it some time, Tara. You owe me.
Tara: All right, fine. But if he pulls this whole man-of-mystery crap again, I'm gonna kick his ass. And the whole "I'm sexy because I'm broken" thing only goes so far.
Sophie: I know, right—Wait, what?
Tara: I got to go.
Sophie: What do you mean, sexy? [Cut off]

Eliot: [slapping hands together] How am I supposed to find soy candles on such a short notice?
Parker: [punctuating each word with a point] Farmers. Market.

[After Tara and Eliot finish off the last of the Triad thugs]
Tara: Admit it, you kind of like me now.

Tara: And for what it's worth, Sophie was right. You guys are the best I've ever seen.
Nate: I know.
Tara: But no one in this world is as good as you think you are.

The Bottle Job [2.11][edit]

Mark Doyle: Is that Mistress Corra McRory?
Corra McRory: I don't believe we've met, Mr.?
Mark: Mark Doyle. This is Liam. This is Liam's brother.

Parker: Why don't we just send her to the police? I mean, I don't use them, but this is what they're for, right?

Parker: What kind of crook was your dad?
Hardison: Parker, you just...
Nate: He ran numbers.
Eliot: Let me get this straight. So, you--you stop stealing, you stop drinking, and you moved upstairs from a thief bar?
Parker: He did. I--I get that. You don't get that? Why does nobody else get that?

Tara: What are we supposed to do, steal the wake?
Nate: Whoa, have some respect. Borrow the wake, to save the bar.

[After Hardison fakes a weather report wearing some borrowed clothes]
Nate: Is that my jacket?
Hardison: You know what, man? You're lucky I'm not wearing your underwear. And the next time y'all call me, it better be for something easy. Like faking a moon landing.

Hardison: Whoa! Yeah, baby! Yeah! That's what I'm talking about right there! Yeah!
Tara: Okay, I didn't realize you were quite that into basketball.
Hardison: Ba-- Basketball? Woman, we just pulled off 'the Wire' in the time it takes to get a pizza delivered. This is a big win. Big. They gonna talk about this one.

Hardison: Using the Liams' cell phone, able to map the GPS fingerprints of their recent calls and analyze their patterns and movements throughout the city--
Eliot: Led us to a warehouse. We're in it now.
Hardison: Wai-- I--I'm sorry? Led you-- Led you to the warehouse? I had two cell phones in two minutes. Do you know who else can do what I do? CIA, MI6, and me.

Nate: I want him walking out of here with nothing.
Tara: You do realize this is insane?
Nate: Wow, you didn't say impossible. You're, uh... You're softening.

Tara: She warned me you were a drunk.
Nate: Yeah, well it's different than before. Before I used to think I was okay when I was drunk.
Tara: And now?
Nate: Now... [pours another glass] I know I'm not okay.

The Zanzibar Marketplace Job [2.12][edit]

[Sterling walks into McRory's Bar and comes up behind Eliot]
Nate: Eliot, I'm gonna ask you not to do anything violent.
Eliot: What... what are you talking about? I only use violence as a, as a, as an appropriate response.
Sterling: Hello, Nate.
[Eliot stands up, spins around, clocks Sterling with a right hook to the jaw, and starts kicking his ass around the bar; Hardison bribes the bartender not to call the police, and Parker grins]
Tara: And this is...?
Nate: James Sterling. We used to work together. Insurance.
Tara: He seems to rub Eliot the wrong way.
Nate: You think?

Parker: Maggie's the most honest person we know, but besides that, she's okay.

Parker: [to Maggie] It's your first time being a fugitive so I made you a bag.
Maggie: Thank you, Parker. [to Nate] It's not that I don't appreciate getting out of jail. I just can't live my life a fugitive!
Nate: But you're not a fugitive.
Parker: Passports, money, lock-picks...
Nate: You were released, not broken out.
Parker: Toothpaste, explosives. Do not mix these up.
Maggie: Thank you, Parker. But you released me to run. I'm not going anywhere until my name is cleared.
Nate: Right, right, and that's what I'm here to do! To get the egg back and clear your name!
Maggie: But you're clearing my name with thieves! No offense, Parker.
Parker: [confused] At what?

Sterling: [To Nate] Crime suits you. You're becoming a much better liar.

[Hardison suggests a vacation to Parker]
Hardison: Two weeks in Tokyo. We'd have a great time.
Parker: What are we stealing?
Hardison: We don't steal anything. We'd be tourists.
Parker: Not following you.
[later on]
Parker: So, I took your advice and did the whole touristy thing. Went to the museum, and it was amazing.
Hardison: You see?
Parker: Yeah. They have a Guardian T-840 Security System. I've only seen those things in books. And the motion detectors--ooh, gorgeous! Six digital receptors. Six!
Hardison: What about the paintings?
Parker: What about the paintings?

Tara: I got this one.
Eliot: Really? What're gonna say to him? 'Cause we got no cover story. We've got no background on this cat.
Tara: Okay. That's it then. I won't say anything. Really. Not one word. Just, when he turns around and looks at you, do that thing with your eyes that scares people.
Eliot: What-- I don't know what you're talking about--
Tara: [Smiling] Oh, you know exactly what I'm talking about.

Tara: What we imagine is always so much better than the reality.
Eliot: Like love?

Sophie: [via vid-cam] The Marketplace is a one-time event. Crops up in a city after an important piece has been stolen. You should have seen Stockholm after the Rembrandt heist. Parking was a bloody nightmare.

Nate: I was lying to you for your own good.
Maggie: Quick little hint for your next marriage. That excuse does not fly with any woman on Earth.

[As Alexander in puking in the garbage]
Parker: Don't worry. First bomb's always the hardest.

[After Eliot explains how he beat Sam's double-cross.]
Eliot:Its 101, man. After that, you don't have to be rocket scientist to figure it out.
Maggie: [Impressed] You know, people underestimate you, Eliot.
Nate:That's kind of the point.

[After hearing that Sterling was invited to join Interpol for 'recovering' the egg]
Parker: Interpol? Seriously?!
Hardison: Sterling's career gets another boost off of our hard work.
Tara: We didn't even get paid.
Hardison: Nope.
Tara: I hate this guy.
[Eliot clicks her glass bottle with his]
Eliot: Now you're part of the team.

Nate: I'm sorry I lied to you. Maggie.
Maggie: So am I.
Nate: This isn't what I want to do.
Maggie: Oh, now that's the lie.

Maggie: There's Irish whiskey in that coffee, isn't there?
Nate: Yeah. Little bit. Sorry.
Maggie: It's not the liquor that worries me. It's the fact that you're hiding it in your coffee cup. Nate... I meant what I said before. I really like the man that you've become. Too bad you don't.

The Future Job [2.13][edit]

[After Rand performs a cold read on Parker, forcing her to run away]
Tara: Damn.
Hardison: Damn.
Tara: He is good.
Hardison: He should be shot

Tara: So what do we do now?
Parker: Cut off his arms. And his head. Yeah. I wanna kill him. Can we make that happen?
Eliot: Yeah, I can... I mean, I could...
Nate: Or we could give him exactly what he wants... and then make the world think that he's the greatest psychic that ever lived, and then in front of the network and his audience, we destroy him.
Eliot: How do we do that?
Nate: We go and steal the future.

Rand: You want to know what the trick is? It's confidence. You believe what they're saying and they'll believe it too. Doesn't matter how many misses, 'cause it's the hits that they'll remember.

Parker: So what? Kusen has a secret and he's gonna kill Rand so he doesn't reveal it? That'd be good.
Eliot: No, you wanna kill someone, you don't get out and throw them in a van. You don't get out of your seat.
Nate: All right, Kusen needs Rand for his psychic abilities. That's why he's being so secretive around his wife.
Parker: So let me get this straight. We did such a good job of convincing Rand was really a psychic that we got him kidnapped.
Nate: Which means we have to find him, rescue him, and then, you know, take him down.

Hardison: We need more boxes.
Parker: And a lot of luck.
Eliot: Yeah, well, I think we used up all our luck on finding this place.
Hardison: Wha-- Hold, hold, hold on, man. You know what? It ain't luck, okay. Finding the perfect place to end a treasure hunt is a testimony to my intellectual prowess.
[Eliot drops a box on his foot]
Hardison: Ow!
Eliot: What? It's baby clothes.
Hardison: It says 'books', man!
Eliot: [grinning] Does it?

[As Kusen and Rand are being arrested]
Tara: They do make a cute pair, don't they?
Nate: Let's see, we got, we got assault, kidnapping, and burglary for our friend, Kusen. Garden-variety fraud for our psychic friend, Dalton Rand. Any way we can get them in the same prison?
Hardison: That could be arranged.

Tara: So all the people who thought he could talk to their loved ones on the other side, what's to stop them from falling for the next Dalton Rand?
Nate: Not a thing. [Walks away]
Tara: Then why do it?

[Later, at McCory's bar...]
Jodie McManus: There was a part of me that knew it wasn't real, but I didn't care. I just...missed Mike so much, I wanted to see him again so bad.
Nate: You will see him again. Maybe it'll be a look. [gazes at her pregnant belly] Maybe it'll be a gesture. Maybe it'll be the way he spreads peanut butter on a slice of bread. But when you see it, you'll know, and you'll say 'that's Mike'. And you know what, that's a miracle that no one could ever sell you.
Jodie: Thank you, Mr. Ford.
[After she and her brother get up and leave the table]
Tara: And now I see why you do it.

Hardison: "He who sells miracles will have the Devil knocking at his door."
Parker: What is that, a proverb?
Hardison: Fortune cookie.
Parker: Wha...?[Parker looks at him in disbelief]
Hardison: What? It started with "He who."
. . .
[later, after the con is finished]
Parker: He who looks for hidden money shall find it. If he is also a thief.

The Three Strikes Job [2.14][edit]

Nate: Mrs. Bonanno. I'm, um, Nate Ford. I just heard--
Wendy Bonanno: I already gave my statement.
Nate: No, I'm not a policeman. Um, I'm in a private sector. Your husband and I are colleagues.
Wendy: I appreciate you coming down here, but its not-- Nate Ford? He talked about you.
Nate: He did?
Wendy: He said you helped him with some cases and he wanted to buy you a drink...and then arrest you.

Nate: How does business work with you, Mr. Culpepper? Frankly?
Mayor Brad Culpepper III: Well, frankly, those who are with me from the beginning, they are at the front of the line. Those who are with me after the election, they're in the back of the line. And those who are against me...they are ground to dust.

Tara: I don't know. Culpepper doesn't strike me as the type to order a hit. Especially on something like a graft case. What's the big deal, you know? You get caught, you go on a two-day with your wife, you cry, you get re-elected.
Parker: Yes, it's the American way.
Tara: Exactly.

[Nate shares his idea for the con]
Hardison: Baseball?
Nate: Yeah, we're gonna steal this ballpark. [pause] And then the team. Not necessarily in that order.

[After the sloppy theft of their 'plans']
Tara: Worse thief ever.
Nate: Amateurs

Nate: All right. Good news, bad news.
Tara: Good news?
Nate: The mayor's hooked. We're in the pinch.
Tara: Bad news?
Nate: I think we lost Eliot till the playoffs.

Eliot: I left early, man. Huh? Bottom of the ninth.
Hardison: Excuse you, rudeness. I'm explaining the con. It's very complicated.
Eliot: Really? The mayor gives us a check and we deposit it in some company you connected back to him and it looks like he's embezzling from his campaign funds. [Give him a fake gasp and then turns to Nate] Bottom of the ninth, man. I had to walk off a single, man. Crowd goes nuts.
Hardison: That's--that not all there is, okay? We got--there's--there's the Bonnano thing. We got--
Eliot: What? We give Bonnano's notes to the newspaper, man. [to Nate again] They named a sandwich after me at T.J. Philbman's.
Tara: Ah.
Parker: Ooh
Eliot: Huh?
Hardison: I give it to you, man. A sandwich is pretty cool.

[As Hardison is remote-controlling his van to its destruction]
Hardison: I have always been and forever shall be your friend.

[When Special Agent Amy Nevins realizes she's been tricked]
Agent Alex: Isn't that your car?
Agent Nevins: Shut up.

[last lines: after the team escapes the FBI, a familiar face appears]
Sterling: James Sterling. Interpol. Just rolls off the tongue, doesn't it?

The Maltese Falcon Job [2.15][edit]

Culpepper: Sterling?
Sterling: Yes, like the machine gun, not the engine.

Sterling: During the course of my first investigation with Interpol, the city of Belbridge drifted into my vision. Your little operation came up. Imagine my surprise and delight when [shows her a photo] I saw Nathan Ford in the FBI case files.
Agent Nevins: Nathan? No. His name's Lionel Git.
Sterling: That's adorable

Nate: You want to walk away? Walk away.
Eliot: I'm not walking away.
Nate: Walk away.
Eliot: That's not my job. My job is to get your back, and Nate, I'm gonna do it, all the way down. But I need you to do your job.
Nate: And what's that?
Parker: Be Nathan Ford. Be the person we came back for.

Nate: Tony Kadjic's the one who pulled the trigger. I want to know exactly what he's up to and where he is.
Hardison: And how do you propose we do that?
Nate: Let's go steal a mayor.

[Sterling enters the room to check on the mayor and comes out in an instant]
Sterling: Name's Bob, right?
Agent Bob: Yes, sir.
Sterling: You've been here the whole time, Bob?
Agent Bob: Yes, sir.
Sterling: And nobody's gone in or out of here, Bob?
Agent Bob: No, sir.
Sterling: Then would you mind explaining...WHERE THE HELL THE MAYOR IS!?!?

Parker: This is hopeless. And it smells.
Eliot: How many ships left on the list?
Parker: Eight hundred.
Eliot: Sweet.
Parker: Yeah.
[Both approach Tara]
Tara: This is hopeless.
Parker: And it smells.
Tara: Yes! Like old clown shoes.
Parker: Rotting despair.

Nate: [Over the phone] Listen, I don't know who I am anymore, Sophie, and uh... You know when I was chasing you and everything, and when we were doing cons, I knew what I was, but not anymore. As crazy as this sounds, I-I need you to tell me, tell me when I'm going too far. I mean, it just-- It gets out of control and I just don't know who I am and... and you've always been...my compass, and...you know, I care about you more than you'll ever know because I lo-- I lo-- I lo-- I...

[As Parker is holding Tara off the side of a building]
Tara: You're really strong.
Parker: Yeah. I hang from buildings by my fingertips.
Tara: It's not what you think. I was setting up a meeting.
Parker: Actually, that was exactly what I was thinking. Bye now.

Culpepper: [On the phone with Kadjic] They killed my FBI handlers. They murdered them! And they cut them into pieces, and put them in a bathtub. Into a hotel bathtub!
Tony Kadjic: [To Nate] Is this true?
Nate: To be fair, [nods at Eliot] he did most of the cutting.
Eliot: Thank you, I appreciate it.
Nate: You work hard.

Tara: You know, you actually had me worried for a second, that you were gonna drop me.
Parker: [Gives a fake laugh] That is silly.

Nate: Sophie. You came back.
Sophie: Well...you needed me.

Tara: I hate to cut goodbyes short, but they're playing my song.
Eliot: Keep out of trouble.
Hardison: Or if you want to get in trouble again...

[After Nate surrenders himself and kisses Sophie]
Sophie: You call me, you tell me you need me, so you can do this? [Slaps him]

[Last lines of the season]
Agent Bob: Who hell is this guy?
Sterling: I don't know.
Nate: My name's Nate Ford...and I am a thief.

Season 3[edit]

The Jailhouse Job [3.1][edit]

The Italian: You know what they say. That Rome was not built in a single day. But it burned in one.

Eliot: He don't wanna do it.
Parker: Aw. But I love jumping on elevators!
Hardison: I know.
Parker: This is my special elevator rig you got me for Christmas.

Nate: Guys, no. I committed a crime, I got caught, and now I am gonna serve my time.
Sophie: Nate, what kind of world would it be if everybody that committed a silly little crime went to prison, huh? Complete madness.

Hardison: Nate, did you find us a client in prison?
Nate: Yes, we are going to help Billy Epping and maybe take down a warden at the same time.

Billy Epping: You stabbed me!
Nate: Oh, come on. Just a little. It's fine.

[Eliot is strapping Nate into a chair.]
Nate: This is just to sell the con, right?
Eliot: Yeah, it's to sell the con. Nate, do you know what I did to the last guy who tried to run a con on his own team?
Nate: [nervously] Are we okay, Eliot?

Nate: What about my team?
The Italian: They lead dangerous lives. Thieves die all the time.
Nate: Now that, you should not have said.
The Italian: I don't know. You seem highly motivated.

Sophie: [pointing at drink] So how's that going for you?
Nate: Thanks for asking. Good. What I realized is that I tried being a drunk honest man, a sober thief. So I am going to try being a drunk thief. Try that for a little while. You not gonna try to save me, are you?
[Sophie takes the glass, sips from it and hands it back to him]
Sophie: You're a thief now. You can save yourself.

The Reunion Job [3.2][edit]

Nate: What, are you lurking?
Eliot: Yeah. I'm a lurker. It's my thing.

Hardison: So we're on this.
Nate: Yeah. [grins] Well, we were always on this. I just wanted you to explain to me why. [Rises up and walks away]
Hardison: You know how I feel about mind games, Nate! Negatively! [turns to see Eliot grinning] What are you looking at, lurker?

Hardison: He is the CEO of Dubertech. Back in the 90s, he wrote the book on database security, and I mean literally wrote "the book". [Holds up the book]

Parker: For a den of evil spies, this place smells delicious. Hardison, confiscate some pastries.

Eliot: Nobody else thinks it's weird that you can just buy anybody's yearbook online?
Hardison: You know, it's real cute, man, how you still believe in privacy.

Eliot: Getting bullied in high school is not an excuse for propping up dictators. Look, take Hardison. He got bullied his whole high school career. He's not a criminal.
Sophie: [At the same time] Um, uh, think about that.
Parker: [At the same time] Yeah, he is.
Eliot: Not a bad criminal.
Hardison: Hey, what makes you think I was bullied in high school?
Eliot: FYA, you got a Green Hornet doll!
Hardison: First of all, it's a limited edition action figure. Second, it's Green Lantern. Educate yourself.

Sloan: Sir, your meeting with the Iranians is the 28th--
Duberman: Sloan, I've spoken to Davans, I've met presidents, prime ministers. I've got a yacht with a squash court. But what's the meaning of any of it if I can't rub it in their faces?

Sophie: An assassin? Nikki's an assassin?
Hardison: Yeah. I guess we weren't the only ones with the bright idea to pose as alumni. This chick's connected to wetworks jobs all down the east coast. Russian mob, Italian mob... There's a New Zealand mob?

Sophie: [As she's fighting Nikki/Miranda] I always hated cheerleaders.

The Inside Job [3.3][edit]

Nate: Are we ever gonna talk about that kiss?
Sophie: Kiss? Uh, I don't remember a kiss. I remember a slap. You're still working off the slap.

Nate: Let's go steal a Parker.

Hardison: Now Wakefield's a big player in the world cereal market. And by cereal, I mean wheat, corn, rice, all that stuff.
Sophie: So it's a grocery store.
Hardison: Yeah, if Godzilla's a gecko.

Charles Rushing: Is that really necessary? I mean there's a certain order--
Sophie: This company is on the brink. It is hemorrhaging money. Now someone will be blamed. Now I can either be your white knight or the angel of death. Your choice.

Sophie: Quiet and sneaky is fine if you're thinking like a thief. Thieves find entrances, but grifters? Uh-uh. We make them.

Nate: All right, guys, it's a party. But before we rescue Parker, we've gotta find out where she is.
Hardison: Nate, you do realize the entire building is looking for Parker? I mean the actual, physical building is looking for her. Look, any cameras that I piggyback, any sensors that I access, anything I do to find Parker, could lead the bad guys right to her.
Nate: All right, so what's your play?
Hardison: Wh-what's my play?? Nate, I'm hacking a security system that the Pentagon calls overkill with a laptop I found in the back of my car!

Parker: Laser trip wires. In a ventilation shaft?!

Nate: You couldn't beat the Steranko, even in your prime.
Archie: Which I'm long past, thanks for the reminder.

Parker: It's not an ASCII code, it's a shell code.
Eliot: That's great! You're awesome! Let's go!

Archie: You know there are days I regret...
Parker: It's OK, I would not have fit in with a family.
Archie: Now you have gone out and made your own.

The Scheherazade Job [3.4][edit]

Nate: Let's go steal the man on the street... in Africa.

Hardison: I am the Super-Skrull. Okay? I have all y'all's skills. I hack, I grift, I thieve.
Eliot: Do you fight?
Hardison: I have a dog for that. Name's Megabite.

[After Nate reveals the part he needs Hardison to play in the con]
Hardison: You know what you've done? You asked me to play the violin in front of people!
Nate: Yes, well, you said you were good.
Hardison: As a child! That was ten years ago!
Nate: Oh, c'mon, c'mon, Hardison. Listen, you know, told me you could do anything. You told me you were Super-Skull!
Hardison: Skrull. Skrull. Get it right. Super...Super...Super-Skrull. Who has the combined powers of the Fantastic Four. One of whom is not Itzhak Perlman!

The Italian: Mr. Ford, in the service of good, sometimes we have to deal with bad people and do bad things.
Ford: Really? 'Cause I work with a bunch of bad guys who are more honorable than you'll ever be. If we're gonna have this arrangement, never play me again.

Hardison: Nate... Hypnosis is something you do to a mark. Not your own crew.
Nate: No, no, no. It's exactly what you do to your own crew. Yeah, you push whatever button you need to, to get them to do what needs to be done. You wanted to know what other quality you needed to run your own crew. Well, that's it. And you don't have it.

[After Hardison and Parker leave]
Sophie: [To Nate] Alone again. If I didn't know you better, I think you like it like that.

The Double Blind Job [3.5][edit]

Fake FBI Guy: FBI, sir. That young lady's in our custody.
Hardison: Aw, see, you made two mistakes, bro. First, you flashed that fake-ass FBI badge at me. Second, [points at Eliot] you spilled his coffee.
[later, at the pub]
Nate: Where's Eliot?
Hardison: Oh, he had to change his shirt. He got coffee on it...and some blood, some teeth.

Nate: Since when do you question me?
Sophie: Since you went off the rails and we had to pull you out of jail and ended up getting blackmailed, thank you very much.
Nate: Fair enough.

Eliot: You realize the last guy that pushed Hoffman ended up dead.
Nate: Yeah, well, let him take his best shot. We'll see who walks away this time.
Hardison: [to Eliot] Prison's changed him.
Eliot: Better or worse?
Hardison: I'm not sure.

Sophie: You do realize that that stunt you pulled defines 'out of control.'
Nate: I just wanted you to see that I would never put any of you at risk if I wasn't willing to take the same chances myself.
Sophie: I love how you think that's comforting.

Sophie: I'm glad she finally got closure.
Parker: Who?
Sophie: Ashley.
[Parker crushes the beer bottle in her hands]
Sophie: You need to talk to him.
Parker: Who?
Sophie: Hardison.
[Parker crushes the bottle further]
Sophie: You don't like it when he talks to other women.
Parker: I don't care who he talks to.
[Sophie picks up a glass shard]
Sophie: What you're feeling is called jealousy, Parker.
Parker: [Laughs] I'm not jealous. No. I'm not jealous. No. It's just that when I see them together, I...Don't Like It.

Parker: So, I have to tell you something.
Hardison: Okay. [pause] Did--did you want to talk now?
Parker: Yeah, okay. So, the thing is, I think that maybe I might be having feelings. Like weird, weird feelings... f-for...[pauses, looks around] pretzels.
Hardison: Pretzels. Okay. Well, they're right here. When you want them.

The Studio Job [3.6][edit]

Hardison: Now, I rigged my laptop to record your com. Now this means that I can alter your pitch from anywhere to make you sound like Darth Eliot...
Eliot: [voice like Darth Vader] I don't speak on command, Hardison.
Hardison: ...to Spencer Smurf.
Eliot: [voice like Smurf] I don't speak on command, Hardison.
Eliot: Hardison.
Hardison: Don't ever do the Smurf thing again?
Eliot: Riiiight.

Kaye Lynn Gold: You ever been in love?
Eliot: Once.
Kaye Lynn: How'd it end?
Eliot: I made her a promise that if she ever need me, I would be there for her.
Kaye Lynn: What's wrong with that?
Eliot: 'Cause I made the same promise to the United States Government, and I found out you can't make that promise to more than one person.

Parker: I don't think I am being strange enough.
Nate: I doubt that.

Eliot: There's a price on my head in three different countries and I'm fairly certain a fatwa was issued!
Hardison: You are so vain, man. Boom, there, fan site nuked, but when you get back, we gonna have us a serious conversation about the difference between caution and paranoia.
Eliot: When you've done the things I've done, there's no such thing as paranoia.

Sophie: Sometimes you--you--you don't get a second chance to get it right.
Parker: Why not?
Sophie: Rules of life.
Nate: But that's exactly what we do. We change the rules.

Kaye Lynn: You can come with me, you know. You're a natural-born country star if I've ever seen one. Maybe the next Johnny and June?
Eliot: Some roads, you start going down, well, you can't turn back, and... I'm about a hundred miles down one of those right now.

The Gone Fishin' Job [3.7][edit]

Hardison: First rule of crime. Follow the money.

Hardison: What's that smell?
Eliot: Fresh air.
Hardison: I don't like it.

Eliot: Smell that?
Hardison: Smell death? Yes I do.

[Hardison and Eliot are handcuffed together and are being hunted]
Hardison: We wouldn't even be in this mess if you didn't want to go fishing! I coulda taken you down to Mama Pearl's Fish Shack and got you a catfish, two pieces, and a biscuit for $5.99! But instead you got us out here with trigger-happy Joes trying to fish us! And he's all too happy to shoot himself a Negro!
Eliot: Oh so this is a black thing now? Is that it? There's hunting me too!
Hardison: You're damn Skippy it's a black thing! Who did they try to shoot first, Eliot?! Who got punched first, Eliot?! Me! I'm about tired of the redneckedness!
Eliot: Damn it, Hardison!
Hardison: Damn it, Eliot!

Nate: Now, there are railroad tracks a mile and a half west of the camp. Can you get there?
Hardison: Sure, but what if there's no train?
Nate: Oh, there will be. We're gonna steal you one.

Nate: You're going to go toe to toe with these guys without a plan?
Hardison: Oh we have a plan, it's called C.W.A.
Eliot: Can of Whoop Ass.

Eliot: You feeling confident?
Hardison: No-o-ot really.
Eliot: Good, cause overconfidence can kill you faster than a bullet any day. Fear's good.
Hardison: Oh, I have fear. And doubt. And really serious regrets. I should be fine.

Nate: Next time I steal you a train, get on it.
Hardison: You're not gonna rain on my parade. I made a bomb out of a menthol light.

Eliot: That's the difference between a real soldier and this little Halloween outfit you got going on. You'd kill to protect your rights. A real soldier, he'd die to protect somebody else's.

Parker: Who knew a sedan could hit 140?
Sophie: Parker, you are never to get behind the wheel of a car again, okay? Never.

The Boost Job [3.8][edit]

Nate: That was hotter than Mr. Toad's wild ride.

Penzer: You want to buy Veronica here?
Nate: Veronica? I thought Betty was the fast one. Who knew?

Hardison: Exactly how is this gonna get us Lefty's attention?
Parker: Well, car thieves are territorial, all right. You bring a car like this to a local chop-shop, every boost in town knows there's a new player. Also, this is Lefty's car.

Parker: All right. Chop shops are a quick and dirty setup. There's probably gonna be one, maybe two guys in here cutting up their latest catch.
[After driving in and finding at least a dozen people inside]
Hardison: We're gonna need a bigger boat.

Parker: We have to convince them that they need us. It's not gonna be easy, and they might shoot you a little.

Sophie: Do you know why driving this car is like making love to a beautiful woman?
Customer: Because I have never done either?

Hardison: Wait! Hold up. You told her?
Eliot: I should have known. You're a menace, Parker.
Parker: What? She deserved a chance.
Hardison: Nate is going to kill you.
Eliot: I'm going to kill you.
Parker: Oh, stop whining!
Eliot: I got hit by a car!
Parker: [mocking] "I got hit by a car" ... Get over it!
Eliot: I'm gonna kill her, man. I'm gonna kill her.
Hardison: Hey! Hey! Nobody's gonna kill anybody. Seriously though, Nate is going to kill you.
Josie: Wait, wait, wait, who are you people?
Parker: WE'RE THE GOOD GUYS!

Eliot: Damn it, Parker, where'd you learn to drive?
Parker: Before I stole cars I was a getaway driver.
Hardison: Before? You started stealing cars when you were twelve.
Young Parker: [flashback] Get out of the way you old bat!
Parker: Get out of the way you old bat!

The Three Card Monte Job [3.9][edit]

Sophie: They're gonna kill Hardison.
Hardison: They're gonna kill who? No they ain't! I bet you they ain't! Nate, you gotta stall!

Hardison: Wait a minute. Look, my only way out is the front door. Are they coming through the front door?
Nate: I don't know.
Hardison: What you mean you don't know? You better say something, I swear on my momma I will blow a hole through your bedroom and Spider-man out the side of this building. You better tell somethin'!

Jimmy Ford: You always thought you were smarter than me. Brighter, better than me. Everyone in the neighborhood always treated me with respect, but my own son--
Nate: What'd you do to respect exactly?
Jimmy: My son, my altar-boy son, well, hey listen to you. Never broke the law. Never broke a rule. Look at you now. You're a thief. You've done time.
Nate: If you know what I've been, then you know this is my town now. And I don't want you running game in it.
Jimmy: All your life, you thought you were better than me and now you're trying to be me? You can't be me. You don't have the stones for that. You're not tough enough, you're not ruthless enough. You don't have what it takes.

Jimmy: [To Nate] You interfered. How unlike you.
Peta: Where I come from, this is not tolerated.
Jimmy: We're nowhere near were you come from, so just shut up.

Peta: I don't like you.
Nate: [Sarcastically] Gee, does that mean I can't come to your birthday party and ride the pony?

Hardison: [to the Russian mobsters he's just locked in a cage] Age of the geek baby, stay strong.

Jimmy: You betrayed your own father. You're more ruthless than me. Crueler than me. Yeah. Maybe you are better than me, huh. I'm proud of you son.
Nate: Enjoy your retirement.

The Underground Job [3.10][edit]

Sophie: The Skagway Shuffle.
Nate: Yeah. That's what I was thinking.
Hardison: See, now y'all are just making stuff up.
Sophie: It's like the Fiddle Game.
Nate: Yeah, only underground.
Parker: Is Eliot going to be the fiddle again?
Nate: No.
Sophie: No.
Parker: Can I be the fiddle?
Nate: No.
Sophie: No.

Sophie: [Explaining to Parker how to grift] Find the right combination and you can unlock the mark's trust. And then you can steal her...
Parker: Soul.
Sophie: I was gonna say confidence.

Sophie: What are we going to do, Nate?
Nate: We are going to convince him that you are a lying, greedy bitch.

Eliot: That will give us enough time to find the bomb.
Hardison: Oh yeah, plenty of time. Meanwhile, I will be here, in the van, as far away from the mine as possible. My dude, go with God.

Hardison: Nicely done.
Parker: I had a little help from Sophie. But yeah. I nailed it. I'm a grifter. I grift.
Nate: Yeah. You do know you don't get to keep the money.
Parker: Don't ruin it.

The Rashomon Job [3.11][edit]

[As the group is arguing]
Nate: Hey, hey. What is this? I thought we were supposed to be, uh, finding Moreau.
Sophie: This is more important.
Nate: More important? We don't find Moreau, I might go back to prison forever.
Sophie: Oh, shush. You did fine in prison the first time.
Eliot: You got in shape.
Parker: Yeah, you look good in a jumpsuit.
Hardison: [Upset] Learned how to hypnotize people.

Sophie: When I started telling them about one of my finest jobs ever...
Eliot: But I know she's lying.
Hardison: She's a grifter. It's her job.
Parker: Wait, I'm confused. Now, she's lying about lying?

Eliot: [on the phone] Why are you sending second-rate thugs to try and kill me?
Thug: [looking offended] Hmmmm?
Eliot: If I'm not honest with you, you can't improve.
[Thug nods and grunts in agreement]

Sophie: It was en route. That's like stealing my mail.
Parker: What, is stealing mail a crime?
[Sophie glares at her]
Parker: Oops.

Eliot: I am going to sharpen this knife and then walk around the halls in the dark... Don't leave.

[After hearing Hardison's story of the theft and realizing someone must have stolen the dagger]
Nate: Now, Sophie [Lifts up the first cup; empty] didn't have the dagger. Eliot [Lifts the second; empty] didn't have the dagger. Hardison [Lifts the third; empty] didn't have the dagger.
Hardison: [Whispering to Eliot] I still beat you.
[Nate looks at Parker, who looks up at him slyly. Nate taps the table and Parker holds out the crumpled bill]
Parker: [Grinning] Yeaaah.
[Sophie blinks at her in stunned surprise]
Parker: What?! I'm a thief!

Sophie: [after Eliot, Hardison and Parker butcher her accent in their stories] I hate you all.

[As Hardison, Eliot and Sophie argue over who may have stolen the knife.]
Parker: Nate.
Nate: [Grinning] I think you're all forgetting to ask yourself one simple, crucial question.
Eliot: What?!
Nate: Well the question is who is the insurance company for the dagger of Aqu'abi?
Sophie: No...
Eliot: You've got to be kidding me.
Hardison: Ah, man.

The King George Job [3.12][edit]

Nate: Okay, let's go steal a royal title.

Nate: Do you want to go to London?
Sophie: Let's go steal an auction.

Sophie: I love Claridge's Auction House. Even the air feels more expensive.

Hardison: Apparently, their computer system is also an antique... possibly steam powered, which would be cool.

[As Parker fishing through the antiquities]
Parker: And...statue. Gold guy. Uh, loincloth, feral beard, and very rectangular feet.
Nate: Falcon head, dog head, or human head?
Parker: Bird head. And I think he's smirking at me.

Nate: It's just a title nobody holds.
Parker: And does it come with a castle?
Sophie: Sometimes, yeah.

Nate: Good guess.
Sophie: It's not really a guess when it's that good, is it?
Nate: The name of this con is called "The Mummy's Tiara."
Hardison: Come on, man, that can't be real.
Parker: Am I gonna have to steal a corpse again?

Eliot: I got your turpentine, got your, uh, walnut oil, by the way, which I purchased from a very stunning vegan chick, so thank you for that, a bucket of soot...it's everywhere.
Hardison: Ah hah, thanks, E. Way to get your hands dirty.
Eliot: [picks up a rag and starts to clean his hands] Thank you.
Hardison: Hey, put that down man, that's my paper.
Eliot: It's a rag.
Hardison: No, that's what printers used to make paper back in the 1700's. Use a moist towelette, please and thank you.
Eliot: What's that smell?
Hardison: ...You don't wanna know how they wet the paper back in the day.
Eliot: [grabbing lots of moist towelettes] Did you--
Hardison: Do not ask me, man.
Eliot: Dammit, Hardison!

Hardison: I've hacked history! I've hacked history, people!

Nate: Did you take care of the auctioneer?
Parker: Yeah. Sophie told me to find out his deepest wish and give it to him, but I thought that would take way too long so...
[Flashback]
Parker: [to the auctioneer] Does this rag smell like chloroform to you? [presses the rag in his face until he goes unconscious.]
[Flashback end. Nate stares at her]
Parker: What? He's going to wake up in like 3 hours.

Eliot: You want me to stall them? They're former British paratroopers.
Nate: How do you--
Eliot: Haircuts, all right? It's a very distinctive haircut.

[When they find a possible lead to Moreau in Mark Vector]
Parker: Great. Let's get him.
Hardison: There's a problem. Struck a deal with the Feds. He's protected.
[Nate slowly smiles]
Hardison: What are you-- What-- What's the smile? What are you smiling at? What is that?
Sophie: Ah, oh no. No, no, no.
Nate: Oh, yeah. Let's go steal a federal witness.

The Morning After Job [3.13][edit]

Sophie: You watch hockey fights, alone, at night, in your room?
Eliot: Yeah. You never know if you're gonna have to fight a guy on ice.

Nate: All right, so when his partying gets him into hot water, who does he call?
Parker: Ghostbusters!
Eliot: Again?
Eliot: All right, Nate, the guy in the bed with the dead hooker con is up and running.
Hardison: Hey, man, it's called the Vegas Wake-Up Call.
Eliot: No, it's not, all right? In the Vegas Wake-Up Call, the boyfriend shows up.
Hardison: No, he doesn't!

Sophie: So. It's the lawyer, the prosecutor, the deal, and the dead girl in the bed. It's the Cuban Sandwich.

Parker: [after she tasers the mark] I am really starting to enjoy tasing people. Is that a problem?

The Ho Ho Ho Job [3.14][edit]

Parker: Okay, bad enough it's Christmas and there's no snow on the ground, but this is Santa we're talking about, okay? We can't turn away Santa!
Nate: You know that's not really Santa, right?
Parker: Obviously. Santa lives at the North Pole.

[Eliot is working as a mall Santa]
Annoying Kid: I want a Rubbery Robby!
Eliot: You're gonna get a Sammy spanking, you don't get off my lap.

Parker: You're Santa! Respect the suit!

Sophie: Who is this?
Cha0s: Hello, Sophie. It's the Grinch who stole Christmas.
Sophie: Cha0s.
Cha0s: Long time, no try to kill you.

Nate: The plan is... to figure out the plan in the car.

Santa: You are high on the holiday spirit.
Dooley: Yes, I am! And pills mixed with morphine. I can't believe you let me drive here.

[Hardison is in disguise with other FBI agents and they just caught Cha0s]
Cha0s: You hafta admit, it was a good plan.
Hardison: Yeah. There's one thing you didn't count on...
Cha0s: [as he's being carted off by agents] Ohh no...
Hardison: You forgot...
Cha0s: No...
Hardison: About the true meaning...
Cha0s: No, don't you say it!!
Hardison: ...of Christmas.
Cha0s: My God, that barely applies here!!
Hardison: [smiles] Ho ho ho.

Eliot: You bought us gifts?
Sophie: Oh, I wouldn't say that, exactly. We, ah, obtained.

The Big Bang Job [3.15][edit]

Parker: Does it blow up?
Hardison: Not everything blows up, Parker.
Parker: Everything blows up, silly.

Nate: Let's go steal the Department of Defense.
Parker: Isn't that treason?
Nate: We'll give it back.

Nate: Please do not antagonize her.
General Atherton: She's another anti-war local hack. I can handle her.
Nate: Ah, no, no, no. She's an angry ex-schoolteacher with subpoena powers. She will make your life hell. Trust me. Happy face. Happy face. Let's go.

Hardison: [about the corpse they are using to fake Atherton's death] You said 'white male John Doe,' I got you a white male John Doe. This ain't the Gap!

Parker: Who taught you how to drive?
Sophie: Taxi driver in Istanbul.
Parker: [grins] I like it.

Hardison: We got to get on that freight car.
Parker: I have an idea.
Sophie: Am I gonna hate it?
Parker: No, but he is.
[Later]
Parker: You got an idea?
Hardison: Yeah.
Parker: Am I gonna hate it?
Hardison: No, but I am.

[Hardison is disarming the EMP Bomb]
Parker: What are you doing?
Hardison: This battery is one of a kind. Now, if I do this right, I'll overload the batteries, they explode, and this thing will be worthless.
Parker: And if you do it wrong?
Hardison: Uh...the bomb triggers a giant EMP pulse, Washington, D.C., is fried, thousands will die, and we go down as the biggest terrorists in American history, but we'll be dead too so it's not really our problem.
Parker: There's that.
Hardison: There is that.

Chapman: [holding a gun on Eliot] You said you didn't like guns.
Eliot: I don't. [quick-draws and shoots him three times] Never said I couldn't use 'em.

[Parker and Hardison are hanging onto a train after causing a minor explosion]
Parker: [excitedly] You know what I'm in the mood for?
Hardison: What?
Parker: Pretzels.
[She grins and hurries off, leaving Hardison looking wondering, before he also grins]

Moreau: Who are you!?
Nate: You know how it feels like you've been poked by a stick, you know, over these last six months or so? I'm that stick.

The San Lorenzo Job [3.16][edit]

Nate: General, I understand you're taking quite a risk to yourself and your family by talking to us. We certainly owe you a debt.
Flores: No. I am the one with the debt. Spencer saved my life. Twice.
Eliot: Once. And a half.
Parker: How do you half-save someone's life?
Eliot: Because I was the one that was sent to kill him. So I figure that only counts as a half, right?
Hardison: That actually makes sense.

[After capturing Flores]
Moreau: Okay, don't blame yourselves for this. Ribera makes sure I stay safe so I make sure he stays president. Actually, to be fair, I wouldn't have found Flores if you hadn't contacted him, so go ahead and do blame yourselves.

Nate: Now, we've been in this situation before, I pushed you into it.
Parker: You were drunk. Suuuuper drunk.
Nate: Thanks, Parker. I remember that.

Nate: Let's go steal a country.

Nate: No, no, no. This guy's awful.
Sophie: I have to agree with Nate. And you know how much I hate doing that.

Sophie: Nate, I have to say, of all the deceitful, unprincipled, corrupt things I've done in my entire life, nothing's as bad as--
Nate: Politics?
Sophie: I can't even say it.

Sophie: Nate, if stealing a country was easy, everyone would do it.

Vittori: I think I hate you.
Nate: You know, I'm okay with that.

[After capturing Nate]
Ribera: Okay, I have CNN, I have BBC, I have the UN election inspection general all calling for my blood. Can I kill him yet?

Flores: Who are you?
Parker: I'm supposed to tell you, 'we'd be the Cavalry'.
Flores: Spencer.

Damien: I have the media. I have the guns. I have the--the government!
Nate: You know what I have? I have a 24-year-old genius with a smartphone and a problem with authority. You really never stood a chance.

Sophie: Don't cry for me, San Lorenzo.
Nate: You are utterly unclear on how to be dead. This is the second time in two years you've shown up at your own funeral.

Nate: Yeah, you have every right to be proud.
Sophie: I am. I'm proud. You know, we didn't just con someone, we built something.
Nate: Well, we did subvert democracy.
Sophie: Ugh. Eggs, omelet.

Season 4[edit]

The Long Way Down Job [4.1][edit]

Sophie: Just how dangerous is this gig you took without checking with us first??
Nate: Yeah, uh...
Hardison: Ridiculously dangerous! It's like a danger cupcake with murder icing.

Eliot: [to Nate] You're very good at what you do, but you can't con a mountain.

Sophie: Nate, I'm at a party full of drunk millionaires far from home who are dizzy from lack of oxygen. It's like grifter Christmas in here.

Nate: Let's go steal a mountain.
Parker: Again.
Nate: What?
Parker: Again. We already stole a mountain, two years ago.
Nate: We did?
Eliot: Well, technically it was a resort, not a mountain, but yeah.
Hardison: You were also very drunk on that one.

[After hearing Sophie conning Drexel]
Karen: She's kind of scary.
Nate: You have no idea.

Nate: You're emotionally involved. It leads to bad decisions.
Hardison: I'm sorry, did you just say that? With a straight face?
Nate: Not helpful. Not helpful at all.

Sophie: I'm running out of cons here.

Eliot: We can't send another climber on the ridge, no.
Eliot: You sure about that?
Nate: What do you mean?
Eliot: 'Cause I got a footprint. Russian. Spetsnaz.
Parker: [Incredulously] Seriously?
Eliot: It's a very distinctive footprint.

Nate: Now let me get this straight. When I said--when I said "simple stall," you heard..."multi-national, high-finance feeding frenzy," right??
Sophie: Tomahto, tomato.

The 10 Li'l Grifters Job [4.2][edit]

Nate: Okay, okay, it's not what it looks like.
Hammett: Looks like Morris Beck's been murdered. You're left holding the bag for it.
Nate: Maybe it is what it looks like.

Parker: I've never been to a costume party.
Sophie: Now that is just heartbreaking.

Eliot: [Angrily, over the comm] Why'd you have to dress me up like Howdy Doody?!
Sophie: Actually, Charlie Siringo was a real-life cowboy and a Pinkerton detective.
Eliot: Why couldn't you have picked me something normal, like Hardison?
Hardison: Excuse you? No way in the world I'd have picked Encyclopedia Brown as my....these ugly-ass penny loafers.
Sophie: Hardy Boys. You're the Hardy Boys, and Parker's Nancy Drew.
Eliot: Yeah, well, why did Nate get to pick his own gear?
Sophie: Because he's just a bit more of a whiny baby than the rest of you.

Nate: Let's go steal a murder.

Beck: Welcome...to this year's gala. Or, as I like to refer to it, "Humiliation 101." [Laughs]

Hardison: Nate, we got a problem. This place isn't just off the grid, it's in a whole damn time warp.
Parker: Definitely 1850s. Before the Civil War.
Nate: It's old? That's the problem?
Hardison: It's prehistoric. It's totally analog, all manual. There's a junction box on every damn floor. There's no computers, nothing to crack, nothing to hack. [Lights flicker off and on] And that is on my last nerve.
Nate: Hardison, what's the rule?
Hardison: Don't bring up a problem unless you got a fix.

Sophie: All right, it's your bar. Think. It's what you do.
Nate: Yeah, thanks, yeah.
Sophie: But while you're thinking, think about this. Are you climbing into that bottle because of what you think we see when we look at you, or because of what you see in the mirror?

The 15 Minutes Job [4.3][edit]

Nate: I can resist the spotlight, by the way.
Sophie: Of course you can. Never see you taking any kind of victory lap after you've pushed us all to the edge, or sticking around to gloat over the bad guy being dragged away.
Nate: Hm. Is that sarcasm?
Sophie: A mild amount.

Hardison: Rockwell's brilliant, he's ruthless. Stone-cold solid. It's a shame we got to take the man down. I'd almost consider making him a part of the team.?
Nate: Yeah, uh, Rockwell has his boot on my friend's throat, Hardison.?
Hardison: I said, "almost."

Parker: This guy's not a hero.
Nate: No. He's the only thing better than a hero. He's a mystery.

Sophie: [to Nate] He [Rockwell] works from the shadows deciding who to take down, convinced he's making the world a better place, implying a certain moral superiority over his victims. Any of this sound like someone we know?

Nate: I mean, what we're really asking here is how would I destroy myself.?
Parker: Yeah, and you can't say "booze."

Parker: [on grifting the mark] I think I'm getting better at this.?
Hardison: I'm cloning Rockwell's cell phone right now. Good work, girl.?
Parker: I didn't even stab him!
Hardison: Yeah--we are so proud of you. Uh, no stabbing Wednesdays. New tradition.

Sophie: Well, the guy we're clearing out was a fireman for 43 years and just donated a kidney to his best friend.
Hardison: We're not gonna hurt him.
Sophie: I'm just saying, it's lucky we don't believe in hell.
Hardison: Nate believes in hell. Shoot, I believe in hell.
Sophie: Oh, yeah.

Sophie: Consciously or not, I think you look at Reed Rockwell and see everything you hate about Nathan--
Nate: Any way I can get you not to finish that thought?

Sophie: You know, for a while there you were an honest man. And then for a while you were a thief.?
Nate: Yeah, well maybe I'm both.?
Sophie: You can't be both. I'm just not sure at this point which one I want to win.

The Van Gogh Job [4.4][edit]

Eliot: Where are you at?
Hardison: I'm in a damn storage closet. Smells like mothballs and old people.

Sophie: Hello, little hidden key to a safety deposit box.

Sophie: You can't possibly know that's the real story.
Nate: No, but it's the best story.

Parker Take care of yourself Charlie.
Charlie: That's one thing I've always done...There's one thing I want to tell you. [He glances from Parker to Hardison then back] Don't waste time.

The Hot Potato Job [4.5][edit]

Eliot: She gotcha, man, you got a little blood right there.
Hardison: Yeah, she got a right hook like a freight train.
Eliot: She put her hips into it?
Hardison: I'm pretty sure she did.
Eliot: That's my girl!
Hardison: Stop. Don't teach people how to do that!

Nate: Burn room?
Hardison: It's usually a vault within a vault. The walls are lined with thermite. All he has to do is press a button and flame on. All his dirty secrets burn away.
Parker: Everything burns? I want one.

Hardison: [after stealing an ID] And what? Say something now.
Eliot: [sarcastically] Yeah, one good lift in three years. Awesome!

Parker: So, we have to fool the security system to get the banana?
Nate: Potato.
Parker: Whatever.

Nate: On the other hand, sometimes old school really is the best kind of security, I mean...
Hardison: [whispers to Trevor] No, it's not.
Nate: What?
Hardison: I'm listening. [whispers to Trevor] He's old.

Parker: So the diamond is in the potato?
Hardison: Par...There is no diamond. VerdAgra. Super tuber. Haven't you been listening?
Parker: Not really.

The Carnival Job [4.6][edit]

Eliot: I thought we were supposed to hate the guys that we take down.?
Nate: Not a requirement, a perk... usually.

Hardison: But it's not--it's not what you think, at all. It's an ASCD, an Automated Safe Cracking Device.?
Parker: I'm a safe-cracking device. [Stomps out]
Nate: [walking into the frame and looking at Hardison] I told you not to call it Parker.

[When Molly is kidnapped]
Nate: No, this can't be an abduction. This is K&R. The Russian buys, they want the chip. We are on a reset. Our main objective is the girl. We find her, bring her back safe. We lose the chip if we have to. We burn Connell if we have to. Anyone have a problem, speak now.

Nate: Eliot, we're gonna need to know if anyone has left the carnival.
Eliot: Forty seconds from the main entrance. Nate, if I'm engaged...
Nate: Do your worse.

Hardison: [Instructing Eliot with chemicals] Now mix and run like hell.
Eliot: [sets off a minor explosion with thick smoke] Dammit, Hardison! A little warning next time!
Hardison: What you think "run like hell" meant?

Hardison: I didn't make her to replace you. I would never want to replace you. I--she's--she's for you.
Parker: I love it. I'm gonna call it Hardy.

The Grave Danger Job [4.7][edit]

Nate: Darlene Wickett and her sons are embezzling money from the dying and grieving. It's the oldest grift in the book.?
Sophie: And the cruelest. Even I never ran that one--it's tacky.

Parker: Okay, she's a horrible human being, but she's got solid taste in home security.

Parker: Never plan a heist in a building with so many windows.

Parker: [Hardison is currently buried and struggling] Sophie, he's losing it. He needs you.
Sophie: Parker, listen to me, you have spent a disproportionate amount of your life in air ducts. You more than anyone know how control your breathing. He doesn't need me. He needs you.

Hardison: Put me in a coffin. Here it comes to you. Got something for you. Boom. Evidence. Get it, get it, get it, get it.
Nate: Is that really necessary?
Hardison: The man put me in a coffin, Nate. A damn coffin.
Nate: That's true.

The Boiler Room Job [4.8][edit]

Eliot: Where's--are we waiting on Parker??
Hardison: Oh, man, she's at that damned chocolate festival. It's like sending a crack addict to a cocaine convention. Girl texted me about an hour ago, misspelled every damned word. Look, "yu gedde yesh dis stuf." Probably got chocolate all over the buttons.?

Parker: [over the comms] Hi, Hardison!?
Hardison: Um... hello??
Parker: Nate won't tell me what the name of the job is.?
Nate: Parker, not now. Please?
Parker: Yeah, but what are we stealing? Is it "let's go steal a mountain" or a potato or a funeral or a panda or...
Hardison: I told y'all not to let her go to that festival unsupervised.

[Sophie has just wowed the team--and the mark--with her performance as The Chocolate Whisperer]
Hardison: [disbelieving] Just one piece of chocolate?
Nate: That's my girl.
Hardison: She's scary.

FBI Agent: Greg Sherman, aka....what is it again?
[The civilians start yelling out random fish.]
Parker: Crappie? Blowfish?
Sophie: Gefilte Fish.

[As he's being arrested]
Sherman: Wait a minute. Who are all these people? They're not shills.
Nate: Oh, these people? They are your victims. Meet Mr. and Mrs. Wang. You stole $68,000 from Mr. Wang's father. It was all the money he had. You stole from every single person in this room. Every single one of them is a victim.

FBI Agent: Are you Special Agent Hagen?
Parker: Mm-hm.
FBI Agent: Agent McSweeten sends his best. And he also sends a...haiku.
Parker: That's so nice. Say "hi" back.

[At seeing two of the victims dancing together]
Hardison: That is at the same time beautiful and very disturbing.

The Cross My Heart Job [4.9][edit]

[The team is discussing what to do after someone steals a donor heart being transported by their new client]
Parker: Can't we just get another heart?
Eliot: [looking annoyed] From who?

Eliot: You carry high heels in your purse?
Sophie: I always travel with heels.

Eliot: Don't suppose you travel with handcuffs?
Sophie: No, not on this trip.

Sophie: Hey, you all right with this one?
Nate: What?
Sophie: Well, you said it yourself—-a kid's life is at stake. You don't think this might get too personal?
Nate: Does it matter?

Hardison: Look, man, this is like stone knives and bearskins, okay? Nobody's asking Eliot to fight a guy with a Nerf sword.
Eliot: Damascus, 2002.
Hardison: Like you've been to Damascus.

Nate: [on how they're going to steal an airline employee badge] We're gonna twist Sophie's ankle.
[Later]
Parker: [asking how to get another badge] How do we get do that? Break Eliot's wrist?
Hardison: What? No, we just pick one up from where the ground crew left it.
[Later]
Sophie: [discussing the final step-getting into the airline tower] Well, we have to lure them out...
Parker: Oh! Okay, set Nate on fire?
Eliot: [looking annoyed] Settle down!

Parker: [sarcastically, after opening the combination lock on a locker] Yeah, this will keep my stuff safe, pff, from a 6-year-old with DTs.
[opens the locker, takes out a jacket and removes the badge while Eliot smashes a lock open with the palm of his hand, removes a second badge from the locker]

Hardison: It's a girl's badge--
Eliot: Man up!

Sophie: You just told the mark we're after him.
Nate: No, no. He knew we were on to him as soon as we grounded his plane.
Sophie: You gave him your name!
Nate: I want him to know my name.

Hardison: You better readjust your peripherals!

Hardison: [after faking his way into the flight tower] I don't care what anybody else says, next time I'm taking the train.

Nate: I know what you're gonna say.
Sophie: I think you should have a drink.
Nate: Okay, I didn't know what you were gonna say.

Nate [over the radio]: Hardison, uh, we need a tornado.
Hardison: A what?

Chesney: You know, you have a strange sense of humor, Mr. Ford. Why are you toying with me, with my heart?
Nate: Well, it's not your heart now, is it?
Chesney: Possession is nine-tenths of the law.
Nate: Well, I don't have much use for the law, and you don't have much time.

Chesney: This is my only chance. I've planned for months. I have eight backup contingencies. I'm fighting for my life, Mr. Ford! What are you fighting for?
Nate: I am fighting for that 15-year-old boy that you're going to kill.
Chesney: [Scoffs] God helps those who help themselves.
Nate: And I help people who can't. And God help you if anything should happen to that boy, because if he spends more than one second longer in that hospital than he needs to, I will make it my mission in life to end you. I will ruin you. I will ruin your name. I will ruin your company. I will bring down everything you have ever touched. And when I am done, I will hunt you down, and I will kill you myself.

Hardison: No. No, look, I said no. It's...not a good time. We have a tornado warning. Hello.
Captain: Tower, we need that vector.
Hardison: No. No. Look. Tell the people to parachute down. I don't care. Do something. But you cannot land that plane!
Captain: Tower, we're at min fuel. We do not have time to mess around. I've got 345 people up here. This is my bird. I'm the captain, and I'm landing over your objections.
Hardison: You can do that?

Hardison: [to himself] It's just landing a plane with 300 people, it's whatever. Why didn't I play more flight simulators?

Chesney: Well, Mr. Ford, it seems you've killed me after all.
Nate: Oh, I didn't kill you. God killed you. I just made sure it took.

The Queen's Gambit Job [4.10][edit]

Nate: You still haven't told me what's in it for me.
Sterling: I will owe you a favor. How often does that happen?

Nate: [over comms] Eliot, try not to kill Sterling, we may need him.
Eliot: [looks indignant] I can't promise that!
Sterling: [glances at Eliot] What was that?

Hardison: This thing is like the nuclear equivalent of the One Ring.
Sophie: Ring? What ring?
Nate: Oh, please. Don't get him started.

Nate: We know what security system is protecting the weight, so all we got to do is hack into it.
Hardison: Okay, let's get one thing clear here. What you say "we," you really mean me. And what do you mean, "just hack into it," Nate? I don't know what this thing is. Never seen it before in my life. How am I supposed to hack it?
Nate: That's a very good question, Hardison. I'm sure you'll have it figured out by tomorrow. Good luck. [Leaves the room]
Sterling: Some things just never change. [Sophie and Hardison glare at him] Is it time for me to go, too?

[As she trying out the weighed boots]
Parker: It's like I'm the human Hulk. Parker smash! [Hits the table]

Nate: Oh, I was just saying I think you're taking some unnecessary risks.
Olivia: If I were afraid of a little danger, I would play checkers.

Nate: Well, you must be afraid of something.
Olivia: Spider. Poisoned prawns. Carbs. But you want to know what I'm not afraid of?
Nate: Hmm.
Olivia: Being afraid. [Nate chuckles] You like that? I stole it from my dad.

Hardison: Parker, that...that sounded a lot like ball bearings rolling across the floor.
Parker: Uh huh.
Hardison: Was that because there were ball bearings rolling across the floor?
Parker: Uh huh.

Parker: Where's Nate?
Sophie: Playing chess.
Parker: Again?
Sophie: Always.

Nate: Why'd you come to me?
Sterling: 'Cause you're the best thief I've ever seen. I couldn't risk anything less.

Sophie: So, what, the salt was plan B?
Nate: No, no, that's, ah, that's plan M.
Hardison: Don't I die in plan M?
Nate: Yeah, usually.
Hardison: What you mean, usually? How many plans do I die in?
Nate: C, F, and M through Q.
Hardison: C, that's a little close to home, man. You need to switch that up. How many plans does Eliot die in?
Nate: None. And [pointing to Parker] none. And [pointing to Sophie]...nnehh. There is a plan where he [Eliot] comes out of it with a scar from the temple through the eye all the way down to his mouth--
Parker: Ooh! You'd look so cool with a scar!
Sophie: Wait, wait, wait, go back, hold on, let's rewind--you skipped past me! You skipped past me.
Nate: Well, I have one, there is a plan, but it's evolving.
Sophie: Okay, that's creepy. Don't you think that's creepy? He's planning my death.

The Experimental Job [4.11][edit]

Hardison: Until recently, they held these experiments in, like, a private farm facility, but after Schaevel's death, they moved it here, to the basement of the university Psychology building. Now, most people would dive into the question of, "why did they move"? I, however, am not most people.
Nate: You want to skip the "behold my genius" part and get to what you found?

Nate: Ever been quail hunting, Hardison?
Hardison: Do I look like I go quail hunting?
Eliot: Let me ask him something. You ever played a video game where you go quail hunting?
Nate: You see, the birds, understandably, they don't like to be shot-
Parker: So they hide in the bushes. When you hunt, you have to beat the bushes with a stick. That way, you scare the birds into the sky, and there's a man waiting there with a gun and good aim, and he... [makes a gun cocking sound] ...picks them off.
Hardison: That is seriously messed up. Why would y'all tell me something like that? [to Parker] Why do you know that?

[As they are watching Travis Zilgram in a field]
Nate: Kid's making me nervous.
Hardison: He's not doing anything.
Nate: Yeah, but that's my point, you know? He should be panicking, and he's not.
Hardison: He's just a kid, Nate. How bad could it get?
Nate: How many grown men said that about you while you were raining digital fire down on their lives?
Hardison: Ah, now I'm nervous.

Grizzled POW: [Showing his tattoo] Semper Fi. You know what it means? In English? Most people don't.
Eliot: It means "always faithful."
Grizzled POW: That's the promise a Marine makes to his country. They don't tell you it only goes one way.
Eliot: If this country was known for keeping its promises, we wouldn't need Marines, would we?
Grizzled POW: [Laughs] You got that right, brother!

Eliot: What do you want to know? Names? Dates? Locations? What food was on their breath? Their eyes? You want to know what color their eyes were? Want to know the last words they spoke? Want to know which ones deserved it? Or better yet, the ones that didn't? Want to know which ones begged? Want to know why I know these things? Because I can’t forget. So there’s nothing you can do, no punishment you can hand out that I don't live with every day. So to answer your question, no, I never counted. I don’t need to.

Parker: So, remember last night when you were playing with your pretend friends?
Hardison: They're not pretend. They're just not in the same room as me.
Parker: They're an elf, a dwarf, and a thing with a tail. I'm pretty sure they're pretend. Remember when you took the thingy with the glowing thingy and used it to kill the guy who was on the shiny stuff and also there was all this magic?
Hardison: [smiles] I think so
Parker: That was so cool. I mean how many people here are cool enough to kill the guy with the thing?
Hardison: You're right. That was pretty cool.
Parker: Yeah [kisses his cheek and walks away]
Sophie [over comms]: That actually worked?
Hardison: No, but the fact that she thought it would work, that worked.

Parker: Should I tell him it's the age of the geek?
Hardison: He'll figure it out eventually.

Elliot: Now, I got four minutes to prove your theory wrong.
CIA Man: What theory?!
Elliot: That torture doesn't work.

The Office Job [4.12][edit]

Gunther: Would you describe yourself as having any kind of life outside of work?
Nate: Uh, excuse me?
Gunther: Do you have any outside interests? Do you do ever do anything but than this?
Nate: Of course I do. I... Why does this even matter? This is so...
Gunther: Well, your coworker suggested I ask.
Nate: She did. You know what you should ask her?

Sophie: [spluttering] I'm--could--could you repeat--

Nate: "Career," heh.

Sophie: No, I wouldn't say that my acting career fizzled, I just...I just put it on hold to pursue other things.
Gunther: But he implied it might have something to do with ageism.

Nate: Functioning alcoholic! Functioning! She always leaves that part out. And speaking of leaving...

Sophie: No, I didn't abandon them to gad about, I just...I faked my own death and went on a voyage of self-discovery.

Nate: [laughs] God complex...What does that even mean?

Sophie: Shrew? Shrew?! Shrew?!

Nate: Now that, that right there, that's a lie. I love foreplay.

[After being seen tackling Doug]:
Eliot: He copped to stealing office supplies. Three cases of sticky notes.

Eliot: Nobody throws Hardison off a roof... except maybe me... no. [considers]

The Girls Night Out Job [4.13][edit]

Parker: You remember Peggy from that jury duty job? She moved here from Boston last year so we've been doing brunch and other normal people stuff.
Sophie: And we're very proud of you.
Parker: Well, brunch isn't hard. I mean, there are forks.

Parker: You know that thing you do when you fix whatever I'm doing wrong?
Sophie: You mean advice?
Parker: Umm hmm.
[later]
Parker: Wait, you haven't fixed me yet!

Parker: I just uploaded some photos to my sky drive. Can you run that face thing that tells you if people are bad?

Tara: So much for a night of unbridled debauchery.
Sophie: Oh, boo-hoo. Just last Wednesday, you were sipping champagne on a G4 with a racing car driver.
Tara: Yes, who thinks I'm heir to the Pillsbury fortune. Any guess how long that'll last?
Sophie: Whatever happened to the nice chef in Lyon with the fabulous silver hair?
Tara: Oh, no. He thinks I'm a professional golfer, or banker, I keep forgetting. I got so many lies, I have to store them on my phone.
Sophie: The lament of the grifter. Who really knows us?

Sophie: Oooh, Diplomatic ID. Very handy for getting out of parking tickets

Tara [about Sophie's method of getting into the party]: Russian escort? That was so 3 years ago.

[Sophie and Tara developing a plan to switch briefcases in the middle of a crowded party.]
Tara: You start a fire in the kitchen, I grab the briefcase, we use the crowd for cover.
Sophie: I was thinking of something a little less...trample-y?

Sophie: How do we disarm it?
Tara: You're asking me?
Sophie: You were in the Army.
Tara: You stole paintings. That doesn't mean you know how to draw.

[Hardison is being chased by some very angry dogs when Sophie calls]
Hardison: What? I'm busy!
Sophie: Look, I just sent you a picture.
Hardison: Oh, let me guess, it's a picture of another handsome dude. [looks] Okay, it's a bomb! Umm. whooo...
Sophie: Yes, it's a bomb. Now just stop playing with that dog and help us!.

The Boys Night Out Job [4.14][edit]

Bonnano: So, what kind of work you in, Shelly?
Shelly: If I told you, I'd have to kill you.
Bonanno: [laughs] Yeah, right.
Eliot: Yeah, he really would.

Eliot: Yeah, he went to jail, then escaped.
Shelly: Shouldn't that bug you?
Bonnano: You get used to it.

[Two thugs chasing Hurley and Nate]
Thug 1: The church! They're in the church.
Thug 2: I'm not just busting into a church to kill two men.
Thug 1: What if they're in the church basement? If they're in the church basement then we can kill 'em.
Thug 2: So you're implying that the church is holy, but the church basement isn't?
Thug 1: You don't say Mass in the basement. The church basement is not holy ground.
Thug 2: So what, it goes: Holy ground, uuumm, the basement, holy ground?
Thug 1: The Boy Scouts meet in the basement and they're not a religious group.
Thug 2: A Boy Scout is trustworthy, loyal, helpful, friendly, courteous, kind, obedient, cheerful, thrifty, brave, clean, and reverent. Reverent is there at the end because it is, if not a faith-based organization, not entirely secular!
Thug 1: How do you know the Boy Scout oath?
Thug 2: We all had dreams once.

[Giving Hardison relationship advice]
Eliot: I don't know, man. Maybe every once in a while take the hoodie off, put a suit on, maybe light some candles, back away from Witch of Warcraft...

Nate: So the local branch of the cartel is gonna take delivery of the drugs and kill Hurley to cover their tracks.
Hurley: What do the Irish want?
Nate: They want to steal the delivery and kill you to send a message.
Hurley: That's a lot of killing me in there

Shelly: They're not coming back with that pizza, are they?
Bonnano: You get used to it.

Hurley: Nate, I know I'm not your friend, but I want you to know, you are my friend.
Nate: Thanks.

Hardison: Of course I'm a racist, I'm a dirty cop!

Irish Thug: Why is there a nun's habit without the nun?
Nate: Rapture!

The Lonely Hearts Job [4.15][edit]

Parker: It's, like, an assembly line of grift.

Parker: Ooh, sparkly.
Nate: Parker, no burgling.
Parker: But these jewels are just asking to be taken.

Eliot: Want me to teach you about the wines again?
Hardison: That's just hurtful. Just...just making assumptions and presumptions that I don't know what I'm-- Yes, I need you to teach me about the wines again, yes.

Hardison: They were married less than a month later.
Sophie: See, love at first sight.
Eliot: Yeah, she wanted to get hitched before the background check came through.

Eliot: Come on. Fisticuffs? Really?

Parker: Let's go steal a sweetheart.
Eliot: [shakes head]
Parker: A widow?
Eliot: Nah.
Parker: A spider? A spider.

[Parker has just received a Venus Flytrap]
Parker: It eats flies. A plant that actually does something.

Latimer: In my dealings, I've discovered an innocent who's been wronged. An engineer's invention was stolen by a corporation. If you and your team acquire the patent, you can prove the company owes him millions.
Nate: [scoffs] You make a few investments ahead of time, bet against our opponents.
Latimer: A finder's fee. You punish. I profit.

The Gold Job [4.16][edit]

Hardison: This is my shot. This time I run the con.
Nate: Oh, no.
Hardison: Oh, yes
Nate: Oh, boy.

Hardison: If you let me run the con from the beginning, you would have found out that the Madsens melt down their daily intake of gold and ship it out to their brokers at the end of every day. That vault is almost always empty.
Eliot: So you knew it was empty. Hardison, I'm gonna tell you something. I want you to listen to me very carefully, okay? You ever pull this again, I am gonna personally make sure you're off this team, 'cause I'm gonna break every bone in you body!

Hardison: Now, what I did was hack questions from the Kleinfeld-Ochs psych indicator into his applications.
Eliot: What?
Parker: It's a test designed to measure preferences in how people perceive the world. You know, I had a lot of psych exams as a kid. They're actually pretty easy. Well, sometimes I made my doctors cry, but...

Hardison: And I've got a surprise. Bam! Code names for us to use on the comms during the mission. Parker, you're "Gold." Sophie, you're "Silver," Nate, "Mercury," and Eliot, "Mr. Punchy."
Eliot: You kidding me with that one?
[Hardison shows him the animation punching]
Eliot: All right, that's pretty good.

Nate: It's all on you, Hardison.
Hardison: How am I gonna do this?
Nate: You're the puppet master. Pull your strings.

Nate: You never count on the perfect plan. The perfect plan, it has too many moving parts, and it's... you got to expect the perfect plan to fail. I means, that's what I do.
Hardison: Then what do you count on?
Nate: I count on the simplest and ugliest plan, not plan "A," no, but, like, plan "G," for example. I start with plan "G." Now, the quick, simple, ugly plan that I know is gonna work if everything goes bad.

The Radio Job [4.17][edit]

Sophie: [to Nate] This is a new low, even for you. We both know you're cold, you're distant, you're emotionally unavailable, but you're always punctual.

Sophie: Off to the US Patent Office, then. Let's go steal a--
Parker: Let's go steal a time machine.
Eliot: No, you don't steal--
Parker: I'm gonna steal the time machine.

Nate: Right now, I have to get inside that building.
Hardison: What's your plan?
Nate: Well, I'm gonna pull the fire alarm, then go in as my arson-investigator alias.
Eliot: Frank Petrino? The arson investigator with the limp?
Nate: I didn't say it was a great plan.

Sophie: Him? [Jimmy] You came to rescue him?
Parker: You said never again. I remember.
Hardison: Although he does provide a window into your distant and withholding management style. I'm just sayin'.

Nate: All right, so Sophie says the FBI has 20 men on the north side, 15 on the south, 22 on the east, and 16 on the west.
Parker: She can see all that?
Nate: Well, you know, you steal paintings for a living, you learn how to count security.

Hardison: Hello and welcome to the Island of Misfit Inventions.

Parker: It might be easier if he's asleep.
Eliot: You want me to put him to sleep?
Hardison: HEY! I'm standing RIGHT HERE.

Hardison: Why y'all always pushing me off of stuff? Don't I get a vote! I vote NO!

Parker: Look, we're going to lower you really slowly but if you bump into anything, the glass, the walls, anything you'll set off the alarms.
Hardison: Yeah, I get it. It's like the game Operation and I'm the tweezers.

Eliot: Yippee-ki-yay, mother--
Jimmy: Found it!

The Last Dam Job [4.18][edit]

Nate: Do you remember when I said to you, next time we would meet, that I wouldn't be so nice?
Dubenich: Yeah.
Nate: Okay. Welcome to the next time.

[Upon seeing the apartment in a mess.]
Hardison: He upped the crazy. I didn't think he could do that.

Cha0s: I want my usual fee plus expense, and Parker dresses up as Starbuck from Battlestar Galactica.
Hardison: Hey, it's not happening!
Cha0s: I'll also accept Sophie as Counselor Troi. We'll negotiate on the flight.
Hardison: So wrong on so many levels.

Hardison: [upon entering the old subway tunnels where the team has set up shop] YOU GOT ME A BATCAVE? [jumping around excitedly] A BATCAVE!
Nate: No, I did not.
Cha0s: Yeah, this is totally a Batcave. Okay, you guys suck a little less now.

Quinn: [about the portrait of "Old Nate"] What the hell is this?
Eliot: Don't ask.

[Hardison and Chaos finish explaining something technical]
Quinn: Can I hit him?
Eliot: Which one?
Quinn: Either one.
Eliot [turning to Sophie]: See, it's not just me.

Cha0s: Wow, you are, like, super old. Maybe later you can tell us about that time you punched Hitler in the face! Parker, still yummy.
Archie Leach: [shoves the end of his cane under Cha0s' chin] I own two canes. One has a taser capable of releasing ten thousand volts. The other extends a six-inch stiletto blade.
Cha0s: Which one is [gulps] is this?
Archie Leach: I can't seem to remember. I am super old.
[Later]
Cha0s: What is with this 'sir'? Are you picking her up for the prom? 'Cause Parker in a prom dre--AAAAAAH!
Archie: [who has just zapped Cha0s with his cane] Hmm, I guess it was the taser.
Parker: I love tasers.

Eliot: How long before video nails us?
Hardison: Facial recognition software takes about seven minutes to tag us, give or take.
[Alarm blares on]
Eliot: Seven min-- Damn it, Hardison!
Hardison: What part of "give or take" do you clearly not understand?

Eliot: [Over the comm] You better be ready, Quinn.
Cha0s: I bet you were born ready, right? Come on, dude. I know you want to say it. [With a graveled voice] "I was born ready."
Quinn: I don't know how Eliot does this.

Victor Dubenich: You didn't kill the man who let your son die.
Nate: My son would be ashamed of me if I turned into a killer.
Victor Dubenich: Yes...right.
Nate: [points the gun at him] My father, on the other hand, would buy me an ice cream.

Nate: I have plans...oh so many plans.

Sophie: I don't have a lot of rules in this world. Three, actually: Don't count the money until after the con, know when to walk away from the con.
Nate: The Gambler? You're basing your life philosophy on a Kenny Rogers song?

Latimer: You made it impossible for Hardison to hack us with a computer so he hacks us with a clam?

Cha0s: They are ready for your kung fu. They are completely unprepared for my drunken mastery.

Hardison [when Cha0s proves him wrong]: Wow. This must be how Eliot feels. I just realized this is how he feels all the time. I just want to hit something.

Nate: My wife? You recruited my wife as your backup?
Sophie: Ex! He never says ex-wife.
Maggie: I always do.

Dubenich: You underestimate me.
Sophie: Last time I underestimated you I was right.

Quinn: Next time give me the gun. I'll be your Huckleberry.
Eliot: I love that movie.
Quinn: Who the hell doesn't?

Latimer: You don't want to kill me. It was him. He blackmailed me into helping him.
Dubenich: No.
Latimer: You let me go, I'll make it up to you, I swear.
Nate: Oh, you're saying kill Dubenich and let you go?
Latimer: Yes. Yes.
Nate: Hang it on him?
Latimer: Yes.
Nate: Oh, yes, ex-con with fraud convictions, make him the fall guy. You get a bunch of lawyers and start over. I see how that could all work out for you. It's pretty perfect, because with Dubenich dead, there'd be nobody to contradict your story, right? So all your problems would be solved.
Dubenich: That's right! You kill me, he starts over! He's the CEO of a powerful company. He could do a lot of harm to a lot of people. Nate. He sent your father into the warehouse.
[Nate turns the gun on Latimer]
Nate: So kill Latimer and let you go? Yeah, well, that way, I mean, there would be no one to tie you to the illegal trades. And, I mean, you're smart. You'd find the cash and the diamonds that he hid. So with Latimer dead, you'd go free. But the problem that I'm having with all of this is if only one of you dies, the other will go free! I got five bullets! Who would like to go first?

Sophie: Well, that was a spectacularly awful plan.
Nate: Lucky you showed up then.

Nate: Hey. Let's go break the law.
Sophie: Mm. Just one more time?
Nate: Oh, a few more times.

Season 5[edit]

The (Very) Big Bird Job [5.01][edit]

Sophie: That was the con I used to sell the Brooklyn Bridge the year we met!
Nate: I know. That's why I did it.
Sophie: That's romantic.

Hardison: To do: hack the National Artifact website. [sarcastically] Yay. What else?

Nate: He's nowhere near his office. I don't know, we're at some sort of museum.
Hardison: What kind of museum?
Nate: You know, the kind that has a 747 on the top of it. Portland is, uh...odd.

Sophie: We're gonna have to have a serious talk about moving somewhere with less rain.
Hardison: London has rain.
Sophie: No, London has fog. Fog is mysterious. Rain just ruins my hair.

Parker: Thief Juice! It's a mouth crime.

Nate: [to Scott Roemer] Global Transit? Yeah, we've done some business together.
Hardison: [over comms] Nate, please do not introduce yourself. Like I said, I have no IDs that--
Nate: Tommy Mackinaw. Mackinaw Import/Export. Nice to meet you.
Hardison: Yes. Please. Thank you. Do go ahead and pick the one name on earth that does not exist.

Hardison: The--the Spruce Goose? The Spruce Goose, built by Howard Huges, the Tony Stark of the '40s, biggest plane on earth, made of all wood, wingspan-longer-than-a-football-field Spruce Goose?

Sophie: It's gets worse. Tomorrow, the board of directors are voting on a merger with two passenger airlines. And Roemer's gonna move the maintenance to his Mexico facility. The next time one of his planes falls out of the sky, it's gonna be full of people.
Hardison: Okay. [to Nate] Nate, I realize this is the kind of guy that makes you very angry. Please do not do what I think you're about to do.

Sophie: I blame you.
Hardison: Me? I didn't tell the man to run a scam using the biggest airplane on earth.

Sophie: Why are you okay with this? You seem perfectly happy to be in this...town.
Parker: We're here.
Sophie: Yeah, I know. "We're here, get used to it."
Parker: No. We're here. Us.
Sophie: Oh. That's sweet.
Parker: Yeah. Me and my money, Hardison and Eliot, Nate and you.
Sophie: Yeah? Parker, why does the money always come before the people?

Eliot: To be honest, when you're not on the receiving end of it, watching him [Nate] mess with somebody's head is pretty impressive.
Hardison: Yeah. He's like one of those aliens that feeds off of people's fear.

Eliot [facing a group of armed men]: I'm only going to say this once boys. Give me the ...[hesitates]... teddy bear.

The Blue Line Job [5.02][edit]

Nate [explaining the enforcers]: ...It's sort of like the fear of having to fight one of them is what keeps everything cool
Parker [non-chalantly]: Oh. Sherling's theory of rational deterrence. [everyone stares at parker in surprise] Cold war?
Nate [hesitantly]: That's actually, terrifyingly, exactly right.

Sophie: Fights in every period, even on power plays?
Nate: How would you even know what...?
Sophie: I thought this guy was like a minor-league hammer, you know like Dave the Hammer Schultz?
Nate: Who is she...?
Sophie: What? Oh, a girl can't watch hockey?
Nate: What did you steal?
Sophie: [quietly] Something...hockey related. A certain...trophy.
Nate: No you didn't. No, not the Stanley Cup. No. I saw it last year in Boston.
Sophie: No, that was a fake.
Nate: It wasn't a fake.
Sophie: And not a very good one, no, no, no, sorry. My engraver was awful.
Nate: Okay, so where's the real one?
Sophie: [in her con voice] I don't remember.
[later]
Nate: Are you messing with me?
Sophie: When did I ever lie about a grift?
Nate: All right, so tell.... Tell me where it is.
Sophie: Oh. There's Vlad.
[later]
Nate: So, is it, um, someplace warm?
Sophie: I don't remember
Nate: Hm. Is it in Boston?
Sophie: Nate, I don't remember.
Nate: Are you sure it's the Stanley Cup?
Sophie: That I remember.
Nate: Where's the last place you remember having it?
Sophie: [Smiles] I don't remember.

Eliot: Bad choices are bad choices. It doesn't matter why you made them. And they tear you apart, from the inside out. And you don't even notice.

Parker: Did I fall asleep again?
Hardison: Yeah.
Parker: How did the movie end?
Hardison: Soylent Green is people!
Parker: WHOA!
Hardison: I know. Just--just sit with that for a while.

Sophie: Are you having a staring contest with a turtle?
Nate: No, I just won a staring contest with a turtle.
Sophie: Is it weird that I find that oddly attractive?

The First Contact Job [5.03][edit]

Elliot: What kind of guy names a toilet after himself?
Sophie: Someone who cares more about fame than respect, that's for sure.

[As the group is listening to electronic static]
Eliot: [Walking in] Who got the military satellite intercept? You're not supposed to... [Sophie gives him a look] It's a very distinctive static.

[The team is discussing a defense contractor]
Eliot: Yeah, I know those guys. They used to stamp their logo on the side of our attack choppers and we had to sand it off before we-- [Suddenly notices that Nate and Sophie are staring at him] --went fishing. For fish. Yeah.

Parker: I win. I want to go bungee jumping.
Hardison: We already did that.
Parker: Not off a hot air balloon.
Hardison: I seriously need to win one of these bets.

Sophie: Why would someone dedicate so much time listening to nothing?
Nate: For the hope of what they might hear.

Kanack: Look, all I care about is the signal we received. Do you think you can decipher it? Mister...?
Eliot: Riker, Willy Riker. Willy Riker is my full name.

Nate: Let's go steal a close encounter.

Nate: Okay. We need to fix this. We need to give our client back his reputation.
Parker: How do we do that?
Nate: By making Kanack insane.
Hardison: [grinning] And he's back.

Parker: [using E. T.'s voice, poking Eliot] El-i-ot.

Hardison: You know, Fermi's paradox says that it's improbable for other life forms to exist.
Eliot: Yeah? Well, Drake's equation shows that orbiting around the hundred billion stars in our galaxy there's up to ten thousand planets with technological civilization. [Smiles at Hardison who gives him a surprised look] You never know when you might have to fight an alien.

Hardison and Eliot: [singing to a remix of the alien signal] Two good ol' boys behind the wheel, chasing down bad guys in Lucille. [repeat]

James Kanack: Alfred Wallace created the theory of evolution years before Darwin, but it's Darwin's theory of evolution. [[w:Nikola Tesla]|Nikola Tesla] invented alternating current, but all the power companies are named after Thomas Edison. So why are Darwin and Edison famous, and Tesla and Wallace footnotes? Because history is written by the winners. You get your name on it first, you get it out there the most, and twenty years later, you invented it.

Eliot: [as Riker] Put your hands on me, I'll break your friggin' clavicle.

[Parker walking in as thugs fall on top of Eliot's back]
Parker: [In E.T. voice] Ooouch.

Hardison: You know the difference between us and them?
Parker: Hmm?
Hardison: We make this look good.

Sophie: Just so you know, I really, really hate you.
Nate: [chuckles] Hm! Don't worry. It's perfectly safe. [pause] Ish.
[later:]
Sophie: That is the last time I lie about playing Peter Pan on Broadway!

Hardison: Oh, come on. These dudes traveled 10,000 lightyears to get here. You're gonna scare them off with a putter?

Hardison: I programmed the electronic and the lighting to go haywire intermittently for the rest of the night.
Nate: Good.
Hardison: You don't think he'll try to leave?
[Inside]
Karnack: [In terror] No!
[Outside]
Nate: Would you?

Parker: [Looking over the equipment] Hey.
Hardison: Hey.
Parker: This gives me a good idea.
Hardison: Whatever it is, no.

[later Parker and Hardison are on a date]
Parker: I'll be right here. [points to Hardison's heart]

The French Connection Job [5.04][edit]

Eliot: He showed me I could use my knife to create instead of destroy.

Eliot: He's one of the guys that kept me from falling all the way down, and now I'm asking the other guy to understand why I'm gonna help him.

Eliot: All right, everyone, listen up. Come down to table 2 and line up. The chef who was gonna be with you today has booked another gig, so I am your new instructor.
Whitney: What's your name?
Eliot: Chef!

Hardison: I get to fire a laser. YAY!!! Geeking in the kitchen. Uh, makes me want to dance!

Eliot: Nate, it's not drugs Lampart is dealing. It's bigger, a lot bigger.
Nate: If it's not drugs, what is it?
Eliot: Truffles.

Parker: [to Nate] I don't have a thing... Eliot has a thing, he loves food. Sophie loves theater. You have a sicko love of controlling people.

Sophie: Oh, Nate, you know that the core of good acting comes from persistence of tectonics.
Nate: No idea what that means. Very concerned that you do.

Hardison: Think about it. Levitating food could replace--
Eliot: I will stab you in the neck!
Hardison: Don't hate the barbecue, hate the sauce.

Hope [holding up a red onion]: I'm out of these purple tomatoes.
Eliot: Hope, those are red onions.

Nate: [over comms] Sophie, we're gonna run a version of the White Van Speakers. Your acting students, do you think they can handle it?
Sophie: Of course they can. They're my students.
[Zachary ululates and then falls to the floor]
Nate:What was that?
Sophie: It's just Zachary getting to his authentic place.

Nate: [Repeated line in episode] Gnar Slabdash. The "n" is mostly silent.

Jean-Luc: [talking to his henchman] What is wrong with you? He is not a real man. He is a chef. He cooks little food in little pots and pans! Allez! Allez! Allez!

Hardison: I can make blue spaghetti or I can blow a safe.

[After Eliot beats Rampone in a knife fight]
Nate: Eliot. Not worth it. Give him to the cops.
Rampone: Call off your dog. He's crazy.
Eliot: Crazy? I'm gonna cut your freaking head off and serve in on a platter.
[Later]
Nate: Serve his head on a platter, huh?
Eliot: Was it too much?
Nate: No, actually, I liked it.
Eliot: I felt like it was a lot. Like, right when I said it, I felt like I may have gone too far.

The Gimme a K Street Job [5.05][edit]

Parker: What do I know about teenage girls?
Nate: Um, You were a teenage girl?
Parker: Only sort of.

Sophie: Did you know about this, girls being dropped from 20 feet? It's unbelievable.
Parker: I know, right? 20 feet. Pfft, walk it off.
Sophie: Parker, you do know that normal people don't just walk off a 20 foot fall, right?
Parker [seriously concerned]: So all those times I pushed Hardison off a building and he was all WAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH--he wasn't just being funny?
Hardison: No.
Eliot: I thought it was funny, Parker.
Haridson: No way in hell was it funny.
Eliot: You were always upside down, man.
Hardison: I fell off a building, yeah I was upside down.
Eliot: Like a pinwheel, like a Himalayan tree frog.
Hardsion: You call me a frog?
Eliot: [makes popping sounds while gesturing with his hands]
Hardison: You call me a damn frog?
Eliot: Pop pop and upside down. Yeah.
Hardison: Say it to my face.
Nate: Guys, maybe focus. Guys, focus.
Hardison: Damn frog.

Sophie: I love government. Shady deals, back-room meetings. It is grifter paradise.
Eliot: This is wrong. We work outside the law, not smack-dab in the middle of it.
Nate: Relax, Eliot. Elected officials are the easiest marks in the world. Between their ego, the greed, and the politics, more hooks than a bait shop.

Nate: Let's go steal us some congressmen.

Nate: You said you like back-room dealings.
Sophie: I like stealing things that are real. Cash, of course. Land, sure. Art, yes, please. Corn subsidies? Not so much.

Hardison: Are you for real, man? You telling me you bought a congressman with a lunch?
Nate: It was a nice lunch.

Nate: Okay, people, let's grift.

Sophie: Corn subsidies. Why did it have to be corn subsidies?

Nate: Sophie, where are you?
Sophie: Trying to improve the air quality standards in Massachusetts.
Nate: Okay, for corn subsidies?
Sophie: [frustrated] No, to get me the fishery concessions, that I then trade for logging rights, to get me the redistricting deal, that gets me the grant funding, that gets me the solar subsidies, that finally gets me the bloody stinking corn subsidies. I don't know how anything gets done around here. You have to be a grifter to run government.

Nate: Hardison? How you doing?
Hardison: Look, Nate, I'm good with systems. You know that. But this, this system hacks back. I got 7 million dollars sitting right here, set aside for mad cow testing, which nobody uses, because, I mean, you know, nobody wants to know that they got mad cow cows.
Nate: Yeah, so give them to the cheerleaders.
Hardison: [beyond frustrated] I can't, man. There's a law right here that says that there has to be money set aside for mad cow testing, which nobody does! Makes no sense. There's no rhyme, no reason, no... [to himself] It's cool. Don't pop a nerve. Don't pop a nerve. Don't throw a book.

Parker: ...while everyone is heeeerrreee. Where's Madison? WHERE IS MADISON? Great, I lost a cheerleader...

[Nate and Parker interrogating Ashley]
Parker: Okay, Ashley. Where's Madison?
Ashley: Can I have some water?
Nate: In a minute. Why don't you tell us again, from the top?
Ashley: I don't know where Madison went.
Parker: [loudly] Don't give us that. The girls say you're her best friend. Best friends talk, Angela. Are you gonna talk, huh? Are you? Huh?!
Nate: Easy. Easy. Easy. Your coach gets a little hot under the collar.
Ashley: Am I in trouble? Are you gonna call my parents?
Nate: Hm. [Exchanges a glance with Parker] You can parent up. That's your right.
[Parker twists a lamp light toward Ashley]
Ashley: Madison talked to me in confidence.
Parker: A big word for a little girl.
Nate: Where's Madison?
[Parker bends down to her and growls]

Cheerleader: Ready. Ready. Ready. Ready. Ready, let's go.
Nate: Ready?
Hardison: Ready!
Sophie: Ready.
Eliot: Ready.
Parker: Ready.
Nate: Let's go.

Wendy Baran: Two, four, six eight. Who do we annihilate?

Baran: You underestimated me. People underestimate cheerleaders all the time. I didn't. I saw a niche, and I exploited it. Every girl wants to be a cheerleader. Every girl wants to be pretty. Every girl wants to be popular. And they will pay anything to get it. Cheerleaders built me a $300 million a year company because I didn't underestimate them.
Nate: Hm. You know, I really don't think I underestimated you. In fact, I think I estimated you just...about...Wait for it... [Baran's phone starts ringing] ...right.

J.J. LeGrange: Hi. How are you? J.J. LeGrange. [shakes Parker's hand]
Parker: I don't vote.
LeGrange: [chuckles] Oh, you will.

Aide: Your tickets, ma'am.
Hardison: What was that about?
Sophie: I'm just planning a trip to the Gulf. The military are breaking ground on Fort Deveraux.

The D.B. Cooper Job [5.06][edit]

Sophie: [giving the briefing] It's 1971, the day before Thanksgiving. A 727 takes off from Portland bound for Seattle. It is hijacked by this man, a passenger who goes by the name of Dan Cooper.
Parker: Wait. I thought his name was D.B. Cooper?
Hardison: That was misheard by a reporter at the scene, and then it was repeated until it became gospel. [To Sophie] I'm sorry. I didn't mean to interrupt your swooning. Go on and swoon.

Hardison: Sophie, just real quick, you had a poster of D.B. over your bed when you was like, 15. Tell the truth. You did, didn't you?
Sophie: So what? What if I did?

Peter: It's not a weakness to see the good in people. It's not a flaw or a bad thing to trust.

[After hearing Peter McSweeten has died]
Todd: Dad loved his coffee.
Steve Reynolds: Yeah. He'd let it get ice cold and top it off all day long. Drove me crazy.
Parker: What else do you remember about him?
Reynolds: Well, he was a hell of a shot.
Todd: Yeah, but a terrible driver.
Reynolds: [Laughs] That's true. One time, we're in this high-speed chase, and he plows us right into this restaurant dumpster. Plow! What a mess! So we get out of the car, we're looking at the damage, and this girl comes running up to us and says somebody attacked her and that maybe she thought he was the CIA or one of the Russians. She's tripping on acid. She's a runaway. So I'm ready to hand her over to the paramedics. Peter's got her in the back seat of the car. "Take us to him," he tells her. We found the guy! He's in the bus station! And the next day, he takes us to the woods where he's buried three other runaways. I say to Peter, "Hey. This girl, she was, she was strung out. She was ranting. I mean, how did you know?" He said, "All I heard...was that she was afraid." So... [lifts a glass] ...here's to Peter McSweeten...who couldn't drive a lick.

Hardison: So, back to square one?
Nate: I prefer back to the drawing board. It's more hopeful.

Todd: He's a criminal. He belongs in jail.
Nate: Is that what you really want?
Todd: Yes, it's what my father wanted more than anything in the world--to bring D.B. Cooper to justice.
Nate: Todd, your dad had a gift I believe he passed on to you. He could see goodness in people. And because of that, he did bring D.B. Cooper to justice.

Nate: If you could choose someone from The Odyssey that most resembles me, who would it be?
Sophie: Well...the hero, obviously. Odysseus. Cunning warrior, master of disguise, and it means "trouble" in Greek.

Nate: When you spend most of your time getting inside the minds of bad people, you are looking for their flaws and their weaknesses, that's pretty much all you see in everyone.
Sophie: That's not what happened to Peter McSweeten.
Nate: Ah, Peter McSweeten isn't Jimmy Ford's son.

The Real Fake Car Job [5.07][edit]

Kyle Davis: I just figured a guy like you would have, I don't know, an office or something.
Nate: Oh, yeah, I tried it once. Had trouble keeping it in one piece.

Hardison: WitSec is like the ninth circle of hell for guys like him. Like us! I mean Nate, do you think you could just go back to being John Q. and not go insane if you had to give it all up?
Nate: Sure, maybe. Maybe not. Really, I don't think beyond the job that's right in front of us. I don't have the luxury to think beyond that, so...
Sophie: Really?
Nate: Hmmm?
Sophie: That's the best you got?

Eliot: Erickson doesn't strike me as a mob guy.
Nate: Because he's not. No, he establishes mob ties as a get-out-of-jail-free card. So, if the day ever comes that the SEC discovers his stock fraud....
Parker: He'll trade his mob records for immunity and a new identity. Sweet!
[Sophie and Eliot give her a look]
Parker: I mean, evil. And clever, but bad.

Sophie: I don't like that, that whole smug look on his [Erickson's] face.
Nate: Yeah. Like he's got a...you know...a $50 million dollar backup plan. Let's go steal it.

Nate: How can a witness in protection we've been watching for the last 24 hours get access to $100,000 we didn't see?

Eliot: [As he's digging a hole] After sunset, this field is gonna be completely dark. No clear sight lines from the road. First thing to find a body out here would be a coyote--
Sophie: Okay. Now I'm scared.
Eliot: I'm here.
Sophie: Eliot, you're what's scaring me.

Erickson: How did...how did you find me?
Don Paolo Brancato: You called our mutual friend, Charlie.
Federal Marshal Elle: You are an idiot.
Erickson: Shut up.
Brancato: Granted, that only got us to Portland. But then, when we traced your phone, seems you left your GPS tracking on.
Elle: All right, that one's on me.

Hardison: You mean we gotta drive through a gunfight and not get shot like it's the Batmobile?

Nate: Marshall, I know you're upset, but you can't really blame him for something that happened yesterday. The past is the past. You can't blame him for something that happened 20 minutes ago, 2 minutes ago. What you need to be thinking about is what's going to happen next.
Sophie: [listening on the comms] Could somebody record this? I want a record of this!

Sophie: I couldn't help overhearing what you said in the warehouse about putting the past behind you.
Nate: I had a gun to my head.
Sophie: This is our bar. I'm sure I can rustle up a gun somewhere.

Nate: You were wrong about one thing.
Sophie: Really? Because I couldn't possibly be right, could I?
Nate: Wanting to move on with or without you...it matters. We matter.

The Broken Wing Job [5.08][edit]

Eliot: [After beating up a guard] I told you there was a ninth guard.
Nate: Yeah, yeah, I owe you a beer.

Amy: Good morning. How's the patient feeling today?
Parker: Less and less like a patient and more and more like a prisoner.
Amy: Oh. Well, hopefully, this will taste better than prison food.
Parker: You'd be surprised. Best meal I ever has was in French prison.
Amy: French prison, huh? How long were you in for?
Parker: [In French] Not as long as they thought I'd be.

Parker: You guys picked the wrong brew pub.

Eliot: How's the knee?
Parker: Driving me to crazy town. Pretty much like it's on cruise control, cruising me through crazy town. And you know what? Let's face it. I have way too much to do. This knee, I need to be on a bullet train through crazy town. I don't have time to stop for gas, go to the museum--
Eliot: Parker, breathe. Identify you limitations. Turn them to advantages.
Parker: Okay, good. How do I do that?
Eliot: Adapt.

Parker: You brought a gun? To my bar?

Amy: They have a gun. We don't stop them. We call the police.
Parker: No cops. No cops. That will actually increase the chances of people getting hurt.
Amy: How?
Parker: Because seeing a uniform in the middle of stealing something could cause you to panic, make bad decisions.
Amy: And how do you know so much about this again?
Parker: I...read blogs, Amy.

Parker: [to Amy] We don't need cops. We don't need anyone, especially if they don't need us! Then we really don't need them.

Parker: Yeah, so, there's a getaway van parked in the alley.
Amy: How do you know that's what it is?
Parker: Intuition.

Sophie: How's she's doing?
Nate: Apparently dealing with some thieves.
Sophie: Baby bird is learning how to fly.

Parker: Well, of course we want them to come back. How else are we gonna catch them?
Amy: We--we don't. We're gonna call the cops.
Parker: Normally, I would agree with you, but what we've been doing here... Not super legal.
Amy: Oh, I knew it!
Parker: Just think of it as more charity work.
Amy: Okay, but my other charity work doesn't involve having a gun pointed at me.
Parker: Exactly. That's what I'm saying. Oh, you meant that as a bad thing.

[As the kidnappers are being arrested]
Parker: Hey. Hey, wait.
Kidnapper: What?
Parker: I'm gloating.

Parker: To new friends, new food, and no fish.
Amy/Doctor/Parker: No fish.

Nate: Nice job while we were away.

The Rundown Job [5.09][edit]

Rep. J. Yount: You slap together another one of your little "asymmetry teams" from federal agents, Colonel Vance, you and everybody around you is out of a job, and in jail. These "slow, giant" agencies you mock were designed by very smart people.
Vance: So was the Titanic.

Hardison: Kiss for luck?
Parker: Who needs luck?

Eliot: What do you want?
Riley: I got a job for you. Right here in town, got to be this morning.
Eliot: No, I don't do that anymore.
Riley: The rumors are true, damn it. That's like Picasso throwing away his paintbrush.

Eliot: I'm gonna keep her alive. You guys find a way to get her out of here.
Hardison: With what?
Eliot: You stole a Michelangelo with tin foil and chewing gum! Figure it out!

[As the police sirens approach]
Eliot: Hang on.
Parker: Um, no. Cops, bad. Thieves, go.

[Eliot, Hardison, and Parker are handcuffed in the back of a government van.]
Hardison: This is a violation of my constitutional rights.
Colonel Vance: You're Alec Hardison. You cracked the Pentagon servers when you were twelve. NSA has a file on you a mile long.
Hardison: Do they? What do they say about me? I hope they gave me a cool nickname.

Vance: Make it look good.
[Eliot punches him, but Vance shrugs it off]
Vance: Really? That's all you--
[Eliot punches him again, but Vance shrugs it off again]
Vance: You're slowing down in your--
Eliot punches him a third time and Vance finally falls unconscious.]
Hardison: Three tries? Damn.
Eliot: He didn't always wear a suit.

Eliot: What do they got on the gunman?
Hardison: They're running his prints. It's gonna take hours to narrow down.
Eliot: Look up the Navy SEAL database, enlisted from '90 to '95. [Hardison turns to him] It's his watch. Steel-brushed chronometers were standard SEAL issue, until they switched to the carbon black diver's watch in '95. It's a very distinctive watch.

Hardison: It's got every database...NSA, CIA, FBI, it's got hard backdoors into most commercial systems, live feeds into every security camera on the grid. Man, if this wasn't such a gross violation of our civil liberties, I would be in love right now!

Hardison: Call up the NSA satellites.
Spy Truck: Calling up NSA Satellites.
Hardison: Thank you, creepy spy truck.

[Vance's response on finding the trailer.]
Vance: There's a time for sneaking around, my brother, and a time for droppin' an attack chopper full of pissed-off 19-year-olds in full body armor on somebody. And we have reached that appointed hour.

Vance: Promise you'll consider working with us again.
Eliot: I work with them now.
Vance: Honor among thieves?
Eliot: Something like that.

Vance: The world can always use more good guys.
Eliot: Too bad we're the bad guys.

Parker: You're shot. You should go to the hospital.
Eliot: I don't do hospitals.
Hardison: I told you. He takes getting shot very lightly.

The Frame Up Job [5.10][edit]

Sophie: Just letting you know, if we die I blame you.
Nate: I know
Sophie: None of this would have happened if you'd just gone to the movies like I told you.
Nate: If I'd gone to the movies, you would be in jail right now.
Sophie: Well, jail is a big improvement over my current prospect of soon to be murdered!

Sophie: I know. I'm going to be slaving away in a dusty old theater, while you sit back. Relax and watch alcoholic repressed insurance cops harassing tragically misunderstand femme fatales.
Nate: You're not supposed to root for the criminals.
Sophie: Always root for the home team.

Katrina Hardt: His [Gault's] daughter can't cash the checks fast enough.
Sophie: Bit of a lush, I see.
Katrina: Actually, that's his fourth ex-wife. His daughter's the one in the suit.

[When Nate finds Sophie at the art auction]
Sophie: You think you're so clever.
Nate: I deduced you location at a random event within 100-mile radius in under 20 minutes. I've had worse mornings.

Sophie: How did you find me exactly?
Nate: Why did you lie to me?
Sophie: It's just like old times, isn't it? Me in the dress and up to my neck in easy marks and valuable art, and you show up, all serious.
Nate: There is a distinct lack in you telling me why you lied to me in that last speech. Now why is a grifter and art thief--
Sophie: Ex-art thief.
Nate: ...at a high-end art auction?
Sophie: Asks the insurance cop.
Nate: Ex-insurance investigator. Still stalling.

Fiona Gault: My father acquired the painting after Mettier's death and honored the artist's wishes. Frankly, I would have put in a ticket booth and charged admission.

Sterling: Give us back the painting and save yourself a lot of bother, Miss....still going by Devereaux?
Sophie: Still a pompous ass?
Sterling: Charming.

Sophie: I hate that man. I don't know how you were ever partners with him.
Nate: Ah, well, he's funny in his own kind of way.
Sophie: Oh, yeah, hilarious. That crack about secret prison.
Nate: Oh, no, he was serious about that.

Nate: This isn't just an art theft.
Nate and Sophie: It's murder.

Sophie: Ah, Sterling. Good. Come on.
Sterling: Is this an escape? 'Cause if it is, you're very bad at it.

Stering: You have one hour. If I don't have a suspect in an hour, you're both going down for this.
Nate: I don't need an hour, I've got a Sophie.

Sophie: I'd forgotten how attractive that is, the relentless tick-tick-tick of you pulling apart someone's well-laid plans.
Nate: Ahh, including yours?
Sophie: Oh, you've never pulled apart my plans.

Sterling: [to Sophie] It's always nice to bring a thief to justice, even if it's not you.

Nate: Sterling is sitting right on top of Ma Mystere.
Sophie: Are you telling me you can't outsmart Sterling?
Nate: I can't. But he can't outsmart me, either.

Butler: I'm sorry, what are you doing in my room?
Sophie: So, the butler did it.

Sterling: So let me get this straight. You stole not one, but two paintings, one of which you spent the entire day trying to convince me you did not steal, all because your girlfriend here, an unrepentant, inveterate, professional liar...
Sophie: That's uncalled for.
Nate: Well.
Sterling: ...told you, with no evidence whatsoever, that Ma Mystere was fake. Now you're so sure that she's right, that you not only think that this painting is a fake, but every other Mettier that was in the house, the entire collection, is also fake?
Nate: That's right.
Sterling: Arrest them both.
Sophie: On what charge?
Sterling: Theft?
Nate: We brought you back the paintings.
Sterling: Obstructing an investigation.
Sophie: We're helping you with your investigation.
Sterling: Being annoying and crazy!
Nate: Well, that's not a crime. Since when was that a crime?
Sophie: No, it's not.
Sterling: I DON'T CARE!

Sterling: And despite your efforts to drop off the map, I now know your new base of operations. Everything is sunshine and rainbows.

[After finding the true Ma Mystere]
Sophie: He vowed it would never be seen by the world till after my death.
Nate: So we're gonna steal it.
Sophie: Of course we are, darling.

The Low Low Price Job [5.11][edit]

Nate: Eliot, so where'd you find these people?
Eliot: Two words: "free beer."

Sophie: Zachary, what's the first basic rule of improv?
Zachary: Always say yes and keep the scene moving forward.
Sophie: Good, and the second?
Zachary: Don't block?
Sophie: Exactly. Now, everybody, forget all that. Synchronize your watches; we're saying 'no' and we're blocking.

Sophie: We haven't even made a dent. I'm beginning to think we can't destroy this store.
Nate: You're right. We can't. But Caroline can.

Parker: All right, people, place your bets, 100 bucks gets you in.
Nate: I'm in. Five minutes.
Sophie: She'll go seven.
Hardison: I say three minutes
Parker: I'm under two.

Eliot: Everybody that got laid off has a job.
Parker: What about the building?
Hardison: I heard an anonymous donor put in a bid for it. He said he's gonna turn it into a theater for the local high school.
Nate: The arts are vastly underfunded in this country, don't you think?
Sophie: You sly old dog.

The White Rabbit Job [5.12][edit]

Parker: What's the White Rabbit?
Hardison: It's the ungriftable grift, it's impossible.
Parker: Yeah, but we do the impossible.

Nate: Let's go steal a dream.

Sophie: What the hell are you doing?
Hardison: [With a wrench in hand] I'm hacking.
Sophie: Well, stop it! Just...step back
Hardison: She's [Parker] on the roof with the guy we just spent the last four days driving crazy.

Dodgson: Am I dreaming now or was I dreaming then?
Parker: Which answer gets you down here with me?

Parker: What happened to Patience wasn't your fault. But what happens next is. It's your life, Charlie. It's your choice. Make something.

Nate: Yeah, so, the con failed...technically.
Sophie: The con didn't fail. The con worked.
Hardison: If by "worked," you mean completely fell apart.
Sophie: Huh? Sorry, which one of us is the grifter?

The Corkscrew Job [5.13][edit]

Parker: Nate, I'm going in. [to herself] I'm Intern Parker. Intern Parker.
[At Leverage HQ, Nate turns to Sophie]
Sophie: Yeah, we've, uh, we've been working on her long con abilities, you know, internalizing the character more.
[later]
Parker: Is Intern Parker working for free?
Sophie: She's just a character, Parker.
Parker: Yeah. But I know what Intern Parker's worth is. And Intern Parker deserves a fair wage for her labor!
Nate: [to Sophie] Yeah, you might want to dial that back a little bit, yeah.
Sophie: Dial it back, yeah. Thinking so.

Nate: If his wine collection is the collateral, let's make the collection worthless.
Sophie: The bank finds out the collection's a fraud, Madigan loses the winery.
Hardison: Yeah, we just take a 200-year-old bottle of grape juice and turn it into Two-Buck Chuck.
Nate: Let's go fake a bottle.

[Seeing Leonard chew out a worker]
Parker: He's got a very punchable face.
Eliot: Yeah, I noticed that.

[As Sophie uses the whisper campaign on Madigan]
Hardison: Make the man doubt his own wine and his manhood? Damn.

Parker: I like that camera. Could shove a cat in that camera.

Sophie: I'll taste it.
Hardison: Oh, that's my masterpiece right there.
[Sophie takes a sip and nearly spits it out]
Hardison: Wine as sweet as my orange soda.
Sophie: My teeth ache!

Nate: [on comm] Okay, guys, so here's the thing. All wine bottled after 1947 have trace amounts of radioactivity. Cesium isotopes from atmospheric nuclear testing
Parker: Where did you get radioactive cesium?
Hardison: The things I do for Nate.
[Flashback of Hardison escaping the Richmond Nuclear Reservation]

Parker: So I'm radioactive? Why don't I have superpowers?
Hardison: Babe, we all feel cheated.

Guard: Oxygen deprivation works fast. You'll be unconscious in thirty seconds.
Eliot: It'll take me ten seconds.

The Toy Job [5.14][edit]

Nate: What do you think parents are most afraid of?
Parker: Clowns?
Nate: No.
Parker: Evil clowns?
Nate: No.
Parker: Crazy clowns named Gigi who whisper your name from under your bed?
Nate: [pauses] No.

Nate: I'm saying that we, uh, I think we went overboard on Christmas gifts last year.
Parker: Nate, I love my ECOSSE motorcycle from last Christmas, compliments of my Santa baby.
Eliot: You spent $100,000 on a motorcycle?
Hardison: Don't hate the gift. Hate the elf.
Eliot: I do hate the elf.

Hardison: What the problem with getting emotionally butt naked? I'm just trying to share my feelings.
Nate: We don't want to see that.

Eliot: You realize that without that safety study, we got nothing.
Nate: Yeah.
Eliot: So why'd you promise him that?
Nate: Because we are not gonna let that toy get released. We're gonna steal Christmas.

Nate: We can't con a 6-year-old. You know who we can con? Their parents.

Nate: Okay, so, Hardison, you get on that lecture thing. Eliot, you get on the mommies.
Hardison: And he doesn't mean that literally.
Eliot: That joke is never funny.
Hardison: It's always funny.
Eliot: No, it's not, Hardison. Comedy's about timing and you don't have it!

Hardison: I was talking to Parker, and, I mean, we're a little down about Christmas. We think...we're...kind of ruining the holiday or something.
Nate: Hardison, Christmas was pre-ruined. You know how it began?
Sophie: [gasping] No.
Hardison: Yeah, it was a fat guy in a chimney.
Nate: Christmas began as a pagan, pre-Roman feast involving the sacrifice of children. Ho-ho-ho. [walks away]
Hardison: Is he serious?
[Sophie shrugs]
Hardison: I mean, dang, I feel like I just got sucker-punched by an elf-hating, Scrooge-loving, no-gift-giving anti-Claus. I mean, am I bleeding?
Sophie: Little bit.

Eliot: Promise me those things will never hit toy shelves.
Parker: Nah, I'm keeping him all to myself. I've got them all lined up in my warehouse like an army of joy and rage.
Hardison: You never want to be in that warehouse alone. Ever.

The Long Goodbye Job [5.15][edit]

Parker: It's just that this is the kind of mastermind stuff you usually go off and do by yourself, you know? Well, you and your bottle. But lately, you've been involving me in the planning. And not just the heist, the cons, too.
Nate: Parker, you know, you don't let feelings get in the way. You... You rotate problems, security, people, timelines. You spin them in the three-dimensional space, like puzzle pieces until they click. It's not the way I think, but... I trust your judgment. I really do.

[As Parker swings to the other building]
Hardison: Twenty pounds of crazy.
Eliot: Five pound bag.

Hardison: Did Eliot make it out?
Eliot: [choking on blood] Age of the geek, brother.

Nate: For five years I've been, I've been...
Hardison: Drunk.
Parker: Lying.
Elliot: Ornery bastard.

Sterling: That's why you moved to Portland. Could have picked anywhere else in the world, and you chose here.
Nate: It grows on you.

Sterling: I've seen Sophie Devereaux play a dozen people.... drunk.

Sterling: Nathan, you and I are not the same. We don't believe in the same things.

Nate: You've always had my back. Now will you be on my side?
Sophie: [about the ring] Did you steal it?
Nate: No!
Sophie: Because that would be more romantic, right, Parker?

Nate: Will you marry me, Laura?
Sophie: Yes. Yes.

Nate: So, the hard drive. Everything thing you need is right there.
Hardison: You know what. I'm going to dump this on the dark net.
Parker: Every crew from around the world will want in with us.
Hardison: Just think about it. Leverage International.

Parker: So, you're really going?
Sophie: How does that make you feel?
Parker: I think I'm okay with it. Yeah, I'm okay with it.
Nate: That's why we can go.

Nate: [to Hardison] You're the smartest man I know. Don't get cocky.
Hardison: Too late for that.

Nate: Elliot, I'd say, call if you need anything, but you never seem to need anything.
Elliot: Yeah, I did. Thanks to you, I don't have to search anymore.

Sophie: Promise me, you'll keep them safe.
Elliot: Till my dying day.

Elliot: You know this was your crusade. Now this is our war.

[last lines; the team is interviewing two grieving parents who want revenge on the company that killed their son]
Parker: People like that... corporations like that, they have all the money, they have all the power, and they use it to make people like you go away. Right now, you're suffering under an enormous weight. We provide... Leverage.

Repeated Lines[edit]

Eliot Spencer: "Dammit, Hardison!"

Eliot Spencer: "It's a very distinctive..."

Nathan Ford: "Let's go steal a..."

Alec Hardison: Age of the geek, baby!

Alec Hardison [though this has also been said by other characters]: Seriously?

Sterling: Hello, Nate.

Cast[edit]

Timothy Hutton - Nathan Ford
Gina Bellman - Sophie Devereaux
Christian Kane - Eliot Spencer
Beth Riesgraf - Parker
Aldis Hodge - Alec Hardison
Jeri Ryan - Tara Cole

External links[edit]

Wikipedia
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