Louie (2010–) is an American comedy television series on the FX network that began airing in 2010. It is written, directed, edited and produced by the show's creator, stand-up comedian Louis C.K., who stars as a fictionalized version of himself, a comedian and newly divorced father raising his two daughters in New York City. The show has a loose format atypical for television comedy series, consisting of largely unconnected storylines and segments (described as "extended vignettes") that revolve around Louie's life, punctuated by live stand-up performances.
Dr. Ben / Nick [1.3]
- Dr. Ben: Oh God, Louie. How can...that is, really bad. That's the worst penis I've ever seen in my life. That is disgusting, it's ... oh my God. This is the worst thing that's ever happened to me, seeing that...and my dad hung himself in front of me - whilst masturbating. But if I could take one of those things back it would be seeing that awful cock. It looks like you've been getting a dog to suck it off but it chewed it like it thought it was a horrible blood and cum filled shoe.
So Old / Playdate [1.4]
- [Pamela and Louie are drinking wine while their kids play in the other room]
- Pamela: Okay: what's the worst thought you ever had about your kids?
- Louie: ... I don't know - you go first.
- Pamela: All right, um... I would never hit Ser. Never. But, um, sometimes... I think about hitting him. Like I picture it. Like a fantasy?
- Louie: ... Come on, that's not so bad.
- Pamela: Well, I mean, I don't think about it when he's being bad, or, I'm having a hard time with him, or, anything like that, I just, uh... (clears throat) I think about it... when I'm bored. Or, when I'm bored of being a mom? Or when he's just boring. I just think about hitting him, right in his stupid little face.
- Louie: (laughing) Oh my god! That's awful!
- Pamela: I know...
- Louie: Oh my god!
- Pamela: I know?
- Louie: (laughs) Jesus!
- Pamela: All right, so- what's yours?
- Louie: Oh, uh... I don't know, I'm drawing a blank.
- Pamela: C'mon.
- Louie: I can't think of anything.
- Pamela: That's not fair! You're a piece of shit. You're gonna make me burn in hell alone?
- Louie: Nonononono, okay, uh... (deep in thought) bad...
- Pamela: What? Hurry!
- Louie: Okay, okay, okay, all right. You know what? ... I was thinking that... on Jane's... eighteenth birthday, right? That's the day I stop being a dad. Of children. Officially.
- Pamela: Mm-hmm...
- Louie: Like the day I just, I just, become a guy. Not "daddy". I just become, just some dude. ... I think on that day... I might kill myself.
- Pamela: (snorts, laughs) Oh my god! Please, do it now! Oh my god, you're the biggest bummer I ever met! I hate you! (lies back) Oh, I'm having so much fun. (falls asleep)
- Joan Rivers: Listen. I wish I could tell you it gets better, but... it doesn't get better. You get better.
- Pamela: Kick a jesus in the face, this is delicious.
New Jersey/Airport [2.13]
- Louie: Give me a shot.
- Bartender: A shot of what?
- Louie: A shot of whiskey.
- Bartender: What kind of whiskey?
- Louie: I don't know, brown liquid that makes people feel differently.
Telling Jokes/Set Up [3.2]
- Louie: Hey, what are you doing?
- Laurie: I'm gonna put out. Let me blow you.
- Louie: Seriously?
- Laurie: No, it's a hidden-camera show. Come on, get that thing out.
- Louie: Okay.
- Laurie: Lick it or I'll break your finger!
- Louie: Okay, okay.
Late Show Part 1 [3.10]
- Lars Tardigan: Let me offer you a proposal: you go back to New York. You get in shape, you lose about forty pounds. I get you with Jackie Dahl - he's my main city man. He works with you and then, in about two months, we do a test show.
- Louie: A test show?
- Lars Tardigan: Jack will get you a small studio. You know, you'll do a monologue, you'll do a couple of interviews and if the test is good, I'll put you on the air. And then if you're a hit, everyone will think I'm a genius and I'll have saved the network about twelve million dollars. If America hates you, no one's going to blame me. We'll hire Jerry Seinfeld to do the show, no harm, no foul. But you'll take the heat on all that. You're gonna crack your head on the ceiling, and you're gonna go down. Probably for good. (stands) Look Louie, we're talking about the big game here, so forgive me if I use big terms. Here's the reality. In ten years you're going to be teaching comedy in a community college to support your kids and falling asleep to The Late Show with Jerry Seinfeld. You're circling failure in a rapidly decaying orbit. That's the reality as we talk now. But you can change that. It's in your power to change that. Yes, you'll have to work hard. You'll have to do things you haven't done before and still your chances are very slim. But you could change it. I'm going to ask you one more time: David Letterman is retiring. You want his job?
New Years Eve [3.13]
- Louie: [after dropping parts to fix his daughters doll] Shit on my Fathers Balls!
- Louis C.K. - Himself