Out Of Control
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- Dave: (Hern couldn't get the story of the man who skied down Mount Everest on his face) What are you going to show this week in its place?
- Hern: Flimbok.
- Dave: Flimbok?
- The Stick: Gesundheit!
- Dave and Hern: Thank you!
- Dave: So what exactly is Flimbok?
- Hern: It's an incredible new sport Dave. You're going to love it. It's going to sweep the country. Throw away those bowling balls, sell those old video games because Flimbok is the game to beat.
- Dave: Hi and wasn't that educational? (talking slowly) We have another story that I think you'll enjoy.
- [A Gorilla backstage is running the cue cards]
- Dave: Can you turn those cue cards over please? Thank you very much. (starts talking very fast) It's a story about kids, not just any kids but kids who succeed in the adult world. (the gorilla is tossing the cue cards all over the place and Dave speaks really fast.) Diz, you're the stage manager. Get that monkey off those cue cards!
- Gorilla: MONKEY?!?!?!
- Dave: Gorilla, sorry.
- [Hern has two boxes to open]
- Hern: What about these goodies? Gifts from my adoring public!
- Waldo: This one's from Larry Sorehem. You remember him. You did that story on him. You called him the stupidest man you've ever seen.
- [Hern opens the box and receives a boxing glove to the face]
- Hern: I can use that. Remind me to send him a thank you note Waldo.
- Waldo: There's just one more. It's from the Catch 'Em Bill Collection Agency.
- Hern: Oh, uh, hey Waldo, I gotta go to a story on Amusement Parks. You can open this one for me. (leaves)
- Waldo: Thanks Hern. (Opens the box) Ooh, there's a note inside. "Burford, you are two years behind in your payments. To avoid further criminal prosecution, please make pay..." (A pair of handcuffs comes out of the box and handcuffs Waldo to the box) Aah! I'm not Hern Burford! He went to Amusement Parks! He's doing a story! I'm not Hern Burford!! I'm not! HELP!!
- [Dave decides to give Waldo one of his letters]
- Waldo: I hope it's not a bill. (opens it) Oh, look I won something.
- Dave: Hey great Waldo! What is it?
- Waldo: It's an Irish broom for cleaning meat. I don't think I'll ever use it, but it's really nice to win something. It really is.
- Dave: An Irish broom for sweeping meat? (reads the letter) WALDO, YOU'VE WON THE IRISH SWEEPSTAKES! THAT'S A CHECK FOR FIVE MILLION DOLLARS!!
- Waldo: WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW!!!! FIVE MILLION DOLLARS?!?! GREAT!! I BET I'LL GET A LOT OF MAIL NOW!! THANKS DAVE!!
Rock n' Roll Studio
- [the gang is at the buffet table]
- Dave: Here comes Angela. Let's she how she attacks this food. She's going right for the vegetables and the salads.
- Billy Steve Werner: Ah ha, and what a choice of salads she has Dave.
- Dave: What's in that salad?
- Billy: Dave, now that's called three bean salad which is in fact a misnumber. There are hundreds of beans in there.
- Angela: "To Bean or not to Bean?" That is the question.
- Dave: Pretty healthy Angela. Here comes Waldo. He's loading up on potatoes, rice, spaghetti, rolls, more mashed potatoes.
- Billy: I think he's got enough starch on his plate to start his own laundry huh?
- Waldo: Love those spuds!
- Dave: Of course, here comes Diz. And she's going straight for the desserts.
- Billy: Ain't she sweet?
- Diz: Excellent! I like bright colored things. They don't call it Diz-sert for nothing!
- Dave: And finally, last but least, Hern.
- Billy: I'm leaving.
- Hern: Boy, am I hungry!
- Billy: What's it going to be big guy?
- Hern: [with a huge garbage can lid] Fill er up!
- Dave: Hern, what are you going to do with that?
- Hern: Well, you know, these plates are sorta small. So I'll just have some of this, [takes the entire tray of fried chicken] and some of this. [takes the tray of mashed potatoes] oh boy, good, good, good. And some of this here, [takes the three bean salad] and some of that! [takes a dessert]
- Billy: Delicate fellow isn't he?
- Dave: Well he's kinda off of his feet because of the performance.
- Hern: Hey, can we come back for seconds?
- Billy: Well ordinarily, I would say yes however Hern, thanks to you, we have nothing left.
- Hern: Is that all there is?
- Billy: Oh no, we have plenty excuse me, I'm wrong. This, one toothpick.
- Hern: Thank, I'll take it!
- Dave: Hern's kind of a picky eater. [Hern throws his food at Dave]
- Dave: (announcing) It's Out of Control! And now here he is, the guy you've been waiting for since the beginning of the show...The show just started. Uh, the star of Out of Control, the guy who combs his hair to hide the flat spot on the top of his head,...what?! Dave Coulier! (comes out of the curtain) Guy who combs his hair to hide the flat spot on the top of his head? Uh, hi and welcome to Out of Control and (two images of Dave appear next to him) I'm really glad you could make it to the studio today because we've really missed each other. Uh, wait, let's just start over again. Hi and welcome to Out of Control, the longest show on television, the longest show on television, the longest show on television! Wait a minute, can we fast forward past all this monologue stuff? (speaks in fast forward and laughs) Okay, that's much better. A funny thing happened to me on the way to the show today, I level a mom wow. (sees Waldo holding the cue cards) Waldo, something's really going wrong here, the cue cards are all messed up.
- Waldo: Huh? (sees the cue cards and they all say the same thing.) Oh, is that anything new?
- Dave: Okay, forget the monologue, let's just go to the next thing in the script.
- Waldo: Are you sure?
- Dave: Yeah, let's just go to the next thing in the script.
- Waldo: Okay. (Dumps confetti all over Dave)
- Dave: Waldo! What did you do that for?
- Waldo: Well, it's in the script.
- Angela: Angela "Scoop" Quickly for Out of Control. You know naturally, Out of Control is my favorite tv show. But after that is Electrawoman. The adventures of tv's superhero stuntwoman! Today, we're on location with the star of that show, Fannie Flash! (knocks on the trailer door) Come on out Fannie!
- Fannie: (Having trouble inside the trailer) I'm coming.
- Angela: Fannie, are you alright?! (Fannie stumbles out of the trailer and hits the ground) Oh, ouch!! Are you okay?
- Fannie: It happens all the time.