Don't tell me. My doorman's another one of your admirers.
Look, I guarantee there'll be tough times. I guarantee that at some point, one or both of us is gonna want to get out of this thing. But I also guarantee that if I don't ask you to be mine, I'll regret it for the rest of my life, because I know, in my heart, you're the only one for me.
So, um, may be you and I should, you know, what do you think, Huh?
A toast to, uh to Maggie's family and friends. May you find yourselves the bulls-eye of an easy target. May you be publicly flogged for all of your bad choices. And may your noses be rubbed in all of your mistakes.
You're a cynical, explotive, mean-hearted creep who wouldn't know real love if it bit him in the armpit.
There is a distinct possibility that I am profoundly and irreversibly screwed up.
"Dear Editor: Greetings from the sticks. Perhaps you believe that a rural education is focused mainly on hog calling and tractor maintenance rather than reading. Why else would you print a piece of fiction about me and call it fact? I suppose Mr.Graham was too busy thinking up slanderous statements about how I dump men for kicks to bother with something silly like accuracy in reporting, which is understandable because with a man-eater like me on the loose, who has time to check facts? That's why I was surprised to find Mr. Graham's editor was a woman. Call me a sentimental fool, but I sort of hoped we man-eaters could stick together. Anyway, I'm just dropping you big-city folk this little note to say that I have thought of a ritual sacrifice that would satisfy my current appetite: Ike Graham's column on a platter. Yours truly, Maggie Carpenter. P.S., I have enclosed a list of the gross factual misinterpretations in your article. There are fifteen."
Maggie Carpenter: I love Eggs Benedict, I hate every other kind. I hate big weddings with everybody staring. I'd like to get married on a weekday while everybody's at work. And when I ride off into the sunset, I want my own horse.
Ike Graham: Should I be writing this down?
Ellie Graham: [as the runaway bride gets a ride on a Federal Express van] I wonder where she's going.
Fisher: I don't know, but wherever it is she will be there by 10:30 tomorrow.
Maggie Carpenter: Bless me Father for I have sinned. My last confession was... well. Anyway, I have sorta a technical question. I've been having bad thoughts, really bad thoughts.
Priest Brian: Of an impure nature?
Maggie Carpenter: No, No, I want to destroy this man's life, career everything. I want revenge. Now on a sins scale how bad is that? Can I Hail Mary my way out of that?
Maggie Carpenter: Is there one 'right' person for everyone?
Ike Graham: No, but I think attraction is mistaken for rightness.
[Ike and Maggie have just kissed]
Bob Kelly: [to Maggie] If you were imagining me, you did great. [turns to Ike] What the hell were YOU doing?
Ike Graham: I'm sorry, Bob. She kissed me back.
Maggie Carpenter: I kissed him back.
Bob Kelly: Yeah, I caught that. Want to tell me how long this has been going on?
Maggie Carpenter: About a minute...?
Ike Graham: A little longer for me.
Maggie Carpenter: [smiles] Really?
Bob Kelly: What do you expect me to say to this?
Ike Graham: How about - "I hope you'll be very happy together"?
[Bob punches Ike in the face]
Bob Kelly: I hope you'll be very happy together.
Grandma: [about Ike] I like his tight butt.
Maggie Carpenter: Grandma!
Grandma: Well, I do.
Maggie Carpenter: I wanted to tell you why I run - sometimes ride - away from things.
Ike Graham: Does it matter?
Maggie Carpenter: I think so. [takes a deep breath] When I was walking down the aisle, I was walking toward somebody who didn't have any idea who I really was. And it was only half the other person's fault, because I had done everything to convince him that I was exactly what he wanted. So it was good that I didn't go through with it because it would have been a lie. But you - you knew the real me.
Ike Graham: Yes, I did.
Maggie Carpenter: I didn't. And you being the one at the end of the aisle didn't just fix that.
Maggie Carpenter: I love you, Homer Eisenhower Graham. Will you marry me?
Ike Graham: I... I've got to think about this a little bit.
Maggie Carpenter: Good. I was hoping you'd say that.
Ike Graham: [laughing] You were not!
Maggie Carpenter: I was, because if you said "yes" right away, then I wouldn't get to say this next part, and I've been practicing. [Maggie sits down, clears her throat] Ready?
Ike Graham: I'm listening.
Maggie Carpenter: I guarantee there'll be tough times. I guarantee that at some point, one or both of us is going to want get out. But I also guarantee... [starts to cry] that if I don't ask you to be mine, I'll regret it for the rest of my life. Because I know in my heart... you're the only one for me.