Skins (UK TV series)

Skins is a British television program from Company Pictures which premiered on E4 on January 25, 2007. It centres on the lives of a group of sixth-form students who live in Bristol.

Series 1

Tony [1.1]

Tony: Tonight's the night, Sid. You finally pop the cherry, you finally get the VIP tour of Neverland, you finally...

Sid: Fuck off. [mutters] 'Finally'.

Tony: Alright, who's stupid enough to fuck Sid?

Michelle: Cassie?

Sid: No, she's still in hospital.

Michelle: No, they let her out; she's just not allowed to handle knives.

Sid: [defeated] Alright, she'll do.

Tony: Okay we'll have to get a lot of drugs. Tell you what: get an ounce. We can sell it at the party.

Sid: I've got to get an ounce of spliff?

Tony: Sure. There's this guy on Bradley Stoke who'll sell on tick; tell him you'll pay tomorrow.

Sid: Why don't you go?

Tony: Can't. Got tai chi, then my choir audition, then psychology.

Michelle: Cassie's great in the sack... as long as she's not hungry.

Sid: Who says?

Tony and Michelle: Everyone.

Tony: I say this world extends way beyond this little field of dreams we're dancing in, and I wanna see that world.

Chris: What the fuck's he on about?

Jal: He's quoting, Chris. It's a literary reference.

Chris: What do you mean, like Shakespeare and shit?

Jal: Dawson's Creek.

Maxxie: Where are you going?

Chris: To find that party.

Maxxie: Nah!

Chris: Look, it's posh kids! All the boys are gay!

Maxxie: Yea?

Anwar: Are the girls gay, too?

Chris: Look... everyone's gay!

Tony: How's the treatment going, Cassie?

Cassie: Oh, it's cool. I wear a white dress and now I can eat yogurt, cup-a-soup, and hazelnuts now. I'm not sick if they let me play with the cats. Yeah, it's like... hazy days, y'know?

Tony: Well, that's encouraging...

Sid: I mean, what would you do when everything is just so fucked up and you don't know what to do?

Cassie: I stop eating until they take me to hospital.

Cassie [1.2]

Anwar: I'm praying to my God here, Cass.

Cassie: Oh... wow... is he listening?

Anwar: I hope not, otherwise he'll know about all those pills I necked last night.

Cassie: Sing quietly.

Cassie:: 'Chelle?

Michelle: [mumbling in her sleep] Fuck off, Tone.

Cassie:: It's me, Cass.

Michelle:: Crazy bitch.

Cassie:: ...Yes.

Ms Stock: [on the phone to her daughter Abigail] Yes?... No... No, I don't care who's going, Abigail, you failed to comply with my wishes regarding parties and carpets were damaged!... Stop crying!... I am not an "expletive bitch", I am your mother! Have you taken your medication?... Well, take it now. Now!

Tony: You stink.

Sid: I didn't have time.

Tony: Time? I've been home, showered, done my Chi, had a wank, subtly undermined my dad, put new clothes on and here I am, with my English coursework.

Sid: English coursework? [in dismay] Oh fuck...

Tony: You know, Sid, sometimes I wonder why you even bother to get up in the morning. You're such a complete and total fucking waste of time and... [angered, Cassie discreetly nudges her plate, spilling Sid's Coca Cola on Tony's trousers] Ah, shit!

Cassie: Wow, Tony. Bummer, It looks like you pissed yourself.

Tony: [furiously] That's not supposed to fucking happen!

[there is laughter from Anwar's table]

Anwar: Look at Tony, man! [laughing] Ah shit man!

Posh Kenneth: Raas blood, white boy gone piss himself up, you get me! Mandem's sick stains! Hey cuz! Yo got serious stains! Him cream up his pussy good style!

[Tony gets up and assaults Posh Kenneth]

Cassie: I'm a bad person. [Sid smiles and nods]

Tony: [sulkily, to Sid] Come on.

[Tony is drying his pants in the staff locker room when unbeknownst to him his teacher Angie exits the shower completely naked, puts on a see-through thong, then slams her locker door, alerting Tony to her presence]

Angie: [walking toward Tony while topless] Tony, this is a room for female staff...!

Tony: [staring at Angie's naked breasts] Yeah, the dryer's broken in ours. [Angie puts her hands on her hips disapprovingly, but doesn't cover her chest, letting Tony look]

Sid: [walking in] Oh, there you are. Jesus, we're in trouble. That crazy fucking dealer found us Tony—hi, Angie [Angie quickly uses her hands to cover her breasts]—I mean, we gotta do something, you could talk to him... [noticing that Angie's naked, staring down at her see-through thong] oh, fuck!

Chris: [walking in] Aw, you wankers, that was well funny, man! I bet someone's going to have to apologise because Kenneth's crying now so he... [realises Angie is staring at him] Oh, Jesus Christ, that's Angie, Mary mother of God, that's Angie! Don't look, get out!

Angie: For fuck's sake, fuck off! [after the boys leave she lets her breasts go and watches them bounce] Ah, I still got it.

Cassie: This guy from my group therapy's got your ID card. He's a crazy fuck and he hates you because you cheated him.

Sid: What's his name?

Cassie: He likes to be called Mad.

Sid: Twatter?

Cassie: Yeah, totally. What did you do?

Sid: I bought some dope on the tick and lost it in the harbour, and... oh, fuck!

Jal [1.3]

Michelle: You, girl, need to learn a few tricks.

Jal: Like what?

Michelle: Like looking good, it's what I do.

Jal: It isn't all you do.

Michelle: Yeah, it is. You play clarinet and I look shaggable.

[All the guys at the table are staring at Jal's breasts]

Jal: For Christ's sake! Stop Looking at them!

Maxxie: Oh, sorry Jal. Well, they're out aren't they?

Jal: [to Maxxie] You're gay!

Maxxie: [enchanted] Yeah... [snaps back to normal] I mean, yeah. Of course.

Jal: [to Anwar] You're supposed to respect womens' bodies, Muslim boy!

Anwar: I'm respecting. Believe me, I'm respecting.

Jal's Father: [into a microphone, spoken word] I'm inspired—I'm offline, a renegade, disturbing the peace while I'm spitting a serenade. All this tension, miscomprehension. I'm informed and on the level that I might mention that when I scream it's just passion. I ain't angry at culture, I ain't angry at fashion. And I might sound spiteful if I feel shit's epidemic; I admit that some is soul and some is academic. I've been doing this forever, so why're you choosing now? Turning your face away is a punch in the gut—Pow! So swing a rhyme of time, like the daft sing of love, so keep your peace. 'Cause I've got kin, I've got skin to think of.

Chris [1.4]

Chris: [attempting to return a stereo] Look, man, I bought it yesterday, and I remember you! Very good... face for memorising. So yeah, I bought it from you and you were chuffed to sell it.

[The shop assistant opens the CD drawer]

Shop assistant: There's a pop tart in the CD drawer.

[A squatter shoves a naked Chris out of his own house after they fought]

Squatter: Listen, take a while, calm down, maybe take a day or two and then we'll talk about it, alright?

Chris: It's my fucking house!

Squatter: I don't make the rules, man, I don't make the rules.

Junkyard Man: [buying Chris' wheelbarrow] How do you want it? Powder, pills or cash?

Chris: Cash.

Junkyard Man: [counting out money] 10, 15, 20, job done.

Chris: Fuck it, let's have a look at these pills, then.

Jal: You try it: no mum, no dad, all on your own.

Tony Stonem: S8 brilliant to me.

Sid [1.5]

Mark Jenkins: Oh yes, my boy, we're going to do this my way now, you hear me!? The gravy train has terminated, terminated! You lazy little fucker.

Liz: Mark! -

Mark: Did Tony fail this?

Sid: No.

Mark: No, of course not! And why? Why didn't he fail it?

Sid: He doesn't take History.

Mark: Right! [beat] You are going to get something, something right, if it is the last thing I ever do! What's your next class?

Sid: Drama.

Mark: Right! Drama! Home! Coursework! Fucking perfection! Or else!

Sid: Why are you talking in very short sentences?

Mark: Emphasis! Drama! Fuck off!

[Michelle walks in on Tony and Abigail with Tony's hand up her shirt]

Michelle: What the fuck?

Abigail: Um, excuse me?

Tony: Hi. Just checking Abi's diaphragm contractions.

Michelle: What the hell is going on?

Tony: The simple act of performance, sweetie. What did you think?

Michelle: Bullshit Tony! You fucking sick... God, you're such a wanker!

Tony: Here...

[Tony gives Michelle flowers]

Michelle: Fuck you!

Tony:[In baby voice]: Fluffy teddy bear?

[Michelle rips the teddy apart]

Abigail: That's my lucky teddy!

Michelle: And you can fuck off too!

Abigail: Well, Michelle... I'm just wondering why you're overreacting like this?

Michelle: Overreacting!? Right in my face, you whore!

Abigail: You know, typically, episodes of paranoia might be symptomatic of a wide range of emotional and mental issues. Maybe, you know, you need some help with the outbursts. My mother's a psychologist, she could...

[Michelle slaps Abigail]

Abigail: Ow! I'll kill you, you fucking flat-chested cock-sucking spastic horse-fucker!

Sid: Whoa, good swearing.

Michelle: Bye, Tony.

Tony: Later, Nips.

Tony: Looks like me and Chelle are on a break.

Sid: You did that on purpose?

Tony: Go after her.

Sid: What?

Tony: Come on, man. Life throws up so few opportunities.

Sid: But she's your girlfriend!

Tony: Who you love. [beat] Change. It's a wonderful thing. Look, you know how subatomic particles don't obey physical laws? They act according to chance, chaos, coincidence. They run into each other in the middle of the universe somewhere and bang! Energy! We're the same as that. That's the great thing about the universe: unpredictable. That's why it's so much fun.

Cassie: I've been waiting. Where were you?

Sid: I was out.

Cassie: Who with?

Sid: Michelle.

Cassie: Michelle? Wow!

Sid: Listen, Cass, I've had a bit of a bad nigh—[is interrupted by Cassie]

Cassie: Michelle's so lovely! [singsong] Michelle... my girl. [Rapidly] I love her, I love her, I love her! So hey, wow! Fuck you, Sid! [Sid tries to protest] Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you! [Cassie shoots her toy water gun at Sid's face then breaks down in tears] I'm going home.

[Sid tries to stop her from leaving so he can explain]

Cassie: [kissing Sid] It's your choice, everything is your choice. [whispers] Wake up, Sid.

Chris: Everything you could ever want from an evening. Songs, choir girls, colourful costumes, fellatio... rabbits.

Maxxie: Rabbits?

Chris: Don't ask.

Maxxie and Anwar [1.6]

[Anwar gets out of the Russian interrogation room]

Anwar: Now what?

Angie: Walk on.

Anwar: Fine. It's just that they look so disappointed that I'm not a terrorist.

Tony: Well you are a very dull Muslim. Very dull indeed.

[Maxxie, looking through Anwar's suitcase, finds his mother has arranged his clothes in plastic wrapping and labelled them, as if he is a child]

Anwar: What, you try arguing with a 45-year old Pakistani woman then.

Maxxie: Anwar's decided to become a Muslim.

Sid: What, like more Muslim than he was already?

Maxxie: A bit more Muslim, yeah.

Tony: What happened?

Maxxie: Well, he’s just like, switched about me being, you know-

Tony: Blond?

Maxxie: No.

Tony: Short?

Maxxie: Gay!

Tony: [pause] Shall I give you head?

Maxxie: What?

Tony: [grins] Cheer you up.

Maxxie: For fuck's sake! You're supposed to be my friend Tony and I come in here with a problem, okay?

[Tony kisses Maxxie]

Maxxie: You fuck...

Tony: We're in Russia! I wanna try something new.

Maxxie: I'm... not a hobby Tony. You're not taking up canoeing here.

Tony: I've been canoeing.

Maxxie: What about Michelle?

Tony: Loves canoeing.

Maxxie: Anwar's a fucking liar! Lies to his mum all the fucking time! No, no, no, fuck that. He makes me lie for him.

Valentina: Who is Anwar?

Maxxie: ... a friend.

Valentina: Who is homo?

Maxxie: Me! Anwar hates me 'cause I'm a fucking homo!

Valentina: Anwar hate homo?

Maxxie: Yeah.

Valentina: Anwar is friend?

Maxxie: Yeah.

Valentina: So, Anwar is problem! No, Maxxie... Valentina help Maxxie?

Maxxie: Yeah, yeah, thank you.

Valentina: Maxxie help Valentina?

Angie: I don't have sex with my 17 year-old students!

Chris Miles: How old are they normally?

Sid: [to himself] Every time. Every fucking time. "Buy three ounces of weed, Sidney." Oh yes, sir. "Shove a bag of pills up your ass, Sidney." Oh, right away. "Come help me save some random bint." Oh, could I? What have we learned, Sidney? Your friends are shitheads.

Valentina: What is problem?

Maxxie: You won't understand. I mean you can't even speak English.

Valentina: No problem. Vodka.

Valentina: You tell me problem. We drink, problem kaput!

Anwar: You speak English!

Anka: Yeah! I learned from like so the best American show ever. How you doin'?

Michelle [1.7]

[Chris has just seen Michelle act coldly to Tony and Tony getting slapped]

Chris Miles: Jesus, Sid, are you going to tell me what's going on? It's like a fucking episode of The O.C. in here!

Tony: 'Chelle, you all right?

Michelle: [punches Tony in the face] You dirty little fucker, I never want to see your tiny twatty cock ever again.

Tony: What's up, Nips?

Michelle: [kicks Tony in the groin] I was waiting for you to tell me. [crying] Time's up, you wanker! [walks away]

Jal: [to Tony] Jesus, what have you done this time? [to Sid] Sid?

Sid: I don't know!

Jal: For Christ's sake!

Posh Kenneth: I must say, she's a fiery one.

Maxxie: Tone, shouldn't you, you know, go after her?

Tony: ...She'll come back.

Jal: 'Chelle, what happened?

Michelle: [crying] Never mind!

Jal: Never mind? Did he screw someone again?

Michelle: Again?

Jal: I tried to tell you, 'Chelle.

Michelle: About who?

Jal: But you never wanna hear it.

Michelle: About who, for Christ's sakes!?

Jal: Jenny, Mags, Kelly, White Justine, Black Justine, Bucktooth from the Geography trip, the posh girl from the choir...

Michelle: Abigail? Abigail Stock? He promised he hadn't!

[Tony is outside Michelle's house throwing pebbles at her window]

Tony: 'Chelle! 'Chelle! Hey, Nips! [reciting Shakespeare] It is the east and Juliet is the sun. Arise fair sun and kill the envious moon who is already sick and pale with grief.

[Sid approaches Tony]

Sid: Why don't you just leave her alone for a bit?

Tony: Sidney?

Sid: She thinks you're a tit.

Tony: She doesn't think I'm a tit.

Sid: Why do you pull all this shit, Tony?

Tony: Look around Sidney. Fuck all ever happens in this shitty little town. You've gotta improvise.

Sid: No matter who you hurt?

Tony: So I messed around with Maxxie a bit. So what? He was bored, I was bored, Michelle was bored, and now we're not. And she's gonna feel so good when she gets me back.

Sid: You sure?

Tony: Don't be such a dildo, Sid. 'Course she will. [continues reciting Shakespeare] It is my lady! O, it is my love! O that she knew she were! She speaks, yet she says nothing. What of that? Her eye discourses it. I will answer it.

[Sid violently punches Tony in the face, knocking him down, and leaves]

Tony: [in shock] Sid? You see, Sidney? Now you're getting it! Now you're getting it!

[Tony struggles to regain his confidence, but eventually throws the stone away and leaves, visibly shaken by Sid's punch]

Michelle: Hi, Abby.

Abigail: Michelle. How...safe to see you.

Michelle: [sarcastically] Isn't it? Can I ask you something?

Abigail: Yah?

Michelle: I was just wondering how many times you fucked my boyfriend.

[Girls gasp]

Girl: Oh, Abby, you didn't.

Abigail: Very, very rude of you, yah? It's just horrid.

Michelle: Don't worry. He fucks everyone, including boys, so you've got that in common.

Abigail: Oh, you absolute bitch! [tries to assault Michelle, but is stopped by a boy]

Boy: Hey, easy, Abby. Easy.

Abigail: I didn't! I fuck-- I mean, I just wouldn't!

Girl: That's terrible.

Michelle: I wouldn't go there, mate. Don't know what she's picked up, you know what I mean?

[Abigail tries to break from the boy's grasp]

Girl: That's the absolute limit!

Abigail: Let me go! I want to shit her, the fucking bitch, cow, whore! Let go of me!

Boy: [struggling] Perhaps you should go, yeah? I'm Josh, by the way -- Abigail's brother.

Michelle: Sweet. Anyway, bye, girls. Bye, Abby.

Abigail: [struggling] Let me, go I want to tear her tits off!

[Michelle has walked away, Josh lets go of Abigail]

Abigail: Come here, you curly-haired tart, I'm going to fuck you up! Come back!

Josh: [stunned at Michelle] Wow.

[Mark catches Sid and Michelle in a compromising situation]

Mark: Sid, have you got a razor I can borrow? [Looks astonished at what meets him]

Sid: It's OK, Dad. Michelle's just a bit upset.

[Nervously, he offers a thumbs-up and leaves]

Mark: Finally! [calls his wife] Liz... Yeah. [Excitedly] Hey listen. It's conclusive! He's not gay!

Maxxie: I got off with Tony on the Russia trip. I only did it 'cause I fell out with Anwar when he said he hated gays. So I got upset and Tony said he'd give me head to cheer me up, you know? And it didn't mean anything but I lost my head, then he gave me head, then we got deported from Russia and I'm really, really sorry for being a slut, okay?

Effy [1.8]

Effy: Sometimes I think I was born backwards, you know came out my mum the wrong way. I hear words go past me backwards. The people I should love I hate, and the people I hate...

[Sid and Tony are rushing to Effy's rescue]

Sid: Hang on, you want to nick my dad's car? Why can't we nick your dad's instead?

Tony: Because, Sid, my dad has central locking, sophisticated alarm system, and probably thinks a spell in prison would do me good. Whereas your dad has a 20 year-old car, neighbourhood watch, and won't prosecute.

Tony: Effy's different, I sort of own her, 'cause she's my sister. But with you... I just really wanted you there. Then you were, in the car.

Sid: Thing is, Tony, you sort of own me too. Mostly in a good way.

[Anthea and Jim are accusing Tony of giving Effy drugs]

Anthea: I suppose we should congratulate you for getting her clean drugs.

Tony: You think this was me?

Anthea: She was with you.

Tony: I wasn't. I was...

Jim: Don't deny it.

Anthea: Tony, she's your little sister.

Tony: I know. I know. But listen, for a second...

Anthea: No. I've had enough of listening to you. We all have. You and your horrid little ways, always at other people's expense.

Sid: Hang on. That's enough.

Anthea: What!?

Sid: He loves Effy. Don't you think this is hard enough?

Jim: And who the fuck are you?

Sid: I'm his best friend!

Jim: And I'm his fucking father!

Sid: [coldly] I know what you are. [pause] Come on, Tony, we're going. [gets up]

Series Finale [1.9]

Sid: [writing a letter] Cassie, I don't care if you think you're odd, because I feel like singing when I see you. And you're beautiful. And I've been such a fucking chapstick this past few weeks. And all I want to do this morning is sit on top of Brandon Hill and hold you, and tell you how wonderful you are... and stick my hand down your knickers. [thinks, crosses this out]

[Concurrently]

Cassie: [writing a letter] Dear Sid, it isn't easy to tell you this, so that's why I'm writing. Don't try to ring me, because you're not allowed to here, and anyway I don't want to speak to you. And there's nothing you can say to change this. My mom and dad decided that things aren't working out, so I'm moving to a place called Elgin. It's in Scotland, and everyone's happy there. They're coming for me tonight, and then I'll be gone and we won't have to play this silly game anymore. I want you to know that I really liked you, Sid. But... it's too late now. Goodbye.

Maxxie: I'm gay, Mr. Kharrel. I always have been.

Mr. Kharrel: It's a fucking stupid messed up world. I've got my God. He speaks to me everyday. Somethings I just can't work out so I leave them be, okay? Even if I think they're wrong, because I know someday he'll make me understand. I've got that trust. It's called belief. I'm a lucky man.

Sid: Tony you're my best friend, but I really don't know what the fuck you're on about most of the time... do you think that matters?

Tony: Sidney, I think on balance... it helps.

Tony: Just you and me, sis.

Effy: Fucking wanker.

Tony: Eff, what are you talking about?

Effy: Michelle.

Tony: I tried.

Effy: No. Wanker.

Tony: I said sorry!

Effy: Wanker.

Tony: Effy. I liked it better when you didn't talk.

Effy: [pause] Wanker.

Series 2

Tony and Maxxie [2.1]

[Dale crashes into Maxxie and they roll together down the hill. Dale kisses Maxxie who eventually pushes him off, and they roll down even more with Dale ending up straddling Maxxie]

Dale: Sent them the other way.

Maxxie: Fucking cake. I shoudfghujioijhbvgfggfgffggfld've knew it when I saw the hundreds and thousands.

Dale: Lemon Drizzle. It's a piece of piss.

Maxxie: Dale, you can't just treat me like shit and then just... just... nah, fuck it.

[Maxxie draws Dale down for another kiss]

[Maxxie's dad Walter walks past Tony, Chris and Jal]

Walter: Hello, Tony, Chris, funny name.

Maxxie: I'm never going to be a builder, Dad.

Maxxie's Dad: You'll understand this one day kid, you're everything I've got to show for my life and I'm not ready for you to go cause I fucking love you too much. I'm an idiot, I know.

Maxxie: I love you too, Dad.

Jal: If I'd just met you Anwar I'd rather slit my wrists than give you one.

Anwar: That's because you don't give anyone one.

Young girl: I wanna give Maxxie one.

Young girl 2: You can't, he's homosexual.

Young girl: Bummer.

Young girl: Eh? What's up with you?

Tony: I had a traumatic subdural haematoma with motor and receptive complications.

Young girl 2: Are you mental?

Tony: Yes.

Young girl: I'd still give you one.

Sketch [2.2]

[In a costume party Michelle, dressed as Princess Leia, has ran into Tony who is dressed as Luke Skywalker and Abigail also as Leia]

Tony: Hi, Michelle.

Michelle: You dressed as Luke. For her.

Tony: Well, I guess I... did I?

Michelle: Tony, you... [walks away]

[Maxxie and Anwar are watching]

Anwar: You think either of them has actually seen Star Wars? You reckon they know Luke's her brother?

[During a musicial rehearsal]

Mr. Gelcart: No. No. No. No. NO! [calmly] No.

[Everyone stops what they're doing. Mr. Gelcart takes out a lighter and sets a paper on fire.]

Mr. Gelcart: Do you know what this is? This is MY script and I'm burning it.

Mr. Gelcart: And do you know why? Becau--

[The paper is burning like anything]

Mr. Gelcart: [shocked and anxious] Does someone wanna give me a hand here, please? Quickly, quickly, thank you.

[Mr. Gelcart puts the paper in a dustbin]

Mr. Gelcart: Because you... You know I burnt my fing--

Mr. Gelcart: [angered and annoyed] BECAUSE YOU MADE IT SHIT!

[Sketch gets jealous of Maxxie and Michelle kissing and drops a stage light to kill Michelle. Sketch fortunately misses.]

Michelle: [looking upwards] What the fuck?

Sketch: It just slipped. Sorry.

Maxxie: [walking over to Sketch] Michelle! Is Chelle OK?

Sketch: I just gave her some mild stuff to make her vomit. From the look of her waist, I'm sure she's thrown up worse.

Maxxie: [angered] Who the fuck are you?

Sketch: Do you believe in magic Maxxie? When we kiss--

Maxxie: [angered and raising his voice] I'm gay! Do you understand that?

Sketch: Look at me! I'm as close to a boy as you can get! You could love me. We could love each other.

Maxxie: [in disbelief] You're fucking crazy!

[Maxxie and Sketch kiss during the performance]

Maxxie: [whispering] Nothing. I felt nothing. You disgust me. [Sketch has a breakdown]

[Sketch has a breakdown. She grabs Maxxie by the arm and slaps him. Everything stops.]

Sketch: No! That's not how it goes! It's not! It's not!

Maxxie: You think you can fuck my life up and I'll start fancying you? Look at yourself. Stay out of my life.

[While having sex with Sketch]

Anwar: You mind if I list a complete filmography of Hugh Grant since 1992... to slow things down? Bitter Moon, Remains of the Day, Sirens, Four Weddings, An Awfully Big Adventure... that one was rubbish... The Englishman Who Came Up a Hill and Went Down a Mountain, Nine Months, Sense and Sensibility, Restoration, Extreme Measures, Notting Hill, Mickey Blues Eyes, Small Time Crooks, Bridget Jones... Bridget Jones! I never get as far as About A Boy.

Sid [2.3]

Chris: Four months without sex that ain't funny. But you probably wouldn't understand that, Jal.

Jal: Huh?

Chris: Well you don't have sex at all, do you? You have clarinet lessons.

Alex: You still in the school, boy?

Sid: Oh, A-levels, you know?

Alex: [sneering] A-levels? I hear they make them nice and easy for you down here.

[Sid and his father, Mark, have a heart-to-heart]

Sid: Why don't you stand up to him?

Mark: Dad's always been ill.

Sid: [enquiringly] What with?

Mark: It's uh... [scoffs] I don't actually know. I think everytime I see him, it's gonna be the last time and you can't take chances with that.

Sid: He calls you stupid and useless and crap.

Mark: [glumly] My father's disappointed. They often are.

Sid: [enquiringly] Is that how you see me?

Mark: [turning around and calmly] Never.

Sid: I'm useless and crap. I fuck everything up and it drives you mad.

Mark: [walking to Sid] Do you hear me Sid? Never.

Alex: [sneering] Cannae hold onto your woman, eh?

[Mark hits breaking point. He has had enough of his abusive father]

Mark: Fuck off out of my house, you miserable Scottish cunt!

Alex: [in disbelief] You... You, you... what!?

Mark: [approaches Alex] I know what your game is, Alex. It's a fucking good yin. But I'm not buying it, you got me?

Sid: [Enquiringly] Dad?

Mark: It's okay, Sid. [Raises his voice] They're all leaving! RIGHT NOW! [Alex looks shocked]

[Alex drives away and is never seen again.]

[Sid and his father, Mark, have a heart-to-heart]

Sid: I think I dumped Cassie. She's with some guy.

Mark: They're always with some guy. If they're special, you just have to make sure that guy is you. Alright?

Michelle [2.4]

Anna Richardson: [taking a box marked "Fragile" from a delivery man] This one's mine.

[The bottom of the box falls open and reveals several sex toys]

Delivery man: Buggering hell!

[Anna sighs and picks up a lemon-squeezer]

Anna: This one's actually a lemon squeezer!

Delivery man: Thank Christ for that...

Sid: [getting up] Anyways, we should get the tents up. [helps Michelle up] Gimme a hand getting them off the...

[They see that the tents are missing from the car roof]

Sid: ...Roof?

[Cut to the gang advancing on Chris]

Chris: Look, it's not my fault!

Jal: I told you to tie the tents to the roof!

Chris: No, no, no, you said to put the stuff on the roof! Nobody said anything about tying!

Maxxie: You meader, Chris!

Sid: [As Anwar pushes Chris] What did you think was holding them up there, you muppet?!

Michelle: Where the fuck are we gonna sleep!?

Chris: I'm sorry! [pause] Fuck it, I'm inadequate. What can you do?

Jal: This! [reaches out and crushes his testicles]

Sid: Oh, that's gotta hurt.

Chris [2.5]

College principal: [to Chris] I'll cut to the chase. We've no coursework from you and the exams are about to start. You're a shit student and your inevitably shit results will affect my averages and I'll be swimming in a river of shit and I didn't pack a snorkel.

Chris: Right, I've been to the job centre yeah, and they're a bit.. well they're all fuc—

Josie: Fuddy-duddies.

Chris: Yeah! Yeah, they are fuddy-duddies! Right, they're like, "just queue up here, fill in this box here, don't steal that. Right, it's a load of cra—"

Josie: Cranberry juice. [offers Chris a carton] Would you want...?

Chris: Thanks. Anyway, there's this one lady there, I've never met such a big fat bit—

Josie: Biscuit. [offers Chris a jar] Do you want a biscuit?

[Chris takes a biscuit and eats it]

Josie: How can I help?

Chris: Well, I'm thinking, seeing as you're a careers officer...

[Josie thinks heavily]

Chris: ...I thought.. you could... you know...

[Josie still thinking heavily]

Chris: ...help me get a job.

Josie: Oh yeah! Totally!

Chris: Yeah!? Fucking ace!

[Josie points to a sign that says "Be daring, try to express yourself without swearing."]

Josie: [quietly] Chris, stop swearing...

Chris: So I told him he was a pitty boss and a pastard, and he could pucking shove his pucked polo up his packside! Stupid prick!

Josie: I think one slipped through there Chris...

Chris: [thinks] Stupid punt.

Cassie: [maniacally, while peeling an apple with a carving knife] Chris and Jal... Jal and Chris... more couples! More and more couples! [staring at the knife] Have you ever been in love?

Jal: I don't think so...

Cassie: [smiling] Do you want me to describe it to you?

Jal: [nervously] Okay...

Cassie: Do you remember when you rode with me in the ambulance after I tried to kill myself?

Jal: Of course.

Cassie: That's what love feels like.

[Cassie puts her knife down and examines her apple. Jal discreetly hides the knife]

Chris' boss: Can I have a word?

[Chris acquiesces. Simultaneously, Chris' colleague Jon completes a sale and begins a loud and over-exaggerated celebration. The noise can be clearly heard in the manager's office]

Chris' boss: It's just that, you've not sold anything yet. You've been here a while now.

Chris: No, no, I understand.

Chris' boss: If there's anything I can do to help...

Chris: [referring to Jon] Muzzle, maybe?

Chris' boss: [laughs, then adopts a serious manner] He does sell properties, son.

Cassie: Do you know what hurts most about a broken heart? Not being able to remember how you felt before... try and keep that feeling, because... if it goes... you'll never get it back.

Chris: What happens then?

Cassie: You lay waste to the world... and everything in it.

Chris: Jal, don't you understand I wanna-

Jal: Make a new fucking pact that means nothing to you? Yeah! Let's do that! We'll build something, and we'll tear it down! Fuck it! Come on. Say it. Build something! Tear it down! You're not who I thought you were. You're an empty, poisonous smile.

Chris: Jal, can't we just- I don't know what I'm meant to say! Jal, look at me. I was perfectly happy killing myself. All right? But then you asked me to try. And for the first time in my life, it felt like someone actually gave a shit, and that that person was worth trying for. And now... I'd fucking, I'd make the world record biggest sandwich if you asked me to. I'd kick old grannies in the tits, I'd fill the river with Panda Pops!

Chris: Money, it’s just bits of paper or numbers on a screen isn’t it really. But these walls they exist. If you can imagine memories happening in them than that’s real isn’t it? I just, I want you to imagine dying. Alright I know that sounds weird but just, you’re really old and you’re in your bed and you’re remembering your life. Your daughter’s first birthday. Shagging on a Sunday afternoon. Skinning up in the garden. With the kids. Alright when you do that, is this the house that you see in all those memories? Cause if it is than a few bits of paper here or there don’t really seem to matter.

Tony [2.6]

Tony: You don't know a fucking thing about me, you sanctimonious cunt. But since we're playing the guessing game, let's make a few assumptions. A divorced, lonely, middle-aged lecturer who lives alone and gets his rocks off--

Professor: You are really fucking blowing this...

Tony: --who gets his fucking rocks off trying to sleep with fucking first years. Other hobbies include intimidation and furtive masturbation. I bet you thought you'd died and gone to heaven when you got here, didn't you? Your own office, and all the students you could eat?

Tony: Animus... It means spirit, courage, passion, wrath. This is mine.

Professor: Who the fucking hell do you think you are?

Tony: I'm a bad dream, mate. I'm you before you shrivelled and died. And I don't wanna go where you've been. So in answer to your earlier question, you should've given me a place here. I'd have been the best student you'd ever had.

Effy [2.7]

Pandora: [stoned] Hi mum. No, I'm fine, I'm super duper fine! Yep, I'm with my friends and they're like so fucking amazing. Well, I guess I'm looking at Tony's cock, but he can't tell. See ya! [Tony looks more uncomfortable as she keeps on staring]

Doorman: What do you think?

Tony: [flicking through a book manuscript] Oh yes, excellent. But... [pauses while the doorman admits two girls into the nightclub]

Doorman: But?

Tony: The character arcs are immaculately achieved with a good degree of stylistic control. I especially like the doorman with superpowers; vaporising Reeboks? Very nice. [the doorman laughs] But you need to move the climatic development back, so the orgy scene comes before the disembowelling of the Elvic horde. See?

[The doorman takes back the manuscript and flicks through it. He pauses for a second, then has an epiphany]

Doorman: That's it! You've solved it! Oh, have a good one mate. [gives Tony a lollipop and admits him into the nightclub]

Effy: [About Sid's drawing] "Loser" isn't an emotion.

Sid: It is to me. You think it's shit, don't you?

Effy: Yes.

Sid: I used four biros. And I bought them. [takes them out] Four. You owe me 79 pence.

[Effy gets up and starts to undress]

Sid: Whoa, whoa, whoa, Effy, what're you doing?

Effy: [undressing] I'm going out. You've got 24 hours, Sid, to produce something that doesn't look like coursework for GCSE spaz. [crosses over to her cupboard and takes out a pallet, paint and brush] Dip your brush in that, and don't even think of leaving this room until you've done it. [sits down on the bed in her underwear]

Sid: Listen, I don't think this is working out, yeah? Right, shall we just leave it, okay? I quit.

[Effy begins bouncing on her bed and making groaning noises]

Sid: [realising what she's doing] All right. All right! I'm doing it.

[Sid begins painting, while Effy puts her dress on]

Cassie: [acidly] What do you want, Sid?

Sid: I want you to stop what you're doing, okay? You know: fucking around, fucking anything that moves. Just stop it!

Cassie: You started it!

Sid: I don't care, I don't care! You're cruel! I hate you!

Cassie: I hate you right back. Why don't you pop over to Michelle's and give her one? [mock surprise] Oh, another one!

Sid: [annoyed] Just give it a fucking rest, okay? You know, it's you and me. You know that, and you're being stupid!

Cassie: My turn!

Sid: You went away! Why did you go away? You know, I needed you, and you pissed off! My dad said... he said you're special, but you're not! You're just slutting around like a spoilt kid!

Cassie: [singsong] Michelle, Sid, Michelle!

Sid: I don't love Michelle! I never loved Michelle, I love you, but you—[sits down, and starts to cry] God, where were you? My dad fucking died. [Cassie's guilt begins to show] I needed you. I mean, Michelle?... We had great sex for three days and guilty sex for the rest. So what? I don't care! I did it. I hate you. [gets up to leave] Fine, fuck fifteen year olds. Whatever. I'm sick of saying sorry. I love you. You say sorry.

Cassie: [Realising he's talking about Effy's friend, Jake] I didn't fuck him, Sid. His mum had sewn his name into his trousers, and, well, he got a bit excited. And he squashed my slug. My slug called Sidley. So I threw him out.

[Sid and Cassie kiss]

Chris :[Chris walks in] Look, if he's still bothering you, Cass,- [seeing them kiss] Oh... okay. Smokin'!

[Effy is talking to her art teacher, Madame de Luca, about her GCSE coursework.]

Effy: [Referring to her efforts in getting Tony and Michelle, and Sid and Cassie back together] It's finished.

Madame de Luca: Oh? Splendid. And what emotion have you depicted?

Effy: Anger. Jealousy. Bitterness. Tiredness. Hope. Lust. Love.

Madame de Luca: A veritable feast. So, where is it?

Effy: It's everywhere.

Madame de Luca: My dear girl, I'm not sure I understand.

Effy: It's conceptual. You just can't see it.

Madame de Luca: You're saying you haven't done it.

Effy: No. I'm saying you can't see it.

Madame de Luca: Well, I'm not quite sure that's going to work for the Anglo–Welsh GCSE board now, is it?

Effy: No. I guess they'll just have to expel me. [grins mischievously] Goodbye, Madame de Luca.

[doorbell rings Tony opens it]

Sid: Is effy in?

Tony: (Tony lets Sid in. closes door) upstairs.

Sid: Ta

Tony: You gonna nail my sister? is that it? first my girlfriend, then my sister?

Side: No, I...(thinks) No!

Tony: All right. Just asking.

Sid: Nah, I'll wait till she's 16. Keep it legal, yeah? (walks away)

Jal [2.8]

Cassie: You can put any face behind a mask, but be careful.

Jal: Why?

Cassie: Because someone else might be pretending.

Cassie [2.9]

Cassie: Okay. What do you have to say to me?

Sid: Erm... I'm sorry I'm such a tit?

Cassie: [smiles] No.

Sid: My life never made any sense to me until I met you?

Cassie: No.

Sid: Um... I never really loved Michelle, and it was a terrible mistake. And I must have misheard her when she said that I was the best lay ever, and she really really wasn't that great in bed?

Cassie: [slightly disturbed] No.

Sid: [what she wants dawns on him] Good luck in your exam.

Cassie: I'll love you forever, Sid.

Sid: You will?

Cassie: Yes. That's the problem.

Cassie: Is it possible to truly enjoy power?

Lawes: Sorry?

Cassie: 'S question three.

Lawes: I'm not supposed to help you with your exam.

Cassie: I stopped eating, and then everyone had to do what I said. That was powerful.

Lawes: And did you enjoy that?

Cassie: I think it was the happiest time of my life. But I had to stop before I died, because... otherwise it wasn't fun.... You wouldn't understand.

Lawes: You're wrong, Cassie.

Cassie: Did you cut yourself, too?

Lawes: People will do anything to-- People will do anything to work out why they feel bad, won't they?

Cassie: And did you? Work it out?

Lawes: Like I said, I'm not supposed to help you with your exam.

Cassie: I want you to tell me!

Lawes: What?

Cassie: How to stop bad things happening.

Lawes: Doesn't work, does it? That's why you have to start eating again.

Cassie: ... I fell in love.

Lawes: Ah, love. Why cut yourself when you can be in love?

Cassie: You think passing an exam will make me happy?

Lawes: Cassie, passing exams generally only makes life more complicated, but there's lots of other stuff that makes things bearable, and you don't even have to use a knife.

Cassie: ...Like?

Lawes: Disco.

Cassie: [talking to Sid in her bedroom] I don't know why I am the way I am.

Sid: It's alright.

Cassie: No, it's not alright. Something makes me hate everything. Everything. [happily] That's what I like about you, Sid. You never try to explain things.

Everyone [2.10]

Michelle: I'm not saying forget about him [Chris], because you can't and you shouldn't. He was special. But I, I just think... Fuck it.

Jal: What?

Michelle: Like Chris. He said fuck it, I'll do it my way. And the people that love me will understand why I'm doing it because they love me.

[Sid is angered that he has not been invited to Chris' funeral by Chris' father. He goes to Tony's to vent out his frustrations.]

Sid: He can't do this!

Tony: Are you sure? If we talked to him--

Sid: He's a psycho!

Tony: [calmly] Right.

Sid: Chris is our friend! You know it's our funeral.

Tony: [calmly] Don't take it so personally; he's just throwing his weight around.

Jal: I've been thinking about what Chris would have wanted me to say today. The advice he'd give me, which'd be something like, "Know what, babe? Fuck it. These guys know all about me. Tell them about someone else." So I thought I'd tell you about a hero of Chris's: a man called Captain Joe Kittinger. In 1960, climbing into a foil balloon, Captain Joe ascended 32 kilometres into the stratosphere. And then, armed only with a parachute, he jumped out. He fell for four minutes and thirty-six seconds, reaching seven hundred and forty miles per hour before opening his parachute five kilometres above the Earth. It had never been done before, and it's never been done since. He did it just because he could. And that's why Chris loved him; because the thing about Chris was, he said yes. He said yes to everything. He loved everyone. And he was the bravest boy— man—I knew. And that was—he flung himself out of a foil balloon every day. Because he could. Because he was. And that's why—and that's why we loved him.

Sid: The three of us. Together again. And we've all seen each other naked. [Michelle laughs a bit then looks disgusted] Which is... nice.

Sketch: [About Anwar's two E's and a U grades] What grades did you need?

[Anwar looks at her as if she's stupid]

Sketch: Have you ever played the five-year test?

Anwar: What? No, I don't think so. It's not that wanking game, is it?

Sketch: [chuckling at that last remark] Maxxie. Where do you think he'll be in five years time?

Anwar: Easy. Dancing in a London show.

Sketch: Jal?

Anwar: Playing the clarinet in some really good orchestra.

Sketch: Michelle?

Anwar: Working some slick jobs in some fine suits.

Sketch: Now you? Where do you see yourself in five years?

[Anwar is silent]

Sketch: You haven't thought about it, have you?

Sid: Where are we going, Tone?

Tony: Oh... yeah. [hands Sid an envelope]

Sid: What's this?

Tony: Open it.

[Sid opens the envelope to find his passport and a plane ticket]

Sid: New York? Why would I want to go to New York?

Tony: She's thin. She's blonde. She says [spacey] "wow!" a lot.

Sid: It's over Tone. Me and Cassie are done, you said so yourself.

Tony: I always loved you the best, Sid.

Series 3

Everyone [3.1]

[At the Fitches' house. Katie is taking a shower. Her identical twin sister, Katie, bangs on the bathroom door]

Emily: Get the fuck out of there, bitch! Mum! Mum!

Jenna: Who?

Emily: It's me! Emily. Tell her to get out of the shower, she's making me late for college.

[Katie gets out of the shower]

Jenna: Gotta dash! Remember to pack lunch for James!

Emily: No! Why don't you get Katie to...?

Jenna: Good luck at college! Remember to smile. [Leaves]

[Emily gets in the shower, but there is no hot water]

Emily: You've used all the fucking water! Jesus. Shit.

[Emily gets out and catches her younger brother James spying through the keyhole]

Emily: Oh, fuck's sake! [kicks James] Pervy little bastard!

James: Ow! Mum!

Emily: She's gone to work, loser. [to Katie] How many times are you going to do that? I need to wash my hair and you...

Katie: I knew this top would look fucking bad-arse.

Emily: It's mine.

Katie: Yeah. Aren't you glad I made you buy it? Get dressed though. We're going to be late. [continues getting dressed] I don't know where you got this thong, but it's properly cutting me in half.

Emily: You could always give it back.

Katie: Sorry. You know it doesn't look as good on you.

[In the corridor at Roundview college]

Katie: Oh no, here it comes. Total lezzer bitch.

Naomi: Excuse me.

Katie: [to Effy] Yeah, like, don't talk to her. She tried to snog my sister at middle school. Pervy, don't you think, Eff?

Naomi: [from behind] Watch out, Katie. I might get confused and fuck you with my great big strap-on by mistake. [enters classroom]

Katie: Muff-munching bitch. [to Emily] Just jumped on you, didn't she?

Emily: Leave it, Katie.

Katie: Whatever.

[The new characters introduce themselves]

Kieran: We've gotta stand up, say our names and a unique fact about ourselves. Right, I'll start. Christ. Uh, I'm Kieran and I hate being a fucking teacher. You.

JJ: I'm JJ. With regard to mathematic aptitude I'm in the top 0.3% of the population which is an interesting demographic statistic because paradoxically my communication interpersonal and intuitive skills are towards the lower quartiles.

Kieran: Yeah, you've stopped me in my fucking tracks there. Yeah, you.

Katie: I'm Katie. I've never not had a boyfriend since I was seven.

Kieran: Congratulations. You.

Emily: I'm Emily. Never had a boyfriend.

Kieran: Shit happens. You.

Naomi: I'm Naomi. I hate injustice. People tell lies about me.

Effy: I'm Effy and I think my mum's having an affair.

Kieran: Good one. Shows enterprise. What about you, big man?

Freddie: I'm Freddie. I met a girl I liked today. She's like beautiful. That's it.

[Effy and Pandora see how Emily looks at her sister]

Effy: [to herself, understanding] You hate her.

Pandora: Who do I hate?

Effy: [beat] I'll let you know.

Cook [3.2]

Cook: LET'S GO FUCKING MENTAL!!

Cook: Want to know a secret?

Naomi: What?

Cook: I know the cure.

Naomi: Cure for what?

Cook: [whispers] It's my cock.

Thomas [3.3]

[Thomas has just prevented two children from attacking a shopkeeper]

Thomas: What is this "paki" they call you... is it bad?

Shopkeeper: I'm from Delhi... and I hate Pakis!

[Thomas runs into Emily]

Thomas: Which are you?

Emily: Gay... I mean Emily!

Pandora [3.4]

Pandora: [running off] Come on! We can do brownies and then lick our bowls out.

Katie: Do you think she knows she sounds filthy half the time?

Effy: Sometimes I wonder.

Mrs. Moon: Effy! We meet at last!

Effy: Yes.

Mrs. Moon: Pandora's told me so much about you.

Pandora: You know, Eff, your missionary work.

Effy: Yes, I try to do as much of that as I can.

Mrs. Moon: That's good. There're so many bad things in life: boys, and drugs, guns, alcohol...boys. Evil things. I'm glad Pandora's found a channel she can pool her energy into.

Effy: Well, yes, all the seamen like her.

Mrs. Moon: [beat, stops smiling] Seamen?

Effy: Yes, loads of seamen. Some of them are homeless as well. We'd all love to see Pandora get her own missionary position.

Mrs. Moon: [uncertain] Right...Sounds lovely.

Mrs. Moon: Bet you like playing monster in the dark.

Effy: Looking forward to it.

Naomi: [irritatingly] Yes? Can I help you with something?

Martin: This is a quiet cul-de-sac and you are disgraceful young women.

Naomi: Yeah? So go fuck yourself, tosser.

[Cook and JJ are on the roof of Pandora's house. Cook seems to be keen on engaging in voyeuristic tendencies and is pressuring JJ into helping him.]

JJ: Cook! This is a fantasy and I have to tell you, a poorly constructed one. Just because I have a natural facility on a climbing wall--

Cook: Get in there! Come on, we need to see them doing it.

JJ: [protestingly] For the last time, they are not going to be doing it. They will not be naked and they will not be engaged in mutual masturbation.

[The girls are changing into their pyjamas. Cook is peeping through the window.]

Naomi: Come on Eff, pyjamas.

Effy: [reluctantly] Whatever.

[Effy walks over to the window to change. Cook is looking through the window. Effy spots Cook and allows him to look at her naked.]

[JJ is about to lose his grip and Cook is too focused on Effy to even care about JJ.]

JJ: [anxiously] I can't hang on. I'm going to slip. [scared] COOK! COOK! COOK! COOK!

[JJ and Cook fall all the way down.]

[Cook and Effy are making love to one another in the closet. They end up falling into another room.]

Effy: [groaning] What the fuck?

[Cook and Effy get up and explore the room they've fallen into.]

Cook: What's going on? Are we... Are we next door?

Effy: We're next door.

[Effy and Cook happen to stumble across a sex tape featuring Pandora's mom and her neighbour, Martin.]

Martin: Hello. I'm Martin. [sits down on the bed] This is Angela.

[Angela, Pandora's mom, sits down on the bed.]

Angela: Hi.

Martin: [takes off his glasses] And this is how we have sex.

[Martin puts his glasses on one side, Angela tosses her shoes to one side, and the two begin to engage in intercourse.]

Martin: Oh. That's lovely, Angela.

Angela: Thank you, Martin.

Martin: Can you rub any harder?

Angela: Certainly.

[Cook is beyond amused, whereas Effy is shocked and speechless.]

Naomi: So what do you want Ems? Pinot Grigio or... cider oblivion?

Emily: Anything, just give me a fucking... just give me a...

[They kiss]

Naomi: Oh. It's only the drugs, right?

[They kiss again]

Emily: You liked that. [Naomi nods]

Naomi: You're gay.

Emily: Yes.

[JJ has witnessed the entire scene]

JJ: Oh my giddy, giddy, giddy... aunt.

Effy: Any good?

Pandora: I dunno what you mean.

Effy: I mean he's a sensational fuck, yeah.

Pandora: There's a whamma lot of things you don't know about me, Eff. Just because I'm useless don't mean that I'm nothing.

Effy: We're friends because you don't surf and turf my men. You said that.

Pandora: He's not yours, Eff. He never belonged to anyone.

Effy: Shut up.

Pandora: That's why you don't really want him.

Effy: Shut up!

Pandora: He's not the one you want, Eff! See, I know that because I'm your friend but you don't make enough effort, Eff! I'm just there to laugh at. You don't know me. My life, my family, my mum. Why don't you know anything about my mum? I know everything about yours.

Effy: ...You're right. I don't know anything about your mum.

Pandora: Sorry, okay.

Effy: Yeah. [pause] Oh Jesus.

Pandora: What?

Effy: Be careful what you wish for, Pandora.

Pandora: Why?

Thomas: Panda! Panda! [Pandora turns around] Panda! Panda, look I'm here. Panda, it's me. Are you not glad to see me? Mother said I could come back. What's wrong?

Effy: Don't be a twat, Thomas, give your girlfriend a hug.

[Thomas does so as Effy walks away]

Pandora: [crying] I missed you, I missed you too much.

Freddie [3.5]

Effy: I wanted to see what was in your shed.

Freddie: My...?

Effy: Shed. Everyone says you have a marvellous shed.

Freddie: Everyone?

Effy: Yeah, it's marvelled at.

[They enter the shed]

Freddie: So this is it.

Effy: So what do you and the boys do in here? Braid each others hair and play soggy biscuit?

Freddie: No. [beat] Not for ages.

Cook: You coming, Eff? You soon will be.

Effy: I'd sooner fuck JJ.

JJ: I know that isn't intended as a compliment, but...I'm going to take it as one anyway.

Cook: You didn't get it. I said, "Are you coming, Eff? You soon will be."

Effy: I got it. Freddie and JJ got it. That termite over there got it. But you're not going to get it. Got it?

Cook: Now I'm confused.

Effy: I'm not going anywhere near your Crayola dick. I know where it's been.

[Karen is sulking after losing her competition. Cook has arrived, celebrating her loss]

Cook: Bad luck, Karen. In the competition, like. But you know, what goes around, comes around. How much did you lose by again? 15 votes? Well, that's funny. 'Cos... That's about how many people were in Keith's pub tonight.

Freddie: [catching his drift] You voted against her?

Cook: [smugly] Not just me. Everyone in there. JJ even.

JJ: Cook, don't...

Karen: [indignant] You fucking did what!?

Cook: You took my shed, I took your competition. Fair's fair.

Karen: You little shit, you ugly little bastard!!! [attacks him]

[During a fairly uninspiring English lesson]

Naomi: Hamlet's basically a teenage boy. He's got all these desires, but he doesn't have the bottle to reach out for them. So, he goes mad, and wanks off about Ophelia, and ends up so boring, somebody has to kill him!

Josie: I'm not sure that's right. There's no wanking in Hamlet.

Naomi: Yeah, there is. Loads. Only they call it "soliloquising".

Freddie: We'd be good together. Don't you think?

Effy: No.

Freddie: Why?

Effy: Because I'll break your heart.

Freddie: Maybe I'll break yours.

Effy: Nobody breaks my heart. And anyway, why would I want that?

Anthea: You may as well take them, they'll only end up in cunting Oxfam!

Jim: [Shouting] Don't you dare use "cunt" and "Oxfam" in the same sentence!

Naomi [3.6]

Cook: Come on, Naomikins. You want it, I want it. Let's get together and feel alright.

Naomi: You couldn't make me "alright" if you stapled your tongue to my clit and stood in a cement mixer.

Emily: I can just see it now, in lights, "Naomi, get to know me".

Naomi: I thought it was quite catchy.

Emily: Yeah, well so's AIDS.

[Emily and Naomi stand by a lake. Emily starts to take her shirt off.]

Naomi: I didn't bring a swimming costume.

Emily: Neither did I. [when Naomi makes no move to undress] Sun won't shine forever.

Naomi: Someone might be looking!

Emily: Honey, your body ain't that special.

[Emily asking Naomi not to leave after the night at the lake]

Emily: I know you Naomi, I know you’re lonely. I think you need someone to want you. Well, I do want you, so be brave and want me back.

Emily: I'm not gonna open the door. My face is all puffy. I've been crying a bit.

Naomi: I don't care. [sits on the doorstep]

[Emily sits on the other side of the door]

Naomi: I do... want someone, need someone. You were right.

Emily: And?

Naomi: And when I'm with you, I feel like I'm a better person. I feel happier, less... alone. Less lonely.

[Emily puts her hand through the cat flap to hold Naomi's]

Naomi: But it's not as simple as that is it? Being with someone?

Emily: Isn't it?

Naomi: No...I mean, I don't know...I mean I don't think so. Can't we just sit like this, for a bit?

Emily: Yeah, we can... for a bit.

JJ [3.7]

Effy: Come on, JJ. Don't be pathetic, it's easy. Just tell me something true. Tell me. Tell me now.

JJ: I love you.

Effy: [smiling] Well everybody loves me.

JJ: That's a relief.

JJ: Just care, okay?

Cook: About what?

JJ: [losing his temper] About me! About me, you twat! You're all fucking twats!

[JJ accidentally walks in on a semi-naked Effy. They both scream]

Effy: JJ!? What-the-fuck!? What the fuck!?

JJ: [gabbling] Sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry...

Effy: Give me my t-shirt, fucking hopeless perv.

JJ: [fumbling for her t-shirt] I'm sorry, I...I... The door was open. I...

Effy: JJ!

JJ: I...I... I got worried.

Effy: [taking her shirt and slipping it on] About what?

JJ: I... I dunno, I mean, I thought I might've... I dunno, okay. [angrily] I was pissed at the two of you.

Effy: Two of who?

JJ: I heard what you were saying! I want you to stop doing that -

Effy: [enquiringly] JJ? What the fuck?

JJ: You and Cook.

Effy: [confused] I haven't seen him for days.

JJ: Yeah? Well don't... Don't diss me while you're having sexual intercourse, because... Because you might think it's funny, but I... [realising what she said] Sorry!? [In horror, as he realises Cook was having sex with someone else] Uh oh. [Effy approaches] Uh oh!

Effy: JJ, are you gonna give me some fucked up hint what you're talking about?

JJ: I... I... I usually drink mango juice when I get overstressed!

[JJ, Karen and Emily have walked on Freddy having sex with Katie]

Karen: Now, does everybody know each other?

Freddie: Ah, that's just great. Thanks a lot, Karen.

Emily: For Christ's sake, Katie, what're you doing?

Katie: [Sarcastically] I'm doing the Great fucking Northern Run! What does it look like I'm doing!?

Freddie: Guys, could we please just—

Emily: Katie, why didn't you tell me?

Katie: Oh, I'm sorry, maybe my postal application hasn't reached you yet. Now, do you mind? We're sort of in the middle of something.

JJ: [stammering] Oh, but that's not right! You want Eff, and she's not—

Katie: [interrupting] It's a free country, JJ. Hey, maybe my weirdo sister's up for it.

JJ: No, that's ridiculous, Emily's gay. Anyway, I wanted to talk to you, Freds, but we can do this another time...

[Stops when he notices Katie's stunned reaction and Emily's dismay, and realises he has accidentally outed Emily]

JJ: Uh oh...

Katie: [Aghast] That's not true! Is it, Ems? Because you promised me that wasn't true. [Emily leaves on the verge of tears]

[JJ, Freddie and Thomas checking on Cook after he has taken JJ's psychiatric medication]

Cook: Top pills, man. I knew you'd come for me, Three Musketeers.

Freddie: [to Cook] Yeah. Fuck off, Cook.

Cook: Freddie, she loves you, you know.

Freddie: [Aghast] What?

Cook: She loves you. But she can't stand it. Can't stand the love, so she fucks me instead.

Freddie: What's he saying?

JJ: [Anxious and stammering] Oh my god... What?

Freddie: [sternly] What?

JJ: [Anxious and stammering] Shit! I think you're gonna get the truth, Freds.

Freddie: [sternly] Cook?

Cook: I'm pissed off, yeah? She's taking the piss and it's hurting me. Cos Cook needs the love too. Cookie's got nothing.

[Thomas enters the scene to check on JJ, Freddie, and Cook]

Thomas: [Concerned] Everything all right, guys?

Cook: Cookie's always got nothing. That's why I do her pal. That's why I pop Panda. Panda's popped. It's always the same, great tits Panda, great tits Effy. That's all I get cos I'm shit. I'm pure shit.

[Thomas gets angry upon hearing Cook's confession and is about to attack Cook]

Freddie: [to Thomas] Whoa! Thomas! [Freddie restrains Thomas] Back off! No, okay, mate? No!

Thomas: [Calmly] He does not deserve friends.

Cook: [in a state of stupor] Yeah.

Thomas: [Angrily] He's a cunt!

[Thomas walks away]

Thomas: [Angrily] Move! Move!

[JJ and Freddie after checking on Cook]

Freddie: [to JJ] You've had a busy day, haven't you, J?

JJ: [Apologetic] I'm sorry. I got locked on. [emotionally] You all pissed me off! [Enquiringly] Does this mean I can't come to the shed anymore?

Freddie: [to JJ] Course not, you can still come to the shed. [Freddie hugs JJ] Just give me some space, okay? I need time to think.

Effy [3.8]

Anthea: Love, she's gone.

Cook: Ok, what time's she back?

Anthea: Not till tomorrow. They've gone to some party at Gobbler's End.

Cook: Nah, because... we're supposed to hang out tonight!

Anthea: Is that before you broke up or after?

Cook: But... I bought a fucking gâteau! Black Forest!

Anthea: Ooh, my favourite. [Takes cake and shuts the door]

Pandora: Relationships just can't stay the same, can they? Can't always be lovely and lush and not full of weird silences all the time. People can't always be perfect, 'cause that's not real, is it? It's not real 'cause things change. Don't they?

Freddie: What is your fucking problem?

Cook: [to Freddie] What do you want, my fucking blood? Cos' you've fucking taken everything else! You've taken fucking JJ, and now you're nicking her as well! [Freddie looks confused] She hasn't told you has she? Fuck me! I'm so glad I didn't miss this!

Katie: What's going on?

Cook: Effy doesn't want me anymore, do you princess?

Effy: No.

Cook: You're all such whizzer chums, aren't you? Ain't that right, Eff? Ain't that right, Panda? Panda's been worried lately Eff, says you dont't see each other as much as you used to. That right, Panda, yeah? I said to her, "Cupcake, maybe if you didn't spend as much time with my cock in your mouth..."—

Pandora: Shut up, shut up, shut up! [grabs Thomas' arm] Thomas, let's go.

Thomas: Stop. It's fine. I know.

Effy: Wait. It was one time, right? Your party? [desperately] It was only once, right?! [Pandora cries] I need to sit down.

Cook: [to Thomas] Umm... sorry slugger. I don't think you heard. Me fucked your girlfriend, like, multiple times.

Thomas: What do you want me to say?

Cook: I don't want you to say anything. Hit me. C'mon, c'mon, hit me!

Thomas: You're just a sad little boy. [turns away]

Pandora: Thomas, please. I stopped it. I love you. Just give me a chance—

Thomas: [yelling] No! I have given you chances and you have not taken them! Time and time again you have lied to me! It's too late now. [quieter] I fell in love with this girl... she was good, she was honest and doughnuts... Now she's gone, and this new one... I don't like her... she makes my heart hurt.[leaves]

Effy: Hit me.

Fredie: What?

Effy: Just once. I wanna feel something.

[Freddie's silent, Effy's yelling] Hit me! [mumbling] I dare you!

Katie and Emily [3.9]

Katie: Ruined my fucking top.

Emily: I sat your exam for you! You could've at least backed me up!

Katie: I did back you up! I just spent an hour trying to convince mum you made it all up.

Emily: Well, that's fucking great.

Katie: Because you have!

Emily: What?

Katie: You just conjured up this thing with Naomi because, I don't know, maybe you're jealous of me.

Emily: Jealous?

Katie: Yeah, jealous, because I get more boys than you, I look better in clothes than you and I'm more popular than you.

Emily: Fuck off!

Katie: Yeah, I think so, you can't stand it, sad. So can you please stop now before you hurt anybody?

Emily: Fuck off!

Katie: You're not gay, you're just stupid...

Emily: Yeah, I'm stupid. I'm stupid because I don't let anyone fuck me when they're in love with somebody else.

Katie: What?

Emily: You let Freddie use you and look where it's got you. That's a normal relationship, isn't it? She fucked you up good, didn't she? Nobody hits me over the head with a rock! Loser!

[Katie goes to bed in silence]

Emily: Katie? Katie, look at me. It's still Emily.

[The language of twins]

Katie: Sham. [Sorry]

Emily: Huh?

Katie: Katie sham. [I'm sorry]

Emily: Why are you talking Twin? We don't do that anymore.

Katie: Emsy sham doo. [Say you're sorry too]

Emily: Emsy sham. [Sorry]

James Fitch: Gordon McPhearson says you call 'em dykes, 'cause you have to stick your finger in 'em.

James Fitch: [Walks in on Katie changing] Woah! You're naked, bitch!

Katie: [To Emily] Bumble mumble jimjams! [Kick the shit out of him!]

Katie: How, how did something like that just happen?

Emily: He wanted a rumble and so did I.

Katie: That's not a rumble! That's insanity spelled G-E-E-K! You're such a secretive little cow!

Emily: What the fuck?! Can't I sleep with someone now?

Katie: That's not someone, he's a mong.

Emily: Right, well, I felt like having sex with him. I don't have to ask you!

Katie: Yes you do!

Emily: What?!

Katie: You have to ask me! Katie say-go! Katie say-go! [You have to ask Katie!] Not gay; stupid!

Emily: What do you do when someone you love lets you down? Really fucks you over?

Thomas: You must try to stop loving them.

Emily: And is that possible?

Thomas: [Pause] No, I don't think so.

Emily: Katie, I can't stand this. I'm a person. I'm not you.

Katie: I know.

Emily: You have to understand Katie, I love you and I'll never really leave you but I can't fix this. I like girls. No, I like a girl. No, I love her. Okay? I love... her. [points at Naomi] Okay? [Naomi holds her hand out to Emily]

Katie: Okay.

[Emily takes Naomi's hand and they leave the dance]

[Outside]

Naomi: Some party.

Emily: Eventful.

Naomi: Yeah. [pause] I love you too.

Emily: I know.

Everyone [3.10]

Cook Senior: You're too pretty for your own good. That's why you destroy everything you touch.

Effy: Look who's talking.

Cook Senior: I'm Guns N' Roses, love. I got an appetite for destruction.

Effy: You're not his dad. Not really.

Cook Senior: And you're not his girlfriend, not really. You're gonna fucking snap that boy's heart in two.

Effy: And you've been doing it to him every day of his life.

Anthea Stonem: Are you Effy's friend?

JJ: I think so. Are you her mum?

Anthea: [nods] Can I sit? [sits down] JJ, right? The magician?

JJ: Oh, I used to do magic. Not anymore though.

Anthea: I used to be married, not anymore though.

[JJ draws a deck of cards from his pocket]

JJ: Pick a card, any card.

Anthea: I thought you gave up.

JJ: Some things are quite hard to let go of.

Anthea: Effy likes magic.

JJ: Are you sure?

Anthea: Well yeah, not the, you know, stupid abracadabra sort... I... I'm so sorry.

JJ: It's okay. I've come to terms with the facts.

Anthea: You know, she was four years old the first time she beat me at hide and seek. Four. I was looking for her for hours. When I finally found her she just smiled. You know, that Effy smile that means "you don't know me at all, you never will". See that's a kind of magic. She's so good at concealing things, hiding, avoiding.

JJ: Yeah.

Anthea: I do know her. And I know that she has got so much love in her heart. But the thought of letting it out, showing her cards, scares her to death. I never knew it would be possible to miss someone this much.

Cook: [Irritated] You fucking dick! You've lost my dad's boat, Effy... I've got fսck all now, you...

[JJ grabs Cook's hand]

JJ: This is the Wuxi finger hold. I learnt it in a book of a film.

Freddie: J, let's just leave it now...

[JJ grabs Freddie's hand]

JJ: I'm pretty sure if I apply the correct pressure, your eyes pop out.

Freddie: [in disbelief] J, my eyes aren't going to pop out.

JJ: Do you really want to take that chance?

[Cook, Freddie, and Effy start giggling]

JJ: Now let's get down to it. No more evasion. No more "Oooh, I'm so fit and mysterious". Now Freddie: he's in love with you, aren't you Freddie? Aren't you Freddie? [Freddie nods] Cook: he loves you, yes? [Cook looks down] And just for the record, I love you too. And I won the race. So: three boys, one girl. It's an insoluble equation, unless you choose and we can finally get back to our lives.

Freddie: It's all your fault, you made this happen. You made it all a game first, remember that stupid fucking list?

Effy: I know.

Freddie: "You know?" What sort of fucking answer's that?

Effy: The only one I've got.

Freddie: [to Effy, Cook and JJ] So... what do we do now? [Closing line]

Series 4

Thomas [4.1]

Kosoke Tomone: Who is that?

Pandora: Um, hello Kosoke.

Kosoke Tomone: [to Thomas] You know my rules.

Pandora: It was too late to get home. We're not gonna, you know, do anything.

Kosoke Tomone: Like what?

Pandora: You know...having sex. We're not gonna have sex. We won't do that.

Kosoke Tomone: No?

Pandora: Yeah, I mean, uh, well, we have done stuff, um, possibly, possibly, not those, or, well, maybe you could say those.

Thomas: Okay, maybe you should stop talking now.

Pandora: Tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help me God. [under her breath] Bloody Hell.

Kosoke Tomone: Someone tell me please where to find a virgin in this country.

Pandora: [long silence] Uh, well, it's difficult.

Thomas: Is that the answer for everything? To go and get pissed?

Pandora: No, Häagen-Dazs is the answer for everything.

Andrea: Everybody! Jesus says shut up. So, we were just about to sing a song, weren't we? So what shall we sing?

Kid 1: Rihanna!

Kid 2: Lady Gaga!

Kid 3: Béyonce!

Andrea: Those are all people who can't really sing, don't wear very many clothes, and get married far too young. What do we call those sorts of people?

Kids: Americans!

[Thomas' mother is scolding him. He finds it difficult to conceal his rage]

Mother: What do you know about bringing children up? I have given everything to you, all my life. And now you want to tell me what to do? You have no respect! If your father was here, he would beat you—

Thomas: [snaps] My father is dead! And he's of no use to us! [His mother's eyes widen in shock, and he storms out]

[Thomas catches Cook flushing drugs down the toilet and suspects that he's hiding something]

Thomas: What are you doing, Cook?

Cook: [irritated] What is this? The dump police?

Thomas: [approaching Cook] I'm thinking somebody gave that girl drugs.

Cook: [to Thomas] Yep. So?

Thomas: [to Cook] It was you. I'll tell them.

Thomas: [annoyed and irritated] Yeah? Fuck you, Thomas. Tell them what you want, mate. Never met the girl.

[Cook walks away and pushes Thomas aside]

Thomas: [enquiringly] How's your girlfriend, Cook?

Cook: [to Thomas] I don't have a girlfriend, Thomas. How's yours? Still got that dirty little walt on her ass?

[Thomas gets provoked and gets into a physical fight with Cook]

Cook: [to Thomas, while fighting] Come on then Thomas, come on at me! Fucking never finished have we?

[Freddie walks into the bathroom and the two stop fighting with each other]

Freddie: Cook!

[Cook and Thomas stare intensely at each other]

Freddie: [to Cook] Cops called your name, mate.

[Cook walks out of the bathroom. As soon as Cook leaves, Freddie gives Thomas a disapproving look.]

[Thomas gets expelled because of his perceived involvement in Sophia's death]

David Blood: Involvement in a girl's death brings the college into disrepute. [smugly] And for that reason, I am going to expel you.

[Thomas attempts to reconcile with Pandora, but she has been advised by Effy to not take him back.]

Thomas: Can I come in?

Pandora: [angrily] No, you fucker.

Thomas: [enquiringly] Pandora... We started again before. Can we do it now?

Pandora: [glumly] I don't think so. You don't trust me before anything more, Thomas. And that fucks it.

Thomas: [protestingly] But I love you, Pandora.

Pandora: I know you do, Thomas. [shuts the door on Thomas]

[Pandora takes a deep breath and walks towards the living room of her house]

Pandora: [to Effy] I told him that like you said.

Effy: Okay. [offers a pop tart to Effy] Eat a pop tart.

Effy: Well done. He needs to think about what he did.

Emily [4.2]

Emily: You told Graham I was straight?

Jenna Fitch: Well, he's known you since you were a little girl!

Emily: He's gay as a window!

Jenna Fitch: He's an adult, he's earned the right to be gay. You're too young to know what you are.

Emily: I know, mum.

Jenna Fitch: You think you know. Is there any specific reason why you've been crying? Maybe Naomi?

Emily: No, we're fine.

Jenna Fitch: You should go travelling to find yourself. Wouldn't she just get in the way?

Emily: She's my fucking girlfriend! You've got nothing to do with this.

Jenna Fitch: All right. All right. Wouldn't you like to set out on an adventure?

Emily: No!!! Get used to it!

Jenna Fitch: So what if I was to give you a thousand pounds, would that change things?

Emily: What? Now you're bribing me!

Jenna Fitch: Oh, Emily, your mind! I'm just trying to help you! Naomi's not right for you. And there's something about her, something I don't quite like, I'm just telling you.

Emily: Shove it up your tits. [leaves]

Effy: How was your summer?

Freddie: Not bad. Got chlamydia.

Effy: Wow! Exotic!

Freddie: That's what I said. But then I realised Cook had it as well, and it didn't feel quite so special.

Effy: I bet it liked you more.

Naomi: [Sophia] she stalked me!

Emily: You're very stalkable.

Sophia: [voiceover, as Emily reads her comic] I can't stop crying. I've tried to stop thinking, but it doesn't work. You don't expect stuff to happen; you can't control it, you can't control anything. So I'm at this stupid open day and everyone's snotty and rude and then I see someone. [Sophia meets Naomi: "I recognise someone. I tap her shoulder; she turns and smiles"] I never even spoke to her at Roundview, but it didn't seem to matter because everything got really fun. [Naomi and Sophia on the train: "I had to tell a lie to come here."; "So did I."] And by the time we were on our way home, we were telling secrets, and I wanted to move my hand, I wanted to move it so much. [Sophia holds Naomi's hand] And then she moved hers. I wish I told Naomi how easy it is for me to love someone. We're all lonely and all we want is for someone to... [Naomi and Sophia at Naomi's house: "I feel trapped."; "I know what you mean."] you know, pay attention and tell us we're beautiful... and cute... and say that we want to... [Sophia cries over an animated panel of her and Naomi kissing; Emily finishes reading and cries].

Naomi: [crying] I'm sorry! I'm so sorry!

[Sophia's brother takes the comic from Emily and drops it from a high-rise building, and walks past Naomi angrily.]

Emily: You've ruined it. You don't want anyone to care. [Stands up and looks at the road below] I could be dead in a second. Everything's... so... fragile. Didn't you realise that? We were special. [Emily steps down from the ledge and walks past Naomi]

Naomi: I was scared!

Emily: You're always scared.

Cook [4.3]

[Cook is talking with his lawyer]

Cook: Not guilty.

Duncan: James, you did punch the fuck out of Shanky. In front of eighty-three witnesses.

Paddy: Will you go to prison?

Cook: I might.

Paddy: But if you say sorry won't they let you go?

Cook: I'm not sorry.

Paddy: Why?

Cook: Never say sorry, kid.

Paddy: Why?

Cook: Cause you're not a pussy, are you?

Paddy: No.

Cook: We don't play their game, do we? We don't play anyone's game.

Paddy: Except for Rock Band. We can play that.

JJ: You know, love's thoroughly overrated, Panda. I've never even had a girlfriend, look how happy I am... in between minor psychological breakdowns. Sure, all the serotonin, and endorphins, and sex, et cetera, feel good, but really, love? An illusion. It can't last Nope.

[Cook gets expelled from college]

David Blood: Ah. Finally. The famous Mr Cook. Hi, Dave. Dave Blood. We have met before, in fact, but take my card. [puts his card into Cook's pocket] We should powwow.

Cook: What?

David Blood: I can see that this college has failed you, Mr Cook. And I am deeply sorry. But that is ten years of willy-nilly policy and red tape nonsensery for you. So unfortunately, since you’ve been implicated, as it were, by the law, you have been automatically… expelled. Expunged. Excommunicated. And I’m going to have to ask you to… scoot off.

Katie [4.4]

James: I hate KFC.

Katie: What?

James: Elliot Evans' parents got divorced, and his dad spent every night in KFC. Then he met this woman, she had a huge problem. So he tried to help her, and her friend got really angry, and he ended up with only one kneecap. And now, his mum's doing pornos, and his dad's a junkie, and he never sees them! Except on the internet, and then he has to pay for it. I mean, how unfair is that!?

[Emily's kissing another girl in front of Naomi]

Naomi: What the fuck are you doing, Emily? Emily, fucking stop this shit now!

[Emily pushes Naomi in the pool]

Emily: Naomi darling, am I making you nice and wet?

Naomi: Fuck you! [Gets up from the pool] This is a fucking pantomime!

[Emily gets up and pushes Naomi]

Emily: Fuck you right back!

Katie: Ems, stop it.

Emily: Stay out of this.

Naomi: What? Want to fuck her? Is that it?

Emily: Maybe I do. So what?

Jenna: That's enough! What's this all about?

Emily: It's none of your business.

Naomi: I fucked the dead girl. I fucked Sophia and gave her the drugs, and now she's punishing me for it.

Jenna: I knew you'd screw her up!

Rob: Hey! Good news everyone! I found us a caravan. What have I missed?

Emily: Why don't you all just fuck off? Look at you. Pretending to be happy families, pretending to love each other.

Jenna: Don't you dare speak to me like that!

Emily: Get off your high horse!

Jenna: I can't... I can't be here any more.

Emily: Bit melodramatic. Remind you of anyone?

[Katie slaps Emily]

James: Stop it.

Katie: Uhhh!

Rob: Come on son.

[Emily is crying]

Naomi: Em...

[Katie is bathing, when Thomas comes in to relieve himself, locking the door]

Katie: Oh...

Thomas: Merde! Sorry! [goes to unlock the door, but breaks the lock handle] Ah! Super merde! JJ! Emily! [knocks] JJ! I think they've all gone out.

Katie: Bollocks. You gonna stand there until they get back?

Thomas: Yes, yes, I'll get you a towel and... [sees the towel rack is empty] Putain!

[Katie trips Candy from behind; Candy gets up, pushes Katie]

Candy: Who the fuck do you think you are?

[Katie punches Candy in the nose; Candy falls to the ground again]

Katie: I'm Katie fucking Fitch! Who the fuck are you?

Katie: Why are you being nice to me?

Effy: Life's too short.

Katie: You’re such a fucking cliché.

Katie: So what's it like?

Effy: What's what like?

Katie: Love.

Effy: Great. It's really lovely.

Katie: That sounded convincing.

Effy: It's fine. Nothing's ever perfect, you know?

Katie: I thought it could be. I wanted the perfect boyfriend, perfect marriage, perfect everything.

Effy: What's changed?

Katie: Me. I don't know who I am any more.

Effy: I thought you were Katie fucking Fitch.

Freddie [4.5]

Freddie:You coming down?

Effy:I'm up. Way up. This is me happy.

T. Love: What would Michael say?

Freddie: Pardon?

T. Love: [motions to his Michael Jackson poster] Michael. What would he say?

Freddie: I'm... bad?

T. Love: Yes. And what else?

Freddie: Beat it?

T. Love: No. He'd say "gotta be startin' somethin'". Okay? [silence] Don't you think you should be leaving?

Freddie: Right now? [Mr. Love responds in the affirmative; Freddie leaves.]

Freddie: Okay. So what do you do when you can't take anyone's shit because I might really fuck things up and you don't know what to do or what's happening you just know that something really fucking bad is going down.

T. Love: Just... [turns to his Michael Jackson poster and stares at it for a while before turning back to Freddie] No. I think, and I'm not sure... I think you've got me there.

Freddie: I totally fucking love you. Nows the bit you say...

Effy: Don't move.

[Freddie lays down next to Effy and points at the clowds]

Freddie: That one's JJ.

Effy: Their faces... Behind the skin.

Freddie: The skin?

Effy: Between this world and the next. Their teeth and their claws comming out trying to break through.

Freddie: Did you drop something in the cab?

Effy: Like a fart or something?

Freddie: No, like a tab or something.

Effy: A tab with your face on it. Here. A hole that fits mine. The moment I saw you, I knew it'd be the closest I'd get to being... close. I didn't know what to do with that feeling... happiness.

Freddie: Listen, Effy, you are the closest I'm ever—

Effy: But they know now! And they're hungry. Really fucking hungry. Because for as long as I've known, they've been chasing me and now they're ready, now they're strong enough to break through. And I can't fight them. I used to be able to when I was strong but... you've made me weak. And now I can't, I can't!

[Effy looks to the left in panic]

Freddie: Effy there's no one fucking there! Effy!

Effy: I can't! Let me go!

Freddie: Effy, listen. What do you want me to do?

Effy: They're ready now!

Freddie: Effy, stay here!

Effy: They're comming!

Freddie: I'll fight them! Is that going to stop you? I'll fucking fight them!

[Freddie runs to fight Effys mental ghosts]

Freddie: Fuck off! Fuck off! You cunts, I'll kill you all!

Effy [4.7]

Effy: You're no good for me, Cook. You never were.

Cook: If this was us meeting for the first time, I'd do it all again. Everything. The fucks, the fuck ups, everything. I'd do it all again.

Effy: What's that supposed to mean?

Cook: It means I still love you.

Effy: Piss off.

Naomi: Afternoon.

Effy: How's the real world?

Naomi: Fine... well, I don't know actually. Me and Emily, we're all... since... you know... the... and I don't know what we're doing... if we're OK, or if we're about to break up. Sometimes I think she can read my mind. I seriously do. I mean is that... normal? Is that what you... Eff?

Effy: You think you're going mad, so you came to see me to see what a mad person looks like.

Naomi: No. No! No! [beat] Yes.

Effy: Listen to me very carefully, Naomi: you need to get a message to the Dog Lord of Azerbaijan. He's got my toilet ticket.

[Effy and Naomi pause, and then burst out laughing]

Naomi: Oh, God, what are they giving you... and can I have some?

Effy: This whole thing with this girl, Sophia. Why don't you just imagine it never happened?

Naomi:But it did.

Effy: Yeah, but if you tried to think like you didn't...

Naomi: But, Am I missing something? You can't change what's already happened. I wish you could. But... you just can't.

Effy: What are you doing here?

Freddie: I want an explanation.

Effy: Freddie!

Freddie: Do you know what you've done to me? You're dumping me for no reason at all.

Effy: I have reasons.

Freddie: Well if the urge to tell me any of them occurs then please let me know. Or did John steal your soul as well as your past?

Anthea: Tea and biscuits?

Effy: Mum!

Freddie: The night before you dumped me you told me that you loved me.

Effy: I know.

Freddie: So look me in the eye and tell me you don't love me now.

[Freddie kisses Effy]

Effy: Don't do that! I went crazy when I was with you. I can't let that happen again. Love is not supposed to do that. You made me go mad.

Freddie: You making me mad now, Effy. And that's exactly what love's supposed to do.

Everyone [4.8]

[Cook kicks out Arcia, his one-night stand]

Cook: I never clocked that she looked like Eff, I swear.

Karen: For Christ's sakes, stop being a tit. Freddie...something's up.

Cook: Look, Karen. I've asked around. There's no sign of Fred's. He's legged it. That's all there is.

Karen: You owe him, Cook. When you ran off last year, who came looking for you?

Cook: That's only because I took his girl with me.

Karen: [hits Cook in the face] You stupid bastards!!! What is wrong with you all?

Cook: Fuck.

Karen: You find him! You fucking find my brother.

Cook: Karen, I'm sorry. I miss him too.

Karen: No, you don't. Nobody loves him like I do, not even that crazy bitch Effy. He's all I've got. God knows he's all you've got. [hands Cook a notebook] Read that and tell me there's nothing wrong. I'll give you a blowjob every day for a year, if that's all you care about. [walks away]

Cook: You've got me wrong, Karen.

Karen: Show me. [keeps walking away]

[Naomi is confronting Emily]

Naomi: [steadily breaking down in tears; Emily starts to cry as well] I loved you from the first time I saw you. I think I was 12. It took me 3 years to pluck up the courage to speak to you and I was so scared of the way I felt, you know, loving a girl. I learned how to become a sarcastic bitch just to make it feel normal. I screwed guys to make it go away but it didn't work. When we got together, it scared the shit out of me because you were the one person who could ruin my life. I pushed you away. I made you think things were your fault but really, I was just terrified of pain. I screwed that girl, Sophia, to kind of spite you for having that hold on me and I'm a total fucking coward because [reaches into her bag] I got [pulls out tickets] these, these tickets to Goa for us 3 months ago but I... I couldn't stand it. I didn't want to be a slave to the way I feel about you. Can you understand? You were trying to punish me back and it's horrible. It's so horrible because, really, I'd die for you. I love you. I love you so much it's killing me.

[Beat. Emily then kisses and hugs Naomi.]

[Cook has discovered John Foster has killed Freddie. Dramatic music plays]

Cook: I don't think you know what I am, mate.

John Foster: I think I do. You're nothing. [Cook nods sarcastically] You don't deserve that girl. And you know... I do.

Cook: [mockingly] I'm a fucking waste of space. I'm just a stupid kid. I got no sense. A criminal. I'm no fucking use, me. I am nothing. So, please... Please... Get it into, you know, into your bonce... that you killed my friend. And... [shrugs] I'm Cook. [John Foster smiles] I'M COOK! [throws a punch. Series ends]

Series 5

Franky [5.1]

[After Mini and her friends join Franky at lunch]

Mini: Haven't seen you around Bristol. How come you started so late?

Franky: I kind of, like, moved here.

Mini: From where?

Franky: Oxford.

Mini: Understandable. But why?

Franky: [standing up] Look, if you are going to start shit now, then please could you get it over with, because I've had enough grief before, and I...

Mini: [confused] "Start shit?"

Liv: What grief?

Grace: Before, like, Oxford, or past life before? Because I had a dream two Sundays ago that I was a slave actually working on a plantation and...

Mini and Liv: [in unison] Shut up, Grace.

[A hysterical Franky is in a secluded area. Matty approaches. She hears him, whirls around and takes aim with a revolver]

Franky: [Tearfully] Go! Go away, please. [He turns, but then walks over to her] I said "Go away"!

Matty: Is it real?

Franky: Do you want to find out!? It's a re-drilled replica. It shoots bullets, okay!?

Matty: [noticing the pictures behind her] Bullets for bitches?

Franky: What?

Matty: Is this how you have fun?

Franky: Can you just leave me alone?

[He casually approaches her, so the gun is right on his heart]

Matty: Go on, then.

Franky: I don't have to take this shit anymore.

Matty: No, you don't. Bang! [she is startled. He looks her up and down] You're beautiful.

Franky: No. No, I'm not. I'm... I'm a no-good shit magnet. I'm... I'm nothing.

Matty: So why do I see a... glorious fucking head-fuck thing?

[He turns and walks away]

Franky: Who are you? Don't...

Matty: See you around. Remember to aim straight for the heart, next time.

[He smiles at her and leaves]

Rich [5.2]

Alo: I'm never gonna get laid if you keep being such a douche to all the dames we meet.

Rich: That's because all the girls we meet are always assholes.

Alo: I don't care if they're one-legged, dead hermaphrodites. I need some sex!

Grace: Opposites attract.

Rich: That's magnets. We're people.

[Rich is sitting alone in a pub. Grace, dressed as a metalhead, comes to his table]

Grace: Shove up.

Rich: Sorry, someone's sitting here.

Grace: Oh yeah, who?

Rich: [looks up, notices Grace, and grins] You? Wha—

Grace: I'm Sub; short for Sub Rosa. Nice to meet you.

Rich: Hey, "Sub". I'm Rich.

[Grace and Rich drink their pints in one go]

Grace: So... what do you do for fun, Rich?

Rich: Uh... listen to music, go to gigs, hang out with my mate Alo. That's about it, really.

Grace: You don't have any other friends? Just this "Alo" guy?

Rich: Yeah, just him, really.

Grace: No-one else?

Rich: Well, recently, there's been a couple of other people... this girl, Franky, and... others.

Grace: Others?

Rich: Well, there's this girl who's been helping me, I suppose. Okay, what sort of music are you into, "Sub"?

Grace: Well, you know, industrial, mostly. Godflesh, early Scorn, TKK.

Rich: Nine Inch Nails?

Grace: Fuck off! Trent Reznor can suck my cock! [beat] This girl, then, who's helping you. What do you think of her?

Rich: Honestly?

Grace: Honestly.

Rich: She's alright, but she lets people walk all over her, and her friends treat her like shit and she doesn't say a word.

Grace: Maybe she knows her friends love her?

Rich: Maybe she's got no fucking self-respect.

Grace: You think you know me, Rich. No-one fucking knows me. Not you, not Mini, not Liv. No-one's got a fucking clue what I am or what I can do.

Mini [5.3]

Jemima: You've gained 57 grams.

Mini: Wait, um...

[Mini begins taking off accessories and gets back on scale]

Jemima: 32 grams.

[Mini keeps taking off clothes]

Jemima: Mini! It's not on. Let me impart a phrase that I apply to most situations in life: Good girls don't swallow.

Liv [5.4]

Liv: Keep it simple. No future, no names, no touching. This is not a hook-up. I’ve got interpersonal issues. And syphilis. And the reason I chose you is 'cos you’re little, and I do karate. This is, like, a one-day-only deal. And if I see you on the street tomorrow, I am going to blank you, so don’t get weepy about it.

Maude: You’re a crap shit.

Liv: Doesn’t sound right when you swear.

Maude: It doesn’t sound right when you try to be cool. You’re not cool. And I am swearing now, because you let me down. So deal with that, fuckteeth.

Nick [5.5]

Nick: This Friday, there are gonna be thirty men on that pitch. Fifteen of them are gonna be winners. Fifteen of them are gonna be bitches. Which do you wanna be?

Team: Winners!

Nick: Damn right! Because this is a team of winners. And we're not gonna allow ourselves to fail. Because failure's a... giant bitch with sharp claws. We're gonna gang rape failure, we're gonna hold it down and we're gonna-

Coach Pooter: Nick, Nick. I think you've taken that metaphor far enough.

[Leon is talking to one of his clients, Warren, who is on the verge of suicide. Leon gives him heaps of bad advice.]

Leon: Now put down the pills, grow a pair and stand up for yourself. Suicide is for quitters, Warren. Listen to your life coach. Peace out.

[Matty moves back into the Levan household. It's clearly evident that there is a lot of dysfunction in the Levan household.]

Matty: What's this?

Leon: It's a set of rules. A contract.

Matty: [sarcastically] It's.. [turns page] comprehensive.

Leon: I'm not taking any chances this time, Matthew.

Matty: [reading the pages] No girls in the bedroom. [enquiringly] I shall not use my father's sporting equipment?

Leon: Yeah, that last one especially. Not having you go batshit on us again. [to Nick] Right, Nick?

Nick: [reluctantly] Right.

Matty: [reading the pages] I will complete my education. [puts down the pages] I was thinking of getting a job, actually. Something that lets me do my music.

Leon: Drug music? Where's the money in that?

Matty: There isn't. That's why I need a job.

Leon: You'll finish your education, that's what you'll do.

Matty: [Enquiringly] Don't I get a choice?

Leon: Oh, yes, Matthew, you've got a choice. You can stay here, obey my rules and behave. [angrily] OR YOU CAN FUCK OFF! [calmly] How does that sound?

[Nick steps in to defuse the tension]

Nick: [cheerfully] It sounds good to me! The Levan boys, back together! Cheers, guys.

[David Blood asks about Mrs. Levan, the absent, estranged mother of Matty and Nick.]

David Blood: And what of Mrs. Levan? Is she as committed to this new direction?

Leon: [sardonically and calmly] Mrs. Levan isn't committed to anything. Her family in particular as well, you know.

[It is strongly implied that her absence from the Levan household is the reason why her husband, Leon, is so rude and abusive to his sons.]

Leon: Just you remember. Every move you make. Every step you take. I'll be watching you.

Matty: Isn't that the Police?

Alo: So you were homeless?

Matty: More on the move.

Grace: It must have been really hard.

Matty: Nah. After the first few blow jobs, you get used to the taste, and then it's pretty lucrative, really.

Nick: Isn't this wicked? the Bloods and the Cripples together at last. You get me?

Grace: What's he talking about?

Rich: Nick's suggesting that we're a bunch of cripples, and that he and Mini are similar to a black, violent L.A. street gang.

Coach Pooter: You're gonna run away, is that it?

Nick: I'm not running away!

Coach Pooter: Yes, you are. It's all very well. Seeing an injustice, Nick, that's the easy part. What you do next is the hard part. It defines a man.

Nick: I can't be happy in that house, coach!

Coach Pooter: You wanna be happy? That it, ja?

Nick: Yeah!

Coach Pooter: [picking up a picture of Nelson Mandela] Do you know who this is?

Nick: Yeah, of course, but...

Coach Pooter: He's a happy man. Yeah? Respected. Everybody loves Madiba. He's fair, and peaceful, and friendly. But when he was your age, he was a right angry fucker. Furious, ja? He blew things up, fought and fought and fought against the shit he came up against. He never ran away. They had to lock the bastard away, to try to stop him. And even then, he fought.

Nick: I don't know what you're saying.

Coach Pooter: I'm saying I thought you were stronger than someone who runs, Nick.

[Matty and Nick are arguing on the rugby pitch]

Nick: [to Matty] Everything's so fucking easy for you, isn't it? I've worked my arse off, I've done everything I'm supposed to do, and you just... you walk back in like nothing happened and fuck up my life AGAIN!

Matty: [confidently, to Nick] I'm not the one fucking you up, Nick!

Leon: I gave that bastard more time, care and attention than any fսckеr in his life, and they want to question me? Give me shit? All I try and do is help and I get blamed when things go wrong. Blame culture. That's what's wrong with this country.

[Nick is depressed and wants to talk about his feelings with his father. His father is having none of it.]

Nick: I've had a bad night.

Leon: You had a bad night because you chose to have one! Or is that my fault too, is it?

Nick: Dad, I need --

Leon: For fսck's sake, Nick! [quietly] Grow up.

[Leon walks out]

[Nick has had enough of his tyrannical, controlling father.]

Leon: You were supposed to be keeping an eye on him.

Nick: Shut up.

Leon: [in disbelief] What?

[Matty is confused and is surprised by Nick's words]

Nick: I did it.

Leon: [scoffs] Don't believe you.

Nick: I don't care what you believe.

Leon: [sighs] I see. [stands upright] You're standing up for yourself. Is that it? He's got to you. See, I know you Nick and you wouldn't have done shit if it wasn't for--

Nick: [interrupting] No! I wouldn't have done shit if it wasn't for you. None of this would have happened if you'd just... [pause] Fuck! [pause] Stop being a cunt.

[Matty walks over]

Leon: [surprised and dismayed] So, what, you... you're ganging up on me now, are you?

Nick: Yeah. Yes, we are.

[Leon walks away in defeat.]

Alo [5.6]

Alo: I know they're being shitty, but I can't just wreck the farm. It's all they've got. And I... you know.

Matty: No, what?

Alo: I love them, and stuff.

Rich: Haha, you're gay for your parents.

[Rich is laughing to himself]

Alo: Has Hannah Montana died or something?

Grace [5.7]

[Blood rejects Grace's request to have friends over]

Grace: Why? Because education is war?

Blood: Education is war. Against inefficiency, ignorance, idleness, and chewing gum.

Mini: Franky, uh, you haven't really told us whether you're a... you know. Or a...

Franky: What?

Liv: A lesbian.

Grace: Liv! That's so-

Franky: No. It's okay. I don't mind. And the answer is... No. I'm not anything.

Mini: So you're bisexual?

Franky: No. I'm into... people.

[David Blood decides to send Grace back to her old school.]

David Blood: Your drop-off point.

Grace: [hesitatingly] Dad, I can explain.

David Blood: There's no need. I think our little experiment may be over. It's time you returned to Mayberry's College For Young Ladies.

Grace: [protests] No! You can't send me back there! It's in the middle of nowhere, and everyone's horrible and smells of horses!

David Blood: This place is bad for you. These friends I see you with, they distract you from your studies.

Grace: [tearing up] But you don't know Rich or my friends! And I get As for everything! [shouting] EVERYTHING!

[Rich is beyond surprised when he finds out that his girlfriend, Grace, is the headmaster's daughter.]

Rich: David bloody Blood!

Grace: Shh. He doesn't want people to know!

Rich: Why not?

Grace: He thinks it will compromise his position if people know he has a daughter in college. He made me promise.

[David Blood tries to intimidate Rich into leaving Grace forever. He does this by illegally obtaining his father's employment records.]

David Blood: Your father's employment record, including the results of his last appraisal. It's not, as you can see, glowing.

Rich: [Enquiringly] How did you get this?

David Blood: [Smugly] That's unimportant. I can tell from that information that your life, just like your father's, will add up to very little. Very little indeed.

Rich: So what?

David Blood: I can make things easier for you. I can make them easier for your father. I know people. And I will not be a principal forever.

Rich: What are you talking about?

David Blood: These drama examinations are externally moderated. I cannot influence the result, but if someone who I am told is very good on stage were, say, to perform very badly on purpose...

Rich: You want Grace to fail her examination? Why?

David Blood: Because, Richard, she is too good for you.

Blood: I'm doing this because I love you. I just want better for you.

Grace: No, David. You just want a different daughter.

Grace: You're very sweet. But this can't happen, Rich. There's nothing we can do, it's over.

Rich: Oh, whilt thou leave me so unsatisfied?

Grace: Tell me. Tell me what to do. What's left to do?

Rich: The exchange of thy love's faithful vow for mine. What do people in Shakespeare do when it's all fucked, when they're trapped? How do they work it all out? Maybe stories are just stories. Or maybe... we can make our life a story. So marry me, Grace Violet Blood.

[Grace and Rich kiss]

Grace: Oh, wonder. How many goodly creatures are there here. How beauteous mankind is. Oh, brave new world. That has such people in it.

Everyone [5.8]

Rich: I look like...

Alo: Justin Bieber.

Rich: Take that back!

Alo: OK, OK... you look like a man who's just made the ultimate sacrifice for love! Right. Uhhh... (gasps) Rain check- rings!

Rich: (irritated) You should know- best man.

Alo: Oh, yeah! (fishes the rings out of his pocket) Uhhh- suits are all sorted.

Rich: Dare I ask how?

Alo: (chuckling) Da and Dowie used to be a Beatles crupie band together! I fished 'em out, you know, all the-

Rich: I'm gonna ignore that.

Alo: Matty and Nick are taking care of... (Matty and Nick rush past them with a shopping cart of stolen alcohol, pursued by security guards)

Matty: Catering's sorted, boss!

Nick: (laughing at Rich's new haircut) Oh my gay, it's Justin Bieber!

Alo: (in response to Nick's continual requests for pills) No, I do not have any pharma- fucking- ceuticals, Nicholas!

Nick: [With his leg caught in a trap] Save yourself! Leave me to the bears.

Alo: We're in Somerset, Nick.

Nick: To the fucking squirrels then!

Alo: [To Nick] You're not a loser. You're a bit of a prick. But peel away that prick, and there's a good man in there.

Franky: You know, when I was six, the teacher asked me to think of something beautiful. I said 9/11. Saw it on the T.V. in this care home with the sound on mute. The teacher told me how many people had died, and all the other kids in the class cried. And I knew then that I was... wrong.

Season 6

Everyone [6.1]

Alo (to Mini): I fucked your brains out.

[Matty and Franky get into an argument. It's clear at this point that their relationship is not healthy.]

Franky: [turns over to Matty] Screw you, you mindfuck!

Rich [6.2]

Grace: I had to go.

Rich: Yeah, why?

Grace: You know why, Rich.

Rich: No… Come back.

Grace: I can’t… Isn’t everything beautiful this morning? Everything is so beautiful.

Rich: I don’t understand.

Grace: I love you, Rich.

Alo: Zurich? Like, in space?

Rich: It's in Switzerland.

Alo: She's only been awake five minutes and he takes her skiing? That is mental!

Rich: She's at a clinic, you subnormal twat.

[Rich sees David Blood, an imposing figure, curled up like a ball and sitting in sadness on the steps of his house. His only child has died.]

David Blood: You fucked my house up, I see.

Rich: [Gently] Sorry. [Inquisitively] Where's Grace gone?

David Blood: [Long silence] I'm very sad to say... [Long silence] Actually, she died yesterday afternoon.

Rich: [In shock] I just spoke to her. I speak to her all the time.

David Blood: [Sadly] Me too. [Tearing up] What else is there to do?

Rich: [In shock] She never woke up, did she, from the accident?

David Blood: [Tearing up] That's why we went to Switzerland. To see if they could wake her up. I just wanted to try it, you know?

Rich: [In shock] So all this time, she was...?

David Blood: They said there was nobody left inside. I thought, what would she think of me for turning off the stupid machine thing? [Sadly] What would she think?

Rich: [to David Blood] She'd have thought you're her dad, and that's what you're supposed to do.

[David Blood starts crying. Rich walks towards David Blood and sits right next to him.]

Rich: [In a state of sadness] She loved me. And I...

David Blood: [In a state of sadness] Yes. That's why I'm here.

[Rich puts him arm around David Blood's shoulder and the two finally reconcile their differences. After this, David Blood is never seen again.]

Alex [6.3]

Everything is random.

Franky [6.4]

Franky: Because I don't belong there anymore. Because everything I touch turns to shit.

Luke: Fuck everything, fuck everyone, yeah, except me.

Luke: Fancy fucking off somewhere?

Luke: She died? Fuck...

Franky: Yeah, that's what I just said.

Luke: She was nice.

Franky: She was awesome. I keep seeing the crash over and over.

Luke: You got to let shit go, Franky.

Franky: Yeah, but it won't let me go. And I'm fucking sick of it. I just feel like...

Luke: ... exploding.

Luke: Don't walk away from me, Franky. Don't you dare fucking walk away from me. From me! Fuck... Fuck!

Matty: Franky? Franky, say something, please. I'm sorry I haven't phoned, but things are so fucked here. I'm lonely and scared and I can't trust anyone and can't come back and I really fucking miss you... Franky! Fucking say something!

Franky: You ran. You left us, you left me and you left her. And now she's dead.

Matty: It wasn't my fault!

Franky: Well, whose was it then?

Matty: If you hadn't start flirting with that fucking psycho...

Franky: Prick...

Franky: Crap... Hey!

Nick: Hey!

Franky: You're okay?

Nick: Yeah. You? Oh, no! Hey, hey, hey, it's alright!

Franky: I am so sorry, Nick. He'd just been crazy.

Nick: Right. It's cool. It's okay.

Nick: (Accidentally their heads collide.) Ah... shit!

Franky: I am sorry, I was just gonna...

Nick: (At the same time.) I thought you're gonna...

Franky: Mates, then? Cause, I could really do with one. One like you. See you around, okay?

Nick: What are you doing to me, Franky?

Jeff (to Franky): You are hope. You see? That's what you are. And don't you ever be any less because of anyone or anything in this world, okay?

Luke: You gonna make me?

Franky: Maybe... (They're kissing.)

Franky: I have to go.

Luke: No, you don't.

Franky: Yes, I do. I've got to go revise before college.

Luke: Fuck college.

Franky: I want to, but... I've fucked up one exam already.

Luke: Pussy.

Luke: What does that mean? What could you mean?

Franky: Well, just so you know, I'm not gonna be one, okay?

Luke: Okay... I brought you here, cause you make my brain calm, my heart jump and my prick hard.

Franky: What?

Franky: Luke?

Luke: Fuck me. You took your time.

Franky: Like, you've been waiting.

Luke: Ah, but I have, Franks. For too long... Well... uhm, ready to finish what we've started?

Franky: Uhm... I've got to go.

Franky: Why are you talking to me anyway?

Franky: Today, please.

Nick: Yeah. Why am I?

Nick: Because I think I love you, dick head.

Counsellor: Who do you need it to be?

Franky: Gra... Stop it.

Counsellor: What'd you need to say?

Franky: Stop it. Stop it...

Counsellor: Let it out. Just let it out.

Franky: I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm fucking sorry!

Luke: We're going, yeah? What would you like me to say? I love you. You get me. My yin to your yang.

Franky: Goodbye.

Jeff: Franky, come on. Let's go.

Franky: Can you just fuck off and leave me alone, please?

Mini [6.5]

Mini: Are you fucking kidding me?

Alo: Eric let me in.

Mini: So you thought you'd just look through my stuff?

Alo: Shit, I'm sorry. [gets off bed] Hey. [Mini doesn't respond, and just stares sullenly at him] Can you turn off Megabitch for a second please? I want proper Mini.

Mini: [beginning to smile] Well, seeing as you're here, you might as well earn your keep.

Alo: No, no, no, Mini, Mini, Mini. Look, that's not why I came round, all right? I want to talk to you. [Mini smiles and takes her dress off. Alo picks her up and flips her over onto her back] I'm sorry I freaked you out the other night.

Mini: You were fucked.

Alo: I wasn't that fucked.

Mini: [pushes Alo off the bed] You can't just come over here and start bitching about feelings like a little pussy. If you're not here to fuck me, go home.

Eric: [knocks on door] I'm coming in...

Mini: What? Get out, Eric, you paedo!

Eric: [covering his eyes] I...I don't think that Alo should be staying over, if that's what you were thinking. [lowers hand to look at Alo] No offence, mate.

Mini: Are you having a fucking schizophrenic episode or something?

Eric: I'm trying to do the right thing. You're a young girl. Your mum wouldn't like it.

Mini: He's staying over. In here. With me. And we are going to fuck so loud that it drowns out the noise of you fucking my mother. [shoves Eric out of the door]

Eric: [through door] And your tea's ready.

Mini: [Alo pats the bed suggestively] You're sleeping on the floor.

Alo: [looking through a scrapbook, laughing] What's the one where Liv looks like a condom?

Mini: Is Grace dressed as Cinderella?

Alo: Yes.

Mini: Hallowe'en, Year 10. Liv went as a condom.

[both of them laugh]

Alo: And the one where Grace is holding a massive crab?

Mini: Newquay, summer before college.

Alo: She looks happy. [Mini rolls over to face him] Mini, I miss her too.

Teacher: Can I help you?

Rich: Yeah, sorry I'm late. I'm in this class.

Teacher: I don't recall you being here before.

Rich: No, well, I've been away for a bit. Erm, like, on holiday.

Teacher: Oh my God! Of course! You're the boy whose...of course! Oh, you brave boy. [hugs Rich] You poor, poor soldier of love. [kisses Rich's cheek] Oh!

Franky: You still haven't told her. Who have you told, Mini? Have you told anyone?

Mini: I haven't told myself.

Mini: Are you going to keep giving me the silent treatment? I just waded through a sea of shit for you.

Alo: Great. Thanks. I just...you know, I'd quite like for you not to be here right now.

Mini: I'm telling you I'm sorry.

Alo: And I'm telling you it doesn't matter.

Mini: I thought it was working. We...we agreed...

Alo: I'm done, Mins. It's too much. It's too fucking exhausting loving you.

Mini: But Alo, I...

Alo: Say it. [Mini stares at him] I don't think you know how to love anything.

Nick [6.6]

Nick: Don't push me, Franky, I swear...

Franky: ...I said, why didn't you fucking tell me?

Nick: Oh you care now, do you?

Franky: I care about you, Nick!

Nick: No, you don't! You don't give a fuck about anyone. You're a headfuck, Franky! You haven't spoken to him in months. He's your fucking boyfriend!

Franky: He's a fuck. He is a selfish, messed up pussy! And you let him fuck you, again!

Nick: I have to...

Franky: And you always will.

Nick: Yeah. Yeah, I will.

Franky: Then what the fuck are you doing here with me, Nick?

Franky: Oh, that's right, just run away!

Nick: I wish I fucking could! But I can’t. ‘Cause you’re in here. And here. And part of me would give anything for you to just disappear, just be fucking.. gone. There’s a tiny part. The rest of me… the rest of me would take even this, even this shit feeling right now, over any other feeling about any other girl. Because compared to this, I haven’t felt a single fucking thing in my life.

Franky: Shut up.

Nick: I love you Franky. I do.

Nick: You don't want me do you?

Franky: No.

Nick: You're lying.

Franky: Fuck you!

Nick: So what now?

Franky: Maybe we just enjoy it.

Nick: Sounds good ... sounds perfect.

Alo [6.7]

[Alo has just climbed through Mini's window]

Mini: Oh for fuck's sake, Farmboy, what are you playing at?

Alo: Okay, okay, okay. With a little hindsight, the whole breaking and entering does feel a bit excessive but to be fair, I did knock and you didn't answer which is kind of rude considering you're actually home.

Mini: Maybe because I didn't want to speak to a child molester!

Alo: It was an accident!

Mini: What, you slipped, fell and molested a pre-teen girl?

Alo: Don't say that.

Mini: I mean, congratulations, you've finally found someone with the same mental age as you. But seriously, Alo, what is wrong with you?

Alo: You're what's wrong with me! I'm not just some lame Michael Cera. You can't treat me like a bitch and expect me not to fall in love with you. It's not fair, Mini.

Mini: Who said I was in love with you?

Alo: Don't. Don't do that. Don't revert back to that Mean Girls McGuinness bullshit, okay? I hate that girl. I want you. I know you, Mini. I know you're afraid, you're of being alone, but guess what? I'm not your dad.

Mini: It's not that easy.

Alo: How? How is it not that easy? I don't see what can be easier than just you and me. What are you so afraid of? What...what is it?

Mini: I want you to go, Alo.

Alo: No.

Mini: Leave now. Get out. Get out of my room. Get out, get out of my room.

Alo: Okay, okay, I'll go. [Mini opens the door and Alo steps outside but pushes back in before she shuts him out] I love you, and I know you love me too. And when you're ready to admit that, you come and find me, because I'll be fucking waiting. However long it takes. [Alo leaves]

[Mini cries, sitting down on her bed. Franky falls out of the wardrobe]

Franky: You have to tell him.

Liv [6.8]

Doug: I was thinking about Grace this morning. She came into my head.

Liv: Oh.

Doug: It was funny. It was like she was helping me remember this thought. Once, I danced to help a girl get through an exam.

Liv: You danced?

Doug: Disco-stylee. It was what she needed. What do you need, Liv?

Liv: I want to tell someone I have a lump on my front. It's getting bigger, and it hurts. I'm terrified.

Doug: The nurse will look at it, and it will be nothing.

Liv: Can you guarantee that?

Doug: I wish adults could make more promises.

Doug: [to Liv] I hope you like everything.

Franky: You know, it's not my fault you're jealous. Because Matty and Nick chose me.

Liv: Like I said, nobody calls you out. Nobody can say it.

Franky: What? About what?

Liv: That Grace... wouldn't be dead. If you hadn't been fucking over Matty and every other boy you get your hands on.

[Franky slaps Liv]

Liv: ... Better out than in.

Liv: [To Rich] Gracie told me she made you cum so hard once, you got spunk on her lightbulb... Something's wrong.

[Liv, after throwing Rich's books on the floor]

Liv: What are you doing?

Rich: I'm trying to pass my exams.

Liv: That's not right. How come you just get to sit here? How come you're okay?

Rich: [Hesitantly] I couldn't explain it to you-

Liv: I don't want to hear it! Why is it me that has to care? You were her boyfriend. She loved you. What the fuck are you doing in here? ... Why aren't you in the fucking loony bin? She can't do history revision, can she? She is history.

Liv: My friend died. Grace died... [crying] I don't want to die.

Mini and Franky [6.9]

Everyone [6.10]

Rich: We did it, Alo. We got there. We lost our virginities, fell in love and actually had a pretty damn good time.

Alo: That we did.

Rich: That we did.

Rich: Bye.

External links

Wikipedia

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Skins (TV series)

Skins quotes at the Internet Movie Database