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The IT Crowd

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The IT Crowd (2006–2013) is a British comedy written by Graham Linehan. The comedy follows Jen, Moss, and Roy and their work in the IT department, based in the basement of Reynholm Industries.

Series 1

[edit]

Yesterday's Jam [1.1]

[edit]
Denholm Reynholm: Standard nerds!
Roy Trenneman: [picking up the phone] Hello, IT. Have you tried turning it off and on again? Uh... okay, well, the button on the side, is it glowing? Yeah, you need to turn it on... uh, the button turns it on... yeah, you do know how a button works don't you? No, not on clothes.
Maurice Moss: [picking up the phone] Hello, IT...Yaha... Have you tried forcing an unexpected reboot?
Roy: No, no there you go, no there you go. I just heard it come on... no, no, that's the music you heard when it come on... no, that's the music you hear when... I'm sorry, are you from the past?
Moss: See the driver hooks a function by patching the system call table, so it's not safe to unload it unless another thread's about to jump in there and do its stuff, and you don't want to end up in the middle of invalid memory! [chuckle] Hello?
Roy: Oh really? Then why don't you come down and make me then. Huh, what you think I'm afraid of you? I'm not afraid of you. You can come down here any time and I'll be waiting for you! [slams down phone] I told her!
Moss: You had a job?
Roy: [coyly] Girl on 5th.
Moss: Did you hit it off?
Roy: Define 'hit it off'.
Moss: Did she continue talking to you after you'd fixed her computer?
Roy: No. And while I was working, she rested a cup on my back.
Moss: No!
Roy: Yep! (shows a cup mark on his back) I mean, they have no respect for us up there! No respect whatsoever! We're all just drudgeons to them!
Moss: Yes! If there were such a thing as a drudgeon, that is what we'd be to them.
Roy: It's like they're pally-wally with us when there's a problem with their printer, but once it's fixed—
Moss: They just toss us away like yesterday's jam.
Roy: Yes! Yesterday's jam. That is what we are to them! Actually, that doesn't work as a thing, because, you know, jam lasts for ages. Hello IT. Have you tried turning it off and on again?

(Moss and Roy are discussing Jen Barber)

Moss: Did you notice how she didn't even get excited when she saw this original ZX81?
Roy: Yeah, that was weird. It's almost as if she doesn't know anything about computers.
Moss: What?! (Drops mug)
Roy: What're you doing?!
Moss: Oh, don't worry. That's why I always make two cups of tea. (Picks up another mug) Anyway, what were we talking about?
Roy: Her not knowing anything about computers.
Moss: WHAT?! (drops mug)

(Jen has calmed down and walked out a woman who was beating Roy with a shoe)

Moss: Chairman Wow! You just defused that entire situation!
Jen: What situation? (Sees Roy on the floor) Oh, yeah that. Wow, does that happen often?
Moss: They're fairly regular, the beatings, yes. I'd say we're on a bi-weekly beating.
Roy: Oh, it's not that bad.
Moss: Come on, it's pretty bad.

Calamity Jen [1.2]

[edit]
TV Advert Narrator: [Voicing an Emergency Services advert] Has this ever happened to you? [The old woman on the advert twists her ankle and falls down stairs, gets up and falls down second flight of stairs before picking up her phone and trying to dial 999] From today, dialing 999 won't get you the Emergency Services, and that's not the only thing that's changing! [upbeat music starts, followed by close-ups and shots of new emergency vehicles and team] Nicer ambulances, faster response times and better-looking drivers mean they're not just the Emergency Services, they're your Emergency Services. So, remember the new number! :[upbeat voice singing to jingle] 0118 999 881 999 119 725! [short pause] 3! That's [number is repeated in similar style whilst the old woman dials the number and waits]
Old Woman: Hello? I've had a bit of a tumble.
Moss: [watching the ad] Well that's easy to remember. [singing in a similar style to the advert] 0118 999 881 999 119 725! [short pause] 3.
Roy: [listening to Moss, speaking with his mouth full] I don't see how they couldn't just keep it as it was. How hard is it to remember 911?
Moss: You mean 999—
Roy: Yes, yes, I mean 999! Yeah, I know.
Moss: That's the American one, you berk!
Moss: [holding a fire extingusher that is on fire] I'll put this over here, with the rest, of the fire.
Moss: [dialing] 0115... no... 0118... no... 0118 999 [hums the rest of the numbers] 3. Hello? Is this the emergency services? Then which country am I speaking to? Hello? Hello? [pauses for thought] I know... [sits down in front of the computer] Subject: Fire. "Dear Sir\Madam, I am writing to inform you of a fire which has broken out at the premises of..." No, that's too formal. [repeatedly presses backspace] "Dear Sir\Madam. Fire! Exclamation mark. Fire! Exclamation mark. Help me! Exclamation mark. 123 Clarendon Road. Looking forward to hearing from you. All the best, Maurice Moss."

Fifty Fifty [1.3]

[edit]
Roy: How do you know about this site?
Moss: Oh, I'm a member.
Roy: Really? You do the whole Lonely Hearts thing?
Moss: I'm a 32 year old IT-man who works in a basement. Yes, I do the whole Lonely Hearts thing!
Roy: Shut up, do what I tell you, I'm not interested; these are just some of the things you'll be hearing if you answer this ad. I'm an idiot and I don't care about anyone but myself. P.S. No dogs!
Moss: That's good.
Roy: What's yours?
Moss: Mine doesn't look any good now.
Roy: Go on.
Moss: I'm going to murder you... You bloody woman!
Roy: Might want to play a bit hard to get.

The Red Door [1.4]

[edit]
Roy: [singing] We don't need no education.
Moss: Yes you do. You've just used a double negative.
Moss: You've got to help Roy! [Sees Richmond and points at him] Richmond's out of his room, he's not in his room, he's supposed to be in his room, why is he out of his room?
Jen: Well, he's going to come out and play with us for a while.
Moss: But, the rainforest, and...
Jen: What's wrong with you, Moss?
Moss: Roy's stuck underneath a lady's desk.
Jen: [laughs] What, still?
Moss: Look, I know that normally this would be very funny, but he's been under there too long for a reasonable explanation! If that woman looks down, she's going to assume he's a desk-rabbit!
Jen: What's a desk-rabbit?
Moss: I just made that up! But that's probably what they're gonna start to call people like Roy. But Roy's not a desk-rabbit, he's my best friend, and unless you do something, it's just going to be you, me, and Tim Burton over there! [he points at Richmond, who looks offended.]

The Haunting of Bill Crouse [1.5]

[edit]
Roy: If anyone was ever rude to me, I used to carry their food around in my trousers.
Jen: Oh my God! Before you brought it to their table?
Roy: [sarcastically] No, after! Of course, before! Why would I do it after?
Roy: While he was eating, did you hear anyone laughing? Like... in the kitchen area?
Jen: Yes! Yes I did, actually, yes I did.
Roy: That'd be trouser food!

Aunt Irma Visits [1.6]

[edit]
[phone rings]
Roy: [picking up] Hello, IT, have you tried turning it off and on again?...have you tried sticking it up your arse? [hangs up] Ohh...yeah, yeah. I just realized that was my mother.
Jen: I've got Aunt Irma visiting.
Moss: Oh, do you not like Aunt Irma? I've got an aunt like that. [Roy and Moss look confused]
Jen: It's my term for my time of the month.
Roy: [understanding] Ohhhh.
Moss: What time of the month? The weekend?
Jen: No.
Moss: Does Aunt Irma visit on the weekend?
Roy: Moss!
Jen: You know, it's "high tide".
Moss: But we're not on the coast.
Roy: Moss!
Jen: I'm "closed for maintenance"!
Moss: Closed for maintenance?
Roy: Moss!
Jen: I've fallen to the communists!
Moss: Well, they do have some compelling arguments.
Roy: [frustrated] Carrie, Moss! First scene in Carrie!
Moss: [finally understanding] Oh. Okay. [walks out of the room; embarrassed.]
Jen: Okay. Moss, what did you have for breakfast this morning?
Moss: Smartie cereal.
Jen: Oh my God, I didn't even know Smarties made a cereal.
Moss: They don't. It's just Smarties in a bowl with milk.
Roy: I am a man, he's a man, we're men!
Jen: Okay, tell me how you're feeling.
Roy: [softly] I feel delicate... and annoyed, and... I think I'm ugly! [crying]
News Reporter: (on 'Aunt Irma' riots) The rioting has been going on all night. The men involved are young, angry, and almost all of them work with computers. In Tokyo, two games designers went on a rampage in a shopping centre and frightened a dog. In Hamburg, a group of software developers shouted at a bus.

Series 2

[edit]

Work Outing [2.1]

[edit]
[Jen, Roy, and Moss are looking at a poster for Gay: A Gay Musical]
Roy Trenneman: "A gay musical", called Gay. That's quite gay. "Gay musical?" Aren't all musicals gay? This must be, like, the gayest musical ever made.
Maurice Moss: It got some pretty good reviews. [Pan to "The Audience Applauded" - The Evening Informer; "More Than Tolerable" - The London Echo"; "Not As Long As Some Musicals" - The Banner.]
Jen Barber: [reads from the poster] "A story of a young man trying to find his sexuality in the uncaring Thatcher years. Warning: includes scenes of graphic homoeroticism."
Moss: Oh no! It's set in the 80s!
Roy: Graphic homoeroticism? [turning to Moss] Does that mean they're going to get them out?
Jen: You're not comfortable with your sexuality?
Roy: Oh, I'm very comfortable with my sexuality, I just don't want to be slapped in the face with their sexuality.
[Jen is standing in the lobby at the theatre. Three people in wheelchairs come in. Roy is one of them. He is being pushed by the Theatre Manager]
Theatre Manager: He's had quite an evening. Someone stole his wheelchair.
Jen: [shocked] Did you see who it was?
Roy: Red-bearded man.
Jen: Uh-huh... How long have you been disabled?
Roy: Ten years?
Jen: Ten years, and how did it happen? If that's not a rude question.
Roy: ...Acid.
Jen: What are the chances?
Roy: 100 to one.
Theatre Manager: What happened?
Roy: [meekly] I'm disabled.
Theatre Manager: How?
Roy: How what?
Theatre Manager: Yeah, how are you disabled?
Roy: Uhh, Leg disabled.
Theatre Manager: Do you have a wheelchair?
Roy:...Yes.
Theatre Manager: Well, where is it?
Roy:...Stolen.
Theatre Manager: How did they get in?
Roy: [breaks down] I don't know...
Jerome: [sees group of disabled men] What...? Oh, I get it. Very funny, you Irish! [laughs; mockingly] "Oh, I'm a bit tired. Can I have a wheelchair too?" Ha ha, HILARIOUS! "Oh, me legs don't work! Help, help! I need a wheelchair!" [goes over to a disable man; tries to pull him off] Come on, come on, get up. Come on, stop messing around! That a go. [tips wheelchair over; disable man falls off]

Return of the Golden Child [2.2]

[edit]
Denholm Reynholm: When I started Reynholm Industries, I had just two things in my possession: a dream and six million pounds. Today I have a business empire the like of which the world has never seen the like of which. I hope it doesn't sound arrogant when I say that I am the greatest man in the world!
Moss: Unbelievable! Some brainiac disabled his firewall, meaning all the computers on floor Seven are teeming with viruses, plus I've just had to walk all the way down the motherfudging stairs, because the lifts are broken again!
[Jen comes out of her office, visibly shocked.]
Jen: [stunned] Oh my God.
Roy: What?
Jen: Oh my God.
Roy: What is it?
Jen: Denholm's dead!
Moss: [suddenly remembering] Oh yes—and Denholm's dead!
Derek Pippen: [talking about Denholm's funeral] You do know we're burying a great man today!
Roy: [shocked] Did someone else die?
Jen: There's Denholm's wife...
Moss: I never know what to say to people at funerals.
Roy: Me too. I'm terrible.
Jen: Just say you're sorry and move on. [To Denholm's wife] He'll be in our prayers.
Roy: [to Denholm's wife] I'm sorry for your loss. Move on.
Moss: I'm sorry for your loss.
Mrs. Reynholm: Thank you.
Moss: It's not like you've lost a pen, is it? It's so much worse. Would you like a pen? I have a spare one.
Mrs. Reynholm: No thank you.
Moss: Please take it.
Mrs. Reynholm: Why are you giving it to me?
Moss: I don't know. [hands her the pen] Swings and roundabouts.
Douglas: Where is your God?! Where is your God now?! Here, lies a great man. A great man! FAAAAAATTHHHHEEEEEEERRRRR!!!!!
Douglas: Speak, priest!
Douglas: Quiet, woman!

Moss and the German [2.3]

[edit]
Narrator: You wouldn't steal a handbag. You wouldn't steal a car. You wouldn't steal a baby. You wouldn't shoot a policeman. And then steal his helmet. You wouldn't go to the toilet in his helmet. And then send it to the policeman's grieving widow. And then steal it again! Downloading films is stealing. If you do it, you will face the consequences. [FBI team member bursts in behind the girl downloading the film and shoots her; cut to a pool of blood on the keyboard]
Roy: [sitting with Moss in a dark room] Man, these anti-piracy ads are getting really mean.
Roy: Yeah, I don't like people.
Jen: Oh, well now that's not fair Roy. Have you met all of them?
Roy: I've met enough of them. People. What a bunch of bastards!
Jen: Oh, Jorg, Jorg, such fire! I am too tired for revolution…and we've walked four f*cking miles.

Dinner Party [2.4]

[edit]
Jen: If this evening is going to work in any way, you need to pretend to be normal people, yeah? Keep the conversation about things that would interest everybody. You know, nothing about memory, or RAM.
Moss: Memory is RAM!
Richmond: Have you got any absinthe?
Jen: No.
Richmond: I only drink absinthe.
Jen: Absinthe, no. Red wine, white wine, Carlsberg...
Richmond: Oh Carlsberg, perfect.
Roy: Peter, what's your email address?
Peter: Oh, it's filepeter@hotmail.com.
Roy: "filepeter"? Why "filepeter"?
Peter: Well, File is my second name.
Roy: Oh, right, I see. Peter File.
Moss: Who's a paedophile?
Roy: No no, his name is Peter File.
Moss: His name is paedophile?
Jen: [angry] Don't say it like that. It sounds like "paedophile."
Moss: Isn't that what he just said?
Jen': No, Peter File.
Moss: [enunciating] Paedo phile?
Jen: Peter File!
Richmond: Who's a paedophile?
Jen: No one is.
Moss: [finally understanding] Right. It just sounds like paedophile.
Jen: No, no, it doesn't!
Moss: Does a bit. Peter File.
Roy: Peter File... Yeah, no, it does.
[There are murmurings of agreement from the rest of the table as everyone starts pronouncing it themselves]
Peter: [exasperated] YES, I SUPPOSE IT DOES!
[silence]
Jen: I didn't noticed, so...
Peter: It doesn't bother you, does it?
Jen: No, of course it doesn't. [leans in for a kiss]
Moss: They say "pedophile" in America. Maybe you should move to America.
Jen: [shouting] He's not moving to America!

Smoke and Mirrors [2.5]

[edit]
John: I don't think that's true.
Jen: With all due respect John, I am the head of IT and I have it on good authority that if you type "Google" into Google, you can break the Internet. So please, no one try it, even for a joke. [the executives laugh] It's not a laughing matter. You can break the Internet.
Roy: Is this another one of your inventions?
Moss: Might be.
Roy: What was the last one? Oh yes. A ladder, to help moths escape from the bath. How is that useful?!
Moss: How is that not useful?
Roy: Moths don't get stuck in baths!
Moss: Yes. They. Do!
Roy: Even if that were true, it's just not in their nature to learn how to use a ladder! They have wings! When a moth thinks about travelling vertically upwards, a ladder is just the last thing they would think of! Moss, I don't like to be negative about it, but everything you invent is worthless!
Moss: Ah! Well, prepare to put mustard on those words, for you will soon be consuming them along with this slice of humble pie that comes direct from the oven of shame, set at gas mark "egg on your face"! [pause] I sort of forget what I was talking about.

Men Without Women [2.6]

[edit]
Douglas Reynholm: I like you, Jen. You don't ask questions. A lot of people would be confused as to why I invited them up here then asked them to leave, not you. A person's got to have a lot of backbone to allow herself to be ordered around like that. You've got spunk and balls, and I like that in a woman.
Douglas: Oh, not these idiots!
Jen: Mr Reynholm, the men in the IT department are my friends, they're not idiots. [Moss and Roy walk in without their trousers]

Series 3

[edit]

From Hell [3.1]

[edit]
Douglas Reynholm: I can't seem to get it open.
Roy Trenneman: You want me to open it. That's why you called me all the way up here, to open your laptop?
Douglas: I would be beholden to you.
Maurice Moss: Well, if someone called me a "big, ugly builder", I'd be furious - and not just because I'm actually an IT consultant. Revenge, that would be uppermost on my mind: "I'm going to wee on everything. I'm going to taint her abode. I'm going to strain my personal potatoes throughout her premises."
Douglas: Hell's horses!
Roy: [Acting as Moss's teenage bullies] Nice glasses!
Moss: Not as nice as your momma's glasses!
Moss: [Chasing teenage bullies around the park, with Douglas' grandfather's revolver] I got a gun! I got a ruddy gun! I got a ruddy gun! I got a flipping gun! I got a motherflipping gun! I got a mother flipping gun! [spins the gun in his hands as he goes back to the bench, sits down and places the gun next to him]

Are We Not Men? [3.2]

[edit]
[Repeated conversation]
Moss: Did you see that ludicrous display last night?
Postman: What was Wenger thinking sending Walcott on that early?
Moss: The thing about Arsenal is, they always try and walk it in!
Postman: Yeah it is true. See you later, Moss
Moss: Mind 'ow you go.
Moss: Just promise me we won't do anything else with them. I want to go back to being weird. I like being weird. Weird is all I've got. That and my sweet style.

Tramps Like Us [3.3]

[edit]
June: What does IT stand for?
Jen Barber: What does it stand for? What doesn't it stand for?
June: Yes, yes, but what does it stand for?
Jen: It stands for, it stands for commitment. It stands for audacity. It stands for courage in the face of-
June: Yes, yes I can see what you're getting at, but the specific letters "IT", what do they stand for?
Jen: What do you think they stand for?
June: No, no, perhaps I'm not making myself clear. I'm not looking for an interpretation, I really don't know what the letters actually stand for. So, let's start with the I. What does the I stand for?
Jen: I... need... to... [nervously laughs] wee wee.
Douglas: [being shocked by his anti-harrassment device while reading a magazine] But I'm not aroused, it's only cars! God damn these electric sex pants!
Douglas: You there, computer man. Fix my pants!
Moss: Beg your pardon?
Douglas: Pull down my trousers and do your job!
[Moss, highly concussed, is amusing himself with an anglepoise lamp. Phone rings]
Moss: Hello, Roy speaking.
Jen: [on phone] What? Moss? You're still concussed, you need to see the doctor.
Moss: Who is this? Roy? Wait, it couldn't be Roy, I'm Roy.
Jen: Look, what does IT mean?
Moss: What?
Jen: IT, what does I.T. mean? Someone's just asked me.
Moss: You don't know what it means?
Jen: No, I never thought to ask.
Moss: This must be Jen!
Jen: Yes—
Moss: Hello Jen!
Jen: Hello!
Moss: How may I help you?
Jen: Tell me, tell me what IT means.
Moss: Absolutely. [pause]
Jen: Well?
Moss: Very well, thank you. How are you?
Jen: Moss, please just stay with me, just for this simple question okay? What—
Moss: Jen, I'm just going to put you on speakerphone, all right?
Jen: No no no, don't hang up—
Moss: [hangs up] Jen, you are now on speakerphone. [pause] Jen? Hello Jen? [phone rings] Jen, can you bear with me one moment? I've got someone trying to get through in the other line. [picks up] Roy speaking.
Jen: You just hung up on me.
Moss: Jen, can you hold on one second? I've got Jen on the other line.
Jen: No! Don't—
Moss: [switches lines] Jen, can I call you back? I've just got Jen trying to get through on the other line. [switches lines] Jen, sorry about that. Phew! Chicken in a basket, it has been all ruddy go today! Now how may I help you?
Jen: What does IT mean?! You know, computers? Something to do with computers probably?
Moss: Computers? That's not really my area. Jen, I'd love to help you but, it's a real pain, I seem to have forgotten absolutely everything I know about computers.
Jen: How can you forget everything you know about computers, Moss?
Moss: Let me see, maybe it isn't everything. [thinks] No, it's definitely everything.
[Jen, having failed to get a coherent response from Moss, returns to June's office. When viewed through the window blinds, she appears to be bent over, but she straightens up as she enters.]
Jen: Ohh, that's better. [she sits down]
June: Good. Good. Now, where were we?
Jen: Oh God, I can't remember. I hate it when that happens. [she looks around] Wow. Is this a wooden desk? [she starts knocking]
June: Oh no, I remember. You were going to tell me what IT means.
Jen: Right. [she stops knocking; pleading] I don't know what it means, alright? I never thought to... it didn't really affect me as I'm too busy managing one man whose idea of an adult night out is Laser Quest followed by pornography, and another who collects wires. Have you heard Guided By Voices? They're a band.
June: No.
Jen: I have. I've heard everything they've ever done. They're good. I'm a bit of a fan now.
June: Isn't that good?
Jen: [sharply] I shouldn't even know who they are! [she turns away from June, then realizes something] They've turned me into one of them. I am one of them. [she turns back towards June] That's why you need me. I am your conduit. [she stands up] I am your bridge. ICH BIN EIN NERD!
June: [nervously] Welcome aboard.
[She and Jen shake hands]

The Speech [3.4]

[edit]
[Jen looks at a small black box, which has a small red LED light on the top. Moss stands next to her.]
Jen: What is it?
Moss: This, Jen, is the Internet.
Jen: What?
Moss: That's right.
Jen: This is the Internet? [Moss nods.] The whole Internet?
Moss: Yep. I asked for a loan of it, so that you could use it in your speech.
Jen: It's so small!
Moss: That's one of the surprising things about it.
Jen: Hang on, it doesn't have any wires or anything...
Moss: [rolling his eyes] It's wireless!
Jen: Oh, yes, everything's wireless these days, isn't it? So I can really use it in my speech? What if someone needs it?
Moss: Oh no, people will still be able to go online and everything; it'll still work.
Jen: Oh, good.
Moss: I tell you: you present this to the shareholders, and you'll get quite the response.
Jen: Can I touch it? [Moss nods; Jen picks the box up] Ooh, it's so light.
Moss: Of course it is, Jen! The internet doesn't weigh anything!
Jen: [laughing] No, no, of course it doesn't!
[Roy enters the room]
Roy: [agitated] Hey! What is Jen doing with the Internet?
Jen: Moss said I could use it for my speech.
Roy: Are you insane? What if she drops it?
Jen: I won't drop it, I'll look after it!
Roy: No. No, no, no, no, Jen. [He takes the box from Jen] No, this needs to go straight back to Big Ben.
Jen: Big Ben?
Moss: Yep. It goes on top of Big Ben. That's where you get the best reception.
Jen: I promise I won't let anything happen to it.
Roy: No, Jen, I'm sorry. [Jen becomes woeful] The Elders of the Internet would never stand for it.
Moss: Oh no, I spoke to the Elders of the Internet not one hour ago. I told them about Jen winning Employee of the Month, and they were so impressed, that they wanted to do whatever they could to help.
Jen: [suspiciously] Wait a minute, the "Elders of the Internet"!? [shocked] The Elders of the Internet know who I am!? You've got to let me have it!
Roy: No, Jen, I'm sorry, it's just too risky!
Jen: Oh, please, Roy!
Roy: [resignedly] Well, Moss, has it been completely demagnetised?
Moss: By Stephen Hawking himself. [to Jen] He sends his congratulations, by the way.
Roy: Well, if it's okay with the Hawk...
Jen: So, can I have it?
Roy: You can.
[Roy and Moss dramatically give the box to Jen, reminding her to pick her speech up and carry the box carefully. As soon as she leaves the room, Roy and Moss dance happily]
Douglas: April, these past few days have been like a dream. Usually, I can't wait to get away from a woman once I've ejaculated, but with you... I don't know, I feel alive. April, I love you.
April: What?
Douglas: That's right, I totally love the bloody arse off you.
April: Oh, Douglas! I love you too!
Douglas: Oh, poppet... to think when we met, you were so worried that you came from Iran.
April: ...what?
Douglas: When we met, as if I'd be worried about something like that! I don't care where you're from; Iran, France, doesn't bother me. I'm very modern
April: I'm not from Iran!
Douglas: Well, you said something along those lines.
April: No, not Iran, a man! I said I used to be a man!
Douglas: You used to be a man...?
April: Yes!
[Douglas grips April very tightly]
Douglas: OH GOD...
[During Jen's speech]
Shareholder: Is it heavy? [indicates the box]
Jen: [laughs] That's a bit of a silly question. The Internet doesn't weigh anything!
Indistinguishable shareholder: Fucking idiot!

Friendface [3.5]

[edit]
Moss: My mum's on Friendface! My mum! I've opened up another line of communication with her!
Roy: Isn't that a good thing?
Moss: She's listed her "current mood" as "sensual"!
Roy: Why didn't you just not accept her friend request?
Moss: What are you, an animal?
Roy: Oh no, it's all coming back to me now. She used to slap [make-up] on with a trowel.
Jen: [applying more lipstick] Why don't women have the confidence to know that less is more?
Roy: Then, when she started crying, it all ran down her face. It was like breaking up with the Joker.

Calendar Geeks [3.6]

[edit]
Jen: Why are you doing this?
Roy: Same reason I do everything, Jen: to have sex with a lady.

Series 4

[edit]

Jen the Fredo [4.1]

[edit]
[Moss talking about Mysterious Music]
Maurice Moss: Does this sound mysterious?
Jen Barber: Yeah, yeah it's quite mysterious.
Moss: I was hoping for "ruddy mysterious".
Jen: Mr Reynholm, I don't need to remind you of the report that denounced Reynholm Industries as an institutionally sexist organisation.
Douglas Reynholm: Now, you hold on a minute, sugar-tits!
Jen: [regarding a female character in a Dungeons and Dragons game] Look at those fun bags!

The Final Countdown [4.2]

[edit]
[Moss bursts into the office]
Moss: I did it! I did it! I've been accepted!
Roy Trenneman: [in disbelief] No!
Jen: What's going on?
Moss: I've been accepted! I applied, and they said yes!
Jen: Who said yes? What are you talking about? Moss... Moss, you're shaking!
[Smash cut to the set of Countdown, with Moss sitting behind a desk]
Moss: Consonant, please.
Moss: It actually already is a word, Tnetennba.
Jeff Stelling: Good Heavens really? Could you, erm, use it in a sentence for us?
Moss: Good morning, that's a nice Tnetennba.
Moss: I came here to drink milk and kick ass. And I've just finished my milk.
[The 8+ Club are playing Street Countdown]
Harold Tong, aka "Prime": Eighteen letters, I've never seen so many... he is the One.
Roy: [incredulously] What are you...
Prime: Shh! This is the longest word yet on Street Countdown! Unlike normal Countdown, you see—
Roy: I don't care.
[The 8+ Club finish an acapella version of the Countdown music]
Prime: Negative One?
Negative One: Twelve.
Moss: Sixteen.
Prime: Your word, Negative One.
Negative One: Enormousness.
Moss: I shall give my answer, if I may, in the form of a joke.
Prime: This is most irregular...
Moss: What do you call Negative One sitting alone in an empty room?
Prime: I don't know, what do you call Negative One sitting alone in an empty room?
Moss: Overnumerousness!
Prime: Gyles?
[Pan to Gyles Brandreth in a makeshift Dictionary Corner]
Gyles: Yes, that is a word! And the joke does make sense!

Something Happened [4.3]

[edit]
[Douglas is presenting an advert for "Spaceology"]
Douglas: Space: what is it? The simple answer is, we don't know. Or at least we didn't know until now. Hello, I'm Douglas Reynholm, and I'm not a scientist, but I do have a better understanding of what space is than any scientist living today. Where did I gain these insights? From this man, the founder of Spaceology. Beth Gaga Shaggy — no relation to Lady Gaga or Shaggy — is the founder of Spaceology, a religion, not a cult. In other words, when it comes to space, he's the man with his head screwed on tight. This is what he told me when I met him on holiday two weeks ago.
Beth Gaga Shaggy: Space is invisible mind dust, and stars are but wishes.
Douglas: I mean, think about that! That means every star you can see in the night sky is a wish that has come true. And they've come true because of something he calls Spacestar Ordering. Spacestar Ordering is based on the twin scientific principles of star maths and wishy thinking. If you'd like to know more, there are thousands of Spaceology centres all over the UK. If that doesn't convince you, well, then, maybe you just don't deserve to get what you want.
[Camera changes to Roy and Douglas watching the advert on Roy's computer]
Douglas: Wow. You're a genius, Ray! Love the special effects! How did you do that thing where I'm spinning around?
Roy: Well, in that bit, you're actually spinning around.
[Roy and Jen are at a Sweet Billy Pilgrim gig]
Roy: I'm going to go dance at the front.
Jen: Aren't you a bit old for the front?
Roy: I'm 32!
Teenager: Good for you, mate!

Italian for Beginners [4.4]

[edit]
Jen: [greeting the Italian guests] Viennetta... Fiat Punto.
Roy: There was a fire...at a Sea Parks?
Moss: [trapped inside of claw crane toy vending machine] These toys may smell of wee, come the morn.

Bad Boys [4.5]

[edit]
[Moss and Roy are walking down the street]
Moss: Oh my gosh!
[Moss runs forward and kneels down]
Moss: It's a robot!
[Camera zooms out to show a bomb disposal robot]
Moss: I've never seen one in the wild before. Where did you come from, fella, huh? Where 'd ya come from? Can we keep him, Roy? Only if he doesn't belong to anyone.
[Jen is asking Roy for help with her laptop]
Jen: Someone told me I need a browser on my computer. Could you install one, please?
Roy: You don't have a browser on your comput- [notices a chiming noise] What is - what is that sound? Is that coming from your laptop? It's not supposed to sound like... [goes round and sees that Jen's laptop is infested with malware] What the- what's all that crap!? [points to one] How long has that been - I haven't seen that one since the nineties! [goes to pick it up] Oh, Jen, I have to fix this.
Jen: [grabbing it back] No, no, leave it. I have it how I like it.
Roy: "How you like it!?" No no no, Jen, it's infected. If this was a human being, I'd shoot it in the face.
[The computer controlling the bomb-disposal robot has crashed]
Moss: What kind of operating system does it use?
Police: Err... it's... Vista!
Moss: We're going to die!
Roy: [quickly] Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Police: What?
Roy: [quickly] Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Police: ...what?
Roy: [agitated] HAVE YOU TRIED...TURNING IT OFF, AND ON AGAIN?!
Jen: [shrieks, then turns to the Police] I just won 100 quid.
Roy: Balloons explode, Jen. They explode suddenly, and unexpectedly. They are filled with the capacity to give me a little fright, and I find that unbearable.

Reynholm v Reynholm [4.6]

[edit]
Moss: When I was eleven I broke the patio window and my mother sued me... She's always been a very aggressive litigator.
Douglas: Two hundred and twelve million quid? You can't be serious!
Solicitor: Oh, we're quite serious, Mr Reynholm.
Douglas: But that's enough to bring Reynholm Industries to its knees! Bloody blast, this is up my arse!
Solicitor: That is the amount, it is not up for negotiation.
Douglas: Balls from hell, you shit-twins!
Solicitor: Calm down, Mr. Reynholm.
Douglas: Bollocks to be telling me to calm down, my old chap. She wants 220 titty million quid and you tell me to calm down! You're fired.
Judge: Mr Reynholm, are you ready to start your cross-examination of Mrs. Reynholm?
Douglas: I am, your honour, but rest assured, it will a normal examination. I am not in any way cross. [To Victoria Reynholm] You are Victoria Reynholm, are you not?
Judge: Mr. Reynholm, we have already established that. Might I suggest that you try less to do an impression of a lawyer you once saw on television and make your case as simply as you possibly can.
Douglas: Wise words, my learned lud.
Douglas: Your name is Maurice Moss, is it not?
Moss: [Mumbles, nods frenetically]
Douglas: [In same tone as before] Your name is Maurice Moss, is it not?
Moss: [Nervously lifts a glass of water] Bit nervous, so, yeah, bit of water. [drinks the water, and spits it into his hand] Fizzy, it's very fizzy, it's fizzy, it's gone fizzy. [grabs the microphone and gets a shock] Yow! Come on! That's electric, there's electric in there, got a shock.
Douglas: [In same tone as before] Your name is Maurice Moss, is it not?
Moss: It is not. Sorry, yeah, sorry, um, my mother sued me.
Judge: Just relax, take your time and answer the questions as clearly as you can.
Moss: Thank you, my love.
Douglas: [In same tone as before] Your name is Maurice Moss, is it not?
Moss: [His chair collapses] The chair's faulty. [lifts the chair back up, but falls off it as he sits down]
Douglas: No further questions, my lord.

Series 2013

[edit]

The Internet is Coming [2013.1]

[edit]
Moss: [Jen enters room] Oh Jen, exciting news! I've just uploaded the second episode of my board games review show! Care to have a look.
Jen: [Looking displeased] That was fast. Seems like only yesterday, we had to sit through the last one.
Moss: [Incredulously] It was three months ago!
Moss: I thought you were going to give me a book recommendation or something.
Douglas [laughs] Book recommendation? I can't read!
Roy: [points at coffee] Look at that shit! Look at it! I can't - how am I supposed to drink - it looks like he milked a cow over it!
Roy: [Angrily] That fella shouldn't be allowed to be a barista!
Jen: Why not?
Roy: Because he's too small Jen. He's clearly too small to be a barista!
Jen: [Looks at Roy and shakes her head]
Roy: What?
Jen: You're being a bit of a small-person-racist Roy.
Roy: [Shakes head] A small-person-racist? That's not a thing.
Douglas: What's your beef with the homeless?
Jen: I don't have any homeless beef.
Douglas: Ah, so it's women you hate! Well, that I can understand.
Roy: Wait, you record our emails and tape our phone calls?
Douglas: Alright, dry your eyes Bono. If you've got nothing to hide, you've got nothing to fear.
Jen: I would never throw coffee over a homeless woman.
Roy: And I would never abuse a small person. Certainly not enough to make a van with tits hit him. [beat] Although, I suppose I sort of did.
Jen: I sort of did my one too.
Roy: It's frustrating that we did both of our things.
Douglas: Alright, I was young once. But if this got out it could deeply damage Reynholm Industries ability to make that product that we make.
Douglas: What the hell were you thinking? I told you to keep a low profile and you do it again!
Jen: No, no, no, no, no, it's new footage, Mr Reynholm.
Douglas: Bum your excuses! Reynholm Industries has a reputation to uphold. We're not News International, for Christ's sake!
Roy: [On going to a funeral] I'm gonna have to look convincingly sad for the majority of the day. She's not going to expect me to cry, is she?
Moss: No.
Roy: What if she does? I can't cry on cue! What do I do then?!
Moss: Do what I do when I need to cry: use a mild pepper-spray solution.
Roy: Now that make sense! See, that makes more sense than having to feel something!
[...]'
Roy: [Holds bottle of tear liquid suspiciously] What's in here?
Moss: [Shrugs] Just Tabasco, wasabi, and a bit of tear gas.
Roy: Those sound like bad things to put in your eyes.
Moss: It's extremely mild. It's mainly water.
Roy: [Nods and puts it in his jacket] Okay I'll take it, as a last resort.
Moss: [Shrugs] As a last resort.
Roy: In case I find myself out of my emotional depth.
Moss: There you go.
Roy: [Begins to walk off] Alright, thanks Moss!
Moss: Bye!
Roy: Bye.
Moss: [Begins to work on something else, then stops] Oh, don't forget to add the water! [But Roy has gone]
Roy: Small people are not a race. This isn't Game of Thrones!
Jen: I can't believe she's still with you.
Roy: Yeah, I suppose. But I'm hanging on by a thread, Jen! I think I'll just get through it as long as nothing else bad happens. [The phone on Roy's desk starts ringing] There's the phone now...
Roy: [casually] Hey baby.. Yeah, of course! Yeah, absolutely. OK. Bye-Bye!
Jen: She left you?
Roy: She did.
Jon Snow: As the identities of Coffee Toss Tramp Bitch and Small Person Racist are finally revealed, we at Channel 4 news ask: What the Hell is wrong with people?
Roy: Are you wearing women's slacks?
Moss: Yes I am!
Jen: See what we can do when we work together? With my business acumen..
Moss: ..And my scientific know how..
Roy: ..And I'm also here..
Jen: ..We can do anything!
All Three: YEAH [Jump in cliche excitement]
[edit]
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