The Apprentice (UK)
- 1 Series 1
- 2 Series 2
- 3 Series 3
- 4 Series 4
- 5 Series 5
- 6 Series 6
- 7 Series 7
- 8 Series 8
- 9 Series 9
- 10 Series 10
- 11 Series 11
Week 1 [1.1]
- Sir Alan Sugar: [to the candidates, in the first-ever boardroom meeting] As far as I'm concerned, what I have in front of me here is fourteen of Britain's best prospects. Quite a few thousand applied for this job: a job with me, a job that's gonna bring you a six-figure salary. But to get that job, you're gonna have to demonstrate to me your skills and leadership, business acumen, shrewdness, the lot.
- (the first-ever task briefing)
Sir Alan Sugar: Okay folks, in this factory over 3 million newspapers are going to printed in a short period of time. By about 5 o'clock tomorrow night, they're all going to be sold. What these people have learned over the years is get it sold quickly and don't have any inventory left over. Now I can see you're all smartly dressed up suited and booted, maybe because you think you've heard the word "the financial times" and you've had something in your mind grander than what I've got in mind for you. Well, it's not very grand, it's not a city job, I'm gonna take you back to the grass roots where I started. You're going out in the streets tomorrow and you're gonna be selling something. A similar commodity to these newspapers: Flowers. They're also worthless the day afterwards. I'm gonna give each team £500, and you're gonna buy £500 worth of flowers, and then you're gonna get out in the street and start selling them. Nick is gonna be following the girls team, Margaret; the boys team and the team that sells the most and has the most money at the end of the day is gonna win. And in the team that loses, one of you is gonna get fired.
Week 4 [1.4]
- Adele Lock: I'm not in the right place here. And it will come as no surprise to you, Sir Alan, that I don't like what I'm doing. I've never been so undermined and demeaned in my life, to do some of these things.
Margaret Mountford: What's demeaning about stocking an area of a shop and selling?
Adele Lock: I haven't got a problem with that, I do that all the time, I'm a retailer. I have got personal emotional problems that's happening in my life, I'm sorry, this isn't for me. I'm going to leave today, so Sir Alan I'd like to make your job a lot easier, and Tim I'd like to make your job a lot easier. I'm going to leave it at that.
Sir Alan Sugar: You know, it's an easy way out, Adele...
Adele Lock: No, it's not an easy way out, Sir Alan.
Sir Alan Sugar: It is. Look, Adele, I've been around a long time. You're a shrewd lady. Thank you for your little speech just now, but I wanna tell you this. Despite what Tim might have come up with today, you was going to go. You read it right, and the reason you was gonna go was because you took no notice of what I said outside the shop. I told you to be respectful to people, you have a problem being respectful to people, and I hope that you can contain that problem in the rest of your business life. I wish you well, I'm sorry about the problems you may have with your family and your emotions and all that stuff. It's a shame that it's gone this way. [to the rest of the team] You lot are dead lucky, that's all I can say to you.
Adele Lock: *Outside the boardroom* Cheeky bastard.
Week 5 [1.5]
- Paul Torrisi: First time we have a girl as a project leader and it's the first time we lose.
Matthew Palmer: (laughs) That's irrelevant. We couldn't have kept on that streak while some of our team were being-
Paul Torrisi: Give a woman a position of power and they go fucking doolally. All of a sudden they think they're Adolf flamin' Hitler.
- Raj Dhonota: The whole group was fully snotty though. (On First Forte)
Saira Khan: (normal vocie) Well they are. They've got (posh voice) Sebastian who talks very terribly posh and they've got, oh James, who knows everybody in London. (Normal voice)Oh, yea- he must have gone through the list and gone (higher posh voice) Oh. Victoria Daid had them round for tea the other day and the person who had gone the Goldman's Sachs and my mother's related to him. (slowly going back to normal) And oh-ladi plum. (back to normal voice) And they've got Miriam who plays the piano and Miss Artistic...
- Paul Torrisi: I can sell anything
Sir Alan Sugar: Well, you didn't.
Week 6 [1.6]
- Paul Torrisi: There's a slight pause, and then it's a giggle. [Actor laughs half-heartedly] Not funny enough!
Raj Dhonota: Tell him a friggin' joke man! What's the matter with you?
Paul Torrisi: Okay. An aardvark walked into a pub, and the barman said, "Why the long face?"
Raj Dhonota: I dunno.
Paul Torrisi: Well... that's the joke. An aardvark has a long face.
Raj Dhonota: Oh.
- Sir Alan Sugar: You should have stuck to Mac Man like shit to a blanket.
- Paul Torrisi: I am a Roman Catholic and God is my witness: I shook her hand outside.
Sir Alan Sugar: Yeah? Well, I'm Jewish and I couldn't care less.
Week 7 [1.7]
- Sir Alan Sugar: (in the first "With regret" firing) Sebastian, you're the one that's worried me the most today. People tend to seem to take the characteristics of their products I think, I personally have always been a very "Bang, bang, get stuff made, that's Amstrad." That's me , good quality products, a bit rough and ready. I see you more as a carty end Rolls Royce man to be perfectly frank and it's with regret that I'm going to tell you You're Fired.
Week 8 [1.8]
- Paul Torrisi: We never bought the bloody venison; we were over at the bloody printers!
- Miriam Staley: I thought you bought...
- Paul Torrisi: Forget about what you thought!! ..."Bought the bloody meat"...
- Sir Alan Sugar: Paul, why shouldn't I fire you?
- Paul Torrisi: I haven't done anything wrong. Why should you fire me?
- Sir Alan Sugar: (to Ben before firing him) You say in your CV "in my career I win all the time." Well I tell you, this time you haven't won. 'Cause this time, You're Fired!
Week 10 [1.10]
- Sir Alan Sugar: Viscoelastic foam? What a load of bollocks. What a pile of tat that is there, honestly. A lump of bloody foam for a hundred and fifty-four pounds. I'll tell you what son, you sell any of them, you're a bloody good salesman, that's all I can say. (about James and Saira's airbed choice, which then went on to sell extremely well)
Week 11 [1.11]
- (The beginning of the very first interviews and the introduction of the interviewers)
Sir Alan Sugar: You may be wondering what we're going to get up to today and you may also be wondering about some of these new faces that you see here. Now what's going to happen here is, is that you lot are going to go through a grueling interview. And at the end of the interview session, they're going to sit down with me and they're going to give me their opinion about whether any of you are worthy of working for me. Nick and Margaret are very well known to you.
(the camera focuses on Sir Alan's troubleshooter Claude Littner who stands in the middle.)
Now Claude, he's actually been in Denmark for me, he's been in Paris, he's actually ran Tottenham Hotspur for quite a while, that's why he's lost a bit of hair.
(Claude smiles vaguely. On Claude's right is Bordan Tkachuk)
Bordan has been in Australia, he's been in Italy and currently runs our computer organization at Viglen.
(The camera focuses finally on Paul Kemsley)
Now Paul doesn't actually work for me but he's associated with me, okay? He's a very successful businessman in his own right. And he's here to give me a view from a younger perspective.
- Flashback Bordan Tkachuk: Well, you tell me. It's called The Apprentice.
Flashback Paul Torrisi: Yes, we've come here to be apprentices to Sir Alan...
Flashback Bordan Tkachuk: Mm-hm?
Flashback Paul Torrisi: But by that same token, I think he wants someone with some experience.
(back in the boardroom)
Bordan Tkachuk: I think he got confused, I don't think he knows he's here to be an apprentice. I think he's here, in fact, to be your troubleshooter. To put all your wrongs and ills to right.
Sir Alan Sugar: Trouble maker, maybe.
- Paul Torrisi: Yes, I am Italian. I do have a temper...
Margaret Mountford: That's not an excuse for having a temper.
- (The first firing)
Sir Alan Sugar: James, you haven't convinced me. I don't think you're a long term player for me to be perfectly honest, that's my... that's my only reason. I think you've been excellent, very professional. I'm letting you go, You're Fired.
- (The second firing)
Sir Alan Sugar: Well if we're different then Paul,then maybe you've just answered it for me. Because I can't afford to gamble on you Paul. As experienced as I am, I've got to listen to what other people are saying to me, and there's too many vibes coming through to me that say Paul, I'm gonna have to let you go. You're Fired.
Paul Torrisi: Do you know? Before I came here, I didn't know a single person that had a bad word to say about me and I've taken nothing but criticism in the whole time that I've been here. Why is that? That I don't know anyone with a bad word to say about me, yet here I haven't got a single person to say a good word about me. Apart from the people that I've lived in the house with.
Sir Alan Sugar: Why's that a good question?
(Paul struggles to answer)
Well go away and think about it.
Paul Torrisi: Well, I've got nothing better to do now, have I?
- Paul Kemsley: And what's my body language telling you?
Saira Khan: Well, I would say that you're not very convinced by me...
Paul Kemsley: No, you're right. I'm not completely convinced.
- This is not a game, this is a 12 week job interview (Sir Alan's opening line at the opening credits of Series 2)
Week 1 [2.1]
- Syed Ahmed: I grew up in the East End, and have had to work for everything, no handouts... (whenever he found himself in the firing line)
- Sir Alan Sugar: I've got your card marked. (to Syed)
- Sir Alan Sugar: Ben, name them. Two people that are coming back into this boardroom with you because one of you is gonna get fired.
Ben Stanberry: Well, I'm very disappointed by the lack of loyalty, they didn't stand up to be counted; to be a leader, they put me out there. I took up the challenge...
Sir Alan Sugar: I didn't ask you that question, I'm not looking for a lecture, Name the two people you'd think that didn't perform in this task, 'cause one of you is gonna get fired.
Ben Stanberry: Samuel and Syed.
- Sir Alan Sugar: Tuan, you're being very quiet and it don't rub off on me just sitting back and letting everyone hang themselves. If anyone's going to be fired amongst you gentlemen today, who would you pick?
Tuan Le: (instantly) Ben.
Sir Alan Sugar: (somewhat surprised) You would?
Tuan Le: Yes.
Week 2 [2.2]
- Nargis Ara: Did you know that there are six million cat owners in the UK alone? (the opening line to all her pitches)
- Nargis Ara: Ask me any questions.
Virgin Megastores buyer: What sort of retail price are...
Nargis Ara: (interrupting) I haven't finished speaking!
- Mani Sandher: You don't have a clue what we're doing, do you? You don't have a clue what we're doing!
Syed Ahmed: Well, why don't you explain it then...
Mani Sandher: I can't be Bothered to explain it to you, 'cause it'll take all day!
- Syed Ahmed: (After the Harrods pitch and moving on to the Virgin pitch) We got annihilated! I still don't know what the retail price is!
Paul Tulip: I can't believe they were asking us, "What do you think we should put the retail price on?" Eh?!
Syed Ahmed:Thirty six Hours!
Paul Tulip: Thirty six Hours you're meant to be doing that sort of thing!
- Virgin Megastores buyer: (about Invicta's children's calendar) It's got a look of desktop publishing about it.
Mani Sandher: Does it?
Virgin Megastores buyer:I don't think we'll be able to pay more than £2.70-£2.75 for this.
Week 3 [2.3]
- Sir Alan Sugar: I just don't know whether you're some sort of bloody nutter. (to Jo Cameron)
- Sir Alan Sugar: Do I need another corporate lawyer? The answer is no. Karen, you're fired!
Week 4 [2.4]
- Syed Ahmed: We need 100 chickens, we need 30 kilos of minced beef, and we need 45 kilos of gammon. So I'll repeat that again, 45 kilos of gammon, minced beef 30 kilos, chicken: 100 chickens. (on the phone to the wholesaler)
- Paul Tulip: (In an Italian accent) You mess with me, I carve you up!
- Nick Hewer: So that's 100 chickens and 100 chicken tikka pizzas, one chicken per pizza?
Alexa Tilley: That... that sounds like a lot of chickens.
- Margaret Mountford: Velocity had a float of £2,000. They spent £1,097, and they took £1,423, so they made a profit of £326.
Sir Alan Sugar: Right, okay. Nick?
Nick Hewer: Well, Invicta were also given a budget of £2,000... they spent it.
Sir Alan Sugar: They spent all of it?
Nick Hewer: Yep, bar £6. Took only £1,186, which resulted I'm afraid in a thumping loss of £807.
Sir Alan Sugar: LOSS! That's a first, chaps! That's a first!
- Sir Alan Sugar: What a shower. What a bloody shower! (about the losing team)
- Sir Alan Sugar: I've set you lot a task and now have got to fire someone; quite frankly I'd like to get rid of the bleeding three of you. Tell me why I shouldn't get rid of you, now!
Syed Ahmed: Because I'm a winner, Sir Alan, that's why.
Sir Alan Sugar: You're not a bloody winner! You lost!
Syed Ahmed: I've learnt from my mistakes, and I've learnt from this, definitely, and this well never happen again.
Sir Alan Sugar: Business is not about come in, piss my money up the wall, "oh, never mind, sorry you lost it, now you've learnt your lesson, you won't do it again."
Syed Ahmed: I've learnt life the hard way, from a young age.
Sir Alan Sugar: I hold you 100% responsible.
Syed Ahmed: And I put in 150%.
Sir Alan Sugar: I hold you 100% responsible!
Syed Ahmed: I stepped up to the mark, and I...
Sir Alan Sugar: I'm sorry, Syed, I hold you 100% responsible. But... (to Alexa) I warned you, I warned you severely about this. You have not come to the table today, I still don't understand what you did. He [Syed] should be going with you also... You're a very, very bad manager. You didn't manage this thing properly. You're a lightweight. You're fired! (brief pause) I'm really angry with this situation. Clear off!
(Alexa, Syed and Tuan get up and start to leave. Before walking out the door, Syed turns to Sir Alan)
Syed Ahmed: Thank you, Sir Alan, thank you for the opportunity. (leaves)
Sir Alan Sugar: Cheeky bastard. "Thank you for the opportunity."
- Sir Alan Sugar: (to Mani Sandher) You think you did a good job?
Mani Sandher: I did the best job I could.
Sir Alan Sugar: (to Invicta) How did we get on here then? How do you like having a lady operating you then? Any good?
Don't all rush.
Tuan Le: Could be better.
Sir Alan Sugar: (to Alexa Tilley) You think you did a good job?
Alexa Tilley: I enjoyed it. I think we worked alright together as a team.
Sir Alan Sugar: Anything else you've got to say chaps?
- The Invicta Chef: (on the argument between Samuel and Tuan) Welcome to the catering world.
- Sir Alan Sugar: It was dictated to you? By who?
Syed Ahmed: By the chef.
Sir Alan Sugar: What, the chef said 'buy 100 chickens'? (doubtfully) You sure?
- Alexa Tilley: I had to take my lead from Tuan and Syed because I don't have restaurant experience.
Nick Hewer: Well, you did work in a pizza parlor, you told me.
Alexa Tilley: Yes, I sold pizzas at Asda but I don't really have experience of quantities that would go into producing that number of pizzas.
- Paul Tulip: (to the camera) If I get brought back into the boardroom, I'm gonna laugh my head off and just absolutely annihilate Alexa. (In the end Paul wasn't brought back into the final boardroom)
Week 5 [2.5]
- Sir Alan Sugar: I did have a preview of that tape before. Nick actually gave it to me and when he gave it to me, I thought he had mixed it up with one of his other videos, because to me it looks like a 1970s porno movie Debbie Does Dallas. (Nick and Ruth exchange amused looks)
- Ruth Badger: Tell me what you mean by autocratic?
Mani Sandher: I haven't got time for this - look it up in the dictionary.
Ruth Badger: Okay. Patronising as well.
- Sir Alan Sugar: You seem to have gone from anchor to wanker! (to Mani Sandher)
- Paul Tulip: How many stripes have you got?
Syed Ahemd: I've got loads of stripes!
Paul Tulip: No, let's have a look at how many stripes you've got under there 'cause the more you have, the more important you are.
Syed Ahmed: (understanding Paul's question) I've got three.
Paul Tulip: Oh! It's just that I've got four! (showing Syed his shoulder stripes)
Week 6 [2.6]
- Sir Alan Sugar: (on reading Jo Cameron's CV) Says here she used to train Financial Directors for MG Rover. No wonder they went bloody skint.
- Sir Alan Sugar: Jo, you've been here too many times. It's a shame, but I thought you had more potential. But Jo, I'm sorry to say, this time, you're fired.
Jo Cameron: I thought I expected this, because I accept the fact I've been here four times, but I think that what that demonstrates is that I've got resilience of a survivor. I'm happy to go out here on the basis of like, being crap, but I don't believe that I am...
Sir Alan Sugar: Jo, Jo. There comes a time when everybody - everybody - is saying the same thing, and even me, I will say 'You know what? Give it up Alan, enough's enough.' Jo, you're fired.
Jo Cameron: Can I just ask one more time just to give you one last chance?
Sir Alan Sugar: I'm afraid not. No I'm afraid not. That's it.
- Sir Alan Sugar: Samuel, can I ask you a direct question?
Samuel Judah: Yes of course, Sir Alan.
Sir Alan Sugar: Do you think if you weren't there, it would have made any difference?
- Sir Alan Sugar: Samuel, with your hands in your pockets, not a salesman...
(somewhat disdainfully) What did you do?
Samuel Judah: I contributed with the idea that...
Sir Alan Sugar: I tell you what. Do me a favor. Shut that book at the moment, I want to hear what you can do without your notes alright?
Samuel Judah: (reluctantly) Fine.
Sir Alan Sugar: Shut the book, put your pen down and talk to me. Stop looking at notes, okay? What did you do?
Week 7 [2.7]
- Sir Alan Sugar: I'll promise you this. As sure as I've got a hole in my bloody arse, when it gets down to the Final Two, all these people who are saying nice things will not. (On Michelle and Ruth's friendship)
Week 8 [2.8]
- Ruth Badger: (after failing to sell a product) We put our lipstick on for him, and he was minging!
- Sir Alan Sugar: Shut, UP!! (to Syed Ahmed)
- Sharon McAllister: (To Syed) I think you're an arrogant wanker, but good luck.
- Sir Alan Sugar: Syed...
- Syed: Sir Alan I respect...
- Sir Alan Sugar: SHUT UP, I'm talking.
Week 9 [2.9]
- Syed Ahmed: You couldn't close a barn door even if you tripped over it! (to Tuan)
- Sir Alan Sugar: Am I asking you ventriloquist? I'm talking to him!
- Margaret Mountford: (after Tuan Le is fired) Tuan was just done in.
Sir Alan Sugar: Yeah, Tuan was done (laughs).
- Sir Alan Sugar: I'm struggling with the situation but I've come to a conclusion and my conclusion is this: that Tuan, I'm afraid to say you had your chance. You didn't perform on this particular task so Tuan, you're fired!
Tuan Le: Thank you.
Sir Alan Sugar: Thank you
(Ruth and Tuan leave the boardroom but Syed remains seated)
Syed Ahmed: I mean, Sir Alan...
Sir Alan Sugar: Bye! (showing Syed the door) Ta-ra.
Week 10 [2.10]
- Nick Hewer: He's all gong and no dinner (on Syed Ahmed)
- Sir Alan Sugar: But I'm also sorry to say, Syed, despite some flashes of genius, you're too much of a risk for me. Syed, you're fired.
Week 11 [2.11]
- Paul Tulip: I'm just a likable person who can get along with anyone
- Claude Littner: Well you're not getting along with me.
- Sir Alan: Paul on Paul.
- Paul Kemsley: I've got no idea what he's doing here.
- (The first firing)
Paul Tulip: There's plenty of people waiting for me.
Sir Alan Sugar: Well, I've got to tell you Paul. You haven't convinced me today right? So Paul I'm letting you go. Paul, you're fired!
- (The second firing)
Sir Alan Sugar: Ansell, you're a very, very fine fellow. But Ansell, regretfully I've got to say to you, You're Fired.
- Sir Alan Sugar: Let's talk about Ansell.
Claude Littner: When I saw his CV, I would have put it in the bin. But when I saw the man-I quite liked him.
Week 12 [2.12]
- Syed Ahmed: Shall we all go in there?
Paul Tulip: We might as well wait for Margaret to come out and that's not long anyway.
Syed Ahmed: Ah right, I'll be in there anyway. (walks off into a building)
Paul Tulip: Cock.
- Ruth Badger: You wouldn't believe that! So I've been into the second-most place in Britain when it comes to insurance and I've just been removed by security.
- This is not a game, this is a 12 week job interview from hell (Sir Alan's opening line at the opening credits of Series 3)
Week 1 [3.1]
- Sir Alan Sugar: Never underestimate me because you will be making a fatal error. I don't like liars. I don't like cheats. I don't like bullshitters. I don't like schmoozers and I don't like arse-lickers.
- Sir Alan Sugar: Don't start telling me that you're just like me, because no one's like me, I'm unique.
- Andy Jackson: At eleven o'clock it wasn't busy, and at that point I pulled [the van back]. Perhaps I should have pulled it earlier...
Nick Hewer: Even if it was busy, they wouldn't have bought your coffee at that price. Nobody seems to grasp this point!
Gerri Blackwood: But I did manage to sell eleven cups.
Nick Hewer [sarcastically] Oh, well done.
Sir Alan Sugar: Eleven?! What do you want, a medal? You should have sold a hundred and eleven! You sold eleven. It's a disgrace!
- Sir Alan Sugar: (to Tre Azam) Remember I told you last week never to underestimate me?
Tre Azam: Yes?
Sir Alan Sugar: Do you want to tell your colleagues where you really got the name from?
(holds up a piece of paper)
Is this the company you work for?
Week 2 [3.2]
- Tre Azam: Don't talk to me like I'm a child, don't talk to me like you're my boss, we're all in this together.
Rory Laing: I am your boss.
Tre Azam: You're not my boss, you're my project manager...
Rory Laing: I am your boss!
Tre Azam: You're nothing to me.
- Rory Laing: It does fulfil the task of being innovative. A blanket-
Sir Alan Sugar: Well it's got some originality.
Rory Laing: Yeah
Sir Alan Sugar: You've gotta find an original nutter to wear it, first of all.
- Sir Alan Sugar: Ifti, I don't know if you've got a problem or something, but you are not transmitting confidence to me.
Ifti Chaudri: Ah, Sir Alan, I do apologise for that. I know it's no excuse, but I was missing my son very badly...
Sir Alan Sugar: What, you think that's funny, do you?
Tre Azam: Not at all, I have a son too. But when you have to get down to work, you have to get down to work, don't you?
Ifti Chaudri: I've never been away from my son, and I found it crippling, to be honest with you. Absolutely crippling.
Sir Alan Sugar: You can't concentrate on this, is really what you're saying?
Ifti Chaudri: It doesn't look like I can. But I'm just being honest with you, Sir Alan, because I'm not going to be going into tasks and not giving 100%. You saw me on the first task, you saw what I'm capable of, but I just found myself in a mental block, and if I can't tell you the truth, what can I do?
Sir Alan Sugar: I appreciate it, you're a very good family man. But business is business, as I'm sure you'll agree. And so it's with regret, Ifti, that I'm going to have to say to you, you're fired.
[Ifti sighs, gets up and leaves. Sir Alan turns to face Rory and Tre]
Sir Alan Sugar: I suppose you think you've got off lightly there? That because Ifti's gone, that's it, you can get back to the house? Well, as I've said once before, never underestimate me, and don't try and second guess what's going on. Because, I'm telling you, as unusual as it is, one of you is still going to get fired.
- Sir Alan Sugar: Rory, you're a disaster. I'm sorry, an absolute, total disaster. I've given you the chance to explain yourself, and you haven't. I was told that you were bankrupt; there's no shame in that, been bankrupt twice. Well, here's the hat-trick... Rory, you're fired!
Week 5 [3.5]
- Tre Azam: Stupid titties and fish.
- Tre Azam: They come across like something that belongs in a fetish gallery.
- Sir Alan Sugar: I absolutely admire anybody like you have done...a mother under the circumstances which you were in, done your Open University stuff, got your MBA and this, that and the other. Love it, okay? Me? It don't mean jack shit, quite frankly. I'm not interested in these titles, okay?
Week 6 [3.6]
- Kristina Grimes: The French are cheese connoisseurs, and we're going to sell them something from Makro?
- Lohit Kalburgi: (attempting to sell while speaking French) Hello, we have some specialities of Britishness... are you interesting?
- Paul Callaghan: So, just to recap, we're trying to sell pork sausages to a Muslim, and offering him a taster in the middle of Ramadan. Other than that, I think it's all going perfectly well!
- Sir Alan Sugar: That's not very good, is it? (After discovering that Stealth have made a loss of over £200)
- Sir Alan Sugar: Is this a joke?! (during Paul's attempted explanation of his baked bean-tin stove)
- Katie Hopkins: She's a complete snake in the grass and, frankly, too orange to be taken seriously. (about Kristina Grimes)
- Sir Alan Sugar: I sent you out on a mission to France, to sell quality British products. I gave you a list of organic farmers, of people who use tender love and care to create something special that they take a pride in. And I wanted you to take that product and say "This is what us British produce, this is not mass-produced tut..." and what you do, is you go and buy a breeze block-load of bloody cheddar cheese!
- Sir Alan Sugar: Paul, I sent you to sell the best of British to France. You spent half the bloody day frying sausages on some stupid contraption that the Boy Scouts could have made, and worse than that, Paul, you went out and lost me money! You're a total shambles. You're fired!
- (Paul and Adam are sat in a car and Paul is showing how to make a makeshift stove to Adam)
Paul Callaghan:(holding a baked bean can) You open that end, you empty out the beans and maybe eat them for your lunch.
Adam Hosker: Yeah.
(Paul brings out a can of lighter fuel and continues demonstrating)
Paul Callaghan: You then open the top of this, make sure you've got a few vent holes in the top and in the bottom which you need to stab through. Open the top of that, set that alight, stick that in there, and put your frying pan on top to cook your sausages.
Adam Hosker: Yep, Perfect.
Week 7 [3.7]
- Sir Alan Sugar: Adam, what's Katie doing here?
- Adam Hosker: Katie didn't give me the extra effort that we needed. I felt if we had more effort and more commitment, we could have won.
- Sir Alan Sugar: So you're saying lack of effort, then?
- Adam Hosker: I-
- Katie Hopkins: I could not have put more effort into yesterday! I fragged myself to the bone yesterday to try and make this thing work. Your reasons for bringing me in here just do not stack up. One, on a personal level; two, on a business level. Sir Alan says he does not know about my personal stuff. He knows about it, because you talked about it and Kristina talked about it. Fine, been there! But if you want to go personal, I'll go personal. I'd very much strongly advise you not to take this down a personal route. At a business level, you have one speed setting, and that setting is slow slow slow! Someone put the wrong speed dial in when they created you, sweetie, which is why when the phone rings, I always drop, because I know that phone call will take forever, to tell me something either I already know, or I could get done quicker myself. So you know what? You're just barking up the wrong tree!
- Sir Alan Sugar: I wouldn't expect a Christmas Card from her this year, Adam.
- Katie Hopkins: (after hearing Adam's claim about Nigella Seeds) Absolutely not!
Sir Alan Sugar: Katie, Katie. Let the man talk.
Katie Hopkins: It'll take a long time though, Sir Alan.
Sir Alan Sugar: Well, it don't matter me. I've got time.
- Sir Alan Sugar: Adam, your luck has run out! You're Fired!
Week 8 [3.8]
- Tre Azam: We need a break dancer.
Simon Ambrose: I'm a dance man!
Tre Azam: Shut up!
- Katie Hopkins: If you give me the opportunity to win again, I'll win again.
Week 10 [3.10]
- Sir Alan Sugar: If she [Kristina] says "okay" one more time, I'm gonna hit something.
Kristina Grimes: (on TV) Okay! Now here we have...
(Sir Alan laughs and shakes his head)
- Simon Ambrose: (while unwittingly appearing to be masturbating) If you're a young child you can do this, if you're an adult you can have fun!
- (during Simon's trampoline demonstration)
Producer: Honestly guys, at this moment in time, we're dying.
Tre Azam: Is that really bad?
Naomi Lay: Yeah...
- Sir Alan Sugar: In these past ten weeks, I've been relying upon Nick and Margaret to tell me what you people have been up to. Well, I didn't need to last night, because I saw it myself. And what I saw was the biggest load of tut that I have ever seen in my life.
Week 11 [3.11]
- Paul Kemsley: You may not be aware of this...*coughs* Alan, but Tre runs a global corporation from his bedroom.
Sir Alan Sugar: He does what?
Paul Kemsley: Apparently, he's got 15 offices around the world...some of which may also be bedrooms.
Week 1 [4.1]
- Raef Bjayou: The spoken word is my tool.
- Jennifer Maguire: As a salesperson, I would rate myself as probably the best in Europe.
- Alex Wotherspoon: I'm only twenty-four!
- Nicholas de Lacy-Brown: I'm very into art and culture and that sort of thing... I find it very difficult to have conversations about football, for example. (to Sir Alan, a noted Tottenham Hotspur fan)
- Raef Bjayou: I get on with Prince or Pauper!
Sir Alan Sugar: And you're the prince, are you?
- Alex Wotherspoon: I am NOT over-sensitive!
- Sir Alan Sugar: You were devastated when you got a B in your GCSE French. You're going to be even more devastated now, because you've got a big F. You're fired! (to Nicholas)
- Simon Smith: (in Sir Alan's voice) "And at the end of this task, one of you will be fired!"
- Sara Dhada: To me, business is simple. It's about making money, making money and making more money.
- Sir Alan Sugar: (seeing Raef quiet as Alex and Nicholas argue) Well Raef, either talk up you know or...
Raef Bjayou: I'm just finding this conversation just, you know, just incredibly boring. We're now going into psycho-babble now.
Sir Alan Sugar: I'm sorry if I'm boring you.
- Raef Bjayou: (through an intercom selling fish door-to-door) My name's Raef, I represent Renaissance Ltd. a purveyor of fine fish!
- Ian Stringer: (to Nicholas who is an artist and a barrister) You know what my mum says? If you can piss you can paint.
- Sir Alan Sugar: (to Raef) What is all this stuff about "faced death many times."? Where have we faced death many times? In a hairdressing shop?
- Sir Alan Sugar: Business starts now!
(He throws two sets of car keys at the candidates. One in Simon's direction and the other in Claire's)
- Alex Wotherspoon: Simon, Ian and Lee did a fantastic job at actually knocking out the product-
Michael Sophocles: Sorry, I find it absolutely insulting that you don't include me in the group of people who sold-
Alex Wotherspoon:I acknowledge...
Michael Sophocles:their absolute heart out.
Alex Wotherspoon: Michael, you did a fantastic job...
Michael Sophocles: I mean it's just...
Alex Wotherspoon:I'm not insulting you at all. I've only met you all today, what do you mean "friends"? We've not formed any relationships.
Michael Sophocles: I don't know. You just don't seem very interested.
Week 2 [4.2]
- Lee McQueen: That's what I'm talking about! (repeated throughout the series)
- Jenny Celerier: All day it's been like I've had to breastfeed the pair of you. (to Lucinda and Shazia, with a puzzled look from Sir Alan)
- Simon Smith: (During Team Renaissance's victory) What-ho, bloke? Top tea.
- Jenny Celerier: (to Lucinda) Can you be quiet, please? (slower) Can, You, Be, Quiet, Please?
- Raef Bjayou: Let's absolutely, kick...arse. (before setting of to do the task.)
- Simon Smith: (on Raef) Laurence of Araefia. The strange, posh enigma!
- Michael Sophocles: (on the phone) It's Michael.
Simon Smith: Sorry, I can't here you. We're in the laundry.
Michael Sophocles: Yeah, I thought you might be!
- (Moments before Shazia's firing)
Sir Alan Sugar:Shazia...
Shazia Wahab: Please...
- Sir Alan Sugar: (to Alpha) How was the team leader?
Lindi Mngaza: Good.
Sir Alan Sugar: Everybody happy with the team leader?
Claire Young: We had our ups and downs but overall it was good.
Sir Alan Sugar: Ups and downs? (another brief pause) You think your team worked well for you?
Jenny Celerier: I didn't feel like I had a hundred percent commitment from some of my team.
Sir Alan Sugar:Anybody in particular?
Jenny Celerier: Yes, certainly Sir Alan. Lucinda, most definitely I felt I had an enormous amount of issues with her throught the course of my task.
Margaret Mountford: One of your clients is still looking for some of his clothing I think.
Jenny Celerier: Yes, we had an issue with some lost articles when we returned the items to the...
Sir Alan Sugar: Lost, some stuff?
Jenny Clerier: Yes, we did Sir Alan. Two shirts.
Sir Alan Sugar: You lost the fellow's shirts?
Jenny Celerier: Yes.
Sir Alan Sugar: I bet he was very upset, was he not?
Claire Young: I don't think he'd want us to do his washing again.
Sir Alan Sugar: No. I tell you what, I'm going to Margaret to deduct £50 off whatever you brought back to compensate this fellow.
(turning to Renaissance)
Gentlemen. Do you think you've taken the ladies to the cleaners?
Much of Renaissance: Yes we do.
Sir Alan Sugar: Who's your team leader?
(Raef puts his hand up and everyone shows him to Sir Alan)
Many of Renaissance: Raef.
Sir Alan Sugar: Good team leader?
(much more enthusiastic response from Renaissance)
Sir Alan Sugar: (clearly surprised about the much more enthusiastic response to Raef than Jenny) Woah! Woah!
- Lucinda Ledgerwood: Will you please stop using my name in vain?
- Jenny Celerier: I have to say Lucinda, I am absolutely, thoroughly disappointed about your behavior tonight. I just want to highlight that point with you-
Lucinda Ledgerwood: Give me some examples.
Jenny Celerier: This evening I've watched you, you...we've got two minutes to get the bloody napkins out to the van. You're supposed to be unloading them from the tumble dryer and you're taking one out and folding it upon the side! You're taking one out...when I have team members who are doing such ludicrous, stupid things it means that I'm having to concentrate and direct a disproportional amount of my time on managing you and making sure that you're not doing absolutely stupid things.
Lucinda Ledgerwood: You sat there...
Jenny Celerier: Number two...Number two...
(Lucinda tries to retaliate but Jenny has none of it)
I haven't finished.
Lucinda Ledgerwood: Please let me retaliate...
Jenny Celerier: I have not finished. I am the project manager and I haven't finished.
Lucinda Ledgerwood: Please let me retaliate on the point-
Jenny Celerier: I have not finished. You can give your feedback to me when I've finished. Okay? Do you understand?
(Lucinda tries to retaliate again but Jenny, again, is not having any of it.)
Lucinda Ledgerwood: Not okay.
Jenny Celerier: When we had what was probably a hundred napkins in that tumble dryer you didn't take one napkin out, put it on the side and fold it up. That's not fact.
Lucinda Ledgerwod:Please can you not shout at me for a start?
Jenny Celerier: That's not fact.
Lucinda Ledgerwood: What I consider is having a sleep and we can discuss this in the morning.
Jenny Celerier: No. The fact that you're not answering it leads me to...
Lucinda Ledgerwood: It's not!
Jenny Celerier: believe that you are not actually capable of acknowledging where you have gone wrong. That doesn't help the team dynamics at all! That is like a fungus that starts eating away at the positivity of the team!
Lucinda Ledgerwood: The reason why I started to...
Jenny Celerier: It's absolutely stupid.
(By this point Jenny has reduced Lucinda to tears. At this point, Sara tries to defend Lucinda)
Sara Dhada: You just go on and on about one thing. You don't know what's going on. You take one side of the story and then you just attack.
(Jenny looks on as if nothing happened)
(back at the house the rest of Alpha wait for Jenny, Lucinda, Sara and Helene. Lucinda enters the house in tears having been berated by Jenny)
Claire Young: (paying scant regard and pretty sarcastically) Oh my god (!) Lucinda's crying (!)
(Jennifer on the other hand pays even less regard)
Jennifer Maguire: For fuck's sake!
Week 3 [4.3]
- Ian Stringer: There are two types of people in the world; Winners and... I don't know how to say the word, I can't say it, and I won't say it. (at the start of the episode; Ian lost as team leader that week, and was fired)
- Sir Alan Sugar: How was Ian as a team leader?
Ian Stringer: Don't all speak at once, guys.
- Sir Alan Sugar: Ian, you lost. A word that's not in your vocabulary, I understand.
- Sir Alan Sugar: You haven't got a bloody clue, not a bloody clue! (to Renaissance)
- Kevin Shaw: We can! We've got to prepare the food! Tell them to do it!
Ian Stringer: Kevin, we've got to go!
Kevin Shaw: Right, if we don't have the food ready, it's your fault.
Ian Stringer: Fine!
Kevin Shaw: Right, fine.
- Ian Stringer: Can you get us black bags?
Lee McQueen: Black bags?! Why have I got to go and buy black bags?! Fucking tin openers! You havin' a laugh or what?
- Michael Sophocles: (singing) And more, much more than this. I did it my way!
- Kevin Shaw: I've never seen, so much delegation in my life! "Any chance you can wipe my bum, 'cause I just don't know how to do it." That's what it was like! You know, he didn't do nothing!
- Lee McQueen: (on the phone to Ian and Kevin) I'm concerned. Lee McQueen is concerned.
- Jenny Celerier: (to Lucinda after she accuses Jennifer of being vindictive and making personal attacks on her) You have made yourself in a position of victim and portray other people in a very bad light to actually elevate your position. And I don't believe that what you're saying is a) correct, b) accurate and I think that you are a highly manipulative young lady.
- Simon Smith: Yeah, I need more cheese. I'm alright on on mushrooms, tomatoes. I need ham, I need palma ham, I need tuna. I need...I need fucking everything!
Week 4 [4.4]
- Lucinda Ledgerwood: I am technically useless.
- Lucinda Ledgerwood: How dare you! (to Helene)
- Sir Alan Sugar: Simon, if I asked you to build me a wall, you'd build me a wall, I'm pretty sure of that. If I asked you to dig me a trench, you'd dig me a trench. But I'm not sure that if I asked you to run my investment portfolio, you'd be able to do that very well. I'm sorry my friend, I think you're a little bit out of your depth here. And with regret, you're fired.
*Simon Smith: Thank you for a wonderful opportunity.
Sir Alan Sugar: (Quietly) Okay.
(Simon turns to face Sir Alan once more)
Simon Smith: Thank you Sir Alan. Goodbye.
- Lucinda Ledgerwood: As I have said, I will be out there, take the CDs and the pictures and burn them, and take them back out!
Helene Speight: Fantastic!
Week 5 [4.5]
- Sir Alan Sugar: Lucinda, you are a risk manager. What is the risk of you being fired here today?
Lucinda Ledgerwood: The probability is one in three!
Sir Alan Sugar:...What a brainstorm that was.
- Raef Bjayou: (on the phone) My name's Raef. I'm C.E.O of Alpha Luxury Ice Creams.
- Lee McQueen: You know what I smelt then? Perfection!
Week 6 [4.6]
- Clinton Cards Representative: Do you think that's actually going to make someone smile? (Reads from card) "A bath uses 120 litres of water, whereas a shower only uses 30. Being more efficient in the way you wash will stop your money going down the drain. Bathe less, shower more."
Kevin Shaw: If you don't put your weight behind it, then it's just the same as the US saying, "We don't care about pollution."
(Stunned looks from the Clinton Cards Representatives)
- Nick Hewer: No apostrophe in the history of the English language has ever been argued over so fiercely.
- (Renaissance have sold 6,000 cards so far; Alpha 3,000. One supplier left to go...)
Margaret Mountford: Celebrations didn't buy any from Renaissance.
Sir Alan Sugar: Right. And Celebrations for Alpha?
Nick Hewer: They were keener. They bought 19,500.
(very enthusiastic response from most of Alpha except, at first, for Helene. Then two seconds later she smiles)
Michael Sophocles: (punches table) COME ON! COME ON!
Lee McQueen: That's what I'm talking about!
(long pause and shocked look from Margaret)
Sir Alan Sugar: This is not a football match. This outburst of yours is...not something I would condone in this boardroom.
Michael Sophocles: I apologise, Sir Alan.
- Sir Alan Sugar: I can tell you Kevin that Clinton Cards, for example, reported that your pitch was dreadful. They found you a bit cocky, they found you preaching to them. Not selling them cards, preaching to them! There was a smell of arrogance about you, they felt. Did anyone else put themselves forward? (Claire and Jenny raise their hands) You two did?
Margaret Mountford: Can I just say that perhaps it was a good thing that Jenny didn't do it? She actually told Clintons that because of environmental concerns she wasn't buying so many cards any more.
Sir Alan Sugar: Is that right?
Jenny Celerier: (proudly) Yes, I did, Sir Alan.
Sir Alan Sugar: How can you make a statement on one hand that "I don't buy so many cards any more," and then come up with the concept, that this is what we should do?!
Jenny Celerier: I really do passionately believe that this is still a viable concept, and that pitched correctly it could...
Sir Alan Sugar: Oh, I'll tell you what, it's beyond my comprehension, this is.
- Sir Alan Sugar: This whole task turned out a fiasco, and as team leader I hold you totally responsible. Kevin, you're fired!
- Raef Bjayou: (rehearsing his pitch at night) Through our cards we put forward to you (clears throat) the notion of the Singles' day, we have created not only a product for you but a diary entry!
Michael Sophocles: (clearly tired of hearing Raef's pitch) That was absolutely amazing. Now can you just please shut the fuck up?
Week 7 [4.7]
- Claire Young: Look, a snake! Ugh! I hate snakes. If Sir Alan, for a Million Pound, came up to me and said "Claire, kiss that snake.", I'd say. "I'm sorry. I'd rather kiss you!"
- (In the boardroom after the kosher chicken incident)
Sir Alan Sugar: It's an insult to the Muslim religion, let alone the Jewish religion. On your CV, what did you say on there? You're a good Jewish boy.
Michael Sophocles: I'm not, I'm only half Jewish, Sir Alan.
Sir Alan Sugar: Well, you either are or you aren't, yeah?
Michael Sophocles: I'm a nice Jewish boy.
Sir Alan Sugar: OK, because if you're unsure, you can always pull your trousers and we can check.
- Sir Alan Sugar: Is it right that you went to a Muslim halal butcher and asked him to give you a kosher chicken, and he actually made a prayer over it, is that right?
Michael Sophocles: That's correct, Sir Alan.
Margaret Mountford: And he slaughtered it for you?
Michael Sophocles: That's correct.
Sir Alan Sugar: Are you having a laugh or what? I don't know why you didn't go the whole hog, and find a Roman Catholic priest to take the butcher's confession. You're here because you're supposed to be intelligent people, it's unbelievable! Aren't you embarrassed, Michael?
Michael Sophocles: I am embarrassed, yes, Sir Alan.
Sir Alan Sugar: Do you know what the word L'Chaim means?
Michael Sophocles: I know what the word schmuck means.
Sir Alan Sugar: (repeating the question) No, but do you know what the word L'Chaim means?
Michael Sophocles: No.
Sir Alan Sugar: (shocked) You don't?!
- Sir Alan Sugar: You know what? I think this team was totally out of control. It's the people who made the mistakes in buying the products that I can point at, or I can point at the team leader. Be under no illusion, there's no rule, no written rule, that I just have to get rid of one person. There's three terrible mistakes here. I don't give a shit! I'll fire three of you if I have to, I'll fire the whole bloody five of you! Don't bother me at all! It's up to you, you open your bloody mouth, or I'll just make some quick decisions.
- (Sir Alan, Margaret and Nick continue the discussion alone...)
Nick Hewer: How can he not know what a kosher chicken is? He did classics at Edinburgh, he's a bright enough boy, how could he make such a mess of things?.
Margaret Mountford: Well, I think Edinburgh's not what it used to be.
- Sir Alan Sugar: You know what, it seems that you hang on every word that I say and turn it on your colleagues. No good, no good. Sorry, same old story. Jenny, you're fired. Goodbye!
(Jenny gets up and leaves)
Right, who's next?
- Lee McQueen: (on the phone to Raef) Just to let you know, we fucking just nailed the blue cactus as well.(laughs) Come on.
Raef Bjayou: (to a seller after he hangs up the phone) Sorry about the bad language you heard there.
- Sir Alan Sugar: Jenny, you are a woman of the world. Slightly older than the rest of the people here.
(Jenny smiles as he says this)
Jenny Celerier: It's my birthday today Sir Alan. I'm thirty-six today.
Sir Alan Sugar: (paying somewhat scant regard) Congratulations. At 36 are you telling me you've never heard of the term "analogy kosher" and you don't know that's associated with Jewish people?
Jenny Celerier: (nodding and shaking her head at the same time) No, Sir Alan.
Week 8 [4.8]
- Raef Bjayou: I think that we need to remember that those in a size 16-32 dress, are size 16-32 for a reason: they love cake.
- Michael Sophocles: They're just dumb-dumbs. (after failing to sell a cake to some brides-to-be)
- Sir Alan Sugar: The fundamental flaw here is that the selling approach was wrong, in the sense that you're not selling double glazing.
Michael Sophocles: I didn't sell it like a hard-sell double glazing.
Nick Hewer: Really?
Sara Dhada: We tried our absolute best to sell those cakes, it was really difficult. The first questions, we were asking, "Are you getting married, who are you getting married to? Really interested in their wedding. It is new, it's all edible..."
[Sir Alan winces; Nick and Margaret look at Sara disapprovingly]
Sara Dhada: "...You can do this to it, you can do that to it, you can have different colours put in it, it'll be like a wow factor at your wedding." We explained all these points, and it was so difficult to...
Sir Alan Sugar: Listen, I'll tell you what. If I had been one of the recipients of your sales pitch, if it's anything like what you're doing now, I would have gotten hold of your head and pushed it in the bloody cake!
- (in order to generate sales for Alpha, Raef tries on the bear costume slipping on the bear's head)
Raef Bjayou: (laughing for a second) I'm going to suffocate in this thing!
Week 9 [4.9]
- Lucinda Ledgerwood: Stop it! Not on! Naughty, Naughty, Naughty!
- Lucinda Ledgerwood: I don't like the boxing, I don't like the colors, and I don't like the pictures on it and to me that is...
Lee McQueen: So, is it underlying factor then that you shouldn't have volunteered to go and look at the fucking...
Lucinda Ledgerwood: I didn't FUCKING volunteer!
- Sir Alan Sugar: (to Renaissance) You made one, not one, The biggest error. The biggest error going: I don't know what your bloody advert's about! I do not know what it's about! It doesn't mention the word "tissues" once in the voice-over, you've got this little box of tissues down the bottom that... and a little strap-line down the bottom and it would not sell any tissues. It might make me or my grandmother or my auntie smile and look at the little kid crying and think "Ahhhh" like that but it ain't gonna make me look for those on the shelf! You lost! I'm sorry, you lost and it's not my opinion. This is the opinion of the three professionals I consulted today, and I am so frustrated because you did 90-5% of the work! A much better cinema-graphic, representation than these people. Much, much better but I'm sorry, you lost!
(To Alpha) You won because your horrible advert, your horrible box threw it in the people's face, the actor there was talking about tissues three times, he brought out the anti-bacterial thing which is one of the points that I wanted to mention. You had the box in big shot, in the picture, on the mum's lap, you had it again somewhere else and at the end pack shot you had it there. (tapping Alpha's box) That's the thing I'm gonna remember. You won, so well done.
Week 10 [4.10]
- Claire Young: How do you think Michael is?
Helene Speight: Shit.
Claire Young: I think he's shit as well.
- Michael Sophocles: Sir Alan, I think I'm an absolutely fantastic salesman...
Sir Alan Sugar: But you didn't bloody sell did you?
- Sir Alan Sugar: Helene your posture, not being disrespectful or rude, you remind me of the portrait of the Mona Lisa in which there's this one sole expression with you all the time.
Week 11 [4.11]
- Claude Littner: I'll talk about Lucinda if I may, Alan. She's a very intelligent, bright individual. No doubt highly skilled at what she does and I would think she'd be a disaster for you.
Paul Kemsley: I'll tell you a good point. If you're building a nice office for yourself and you want it lit beautifully with candles - nice smelling candles, good aroma therapy in the air, nice calm, perfect...
Karren Brady: Paul! That is unfair.
- Sir Alan Sugar: Lucinda, I'm afraid to say you're a little bit too zany for me, a little bit too unconventional for me. And so, Lucinda, with regret, you're fired!
- Claude Littner: What are the things you're going to offer Sir Alan?
Alex Wotherspoon: Like you say, I am 24 years old so...
Claude Littner: Can you not just answer a question?! I'm finding it very.. I mean, it's just how many times do I have to ask the same question before you actually give me an answer!
- Claude Littner: (on Lee's CV which is riddled with spelling mistakes) Did they ever teach you spelling?
- Bordan Tkachuk: You were doing a degree, were you?
Lee McQueen: No, unfortunately for me my exam results etc were never good enough to do a degree. When I was a trainee catering manager, they put me through to do a professional qualification in catering. I was there for two years, I was actually doing my HCIMA for that period of time.
Bordan Tkachuk: Are you sure it was two years?
Lee McQueen: As far as I am aware, it was two years, yes.
Bordan Tkachuk: Really? The university has actually dropped me a line here confirming that you were only there for four months.
Lee McQueen: Really? Oh, Okay well then, it was four months then.
Bordan Tkachuk: Was it two years or four months? Do you want to see or do you know?
Lee McQueen: No, no, if that's what you are saying.
Bordan Tkachuk: No, I am asking you. I have asked you twice, it's your CV. It says Thames University 1996 to 1998.
Lee McQueen: Then I have, um, put something incorrect on my CV.
Bordan Tkachuk: Was it just one thing?
Lee McQueen: Well, I have made a mistake already haven't I, so it's difficult for me to be completely confident.
Bordan Tkachuk: What worries me is that you have got someone here who is prepared to bullshit their way through.
Lee McQueen: I am not prepared to bullshit my way through.
Bordan Tkachuk: Well you did on that.
Lee McQueen: I am not prepared to bullshit my way through.
Bordan Tkachuk: But you did on that and that worries me a little bit about you because I am looking at this and saying what else is there about you?
Lee McQueen: My integrity is out the window. All I would say to you is that I am not proud my educational background, Bordan, and I have put something down there to make my educational background seem a little bit better than what it is and that's a blip on my integrity and I can't erase that. All I can say is that I am disappointed in myself for doing that.
- Claire Young: (as Lucinda is in an interview with Claude Littner) Lucinda's been up there ages. Oh, I'd love to be her in there. (in Lucinda's voice) Erm, erm, excuse me. Erm, erm (normal voice) And he'd just be like "Shut it! Shut up now!"
- Paul Kemsley: I didn't find anything interesting in your CV.
Alex Wotherspoon: Obviously taking into account my age, that's why my CV isn't as extensive as...
Paul Kemsley: I was running my own business at twenty-two.
- Karren Brady: Do you have that all-round business experience?
Alex Wotherspoon: I've got as much experience as I could have at my age at twenty-four.
Karren Brady: Alex, I was twenty-three when I was running Birmingham City Football Club. You're a year older.
- Paul Kemsley: I want to see this silly impression of a dinosaur that you do.
Lee McQueen: Of a reverse pterodactyl?
Paul Kemsley: I've got to see it.
Lee McQueen: Do you want to see it?
Paul Kemsley: Absolutely.
Lee McQueen: Unbelievable.
Paul Kemsley: Go on.
Lee McQueen: Okay-(he performs his reverse pterodactyl impression and then sits back down) Impressive?
Paul Kemsley: I don't think Sir Alan would be too impressed. I didn't find it funny but he definitely wouldn't.
Lee McQueen: No, and I wouldn't do a reverse pterodactyl in front of Sir Alan-
Paul Kemsley: Why don't you just say "No" then? This is a serious interview. It's a serious job.
- Bordan Tkachuk: (having listened to Claire for a long time) Okay, just hang on one second. Let me ask a question and give you time to breathe.
- Sir Alan Sugar: (to Claire after he fires Lucinda and has listened to her reason as to why she should stay) I'm gonna let you stay.
(to the other candidates)
In fact, I'm gonna let you all stay.
(sighs of relief from Helene and Lee)
And the reason for that, is because you're all very, very good candidates I think. You've all got something in you. And so, all four of you are in the final.
Week 1 [5.1]
- Sir Alan Sugar: This is job interview from hell. First prize, you get to work for me. Second prize, don't exist.
- Sir Alan Sugar: You think you can play and second guess me? Well let me tell you - I am as hard to play as a Stradivarius. And you lot, I can tell you, are as easy to play as bongo drums!
- Paula Jones: I wonder if we could clean people?
- Anita Shah: Well done, girls! We're in budget. (after spending all but £2.30 of their £200 budget)
- Margaret Mountford: Never before in the history of carwashing have so few cars been cleaned by so many people in such a long time.
- Mona Lewis: (holding a feather duster) What's this?
Yasmina Siadatan: It's a duster
- Sir Alan Sugar: (after Empire win the task) You look surprised.
Howard Ebison: Relieved.
- Ben Clarke: I've got a scholarship to Sandhurst.
Philip Taylor: Have you?
Ben Clarke: Yeah.
James McQuillan: (under his breath) Bloody hell.
(Philip looks unconvinced)
Philip Taylor: Did you go?
Ben Clarke: No.
Week 2 [5.2]
- Paula Jones: I don't think the food is up to scratch. It looks like it's come from a funeral at a working man's club.
- James McQuillan: I think he's going to take me into the boardroom and do you know what, I feel bloody hurt. It just shows the gratitude. I honesty feel like I did when my cat died. It's like a hurt inside.
- Sir Alan Sugar: (to James when questioning him on his CV) When you wake up in the morning you can taste success in your spit" is that right? ... What did you have, a curry last night?
- Sir Alan Sugar: (to James) Who do you think should get fired?
James McQuillan: Out of the three of us? I think you should fire the pair of them.
- Sir Alan Sugar: Rocky, you make sandwiches for a living, you've got these 15 shops, you employ 150 people... To come in with a loss is, inconceivable as far as I'm concerned.
Rocky Andrews: I'm embarrassed and very disappointed-
Sir Alan Sugar: Embarrassed?
Week 3 [5.3]
- Ben Clarke: I’m quite happy to go along the “sex sells” route with this one.
- Ben Clarke: I am the best looking.
- Ben Clarke: I would say Kim, clinically speaking would be considered obese. And James isn't obese, but you can tell he's not exactly fit. He could do with going for a few runs.
- Ben Clarke: (about James) He wasn't exactly Winston Churchill.
- Sir Alan Sugar: More like Churchill the nodding dog?
- Debra Barr: (back in the penthouse) I'm not really bothered whether you're successful or fail. Your failure's my success... not to be nasty.
- Sir Alan Sugar: Maj, general feeling among my two colleagues here is that you just hand around on the periphery. You don't actually do anything.
- Majid Nagra: Sir Alan, I totally disagree with that.
- Sir Alan Sugar: Well, I didn't expect you to agree with it, right?
- Majid Nagra: Yeah, of course, Sir Alan. But whatever James designated me within the team I did it. He never gave me a big enough role, I can't just turn around and say "James, oh by the way, I haven't got a big enough role. Can you give me a big role so I can stand up please?" I can't just do that.
Week 4 [5.4]
- Paula Jones: (unaware that she’s spent over £700 on luxury oils and fragrances) The cost of fragrance is naff all.
- Nick Hewer: How much do you think you've spent on fragrances?
- Yasmina Siadatan: I haven't got the figures in front of me, but...
- Nick Hewer: Was it not 450 grams of Sandalwood?
- (The team look stunned at this, as Sandalwood is extremely expensive)
- Yasmina Siadatan: No, half of 450...? Shit.
- Nick Hewer: Would it surprise you to know you've spent over £700 on fragrances? (Views the stunned team) Anyway, I'll leave it with you. (He leaves the room)
- Philip Taylor: I enjoy the odd cosmetic and from past experience with former girlfriends I've got a fair grasp of the market.
- Sir Alan Sugar: (to Paula’s excuse that she's no good with numbers) You know how to work out redundancy on a calculator, don't you?
- Ben Clarke: I've got a scholarship to Sandhurst.
- Noorul Choudhury:Right, okay! Um...
Howard Ebison: What are our options?
(even longer pause)
Margaret Mountford: (on Noorul's awful leadership) I think if it was left to Noorul, they wouldn't have done anything.
- Philip Taylor: Noorul's put me with Kimberly who's meant to be some marketing guru in her own little head, but she's dumb as a doorknob.
Week 5 [5.5]
- Kate Walsh: (aimed at Ben) No “sex sells” ideas. That's why I'm project manager for this task, there's no red bikinis coming out
- Philip Taylor: (after performing his Pantsman jingle in a London studio) One take, that's all I do, one take.
- Dru Masters: (after Philip’s performance) He's certainly got some confidence... He may think he's Bono.
- Mona Lewis: (to a confused audience of creative advertising executive) The slogan we've come up with is “Put your pants on the right way.” Not like a superhero, 'cos he's the only one allowed to get away with it. So basically when you eat our cereal you won't dress up like pants man 'cos you're not pants man, only pants man gets away with his pants over his clothes...
- James McQuillan: I feel like a monkey learning to use tools.
- Sir Alan Sugar: (Commenting on Ben's Pirate Voice) I thought I heard a hoarse Ian Paisley there.
- Sir Alan Sugar: (questioning the bright green box design) It wouldn’t have looked out of place in the fertilisers section or the cat food.
- Nick Hewer: (Referring to ignite's "Pantsman" idea in the boardroom) They took logic and tortured it until it screamed.
- Yasmina Siadatan: (normal voice) She's like, (in Kimberly's voice) "Today's my day! It's the day I've been waiting for! I'm gonna step up! You're gonna see my fight today!"
- Ben Clarke: (in the voice of Sir Alan) Ben! (Yasmina and Kate start laughing) I can't decide whether you alienate yourself, or your just no bleedin' good!
Kate Walsh: Did he actually say that?
Ben Clarke: (normal voice) Yeah.
(normal voice) Sir Alan, Sir Alan, I'm going to show you, I'm going to...
(In Sir Alan's voice) I've heard enough! You've nearly talked yourself out the bleedin' door! Just shut up!
(Kate and Yasmina carry on laughing)
Kate Walsh: I've never known anyone go into the boardroom, like very unlikely to get fired, and then ruin it so much for themselves.
Ben Clarke: (normal voice) Talk it.
Yasmina Siadatan: Just by talking.
Ben Clarke: Talk themselves into trouble.
Yasmina Siadatan: Trying to create the opposite effect.
Ben Clarke: Story of my life. Talk myself into trouble.
(All start laughing)
Ben Clarke: (In Sir Alan's voice on what he thinks the task will be) The British film industry brings in, a billion quid a year. And from that billion quid, half that revenue is used for purchasing bog roll for the box. You're gonna go today and make some bog roll. Happy bog-rolling! Off you go, with your dossier!
- Sir Alan Sugar: (to Philip) With all this bravado that you've got, when you soar like an eagle you know, you attract a hunter. And at the moment I feel like I've got a 12-bore shotgun in my hand, do you understand? Because you're coming across a little bit laid back and cocky to me so you tell me why I shouldn't fire you.
Phillip Taylor: Right, bottom line is I'm just a bloke from Durham who sells house with a big head. And what I'm saying is that none of these two can win this competition. They can't win it! I can win this!
Sir Alan Sugar: Who should get fired then?
Phillip Taylor: (to Kimberly despite his animosity with Lorraine) You know what? I think we've settled our differences with Lorraine, but I think you're that naive you've brought me back here I'm frankly disgusted. I think you should go.
Week 6 [5.6]
- Ben Clarke: I'm a natural born leader. Sandhurst clearly saw that in me.
- Noorul Choudhury: (at the end of his taxi interview) You haven't seen the last of me. You may have seen the last of Pants Man, but you certainly haven't seen the last of Noorul Choudhury.
- Sir Alan Sugar: You valued the skeleton, right?
Noorul Choudhury: Right.
Sir Alan Sugar: I'll tell you what, the bleeding skeleton could have done a better job than the lot of you! You got it valued at the right price, why did you sell it at that ridiculous price?
Nick Hewer: It probably wasn't going at all until Ben stepped in and closed the deal.
Noorul Choudhury: I disagree with the fact that you say that Ben closed the deal...
Nick Hewer: I'm sure of it.
Noorul Choudhury: I was in conversation with the guy the whole time...
Sir Alan Sugar: Ben, who closed the deal, you or him?
Ben Clarke: I just said, "will you take sixty quid," I just stepped in to get the job done.
Noorul Choudhury: The money did exchange in my hands.
Nick Hewer: (rolls eyes) Well, maybe it did. But he closed the deal.
Sir Alan Sugar: What, was you the cashier?
- Debra Barr: (snaps at a startled Nick Hewer) How can you say that Nick? How can you say that?
- Sir Alan Sugar: (to Debra) You find another way of addressing yourself, right? And stop talking to him like he’s a second class citizen.
- Ben Clarke: I think I'm going to bring back Noorul, and I think I'm also going to bring back... James.
Sir Alan Sugar: James?
James McQuillan: What?! [to Sir Alan] Ooh, sorry.
Ben Clarke: I don't know what exactly he contributed. But then again, I'm torn between James and Debra.
Debra Barr: Bring me in, mate! I'm well up for it. Take me in, and we can sit here and explain about this task.
Sir Alan Sugar: What have you picked on him [James] for?
Ben Clarke: I'm going to bring back Noorul and Debra. I was struggling to identify what exactly James had done...
Sir Alan Sugar: I hope you're bringing in people for the right reasons. I hope you're not thinking about James, that there might be a village missing an idiot somewhere.
- Sir Alan Sugar: (after his latest firing) I've got this feeling about Noorul. All I can say is, whoever employs him, better get a receipt.
- Margaret Mountford: This has to be one of the most, stupid activities they have yet engaged in!
- Sir Alan Sugar: I don't know what you're smiling for. A loss is a loss.
- Noorul Choudhury: You've seen that Ben is very volatile, the fact he doesn't let anyone speak. He comes across as rude, he comes across as arrogant...
Sir Alan Sugar: I know. I've noticed he speaks down to so many people I'm getting a rick in my neck looking up.
Noorul Choudhury: My vocal cords aren't as loud as Ben but I will know when to shut up but I also know when to defend myself. I think you also need to know is, ever since Ben, we've been into the penthouse all you've done is talk about "Ooh I wonder how many magazine deals I can do."
Ben Clarke: Absolutely not! I certainly haven't!
Noorul Choudhury: Oh, you have! Oh, you have! Oh, you have!
!Ben Clarke: That is a very unfair thing to bring up. Those are the signs of a desperate man!
Noorul Choudhury: Desperate? Ben, I'm being factual.
Sir Alan Sugar: I don't want to hear from anybody else now. But Ben, I'm worried you're a broken man.(Ben tries to speak up) I said I don't want to hear anything. Noorul, with all due respect I think you've been a bit lucky sometimes and some of your colleagues have in fact been outraged by the fact that you weren't brought into the boardroom on many occasions when they were, Debra I cannot put up with someone with a mouth like yours. But Noorul, I don't know what you've been doing here and I think you have escaped the radar. You're Fired!
Noorul Choudhury: (as he gets up to leave) Thanks for the opportunity.
Week 7 [5.7]
- James McQuillan: I did have a bit of bad luck in that everyone I rang up weren't interested or wasn't in. It just seems that if I started a funeral parlour, people would stop dying. That's the sort of bad luck I had today.
- Lorraine Tighe: I'm a little bit of a slow burner in terms of my thought process. I don't necessary get the idea immediately, but it will come...
- Nick Hewer: Frankly returning to London with no sales is a bit like the three of them popping into that cat plane and taking off to join the Battle of Britain. They ain't got a chance.
- Sir Alan Sugar: Listen, don't get impatient with me, Philip.
Philip Taylor: I'm not, Sir Alan, it's just that I can't seem to do anything right. I criticise Lorraine, and I get it in the neck. I win as project manager, and I get it in the neck. I can't do anything right!
Sir Alan Sugar: Listen, look! You know the Body Rocker thing? I dunno if this bleeding thing's gone to your head or what. Okay, you done well there, yeah. Okay. But that's it! One swallow don't make a summer, you understand? Since then, you ain't done that great, in my mind.
Philip Taylor: Well, I sold three items last week, Sir Alan!
Nick Hewer: Tell us about Pantsman.
- Sir Alan Sugar: Philip, I think I'm clearing my mind that your bravado and attitude ain't gonna fit in my organization. So Philip, You're Fired!
(Philip shakes his head as he gets up to leave)
Philip Taylor (under his breath): Joke!
- (Towards the end of the task, Ignite's sub-team of Phillip, Kate and Ben still have not sold anything. And the phone rings)
Philip Taylor: Oh no! No! Don't answer! Don't answer Ben! Please!
Ben Clarke: (initially hesitant) Let her wait?
Kate Walsh: (laughing) No, pick it up.
(Ben answers the phone)
Lorraine Tighe: (over the phone) Hi, how did you get on guys?
Ben Clarke: Erm Lorraine, I've got bad news for you.
Lorraine Tighe: What?
Ben Clarke: We still didn't sell anything.
Lorraine Tighe: Oh, no!
Week 8 [5.8]
- Mona Lewis: (meeting a pre-op in a gay bar) You're a boy and you're going to be a girl?
- James McQuillan: (directing the ‘gay’ actors for the Margate rebranding) Not so much of the suggestive licking either…we’re not shooting a porno.
- Sir Alan Sugar: (after Debra, James and Mona's arguments) You're putting on a great Punch and Judy show here.
Week 9 [5.9]
- James McQuillan: (on how he would have liked to have got through his wife's labour) 'I would have given anything to have had a Playstation with me to kill a bit of time...
- James McQuillan: (on the benefits of a home birth pool) The lid's open so the baby can jump out.
- James McQuillan: (on breast-feeding) The mother needs to be happy because if she's a bit anxious there's something in nature that switches off the tap in her breast.
- Sir Alan Sugar: (to Ben just before firing him) Stop going on about bloody Sandhurst, so what? I was in the Jewish Lad's Brigade, Stamford Hill Division, trainee bugler, but that didn't help me sell computers when I got older!
- Sir Alan Sugar: We had the Sandhurst group here before - and one of them couldn't cook sausages on a baked bean can! (a reference to Paul Callaghan from series 3).
- Sir Alan Sugar: (to Ben)I think the light at the end of the tunnel...(Ben shakes his head trying to convince Sir Alan not to fire him) has gone out. And I think Ben, it's time for you to leave this process. You're Fired!
Ben Clarke: Thank you very much for a wonderful opportunity Sir Alan.
Sir Alan Sugar: Okay? Off you go.
(Ben leaves the boardroom and goes to wait for his taxi. As he sits down he hits the chair)
Week 11 [5.11]
- Claude Littner: I've read through your CV and it's fair to say that it's exceptional. Exceptionally bad, that is.
- Claude Littner: When asked 'What do you do for living?' your answer is 'In a nutshell, I put a leash on people who spunk money up the wall'. Now do you really think that Sir Alan, as a serious businessman and entrepreneur, is going to want to hear that kind of language to a serious question? (In the same clip posted on the BBC website, the word "spunk" is not heard)
- James McQuillan: Claude, I need to make myself stand out from all those other thousands of people-
- Claude Littner: But not by being a prat! I could overlook it, perhaps, if it were an isolated incident. However, you then go on with your crassness. 'Why should you be Sir Alan's next apprentice?' 'I can bring ignorance to the table'.
- James McQuillan: I can.
- Claude Littner: (slight pause) You think...
- James McQuillan:It's a good style of ignorance...
- Claude Littner: Oh, don't be daft! I mean it's just...
- James McQuillan:It's an ignorance about-
- Claude Littner: The mistake you're making, James, is that you're trying to defend what's frankly indefensible.
- Claude Littner: If you don't know your own turnover, that's a pretty sad incitment, isn't it, of your business?
- James McQuillan: (after thanking Sir Alan he gets up and leaves the boardroom but before leaving he faces Sir Alan and the remaining candidates one last time) It's been brilliant!
(The remaining candidates begin to have tears in their eyes as he leaves)
- Lorraine Tighe: I think what I wanted to do was probably "May 08 to present"- but in my own mind, and this is why I'm here, is that I suppose I haven't fully succeeded in the way that I think I'm capable of and what I can do really.
- Karren Brady: Is that why you lied on the CV?
- (Lorraine's face falls)
- (After his interviews with Claude Littner and new interviewer Alan Watts, James joins Yasmina and Lorraine in a waiting area)
- James McQuillan: Bloody Hell!
- Yasmina Siadatan: What happened?
- James McQuillan: Um, how can I put this? I got turned inside out.
Week 12 [5.12]
- Sir Alan Sugar: (To James) Turns out I was Willy Wonka after all.
James Mcquillan: I think I've got Lorraine's gift.
- Sir Alan Sugar: Yasmina... you're hired!
Yasmina Siadatan: Thank you, Sir Alan! I'm going to be the best Apprentice ever!
Week 1 [6.1]
- Lord Sugar: I've read all your CV's and on paper you all look good, but so does fish and chips
- Lord Sugar: It's sink or swim and as you've learnt by now, I don't do life-jackets.
- Dan Harris: Come on! WHO IS DOING THE MINCING?
- Raleigh Addington: Lord Sugar, yesterday I was let down by a team leader who's like a bull in a china shop! He crashes into people, he upsets people.
(Chris and Alex look at him somewhat surprised)
He was so aggressive and such thuggish with other members of his team, he just shouts at us,he just doesn't let us get on with our jobs. He was always looking over my shoulder,
(Sir Alan, now Lord Sugar, also watches Raleigh surprised)
I wanted to sell things and I didn't get that opportunity! It wasn't fair, it was shameful!
- Stuart Baggs: Everything I touch turns to sold.
- Jamie Lester: It was cringeable.
- Stuart Baggs: Dan, how many sausages did you make yesterday?
Dan Harris: What I did was manage the team that produced eleven hundred sausages.
Stuart Baggs: [Pressing keys on an invisible calculator] So, that's on a calculator...nought,
- Stuart Baggs: If you give me a hundred grand a year, I will deliver to you ten times that and if I don't take it back. I'll give it back to you, a money back guarentee. I'm that confident. And that's why you shouldn't fire me Lord Sugar.
Lord Sugar: I had an offer like that from Nigeria once.
- Raleigh Addington: Nobody knew what their job was!
Dan Harris: EVERYBODY knew what their job was! If you had been listening, you would have known what your job was!
- (Wanting to sell some sausages, Dan approaches a hotel and presses the intercom)
Over the intercom: Hello?
Dan Harris: Hello. Want some sausages?
- Lord Sugar: I think you had your chance, you blew it. Dan, You're Fired!
- Shibby Robati: (on Dan Harris) First impressions: Non.
- Dan Harris: (to Shibby Robati) Shibby, what the fuck are you doing?!
- Karren Brady: You sold fourteen packs.
Stuart Baggs: (somewhat surprised) Fourteen packs?
Week 2 [6.2]
- Sir Alan Sugar: Three zeroes? That's a record... a terrible record.
Karren Brady: They refused exclusivity to the MAJOR high street retailer!
Nick Hewer: If one good thing came out of this, Stella kept this lot together[boys team] whist the girls were squabbling all over each other.
Sir Alan Sugar: See that Karren, that's women power right their.
Karren Brady: I've been telling you for years.
- Karren Brady:You are representing businesswomen today, one of which I am. And I have to say, it is outrageous the way you're behaving. 75% of my management team are women, and I've never come across anything like this. And I think you have to remember who you're representing in this process. Young women out there who want to have an opportunity to do this - you should be an example to them.
- Lord Sugar: (after Apollo's argument) This is like watching a bunch of bloody amateurs!
- Laura Moore: I'm going to bring back, Joanna and...
(about 7 seconds later)
I would like to bring back Sandeesh, sorry.
(Sandeesh scoffs Laura's choice)
- Lord Sugar: (to Joy) You're Fired!
Joy Stefanicki: Man!
- Stella English: (as she is modelling for the "Cuuli" towel) Don't look at me Nick! Just don't!
Week 3 [6.3]
- Karren Brady: How hard is it to stand with a megaphone and shout 'muffins'?
- Shibby Robati: I have two ears and one mouth, and I'm going to use them in that ratio.
- Paloma Vivanco: [to Shibby] I'm a businesswoman, and you're a joke!
- Lord Sugar: You'll be more accustomed to this than me Shibby, after I say to you that after a thorough examination I have got some bad news for you.
(After looking away from Lord Sugar for much of Lord Sugar's deliberations, Shibby looks up for a second, then looks down again for another second then back up again.)
Week 4 [6.4]
- Sandeesh Samra: Babies can't speak to you.
- Karren Brady: [to Melissa] The feedback was that you were very annoying.
- Melissa Cohen: [to Jamie and Stuart] Well done for ganging up on me. Horrible people.
- Melissa Cohen: Some people have set out to get me, and they've succeeded. Karmically, they will be retributed. The universe speaks louder than I do.
- Christopher Farrell: Call themselves salespeople? Bollocks!
- Melissa Cohen: There was no room for manoeuvrement!
- Lord Sugar: Stuart, you're young I know. But this is not kindergarten!
- Jamie Lester: (on what he thinks the task will be) Science Museum. So it's gonna be something to do with science, or museums.
Week 5 [6.5]
- Nick Hewer: Behind me, you can see Stella wearing a very short, sequinned, emerald green dress, waving at people from a window. Amsterdam, maybe, but not in Manchester.
- Alex Epstein: How about we tell people we opened the store today, and we've got Fearne Cotton and Alesha Dixon in the store?
Sandeesh Samra: Because that would be a lie?
- Lord Sugar: I don't like your last outbursts...and I don't like what I've seen across the table here today. You've talked yourself out of this. If you'd shut up a while back, it may be someone else going. Paloma, you're fired.
Week 6 [6.6]
- Alex Epstein: If I was an apple pie, the apples inside would be orange.
- Laura Moore: [suggesting a name for a cleaning product] Blitz?
Alex Epstein: The Blitz was a big bombing thing, wasn't it, years ago, like the Blitz in London?
Laura Moore: But 'blitz clean', that's a word that people use...
Alex Epstein: I think most people that were alive then are dead anyway.
- Stuart Baggs: Hasta la vista, gravy.
- Stuart Baggs: [gravelly American accent] Coming to a kitchen or bathroom near you. There'll be no mercy...only total devastation.
- Stuart Baggs: Influenza's going to be Cockney. [Cockney accent] 'Let's hide down 'ere. Dey won't find us down 'ere, mate.'
[take two, as Influenza] 'Don't worry, E.coli. Come an' 'ide down 'ere wiv me. No cleaner cleans this deep.' [whiny voice, as E.coli] 'Oh no, it's the Germ-o-nator! Urrrrgh!'
- Nick Hewer: The first time an octopus was mentioned, it was mentioned by the woman at the focus group, and as soon as she mentioned octopus, you were all over it like a tramp on chips.
- Lord Sugar: [on Apollo's final product] This thing is the most horrible thing I've seen in the bathroom since Psycho.
- Stuart Baggs: If Alex comes back, I will genuinely eat an item of clothing from every single one of you.
- Alex Epstein: WHEN!!
- Lord Sugar: (to Alex shortly before firing him) It is with regret that having given you the change and opportunity, Alex that I'm going to have to say to you, you're fired.
Alex Epstein: Nice to meet you Lord Sugar, likewise Nick and Karren. Thank you very much indeed.
Week 7 [6.7]
- Stuart Baggs: [while filming the backdrop at Brands Hatch] I have to rein in my extreme masculinity in this task.
- Nick Hewer: [Stuart Baggs'] leadership style leaves me trembling with irritation.
- Stella English: Lucky for us that you made so many screw-ups, because you could have actually won. You should have won.
- Stuart Baggs: [As Stella] "I can't do anything for myself, I need it all spoon fed to me. [starts making gestures] Where's my spoon? Where's my spoon?"
Week 8 [6.8]
- Stuart Baggs: I don't really want to introduce myself in German as then I'd be Herr Baggs.
- Lord Sugar: (after firing Christopher) I'm, sick and tired of looking at the pair of you. I don't want to see you in this boardroom again because it's getting untenable.
- Christopher Farrell: I tell you what. Get an extinguisher, and put me out!
Week 10 [6.10]
- Stuart Baggs: (Pleading to Lord Alan Sugar) If I work for you it's not going to be from 9 to 5, and I know some people think that. I'll be in the office weekends, even on a Sunday. I'll work for you 24/7.
Lord Sugar: I don't need a night watchman.
Stuart Baggs: Listen, I will make you so proud of me.
Lord Sugar: Uh, I hear your enthusiasm you know? Great enthusiasm. A fly's got enthusiasm but it doesn't stop headbutting the window!
Stuart Baggs: Ok, well since I've been in this process I've had 10 weeks and let me tell you, every night I've been thinking of new business ideas that I really want to develop. Let's start a new company, and not only will you be able to put me in an existing one, I can run one for you. I want you to wake up in the morning, and check the bank balance and think "He has made me millions" and I won't be happy with myself unless I've done that for you.
Lord Sugar: That is such outrageous promises that you can't guarantee!
Stuart Baggs: I’m not a one-trick pony. I’m not a ten-trick pony. I’ve got a field of ponies waiting to literally run towards this.
- Lord Sugar: (After Stuart Baggs' "over the top" pony plea) There you are ladies, there's a gentleman that's put his plea forward. He's going to make me millions of millions of pounds in a business that he doesn't know what we're gonna be in yet, and that's a hard one to counter don't you think?
- Jamie Lester: (To an audience of tourists) On our left is the River Thames. It's the second largest river in London.
- Jamie Lester: (To an audience of tourists) Straight ahead of you we've got Big Ben. The face of the clock is twenty diameters in width.
- Stuart Baggs: [trying to poach tourists from the other team]Hi guys, can I interest you in a tour?
Joanna Riley: What the hell is going on?
Chris Bates: Stuart, seriously, fuck off.
Stuart Baggs: Seriously, you fuck off, this is our pitch.
Chris Bates: It's not, this is the north area!
Stuart Baggs: Go on, hit me then.
Chris Bates: I'm not going to hit you, I'm just saying to get off our fucking patch!
Stuart Baggs: You mouth off, you mouth off, but why don't you back it up with something?
Chris Bates: Oh shut up, you fat twat. Why don't you fuck off down there? Fucking dickhead.
Stuart Baggs: That's not very professional, is it?
Joanna Riley: Just ignore him, he's not worth it!
Stuart Baggs: [to camera] It seems a bit weak if you've got to swear a lot, you know? Not very professional.
Week 11 [6.11]
- Claude Littner: (after Stuart puts his hand out to have it shaken)
Sir down please.
(reading from Stuart's CV) "I'm Stuart Baggs, The Brand"
Stuart Baggs: Yeah.
Claude Littner: What on Earth are you talking about?
Stuart Baggs: Well...
Claude Littner: You're a 21 year old kid. You're not a brand!
Stuart Baggs: Well I think, when you look at what a brand means, it is...
Claude Littner: No, don't tell me what a brand means, okay? You are not a brand, you're not a brand!
Stuart Baggs: I think I might be.
Claude Littner: Fine. Let's explore this a bit further then? Why would somebody, as successful, as innovative, as...
Stuart Baggs: Yeah?
Claude Littner: ...big a dreamer, as a brand, as you? Why would you want to have a job with Lord Sugar?
Stuart Baggs: Because at the minute, I'm a big fish in a small pond.
Claude Littner: You're not a big fish. You're not a big fish. You're not even a fish!
Stuart Baggs: (After the interview with Claude) Alright guys? Felt like I'd knocked on his door and said "Sorry Claude, I've run over your dog!"
- Lord Sugar: (to Stuart) The thing is, is that my four advisers looked at me in this boardroom earlier today. They said to me that... you're full of shit, basically. And, possibly, you have been, throughout the whole course of this process. And do you know what annoys me even more Stuart? What annoys me more, that if I've misunderstood you with your claims and everything else that you've said that you've done, and someone like Liz last week left the process, I feel even further sick.
Stuart Baggs: Mm-hm.
Stuart Baggs:Well, it's not the case...
Lord Sugar: Well it is the bloody case!
Stuart Baggs: (pleading to Lord Sugar one last time) I can show you, everything I've done.
Lord Sugar: No, I don't believe a word you say, Stuart now. I'm annoyed with myself Stuart, I'm annoyed with myself that you have been allowed to come this far through the process and that is the first time that this weakness has come out. I'm annoyed with myself. Stuart, you are fired!
Stuart Baggs: (accepting defeat) Thanks for the opportunity Lord Sugar.
(Having witnessed what he has seen, Chris pulls on his shirt collar as Stuart leaves the boardroom in disgrace)
- (After listening to Lord Sugar's condemnation of Stuart the remaining candidates show signs of relief in particular Chris and Jamie. Chris feels his shirt collar whilst Jamie sighs with relief.)
Lord Sugar: (carrying on the boardroom as if Stuart never existed) Well, we're down to the last four. Two more people are going to leave the process today.
- Margaret Mountford: If I asked "What is the most interesting thing about you?" "I own three properties in the UK, two in Cyprus and a Porsche all before the age of 25. Did I mention I have a third nipple?"
Jamie Lester: Third nipple! (laughs)
Margaret Mountford: Yes. You're laughing! I'm not!. One or two pages later on, "What's the worst lie you've ever told?" "That I have a third nipple!" Is that supposed to make me laugh?
Jamie Lester: No, it's just...
Margaret Mountford: Think of a word that applies to that statement.
Jamie Lester: Stupid.
Margaret Mountford: Puerile!
- Lord Sugar: (to Jamie before firing him) Jamie, I think you've come to the end of the road. I'm letting you go. Jamie, You're Fired.
- Bordan Tkachuk: Stuart, you're blagging to me. I know what ISP is. It's an Internet Service Protocol. And that's what you're providing. It's not a telecoms operating licence. It's a protocol that allows telecoms over bandwidths. (in reality the "P" in ISP stands for "Provider")
Week 12 [6.12]
- Stella English: I think I have the passion that Chris doesn't have.
- Chris Bates: Hang on, if you're going to talk about me, I'll talk about you!
Week 1 [7.1]
- Melody Hossaini: Don't tell me the sky's the limit when there are footprints on the moon.
- Jim Eastwood: I believe I can be the champion thoroughbred that this process requires.
- Leon Doyle: I don’t like your gimmicky salesman who thinks he can sell ice to an Eskimo. Chances are he probably can’t, and why would an Eskimo buy ice?
- Felicity Jackson: Lord Sugar will probably find it difficult to ever say anything negative to me, because I always turn it round to a positive.
- Vincent Disneur: I’m best of breed within my industry. I’ve got plenty of charisma and, yeah, I’m not bad-looking.
- Edna Agbarha: I seek out pain rather than pleasure. A limp handshake is unforgivable.
- Tom Pellereau: (whips off glasses) Underneath these glasses is a core of steel.
- Lord Sugar: (on the change of format) It's not going to be about having a six-figure salary job with me. It's going to be about you providing your own salary. I'm going to inject £250,000 into a business, your busines. And, you're gonna run it.
- Lord Sugar: Ed, you were trained at one of the leading accountancy firms in the country, I believe. Is that right?
Edward Hunter: Don't fit the mould.
Lord Sugar: I beg your pardon?
Edward Hunter: I don't fit the mould.
Lord Sugar: I didn't ask you that question, I said you were trained by one of the leading accountancy companies.
Edward Hunter: I was.
Lord Sugar: So, you would have had insight and vision into how companies are run, because you audited them a couple of times, yeah?
Edward Hunter: It's all there.
Lord Sugar: I beg your pardon?
Edward Hunter: It's all there. All my experience is with me.
Lord Sugar: Can you stop talking to me in semaphore? We're not sending each other text messages, here.
- Edward Hunter: Lord Sugar, my business plan and my strategy, different, very different. Bottom-up, not top down, because I didn't know how many we was gonna sell. Didn't wanna speculate. I didn't know what I was gonna sell it for. Didn't want to speculate.
Lord Sugar: But you must have had some idea...
Edward Hunter: When I was producing, that was production, and the selling was gonna take care of itself.
Lord Sugar: Look, let's cut the crap here. I asked you a simple bloody question. Have you worked out how much you're gonna sell them for? Simple as that! A yes or no answer, not "I'm thinking about it as we go along, as we're squeezing I'm thinking about what price I'm gonna sell it for."
Edward Hunter: The sales price was something we could change just like that.
Vincent Disneur: This is completely wrong. What we did was, we worked out... let me explain it, I know how this works. Edward's not doing it right.
Lord Sugar: Oh, he's not?
- Lord Sugar: (to Nick and Karren) Edward, he reminds me of a very slow internet line. You have to wait, and you see him ticking over.
- Edward Hunter: Not only am I the youngest person on this team...
Gavin Winstanley: Well done! Great!
Edward Hunter: ...I'm also the shortest! (Gavin, Leon and Lord Sugar laugh at Edward)
- Lord Sugar: You said on your resume that "I'm Lord Sugar's dream." With all due respect, you've been a bit of a nightmare. And so I'm gonna have to say to you, Edward, you're fired. (Edward stands up and starts to leave. As he goes to leave he stands by the door just as he goes out and faces Lord Sugar once more) Just learn from this, Edward. There's no shame in being an accountant, don't ever, ever run yourself down as far as that's concerned. (Edward turns away and goes out the door)
- Edward Hunter: I handpicked Jim, 'cause I knew he was the man to lead the soup team.
Lord Sugar:You knew he was a "soupman" did you?
Edward Hunter: He's super.
- Vincent Disneur: (holding an orange) Is this an orange?
Edward Hunter: I dunno.
- Tom Pellereau: I think the main problem is Edward. He's trying incredibly hard to show that he's not an accountant, he's not the accounting model. And unfortunately I think he left a lot of the good parts of the accountancy at the door when he came in-
Lord Sugar: That's the most sensible answer I've heard here today.
Week 2 [7.2]
- Alex Britez Cabral: (putting on a Welsh accent) I was just passing through the valley! I do love being on the farm.
- Glenn Ward: (in a Scouse accent) How's your wife and my kids?
- Jim Eastwood: (to Alex) My contribution is more positive than negative. Yours is nada.
- Leon Doyle: Based on the feedback I've been hearing today, I'd like to bring back Alex, and Jim
Lord Sugar: Alex and Jim
Jim Eastwood: Well, it's interesting he chose myself and Alex. There's actually a few fall guys; Vincent fluffed his speech and I had to save the day, and I don't fluff speeches. Glenn, designed the app that turned out to be, Crap! On two tasks in, I've given a hundred percent effort.
Leon Doyle: Jim has done a sterling job and...
Jim Eastwood: Well then, I'm not the person you should be bringing back in if you agree that I've done a sterling job side so you need to change your decision.
(stunned look from Lord Sugar)
Leon Doyle: So on the basis of Jim's dealings here if, I mean do you want me to change it?
Jim Eastwood: Change!
Lord Sugar: I'm asking you, you're the man, you're bringing back in here....
Jim Eastwood: It's obvious!
Leon Doyle: Yeah it's obvious. Okay... There's a potential it could be down to the concept, so...(looks down the left hand side of the boardroom then faces Lord Sugar again) Okay. On the basis of the failing of this task is down to the app I'm going to bring in Glenn.(stunned look from Glenn)
Glenn Ward: You want to bring me back? I don't think you should, because...
Leon Doyle: Listen Glenn...
Jim Eastwood: It's done and agreed.
Glenn Ward: I don't think you should. What do you think Jim? Do you think I should be back here?
Jim Eastwood: The PM's made a decision, I highlighted who I thought made flaws, who made mistakes and he's chosen you.
Glenn Ward: Well, I know... I think it should be Tom...
Lord Sugar: Okay, but listen, the point is he makes the final decision. I want to get home tonight, Speak!
Leon Doyle: This is my final decision.
Lord Sugar: Right, okay. The rest of you, you've lost. You shouldn't have lost this task. Go back to the house, the other three of you, go wait outside and I'll call you back in shortly.
- (A recording session for the introduction of Slang-a-tang)
Vincent Disneur: Slang-
Jim Eastwood: A-
Alex Britez Cabral: Tang.
- Ellie Read, Helen Milligan, Susan Ma and Melody Hossaini: (during a recording session) MOOOOO!
(all break down laughing)
Melody Hossaini: (while the others are laughing) We are serious businesswomen!
- Lord Sugar: (during his boardroom deliberations) Alex, you're certainly a good talker but I'm not thinking of starting a business writing speeches.
- Glenn Ward: Alex? Yes. Sorry, I always forget him.
- Glenn Ward: (to Leon after they return to the house) You bottled it!
Week 3 [7.3]
- Jim Eastwood: I’m an Irish bulldozer of charm.
- Gavin Winstanley: So just to confirm - a cloche is definitely like a little greenhouse, is that right?
- Jim Eastwood: I don’t know what rapport is. If I knew, I’d bottle it and sell it.
- Ellie Reed: (on Vincent) He’s what I call in my industry a bit of a wide boy – a Billy Bullshit.
- Gavin Winstanley: (also on Vincent) He couldn’t run a bath, honestly.
- Vincent Disneur: Vincent makes all the calls. Vincent closes all the meetings.
- Lord Sugar: (to Vincent) I know you’re Belgian and that’s where the waffles come from, but…
- Felicity Jackson: They wouldn't even take a penny off! A penny!
- Cashier: £189.50.
Susan Ma: It's actually for a very important client...
Cashier: How would that make a difference to me?
- (After Lord Sugar fires Gsvin, he sends Zoe and Vincent back to the house. Outside, they console him while Nick and Karren discuss further reasons in the boardroom)
Nick Hewer: Foolish loss. He just couldn't control them.
Karren Brady: And I think they're clear now that there's no hiding place.
Week 4 [7.4]
- Leon Doyle: (to a female customer) We can get you naked and spray you.
- Vincent Disneur: You've got nice hair. Would you like a free massage?
- Susan Ma: What’s at the British museum? Just, like, dinosaurs and stuff?
- Karren Brady: (on Natasha) She comes in here, she talks the talk. All of the things she says that she saw, she noticed, she would have done differently – it’s all talk.
- Lord Sugar: Felicity, all you've told me since you've been in this boardroom today is that "The team agreed this, the team agreed that and the team agreed..." Well look, the person I'm looking for to go into business with me, there ain't no team. That person is on their own.
- Nick Hewer: I wouldn't gas about it. I'd get on with it.
- Felicity Jackson: Due to not selling enough, my next person will be Natasha
Lord Sugar: Right.
(slight pause. And then...)
Natasha Scribbins: I sold more than...Jim.
(Jim gives Natasha an evil look)
Week 5 [7.5]
- Vincent Disneur: What I thought we could do is have some sort of advert where you’ve got the old-school labrador that everybody loves, and you’ve got the It Boy pug. When you get them together, they don’t like each other too much, but at the end they become pals. And that would be the name of the brand: Pals.
Ellie Reed: Pal is already a name.
Tom Pellereau: It’s the second biggest dog food brand in the world.
Vincent Disneur: Is it?
Tom Pellereau: If not the first.
- Vincent Disneur: (to a dog owner, while filming the advert) Can we have the dog on all fours?
Dog owner: On all fours?
Vincent Disneur: You know, on all fours, rather than sitting down.
Dog owner: Do you mean standing up?
Vincent Disneur: Yeah, standing up.
- [after Team Logic's fifth successive loss]
Lord Sugar: You know, I had a dream recently. I dreamt that one day I came into the boardroom and you lot weren't here.
- Lord Sugar: (to Jim) I don't know whether you're made of brains or bollocks.
- Lord Sugar: This Jim, he seems to have some kind of control over people. I don’t know why.
- Lord Sugar: (to Vincent) With your track record at Logic, I suppose Winalot was not on the agenda, really.
- Natasha Scribbins: (to Vincent) Tom’s voice was not heard 'cause you were so far up Jim’s behind, you couldn’t see the wood for the trees!
- Lord Sugar: I haven't seen much of you, Ellie. I don't think I can go into business with you, so I'm going to tell you that you're fired.
Ellie Reed: Okay.
[Ellie gets up and leaves. Lord Sugar turns to face Vincent]
Lord Sugar: Vincent, I've got a feeling that you're too in awe of other people, and I think you're playing a bit of a risky game by strategising and bringing in the wrong people, so I think a message needs to go back. Vincent, you're also fired.
- Lord Sugar: (after Logic have their fifth consecutive loss) Never mind "Logic" you should be branded "Tragic"!
Week 6 [7.6]
- Edna Agbarha: To some extent, I've been in both camps. I've been the brains and I've been the brawn as well.
- Natasha Scribbins: Melody just turned to me and just basically got a big plate of blame and went “There you go. Fancy a bite?”
- Susan Ma: Zoe made so many bad decisions on this task. She was just sad and pessimistic, with a horrible attitude throughout the task. I never ever want to work with her again.
- Lord Sugar: My disposals get taken away in the back of a taxi.
- Melody Hossaini: It felt so good yesterday to see dirt on me, to see my fingernails dusty, to see dust in my eyes.
- Nick Hewer: There’s never any meat in it. That’s the problem – it’s just waffle.
- Edna Agbarha: I train chief executives how to be better at their job. A person who has a budget of £5bn, I'm the individual who does the assessment on that particular person and his leadership team and I teach them how to be even better at their jobs.
Nick Hewer: (to Lord Sugar) Do you need training?
Lord Sugar: I don't think so.
- Jim Eastwood: (through a microphone as Tom Pellereau looks on disapprovingly) Number 73! House Number 73! With the skip outside! (no response) Hello? (Still no response. Jim tries again more doubtfully) Hello?
Week 7 [7.7]
- Natasha Scribbins: Lads’ magazines are about lads, yeah?
- Natasha Scribbins: What we need to bear in mind is that our focus group was quite focused.
- Nick Hewer: Trying to nail anything on Jim is a bit like trying to nail jelly to a wall.
- Jim Eastwood: (to Susan) I actually think you’re just marginally worse than Glenn.
- Jim Eastwood: It looks as if we're all trying to shoot Bambi.
Lord Sugar: Er, It was actually Bambi's mother that got shot.
- Lord Sugar: I have never yet come across an engineer that can turn his hand to business.
- Jim Eastwood: May I speak Lord Sugar?
Lord Sugar: No you mustn't, not anymore. I'm sick and tired of it.
Week 8 [7.8]
- Susan Ma: Are the French really fond of their children? Do the French go camping? I know nothing about the French and their culture.
- Karren Brady: You don’t have to be have been in France to answer the question, “Do the French like their children?” That really is beyond stupid.
- Susan Ma: Do a lot of people drive in France.
- Jim Eastwood: Could you sell this type of small petit object?
- Leon Doyle: I drew a picture of a teapot with a light. (pause) I took a back seat but I don’t want to say back seat, I was on the ground.
- Lord Sugar: (on Melody) She’ll tread over anybody. She’ll eat them up and spit them out for her breakfast. That’s what I like about her.
- Nick Hewer: (on Tom and Leon) I think it's about time that both Leon and Tom actually started to stand up for themselves and started being a bit more manly frankly.
- Nick Hewer: (on one of Team Logic's sales) As they say in Europe: "Nil Points." Nothing.
Week 9 [7.9]
- Nick Hewer: Zoe slapped down Susan a couple of times, [just] as somebody slaps down a yapping puppy.
- Susan Ma: (on Zoe) On a personal level, she’s one of the bitchiest and most back-stabbing people I’ve ever met.
- Natasha Scribbins: It's an anytime treat, for after school.
- Zoe Beresford: Melody is a nightmare to work with. She’s come up with this one idea, and she’s pushing it and pushing it and pushing it. I don't like it, Susie doesn't like it and Tom doesn't like it. I can imagine that in the focus group, she would have talked them to death until they all held up a white flag and say “Yes, we’ll go with the bloody heart.”
- Lord Sugar: If someone can't actually perform in the business that they're in, they're not going to be able to perform with me. Zoe, you're fired.
Week 10 [7.10]
- Jim Eastwood: Alright, ladies, come to Papa.
- Nick Hewer: (on Jim) I’ve never seen such an abundance of baloney. He’s good fun, people like him, and I quite like him now for the first time.
- Jim Eastwood: It's very difficult to push treacle up a hill.
- Nick Hewer: They've sold their three nodding doggies... to three unsuspecting people of appalling taste. Time to get some more. Woof! Woof!
- Lord Sugar: (to Tom) If you nod your head any longer, I'm going to put you on the back seat of my bloody car.
- Nick Hewer: (to Jim, who is Irish) I don't know whether you kissed the Blarney Stone or swallowed it whole, but you were a tour de force.
- Karren Brady: (to Lord Sugar) I think if you went into business with Melody, your board meetings would be a very, very long affair.
- Tom Pellereau: Melody runs a business which, unsurprisingly, is all to do with talking.
- Jim Eastwood: I have twenty three umbrellas, and ironically twenty three minutes left!
- Lord Sugar: It is with regret...
(Tom shakes his head, believing he is going to be fired)
Melody, that You're Fired.
Melody Hossaini: (on the brink of tears) Thank you Lord Sugar! Nick, Karren!
(As Melody leaves, Tom holds his head in his hand in relief)
- Lord Sugar: (after Venture 'win' the task) I had a treat lined up for you by helicopter down to Goodwood and then ride around in some vintage cars (Slight smile from Susan while Natasha and Jim see what's coming...) but you can forget that. You've won okay? But there's no balls, no guts, no re-investment. Just get back to the house and I'll see you on the next task.
Week 11 [7.11]
- Tom Pellereau: (on MyPy) It’s either utter madness or complete genius.
- Tom Pellereau: Didn't Christopher Columbus discover the potato?
- Nick Hewer: Columbus, he's British?
Tom Pellereau: You're kidding.
- Jim Eastwood: The girls didn’t play ball – throwing toys out of the pram. I was like Mother Teresa, as opposed to project manager.
- Karren Brady: You need a sieve with Susan, because you have to work out what stuff is meaningful and what is meaningless.
Week 12 [7.12]
- Helen Milligan: (when asked to tell a joke by Mike Soutar) A fish is swimming along and he swims straight into something and he goes “Oh, dam.”
- Margaret Mountford: (to Jim) I must say, I’ve never seen a longer application form. “I’m not a show pony, or a one-trick pony, or a wild stallion that needs to be tamed, or even a stubborn mule. I believe I can become the champion thoroughbred that this process requires.” What impression does that give me of you – that you’re a bit of an ass?
- Jim Eastwood: (on being asked by Margaret to summarise himself without resorting to clichés) I am exactly what it says on the tin.
- Lord Sugar: Tom, maybe there is some legs in offering a chair.
- Claude Littner: You haven't got one error. It's full of errors. There's not a single number that adds across correctly!
- Lord Sugar: Tom, you are gonna become my business partner. Tom, you're hired!
Tom Pellerau: (quietly) Brilliant!
Helen Milligan: (also quietly) Well done Tom.
Tom Pellerau: Thank you Lord Sugar.
(Tom leaves the Viglen building and as he does so he runs forward slightly and punches the sky)
(He claps his hands in victory)
(as he approaches Lord Sugar's Rolls-Royce, Tom takes his glasses off and gives one more celebratory gesture)
- Helen Milligan: (After Susan returns to the house) Oh my god! Is it just you?!
Jim Eastwood: Did anyone order a final four?
Week 1 [8.1]
- Ricky Martin: When it comes to business, I’m like a shark. I’m right at the top of the food chain. I truly am the reflection of perfection.
- Katie Wright: I would call myself ‘The Blonde Assassin’. I let people underestimate me just so I can blow them out of the water.
- Stephen Brady: I do believe business is actually very, very simple, and it is made complicated by idiots.
- Azhar Siddique: They call me the Master Puppeteer, because I have a habit of pulling people’s strings.
- Katie Wright: Bilyana did me the biggest favour in the world because she buried herself. I owe her a drink, to be honest.
- (Lord Sugar brings out some products made by the girls team Sterling including a bag with penguins drawn on it. As he looks at it, Jade's face falls)
Lord Sugar: That's very good!
- Lord Sugar: (having listened to Bilyana giving reasons why she should stay) Listen, I don't want to hear about your life.
Bilyana Apostolova: I'm just...
Lord Suagr: Lots of people got great stories to tell me. I don't want to bring out the violin and listen to your sob story.
- Lord Sugar: Is everything clear?
The candidates: Yes, Lord Sugar.
(Lord Sugar soon turns to Michael)
Lord Sugar: You look like your sweating. You're not nervous, are you?
Michael Copp: No, not at all. Not really.
Lord Sugar: (unconvinced) You sure?
Week 3 [8.3]
- Adam Corbally: Okay Katie, I'd officially like to welcome you to team Phoenix.
Katie Wright: (as Adam shakes her hand) Why, thank you Adam.
Adam Corbally: We do things a bit different around here, like winning.
- Jane McEoy: (to Duane as he tries the chutney) Don't! You'll blow your head off!
(Duane tastes the chutney as the other girls, particularly Jenna and Laura, watch concerned)
Duane Bryan: That's absolutely perfect. And even though we've... even...(coughs as the chutney he made gives off such a strong scent and taste. He later leaves the chutney pan and keeps on coughing)
- Azhar Siddique: What I'll do is I'll lead the piss-pitch in this next one.
- (Towards the end of the task, Katie rings Michael's sub team, he tells her that they have left-over stock)
Katie Wright, Ricky Martin and Stephen Brady: What?!
(various acts of surprise from Ricky and Stephen)
Katie Wright: We've sold everything!
Michael Copp: Really? That's wicked, how did you do that?
Week 4 [8.4]
- Duane Bryan: There is a well-known expression, don't look a gift horse in the eye.
Week 6 [8.6]
- Katie Wright: I go to football games, it's £6 a burger...
Lord Sugar: £6 a burger? Where do you go? Chelsea?
- Jenna Whittingham: (to Laura who is Scottish) Do you think that people like, speak a Scottish language? Like just a pure Scottish language? What if someone comes to the stand and they speak Scottish to us? Will you be able to know what they're saying?
Laura Hogg: (laughing) My god, Jenna! Stop!
- (before the task briefing Adam and Ricky simulate a race on the Wii. Ricky tries to push Adam off his tracks while Adam tries to do the same to Ricky. A few minutes later Jade plays on the Wii as the other candidates watch. Laura is also about to have a go on the Wii until Azhar says to them...)
Azhar Siddique: Guys!
(Azhar opens the door to the house lounge and Lord Sugar enters)
Lord Sugar: Hello.
(shocked look from Laura. The other candidates then divide into their two teams and prepare for the task briefing)
Week 7 [8.7]
- Azhar Siddique: (on the phone) Sorry. Very quickly Jade, just run me through the strategy again.
- Adam Corbally: How many times does he want us to run him through the strategy?
- Azhar Siddique: (to the camera) Without strategy, you know, you're running blind into the dark.
Week 9 [8.9]
- Adam Corbally: (Sniffing some English wine) You can smell Christmas cake.
- Tom Gearing: (while visibly drunk) I've enjoyed myself thoroughly today. It's been a great day, me and Adam have had a lot of fun. We've really gotten to grips with the English wine sparkling... sorry, really got to grips with English wine... sparking...
- Lord Sugar: (on Jenna's disastrous video advert) I know you're out there trying to impress me, and I also know I might remind you a little of Sid James, but I didn't ask you to make a Carry On Boozing movie. I was expecting any one moment there, Kenneth Williams to pop in and say "Ooh, maître d’, where's me Grandeur gone? Someone's nicked me Grandeur!" It's a total bloody joke! I don't know what you were thinking!
- Lord Sugar: Stephen, you are this close to going outside that door!
Stephen Brady: If I was project manager again, I would definitely deliver another victory and most importantly...
Lord Sugar: Definitely?
Stephen Brady: I would definitely deliver another victory, I'd actually put my, erm, well put anything that I have on me right now on that...
Lord Sugar: You've thrown the gauntlet down. You are the project manager next, and I expect you to win!
Week 10 [8.10]
- Gabrielle Omar: Can you let me finish, please?
- Stephen Brady: Of course, but speak about you.
- Ricky Martin: Steve, stop being so condescending.
- Lord Sugar: (To Stephen moments before firing him) You asked me for the chance to be the Project Manager, I gave you the chance. You told me you were going to win, you didn't win. You lost!
Week 11 [8.11]
- Lord Sugar: (to Adam Corbally before firing him)I think it's time for you to leave this process(Smile from Adam) You're Fired!
Adam Corbally: Thank you Lord Sugar!
Lord Sugar: I wish you all the best Adam. And I hope you do very well.
Adam Corbally:Thank you very much.
Lord Sugar: And keep in touch.
Adam Corbally: (before he leaves) If you ever need a salesman, you know where I am!
Week 12 [8.12]
- Claude Litter: (having listened to Nick's explanation of his website) Do I care?
- Mike Soutar: One of the things I found flawed in [Jade's] business plan was that one of the websites she owned was still available for anyone to go and buy...so I did.
- Nick Holzherr: It's like being under fire! It's like being in a warzone!
- Mike Soutar: It all seems a bit show business than real business. Do you think that people take you less seriously in business because they can't stop imagining you in a pair of lycra pants?
- Matthew Riley: Are you smoking something? Get on with that business! What on earth are you doing?! What are you even doing sat here?!
- Claude Littner: The trouble is, you're an arrogant...fool. However, I read your business plan. And, I was quite impressed.
Ricky Martin: Thank you Claude.
Claude Littner: I think it was interesting, I think it was well written. So it just puzzles me how you can write such nonsense, such rubbish...
- Mike Soutar: I have a glowing employment reference here and I'm going to read it out to you.
(reading from the reference)
"What is very evident is Tom's natural ability to focus on the challenge and to deliver results..."
It goes on.
"I do firmly believe you have an excellent "Apprentice" who truly has the skill sets to deliver." That's pretty good stuff isn't it?
Tom Gearing: I'd say so, yeah.
Mike Soutar: Who do you think said that?
Tom Gearing: I'm not sure, not sure at all.
(As he replies, Mike smiles)
- Mike Soutar: How much of your business plan did your father write?
Tom Gearing: He didn't write any of it.
Mike Soutar: None of it at all?
- Jade Nash: (after an interview) Absolutely slaughtered!
Week 1 [9.1]
- Jaz Ampaw-Farr: Aw, man!
- Lord Sugar: I am not 'man'. I am Lord Sugar.
- Lord Sugar: Ladies, whose gonna be the project manager?
Jaz Ampaw-Farr: I am!
- Lord Sugar: I've got a pile of CVs here. It's full of the usual BS! I'm sick and tired of that bloody rubbish to be quite honest with you, 'cause actions speak louder than words!
- Zeeshaan Shah: Let me speak to him!
Neil Clough: It's alright guys. Thank you. (he hangs up)
Zeeshaan Shah: (taking the phone off Neil) Listen! I need to speak to him! Do you not understand that?! I said it about seven times mate!
Neil Clough: Listen! Listen! What do you want to say?
Zeeshaan Shah: I said it seven times!
Tim Stillwell:He's still there...
Zeeshaan Shah: (to Neil) I want to tell them where to sell those jackets!
Neil Clough: Zee! Zee! Listen to me...
Zeeshaan Shah: When I'm saying something seven times...
Neil Clough: Why are you shouting?
Zeeshaan Shah: Because I said something seven times...
Neil Clough: Alright, well here's the eighth time! Ring them back.
Zeeshaan Shah: Yeah, they're here. Hello?
- Leah Totton: I'm the person who knows the most about the costs. I should do the next sale.
Luisa Zissman: I do this every day. I run three businesses, all of which are sales.
Leah Totton: This is huge...
Luisa Zissman: No offense but you're a doctor.
Leah Totton: You cannot possibly say that! You can't possibly say that!
Luisa Zissman: I should do it.
Leah Totton: I really don't think you should.
Luisa Zissman: Why not?
Leah Totton: Because I think I'll be better.
Luisa Zissman: Why do you think you'll be better?
Leah Totton: Because I know the figures. Do you know the figures?
Luisa Zissman: Well, you've got them written down so all I have to do is to look at them.
Leah Totton: And you'll memorize them in that time?
Luisa Zissman: Yeah, I think I can memorize a few figures.
Week 2 [9.2]
- Neil Clough: Behind every good project manager there's a Neil Clough.
- Alex Mills: Jason, will you be quiet you silly shit?!
- Lord Sugar: How do you send people to a brewery that don't drink? In Zee's case particularly, he is as dry as a cream cracker in the bleeding Sahara Desert!
- Lord Sugar: I'm sitting here thinking to myself, you're all a bloody waste of space at the moment. I mean, the basic fundamentals; counting, calculations, locations, where you are going to sell. These are very elementary things.
- Lord Sugar: This is simple multiplications, it is not rocket science.
Week 3 [9.3]
- Jason Leech: Not you Jordan, somebody average size!
- Lord Sugar: (commenting on a poorly designed piece of furniture that the girl's team failed to sell) Functional, yes. Functional in the sense that it's easy to wheel it out to the skip to throw it away!
- (Before the task briefing at the location where the candidates were told Lord Sugar wanted to meet them)
Lord Sugar: Good evening. (echoes)
The candidates: Good evening, Lord Sugar. (echoes)
- Uzma Yakoob: I'm in the look good industry.
Lord Sugar: That don't look good! Tidy-sidy, wishy-washy, poxy-boxy!
- Karren Brady: Well you did say was the product had to be glueless.
Lord Sugar: Glueless? More like bloody clueless!
- Nick Hewer: (on Kurt's recycling chair) I've never come across such a revolting idea!
- (After the task and collecting the results)
Karren Brady: (to Evolve) They really liked your pitch...
(Natalie and a few others smile while Endeavour look doubtful)
And they really liked you guys...
They hated the product.
(Natalie's face falls. Similarly most of Evolve also show looks of devastation particularly Leah, Luisa and Francesca)
And they didn't place any orders.
(Whilst Evolve are shockeld that they lost, Endeavour show signs of celebration)
Week 4 [9.4]
- Alex Mills: (holding up a bunch of carrots) What are these?
- Neil Clough: Kurt should be fired for the failure of this task!
Kurt Wilson: Why am I the failure of the task?
Week 5 [9.5]
- Alex Mills: Fresh viagra? I don't need any of that, I'm from Wales!
- Zeeshaan Shah: I know Dubai like the back of my hand.
- Lord Sugar: I hope you weren't wearing a pair of gloves.
- Lord Sugar: Thank God I didn't send you out to buy 20 camels, you'd come back with a packet of fags!
- Lord Sugar: (upon seeing Endeavour's flag) Looks like a blooming napkin!
Kurt Wilson: I agree with it. I made myself look like an idiot.
- Zeeshaan Shah: Oud is a perfume!
Alex Mills: Zee, listen sunshine it's not! O-U-D-H is a perfume!
- Natalie Panayi: (upon seeing the flag that isn't 6ft) That's...not six foot.
Zeeshaan Shah: That's not six foot!
Flag stitcher: Forty two centimeters by...seventy two centimeters?
(Zeeshaan looks at Kurt who tries to work out the sum in his head)
- Lord Sugar: (moments before firing Zeeshaan) Zee, your idea of going into business with me is going to do with international trading and real estate. And you've just demonstrated that you can't deal internationally!
- Alex Mills: (on Zeeshaan) We've had know-it-all come in, thinks he knows it all, he's about as much use as a chocolate teapot.
- Jason Leech: (in an "Arabic" accent to an Emirati person while miming) You put a hat on it so it does not see. Like an eagle, a big bird. And you put it on your arm and it flies away.
Week 6 [9.6]
- Leah Totton: We put Alex in a Sergeant-Major role-
- Alex Mills: Colonel.
- Alex Mills: IS THIS THE BEST I CAN SEE?!
- Francesca Macduff-Varley: You're talking to three people leading from the corperate world and you're telling them you don't like what they do?
- Luisa Zissman: But these are successful people because they don't talk a load of crap to people.
- Karren Brady: You might find that a rough attitude when you go in front of a bank asking for investment in your business.
- Neil Clough: (after Endeavour win the task and on their treat) How does it feel to be on a winning team, Natalie?
- Natalie Panayi: If this is what all the treats are like, amazing!
Week 7 [9.7]
- Kurt Wilson: (referring to Leah) I was thinking maybe bringing one of the girls over here as a bit of eye candy.
- Jason Leech: Score!
- Lord Sugar: (to Kurt before firing him) I admire your honesty here, but Kurt you messed up on this task, okay? So Kurt, you're fired!
- (Evolve win the task and are sent away by Lord Sugar, but as he does so he asks Jason to go back into the boardroom)
Lord Sugar's receptionist: Could you go back into the boardroom Jason?
(A scared look comes across Jason's face. He goes back into the boardroom and faces Lord Sugar worriedly)
Lord Sugar: Don't have such a worried look on your face Jason. I forgot to say, one of those sales was down to you. Well done.
Jason Leech: I hope to keep impressing you.
Lord Sugar: Okay.
(Jason steps back towards the boardroom door and leaves. As he goes out the boardroom, he sighs with relief to join the rest of Evolve)
Week 8 [9.8]
- Alex Mills: (dressed as "Herbert the Pervert" to Karren who looks bewildered) I'm supposed to be a scary thing, so if I'm scaring people it's working.
Karren Brady: Don't...Don't scare the kids.
- Myles Mordaunt: How about we get someone to take a picture of me and you?
Leah Totton: No Myles, we need someone who looks...Younger.
- (Leah and Myles look through the pictures they took.)
Myles Mordaunt: It's that you look like this...(imitating Leah in the photos) It's like he smelt of, poo or something.
- Jordan Poulton: I am a woman who works really long hours in the city and I don't want to have to go out to a bar and sit there and wait for men to come and talk to me. I want to be able to go onto a website and choose the people I want to interact with because I am a strong, sexually liberated and high powered woman!
(bewildered look from Karren)
Week 10 [9.10]
- Jordan Poulton: If, and when, an investment is made then those discussions happen but the honest truth is...
Lord Sugar: What discussions happen?
Jordan Poulton: Discussions about percentages and how it was split between...
(stunned look from Myles)
Lord Sugar: Errrr... no discussion here mate. We get 50:50 shares.
Jordan Poulton: I'm a safer investment...
Lord Sugar: Safer investment?! What bleeding world do you live in?! A text-start business?!
Jordan Poulton: Lord Sugar, let me explain...
Lord Sugar: They're the most risky bloody investments on this planet!
Week 11 [9.11]
- Jordan Poulton: Hello, I'm Jordan
Claude Littner: I know you are.
(Jordan sits down)
It transpires that actually, this isn't your business!
Jordan Poulton: Mmm-hm.
Claude Littner: "Mm-hm"? What does "Mm-hm" mean?
Jordan Poulton: There's three parts to the answer I think because...
Claude Littner: Hang on a second, hang on a second. You are not a shareholder in this business.
Jordan Poulton: Correct.
Claude Littner: Correct. Therefore, you've got no right to negotiate or to give away a part of a business that you do not own.
Jordan Poulton: Mm-hm.
Claude Littner: Furthermore, and this is what I'm very upset about, having waded through these pages, when I got to page 45 in your 52-page diatribe here, you're only prepared to yield 15.39% equity.
(brief pause) That's not the deal! The deal is 50% for £250,000
Jordan Poulton: Mm-hm.
Claude Littner: You've got no right to be here, because you're feeding on someone else's idea, someone else's business.
You're a parasite!
Jordan Poulton: Can I defend myself before I leave?
Claude Littner:Frankly, I think this interview is terminated. You can leave now.
- Luisa Zissman: I'd rather give birth again than do this.
- Lord Sugar: What do you make of Jordan? His business plan was something to do with an "immersive mobile experience." I thought that was when you dropped your phone in the loo or something.
- Jordan Poulton: (said without pausing for breath) From the age I can remember I’ve always felt like I was more intelligent than everyone else and I got things faster than everyone else and I knew that there was something I could do with that ability that would be meaningful and I have this ability inside me that I don’t even at times know what to do with and so I figured that business is the way you get success in the modern world so why don’t I just try to learn as much about that and I’m sure eventually I’ll be able to do something that shows everybody I’m able.
Claudine Collins (apparently paying scant regard): ‘I’m going to move on.
- Claude Littner: There are large, well establish companies in that space.
Neil Clough: Absolutely, yeah.
Claude Littner: They're going to go to their market leader.
Neil Clough: I'm going to compete with that!
Claude Littner:But you've got no chance!
Neil Clough: I have!
Claude Littner: No you don't!
Neil Clough: I definitely have!
Claude Littner:The market's full.
Neil Clough:I absolutely believe in my plan! I don't know whether I've been explaining it clearly...
Claude Littner: No, you're explaining it clearly. I hope I'm explaining it clearly how, how just ludicrous the whole idea is.
Neil Clough: It's something I know so...
Claude Littner: Something you know? That's crap!
- Mike Soutar: I think what I'm hearing is, the guy who sits there who has no self doubt. Who has to believe this will work.
Neil Clough: I know how to make it successful, and you're gonna keep hearing me say it because I truly believe that!
Mike Soutar: And you're gonna keep, hearing me say; I think you're in trouble with this business plan.
- Margaret Mountford: "A lady with a brain like Einstein..." and who got a C,D, and E in her AS levels.
Luisa Zissman: Yeah, I flunked my AS levels.
Margaret Mountford: You said that "people look at me and see that I'm a bimbo with hair extensions, fake b***s and nails."
Luisa Zissman: Yeah...(withering look from Margaret) Obviously that comment was very tongue in cheek.
Margaret Mountford: Do you think it's sensible to put tongue in cheek comments, when you're completing an application form with a view to someone making a quarter of a million pound investment?
Luisa Zissman: I don't think there's anything wrong with having a bit of personality in business.
- Margaret Mountford: You studied the greats in human history, and cherry-picked their knowledge and as a result of that your role model is David Beckham?
Jordan Poulton: I stand by that!
Margaret Mountford: (wryly) Yes...
- Lord Sugar: I am bitterly disappointed with your business proposal. I know that ten weeks ago when I first met you, I just flipped through all of you very, very quickly, "What's your idea?"...and you said something about estate agents. But it don't work and I'm shocked. I tell you, I am totally, absolutely shocked, because if I didn't care about you, if I didn't think you was any good, I couldn't care less to be honest. Yeah? It don't work. it don't make sense.
Neil Clough: It does. It does make sense. This is a business plan that isn't just off the back of a fag packet. I have thought it through and it's a simple plan...
Lord Sugar: You have not thought it through. Neil, don't dig yourself a bigger hole, mate. 'Cos that ain't been thought through.
Neil Clough: I believe in that business plan. I also believe in my self ability that I can drive that to make a success.
Lord Sugar: It is a shame, it is a shame that you're still sitting here, believing in it.
Neil Clough: I'm asking for the opportunity to do it.
Lord Sugar: I know, but I might as well put that £250,000 into a slot machine, right? I may as well just stand on London Bridge and chuck it over London Bridge. Honestly, that's how bad it is.
Neil Clough: I believe that this is the one that I know I can make a success.
Lord Sugar: No, you can't. Neil, Neil, stop saying that. You can't. You cannot. It does not work, mate. Me, I would not have a bat in hell's chance of starting from scratch in this business. There, that's how good it is! It's sickening for me to sit here and that that someone that has been as powerful as you ends up the right man, you know, but the wrong plan. It's disheartening for me, yeah? And you won't move away from it, Neil.
Neil Clough: I'm absolutely convinced that I can make a success of the business and I just wanted that opportunity.
Lord Sugar: No, no, no, no, you can't mate, I'm sorry. You can't. Neil, if this was all about giving someone a job, I'd give you a job tomorrow, right? But coming into business with me, I'm afraid not, my friend. I'm sorry. I'm disappointed and I'm sure even Nick and Karren will be disappointed, but Neil, it is with regret that I have to say to you that..you're fired.
Neil Clough: (showing defeat) Okay, thank you for the opportunity.
- Claudine Collins: (to Jordan) I have to say, you talk about yourself a lot as being an entrepreneur. Are you really? It just seems you jump onto other people's ideas.
- Claudine Collins: You state in here that you and your partner compliment each other perfectly. So you already have a partner?
Week 1 [10.1]
- Steven Ugoalah: I have an amazing idea for Lord Sugar that's going to make him a fortune and is going to change the world. I'm not arrogant, 'cause what I'm saying is all true.
- Lord Sugar: Scott, can you tell me what you were doing on this task? Because I've had some reports back that, never mind the bleeding Wolf of Wall Street, you're more like the bloody Poodle of Petticoat Lane.
- Lord Sugar: (on Steven) He is an irritant, there's no question of it, right? But it's not really a reason for placing the blame on a person like that--
Steven Ugoalah: (interrupting Sugar) Exactly! Exactly.
Lord Sugar: Steven, may I respectfully say to you, SHUT UP!
- Steven Ugoalah:If I was you I would turn around and go and get the shirts.
Chiles Cartwright:I appreciate your comments, I've made a decision. And I can't understand what comments like that are helping to the situation.
Steven Ugoalah: I have been helping! Had we gone to Goddard's which took five minutes walk from that T-Shirt shop, this wouldn't have happened!
Chiles Cartwright: Steven, get a grip!
Mark Wright: Alright pack it in, if you're gonna complain, at least let us do something!
- Lord Sugar:Daniel, what is your opinion about who is responsible for the failure of this task?
Daniel Lassman: I don't want to dig anyone out but it has to be Steven.
(stunned look from Lord Sugar)
Lord Sugar: It does?!
- Felipe Alviar-Baquero: We had a team that Chiles was managing which had a very disruptive character.
Lord Sugar: Who was that?
Felipe Alviar-Baquero: Steven.
Lord Sugar: You're saying that Steven was disruptive and that's one of the reasons for the failure of the task?
Felipe Alviar-Baquero: I believe that it is the main reason...
Lord Sugar: The main reason?!
- Lindsay Booth: Was that your sale?
Sarah Dales: That was my sale.
Lindsay Booth: Right, then you can help with coffees then.
Sarah Dales: No. because I'm project manager I'm afraid. I'm actually managing this whole task.
- Robert Goodwin: We agreed as a team to create gourmet hot-dogs that are exciting, creative and very Shoreditch.
Lord Sugar: I'm not interested in all this Shoreditch, Yuppy, arty-farty bollocks!
- Lord Sugar: (After hearing Steven's reasons for the failure of the task) Alright, I don't want to hear the rest of the Magna Carta.
- Lord Sugar: (to the initial candidates) This year, I'm going to start things off a bit differently.
(Lord Sugar picks up the phone and calls his receptionist)
Can you send the other candidates in, please?
(Shocked look from Roisin. The boardroom doors open and four more candidates, Sarah, Pamela, Scott and Sanjay join the other candidates)
Week 2 [10.2]
- Lord Sugar: [To Team Summit on their product] I think even the shoplifters would bring it back.
- Scott McCulloch: Dan's shouting at me, James is shouting at me, You're shouting at me, You're shouting at me. What do you want me to do?
- Nick Hewer: (to the camera after Robert's refusal to step up as project manager) You need to be a very brave man to actually ignore pretty firm instructions from Lord Sugar. But my word! Robert shirked that within seconds!
- Lord Sugar: (to Robert before firing him) Robert, I don't like people who bottle out. So Robert, You're Fired!
Robert Goodwin: Thank you Lord Sugar.
(Robert gets up and leaves and sits in reception)
Lord Sugar: You will go off now and you will have a chat among yourselves. Come back in here and we will discuss what's gone wrong on this particular task. And at least another one of you will be fired.
- Lord Sugar: Scott, who are you going to bring back into this boardroom?
Scott McCulloch: It's quite an even split I would say, (confused look from Lord Sugar) I had a good idea with regards to my industry, my skill set and I wanted to understand...
Lord Sugar: Yeah, I'm not hearing any names here...
Karren Brady: Scott, if you spent less time covering your arse and more time answering questions, we might get some names for Lord Sugar!
Scott McCulloch: I'm gonna bring back in Daniel and Solomon.
(Daniel scoffs Scott's choice)
Lord Sugar: Daniel and Solomon.
Daniel Lassman: 'Cause James just said it.
Lord Sugar: The rest of you, need to take a good long look at yourselves because at the moment you are a total shambles! A complete and utter shambles!
- Lord Sugar: Daniel, one of your day jobs is pub quizzes so here's a question. What's the point of a pitch meeting? Answer: To get orders.
- Scott McCulloch: I'm putting this back on you guys, right? Done!
(Stunned look from Nick Hewer)
Week 3 [10.3]
- Lord Sugar: (To James in the firing line) Just shut up for a minute.
James Hill: Definitely, Lord Sugar.
Lord Sugar: You can't shut up now!
Week 4 [10.4]
- Lord Sugar:[after watching Summit's video]I suppose you guys think that's funny. James, when you sent in your CV, you said you got no qualifications? You got your first qualification because you come across as a grade-A pillock
- Lord Sugar: (To Sarah on her credentials as a hypnotherapist) ...Erectile dysfunction...Don't look her in the eyes, Nick.
- (The phone rings at the candidates house)
Mark Wright: Hello?
(Mark answers the phone whilst the other candidates crowd round him, he beckons two or three of the candidates to be quiet)
Hi, Lord Sugar.
(Shocked looks from the candidates)
Lord Sugar: (over the phone) This is just to remind you that you may waiting for some of your colleagues to come back from the boardroom. Well, they're not coming back. I've let all three of them go today.
(shocked look from Sanjay whilst everyone else looks stunned)
I've been telling you all along that I'm not gonna put up with any dead wood in this process, and today demonstrates that quite clearly. Okay?
- (after Sarah, Steven and Ella Jade are sent outside)
Lord Sugar: Do you know? Ella Jade, she can talk okay? She's highly educated, and I wonder whether she's ever actually done a day's work in her life. And Steven, well, what is it about him?
Karren Brady: People ignore him, because it's actually far easier to ignore Steven than to spend so long listening to him get to the point.
Lord Sugar: Yeah. Quite clearly of the whole team, they've got it in for Sarah.
Nick Hewer: When she pipes up, people tell her to pipe down.
Karren Brady: The question is, does she actually have anything worthwhile to say?
- (in the first triple firing (outside the interviews) Steven insists that he wants to be the next project manager. Lord Sugar on the other hand...)
Lord Sugar: You're not going to be the next project manager because I think you are a lost cause in this process. Steven, you're fired.
(Steven goes quiet and gets up to leave)
Steven Ugoalah: Thank you Lord Sugar.
(Steven leaves. Sarah and Ella Jade remain seated)
Lord Sugar: Ella, I made you the project manager in a task which was the nearest to what you want to do with me when we go into business. And you failed.
Ella-Jade Bitton: No...
Lord Sugar: And it's an unforgivable...
Ella-Jade Bitton: (thinking she is next to go) Please Lord Sugar...
Lord Sugar: Sarah, there is no smoke without fire. The reason why people always make you the timekeeper is because people don't seem to have much confidence in you. And if people don't have much confidence in you, I'm wondering why I should have confidence in you as a business partner.
(Sarah's face falls)
Sarah, you're fired.
Sarah Dales: (as she gets up to leave) Thank you for the opportunity.
(Sarah leaves leaving Ella-Jade alone)
Lord Sugar: I got to get on with this process with the candidates, some very, very good candidates that are left. Let's get rid of the no hopers, no chance. Don't waste my time.
Ella-Jade Bitton: I understand that Lord Sugar. I have the absolute hunger to learn from this and improve...
Lord Sugar: (paying little attention) Yeah...
Ella Jade Bitton: I'm really passionate about this process. I will do my absolute ultimate aim to prove to you that I can be your business partner.
Lord Sugar: Yeah, the thing is, I'm afraid to say...
Ella Jade Bitton: Please Lord Sugar. Please...
Lord Sugar: You do not have...
Ella-Jade Bitton: I do. I promise you I do. Please let me stay...
Lord Sugar: Ella...
Ella-Jade Bitton: Please, let me...
Lord Sugar: You're Fired.
(Ella-Jade however refuses to leave)
Ella-Jade Bitton: Please let me stay Lord Sugar...
Lord Sugar: Yeah, I'm sorry. You are fired. I wish you well.
(Ella-Jade starts to leave but refuses to give in and faces Lord Sugar one last time.)
Ella-Jade Bitton: Please Lord Sugar, I promise you. I promise you I will learn from this. I promise you Lord Sugar.
Lord Sugar: Yeah, there's no, I've made my decision okay? You're Fired.
(Finally, Ella-Jade gives in and leaves the boardroom)
Lord Sugar: (after the boardroom is empty) I've been in business long enough to work out the people who had no chance of becoming my business partner and those three certainly had no chance.
- Lord Sugar: (to Tenacity) The only way you lot are going viral is if you kiss someone with the bloody flu!
- (At the end of the internal review, Lord Sugar sends the rest of Tenacity back to the house leaving Ella-Jade, Steven and Sarah alone)
Lord Sugar: Get ready, to defend your positions in this process. (in the end he got rid of all three of them)
- (After Summit win the task and are on the treat, they toast to themselves in one of the volcanic baths)
James Hill: Has anyone done a wee yet?
Week 5 [10.5]
- Lord Sugar: (to James) If Anne Boleyn's neck had been as thick as you are, she might still be alive.
- Daniel Lassman: (on the treat) How's this a treat?!
Week 6 [10.6]
- Daniel Lassman: (to Mark) When you smell blood, you give us a silly football analogy.
- Daniel Lassman: I know you like your football analogies, Mark. Well, sometimes a good Number 2 doesn't make a good Number 1 and you've yet to prove that.
Week 7 [10.7]
- Lauren Riley: You've heard why we failed and none of it was me. None of it was me!
Mark Wright: Yeah, none of it WAS you! That's why you're sat here.
- (Felipe becomes tearful up on seeing the advert his team has made)
Lauren Riley: Awww, come here Felipe.
(Lauren and Felipe embrace)
They'll be proud of you and what you've done.
Felipe Alviar-Baquero: I just feel so proud of what we have done.
- Mark Wright: (after he is asked who he's bringing back in) I'll bring Daniel back as well.
(Daniel rolls his eyes)
Week 8 [10.8]
- Solomon Akhtar: We saw the products visually.
- James Hill: Stop trying to undermine me and stuff all the time!
Roisin Hogan: I'm not!
- Lord Sugar: (moments before firing James) James, what I want to say to you is this: Culture, that bit of good stuff about you and you will go somewhere. You will go somewhere. But it is with regret James, that I'm going to have to say to you, You're Fired!
James Hill: (showing signs of defeat) Thank you Lord Sugar and Nick, Karren, I've really enjoyed this experience. Good luck guys, alright?
Roisin Hogan: (quietly) Good luck James.
James Hill:Alright, Thank you. Cheers.(James leaves the boardroom)
Lord Sugar: Good luck.
Week 10 [10.10]
- Lord Sugar: Katie, you know nothing about running a restaurant!
Katie Bulmer-Cooke: I've worked in a restaurant from the age of 15. As a waitress, I've worked front of house, I've worked back of house...
Lord Sugar: Yeah, I've been to MacDonald's also.
- Karren Brady: (On Sanjay's business plan) Alan, it seems more of a whim than a business idea.
- Mark Wright: I will make a million pounds in year one, will you do that?
Sanjay Sood-Smith: I will make 1.1 million pounds in Year 5. Have you ever shown anything in terms of strategy, direction and leading a team? You can do sales Mark but can you actually think things through and run a team? 'Cause you haven't done a very good job of it in the process so far. Selling, you're great at. If you want a salesman Lord Sugar Mark's your man.
Week 11 [10.11]
- Ricky Martin: (To Roisin on her CV about being an accountant) Lord Sugar is looking for a business partner. He's not looking for an accountant.
- Claude Littner: (To Solomon after the interview) That's not the way out.
- Mike Soutar: (To Lord Sugar on working with Daniel Lassman) He would die in the attempt.
Claude Littner: Or you'd kill him.
- Lord Sugar: Solomon, you are a very intelligent young man, but when I appraise your business plan and think about us working together I'm struggling a little bit. Claude reckons you're gonna go somewhere one day...But not now. Solomon, you're fired!
Solomon Akhtar: Okay, thank you very much.
Nick Hewer: Good luck.
Solomon Akhtar:Thank you.
(before he leaves he turns to face Lord Sugar)
Can I say? I actually really enjoyed the process, and thanks for being fair I think. Nick and Karren you've been very fair and Lord Sugar throught the process. So thank you.
- Lord Sugar: Daniel, I don't think we're gonna go into business together. But I do wish you well and it is with regret, Daniel you're fired! And Daniel I think, you are a better man than when you walked in the doors here eleven weeks ago and I congratulate you on you changing your manner and I do hope that you carry on that way and that you have learned and gleamed something from it.
Daniel Lassman: Yeah, absolutely. (Daniel gets up to leave) Thank you very much for your time.
- Mike Soutar: Are there any other exaggerations? Lies?
Daniel Lassman: No absolutely not. In fact to be honest Mike, I would honestly say that the CV's probably under-exaggerated.
- Ricky Martin: How long have you been a sales manager?
Mark Wright: It was just under a year.
Ricky Martin: I see that as being deceitful!
- (On the way to the interviews)
Mark Wright: Mine feels more like a winner Dan.
Daniel Lassman: Your's feels heavier, 'cause you've got bigger font than me.
(In another car Roisin looks through her business plan while Solomon looks on in awe. He pulls out his own plan and looks through it)
Bianca Miller: Have you, included your financials Solomon?
Solomon Akhtar: Erm, I've got the nitty-gritty stuff sort of...in my mind.
- Claude Littner: This is my tenth year of doing this, and I've got to say that when I read your application form, and then when I read your CV...It filled me with pleasure.
(Stunned look from Solomon)
- Mike Soutar: (after hearing Bianca's proposal) So you want Lord Sugar to get, into tights?
Bianca Miller: (smiling) Yes.
Mike Soutar: That's an interesting visual image.
Week 12 [10.12]
- Lord Sugar: You would back Bianca 100%?
- Daniel Lassman: I think it's a no-brainer Lord Sugar, though Mark is a lovely guy.
Week 1 [11.1]
- Lord Sugar: (to Dan Callaghan) Get your hands out of your pockets!
Welcome to the boardroom. Over here you see an empty chair. So we have a new colleague of mine assisting me here, and if you think this process is tough it's just got a whole lot tougher!
(Brief pause, then the door opens and Claude Littner takes the seat to Lord Sugar's right. He scowls at the candidates) Welcome, Claude.
- Dan Callaghan: Hello! Are you, interested in buying a salad?
- Lord Sugar: Claude, perhaps you'd let me know about Versatile?
Claude Littner: Their total sales amounted to £467.50, their costs were £267.21, yielding a profit of £200.29.
Lord Sugar: Okay. Karren, same thing for Connexus.
Karren Brady: Sales: £343.53, Costs: £341.66 (celebratory signs from Mergim, Gary and Charleine) making a pathetic profit of only £1.87.
- Claude Littner: I think I'll have to go down, and lie down for a while and put a cold towel on my head! Selina has displayed absolutely no leadership whatsoever! I think we're in trouble with this lot.
- Richard Woods: (while ironing a tie) Winning!
- Lord Sugar: (when Connexus return to the boardroom) Well, to come in with £1.87, it's abysmal! Late in the kitchen, late at the location, lunch time; you turn up at 1:30, you may as well forget it!
- Mergim Butaja: (holding a spring onion) Is this an onion?
Sam Curry: Yes, that's an onion.
- Claude Littner: (After Versatile try to sell fish to a vegan restaurant) I must be losing the plot here. This place is teaming with people and they've gone into a veggie restaurant trying to sell fish? That's no way to sell.
- Elle Stevenson: (to Joseph Valente whose role model is Hugh Hefner) If my boyfriend said he wanted to be like Hugh Hefner, I would kick him where it would really hurt!
Week 2 [11.2]
- Aisha Kasim: I just want to say, if anyone is not productive on this task and we lose, they'll be coming back into the boardroom with me. I don't care!
- Lord Sugar: (on Team Connexus' digital billboard) You're rotating like a kebab, Ruth.
- Elle Stevenson: (after Lord Sugar moves the teams back to girls vs. boys) I'm glad we got rid of Brett 'cause he's bald.
- Scott Saunders: (during a brainstorm) What about Manly Moist?
Sam Curry: (giving a disgusted look at the representation) Ugh!
Week 3 [11.3]
- Mergim Butaja: (Assisting Brett collecting the manure) The smell is beautiful.
- Lord Sugar: (to the losing team) In the task, you got covered in bullshit. Now you know how I feel, when I listen to some of the rubbish that comes out in the boardroom.
- Lord Sugar: (on Connexus' third appearance in the boardroom) Okay, let me tell you this. Normally, I set this task at eight o'clock in the morning and I tell people to be back here 6 o'clock the same day. You had the whole of overnight and all that time to think about where you were going and what you were doing. Not organized!
- Vana Koutsomitis: I just don't like questions that'll make no sense.
Selina Waterman-Smith: You're right, I shouldn't bring up anything I have an opinion on.
- Karren Brady: Vana, I don't know why you're laughing because it's just not funny! It was chaos, it was unorganized, it was unfriendly at times. It was a shambles!
- Lord Sugar: (to Joseph) I suppose you, Valentino, would go after the mirror. You probably spent half your time looking in it.
- Joseph Valente: (at the end of a negotiation) One hundred euro for seven.
(He holds his fingers up to mime "seven" but actually ends up miming "eight")
Week 4 [11.4]
- Karren Brady: Alan, I'd be worried about going into business with Ruth.
Claude Littner: But which would you rather have, Karren? Someone who's very enthusiastic or someone who just doesn't seem to care that much?
Karren Brady: Well, I'd have neither, actually Claude.
- David Stevenson: (on the T-Shirts) You can wear them with almost, anything!
Week 5 [11.5]
- Richard Woods: [On the phone to Charleine] Would you like me to pass you over to David?
- Sam Curry: It's like giving birth to a child and someone offering you £2 for it. I mean I've never given birth before so...selling your baby for £2. God! What a heartless mother I am.
- Sam Curry: (to Elle Stevenson) You are, a genuine princess.
Week 6 [11.6]
- Lord Sugar: (to Mergim before firing him) It is a difficult one. Look, Mergim I'm going to say this to you: I don't think you have the potential, at this moment in time, of being my business partner, I really don't. But carry on with your dreams okay? It is with sincere regret Mergim, that you're fired.
Mergim Butaja: Thanks a lot for the opportunity guys. Thank you.
(Mergim gets up and starts to leave)
Lord Sugar: (as Mergim goes out the door) And we'll stay in touch.
Mergim Butaja: (turns round to face Lord Sugar one last time.) Thank you Lord Sugar.
(Mergim turns and goes out the door)
- Joseph Valente: No stopping, no messing around, no toilet breaks, just hitting it! Solid, yeah?
- David Stevenson: (After Lord Sugar fires Elle, Mergim and April and he is back at the house) I've never seen something so brutal in my life!
- Elle Stevenson: Joseph, the second we get in that theater I am no longer the project manager, you are that project manager!
- Lord Sugar: (to Elle minutes before firing her) In your day job, you organize the construction of basements. Well in this particular task, you've dug yourself a very, very big hole. You're Fired!
- Sam Curry: (after listening to a football manager telling them what they have to do if they secure a contract) Question: If we get this contract, do we have to do it?
- Claude Littner: (on Scott's attempts to secure work during leaflets) What a complete waste of time!
Week 7 [11.7]
- (After customers ignore Scott during his attempt to sell body-wash and Maltesers on an escalator)
Scott Saunders: It's alright, I'll talk to myself.
- Scott Saunders: I want that stuff, in there!
Brett Butler-Smythe: Speak to me like that again...
- (As Sam tries to work a cash register it keeps beeping)
Sam Curry: Oh, shut up!
(the register beeps again and he gives up)
- (After Versatile win the task and on their treat)
Richard Woods: Do you fancy, when you move to London, getting a place round there Charleine?
Charleine Wain: Yeah, not with you though Richard!
- (Gary and Charleine carry two large boxes to their stall on the first day of the task)
Gary Poulton: You alright there, Charleine?
Charleine Wain: (struggling) Yeah. The heavy candles are heavy!
- (On the second day of the task, Richard tries to attract customer into his team's discount store, all the while being watched from the upper floor by Vana and Brett)
Richard Woods: We're Manchester's newest discount store. I've even got it on my T-shirt, that means it's true.
Week 8 [11.8]
- Lord Sugar: (on Versatile's party after they lose the task) It was supposed to be fun. It seemed to me more like an Ofsted inspection.
Week 9 [11.9]
- (Connexus have won the task and Lord Sugar sends them on their treat but Scott remains seated)
Scott Saunders: It's alright. I would just like to quickly say, thank you for the opportunity but I would like to exit the process at this point.
(stunned look from Charleine and the other candidates. For a while Connexus stand at the door and do not leave just yet)
Charleine Wain: (gasps) My god!
Lord Sugar: Well that's your choice if you want to...
(Connexus leave the boardroom)
Richard Woods: Oh, my god!
Lord Sugar: You're doing my job for me.
Richard Woods: (shocked) What is he doing?!
Lord Sugar: But I'm an honorable man and I stick to the rules, so all I do is thank you very much for putting yourself forward because you've actually made life a bit easier for me, okay?
Scott Saunders: Thank you very much.
(Scott leaves the boardroom)
Charleine Wain: My god!
(Scott walks past his team-mates and gets his luggage then leaves)
Richard Woods: Scott, what are you doing?!
Scott Saunders: I'm off!
(Stunned look from Vana)
- Lord Sugar: (after Scott leaves) This process is all about people who perform. At least another one of you will be leaving the process today.
(Versatile are dismissed)
Karren Brady: He clearly knows he's out of his depth.
Lord Sugar: He didn't deserve to stay in this process. He really didn't. Listening to you...
Karren Brady: Oh, he's gone!
Claude Littner: He's been floundering for weeks really.
- Joseph Valente: (to Selina) Oh, my god. You are such a manipulator!
- Charleine Wain: (to Selina) Do NOT talk over me! I am talking here!
Week 11 [11.11]
- Lord Sugar: (On Charleine's business plan) Expecting her to become as big as Toni & Guy is like expecting Claude to grow an afro.
- Claude Littner: (Reading from Richard's plan) "Project X. A fully managed and implemented business growth campaign that starts with a focus base camp, to remove the clouds from our client's business growth mountain..."
(Stunned and bewildered look from Claude)
- Richard Woods: (After his interview with Linda) I've thrown it away!
- (The initial interview)
Vana Koutsomitis: So do you want me to give you a bit of background about why I know there's an opportunity? Because obviously, that's going to your first question.
Claude Litter: Why don't you let me ask the first question rather than predicting it?
- Claudine Collins: Why does Lord Sugar call you Valentino?
Joseph Valente: 'Cause my surname's "Valente", the Italian and I'm a bit of a romancer.
Claudine Collins: Are you?
- Mike Soutar: (to Richard) You've been rumbled.
- New interviewer Linda Plant: (having learned that the previous task reduced Charleine to tears) But how are you going to cope, running a multi-million pound organization? Gonna cry?
- (At the end of Richard's initial interview with Mike Soutar)
Mike Soutar: That just appears to be more than just a sloppy mistake. It appears to me to be misleading.
- (Joseph goes to an interview in front of Claude Littner who consequently is surprised to see him)
Claude Littner: Are you really Joseph?
Joseph Valente: Am I really Joseph? Yeah.
(Remembering his mustache Claude feels the top of his own upper lip in a mustache fashion)
- Charleine Wain: (after Joseph shaves his mustache off) Don't grow it back mate!
Week 12 [11.12]
- Lord Sugar: You've got more cheek than Kim Kardashian, I think.
- (During the filming of Joseph's promotional video)
Mergim Butaja: I'm off to run a bath.
Elle Stevenseon: Mergim, the fire's not working!
Mergim Butaja: Neither, is, the, Bath.
(Brett laughs in the background and the video stops)
Elle Stevenson: Mergim, no!
Brett Butler Smythe: (in Mergim's voice) Neither is tha bath! (normal voice)What are you doing?
Brett Butler-Smythe: Action!
Elle Stevenson: Well, what are we going to do about it? I'm freezing.
Mergim Butaja: I'll get hold of Plime Time Plumbers...
(Elle starts laughing and the filming stops again)
Ow, that was perfect!
- Lord Sugar: Why don't you tell me one last time Joseph, why you think you should be my business partner?
Joseph Valente: Lord Sugar, I once read a book that changed my life. The title of that book was "What you See is What you Get." and I saw the author of that book and what I'm saying to you is what you see is what you get. I've got ten years experience in this industry, I'm driven, passionate, and hard working. through these last 12 weeks I've jumped through hoops to try and prove to you time and time again that I can adapt and change, I do need investment I do need mentoring. But with that combination I will make a million pounds within five years, there's no doubt about that. And I hope you can see me as a person and I hope you buy into me.
- Lord Sugar: Technology has been my best friend for over 50 years...but maybe it's time to make new friends. And so Joseph, you are going to be my business partner!
- Claude Littner: (after Lord Sugar hires Joseph) From Task one, I think he showed a certain caliber, a certain entrepreneurial flair that I think you don't see too often in a young man.
Lord Sugar: Yeah. But, you know what? Joseph, my money, my help. I think he can go far.