- Directed by John Landis. Produced by Lorne Michaels and George Folsey, Jr. Written by Steve Martin and Lorne Michaels.
- (To summon the invisible swordsman) Farley Farley Farley Farley Farley, Hufaaaaarrr
- I've been shot already!
- Mount up! ... It means get on your horses.
- Uh, this is real. They are going... to KILL us.
- Oh GREAT!!! REAL bullets!!!
- You're in a lot of trouble, mister!
- It's like living with a six-year-old.
- You dirt-eating piece of slime, you scum-sucking pig, you son of a motherless goat!
- Ned: Young man, you have got it!
- El Guapo: I know each one of you, like I know my own smell!
- Pablo: Can I have your watch when you are dead?
- Dirty Mexican: And then they called us scum sucking pigs...US!
- Dusty: Lip balm?
- Dusty: (can't eat tacos at santo poco village.) Do you have anything besides Mexican food?
- Carmen: I like the one who is not so smart.
- Other girl: Which one is that?
- Jefe: We have many beautiful piñatas for your birthday celebration, each one filled with little surprises!
- El Guapo: How many piñatas?
- Jefe: Many piñatas, many!
- El Guapo: Jefe, would you say I have a plethora of piñatas?
- Jefe: A what?
- El Guapo: A plethora.
- Jefe: Oh yes, El Guapo. You have a plethora.
- El Guapo: Jefe, what is a plethora?
- Jefe: Why, El Guapo?
- El Guapo: Well, you just told me that I had a plethora, and I would just like to know if you know what it means to have a plethora. I would not like to think that someone would tell someone else he has a plethora, and then find out that that person has no idea what it means to have a plethora.
- Jefe: El Guapo, I know that I, Jefe, do not have your superior intellect and education, but could it be that once again, you are angry at something else, and are looking to take it out on me?
- El Guapo: What? Are gringos falling from the sky?
- [Ned falls to the ground]
- Jefe: Yes, El Guapo.
- Bartender: We don't have no beer, just tequila.
- Ned: What's tequila?
- Bartender: ...It's like beer...
- Dusty: Is it fattening?
- Bartender: ...Fat-ten-ing?
- Lucky: Not so fast, El Guapo! Or I'll fill you so full of lead that you'll be using your dick for a pencil!
- El Guapo: What do you mean?
- Lucky: ...I don’t know.
- Jefe: I think he means that if you –
- El Guapo: SHUT UP!
[The Amigos are facing down El Guapo's men]]
- Ned: [whispers] Tell us we will die like dogs.
- El Guapo: You will die like dogs!
- Dusty: No, we will not die like dogs, we will fight like lions!
- Lucky: I'll come back some day.
- Carmen: Why?
- Lucky: Well, I thought...(stumbles over his words)
- Steve Martin - Lucky Day
- Chevy Chase - Dusty Bottoms
- Martin Short - Ned Nederlander
- Alfonso Arau - El Guapo
- Tony Plana - Jefe
- Humberto Ortiz - Pablo
- Patrice Martinez - Carmen
- Philip Gordon - Rodrigo
- Fred Asparagus - Bartender
- Kai Wulff - German
- Randy Newman - Singing Bush (voice)