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- Directed by John Landis. Produced by Lorne Michaels and George Folsey, Jr. Written by Steve Martin and Lorne Michaels.
- [To summon the invisible swordsman] Farley Farley Farley Farley Farley, Hufaaaaarrr!
- Mount up! ... It means get on your horses.
- Uh, this is real... Yes: They. are going. to KILL us!
- Oh GREAT!!! REAL bullets!!!
- You were supposed to fire up! We both fired UP! It's like living with a six-year-old.
- Well you slime eating dogs, you scum-sucking pigs, you sons of a motherless goat!
- In a way, all of us has an El Guapo to face. For some, shyness might be their El Guapo. For others, a lack of education might be their El Guapo. For us, El Guapo is a big, dangerous man who wants to kill us. But as sure as my name is Lucky Day, the people of Santa Poco can conquer their own personal El Guapo, who also happens to be the actual El Guapo!
- One time, Dorothy Gish was visiting me on the set of "Little Neddy, Grab Your Gun". And she came up to me and she looked me in the face and - I'd never met her, I'd just known her on films, you know, Dorothy Gish, Lillian's sister - and she looked me in the eyes and she said, "Young man, you have got it." And. Ah! Dorothy Gish. It's a true story.
- Lip balm?
- Do you have anything besides Mexican food?
- I know each one of you, like I know my own smell!
- [Describing his plans for dealing with the Amigos] Tomorrow I will take fifty men with me, find these three gringos, open their stomachs, grab their intestines, and squeeze the shit out of them!
- El Guapo only kills men. [horse neighs, Three Amigos shuffle nervously] He does not kill crying women! [Three Amigos let out a sigh of relief]
- Jefe: [to El Guapo] Could it be that once again you are angry for something else, and you are taking it out on me?
- Pablo: Can I have your watch when you are dead?
- Dirty Mexican: And then they called us scum sucking pigs...US!
- Harry Flugelman: (ranting at the Amigos) It'll be a cold day in hell when Harry Flugelman lets an actor tell him what to do!
- Carmen: I like the one who is not so smart.
- Other girl: Which one is that?
- Jefe: We have many beautiful piñatas for your birthday celebration, each one filled with little surprises!
- El Guapo: How many piñatas?
- Jefe: Many piñatas, many!
- El Guapo: Jefe, would you say I have a plethora of piñatas?
- Jefe: A what?
- El Guapo: A plethora.
- Jefe: Oh yes, El Guapo. You have a plethora.
- El Guapo: Jefe, what is a plethora?
- Jefe: Why, El Guapo?
- El Guapo: Well, you just told me that I had a plethora, and I would just like to know if you know what it means to have a plethora. I would not like to think that someone would tell someone else he has a plethora, and then find out that that person has no idea what it means to have a plethora.
- Jefe: El Guapo, I know that I, Jefe, do not have your superior intellect and education, but could it be that once again, you are angry at something else, and are looking to take it out on me?
- El Guapo: Jefe, you do not understand women. You cannot force open the petals of a flower. When the flower is ready, it opens itself up to you.
- Jefe: So when do you think Carmen will open up her flower to you?
- El Guapo: Tonight, or I will kill her!
- Conchita: [El Guapo has kidnapped Carmen and taken her to his fortress] Carmen, today is El Guapo's birthday, and tonight you are to be El Guapo's woman.
- Carmen: I would sooner die.
- Conchita: Let me prepare you for the way El Guapo makes love. Tell me, Carmen, do you know what foreplay is?
- Carmen: [shakes her head, trembling slightly with fear] No...
- Conchita: Good! Neither does El Guapo.
- Dusty Bottoms: Hey, Lucky, what are you gonna do with your share of the money?
- Lucky Day: [thinks] A car. A big, shiny silver car. I'll drive all over Hollywood. Show Flugleman a thing or two. What about you?
- Dusty Bottoms: New York. Maybe Paris. Champagne. Parties. I'll be a big shot for a while.
- Lucky Day: Yeah.
- Dusty Bottoms: How about you, Ned?
- Ned Nederlander: I'm gonna start a foundation to help homeless children.
- Dusty Bottoms:[he and Lucky realize how selfless that is compared to their ideas] That occurred to me to do that at one point, too.
- Lucky Day: Well, I meant that I would do that first, and then I would get a big shiny car.
- El Guapo: What? Are gringos falling from the sky?
- [Ned falls to the ground]
- Jefe: Yes, El Guapo.
- Bartender: We don't have no beer, just tequila.
- Ned Nederlander: What's tequila?
- Bartender: ...It's like beer...
- Dusty Bottoms: Is it fattening?
- Bartender: ...Fat-ten-ing?
- Lucky Day: Not so fast, El Guapo! Or I'll fill you so full of lead that you'll be using your dick for a pencil!
- El Guapo: What do you mean?
- Lucky Day: ...I don’t know.
- Jefe: I think he means that if you –
- El Guapo: SHUT UP!
- [The Amigos are facing down El Guapo's men]]
- Ned Nederlander: [whispers] Tell us we will die like dogs.
- El Guapo: You will die like dogs!
- Dusty Bottoms: No, we will not die like dogs, we will fight like lions!
- Dusty Bottoms: Time for plan B. Plan A was to break into El Guapo's fortress.
- Carmen: And that you have done, now what?
- Dusty Bottoms: Well we really dont have a plan B. We didn't expect for the first plan to work. Sometimes you can overplan these things.
- Lucky Day: I'll come back some day.
- Carmen: Why?
- Lucky Day: Well, I thought...[stumbles over his words]
- Steve Martin - Lucky Day
- Chevy Chase - Dusty Bottoms
- Martin Short - Ned Nederlander
- Alfonso Arau - El Guapo
- Tony Plana - Jefe
- Humberto Ortiz - Pablo
- Patrice Martinez - Carmen
- Philip Gordon - Rodrigo
- Fred Asparagus - Bartender
- Kai Wulff - German
- Randy Newman - Singing Bush (voice)