Titus (TV series)
Sex With Pudding [1.1]
- Titus: Dave's my brother. I love him with all my heart. No matter how many times I'm charged as an accessory.
- Titus: Erin's office. Inflammable. Non-flammable. You gotta be a dictionary to know what burns.
Dad's Dead [1.2]
- Titus: Hey, once you've driven a drunk father to mom's parole hearing, what else is there?
- Erin: So I'm sitting in a meeting when my pager goes off with a message. It says "Dad's dead." So I race out of the meeting and drive all the way to Santa Maria because, naturally, I think "My dad's dead"!
- Titus: Honey, your dad is not dead.
- Erin: [with dry sarcasm] Yeah, I know that now. [back to normal] Because if he were, what I walked in on my mother doing to him would be so... sick.
- Titus: Honey, I should’ve said “My dad’s dead.”
- Erin: [laughs sarcastically] If wasn’t funny for my father, it’s not funny for yours either. [notices Titus’ and Dave’s crestfallen faces] Unless it’s not a joke… Papa Titus is dead!?
- Dave: We did page you.
Dave Moves Out [1.3]
- Titus: All he does is mess with people's minds!
- Ken: You're right, I do.
- Titus: See, you're doing it right now!
- Ken: [slyly] No, I'm not.
- Titus: Yes, you are!
- Ken: All right, I am.
- Titus: Stop it!
- [Flashback to when Titus was 17, four months, two weeks, six days, and nine hours after he told Ken off and moved out to live on his own]
- Christopher (wailing while banging on the door): Daddy! My key doesn't work in the door any more! I have laundry!
- Ken: [opens door] Laundry? [squirts dish soap over Titus' shirt] Here's some soap. Find a rock and a river.
The Breakup [1.4]
- Erin: You slept with her?
- Titus: She said, "You want some pie?" I didn't know it was a metaphor!
- Ken: (flashback) Hey, it was just a bad call. Bad call on your part! I cheated on my last wife with you! What did you think was going to happen? Caveat emptor, baby! Great ass.
Titus Integritous [1.5]
- Titus: I'm doing the right thing. I'm integritous.
- Tommy: "Integritous"?
- Titus: It's a word.
- Dave I'm Integritous. It's my gladiator name.
Red Asphalt [1.6]
- Titus: A Glock-9 holds seventeen bullets. Is that what we've come to? I piss you off in traffic you need seventeen bullets to kill me?
- [Thinking they are going to die, Titus, Erin, Dave, and Tommy are voicing their regrets in life.]
- Erin: I never got to see Ireland.
- Titus: Honey, you never got to see San Diego.
- Erin: [with dry sarcasm] That helps.
Mom's Not Nuts [1.7]
- Titus: My dad is a negative, judgmental pain in the ass who destroyed my self-esteem and tortured me my entire life. My mom's a violent, paranoid schizophrenic. God, I love my dad.
- Ken Titus: I hear Looney Tunes made dinner. I'm surprised. Usually, the turkey is saying such threatening things to her, she can't get close enough to cook it.
- (in the Neutral Space)
- Christopher Titus: Thanksgiving (cut to Juanita shooting a raw turkey with a handgun): A very special episode.
- Titus: We think you have a problem. It's about your drinking.
- Ken: But I haven't had a drink in a month.
- Titus: Dad, we'd like you to start again.
- [Ken, having started drinking again, reveals that Tommy had a dream about Titus in which Titus was naked.]
- Tommy: The nudity, it wasn't gratuitous, it was integral to the plot of of the dream!
- Titus: [disgusted] There was a plot?
- Tommy: You were a pirate.
- [Titus moans in disgust.]
- Rich: You see a man drowning, you throw him a beer.
Episode Eleven [1.9]
- Titus: Dad, is there anything I can do?
- Ken: See if you can trade yourself in for a nice Korean kid. (a nearby Asian nurse glares at him)
- Titus: (pointing at the nurse) Uh, dad--
- Ken: I'll name him Ho-John Titus.
- Titus: Dad--
- Ken: Ho-John wouldn't steal my distributor cap, and I could probably get him for a pack of cigarettes.
- Titus: (pointing at the nurse) Why don't you see if she can help you?
- Ken: (turning to the nurse) You know where I can get a Korean kid?
- [As a practical joke, Titus has convinced hospital staffers to shave Ken's testicles.]
- Ken: I look like a nine year-old boy.
- Officer Charlie Regan: You have a custom car shop? I want my Viper flamed.
- Dave: And I want my pot back.
- Titus: Dave, we're bribing him.
- Dave: But he already has my pot!
Titus is Dead [2.1]
- [Ken Titus is recovering from a heart attack.]
- Ken: Jesus was laughing when I went into the light!
- Titus: He was laughing 'cause you were trying to get into heaven!
- Nurse Kathy: Are you talking? Because I'm fine with you dying. The murderer has paid me through the end of the week.
- Titus: Whoa, whoa, whoa — attempted murderer. And I would have pled it down to manslaughter. You don't even know the law, lady!
- Ken (to Titus): I wish you were still in my loins. I wish you never grew in your mother's womb. You should have been fetal research. You're dead to me! (slams the door in Titus' face)
The Test [2.2]
- Dave: Here's your sperm, and the wheelbarrow's in the tree.
- Titus: Dave, wake up. We've got to get our blood tested.
- Dave: Is there something wrong with my sperm?
- [Titus glares at Dave.]
- Titus: I'm sure of it.
The Surprise Party [2.3]
- Titus: In a normal family, surprise means presents, cake, and a party. In my family, surprise means homelessness, abandonment, and destruction of private property. And we have cake too. We're not losers.
- Dave: Taco Night is a tasty corn shell full of lies!
(in the Neutral Space)
- Titus: How many massacres have started off with "Surprise!"? Pearl Harbor. The Tet Offensive. (breaks down crying): My uncle's 50th birthday...I WAS THERE, MAN! (wailing): How many more have to die?!
What's Up Hollywood? [2.4]
- Titus: Dad has found a new way to screw with me. He told me he was "proud" of me.
- Erin: Well it's about time he said that. You're great at what you do!
- Dave: He got to her!
- Titus: Dave, she likes me.
- Dave: [slyly] Oh, right.
- [After Ken's arrest for DWI, which occurred while he was driving his newly-customized pickup truck.]
- Ken: You built me a cop magnet! I might as well be a black guy driving a large powdered doughnut!
Locking Up Mom [2.5]
- Erin: Christopher, do you think we're doing the right thing? This place is like a prison.
- Titus: Well, Mom is like a criminal.
- [The hospital doctors want to begin Juanita's hearing without Ken.]
- Juanita: He's probably stuck in traffic.
- Titus: [accusingly] Or in a mason jar.
- Dave: Or something you put jam in!
- [Titus stares at Dave.]
- Titus: Like a mason jar.
(in the Neutral Space)
- Titus: When I was seven, I watched One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest with my mom. When Jack Nicholson was strapped to the table getting electroshock treatment, my mom burst into tears. She said it reminded her of her life. (chokes up): And I was stunned...because I didn't know my mom had been nominated for an Oscar.
The Perfect Thanksgiving [2.6]
- [at the hospital, after the Tituses and Fitzpatricks got into a Thanksgiving family fued]
- Titus: Oh, Kathy, I'm so glad you're here. That's how much pain I'm in.
- [Titus has shrieked after having his shoulder re-located]
- Dave: Titus, this place is freaking me out. Did you just hear that little girl scream?
- Titus: [scoffing] Yeah, what's her deal?
Tommy's Girlfriend [2.7]
- Dave: Here's what you do. You give her a fish with a note attached that says "Life stinks without you." You stuff it with chick stuff like little soaps. But erotically-shaped little soaps. Otherwise she might think it's a let's-be-friends fish.
- [Tommy has misinterpreted Titus' instructions about running into an ex-girlfriend.]
- Tommy: You said make it look like an accident!
- Titus: [incredulous] Not a car accident! Who are you? Dave?
- Dave: Yeah, dumbass.
The Reconciliation [2.8]
- Ken: Choose. Who do you want in your life, her or me?
- Titus: I don't have to choose between you. I'm not 5... 7, 12, or 16 any more.
- [Juanita's fiancee Bill is analyzing the Titus family]
- Ken: He sounds like some dime store shrink!
- Bill: Stanford, actually.
Last Noelle [2.9]
- [talking about a Christmas fight in which he locked his girlfriend out of the house]
- When all of the sudden there arose such a clatter,
- I sprang from the couch to see what was a matter.
- I went to the window and tore open the blinds,
- And there was my girlfriend, quite out of her mind!
- And I was just standing there, heart pounding with fear,
- She was bangin' on the glass door with a vodka bottle…filled right 'bout to here.
- And I knew the window couldn't take it.
- As she screamed, "Unlock it, you bastard, or, I swear, I'll break it!"
- Well, I couldn't do that; it was a rented place.
- So I opened the door, and she punched me in the face!
- And I summoned my manhood from bottom to top,
- And I screamed like a little girl…"I'M CALLING THE COPS!"
Sunday! Sunday! Sunday! [2.10]
- Titus: Hey, guys, you know you're out in public. In front of people. Bumping nipples!
When I Say Jump [2.11]
- Titus: Normal people see a bridge spanning a 1500 foot gorge and think, "What a beautiful architectural achievement." Screwed-up people see the same bridge and think, "Oh, I gotta jump off of that!" With a parachute. I'm not an idiot.
(Dave is about to push Titus down a flight of cement stairs in a shopping cart)
- Titus: Okay, what's the record?
- Dave: (through his headgear) Fifteen stairs!
- Titus: What?
- Dave: Fifteen stairs!
- Titus: All right, fifteen stairs! Go! (Dave pushes the cart) Woo-hoo!
- Dave: Yeah! (loud crash, Titus groans) Oh my God, Titus! Your head is touching your butt!
- Titus: I can hear the ocean.
- Erin: Christopher, you know how some girls have dreams about being beauty queens, or astronauts, or doctors?
- Titus: No.
- Erin: My dream was always to be the only girl in my family... to never get arrested.
Episode 27 [2.12]
- Titus: My father never chooses me for anything, unless he needs a human shield.
- [Titus is showing Kathy the video of Ken's drunk driving arrest.]
- Titus: Has anyone ever seen a cop that pissed off?
- [Dave proudly raises his hand.]
- Titus: Besides Dave?
The Smell of Succes [2.13]
- [Titus has lost his business and kicked Erin out.]
- Ken All of this crap is going to work out. You've just got to quit being a wussy!
- Ken: You know, I liked you better when you had hope.
- Titus: No, you didn't.
Deprogramming Erin [2.14]
- Titus: I do a lot of crazy things when I'm drunk.
- Erin: I'm in a sack.
- Titus And when I'm sober!
- [Titus has put Erin in a sack]
- Tommy: I'm letting her out.
- Titus: Go ahead.
- Tommy: OWWW!
- Titus: She might bite you.
- [Spotting a hitchhiker]
- Titus: It's 1 am in the morning[sic] in the desert. She's either a werewolf or an alien.
- Ken: Maybe she came to our planet to see if there's life in my pants!
- [Having been tricked by Erin into spending time together, Titus and Ken plot on how to pay her back.]
- Titus: What's the worst thing you can do to a pretty woman?
- Ken: Throw hot acid in her face.
- [Titus spit-takes his coffee.]
- Titus: Dad, more practical joke, less lifetime deformity.
- Ken: I was talking hypothetically! I love Erin!
Life Forward [2.16]
- Ken Titus: Hey! Don't you ever call me again and tell me that you love me and you forgive me!
- Christopher: Hi, Dad.
- Ken Titus: I would rather a highway patrol officer show up on my doorstep with your head in a bag!
- Jerry October: Welcome to Life Forward, where people discover what holds them back in life.
- Ken Titus: All these people have kids?
- Jerry October: Dave, why don't you tell us what you really want?
- Dave: (sobbing) But I told you! I want to be bitten by a radioactive spider and get super powers!
Gift of the Car Guy [2.17]
- [Titus learns that Erin has been working as a waitress in a strip club.]
- Titus: Why didn't you drag her out of there?
- Ken: You don't drag a woman out of a strip club! You put a twenty in your zipper and you back out, slowly.
- Titus: Dad, you know she can't work in a place like that. You should have done something.
- Ken: All right, how much?
- Titus: Something. Anything. Just get her the hell out of there.
- Ken: Numbnuts, how much money do you want to keep her from working there?
- Titus: "Numbuts"?
- Ken: Erin is not going to work at that bar! I don't want to have to check every waitress' face before I pinch her behind. [opens his checkbook] Three grand?
- Titus: What?
- Ken: Five grand.
- Titus: You know, you're amazing? My business is going under, you won't lend me money. I start drinking again, you don't lend me money. But my girlfriend makes you uncomfortable about staring at the nipples of disturbed ex-cheerleaders, and all of sudden you're willing to fork over five grand? Well, you know something, dad? I'll take it!
Tommy's Girlfriend II [2.18]
- Titus: Don't screw Erin over. Because she hangs onto everything. She's exactly like Buddha. You know, if Buddha was vengeful, angry and laid down a whole lot of whoop-ass. So, the other Buddha.
Hard Ass [2.19]
- Tommy: It's Amy! Well, well, someone's turning into a woman!
- Amy: Yeah. And I'm looking at her.
- Ken Titus: There's a huge pile of gay on your front porch.
- Tommy: I'm not gay!
- Ken Titus: Yeah, tell it to your shirt.
Private Dave [2.20]
- Titus: Dave, thank God you're not dead!
- Dave: Well, no thanks to you. I was supposed to kill myself an hour ago.
- Titus: I just got your suicide note. Maybe next time you shouldn't mail it!
- [After throwing Titus through a window]
- Sgt. Gordon: Maybe you should join the Air Force now that you know how to fly.
Three Strikes [2.21]
- Michael: This will be my third strike.
- Erin: He'll go to prison for the rest of his life!
- Titus: Get to the bad part!
- Cop: We found this guy outside, hiding in a bush.
- Dave: Please tell me they didn't find my secret stash of weed!
- Titus: Dave!
- Dave: I mean, my secret stash of... pot.
The Pit [2.22]
- Ken: Your driver is launching cock-eyed. You might want to have a talk with him instead of looking at the headlines for typos.
- Jay Leno: That was very funny. Are you a Nielsen box?
- Ken: No.
- Jay Leno: Then shut up, then!
- Christopher: People on TV suck. If you ever meet somebody from TV, I want you to punch them right in the face. It'll probably get you on TV.
The Pendulum [2.23]
- Erin: You taught [Christopher] how to swim by chucking him in a lake. You taught him not to stick his finger in a light socket by letting him stick is finger in a light socket! You let a car fall on him; I still don't know what that taught him.
- Ken Titus: Cars are heavy.
- Erin: Everybody knows that!
- Ken Titus: So does he, thanks to me!
The Wedding [2.24]
- Titus: Where's my tux?
- Tommy: Somebody's bringing it.
- Titus: "Somebody" who?
- Tommy: Nobody. Dave.
- Titus: No!
- Dave: [walking in with tux] "I'm getting married in five days." Well, lies, lies, LIES!
- Bill: Where is all of this anger coming from?
- Titus: Well, some of it's from my childhood. But a little of it is from you punching my mom in the face!
Racing in the Streets [3.1]
- Ken: What's your hurry? Your fifteen kids will still be waiting for you when you get home.
- Castro: [sarcastically] Si, señor. But first I have to go feed the donkey, put on a big sombrero and fall asleep underneath a tree. [back to normal] You racist Irish drunk. [Castro and his team walk off.]
- Ken: Now that's my kind of Mexican!
- Ken: Oh, by the way; shorts that go all the way down to your ankles — pants!
Amy's Birthday [3.2]
- Titus: (opening narration) Normal people who grow up with compassion never amount to anything. They're the ones who end up gluing those little dots on the highway, or putting glue on the dots for the guy who glues dots on the highway. But screwed-up people who weren't coddled or raised with compassion? Ho-ho! We get stuff done. Sure, we feel a little alone and abandoned, but we're (choked up) very happy. Why can't you love me, Daddy?!
- Amy: I don't want you here!
- Erin: Amy, we've invited all your friends..it's gonna be a party!
- Amy: It's gonna be a "Look, Amy lives in garbage!" party.
Tommy's Not Gay [3.3]
- [Tommy has used the words "daquilicious" and "skosh" in conversation.]
- Tommy: Oh, my God. "Daquilicious." "Skosh." I'm a homo!
- Titus: *spit-take*
- (Christopher introduces his dad to Roger, a black boy)
- Titus: Hey, Dad, this is Roger. He just moved into the neighborhood.
- Ken: Oh, that explains it. First time I ever saw a black man take a TV into a house.
Shannon's Song [3.4]
- Titus: "Losing builds character." You know who said that? A loser.
Grad School [3.5]
- Titus: Being a superhero is hard work. You have to wear those rubber tights in the summer when it's hot. Ehh. You have to hide who you really are by pretending you're the caring, supportive boyfriend. You have to make sure that no one discovers the true identity of... Your-Dream-Is-Stupid Man!
- Titus: Erin never does things halfway. You should see her eat ribs. She's like a dingo with a baby.
House Boat [3.6]
- (Ken Titus's 10th Christmas)
- 10-Year-Old Ken Titus: A toy puppy! Thanks, Mom.
- Grandma Titus: Aw, damn it. I forgot to put holes in the box. Well, play with it today, 'cuz tomorrow, it'll be hard.
(in the Neutral Space. Titus is holding a gift with a tag that says, "To: Titus, From: Dad". While Christopher is talking, the box is silently ticking)
- Titus: "To: Titus, From Dad". My dad's a new man. My dad learned that forgiveness is better than hate and vengeance. Next year, we'll teach him that heart attacks are not like women: you just can't keep having them.
The Trial [3.7]
- Titus: I wish everybody had a mom like mine.
- Prosecutor: A mother who kills people?
- Titus: Person. She killed one person. You make it sound like a hobby!
Grandma Titus [3.8]
- Tommy: Do you remember me, Mrs. Titus?
- Grandma Titus: Of course, Tommy. Have you found a nice young man to settle down with?
- Tommy: I'm not gay.
- Grandma Titus: Oh. Then you're not the Tommy I knew.
- Grandma Titus: George Washington crossed the Delaware River to get to the whores!
- Dave: Delaware is famous for its whores.
- (after Titus saves Amy from attempting suicide by swallowing pills and drinking alcohol)
- Titus: Vodka and pills? (a beat): I told you to stay out of my Dad's earthquake kit.
Tommy's Crush [3.10]
- [Titus is facing off against Shannon's husband Stefan.]
- Titus: Listen, Tommy, you do anything to hurt Shannon, you're gonna have to deal with that Swede and, uh...Dad, what are we, German-Irish?
- Ken: White. That's all that matters.
- (the audience groans and Erin stares at Ken in shock)
- Erin: [offended] Papa Titus!
- Ken: In society's eyes, I'm saying!
Into Thin Air [3.11]
- [Hanging from a tree, Titus falls and gets caught in another tree.]
- Dave: That's justice, Titus! Tree justice. The mighty oak strikes back!
- [Titus looks around at his surroundings.]
- Titus: It's a spruce!
Too Damn Good [3.12]
- Titus: You said I was the worst possible result of an orgasm!
- Ken: You took that as an insult?
Bachelor Party [3.13]
- [after Nicky's water breaks; two neighbors who can help don't get along]
- Christopher: Is everybody here missing a chromosome?
- Nicky: Hey, I live here. And anybody with a forehead that big shouldn't be making chromosome jokes.
- [Titus frowns and feels his forehead]
- Ken Titus: Come on, let's go! I'm out of booze and sober is nipping at my heels!
- Nicky: Oh, boo hoo! I've got a watermelon nipping at my crotch!
- Ken Titus: Now I'm hungry. [to diner owners] Can I get a fruit plate?
Hot Streak [3.14]
- Erin: You want him to have your kind of fun. You need to go have his kind of fun.
- Titus: [confused] You want me to rip myself a new one?
- [Ken goes bust at the blackjack table.]
- Ken: Damn it! The wussy must be here!
The Session [3.15]
- Erin: Isn't there something you always wanted from your dad?
- Titus: A "do not resuscitate" order?
- Titus: Dad always sugarcoats the truth. The way a stray lawn dart sugarcoats your drunken uncle's neck.
Same Courtesy [3.16]
- Titus: Vengeance is good. It's what separates us from the animals and the daisies. But, you need something really bad to take vengeance for. Like, your girlfriend hogs the chocolate milk, no. But, your girlfriend drags you into therapy and lets your family secretly watch while you weep, well, I think even the daisies want to kick a little girlfriend ass.
- Shannon: People screaming in the front yard. It must be a Titus family party.
After Mrs. Shafter [3.17]
- [Tommy's gay father, Perry, shows up.]
- Ken: Shouldn't you be out there dancing with the construction worker, the cop, and the Indian?
- (Tommy is threatening to stab Ken with a knife)
- Titus: Tommy, I get it. I remember the first time I tried to stab my dad with a knife. Welcome to the family. (to Ken): You got this.
- Ken: Yeah.
- (scene flips to Ken threatening to stab Tommy)
- Titus: And that's what happened the first time I tried to stab my dad with a knife.
The Visit [3.18]
- Titus: My mom's not a bad person. She just has bad people living inside her. She's very creative in the way she hurts people. She could've been famous, but she wouldn't sign the Batman-Villain release form.
- Titus: Erin's the kind of woman who can rip your head off and make you feel like a bad boy. God, that's sexy. (shrugs) I'm damaged.
Insanity Genetic(1) [3.19]
- Titus: Do you know what my first thought was when I heard my mother killed herself?
- Titus/Ken: Did she take anyone else out with her?
- Stewardess: Sir, were you smoking in the bathroom?
- Ken: [through a cloud of smoke] Define... "in the bathroom."
Insanity Genetic(2) [3.20]
- [The FBI believes that the Titus family to be a terrorist group.]
- Erin: We can't plan a hijacking! Listen, we can't even plan a wedding.
- [straight cut to Titus]
- Titus: Oh, we planned the wedding. We didn't plan on my mom killing her husband at the wedding. That was Mom's idea. She didn't know what to get us.
- Titus: If you asked them to kill Gerald Ford, only two of them would do it.
- [cut to Dave]
- Dave: So, he wants Ford dead...
The Protector [3.21]
- [A boy at school has been harassing Erin's niece Amy.]
- Titus: I hate bullies!
- Tommy: You're about to beat up a kid with a bat!
- Titus: What's your point?
- Titus: A reckless accusation can ruin a person's life, any person's like my high school rival, Mario Copono from Fremont, California. His life would suck if somebody went on national television and just said out loud that he prances around in women's underwear. Man, I hope that never happens to...Mario Copono of Fremont, California.
- Titus: Mental illness is a chemical imbalance that can make you hallucinate, hear voices, be insanely happy, or horribly depressed. It's actually the same symptoms of being in love. [Picks up Erin's picture] And you can never know how love is gonna go, and you're never gonna know when love ends. [Places it face down on the ledge] But you need to know that love is never over, ever, because there are 3.5 billion men in the world and 3.5 billion women. [Takes off his shirt and puts on a sombrero] And if you're bisexual, you have no excuse to not be happy. [Goes to shut off the light as usual, but holds back] You know, that she's weapons-trained... why is that so sexy?
- [He leaves through the door, letting it shut behind him.]
- Christopher Titus - Christopher Titus
- Cynthia Watros - Erin Fitzpatrick
- Zach Ward - Dave Titus
- Stacy Keach - Ken Titus
- David Shatraw - Tommy Shafter
- Rachel Roth - Amy Ferrer