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Zorro, The Gay Blade

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Zorro, the Gay Blade is a 1981 feature film. This comedy features George Hamilton in a Golden Globe-nominated dual role as both Don Diego de la Vega (Zorro) and his gay twin brother Bunny Wigglesworth, né Ramon De La Vega.

Story and Screenplay by: Johnston McCulley, Hal Dresner, Greg Alt, Don Moriarty, and Bob Randall
Directed by: Peter Medak
Starring George Hamilton
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Dialogue

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[Don Diego is lounging in his bed with a beautiful woman.]
Veronica: Tell me the truth. Do you think I'm a good wife?
Don Diego: Veronica… you are more exciting than Venus herself.
Veronica: Then why doesn't my husband ever say that?
Don Diego: Because he's not intelligent. He is not intuitive. He is not insightful.
[A man leaps through an open but curtained door.]
Don Garcia: And he is not in Barcelona!
. . .
Don Diego: Don Garcia, I am astonished you would enter my house without my permission!
Don Garcia: I might say the same thing about you with my wife!
Don Diego: I do not wish to insult you, my dear Garcia, but I could fight four men such as you!
Don Garcia: You are quite right, Don Diego.
Don Diego: You see?
Don Garcia: That is why I brought my FIVE BROTHERS!
[Diego arrives in Los Angeles.]
Don Diego: Los Angeles de California. The birthplace… of me.
Don Diego: That is, uh, my servant, Paco. He is a mute. He cannot speak.
Captain Esteban: Oh, excellent! Perhaps he can give lessons to my wife.
Captain Esteban: Your father, I'm sorry to say, had a terrible accident.
Don Diego: Accident?
Captain Esteban: Sí. He was out riding when his horse was frightened by a turtle.
. . .
Captain Esteban: My friend — I want you to know that the turtle who caused this has been executed.
[The landowners meet to elect a new Alcalde.]
Captain Esteban: Caballeros! I believe you all know each other?
Don Diego: Don Diego from San Fernando.
Don Francisco: Don Francisco from San Jose.
Don Fernando: Don Fernando from San Diego.
Don Jose: Don Jose from San Bernardino.
Luis Obispo: Luis Obispo from Bakersfield.
[A peasant is being stretched on the rack.]
Captain Esteban: That man was three pesos short in paying his taxes. I can assure you that he will never be short again.
Captain Esteban: Arrest that woman! Now!
Charlotte Taylor Wilson: No, wait! Isn't this the village square, where according to law, everyone is allowed to speak his or her mind?
Captain Esteban: You're right, Señorita. [yelling to the crowd] The woman is allowed to speak! But arrest anyone who listens.
. . .
Charlotte Taylor Wilson: [to the crowd] Let your voices be heard! Oppose the… greedy bloodsuckers!
[She drops her pamphlets. Diego picks them up and hands them to her.]
Charlotte Taylor Wilson: Thank you. I'm Charlotte Taylor Wilson. I'm with the People's Independence Committee.
Don Diego: Don Diego Vega. I'm with the… greedy bloodsuckers.
Don Diego: The peoples are quite happy working the land for the caballeros!
Charlotte Taylor Wilson: You don't really believe the people are happy!
Don Diego: [quietly] All I know is the soldiers are very happy shooting the peoples who say the peoples are not happy.
Charlotte Taylor Wilson: Could you tell me where I might find a decent inn?
Don Diego: An inn?! With all your talk about the people, I see you like decent inns! And you wear expensive clothes, not the rags. And you smell of the sultry perfumes, not the… ship oil.
Charlotte Taylor Wilson: Ship oil? [pauses in puzzlement] You mean the oil from boats?
Don Diego: No, ship oil, from the ships in the field.
Charlotte Taylor Wilson: [slowly] What ships… in the field?
Don Diego: Jou have never heard of the ships in the field? The little, uh… baa-baa-baas?
Charlotte Taylor Wilson: Oh, you mean "sheep"!
Don Diego: Jes, that is what I said.
Charlotte Taylor Wilson: No, you said "ship"! Forgive me, but you have a very pronounced accent.
Don Diego: Jou're trying to change the subject from the fact that jou are actually… very wealthy.
Charlotte Taylor Wilson: I am not… very wealthy!
Don Diego: After all, what poor woman can afford three names? Answer me that if you can, Señorita [counting off on his fingers] Charlotte… Taylor… Wilson.
[Don Diego reads a letter from his deceased father that he finds among the Zorro accoutrements.]
Vega Sr.: The sword, with which to fight injustice. This mask, with which to deceive tyranny. And this hat, which needs… reblocking.
[While Diego was reading his father's letter, Paco has donned his own costume, which makes him look like a life-sized teddy bear.]
Don Diego: What're you supposed to be, eh, a… duck? A bear? Don't be silly — bears don't have ears like that. I will allow you that you are a… a pig, but that is as far as I will go. That's all.
[On the road, Don Diego has defeated an apparent brigand in swordplay.]
Tax Collector: I beg your mercy from- from your flashing blade, and—
[Paco shows up in bear regalia.]
Tax Collector: Ooooh! Oh my God! — also from your hideous dog!
[Diego returns the money — and then some — to the old man and his family.]
Diego Zorro: You recognize that famous sign, eh?
Old Man: Oh, yes, Señor. It is a number "2".
Diego Zorro: That is not a "2". That is a "Z"!
Old Man: Oh, if you say so, Señor! But in the school, that is how they teach my granddaughter to draw a "2"!
Diego Zorro: Well, I say it is a "Z" — for "El Zorro"!
Diego Zorro: Spread the news… that he is back! To help the helpless! To befriend the friendless! And to defeat… the feetless!
[Zorro escorts Charlotte into the costume party, but Paco the "Bear" is stopped at the door.]
Guard: Where is your invitation, Señor Beaver?
[The "brigand", who turns out to be the Alcalde's henchman Velasquez, reports to Esteban about his misadventure.]
Velasquez: He said his name was, uh… "Zero". He was dressed all in black, and was accompanied by a… hideous dog.
[Florinda chats with the mysterious black-clad stranger.]
Florinda: You know, as the Alcalde's wife, I must play many, many, many roles, but the people only see the part I play in public. Only a few select friends know my private parts.
[Velasquez points out Zorro, who is dancing with Florinda.]
Captain Esteban: That man in the black sombrero — this is Zero?
Old Man: I am certain of it!
Captain Esteban: Then the hideous dog you refer to must be my wife, yeah?
[Zorro crosses swords with the Alcalde.]
Captain Esteban: Is your blade as sharp as your tongue?
Zorro: Is yours as dull as your wit?
. . .
Captain Esteban: You're a little clumsy, are you not, my friend?
Zorro: To be your friend, I would have to be more than clumsy — I would have to be estupid!
[Florinda, crawling up a ladder into Diego's bedroom, tells him about Zorro's party intrusion.]
Florinda: He made a complete fool out of Esteban. Ha ha!
Don Diego: Well, with Esteban, there is so much material to work with!
[Florinda moans about her miserable life with Esteban.]
Florinda: Do you realize… that we only make love 12 times a year?
Don Diego: Once a month is not too bad!
Florinda: I mean, 12 times in one night! And then, for the rest of the year — nothing!
Don Diego: Tell me… on that one night… does he eat anything especial? Oysters? Raw eggs?
Florinda: Garlic. A lot of garlic.
Don Diego: Ah!
Florinda: Diego, darling! Why didn't I marry you instead of him?
Don Diego: Perhaps because he asked you and I did not.
[A suspicious, crazed Esteban forces an injured Diego to demonstrate his ability to move about.]
Captain Esteban: Now walking and running and jumping in place, and…
Esteban, Diego: [in unison] … now walking and running and jumping in place, and now walking and jumping and running in place—
Captain Esteban: STOP!
[Captain Esteban confronts Don Diego at his home to determine if he is Zorro]
Captain Esteban:Now, lisp like a sissy
Don Diego:[lisps]
Captain Esteban:That's right! Now, swing your hips …
Captain Esteban:Excellent! Now flap your wrists …
Captain Esteban:And repeat after me [Esteban speaks in a greatly exaggerated sissy voice] "You naughty, naughty, evil Alcalde! I am going to do … many terrible things … TO YOU!" [laughs hysterically]
[After Esteban skewers the casket in which Florinda is hiding, he leaves. Diego opens the casket to find Florinda, pressed up against one side.]
Don Diego: Florinda, you're not hurt!
[She shakes her bosom.]
Florinda: Thank God for small favors!
[Diego is limping around on his broken foot.]
Don Diego: My father would be very ashamed of me now. To come all this distance, and miss my destiny by… a foot.
[The mute Paco gestures wildly at Diego.]
Don Diego: Are jou jelling at me?
[A flamboyant stranger presents himself at Don Diego's home.]
Don Diego: I know you?
Bunny Wigglesworth: Know me? Sink me! We were once… womb-mates!
Bunny Wigglesworth: They say the Navy makes men. Well, I'm living proof — they made me.
[Diego's brother Ramon, now "Bunny Wigglesworth", heads inside to greet their father.]
Bunny Wigglesworth: … I ought to freshen up and say "Hi-ho!" to the old gent. Tell me, is he still as loud as ever?
[Diego looks crestfallen.]
Don Diego: No. The last month, he's been very… quiet.
[Diego senses a flaw in Bunny's impersonation of Zorro.]
Don Diego: Dere is-a something wrong with his bowels.
Bunny Wigglesworth: My what?
Don Diego: Jour bowels! The way you say your "ah", your "ee", and your… "jooz".
[During one of Bunny Zorro's appearances before the people…]
Bunny Zorro: And remember, my people — there is no shame in being poor, only dressing poorly!
[Outside Diego's home, Bunny is diguised as a priest wearing crisom velvet monk's robe.]
Captain Esteban: Tell me, Father — what order commands its priests to wear such strange clothes?
Bunny Wigglesworth: We are followers of Peter the Dressmaker. He who was Christ's tailor.
[As Bunny Zorro gets a head start on his escape…]
Captain Esteban: Ah, Padre, with your permission, I would like to make to you a small donation, if I may, to your order.
Bunny Zorro: Your horse and your gold are gift enough! The people thank you, Your Repugnancy!
Captain Esteban: Now you mock the Church! Now you have me and God against you!
Don Diego: Me too!
Captain Esteban: FRUITCAKE!
[After hatching his masked-ball plan to trap Zorro, Esteban embraces his wife passionately.]
Captain Esteban: Do you know… that little thing… we do… one night… every year?
Florinda: Yes! Oh, yes!
[Esteban drops her on the floor and walks off.]
Captain Esteban: We still have three months to go!
Florinda: You fink!
[Esteban, dressed rather appropriately as Henry VIII, addresses his guards before the ball.]
Captain Esteban: He is cunning! He is crafty. He's not just going to walk in here and say, "Here I am!"
[Diego, dressed as Zorro, enters the palace.]
Don Diego: Here I am!
[Diego admires Florinda's necklace.]
Don Diego: It looks like it'll buy the peoples a lot of houses, maybe even some schools and roads.
Florinda: Roads? What do the people need roads for? They never go anywhere.
[In the women's restroom, Bunny, dressed as a woman, continues to help/hassle Florinda.]
Florinda: If you don't stop touching me, I shall have you… destroyed!
[Florinda finally escapes Bunny and complains to her husband.]
Captain Esteban: Your neck!
Florinda: Did that woman bruise me? She's got hands like an gorilla!
[She drops her hands to her upper chest, where her necklace isn't.]
Esteban, Florinda: Neck! Neck! Neck! Neck!
Diego Zorro: Now I know it is permitted for a man to be… bulnerable.
Charlotte Taylor Wilson: It's "vulnerable".
[As the Alcade's men approach, Zorro takes his leave of Miss Wilson.]
Diego Zorro: And when I return, we will not have to worry how to pronounce, ah, ah… "bir—"
Charlotte Taylor Wilson: "Virgin"!
[Esteban calls Zorro's bluff, forcing Zorro to surrender to prevent Charlotte's execution.]
Captain Esteban: I have always depended on people being nicer than me, and I have never in my life been disappointed.
[The guards move Charlotte away from and Diego onto the execution platform.]
Charlotte Taylor Wilson: You're the bravest man I have ever met.
Don Diego: [nervously] I'm very impressed with myself, too.
Florinda: Isn't he marvelous?
Don Fernando: He wears clothes well. I could never get into his pants.
Florinda: I bet I could.
Guard: … you are sentenced to be executed… until you are dead!
Charlotte Taylor Wilson: I have only one regret…
Diego Zorro: [to himself] One? I have one for every day I'm not going to live!
Bunny Zorro: Two bits, four bits / Six bits, a peso / All for Zorro / Stand up and say so!
Don Diego: What jou like for a wedding present?
Charlotte Taylor Wilson: For myself, nothing. But I thought for the people, you might donate your land.
Don Diego: I give my land to the peoples? If we give away my land, where you think we gonna live?
Charlotte Taylor Wilson: Boston!
Don Diego: Boston?!
Charlotte Taylor Wilson: It's really the only civilized city. The best food, the best art, the best music!
Don Diego: The best music. You gotta be joking! I spent a week in Boston once, and I don't think I heard a decent Mariachi player in the city!

Tagline

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Cast

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