Agatha All Along

Agatha All Along is a 2024 Disney Plus original series following the character Agatha Harkness following the events of WandaVision as she assembles a coven to walk the witches road so she can get her powers back.

Season 1

Seekest Thou the Road [1.1]

Rio Vidal: Yes, claw your way out.

[Agatha begins to take off multiple layers of clothing, each from a different episode of WandaVision, culminating with her costume from episode 1]

Rio Vidal: There are two Jane Doe's in this case, and you know her name, so what's yours?

[Agatha looks at the library check out card that already has "W Maximoff" on it. But now it reveals the name "A Harkness" above Maximoff. Agatha then removes that episode 1 costume and is 'reborn' back in the real world]

---

Agatha Harkness: [To Señor Scratchy] I got mugged, mister. She took every little bit of power I had and left me with household appliances, we gotta get back on top.

Circle Sewn with Fate Unlock Thy Hidden Gate [1.2]

Lilia Calderu: [Agatha and Teen have entered Lilia Calderu's place of business] Welcome to the curious.

Agatha Harkness: [Suddenly takes on a deep southern accent] Good day, madam. Oh. Thank you so much for seein' us. We are hopin' for a miracle today. [Regarding Teen] This is my boy, Beauford. He doesn't talk much. He's got social anxiety. His daddy recently passed, and we miss him somethin' awful. And we surely would love to commune with him today. But to be quite frank with you, [Softly] what is top of mind is the location of some gold bars he may or may not have buried in our backyard.

Lilia Calderu: Please. [Points towards some chairs in front of a table with a crystal ball on it]

Agatha Harkness: Thank you. You're a doll. [Teen and Agatha each take a seat]

Lilia Calderu: How will you be paying?

Agatha Harkness: Oh. [Nudges Teen] He's got it.

Lilia Calderu: Debit works.

Agatha Harkness: He always takes care of Mama. [Chuckles dryly] [To Teen]Hurry up, though. Okay?

Lilia Calderu: Your husband was a proud man.

Agatha Harkness: Oh. Indeed, he was.

Lilia Calderu: Did he golf?

Agatha Harkness: [Gasps] He died on the 18th hole. [To Teen] Oh. She's good. Now, the location of those gold bars?

Lilia Calderu: [Chuckles, and begins vocalizing] Ooh. Aah.

Agatha Harkness: [Suddenly breaking character] [To Teen] Brother.

Lilia Calderu: You'll find the gold bars in an old bowling bag at the back of his closet.

Agatha Harkness: Yes! That's it. Thank you. [Suddenly drops the accent] Thank the lady, would you, please, Beauford?

Lilia Calderu: There's something else. [Agatha looks over]

Teen: What is it?

Lilia Calderu: You've been under the influence of another. Someone you hurt.

Agatha Harkness: [Scoffs] Ah!

Lilia Calderu: They took your agency, for three years. It's not the first time your witch kin betrayed you. But you survive. In a way few do. In fact, that's why you're here. And I am not interested.

Teen: Wait, what?

Lilia Calderu: Thank you for your purchase. Your bank statement will say "Lilia's Leggings," but that's just my side hustle. [Agatha sighs in relief]

---

Lilia Calderu: What witch in her right mind would join Agatha Harkness' coven.

Agatha Harkness: [Teen lets out a soft gasp] Not looking for right minded witches, as it happens.

---

Lilia Calderu: Witches like you are the reason people think we poison apples, and steal children, and eat babies.

Agatha Harkness: Babies are delicious.

Lilia Calderu: [In disbelief] Ugh!

Agatha Harkness: How old are you? 410? 415?

Lilia Calderu: How dare you?

Agatha Harkness: Oh, I apologize. You don't look a day under 450.

Teen: Years old?

Agatha Harkness: You get, what, maybe two suckers a day in here, and 20 bucks later, you're sitting on a bed that's also your wall. Don't you miss the glory days?

Lilia Calderu: When I was chased out of every village I passed through for accurately predicting tragedy? No, I do not. Beat it, Harkness.

---

Agatha Harkness: [Entering Jennifer Kales wellness store with Teen] Hey! Where do you keep your jade eggs? I'm fresh out of marbles, and my pelvic floor is all over the place. Actually, [to the women already in the store] you gals wanna go splitsies on one? Hmm? Anyone? Anyone? Sisterhood of the traveling Kegels? No? No? Hi, Jen!

Jennifer Kale: God, Agatha! I haven't seen you since I made a really pointed effort to never run into you again.

Agatha Harkness: So good.

Jennifer Kale: How are you? Awful?

Agatha Harkness: I'm assembling a coven. I need a Potions guy. We're gonna walk The Road.

Jennifer Kale: [Scoffs] You're serious? It's a dead end. Literally.

Agatha Harkness: Oh, come on, Jen. I'm offering you the chance to finally lift the binding spell that has kept you magic-less for the last... What, century?

Teen: You look amazing.

Jennifer Kale: I know. What do you care about my magic?

Agatha Harkness: I... [grunts]

Jennifer Kale: [Gasps] Oh! You lost the Darkhold, and now you're powerless and exposed. How far you've fallen, witch killer.

Agatha Harkness: At least I'm still a witch.

Jennifer Kale: Like I care about that dusty, warty, snaggle-toothed community.

Agatha Harkness: Oh, you don't fool me. You'd chew off your own acrylics to get back into the club. Ugh! I'm not gonna waste my breath illuminating the obvious. Have fun healing the healthy.

Teen: Hi. I love your Insta page, by the way. You totally minimized the size of my pores.

Jennifer Kale: Who's this? Another child sacrifice?

Teen: I'm really sorry about your recent legal troubles. [Teen pulls up an article on his phone]

Jennifer Kale: Yes, I'm aware.

Agatha Harkness: [Reading the article] "Fraudulent misrepresentation resulting in consumer injury."

Teen: I personally would not consider superficial burns "injury," but apparently, some people needed skin grafts.

Agatha Harkness: [Gasps] Oh, Jen!

Jennifer Kale: I haven't been convicted of anything.

Agatha Harkness: Yet. Historically, we as a group don't do well in courtrooms.

Teen: The charge has a surprisingly lenient penalty, just, like, payouts, and maybe, like, five years in prison. But 800 counts of it. [Agatha gasps and laughs] Starts to get a little life-y!

Agatha Harkness: Wait. So you're magically bound, and you're about to get literally bound.

Teen: None of this pedestrian drama would be an issue for a powered-up witch.

Jennifer Kale: You think I haven't tried everything to unbind, you freaky little miscreant?

Agatha Harkness: Hey!

Teen: You've tried everything but The Road. If you value your freedom, [Grabs a piece of paper from out of his pocket] join us here, tonight.

Agatha Harkness: Oh! Gonna take a jade egg to go. You'll know where to find it.

---

Agatha Harkness: Are there any real witches in the house? Because all I see are has-beens and could've-beens.

Lilia Calderu: You recruited us.

Agatha Harkness: And I was a fool. You can forget the Witches' Road. I'd die before letting you befoul it with your noxious mediocrity. [Scoffs] What a team of rejects. [To Lilia] Coward. [To Jennifer] Fraud. [To Alice] Disappointment. [To all of them] I'd say you should burn like the rest of them but that would be a waste of kindling.

Lilia Calderu: Enough

Jennifer Kale: You need to shut up.

Alice Woo: Go to hell!

Agatha Harkness: Make me!

Lilia Calderu: Wait! [Agatha gasps] This is a power grab. She wants us to attack her.

Agatha Harkness: [Sarcastically] What?

Lilia Calderu: You brought us here hoping our proximity, coupled with your cruelty, would get you a spark you could steal. You had no intention of bringing us on The Road.

Agatha Harkness: It's not my fault only a true coven can open the door. [Rumbling] Oh, I don't have time for this! Just blast me, you bitches!

Through Many Miles of Tricks and Trials [1.3]

Jennifer Kale: Agent of Mephisto