Brighton Beach Memoirs

Brighton Beach Memoirs is a semi-autobiographical play written by Neil Simon. It premiered on Broadway in 1983.

Eugene Jerome

• Eugene Morris Jerome...It is the second worst name ever given to a male child. The first worst is Haskell Fleischmann...
• If only I was born Italian...All the best Yankees are Italian...My mother makes spaghetti with ketchup, what chance do I have?
• I felt her chest! When she grabbed me, I felt my first chest!
• Attention, ladies and gentlemen! Today's game will be delayed because of my aunt Blanche's headache...
• I love tense moments! Especially when I'm not the one they're all tense about.
• If I had a choice between a tryout with the Yankees and actually seeing her [Nora's] bare breasts for two and a half seconds, I would have some serious thinking to do...
• (On his father) "He was born at the age of forty-two...
• It started out like a murder mystery in Blenheim castle. No one said a word, but everyone looked suspicious...It was so quiet, you could hear Laurie's soup going down her esophagus.
• The tension in the air was so thick, you could cut it with a knife. Which is more than I could say for the liver."
• It's amazing how quickly you recover from misery when someone offers you ice cream.
• How am I going to become a writer if I don't know how to suffer? Actually, I'd give up writing if I could see a naked girl while I was eating ice cream.
• You don't get too far talking to Laurie. Sometimes I think the flutter in her heart is actually in her brain.
• A momentous moment in the life of I, Eugene Morris Jerome. I have seen the Golden Palace of the Himalayas.... Puberty is over. Onwards and upwards!
• If my mother taught logic in high school, this would be some weird country
• It was (he whispers)- cancer! I think they're afraid if they if they said it out loud, G*d would say,"I HEARD THAT! YOU SAID THE DREAD DISEASE! (he points his finger down) JUST FOR THAT, I SMITE YOU WITH IT!"

Kate Jerome

• Your father will give you plenty of stuff when he gets home!
• Stay on your own side of the street. That's what they have gutters for.
• From your lips to the Irish sweepstakes...
• I never voted before in my life, why should I start with my own family?
• STOP THAT YELLING! I HAVE A CAKE IN THE OVEN!
• This is a family. The world doesn't survive without families...
• You know me. I'm not happy unless I an worry. My family were worriers. Worriers generally marry fainters.
• Pearls are like people. They like to go out and be seen once in a while.
• Do you think you're the only one in this world who has troubles? We all have troubles. We all get our equal share.
• How many beatings from Momma did I get from things that you did? How many dresses did I go without so that you could look like someone when you went out? I was the workhorse and you were the pretty one. You have no right to talk to me like that. No right.
• To me good friends are strangers. But sisters are sisters.

Blanche Morton

• Dancing is just for a few years. A diploma is forever.
• When have the Jews and the Irish ever fought a war?
• But mostly, you live for your children. Your children keep you going.
• Sure, it hurts, but if you love someone, you forgive them.
• You earn your independence. You don't take it at the expense of others.
• Believe me, there is no leg that's twisted or bent that is more crippling than a human being who thrives of his own misfortunes...
• I am tired of apologizing. After a while it becomes your life's work and it doesn't bring any money into the house.
• I've already buried someone I love. Now it's time to bury someone I hate.

Laurie Morton

• I'm staring into space. I can't help it if your body interferes.
• I had to chop the ice. I'm all out of breath.

Stanley Jerome

• How'd you like an official American League Baseball in your mouth?
• Let me give you a piece of advice: When you're going through puberty, don't start with anyone in your own house.
• Her breasts were gorgeous. Like two peaches hanging on the the vine waiting to be plucked...Maybe nectarines. Like two nectarines, all soft and pink and shining in the morning sun...
• Every time I get in trouble, I have to tell you what a naked girl looks like?...Do me a favor, Eugene. Go in the bathroom, whack off, and grow up by yourself.
• If you ever write a story about me, call me Hank. I always liked the name Hank.

Nora Morton

• Sit down, mom, because I don't want you fainting on the floor.
• I'm going to be in a Broadway show!
• Then I found his coat in Mom's closet and I put my hand in the pocket. And everything was gone. It was emptied and dry-cleaned and it felt cold...And that's when I knew he was really dead.

Jack Jerome

• At his funeral i'll put on a pointy hat and blow a horn, the bastard!
• If you're Jewish, you've got a cousin suffering somewhere in the world.
• What God gives us to deal with, we deal with.
• Me? Attractive? You really must think I'm dying, don't you?

Dialogue

Kate: How many times have I told you not to leave your things around the house?

Eugene: A hundred and nine.

Kate: What?

Eugene: You said yesterday, I told you a hundred and nine times not to leave your things around the house.

---

Kate: What would you tell your father if he came home and I was dead on the kitchen floor?

Eugene: I'd say, Don't go in the kitchen, Pa!

---

Laurie: Who were the Cossacks?

Kate: Same filthy bunch as live across the street.

Laurie: You mean the Murphys?

Kate: All of them.

Laurie: The Murphys are Russian?

---

Laurie: How can you be in a Broadway show? Don't you have to sing and act?

Nora: I can sing.

Laurie: No you can't.

Nora: A little.

Laurie: No, you can't.

Nora: I can carry a tune.

Laurie: No, you can't.

---

Nora:...Algebra and English isn't going to help me on the stage.

Laurie: Arent?

---

Kate: And get a quarter pound of butter.

Eugene: I bought a quarter pound of butter this morning. Why don't you buy a half pound at a time?

Kate: And suppose the house burned down this afternoon? Why do I need an extra quarter pound of butter?

Eugene: If my mother taught logic in high school, this would be some weird country.

---

Eugene: Fired? You mean for good?

Stan: You don't get fired temporarily. It's a lifetime firing

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Eugene: (choking) Ma, I think I have a bone in my throat.

Kate: There are no bones in liver!

---

Jack: Only a four-year college education is equal to a four-year college education.

Stanley: I don't think Abraham Lincoln went to college.

---

Kate: You sit there and finish your liver.

Eugene: I can't swallow it. It won't go down. Remember the Lima Bean catastrophe last month? Does anyone want to see a repeat of that disgusting episode?

Jack: Why does he always talk like it's a Sherlock Holmes story?

---

Kate: Eat half of it.

Eugene: Which half? They're both terrible.

Kate: A quarter of it. Two bites.

Eugene: One bite.

Kate: Two bites.

Eugene: I know you. If I eat one bite, you'll make me eat another bite...I'll take it to my room. I'll eat it tonight. I need time to chew it.

---

Jack: My father always used to say, "Throw your problems out to sea and the answers will wash back up on shore."

Nora: Did they?

Jack: Not in Brighton Beach. Orange peels and watermelon pits washed up. That's why it's good to take someone who knows how to give advice.

---

Stanley: It's puberty.

Eugene: It's what?

Stanley': Puberty. You never heard that word before? You don't read books?

Eugene: Yeah, The Citadel by A.J. Cronin. He never mentioned puberty.

---

Eugene: What's wrong with being in love with your own cousin?

Stanley: Because it's against the laws of nature. If she was your stepsister, it would be dirty, but it would be okay. But you can't love your own cousin.

---

Stanley: How horny can you get?

Eugene: I don't know. What's the highest score?

Eugene: I'm not playing. I'm writing.

Kate: Well, do it quietly.

---

Blanche: I was never concerned about your leaving me. It was your future I was worried about.

Nora: It was my future. Why couldn't I have something to say about it?