SummerSlam
SummerSlam is a WWE Pay Per View held every August since 1988. It is regarded as the second biggest show of the year behind WrestleMania. The first SummerSlam was held August 29, 1988 at Madison Square Garden.
- Howard Finkel: Ladies and gentlemen...our opening contest is a tag team bout, scheduled for one fall. Currently in the ring to my left, hailing from Montreal, Quebec, Canada, but SOON to relocate in the United States, at a total combined weight of 474 lbs...here are Jacques and Raymond, the Fabulous Rougeau Brothers.
- Honky Tonk Man : Get me somebody out here to wrestle, I don't care who it is.
- Superstar Billy Graham : Ho ho ho. Don't say that, my man. There are some people in that locker room who would take this man apart.
- Gorilla Monsoon: We're all waiting here with anticipation as for who the opponent will be. Well, maybe we haven't got an opponent.
- Billy: Well, maybe we have an opponent, or maybe he's still lacing up his boots. Who knows, man.
- Gorilla: [as familiar theme music plays] Wait a minute, wait a minute. Somebody's music.
- Billy: That's familiar music, brother!
- Gorilla: They've exploded here in the Garden! I don't see anybody yet!
- Howard: [as the Ultimate Warrior runs to the ring and goes right after the Honky Tonk Man] Here is the challenger, weighing...
- [Howard jumps out as the match begins]
- Gorilla: It's the Ultimate Warrior!
- Billy: One man on the attack!
- Gorilla: This place has gone bananas!
- Gorilla: Ultimate Warrior exploding here on the Honky Tonk Man. Beautiful flying tackle. The bell has gone and it's officially underway.
- Billy: Warrior doesn't know what to do, he's so excited!
- [Warrior knocks Honky Tonk Man down]
- Gorilla: The title definitely up for grabs here.
- Billy: Oh, we could get a new champion right now, Gorilla Monsoon! Right now, brother, we could get a new champion!
- Gorilla: [as Warrior hits a splash] Big splash here, hooks the leg... [Dave Hebner counts to three] It's over! History has been made here!
- Billy: I love it! I love it!
- Gorilla: Look at this place gone bananas!
- Billy: Pandemonium is running wild in Madison Square Garden, my man!
- Gorilla: History once again made here in Madison Square Garden!
- Howard: The winner of this contest...and NEW Intercontinental Champion: The Ultimate Warrior!
- Sean Mooney: It is a different story here in the locker room of the Ultimate Warrior, the new Intercontinental Champion, and Warrior, you are now a champion in the World Wrestling Federation.
- Ultimate Warrior: Honky Tonk Man, you thought it was like something out of a comic book, brother, but we're talking about real life! I was sitting in Parts Unknown waiting for the next spaceship to higher planes, and the lightning bolts came down from the sky, and the warriors spoke! They said "make it to the Garden." Well, the Ultimate Warrior showed, and Honky Tonk Man, you gave the challenge, and the Ultimate Warrior and the little Warriors with all the painted faces rose to the challenge, and they conquered! I'm taking all the little Warriors through all the darkness and the pain! And Honky Tonk Man, if you want a piece of me, or anybody thinks they can take on the Warriors, I'm not hard to find. I'll be on the next spaceship to Parts Un...KNOWN!!!
[Mean Gene is set to conduct an interview with Ravishing Rick Rude and Bobby Heenan]
- Mean Gene Okerlund: Gentlemen, as you know the Ultimate Warrior-- (the SummerSlam sign falls off behind them.)
- Vince McMahon: Nice move.
- Gene: Fuck it!
- Ravishing Rick Rude: What I'd like to have right now is for all you fat, out-of-shape SummerSlam sweathogs...
- Jesse "The Body" Ventura: Ha ha ha!
- Tony Schiavone: You like that?
- Jesse: He's talking to you, Schiavone!
- Rick: ...keep the noise down while I take my robe off and show the ladies what a real sexy man looks like.
- [The Ultimate Warrior has press slammed Rick Rude from the ring to the floor]
- Jesse: There was no call for that! The name of this sport is Wrestling. You wrestle inside the ring. This guy is a lunatic, I don't like him, he goes by his own rules, he don't listen to nothing.
- Tony: But Jesse, he's bought all this on himself. With Bobby Heenan pulling the leg, with Andre the Giant trying to choke out the Ultimate Warrior, you gotta expect a guy like the Warrior to take matters into your own hands.
- Jesse: And that means out to the floor. [Ultimate Warrior grabs the IC title and hits Rick Rude in the back with it] Hitting him with the belt?! This should be a disqualfication! That's an disqualfication!! Where is the hell the referee?!
- Tony: That's outside of the ring Jesse.
- Jesse: So what?!
- Tony: As much as it can just be a countout here.
- Jesse: What are you going to tell me Schiavone? You can shoot somebody outside the ring? As long as it's outside the ring? You know, you're even dumber than Monsoon! I thought Monsoon was the stupidest guy alive.
- Howard Finkel: Ladies and gentlemen, at this time, I am pleased to announce that we have a very special guest. A surprise ring announcer, let's welcome Rugged Ronnie Garvin!
- Jesse: What?!
- Tony: Ho ho ho! What about that Jesse?
- Jesse: What is the purpose of this? The guy gets banned from refereeing, he gets banned from wrestling, now he's going to be a ring announcer?
- Tony: Well I think we better hear what he has to say. Why not?
- Rugged Ronnie Garvin: Ladies and gentlemen, the following contest is scheduled for one fall.
- Tony: He does a good job.
- Jesse: He's reading cue cards.
- Tony: Well, there's nothing wrong with that.
- Garvin: Coming down the aisle, weighing 275 pounds, the Mighty Hercules!
- Tony: The fans on their feet. As Rugged Ronnie Garvin makes the announcement, the Mighty Hercules making his way to the ring and quite personally Jesse, I can't wait to hear this introduction from Rugged Ronnie Garvin.
- Jesse: It ought to be interesting.
- Garvin: His so called opponent,
- Jesse: "So called opponent"?
- Tony: Well, that's an opinion.
- Garvin: coming to the ring with that little pip squeak, poor excuse of a manager. The big mouth of the south, Jimmy Hart. Here's a man who says he's from Seattle Washington. He claims to weigh 249 pounds. To me, he looks like he's overweight by 30 pounds!
- Jesse: How dare him do that as an announcer!
- Garvin: This individual who can't think for himself and when he goes to his wimpy manager for advice, little Jimmy can't give him any!
- Jesse: I think Ronnie Garvin's a punk!
- Garvin: He's the only wrestler I've seen with two left feet! Wears a robe with cheap rhinestones! Can't tell whether he's coming or going! Made the biggest mistake of his life when he asked for me to be reinstated, Greg "The Hammer" Valentine!
- The Genius: From the Meadowlands Arena to the multitudes beyond, I, The Genius, full of glory and renown
- Share my wondrous words of wisdom with the SummerSlam spectacular to validate my mortar board and gown.
- Brutus Beefcake and Hulk Hogan shall be running for their lives, the highest card they're holding is a deuce.
- They are totally unqualified to match the royal flush that shall be coming from the Macho Man and Zeus.
- "Scary Sherri" is the term that Brutus Beefcake used in slander, and he had the nerve to call her overdressed.
- That's when the Barber got a trim that wasn't on the schedule, because Sherri is a cut above the rest.
- On the other hand, Elizabeth is absolutely useless, she is less than just another pretty face.
- When you add the unknown factor of the Human Wrecking Machine, tonight the Hulk shall be in second place!
- Tony: And Jesse Ventura, there is a power stronger than Zeus and it's called Hulkamania!
- Jesse: Yeah sure Schiavone. It's called foreign object, that's what it's called. Hogan had to use an illegal foreign object to win this match. And if that's what the Hulkamaniacs advocate, well they can stick it!
- Tony: (to Sensational Sherri) Well it's back to the cauldron for you young lady.
- Jesse: And then, to top it all off, Hogan has to beat up a woman!
- Tony: (to Elizabeth) Well Jesse, there's a real woman for you right there.
- Jesse: There's a gold digger right there.
- Sean Mooney: Now, Mr. Perfect, it was less than ten days ago that you accepted the challenge from the Texas Tornado to defend the Intercontinental Championship. Have you ever prepared for a title defense on such short notice?
- Mr. Perfect: To be perfectly honest with you, I haven't. You see, being absolutely perfect does have its problems, because when you're a perfect Intercontinental Champion, challengers are few and far between. And let's face it, I'm perfect in every way — the perfect body, the perfect mind, and the perfect record.
- Mooney: Mr. Perfect, is it wise to accept a challenge from someone you know so little about?
- Bobby "The Brain" Heenan: Wait a minute, pal, I'll handle this one. You see, I know a lot about this Texas Tornado, because if you've seen one, you've seen 'em all. And you know why they call you the Texas Tornado? Because you've got your head in the clouds, and if you've got your head in the clouds, pal, you don't have your feet on the ground! You see, a Texas tornado never really does any damage, because you can spot one coming a mile away. Sure, they may look ferocious, but all they're really good for is kicking up some dust and (laughing) maybe turning over a few mobile homes in some hick trailer park on the Panhandle.
- Perfect: Remember this! Nobody beats Mr. Perfect!
- Perfect and Bobby: Nobody.
(Mr. Perfect loses the Intercontinental title to the Texas Tornado)
- Roddy Piper: I'm sorry, what was the name of the guy who just lost again?
- Mean Gene Okerlund: With me now, Sensational Queen Sherri.
- Sensational Queen Sherri: You mean victorious Sensational Queen Sherri.
- Gene: Well, yes, but you're not gonna gloat like that.
- Sherri: Listen, Mean Gene. When you are so good that you intimidate your opponent to the point where they don't even show up because they know that they'll take a sensational beating, you can gloat all you want.
- Gene: Well, I suppose, but Queen Sherri, there's something peculiar going on around here as it relates to Sweet Sapphire. It's almost if she vanished into thin air. There were earlier sightings of Sapphire, but I don't know what's happened to her, I really don't.
- Sherri: "Earlier sightings"? What is she, a UFO?! But you're right, a lot of people did see Sapphire earlier this afternoon, and I'm beginning to think that maybe she's not so dumb after all.
- Gene: What do you mean?
- Sherri: First of all, she was smart enough not to show up and take a beating in her match with me; second, I heard a few rumors a minute ago. She may be the smartest person in the WWF.
- Gene: Rumors? What rumors?
- Sherri: [laughing hysterically] Well...this is too good to be true!
- Gene: Sensational Queen Sherri, I fail to see what's so funny about a missing person.
- Sherri: I said she was missing, I didn't say anything about her being a person.
- Mooney: Jake, it's well-founded that Bad News Brown is afraid of snakes. The question remains, are you afraid of sewer rats?
- Jake "The Snake" Roberts: You know, my man, they don't call me the Snake for nothing, because Damian and I, we have a lot in common. But how about you, Bad News? You hang around with sewer rats. What does that say about you? But to answer your question, Sean, I'm not afraid of rats, no, because I don't have to be. You see, Damian here is really hungry. Yeah I know, Bad News says he hasn't fed his rats for weeks, and they must have a voracious appetite. But what I want to know, Bad News, is just how hungry are you? Because that's exactly what it's going to come down to—hunger. And hunger, that, Bad News, is what separates a man like me from a mouse like you.
- Mean Gene: Hulk Hogan, hot on the heels of victory at SummerSlam tonight! What a powerhouse of a match between you and Earthquake, but I don't know, Hulk, if it's been settled.
- Hulk Hogan: You know somethin', Mean Gene? The only thing left to do, brother, is to kickstart my Wide Glide, hang onto the Ape Hangers, and with the largest arms in the world, man, ride right up to Jack Tunney's office, brother! Let him know that the Hulkamaniacs realize they're still the stronger power in the world, brother! And Jack Tunney, I just want you to know, dude. They're building new buildings all around the country. New York City, Los Angeles, Chicago, Africa, Asia, North Pole, South Pole, and all points in between, brother! And the new buildings, Mean Gene, they're Earthquake-proof, brother!
- Mean Gene: Earthquake-proof?
- Hulk: Yes! Earthquake-proof! Because I'm gonna take this big, fat dude, and I'm gonna drag him all the way around the country, brother! I'm gonna beat him in each and every arena until Jack Tunney puts me right back where I belong—in the #1 contender's spot, brother.
- Mean Gene: Well, Hulk Hogan, with all due respect, I think you're there already, I'll tell you what. A strong, strong outing for you against this mammoth, Earthquake.
- Hulk: Well, you know something, Mean Gene? I felt the love of the Hulkamaniacs, brother. The 400,000 cards and letters in just a few short weeks prove, man, that this thing's gonna last forever. And now, Hulkamaniacs, this is the decade of the little Hulksters, brother. And now, there are four Demandments. Four Demandments—train, say your prayers, eat your vitamins, and believe in yourself, brother. If you believe in yourself like you made me believe in myself, you can get anything you want!
- And now, I'm getting a new 9-foot gun made, brother! A brand new surfboard with a 2 1/2 foot skeg, and I'm gonna go out to Venice Beach, and I'm gonna chase each and every shark I can find! And when I find the biggest wave I can find, I'm gonna catch that title wave, brother—I said title wave—and I'm gonna ride it right to the top! Whatcha gonna do, WWF, Earthquake, and Jack Tunney, and anybody else in my way?!
- Ultimate Warrior: Do you know what Ravishing Rick Rude and Bobby Heenan have in common with the Liberty Bell?
- Gene: No, what?
- Warrior: One is cracked, and the other is a ding dong.
- Ravishing Rick Rude: What I'd like to have right now is for all you fat, out-of-shape Pennsylvania piss-ants, keep the noise down while I take my robe off and give you a good look at the next World Wrestling Federation Champion.
- Bobby "The Brain" Heenan: If your parents were here Piper, they wouldn't let you know that you were gone.
- Rowdy Roddy Piper: I'm not going to kill you for that remark, Boobs. I'll let you live with it for the next two and a half hours.
- Bobby: I heard a rumor that your mom and dad ran away from home.
- Gorilla Monsoon: Will you stop?!
- Bobby: You know, Piper used to come home from school and find out that his parents had moved.
- Gorilla: Will you stop?! I'm not going to tell you again or you'll be out of here.
- Gorilla: Concerned look on the face of Stu and Helen Hart.
- Bobby: You know why they're concerned? They snuck in! They scared the usher away.
- Gorilla: Will you be serious?!
- Roddy: Stop it now Bobby!
- Bobby: Don't do it Perfect! Don't touch that ref!
- Gorilla: Why? Disqualifcation will save his title.
- Bobby: All right then nail him!
- Gorilla: [as Bret blocks a legdrop from Mr. Perfect] Nice block there, that move. Oh, he's got that hold half-applied on the canvas! He's turning him over!
- Roddy: Beautiful counter!
- Bobby: The Sharpshooter!
- Gorilla: [as Hebner calls for the bell] He's got it!
- Roddy: HE GOT IT!
- Bobby: NO! NO!
- Gorilla: We've got a new champion!
- Roddy: We've got a new champion!
- Bobby: NO!
- Roddy: ALRIGHT!
- Howard: The winner of this bout and NEW Intercontinental Champion: Bret "Hitman" Hart!
- [Perfect kicks Bret once. Bret tears off Perfect's singlet as Perfect falls out on the ring]
- Gorilla: The new Intercontinental Champion, Bret "The Hitman" Hart!
- Roddy: Tear it off, Bret! Tear it off, man!
- Gorilla: Look at Perfect, he's hurt. He wants out of there!
- Roddy: We've got us a new champeen! [sic]
- Gorilla: And he deserves it! This place is going bananas!
- Bobby: With Butch, Luke and Andre in there...which one is Larry, Darryl, and Darryl?
- [Bobby is going to Hulk Hogan's dressing room with the NWA world title in his hands.]
- Bobby: Come on dummy, I don't have all day, I'm a busy man. Right here is the dressing room. Of the WWF champion Hulk Hogan. And I'm going to embarrass him and see what kind of a man he really is. [knocks on Hogan's door] Come on Hogan, open up! Wait till you see this. [Hogan opens the door.] On behalf of the real world's champion, Ric Flair, I would like to challenge you, Hogan. At any time any place - [Hogan slams the door.] Who do you think you're embarrassing?! You wouldn't do that if Ric Flair was standing here! You hear-- You hear me?! Turn that camera off. Turn that damn thing off!
- Gorilla: Oh I love it!
- Roddy: That's not the first door he's had slammed in his face. That's why he ain't married.
- The Mountie: This is the way it's going to happen Mean Gene Okerlund. After I've done, beat your fat mug Boss Man, these little local hick cops are going to grab you and they're going to handcuff your hands. And they're going to take you and, I don't want you gentlemen to do it the New York style. I want gentlemen toto do it the Mountie kind of justice! If he fights back, I want you to drag him through these halls. And once we get back here, we wanna tan him in this little old paddy wagon. And once he get in here, it'll be your job to shackle his ankles, make sure he doesn't run away, shut the doors and throw the key away and bring him to that local New York caboose house. And we'll see you there Boss Man!
- Bobby: We are about to find out who the real law and order is. And I believe it's the man in the red shirt. [The Mountie]
- Roddy: Well I believe it's the man in the blue shirt. [The Big Boss Man]
- Bobby: I'm going to get the Boss Man a pack of cigarettes.
- Gorilla: Are you leaving again?
- Bobby: Yes, I'm going to take him some cigarettes.
- Gorilla: What do you mean take him some cigarettes? He doesn't even smoke!
- Bobby: No but he's going to need them to bribe the screws.
- Gorilla: Will you stop?!
- Bobby: Come on Boss Man, get up! It's six o clock in the morning. Here's your cup of coffee and your one cigarette.
- Roddy: Oh you know what time they get up in the pokey do you?
- Bobby: I watched Police Story in Colombo.
- Gorilla: I think he's speaking from personal experience.
- [the cops lead the Mountie to take pictures.]
- The Mountie: You guys think you're tough guys? Give me my shock stick! Aaah! No, no! You're not taking my pictures! Nooooo! You're not taking my pictures! (Hides his face with his arms.)
- Photographer: So I heard the Boss Man kicked your butt, huh?
- The Mountie: [looks up] What the?! [Photographer snaps the picture] No!! You're not taking my pictures!
- [the cops lead the Mountie to the fingerprinting area.]
- The Mountie: No! You can't do this to me! You can't-- Aaaah! No! You're not taking my fingerprints! I'm not giving it to you!
- Cop: Come on, give me your finger!
- The Mountie: You want the finger?! [flips off the cop] Here's the finger! [They start fingerprinting the Mountie.] Yeow! Ouch! Yeow! Don't do that! I'm the Mountie! You can't fingerprint me!
- Sean Mooney: It looks as though the Mountie is a bit outnumbered and Sgt. Slaughter, I'm sure you can attest to that going 3 against 2 into the Match Made in Hell.
- Sgt. Slaughter: What do you mean outnumbered, pukeface? You piece of human scum! Outnumbered?! We're not the ones that are going to be outnumbered. It's the Ultimare Warrior and Hulk Hogan that are going to be outnumbered. Why they're going to be outnumbered before the match even starts. Take a look at the Ultimate Puke. He still looks a little snakebit to me. Ha ha ha ha. And the Immortal Slime Hulk Hogan got a gash in his head. Lost about six gallons of blood. Ha ha ha ha. In fact, it's going to be a lot easier than we thought. In fact, we just may have one more surprise tonight in the match made in hell!
- Roddy: I hope Slaughter keeps getting back up so that Hogan can keep knocking him down.
- Bobby: You must really hate the man.
- Roddy: I do!
- Gorilla: I suppose you like a traitor. Aren't you an American?
- Bobby: Yes.
- Gorilla: Well this guy turned his back on his country! Would you do that? Maybe you would.
- Bobby: My favorite show is The Price Is Right.
- [The Mountie continues to rant inside his cell]
- The Mountie: Let me out, Jimmy Hart, I WANT TO HAVE A PHONE CALL!! [an inmate comes to him]
- Inmate 1: You want to fight me?
- The Mountie: Get out of here!
- Inmate 1: There's your buddy! [points to a mustachioed man in biker outfit approaching The Mountie]
- Inmate 2: Hi.
- The Mountie: [senses that the guy is gay] Oh my God!
- Inmate 2: Don't you just love the way leather feels against your body?
- The Mountie: [retreats to another part of the cell] LET ME OUTTA HERE!! LET ME OUTTA HERE!!
- Vince McMahon: What are you doing with that ridiculous-looking crown on?
- Bobby "The Brain" Heenan: Well, you little stupid peasant, I happen to be Sir Bobby, the King of England.
- Vince: Henry VIII would be rolling over in his grave, Bobby "the Brain" Heenan, if he could see this! Nonetheless, the only thing royal about you is you're a royal pain; and speaking of a pain, in whose corner is Mr. Perfect really going to be in — the Ultimate Warrior's, or is going to be in the corner of the Macho Man?
- Bobby: WOOOOOOOOOO!!!
- Bobby: I hate to say it, but the Bushwhackers are a lot prettier than some of the women I've seen here.
- Vince: Would you please stop that?
- Irwin R. Schyster: It's a well-known fact that if you British tax cheats would pay your fair share, you wouldn't put the burden on the royal family!
- Bobby: I'm not sure Hawk even knows where he's at right now. Whether it be London, England, or Des Moines, Iowa, he hasn't got a clue.
- Mean Gene Okerlund: With me at this is the former World Wrestling Federation Champion, the man who was disgruntled the moment they announced the main event for SummerSlam, for it was he who felt he should be the #1 contender to face the Macho Man Randy Savage. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the "Nature Boy" Ric Flair.
- Ric Flair: Rest assured, little man, it was not I alone disgruntled over the fact that the great Ric Flair was denied his opportunity to regain the World Wrestling Federation Championship right here at SummerSlam. After all, when you're talking about the brights lights and the big cities, you gotta be talking London, England. And when you're talking Summerslam, and when you're talking the World Wrestling Federation, you gotta be talking Ric Flair! Woo!
- Mean Gene: Ric Flair, I couldn't help but notice you're wearing your robe and your wrestling attire. What's going on here?
- Ric: It's because anybody that knows anything about Ric Flair knows that he stays ready for any kind of action.
- Mean Gene: And speaking of action, Ric Flair, one man we know is going to be seeing action tonight is your executive consultant, Mr. Perfect, for it's public knowledge he's gonna be in the corner of either the Macho Man Randy Savage or the Ultimate Warrior. As a matter of fact, I saw you and Mr. Perfect show up outside of Wembley Stadium earlier today in a long limosuine, Ric Flair. You two have been embroiled in this controversy of the main event since the day it was announced. As a matter of fact, this match may end up going down in history as the most controversial match in World Wrestling Federation history.
- Now then, Ric Flair, I'm gonna put you on the spot. In whose corner will Mr. Perfect be tonight? [Ric leans in to answer, but laughs] Oh, come on, is it gonna be the Macho Man? [Another tease] Don't do this to me. Is it gonna be the Ultimate Warrior? [Another tease] Ric Flair, enough is enough. Like the great Winston Churchill once said, "now is the time!" And now is the time we demand to know the whereabouts of Mr. Perfect for SummerSlam!
- Ric: Why, he's in the dressing room.
- Mean Gene: But whose dressing room?!
- Ric: The dressing room of the winner! Who else?! WOO!
- [Shawn Michaels and Rick Martel have attempted a series of rolling cradles all involving pulling the others tights]
- Vince: There are more moons here in London, England, than there are on any other planet!
- Bobby: I've never seen so many smiles in all my life.
- The Genius: From the home of the Olympic Games of 1948
- And the World Cup of 1966. I know the date
- Now at SummerSlam at Wembley, and the Genius holds the key
- Behold the future champions, the Brothers Beverly
- Vince: He's no William Shakespeare, that's for sure.
- Bobby: He's a genius!
- Vince: All Typhoon has to do is sit up and tag his partner.
- Bobby: You're asking a lot for Typhoon to do a situp.
- Bobby: [on the foam fingers in the audience] I remember when I used to walk to the ring, McMahon, and people used to hold up one finger.
- Vince: That was a different kind of salute.
- Mean Gene: Alright, this is the SummerSlam you thought you'd never see. And there was an incident out there tonight that I thought I would n... What the hell were you trying to pull?! There was no deal!
- Mr. Perfect: You just be quiet, little man! There was a deal, all right!
- Mean Gene: There was not a deal!
- Mr. Perfect: It was a done deal between Ric Flair and Mr. Perfect. A lot of people might think that other deal didn't go down. Not a chance. That was Plan A, and now, Plan B, little man divot-head, is in full charge. Plan B, champ, tell him the way it is.
- Mean Gene: Oh, come on, this has got to be...
- Ric: I should've had the shot to begin with! Not the Ultimate Warrior! But now, you ask the Warrior what he wants in life! Well, it's gonna be me, and baby, I'm waiting on you! Plan A, maybe that slipped by. But now, we're looking at Plan B! And baby, the way I see it, the two most perfect men alive today are this gentleman and myself!
- Mean Gene: You two men, this is an absolute sham in the World Wrestling Federation!
- Mr. Perfect: Is my bowtie straight, champ?
- Ric: You are a killer, brother. You are a killer! In closing, let me tell the whole world and especially one man something. Savage, that belt is coming back to me!
- Sean Mooney: Davey Boy Smith, you have got to be feeling enormous pressure going into this contest for the Intercontinental Championship. You’ll be stepping into the ring with your brother-in-law. Obviously, this match has torn both sides of the family apart. First of all, your thoughts on the family pressures you are facing now.
- British Bulldog: Well, I’m facing a lot of pressures in the family, Sean. But I didn’t make this match, Jack Tunney made this match. But the British Bulldog has fought hard for two long years to be the #1 contender for the Intercontinental belt. Yes, Bret, you are the Intercontinental Champion. Yes, Bret, you are my brother-in-law. But when I step in the ring with you, Bret, I never met you. I don’t even know you. But at the end of the match, I just hope the families reunite.
- Sean: British Bulldog, that brings me to my second point, one that may even bring even more pressure on you—the fact that you will be stepping out into that stadium in front of 80,000 of your fellow countrymen.
- Bulldog: Sean, that isn’t a pressure. That’s a dream for the British Bulldog. And my second dream is, at the end of the match, the British Bulldog will be the next World Wrestling Federation Intercontinental Champion.
- Mean Gene: Well, I’ve got to agree with my broadcast colleague, Sean Mooney. Indeed, there is a great deal of pressure for this Intercontinental title bout. However, the pressure for the champion—you, Bret "The Hitman” Hart—much different than the pressure on the challenger, the British Bulldog. For him to win this coveted title, he must either make you submit or get the pinfall 1-2-3 in the center of the ring. And then, of course, there’s the question of the family pressure.
- Bret "Hitman" Hart: Well, let me tell you something, Gene. As far as family pressure goes, I’ve proven that I work real well under pressure. But you know something that really bugs me, that really irks me, is the British Bulldog actually has the gall to come out here and say that when he steps in the ring with me, that he’s never met me, that he doesn’t know me. Well, let me tell you something, British Bulldog. Take a good look at my face and look me in the eye and tell me you don’t know me. Do you remember that far back, British Bulldog, when I was the one that introduced you to my sister Diana in the first place. And as far as your career in the World Wrestling Federation, I’m the one that helped you the most. You wouldn’t be where you are in the World Wrestling Federation if it wasn’t for me. Talk about gratitude.
- You know, the British Bulldog forgets he’s the one that wanted to challenge me, he’s the one responsible for all the family tension, he’s the one that wanted a shot at the gold. Well, you know something, the British Bulldog...he wanted the big fight? He’s got the big fight. And as far as his big dream...you know what I think of his big dream? This big dream of his of winning the World Wrestling Federation Intercontinental Title in front of 80,000 of his compatriots? Well, you know, I think this big dream of his is gonna turn into a nightmare. And then tomorrow morning when he wakes up, he’s gonna think he woke up in the dungeon of Windsor Castle.
- [During the Intercontinental Title match]
- Vince: Unbelievable intestinal fortitude on the part of both participants. [Hart rolls over Bulldog, attempting a...] Sunset flip...[Bulldog kneels over Bret's shoulders, catches both legs, and leans forward as Joey Marella counts] Wait a minute...two...that's it!
- Bobby: He beat him! He beat him! Wembley Arena is going nuts! I mean Wembley Stadium! I don't know where I am!
- Howard Finkel: Ladies and gentlemen, the winner of this bout...and NEW Intercontinental Champion: The British Bulldog!
- Bobby "The Brain" Heenan: Isn't it ironic that the colors of Michigan are yellow?
- Vince McMahon: And blue.
- Bobby: But mostly yellow.
- Vince: They're not yellow, they're gold, Bobby Heenan.
- Joe Fowler: How lucky am I? My very first assignment is SummerSlam. This is bigger than life! Thank you, Vince McMahon, for bringing me on board. We've just seen a title match, we're about to see another one. Shawn Michaels has the Intercontinental belt, he's gonna take on Mr. Perfect. Shawn is here along with his bodyguard Diesel. Shawn, you've won it, you've lost it, you've won it, can you hang onto this thing?
- "The Heartbreak Kid" Shawn Michaels: Now all the questions are gonna be answered—who is the greatest Intercontinental Champion of all time? Is it Mr. Perfect or is it Shawn Michaels? All those answers are gonna come across tonight, and I will prove to everybody—you and all of the world—that Shawn Michaels is the greatest Intercontinental Champ.
- Joe: Now wait a minute, they say that Mr. Perfect caused you to lose it and Diesel won it back for you.
- Shawn: I got news for you. Who's the one that's wearing it? It's Shawn Michaels, so I must've won it. Isn't that right, Diesel?
- Diesel: That's right. The Heartbreak Kid can take care of the work in the ring. Hey, everybody knows the chicks dig this guy—I'm here just to keep 'em off the champ. Let's get outta here, Champ.
- Irwin R. Schyster: Detroit used to be known as the Motor city. Now it's known as the tax cheat city!
- Bobby: (On 1-2-3 Kid's first PPV appearance) This is a first! This is a first! This is the first time that Kid's been out past eight o'clock!
- Bobby: (To Vince McMahon) Wrong, wrong, wrong, tuxedo breath!
(1-2-3 Kid hits a single kick as his first move in the match and goes for the pin)
- Vince: Cover him! It's over! He got him! (IRS kicks out) No he didn't.
- Bobby: Whaddya mean it's over?!? It's not over!
- Vince: Well, call it what you will, call it luck, call it ability, call it the fact that the 1-2-3 Kid will take high-risks like no one else ever in the WWF, whatever it is, you can call him victorious.
- Bobby: You could call him stupid.
- Bobby: Ouch! Hit him right on the bicusbid.
- Vince: The what?
- Bobby: The bicusbid.
- Vince: What do you know about bicusbids?
- Vince: You're asking and answering your own questions, you really are the Brain, aren't you?
- Bobby: Well, I have to, when I'm with...
- Vince: Yeah right, when you're with what?
- Bobby: Uh, nothing.
- Bobby: He hit him so hard he knocked three zits off his cheek!
- Bobby: Cheating is only cheating when you get caught, and bragging isn't bragging when you can do it.
- Bobby: Well, I think he shines more, uh, his ability to think for himself without relying on a partner, could be an advantage of, uh, of Mr. IRS, but I would have to say just by watching him and the way I've been watching him and the way you, in the ring right now, I'd have to say that... yeah, the Kid's in trouble.
- Vince: Could you care to repeat that please?
- Bobby: Well... no.
- Vince: I see.
- Vince: (On Irwin R. Schyster) He doesn't like to be called Irwin, he doesn't like to be called Schyster, what does he like to be called?
- Bobby: R.
- Bobby: That's Bruce Hart right? Did he ever play a banjo in the movie Deliverance?
- Vince: (Jerry Lawler has Bret Hart up against the ringpost) We saw Doink earlier ram Bret's leg into the ringpost, now what's Lawler going to do? (Lawler crotches Bret against the post) Oh no!
- Bobby: (High voice) Oh it's going to happen to Bret "The Hitman" Hart.
- Vince: Stop it Bobby Heenan!
- Ludvig Borga: (giving a video promo after the Bret Hart/Jerry Lawler match): I'm gonna show you all why Lex Lugar is gonna try to win the World Wrestling Federation championship right here in the middle of the American Dream. Well keep on dreaming Lex Lugar, because if this is what you stand up for, if this is what you're proud of, these crumbling buildings, this filth, this pollution, and I bet the Lex Express never stopped here on it's way to SummerSlam. So Lex Lugar, look at this..this building is crumbling like America is crumbling because you American high school dropouts are signing this country away welfare check by welfare check. And you people call this the land of opportunities?! Well, I'm gonna take my opportunity to show all you so-called American wrestlers & Marty Janetty tonight at SummerSlam what Ludvig Borga is all about.
- Vince: Harvey Wippleman was instrumental in stealing that urn from the Undertaker.
- Bobby: No no no, he "urned" it!
- Vince: (Referring to The Undertaker) The man in black!
- Bobby: Yeah, I bet Johnny Cash has a picture of him on his wall.
- Bobby: (On Harvey Wippleman) Tell him, Harvey! You tell him Harvey!
- Vince: Tell him what?
- Bobby: Get on his case! Harvey'll knock you out in a minute, you know.
- Vince: Yeah, sure...
- Bobby: But that urn owned by Harvey Wippleman!
- Vince: It's owned by The Undertaker, it's in the possession of Harvey Wippleman.
- Bobby: Same thing!
- Bobby: (On Undertaker vs. Giant Gonzalez) Take out the silver bullets, the wooden stake, and the garlic! Take him home, Giant!
- Bobby: Harvey'll knock you out in a minute! (Harvey Wippleman charges and is instantly knocked out by Paul Bearer) He slipped, he lost his footing.
- Bobby: (On Undertaker) He's back to the tomb! He's back to the crypt! He's back to his box of dirt! He's looking at the urn! He's got his power back! He's got Paul Bearer back! There's gonna be trouble for everyone in the World Wrestling Federation!
- Bobby: (After Yokozuna is knocked out by Lex Luger's forearm and loses to Luger by countout) I CAN'T BELIEVE IT! HE IS OUT! HE IS STILL OUT! THE CHAMPION IS OUT! WILL SOMEONE PLEASE HELP HIM? PLEASE HELP HIM! HE IS OUT! HE IS STILL OUT! MY GOD!
- Joe: [interviewing Lex Luger in his dressing room where he is joined by Rick and Scott Steiner, Tatanka, and Macho Man Randy Savage after defeating Yokozuna by countout] Lex Lugar, the public loves you and obviously your friends of the WWF love you too.
- Lex Luger: It's a great feeling in the locker room, it's a great feeling out there in the ring, a great victory today. And you know, it's an honor and a privilege to wrestle for the World Wrestling Federation title and an honor and privilege to represent my country out there. The atmosphere was..
(Ludvig Borga who earlier defeated Marty Janetty enters Lex's dressing room)
- Borga: Lex Luger, I'm here in your locker room to tell you that I am NOT impressed with you. And I am not impressed with your friends either and I certainly am not impressed about the country that you stand up for. Now let me tell you something, if you ever step into the ring with Ludvig Borga, I will crush you like America is crumbling piece by piece and I see you as the backbone of America and if you ever step in the ring with me, I will break it.
- Vince McMahon: [on Alundra Blayze] What a competitor. What an athlete.
- Jerry "The King" Lawler: What a face. I've heard of faces that could stop a clock; this face could stop Switzerland.
- Vince: Now wait a minute, if you'll turn this...a battle between a beauty and the beast, considering Bull Nakano's look.
- Jerry: I agree, she's beautiful.
- Jerry: [regarding the Hart family] McMahon, why don't you ask them the hard questions? Why don't you get them to tell the truth? [Pointing to Stu and Helen Hart] You drove them to this, both of you. You know you did. You brought Owen to this. You kept him down his whole life! You, the entire family! You all did it! The only man...
- Vince: The brothers back there, wait a minute...you'd better watch your mouth!
- Jerry: The entire family has drove Owen to this! I wanna say a word to this man over here though. Here's the only man I want to welcome to the United Center because this is the man who, two years ago at SummerSlam, went head-to-head, face-to-face against Bret Hart. Are you having...are you having any flashbacks? Wouldn't you love to be in there against him tonight?
- British Bulldog: Uh, not really because I know what kind of condition Bret's in, and he's in the best condition of his life right now. The family feud started in 1992 at SummerSlam, but in 1994 tonight at the United Center, the family feud is hopefully going to end in this 15-foot-high steel cage.
- Jerry: It's gonna end, all right. And I don't think any of you are gonna like the way it's ending.
- Vince: Why don't you ask some of the brothers back here. Ask Bruce, he's right there behind Davey...[noticing behind Bruce] oh wait a minute. Wait just a minute. Jim "The Anvil" Neidhart. Jim "The Anvil" Neidhart, your thoughts on this steel cage. And you, you sitting here among all the other family members. How do they feel about you sitting here among them?
- Jim "The Anvil" Neidhart: Well, you know...you know, it's all in the family. But I...I think everyone's gonna really see who the really...who the best Hart is of all, who's the best. And everyone's gonna see that Owen Hart is gonna be the next World Heavyweight Champion.
- Jerry: He's the King of Harts already!
- Jim: He's the King of Harts, and he's the best Hart of all! He's the best wrestler! And you know something? I think that Stu Hart did drive Owen to this greatness!
- Bret "Hitman" Hart: I'm going in this match with one thing in mind. First of all, this World Wrestling Federation Championship belt isn't going anywhere. It's going right back over my shoulder back in the dressing room because I'm gonna prove that I am better than Owen, I was always better than Owen. And you know, Owen, I want you to understand something. I don't hate you. I don't hate your guts, I never, ever did. I never got into this thing thinking or believing that I hated your guts, 'cause I don't. The problem with you is you, it's in your head and it's in your heart. Jealousy is a horrible thing, it's a ugly thing [sic] that's a...
- You know, Neidhart, that might be a different story. Maybe I might just go that far and say I hate his guts, 'cause I believe right inside my heart that it was Jim Neidhart, right from the start, that started all this stuff. He's the one that planted the seeds of jealousy in Owen in the first place. Owen, I don't hate you, I just feel kinda sorry for you. And in this match, brother against brother, Cain and Abel, whatever you want to call it, it...it breaks my heart to think that it's come this far, that two brothers are gonna be in the most...this is barbaric. This has nothing to do with what we grew up with, believing in wrestling, exchanging holds and all this. This has gone way beyond that; this is out of the Dungeon now. This is a dogfight, this is something...this is liked caged animals, and it's something I'm not very proud of. But the fact is, it has to stop.
- You know, you people don't understand. I've got my mother coming up to me with tears in her eyes and begging me to see this thing end, my father wants to see it end, everybody wants to see it end. And I've tried to end it, I've tried to find someplace to stop it, and there's no place you can end it. But now, I see this is it, it's gonna be a ugly fight [sic], it's gonna be a dogfight, and there's gonna be one winner and one loser. And I'm not gonna lose this thing, Owen. I'm going in there with every single thing I got, and I'm gonna beat you, brother. And I just hope, after it's all said and done, that you can live with it.
- Vince: Bret Hart trying to finish this thing once and for all with his baby brother Owen.
- Jerry: See, listen to you calling him a baby.
- Vince: Youngest brother, he was the baby of the family.
- ...
- Jerry: Why do you feel like you have to refer to the WWF Champion as a baby?
- Owen Hart: My whole family?! What the hell was all that! They're not my flesh and blood! They turned their backs on me! The only one they ever cared about was Bret! I ought to be the winner! I don't know what the hell the British Bulldog is doing! He's not my brother! He's not my family, jumping in there and interfering! Bulldog, you stay out of it! Bret, I had you beat.
- Dok Hendrix: I'm standing here with what is fixin' to be the future WWF Champion. And now, come on, King Mabel. You gave me the first scoop, you've been involving me plan after plan. Come on, tell me, tell me, what's the final plan? Gotta know, gotta know, come on, come on.
- King Mabel: Dok, you, just like everybody else around the world, are just gonna have to wait until it unfolds. Big Daddy Cool, what's the old saying? Fool me once, shame on me; fool me twice; shame on you; but three times? What's your story, Big Daddy Fool? You think the thing with the British Bulldog was the big one?
- Dok: Yeah!
- Mabel: Uh-uh. It's tonight, and you will see. Long live the king.
- Jerry "The King" Lawler: Can you imagine poor Hunter Hearst-Helmsley is gonna have to be soiled by this grease monkey with those filthy, greasy fingernails of his, Bob "Spark Plug" Holly. Look at the look on Hunter's face. Oh, this has gotta be...oh, I can't even imagine it myself.
- Vince McMahon: This is degrading for Hunter Hearst-Helmsley?
- Jerry: Without a doubt.
- Vince: Please.
- Jerry: I mean, that's just two complete opposite worlds. You're looking at the kind of guy over there, in Bob "Spark Plug" Holly, that would spend his honeymoon at a monster truck rally or something, and then you've got a man over here who...his idea of a fast food restaurant would be someplace that could serve Kentucky-fried quail or pheasant under glass.
- Vince: "Kentucky-fried quail."
- Jerry: Yeah.
- Vince: I see.
- Jerry: Or squab. You ever heard of that?
- Vince: Squab?
- Jerry: Yeah. That's the kind of things Hunter Hearst-Helmsley would eat.
- Vince: Sounds like a detergent. Squab?
- Jerry: You sure you're not from Alabama, like Bob there?
- Sunny: We're back! I'm sure everybody will agree that we were cheated once. And then guess what. We were cheated twice. But tonight, I promise you that third time's the charm for the Body Donnas. And Mr. Barry Horriblewitz will regret ever stepping up to the Body Donnas, and that's a promise. We plan on showing everyone, we plan on teaching Barry Horriblewitz, that good-for-nothing, out-of-shape, natural born loser, a lesson that he and all of you will never soon forget.
- Earl Hebner: [to Sunny after she threw in the towel] Hey, this is not boxing! This is wrestling! YOU GET OUT!!
- Jerry: [on Barry Horowitz] I knew something was up when I looked at his name, and beside his name in the program, it said, "yeah, right."
- Jerry: You've heard of Buns of Steel? I think Bertha Faye's got buns of cinnamon.
- Jerry: [on Isaac Yankem, DDS] This man has been a great wrestler in the past under an assumed name.
- Vince: What was his assumed name?
- Jerry: I'm not gonna tell you that. He doesn't want them to know. He only wants everybody to know him by his name, and it's Yankem, not Yankem.
- Dok: Come on, Shawn.
- Vince: You're rooting for Shawn to win?
- Dok: No, I don't care.
- ...
- Dok: Come on, Razor.
- Vince: You just said, "come on, Shawn," earlier.
- Dok: I know. See? I'm very objective.
- Vince McMahon: Owen Hart, to a certain extent, following in the footsteps of his older brother, Bret "The Hitman" Hart.
- Mr. Perfect: Do you have to mention his name at SummerSlam around me, McMahon?
- Mankind: There's no place like home, Todd, there's no place like home. For knowledge and discipline, there is no place like home. But as much as I love... [licks the side of a boiler] ...every square inch within these hallowed halls, it's time to leave, because destiny awaits on the other side.
- Jim Ross: Was he licking that thing?
- Mankind: But as for you, Dead Man, take this simple warning: do not come in here, because outside the walls awaits you a fate worse than death, and a possible course of events that could alter the future of all mankind! Have a nice day!
- Mr. Perfect: Look at Sunny. She looks great, doesn't she?
- Jim: Oh, yeah, just ask her how good she looks, she'll tell ya.
- Vince: [on Phineas Godwinn and Zip] Here we go, criss-cross action. Where's she gonna stop? [Zip stops...] Right about there, maybe...[Phineas and Zip rush to the Smoking Gunns' corner and tag both of them] Well, how about that?!
- Jim: There you go!
- [They strut back, hug briefly, and go to their respective corners]
- Vince: Tagged both Gunns in! Look at that!
- Mr. Perfect: Now wait a minute, they're not gonna wrestle each other.
- Jim: They have to, they have no choice.
- Mr. Perfect: No, they got...they gotta have something.
- Jim: They gotta make contact, that's the rules, Perfect.
- Vince: That's right, Billy now must wrestle Bart.
- Sunny: I want everybody to take a real good look right now at the winners and still World Wrestling Federation Tag Team Champions, and that's the way they're gonna stay! Now before we go and have our victory party, I want all you women to look at the Smoking Gunns, at what real men are supposed to look like. And boys, take a good look at the woman next to you—the fat, the cellulite, how out of shape they are right now. And as I look around here, this place is looking really sorry, so my generous gift to you—to make this building look a whole lot better. Hit it, boys!
- [A giant pinup of Sunny unravels above the ring]
- Vince: Unbelievable!
- Sunny: Don't I look incredible?! Mwah!
- Jim: I don't think the fans here miss Cornette. He's about as popular here as Art Modell.
- Jim Cornette: I don't care if there's 50,000 stinking people out there, it's gonna make no difference! Shawn Michaels, we've proved a lot of things. We proved that Vader can pin you for a three-count, 'cause he did it last month. We proved that he can beat you up, 'cause he did it on Raw. And now tonight at SummerSlam, we're gonna prove that Vader's gonna beat you when it counts, and that's for the World Wrestling Federation Title. I promised last month that Camp Cornette would win, I promise it tonight that Vader is gonna beat Shawn Michaels. Shawn, when he grabs you around the neck and you try to talk, dude, your voice is gonna sound like Peter Frampton's electronic kazoo in the instrumental break of "Do You Feel Like We Do", and it's gonna be a bad ride from there! Because one way or another, we're gonna come out on top tonight. Vader's beaten Shawn Michaels once and for all!
- [official promo, with the narrator referring to specific people as they appear]
- Voiceover: In a perfect world, there would be no villains, no conspicuous manifestations of hate. Athletic excellence would be applauded, sportsmanship would be the rule, our heroes would remain heroes forever.
If life were fair, then this legend [Bret Hart] would be lauded in his pursuit of a historic fifth World Wrestling Federation championship - instead, he's a fallen idol, America's Public Enemy No 1. The respect abandoned, bludgeoned, and spat upon by a society he feels condones defiance, and perpetuates hate. If life were fair, then this mighty champion [Undertaker], this survivor of deception and conqueror of earthly hells would surely revel in the championship spotlight. The bright lights wouldn't singe his aura, illuminating a dark, horrifying secret from his distant past. And if life were fair, then this man [Shawn Michaels] might still be champion. Dancing, flying, showcasing his extraordinary talents to legions of fans. He wouldn't be an athlete betrayed by an unwilling knee, a man surrendering a boyhood dream for a lost smile of youth.
Is it fair that tonight, even in victory, this champion [Undertaker] would be haunted by personal demons whose voices cry out from the dark? Is it fair that tonight, this man [Bret] may rewrite history yet still incur the wrath of a hostile and unappreciative nation? And is it fair that tonight's special referee [Shawn] is a despised enemy of the challenger? Will vengeance flow ruinous from his biased heart, ensuring that tonight will be the last night Bret Hart ever wrestles in this country again?
Life isn't fair... but who ever said it would be?
- Vince McMahon: Mankind, better known...well, not better known as, but certainly known as Mick Foley, grew up not all that far, grew up here in the tri-state area out on Long Island.
- Jerry "The King" Lawler: Well, that explains what's wrong with him.
- Ken Shamrock: GET OUTTA MY WAY!!!
- ...
- Vince: Ken Shamrock. Although one cannot applaud the actions of Ken Shamrock, you certainly can't applaud what set this volcano off.
- Jim Ross: Miguel Perez, whose father wrestled in the '50s and '60s, a great tag team competitor in the WWF. Partners with the late Antonino Rocca.
- Vince: And following in his dad's footsteps, a tremendous competitor.
- Jim: King, did you ever wrestle Antonino Rocca in the early '60s?
- Vince: Stop this.
- Jerry: Who?
- Jerry: Four guys with bad attitudes. You know, the show America's Most Wanted was based on DOA.
- Jim: I don't think John Walsh has ever spoke with the DOA, at least on a first-person basis.
- ...
- Jerry: You trying to tell me Crush has never been in trouble with the law? Huh? Shoot, his family portrait is a courtroom sketch.
- Michael Cole: Mr. Austin. Mr. Austin. Stone Cold. I need a quick word with you before the match.
- Stone Cold Steve Austin: Yeah I got a quick word for you. Get out of here!
- Michael: Mr. Austin, are you prepared? Are you prepared to put your reputation on the line tonight? You would have to kiss Owen's backside if you lose in front of all these people 20,000 people. A million people out there on pay per view. Mr. Austin, are you ready?
- Austin: You're fixing to kiss my ass if you don't get your little ass out of my face. You got that? You and your stupid little bow tie. You don't impress me none, you little piece of trash!
- Vince: Uh, Michael perhaps a little overzealous there. He doesn't know Stone Cold all that well.
- Jerry: A man of few words, but one of them is a-double-s.
- Vince: What's gonna happen in the next match-up? Shawn Michaels cares about his own career, and obviously also cares, in a negative way, as it relates to the Hitman, Bret Hart. What sort of emotion is Shawn Michaels feeling as the guest referee?
- Jerry: Are you kidding me? Shawn Michaels's ego is so big that it's got its own ZIP code, McMahon. All he cares about is what his hair looks like out here tonight. And you know what? Speaking of the Undertaker, Shawn Michaels...I mean, he's so full of himself, when he goes to a funeral, he's upset because he's not the corpse. He wants to be the center of attention, and tonight, some kind of way, he will manage to be the center of attention in this match.
- Vince: And the Hitman Bret Hart said he didn't mean it literally, he meant it figuratively when he stated he would never wrestle again in the United States if he didn't win the WWF Championship. I'm sure he is regretting that comment.
- Jim: Well, it's officially in the contract, so it is a done deal. If Bret Hart doesn't leave this arena, ladies and gentlemen, tonight here at SummerSlam with the WWF Championship, Bret...this will be Bret Hart's last match ever in the United States.
- Bret "Hitman" Hart: I'd like everybody to stand back and listen to the Canadian national anthem, and I just want to dedicate this match to all my fellow Canadians, to all my fans all over the world that feel the same way as I do about America and Americans. This is for you.
- Jim: Now all the other WWF referees are gonna want pyro.
- Vince: Music, pyro, yeah.
- Jerry: Earl Hebner would look good in front of a Roman candle.
- [Shawn confronts Bret with the chair]
- Vince: Shawn Michaels with that chair that Bret tried to throw out of the ring. [Shawn pulls him off of the Undertaker] Maybe Michaels has had enough. Michaels was on the outside and did not see...
- [Bret spits in Shawn's face]
- Jerry: Uh-oh!
- [Shawn tries to hit Bret with the chair, but Bret ducks and Shawn hits the Undertaker instead]
- Jim: Good God! Good God!
- [Bret covers Undertaker and waves Shawn over to count. Shawn counts to three and leaves.]
- Vince: I can't believe this.
- [Undertaker leaves the ring]
- Jim: This is horrible.
- Vince: And the Undertaker is going after Shawn Michaels.
- Howard Finkel: The winner of this bout and NEW World Wrestling Federation Champion: Bret "Hitman" Hart!
- Vince: The impossible has happened at this year's SummerSlam; and the Undertaker, with one last glance back at Bret Hart, as Bret Hart kisses the gold. And Bret Hart, somehow, is once again WWF Champion.
- Jim: Bret Hart now immersing himself in the Maple Leaf. There's gotta be jubilation in Canada, perhaps jubilation in the United Kingdom and Germany, but there is no joy in East Rutherford, New Jersey, tonight.
- Vince: We would like to take you back and show you how this happened.
- Jim: This is shocking.
- Vince: [off replay] Alright, here Shawn picked up the chair.
- Jerry: He busted the Undertaker's brains out, but right now he's realizing if he don't count, he's gone too.
- Jim: I don't understand that.
- Jerry: What's not to understand?
- Vince: And now Bret Hart being joined by all the other Hart Foundation members. Bret Hart, with the Maple Leaf draped around his neck, the flag of Canada, and the WWF Championship back around his waist for the fifth time, and it happened here in America.
- Val Venis: Hello ladies!
- Jerry "The King" Lawler: Are there any ladies in New York City?
- Jim Ross: Of course there are.
- Jerry: Of the night.
- Venis: So the Big Valbowski has arrived to the Big Apple. Well, you know something? I came, I saw...and I came again.
- Jerry: Is D'Lo from Europe?
- Jim: No, he's not, he's from Jersey.
- Jerry: Jersey?
- Jim: Right hand by D'Lo Brown.
- Jerry: I think it's Lisbon or Munich.
- Jim: Or Hoboken.
- Jerry: The Rock's swinging that ladder just like Mark McGwire's swinging a baseball bat.
- Jim: Why don't we ever talk about Sammy Sosa? Never mind.
- Jim: No WWF Champion has ever entered Madison Square Garden with that kind of ovation! I challenge you, I challenge you to research that, King! I literally felt this building shake!
- Jerry: Okay, I'll give you that. Every single soul is on their feet with anticipation! They love Stone Cold Steve Austin. But a lot of them love the Undertaker too. This is truly gonna be the collision on the highway to Hell.
- Jim Ross: The Rock just put Billy Gunn's face in that large woman's ass!
- Jim Ross: (After Triple H strikes Shawn Michaels twice with his sledgehammer after their match) I refuse to believe what I see, I refuse to believe that after the most courageous victory that many of us had ever seen, that son of a bitch used that hammer on Shawn, he's hit him twice with that sledgehammer! (Triple H performs a crotch chop to the incapacitated Michaels before leaving) My god almighty, Triple H is gonna rot.
- Jerry "The King" Lawler: Hurry, hurry, get the....
- Jim: He's gonna rot in hell for what he did here tonight. (EMT's attend to Michaels as Triple H smirks) This just makes me sick.
- Jerry: Are you proud of yourself now?! Look at him! Look at that stinkin' smile on his face!
- Jim: How in god's name can that human being be from this planet? How can he, does he have no conscience? Does he have no heart?! Do you have no soul?! You son of a bitch! Do you realize what you've just done?!
- Michael Cole: (after Brock Lesnar wins the WWE Undisputed Championship) "The Next Big Thing" has arrived!
- Nature Boy Ric Flair: (when the referee declares Mick Foley unable to continue in their I Quit match) This isn't a "lay down on your ass" match, it's an I Quit match!
- Flair: (shouting at Melina while grinding a barbed wired baseball bat into Mick Foley's eye) I'll kill you too, you stupid bitch!
- Flair: (after Melina throws in the towel to save Mick Foley from any more punishment from Flair) She... She does not quit for him. He quits!
- Josh Mathews: Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome my guest at this time, CM Punk. Punk, tonight, you have an opportunity to become the World Heavyweight Champion once again. What are your thoughts going into this Tables, Ladders & Chairs match with Jeff Hardy?
- CM Punk: I would love to talk to you about that right now, Josh, but there's something else I want to bring up, and that's this. (Holds up a screenplay entitled "Live For The Moment: The Jeff Hardy Story") I had a friend at a fancy Hollywood agency the other day, and he ran across this little gem. Somebody actually took the time to write a screenplay about the Jeff Hardy story. So I was paging through it, and lo and behold, it culminates, of course, with Jeff conquering his demons and beating me here tonight in a TLC match at SummerSlam. What a great feelgood story, Josh, all except, of course, for the ending, which is not reality-based. It's fake, it's phony, just like everybody who lives in this town. I'd go as far as to say that I'm the only real person in this building right now. I wish I could say it's a Los Angeles epidemic, but the fact is it's worldwide. You have people that falsely idolize what they see in movies and on television; you have housewives in Iowa that subscribe to U.S. Weekly, US Weekly, or whatever it's called, so they can model their hair after Kate Gosselin, instead of helping their own children with their homework; you have little kids all over the world, millions of them, who idolize the "hip, cool star", and it doesn't matter if that hip cool star is some dork vampire in Twilight, or if it's Jeff Hardy. It doesn't matter if that hip cool star has a reprehensible, reckless lifestyle. You know, it doesn't matter if the collective intelligence of this entire country continues to spiral downward, day in and day out. It doesn't matter as long as it's cool, right? You know why they don't make movies about a guy like me? It's cause I don't support your poisoned society. I don't support this...this den of iniquity known as Hollywood. No, instead, I'm dismissed as being preachy, except I'm not preachy—I never have been. I just tell the truth. You know, I'm not a screenwriter either, but tonight I think I'll take a stab at it. Tonight I'm gonna rewrite the ending of "The Jeff Hardy Story". It's gonna be horrifying. It's gonna be very, very graphic. It might be hard to watch for a lot of people, but it will have a happy ending: new World Heavyweight Champion—CM Punk. [He drops the screenplay and walks away]
- Todd Grisham: NO! [After Jeff Hardy delivers a Swanton Bomb to CM Punk off a ladder] OH MY GOD I DON'T BELIEVE WHAT I JUST SAW!
- The Miz: So I guess the question is: should I join team WWE or not? Hm… it’s a good question. What do you think? Do you all think that I should join team WWE? (crowd cheers) Well it’s a good thing I could care less about what you people think. Because the opinion in the locker room is that I am the missing link. I’m the missing puzzle piece, I’m the missing link in the chain that will lead team WWE to victory. You all saw it. Last Monday night on Raw Bret Hart and John Cena both asked me to be on team WWE. But what you didn’t see is what happened earlier today when I arrived at Staples Center. John Cena came up to me and he admitted that he’s been wrong about what he has been saying about the Miz. John Cena got down on his knees and begged me to be a part of team WWE, saying without me they can’t do it. John Cena literally said I’m the only superstar that can see him. Bret “The Hitman” Hart, a Hall of Famer, said I was the real Excellence of Execution, that I am the best there is, was and ever will be. Chris Jericho gave me his band CD Fozzy and I graciously accepted it but then threw it in the trash… My former Tag Team partner John Morrison finally said he is the Marty Jannetty of our former tag team and I am the Shawn Michaels, only better. Edge gave me a year’s supply of Slim Jims, R-Truth wrote me a crappy rap… As you can see everyone has admitted that they needed me on team WWE, except ALL OF YOU. (crowd boos) The WWE Universe needs to realize I am the fastest rising star, that I am WWE's new hope -no I am WWE's only hope. (crowd boos) I am the future. You get me people? I AM THE FUTURE, this face, I am the United States Champion, I’m a future WWE Champion. You people need to realize that. But I guess we need to get to the big decision. What’s it gonna be Miz? This decision is bigger than the Pepsi Challenge, it’s bigger than Arnold Schwarzenegger starring in Terminator 5, it is bigger (laughs) than the LeBron James spectacle on ESPN – which will ultimately lead to the Lakers losing the NBA Championship. (crowd boos) The question is: am I going to join team WWE? The answer is … yes. I will join team WWE and I will lead them to victory. The WWE Universe will not be talking they will not be buzzing about the Nexus… no, they won’t be looking up to their hero John Cena, no, you will be saying, you will be admitting to what I’ve been saying all along: that I am the Miz, and I’m… -no, no, no, no, no. You don’t get to do my catchphrase. If any of you have anything to say to me, you raise your hand and you wait, you wait to be called upon. Until then I want absolute silence. (crowd boos) … Because I’m the Miz and I’M AWESOME!
- Michael Cole: [as the Miz enters] Yes, the man I believe is going to be the key to Team WWE.
- John Cena: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, hold it, hold up. Wait a second. Miz, I got news for you: you're way, way, way too late. We realize how important this match is to WWE and we couldn't rely on somebody who was gonna make their decision the day of SummerSlam. So we all have gone out and found a seventh member of Team WWE. It's not you. As a matter of fact, it's somebody that hates the Nexus just as much as all of us. The seventh member of Team WWE is Daniel Bryan.
- Michael: What?
- Jerry: Daniel Bryan?
- Michael: [as Bryan walks down the aisle] You've gotta be kidding me!
- Jerry: Look at this, it's Daniel Bryan!
- Michael: This is ridiculous! This is a huge mistake! Daniel Bryan was the Miz's rookie on NXT, and now he's part of Team WWE! And here we go!
- [Team WWE charges into the ring]
- Matt Striker: Here we go! The American Dragon has arrived at SummerSlam!
- The Miz: Ladies and gentlemen, back by popular demand, the most must-see WWE Champion of ALL TIME, the Miz has returned to SummerSlam! I just wanna take this time to thank each and every one of you for your insistence that I compete tonight and for your unwavering support. So now I want you to sit back and relax and watch as I steal the show like only I can because...
- [Interrupted by R-Truth's single entry quote as he comes down the aisle]
- Michael Cole: Now that was pretty rude.
- R-Truth: Yo, Miz! I don't know why you wanna thank these people here in Los Angeles. You know how I hate spiders, Miz? You see, spiders start with the letter S... [Audience yells "WHAT?!"]...just like SummerSlam starts with the letter S. [WHAT?!] Don't "what" me! [What?!] And singing at SummerSlam is Cee-Lo Green. [WHAT?!] You know what else starts with the letter C? [WHAT?!] Conspiracy. You see what I mean?! [WHAT?!] Next time y'all "what" me...
- [Interrupted by Alberto Del Rio's music, who drives in in a Ferrari California]
- Jerry "The King" Lawler: This is SummerSlam, I thought we were on Sesame Street there for a minute.
- Booker T: Wow, just in time.
- Michael: You're on a street paved with gold now.
- John Laurinaitis: I want you to tell me directly that that kick was accidental, 'cause I will not allow you to impugn my integrity or challenge my authority as Executive Vice President of Talent Relations. So I want a public apology for what happened last Monday night right now.
- CM Punk: [mockingly] I'm sorry. Please forgive me and humbly accept my apology, Mr. John Laurinaitis, Senior Executive of Talent Relations...
- Laurinaitis: Executive Vice President.
- CM Punk: Executive Vice President of Talent Relations. I'm sorry.
- [He makes a few faces and Laurinaitis walks away. He turns around to find Stephanie McMahon]
- Stephanie McMahon: I just came to wish you luck tonight.
- CM Punk: [looking over his shoulders] You came here to wish me luck?
- Stephanie: I did.
- CM Punk: I find that hard to believe. Why don't you go run along and talk to your husband, the new COO of WWE; or you know, better yet, why don't you go wish your daddy luck? I mean, I know he doesn't run day-to-day operations around here anymore—thank God!—but I know he's still chairman of the board.
- Stephanie: Well, I actually did speak to both my husband and my father and, believe it or not, they both wish you luck too, as well as John Cena. But what would I know? I'm just Vince McMahon's clueless daughter, right?
- CM Punk: Yeah, more or less, you're pretty clueless, but I didn't say it, you did. I called you idiotic.
- Stephanie: [shrugging and extending her hand] Good luck.
- CM Punk: I would, but I know where that hand's been.
- R-Truth: There's no way we shoulda lost that. It's a C-O-N...what do you think about this, Jimmy Hart? What do you think?
- Jimmy Hart: You know, Truth, I've been watching you. You know, you need somebody to take you to the top because...you're good, but you need somebody to take you to the top. Look what I've done—I've managed the Honky Tonk Man, I've had Money Inc., I've had the Hart Foundation. You need somebody to watch your back and, like I said again, take you to the top. You need somebody to watch over you to make sure you don't get got by the conspiracy. You need someone like me. You need me because you got think big. You gotta think big in this business.
- R-Truth: You make a lot of sense, Jimmy. A lot of sense. It's a big world, it's a big business. You gotta think big. Everything's big. I had it wrong all along. Think big and not little, Jimmy.
- Jimmy: Not little.
- R-Truth: Little Jimmy? You Little Jimmy?
- Jimmy: [scared] I'm not Little Jimmy.
- R-Truth: You smell like Little Jimmy!
- Jimmy: I don't smell...I'm not Little Jimmy!
- R-Truth: You talkin' 'bout Little Jimmy?!
- Jimmy: No, no, I wasn't. I wasn't.
- R-Truth: Where's Little Jimmy at?!
- Jimmy: [running away] I don't know where Little Jimmy is!
- R-Truth: Every time I turn around, Little Jimmy! Little Jimmy's conspiracies everywhere! Getting tired of this. [Turns to his right] What y'all lookin' at?!
- [He walks away as the camera turns to show Ron Artest and his daughter Diamond]
- Diamond Artest: [to Ron] And they say you need counseling?
- Ron Artest: It's okay.
- Jerry: [on Daniel Bryan] I like the beard on him, I like the new look on Daniel Bryan...
- Michael: You know how long it took him to grow that beard? About two months! Actually, I believe he hasn't even shaved yet. Like, forever.
- Jerry: What is Daniel Bryan gonna have to do to make a believer out of you? Is there anything possible he can do to make you a Daniel Bryan fan? What?
- Michael: Yeah, quit.
- Edge: As most of you probably know, [to Christian] as you know, [to random fans] as you know, as you know, heck, as you know, the WWE doctors...the WWE have told me that I'll never physically be cleared to compete here ever again. [Audience boos] Trust me, I booed too, okay? It was a bitter pill to swallow. But you know what? When I left, I was actually happy. I was happy. Here's the thing. Because I felt that I was part of passing the torch to Christian. I felt like...like maybe I opened the door a crack for you and you kicked it wide open and I was so proud of you. You finally became the World Heavyweight Champion and no one deserved it more than you. Hey, hear me out. Here's the thing. I thought it was unfair that Teddy Long made you defend the Championship five days after a ladder match. We both agreed on that. You didn't think it was fair, I didn't think it was fair. And then you came and you complained about it the next week, and the week after that, and the week after that, and the week after that, the week after that, the week after that, the week after that, so on, and so on, and so on, and so on, and so on. You whined, you moaned, you asked for opportunity after opportunity, rematch after rematch, and you got it. You won back the World Heavyweight Championship—two-time World Heavyweight Champion. But you did it by disqualification? I mean, trust me, I did some horrible things in here, some really heinous things, but I always did it with style. I always did it with some panache. I wasn't boring. I didn't hide behind lawyers, I didn't hide behind suits and clipboards. Somewhere along the line, Christian, you became a disgrace to yourself. You're better than that, you know it. And I love ya. 'Til the day I die, you will be my best friend, that's never gonna change, but you need to hear this from me 'cause you're not gonna listen to it from anybody else—I didn't know my best friend would become a whining, crying, moaning little bitch.
- Michael: Talking to one vet earlier on today when he...well, he compared Triple H as the COO and as the referee of this match-up akin to a police officer making an arrest, and then that same police officer also being the judge in the same case. A little conflict of interest perhaps, that's how many people view this.
- Michael: [as CM Punk celebrates his win, becoming undisputed WWE Champion] What a SummerSlam, ladies and gentlemen, here tonight in Los Angeles. What a SummerSlam. [Punk turns around to find Kevin Nash, who clotheslines him] Wait a minute, oh my God! Who the hell?! Who the hell is that?!
- Booker T: What the hell?
- Michael: Kevin Nash! That's Kevin Nash!
- [Triple H walks back to the ring shocked]
- Booker T: You got to be kidding! That's my big homey!
- Michael: What is he doing here?! [Nash powerbombs Punk] Oh my God, the Jackknife Powerbomb! [Nash leaves through the audience as Triple H looks on in bewilderment. Meanwhile, Del Rio walks down with a referee and the briefcase] Oh my lo...OH MY GOD, Alberto Del Rio, Mr. Money in the Bank...
- Booker T: Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh, my goodness.
- Michael: ...with a referee in tow!
- Booker T: Timing is everything!
- [Del Rio hands the briefcase to the referee, who orders the impromptu match to begin]
- Michael: Del Rio! Del Rio with the Money in the Bank contract! He's cashing it in!
- Jerry: [the bell rings] Alberto Del Rio cashing in his Money in the Bank contract!
- Michael: CM Punk...
- Booker T: I don't believe this.
- Michael: ...taken out by Nash! [Del Rio kicks Punk in the head] Del Rio, kick to the back of the head! The cover! [The ref counts to three] Oh, my lord! Del Rio's Champion! Del Rio's Champion!
- Justin Roberts: The winner of this match and NEW WWE Champion: Alberto Del Rio!
- Jerry: [as Del Rio celebrates, being handed the title] This is absolutely unbelievable! What a turn of events!
- Michael: Pandemomium at SummerSlam!
- Booker T: What this is, guys, this is destiny tonight for Alberto Del Rio!
- Jerry: But what was Kevin Nash doing here?!
- Michael: Triple H trying to figure out...trying to make sense of everything that has happened here.
- Jerry: As we are. This is total chaos. I think that Alberto Del Rio is now the undisputed WWE Champion.
- Michael: He is! He is!
- Booker T: Did you say "think"? Alberto Del Rio is the new WWE Champion here tonight at SummerSlam! He cashed it in!
- Michael: Triple H has no idea what's happened. Del Rio cashed in his Money in the Bank contract...
- Jerry: But he did it after CM Punk was laid out by Kevin Nash, who had...what the hell was he doing here?! Well, there's our undisputed Champion, Alberto Del Rio! What just happened?!
- Jerry "The King" Lawler: [on the "YES!" chants] The chants are really getting to Daniel Bryan.
- Michael Cole: I'm gonna point out what I've been saying all along. This is extremely unfair for Daniel Bryan. The crowd's distracting him.
- Jerry: You just really can't make up your mind, can you? You're indecisive. I remember when you couldn't stand Daniel Bryan; now you're at the top of his fan club.
- Michael: Well, he's won me over.
- Jerry: I heard you've got a seven-year-old son you haven't named yet. Come on, make up your mind about things, Cole.
- Michael: [after Triple H had tapped out to Brock Lesnar] You have to wonder if this is the end for Triple H.
- [Triple H can't find the words and walks back]
- Jerry: Wow, I think he just said goodbye.
- Damien Sandow: Throughout literary history, there have been several prolific pairings. Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson; to dumb it down for all of you halfwits, Batman and Robin. Each duo had something in common—there was a leader and an inferior sidekick or lackey. Cody Rhodes was my sidekick, and tonight I send him back from whence he came, from his family of carnival clowns. SILENCE! Team Rhodes Scholars could have been the ultimate prolific pairing. But tonight, I send Cody back to the pairing he was destined for,with his father—Dumb and Dumber. You're welcome.
- Lilian Garcia: And his opponent, from San...[Alberto stops her and whispers into her ear] Ladies and gentlemen, Alberto Del Rio is insisting that I introduce him in Spanish. Desde San Luis Potosí, Mexico, pesando doscientos treinta y nueve libras. Él es el campeón de peso completo, Alberto Del Rio!
- Jerry "The King" Lawler: Lilian had better be careful. We know what happened to the last ring announcer for Alberto Del Rio.
- [Daniel Bryan hits a running knee on Cena]
- Michael Cole: Bryan for a cover, hook of the leg...[Triple H counts to three] HE DID IT! DANIEL BRYAN DID IT! DANIEL BRYAN IS WWE CHAMPION!
- Jerry: Oh man!
- Justin Roberts: The winner of this match and NEW WWE Champion: Daniel Bryan!
- Michael: The fairytale has come true! The dream of a lifetime! The decade of perseverance and hard work has paid off! Daniel Bryan is on top of the world!
- John "Bradshaw" Layfield: It's said before, but they're right—miracles can happen!
- Michael: Daniel Bryan is WWE Champion!
- Jerry: The beard is here, and the Champ is here!
- Jerry: This could be the year of the beard.
- Loudspeaker: I hear voices in my head...
- Michael: Oh my God. Oh my God!
- JBL: You've gotta be kidding me.
- Michael: Mr. Money in the Bank, Randy Orton, briefcase and contract in tow.
- JBL: Randy Orton's gonna cash in.
- [Randy stops before ringside]
- Michael: Is Randy Orton gonna ruin Bryan's moment? [Randy holds the briefcase up, takes a few steps toward the ring...] The Champ not backing down. [...then turns around and walks back] And Randy Orton with a little message, just a little reminder to the WWE Champion.
- Jerry: Yeah. "I'm still here."
- Daniel Bryan: [as Randy stops halfway up and turns around] YES!
- Crowd: [chanting] YES!
- Jerry: Wait a minute.
- [Triple H turns Daniel around, kicks him in the gut...]
- Michael: Oh my God! OH MY GOD!
- JBL: What are you doing?!
- Michael: What the hell?! [...and Pedigrees him. Randy enters the ring and hands the briefcase to Triple H.] Oh my God, no. Oh my God, no! Hunter, what are you doing?!
- Triple H: [handing the briefcase to the announcer] Ring the bell now. Ring it.
- Michael: Hunter, what are you doing? This match is underway. Bryan's out cold. [Randy turns Daniel onto his back and covers him.] Randy Orton...[Triple H counts to three, with the crowd counting alongside him] Randy Orton has cashed in Money in the Bank. Randy Orton is a seven-time WWE Champion.
- Justin: The winner of this match and NEW WWE Champion: Randy Orton!
- Jerry: Oh my God! Triple H, wha...?
- JBL: What the hell just happened?
- Michael: [struggling to say it] It just isn't real.
- JBL: Talk about a damper on the party. This is the damnedest SummerSlam I've ever seen.
- Michael: You've gotta be kidding me.
- JBL: You can't help but feel bad for Daniel Bryan.
- Michael: Daniel Bryan...Daniel Bryan.
- Jerry: Well, you know what, guys? Look at it this way—Mr. McMahon just got his wish. He didn't want Cena to be Champion, and he sure as hell didn't want Daniel Bryan to be Champion.
- Jerry: Randy Orton didn't even have to do a thing. After that Pedigree, he just turned Daniel Bryan over, covered him, and the Game counted 1-2-3; we got a new WWE Champion. What on Earth have we just witnessed? What does this mean?! What's gonna happen?!
- The Miz: In a summer dominated with talking robots, talking monkeys, and talking Ninja Turtles, tonight, you are blessed in be in a presence with a real-life, non-CGI movie star. A man who possesses something that Drax the Destroyer to Hercules to every single person in this town wishes they had—[points to his face] this, the moneymaker. See, tonight, I wanna make Dolph Ziggler go from a bright, shiny star that everybody's been talking about, to an unrecognizable failure. In other words, I'm gonna make WWE Dolph Ziggler, Superstar, the WWE version of the Lakers.
- Michael Cole: [on Maria Menounos] She once called me her favorite host of all time at WrestleMania.
- Jerry "The King" Lawler: What?
- John "Bradshaw" Layfield: She later admitted that she was under the influence.
- JBL: On Paige's 22nd birthday, she becomes a 2-time Divas Champion!
- Jerry: Guys, we've had two matches and two title changes here tonight.
- Michael: What an incredible performance by Paige, and what a counter, guys, of AJ's Black Widow submission maneuver.
- JBL: What an incredible SummerSlam so far! Happy birthday, Paige!
- [Paige sits a barely conscious AJ up and hugs her, gives her a kiss, and shoves her back down. She skips around the ring]
- Jerry: Look at...look at this.
- JBL: Paige does have affection, she does love AJ.
- Jerry: Come on, this is... As you said, Michael, that's a little creepy.
- Michael: Whack-job.
- JBL: Champion.
- Michael: What a specimen. [Brock picks up Cena over his shoulders] Oh, my God, Cena on top. Brock Lesnar. Brock Lesnar going for the F-5. [Lesnar hits the F-5 and covers Cena] For the Championship, Lesnar with the cover. [Referee counts to three] Lesnar has won the WWE World Title in convincing fashion!
- Justin Roberts: The winner of this match...and NEW WWE World Heavyweight Champion: Brock Lesnar!
- JBL: That is the most dominating performance I have ever seen in a championship match in my life.
- Michael: It wasn't even close.
- JBL: My God.
- Michael: Lesnar has conquered John Cena.
- JBL: Lesnar destroyed a 15-time World Champion, he destroyed the Streak. This man, Brock Lesnar, is unstoppable.
- Michael: This was a merciless assault.
- JBL: I think Brock could've ended it earlier. He just didn't want to. I never dreamed I would see this happen to John Cena.
- Michael: What a 2014 for Brock Lesnar - the most dominant year of any athlete here in WWE! He stops the undefeated streak at WrestleMania of the Undertaker, and he slays John Cena!
- Paul Heyman: [to Brock] You are the conqueror, and you've conquered the WWE Universe!
- Jon Stewart: You know, I've spent the last 16 years talking about politics; it's nice to be back in reality.
- Xavier Woods: Brooklyn, now, we know that your city is used to feeling filthy and disgusting, so we brought you some positivity. I mean, look at how clean we are. Everybody, get your cameras out and see how good we look!
- John "Bradshaw" Layfield: They are clean.
- Kofi Kingston: You see, today, we're gonna teach up about a little something called hip...hop, something that New York doesn't know anything about. Y'all don't know nothing about hip-hop, because hip-hop originated in the South.
- Xavier: Peace up, A-Town down!
- Kofi: So it goes a little something like this. [The New Day enters the ring] Hold on now, come on, come on. You know Jay-Z's tried this, but Jay-Z failed. The good news is the New Day's about to make it a whole lot better. All right, pitch pipes to C. Pitch pipes to C.
- Big E: Got it.
- [The New Day blows into their pipes]
- Kofi: [to tune of "Empire State of Mind"] Let's hear it for New Day
- Xavier: Negativity won't affect us
- Kofi: Clap 'cause it's infectious
- Xavier: Let's hear it for New Day
- Big E: All those other tag teams are booty
- Yeah, I said booty
- Xavier: Let's hear it for New Day
- New Day: New Day, New Daaa...[brief stop for breath]...aaayyyyy
- ...
- JBL: Jay-Z's gonna sign those guys if he can afford 'em.
- Xavier: Tricep meat all day long! Big E's got the market cornered on tricep meat! You can't even get a hamburger in WWE because Big E sells nothing but tricep meat!
- JBL: That's what happens when you have a Ph.D, Michael—you've got a lot to say like Xavier Woods.
- Jon: Paul Heyman, I'm a big fan. I call you the Apex Orator.
- Paul Heyman: Thank you. I consider that a compliment.
- Jon: It is a compliment. May I have a word with Mr. Lesnar?
- Paul: Now's not really a good time.
- Jon: Because I'm an Undertaker guy, is that what this is?
- Paul: Well...that's not the only reason, but if I may. What happened when your guy fought my Beast, what do you got to say about that?
- Jon: You're pretty happy about that, right? The victory. You know who wasn't happy about that? Wrestling fans. See, that's what I am; I'm a wrestling fan. And the Undertaker had perfection. He had a streak that hadn't been seen, 21-0. You know who people remember? Joe DiMaggio and his streak. You know who they don't remember? The guy who ended that streak. So let me ask you something. When you watched WrestleMania, were you happy to see the fans' faces, the disappointment and the sadness of those people who paid good money to come out and see perfection? But there you were as the advocate, rubbing salt, salt in the wound of every wrestling fan everywhere. They came out there to WrestleMania that day hoping to see magic, perfection. It was Christmas morning, they had that present, they opened it up, and they didn't get a puppy. You know what they got, you know what you gave them, you and the guy with the head and the shoulders and the dagger on the chest? You know what you gave them? Coal. Are you happy about that? What do you have to say about that?
- Paul: [to tune of "Battle Hymn of the Republic"] Glory, glory, Brock Lesnar
- Glory, glory, Brock Lesnar
- I guess we couldn't get David Letterman to host the show tonight.
- [As Jon Stewart runs into the Cena-Rollins match with a chair, between the two]
- JBL: What is Jon Stewart doing?
- Jerry "The King" Lawler: Jon Stewart?
- JBL: He told Cena in the pre-show, "if you need any help, I'm there."
- Michael: Well, remember Stewart's had major issues with Rollins on his old Daily Show.
- Jerry: Jon, don't do this. You cannot do this.
- JBL: Jon Stewart has no business being in there, none. It's a World Championship match, get him out of there!
- Jerry: I can't believe this.
- Michael: Cena has no idea what's going on, he can't even see. [Jon rams Cena in the stomach with the chair] Oh, come on! What the hell did he do that for?!
- [Jon throws the chair at Seth's feet and scurries out of the ring. Seth hits the Pedigree on Cena]
- Jerry: Jon Stewart, what have you done?!
- Michael: Pedigree on the chair! A Pedigree on the chair! [Rollins tosses the chair out and covers Cena] Rollins is gonna win the US Title! You gotta be kidding me!
- JBL: What did Jon Stewart do that for?!
- Michael: Not like this!
- [Chad Patton counts to three]
- JBL: Why would he do that?!
- Michael: Rollins has made history thanks to Jon Stewart!
- Lilian Garcia: Ladies and gentlemen, your United States and WWE World Heavyweight Champion: Seth Rollins!
- JBL: The hell did we just see?!
- Jerry: The host of SummerSlam just helped Seth Rollins win!
- Michael: Seth Rollins, the first man to hold the United States Title and the WWE World Title, but what did we just see?
- Michael: Jon Stewart has gone from Daily Show host to SummerSlam criminal here tonight.
- JBL: Maybe SummerSlam hero; depends on your perspective, Michael.
- Jerry: Oh, come on, that wasn't right and you know it, John.
- Big Cass: New York City!
- [crowd cheers]
- Big Cass: How you doin'?
- Enzo Amore: This match is dedicated to all the teachers that told us we never amount enough. To all the people in the building hustling trying to make some money on feeding their daughter, and all the people in the struggle, you know what I'm saying?
- Cass: It's all good, baby, baby!
- Enzo: It was all a dream and that dream has become a reality! How you doin'? There was once a man who stood on the other side of the Hudson River who went by Ol' Blue Eyes. Now when he sang "New York, New York", he knew he was looking at the greatest city in the world, and he knew full well, if you can make it here, then you can make it anywhere.
- Cass: [singing] It's up to you, New York, New York!
- [crowd cheers]
- Enzo: And young blue eyes right in this ring and that seven-footer standing next to me, right now we're in an empire state of mind, baby. And we are living proof that bright lights can inspire you. So, with that being said, allow me to quote a great from right here in Brooklyn, New York, a notorious New Yorker, Biggie Smalls. Biggie Smalls said, "Mo' money, mo' problems." Well then Jeri-KO, you're looking at a couple problems cause me and Big Cass are walking, talking checks on the come up like the Michael Jordan silhouette.
- Cass: Jeri-KO, we've got 99 problems and you ain't one of them. You wanna come into our backyard and try to act hard? Well, no, no, no, no, no, because there's only [the crowd joins in] one word to describe you, and I'm gonna spell it out for ya! S-A-W-F-T!
- Crowd: SAWFT!
- Corey Graves: I liked you better when you weren't allowed to have an opinion.
- Michael Cole: That's changed. A lot's changed.
[Brock Lesnar using a tractor to attempt flipping the ring]
- Michael Cole: Where the hell is he going?
[the ring moves]
- Corey Graves: Oh, Jesus!
- Michael Cole: Corey, get the hell out of there! Brock Lesnar just moved the entire ring with a goddamn tractor!
- Corey Graves: I'm in Kid Rock's lap right now! God Almighty, what the hell is Lesnar doin'?! I do--
[Lesnar flips the ring]
- Michael Cole: Lesnar's liftin' up the [Corey: OH, MY GOD!!!] ring with Reigns in it! With a damn tractor!! REIGNS FALLS OUT OF THE ENTIRE RING!!
- Corey Graves: THIS IS ONE OF THE DAMNEDEST THINGS I'VE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE!
- Michael Cole: I'VE NEVER SEEN ANYTHING LIKE THIS! EVER! BROCK LESNAR JUST LIFTED THE RING FIFTEEN FEET OFF THE GROUND WITH A DAMN TRACTOR!!!!
[Lesnar tries to beat the count of 10]
- Michael Cole: Corey, this is-- this- this is sickening. This is uncomfortable out here.
- Corey Graves: I-I-I-I'm speechless.
- Michael Cole: We're at a count of five. Roman Reigns is four ticks away from retaining his championship. A count of seven now. A count of eight, Brock Lesnar-- Look at the look in Lesnar's eyes! Lesnar back to a knee! Lesnar beats the count again! You gotta be kidding me! WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?! WHAT IS THIS MAN MADE OF?!?!?!?!
- Corey Graves: HE'S NOT HUMAN!!!
[Reigns pummels Lesnar with the WWE Championship]
- Michael Cole: Reigns with the title off the face of Lesnar! That's gotta be it!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, COUNT FASTER!!!
[Dominik Mysterio and Liv Morgan kiss each other after Mysterio costed Rhea Ripley the Women's World Championship]
- Michael Cole: DOMINIK, YOU SORRY TWO-TIMING SON OF A BITCH!!!
- Pat McAfee: This piece of trash screwed over his dad, and now screws over his Mami as well!!!
- Corey Graves: Ain't love grand?
- Michael Cole: Rhea Ripley heartbroken. Guys, has this been a ruse for months? What the hell is going on here?
- Pat McAfee: You would assume that Dom can't think months in advance 'cause he's too dumb, but anything's possible with this piece of...
- Michael Cole: Well, just say it. I mean that's what he is.
- Pat McAfee: THIS PIECE OF SHIT!!!
