American Dad!

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American Dad! is an animated U.S. television series, broadcasted since 2005.

Contents

[edit] Season 1

[edit] Pilot [1.1]

Roger: Holy Toledo, you killed your son's dog! And don't ask me to bring him back with that E.T. finger thing cause that's a giant load of crap!
Stan: I'm a Republican, Roger. Fixing elections is my bread and butter. You know how many votes George Bush got in the first election? Seven.
Hayley: Oh my God. Dad, why is Hilary Duff in our house?
Stan: Hilary is here of her own free will because she wants to have dinner with Steve.
Steve: Hilary, could you pass the salt?
Stan: [holding gun to her head] Pass him the salt.
Stan: Hilary, look out for the mines! [off-screen explosion] What did I just say? You heard me. What did I just say?
Steve: You said, "Look out for the mines."
Stan: I said, "Look out for the mines."
Steve: All periods will now be called Steves.
[shift to a classroom scene]
Boy #1: [to another boy] Hey, I'm thinking of cutting third Steve, you in?
Boy #2: Yeah, as long as I'm back by fourth Steve.
Teacher: [to class] So, if it's a statement, it should always be followed by a Steve.
Girl: Mr. Phillips, may I be excused? I'm having my Steve.
Steve: This is it. I have absolute power. [over intercom] Doris, could you please send in our high school mascot? [A man dressed in a buffalo costume comes in.] Welcome, buffalo. As you must've heard, I have been elected student body President. As such, I can do anything I want... and I want to ride the buffalo! [Steve jumps on mascot's back] Woo hoo hoo!!
Buffalo: MOOOO!!! [destroys everything in the office]
Steve: Yes, yes! I'm riding the buffalo! [buffalo falls, Steve gets off, Doris comes in] Now send in the lunch lady.
Principal Lewis: Smith! What's the meaning of this?!
Steve: Principal Lewis, I am taking your office. Pursuant to Pearl Bailey High Statuette 39-F, quote, "The Student Body President can acquisition any room on school premesis for the purpose of conducting school business."
Principal Lewis: You can read! The school system works! [dejectedly] I'll be back for my stuff.
Roger: By the way, Hayley, oh my God, these Chocodiles, these Chocodiles Hayley, oh my God, these Chocodiles, oh my God!
Stan: [carries a gun, searching the house for an intruder] Osama? Is that you?
Girl: Hey, I love your dog.
Guy: Hey, want to come back to my apartment and pet my schnauzer?
Girl: Okay.
Guy: And then we can play with this dog.
Stan: Francine, be careful when you go out today; we're at terror alert orange! Which means something could go down somewhere in some way at some point in time, so look sharp!
Halyey: You know, Dad, I think it's great that you and your CIA buddies have made up some fun little way to keep the masses paranoid and in fear.
Stan: You like shaving your legs, Hayley? Huh? 'Cause if the terrorists take over, that's the first thing to go! [the toaster pops up its products and Stan quickly takes out his gun and shoots it numerous times destroying the toaster and nearly the toast]
Hayley: [staring in shock along with the rest of the family at Stan] It's just toast, Dad.
Stan: This time it was toast, Hayley...THIS TIME!
Francine: It's okay. This one will be mine. [claims the toast that was just shot up]

[edit] Threat Levels [1.2]

[Stan gets up from hot tub naked.]
Greg: Hey Tom Zimmerman, take a picture, why don't you?
Terry: I was being polite. It'd be rude not to look.
Francine: This is a wonderful starter home. I've been saving it for a couple just like you.
Woman: Pretty soon, we're gonna be more than a couple.
Francine: Oh, congratulations! I just thought you were fat.
Woman: We're adopting.
waitress: Thank you, Mrs. Smith.
Stan: You paid? You said you were going to the bathroom.
Fancine: I did both.
Stan: Well you can just do it all, can't you?
Hayley: Here's to mom. She's finally cast off the shackles of domestic servitude and realized her potential as a smart, independent woman.
Stan: Hayley, how would you like a punch in the face?
Steve: I can't believe I'm gonna die a virgin.
Francine: Aw, sweetie, there was a 70-80% chance of that happening, anyway.
Stan: I could have assassinated you!
Francine: What?
Stan: Nothing.
Stan: What makes you think you're going to survive?
Roger: My species is immune to all human ailments.
Stan:: So explain that cold sore.
Roger: Mind your own business!
Steve: Toshi, do you have a camera?
Toshi: [subtitled] You assume this because I am Asian. You are a racist.
Steve: Wow, that's a lot of words for "of course".
Steve: I can't believe you muscled out your own son. You stink dad!
Stan: Oh, come on. What's more important? Your hopes and dreams or me making more money than your mother?

[edit] Stan Knows Best [1.3]

Hayley: No way!
Stan: [points gun at Hayley] Yes way!
Francine: Stan!
Stan: She started it!
Francine: How's everyone's French toast?
Stan: Smelly and ungrateful. But this American toast is delicious!
Stan: These wigs are fashioned after the most revered Republican first ladies of our times. [pointing out the various wigs] The Barbara Bush, the Nancy Reagan, the Maria Shriver.... [looks directly at the audience] Stay tuned.
Hayley: Those are horrible!
Stan: Hey! Girls your age have to go through chemo to get a wig this nice!

(Steve, after tutoring a girl, tries to convince her that Roger, his "sister", is a burn victim)

Steve: I remember when my sister had her accident. Oh, did I know mention my sister, who was horrifically burned to over 98% of her body?
Kim: That's terrible
Steve: Only her taint survived.

(Hayley, working as a bar girl at the strip club, brings a guy a beer)

Man: Hey, waitress! Bring me another beer.
Hayley: But I just brought you one.
Man: Yeah, this one's to drown my crabs. (pours beer down his pants)
Stan: How could you let Hayley do this?!
Jeff: Do what?
Stan: Don't play dumb! You know she's stripping. Showing people her Ho Ho's, her Ding Dong's, her Suzie Q's, her... her... uh... aw, God, what... what are those called...? Those little, uh... pink with coconut...? They're really good....
Jeff: Her Sno Balls?
Stan: You bastard!
Stan: [fighting a stripper in a Bo-Peep outfit] Hey Bo-Peep, I know where you can find your sheep, in hell!!!

[edit] Francine's Flashback [1.4]

Bullock: Reverse memory erasing? Now that would be science fiction.
Hayley: My mother stole my boyfriend!
Stan: Your boyfriend stole my wife! Let's get back at them by dating each other!
[pause]
Stan: Wait a minute. Daddy didn't think that through.
Stan: [talking about euthanising a racoon] She said it was the most compassionate thing she'd ever seen.... And I got to kill something. It was a magical moment.
Bill Pullman: Hello, I'm forgettable actor Bill Pullman. You may not remember from movies such as While You were Sleeping and Twister. Wait, was I in Twister? No that was Bill Paxton. [...] Thank you. I'm Bill Pullman. Wait, I was also in Independ... [TV turns off]
Stan: Jeff Daniels is right.
Roger: [after knocking out two girls with a frying pan] Did you see where they went?
Steve: Who?
Roger: The black guys who did this.

[edit] Roger Codger [1.5]

Stan: [after electrocuting terrorists] I just made a killing in the shock market!
Roger: [after being thought for dead and being thrown in a dumpster] Can't a guy go into a stress induced hibernation without getting thrown in a landfill?
Old lady: [spitting at the Lincoln Memorial] That's for freein' the slaves, ya negro-lovin' Yankee Devil!
Roger: [gritting his teeth] And suddenly, things turned ugly.
Klaus: Now here's your allowance: five bubbles. [blows five bubbles] Ah, what the hell - six bubbles. [blows another bubble and whispers] Don't tell your mother.
Stan: [gets in the passenger side of a car] Stan Smith, CIA! To the Smithsonian! Oh wait, this my car. [shifts over to the driver's side]] Even better!
Stan: Nobody threatens my family. Now, get out of the way or I'll shoot you all.
Hayley: Oh, God, it's my junior prom all over again.
Roger: Hey, Hayley, got a minute?
Hayley: Roger? You're alive? Or is this like an episode of the Twilight Zone where I talk to you from beyond the grave but only with terrible ironic results?
Roger: Oh, right, it's after twelve you're probably high. Let me talk to the fish.
Stan: [after Steve calls him a monster] I'm not a monster. [A skull pops out of the boiler. Stan kicks it back in.]
Francine: Hayley, why don't you say grace?
Hayley: I'll pass.
Steve: Come on, you pray all the time when Jeff comes over. "Oh God! Oh God!"
Stan: [clearly not understanding or ignoring the innuendo] Yes, yes, she's very devout.

[edit] Homeland Insecurity [1.6]

Stan: [after his car runs out of gas] Stupid gas-guzzler, that I as an American have every right to drive.
Stan: So, what part of Islam do you hail from?
Bob: Well, my parents were from Iran, but I was born in Cleveland.
Stan: Really? You know, we also have a Cleveland here in America and it'd be just super if you didn't blow it up.
Francine: It's potluck, so bring whatever you want.
Stan: But not smallpox. Ha, kidding. Kinda joking but not really!
Stan: Well, if you're ever taken hostage by, say, a neighbor, and you end up on Al Jazeera, just blink your coordinates in Morse code, like this [blinks quickly as an example] and I'll have a bomb dropped on your location.
Steve: But then I'd be dead.
Stan: Oh, c'mon sport, there are plenty of kids in heaven to play with. Your cousin Billy, that little girl from Poltergeist. Well she must be at least sixteen by now; you could totally hit that.

[Francine is pointing a gun at Stan to get him to release their neighborhood from their backyard]

Francine: Let 'em go, Stan! It's been a fun ride, but it's over!
Stan: Oh, not this old bit. You point a gun at me, I pretend I'm gonna do what you say, then I pull out my gun, we do our little John Woo standoff, inevitably your arm gets tired [Francine's arm starts to shake], then you drop your gun and we have nobody-got-shot sex. [she drops the gun, groans in agitation and leaves the room] Wh-where are you--Francine! W-well, why did you pull a gun on me if you didn't want to have sex?!

[edit] Deacon Stan, Jesus Man [1.7]

[after Klaus reveals that Roger ate all of Francine's potato salad.]
Roger: You set me up, Klaus! Why would you do something so awful?
Klaus: I'm German. It's what we do.
Roger [after Klaus reveals Roger's secret to producing more milk]: Why, Klaus? Why?!
Klaus: Ja. Still German.
[after Karl Rove is seated at the kitchen table]
Hayley: Wait, I know you! You're the amoral puppet master behind George W. Bush!
Karl Rove: Thank you.
Stan: There is one person I would like to thank... [Francine stands up] Karl Rove! [wolf howls while Francine looks down in disappointment] Karl, come up here.
[Karl moves into the church doorway and he begins to emit smoke, screaming in pain. He then stands back.]
Karl: I'm good here. My work is done! [transforms into a swarm of bats and flies off]
Steve: What am I gonna do?!
Hayley: Whatever you want. You know, a pregnant boy still has the right to choose.
Stan: Not in this house he doesn't. We're Conservatives and the one way we don't like to kill things is that way.
Steve: [after holding hands with Betsy] I touched her hand... her hand touched her boob. By the transitive property, I got some boob! Algebra's awesome!
Stan: It's a bizarre situation. Not 8 Simple Rules, let's-keep-it-going-after-the-father-died bizarre, but close.

[edit] Stan of Arabia: Part 1 [1.12]

Stan: Michael Moore? Oh, you mean Michael bin Laden!
Stan: Alright everyone stay calm. We may be in Saudi Arabia but it doesn't mean we have to panic and blame your mother.
Roger:[after getting out of Francine's suitcase] Guess you forgot to unpack me on the ride over here, huh? Well, good thing I dropped a duece in your nylons! I need a drink; where's the booze in this place?
Haley: There is no booze. Saudi Arabia is a dry country.
Roger: [Staring at her] Seriously, where's the booze?
Francine: Honey, maybe you and Rashad would like to go play.
Steve: Mom he's like eight years old. I'm not a little kid anymore. My childhood died on July 18 2003. The day Kobe Bean Bryant was charged with sexual assault.
Francine: Steve-
Steve: Why was he even in Colorado in the first place? Black men don't go to Colorado.
Stan: Oh, I invited the fellows over for a feast after work so I figured you could whip something up. Or as they say in this country, [clap clap]
Francine: Forget it! You may have me locked up in this house but I control what I do in it. Or as they say in my country, [finger snaps]
Stan: I'm gonna find a satellite dish so we can watch Lost. Just because we're stuck in this hell-hole doesn't mean it's not Wednesday!
Francine: [landing on the ground after being punched by Thundercat] You wanna dance, bitch? Let's dance!

[edit] Stan of Arabia: Part 2 [1.13]

Francine: [singing about Saudi Arabia]
It's great if you're from Mars/
but not if you're from Venus./
If you wanna drive a car/
you'd better have a penis./
If you've got a vagina, a vulva, a clitoris--
Arab Guy: What is a clitoris? [Stan shrugs]
Francine: and a labia -- You see where I'm going with this -- Stay the hell away from Saudi Arabia!
Klaus: [after Francine's scream shatters his bowl] Your family may have moved to Saudi Arabia, but I'm the real fish out of water! [laughs, then suddenly stopping] Seriously, I'm dying.

[edit] Stannie Get Your Gun [1.14]

Hayley: [singing]
Guns make holes in your body/
through which you can't potty/
just your blood and guts spill out./
Bambi's mom could still munch grass/
Tupac would be tappin' ass/
If you hate guns/
Scream and shout!
Francine: Look at you two. Who had thought guns could bring you so close together?
Stan: I know... if only we could get some guns to the Middle East...
Stan: Pen-gun, mightier than the sword.
Stan: [holding sword, blade folds to reveal a barrel] Sword-gun, mightier than the pen-gun.
[after Roger successfully tricks Steve into thinking that Stan and Francine kidnapped him as a toddler due to Steve eating Roger's cookie]
Stan: Hey, son!
Steve: Don't "son" me, baby-snatcher! [pushes a bookcase onto Stan's wheelchair-ridden body]
Stan: [after a pause, apparently not upset at his son] Something on your mind, champ?
Hayley: Steve! What are you doing?
Steve: [suavely] Something we've wanted to do for ages, "Sis". [he proceeds to french-kiss her for five seconds while she struggles to get away to no avail]
Roger: [in shock of what he just witnessed] Oh. My. God. [now with a smile on his face] Everything that happens from this point on is just gravy.

[edit] Star Trek [1.15]

Steve: So now I was a published writer, but my life had become boring, as boring as a bad metaphor. Or simile. Whatever, I'm not a writer.
Francine: Any letters for me?
Stan: No, just another postcard saying that your hair looks like crap - hey, it's from me!

[edit] Rough Trade [1.17]

Stan: Are you drunk?
Roger: Working on it.
Klaus: If that were a real Wish Bowl, it would be in the Ferrari of a 600-year-old Incan on the way to his job as Jessica Alba's G-string.
[Stan and Klaus are at home, watching The $100,000 Pyramid]
Stan: This is what Roger does? He just sits here and watches this crap all day? What am I missing?
Klaus: An elevated blood-alcohol content.
[later, Stan is watching TV drunk]
Stan: Things you eat! Things that are fruit! Oh, oh, oh, things you peel! Ah, I'm halfway up the pyramid!
Klaus: You're watching The Price Is Right.
Stan: Shut up, Hayley. Oh, oh, oh, things that wear pants!
Stan: [alone in the attic] Things that are getting fat. Things that might be wrong, and Roger might be right. Things that should buck up! Things that will be proven right in the end! Aw, things that are just kidding themselves. Things that are useless. Things that are getting soft! Things that are stupid, dumb stupid-heads! Things that miss being needed. Things that need more wine to make the pain go away! [crying]

[edit] Finances With Wolves [1.18]

Klaus: [closing lines, after he is reverted back into a goldfish] I guess it's true what they say; once you're black, there's no going back.

[edit] It's Good to Be Queen [1.19]

Guy #1: It's all set, right?
Guy #2: It's gonna be just like in Carrie. (Pulls rope; several squealing pigs fall on Stan)
Guy #1: Pigs? It was supposed to be pig's blood.
Guy #2: I didn't finish the book.
Guy #1: You stopped reading after the word "pigs"? That wasn't even the end of the sentence.
Roger: Hey, with this mortar launcher, we can get back at the kid who went all Tom Sizemore on your eye!
Steve: Oh, I wish I could get back at him. I'm gonna dress up as a girl and get him to have sex with me and then say "Ha! I'm not a girl! You just had sex with a boy that hates you!"
Roger: Yes, let's leave that plan between you, me, and the string of therapists who won't be able to help you.
Mitch: A car is simply a means of transporting pizzas. Thankfully the pizzas survived for they contain the dough... of life.
Roger: [sarcastically as he goes on a delivery with Mitch] This is gonna be totally life changing. [cut to Roger and Mitch exiting the house; this time, Roger looks delighted] That was totally life changing!
Stan: (in dream) Laugh now! 'Cause in twenty years, I'll have my own homecoming queen. And we'll have our spotlight dance, and I'll show you and you. And you! And you! (back to reality; daydreaming; shooting his gun) And you, and you, and you!
Dick: Stan! Stan wake up!
Stan: Huh? Oh, sorry, must have zoned out.
Dick: You just shot Jackson eight times!
(Jackson groans and falls to the ground)
Stan: Oh, my God, Jackson! Hang on, buddy, you're gonna make it!
(Jackson coughs up his heart)
Stan: JACKSON!!!
(another {the real} Jackson enters)
Jackson: Hey, has anyone seen my CIA double?
Stan: Jackson, thank God! Yeah, I just shot him.
Jackson: Oh, man. He suppose to go on a dangerous mission to Pakistan with me.

[edit] Season 2

[edit] Lincoln Lover [2.4]

Steve: So then it's cool to alienate gays?
Stan: Yes, it is, son. Gays are the new Blacks.

[edit] Iced, Iced Babies [2.6]

Roger: You just earned yourself a week of detention!
Hayley: There's no detention in college.
Roger: Oh. Right. Well, then I'm taking away fifty points from Gryffindor!!

[edit] Of Ice and Men [2.7]

Grandson: Wait, someone accidentally ordered a woman in the mail? Grandpa, is this the same story?
Grandpa Klaus: No, it is a little side story. I'm using it to break up the main story so you don't get bored.
Grandson: Are we part of the story grandpa?
Grandpa Klaus: Oh nononono. No, we are a "framing device".
Grandson: Whoa-whoa-whoa. You were a fish?!
Grandpa Klaus: Oh yeah, that.... But Stan he was a new man and he--
Grandson: Hold on a second. You, were a fish. Don't you think that's a better story then two grown-ups ice skating?
Grandpa Klaus: I was also roommates with Rick Schroder, you wanna hear about that?
Grandson: YEAH!!
Grandpa Klaus: [sighs] Okay, Rick Schroder sucks, h-he just... h-he just sucks. He sucks so hard. Rick Schroder uses women. The end.
Roger: Stan you've gotta skate in this competition. For Francine. She hasn't been this happy in ages.
Stan: But you just said I shouldn't--
Roger: That was a test! You failed! God, you're selfish. [smack] Bad Stan! Oh, I meant to say "Bad Stan" and then slap you. Bad Stan! [smack] I dunno, I like it both ways.
Stan: Roger? Where did you learn to skate?
Roger: On my planet. You really haven't read my MySpace page, have you? You say you have, but you really haven't.

[edit] Black Mystery Month [2.13]

[The phone rings. A man picks it up]
Man: Yes?
Principal: [seriously] I'm afraid we have some chocolate in our peanut butter.
Stan: Forget about your report on Carver. Just do it on Will Smith. Oh wait, you need a black guy.
Steve: Now the world will never know the truth.
Stan: If only there was a place where you could make any outrageous claim you want with absolutely no proof, and millions of people would accept it as fact.
Steve: That's it!
[cutaway to Steve writing a Wikipedia article on "The Truth About Peanut Butter"]

[edit] The Magnificent Steven [2.18]

[Barry is hugging a small cow named Rosie]
Stan: Ok, who loves Rosie the most?
Barry: I do!
Stan: Good. You can kill her.
Barry: What?! I won't kill Rosie!
[Rosie's headless corpse is going round on a stick over a fire. Snot, Steve and Toshi are next to him as Stan is eating something]
Stan: Anyone want any Rosie?
[The kids shake their heads]:
Stan: I'm eating the head at the moment. See, even Barry had courage to kill Rosie.
[Cut to Barry holding an axe with blood all over his shirt, and is shaking. His eyes look crazy]:
Barry: [Highly pitched and mad] HER EYES SAID WHY!

[edit] Joint Custody [2.19]

Roger: [after escaping from a burning barn] You know what I meant to ask you? How did we get out of there?
Stan: I think we did some sweet maneuvers from that movie Backdraft.
Roger: I never saw Backdraft.
Stan: Me either.
Roger: Horse Renoir, bountｙ hunter! Grew up in the bayou. Some say the hell-spawn of a prostitute and a whore. Other say... [gets smacked in the head] Oww! Rude!
[a train appears, separating Jeff from Stan and Roger]
Stan: Damn it, Roger! He's getting away! [the train passes, revealing that Jeff is still there] Why didn't you run?
Jeff: You wanna know why? Because I didn't think of it. [blows into a flute] Oh, Shamus McFerson, present yourself! [nothing happens] GOD! WHERE'S MY LEPRECHAUN!?! [another train appears and Jeff hops on]
Stan: [to Roger] Well, I guess it's just you and me. [cocks Roger's shotgun, then shoots the front wheel of Roger's motorcycle] And now it's just me.
Roger: Wait! How will I get out of here?
Stan: Try jogging, you gross bowling pin! [drives off and suddenly a leprechaun appears next to Roger]
Leprechaun: You flute me?
Roger: Huh? Oh, no. That was Jeff.
Leprechaun: Oh. Well, you tell your boy this still counts as one. He only got two left. [heads into a bush, then swats a bug on his neck]. Hmm, damn. They love me. [disappears into a bush]
Convenience Store Clerk: That'll be $150.
Roger: What? How are we gonna come up with that kind of money?
Stan: We could turn in Jeff!
Roger: I thought Jeff was innocent.
Stan: [gasp] We gotta save Jeff!
Stan: Why can't Jeff live with his family?!
Hayley: He hasn't spoken to his dad in years, and his mom ran away before he was born.
Stan: How... how could she do that?
Stan: Look, honey, I'll make you a deal, you don't marry Jeff, and I won't bake you a roofie cake and tie your fallopians in a square knot.

[edit] Season 3

[edit] The Vacation Goo

[edit] Meter Made

[edit] Dope & Faith

[edit] Big Trouble in Little Langley

Bah Bah : She fail at math! Imagine Chinese girl who can't do math?
Stan Smith : It's always a shame when children don't adhere to stereotypes.
Stan : (To Francine) Gwen... God is she hot. Model hot. Get up and kiss me like your sis... aw, forget it.

[edit] Haylias

[Stam aims a shotgun at Hayley.]
Stan: Hayley, don't make me have to [she quickly snatches the shotgun from him and aims it at him] [lovingly and quickly speaking] spare your life because you're a part of the family!

[edit] The 42-Year-Old Virgin

Stan: There was a Space War?
Roger: Space War?! No no. I fought in the Viet Cong in the late sixties. I've told you that story, right? Well the end of it is we won.
Roger: Wow he is rough on you. He is elephant-making-love-to-a-cat rough on you.
Francine: [lays on the bed, posing] Hey killer, how was the kill? You need to wash the blood off your hands? Or better yet, don't.
Stan: Well... I didn't actually kill anyone. I tri--
Francine: [Hastily, crawling into bed] Ya know I'm tired, I have a headache, I've got a lot of work to do, my back hurts, it's that time of the month, I have an early meeting.
Stan: I need a ticket - quickly! My son is about to be molested!
Ticket Man: $65.
Stan: 65? That's outragous!
Ticket Man: If you have a soda can, you can get in for half price. [Stan runs away and drives to the store and buys a soda; he drives back]
Stan: Hi, I hope my son is still about to be molested. I need a half price ticket.
Ticket Man: I'm sorry, I'cant accept a full can. It has to be empty. [Stan chugs the soda, belching three times]
Stan: Polar bears... shouldn't give this... to their babies!

[Stan enters the water park, his partners get to the gate]

Bad Larry: Make a path! [a security guard stops them; they pull out their badges] CIA. [he lets them pass]
Stan: Whoa, what a bummer.
Bad Larry: I'm glad to be your first. And I...shall become...more powerful...THAN YOU COULD POSSIBLY IMAGINE! [dies]
Stan: What did he mean by that?
Roger: Eh, who cares, he's dead.
Greg: (gives Stan a corn-dog) I know it's just a corn-dog, but you'll never forget it. (exits as Stan eats the corn-dog, then reappears in the background) Where'd I park my car?

[edit] Surro-Gate

Francine: Doctor says I have a big, plushy cervix. Oh, listen to me bragging about my vagina. It's last week's PTA meeting all over again.
Stan [upon seeing Lily's "husband" Al]: You know, I love long hair on a man. Grown-up Jesus had long hair, but his breasts weren't as luscious as your-- HOLY SHIT, YOU'RE A WOMAN!
Klaus [After Steve and Roger throw him down a water slide]: Allow me to impress upon you the severe mistake you have made. For years my conduct has been largely benign. And yet, without provocation, you have severed our détente and forced me to unleash upon you the vengeful flames of a thousand suns. You shall curse your mothers for the day of your birth. For, go now, go, and begin your life of fear, knowing that when you least expect it, the looming sword of Damocles will crash down upon you, cleaving you in twain and as you gaze upon the smoking wreckage that was once your life, you will regret the day you crossed the WRONG FISH!!

[Nine months later...]

Steve: Ok you win, just do it already!
Klaus: Do what?
Roger: Get your revenge!
Steve: The water slide? the practical joke?
Klaus: Ohh yes, I had forgotten...
Roger: GOOD, good... us too.
Klaus: But now that you reminded me...the humiliation I suffered that day will not go unpunished! My pain is the bubbling cauldron of molten steel that will forge the saber of your demise! I SHALL NOT BE DENIED MY VENGEANCE...HAHAHAHAHA
Roger: [covers the fishbowl with a stack of books] Huh, wonder why we didn't think of that NINE months ago.

[edit] Tearjerker

(in a parody of the James Bond opening, Stan walks into the view of the gun barrel and goes to shoot at it, but ends up getting shot)

Stan: OW! What the hell? Wait, you're a gun? I always thought you were an eyeball or something! (walks away, clutching his gun wounds): Douche.

[edit] Oedipal Panties

Betty: I don't understand. We had such a good time on our first two dates. Then we were at the movies. He went to get popcorn and never came back. I had to watch the whole thing by myself. Adam Sandler had a remote control, I didn't know what was happening.
Stan: Francine, my mother is not manipulating me. Our relationship is completely normal. And if you keep upsetting me, then I'll have to retreat to my safe place between her breasts.
[Roger opens the bathroom door to find Stan and Betty in the bathtub]
Stan [to the tune of Drunken Sailor]:
What do you do when your mom's unhappy?
Jerry left her feeling crappy,
Sing her a shanty nice and snappy,
Wash her in the bathtub.
[Francine joins Roger at the door]
Wash, wash, wash your V-J,
Scrub, scrub, scrub your V-J,
Rinse, rinse, rinse your V-J,
Next, we'll do your tushie.
Wash, wash, wash, your tushie,
Scrub, scrub, scrub your tushie,
Rinse, rinse, rinse your tushie,
We just did your tushie.
[a shaken Roger is sitting on the couch, holding a drink and covered in towels]
Francine: I told you it was complicated.
Roger: No, no, no, changing planes at O'Hare is complicated. Th-this is... th-this is just... Frannie, what is this?
Stan: Too close to my mother?! How dare you! I'm all she's got!
Roger: Yeah, Francine, it's the man's mother, for God's sake! What is wrong with her?
Francine: But you were the one who said we should talk to him!
Roger: Yeah, about the possibility of switching from cable to dish! I didn't know I was gonna get dragged into your psychodrama! I vote dish, by the way.

(as Stan and Francine are making out)

Francine: Oh Stan, don't ever put your bike on the front of the bus.
Stan: Don't worry, the bus is for foreigners.
[Stan is trying to merge into traffic with the lane ahead of him blocked off]
Stan: Excuse me. Trying to merge. Not trying to get ahead of anybody, just merging. [driver honks at him] This isn't a contest, fuck you! Fine, I'll take the shoulder! [he knocks over some traffic cones only to find a construction worker and his truck in the way] Excuse me, trying to merge, I'm just trying to-- fuck you!

[edit] Unknown Episode

[edit] See Also

[edit] External Links

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