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- Back off, Susan Boyle!!
- Now if there's one thing you can be sure of, it's that nothing is more powerful than a young boy's wish. Except an Apache helicopter. An Apache helicopter has machine guns and missiles. It is an unbelievably impressive complement of weaponry, an absolute death machine.
- No matter how big a splash you make in this world whether you're Corey Feldman, Frankie Muniz, Justin Bieber or a talking teddy bear, eventually, nobody gives a shit.
- Asian Man: What the hell you problem!? You breaka my wall!
- Ted: If you can punch through this wall, you really are Flash Gordon.
- John: Are you gonna do it?
- Sam: I'm gonna punch through
- Ted: Come on Sam! Do it!!
- Ted: There you are, John. There's some guy in your office is making out with that Van Wielder looking guy.
- John: Go away! I don't even wanna talk to you!
- Ted: What?
- John: Do you have any clue? MY FUCKING LIFE JUST ENDED!!
- John: You know, Sometimes I think back in that Christmas morning when I was 8 years old, I wish I just got a Teddy-Ruxpin.
- Ted: Say that one more time!
- John: TEDDY-RUX-FUCKING-PIN!!!