Clerks II

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Clerks II (2006), directed by Kevin Smith, is the sequel to the 1994 film Clerks.

[edit] Randal Graves

One semester we took Criminology, for God's sake! Criminology! Who the fuck were we studying to be: Batman?
So that's the way you see all this time we've spent together? That's weird, man. I thought you were the only guy in the world who got me and had my back, the only person who'd take a bullet for me, 'cause I assumed you felt the same way about me the same way I feel about you. Then all of the sudden one day you're like, "I'm movin'. Bye." Do you know what that's been like for me? I'm lookin' at a future that just sucks cause you aren't gonna be in it anymore. And you're not even throwin' me over for a life that means something to you. It's just a stupid, hollow existence you think you should embrace because you're getting old or something, because it's the life everyone else goes after. You're a fuckin drone, dude.
Man, you must love this fucking guy, 'cause he's the biggest pussy I ever met, the dude who lives his life according to everyone else's standards. "I have to go down to Florida and get married because that what's expected of me." And the fucking insane part is, he ain't even crazy about the chick he's marrying or Florida, never mind the fact that he's got a perfectly good chick right here in Jersey who he's nuts about and even Anne-fucking-Frank can see that she's nuts about him — God knows why. And she likes you for who you are, man. She ain't trying to stuff you into a box you'll never fit into, not to mention that she's carrying your hideous fucking C.H.U.D. of a kid. Jesus, if you had any sense whatsoever, you'd fucking stop trying to bray it up with the rest of the sheep and live your life the way it makes sense to you, you fucking ass.
What's the point of having an Internet connection if you're not using it to look at weird fucked-up pictures of dirty sex you'll never have yourself?
Alright look, there's only one Return, okay, and it ain't of the King. It's of the Jedi.
You're my best friend and I love you, in a totally heterosexual way. Please don't leave me.
Who would be friends with me? I hate everyone and everything seems stupid to me.

[edit] Dante Hicks

You never go ass to mouth!

What'd you do that for?! You realize he just thinks you're trying to get him into a three-way with us now, don't you?

[edit] Jay

You know, sometimes I wish I did a little more with my life instead of hangin' out in front of places sellin' weed 'n shit. Like, maybe be an animal doctor. Why not me? I like seals 'n shit. Or maybe an astronaut. Yeah... I'd be the first motherfucker to see a new galaxy, or find a new alien life form... and fuck it. And people'd be, like, "There he goes; homeboy fucked a Martian once."

(From an alternate introduction to the characters) "Ooh, I fucking hate sobriety, tubby! Everything's so crisp and loud now, and boring. It's boring, son! It's boring! Well, you could do more to help that, you know. This whole 'not talking' shit's getting old. It didn't matter when I was high, cause I'd just imagine you were talking in my head, like The Shining and shit, son. Like the Shining and shit. 'Jay's not here right now, Missus Torrance. Silent Bob's the man who lives inside my mouth'...eww, you fucking faggot, I bet you'd love to live in my mouth." (Silent Bob rolls his eyes) "Well, you had your chance. Back when I was high, you might have had a chance to slip your chubby little cock in me without me noticing, but that shit's NEVER gonna happen now that I'm all dry and shit...like your mom's puss. (Pause) That is, unless you got a joint?" (Silent Bob shoots him a look of shock and surprise.) "Ooh! Ooh, Motherfucker! You're SO fucking lucky! See, I was just testing you. You're lucky you passed, or I'd have to get rid of you as my sponsor. And then you'd cry like a little BITCH!"

That guy's being awfully forward with that donkey.

[edit] Elias

What's sexier than an elf princess's sword?

I hope that donkey doesn't have a hiney troll.

At Bible Camp, we made a flow chart. Since God created man, and man created the Transformers, the Transformers are like a gift from God, Randal!

[edit] Becky

I'm telling you this only because I'm your friend... Sometimes, in the heat of the moment, it's forgivable to go ass to mouth.

I'm disgusted, I'm repulsed... And I can't look away.

[edit] Dialogue

Elias: I've turned down chicks left and right!

Randal Graves: Your chicks are your left and right.

[A customer approaches Elias at the counter]

Hobbit fan: Hey man.

[Elias changes hats before taking the customer's order]

Elias: Welcome to Mooby's. May I take your order?

Hobbit fan: Yeah, um... see... give me one Udderly Delicious Moolkshake, a Skinny Calf and an order of onion rings. Thanks.

[Elias keys in the order]

Elias: One ring to rule them all.

[Surprised look on the customer's face]

Hobbit fan: One ring to find them.

Randal: Oh, Jesus.

[Elias pulls out his ring hanging on his necklace]

Elias: One ring to bring them all.

Hobbit fan: And in the darkness, bind them.

[Customer pulls out his ring from his pocket]

Elias: Yes!

Hobbit fan: Dude!

[Exchanges high-five with customer]

Elias: How many times?

Hobbit fan: Well, um, three for Fellowship, two for Towers, four for Return.

Elias: Five for Return.

[Randal walks by them]

Randal: All right, look... There's only one Return, okay? And it ain't of the King, it's of the Jedi.

Hobbit fan: Oh... Star Wars geek.

Randal: Oh, I'm the geek? Look at you two whipping out your "preciouses".

Elias: You'll have to excuse him. He's not down with the trilogy.

Randal: Oh, what the fuck happened to this world? There's only one trilogy, you fucking morons.

Hobbit fan: You know what? Maybe we should start calling your friend "Padme", because he loves Mannequin Skywalker so much, right? Hey - [impersonating a robot] Danger! Danger! My name is Anakin! My shitty acting is ruining saga!

Elias: Yeah, you're crazy, Jar Jar!

Randal: I'm crazy? Those fucking Hobbit movies were boring as hell. All it was was a bunch of people walking. Three movies of people walking through a fucking volcano. Here's the first movie...

[Randal jumps off the counter and walks slowly with his mouth open before walking back to the counter]

Randal: And here's the second movie...

[Randal does the same walk, except that midway, he sidesteps to the left and looks down before walking back to the counter]

Hobbit fan: He is way off. Loser.

Randal: You ready for the third movie?

[Randal does the same walk, but stops, looks down, pretends to pull a ring from his finger and drops it as two other customers watch him while eating]

Customer A: Fucking A.

Randal: Even the fucking trees walked in those movies.

Hobbit fan: You know what? I've had enough of you. Your simplistic analysis of the trilogy aside, The Lord of the Rings was a massive achievement. And even the Academy recognized them that they gave Peter Jackson the Best Directing Oscar - an award your little friend George "Toy Boy" Lucas has never - and will never - win. Bones.

[Exchanges fist salute with Elias]

Elias: Oh, sick burn.

Randal: Let me tell you something. If Peter Jackson really wanted to blow me away with those Rings movies, he would've ended the third one on a logical closure point. Not the 25 endings that followed.

Elias: What's the logical closure point?

Hobbit fan: Yeah, friend. Enlighten us.

Randal: When fucking Fredo wakes up from his little coma or whatever and the little Hobbits are jumping up and down on his bed. And Sam leans in the doorway and gives him that very fucking gay look.

Elias: Not the Rings Randal. Say what you will about Jesus, but leave the Rings out of this.

Hobbit fan: I ought to kick your ass back to the shire if you don't shut your fucking mouth.

Randal: That look was so gay, I thought Sam was gonna tell the little hobbits to take a walk, so he could saunter over to Frodo and suck his fucking cock. Now that would've been an Academy Award-worthy ending.

Hobbit fan: Hey! Faggot! They're not gay! They're Hobbits.

Randal: And then right after the Sam/Frodo suck-fest, right before the credits roll, Sam fucking flat-out bricks in Frodo's mouth.

Hobbit fan: I swear... Fuck you...!

[Hobbit fan suddenly vomits. Randal runs to the manager's office, laughing.]

Randal: I made fun of The Lord of the Rings so hard, it made some super geek puke all over the counter. Where do we keep the mop and bucket so I can have Elias clean it up?

Elias: [removing a smoking black basket of fries] I don't think these look right.

Randal Graves: Jesus! Step away from the fryer before you burn us all alive!

Elias: It's not my fault you abandoned your post!

Randal Graves: Was it too much to ask that you handle the fries? The machine does all the work! What, does a machine gotta transform into some giant fuckin' robot before you'll take it seriously?

Randal: You're in the bestiality business, dude.

Sexy Stud: Hey, fuck-o! We like to call it inter-species erotica.

Randal: Intriguing.