Curb Your Enthusiasm

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Curb Your Enthusiasm (2000-present) is an American television sitcom on HBO starring Seinfeld writer & co-creator Larry David. The series is loosely based on David's life as a semi-retired multi-millionaire in the world after Seinfeld. It was inspired by a 1999 one-hour mockumentary titled Larry David: Curb Your Enthusiasm, which David and HBO had envisioned as a one-time project.

Contents

Larry David: Curb Your Enthusiasm[edit]

Larry David: One thing I admire about Hitler - he never took any shit from magicians. [...] [imitating Hitler] Where is the rabbit? Show me the rabbit!

Cheryl: That wasn't nice of him to say that but here's this guy trying to get a job and what have you done?
Larry: What have I done? I haven't done anything. I was insulted, don't you see that?
Cheryl: Are you going to write him a letter now or something?
Larry: Write him a letter.."Dear prick, I'm sorry you're a prick."
Cheryl: Okay, that's not gonna help..
Larry: "I didn't know you were such a prick when I called.."
Cheryl: Okay-
Larry: "..but it really turned out that you were! In any event, would you please give this young man a job?"

Larry: Who do you think has more freedom: the married man in America or the single man in Communist China?

Season 1[edit]

The Pants Tent [1.1][edit]

Larry David: I know my sources. Sophia Loren was once a source.

Larry: [regarding his "bunch-up"] Is it a bad thing? Maybe it's not such a bad thing.
Cheryl: Oh, 'cause you want people to think you constantly have an erection?

Richard:[regarding his girlfriend] She reads Wiesel and a lot of things.
Larry: She reads Wiesel?
Richard: That's right. Not everyone's a moron I go out with.
Larry: You know what she should be reading? Emily fucking Post!

[Larry, unaware he is on speakerphone, is asked if he wants to play golf]
Larry: I dunno, I'll have to ask Hitler. (Cheryl)

Richard: You better call me later on, by sundown.
Larry: "By sundown"? What are you, Gary Cooper?

Larry: It's always great to see a black entrepreneur, isn't it?
Jeff's Mom: What?
Jeff's Dad: What did he just say? What is that supposed to mean?

Ted and Mary [1.2][edit]

Larry: Everything is "heaven" with [Ted]. The piece of gum he had; "Oh this is heaven!" Had a taste of a chocolate bar; "I'm in heaven." A parking space is "heaven." It's all "heaven."

Salesperson: I am not a shoe whore!

Salesperson: It's people like you that are the problem.
Larry: No, I'm the solution! I'm the solution to the problem!

Larry: I'd like to return this, please.
Sales woman: What seems to be the problem?
Larry: You know, it's kinda of half-jacket, half-shirt; half-man, half-beast.

Porno Gil [1.3][edit]

Larry: Maybe we can stop by the store and pick up some Tabasco.

Brian: Should you be going to the party with your back or, er, can you bend over? Can you bend with your back?
Larry: Yeah.
Brian: Well then maybe you should just bend over and kiss my ass and maybe next time you'll remember to pick up my fucking golf ball.

The Bracelet [1.4][edit]

Richard: I can't believe you won't help out a blind man.
Larry: I can't believe you said "blind man" in front of a blind man!

The Interior Decorator [1.5][edit]

Parking Attendant: "The bald guy with the glasses." That's you?
Larry: Unfortunately, that's me.
Parking Attendant: Hey, it's a good look.

The Wire [1.6][edit]

Jeff: If you're gonna be a maniac, pyro's not a good maniac.

Larry: You try to do something nice, see what happens?
Jeff: You get screwed.
Larry: You do one nice thing in your life. I assume it's the first nice thing you've ever done in your life.
Jeff: You're so complimentary.
Larry: It would put you one up on me, if that's the case. Although, I did, once, try and stop a woman who was about to get hit by a car. I screamed out "Watch out!" and she said "Don't you tell me what to do!"
Jeff: And that's all it took to for you to stop helping people?
Larry: I got out of the "nice" business at that point.

Larry: And who knows, you know what? Maybe I'll be able to need a lawyer someday.
Cheryl: Anything could happen.
Larry: A lot of people sue me.

Larry: What's the guy, 40 years old? He's got to meet Julia Louis-Dreyfus! What kind of person is that?!
Cheryl: He's a fan.
Larry: What does he expect to gain from such a meeting? What does he think? He's gonna go over there, she's gonna be so charmed by him that all of a sudden they'll start becoming friends? They'll talk on the phone and go out to dinner together, go to the movies? What, start e-mailing each other? Summer vacations? Is he out of his fucking mind?!

Phyllis: Tell me about Jerry Seinfeld and tell me about...he dates those young girls-
Larry: Well, um, he's a eunuch. Yes. His testicles were cut off when he was about 13 because he was in the Beth Shalom choir. And, um, that's what he wanted to be, he was a choirboy.
Phyllis: Julia, is that true? Does he really have no testicles?
Julia Louis-Dreyfus: You know, I've got to tell you, I don't have any fucking idea.

Cheryl: I guess Julia will have to come back over. You'll just have to arrange another meeting.
Larry: Are you out of your mind now?

Aamco [1.7][edit]

Julie: [referring to Larry's movie "Sour Grapes"] I enjoyed it. It was interesting. It was such a perfect length.
Larry: That's my specialty, length.
Julie: Well, I thought it was a good length
Larry: The width, what about the width? There's some good width in that movie.

Hobo: Got any spare change?
Jeff: Nah, I got nothing, man.
Larry: [hands him some leftovers] Want this?
Hobo: What is it?
Larry: It's tuna.
Hobo: I don't like tuna.

Larry: What is this compulsion to have people over at your house and serve them food and talk to them?

Larry: [after the dinner party] Hey, when's the next meeting of the Young Republicans club?

Cheryl: [referring to the caterer who stole their food] You know, this is very unprofessional if you ask me.
Larry: It's completely unprofessional. And I know because my whole career's been based on being unprofessional.

Caterer: [regarding the leftovers] Uhm, I'm really not sure that everything survived the trip here, so..
Larry: "Survived the trip here"? Where did you come from? The Sudan?

Beloved Aunt [1.8][edit]

Jeff: How did she die?
Larry: Killed herself.
Jeff: No, she didn't.
Larry: Killed herself.
Jeff: Why?
Larry: Nobody knows, she didn't leave a note. That is so rude, isn't it?
Jeff: That's really rude.
Larry: I mean, if you leave your house for ten minutes to go get a container of milk, you tell somebody where you went.
Jeff: I let my wife know before I go anywhere.
Larry: Yeah. Would it have killed her to leave a note?

Cheryl's Dad: But we have to continue.
Relative: We must go on.
Larry: Must go on! Can't go on! Must go on!

Larry: [stuffing fruit in his mouth] How many do you think I can get in my mouth at a time?

[Larry walks in on Cheryl's family after they finished reading the obituary. They all glare at him]
Larry: What?
Cheryl: "What?" We got a paper, that's what!
Cheryl's Dad: "Devoted sister, beloved cunt"?! [showing Larry the paper] That's what you put in the paper?!
Larry: [In shock] This is a typo! It should be "aunt"!
Cheryl: Did Jeff look at this before he turned it in?
Larry: They have proofreaders at papers!

Susie: [after reading the obituary, to Jeff] Do me a favor. When I die, let someone else handle the obit, OK?

Jeff: You gotta go.
Larry: What?
Jeff: You gotta go.
Larry: The hell are you talking about?
Jeff: You copped a feel off my mom, you gotta go.

Larry: Your mother thinks I touched her breast? That is so sick!
Jeff: It's what she thinks. What can I say? Sweet dreams.
Larry: "Sweet dreams". I'll dream about fucking your mother. "Sweet dreams."

Jeff: Do me a favor. Let me take care of the sunglasses.
Larry: The sunglasses?
Jeff: Give them to me, let me take care of them.
Larry: You want me to give a gift now?
Jeff: You gave it to her.
Larry: After this "entertaining" evening?
Jeff: C'mon, you gave it to her.
Larry: I don't think so. No.
Jeff: That's called "Indian giving".
Larry: Yes, I know what it's called. It's a very racist term but I'm okay with that.

Craig: Hi, Larry!
Larry: Hey, buddy! Hey, thanks for ratting me out to Becky, really appreciated it.
Craig: I did not rat you out.
Larry: You told her everything we talked about. And I told you not to say anything.
Craig: Well, that's your problem.
Larry: What a jerk.
Craig: Oh, I'm a jerk? Is that right? [starts to roll up sleeves]
Larry: Oh boy, oh boy. What are you going to do beat me up?
Craig: Maybe I will.
Larry: Go ahead! Take a shot!

Affirmative Action [1.9][edit]

Richard: Dr. Grambs, this is my friend, Larry David.
Larry: Hi, how you doing?
Richard: He's my dermatologist.
Larry: Really?
Richard: Yeah, for what, fifteen years already?
Larry: Even with the whole affirmative action thing?

Larry: Why don't we just call your doctor?
Cheryl: You can't call my doctor on the weekends, unless it's a life threatening emergency.
Larry: What?
Cheryl: Yeah, if you call his machine, it'll tell you you can't page him.
Larry: You called up and that's what it said?
Cheryl: Yeah.
Larry: That is obscene, you know that? [imitating the doctor] "Can't disturb the doctor on the weekend! Don't call the Dr. Zeppler on the weekend unless it's life-threatening!"
Cheryl: OK, OK.
Larry: [imitates the doctor's wife] "Norman, is someone calling? Who's calling? We're in the middle of dinner, Norman!"
Cheryl: Larry...
Larry: "This better be life-threatening or you're not gonna leave this house!"
Cheryl: Larry, please. I'm begging you.
Larry: "Norman! Unless they were burned in a fire I don't want you getting up from your chair. Do you understand, Norman?"

[after figuring out the navigation system for his car]
Larry: I can't wait to call my parents. They are gonna be so proud of me! When I tell my father I figured out out that navigation system, he's gonna flip his wig! And he's got one too!
Cheryl: Can we turn on the radio?
Larry: Oh, he's gonna be very proud of Larry figuring out the navigation system!
Cheryl: Please.
Larry: "Daddy, I'm not so stupid!"

The Group [1.10][edit]

[Larry has been forced to go to an incest survivor group as support for his ex-girlfriend]:
Larry: My name is Todd, and I'm an incest survivor.
Incest Survivor Group: Hi, Todd.
Larry: Hello, I had sex with my uncle when I was 12. He lived in Great Neck, he was a doctor. An osteopath--I don't even know what they do, but I know they're doctors. Something to do with muscles, I think. Neither here nor there.

Season 2[edit]

The Car Salesman [2.1][edit]

[Larry and Cheryl spot a window with the view of the beach in their new house]
Cheryl: Oh my God, is that the ocean?
Larry: Eh, you get used to that in two days.

Barbara: You know, this morning, you're gonna love this, I saw a whale breach. I've never seen that here before, it's very rare!
Larry: Can you shoot the whales from the terrace?
Barbara: What?
Larry: Because I like to have blubber for breakfast.

Customer: I heard that these SUVs, that they sometimes roll over rather easily.
Larry: Roll over? Are you kidding? Look at this thing. Look at it.
[starts rocking the SUV causing the alarm to go off]
Customer: Jesus Christ.

Dana: I notice this is a GT and the brochure says there's a model called the GTS. Now what is the difference between the GT and the GTS?
Larry: OK, the GTS is "guaranteed tremendous safety."
Dana: So, without the "S," it's just "guaranteed tremendous"?

Larry: You just cost me a customer!
Richard: I cost you a customer?! What are you, fucking Willy Loman?!

Thor [2.2][edit]

Larry: [to Wanda Sykes] Hey, I'd know that tush anywhere!

Larry: Anybody want to help a semi-retarded individual change a tire?

Wanda Sykes: Larry, you are an ass man!
Larry: I am not an ass man! I don't have an ass fetish! I am not obssessed with asses.

Susie: [Jeff] thinks I don't know about his porn stash! Take all this crap, he's gonna need it alone in the hotel!
Larry: He actually told me he doesn't want any of this stuff.
Susie: "Freak That Booty", "Big Ass Momma", all his favorites. Think I don't know about this crap?
[Larry looks at the cover of "Big Ass Momma"]
Susie: Oh, you're into this shit, too? You're into that kinky Big Ass Momma crap?
Larry: No! Are you crazy?
Susie: I thought you were a family man!
Larry: No, I thought I recognized that woman from the back.

Larry: Wrestling's fixed.
Thor's Kid 1: What do you mean?
Larry: All the matches are set up beforehand. The winners are all pre-determined. It's completely illegitimate.
Thor's Kid 2: You mean it's fake?
Larry: Exactly: Fake. That's exactly the word I'm looking for. Dad's kind of a big fake. You know what he is? He's more of an actor than a wrestler.
Thor's kid 1: Dad's an actor?
Larry: That's right. The whole thing's a big phony boloney. Everybody knows that. Nobody thinks it's real. You tell him the bald turd said hello.

Trick or Treat [2.3][edit]

Larry: I'm sorry I was late. I just couldn't decide what to wear.

Larry: It seems silly to me to put a napkin on an old pair of pants.

Larry: I think I am just going to get a Cobb Salad. I'd like to make a few substitutions, if that's OK. I'll get... no bacon. No eggs. Blue cheese on the side.
Cliff Cobb: Are you sure you want a Cobb Salad? Do you do that every time you order that salad?
Larry: Do you have a problem with it?
Cliff Cobb: It's my grandfather's salad. I'm a Cobb of Cobb Salad fame.
Larry: I think that this is a real bullshit story.

Larry: You know, my grandfather's name was Harold Bingo, and he invented the game "Bingo."

Larry: (to Shelley Cobb) You know we should have sex sometime.

Walter: (to Larry) Are you Jewish?
Larry: You wanna check my penis?

Walter: (to Larry) You know what you are, you are a self-loathing Jew.
Larry: Well I do hate myself, but it has nothing to do with being Jewish.

Trick-or-Treaters: It's Halloween, can we get some candy?
Larry: Yeah, it's Halloween but that doesn't mean you can go around to people's houses and bilk candy from them.

Larry: "Bald Asshole"? That's a hate crime. We consider ourselves to be a group.
Police Officer: I'm bald and I'm not offended.
Larry: With all due respect, Officer Berg, you are not bald. You've chosen to shave your hair and that's a look you're cultivating in order to look fashionable, but we don't really consider you part of the bald community...with all due respect.

The Shrimp Incident [2.4][edit]

[Larry checks the Chinese take out]
Larry: This isn't our food.
Cheryl: Did you check the order before you left?
Larry: Yeah, I did, but I decided to take the wrong food home. Thank you for inquiring.

Larry: How were the garlic noodles the other night?
Alan Wasserman: What?
Larry: The garlic noodles?
Alan Wasserman: I didn't touch your garlic noodles.
Larry: I didn't say you touched my garlic noodles. They were your garlic noodles.
Alan Wasserman: Right.
Larry: But you did touch the shrimp.

Larry: How could you not go in with an ace high? Oh, you cunt, what a cunt!

The Thong [2.5][edit]

Larry: So I'm really happy with my new sneakers. You know, 'cause they're gray. And, if you think about it's a good color, 'cause white is really too bright and black is like a pair of shoes. And gray is kind of like right in the middle. They look good.

Larry: I'm feeling pretty good. Pret-ty, pret-ty, pret-ty, pret-ty good.

Larry: Big family?
John: Yeah. Five brothers and sisters, you know, Irish.
Larry: You ever catch your parents having sex?
John: No...
Larry: Me either.

John: Thank you for your time and for donating the lunch. We really appreciate it.
Larry: Please, whatever you need. I'll donate anything you want. I'll donate it all. My time, my organs. What do you want? You want a kidney? I'll give you a kidney. What else do you need? I've got a terrific penis. I could donate a penis. I've got a good spleen. Excellent spleen. [sings the "Mr. Clean" commercial jingle]:"Mr. Spleen gets rid of dirt and grime and grease in just a minute. Mr. Spleen will clean your whole house and everything that's in it, Mr. Spleen."

The Acupuncturist [2.6][edit]

Larry: I don't know why you call him an asshole. He's not an asshole, he's just shy.
Cheryl: No, he's not shy. He thinks he's smarter than ever everbody else and he sits there and he judges and he--
Larry: No, he doesn't, he's just shy! You got shy/asshole confusion, my friend.
Cheryl: No, I don't think so.
Larry: Yes, I think so, my friend.

Larry: I'm just nice. You have nice/pussy confusion.

The Doll [2.7][edit]

Susie: Stop scratching your balls and tell me where it is! All right, just get me the fucking [doll] head, all right?! Get me the fucking head, all right!? Both of you, I've had it! You four-eyed fuck and you fat piece of shit! Get me the head!

Larry: Excuse me.
Amy: Yeah?
Larry: Do you work here?
Amy: No.
Larry: How come you told me to, to get rid of the water, then?
Amy: I saw you coming in with water, there's no water, it's the rules.
Larry: I don't understand how it's your concern, you don't work here.
Amy: It's the rules!
Larry: Rules?
Amy: The sign says no food or drink in the theater, I'm sure we would all like to have water.
Larry: Oh yeah, we're all dying of thirst. What are you, the hallway monitor here?
Amy: Who are you that the rules don't apply?
Larry: I'm applying the golden rule, are you?
Amy: I don't think the golden rule applies here.
Larry: If you had water, would you want me to tell you not to bring it in? I don't think so!
Amy: How about common courtesy, bud?
Larry: Oh?
Amy: A little common courtesy.
Larry: That doesn't supersede the golden rule! That's the big one.

Jeff: So, tomorrow night, you guys wanna go to dinner before part two?
Cheryl: Uhmm...
Larry: No.
Cheryl: Well, I do wanna go to part two.
Larry: No.
Jeff: You gotta go to part two! You're a part of the ABC Family!
Cheryl: Yeah, we're definitely going to part two.
Larry: Yeah, but we're not going to dinner with you though.
Cheryl: We've already made plans.
Larry: We don't have any plans, we just don't wanna go to dinner with you.

Larry: See this thing?
Tara: Uh-huh.
Larry: It's called a Swiss Army Knife.
Tara: Mm-hm.
Larry: You heard of Switzerland?
Larry: Um, yeah.
Larry: It's a country in Europe and they don't like to fight.
Tara: Huh.
Larry: They let everybody do their fighting for them while they ski and eat chocolate.

Larry: Jesus Christ! My penis is itching!
Jeff: You know what? You put that doll head down there and who knows what that hair is made out of. You've got a allergic reaction, I'm telling you.
Larry: Yeah, I think I got some kinda rash. I gotta check out my penis, I have to go to the doctor now? That's going to be a lot of fun; "Where'd you get the rash?" "Oh, I stuck a doll's head down my pants, Doctor. It feels good to me!"

Tara: Mommy, Mommy, that bald man is in the bathroom and there's something hard in his pants!

Shaq [2.8][edit]

Larry: I’ll have a vanilla…one of those vanilla bullshit things. You know, whatever you want, some vanilla bullshit latte cappa thing. Whatever you got.

Larry: This is very good, by the way. Thank you. Is this a cafe latte? What is that? Milk..
Starbucks Employee: Milk, uh...
Larry: Milk and coffee.
Starbucks Employee: Milk and coffee, yeah.
Larry: Milk and coffee! Who would've thought? Milk and coffee!
Cheryl: You know, we need to go now.
Larry: Oh my God, what a drink! It's milk and coffee mixed together! You've gotta go there! Sit down, have a doughnut! Have a bagel!

The Baptism [2.9][edit]

Larry: Grape works as a soda. Sort of as a gum. I wonder why it doesn’t work as a pie. Grape pie? There’s no grape pie.

Richard Lewis: OK, ten years ago, I was in Paris.
Larry: Forget Paris!
Richard Lewis: OK, well, you stole my outgoing message on my answering machine.
Larry: What are you crazy?
Richard Lewis: Listen, I know you're ethicial. I'm ethical. You know when people steal jokes you fuckin' hate that? I hate it when people steal my outgoing message. I came up with that message.
Larry: You don't even know what you're talking about.
Richard Lewis: You have the same answering machine outgoing message!
Larry: That's my message!
Richard Lewis: I wrote it in Paris!
Larry: You wrote it in Paris?! I wrote it seven years ago!
Richard Lewis: Bullshit! I came up with it seven and a half years ago!
Larry: Listen, who are you going to believe? An ex-alcholic? Or a person who's been lucid 24 hours a day his entire life? (Laughing)
Richard Lewis: Just please change it because it's really bothering me.
Larry: (Still laughing) What? I'm not.
Richard Lewis: Listen, people call me and they call you and they say "Oh well Larry David has the same thing on his machine." It's not Larry David's it's mine! I mean I don't have a wife, my parents are dead. You have a family!
Larry: Oh, oh. He doesn't have a wife and his parents are dead.
Richard Lewis: That's right!
Larry: (fakes crying) He doesn't have a wife and his parents are dead.
Richard Lewis: Do me a favor and change it.
Larry: (Continues fake-crying) You're right, I'll change it because you don't have a wife and your parents, your parents they're dead! They would have been 95 but they're dead!

Larry: Do you think we really needed Alaska and Hawaii? They gotta ruin everything. They ruined the continental United States. Ruined it! We have a beautiful Pacific coast, Atlantic coast, that’s the continental United States. You don’t need more states. We’re not the British Empire. Are they trying to turn us into the British Empire? And what is Puerto Rico, anyway?

Man in Airport: What's the name on here? Is it yours? No, it's mine, Chris Darga. See, now if this were yours it would say "Fucking Douchebag"!

The Massage [2.10][edit]

Season 3[edit]

Chet's Shirt [3.1][edit]

Jeff Greene: So, I've given up red meat.
Larry David: Really?
Jeff: Yup, no more red meat for me.
Larry: Good for you. How come you're doing that?
Jeff: No reason.
Larry: What do you mean "no reason"? You've gotta have a reason.
Jeff: No, no reason. What do you care?
Larry: Hey, schmuck-face, you can't just say you're giving up red meat, there has to be some motivation behind it.
Jeff: No reason.

Homeowner: Hey. Hey buddy, what's the deal?
Larry: What are you talking about?
Homeowner: Throw something in my garbage can?
Larry: I threw garbage in your garbage can.
Homeowner: Yeah, that's my garbage can.
Larry: So?
Homeowner: I'd appreciate it if you wouldn't do that.
Larry: Doesn't garbage belong in a garbage can?
Homeowner: My garbage belongs in my garbage can, your garbage belongs in your garbage can, OK?
Larry: Well what's the difference?
Homeowner: The difference?
Larry: Yeah.
Homeowner: It's mine.
Larry: The can's not full, I don't get it.
Homeowner: Next guy I see throwing garbage in there, I'm gonna kick his ass.
Larry: I'll give that message to the next guy.
Homeowner: You think I'm kiddin'?
Larry: No, I believe you. I'm gonna tell the next guy.
Homeowner: Yeah you do that.

Larry: I once invested in a whorehouse. I made a fortune on that place.

Michael York: Why are you a kebab-aphobe?

Larry: I'm a little afraid of the stick, frankly.

Cheryl David: I thought you didn't like talking to people?
Larry: I don't like talking to people I know, but strangers I have no problem with.

Larry: You can't get sweet potatoes anywhere, have you noticed that?
Cheryl: Everybody's noticed that.

Cheryl: So Barbara says she's going to have that frame ready for us next week.
Larry: Oh good, see, it paid for me to open my mouth.
Cheryl: And your dentist called and wants us over for dinner Saturday.
Larry: Dr. Blore?
Cheryl: Yeah.
Larry: Wants to have us for dinner?
Cheryl: Yeah. I thought that you'd know what that meant.
Larry: He's my dentist, why is he calling me for dinner?
Cheryl: I don't know.
Larry: What are we gonna talk about, my teeth?
Cheryl: I don't know what to say, I thought you guys talked about it.
Larry: No, I've never mentioned anything to him about getting together socially, I wouldn't mix social and professional, that's a terrible combination. Well, I'm just gonna tell him we're going out of town or something.
Cheryl: OK.
Larry: Because if we go over his house for dinner then we're gonna have to invite him someplace and if we don't invite him then he's gonna be offended, then the next time I go there there's gonna be tension, "I invited you, why didn't you invite me?" You know what I mean? We don't wanna get into that game. I'll need a new dentist soon, there's no question about it. That's the end of this dentist for all intents and purposes, I'm tellin'. ya, it's already ruined, the whole thing. Everybody's gotta get together, gotta get together, the whole world's gotta get together.

Burt Bondy: Excuse me, I don't normally do this but I know you from somewhere and I just can't place it. Burt Bondy, I think I know you from the 12:15 spin class down at the gym.
Larry: No, I've never taken a spin class, sorry.
Burt: Oh, I'm sorry.
Larry: OK.
Burt: Are you a friend of Bill W's? In the program, AA, I think I know you from there, don't I?
Larry: No, I wish you did, it sounds like a nice place to hang out.
Burt: What is your name?
Larry: Larry David.
Burt: Larry David. Burt Bondy. I know you from the waiting room, at the dentist's office, Dr. Blore's, we have the same dentist.
Larry: Oh OK, yeah. I don't actually go to him anymore.
Burt: I still see him, if I run into him I'll tell him you said hello.
Larry: You don't have to.
Burt: You don't want me to say hello?
Larry: Kind of a trite thing to say to somebody anyway, someone says hello, you know?
Burt: Yeah, I hear what you're saying. Very high level.
Larry: Yeah.
Burt: I gotta get there, that's good.

The Benadryl Brownie [3.2][edit]

Wanda: Why'd you fire the black man?
Larry: I fired the black man... because... he's the guy who set up the whole system here and it doesn't work! And he's here like... every week, I'm givin' him checks, we've got five remotes, I can't turn it on... but I know, you know, a black man can never do anything wrong, at least to get fired from a job! Black people always do everything right!
Wanda: [walks over to TV, pushes button - the TV works] You gotta turn the damn satellite on for the TV to work! See the little green light? Just gotta turn it on! Or you can fire the black man. Whatever works for you.

Club Soda and Salt [3.3][edit]

Larry: You know what? You gotta stop that grunting.
Cheryl: What are you talking about?
Larry: You grunt every shot. Every shot you hit you go "UHH! UHH!". You make this disgusting noise. You don't hear it?
Cheryl: No.
Larry: What do you mean "no"?
Cheryl: That's how I play tennis. I didn't even know I was doing it.
Larry: Well, you grunt every shot and it's really annoying, and it's throwing me off.
Cheryl: Oh! Is that why you're losing?
Larry: It sounds like pigs fucking!

Larry: Ya know, I really don't like not driving. You should've let me drive.
Cheryl: It's my car.
Larry: Well, on the way back, I'm gonna drive.
Cheryl: Why?
Larry: I don't feel I have a personality in this seat.
Cheryl: Pfft.
Larry: No, really. I feel very dull.
Cheryl: Mm-hm.
Larry: Do you want me to sing or do you want the uh, radio?
Cheryl: I think I'd rather choose the radio.
Larry: All right. [turns it on, cassette starts playing] What is this, a tape?
Cheryl: Mm-hm.
Larry: What are you doing with a tape? I thought you only...I thought you only buy CDs.
Cheryl: Um, actually a friend loaned it to me.
Larry: Who is this?
Cheryl: It's Al Green.
Larry: Who gave you this tape?
Cheryl: Brad. It's good, isn't it?
Larry: "You oughta to be with me"? Is that what he's saying?! "You oughta be with me"! That's what--that's what he's singing about?!
Cheryl: What is wrong with you?
Larry: What the--wait, Brad gives you a tape? An Al Green tape? "You oughta be with me"?

The Nanny from Hell [3.4][edit]

Larry: Fuck Huughhh! Huuuugghhh!

Martine: I remember when I let you in, you said "If there's any problems, I'll take care of it." So here I am. I'm gonna have to hold you to that 'cuz I don't have another job.
Cheryl: Oh no.
Martine: So I am homeless except I don't stink.
Cheryl: Ok.
Martine: And I..um..your home is big.

The Terrorist Attack [3.5][edit]

The Special Section [3.6][edit]

Larry: Oh its this guy he spotted me. Oh he's gonna want to do a stop and chat, don't...don't go.
Richard: (looks at watch) Oh my god I got to uh.. I got alot of shopping to do.
Larry: Oh what a fuck.
Richard: Have a blast.

The Corpse-Sniffing Dog [3.7][edit]

Larry: He's a bra-sniffing dog! He's a very good bra-sniffing dog!

Larry: I love this dog, it's not very often you get the chance to be affectionate to something german.

Krazee-Eyez Killa [3.8][edit]

Krazee-Eyez Killa (rapping): So you think you gonna cross me, and mess with my shit? Opening your fucking trap, and flapping your lip. Don't fuck with me nigga, or you gonna get dropped. I'll snap off your neck with a crackle and pop.
Larry: Whoa, I like that Rice Krispies thing! ... Crackle and pop!

Larry: I like it... I got one tiny little comment. I would lose the "motherfucker" at the end - 'cause you already said "fuck" once. You don't need two fucks.

Krazee-Eyez Killa [Knocks Loudly]:
Cheryl: "Uh, Who is it?"
Krazee-Eyez Killa Its Killa!

Krazee-Eyez Killa [showing Larry around]: OK, you see this shit here? This is the dining room.
Larry: This is where you eat.
Krazee-Eyez Killa:Yeah, you do your dining in here and shit. You got a table, a dining room table ... you got some chairs and shit, you know what I mean? [...] That's the floor, you know what I mean? It's made out of, uh, you know, floor shit ... you know what I'm saying?
Larry: Yeah, that's floor shit.
Krazee-Eyez Killa: Steps - four of those motherfuckers. They wanted three, but I was like, four's better.

Larry (to Krazee-Eyez Killa): Are you my Caucasian?

Mary, Joseph, and Larry [3.9][edit]

The Grand Opening [3.10][edit]

[the cook, with Tourette's Syndrome, yells out]FUCKHEAD SHITFACED COCKSUCKER ASSHOLE SON OF A BITCH!
[everyone in the restaurant is silent]
Larry: [thinking back in his mind] Maybe someday I'll do something good for somebody like that. [yells out] SCUM SUCKING MOTHERFUCKING WHORE!
[everyone looks at Larry]
Jeff: COCK, COCK! JIZZUM! GRANDMA! COCK! [gestures for someone else to continue]
Michael York: BUM! FUCK! TURD! FART! CUNT! PISS! SHIT! BUGGER AND BALLS!
Manager: DAMN IT! HELL! CRAP! SHIT!
Cheryl: YOU GODDAMN MOTHERFUCKING BITCH!
[Susie walks in]
Susie: Fuck you, you car wash cunt! I had a dental appointment!
[storms out]
Cheryl's dad: Fellatio, cunnilingus , french kissing! [there's a slight chuckle from the crowd which gets louder as the scene progresses] Rim job!
Jeff's mom: Crap, piss!
Chet's wife: Fucking, fucking fuck fuck!
Larry's dad: Schmuck, putz!
Richard Lewis: Pussy, pig fucker!
Cheryl's sister: Balls!
Jeff's dad: Boy cock, Girl cock, E-I-E-I-O!
[entire restaurant erupts in laughter and profanity]

Season 4[edit]

Mel's Offer [4.1][edit]

Doctor: Now, I don't know if you've ever had stitches before, but there's a slight bit of pain involved. Nothing more than, I would say, a little prick.
Larry: Um-hm. Yeah, there's definitely a prick involved.
Doctor: Uh, yes there is a prick involved.
Larry: Yeah, there's one prick involved.
Doctor: Yeah, I would say there's one prick involved.
Larry: I agree. I'm not a doctor, but I agree. There is one prick.
Doctor: Yep.

Ben's Birthday Party [4.2][edit]

Larry: I feel like an idiot holding this skewer.

The Blind Date [4.3][edit]

Cady Huffman: Larry David? Why don't you close the door?

(Larry closes the door)

Cady Huffman: We have some time before the show. I'd like to give you your 10th anniversary present.

(Cady reveals her bra, then turns into Susie and Larry gasps)

Susie: What are you doing?
Larry: Who invited you? Get the hell out of here!
Susie: Look at you, You are sick.
Larry: Where's the other one? I want the other one. Get out!
Susie: I'm the only one here, baby, and now for the rest of your life you sick four-eyed pervert fuck! You're gonna be fantasizing about me in this outfit! (laughing)

The Weatherman [4.4][edit]

[at Sol Funkhouser's dentist office, upset as Sol ruined his sleeve]
Larry: Oh, great, look he ruined the shirt, look, look at this cuff, and its flopping all over the place, look at that! whats with him?
Nurse: He's not himself right now, his uncle has Hodgkins.
Larry: Yeah, but it's the good Hodgkins.
Nurse: I didn't know there was a good Hodgkins.
Larry: I'm not saying it's a great Hodgkins, It's a good Hodgkins.

Larry: Hey Pop, do me a favor?
Nat: MMM?
Larry: Next time you use the bathroom, make sure to keep the seat down.
Nat: What are you pussy-whipped?
Larry: It's not really about her, It's about me, I pee sitting down.

Marty: Hey Lar, you ever hear of Denta Friend?
Larry: Denta Friend? No.
Marty: It's a new sonic toothbrush that would really get rid of your plaque.
Larry: What are you talking about, get rid of plaque. I don't have any plaque.
Marty: My cousin's hygienist told me you have plaque.
Larry: Your cousin's hygienist told you I have a lot of plaque?
Marty: What's the big deal? Plaque is not a serious disease.
Larry: First of all, number one I don't have any plaque...
Russian Man (with Wife/Translator): (laughing)
Larry: Number two, she shouldn't be telling you, that's a breach of patient-hygienist confidentiality.
Jeff: There is no patient-hygienist confidentiality.
Larry: You're so wrong.
Susie: It's unethical, not legally like a doctor or a lawyer, but its unethical is what he's saying.
Larry: It's totally unethical, and I don't have any plaque by the way, do i have an electric toothbrush?
Cheryl: He has an electric toothbrush.
Larry: How often do I floss?
Cheryl: At least twice a day.
Larry (talking to translator): Tell him I don't have any plaque, okay, did you tell him that?
Marty: You have plaque.
Larry: Do you wanna have a plaque contest with me Marty?
Marty: Let's have a plaque contest.
Larry: Anytime you want.
Marty: Anytime you want.
Larry: Fine, you want to?
Marty: Challenge me just like you do in golf.

Larry: ...And how about that hygienist. It's like if you go to a prostitute, and the prostitute goes around and tells everybody that you got a small penis. Not that I've ever been to a prostitute... not that I have a small penis.

Larry: Beautiful day, huh?
Weatherman: Yeah, great day for golf. Whats up?
Larry: You know I was supposed to play today.
Weatherman: Really?
Larry: Then Jeff called me last night and cancelled because of your weather report about thundershowers.
Sol: He made a mistake, so what?
Weatherman: Oh, I said it was gonna be thundershowers?
Larry: Yep.
Weatherman: Oops. (laughs).
Weatherman: Good to see you Larry.
Sol: Take care.
Larry: Yeah, oops, too bad for me, too bad for me.
Weatherman: I don't quite get your point.
Larry: Alright, weatherman, I'm gonna tell you my point. I've got a sneaking suspicion that you're predicting rain to clear the golf course for yourself.
Sol/Weatherman: (laughing)
Weatherman: Oh my god.
Sol: That's ridiculous.
Larry: Ridiculous? Ridiculous? It's happened before weatherman you know it. You know what I'm calling the weather people on this.
Weatherman: Your gonna say report me because its a nice day?
Larry: I'm gonna report you because everytime you wanna play golf you make sure its raining.
Weatherman: Larry, first of all I'm not a weatherman, I'm a meteorologist, I'd appreciate a little bit of respect Larry.
Larry: Oh, excuse me doctor.
Sol: Okay, can you guys just calm down? We're in the middle of a game of golf here, alright!
Weatherman: Larry, theres a low pressure system sitting out over the coast, the jet stream brings that into this area, the jet stream is controlled by the rotation of the Earth, you know who controls that? God!
Larry: You know what? There's a jetstream of bullshit coming out of your mouth my friend, you are busted buddy!

Jeff: Hey.
Larry (with cane): Came for my sneaker.
Jeff: What happened to you?
Larry: I fell in the toilet.
Jeff: How did you fall in the toilet?
Larry: I went to go pee and the seat was up.
Jeff: What does that have to do with you?
Larry: I pee sitting down.
Jeff: You pee sitting down?
Larry: Yeah, have you ever tried it?
Jeff: No!
Larry: It's more comfortable, when you get up during the night you don't have to turn the light on and wake up, and you get to read.
Jeff: What are you reading?
Larry: I'm reading a lot of stuff.
Jeff: What stuff?
Larry: If I pee twenty times a day, I can get through a whole New York Times for God sake!
Jeff: Twenty times?
Larry: Hey buddy, when your peeing all over your shoe, I'm learning something.
Jeff: What makes you think I'm peeing all over my shoe while your learning something?

Larry: Hey
Marty: Hey Lar.
Larry: Get this, the weatherman is a total fraud, he predicts thundershowers so nobody will show up and he can have the golf course to himself, I just came from there hes playing with your cousin.
Marty: Why do you pee sitting down?
Larry: Many reasons.
Marty: Do you crap standing up?

The 5 Wood [4.5][edit]

[Larry calls his dental hygienist after she left him a message to call her]
Larry: Get together? You and me? Really?
Dalilah the Hygienist: Am I being too forward? Because...[whispering] when you were at the office, you gave me the tongue sign.
Larry: Tongue sign? Pshh...I...I was just really trying to get cotton out my mouth. [laughs]
Larry: So I don't get it, why me?
Dalilah the Hygienist: I don't know, you remind me of my college history teacher.
Larry: Was he an avuncular, bald Jew?
[After being interrupted]
Larry: Hello?
Dalilah the Hygienist: So...where were we?

[Speaking to Jeff later on]
Larry: She calls me just out of the blue. Out the blue, it's all set up. It's all set up. For next thursday.

[Larry is heard screaming and is then seen running out of Jeff and Suzie's bathroom in his underwear]
Larry: The dog bit my penis!
[Cheryl, Jeff and Suzie are all speechless]

Dalilah the Hygienist: Hello?
Larry: Hey Dalilah, it's Larry David
Dalilah the Hygienist: [in a soft voice] Hi, Larry...
Larry: Hmm, sorry, but...I'm not gonna be able to make it tonight.
Dalilah the Hygienist: [disappointed] Why not...?
Larry: A dog bit my penis.
[Dalilah hangs up on him]

The Car Pool Lane [4.6][edit]

Counselor Condon: Could you state your name sir?
Larry: Larry David.
Counselor Condon: Mr. David, I'm Counselor Condon.
Larry: Counselor Condon, nice to meet you.
Counselor Condon: Have you ever served on a jury before?
Larry: No.
Counselor Condon: Have you ever been the victim of a serious crime?
Larry: My cousin once stole an Almond Joy from me, It was upsetting at the time but, umm...
Counselor Condon: I don't think that would be considered a serious crime. Is there any reason you can think of that you'd not be able to decide this case in a fair and impartial manner?
Larry: I don't know if I could be impartial Mr. Condon, given that the defendant is a negro.
[all look at Larry]
Larry: Problem?

The Surrogate [4.7][edit]

[at a baby shower]
Betty Dusenberry: This is from the Davids? Oh, it's a doll!
Larry: It's a mulatto! [everyone is silent] No good?
Betty Dusenberry: ..Bi-racial is what we call it usually.
Larry: Bi-racial. Huh, what do you know about that?

[Larry calls Irving to apologize for criticizing his peanut-cashew health mix]
Irving Schwimmer's machine: This is Irving Schwimmer. Please leave a message at the tone.
Larry: Hi, Mr. Schwimmer, this is Larry David. I just wanna say..
[a car hits Larry's car from behind, he looks back and yells]
You fucking asshole! What's your fucking problem you prick? Jesus!

Larry: Let me ask you a question. You've slept with a lot of white man, a lot of black man, I'm sure? Is there any discernable difference?
Wanda: What?!
Larry: Let me rephrase that! Let me rephrase that!
Wanda: Yeah, rephrase it!
Larry: Uhm, is there any discernable difference between a white man and a black man, you know..[points at his crotch and indicates "size" with his hands]
Wanda: Why would you ask me something like that, Larry?
Larry: My friend wants to know. Why? What's the big deal?
Wanda: I am NOT gonna answer that!

Wandering Bear [4.8][edit]

Wandering Bear: Hello, Cheryl.
Cheryl: Good morning, Wandering Bear.
Wandering Bear: How is your vagina?

Susie: Look, Wandering Elk or what ever the fuck your name is..

The Survivor [4.9][edit]

Survivor contestant/Colby: So here we are, in a region of Australia where out of the world's ten most deadly snakes, nine of them inhabit this region. It was harrowing. You come across a Taipan on the trail and you get bit: dead. Thirty minutes flat.
Holocaust survivor/Solly: Let me tell you, that's a very interesting story. I was in a concentration camp! You never even suffered one minute in your life compared to what I went through!
Colby: Look, I'm saying we spent 42 days trying to survive. We had very little rations, no snacks-
Solly: Snacks? What are you talking snacks? We didn't eat, sometimes for a week, for a month!
Colby: I couldn't even work out. They certainly didn't have a gym.
Solly: What? What are you-
Colby: I mean, I wore my sneakers out and the next thing you know, I've got a pair of flip-flops!
Solly: Flip-flops?!
Colby: I slept on the ground, on the dirt, ok? 118 degrees during the day, 98 at night with 98% humidity.
Solly: 45 degrees below zero!
Colby: Did you guys have a bathroom?
Solly: A bathroom?!
Colby: We didn't have one.
Solly: We had twelve people at a time, would go and shit on each other!
Colby: Well, I'm sure you guys had toilet paper.
Solly: We had newspaper.
Colby: We had mosquitoes.
Solly: Mosquitoes. You see this glass eye? Eh? Eh?
Colby: Have you even seen the show?
Solly: Did you ever see our show? It was called the Holocaust!

Opening Night [4.10][edit]

Larry: [as Max Bialystock] Assume away!

[Mel Brooks notices Larry, pretending to have O.C.D., arranging bottles and cups during a meeting]
Mel Brooks: What the hell are you doing? Looks like you're making a sand castle on the table.

Season 5[edit]

The Larry David Sandwich [5.1][edit]

[after Ted Danson and Larry decide to switch their sandwiches]
Ted: Just if anyone asks me, what's in my new sandwich?
Larry: Oh, ok, it's um, you got white fish. You know, white fish?
Ted: White fish?
Larry: White fish and sable. Uhm..
Ted: What is sable?
Larry: It's a fish.
Jeff: It's a fish like a white fish. Smoked fish.
Ted: You have two fishes in the sandwich?
Larry: But they blend very well together. They're like Siamese twins, white fish and sable.
Ted: What else is in it? No condiments?
Jeff: Cream cheese.
Larry: There's some cream cheese..it's..
Jeff: Capers.
[Larry gives Jeff a look]
Larry: There may be some capers but I'm not sure. You can always brush them off, it's not a big deal.
Jeff: Onions.
[Larry gives Jeff another look]
Ted: That sounds awful.
Larry: What are you talking about?
Ted: My sandwich is turkey, cole slaw, russian dressing. It's a classic. People come in and they order a "Ted Danson".
Larry: Yeah but you're not there. You don't go in there.
Ted: Yeah but people are used to my sandwich. All of a sudden they show up there and they're eating the "Ted Danson" sandwich, you know, all of a sudden has herring and lox..
Jeff: Capers..and onions.
Larry: Hey, shut the fuck up!

The Bowtie [5.2][edit]

Wanda: You know what's going on.
Larry: Huh?
Wanda: You have a racist dog. The dog hates black people!
Cheryl: Wanda...
Wanda: Larry, you train the dog to hate black people?
Larry: No, I didn't train it to hate black people.
Wanda: Has it barked at any white people?
Cheryl: ...No, he's...he's...
Larry: So he hasn't barked at any white people.
Wanda: Exactly. Your dog is racist.
Larry: Sheriff's racist?
Wanda: "Sheriff"? That's a perfect name for a racist dog. Where'd you get this dog: the Klan meeting or something?
Cheryl: Larry picked him out at the pound.
Larry: The pound.
Wanda: Sheriff, the fuckin' dog that eats black people. What the fuck, man? I'll tell you what, y'all stay here, pet your crazy-ass racist dog, but I am not bringing my black ass back up into this fucking "hotel" until y'all get rid of that fucking Klan dog. Gotta Klan dog! Lookin' at me like I'm a damn T-bone!

The Christ Nail [5.3][edit]

[to the handyman]
Larry: See this thing? It's a mezuzah. Got that? And I need you to put it over the door here. This is like a Jewish thing, you know, we put it over the door so every anti-Semite in the neighborhood will know that we live here in case they want to burn down the house.

Kamikaze Bingo [5.4][edit]

[to Larry everytime he walks in to Hana Sushi]
Chefs: Chicken Teriyaki Boy! Chicken Teriyaki Boy!

Lewis Needs a Kidney [5.5][edit]

Nurse: I have good news, gentlemen. Both of your blood types are compatible with Mr Lewis for his kidney transplant.
Jeff: Good night nurse.
Nurse: Good night.
Jeff: It's just a saying.
Nurse: I've never heard of it.
Jeff: It's an old one.
Nurse: That's nice.
Jeff: It is.
Nurse: I know it is.
Jeff: Do you?
Nurse: Do you?
Jeff: I do.
Nurse: Good for you.
Jeff: It is good for me.
Nurse: Oh, you think so?
Jeff: I know so.
Nurse: I'm glad.
Jeff: So am I.
Nurse: That makes two of us.
Jeff: So you say.
Nurse: So I did.

The Smoking Jacket [5.6][edit]

The Seder [5.7][edit]

Larry: I kinda invited [Rick] over to the seder, if you don't mind.
Cheryl: You did?
Larry: Yeah.
Cheryl: Aww.
Larry: I'm sorry.
Cheryl: No, that's okay.
Larry: Oh really?
Cheryl: Well, he's alone.
Larry: Oh, aren't you a doll.
Cheryl: That's cute. I'm glad you made a new friend. That's nice. I don't hear that very often from you.
Larry: Oh, and I forgot to mention, he's a sex offender.

The Ski Lift [5.8][edit]

[Larry and Ben's daughter are stuck on a ski lift right before sunset]
Ben's daughter: Somebody's gonna have to jump.
Larry: Oh, stop.
Ben's daughter: Stop what? I can't be with you here after sundown! There's no other way! Somebody's gonna have to jump! You're gonna have to jump!
[Larry looks down]
Ben's daughter: Are you gonna jump?!
Larry: What are you, fuckin' nuts?

Larry: You got the huge vagina and you're blaming it on the small penis. You know, it's not really necessary.

Larry: Oh hey, there was a Mickey Mantle ball, his 500th home run, right over there, and it's missing. Have you seen it?
Nurse: No, I have not.
Larry: Hm. It's kinda curious given that nobody has been in the house, save for a few friends. Can a ball worth an excess of $20,000 just disappear into thin air?
Nurse: You want to tell me what you're driving at?
Larry: I'll tell you what I'm driving at! I submit that you took that baseball, stashed it in your unusually large vagina, and walked right on out of here!

[Larry pretending to be Orthodox Jew to suck up to the guy in charge of organ donation]
Larry: I was in the band, ok. The girls were pretty interested, you know, with the guitar. They liked that.
Ben's daughter: Like a rock band?
Larry: Jewish folk music, Jewish folk songs.
Ben's daughter: Oh, like what songs?
Larry: Um.."Gefilte Fish Blues".."My Freakin' Back is Killin' Me and It's Making It Hard to Kvell".
Cheryl: What was the name of your band?
Larry: The Hipsters..Larry David and The Hipsters. And then, I left The Hipsters and I just became Larry David.

Larry: You know what? Nevermind, alright? I-I'll take my liver out! I'll walk around with a dialysis machine hanging out of me for the rest of my life, no problem!

The Korean Bookie [5.9][edit]

Larry: I owe you money, okay?
Song: Yes. Here we go.
Larry: [checking his wallet] Okay...unbelievable...I'm out, I don't have any cash.
Song: How come you never have cash, Larry?
Larry: I'm sorry, Song, I'm sorry.
Song: No, I see you on the-
Larry: But listen! You know what I got? I got a check from Marla made out to me for $150, I'll sign it right over to you.
Song: Okay, last time.
Larry: Last time, Song.
Song: Okay? 'Cuz I like you.
Larry: Ok, I'm sorry, Song. Sorry.
Song: I know where you live.

[Larry is wearing a huge sun hat]
Jeff: What's with the hat?
Larry: What? I'm married. I can wear whatever I want.
Jeff: It does look ridiculous. You look like you should be pulling a rickshaw of some sort.

Larry: This is unbelievable!
Jeff: I've never tasted anything like this.
Larry: What is this dish?
Caterer: Are you talking about this? It's pulgoki. The Korean florist brought it, it's delicious.
[Larry's face turns to disgust]
Larry: OHHH! OSCAR! THAT PULGOKI'S OSCAR!! YOU'RE EATING A DOG, YOU'RE EATING A DOG!!

The End [5.10][edit]

Nurse: You're giving away a kidney. The recipient is going to love you, man.
Larry: Really?
Nurse: You gonna have your own personal slave, is what it is. You could be in China and sneeze and he'll bring you a tissue.
Larry: Wow, that may be true with others, I don't think with him though. He wouldn't even loan me a putter, actually.
Nurse: You're giving him a kidney, he wouldn't loan you his putter?
Larry: Well, people get very attached to their golf clubs. It's understandable.
Nurse: You're not attached to your kidney? That's fucked up, man.

Larry: I have a system..I..I have a..

Season 6[edit]

Meet The Blacks [6.1][edit]

[at Marty's house]
Jeff: We gotta get going. My daughter is waiting for a puppet show.
Larry: My dad has a virus in bed with a fever with covers up to his head.
Susie: Your dad always has a virus.
Larry: Hey, fuck you, he doesn't always have a virus.

Larry: What do you think you're doing?! You're stealing my thing!
Richard: Stealing what thing?
Larry: Showing-up-on-the-wrong-night thing!
Richard: What, you have a fucking copyright on this?!

Larry: So your last name is "Black"?
Loretta Black: Yes.
Larry: That's like if my last name was "Jew", like Larry Jew.

Larry: We're having a big party.
Baker: Uh huh. You wanna cake?
Cheryl: Yeah, we want a chocolate layer cake.
Larry: Like the one Marty Funkhouser gets.
Baker: Oh yeah! He's actually ordered it a couple of times. I just have one that I prepared recently.
Cheryl: It was the best cake we ever had. We can't stop talking about it.
Baker: It's one of our most popular cakes..
Cheryl: I can understand why.
Baker: ..And here he is.
[puts down a cake shaped like a penis]
Larry: ...That's a penis.

Larry: Funkhouser knowingly served us penis!

Larry: How come you didn't tell us that I was eating a black penis, the other night?
Marty: You mean the cake? Well, I told you it was a black "log" cake.
Larry: Yeah, still, I was eating a black penis and you didn't mention it.
Marty: Well, eating a black penis is not appetizing to everybody.
Larry: Next time your gonna do something like that, tell me, okay? I think that's unfair.
Marty: Why did you take the balls home?
Larry: I didn't know they were balls.

Cheryl: Where've you been?
Larry: I was eating some penis.

The Anonymous Donor [6.2][edit]

Larry: What do you mean "what kind of cum"? Cum's cum.
Leon: Cum is not cum.
Larry: Cum's cum.
Leon: It couldn't have been mine, you know why? Cuz I gets mine, Larry. I brings the ruckus to the ladies.
Larry: Okay, so you're denying this, is that it?
Leon: First of all, look around this place, man. Is there any visuals here to jack off to? All we have is basic cable right? What am I gonna do, jack off to Andy Griffith?

[after getting Larry his Joe Pepitone jersey back]

Leon: Yeah, that's how I do it, baby, ha ha ha. Joe Pepitone up in this motherfucker.

The Ida Funkhouser Roadside Memorial [6.3][edit]

Larry: An employee is told that the customer's always right and, in fact, the customer is usually a moron and an asshole.

Funkhouser: If you weren't my best friend, I'd pop your head off...
Larry: He's not my best friend!

The Lefty Call [6.4][edit]

Larry: You can put my colon up next to your colon; we'll see who has a cleaner, healthier colon.
Richard Lewis: I will have a colon contest anytime you want.

The Freak Book [6.5][edit]

John McEnroe: [reading the freak book] Ah! What a freak!! Hahahaha.

The Rat Dog [6.6][edit]

Larry: You'll go in, he'll be up there, you're down here. Right? He's on top, he's asking you the questions. Then all of a sudden the interview starts, he asks you some questions, you answer some questions ... then you start asking him the questions, and you flip it. Now he's trying to impress you.
Leon: Turn that shit around on him.
Larry: Turn it around on him.
Leon: Topsy-turvy that motherfucker.

The TiVo Guy [6.7][edit]

Larry: I'm not wearing no-fly underwear.
Leon: You gotta do it. You got long balls, Larry. Long balls, you've got long ass balls.
Larry: I've got long balls?
Leon: Doctor, you said he's got long balls, right?
Larry: Would you say I have unusually long..
Doctor: They're a bit more distended than the average testicles.
Leon: You got long ass balls, Larry. "Long Ball Larry", that's your new name.
Larry: Long balls..who would've known.
Leon: Long balls, change your draws.

The N Word [6.8][edit]

Larry: [Auntie Rae] went over the appropriate amount of time that I can have human contact without getting aroused. I only have five seconds. After that, it's out of my control.
Jeff: Not me. I've got discipline down there. I have a very discerning penis—very discerning.
Larry: My penis is an animal.
Jeff: Really? Just out of control. It's wild.
Larry: It's a feral tiger, yeah.

Jeff: [just snubbed due to his baldness] This blows. How do you deal with it?
Larry: Well, you know, you just get used to it. I get support from my bald brothers.
Jeff: There's, like, meetings?

The Therapists [6.9][edit]

[Larry is annoyed, having sponsored Marty Funkhouser to take part in a walk to raise money for Alzheimer's, to find him instead sitting in a cafe]
Larry: What are you doing? You're supposed to be walking.
Marty: I raise money; I don't walk.
Larry: You didn't tell me you were sitting, I wouldn't have given you money in the first place.
Marty: I didn't say I was walking.
Larry: Well, the walking is implied, is it not?
Marty: Don't you care about Alzheimer's?

The Bat Mitzvah [6.10][edit]

Secretary: Hey, Larry, do you still have that tickling in your anus? I cannot get you an appointment for two weeks.
Larry: What?
Michael: Are you experiencing discomfort?
Larry: What is she talking about? [to secretary] What are you talking about? Where'd you get that from?
Michael: It's nothing to joke around about. Who are you trying to make an appointment with?
Secretary: Rosenberg.
Michael: Rosenberg's a good man. I got a better one. Pencil. Call this man: Doctor J. Whitney. My wife's cousin, Kai, she runs the office.
Larry: Oh, she does?
Michael: She can open all the doors, not just the back one. You know what I mean? Seriously, she can get you in today and you don't have to think about it again. Why not?
Larry: That's nice of you but there's really nothing wrong with me. I mean-why not-"I have a tickling in my anus". I don't have a tickle--[to secretary] Are you fucking crazy?! Huh?! Tickle in my anus? Where did that-why'd you say that!? I don't have a tickle! Who said that?!
Michael: I gotta go, I gotta go.
Secretary: Look, I think I gave you the wrong impression. Larry's anus is fine-
Larry: Shut the fuck up, okay?! SHUT THE FUCK UP!

Loretta: [to Susie] Who the fuck you think you talkin' to?! Nobody be talkin' to my man like that! You betta get yo ass out of this house! Fucken Bitch!

Season 7[edit]

Funkhouser's Crazy Sister [7.1][edit]

Larry: I'd rather have the thieves than the neighbors - the thieves don't impose. Thieves just want your things, neighbors want your time.

Larry: You can't make an empty gesture to a Funkhouser. They take you up on it!

Larry: Can I tell you something about apricots? ... 1 in 30 is a good one. It's such a low percentage fruit.

Vehicular Fellatio [7.2][edit]

Larry: I'm going to dinner with Jeff and Susie and Richard Lewis and his new girlfriend, if you want to come along.
Loretta: Any black people gonna be there?
Larry: No.
Loretta: Then why would I want to go?
Larry: ...Might be some people with cancer?

Larry: You're nothing without your health. Some people are nothing even with their health. I fall in that category, sometimes.

Larry: We're fighting because you're a moron. That's why we're fighting.

The Reunion [7.3][edit]

Larry: Remember I was sitting here yesterday?
Waiter: Yeah.
Larry: Do you mind telling me how much tip the guy I was with left you?
Waiter: Oh..we don't do that.
Larry: You don't do what?
Waiter: We don't share that information with the customers.
Larry: Honestly, who gives a crap? I was in here, I was with a guy, I'm just curious. What did he leave?
Waiter: It was a healthy, healthy tip.
Larry: Was mine a healthy tip?
Waiter: Yeah.
Larry: Was his healthier?
Waiter: I...
Larry: Let me ask you this question. Was it over twelve dollars?
Waiter: Do..do you want me to refill your water or..
Larry: Just scratch your face with your finger if it was over twelve dollars.
Waiter: I can really get in trouble if I talk to you about that.
Larry: Nobody even knows what we're talking about. Scratch your face with your finger if it was over twelve dollars. Go ahead, just scratch it. Was it over twelve dollars?
[waiter scratches his face]
Larry: Oh, for God's sake. What an asshole! Let me ask you a question. Was it over fifteen dollars? Just tug on your tie up here. Was it over fifteen?
Waiter: This is making me really uncomfortable.
Larry: Nobody's even knows what we're talking about! Was it over fifteen dollars? Tug on your tie.
[waiter tugs on his tie]
Larry: Oh, my fucking..fuck!

The Hot Towel [7.4][edit]

Larry: I'm not kidding, the food was awful. Terrible. Honestly, I can't believe you recommended that.
Dr. Morrison: Well, I liked the ossobuco.
Larry: Didn't taste like ossobuco to me. It was bad ossobuco.

Denise Handicapped [7.5][edit]

Larry: [in reference to the Fowler's adopted child from China] Let me ask you this question, have you noticed if she has any proclivity for chopsticks?
Jamie: Why?
John: Why would she have a proclivity for chopsticks, Larry?
Larry: Well, she's Chinese.
John: Do you think she's also a Kung Fu master?
Larry: No, all I'm wondering is this, if you took an American kid who's never used chopsticks before and a Chinese kid who's never used chopsticks before, would the Chinese kid do better?
John: So the American kid is the control group?
Jamie: Okay, you know what, she uses a fork.
Larry: Do me a favor.
Jamie: What?
Larry: First time she uses chopsticks, gimme a call me and just let me know. Gimme a call and just say "Hey, you know what? You wouldn't believe it.."

[Ted Danson orders Larry and Denise a slice of pie at a restaurant]
Ted: You're gonna love this. It is the best piece of pie you've ever had.
Larry: Honestly, you know, I'm not eating dessert anymore.
Ted: Just have one bite. Come on.
Larry: I'm not in the mood, Ted. I don't want it. Thank you, it's a nice gesture but I'm not in the mood.
Ted: You're making me look like an asshole.
Larry: I had the option of ordering dessert and I didn't want the dessert at the time so I don't want the dessert.
Ted: Just have one little bite for my sake, please.
Larry: I don't care. I don't want it for your sake.
Ted: Be a friend, be a fucking friend, will you!
Larry: I'm being a friend but I don't have to take a bite just because you want me to! Okay?
Ted: Have a bite of the pie!
Waiter: [starts to take the pie away] You know, I'm just gonna get this out of the way for you..
Larry: I don't want the pie! Thank you.
Ted: No, no. Put the pie down. Put the pie down.
Larry: No, don't. Here, take it. Thank you.
Ted: Don't pick up that pie. Put the pie down.
Larry: I'm not taking a bite, I don't want a bite! Take this fucking piece of pie and get it out of my face!
Ted: Put that fucking pie down!
Larry: Don't put that pie down! Do not put that pie down!

Susan: Jeff, let's take a walk.
Jeff: Eh, I'm comfortable.
Susan: Come on, it's gorgeous! Perfect walking weather. It's good for you.
Jeff: Nah, I don't want to. I'm not in the mood.
Susan: Please?
Jeff: No, I'm fine.
Susan: Get up off your fat ass and let's take a walk! It'll be romantic!

Leon: Denise called.
Larry: What'd she say?
Leon: Give her a call.
Larry: She leave her number?
Leon: Nah.
Larry: Damn it! I don't have her number or her address.
Leon: Call information.
Larry: I don't know her last name. She was in my BlackBerry under "Denise handicapped". That's how I remember these names. Don't you do that in your Blackberry? You put names down with jobs, some association, so you remember who they are? I got "Sean yoga", the yoga teacher, and "Teresa masseuse".
Leon: I do the same thing. I got "Nancy big tits". I know Nancy got big ass tits. "Janelle sweet ass"..

The Bare Midriff [7.6][edit]

The Black Swan [7.7][edit]

Larry: Fruit's good.
Jeff: Yeah.
Larry: Delicious, isn't it?
Marty: How can you talk about the food? I wanna throw up. We should get out of here.
Andy: Yes, let's get out of here.
Larry: Oh, that's a wonderful idea.
Marty: I want to get out of here now.
Larry: Let me explain something to you, moron, okay? Swan killers leave. People who aren't swan killers stay, have a little lunch, enjoy themselves, socialize, get to know the members. There's nothing wrong. Get it?
Marty: Guess what, I'm not a swan killer, okay?
Larry: Hey, let me remind you of something, asshole. You're talking way too loud about swan killing in the dining room. Why is that so hard to understand?
Marty: How many rules are you gonna break? You're not suppose to have your phone on, it's always ringing. You killed a swan!
Larry: Keep your fucking voice down!
Marty: You killed a swan!
Larry: [raises butter knife] Shut up! Shut up!

Andy: Why did I order turkey? I should've just had the eggs and onions. I know they're good here.
Marty: Will you do me a favor and shut up about your food.
Larry: Yeah, he's right. All you're doing is complaining about your food. I told you to get the fruit. It's delicious.
Andy: I had the fruit this morning. Why am I going to order it twice for?
Larry: You could have fruit twice in one day.
Andy: No you can't, you get the acid reflux and it'll rip a hole in your stomach.
Larry: They have non-acidic fruit. You got papaya and mango and banana!

Officer Krupke [7.8][edit]

Larry: I'm Larry David. I happen to enjoy wearing women's panties.

The Table Read [7.9][edit]

Jerry: You surprised me. I had no idea it would be that revolting.

Seinfeld [7.10][edit]

Mocha Joe: Did you get a chance to pick up those beans? I'm really low on coffee.
Larry: You know, I went, and there was a lot of traffic, and I got stuck in traffic, and by the time I got there - I went all the way over there - the store was closed so I couldn't get them.
Mocha Joe: So you didn't get the beans?
Larry: No. I didn't get the beans.
Mocha Joe: So you didn't do me the favor?
Larry: I attempted to do you the favor. I tried to do you the favor. What are you talking about?
Mocha Joe: No. An attempt is not a favor.
Larry: What? It is a favor. It is a favor. That's as good as a favor. The effort was there.
Jerry: What did you come back with, though?
Larry: The store was closed.
Jerry: Driving to a coffee place is not a favor.
Mocha Joe: Where did I bring the jumper cable? Halfway to your office, or to your office?
Jerry: Mocha Joe has nothing to show for your supposed favor.
Larry: I know.
Jerry: You have jumper cables. What does he got?
Mocha Joe: Exactly.
Jerry: He's got a guy who's got a story about traffic.
Mocha Joe: Thank you, Jerry.
Jerry: You're welcome, Mocha Joe.
Larry: Come on! I did a lot for Mocha Joe.
Jerry: Mocha Joe doesn't need people driving around for him. He needs coffee.
Larry: Whatever happened to E for effort, Jerry? E for effort? You people think about that! E for effort!
Mocha Joe: F for favor!
Jerry: C for coffee!

Season 8[edit]

The Divorce [8.1][edit]

Marty: I'm excited. I'm single.
Leon': Get out there, and get some new ass. Know what I'm saying, huh? You done ran the other ass in the ground, right?
Marty: I don't want to talk about my wife like that.
Leon: You ran that ass in the ground, and you're movin' on, right?
Marty: Well, I didn't run any—we had a nice marriage for twenty…
Leon: You ran that other ass in the ground…
Marty: I don't run people's ass in the ground.
Leon: All men do!
Larry: It's not a negative thing to run an ass in the ground.

Larry: (to Cheryl's bald lawyer) I can call you bald. It's like black people calling each other nigger. Hey, baldie.

The Safe House [8.2][edit]

Richard: If it wasn't for burlesque we wouldn't have Chaplin, or The Marx Brothers…
Marty:Oh, Chaplin was a hell of a pole dancer!

Palestinian Chicken [8.3][edit]

Larry: [Larry is talking about his attraction to a Palestinian woman at a restaurant] You know what it is? You're always attracted to someone who doesn't want you, right? Well, here you have somebody who not only doesn't want you... doesn't even acknowledge your right to exist, wants your destruction! That's a turn-on.

Marty: [Marty is meeting Larry and Jeff at the Palestinian chicken restaurant] You know, I thought all last night, 'If Rabin can break bread with Arafat, I can have chicken at this antisemitic shithole.'

Shara: [Dirty talk while having sex with Larry David] Fuck me you fucking Jew! You Zionist pig. You occupying fuck. Occupy this. I'm going to going to fuck the Jew out of you. You want to fuck me like Israel fucks my country? Fuck me you Jew bastard! Fuck me like Israel fucks my people! Show me the promised land. You circumcised fuck!

Marty: [expressing astonishment after meeting Larry David and Shara just after they had very loud sex] Fuck me Jew bastard?
Larry: Yeah. Small price to pay for the best sex that I ever had, anywhere! This woman is amazing.
Marty: So when did your orgasm. When she said she'll fuck the Jew out of you?

The Smiley Face [8.4][edit]

Vow of Silence [8.5][edit]

Matt: I am the world's fastest prep as a director. You know that?
Larry: I know that.
Matt: I once did a Silver Spoons on 48 hours.

Jeff: Seriously, how much would it take for you to see Eat, Pray, Love?
Larry: $3,000.

The Hero [8.6][edit]

Larry: So, how's your marriage?
Hank: What the hell? Why would you ask me that?
Larry: I'm trying to elevate small talk to medium talk.

The Bi-Sexual [8.7][edit]

Leon: You god damn right I'm livin large! I just had a croissant filled with mutha fuckin' champagne!

Rosie: You know how lesbians are. You know what a lesbian brings on a second date, right? A U-Haul.

Car Periscope [8.8][edit]

Jeff: Dementia has nothing to do with racism.
Larry: My grandfather had dementia. He wasn't a racist. He thought I was his dead sister, but he wasn't a racist.

Jeff: I don't like trainers—not into 'em. I don't like being told what to do.
Larry: Yeah, right. That's why you married Susie?

Mister Softee [8.9][edit]

Larry vs. Michael J. Fox [8.10][edit]

Cast[edit]

External links[edit]

Wikipedia
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