Emo Philips

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I was in a bar the other night, moving from stool to stool, trying to get lucky — but there wasn't gum under any of them.

Emo Philips (born 7 February 1956) is an American comedian famous for his eccentric appearance, surreal humor, and the bizarre cadence of his voice in the delivery of his lines.

Quotes[edit]

Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps.
  • Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps.
    • As quoted in The Fourth — And By Far The Most Recent — 637 Best Things Anybody Ever Said : Many Given Heightened Piquancy by Nineteenth-Century Line Cuts (1990) edited by Robert Byrne, 32
  • I was feeling a bit down, I went to a therapist a few times, at a hundred bucks a pop. But then I realized that no therapy session would ever cheer me up half as much as if I was just strolling along and found a hundred dollar bill.
    • As quoted in Psychology Today (July 2006)

E=MO² (1985)[edit]

  • I was in a bar a few nights ago, moving from stool to stool, trying to get lucky... But there was no gum under any of them. And I hear giggling behind me. At first I don't mind, but the giggling continues... Finally, I thought "What's so amusing?" I turn around, and these two guys, for the last, oh, half hour or so, have been throwing darts into my head. It's a good thing I heard them! I said, "Look, you bums," 'cause I was angry now, "As soon as this game is over, hit the road!" But as I left that bar, one thing stuck in my mind...
  • Always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said: "A truck!"
  • How many people here have telekinetic powers? Raise my hand.
  • I was walking down Fifth Avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: "Well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel?" And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.
  • New York's such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guy was very rude. I said, "I'd like a card." He says, "You have to prove you're a citizen of New York." So I stabbed him.
  • People come up to me... concerned... that I'll reproduce.
  • When I was a kid my parents used to tell me, "Emo, don't go near the cellar door!"
    One day when they were away, I went up to the cellar door. And I pushed it and walked through and saw strange, wonderful things, things I had never seen before, like... trees. Grass. Flowers. The sun... that was nice... the sun..
  • My parents were very protective. I couldn't even cross the street without them getting all excited, and... placing bets...
  • When I was ten, my family moved to Downers Grove, Illinois. When I was twelve, I found them.
  • You know what I hate? Indian givers... no, I take that back.
  • You know, at parties, people always ask, "Where were you when Kennedy was shot?" Well, I don't have an alibi!
  • Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, "Don't do it!"
He said, "Nobody loves me."
I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?"
He said, "Yes."
I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?"
He said, "A Christian."
I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?"
He said, "Protestant."
I said, "Me, too! What franchise?"
He said, "Baptist."
I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?"
He said, "Northern Baptist."
I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?"
He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist."
I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region."
I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?"
He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912."
I said, "Die, heretic!" And I pushed him over.
  • Voted 44th funniest joke of all time in "The 75 Funniest Jokes of All Time" in GQ magazine (June 1999)

A Fine How Ya Do[edit]

  • Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the Devil. Other than that, though, it's been a good day.
    • Opening line
  • I ran three miles today... finally I said, "Lady, take your purse."
  • People come up to me and say, "Emo, do people really come up to you?"
  • The IRS sent back my tax return saying I owed $800. I said, "If you'll remember, I fastened my return with a paper clip... which, according to your own very latest government Pentagon spending figures, will more than make up the difference."
  • Well, my brother says "hello"! So, hooray for speech therapy.
  • Ambiguity — the Devil's volleyball.

Track Two + Track Two continued[edit]

  • I always wanted a beautiful loving wife and she always wanted to be a citizen.
  • I used to be scared of pretty girls, until one confessed they're just as scared of me.
  • My girlfriend always giggles during sex. No matter what she's reading.

GQ Magazine - 75 Funniest Jokes of All Time (June 1999)[edit]

  • I caught my wife in bed with another man and I was crushed. So I said, "Get off of me, you two!"
  • I got into a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well."

The Guardian - The best God joke ever - and it's mine! (September 2005)[edit]

  • When I was a little boy, I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised, the Lord, in his wisdom, doesn't work that way. So I just stole one and asked Him to forgive me.
  • So I'm at the wailing wall, standing there like a moron, with my harpoon.
  • A Mormon told me that they don't drink coffee. I said, "A cup of coffee every day gives you wonderful benefits." He said, "Like what?" I said, "Well, it keeps you from being Mormon ..."
  • I'm not Catholic, but I gave up picking my belly button for lint.
  • When I was a kid my dad would say, "Emo, do you believe in the Lord?" I'd say, "Yes!" He'd say, "Then stand up and shout Hallelujah!" So I would ... and I'd fall out of the roller coaster.

Dr. Katz, Professional Therapist (Episode 303)[edit]

  • I like walking in the park... plucking out nose hairs. Those sleeping winos hate that.
  • People ask me how much I weigh. I tell them, 145 pounds, naked. That is, if that scale outside the drugstore is anything to go by.

External links[edit]

Wikipedia
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