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- Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps.
- As quoted in The Fourth — And By Far The Most Recent — 637 Best Things Anybody Ever Said : Many Given Heightened Piquancy by Nineteenth-Century Line Cuts (1990) edited by Robert Byrne, 32
- I was feeling a bit down, I went to a therapist a few times, at a hundred bucks a pop. But then I realized that no therapy session would ever cheer me up half as much as if I was just strolling along and found a hundred dollar bill.
- As quoted in Psychology Today (July 2006)
- "I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was... conscious. … But I love her from the hair on her head to the tag on her toes." 
- I was in a bar a few nights ago, moving from stool to stool, trying to get lucky... But there was no gum under any of them. And I hear giggling behind me. At first I don't mind, but the giggling continues... Finally, I thought "What's so amusing?" I turn around, and these two guys, for the last, oh, half hour or so, have been throwing darts into my head. It's a good thing I heard them! I said, "Look, you bums," 'cause I was angry now, "As soon as this game is over, hit the road!" But as I left that bar, one thing stuck in my mind...
- How many people here have telekinetic powers? Raise my hand.
- I was walking down Fifth Avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: "Well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel?" And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.
- New York's such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guy was very rude. I said, "I'd like a card." He says, "You have to prove you're a citizen of New York." So I stabbed him.
- People come up to me... concerned... that I'll reproduce.
- When I was a kid my parents used to tell me, "Emo, don't go near the cellar door!"
One day when they were away, I went up to the cellar door. And I pushed it and walked through and saw strange, wonderful things, things I had never seen before, like... trees. Grass. Flowers. The sun... that was nice... the sun..
- My parents were very protective. I couldn't even cross the street without them getting all excited, and... placing bets...
- When I was ten, my family moved to Downers Grove, Illinois. When I was twelve, I found them.
- You know what I hate? Indian givers... no, I take that back.
- You know, at parties, people always ask, "Where were you when Kennedy was shot?" Well, I don't have an alibi!
- Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, "Don't do it!"
- He said, "Nobody loves me."
- I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?"
- He said, "Yes."
- I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?"
- He said, "A Christian."
- I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?"
- He said, "Protestant."
- I said, "Me, too! What franchise?"
- He said, "Baptist."
- I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?"
- He said, "Northern Baptist."
- I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?"
- He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist."
- I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region."
- I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?"
- He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912."
- I said, "Die, heretic!" And I pushed him over.
- Voted 44th funniest joke of all time in "The 75 Funniest Jokes of All Time" in GQ magazine (June 1999)
A Fine How Ya Do
- Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the Devil. Other than that, though, it's been a good day.
- Opening line
- I ran three miles today... finally I said, "Lady, take your purse."
- People come up to me and say, "Emo, do people really come up to you?"
- The IRS sent back my tax return saying I owed $800. I said, "If you'll remember, I fastened my return with a paper clip... which, according to your own very latest government Pentagon spending figures, will more than make up the difference."
- Well, my brother says "hello"! So, hooray for speech therapy.
- Ambiguity — the Devil's volleyball.
Track Two + Track Two continued
- I always wanted a beautiful loving wife and she always wanted to be a citizen.
- I used to be scared of pretty girls, until one confessed they're just as scared of me.
- My girlfriend always giggles during sex. No matter what she's reading.
GQ Magazine - 75 Funniest Jokes of All Time (June 1999)
- I caught my wife in bed with another man and I was crushed. So I said, "Get off of me, you two!"
- I got into a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well."
The Guardian - The best God joke ever - and it's mine! (September 1980)
- When I was a little boy, I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised, the Lord, in his wisdom, doesn't work that way. So I just stole one and asked Him to forgive me.
- So I'm at the wailing wall, standing there like a moron, with my harpoon.
- A Mormon told me that they don't drink coffee. I said, "A cup of coffee every day gives you wonderful benefits." He said, "Like what?" I said, "Well, it keeps you from being Mormon ..."
- I'm not Catholic, but I gave up picking my belly button for lint.
- When I was a kid my dad would say, "Emo, do you believe in the Lord?" I'd say, "Yes!" He'd say, "Then stand up and shout Hallelujah!" So I would … and I'd fall out of the roller coaster.
Dr. Katz, Professional Therapist (Episode 303)
- I like walking in the park... plucking out nose hairs. Those sleeping winos hate that.
- People ask me how much I weigh. I tell them, 145 pounds, naked. That is, if that scale outside the drugstore is anything to go by.