Henny Youngman

Henry "Henny" Youngman (16 March 1906 – 24 February 1998) was a comedian and violinist famous for "one-liners", short simple jokes usually delivered rapid-fire.

Sourced

• The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
  • quoted in "Forbes‎" - Vol. 166, Page 156, de Bertie Charles Forbes - Forbes Inc., 2000

• I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
  • quoted from Lawrence J. Epstein's "The Haunted Smile: The Story of Jewish Comedians in America" (2001)

• My wife will buy anything marked down. Last year she bought an escalator.
  • quoted from Lawrence J. Epstein's "The Haunted Smile: The Story of Jewish Comedians in America" (2001)

• We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
  • quoted from Lawrence J. Epstein's "The Haunted Smile: The Story of Jewish Comedians in America" (2001)

• My wife told me the car wasn't running well. There was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was, and she told me it was in the lake.
  • quoted from Lawrence J. Epstein's "The Haunted Smile: The Story of Jewish Comedians in America" (2001)

• My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea.
  • quoted from Lawrence J. Epstein's "The Haunted Smile: The Story of Jewish Comedians in America" (2001)

• My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn't lost weight, but can she climb a tree.
  • quoted from Lawrence J. Epstein's "The Haunted Smile: The Story of Jewish Comedians in America" (2001)

• Take my wife - please!
  • Take My Wife, Please!: Henny Youngman's Giant Book of Jokes (1999) [1]