American Dad!

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American Dad! is an animated U.S. television series created by Seth MacFarlane, Mike Barker and Matt Weitzman, broadcasted since 2005.

Contents

Season 1[edit]

Pilot [1.01][edit]

Stan Smith: [picks up the phone] This is Stan Smith.
Principal Lewis: Mr. Smith, I'm afraid there's a problem with your son.
Stanley Smith: Oh, God, he's gay. This is it. This is the gay call. I've been ready for this for years. [takes out a vial and starts chugging down pills]
Principal Lewis: Uhh, no. It's just that he's gone mad with power. He evacuated the entire school and barricaded himself in my office.
Stan Smith: I see. [foam starts coming out of his mouth] Henry, antidote.

Stan Smith: Francine, you be careful when out there today; we're at terror alert orange! Which means something could go down somewhere in some way at some point in time, SO LOOK SHARP!
Hayley Smith: You know, Dad, it's great that you and your CIA buddies have made up some fun little way to keep the masses paralyzed in fear.
Stan Smith: You like shaving your armpits, Hayley? Huh? 'Cause if the terrorists take over this country, that's the first thing to go! [the toaster pops up its products and Stan quickly takes out his gun and shoots it numerous times, destroying the toaster and nearly the toast]
Hayley Smith: [staring at Stan in shock with the rest of the family] It's just toast, Dad.
Stan Smith: This time it was toast, Hayley...This time!
Francine Smith: It's okay. This one will be mine. [claims the shot-up toast]

Girl: Hey, I love your dog.
Guy: Hey, want to come back to my apartment and pet my schnauzer?
Girl: Okay.
Guy: And then we can play with this dog.

Stan Smith: [carries a gun, searching the house for an intruder] Osama? Is that you?

Roger Smith: Holy Toledo, you killed your son's dog! And don't ask me to bring him back with that E.T. finger thing because that's a giant load of crap!

Hayley Smith: Oh my God. Dad, why is Hilary Duff in our house?
Stan Smith: Hilary is here of her own free will because she wants to have dinner with Steve.
Steve Smith: Hilary, could you pass the salt?
Stan Smith: [holding gun to her head] Pass him the salt.

Stan Smith: Hilary, look out for the mines! [off-screen explosion] What did I just say? You heard me. What did I just say?
Steve Smith: You said, "Look out for the mines."
Stan Smith: I said, "Look out for the mines."

Stan Smith: Rigging elections is my bread and butter, Roger. You know how many votes George Bush actually got in the first election? Seven.

Principal Lewis: Smith! What's the meaning of this?!
Steve Smith: Principal Lewis, I am taking your office. Pursuant to Pearl Bailey High Statuette 39-F, quote, "The Student Body President can acquisition any room on school premises for the purpose of conducting school business."
Principal Lewis: You can read! The school system works! [dejectedly] I'll be back for my stuff.

Steve Smith: All periods will now be called Steves.
[shift to a classroom scene]
Boy #1: [to another boy] Hey, I'm thinking of cutting third Steve, you in?
Boy #2: Yeah, as long as I'm back by fourth Steve.
Teacher: [to class] So, if it's a statement, it should always be followed by a Steve.
Girl: Mr. Phillips, may I be excused? I'm having my Steve.

Roger Smith: By the way, Hayley, oh my God, these Chocodiles, these Chocodiles, Hayley, oh my God, these Chocodiles!

Threat Levels [1.02][edit]

Stan: What makes you think you're going to survive?
Roger: My species is immune to all human ailments.
Stan: So explain that cold sore.
Roger: Mind your own business!

Steve: I can't believe I'm gonna die a virgin.
Francine: Aw, sweetie, there was a 70-80% chance of that happening, anyway.

Hayley: Here's to Mom! She's finally cast off the shackles of domestic servitude and realized her potential as a smart, independent woman.
Stan:: Hayley, how would you like a punch in the face?

Waitress: Thank you very much, Mrs. Smith.
Stan: You paid? You said you were going to the bathroom.
Francine: I did both.
Stan: Well you can just do it all, can't you?

Steve: Toshi, you have a video camera, right?
Toshi: [subtitled] You assume this because I am Asian. You are a racist.
Steve: Wow, that's a lot of words for of course.

[Stan gets up from hot tub naked.]
Greg: Take a picture, why don't you?
Terry: I'm just being polite. It'd be rude not to look.

Stan: I could have assassinated you!
Francine: What?
Stan: Nothing.

Steve: I can't believe you muscled out your own son. You stink, Dad!
Stan: Oh, come on. What's more important? Your hopes and dreams or me making more than your mother?

Roger: Tams, I gotta go. Yeah, the boss is being a real Catch U Next Tuesday.

Francine: This is a wonderful starter home. I've been saving it for a couple just like you.
Woman: Pretty soon, we're gonna be more than a couple.
Francine: Oh, congratulations! I just thought you were fat.
Woman: We're adopting.

Stan Knows Best [1.03][edit]

(Stan is yelling at Hayley for dying her hair green and going to an Independent Party rally)
Stan: You missed family game night for that?! Go wash it out; you look like a slutty wad of money.
Hayley: No way!
Stan: [quickly reassembles, points gun at Hayley] Yes way!
Francine: Stan!
Stan: She started it!

(The morning after: Hayley wakes up to find that Stan shaved her head in her sleep)
Francine: It's okay honey, you don't look like a giant penis.

Francine: How's everyone's French toast?
Stan: Smelly and ungrateful. But this American toast is delicious!

Stan: These wigs are fashioned after the most revered Republican first ladies of our time. [pointing out the various wigs] The Barbara Bush, the Nancy Reagan, the Maria Shriver.... [looks directly at the audience] Stay tuned.
Hayley: Those are terrible!
Stan: Hey, girls your age have to go through chemo to get a wig this nice!

Stan: You get back here, Hayley! No? Well, I didn't want to had to use this, but-- Rhubarb!
Francine: "Rhubarb"?
Stan: Hmm, that's her trigger word; I had her brainwashed at five. She's supposed to kill Walter Mondale, but I guess it didn't take. [a zoned-out Steve walks by in the background with a sniper rifle]

[Steve, after tutoring a girl, tries to convince her that Roger, his "sister," is a burn victim]
Steve: I remember when my sister had her accident. Oh, did I not mention my sister, who was horrifically burned to over 98% of her body?
Kim: That's terrible!
Steve: Only her taint survived.

[Hayley, working as a bar girl at the strip club, brings a guy a beer]
Man: Hey, waitress! Bring me another beer.
Hayley: But I just brought you one.
Man: Yeah, this one's to drown my crabs. [pours beer down his pants]

Stan: How could you let Hayley do this?!
Jeff: Do what?
Stan: Don't play dumb! You know she's stripping. Showing people her Ho Hos, her Ding Dongs, her Suzie Q's, her...her...uh...aw, God, what...what are those called...? Those little, uh... pink with coconut...? They're really good....
Jeff: Her Sno-Balls?
Stan: You bastard!

Stan: [fighting a stripper in a Bo-Peep outfit] Hey Bo-Peep, I know where you can find your sheep, in hell!

Francine's Flashback [1.04][edit]

Stan: This midnight fishing is great.
Avery: Sounds to me like someone doesn't want to go home.
Stan: Yeah, I'm laying low. Today is the anniversary of a huge fight me and Francine got into last year.
Stan's coworker: Yeah? What about?
Stan: Oh, I forgot our anniversary. [his coworkers look at him in realisation] I'm never gonna do that again!
Coworker: I...
[Avery silences him. Stan takes a swig of his beer and sighs contentedly. He takes another drink... And then the penny drops]
Stan: [screams]
Avery: There it is!

Bullock: Reverse memory erasing? Now that would be science fiction.

Hayley: My mother stole my boyfriend!
Stan: Your boyfriend stole my wife! Let's get back at them by dating each other!
[pause]
Stan: Wait a minute. Daddy didn't think that through.

Stan: [talking about euthanising a racoon] She said it was the most compassionate thing she'd ever seen.... And I got to kill something. It was a magical moment.

Bill Pullman: Has your loved one's memory been irretrievably lost? Hi. I'm forgettable actor Bill Pullman. You might not remember me from such movies as "While You Were Sleeping" and "Twister". Wait, was I in "Twister"? No, no that was Bill Paxton. See? Memory can be pretty tricky. So that's why if you tell your loved one what's happened to them, their brain will implode. Good luck. I'm Bill Pullman. Oh, oh, I was also in Independence D... [TV turns off]
Stan: Jeff Daniels is right.

Roger: [after spraying Mace in the face of an ugly girl screaming and falling down on the floor] I know, I know, bad for the ozone

Roger: [after knocking out two girls with a frying pan] Did you see where they went?
Steve: Who?
Roger: The black guys who did this.

Roger Codger [1.05][edit]

Stan: [after electrocuting terrorists] I just made a killing in the shock market!

Roger: [after being thought dead and being thrown in a dumpster] Can't a guy go into a stress induced hibernation without getting thrown in the trash?

Old lady: [spitting at the Lincoln Memorial] That's for freein' the slaves, ya Negro-lovin' Yankee Devil!
Roger: [gritting his teeth] And suddenly, things turned ugly.

Klaus: Now here's your allowance: five bubbles. [blows five bubbles] Ah, what the hell--six bubbles. [blows another bubble and whispers] Don't tell your mother.

Stan: [gets in the passenger side of a car] Stan Smith, CIA! To the Smithsonian! Oh wait, this my car. [shifts over to the driver's side] Even better!

Stan: Nobody threatens my family. Now, get out of the way or I'll shoot you all.
Hayley: Oh, God, it's my junior prom all over again.

Roger: Hey, Hayley, got a minute?
Hayley: Roger? You're alive? Or is this like an episode of the Twilight Zone where I talk to you from beyond the grave but only with terrible ironic results?
Roger: Oh, thats's right, it's past noon, you're already high. Let me talk to the fish.

Stan: [after Steve calls him a monster] I'm not a monster. [a skull pops out of the boiler. Stan kicks it back in.]

Francine: Hayley, why don't you say grace?
Hayley: I'll pass.
Steve: Come on, you pray all the time when Jeff comes over. "Oh God! Oh God!"
Stan: [clearly not understanding or ignoring the innuendo] Yes, yes, she's very devout.

Homeland Insecurity [1.06][edit]

Stan: [after his car runs out of gas] Stupid gas-guzzler--that I as an American have every right to drive.

Stan: So, what part of Islam do you hail from?
Bob: Well, my parents were from Iran, but I was born in Cleveland.
Stan: Really? You know, we also have a Cleveland here in America. And it'd be just super if you didn't blow it up.

Francine: It's potluck, so bring whatever you want.
Stan: But not smallpox. Ha, kidding. Kinda joking but not really!

Stan: Well, if you're ever taken hostage by, say, a neighbor, and you end up on Al Jazeera, just blink your coordinates in Morse code, like this [blinks quickly as an example] and I'll have a bomb dropped on your location.
Steve: But then I'd be dead.
Stan: Oh, c'mon, sport, there are plenty of kids in heaven to play with. Your cousin Billy. That little girl from Poltergeist....Well she must be at least sixteen by now. You could totally hit that!

Francine: I was finally making friends, Stan. How could you ruin my party?
Stan: It was easy. I just yelled "Terrorists!" and everyone ran away.
[Francine frowns at him]
Stan: Oh, I'm sorry. I thought you asked how did I ruin your party. And I'm, like, "You were there, baby. You had a front-row seat."

[Francine is pointing a gun at Stan to get him to release their neighborhood from their backyard]
Francine: Let 'em go, Stan! It's been a fun ride, but it's over!
Stan: Oh, not this old bit. You point a gun at me, I pretend I'm gonna do what you say, then I pull out my gun, we do our little John Woo standoff, inevitably your arm gets tired [Francine's arm starts to shake], then you drop your gun and we have nobody-got-shot sex. [she drops the gun, groans in agitation and leaves the room] Wh-where are you--Francine! W-well, why did you pull a gun on me if you didn't want to have sex?!

Deacon Stan, Jesus Man [1.07][edit]

Klaus: Why so sensitive all of a sudden?
Roger: I'm going through my reproductive cycle. It's complicated. I'll draw you a diagram. Every six years, my gIaxins shoot up into my fompairs, causing me to lactate a viscous milky mucus. (milks his breasts)
Klaus: Ugh! Your insides sicken me! I'll be in mein crapper. [sigh] I'm always in mein crapper.

[after Klaus reveals that Roger ate all of Francine's potato salad.]
Roger: You set me up, Klaus! Why would you do something so awful?
Klaus: I'm German. It's what we do.

Roger [after Klaus reveals Roger's secret to producing more milk]: Why, Klaus? Why?!
Klaus: Ja. Still German.

[after Karl Rove is seated at the kitchen table]
Hayley: Wait, I know you! You're the amoral puppet master behind George W. Bush!
Karl Rove: Thank you.

Stan: There is one person I would like to thank... [Francine stands up] Karl Rove! [wolf howls while Francine looks down in disappointment] Karl, come up here.
[Karl moves into the church doorway and he begins to emit smoke, screaming in pain. He then stands back.]
Karl: I'm good here. My work is done! [transforms into a swarm of bats and flies off]

Francine: [to Stan] You don't care about being deacon! You just wanna beat Chuck White. Why do you hate him so much?
Stan: Look at his life, Francine. He's got a bigger paycheck, a better wife, better kids...
Francine: Stan, that's incredibly hurtful!
Stan: I know! That's why I really wanna shove it in his face this time!

[Roger explaining the "secret ingredient" in Francine's potato salad]
Roger: Last night I ate all your potato salad, and I tried to make more but there was no mayo, so instead I used... [to Francine] Well, pull my finger.
[Francine does so. Roger's milk squirts out of his breasts. Francine, Heyley and Steve vomit in disgust]
Roger: Mystery solved.
Stan: I don't get it. So what's the secret ingredient?

Steve: What am I gonna do?!
Hayley: Whatever you want. You know, a pregnant boy still has the right to choose.
Stan: Not in this house he doesn't. We're conservatives! And the one way we don't like to kill things is that way!

Steve: [after holding hands with Betsy] I touched her hand... her hand touched her boob. By the transitive property, I got some boob! Algebra's awesome!

Francine: We can bring chips and dip to the wake.
Stan: Chips and dip? Tell you what, Francine. Why don't you just take this broom here, [hands her a broom] I'll bend over and grab my ankles, [does so] you lube up the handle real good, and just sweep me out the door. Cos that's what'll happen to my chances at deacon if the best we can do is chips and dip!
Francine: I can make potato salad.
Stan: Potato salad? Not exactly adventurous, but it gets the job done. [about to leave the room, then stops] That reminds me. We should have sex tonight.

Christie White: We'll call you in Aunt Janet's farm in Iowa once you get settled.
Betsy White: So does this mean I don't have to do gymnastics any more?
Christie White: Of course it does!
Chuck White: You should have thought of that before doing the splits all over town! Ha Ha!

Stan: [abdicating his position as Deacon] It's an bizarre situation. Not 8 Simple Rules, let's-keep-it-going-after-the-father-died bizarre, but close.

[last lines]
Stan: So, what if Chuck White is deacon now? So what if he has a bigger paycheck and a bigger car and a nicer house? None of that matters, because I've got-- [looks at Steve, smiles, then looks at Hayley. Does a face and points at her; unfazed at Steve, and looks at his plate. Peers at Steve at depressed state, looks at his plate once more.]

Stan: Son, you're keeping your alien baby.
Steve: Thanks, dad.
Mexican Doctor: Did you say "alien baby"?
Stan: No, I said "Doctor's corpse found in desert".
Mexican Doctor: Oh, right. Right.

Bullocks to Stan [1.08][edit]

Francine: It's just a CIA carnival. Why are we folding napkins?
Stan: Because they'll be food and my boss likes to wipe his mouth on swans. [Roger places a human-folded napkin with a ball-like attached to its foot] What the hell is this?
Roger: Metrosexual soccer icon David Beckham. I can't do swans, I dunno why.

Hayley: I know it's crazy, but I like him. He challenges me, and besides, he has a really huge--
Stan: Penis! I mean, Hayley. Dammit! I was trying to cut you off before you said--
Hayley: I was going to say heart but, well, you shined his shoes.

Francine: I may be blonde with great cans, but I'm pretty smart when I've had my eight hours.

[Hayley and Jeff are on the hike]
Hayley: Look, Jeff, I have bad news. This is a break-up hike.
Jeff: What? But-but we're so good together.
Hayley: No, we're not. You never challenge me. You just always agree with me.
Jeff: You're right. I so do that.

Stan: I got the promotion, Francine!
Francine: Yes, but you lost my respect. You're not the man I married.
Stan: And you're not the man I married!
Francine: That doesn't make any sense.
Stan: It doesn't have to. I got a promotion!

[Steve is calling India]
Steve: Hello, India? Yeah, it's Pakistan. You know that nuclear peace treaty you sent over? Well, listen to this. [starts rubbing the phone receiver against his shoulder] Yeah, that's me wiping my butt with it. Oh, it is on. Meet me at the border at three o'clock.
[Roger takes the receiver from him]
Roger: Oh, and FYI, I'm punching a cow right now. [hangs up] That'll drive them crazy.

[Jeff is standing drunk in front of the Smith house]
Jeff: Hayley! Hayley! [Hayley shows up]
Hayley: What do you want, Jeff?
Jeff: I've been drinking all night so I could get up the courage to tell you you're my woman. And I demand you come back.
Hayley: No.
Jeff: Okay. Bye.

Jeff: Quick! Pretend you don't know me!
Waitress: I don't know you!
Jeff: Oh, I'm sorry. Jeff Fischer.

A Smith in the Hand [1.09][edit]

Stan: It's clear what must be done. We have to burn the school to the ground!
Francine: Stan!
Stan: Fine, fine. We'll talk to the principal. [Francine walks off. He takes out a lighter] Soon, my pet. Soon I will feed you the world.

Steve: I don't think Dad likes having me around anymore.
Francine: Aw... Now why would you say that?
Steve: Because I woke up this morning in the car, fully dressed.
Francine: Steve, your father got hurt in a very tender place. He's probably frustrated he can't go to work, or mow the lawn, or clean the gutters. Boy, it's been a while since he's cleaned the gutters.
Steve: Hey, maybe until Dad get better, I can clean the gutters.
Francine: That's creepy, honey.

[Stan and Francine are making out on the kitchen table. Steve walks in. Stan jumps off the table immediately while Francine is still laying on it]
Stan: Steve!
Steve: Is this a bad time?
Stan: No, no. I was just buffing the table with your mother. [starts doing so]

[Steve enters the bathroom, where Stan is about to "heal" himself]
Steve: Dad! There you are!
Stan: Of-Of course I'm here. Wh-Where would I be? Alone? Touching myself?
Steve: Yeah, right. Only perverts and Democrats do that.

Dr. Heisler: Your breasts are fine. It would be unethical for me to recommend anything larger. But may I suggest a third breast?
Francine: I don't think--
Dr. Heisler: Okay, how about two in the back? Or I can combine these two into one fantastic super-boob!
Francine: Can I just get a little Botox?
Dr. Heisler: [disappointed] No one ever wants the super-boob.

Stan: [bending antennas on TV in anger] Murderer! You killed my son!
Steve: I'm still alive, Dad.
Stan: Yes, but you're dead inside.

Steve: So you're saying I should never, ever have sex before marriage?
Stan: That's right. Or angels will kill you.

All About Steve [1.10][edit]

Snot: I've never been to a baseball game before.
Stan: Yeah well, wait till you hear who pulled some strings to get us into the Yankee locker room.
Barry: You?
Stan: I SAID WAIT PORK CHOP!! Whoa-whoa! Where'd that come from? Uh, yes Steve's friend, it was me.

Hayley: [to Roger] I promise I'll help you find a safe way to socialize with humans.
Roger: That'd be great, Hayley. I feel so cooped up in this place. It's like a prison, except without the thrill of a daily cavity search. [pauses] Did I say thrill? I meant fear.

[Stan is at the dentist]
Dentist: Mr. Smith, you're what we call in the business a Class A grinder. Now, I'm not talking about the sandwich grinder or the organ grinder you may find locked in sweaty coitus with your father one fateful afternoon in Rome. No, you're a Class A grinder, meaning that you grind your teeth so fervently that you need braces.
Stan: Braces? You've got to be kidding!
Dentist: I only wish, Mr. Smith. And I only wish I had never known the sickly sweet scent of my father's love with that filthy fat gypsy. And that I could have mustered something other than "Papa, no!" before that shrieking monkey drove me from the room. But you're a grinder, and you're getting braces.
Stan: But I've already had braces, doctor! I've paid my dues!
[The last line triggers a flashback of his father and the monkey, which apparently traumatizes the Dentist to the point of becoming emotionless.]
Dentist: [grimly] Do we ever pay our dues, Mr. Smith?

'[Stan finds Roger in the bathroom beaten, shaking and drinking coffee.]
Roger: I got beat up by a taco!

Con Heir [1.11][edit]

[after Steve tells his friends that he was making out with a chick that is 80]
Snot: Dude, she's got wrinkles!
Steve: So do raisins. But those taste pretty sweet.

Francine: You have a stable job, and adoring wife, and a family that loves you. That makes you the richest man in the world.
Stan: Oh, oh, that's fantastic, Francine. I'm the richest man in the world. [picks up the phone] Hello, Bill Gates? Turns out I'm the richest guy in the world, because I have an adoring wife and a loving family.
Francine: Oh, Stan, please.
Stan: Oh, hang on. That's the other line. Hello, UNICEF? Yes, I'd like to donate some of my immense riches. What's that? Children are still starving in Africa because wife love is worthless to you? What an odd policy!
Francine: Okay, I get it!

[Stan and Jack are about to break in to the vault of National Gallery of Art]
Jack: Son, breaking into a vault is like making love to a woman.
Stan: Right. So we should pound on it for, like, two minutes?

[Roger and Hayley talking about Jack in Hayley's room]
Roger: Jack is so wonderful. How many push-ups do you think he can do? 'Cause I think he can do hundred.
Hayley: Roger, do you have a boy crush on my grandfather?
Roger: No, of course not! Why? Did he say something about me?

Stan of Arabia: Part 1 [1.12][edit]

Stan: Michael Moore? Oh, you mean Michael bin Laden!

Stan: So you know that Bullock claims to know everything. Well he didn't know his mother had cancer untill it was too late to operate.
Public: *shocked* OH!
Stan: Hahahahaha...

Stan: All right, everyone stay calm. We may be in Saudi Arabia, but it doesn't mean we have to panic or blame your mother.

Steve: How come all the women are dressed like ninjas?
Hayley: They're wearing abayas. Saudi women aren't objectified like women in Western cultures. The beauty myth doesn't exist here.
Stan: It doesn't exist in Idaho either. Why wouldn't we go there? Talk about a bunch of dogs.

Roger:[after getting out of Francine's suitcase] Guess you forgot to unpack me on the ride over here, huh? Well, good thing I dropped a deuce in your nylons! I need a drink; where's the booze in this place?
Hayley: There is no booze. Saudi Arabia is a dry country.
Roger: [Staring at her] Seriously, where's the booze?

Stan: I'm find us a satellite so we can watch Lost when I get home. Just because we're stuck in this wasteland doesn't mean it's not Wednesday!

Francine: Honey, maybe you and Rashad would like to go play.
Steve: Mom, he's like eight years old. I'm not a little kid anymore. My childhood died on July 18 2003. The day Kobe Bean Bryant was charged with sexual assault.
Francine: Steve-
Steve: Why was he even in Colorado in the first place? Black man don't go to Colorado.

[Hayley notices that Jeff is eating corn-dog in the movie theater]
Hayley: Jeff, that's a corn-dog! We're vegetarian!
Jeff: Still?

Roger: Does this furniture polish have alcohol in it? [drinks bottle] Hmm, tastes like I might die.

Stan: Oh, I invited the fellows over for a feast after work so I figured you could whip something up. Or as they say in this country, [clap clap]
Francine: Forget it! You may have me locked up in this house but I control what I do in it. Or as they say in my country, [finger snaps]

Francine: [landing on the ground after being punched by Thundercat] You wanna dance, bitch? Let's dance!

Stan: Quick!, cover your mouth. Thats how they enter your body to lay their eggs

Stan of Arabia: Part 2 [1.13][edit]

Steve: Can I see your boobs?
Jolie/God: I must warn you. Those who've stared into the bosom of eternal wisdom have been driven hopelessly insane.
Steve: Wow. Now I have to see them!

[Stan and Francine in the market]
Stan: Saudi Arabia is the greatest country in the world!
Francine: Greatest country in the world?
[singing]
We packed our bags we hopped a plane, we left our happy home.
Stan: Uh, Francine, singing is kinda illegal here...
Francine:
The culture seemed a bit insane, but you said "Hey, when in Rome..."
Stan: Uh, seriously Francine ix-nay on the inging-say..
Francine:
Maybe you've got no reason to complain...
But I've got no Y chromosome.
[speaking]
So here's what I don't like about Saudi Arabia. Hit it!
You can't go out unless you are escorted by a man.
And when you do you come home with a butt crack full of sand.
No alcohol, no rum and cokes, and no Dom Perignon.
At least a girl can have a smoke.
Man: But not on Ramadan.
Oh it's a land of joy, if you are a boy.
But if you are a girl, it's the worst place in the world.
Stan: Ok Francine, we get it.
Francine: Oh but I'm just getting started.
American girls, we do pilates.
Starve ourselves until we're hotties.
Why? Because we like our bodies!
Check me out, you uptight Saudis!
[Francine strips down to lingere and boots]
Oh it's so awfully grand.
Stan: Come on Francine, stop singing.
Francine: If you are a man.
Stan: I'm only back-up singing.
Francine: If you don't take me home soon Stan I think I'm gonna hurl...
It's the worst place in the world.
Stan: I started this point system and she's way behind.
Francine: I only want to see the world, explore, and socialize.
But in this town I can't so much as look at other guys!
Cause if I did they'd call me harlot, whore, adulteress.
I'd bet my last riyal you fellas won't approve of this!
Who wants a kiss?

[Francine kisses all the men in the market]

It's great if you're from Mars, but not if you're from Venus.
If you want to drive a car, you'd better have a penis.
So if you've got a vagina...
Man: Ohhh!
A vulva..
Man: Eeee!
A clitoris...
Man: What is a clitoris?
And a labia...
You see where I'm going with this.
Stay the hell away from Saudi Arabia!

[US airport, Stan kisses the ground]
Hayley: Gee Dad, 24 hours ago you hated America.
Stan: Oh ha ha ha, shut the hell up Hayley.
But you know, I will admit America has its flaws.
Steve: Really Dad, like what?
[sings]
Stan: Well there's...
Free speech, and there's gun control, and lousy Democrats.
The media's too liberal and everyone's too fat.
The women have careers and form opinions of their own.
We let our wives control our lives...
Francine: Damn it's good to be home!
[family singing]
Our life's not always great, in these United States.
But remember boys and girls...
It's not the worst place in the world!
Steve: It's not the worst place in the world, yeah yeah.
Roger: Oh, and uh, what happens in Saudi Arabia, stays in Saudi Arabia. Ok, seriously.

Francine: [on the phone] Deputy Director Bullock, will you please offer Stan his job back?
Bullock: Francine, what a surprise. I already offered Stan his job back. He said, "No." [hangs up]
[Francine screams loudly and Klaus' fish bowl breaks]
Klaus: Your family may have moved to Saudi Arabia, but I'm the real fish out of water! [laughs, then suddenly stopping] Seriously, I'm dying.

[God in the form of Angelina Jolie is talking to Steve]
Jolie/God: You know, Steve, you'll be all grown up before you know it. So in the meantime, why not enjoy being a kid a little longer? Because it doesn't last forever.
[Pause]
Steve: Hey, can I see your boobs?

[At the court in Saudi Arabia]
Judge: I'm sorry, counselor. What did you say your name is?
Rosenblatt: Irv Rosenblatt.
Judge: [bangs gavel] Guilty!
Rosenblatt: Every single case! Oy! This is a tough town.

Stan: Oh, God, we're all going to die... and our lives meant nothing, absolutely nothing! L- I mean, uh, something comforting.

[Cell Phone Ringing]
Judge: That's me. Sorry. Hang on. Yello. Oh, hello, sir. What? But they're infidels. Fine. Great. (gets off the phone) Rock blocked. You're free to go.

Stan: What do you think happened?
[cut to palace, where it's revealed that Roger's husband made the call]
Husband: Okay, beast with two backs. Now. (drops his trousers)
Roger: Oh, that's what all the fuss is about? Oh, yeah, okay. No problem.

Stannie Get Your Gun [1.14][edit]

Stan: Pen-gun, mightier than the sword.
Stan: [holding sword, blade folds to reveal a barrel] Sword-gun, mightier than the pen-gun.

Roger: [talking to his cookie] Shush...don't speak. I'll go get some milk for your bath

[after Roger successfully tricks Steve into thinking that Stan and Francine kidnapped him as a toddler due to Steve eating Roger's cookie]
Stan: Hey, son!
Steve: Don't "son" me, baby-snatcher! [pushes a bookcase onto Stan's wheelchair-ridden body]
Stan: [after a pause, apparently not upset at his son] Something on your mind, champ?
Hayley: Steve! What are you doing?
Steve: [suavely] Something we've wanted to do for years, "sis". [he proceeds to french-kiss her for five seconds while she struggles to get away to no avail]
Roger: [in shock of what he just witnessed] Oh. My. God. [now with a smile on his face] Everything that happens from this point on is just gravy.

Francine: Look at you two. Who would've thought guns would bring you so close together?
Stan: I know. If only we could get some guns to the Middle East.

Stan: This is great! We've gotta go back on tour and spread the word. Guns are good!
Hayley: What?!
Stan: Without guns I'd still be in a wheelchair. Guns heal the sick!

Star Trek [1.15][edit]

Steve: Funny, I always wanted a pool filled with cherry Jell-O. Well, in the end I got it. I got a lot of other things on my rise to stardom. Women... respect... that joke about the ten-inch pianist... Can't believe I never got that before.

Steve: So now I was a published writer, but my life had become boring, as boring as a bad metaphor. Or simile. Whatever, I'm not a writer.

Francine: Any letters for me?
Stan: No, just another postcard saying that your hair looks like crap - hey, it's from me!

Stan: Francine, when I look at your hair I doubt I could eat the amount I wanna vomit.

Not Particularly Desperate Housewife [1.16][edit]

Francine: Wow! For housewives, those Ladybugs really have it all: a fast-lane life and a slow-motion walk.
Linda: Ugh. They're snobs, Francine. A girl would have to be pretty desperate to wanna associate-
Francine: Christie! [approaches to Ladybugs] Remember me? Francine. Oh, how I wish I could peel off your skin, put it on and be you. [pauses] I mean, hi.

[Hayley enters her room, where Steve and Klaus are reading her diary]
Hayley: What are you doing?
Klaus: Hayley, good. You're here. I caught Steve red-handed.
Steve: Why, you- [to Hayley] Look, I'm just reaching out to you. Is it so wrong for me to want to get to know my own sister? [mocking voice] And to read about you giving Coach Schwartz a Rod Carew in the Taco King parking lot?

[Francine tries to convince Stan to keep Fussy the dog, but Stan refuses]
Stan: Forget it, Francine! We've already got something girly and annoying in this house. It's called Roger.

Francine: Stan, help me. I've been faking an affair to impress the Ladybugs, and they found out I was lying, and now they're trying to kill me!
Stan: A cult of murderous housewives. Before 9/11, I wouldn't have believed it. Or at least I'd ask you some follow-up questions. But that's just not the world we live in anymore.

[Stan is about to punch Roger, and Roger accidentally hits Stan in the crotch. Stan groans and falls on his knees]
Roger: Oh, God, I forgot. That's where you humans keep your boys. I'm so, so sorry. Here, let me help. [punches him in the crotch again] Don't be startin' what you can't finish, bitch.

Klaus: There was a very famous Jewish girl who kept a diary. It... ended badly. But enough about Fran Drescher! [laughs] You thought I was making a Holocaust joke! [angrily] Shame on you!

Francine: Hey, Linda. Wanna go to that art auction?
Linda: We can't. It's our biweekly puzzle night. We are this close to finishing that covered bridge.
Francine: But wouldn't it be fun to mix it up a little?
Linda: You're right. Let's do the rest of the puzzle without looking at the box! Flying blind! Whoo!

[Roger sits at the dinner table with a cigarette in his mouth]
Stan: Damn it, Roger! I've told you a million times: No smoking in the house!
Roger: And I told you it's menthol. So it's healthier than an apple.

Rough Trade [1.17][edit]

Stan: Are you drunk?
Roger: Working on it.

Klaus: If that were a real Wish Bowl, it would be in the Ferrari of a 600-year-old Incan on the way to his job as Jessica Alba's G-string.

[Stan and Klaus are at home, watching The $100,000 Pyramid]
Stan: This is what Roger does? He just sits here and watches this crap all day? What am I missing?
Klaus: An elevated blood-alcohol content.
[later, Stan is watching TV drunk]
Stan: Things you eat! Things that are fruit! Oh, oh, oh, things you peel! Ah, I'm halfway up the pyramid!
Klaus: You're watching The Price Is Right.
Stan: Shut up, Hayley. Oh, oh, oh, things that wear pants!

Stan: [alone in the attic] Things that are getting fat. Things that might be wrong, and Roger might be right. Things that should buck up! Things that will be proven right in the end! Aw, things that are just kidding themselves. Things that are useless. Things that are getting soft! Things that are stupid, dumb stupid-heads! Things that miss being needed. Things that need more wine to make the pain go away! [crying]

[Francine runs after Stan, trips over the mop and goes face first into the doorknob giving her a black eye]:
[Two cops come up to her]:
Francine: I deserved it for leaving the mop out.

Finances With Wolves [1.18][edit]

Stan: Francine, this is unacceptable! [stomps rocket boot, flies into Brad's Cactus Shack's left window] Aahhh! (crick!) Aahhh! (splash!) Aahhh!

Stan: Dammit! I have to stop Klaus! [stomp] Aagh!
Greg: Well, another successful trip to Brad's Cactus Shack.
Terry: Oh, can't you believe they were just giving away free razor blades?
Greg: I'll turn on our new lemon juice waterfall.
Stan: Ah! Ooh! Aahhh!

Stan: I have to kill Klaus before he steals Francine, there's no time to loose!
Valet: That'll be three dollars.
Stan: What? That's a total rip, I'll park it myself.
···
Stan: Grrr!
···
Stan: All I have is a five.
Valet: Sorry, I don't have change.
Stan: Oh forget it, I'll park it myself!
···
Stan: Uh-uh-uh-eraaaaaaggh!!

Klaus: [closing lines, after he is reverted back into a goldfish] I guess it's true what they say; once you're black, there's no going back.

Stan: [Reading the instructions, trying to make Mac&Cheese] Hmm... "Boil water." What am I, a chemist?

Steve: [Talking To Barry] You gonna use your diaper? Kinda floating over here.
Barry: Sure let me just [Screams] Sorry ocupodo.

It's Good to Be Queen [1.19][edit]

Guy #1: It's all set, right?
Guy #2: It's gonna be just like in Carrie. [pulls rope; several squealing pigs fall on Stan]
Guy #1: Pigs? It was supposed to be pig's blood.
Guy #2: I didn't finish the book.
Guy #1: You stopped reading after the word "pigs"? That wasn't even the end of the sentence.

Roger: Hey, with this mortar launcher, we can get back at the kid who went all Tom Sizemore on your eye!
Steve: Oh, I wish I could get back at him. I'm gonna dress up as a girl and get him to have sex with me and then say "Ha! I'm not a girl! You just had sex with a boy that hates you!"
Roger: Yes, let's leave that plan between you, me, and the string of therapists who won't be able to help you.

Mitch: A car is simply a means of transporting pizzas. Thankfully the pizzas survived for they contain the dough... of life.

Roger: [sarcastically as he goes on a delivery with Mitch] Oh, this is gonna be life changing.
[cut to Roger and Mitch exiting the house; this time]
Roger: [wide-eyed] That was totally life changing!

[Klaus, Hayley and Jeff are sitting around stoned, after having eaten marijuana brownies]
Klaus: They say if you play it backwards ... you can hear the voice of a dead kid.
Hayley: Wow ... wait, how do you play Monopoly backwards?
[The doorbell rings; loud knocking is heard.]
Klaus: Oh mein Gott! Oh mein Gott!
Hayley: Klaus, cool it! You're freaking out!
Klaus: It's the cops! Quick, flush me down the toilet!

Roger 'n Me [1.20][edit]

Dr. Gupta: When you ran over your wife - twice - it caused her brain to detach from her central nervous system. She's what we, in the medical profession, call "a husk."
Roger: I've heard of that.
Dr. Gupta: We can reattach her brain, but it's an experimental prodecure your insurance won't cover.
Stan: That's my wife. I don't care how much it is, I'll pay it!
Dr. Gupta: It's $178,000.
Stan: What if I don't need her to talk?

Steve: Now that the seeds of mistrust are sprouting, we must harvest them.
[he puts on his headphones and starts recording the phone call; he signals for Hayley to start; Hayley dials Trudy's number]
Trudy: Hello?
Hayley: Miss Lawrence, just a few questions for a fitness survey. Where do you typically work out?
Trudy: At the gym.
Hayley: Good. And where is it located?
Trudy: About 3 miles north of here.
Hayley: After you work out, how do you relax?
Trudy: I get a massage.
Hayley: And when your car is not in "drive", it's in…
Trudy: "Park"!
Hayley: And if you're from Brazil, you're…
Trudy: You're Brazilian! Look. Is this a crank call?
Hayley: Hold, please.
Trudy: I can't wait around. I'm leaving to meet…
[Hayley hangs up]
Hayley: Did you get it?
Steve: Got it.
[he dials Miles' number; cut to Miles' home; his phone rings]
Answering machine: Please leave a message.
[a tone is heard, then Steve, after editing a recording of the phone conversation, plays it just as Miles walks up to his phone]
Trudy: Hello,… Jim.
Miles: Who's Jim?
Trudy: I… can't… wait… to… massage… your… Brazilian… crank. Meet… me… at… 3:00… at the…
[Steve plays a second of West End Girls]
Pet Shop Boys: West End.
Trudy: Of the... park. I'm… leaving… Miles.
Miles: She must've dialed my number by mistake. She's cheating on me!
[he falls to his knees in tears as Hayley and Steve laugh and dance victoriously]

Helping Handis [1.21][edit]

Stan: Steve, I can't believe you're here! [he and his friend are doing chemistry] The Schwartzstein's house is going off. It's like a damn Ludacris video; pimp cups, shorties, it's all crunked out.
Steve: We're quantifying the molecular--
Stan: Steve, if you're gonna crawl out this geek squad, you gotta log some time with the cool kids. Now get goin'! I'd-uh-ditch Fatty and Dim Sum on the way here; they're gonna blow the ratio.

Steve: Damn your experimental steroids!
Stan: It's okay, son, you're experiencing a perfectly natural side effect called 'roid rage.
Steve: Oh, I'm experiencing a side effect, all right! [pulls front of bathrobe] I have boobs!
Stan: Oh, my God!
Klaus: I know. Talk about a butterface.

Roger: What are you doing, you animals?! Feet on the couch-I just steam cleaned! Salsa on the carpet?! But I vacuumed! [spots a male putting a beer can on the TV, sees a hand putting a cup on table, and another places a beer can on the same table then a droplet splashed] Coasteeerrrrrs! Aaaagggghhhh!

Hayley: [held by Deaf Teddy] Ow! Let go of me!
Francine: Hayley, what are you doing here?
Hayley: I was worried...you were acting so crazy, so I followed you.
Deaf Teddy: [through sign language] I found her eavesdropping. Also, I'll need some time off in March. My wife's really on my ass.

Waitress: Breadsticks, courtesy of table four. [two men wave at Stan and Steve]
Stan: Thanks, fellas, thank you. Wave to the nice men, Steve. Not too eager, son, they just bought us bread; they didn't let us take the Jag out for a spin.

Francine (before leaving for her next operation): Man, these hours are brutal. No wonder those doctors on Scrubs don't have time to be funny. (leaves)
Klaus (sadly): I like Scrubs.

With Friends Like Steve's [1.22][edit]

Steve: [to evil Barry] Sure, you can kill me with your gun, but are you willing to try something much more elaborate and unnecessary?

Barry: Thanks for driving me home, Mr. Smith. We're going faster than people.
Stan: Quiet, fatty fat-fat fatty!

Barry: Hey, Steve. Somebody left this on your front porch. (gives Steve the doormat)
Stan: Great, it's the fat one.
Steve: That's a doormat, Barry.
Barry: Who's Matt Barry?
Stan: God, I hate you so much!
Steve: Mom, can Barry stay for dinner?
Francine: If it's okay with his parents.
Barry: Oh, they won't care. They never care.
Stan: Good people. My kind of people.
(Barry's watch beeps)
Barry: Oh, time to take my vitamin. May I have a glass of water?
Stan: Fatty can use the garden hose!

Francine: (to Stan) Are you still moping about Steve? Come on. He's just going through a phase. It's like Steve is America and you're Arrested Development. It doesn't mean you're bad, it just means he's not interested in you.

Stan: Steve, do you still want to go to the Franklin Mint this weekend? The new Clara Peller commemorative plates are in. "Where's the beef?" (Laughs) Good question. Where was that beef? Nobody knew.
Steve: Oh, my God! The Franklin Mint?! Yeah, I'd rather die.

Stan: Steve used to really look up to me, but now it's like he's not into me anymore.
Roger: Wow, that's really, really boring.
Stan: I'm serious, Roger. I'm opening up to you here. It's like my son's rejection is bringing up all kinds of feelings I don't understand.
Roger: Oh, okay. Uh... not sure what to say here.
Hayley: Well, I'm off to petition my college for an Eskimo studies program.
Roger: What?! They don't have one? I'm sorry, Stan, I'd love to help you, but the Eskimos, their plight, that's the real stuff here.
Hayley: You care about the Eskimos?
Roger: Yeah, yeah, I love their pies. Keep going. Walk, walk, walk, walk, walk.

Steve: (to Barry) Hey, that's my dad's Tara Reid collector's plate. You can't touch that. You know how much that'll be worth in a few months when she's dead?

Stan: (about Barry) Careful, Steve! He's as mad as he is fat.

Stan: So, Barry, want to wind down by watching the best movie ever, Red Dawn?
Barry: I'm Barry!

Stan: Man, I'm getting hungry. Hey, let's go dig up your mother so she can make us breakfast!

Barry: Yes, Francine's first on my list. My list to kill! My name is Barry.

Barry: Stan, can we stop by church on the way to breakfast? Before I take my first sip of O.J., I like to take a big gulp of Jesus.

Tears of a Clooney [1.23][edit]

[Foster children are working in Roger's vineyard]
Roger: That's right, foster children. Hard work builds character.
Foster Child: Water break, boss?
Roger: Oh, honey, don't call me "boss". That makes me feel like some kind of monster. Call me "Dad".
Foster Child: Water break, Dad?
Roger: No.

[Francine is preparing to kill George Clooney with an axe]
Francine: Well, I'd better run. George Clooney's head is about to have a big opening weekend.
Stan: Wait! I've gone along with you on this whole thing, no questions asked, but now I've gotta know. What the hell, Francine? What is this really about? I mean, I hate Susan Sarandon, but you don't see me cutting off my hand. I just cut my hair different for a while.
Francine: What is this about? Just look at that fucker with cucumbers on his eyes! Not a care in the world. No making school lunches, no grocery shopping, no cleaning the house, no one depending on him all the time!
Stan: Oh, God. This isn't about some unfulfilled dream. You're having a midlife crisis and you're taking it out on a future senator from California!
Francine: Midlife crisis? Wait. Future senator? Oh, I will fucking chop his head in two!
Stan: Francine, don't you see? Sure, Clooney has no cares, no one that depends on him, but... he has no one that depends on him. But you, you have a family: A son, a daughter...
Francine: ...and a husband who took a sabbatical from work, moved to Prague, and hired mercenaries to help his wife seduce another man! You probably would have let me sleep with him.
Stan: Of course! I assumed you did!
[both laugh]
Francine: I'm the luckiest girl in the world.
[both turn to Clooney]
Francine: You know, I actually feel sorry for him. He'll never know this kind of happiness. Let's go home.

Season 2[edit]

Camp Refoogee [2.01][edit]

Stan: So this is a refugee camp? I have to say, not that bad. There's sun, sand - it's like Arizona. But here they probably celebrate Martin Luther King Day.

Roger: [wipes glasses and pauses] Tell them how you killed our baby, Amanda.

Hayley: [significantly more corpulent] Thank God we're going home. I think I gained the African 20. Seriously, I threw away more food than I ate.

Roger: In the words of every sitcom character in the early 90's, and everyone in the Midwest through the rest of the 90's, "Don't go there."

Stan: Steve, camp is an amazing place. You get to swim in the lake, drink bug juice, ring the bell if you win the Camp-A-Lympics. Oh, and then there's "camp love." It's such an intense experience, like winning the Grammy for Best R&B performance, duo, or group.
Steve: Dad, for the last time, you were not in Boyz II Men.
Stan: (sings) Whatever.

Stan: Good news, I found a camp that still has an opening.
Steve: Dad, I don't want to go to camp. It's hot and there's always something crawling in your sleeping bag, like a spider or a counselor. Just let me tend to my posies. (leaves)
Francine: Stan, he doesn't want to go to camp.
Stan: But I spent my summers at camp, and I had the time of my life. I want him to have that same experience. And besides, gardening's gay.
Francine: I'll have you know, James Coburn had a garden.
Stan: I'm sick of your lies about Coburn!

Steve: (smells plant) Ahh, basil and snail poison; the sweet smell of summer.
Klaus: Hey, you should plant some of those, uh... I don't know what you call them here... Hitler melons.

Francine: Just so we're clear, you will not return home from Africa without my son.
Hayley: I'm going with you. If I can just hold a refugee's hand and look them in the eye, they'll know someone cares.
Stan: (laughs) Okay, Bono, settle down.

Steve: Dad, you have to help me get Makeva back.
Stan: But I don't know what to do.
Steve: (slaps Stan; mockingly) "I don't know what to do." You can act like a man!
Stan: There's no hitting at Camp Refoogee.
Steve: Look, the Bawango rebels ruined our camp and took one of your campers. Are you going to let them get away with that?
(The refugees gather around Stan)
Stan: Don't move, Steve. Just give them your credit card and we'll cancel it when we get home.
Steve: Dad, these are your campers. They're rallying around you.
Stan: Oh, yes, right, right. Thanks, fellas.

Steve: Dad, they just kidnapped Makeva!
Stan: All right, I understand "kidnapped." But what is "Makeva"? Ugh, I bet that little girl they stole could have told me.

Stan: I hate the last day of camp. You better write me when you get home, H-Rod.
Hot Rod: We don't have homes. The rebels destroyed everything.
Stan: Oh, right. I guess I don't like thinking about your horrible situation. (steps on soapbox; to the camera) Just like the rest of the world. Shame on you!

The American Dad After School Special [2.02][edit]

Debbie: Welcome to my sanctuary. Look at them scurrying around like ants. Go ahead, exercise all you want. You'll never escape the smoky death of times magnifying glass.
Steve: Wow, that's a little dark.
Debbie: Not at all. Life is a banquet and death is dessert.
Steve: I love dessert!

Steve: Here she comes.
Stan: (looks at Debbie through the window) Where's Debbie? Behind that fat girl?
Steve: No, Dad, that's...
Stan: Is the fat girl going to lead us to Debbie?
Steve: No, that's...
Stan: She's carrying a purse. She must have a map to Debbie in her purse.
Steve: Dad, that's Debbie.
Stan: To the panic room!

Francine: Stan, you're being ridiculous. We have a guest out there.
Stan: Please, Francine, show some panic. Our son is dating a fatty.
Hayley: Dad, that's awful. Plus-size women drive our economy with their purchases of Garfield books and Haagen-Dazs.
Francine: You apologize to your son.
Stan: For what? You brought fat into our house.
Steve: You'd like Debbie if you got to know her, Dad. There's a lot more to her than you think.
Stan: There's more of her?!

Klaus: Ja. Your suit is stuffed tighter than, um, some funny German word. Uh, sorry. I'm kinda running out of fish shtick. [gasp] Oh, and just like that I'm back!

Bullock: Oh, look. Miss Pinkerton fainted at the market buying canned salmon for her puss-puss. Get up, Smith! I have no choice but to suspend you until you deal with your weight problem.

Steve: No, no, Debbie. This break-up has nothing to do with my dad at all. It's just... you know, this is a really bad time for me. The Ghostbusters box set just came out. What, with that and the new Doom being released, I don't know I can give you the time you need. Forget me, big beautiful creature! [cries]

(Stan is at an anorexia support group, consisting entirely of anorexic teenage girls)

Counselor (to Stan): Eating disorders are no laughing matter, young lady.
Stan: Young lady?
Counselor: Now, now, I know in the locker rooms in high school, you feel uncomfortable about your body.
Stan: I'm not in high school!
Counselor: When was the last time you menstruated?
Stan: I've never menstruated!
Counselor (to the rest of the class): You hear that, girls? Cautionary tale: Anorexia will dry up your ovaries like tobacco in the sun. Now, instead of starving yourselves, let's think of better ways at getting back at Daddy, like marrying a black dude?

Failure is not a Factory-Installed Option [2.03][edit]

Roger: Hey Algernon, what's wrong with you? Can't you get an idea without saying it out loud?

[after receiving a delivery of film reels from Hayley]
Hayley: [reading the inside covers] Porky's? Meatballs II? Enjoy your crap-fest.
Roger: Oh, go read The Bell Jar, you poser!

Roger: Oh my god, we're a broken home and I'm too drunk and they're to dumb to channel it into art.

Roger: Aw, Steve, your first gropefest. You won't truly appreciate the awkwardness of this moment until you're fondly reminiscing as a 35-year-old homosexual.

Repo Man: Here to repo the cars.
Steve: You can't do that. We're about to become men.
Repo Man: Well you may have planned on becoming men through sexual conquest, but perhaps an equally valid preparation for adulthood would be a night filled with disappointment and compromise.

Lincoln Lover [2.04][edit]

Steve: So then it's cool to alienate gays?
Stan: Yes, it is, son. Gays are the new Blacks.

Dungeons and Wagons [2.05][edit]

[Steve is playing Dragonscuffle while Klaus is watching]
Klaus: Please, let me play!
Steve: I don't think you're ready yet.
Klaus: Not ready? I've been watching you for four years!
Steve: Night time. [covers his bowl with a cloth]
Klaus: I'm not a parrot. That trick won't work on- [snores]

Roger: When you're locked in a cadillac sinking to the bottom of the ocean, you either learn about cars or you die.

Hayley: I was so sick of Jeff, and now I can't stop thinking about him. I have to figure out a way to win him back from my stupid brother.
Klaus: Your brother is not the problem. The problem is Agathor. Kill him and you'll get Jeff back.
Hayley: Oh, my God! You know how to kill him?
Klaus: The question isn't can I kill him. The question is: Do you like me?
Hayley: Not really.
Klaus: [disappointed] Oh. Anyway, I know how to defeat Steve.

Steve: [angry] Son of a bitch!!!!

(after Hayley kills off Steve's character in the video game)

Klaus: That felt good. And I almost died of autoerotic asphyxiation, so I know from good.

(As Roger is getting beaten by a convenience store clerk)

Roger: I can't believe this turns some people on!

Francine: I feel like we're in a rut.
Stan: A good rut, like 200 years of democracy or a bad rut, like UNICEF?

Iced, Iced Babies [2.06][edit]

Francine: It's so cute that Steve has a little girlfriend.
Stan: Well, don't tell Debbie about her because she'll eat her.

Roger: You just earned yourself a week of detention!
Hayley: There's no detention in college.
Roger: Oh. Right. Well, then I'm taking away fifty points from Gryffindor!!

Francine: I know about the government storage center, Stan. I'm having a baby.
Stan: No! (Francine maces Stan) My eyes! (His head hits the door where Francine exits) My mouth! (His back hits the bathroom door) My back! (He opens his eyes to see his dead plant) My begonia! (His hand presses the alarm clock, playing music) My Sharona! (His back hits the TV, turning it on)
Julia Roberts: ...marry me?
Stan: "My Best Friend's Wedding"! (Shields his eyes) Ahh, my eyes again!

Of Ice and Men [2.07][edit]

Stan: Ah, Saturday. Sunday's Friday.

Grandson: Wait, someone accidentally ordered a woman in the mail? Grandpa, is this the same story?
Grandpa Klaus: No, it is a little side story. I'm using it to break up the main story so you don't get bored.
Grandson: Are we part of the story, Grandpa?
Grandpa Klaus: Oh nononono. No, we are a "framing device".

Grandson: Whoa-whoa-whoa. You were a fish?!
Grandpa Klaus: Oh yeah, that.... But Stan he was a new man and he--
Grandson: Hold on a second. You, were a fish. Don't you think that's a better story than two grown-ups ice skating?
Grandpa Klaus: I was also roommates with Rick Schroder, you wanna hear about that?
Grandson: YEAH!!
Grandpa Klaus: [sighs] Okay, Rick Schroder sucks, h-he just... h-he just sucks. He sucks so hard. Rick Schroder uses women. The end.

[after learning the prize is a set of wigs]
Roger: Stan you've gotta skate in this competition. For Francine. She hasn't been this happy in ages.
Stan: But you just said I shouldn't--
Roger: That was a test! You failed! God, you're selfish. [smack] Bad Stan! Oh, I meant to say "bad Stan" and then slap you. Bad Stan! [smack] I dunno, I like it both ways.

Stan: Roger? Where did you learn to skate?
Roger: On my planet. You really haven't read my MySpace page, have you? You say you have, but you really haven't.

Francine: This is the first time in twenty winters we've done anything together, and now you're dumping me to skate with Roger?! Why, Stan, why?
Stan: Well, honey, I-
Francine: I'll tell you why. Because winning some stupid contest means more to you than your own wife!
Stan: Yes. Thanks you. That would've sounded awful coming out from my mouth.

Roger: You can't do this to me! You can't leave me here. Everyone's looking. Everyone's looking!
Brown-haired Man: Can you keep it down? No one's looking at you. We're trying to watch the skating here.
Roger: EVERYONE'S LOOKING!

Grandson: Hey grandpa, were you ever a shark?
Grandfather Klaus: YES! I was two sharks and a monkey! Now shut up and go to bed!

Irregarding Steve [2.08][edit]

Roger: I want a popcorn maker for my attic.
Stan: Don't be stupid, Roger. The attic is above sea level, and popcorn doesn't pop above sea level. I know, I've spent time in Denver.

[Steve is confronting Roger after the stock that Roger invests in plummets to zero.]
Steve: What the hell was that?! You said "SJP" was a sure thing!
Roger: I don't understand, SJP is in the new Spielberg movie; it's gonna be huge!
Steve: What are you talking about?! SJP is a Canadian chiropractic supplies company!
Roger: You mean it's... not Sarah Jessica Parker?
Steve: What?! No!
Roger: Isn't this the Hollywood Stock Exchange? You know, where you buy and sell celebrity stocks based on the ups and down of their careers?
Steve: No!
Roger: Oh... Then what is all this?
Steve: This is the New York Stock Exchange!
Roger: Like in the movie Wall Street? I thought that was Hollywood make-believe, like children of every color being at the same McDonald's.
Steve: But back home, you said you were about to make a fortune in silver!
Roger: Ron Silver!

[Steve and Roger are standing in the rain in New York]
Roger: We're gonna make through this. We still have twenty bucks. In this town, with our brains, we'll turn it into a millions in no time. [turns to the kiosk behind him] I'll have the new issue of Cherry, and keep the change, my good man.
Steve: Roger!
Roger: Steve, it's a special big butts collector's issue; someday it'll be worth a fortune. Now we play the waiting game.

Stan: Honey, it's been three weeks; maybe we should... start..planning Steve's funeral. [Francine get a reaction and throws plate onto floor in response]
Francine: I WANTED TO GO GET HIM! I WANTED TO BRING HIM INSIDE! BUT YOU WOULDN'T LET ME! OUR BABY'S DEAD BECAUSE OF YOU!!!
Stan: [close to tears] Don't you think I know that?!

The Best Christmas Story Never [2.09][edit]

Stan: Ah, the lighting of the town Christmas tree- can you think of anything more American?
Steve: An American flag?
Stan: Or. Or an American flag with Christmas trees for stars! Ooh, that would make a good cake. [pulls out personal tape recorder] Note to self: I like cake.

Donald Sutherland: Lets talk about it over dinner. Say...my place?
Stan: Let's talk about it over your brains. Say...all over the place? Ha Ha. Fantastic.

Bush Comes to Dinner [2.10][edit]

Stan: [reveals shotgun behind pillow] Ah, pillow gun. Where danger and comfort meet. 200 thread count, '[pumps shotgun]' 200 dead count.

Steve: Dollywood?
Roger: Dolly Parton's theme park! The rides give you the same experience as looking at her - fun from far way, but really scary up close. Anyway, it's on sale for $50 million.
Steve: You moron! You can't get $50 million for a kidney!
Roger: Would it hurt to say "Good idea, Roger" once in a while? [He pulls out a bottle of vodka from the tub.] This was to celebrate!

Stan: Lies. It's like you have to lie to live. You're a lie-abetic. You have lie-abetes. Twice a day, you have to take a shot of insu-lyin'.

Bush: Stan, those things don't make your daughter a lost cause. Look at me. When I was her age, I was blitzed off my ass 24-seven. Doin' Tequila shots, Jell-O shooters, Mind Erasers, Cement Mixers, Dr. Pepper Bombs, Mud Slides, Kamikazes, Jageritas, Lemon Drops, B-52s, Fuzzy Navels, Gorilla Farts, Scorpion Bowls, Singapore Slings, Prairie Fires, Bloody Marys, Slippery Nipples...

Steve: [Upon seeing George Bush] Holy fuck! We were just about to call you!

American Dream Factory [2.11][edit]

Francine: You want your money, you unsupportive jerk? Fine! Here's your $5,000 back.
Stan: You made all this in one day?
Francine: That's right, I did. Through hard work and giving people incorrect change.

Steve: Dad, I'm meeting the fellas at the movies. Can I have a few bucks for popcorn?
Stan: [wearing a money suit] Do I look like I'm made of money?

Francine: Stan, I did some research on that kiosk at the mall. If you gave me $5,000 of your bonus, I could start a business selling my muffins. I think there's a real market for...
Stan: Ooh, ooh, uh, I... I'm sorry... sorry to interrupt, but, uh, real quick, this is the worst idea I've ever heard. Never gonna happen, but please, keep going.
Francine: Oh, just forget it!
Stan: Great call, Francine.

A.T. The Abusive Terrestrial [2.12][edit]

Steve: Chlorine. Bromine. Crap! Astatine! How could I forget? It has the words teen and ass in it.

Roger: Oh. Oh, the pain! My moaning stems from pain!

Stan: I can't believe you're still upset. It's been a week.
Francine: You called me a pig.
Stan: I didn't say you were a pig. I said that dress made you look like a pig. And those shoes didn't help. All your fat, sweaty toes shoved in there like 20 Hondurans stuffed in a giant... shoe.

Steve [to Roger]: You sound just like Daphne Zuniga from that Lifetime movie, and you remember what happened to her.
Roger: Oh, my God! She ended up on ABC Family! Well, I'm not going to let that happen to me.

Hayley: What's wrong with you? You look horrible.
Klaus: I've had this flu for, like, 2 weeks. I started to feel better on Tuesday, but then I pushed it and now I have this darker mucus and...
Hayley: I was talking to Steve.
Klaus [sarcastically]: Are you sure you don't want to be a nurse, Hayley? You're so caring!

Henry [to Roger]: You don't appreciate what I've done for you! I made you lieutenant! You were a cook when we started playing!

Stan: Ah, Mr. Pibb. The cornerstone of our love. Delicious, refreshing, and totally lacking in pretension!

Steve: (about Roger staying with Henry) Why does he stay, Hayley?! Why does he stay?
Hayley: Clearly, he's getting something from this kid he wasn't getting from you. When you have that kind of co-dependency, it can be hard to break free from an abusive relationship.
Jeff [appears from the pantry]: Can I come out of the pantry now, babe?
Hayley: I said I'll get you when I'm ready! (throws her coffee mug at him)

Black Mystery Month [2.13][edit]

Steve: You mean Jenga?
Roger: Well, I think it's pronounced Henga, but if you wanna crap all over the Spanish language, go ahead.

Stan: Come on, Steve, why don't you pick an interesting black person, like Dr. Daniel Williams, who performed the first successful open heart surgery, or Tim Meadows, the luckiest man in show business.

[the phone rings, a man picks it up]
Man: Yes?
Principal Lewis: [seriously] I'm afraid we have some chocolate in our peanut butter.

Stan: Forget about your report on Carver. Just do it on Will Smith. Oh wait, you need a black guy.

Steve Smith: Dad! When were you gonna tell me that you're part of the Illuminati?
Stan Smith: Steve! That's crazy! I was never gonna tell you!

Steve: Now the world will never know the truth.
Stan: If only there was a place where you could make any outrageous claim you want with absolutely no proof, and millions of people would accept it as fact.
Steve: That's it!
[cutaway to Steve writing a Wikipedia article on "The Truth About Peanut Butter"]

An Apocalypse to Remember [2.14][edit]

[the family is dressed up and about to go to a banquet honoring minorities in America]
Stan: Can you believe we're going to meet Denzel Washington! He's like Harrison Ford dipped in chocolate!

Stan: Who's the boob? It that what you call me behind my back?
Francine: It's just a nickname, honey. It doesn't mean anything. It's like fatty or baby penis.

Stan: Oh, I tell a great story and I'm a liar, but Harry Potter does it and he's your favorite writer.

Steve: [referencing to Stan] What a boob.
Stan: What was that, Steve?
Steve: Um, I... asked Hayley if I could squeeze her boob.
Stan: I love it when you kids get along.

Stan: [realising that children from pie eating content are deaf] Hey, I'm gonna just go in the kitchen and steal your food. Marlee Matlin sucks! [pauses] Ah, you know, that's not fair. I really enjoyed her work on The West Wing.

Hayley: How long were you planning on keeping us up here? Forever?
Stan: What? No! [kicks down the sign "Smith family graveyard" next to him]

Roger: All I have to do is get married by next week and I can get my blender in time for Grey's Anatomy!

Stan: [alone with his family in the wild] We're the last ones left on Earth.
[They all hug him. He spots a man paragliding in the air, pulls out a gun and shoots him down]
Francine: What was that?
Stan: Mosquito.

Four Little Words [2.15][edit]

Roger: [to Hayley] Oh, excuse me. Are you an ethicist? Are you? Is there an ethicist in the house?
Black-haired woman: I'm a ethicist.
Roger: Well, screw you! I'm Kevin Bacon!

Steve: Geez, Roger, you're making Kevin Bacon look like a total douche.
Hayley: Yeah, you may be beautiful on the outside like Kevin Bacon, but you're ugly on the inside like Tommy Lee Jones... on the outside... and the inside.

Melinda: Oh, God, Francine, please tell me this is my blind date's dad!

Francine: (teaching Indian children) Okay, children, pay attention, because you need to learn English to survive. Repeat after me: "Thank you for calling Apple Tech Support."
Indian Children: (in unison): Thank you for calling Apple Tech Support.
(A bloodcurdling human scream is heard from off camera)
Francine: There's the bell. I'll see all of you who don't die of cholera tomorrow at 8:00.
(A sickly-looking wolf effortlessly grabs one of the Indian boys and drags him off)

Francine: What about Sanjen? I can't have an Indian baby! I don't even like Indian food!

Francine [to Stan]: You bastard! (punches Stan in the face, knocking the clothes pin off his nose)
Stan: (sniffing) Ugh! Oh God, it's like being in a sauna with Michael Chiklis!
Francine: You made me think I was a murderer?! Do you have any idea what a nightmare you put me through?! I prayed to a freaking elephant! How am I gonna explain THAT to Jesus?!

Steve: (whispering about the young child on the swing set) There he is!
Roger: That little feelings-hurter is about to eat crow! I'm going to rub his nose in my nose!
Young Child: Mommy, look! It's the monster! (Roger gasps) The monster from the hit movie, Hollow Man!
Young Child's Mother: Oh my god! It IS Kevin Bacon! Normally I'd chastise you for watching an R-rated movie, but Kevin Bacon is an American treasure! Even when he's playing an invisible rapist!

When a Stan Loves a Woman [2.16][edit]

Steve: [explaining how he got tickets to Battlestar Galactica On Ice] How does anybody anything? Look, they're 20 bucks a pop. You want 'em or not? 'Cause if you don't want 'em, I got other people I can sell 'em to. Bruce Willis wants 'em. That girl who played Tank Girl. What's her name? Yeah, she wants 'em.

[After Stan tells the story of how he married Joanna at the beach.]
Francine: What the FUCK is GOING ON?!
Steve: [doing cartwheels] I'll take care of you, Mom. I'm a wagon wheel!

Barry: [beating up Steve] Let's kill his parents next. Let's kill them all.

[A crying Francine is being comforted by Roger's entourage of skanks.]
Francine (sobbing): My husband ran into the well-toned arms of a more compatible woman.
Skank #1: Oh, honey, don't worry. Single life is great.
Skank #2: Yeah. Guys take you out, treat ya real special, take ya to all the best places.
Roger (as he's coming down the stairs): Let's roll, hos. You guys can have a kiss-fight to see who gets to eat the fruit that touches my syrup at IHOP!

[As Francine is watching Roger abuse his entourage of skanks.]
Francine: I will not be a worn-out ho having breakfast for dinner with an abusive Persian. I lived that life and Stan saved me from it.

I Can't Stan You [2.17][edit]

Stan: [to Francine, after he hears the neighbors badmouth him] They all hate me! It's like our wedding all over again... except this time I'm you!

[Stan, using CIA powers, has seized the houses of all his neighbors]
Stan: In other words, there goes the neighborhood. [laughs] Ordinarily that would have racist implications, but I've actually done something far worse.

The Magnificent Steven [2.18][edit]

[Barry is holding an axe with blood all over his shirt. He has killed a calf named Rosie]
Barry: Her eyes said, "Why?"
Stan: [eating a cut of face meat] Yeah, you can still see the look of betrayal. Can't grill that off.

Stan: I can't believe you killed her, Barry. You're a cold son of a bitch.

Stan: [affected by mad cow disease] You boys see these owls? Get out of here, owls! Stop pecking at my face! I will not buy your encyclopedias! I can't read your language, I can only speak it. [hoots]

Joint Custody [2.19][edit]

Stan: Why can't Jeff live with his family?!
Hayley: He hasn't spoken to his dad in years, and his mom ran away before he was born.
Stan: How... how could she do that?

Stan: Look, honey, I'll make you a deal, you don't marry Jeff, and I won't bake you a roofie cake and tie your fallopians in a square knot.

[a train appears, separating Jeff from Stan and Roger]
Stan: Damn it, Roger! He's getting away! [the train passes, revealing that Jeff is still there] Why didn't you run for it?
Jeff: You wanna know why? Because I didn't think of it. [blows into a flute] Oh, Seamus McPherson, present yourself! [nothing happens] GOD! WHERE'S MY LEPRECHAUN!?! [another train appears and Jeff hops on the caboose]
Stan: Great. Well Roger, I guess it's just you and me. [cocks Roger's shotgun, then shoots the front wheel of Roger's motorcycle] And now it's just me.
Roger: Wait! How will I get out of here?
Stan: Try jogging, you gross bowling pin! [drives off and suddenly a leprechaun appears next to Roger]
Leprechaun: You flute me?
Roger: Huh? Oh, no. That was Jeff. He hopped on a train.
Leprechaun: Oh. Jeff, huh? Well, you tell your boy this still counts as one. He got two left. [heads into a bush, then swats a bug on his neck]. Mm, they love me. [disappears into a bush]

Roger: Horse Renoir, bounty hunter! Born in the bayou. Some say the hell-spawn of a prostitute and a whore. Other say...
Stan: Shut up!
Roger: Rude.

Roger: [after escaping from a burning barn] Ah, you know what I meant to ask you? How did we get out of there?
Stan: I think we did some sweet maneuvers from that movie Backdraft.
Roger: I never saw Backdraft.
Stan: Me either.

(Roger and Stan are stoned on marijuana smoke and wasting time at the local convenience store)
Roger: Why do my wrists hurt?!
Stan: Because you're lying on them.
Roger: How can you hear what I'm thinking?

Stan (to the convenience store clerk): Do you live here? 'Cuz I can live here. This place is great!

Convenience Store Clerk: That'll be $147.
Roger: What? Where are we gonna get that kind of money?
Stan: We could turn in Jeff!
Roger: I thought Jeff was innocent.
Stan: [gasp] We gotta save Jeff!

Stan: None of us get to choose our fathers, but we do get to choose our father figures. I chose my mother. That set me back a bit.

Season 3[edit]

The Vacation Goo [3.01][edit]

Francine: I'm starting a new family tradition of Sunday night dinners.
Klaus: Wunderbar!... Wait. Only four place settings? No, that's cool. That's cool. I'm-I'm supposed to hang with my chick anyway. She's been buggin' me to spend more time with her and she... [sad voice] doesn't exist.

Francine: Nothing bonds a family like a dark, horrible secret.

[Stan parks next to the window of his house as in drive-thru]
Stan: Hi, I'll take a roast beef to go and a medium Mr. Pibb, no ice. Fantastic.
Francine: Stan, get inside right now and have dinner with your family!
Stan: Well, if that's your attitude, I don't know why you people even have a drive-thru.

[The family is in a lifeboat starving]
Hayley: We haven't eaten in four days. Damn it Mom! Why did you jump off the boat after dinner?
Francine: This isn't my fault. I just wanted us to spend some time together.
Hayley: [gasp] Steve's hiding food!
Steve: No! It's just a picture I took with some grapes.
[Everybody jumps him trying to take the picture from him]
Hayley: Give it to me!
Francine: Share it! You have to share it!
[Steve drops the picture in the ocean]
Stan: No! What are we gonna do for pictures of food now?!
Becky: [sees an island] Look!

[The family is hiding in a cave]
Hayley: I'm exhausted.
Francine: I'm starving!

Francine: Stan, we are going on a real vacation and this family is going to bond!
Steve: We could go skiing!
Stan: Or, here's an alternate pitch. Stay here, watch the Duke game... [Francine tries to say something] ...just hear me out... I order boneless wings from KFC...
Hayley: But-
Stan: Hang on to that thought, Hayley... I take a long bath and then... wait for it... None of you are here.
Francine: Or... [Stan opens his mouth] ...just hear me out... we stay home, and for the rest of our lives together, every time you doze off I slam a book on your testicles.
Stan: Did someone say, "skiing"?

[Stan is playing 20 questions with his family]
Stan: I'm thinking of a person.
Steve: Ronald Reagan?
Stan: Damn!

Francine Smith: All I want is to have Dinner once a while and spend some real qualitly time together, but you know what? I'm done, done! Because you are a complete ass family. If somebody ask me in the house, I say 'The Asses' and I might be right!

Meter Made [3.02][edit]

[In an Arts and Crafts Academy]
Teacher: Oh, we're so glad to have you, Hayley. I know it's not easy to pose nude.
Hayley [in robe]: Maybe for some people. But I am a proud and evolved woman. And I have nothing to be ashamed of.
[Removes robe]
Roger: Nnnice... (Waves/smiles)
Hayley: (Gasps, covers herself)
Roger: Madam, please, uncover yourself! Does anyone have Areola Pink? I've only got one tube...

Dope & Faith [3.03][edit]

Roger: [laughs] Oh, my God! Stan has no friends! And he didn't even realize! He's like America, the guy.

(after Stan fails to convince Brett that God exists)
Stan: Brett, wait! The Lord is my shepherd, but you're my ride home!

Roger (to himself): Okay, Steve. Let's see how special you're gonna feel when some crack-whore throws you off her front porch!

Stan: I'm having a spiritual crisis. What do you do when your best friend doesn't believe in God?
Father Donovan: Well, Stan, we're hardly best friends.

Big Trouble in Little Langley [3.04][edit]

Stan: Why did you cut Francine out of the will and leave everything to Gwen?
Mr. Ling:(reveals his and Mama's true reasons) Because Gwen is moron. She needs lots of help. She fail math in school! Imagine a Chinese girl can't do math?
Stan: It's embarrassing when children don't adhere to stereotypes.
Mr. Ling: Francine is our smart daughter. We never have to worry about her...and she married OK.

Stan : [to Francine] Gwen... God is she hot. Model hot. Great, it was bad enough that I was mad, now I'm horny! Get up and kiss me like your sis--you know what, forget it.

Haylias [3.05][edit]

[Hayley's trigger phrase]
Stan: I'm getting fed up with this orgasm!

Hayley: It's time to change my entire life. That's what that recurring dream's been trying to tell me. The one where I'm in that creepy classroom.
Stan: [drops mug] What? I didn't drop that mug because you mentioned that dream.
Hayley: That dream is a warning. Society's trying to brainwash me to conform, to color inside the lines, to get married and have babies. Well I'm not drinking the Kool-Aid anymore.
Francine: Have you tried it with Splenda?

Hayley: The path to happiness?
Stan: Yeah. It starts in Marriage Land and runs through Mommy Town. Final destination - Housewife City, where you watch TV all day long and blame everything on a Mexican woman who only comes on Tuesdays.

[Stan aims a shotgun at Hayley]
Stan: Hayley, don't make me have to [she quickly snatches the shotgun from him and aims it at him] [lovingly and quickly speaking] spare your life because you're a part of the family!

[Hayley holds Stan at gunpoint]
Stan: Okay Hayley, I give up. This whole thing was my fault anyway. You were on your own path to happieness, and if killing me will put you back on that path then go ahead. Just know that I love you and I always will. You're my little girl. Now, if you still feel you can pull that trigger-
[Hayley shoots him]

Stan: Man, I can't believe I survived a shot to the head.
Klaus: Well, the doctor says you'll have some memory loss, but I'll be by your side through every step of your recovery, my friend.
Stan: Who's the talking fish?

42-Year-Old Virgin [3.6][edit]

Francine: He's still the same person he was last night. It's just our opinion of him that's changed.

Stan: There was a Space War?
Roger: Space War?! No no. I fought in the Viet Cong in the late sixties. I've told you that story, right? Well the end of it is we won.

Roger: Wow he is rough on you. He is elephant-making-love-to-a-cat rough on you.

Francine: [lays on the bed, posing] Hey killer, how was the kill? You need to wash the blood off your hands? Or better yet, don't.
Stan: Well... I didn't actually kill anyone. I tri--
Francine: [Hastily, crawling into bed] Ya know I'm tired, I have a headache, I've got a lot of work to do, my back hurts, it's that time of the month, I have an early meeting. **[Under the covers we hear the sound of something vibrating] Just... sharpening... my... pencils!**

The part in asteriks is a DVD-exclusive scene and does not air when shown on FOX, Cartoon Network, TBS, or local network syndication.


Stan: I hope my son is still about to be molested! I need a half price ticket.
Ticket Man: I'm sorry, I cant accept a full can. It has to be empty.
[Stan chugs the soda]
Stan: [panting] Polar bears... shouldn't give this... to their babies!

Stan: Once again, Bad Larry, I am so sorry.
Roger: I can't believe you fired a shot that completely missed Randy and went through the waterfall, hitting Bad Larry who was on the other side. (pause) What? I'm just trying to make sure we're all clear.
Bad Larry: I'm not gonna make it. See, Stan? It was me all along. I was your "one," and you didn't even know it.
Stan: (about to cry) Bad Larry.
Bad Larry: Hey, hey, no tears, you. I am one bad, bad Larry.
Stan: I'll never forget you, Bad Larry. You'll always be my first.
Bad Larry: I'm glad it was me. And I...shall become...more powerful...THAN YOU COULD POSSIBLY IMAGINE! [dies]
Stan: What did he mean by that?
Roger: Eh, who cares, he's dead. [exits]
Ray: [gives Stan a corn-dog] I know it's just a corn-dog, but you'll never forget it. [exits as Stan eats the corn-dog, then reappears in the background] Where'd I park my car?

Surro-Gate [3.07][edit]

Francine: Doctor says I have a big, spongy cervix. Oh, listen to me bragging about my vagina. It's last week's PTA meeting all over again.

Stan [upon seeing Lily's "husband" Al, actually a woman named Alison]: You know, I love long hair on a man. Grown-up Jesus had long hair, but His breasts weren't as luscious as your -- HOLY FUCK, YOU'RE A WOMAN!

Klaus [After Steve and Roger throw him down a water slide]: Allow me to impress upon you the severe mistake you have made. For years my conduct has been largely benign. And yet, without provocation, you have severed our détente and forced me to unleash upon you the vengeful flames of a thousand suns. You shall curse your mothers for the day of your birth. So go now, go, and begin your life of fear, knowing that when you least expect it, the looming sword of Damocles will crash down upon you, cleaving you in twain and as you gaze upon the smoking wreckage that was once your life, you will regret the day you crossed the WRONG FISH!!
[beat]
Steve: [to Roger] He didn't think it was funny.

[nine months later...]
Steve: Ok you win, just do it already!
Klaus: Do what?
Roger: Get your revenge!
Steve: The water slide? the practical joke?
Klaus: Ohh yes, I had forgotten...
Roger: GOOD, good... us too.
Klaus: But now that you reminded me...the humiliation I suffered that day will not go unpunished! My pain is the bubbling cauldron of molten steel that will forge the saber of your demise! I SHALL NOT BE DENIED MY VENGEANCE...HAHAHAHAHA!
Roger: [covers the fishbowl with a stack of books] Huh, wonder why we didn't think of that NINE months ago.

The Most Adequate Christmas Ever [3.08][edit]

Stan: [to Francine] Just because snow is the same color as our refrigerator, doesn't mean you know how it works.

[Klaus is riding on a model train]
Francine: Klaus, you got the train to work.
Klaus: Yeah, it's in my blood. My grandfather was a conductor at Auschwitz.
[everyone gasps]
Klaus: No, no, he ran the kiddie train at the zoo. You know, it's a big town, there's other stuff there.

[Stan has gone to God to get a second chance]
God: I'll just cut to the chase, I'm not going to help you.
Stan Smith: What? Then just help my family. You can't let them die.
God: Look, everything happens for a reason.
Stan Smith: What reason could there be?
God: Stan, I'm gonna level with you. If your family is allowed to live, Stanford's tennis team will go 0 and 8 in conference play.
Stan Smith: What?
God: [laughs] I'm just messing with you, the point is mysterious ways, have a little faith, I'm in the details. Now c'mon, you can be triceratops. I know he's your favorite.
[Stan draws a "Heaven Gun", which can kill anything]
Stan Smith: We're out of time. Now, send me back so I can save my family!
God: Not gonna happen.
Stan Smith: You have to!
God: Okay, so you know better than me, is that it? You're all-knowing?
Stan Smith: No. Yes. I don't know.
God: Exactly! You don't know, so stop trying to control everything.
Stan Smith: I don't do that!
God: Stan, you're holding a gun to God's head. I can't think of a metaphor that's better than this.

Frannie 911 [3.09][edit]

Stan: Steve, it's a beautiful afternoon. Shouldn't you be outside with your friends turning my tool shed into Mordor or Endor or... something heartbreaking?

Klaus: [offscreen] Say it! You have to say it!
Hayley: [runs back and forth naked] Help! Racoons took my penis!

Steve: Oh, I saw him go into your study with a sledgehammer and a watermelon.
Stan: What?
Francine: There's got to be an explanation. Is it Gallagher day?
Stan: Do you see a Gallagher tree, Francine? Roger's back to his old ways. I am livid, Francine! Now I know how bears feel.

[Roger is at this deathbed because his unreleased "bitchiness" turns to bile.]
Roger: OK. Send me Steve. Dance for me.
[Steve dances]
Roger: Mm hm. OK. OK, that's enough. I've got what I need. You are terrible. You've got no rhythm, no coordination. I've... I've seen two epileptics share a bowl of noodles with more grace.
[flower perks up]
Roger: If your goal was to inspire a feeling of despair the like of which hasn't been felt since Whoopi hosted the Oscars, then bravo.
Francine: OK, I think that's enough, Roger.
Stan: Honey, no. It's good for the both of them.
Roger: I can envision millions of Americans and rising up as one and demanding legislation that would require your legs to be amputated, burned and buried next to Hitler. In short, you suck. [at his feet] Oh yeah, that's the stuff

Tearjerker [3.10][edit]

[in a parody of the James Bond opening, Stan walks into the view of the gun barrel and goes to shoot at it, but ends up getting shot]
Stan: Ow! What the hell?! Wait, you're a gun? I always thought you were an eyeball or something! [walks away, clutching his gun wounds] Douche.

Stan: So what new gadgets have you got for me, S?
S (Steve): Seems like an ordinary fancy gold pen, right? Turn the top. [Stan turns top, emits green gas] When that gas comes in contact with a woman, it's makes her breasts grow bigger.
Stan: Don't you have anything a little more..useful?
S: Ahh, right, right! Perhaps you'll like this. Looks like an ordinary cellphone, yes? Well, open it and press 3. [Stan presses 3] Yeah, see, if you're a woman, you'd have some pretty big cans by now.

Tearjerker (Roger): [rising up in a zeppelin] You'll never catch me! Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha-hah..! [Stan is right next to him] Just climbed right up the ropes, didn't ya? I told the contractor retractable ropes because I foresaw this very situation. I tell you, when I build my next lair, I'm going to do a lot of things differently: more quicksand, more death beams, and a bench in the shower 'cause sometimes I like to sit down.

Tearjerker: Oh, my God, you smell that? I had a pickle an hour ago; came with my Reuben. I'm so fat...

Stan: I'm gonna go hit the juice bar, you wouldn't like it. It's not about living out childhood abuse through degrading sexual encounters; it's more about juice.

Tearjerker: The film is opening on 500,000 screens in just a few minutes. With all the crap I'm releasing against it, people will have no choice but to see Oscar Gold and..then..they..will..cry... and..die... Pie? You can't have any.

Tearjerker: Never hire a contractor just because he's gorgeous.

Tearjerker: Why is everyone leaving? Why aren't they staying and dying?!
Mani (Terry): Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God! [Tearjerker shove both, looking at the laptop]
Tearjerker: Smith! He found the one thing people want to see more than a Holocaust movie about a mentally retarded boy with a cancer riddled puppy!
Tchochkie (Klaus): [gasps] Celebrity babies! They're all going home to see them online!
Stan: That's nice, guys. Okay, Matt Damon and Lucy Liu, you're next. Oh, look at the little guy. It's Dad's A-list then it's Mom's B-list; so it's a B-plus right off the bat.

Tearjerker: [before he and his escape pod crash into a volcano] Mike, you're the worst contractor eveeeerrrrrr...!

Sexpun (Francine): Oh my God, you really are a virgin!
Stan: What? That's not good?
Sexpun: No...it's awful.

Oedipal Panties [3.11][edit]


[Roger opens the bathroom door and stares in abject horror at Stan and Betty sharing a candlelit bath together]

Stan: [to the tune of Drunken Sailor]
What do you do when your mom's unhappy?
Jerry left her feeling crappy,
Sing her a shanty nice and snappy,
Wash her in the bathtub.

[Francine joins Roger at the door, smiling smugly as Roger continues to look on in horror]

Wash, wash, wash your V-J,
Scrub, scrub, scrub your V-J,
Rinse, rinse, rinse your V-J,
Next, we'll do your tushie.
Wash, wash, wash, your tushie,
Scrub, scrub, scrub your tushie,
Rinse, rinse, rinse your tushie,
We just did your tushie.

[a shaken Roger is sitting on the couch, holding a drink and covered in towels]
Francine: I told you it was complicated.
Roger: No, no, no, changing planes at O'Hare is complicated. Th-this is... th-this is just... Frannie, what is this?

Betty: I don't understand. We had such a good time on our first two dates. Then we were at the movies. He went to get popcorn and never came back. I had to watch the whole thing by myself. Adam Sandler had a remote control, I didn't know what was happening.

Stan: Francine, my mother is not manipulating me. Our relationship is completely normal. And if you keep upsetting me, then I'll have to retreat to my safe place between her breasts.

Stan: Too close to my mother?! How dare you! I'm all she's got!
Roger: Yeah, Francine, it's the man's mother, for God's sake! What is wrong with her?
Francine: But you were the one who said we should talk to him!
Roger: Yeah, about the possibility of switching from cable to dish! I didn't know I was gonna get dragged into your psychodrama! I vote dish, by the way.

[as Stan and Francine are making out]
Francine: Oh Stan, don't ever put your bike on the front of the bus.
Stan: Don't worry, the bus is for foreigners.

[Francine has discovered that Stan has been abducting his mother's boyfriends]
Stan: Francine, I can explain: [voice changes to a whiny tone] she's my mommy!

[Stan is trying to merge into traffic with the lane ahead of him blocked off]
Stan: Excuse me. Trying to merge. Not trying to get ahead of anybody, just merging. [driver honks at him] This isn't a contest, fuck you! Fine, I'll take the shoulder! [he knocks over some traffic cones only to find a construction worker and his truck in the way] Excuse me, trying to merge, I'm just trying to-- fuck you!

Widowmaker [3.12][edit]

Stan: Let go of me! This is stupid!
Roger: [as a psychiatrist] You're stupid! I'm sorry, that was unprofessional. I've been a bit consumed with one of my other patients. He's a complicated teenaged drug addict who's being molested... by me.

Klaus: Never cry a whore, Steve. Never! [starts crying] Mama!

Francine: Did you tell your best friend your deep, dark secret?
Stan: Are you kidding? She'd go straight to the CIA. They'd designate me as a blabbermouth, kill me, grind me up, and mix me into the local bologna supply. Not... not that the CIA does that. You should keep eating balogna. It's good for you.

Stan: ...my favorite movie is The 'Burbs.

Roger: In nature, a horse will not offer you his hoof until you gain his trust.

Red October Sky [3.13][edit]

Stan: Once we were foes lockin' a death stuggle; now he works for me. Stalin's up in heaven cryin' his eyes out.

Stan: Your mom's enthusiastic spending is exactly what Jesus had in mind when he invented capitalism.

Office Spaceman [3.14][edit]

Bullock: Dick, I believe you're up.
Dick: I don't have anything for show and tell. I just found out I have liver cancer.
Bullock: I'm giving you a zero for the day.

Stan: [after finding the photo of Roger in the paper] How did this happen?
Roger: I have no idea. I leave the house in disguise, but six Rob Roys later, things happen that I can't be responsible for. Like buying this puzzle. Why the hell did I buy this puzzle?
[begins tearing the nearly complete puzzle apart]
Roger: I hate puppies! Get out of that tea cup! That cup is for tea!

[Roger and Stan pretend to meet for the first time at the CIA]
Roger: What's your name?
Stan: [through clenched teeth] Stan.
Roger: Hmm, I already know a "Stan". I'm going to call you Mortimer. Now, run and fix me a coffee.
[Stan doesn't move]
Roger: Today, Mortimer James!
[turns to Bullock]
Roger: I add his middle name when I'm dissapointed in him.

Roger: I'm not ready to die! Not before Shatner!

Avery Bullock: Our Alien Task Force clearly needs some rejiggering. Ray, you're no longer in charge.
Ray: Of what?
Avery Bullock: The Alien Task Force.
Ray: What the hell's that?
Avery Bullock: The task force you've been in charge of!
Ray: Oh. How did I do?

Avery Bullock: I need a new team leader.
Jackson: Sir, I'm your man. I will not rest until the alien and all his accomplices are brought to just...
Stan: [to Bullock; pointing at Jackson] He told me he hates you.
Avery Bullock: What? Jackson, is this true?
Jackson: ...Yes.
Avery Bullock: Get out of my sight! Smith, how do you feel about me?
Stan: You're okay, I guess.
Avery Bullock: Good, then you're the man for this job.

Roger: "I told you to listen to me." He did. He totally did. "P.S. Francine called, Lady Peckinpaw is dead." Neh.

Francine: Here Steve, let Mommy butter that toast for you.
Steve: Thanks, Ma—AAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!

Stanny Slickers II: The Legend of Ollie's Gold [3.15][edit]

Roger: [after dressing up as a woman in revealing clothing in an attempt to win a sexual harrasment settlement and strutting through the office with 2 Live Crew's Me So Horny playing] Huh, Probably shouldn't have farted before I started the walk.

Francine: Stan, can you please talk to your daughter. Look at her!
Stan: My God! Get that slut shrapnel out of your face this instant!
Hayley: It's just a nose ring.
Stan: It's a getaway piercing. Next thing you know, you'll have a bone for your lip like one of those rain forest people that Sting is always whining about.
Francine: [to Hayley] Listen to your father. Sting's become a bit of a douche.

Roger: [Roger begins his second attempt at his sexual harrasment suit by keeping a box of doughnuts between his legs just as a male coworker comes into the break room] Looking for something glazed and bad for you?

Stan: If I had died in that crash today, who would remember me?
Francine: I would.
Stan: That's right. Nobody.

(Stan reunites with his kids and hugs them)

Stan: Oh, and the piercings and vacuum are gone by tomorrow or this hole becomes your graves.

Spring Break Up [3.16][edit]

Jess: Stan, What are you doing here?
Stan: I came to be with you. Hi Tracy
Tracy: Ew.
Stan: Why is Tracy being such a bitch to me?

Carmen Selectra: While our producers sort this out I would like to make an announcement, Steve Smith, I flew my doctor in on my private jet and I had them removed! They're all real baby! So come and get it!
Steve: Yeah!
[stage collapses and crushes Carmen Selectra]
Steve: Noooooo!
Female Spring Breaker: Oh my god! she's dead! Carmen is dead!
Male Spring Breaker: Oooh if only if she'd had some sort of cushioning on her chest, something not real, Fake if you will, to withstand the impact.

Season 4[edit]

1600 Candles [4.01][edit]

[Francine and Toddler Steve are in the mall, and Francine is holding Steve's hand]
Francine: Look at me, being escorted around town by this handsome little gentleman.
Toddler Steve (calmly): I just wanna let you know, that I'm speaking calmly, but there's a tantrum brewing in me, the likes of which this mall has never seen.

[Steve comes downstairs after being injected with an aging serum]
Steve: Why?!
Stan: Looks like the boys in the lab made a mistake...
Steve: You think?! Well, I got my pubic hair back, a whole bunch of them. They're white as frickin' Christmas! It looks like Santa Town down there! And look at my pendulous nads! Every time I walk it's like a game of gnip gnop!

[Stan and Francine enter their bedroom, after discovering that Steve has reached puberty]
Stan: Puberty.
Francine: Our worst nightmare.
Stan: The only thing worse than a child going through puberty is being the parent of a child going through puberty. Remember I had that bumper sticker on the car for a while? [sadly] Nobody honked.
[Francine starts going toward bed]
Stan: Hey, what are you doing?
Francine: [pulls out a suitcase and starts packing things in it] I can't do it, man. I'm leaving. I'm going to... I don't know. My mom's, my sister's... Hell! I'll even go back to prison. I don't care.
Stan: Look, maybe it won't be so bad. We got through Hayley's puberty.
Francine: Barely.
[Flashback to a pubescent Hayley wearing a purple shirt and a white skirt. She is holding a box of tampons in her left hand and a tampon in her right hand. Francine and Smith are cowering in front of her and Stan is holding a fork]
Hayley: Whaddaya mean, "Every month"?!
Francine: Honey, that's the glory of being a woman.
Hayley: [throws the tampon at Stan and Francine] I'm not using these! [throws the box] I'm never using these! [proceeds to sit on the white couch]
Francine & Stan: No! [she sits]
[Flashback to Hayley, a bit older]
Hayley (pointing to her small breasts): This is as big as they're gonna GET?!
[Stan and Francine are in the same pose as earlier, crying in fear. Stan is holding a stapler, shooting staples towards Hayley]
[Flashback to Hayley, a bit older. She has a huge pimple on her left cheek and is crying]
Hayley: I'm hideous!
[Stan and Francine are in the same pose again. Stan is holding a torch]
Francine: Honey, you can't even see it.
Stan: It's pretty.
Roger: [enters the room with a box of French fries and a soda] Wow, Hayley, your cheek's pregnant. Who's the father? Touching your face all day with your greasy hands?
[Hayley grabs Roger and hurls him through the window. She grabs Stan's torch and sets fire to the living room, screaming maniacally]

Francine: I'm not ready for Steve to make the change. He's gonna have man breath, and his poops won't smell good anymore.

Francine: Have you ever been beaten naked in a gym shower, Stan? One day, when I was showering after gym class, these mean pretty girls caught me and kept scrubbing me all over with soap. I mean, they didn't miss a spot! And even though we were all wet and naked and slippery, they were still able to get me on all fours, and shove my face to the floor! Can you imagine, Stan?
[Stan is sitting on the chair, drenched in sweat from arousal with his coat covering his lap]
Stan: How'd they catch you again?

(Stan is on the phone arranging for party entertainment)
Stan: Hello, I'd like a moonbounce and a sober clown for a birthday party on Saturday? [beat]: Well, do you know the number of someone who knows a sober clown? [beat]]: No, I don't think I'm asking for the world...

The One That Got Away [4.02][edit]

Klaus: Damn you, Hasbro!

McCreary: You're familiar with the first line of "Genesis", right?
Roger/Sydney Huffman: Well! I should say I am, sir. I should say I am!
McCreary: Does this sound right? "In the beginning God created the Heavens and a transvestite who pooped mozzarella dinosaurs."

One Little Word [4.03][edit]

Coco: I'm going to go soak it in your tub. [takes off her top]
Klaus: And just like that, I'm gay.

Bullock: Stan, this is Coco.
Coco: [to Stan] Got any cigarettes?
Stan: Uh, no.
Coco: Then go suck it.
Bullock: [to Stan] Isn't she great?!

Coco: [to Stan] I'm bored. Get me a movie.
Stan: Where am I gonna get a movie around here?
Coco: You're supposed to keep me happy. Or do I need to call Avery?
Stan: Fine.
Coco: Something with Matthew Perry.
Stan: Got it. Fools Rush In.
Coco: Something good!
Stan: Got it. Nothing.

Choosy Wives Choose Smith [4.04][edit]

Stan: Roger, I think I've found a way off this island! Is there such a thing as a time crab?

Stan: Come on, Francine! Small planes are the safest of all. If Richie Valens' plane had been just a little bit smaller, he'd still be alive.

Stan: Well, I'd rather be acting crazy than feeling crazy. That's good, Stan. I'm gonna write that down when we land. Oh, already forgot it.

Escape from Pearl Bailey [4.05][edit]

Stan: It was nice of Steve to acknowledge us this week. Even if it was just this one time.

Steve: You wanna get nuts?!... let's get nuts!! [smashes glass with a strike gun]

Debbie: Let the Nerdy one go.
[Debbie's friends look confused]
Debbie: The scrawny nerdy one.
[They let Barry go]
Debbie: The scrawny nerdy one with glasses.
[They let Snot go]
Debbie: Steve.

Steve: I want you to "Turn a Trick" with this teddy bear.

Barry: Steve, help Barry!

(Before Steve and his friends get beat up)
Steve: If we're lucky, We might just take a few of them with us!!
(After Steve and his friends get beat up)
Steve: We're not taking any of them with us!!!

Angry Mobster: I'm gonna break the fat one's spine!
Barry: I'm popular.

Pulling Double Booty [4.06][edit]

Francine: Stan, have you been eating the cookie dough again?
Stan: Why, is there still some on my face?
Francine: No.
Stan: Then no.

Avery Bullock: Once again, C.I.A. body-doubles are for work purposes ONLY, people. Using your double to finish making love to a Jet Blue stewardess - because you were too drunk - is a definite no-no! [Glances at Saunders] Saunders...
Saunders: Did you blab? Why'd you tell people?
Saunders' Double: C'mon, it was my first sloppy seconds!
(Stan's Phone Rings)
Stan: Hello?
Francine (V.O.): Stan! Hayley and Jeff broke up!
Stan: So? She breaks up with Jeff at least every other week.
Francine (V.O.): You don't understand! This time, he broke up with her.

[At the mall, Jeff is saved by Stan from some rubble, and they talk about Hayley]
Jeff: ...But why'd she go so crazy?
Stan: Whenever she gets dumped, she completely wigs out. I don't know why; it's always been that way...
[Flashback to kindergarten; Hayley is crushed on by boy named "Jon"; she is happy; new girl arrives, boy crushes on her instead; in response, Hayley destroys classroom, killing the class hamster in the process]
Stan: The autopsy showed the hamster was pregnant...

[Stan carries a limp Hayley riddled with darts into the living room]
Francine: Oh, God! Is she alright?
Stan: She'll be fine; just breathe her with this pump.
[Francine holds Hayley and begins pumping her lungs]
Stan: The police said, if Hayley goes on another rampage, they'll throw her in jail!
Francine: Jail?! She'll never survive! Tiny cells, the gangs, getting shanked in the cafèteria! [Grunts and pretends to stab someone] The first couple stabs break the skin, then they really get in there! [Grunts with effort] And my baby's all, "Auuggh! You bitch; I'll kill you!" [Sits down quietly and continues pumping Hayley's lungs; Stan glares on]
Stan: ...That was a haunting scenlet, Francine.
Francine: ...And we can't prevent it! Hayley has horrible taste in men; she's gonna get broken up with again!
Stan: That's why, from here on out, she doesn't date anyone I don't sign off on.
Francine: [Still pumping] I don't know Stan. I think what she needs right now is our love and support--
[Hayley suddenly awakens, then grabs Francine and throttles her]
Francine: Shoot her! Shoot her in the face!

Hayley: I think he might be the one! I mean, if he dumped me, I don't know what I would do.
Francine [nervously]: You'd be fine!
Hayley: No, I think I'd go maximum crazy! I'd murder Bill... burn down the neighborhood... rape Roger!

Francine: Have f-fun, you two!
Hayley: Don't worry, we will!
[Stan, dressed as Bill, his body double, and Hayley drive away.]
Hayley: 'Cause we're finally going all the way!
[Stan looks increasingly uncomfortable.]
Hayley [rapping]: Doin' it, doin' it, d-d-doin' it! Should we break for lunch? Nope! Let's keep doin' it, doin' it! Someone's at the door! I don't care! We're doin' it, doin' it! Wanna put on our hikin' boots? Yeah! We'll wear 'em while we're doin' it, doin' it!
Hayley [sing-song]: I like the rhythm, it is my method.

(At a forest, Hayley rings Stan's phone, revealing the ruse)
Hayley: Dad?
Stan: (answers it) Uh, hello. Hey, Johnny, yeah. (to Hayley) It's work. (on the phone) Well, look in the book. Is it a warehouse item? (to Hayley, whispers) Five minutes.
Hayley: Dad, you're talking to me on the phone, and in your voice. (after a long pause, Hayley found out what was going on) Oh my God! Are you KIDDING ME?!?!?!?!?!?!?!
Stan: Uh, I love you honey! I said it. See? **Hayley, wait! I can explain! I had a good reason. (Hayley brings out a box of matches) Oh, you grabbed some matches from the hotel-- little keepsake. Now, you don't want to tear one of those out. The serious collector keeps his matchbooks intact. (Hayley rips out a match and stikes it) Oh, now it's worthless.**
**[Only on DVD]

Phantom of the Telethon [4.07][edit]

Roger: Let's try that on the fart setting.

Chimdale [4.08][edit]

Male student in Steve's school: [seeing Steve wearing a back brace for correcting his scoliosis] Different!
[all students start throwing things at Steve]

Roger: Gee, I don’t know Hayley. You think it might have something to do with me being drunk all the time? I’m an alcoholic, I have a problem, I’m just not ready to deal with it yet. But I will, I promise. No more empty promises, no sir—not from this alcoholic. Now hop in the suitcase and first round's on me.
(Hayley crouches in the suitcase and zips it up from the outside)
Hayley (from inside the suitcase): Are these...balloons full of heroin?
Roger (kicks the suitcase): Those are NOT for you!

Stan: Do you have any men's wigs?
Roger: Well I got a David Spade-slash-Ellen DeGeneres, I dunno if it's clean.
···
Guy: Hey look, it's Owen Wilson!

Hayley: That was so close! I think he's onto us!
Roger: Get in your suitcase and don't come out until you hear me say "I'm done, go clean up, you disgust me."

Francine: Oh my neck is killing me—being trapped in this room is stressing me out.
Roger: Look, Frannie, I know you're hurting. I just want you to know I'm here for you andKAH!
Francine: Oh my God. ...I think you fixed it! [collapses] Oohhugh...
Hayley: Mom?
Roger: I don't understand, this shoulda worked! I learned that move from a chiropractor in his van in the alley behind the 7-Eleve—oh boy, I think I raped a guy.

Stan: So now I'm gonna be bald forever, and I'm gonna be a better man in your eyes for it.
Francine: No, not really.
Stan: What?
Hayley: It doesn't matter to us if you've got hair.
Roger: Yeah Stan, I'm bald and I made out with your wife.
Stan: What?!

Stan Time [4.09][edit]

Phillipe: [with heavy French accent] Mr. Francine, I know this must be upsetting. But understand I am a homosexual, yes?... You understand "homosexual"?...Yes?...So you will be loosing your wife not physically. But perhaps, emotionally. [walks into kitchen, Stan sits down on the couch]
Klaus: That guy is a douche, yes? You understand "douche"?...Yes?...

Stan: [after taking the pills] I feel... not buzzed, but... well-rested, like I had a cup of coffee at 6:30 AM. I feel good!

Phillipe: Tu vas etre célèbre! (You'll be famous!)
Francine: "Phillipe, tu sais que ce n'est que le science qui m'interesse." (Phillipe, you know that it is only the science that interests me.)
Stan: You speak French now, too?
Francine: "Un petit peu." (A little bit.)

Family Affair [4.10][edit]

[Roger mistakenly calls Steve "Scotty"]
Steve: Scotty?
Roger: That's my new nickname for you... your favorite Star Trek character!
Steve: What he does isn't glamorous, but he keeps the Enterprise running.

Amusement park guard: Throughout the day he was with nine other families in nine different outfits, the rights to which I doubt he owns.

[Roger confronts the first family he lived with who abandoned him. The family's teenaged son, Tyler, comes home]
Tyler: What's going on?
Roger (sarcastically): Oh, look, it's Tyler -- all grown up like a big shot. (loses the sarcasm as he gives Tyler a onceover): You turned out cute. (suggestively): Real cute! (giggles): Damn it! (continues giggling): I'm -- I'm laughing now 'cuz I'm nervous. (giggles, then tries to catch his breath): Oh, boy, (tugs at the crotch of his pants): these khakis are not getting any looser.

Live and Let Fry [4.11][edit]

Klaus: [to Roger, who is beaten and bruised after his encounter with the East German Mafia] Use your board. Use your board. (Roger scribbles down something on a small chalkboard and shows it to Klaus) "How cute is Daniel Day-Lewis?" (Roger's eyes roll up in his head as he passes out): Oh good. The morphine's starting to work.

Roy Rogers McFreely [4.12][edit]

Stan: An above ground sprinkler on the front lawn! No sir! What's next, prostitutes rising out of the ground and spitting all over our lawns? Well not in my neighborhood!

Stan: Sorry I took so long. I farted pulling into the driveway and I just wanted to enjoy it for a while.

Roger: You know what grenadine turns cold cola into? Roy Rogers! You know what grenadine turns warm cola into? You tell ME when I throw it in your face!

Hayley (after revealing a Ghostbusters 2 tattoo on her chest): I gotta stop smoking salvia at the body paint shop.

Jack's Back [4.13][edit]

Stan: [talking about his camping trip with his dad and son] It was really fun. You should have been there, Francine. I mean, it was a father-son trip so if you had been there it would have ruined everything.

Bar Mitzvah Hustle [4.14][edit]

Steve: See. Thanks to Roger, Etan will think someone's trying to steal the gifts from the car. But that's just a misdirection; the real gifts we're after are the ones in his jacket.
Roger: [whispers to Barry] Scams make me so horny. (Barry looks worried)

Roger: And what Steve doesn't realize is I have a plan of my own. While everyone's focused on Snot, I'll be heading to the bathroom to share a doobie with the busboy in exchange for an angry handy-J.

Wife Insurance [4.15][edit]

Roger: Glock?
Stan: Check.
Roger: Kevlar vest?
Stan: Check.
Roger: Thing you should do to yourself before you wreck yourself?
Stan: Check.

Stan: Hey, lady. Is that your hot air balloon? I need a ride back to the States.
Carolyn: I'm sorry, but that balloon is for offical Guinness business only.
Stan: What if I told you we'd set the record for "Most Spontaneous Cross Atlantic Hot Air Balloon Trip"?
Carolyn: I'm sorry, sir. I can't.
Stan: [pulls out his gun] What if I told you I'm about to set the record for shooting a woman in the face the most times in a row?
Carolyn: Alejandro, fire up the balloon!

Delorean Story-an [4.16][edit]

Stan: Steve, don't ever tell your mom I let you jump from a moving car... twice.
Stan: Really, Steve... look at me....not a word.
Roger: I'm feeling happy already, I am on a lot of prescription pills though.... is that a story? ... No, it's an addiction.
'Stan: I can't do this, it's like shaking hands with a cat.

Every Which Way But Lose [4.17][edit]

Roger (noticing that Steve has a bloody hole where his ear used to be): Steve... before the game, how many ears did you have?

(Steve and Roger walk in on Stan as he hangs himself)
Steve: Oh my God! Dad!
Roger: Wait, he's still breathing. Stan, are you trying to kill yourself or thrill yourself?

Weiner of Our Discontent [4.18][edit]

Stan: [to Roger] Here's the parent company. Here's the subsidiary. Here's the branch of Food Co that presides over Hotdog Hauss. Here's Hotdog Hauss. Here's East Central Division. Here's this warehouse and this tiny little spot here is you.

Daddy Queerest [4.19][edit]

Stan: [drunk] Francine, you need to come home right now. Greg was mean to me!
Tank Bates: What're you talking about, fruit loop? She's Terry's girlfriend.
Stan: No she's not. She's my wife! Greg is Terry's boyfriend!
Tank Bates: ...What?
Stan: Terry and Greg are in love! Your son is gay!
[Terry faints in an overly-cliched manner. his father, confused, catches him]
Stan: See? That's not how a straight guy faints. This is how a straight guy faints!
[collapses forward and lands flat on his face]

Stan's Night Out [4.20][edit]

Stan: Go Biscuit! [the dog hits the wall] Okay, go Cheesers! [mouse runs away] Coward!

Saunders: Hey, come on! Dick! Don't! Dick. Come on, Dick. Why are you doing this, Dick? This isn't you. I want the old Dick back. I don't want bad new Dick. I want good old Dick. Give me the Dick I'm used to. Give me the Dick I love.

Bernie: Hello, line one. You're on with Bernie.
Caller: You son of a bitch. I'm gonna kill you.
[Bernie's eyes widen. Reveal that Stan is calling Bernie as he's having dinner in front of the TV]
Stan: I'm gonna finish this meatloaf, get on a plane to Toronto and shoot you in your lying face.

Season 5[edit]

In Country... Club [5.01][edit]

Hayley: So, how'd the big night turn out?
Roger: It was... there's no word to describe it. Schmooblydong? That's not it, but it's close. Let--let me try and put it in terms you can understand. Imagine being high at a Rusted Root concert while two dudes take you on in a sun-baked porta-john.
Hayley: Wow. That actually does sound really good.
Roger: Yeah. I'd like that too.

Moon Over Isla Island [5.02][edit]

[Stan has taken General Pequeño shopping for new clothes]
Store Clerk: [holding up his uniform] What do you want to do with this Rhythm Nation outfit?

Home Adrone [5.03][edit]

Steve: Wow, uncensored nudity! This game must be from Japan!
Toshi: [in Japanese] Unlikely. Those are women, not underage schoolgirls.

Brains, Brains and Automobiles [5.04][edit]

Roger: Hey, F-Bombs!

(Francine freaks out as she watches a poisoned Roger twitch and moan on the kitchen floor. Stan comes in)

Francine: Oh, my God! Stan!
Stan (as he hides the cannister of rat poison; disgusted): Oh, he's doing his Heath Ledger impression. Too soon, Roger. Too soon.

(Stan is inside Roger's mind. He happens upon a cave with a dying, Jiminy Cricket-esque bug locked in a birdcage)

Stan: Who are you?
Bug (weakly): Roger's conscience.
Stan: Oh, my God. You're dying of neglect.
Bug: Kill me.
(Stan hears moaning from behind him. He turns around and finds Tom Skerritt wrapped up like a fly in a spiderweb)
Stan: Tom Skerritt?
Tom Skerritt (weakly): Get me work.

Francine: Oh, Stan. I hope you don't get lost in there. What if you die? (gasps): I left my soda in the freezer!
(Francine rushes to the kitchen, opens the freezer, and finds a drunken Klaus in his fishbowl)
Klaus (drunk and happy): Francine! Let's do some shots!
Francine: Klaus?! What you do doing in there?
Klaus: Stan put me in two days ago. The only reason I didn't freeze to death because I filled mein bowl with that bottle of vodka.
Francine: Why'd he put you in the freezer?
Klaus (belligerently): Oh, I'll tell you why. He -- (vomits so much that it fills the fishbowl)

Man in the Moonbounce [5.05][edit]

Stan: When I turned 14, I took fiduciary responsibility for my mothers 401K. We discussed over Italian food. I had my first espresso, it kept me up all night. I fell asleep at dawn for five minutes and had a stress dream about the house burning down. Pretty good birthday.

(Stan comes home from his extended stay in prison)

Roger: There he is! You owe me big, Mr. Hard Time. Who gotcha two more months of goofin' around? (points to himself): I did, is who. (walks towards an increasingly pissed-off Stan): Get inside this hu--(Stan decks Roger in the face before he can finish his sentence).

Shallow Vows [5.06][edit]

Roger: Great I'll put it on the DVD extras along with the musicologist touching you in the bath.

[Francine looks mad]

Roger: No I'm totally kidding! (to Stan) At least I think I'm kidding, I left him alone with her for half an hour while I took a nap.

Stan: [about Francine] God she scared me, you see that I almost punched her in the face!
Roger: Stan, remember the first rule of every wedding is that the bride is beautiful. The second rule you can find on my website. You have be eighteen to log on. I have some sexy barnyard stuff on there that is not for everyone -- I could get into a lot of trouble. If you do decide to check it out you need clear your history right away; you may have to uninstall your browser. I'm telling you scrub that thing clean. If you think you're being too cautious, you're not: they will take us both to jail.

Roger: You got the gift? (reads label) Oh, from Landon's de-lovely!

[Sees it's only a thimble]

Steve: You can put it in a curro case, you can sew with it, a little mouse could wear it for hat.

[Roger throws it on ground and stomps on it, walks away and comes back as Veleak]

Roger: Ze boy is to die first! (cuts Steve's chest)

My Morning Straitjacket [5.07][edit]

Francine: Why is anger the only emotion you can express?
Stan: Because people make me mad all the time for being stupid about everything! Now pass me the fucking sweet potatoes!

Roger: Spoiler alert, the sweet potatoes SUCK! How'd you get the sweet out of the potatoes, Frannie?

G-String Circus [5.08][edit]

Bullock: Gentlemen do what ever it takes to empty our coffers.
Lap dances, champagne dances, shower dances.
Oh, the things you can buy for a hand full of bills.
It makes me excited.
It gives me the chills.
They'll be filcher rubs, breeders, hambones and tweeners
Zobos and debos and blorps that go, "Eenahs!"
For a one dollar bill
You can pull down their zippers.
I am the Snorlax
I speak for the strippers!

Rapture's Delight [5.09][edit]

Roger: Oh, I love your religion ... for the crazy! Virgin birth. Water into wine. It's like Harry Potter, but it causes genocide and bad folk music.

Roger: Oh, my God! The homeless guy from the bus station is hung (Pause) But I knew that.

Roger: Alright, someone call Mel Gibson and apologize, and then call Tim Robbins and tell him I banged Susan Sarandon, he'll know what it means.

Ricky the Raptor: Hi kids, I'm Ricky the Raptor, here to tell you about the Rapture.

Roger: *Gasp* I dropped my meatball in the pool!

Jesus: Ah, an alien. One of my father's side projects.

Terry Bates: You may notice that my partner Greg isn't here. That's because he was Raptured. Apparently, God does love gays but only if they're "tops". Take it in the behind, you get left behind.

Stan Smith: We can't use the open road. It's too dangerous.
Jesus Christ: What if we journey through Sector 16?
Stan Smith: Sector 16? The perfect man just proposed the perfect way to die.
Jesus Christ: Fine. What about Sector 35?
Stan Smith: Sector 35 makes Sector 16 look like Sector 48!

Don't Look a Smith Horse in the Mouth [5.10][edit]

Steve: All right, just give birth the ferret baby and put it in the bucket-- it's worth 50 points

Snot: Oh, Steve! We've been playing "Animal Midwife" for two years! When are you gonna get some new games?
Steve: Maybe we should go to your place and play "Let's Watch Your Mom Sober Up Before She Has to Go to Her Nursing Job".
Barry: Ouch.

A Jones for a Smith [5.11][edit]

Crackhead Booboo: Hey! As long as you're giving out crack, how 'bout you throw a little ding-a-dong ding ding ol' Crackhead Booboo's way?
Dealer: Not now, Mom. I'm working.

The Return of the Bling [5.13][edit]

Stan: Oh, son. Every day with you is like a punch in the nads.

(Stan is in Roger's hotel room, still in awe that Roger was part of the 1980 "Miracle on Ice" Olympic hockey team)

Stan: Oh, my God! Roger is my hero!
(Roger is asleep on the hotel bed. He wakes up and finds Stan sitting across from him)
Roger: Stan, who the hell are you talking to? Are you just sitting in the dark watching me? Oh God, were you yanking it over my sleeping form? Oh you sick -- (notices lipstick marks all over his body): What the? (pulls back the covers to reveal a naked, sleeping fat woman): You always get what you want, doncha, Helen? Bravo.

(Stan grabs the Olympic gold medal from Roger at the hostel)

Stan: You lying, thieving cheater! You're gonna get what you deserve! Where do they keep the British tourist girls?

Cops and Roger [5.14][edit]

Stan: Roger's a dirty cop. He's been on the force for three hours!

(Roger is crying over not being strong and begs Stan to help him)

Stan: I always knew this day would come. Except I'd be hearing it from my son and not an alien in a sports bra.
Roger (sobbing): It's a support tank. It's too small. It rode up my belly.

(Roger takes his first police academy exam and fails it)

Roger: What, no way! Wait, why is this wrong? Next to "Miranda Rights," I wrote, "Miranda has the right to a decent man who will help her raise her baby." Are these questions not about Sex and the City?

Merlot Down Dirty Shame [5.15][edit]

Breakfast Haus waiter: Y'all have enough time?
Roger: I'll have two eggs – one over easy, one over medium – three sausage links, a cup of cottage cheese with a drizzle of honey, a fruit cup – unless it's mostly honeydew melon, in which case skip it and make it half a grapefruit, a glass of whole milk over ice and a side of toast, barely browned – closer to bread than toast, I'm not joking – with as many local jams as you have in stock. Oh, and a Bloody Mary.
Breakfast Haus waiter: We don't serve alcohol.
[scene changes to Café Olé]

Bully for Steve [5.16][edit]

Jeff: How's you huge vagina?
Hayley: Oh, yerhujeva? She's good. She's back in Croatia for the winter with the rest of the Gina family.

An Incident at Owl Creek [5.17][edit]

Roger (after Stan tells his 'three rings of marriage' joke): That's not a good joke because it's not racist.

Great Space Roaster [5.18][edit]

Roger: You're gonna to roast each other. And your zingers better be mean. If you try any weak sauce, I'm gonna give you such a zots. [With a remote, he buzzes Stan] Now, Stan, roast Hayley. [Zots!] You feel that zots?!
Stan: Uh, Hayley, you're not very smart and you smoke a lot of pot.
Roger: [another buzz] Zots!
Stan: Uh, okay. Hayley, I secretly wish you were Benjamin Button, and you were aging backwards, and your life was almost over.
Roger: [laughing with Klaus] Oh, yeah! Insults in the form of jokes. So how's it feel, Hayley? Not too bueno, I bet. Now you do Steve.
Hayley: Steve, you will never get laid. There is nothing attractive about you. You have the sex appeal of the cancer ward in a pediatric hospital.
Klaus: [laughing] Oh!
Roger: Hayley coming in with a groaner. Nice. Okay, Steve, let's see you give it to your mama.
Steve: Mom, you are not smart. I don't tell "yo mama's so dumb" jokes. I tell "my mama's so dumb" jokes. Example: my mama's so dumb, I don't tell "yo mama's so dumb" jokes. I tell "my mama's so dumb" jokes.
Roger: I love it. Francine, take the pain and throw it right at Stan. Do it!
Francine: Stan, you have the undeserved ego of Jeremy Piven, the annoying self-righteousness of Sean Penn, and the unbearable hypocrisy of Rush Limbaugh. What I'm trying to say is, you're almost as bad a person as Rachael Ray.

Roger: I'm crying like Francine when she watches Grey's Anatomy.
Francine: I just feel so sorry for those poor actors.

Klaus: (From the living room) Guys! Get in here! The porn channel's coming in for some reason!
(Stan, Hayley, Francine, and Steve run to the living room)
Francine: (while watching the porn) Nice.
(An explosion comes from the kitchen. The family coughs and comes up from the rubble)
Francine: Is everyone okay?
Klaus (woozily): Did we lose the porn?

Season 6[edit]

100 A.D. [6.01][edit]

Announcer: Tonight in honor of the 100th episode of American Dad!, tragedy will strike Langley Falls with death! 100 times! [A death counter appears with a silhouette of Roger as the Grim Reaper.] That's right! 100 of the characters you've come to know and love will die!
[Roger steps in front of the curtain looking and laughing like the Crypt Keeper until he coughs and holds up a cigarette.]
Roger: For Pete's sake, these things are gonna kill me. [the counter almost goes up to "001" until Roger hits it] But not tonight! No, tonight, we're gonna find out "Who Shot Mr. Burns"! [to someone offstage] What? Fifteen years ago? Who was it? ... Really, the baby?! [sighs] I want a baby.

Steve: Okay, how about this for a case: Wheels's ex comes to town, looking for whoever poisoned her race horse.
[Roger gives an uncertain mumble. Steve thinks for a moment, then comes up with a new idea for a case.]
Steve: Hey, what if I'm visited by the ghost of my dead father, who also used to be a detective?
Roger: So we're just saying the first thing that comes into our minds? Okay. Tickle monster!
Steve: [To someone invisible beside him] I know, Dad, I have to deal with this every day at the agency.
Roger: YOUR GHOST FATHER IS NOT HERE!!!
Steve: Oh no? Then who's... [gets up from his wheelchair] ...possessing me!?
[Steve begins slapping Roger in the face over and over by flapping his arm by Roger's face.]
Roger: Stop it... Stop it, Wheels... Stop it...! Wheels...! STOP IT, WHEELS'S FATHER!!!

[Jeff and Hayley are in Hayley's high school]
Hayley: Jeff, what are you doing here?
Jeff: Look-
Science Teacher: [cuts Jeff off] Hey! [Camera pans out to show him standing beside a blackboard which has 2 + 2 = 4 on it.] Who solved my theorum? Which one of you is the genius?! [points to the Slow Janitor, who is holding a piece of chalk.] You there!!

[Stan groans and wakes up, on the kitchen floor with a cut on his head.]
Francine: Stan?
Stan: Did I... Did I turn back time?
Francine: No. You fainted and bashed your head on the counter.
Stan: I'm-I'm pretty sure I turned back time. You must be Francine's grandmother! One day, your granddaughter will make me a moderately happy man.

[Stan reveals a huge computer behind a bookshelf]
Stan: I had tracking devices implanted in the base of the kids' skulls when they were born. Hayley's heading north! It's only forty minutes away!
Francine: Let's go! Which way is north!
Stan: [points straight ahead] That way!
[Francine runs straight ahead into the wall]
Francine: It's a dead end!

Hayley: Jeff, I don't wanna go to Mexico! Okay, that's your plan! We need a plan we can both be excited about!
Jeff: A new plan... New Mexico!

Newswoman: A $50,000 reward to anyone who can stop the marriage! The girl has been described as a likely women's studies major and probable roller derby captain, while the male is your classic run-of-the-male stoner. Here is an artist's rendering of the couple. [Shows a rendering of Velma and Shaggy from Scooby-Doo.]
Jeff: Zoinks!

Francine: You piece of shit! You're gonna break my daughter's heart for fifty thousand dollars?!
Stan: Francine, you're too angry right now. [takes some money out of the briefcase] Go buy yourself some nuts and jerky. [to Jeff] You're buying my wife some nuts and jerky.
Francine: I'm gonna buy some nuts and jerky you piece of shit!
Jeff: [Stan hands him the case] Wow! Hundred dollar bills! Hello, President Shakespeare.

Reginald: Now you gonna apologize?
Bullock: I apologize... to the maids at the Red Roof Inn who had to clean the curtains after I wiped Hayley's excitement all over them!
Reginald: [shocked] You have a mother...and you just said all that. I'm gonna call your mother and tell her you just said that.
[Reginald grabs Bullock's cell phone and runs off with it]
Bullock: [strained] Don't.

Roger: [comes into the car with a shopping bag] Alright, I've got everything we need. [Takes the items out] Chocolate milk, some cheese puffs, and some Turkish amphetamines I scored in the bathroom.
Steve: Whoa! Whoa, Legs, you sure that's a good idea?
Roger: I've never been more sure of anything in my life. [Takes a turkey baster of the amphetamines and puts a drop of it in his eye.] See? Everything's in moderation. [reaches for the bag of cheese puffs] Now, I'm gonna have five cheese puffs. No more.
[Cuts to some time later. Roger is stoned and driving the car crazily while stuffing cheese puffs, with a concerned Steve and Klaus.]
Steve: Legs, please, just pull over!
Roger: Why are you calling me Legs?! Is there something wrong with my legs? Is that why there's a wheelchair in the car?!! WHAT DID YOU DO TO MY LEGS YOU NAZI WALRUS BASTARD?!!!
[Roger's P.O.V. It is shown that he is seeing Steve as a walrus in Nazi attire, and Klaus as Garfield stuffed in Klaus's fish bowl.]
Klaus/Garfield: Steve, who is he talking to?
Roger: Shut up, Garfield! Why-wh-why do you- Why do you hate Mondays? You don't even work!

[Roger, Steve and Klaus are still in the car. Steve is crying, the car is badly damaged and smashed up, and Roger is disheveled but no longer stoned.]
Roger: Well, that was quite a ride Wheels, but I think I got us there.
[The camera pans out to show that the car is on a barge in a river in Korea.]
Roger: Hey, I see Hayley! [It is shown that Roger has actually seen an obese Korean man in a nearby boat, with similar clothes and hair to Hayley.] Don't marry Jeff! Case, closed.

Principal Lewis: Bitch, what are you crying about?! I was counting on that money! I can't go back to work now! I took a deuce on my desk! [Rips off his suit] Fuck. Y'all!!!

Francine: [after finding out what Hayley did] That weaselly little sneak.

Francine (irritated): Jeff's serenading Hayley again.
Stan: I'm gonna shoot him in the throat.
Francine: Stan, WAIT!...........I wanna watch.

Son of Stan [6.02][edit]

Steve: Gotta go put a popsicle on the ol' starfish.

(Roger finds his way to Thailand and talks to a passing beach waiter)
Roger: I'll have three twelve-year-old boys, no MSG.

(Hayley and Jeff knock Roger into the pool and escape on a helicopter rope ladder)
Roger (as he climbs out of the pool; to Hayley and Jeff): Are you crazy pushing me in the pool?! I have forty hits of ecstacy in my pocket! (to the kids in the pool): Buckle up, kids. (to the parents at poolside): They're gonna have to go to the hospital.

Best Little Horror House in Langley Falls [6.03][edit]

Steve: Hommina, hommina, hommina, hommina, boner!

Stan: Then maybe later I'll introduce her to... THE THICK-NESSSSSSS!!

Stan's Food Restaurant [6.04][edit]

Stan: What is this?
Roger: Your dream restaurant. Roger's Laotian Adventure.
Stan: What about my scale model?
Roger: Stan, it took quite a bit of doing...but I managed to wipe my butt with it.

Francine: So you weren't molested?
Stan: No, that wasn't until four or five years later. (cut to flashback of young Stan clutching fearfully to a swinging rope as a priest wearing nothing but a clerical collar and swimming trunks grabs for him, waiting for Stan to let go): It was my first week at Christian camp. But I'm not ready to talk about Father Roy.

Johnson's Waiter: Hey, little guy. I heard your dad walked out on ya, 'cause he didn't love you enough to stay. But I know what will make you feel better.
Stan: [narrating] At that moment, I was a hundred percent sure I was gonna get molested. But it was even better.

Sign Hung Outside Stan's Restaurant by Roger: "Our Clumsy Cooks Have AIDS!"

White Rice [6.05][edit]

Klaus: [talking to the new fish in the bowl] Hi, I'm Klaus. What's your sign? Pisces?

Francine: You know why Chinese couples can't have their own Caucasian babies? Because two Wongs don't make a white.

Francine: In 1st grade, they sent me home with lice. My parents said "Oh, 'cause she has lice. She has it for runch everyday." I can say it, you can't.

There Will Be Bad Blood [6.06][edit]

Roger: This bar has absolutely everything. Oh my God, Absolute Everything!

Stan: C'mon Uncle Cathy, it's time to go!
Roger: Nooo! It's Sammy Hagar's Jägermeister! Haygermeister! [pops top]
Jägermeister: YEAAAHH, BAAABAAAYY!!!

Hayley: After we ran out of money, Jeff suggested that we prostitute ourselves. At first, Jeff was saying he was only going to do women, but then... that wasn't working out. So, long short story, Jeff's on butt rest, and we moved to the desert.

Stan: Francine, touch me.
Francine: What?
Stan: Touch me. It'll provide us with all the warmth we need. I saw it on Man vs. Wild. That feels amazing.
Francine: I'm not touching you.
Roger: I am.
Stan: That feels amazing.

Stan: That bathroom is amazing. A gold toilet? And I can't believe you have a servant just to wipe your butt.
Rusty: Um, I don't...
Stan: Oh, explains the attitude and why he did such a a slapdash job.

The People vs. Martin Sugar [6.07][edit]

Francine: Look, it's not even my rule; it's your Dad's. You think I wouldn't want to spark up a doober every now and then? [drifts off, contently] Just take a nice, slow, extra-careful drive?
Hayley: But Mom...
Jeff: [to Hayley] It's okay, Hayley. I can handle it. I mean, weed's the thing I care about the most...but...maybe that should be you.
[Hayley sighs]
Francine: Thanks, Jeff! [slumps over, frustrated] MAN! You got me thinkin' about weed now. That stuff makes me want to drink so much soda! [looks off, wistfully] I smoke a bone, then I drink a two liter of Sunkist in like a second. Freaks people out...
[loudly takes a long sip of coffee while Jeff and Hayley stare, silently]

Stan: ...and the number one dog on my fictitious dog list is Brian Griffin.
Brian: (appears next to Stan with a martini in paw; stares at Stan and scoffs) Uh, do I know you? (walks away)
Stan: Stop pretending I don't exist!

Juror: Hey, it's me. I'm gonna be late. Can you TiVo Ass Rangers 4 for me? Thanks, hon. Now, put mommy on the phone.

For Whom the Sleigh Bells Toll [6.08][edit]

Stan: [simultaneously demomstrating with a rifle] Steve, shooting a gun is like being intimate with a woman. First, you inspect it to make sure it's clean. Then you grab it on the butt and jam the magazine in. If it doesn't fit, make it.

Fart-Break Hotel [6.09][edit]

[Steve looks back to see a painting. he walks towards it]
Héctor Elizondo: Bewitching, isn't she?
Steve: I know you. Weren't you the concierge in Pretty Woman?
Héctor Elizondo: Yes. I'm Héctor Elizondo. I play the concierge in over 400 movies and TV pilots. Acting pays the bills so I can pursue my true passion. Conciergeing.

Stanny Boy and Frantastic [6.10][edit]

Tom: Hey, Stanny Boy! Frantastic! Get up here, the view is amazing!
Stan: Did you hear that? They gave us nicknames! The only nickname I ever got was in eighth grade. They called me Stan Frank because I was always hiding and writing in my diary.

A Piñata Named Desire [6.11][edit]

Stan (as he bends a cross-dressed Roger over the table during the play): I'm gonna act the crap outta you!

(after Stan and Roger are arrested for public indecency)

Francine: I don't get it, they're friends again?
Hayley: Told you. They just needed to fuck.

Hayley: [to Stan and Roger] Yeah, you guys should just fuck and get it over with. Clearly, you have repressed sexual feelings for each other that you're channeling into hostility.

Stan: This is Sparta!
Roger: This is Sparta!
Stan: This is Sparta!
Roger: This is Sparta!
Jimmy: [off-screen] This is Sparta!
Roger: Shut up Jimmy, you don't know what we're doing!

You Debt Your Life [6.12][edit]

Francine: Damn it, Roger. Take him to the hospital!
Roger: Franny, we've been over this. I can't take Stan to the hospital because then a doctor would save him. To restore the life debt, I have to save him.
Francine: This is crazy!!
Roger: Well I think you're crazy, see ain't that hurtful?
Francine: You son of a bitch. I'm gonna rip your fuckin' throat out!!
Roger: Oh, so it ends with you being the potty mouth so I'm hanging up.

[Francine pulls up]
Francine: Sorry things didn't work out with your new roommate, Roger.
Roger: I tell you, it's a cruel, cruel world out here. Did you know I saw a man beat down another man today for a sandwich? A sandwich, Francine. [shows a sub] This sandwich. [eats it] I wish I could just come home.
Francine: So come home. We want you there.
Roger: Stan doesn't. As far as he's concerned, the only reason I was living there was the life debt he owed me. And now it's repayed.
Francine: Forget about the life debt. Stan's too proud to admit he misses you, but I know he does. Hey! What if you offered to pay rent? Then Stan would have a perfect excuse to take you back.
Roger: You know, that could actually work. I don't mind paying a little rent. All right, I'm coming home! [throws the sub at a pedestrian] Hi, kids.

(Roger meets Andy Dick)

Roger: Oh my God, another fey, pansexual, alcoholic non-human! I've been replaced!

(Roger is staying in the locker room of a YMCA)
Francine: I got your message that you were staying here? Roger, this YMCA stopped renting out rooms, like, 30 years ago.
Roger: What? I just put up all my pictures. (shows Francine photos of him dressed as a pigtailed, redheaded girl riding and playing with a horse)
Francine: Oh, I wish you and Stan could just patch things up.
Roger: It's too late. (sits on the locker room bench next to a man facing his locker and wearing a towel): I've been replaced! (sobs)
(The man next to him turns around and Roger uses the corner of his towel to wipe his tears. Roger gets a look at the man's crotch)
Roger (suggestively): Good for you.

I Am the Walrus [6.13][edit]

Steve: I'm coming for you, old man!

Principal Lewis (introducing Hayley and Jeff to his house): Welcome to my home. As you can see, it is a shithole. But, it's a good arena for bonding activities and a constant reminder of what happens when you try to smack some sense into your lady.
Hayley: You're a marriage counselor.
Principal Lewis: Step one on your path to a happier marriage: you have 45 minutes to clean this room, but you can't talk to each other. Not one word. Trust me on this.
Hayley (to Jeff): Let's go Jeff. This isn't real.
Principal Lewis (draws a gun on her): It just got real, bitch! Now clean my house!

School Lies [6.14][edit]

[Stan and Roger arrive at the Stuffington Academy]
Stan: Here we are, Stuffington Academy. I'm glad we were able to come to an agreement on this. Have a good day at school, "son".
Roger: I'm already having a good day 'cause you called me son. Now give me a kiss. Kiss me on the lips, "Dad". I want that kind of relationship with you. [opens the door] You thought about it I saw it. [closes the door]

License to Till [6.15][edit]

Stan: Would the guys at REI rather be camping right now?

Jenny Fromdabloc [6.16][edit]

Principal Lewis: His eyes are red from smoking weed!
Steve: I really can't believe you're an educator, Brian...
Principal Lewis: Ehh... my job is really more administrative.

(Roger as Jenny Fromdabloc is crying as she reads the inscription on the stress ball)
Roger/Jenny: "Sons of Tucson: New on FOX"? When was this on? I watch FOX all the time. I never saw this!

Home Wrecker [6.17][edit]

Barry: NEVER TOUCH A FAT BOY'S CANDY!

Stan: First of all, don't pretend you're married. It implies equality.

Flirting with Disaster [6.18][edit]

Butch (repeated line): But seriously, anyone know anything about any launch codes?

Gorillas in the Mist [6.19][edit]

Steve: Purple hat, Dad, PURPLE HAT!

Stan: He said meet his ass down here. So I met his ass down here!

Reginald Koala (as he's getting arrested): They got me ya'll! WATCH MY BOAT!

Stan: "Bros before hos," Steve. Brothers before whores all day long!
Steve: And Mom is the whore in that situation?
Stan: All day long.

Season 7[edit]

Hot Water [7.01][edit]

Cee Lo Green: Well, hello there. My name...It's not important. Well, what is is the next half hour. You're gonna see a cautionary tale that may greatly influence your next hot tub purchase.

Steve: Gee, Dad. I'd like to get in the hot tub too. But I can't 'cause I'm pretty sure my parents jizzed in it last night!

Principal Lewis: [on answering machine] Hey, it's Lewis. I can never find the damn phone. [Principal Lewis starts frantically searching for the phone]
Marguerite: [on the phone] Lewis, it's the hot tub. I did some research, man. It used to have a stripper pole in it. They banned it because some tubs, when they get struck by lightning, they come alive! The hot tub is alive, and it escaped from a mental institution, and did some rapes...
Principal Lewis: [who has been searching for the phone and found it in the freezer in the ice cream] What are you saying, Marguerite?
Marguerite: [over phone still] I'm saying, the hot tub, is a murderer.

Hurricane! [7.02][edit]

Stan: See what a good wife Jeff is, Francine?

Roger: My wine fridge! I had my cocaine in there!

Roger: [Picking up a wig]: Thank God this one survived. I can still go to cowboy weddings.

Steve: It's hungry for flesh and knowledge!

Francine: The best thing you can do for your family is stand back and do nothing.
Stan: Francine, let's be honest, that's not going to happen.

Girlfriend: Were going to have so many babys.
Roger: [Pushes her head slowly under water] No, no, no, no.

Stan Smith: [sighs] What a day.
Cleveland Brown: [off-screen] Tell me about it.
[Stan turns to see Cleveland and we pull back to reveal the Brown house next to the Smith house as Cleveland walks up to Stan]
Cleveland Brown: I don't even know where the hell I am.
Stan Smith: [pulls out a gun] Looter!
Cleveland Brown: [also pulls out a gun] Self-defense!
[Two guns are heard cocking and we pan to see Peter Griffin aiming at Stan and Cleveland]
Peter Griffin: A black and a white talking as if it's normal!
[We pull back to reveal the Griffin house next to the Brown and Smith houses as Peter walks up to Stan and Cleveland]
Cleveland Brown: Peter, what are you doing? You know me!
Peter Griffin: Everybody, shut up and let me think! Just let me think!
[Francine comes out the front door]
Francine Smith: Stan, have you...

[Stan accidentally shoots at Francine, causing her to fall down and moan]

Peter Griffin: [laughs] Oh, man. Classic "American Dad".

A Ward Show [7.03][edit]

Superintendent: It's come to my attention that you've been letting one of your students skip classes, miss tests and hang out in the teacher's lounge. I'm sorry, Brian. This is bad. I hate to say it, but...
Roger: You're fired!
Principal Lewis: Is that what you intended to say, superintendent?
Superintendent: That's what I super-intended to say.
Roger: Yay!

The Worst Stan [7.04][edit]

Principal Lewis: Sweets, you killed my master!

Stan: Stop! You can't marry this woman!
Principal Lewis: Wachoo talkin' bout, Stan?

Virtual In-Stanity [7.05][edit]

[Stan comes in, dressed for the ball game]
Stan: Good morning, kiddo. Sorry again about missing your birthday. What do you say I take you to a ball game?
[holds up tickets]
Steve: Sorry, man. Got other plans.
Stan: What's the problem? I'm trying to bond with him.
Francine: Well, you're too late. Steve's at the age where he doesn't care about going to a ball game with his dad. All he's interested in is girls. He doesn't want ball games, he just wants to ball dames. Huh? Huh?
Stan: Ahh. [laughs] Ah-hah. Ohh.

The Scarlett Getter [7.06][edit]

Francine: Dan Ansom Handsome gives me quite the wide-on.

Stan: Oh boner, not now.

Season's Beatings [7.07][edit]

Roger: Ah, you dumb son of a bitch! No, that's not Roland Chang. You're doing great!

Stan (as he's beating up Roger, who was chosen to play Jesus in the Christmas play): You don't deserve to be on that cross, you lazy, wine-loving bisexual!

(Stan comes home bloodied from his fight with Roger as Jesus)
Francine: Stan, what happened to you?
Stan (looks down at his blood-soaked Santa suit): I sat next to Courtney Love on the bus and she sneezed.

Pope (on a hamburger phone as he's watching the news footage of Stan beating up Roger): Are you seeing this shit?

(after Stan breaks the cross for the Christmas pageant)
Stage Hand: Well, that's just great. Now what am I supposed to burn on my ethnic neighbor's lawn?

The Unbrave One [7.08][edit]

(A mysterious Internet doctor known as Dr. Vadgers is replying to Francine's email on her latest pregnancy test results. Cut to reveal that "Dr. Vadgers" is actually Glenn Quagmire from Family Guy, wearing his airline pilot's cap and nothing else)

Quagmire: Giggity.

Stanny Tendergrass [7.09][edit]

[Francine is sunbathing]
Francine: Seriously, I'm gonna die one day and I want to make sure I left something behind that can be proud of.
Klaus: What about your kids?
Francine: Nah. [sets her margarita on the table and lifts her sunglasses up] I'm talking about something more permanent. I want to invent a catchphrase. Something is perfound as... all that and a bag of chips!
Klaus: Oh, come on. Don't you think everyone has tried coming up with a catchphrase? It's next to impossible.
Francine: Well, Klaus. I'm gonna do it. And... you can put that frog in the cassarole.
Klaus: [sighs] Bitch.

(Steve just drank and threw away Stan's can of soda)

Steve: I didn't like the last half, it's not as effervescent. Nope, the bottom's not for me; I'm what they call a top. [Roger's eyes widen at Steve's unintentionally suggestive line]
Stan: I can't believe you drank my soda that I bought with money I earned.
Steve: Oh, I'm sorry, Dad. I didn't know you wanted it. (waves his fingers in Stan's face): Here, my fingers are still sticky. You can suck on them if you want.
Roger [staring at Steve's fingers, clearly aroused]: Well, I'll be upstairs melting pearls on my tummy if you need me.

(after Roger reveals that he was the girl who kissed Steve at a Spin-the-Bottle party)
Steve: YOU were Alicia Wilkner?! We went on seven dates!
Roger: Nine. I roofied you on that last two. Nothing happened. Wink-wink.

Wheels & the Legman and the Case of Grandpa's Key [7.10][edit]

[Stan is riding a bike and using it as a unicycle]
Roger: Wheels, may I speak with you? Papa Wheely, why don't you go fill out your HR forms. Teddy Bonkers will help you.
Stan: Th-- the teddy bear?
Roger: Teddy bear! His name is Theodore Bonkers. He's not the smartest guy, but he tries harder than anyone I've ever met. I've met Ed Burns.
Steve: Just go with it.
[Stan rides his bike like a unicycle to read the clipboard and gets out a pen]
Roger: What the hell, Wheels?
Steve: He was so excited. I... I couldn't let him down.
Stan: Uh, it says "List previous work experience or draw a picture of a cowboy." I can't draw a cowboy. Is a pirate acceptable?
Roger: Yes.

Old Stan in the Mountain [7.11][edit]

Hayley: [to Stan] That phrase the old man said to you was in Latin. But, uh, I can't find the translation.
Klaus: What did he say exactly?
Hayley: Um, it was something...[says something in Latin]
Klaus: [says the correct phrase in Latin] It means, "Walk in my shoes and you will know." It's a really good hex.
Stan: How do you know so much about hexes?
Klaus: I do a lot of reading, you know, 'cause I sit in the fucking bowl all fucking day.

The Wrestler [7.12][edit]

Stan: The point is is you wanna get anywhere in life, you'll have to join the wrestling team.
Steve: Gee, Dad. That sounds great. Oh, no. The school doesn't have a wrestling program anymore. Aah, squigglebottom!
Stan: What? I am outraged!
Roger: Well, take your outraged elsewhere. I have another group coming through. We'll exit through the gift shop [they walk over to the counter and he takes out a CD] Make sure to check out our Stan Smith: Pan Flute Rain Forest Music [pan flute plays] Each song sounds the same. It somehow manages to be worse than the less.

Principal Lewis: Kid's got shaky hands. His parents got a divorce because his mom got caught banging some black guy named THIS BIG MAMMA JAMMA RIGHT HERE!!

Dr. Klaustus [7.13][edit]

Francine: Stop talking, fish.

Steve: Au revoir, les enfants! That means, "fuck you!"

Stan's Best Friend [7.14][edit]

[Stan is in the living room and petting Kisses]
Stan: You're soft. Like a detergent bear. Oh, and look. There's a little ear. [scratches his ear] Who likes a scratch? Who likes an ear scratch? Huh? [pets him again and gets out his cell phone] Just gonna snap a pic for Steve. It's for him, not for me. [Kisses yawns] Oh, my god. What a cute little yawn. What a cute little baby. [pets him once more]
[it is now morning as Kisses fetches the frisbee to Steve. Steve kneels down and gives it to Stan]
Stan: You were right, Francine. It feels so good to love a dog again.

Less Money, Mo' Problems [7.15][edit]

[tires screech and a gunshot is heard off-screen while Stan and Francine are sleeping. Stan covers his ears and can't take the noise]
Stan: [sighs annoyedly] Jeff and Hayley are killing me.
Francine: [sleeping] I don't care if you are Sean Connery. That's my jet ski.
[Stan gets out of bed. Jeff and Hayley are watching TV and Jeff eats a piece of pizza]
Stan: You know what time it is.
Jeff: Shh.
Hayley: Dad, Jeff worked a long day. And now all he wants to do is watch Bones and relax.
Seeley Booth: Hey, Bones. Look at this bone.
Temperance Brennan: I know. But did you see this bone?
Booth: Where'd you find that bone?
Brennan: Same place you got your bone. It was just sitting there, next to this bone.
Woman: Dr. Brennan, bone call. They said it was important. Something about a bone.
[Stan rolls his eyes]

Francine: All right, a reverse BM it is. Hey, that came out funny *gasp* Was that a joke, do ya think?

Francine: We can't ride the bus, we're white!

Jonah: Those pizza bagels are my life. I make those tiny bagels by hand.

Billy: A fake rock? This world would never ceases to amaze and inspire me!

The Kidney Stays in the Picture [7.16][edit]

[Hayley is in the hospital]
Stan: I...might not be Hayley's father? You've cheated on me?
Francine: I'm sorry. It happened a few days before our wedding at my bachelorette party.
Stan: A few days before the wedding? While I was dealing with small details that ultimately made of the most beautiful day of my life? A box of flip-flops so the girls could dance.
Francine: I was freaking out that my life was changing. I was going from being this party girl to being someone's wife. And I got drunk and [sighs] It was the biggest mistake I ever made. Can you ever forgive me?
[Stan comes close to her]
Stan: You... big... whore. I don't know why I'm holding you like this. It must be very confusing.
Doctor: Mr. and Mrs. Smith, bad news. Your daughter's second kidney's only working at 20%.

Ricky Spanish [7.17][edit]

Roger: Damn, I look good. Tilda Swinton good.

Roger: You really think I can change?
Steve: Bitch, what did I just say?

Toy Whorey [7.18][edit]

Roger: [high-pitched voice after breathing in a helium balloon] When I was a little girl, Grover Cleveland was president.

Season 8[edit]

Love, AD Style [8.01][edit]

Roger: I think I grabbed the helium tank.

Roger: This is just the place Langley Falls needs.
Klaus: If they need it so much, why is no one here?
Roger: I'm going to eat you one day.

Roger: Potato bread!
[opens empty bread bag and walks up to Hayley]
Roger: You worthless piece of shit.

Roger: I just want to be as close to you as possible... Like John and Yoko... You're Yoko.

Killer Vacation [8.02][edit]

[Francine aims a gun at Hayley and Jeff and pretends to shoot them]
Francine: Should've done that a long time ago.

Hayley: So that was hotel sex. Still terrible.

Francine: So who do we have to kill?
Stan: Joe, the activities doctor.
Francine: Aw, but he's got such a sweet smile... I'm gonna shoot him in his face.

Steve: You sound smart like Hugh Grant the movie star, but you're stupid like Hugh Grant the person!

Stan: ...that guy.

Can I Be Frank (With You) [8.03][edit]

Avery Bullock: No one's that perfect and farts that deep.

Roger: I have equipped you with a mechanical voice box that will disguise your voice and make you sound like a man. I've also given you a micropenis, like most Chicago men.

Barry: Girl, you're gonna feel a little prick.

Frank: But Stan...
Stan: The only "but" is the butt of my gun!
Frank: What?
Stan: Just know, it was super-clever.

American Stepdad [8.04][edit]

[Roger, Stan, Betty and Francine all hold hands]
Roger: God, are you there? It's me, Tom Yabo. [closes his eyes] I just wanna say thank you for sending me such an amazing woman and unbelievably generous to her. I mean, her giving to receiving ratio is like 3-1 minimum. Amen. So, Stan, how was work today?
[Betty hands him sweet potatoes]
Stan: Fun.
Betty: Stan, you speak up and look at Tom when he's asking you a question.
Stan: [louder] It was fine, okay?! [spits out his sweet potatoes]
Betty: Stan, I worked really hard on this meal.
Stan: Well, it's gross, and I don't like it.
Roger: Come on, champ. Give it another try.
Stan: SHUT UP, YOU'RE NOT MY DAD! [knocks over the table and walks out]
Betty: Stan!

Why Can't We Be Friends? [8.05][edit]

[Stan looks at photos of him and Snot]
Steve: Oh, Snot. You were wearing your bathing suit as underwear that day. [puts it back in the envelope]
Stan: Oh, is that a letter for Snot? I'll mail it for you.
Steve: [hands Stan the letter] Thanks. This is my fifth letter to him. I hope this time he writes me back.
Stan: Doubt it. Snot's probably moved on with his life and I think it's time you did too. [hands him a net] Here, I signed you up for lacrosse.
Steve: Dad, I'm not a physical boy.
Stan: Well, now that Snot's not here to drag you down, you can do anything. Let's see what you can do with that lacrosse stick.
[Steve puts it on his head]
Stan: What are you doing?
Steve: Playing lunch lady. Pizza or sloppy joe?
Stan: [sighs] I am pissed off because you're doing that and now I want a sloppy joe and I know you don't really have one.

Adventures in Hayleysitting [8.06][edit]

Toshi: Holy Methmoly!
Subtitle: Jeepers, a methhead!

National Treasure 4: Baby Franny: She's Doing Well: The Hole Story [8.07][edit]

Greg: We'd love to have Baby Franny on our little show, but she hasn't returned our many phone calls. What a bitch.
Terry: We're still on.
Greg: ...of a show we've got coming up!

Principal Lewis: My strength comes from above!!

Francine: Any dumbass can have dumbass kids...

Finger Lenting Good [8.08][edit]

Stan: GO THE HELL TO FRANCE!!

The Adventures of Twill Ongenbone and His Boy Jabari [8.09][edit]

[Roger makes a rainbow]
Francine: Oh my God! You can do that?
Roger: Yeah, when I'm really happy.
Francine: [walks through it] Ew.
Roger: Yeah, it's made out of pee-pee.

Blood Crieth Unto Heaven [8.10][edit]

Stan: Damn this birthday! Damn it straight to hell!

Patrick Stewart: And now, we return to Act 2. Gezhundheit. Just kidding. The theatre can be a lonely place.

Stan: It was the best day of my life. Until it was not that... at all.

Stan: I remember more.
Francine: More what, Stan?
Stan: More... information.

Max Jets [8.11][edit]

Gina: Hands across America, bitches!

Steve: I wanted to be the first boy to whack it on the moon.

Francine: I wanted to be the mother of the first boy to whack it on the moon.

Hayley: I should be dead, or at least, be able to control things with my mind.

Naked to the Limit, One More Time [8.12][edit]

[Hayley in shock about Roger sending him into space]
Hayley: What... the hell... just happened... my Jeff, my dear sweet...my dear sweet... my Jeffmmmm.
[Roger shouting at Hayley while the Smiths are all in the car]
Roger: Hurry up, Hayley. You're sitting in the middle.

[Roger about to contact his home planet to let them pick him up]
Roger: Do I have to go? My planet is freezing cold, there is no booze and sex is so boring up there, it's all consensual.

For Black Eyes Only [8.13][edit]

Tearjerker: You haven't said a thing about my paintings.

Stan: Am I out of my mind...or am I out of my socks?

Spelling Bee My Baby [8.14][edit]

Roger: [whispering] Space raped.
Francine: Any man who ever did anything great was just trying to show up some piece of ass who didn't give him any.

The Missing Kink [8.15][edit]

Roger: Well, there are ways to get people to do what you want without they're knowing it.
Francine: Are you suggesting I trick him?
Roger: Sure, it's easy. I once got him to drink my pee by telling him it was a fancy beer.
Francine: What an idiot.

Stan: The church sent missionaries to America to teach the Indians the correct method of sex. In return, they taught us the correct method of sitting in second grade.

The Boring Identity [8.16][edit]

Francine: [to an old friend] I haven't seen you in 10 years! Are you still 30?

The Full Cognitive Redaction of Avery Bullock by the Coward Stan Smith [8.17][edit]

Steve: Roger, I need your help. There's a big crazy guy at school who wants to beat the crap out of me.
[Roger takes his glasses and clothes off, then puts his glasses back on. he puts his hands together and inhales]
Roger: I'm listening.
Steve: We're supposed to fight Friday at 3:00. I only have two days to find a way out of it.
Roger: I know a guy who loves a good fight. I'll give him a call. He'll take care of your problems.
Steve: Oh, thank you. Wait, the guy's not gonna be you, is he?
Roger: No, I promise.
Steve: 'Cause a lot of times when you say "you know a guy", you're really just thinking about yourself.
Roger: Fine! It was gonna be me, but since you're making a big deal about it, I'll call somebody else, okay? Stop figuring out my tricks! [crushes his desk with a bat and puts his clothes back on] My model plane.

Lost in Space [8.18][edit]

Jeff: So this ship...is just one big shopping mall?

Da Flippity Flop [8.19][edit]

Steve: Roger, what the hell is... [sees that Roger's room has become a gym] Holy cow, you really do have a gym up here.

[after Klaus has hit Stan on the head, knocking him out]
Klaus: Stan, are you okay? You have to wake up. We have to go.
[Stan regains consciousness and sees that Klaus' voice has come from his body]
Klaus: Guten morgen, fish face!
[Stan is shocked to see himself in Klaus' fish body]
Stan: You son of a bitch! You switch us back right... [defecates] Oh, God. Oh, my God. I just pooped. Does it just float here? Why is my mind telling me to eat it?

Season 9[edit]

Steve and Snot's Test-Tubular Adventure [9.01][edit]

[after inserting the DNA, Steve and Snot activate the cloning machine]
Steve: What are you gonna name yours?
Snot: I want mine to have a sexy stripper name, like Honey.
Steve: I'm gonna name mine after my great grandmother: Glitter.
Snot: Naming your sex clone after your great grandmother. That's a nice way to honor her.

[when Steve's cloning plan works, out of the machine come, not teenage girls as expected, but babies]
Steve: [screams; pushes buttons repeatedly] Unclone! Unclone! Control-Z! Control-Z!

Poltergasm [9.02][edit]

[having witnessed footage of a scary ghost version of Francine]
Roger: [to a recorder] 3:43. Just peed myself. [pauses, then continues] Asparagus.

Hayley: [to her dazed father] Dad, you have to snap out of it! You gotta get Mom where she needs to get to!
Stan: I can't, Hayley! I don't know what to do! If only there was some sort of kindly robot or magic wand that could pleasure my wife. But we live in the real world.
Hayley: Dad, look around you! The ghost is getting stronger! You have to satisfy Mom!
Stan: You're right. But I clearly don't know what I'm doing anymore!
Hayley: You just need to get some help. A book or the Internet...
Stan: Or an oversexed hippie who just happens to be my daughter. Hayley, you are gonna be my sex coach.
Hayley: [after a moment of pause] Well, that really backfired on me, didn't it?

Buck, Wild [9.03][edit]

Steve: I don't believe this! How could they put me at the kids' table? I'm 14!
Kid in costume: I'm Batman.
Steve: NO, YOU'RE NOT! [sighs] I'm too old for this. I don't wanna be around all these babies playing Pokémon, badly. This kid right here is just wasting his Charizard. [to the kid] You are wasting your Charizard!

Stan: It's about time the hunter who became the huntee becomes the hunter,… again.

Crotchwalkers [9.04][edit]

[Francine brings an incapacitated Stan to Hayley and Roger]
Roger: Okay. I'll bite. What's up with the gyroscope on his junk?
Francine: Stan was injured and went into a rare condition known as "testicular retreat syndrome". His "nuggs" were so traumatized, they ran up into his body to heal.
Hayley: What?! Will he be okay?
Francine: We don't know yet. They might drop down again someday, but the doctors say there's a good chance they'll just die up there, like a gut-torn rabbit in a wooden thicket.
Roger: Wait. Hold on a second. I'm confused. Why the hell didn't you dicks show up to our balalaika concert?!
Stan: [falsetto voice] I've got bigger problems right now than supporting your commie music!
[Hayley and Roger laugh]
Stan: Stop! So what if I sound a little feminine?! Stop laughing, and treat me with the respect I deserve!
[Hayley and Roger laugh again]
Stan: My voice is not that…
[dogs are heard barking faintly]
Stan: Not that high.
[the barking grows louder]
Stan: It's a little higher than usual.
[the barking grows even louder; the sound of banging against the door is heard]

[after hearing Stan sing Climb Ev'ry Mountain while still in his falsetto voice]
Roger: Oh, my God! That was transcendent!
Klaus: With you and your heavenly voice accompanying us, we'll skyrocket to the top of the ever-popular world music charts!
Hayley: I say we reunite the band, but as a quartet! How 'bout it, Daddy?
Stan: I suppose I could give it a try.
[the others cheer]
Stan: Yeah, it'll be fun, right? I mean, it could be just what I need to get out of this living room. [suction pops off Stan's crotch; back in his normal voice] And back into life. [looks down] My boys just dropped!
Roger: No! No! No!
Stan: Thank God I'm back to normal! I don't have to settle for a life of singing with you idiots after all! [sings as he leaves] Swing low, sweet chariot…
Roger: Ah, the hell with it.
[he, Hayley, and Klaus drop their instruments]

Kung Pao Turkey [9.05][edit]

[Stan finds Francine and her mother in the kitchen cooking dinner]
Stan: Francine, what the hell's goin' on in here? It should smell like turkey and stuffing, not a medley of longevity-inducing vegetables.
Francine: Stan, this is my mom's famous stir-fry. I thought we could have it instead of sweet potatoes.
Stan: But that's not Thanksgiving! I don't wanna see this tiny corn!
Mah Mah: I don't wanna see your tiny corn. Put on some pants!
Stan: I'm not changing the way I dress on this most American of days. This is traditional American Thanksgiving garb. You know how you guys always wear karate outfits? Well, this is Uncle Sam's version of that.

Stan: [whistles] Here, Dixie Cup!
[his SUV pulls up to him]
Stan: Easy, girl. Easy.
[he gets in his SUV and drives away]

Independent Movie [9.06][edit]

Francine: Hey, Banelli! You got a lot of nerve showin' up here!
Banelli: So what? So what? It's a free world. So what?
Francine: Excuse me, Stan. That's the bitch who gave all my ideas to Michael Crichton.

Snot: Mom, who died?
[his uncle shows up]
Ira: Schmuely.
Snot: Uncle Ira? What are you doing here?
Ira: How shall I put this? You're a child, and you're gonna remember this for the rest of your life. So I wanna make sure I say this right. YOUR DAD IS DEAD! HE'S DEAD!!!

Faking Bad [9.07][edit]

[Hayley enters Steve's room; Steve is under a blanket fort on his bed]
Hayley: Hey, buddy. [lifts the flap]
Steve: It's called "Fortress of Solitude". Not "Fortress of Come on In".
Hayley: Oh. Right. Star Trek Wars. [imitates lasers]

Steve: Okay. Next I.D. is ready. Mike Rotch? I'm looking for Mike Rotch.
[Bart Simpson, right behind him, laughs]

Minstrel Krampus [9.08][edit]

[Stan, Roger, and Santa set off to find Steve and Krampus]
Stan: Wow. Full moon tonight.
Roger: Actually, once you get above the clouds, it's always a full moon.
Stan: Is that true?
Roger: Is any of this?

[last line]
Krampus: [to the home audience] You better be good, boys and girls, or I'll beat you until blood's comin' from your ears and your eyes and your mouth. Merry Christmas! And from your ass.

Vision: Impossible [9.09][edit]

Hayley: [enters with something wrapped in a towel] You guys will not believe what's in this towel.
Stan: A baby. A baby you gave birth to, and you didn't even know you were pregnant. It just popped out on the lawn. You thought you were just takin' a D on the lawn, but surprise! It wasn't a deuce. It was a baby, and it's in that towel. [taps the table] Show me that baby!
Hayley: No. It's a raccoon.

[Roger awakens from his coma]
Francine: Roger, thank God you're awake! You've been in a coma.
Roger: Oh, my God! How long was I out? [holds up a beard] This long? [holds up a longer beard] Or this long?
Steve: The first one.
[Roger puts on the shorter beard]

Familyland [9.10][edit]

[Francine eats cookies while the other Smiths are preoccupied, until...]
Steve: [sniffs] Mom's cinnamon cookies?!
Francine: Terrific. No one cares about me. They just care about my cookies.

[Roy goes back into his cryogenic chamber]
Roy: Oh, wait. I gotta go to the bathroom!
[but the door has already shut, and he gets frozen]

Cock of the Sleepwalk [9.11][edit]

[just after his attempt to assassinate another terrorist has failed, Stan discovers that there are Gummi Bears instead of bullets in his rifle]
Stan: Gummi Bears?! He replaced my bullets with Gummi Bears from the mini bar! That's gonna cost me $7! [walks up to the mini bar, which is riddled with cash] Oh. He left money. Well, I can't be mad about-- Wait! That's my money!

Stan: [repeatedly tries to kill the IHOP terrorist] This is terrible! You're hurting us both almost equally! Nobody's winning here! This is awful! Aw, man! He's still reachin'! Aw, gee whiz! [repeatedly slams a tray on the terrorist] Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God! [the terrorist is finally dead] [sighs] It's over.
Customer: [sets to leave] I won't have what he's having.

Introducing the Naughty Stewardesses [9.12][edit]

Steve: You know that beautiful girl Jenna I've kinda had my eye on?
Roger: Is this the same girl whose picture you put in your pajama bottoms before you go to bed?
Steve: You know about that?
Roger: Who do you think takes your pajamas off at night?

Roger: [after hitting Steve in the head (Roger's) with a vase] Aw, I shouldn't have hit him in the face. That's my face.

I Ain't No Holodeck Boy [9.13][edit]

[Steve, Snot, Barry, and Toshi have lost the video game in which they were to stop Hitler's mother from giving birth to him]
Snot: I know he's gonna be a monster, but I do love babies.

[after Stan has abandoned Steve and his friends in the woods]
Steve: I can't believe my dad ditched us here.
Toshi: [in Japanese] And he dishonored us by taking our cell phones.
Snot: Guys, how long do you think we can last out here?
Barry: I don't know. But if we're gonna die, I'm not goin' out a virgin.
[he hugs a nearby tree]
Snot: Well, if trees count, then I'm Wilt Chamberlain.

Stan Goes on the Pill [9.14][edit]

[Stan looks at his reflection in the mirror after transforming into a woman]
Stan: Oh, my God! Sir! Either I've gone crazy, or I've turned into a woman!
Bullock: What's the difference?
[he and Stan laugh]
Stan: Hey, screw you!

Bullock: [points at Stan] See that woman over there? I'm going to rail her.
Bartender: [rings a bell] Oh! We got one!
[other bartenders approach]
All bartenders: [sing] You say you're gonna rail her.
We're really glad to hear.
And after you've completed,
she'll be grinning ear to ear! HEY!
Bullock: I love the family atmosphere here.

Honey, I'm Homeland [9.15][edit]

Glass: [on radio] Hello. I'm Ira Glass. With a $35 pledge, you can get the feeling... of paying for radio. It's an indescribable... sensation.

Artemis: [shows Hayley a video demonstration] By precisely targeting a barrage of missiles your dad acquired for us, we'll reshape the contemptible fascists of Mt. Rushmore into history's greatest leftists!
Stan: Sean Penn, Michael Moore, and Captain Planet.
Hayley: Why didn't you change Jefferson?
Stan: Well, he freed the slaves, so he stays.

She Swill Survive [9.16][edit]

Hayley: Mom, hands. Eggs. Make.
Stan: [to Francine] You! Hold it right there! [to Hayley] You! Make your own eggs! [to his reflection in the mirror] You! Stay beautiful.

Hayley: [after the cab crashes] Did the cabbie survive?
Stan: No. Damn fool was driving sober.

Rubberneckers [9.17][edit]

[after a giant inflatable gorilla breaks his fall and it deflates]
Stan: 'Twas beauty killed the beast.

[after his last attempt to remove the wine stain from the couch has failed, Roger lights a match and sets it on fire]
Roger: [leaves the den] We need a new couch!

Permanent Record Wrecker [9.18][edit]

Thicke: And the pappy goes to... my man, Stan Smith!
[Stan comes up on stage to accept his award]
Stan: Thank you, Alan Thicke. This is amazing.
[suddenly, the background, which is the back of the garage door, opens up, revealing Thicke's wife in her car]
Thicke: Honey, I told ya, I'm using the garage for my awards show! Park on the street!
Thicke's wife: I'm so sick of this crap, Alan!
Thicke: You're ruining my thing!

Army soldier: It's come to our attention that your son's run out of options. The army'll take him.
Stan: Get outta here, you damn vulture! [slams the door, then opens it again] Thank you for your service.

News Glance with Genevieve Vavance [9.19][edit]

Hayley: Jeez, Steve. 4 gallons of Lubriderm?
Steve: You try living with Eczema.

Groban: That ballad was supposed to be my Candle in the Wind, you dicks!

The Longest Distance Relationship [9.20][edit]

Steve: [after Matt presents the Smiths with a new house to replace the burnt one] Did someone just drop a house on me?!

Jeff: [as he and Sinbad cross through the wormhole to Earth] Wow! The wormhole! It's so beautiful, like staring into the face of God! It's unbelievable! We... are... INFINITE!!

Season 10[edit]

Roger Passes the Bar [10.01][edit]

Snot: I'm with Beezus on this one, guys. Ramona went into her room. No permission! The sign said "do not enter".
Steve: "Do not enter the kingdom of Heaven"! Beezus is a Christ figure! Her name rhymes with Jesus! [points at a page in his book] It's right there!

A Boy Named Michael [10.02][edit]

Francine: [having seen Roger on TV, disguised as Terry and Greg's adopted child] Roger is their adopted baby?!
Klaus: But that can't be! I just saw Roger sleeping in the attic! He was 2 pillows and a soccer ball. Oh, wait a minute.

Cast[edit]

See also[edit]

External links[edit]

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