Lewis Black

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[edit] Last Laugh ‘06

  • Wise men say that time is like a river. I say time is like a river of SHIT...and as you float down that river in your little canoe, your paddles are getting smaller and smaller.

[edit] Last Laugh ‘05

  • Well first of all, I'd just like to say that 2005 was a great year, if you like swimming through crap.
  • The argument we have about abortion is not about abortion. It's about when life begins. And we argue it, and we argue, and we argue! And I say we take all the people who think they know and yell and scream and they're sure when life begins and they're sure when life ends, and we lock them in a room. And we tell them to figure it out. And they don't come out until they do. And if they can't, then we kill them.
  • The one thing I think we learned this year is that the Democrats and the Republicans are completely worthless.

[edit] The White Album

  • I realize I use the word 'fuck' a lot, and I'd apologize for that, but I don't give a shit.
  • My favorite health club is the International House of Pancakes.
  • While I was in Miami, they stole my rental car, because apparently, they didn't have enough time to load up a gun and shoot me. On the street, there was a Lexus, a BMW, and in the middle was my car; the rental car: the Plymouth Horizon. Here's a math problem for you, don't ponder it too long or your head'll explode, but how many drugs would you have to consume, in what period of time, to be on the street and go... 'Well, I gotta have the Horizon! Are you kidding me? I've never driven a car that's aqua!' So I called the police, I told them, 'They've stolen my rental car, a Plymouth Horizon.' And the officer said, 'They must have taken it for a joyride.' I said, 'Hey. I don't think you're listening, asshole. The car is a Plymouth... HORIZON! It is not a joy - to ride!' We're talking about a car that goes 45 miles per hour with the wind! If you actually turn off the air conditioning you can supercharge the little fucker to 48.
  • The reason you should go to Las Vegas is because, for only the second time, the second time, ever, they have rebuilt Sodom and Gomorrah. It's back!! And you have the opportunity to see it before it turns to salt. And you wanna get out there before the Christian Right finds out what we're up to and shits all over it.
  • I love New York City. I reason I live in New York City because it's the loudest city on the planet Earth. It's so loud I never have to listen to any of the shit that's going on in my own head. It's really loud. They literally have guys come with jack hammers and they drill the streets and just leave cones in front of your apartment. You don't even know why. Garbage men come. They don't pick up the garbage. They just bang the cans together. And if your block's too quiet, they actually hire a guy who wanders around going, 'FUCK ME! FUCK ME! FUCK ME!' ... That was the first job I ever had.
  • I love Wisconsin. I love coming here. I perform here a lot, because I've discovered that you people apparently have some sort of federal grant for drinking. It's - you're insane! You pay less for liquor than anybody I know anywhere in the country. Nobody pays less for liquor than you! What'd you, wh- ho- HOW? I don't know if you're using that farm subsidy money, or if you're just hijacking liquor trucks, but this is fuckin' insane. (from the audience) "It's volume, Lewis!" Is it volume? It's unbe-fuckin'-lievable. It's staggering! I come here 'cause basically if I spend four days here drinking, even with the plane ticket it's cheaper than drinkin' in New York! How do you know when it's New Year's? That's the big mystery to me! What's the difference? I've been in bars here, and it's like New Year's every fuck night! Oh, New Year's, that's when w-w-we drink with hats on. I've been drunker here than anyplace else I've been in my life. And remember this: you are not, you are not alcoholics. You, and my hat is off, are professionals.
  • If you're seeing a psychiatrist you're pissing money away, all you gotta do is fly to my city and get on a subway. Inevitably you'll be seated in front of some guy and he'll be playing with himself. And he'll be singing 'Happy Days Are Here Again!' I tell you when I see that guy I feel a lot better about myself. I think, gee, I'm on the subway every day, I'm under a lot of pressure, it never crossed my mind you could just pull out your pesky and sing a song. I guess he was going to an important meeting with that briefcase, just needed to take the edge off.
  • It's my firm belief that this country has lost its mind. We are completely nuts now. It started, I think with the Heaven's Gate people. That was the first sign that there was something desperately wrong in our culture. When 39 Americans killed themselves in a mansion. In a mansion! You don't kill yourselves in a mansion! You kill yourselves in a shitty apartment like I live in. And they killed themselves in order to get to a mother ship, that was conveniently located out of sight, behind the Hale-Bopp Comet. 39 Americans. And they were collected by a guy who went around in the early '70s, and nobody stopped him. He said that his name was Bo and he introduced his partner at these meeting that he had, and he said her name was Peep… If I’m in a meeting and a guy says, 'My name is Bo, this is Peep.' Guess what? End of meeting! We have nothing to discuss. I’m out of there unless, of course, there are sheep. And if Peep is dressed properly, I’ll stay around quite some time. 'How do we get to the mother ship, Bo? What do we do?' 'We don't drink. We don't smoke. We don't do drugs. We don't have sex.' 'Well, you'll have to kill me now. You've taken away all four food groups. I'm fucked.' He actually told them, if they wanted to continue to have sex, that they should be castrated. Seven castrated themselves! I always thought that all of us, had a little, small voice of survival somewhere. I would think, that would be a deal breaker. When you find yourself in a bathroom, holding a weed whacker on your pecker. I believe a little voice should go off. 'Hey, hey, hey. I don't think this is the group we should join. Maybe we should try a bowling team.'
  • The next day, (after the Lewinski scandal) a discussion started that was so psychotic in nature. And it went on for months! And that is, 'is oral sex adultery?' And I thought, 'When did that go up for grabs?' How did I miss that? God, where was I when the principal said, 'It's Friday and we'll be having fish sticks. And with the weekend coming, remember guys, blowjobs don't count.' ... Is oral sex adultery? YES! That's the end of the fucking argument! If curling is an Olympic sport, then oral sex is adultery. And oral sex should be an Olympic sport. I would like to see that. Ice skating, then blow jobs. I certainly would stay though whatever commercials they had. I think oral sex should be an Olympic sport because it's harder than curling ever has been, and if you're any good at it, you deserve a medal.
  • The people who told us about sun block were the same people who told us, when I was a kid, that eggs were good. So I ate a lot of eggs. 10 years later they said they were bad. I went, 'Well, I just ate the eggs!' So I stopped eating eggs, and 10 years later they said they were good again! Well, then I ate twice as many, and then they said they were bad. Well, now I'm really fucked! Then they said they're good, they're bad, they're good, the whites are good, t-the yellows - MAKE UP YOUR MIND! It's breakfast I've gotta eat!
  • The thing about sun block is, you're gonna go to your doctor's in about 10 years, and your doctor's gonna go, 'your co - your chart here's - your cholesterol's out of control. What have you been doing?' 'Well, I've been eatin' really well, and running and doing everything right.' 'Yeah, but have you been using sun block?' 'Well, yeah.' 'Well, you shouldn't trust that shit! What are you doing? You coulda had all the sausage you wanted! HA HA!'
  • When from behind me, a woman of 25 uttered the dumbest thing I'd ever heard in my life ... She said, 'If it weren’t for my horse, I wouldn’t have spent that year in college.' I'll repeat that. I'll repeat that because that's the kind of sentence that when you hear it, your brain comes to a screeching halt. And the left hand side of the brain looks at the right hand side and goes, 'It's dark in here, and we may die.' She said, 'If it weren't for my horse...' as in, giddy up, giddy up, let's go - 'I wouldn't have spent that year in college,' a degree-granting institution. Don't! Don't think about that sentence for more than three minutes, or blood'll shoot out your nose. The American medical profession doesn't know why we get an aneurysm. It's when a blood vessel bursts in our head for no apparent reason. There's a reason. You're at the mall one day, and somebody over there says the dumbest thing you've ever heard and it goes in your ear. So you turn around to see if your friends heard it, cause if your friends heard it, and you can talk about what the jackass said, then it'll be gone. But your friends are over here, pretending they're gonna buy a cellular phone, and they're not gonna buy a cellular phone, because they don't even understand how the rate structure works. So you turn back, to find the person who said it, because if you can ask 'em a question like, 'WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKIN' ABOUT?!' then it'll go away. But they're gone. And now those words are in your head. And those words don't go away. Cause the way I see it, 7% of our brains functions all the time, because 99% of everything that happens is the same old stuff. We get it. All right. Move on. Get it. Right. But every so often, somethin' like that happens: 'If it weren't for my horse, I wouldn't have spent that year in college.' So your brain goes, 'LET'S FIGURE IT OUT! Son of a bitch! I wonder what that's about!' I wonder, was she riding the horse to school? No, she wouldn't be riding the horse to school. Maybe it was a polo pony; she had a polo pony scholarship. Maybe she sold the horse and that's how she - she was betting on the horse! WHAT THE FUCK?!! And then you realize that anybody who went to college would never say anything that stupid in public. And as soon as you have that thought, your eyes close and the next morning they find you dead in your bathroom.
  • I like a cold because I get to do my favorite drug, which is NyQuil. I love that stuff. What do the rest of you use? Robitussin? Robitussin, why do you bother? Non-narcotic sissy pansy bullshit! NyQuil's the best thing I've ever read on a medicine package, '180 Proof.' It's the moonshine of medicine. You can buy it on a holiday! When I got a cold, I want something that's gonna fuck me up! Cause that way the blur seems interesting.
  • NyQuil comes in two colors, red and green. It's the only thing on the planet that tastes like...red and green. And red and green are what? Christmas colors! That's right, NyQuil makes a dandy eggnog. Oh yeah, my friends bitched through the whole party, 'This tastes like shit!' But at the end of it, we had a fun sleepover.
  • You ever read the ingredients in sunblock? I've never seen those words anywhere. You don't even know what you're putting on your face, do you? You go, "Oh no, the sun's out!" It could be zebra cum; you don't know. You may not like that joke, but you don't know.
  • Fall is here and all I have to say is... FUCK FALL! Fall? I hate the fall! It's bullshit! Oh, the leaves change color. They change color for two days. Then a big wind comes, you got nothin' but sticks for the rest of the year!
  • The weather in this country's completely nuts, and nobody gives a shit. It's completely out of control. There was a Hurricane Lenny, I dunno why the fuck they gave it that name, that's going - it's in the Caribbean, it's going from west to east, and that's never happened! It's never happened! You don't think some shit is up?! And nobody's panicked?! I'm fucking panicked!
  • If you're in a place and they tell you a hurricane's comin'... RUN! You get your shit, you get out the door and if the kids don't move fast enough, fuck 'em! Drive away!
  • If they're gonna give a hurricane a name, why not give it a name that applies, like Hurricane 'JESUS CHRIST ON A CRUTCH!' followed by the next big one, Hurricane 'HOLY FUCKIN' MOSES!'?
  • What does the word 'meteorologist' mean in English? It means 'liar.'
  • I was watchin' the Weather Channel because I was gonna fly down south and Hurricane Floyd was out in the Caribbean, and so this is what they said. The information, they said that Hurricane Floyd would be hitting the coast of the United States in five days, and that it would hit somewhere... somewhere between Miami ... and New England. Why did they bother? Why, why the fuck open your mouth? Why not just, 'Okay. Hurricane Floyd's is comin' and um... we're gonna go to a commercial.'
  • They had those guys on TV a few years ago, who were spray painting hair on their head. What the fuck was that about?!
  • Psychic friends, call your psychic pals. If you know anybody who's called a television psychic, and continues to do it for a $1.99 a minute, you take a stick, and you hit 'em! And then you go "No."
  • I don't know if you know about pilots. The way in which our country generates television, they take one episode, one, and then they take that episode, produce it, and show it to a room filled with monkeys. And if the monkeys don't shit themselves, you might have a hit!
  • For 1.5 million dollars, we could do the weather, even with a gorilla fucking in the ass

[edit] The End of the Universe

  • I'd rather go ice fishing, which is the dumbest thing a man can do. You're sitting essentially in an out house and its 30 below. You've cut a hole in the ice, and you're fishing for fish that you shouldn't eat, ‘cause any fish that is down there is fucking stupid.
  • I'd be nice if we could get someone to teach us [Americans] it [common sense], but who the fuck are we gonna get?
  • From the beginning of time, man has looked at the heavens and firmly believed that the end of the universe ends out in space. It's not true. The end of the universe happens to be in the United States. I have seen it. And, oddly enough, it's in Houston, Texas...I know, I was shocked too... I left the comedy club there and walked down the street. On one corner, there was a Starbucks. And across the street from that Starbucks, in the exact same building as that Starbucks, was a Starbucks. At first I thought the sun was playing tricks on my eyes. But, no. There was a Starbucks across from a Starbucks. And that, my friends, is the end of the universe. People have said to me, 'how do you know?' And I say, 'go there. Stand between those two Starbucks and look at your watch. Time stands still.' And if you turn this way, and look at just this Starbucks, immediately you think, 'You know, There cannot possibly be a Starbucks behind me. Nobody would have been that stupid, to have built a Starbucks across from a Starbucks. And if there was a just and loving God, he wouldn't allow that kind of shit to go down.' So you turn slowly, thinking, 'well, I'll see a Gap, or a Denny's, maybe even a Mobil Station... BUT THERE'S A STARBUCKS!'
  • 135 nations signed the global warming treaty; we didn't. We didn't. We wonder why the world thinks we're arrogant. Ha! 135 nations signed the treaty. We go, 'Hey! Go fuck yourselves! We don't give - suck on our shit!' 135 nations signed the treaty that couldn't even read it. We had to explain it to them - "Brrr, brrr, sweaty sweaty, signy signy."
  • And don't give me that "heh heh heh", I met him the other night! I MET Dick Cheney, okay? He's a, woah hoho... I've never stood that close to evil... [Aside, to a member of the audience] Oh, oh... Oh, fuck you! Fuck you! And your Republican bullshit nonsense!
  • Can somebody explain to me why Pepsi and Coke advertise? Are we missing something? Seriously, everyone in this room has drank enough Pepsi and Coke in their lifetime they could piss it for a week.
  • Did you ever go into a restaurant and say, 'Hey! I'd like a Coke.' And they say, 'We only serve Pepsi,' and you went, 'well, fuck you! Son of a bitch! What kind of a dump is this? Well, listen Fucknuts, I'm goin' across the street. I'm gonna go eat at 'Buckets of Shit.' That's right! 'Buckets of Shit!' I know the food's lousy, but they serve a Coke!'
  • Britney Spears comes out and she starts singing about Pepsi, but you don't know what she's singing, because she can't fucking sing. So the message you got was "Tittie-tittie-tittie, ass-ass-ass, tittie-tittie-tittie, ass-ass-ass, more ass, tittie-tittie".
  • N'Sync is gay... I can tell by your reaction you're a little shocked, aren't you? Well, they are gay. Gay, gay, gay, gay. They may not know they're gay, but they are rooty, tutty, fresh and fruity. And I don't know who their manager is, but he's gay too. –
  • When they [N'Sync and Aerosmith] played, it wasn't music. It was the sound of chaos. I knew it was the sound of chaos because you could hear pigs being slaughtered. Women were weeping and men were gnashing their teeth, and there were sounds so hideous that I cannot describe them to you, or you will flee from the room!
  • It [The Weather Channel] is the most watched cable channel in America. I'll repeat that. It is the most watched cable channel in America. They were worried about the terrorists immobilizing us, and a portion of our countrymen watch weather. 'Kay, you don't get any more immobile than that... unless you're in a goddamn coma. That means you're saying, 'I'd go to the window, but it's too far.' If you want to know what the weather is you go to a window and stick your hand out and if you want to know what the temperature is you drive by a bank.
  • Or you'll get on your cell phone, which is really smart. 'Oh I'm gonna be late!'; That's fuckin smart; to drive with one of those fuckin things in your hand. It's bad enough that people are in supermarkets-- 'Honey, I love you.' FUCK YOU, okay!? Shut-up! I'm trying to buy a tomato, okay, got it? I'm even carrying mine, this piece of shit. This is Sprint. [someone cheers] Oh.. FUCK SPRINT. okay? You work for those idiots, I need to talk to you. 'Every call is crystal clear' yeah right: to yourself! You can hear you!
  • Metal detectors don't work. I went through the metal detector and they said, 'we're gonna hafta check you.' 'I just went through the metal detector. That should be it.' Then they check you again. That means, that doesn't fuckin' work, does it? All right, so then, they got a thing called a wand. It's the same thing. It's like a metal detector for your hand. And they go, woo-wooo, and then you're clear and then they say, 'well, we'll pat you down.' Well that didn't fuckin' work either then, did it? And if what you really need to do is pat us down, then pat us down. Pat us the fuck down. Don't do this bullshit. Don't send me through two fake things that don't work.

[edit] Rules of Enragement

  • They say that New Zealand's beautiful, and I don't know because after 22 hours on a plane, any land mass would be beautiful. We could have landed on a tiny iceberg, and there could have been just two penguins blowing each other; And I would have been thrilled to see them, and I would have performed.
  • If you drink, and you've not been there, get off your ass. You're gonna wanna go there.
    • - On Ireland
  • And it seems to me if you're going to travel for 19 hours to another country, when you get there, they should have the common courtesy to speak another language. I did not fly all this way to hear English again. Speak gibberish, speak pig latin you fuck.
    • - On New Zealand
  • I didn't fucking spend my time living through the era of Vietnam to fucking come around to this fucking time and not having learned that the goddamn situation boils down to this: If you're against the war it doesn't mean that you're f-for the other side! If people show up with signs that go, 'GO IRAQ, YOU FUCKERS GO!' then you go, "Holy Shit," then you beat the fuck out of them.
  • We buy bottles of water from Pepsi and Coke, because when I think clean water, oh yeah, I fuckin' think Coke and Pepsi!.
  • If you don't drink 56 bottles of water a week, scientists say you should take a garden hose at the end of the week and shove it up your ass.
  • In New Zealand, they've gone this far, since they have a lot of fucking time on their hands. Scientists there believe that the milk we're drinking isn't healthy, because children drink so much milk, that a lot of what's in that milk causes heart disease and diabetes later in life. What child is drinking too much milk? WHERE? Where on the FUCKING PLANET is a child who's a milk-fuck-junkie?! When was the last time you had a kid at the fridge going, "Hey! Back off, Johnnie! Get away from there, you little son-of-a-bitch! Drop the carton, goddamn it! I'm taking you to Milk Rehab, you little shit!"
  • When I was a kid there was one kind of milk. Moo-cow-fuck-milk; that was it. And maybe chocolate moo-cow-fuck-milk too.
  • Soy milk. That's bullshit on a stick. There's no such thing as soy milk. I know that, because there's no soy tit, is there? I don't know a lot, but I know you need a breast for milk. It's soy juice; nobody's gonna fucking drink soy juice.
  • We exhaust ourselves worrying about our health. We're obsessed with it. We worry about our health and when we worry about our health, guess what? We're not fucking healthy! We're so worried about our health that we are now the fattest group of fucks on the planet Earth! 'Should I eat this or should I eat this? Well, I'll have to eat both!'
  • Health clubs aren't healthy in New York City, which has the most stairs of anywhere in the country. People pay money to go to a health club and use a stair master. When you live in a city, that has nothing but stairs and you pay money to use special stairs, that is not healthy behavior. It's fucking PSYCHOTIC!
  • So I'm running in place and I realize there's a mirror in front of me, and I'm going, "What the fuck is that for?" That's a really great idea, so I can watch myself doing something I don't fucking like to do! Now I can think about how much I hate what the fuck I'm doing. Then I noticed that there are mirrors everywhere, in every health club; it's literally surrounded by mirrors. Because apparently, many of our fellow Americans like to exercise, and watch themselves exercise. Which is why I believe that there should be a psychiatrist on duty in every health club. Because if you are actually spending a portion of your week watching your muscle grow, your ego is reaching a point where it's eating itself. And so I believe that the psychiatrist should grab you and take you away for a little chat. So I'm running in place, and I look at myself in the mirror, and I'm thinking, "I'm never gonna get there." And I believe the human brain is so smart that when it watches you watch yourself watch you watch yourself do something you shouldn't be fucking doing, it says 'You are so stupid, I will kill you.'"
  • There may be a smallpox epidemic in this country. Unbelievable. A smallpox epidemic. How could that be possible? And the reason is the smallpox vaccine that we were given, and that I was told was gonna last forever, wore off. And our government waited until a possible emergency condition to inform us. Now, that's a cracker jack group of fuckers, isn't it? How could you fuckin' not call us? 'Hey Lew, uh, your smallpox vaccine wore off. You want another?' 'YOU'RE FUCKING RIGHT I WANT ANOTHER!' Because my whole life has been a delusion. Because everyday I'd wake and I'd go, 'You know, it's gonna suck today, but at least I'm not getting smallpox!'
  • They've gotta stop reporting wind chill. That's nonsense. It really is. I don't know where they came up with it, why they came up with it, but it's a lie. They come on, 'well, it's 27 degrees today, but with the wind chill, it's minus 3.' ... well, then it's minus 3, asshole! I don't need to know what the weather was like if the conditions were perfect!
  • No, it was the coldest winter, literally, that I can remember in my life. It was really nice weather if you were a fucking moose. If you had fur on your nuts, it was a festival out there. It was an utter dog-shit winter. And dog shit would've been better because it's warmer. The dry cleaning bills are higher, but it's worth it.
  • You live in a cold that human beings aren't supposed to live in. And it's no kind of test of the human spirit. It's fucking stupid.
  • Half way through the winter I decided I didn't want to be a comic anymore. I wanted to be a bear, because bears are more evolved. It gets cold and what does the bear do? 'Well, I'm goin' to bed! This blows!' And then it gets warm again and he goes, 'Well, fuck it. Time to wake up.'
  • Who watches her (Martha Stewart's) show? What woman in her right goddamn mind watches that show? What level of self loathing does a woman have to be at to watch Martha Stewart?! To watch a woman do something in a half hour that you could have a whole year to do and you wouldn't even fucking come close? And in the middle of it you'd go, 'Why the fuck am I doing this?!' Men don't watch it because there's nothing to scratch their balls to and gay people don't watch it because, it's beyond gay. It's all around gayer than gay. It has a gayocity that is beyond gayness. Even the gays are going, 'She's out of control. I think the bitch needs medication.'
  • I was in Italy. And I'll tell you for those of you who haven't been there Jesus Christ is big there. They have pictures, they have fuckin' photos! They have photos!
  • I barely check my E-Mail anymore because half of the time, it's the same ad: "Do you want bigger breasts?" and after a year or so after getting those E-Mails, um, I'm thinking about it. Even after I'm not funny anymore, people will still come to see me. "Ah well, he's not funny but Jesus, look at the rack on him!"
  • The other e-mail I get all the time is, "If you want a bigger dick, click here." Click-click-click-click-click-click-click-click, click, click, smash, smash! You fucker, Come on! I said I want a bigger dick!

[edit] Luther Burbank Performing Arts Center Blues

  • When I was nine, my life was devoted to seeing a tit. I was Captain Ahab, and it was my big white whale. I'd go down to Sears on a Sunday in hopes they'd remove a clothing from a mannequin. Sad but true, sad but fuckin' true.
  • Michael Jackson is a punch line to any joke you want. If you forget the punch line of a joke, all you gotta say is Michael Jackson. Two Jews walked into a bar... Michael Jackson. Why'd the chicken cross the road? Michael Jackson. And so the farmer brought his daughter to the dinner table; Michael Jackson. It works for fuckin' anything!
  • You don't want another Enron? Here's the law: If you have a company, and it can't explain, in one sentence... what it does... it's illegal!
  • The Pledge of Allegiance, ultimately, is coffee for elementary school students. "...And to the republic for which it stands, one nation, under God, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all. FUCK, I'm at SCHOOL!"
  • On the list of things we have to worry about, "gay marriage" is on page 6, right after "are we eating too much garlic as a people".
  • MTV is to music as KFC is to chicken.
  • MTV brought to the stage that day, Britney Spears, N'Sync and Aerosmith. And they were playing music together, if that's what you could fuckin' call it.
  • Music is like a drug; when you hear it, you have a vision. And that vision can change over time or remain the same. You know, that first time you’re in love and you hear a love song and every time you think about it you have that vision of your special someone. And then two years later, after you broke up, you’re at the bar. And you hear that song and you go, 'Son of a bitch…. I’ll have a Jaeger.'
  • [On Janet Jackson's breast being exposed at the 2004 Super Bowl Halftime show] There they were. Every news station, "Holy god! Did you see what happened at the halftime show yesterday? Janet Jackson's breast was exposed! It was horrifying! Let's take a look at it. It was terrible. Let's look at it again. It was disgusting! Can we see the tit again? The Goodyear blimp flew over and we got a shot of the tit right from the blimp; let's look at that tit. It's 5:02. We haven't seen the tit since 5. Let's look at that again.' And then Congress... Which doesn't do shit!... Stops on a dime!! 'Holy God! Did you see the tit?! Let's talk about the tit!' And they locked themselves in and they probably got huge pictures of the tit so they could get a closer look at the tit. 'You see how big that tit is? It's insane how big that tit is!' They spent so much time looking at that tit, I actually thought Osama bin Laden was hiding in it. And then one by one, they came onto the screen to pontificate, about how we are going into a moral sewer, how this image of a breast at a family halftime show was not only disgusting, it was disturbing. It was shocking. It was indecent. I thought, 'It's just a tit. And none of those adjectives really fuckin' apply.'
  • But what about the children, Lewis? I can hear some of you asking. What about the children? It's more disturbing to hear adults talking about having seen a tit as shocking and disturbing and indecent, than it is for children to see one.
  • I went online to get a closer look at the tit...IT'S RESEARCH! IT'S RESEARCH!

[edit] Black on Broadway

  • [Loud cheers.] That is way too much excitement. Son of a bitch. I mean this is all fun for you guys, but I gotta fuckin' work here! I'm thrilled to see you all out here this evening. I really didn't think that the audience that I kind of am lucky enough to gather could afford Broadway prices. It really is nice that people are actually coming out to see me now. I'm amazed... I am, and I think it's terrific, but you know, you bring your friends and I don't really need them. You know, you and I have developed a relationship. I don't need the fuckin' strangers hanging around... Two weeks before you see me you go, 'Oh! You gotta see this guy! He's really funny!' How do you think that makes me feel? That put's a lot of goddamn pressure on me! Because if I'm not funny, you're fucked.
  • The most important part of travel is when you come home, because that's when you see your country with new eyes. I was amazed to realize that we are the only country, that tells the rest of the world, on a nearly constant basis, that we are the greatest country on Earth. And that is a little fuckin' obnoxious. And I know it's obnoxious, because if you were in an office, and there was someone there who came in everyday and said, 'I'M THE GREATEST FUCKER HERE! AND YOU SNIVELING SHITS WOULD DIE WITHOUT ME!!' I can guarantee you by the end of the week you'd have killed him, and eaten him, just to try to possess his power. The amazing thing is that there are people who have never left this country, who talk about the fact that we are the greatest country on Earth. How fuckin' dumb is that? 'Cause you don't know. If you haven't left here you don't know. There are countries that may be giving shit away everyday! Canada's one of those countries. You know what they give away? HEALTH INSURANCE!
  • You'd have been better off if your Congressman just came to your door and pissed on your foot.
  • Instead of having a $350 billion tax cut, what you do with that money is, you do a public works project. See, what that is, is you pay a lot of people to build something, okay? And that way you employ people who are unemployed. And then they get money, and they spend it, and that stimulates the fucking economy too! So, you pick a place that really needs something. You know, a state that could really use it, like Mississippi. Of course Mississippi. Because that's the place that no one has ever thought, 'Boy, I gotta vacation. I need two weeks in Biloxi!' And you go down there and find a place that's totally in the shitter; you won't have to go far. And what you do is build a big fuckin' thing. I don't care what it is! As long as it's big and it's a fuckin' thing! And then the economy will explode, because people will say, 'I've gotta see the Big Fuckin' Thing!' And then there'll be a Big Fuckin' Thing Restaurant. A Big Fuckin' Thing Hotel and Casino! A Big Fuckin' Thing Spa!
  • Homeland security is a problem. It's a good idea, but it's a problem because the man who runs it is Tom Ridge, and he is someone who has the leadership qualities of a gerbil. He was a part of coming up with is known as the color coded system of security. You know, orange, and yellow, and what ever the fuck the others are. And what's stupid about it is they have the color coding. LIKE WE'RE IN FUCKIN' ELEMENTARY SCHOOL!! There's no need for that. Because every time they tell us what the color is, then they have to fuckin' explain it, so get rid of the fuckin' color! Simplify it. There should be three levels of security: 'Jesus Christ', 'God damn it!', 'FUCK ME!'
  • And these are the same group of assholes that when I was a kid told me in case of a nuclear attack, to hide under my desk. You know what they would do? They would come to my school with films to show me how to protect myself from a nuclear fuck holocaust. They would show this giant nuclear fucking bomb just blowing the shit out of everything. Goats and monkeys flying everywhere. The windows of the elementary school- blown out. The teacher- banged up against the fucking blackboard. But... there were the children, hiding safely under their desk. Writing poetry, playing guitar. Every 2 weeks when I was 9, my elementary school would have an air raid drill. I guess to remind me I can die at any minute! ...And i'm sitting there thinking that the adults in my community said I could protect myself from a fire-fuck-ball by hiding under wood. I'm hiding under kindling. Maybe I can get some sticks SO I CAN BURN FASTER! And I thought ‘Wow! If this was a real attack, when the all clear sounded, I can go out to the playground, and MELT!’
  • So why was I surprised when our leaders couldn't find the weapons of mass destruction? They couldn't find 'em. Nobody could find 'em. And nobody, takes responsibility. Are you fuckin' kidding me? If that's the case, then, you know, make me the head of CIA, because I can watch TV and guess with the best of em. I believe that the CIA is truly filled with frustrated weathermen. How is there no accountability? How is that fuckin' possible? They failed on a massive fuckin' level! And there's nobody- nobody taking responsibility?! Are you fucking kidding me?! If you had somebody you worked with who just fucked up like these idiots did, they'd be gone! What if I came out here tonight, and I said, 'I'm not really a comic! I'm a magician! Watch me make this rabbit disappear,' and then I just rip the fur off of it. Close enough, fuckers!
  • The republican comes in and yells "I've got a really bad idea!". And the democrat responds "And I can make it shittier!"
  • There's no such thing as soy milk. It's soy juice. But they couldn't sell soy juice, so they called it soy milk. Because anytime you say soy juice, you actually...start to gag. Know how come I know there's no such thing as soy milk? Because there's no soy titty, is there?
  • I was in Los Angeles, I ordered some coffee and they said "Would you like whole milk, skim milk or soy milk?", and my fist stopped right at his face.
  • Is milk good or bad?...I rest my case. You don't know. You don't know anymore, and a lot of you are sitting there thinking "Fuck, I'm an adult and I don't need to drink that shit anymore!".**
  • Now you don't know, because when you go down the aisle of the grocery store, the milk aisle goes on for-fuckin-ever. There's one percent, two percent, low fat, skim, acidophilus milk: What the fuck are you talking about? Acidophilus milk? Milk doesn't need a friend. That shit belongs in the yogurt section!
  • Lactose-intolerant milk? Kiss my dick! If you're lactose intolerant, you can't drink milk...so what's in the fuckin' carton? Get it out of there, get it away from my milk. It is talking to my milk and making it feel bad about itself!
  • I was reading about Diabetes on the plane. And as soon as I got off the plane...I had Diabetes.
  • Everyone of you has a health that is unique and totally different from everybody else. Completely! Because we ... are all like snowflakes.
  • So last winter, I'd be in the Midwest, and the blizzard would hit, and then I'd fly home...AND THE BLIZZARD WOULD HIT AGAIN!!!
  • He's [Jesus] like the Coca Cola of Italy! You know, I'm Jewish, and I'm starting to think...he just might be the real thing!

[edit] Comedy Central Presents

  • I have no religion because I was born and raised Jewish. And on the first night of Hanukkah, my parents, when I was very young, gave me a top to play with. They called it a dreidel. I knew it was a top. And as I looked at that top, I said, 'You know. I don't think I'm gonna be Jewish for very long.'
  • It's ridiculous that we still have a hole in the ozone layer. We have men, we have rockets, we have Saran Wrap - FIX IT!! And don't come back until you do.
  • What is the difference between a Democrat and a Republican? A Democrat blows, a Republican sucks.
  • In my lifetime, we've gone from Eisenhower to George W. Bush. We've gone from John Kennedy to Albert Gore. Now if that is evolution, I believe that in about 12 years, we're gonna be voting for plants.
  • When Bill Clinton got into his mess, pretty much every American wanted Bill Clinton punished. They didn't want him impeached, but they wanted something like a spanking or something. So they turned to the Republicans and said, 'Come on! Get the little prick!' And the Republicans took out their guns, got him in their sights, turned the guns around (points gun at his head), and went 'BAM!'
  • I never thought that Bill Clinton should be the president. When he was running to be the president of the United States, he said on over a hundred occasions, he said the following: He said, 'One of the great accomplishments while I was the governor of Arkansas, was to take my state in education from 50th to 49th.' And I thought, ' you know, Bill, you should keep that a secret.'
  • You have any idea how bad a school system's gotta be to be 50th? Alabama was 47th, and this was three years ago, and the people of Alabama were so upset about the fact that their school system was terrible that the people of Alabama sued the state... which means the people of Alabama sued themselves. They said, (pokes himself in the forehead) 'I'm taking your ass to court! I'm gonna get me a lawyer, and I'm gonna squeeze your nuts, Bubba! You'll never have a proper dental plan again!'
  • If that's what education is and that's 47th, what is education if it's 50th? What could they possibly be teaching? I think what they do is, they take the kids to school in Arkansas; they feed 'em Coco Puffs for three hours, then they open the door to the school, and let the kids run, and run, and run, and who ever hits the most trees gets an A. Oh look, Johnny poked his eye out! Honor roll!
  • Jerry Falwell was crazy before, and if you didn't know that I'd like you to wear aluminum foil so we know who you are.
  • The new millennium sucks! What a disappointment! What's the difference between the old millennium and the new millennium? Nothing! It's the same load of crap with a '2' in the front. When I was a kid, I am old enough so that when I was a kid, I looked forward to the new millennium. When I was young, I said, 'I'm gonna live through a change! A massive change! Things are gonna be different! Things are gonna be great!' Screwed again! No flying cars! No flying cars!
  • Jerry Falwell said that the reason that September 11th happened, the reason that God allowed it to happen, was because of certain people in our country. People like, and I'm quoting, 'the pagans,' which is a motorcycle group. Feminists; he brought up feminists. He used the word even. 'God,' I thought, 'I haven't heard that word in a while. Did he really think it was feminists? Is that what upset God? That women, a number of years ago, had decided to leave the kitchen, and enter the work place, and demand equal wages, and demand power equal to a man? That's what upset God? That God looked down into the kitchen, and there was not a stew on the oven and the spice rack was in disarray. He said, I will SMOTE them!' And I couldn't believe it, he said that God had actually talked to him and said, these were the people. That was the reason. It was those people, and that was the reason God allowed this to happen. And I thought, 'That's odd.' Because God had called me 12 hours before, and he said, the reason he was upset was because of people like Jerry Falwell.
  • I will tell you, that you Christians have created a holiday that has become a beast that cannot be fed. Every year, Christmas gets longer and longer and longer, and you don't care, do you? You just take more and more of the calendar for yourself. It's unbelievable. How long does it take you people to shop?! It's beyond belief. It's insane. When I was a kid, Halloween was Halloween, and Santa wasn't poking his ass into it!
  • Thanksgiving used to be Thanksgiving, and it was its own holiday, not Christmas: Part 1. When I was a kid, you ate, and you drank, and you passed out and nobody woke you up and said, 'Let's go shopping.'
  • When you compare Christmas to Hanukkah, there's no comparison. Christmas is great. Hanukkah sucks! First night you get socks. Second night, an eraser, a notebook. It's a Back-to-School holiday!
  • Some people have religion as a means of solace. But, I had a dreidel, so that was out.
  • Candy corn is the only candy in the history of America that's never been advertised. And there's a reason. All of the candy corn that was ever made was made in 1911. And so, since nobody eats that stuff, every year there's a ton of it left over. And the candy corn company sends the guys out into the villages, to collect out of the dumpsters all the candy corn we've thrown away. They wash it! They wash it! I'll never forget the first time my mother gave me candy corn. She said, 'Here Lewis! This is corn that tastes like candy!' (takes it, eats it) ... 'This tastes like crap!' And every year since then, Halloween is returned and I, like an Alzheimer's patient, find myself in a room, and the room has a table in it, and on the table, is a bowl of candy corn. And I look at it, as if I've never seen it before. 'Candy corn,' I think. 'Corn that tastes like candy. I can't wait.' (takes it, takes a bite) 'SON OF A BITCH!'
  • N'Sync and Aerosmith are two bands that don't even belong in the same STATE as eachother!
  • I have N'Sync and Aerosmith and Britney Spears. I have a trifecta from hell.
  • The weather is out of control throughout the entire country. Where ever you go, it's 90, then it's 30, then it's 80, then it's 20, and my balls can't take it. They're big and then small. Big, small, big, small. Apparently, I can't have kids, cause my sperm are gagging. –
  • Normally, in February, in Boston and in most of the country, the weather is gray, rainy, gray, sleet, gray, rain, gray, sleet, snow, gray; every day it just gets grayer and grayer and grayer! You wake up one day, and you go, 'I'm not comin' into work today!' Your boss goes, 'Why not? You sick?' 'No! It's too gray!'
  • Then you wake up and it's the grayest day you've ever seen! And the next day, it's even grayer! And that's usually Valentine's Day, and that's the day you look at your wrists and go, 'Hey, maybe I should slit 'em to see color!'
  • I was in Boston, Massachusetts, and in four days I experienced five seasons. It was 30, it was 60, it was 90, then it was 12, on the last day there was thunder, there was lightning, and there was snow. TOGETHER! And I hadn't done drugs, cause when you're lyin' in bed and you hear thunder outside, and you get up to look, you have an expectation. And it's not snow, with lightning behind it. That's fucked up. They don't even write about that weather... in the Bible. I imagine if a Prophet had seen that kind of crap, after he wiped the poop out of his pants, he'd a told us about it!
  • They’re extraordinary, they’re like mystery stories! You don’t even know what they’re selling, until the very end. Three rabbits are on a log, and one of them goes home and hangs himself- buy a bike!
    • On Super bowl commercials
  • You know a religion has no sense of humor, when a guy can stand up and say, ‘you know, if you commit suicide for Allah, after you die you will be met in heaven by 70 virgins,' and nobody in the room just goes, 'AHAHAHA! Son of a bitch! That was great!'
    • On Fundamentalist Muslims
  • They believe if they kill themselves that they will be met in Heaven by 70 some odd virgins. Imagine that kind of faith. To think that that would happen. When I haven't met one ON EARTH!
    • On Fundamentalist Muslims

[edit] Nothing’s Sacred

  • Now, most of the time you couldn't be too sure of the quality of the drug. Although, in my experience the stuff was always of a very high quality, because back then we didn't have business majors peddling lower-quality stuff in an effort to increase profits.
  • This book is dedicated to all of my friends who helped me get to where I am today - you know who you are.... and when I find you I am going to kill you.
  • How our government works... it doesn't.
  • Allow me to explain how our federal government works. To begin with, by the federal government I mean Democrats and Republicans working together. And the only thing dumber than a Democrat or a Republican is when those pricks work together. You see, in our two-party system, the Democrats are the party of no ideas and the Republicans are the party of bad ideas. It usually goes something like this. A Republican will stand up in Congress and say, "I've got a really bad idea." And a Democrat will immediately jump to his feet and declare, "And I can make it shittier."
  • Why do Bush and his Christian buddies believe marriage is between a man and a woman? Because it says so in the Bible - the Old Testament to be exact. Of course, they've forgotten we have a thing in this country called the "separation of church and state" or, as I like to call it in layman's terms, "the tough shit law." But they also seem to have forgotten that the New Testament is the Christian Bible and the Old Testament is the Jewish bible. Please allow me to speak on behalf of my people: "Keep your fucking Christian Right noses out of our reading material!"
  • I'm not big on Halloween. I never have been. As a kid my parents would send me out to collect for UNICEF, which just screws up the whole holiday. You're wearing a costume and people are giving you pennies and you're going, "Well, give me some candy, you fuck." And the grown-ups tell you, "Absolutely not. You've got your pennies. Now go build a village, you little shit." It still brings a tear to my eye.
  • I don't believe pumpkin pie is even made from pumpkin. I mean, how can something that smells that shitty make a pie so sweet? There's not enough sugar in the universe.
  • If you've lived in the winters up here [Connecticut], and the word "fuck" hasn't crossed your mind... you have anger management issues.
  • There are things about the Jewish religion that I carry with me to this day. Chief among them is Yom Kippur, or the Day of Atonement, as it's so happily called. It had a profound effect on my innocent young mind. The service opens with the organ playing "Kol Nidre," one of the spookiest pieces of music ever written. You hear it and literally are surprised bats and shit aren't flying around
  • The Catholics have it right. I love what they do. That whole "the pope's infallible" thing is tremendous. Let's face facts: If you took somebody with no religious leanings whatsoever and locked that person in a psych ward with nobody around and no stimuli, the Catholic church is exactly what he'd come up with. "Listen to this. There's this old guy in a dress, see? He wears all these great costumes and wherever he says about anything from birth control to what to watch on television, that's it, 'cause pope knows best. He can't lift his head up, but, fuck, he's a genius.
  • Let's talk about cellular phones. I don't want to dwell on it, because my heart can't take it. For starters, the rate structures are completely incomprehensible, much like Medicare reform, which is actually written in Latin. No one knows what the rates mean until the first bill arrives. Hell, nobody knows what the rates mean even after the second or third or hundredth bill arrives. What the hell are "country wireless license taxes" and "federal wireless number pooling and portability charges" anyway? Fuck if I know! Only in this day and age can we come up with a device that makes us feel that we are getting convenience when in fact it is nothing but inconvenient. When you desperately need your cell phone, there is no juice left. And those nights when you fear your car will break down on that lonely stretch of road, you thank God you have a cellular phone and can call for help.... But there won't be any service in the middle of Hoohah, USA. There never is. They don't build towers there. Folks are afraid they won't be able to birth any more babies with a big-ass tower pumping them full of God knows what. So you'll just be sitting at the side of the road, waiting for the guy with the hook to come and kill you. And I guarantee you this. After he's knocked you to the ground and he's about to swing that big old meat hook at your head, his fucking phone will ring. Somehow, psychopaths always get service.

[edit] The Carnegie Hall Performance

  • You don't fuck with Carnegie Hall.
  • I'm only allowed to say 'fuck' twelve times.
  • I don't know if you realize, but I use the word Fuck, so that I can think of other stuff.
  • I happened to have thrown a zippo lighter that was given to me as a gift into my bags, forgetting that zippo lighters are verboten! All lighters of any type; you do not bring these on the plane anymore! But you can bring matches. You can bring matches. You wonder at times why you can’t think clearly. That’s the fuckin’ reason. They tell you, ‘Here, You can’t take a lighter because it lights, but you can take matches.’ That’s why we're fucked! Your brain can’t cope with that kind of logic! The left hand side of the brain looks at right side of the brain and says, "I'm going to take a nap."
  • Maybe there are a group of gay banditos...who, every night climb into a van and go from village to dell, from community to community. They wander, and as the sun is coming down, just setting over a suburban village, the gays drive in. And there in a cul-de-sac, there in the light of a house, you can see a young American family, sitting down for their evening meal. And those gays, those gays, put on their masks and their festive colored robes, and sneak slowly into the house...and begin to FUCK EACH OTHER IN THE ASS! And another American family is destroyed.
  • Yom Kippur is coming, and for Jews everywhere, what a treat it will be. Nothing better than to trundle into a half air-conditioned synagogue to sweat your nuts off and listen to the wonderful music of the Kol Nidre. Oh Boy. What a...only the Jews, ONLY the Jews, could come up with a holiday that is depressing on a level that you can't begin to imagine.
  • [On Yom Kippur] The rabbi intones that today is the day that God will put your name in the Book of Life...or the Book of DEATH. I'm five, and I'm going, "Uhhh, what the fuck is that? The book of WHAT?!?" Death? Death was not anything that had ever occurred to me. My greatest fear was that my parents were going to leave me in a grocery store."
  • I was on CNN in Atlanta at one o'clock in the afternoon because apparently everybody else was asleep, and they asked me what I thought of CNN and I said, "I liked CNN until you started that writing on the bottom." I don't know why it's there. Why do you put writing on a television set? We watch TV...BECAUSE WE DON'T WANNA READ! We want somebody to read the shit to us so we can close our eyes and touch our nuts!
  • How come when Christians interpret the Bible, and shit like [Hurricane Katrina] happens, it is not seen as some sort of retribution? That's what God did in the Old Testament. You fucked up, HE KICKED YOUR ASS!
  • That is why I like the Catholics, because they came up with confession. On any given day, if you fuck up, you race over the the goddamn church and you get in that little booth with that guy... ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?? And the priest is like, 'That'll be great, do five Hail Maries and a side order of fries.' AND YOU'RE DONE! And God loves you."
  • iPod [sic] now has music on a fucking credit card. Eventually they'll have it so that you wear underwear and you just hear it in your head.

[edit] Red, White, and Screwed

  • [to the tune of Jingle Bells] Say Fuck! Say Fuck! Say fuck fuck fuck, fuck fuck fuck, fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck, Don't say fuck, he said fuck, you can say fuck too!
  • I was home alone watching George Bush speak on television. So it was just really the two of us. And as I listened to him, I realized, that one of us... Was nuts! And for the first time ever, I went, "Wow, it's not me!" Here's why I think there's something a little odd with George. Because a lot of the times when he speaks, his words don't match his face. Something is askew. You can't talk about the war with a smile on your face. He does it constantly. IF you're the President, you should go "We're going to talk about the war, I must have a frowny face." The only time you can smile when you're talking about the war in Iraq is when you go, 'Well, two Iraqis walk into a bar, hahaha.'
  • I would love to have the faith to believe that the world was created in seven days... but I have thoughts... and that can really fuck up the faith thing, just ask any Catholic priest.
  • Dick Cheney. That's all I've got to say.
  • He stopped the queers! I love you too.
  • "Equestrian," by the by, is the gayest word in the English language. In fact, I thought Brokeback Mountain should have been called "Two Equestrians."
  • That's exactly the sound that was going on in my head, only it was much louder and in the background ten-thousand chimps were shitting.

[edit] The Daily Show

  • A week ago today, the northeast experienced the biggest blackout in history. And since then, everyone's been sharing their stories of how they got through the blackout. And I'd just like to say to them: SHUT UP!
  • Wow, you survived a blackout. You're made of stronger stuff than ice cream.
  • Contrary to myth, there won't be a baby boom nine months from now. Population researchers say there's no proof that people have more sex when the power goes out. I know I didn't have any sex during the blackout. How could I? MY COMPUTER WASN'T WORKING!
  • Oh my God! Wal-Mart's about to MARCH ON POLAND!
  • Let's face it, Americans are fat all year round, but the holidays are when we really hit our stride. And you can bet the food we eat will be just as unhealthy as the families we're forced to visit.
  • Richard Simmons can KISS MY ASS!! You know why people in this country get fat? Thanksgiving! The day where there is never enough food. You can't just have a turkey, NO... there has to be a roast beef or a ham too... or BOTH! It's the only day we have mashed potatoes and sweet potatoes... and sweet potatoes aren't sweet enough so we put marshmallows on em' or we slop on the maple syrup. Then there is every green vegetable, 3 salads and a jell-o mold! And after all that you have to have at least, what, 7 desserts! 4 pies, 2 cakes and don't forget the rice pudding! And let's top it all off with a couple of quarts of non fat ice cream just to take the edge off!! And why do we eat so much? We're home... we're with our family... we're tense... we're edgy... neurotic... PSYCHOTIC! So instead of eating each other, we eat the weight of our family... IN FOOD! So the next day, our tummies stretch out and we have to eat more to keep them satisfied. Then there's Christmas parties and we drink too much liquor because we hate our boss... and he owes us! Then it's Christmas and we're eating like idiots... New Years Eve, more liquor and we wake on January 1st and think "I am a big fat pig!" So, we spend a whole lot of time trying to lose the weight and by the time we almost lost it, it's Thanksgiving again and we're blimping up! 20 years of holidays and I gotta tell you this, you're a FATTY FAT FAT! Back to you, Craig.
  • This is Grand Theft Auto 3. The object of this game, WHO CARES? I'm too busy randomly hitting an old lady with a bat, carjacking a station wagon and running over people, or, my personal favorite, running over the person whose car I just stole, WITH THE CAR I JUST STOLE! Now, THIS is a video game! Rescuing the princess is for PUSSIES!

[edit] Taxed Beyond Belief

  • [On the tax instruction form] You know what would help the instruction form? Verbs! Verbs would be nice! Because they help you get to the end of a thought!
  • [On the American tax code] If I wanted to be bored by 6,000 pages of unreadable dreck, I'd read War and Peace four times.
  • Some of these people have come up with some very elaborate arguments [for not paying taxes]. For instance, there were these guys, in Indiana and Nebraska, and they argued that Indiana and Nebraska weren't states, which was a pretty valid argument in the late 1700s. But in 1995 and '96, well I saw a map and at that time, trust me, Indiana and Nebraska are shitholes, but they're states. I saw them! They were right there in the middle someplace. I may not be able to point them out immediately, but I know they're there. And then there was the man who declared in court, he wasn't a person. "Escuse me, sir, why haven't you paid your taxes." "Well, as you can clearly see, I am not a person." "Well, you look like a person." "No it's all done with mirrors, trust me!"

[edit] Accepted

  • American education is in the shitter right now.
  • You can take your Ph.D and shove it up your a-s-s.
  • Fuckin' A!

[edit] Unsourced

  • The last person to get across that town in under three hours was yelling, 'The British are coming! The British are coming!'
    • - On Boston Traffic
  • Turns out we've all been eating the wrong thing... since the dawn of civilization!
    • - On The Atkins Diet
  • But those aren't the flavors. That'd make too much sense. Apple and pear, according to Dr. Phil, are body types the bars are made for. Hey, I've got some advice. If you look like an apple or a pear, eat an apple or a pear!
    • - On Dr. Phil’s energy bars
  • Bill Gates: "The goal is to give every child the same education opportunities that I had"
Lewis Black: "YOU DROPPED OUT OF SCHOOL!!"
  • Oh don't even go ohhhhh! Don't appall me, this is my hometown, don't fucking whine to me. Don't go ohhhh! Watch her show, watch it for an hour and then come and fucking cry to me. "Oh today we are going to macrame a fetus," SHUT UP!
Lewis Black : "The Funniest celebrity in Washington, D.C. contest; diatribe on the audience's reaction after a joke he made about Dennis Kozlowski's umbrella stand being made out of Martha Stewart's vagina.

[edit] See also

Wikipedia
Wikipedia has an article about:

The Daily Show

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