Magnum, P.I.

Magnum, P.I. (1980 - 1988) was an American television show, airing on CBS, that followed the adventures of Thomas Magnum (played by Tom Selleck), a private investigator living in Hawaii.

Season 1

Don't Eat the Snow in Hawaii [1.01]

Higgins: Don't ruin my whiskey with ice! I'm not a bloody American!

---

Magnum: Higgins, you yo-yo!

Don't Eat the Snow in Hawaii (Part II) [1.02]

[Alice asks Thomas about his days serving in the Navy]

Alice Cook: Why did you quit, Tom?

Magnum: It was nothing earth-shattering. One day I woke up age 33, and realized I'd never been 23.

China Doll [1.03]

Higgins: You have to get into the safe first, Magnum.

Magnum: [wiggles eyebrows] I know.

Thank Heaven for Little Girls and Big Ones Too [1.04]

Magnum: [Narrates] So far this case had cost me my right to the wine cellar, the last cash in my pocket, and nearly my life. If that clerk was lying to me, I was gonna come back down here and shove that Robin Masters paperback in his ear!

---

Magnum: I'm not an intruder, I'm a guest!

Higgins: Guests eventually leave.

Skin Deep [1.06]

Karen Wolfe: [to Magnum] So, a woman can’t go out like a man, huh? She takes pills. Swims out to sea or slits her wrists, but she ain’t got the guts to blotto the old face, isn’t that what you said Tony, huh? Here’s one woman who’s going to take it right between the big blues, just to show you how smart you really are.

---

J.J. Stein: I told him. I told that lousy writer that that scene was sick. I didn't even enjoy reading it. No. He insisted we keep it in. Damn writers.

Never Again... Never Again [1.07]

Higgins: Magnum, feed the lads, would you? There are steaks in the freezer. [Magnum makes an excited face] Very well, you can have one too.

The Ugliest Dog in Hawaii [1.08]

Magnum: There are times when one human being really shouldn't take advantage of another ... but this wasn't one of them.

---

T.C.: [Pulls Magnum out of trouble and a bullet cracks the windshield] Some things never change.

Missing in Action [1.09]

T.C.: Whoa! What's with this Abbott and Costello routine, 'You owe me 50, I'll loan you 10'? Forget it!

Magnum: Oh, okay! Thanks, I owe you one! [speeds off in the Ferrari]

---

T.C.:(Looks at the screen) Did it ever occur to you that boy can not count past one?

Lest We Forget [1.10]

[Higgins is being nice to Magnum, because he wants him to play bridge with him]

Higgins: Put Magnum's bill on my tab. [bartender looks very surprised, hands up in the air in defense]

Bartender: I always do.

[Higgins is trying not to get angry at Magnum]

Higgins: Tomorrow at three?

Magnum: I'll try.

All Roads Lead to Floyd [1.13]

Magnum: I'm trying to tie up the loose ends, Floyd, you know, like those TV detectives.

---

Magnum: [after Higgins' dogs each deliver a note to his door] First note was from Cindy. She said Higgins was going to the club, and she'd asked if she could tag along. She hoped I didn't mind. And then she thanked me again for helping her, and told me I was wonderful. The second note was from Higgins. I really can't repeat what he said. Let me put it this way –- he didn't think I was wonderful.

The Black Orchid [1.16]

(Higgins is enchanted by the Rolls Royce)

Magnum:Higgins I'd like you to meet... Orchid.

J. "Digger" Doyle [1.17]

[A kid drops off Higgins' resignation and the car]

Magnum: Did he tip you?

Kid: $20.

Rick: That's not Higgins, Thomas.

Beauty Knows No Pain [1.18]

Magnum: [narrating] Hawaii's like every sensual woman I've ever known. She can have raging, violent bursts of temper, followed by incredible calm, and peacefulness. Today was one of those days of true serenity, when even the great tourist wave seems to recede. I mean, I couldn't believe the stillness.

Season 2

Billy Joe Bob [2.01]

Higgins: As you may have noticed, I've fired the groundskeeper. Until I can find a successor, I'd like you to assume some of the responsibilities.

Magnum: But Higgins, I don't know the first thing about gardening!

Higgins: I assure you, the kind of work I had in mind requires no intelligence what so ever.

Magnum: Like what?

Higgins: Like distributing 1500 lbs. of recycled vegetation that was delivered this morning.

Magnum: Recycled vegetation!? What do you mean 'recycled vegetation'? Recycled how?

Higgins: [smiles] Through a cow.

Dead Man's Channel [2.02]

Rick: You better be right, sweetheart.

Magnum: Come on, when have I ever been wrong?

Rick: I can't count that high.

---

Magnum: This was one of those days I wish I'd listened to my mother and studied to be an orthodontist. Looking into someone's mouth has gotta be better than staring death in the face.

The Woman on the Beach [2.03]

Higgins: After the war, the Cliffords suffered some sort of a disgrace. They were ostracized from society. I don't imagine you'd understand that sort of thing, would you, Magnum? On the other hand, perhaps you would.

---

Magnum: [narration] If I believed in ghosts, I'm sure I'd be frightened by now, but, since I didn't, the pounding in my chest must have been due to exertion.

From Moscow to Maui [2.04]

T.C.: Um, T.M., did you come up with this plan all by your lonesome?

Magnum: Yeah. What's the matter?

T.C.: I don't know. Well, I don't know yet. I just keep remembering the plan you had to get all the POW's out of Cambodia.

Magnum: T.C., there is no comparison between that plan and this one.

T.C.: I hope not. I don't need any more scars.

---

Magnum: [to Yuri] Remember I told you I didn't like getting egg on my face? Well, right now, I'm wearing a whole omelet.

Memories Are Forever [2.05]

Magnum: [narrates] Dreams are supposed to represent your subconscious wishes and conflicts. It's sort of a private movie you write, produce and direct. Only you can't hide your eyes in your dreams, even when they are scaring you to death.

Tropical Madness [2.07]

Higgins: A formal complaint has been lodged with you in regarding both unbecoming behavior and flagrant violations of the club's dress code.

Magnum: Oh come on Higgins, I'm clean. I'm on the beach.

Higgins: It's interesting how the guilty party defends himself, even before he's been accused.

Rick: Oh, Thomas is usually accused before there's a complaint...That came out wrong, didn't it?

Wave Goodbye [2.08]

Magnum: [narrates] One of the clichés of my profession is that to get information from a bartender you have to slip him some bills of various denominations; Bills that you can't afford, with pictures of unfamiliar presidents. And usually for information that isn't worth it. However, this was a special case and I wasn't in the mood for games.

---

Magnum: [narrates] Hawaii is one of those places that, keeps topping itself. Just when you think you'll never see another sunset as beautiful, there comes a sunrise that only Gauguin could imagine. It kind of makes unemployment easier to take.

Mad Buck Gibson [2.09]

Magnum: [Narrates] You know, there's some quotations that would make good rules to live by, for instance "never drive behind an old man wearing a hat", or another, "it's always brightest just before the storm". If I'd have remembered that one, I'd have really been on my guard, because the afternoon it all started, was a truly beautiful day.

---

Magnum: [during the chase of Mad Buck, who is joy-riding in the Ferrari] I was looking at several very grim possibilities involving the destruction of Buck, the Ferrari, innocent by-standers, and any combination thereof.

The Taking of Dick McWilliams [2.10]

Magnum: [narrating] Rule one in kidnapping cases: always call the Police. Rule two in kidnapping cases: never call the Police. The truth is you flip a coin and take your chances...

---

Magnum: [about Rick's black eye] So who was it Rick?

Rick: D'you think it needs more wine?

Magnum: Rick, come on, who was it?

Rick: Catherine.

Magnum: ...Catherine who?

Rick: [desperately trying to change the subject] T.C., what about the peppers?

Magnum: Rick!

Rick: I don't know, they don't have a last name.

T.C.: Who doesn't have a last name?

Rick: [long pause]: Nuns.

[T.C. and Magnum burst out laughing]

Rick: W-well what's so funny?!

T.C.: You mean to tell me, a NUN gave you that shiner?

Rick: She thought I was trying to steal her car!

[T.C. and Magnum laugh even harder]

Rick: Hey, she was a big Nun!

The Sixth Position [2.11]

Magnum: If this had been a regular hire, I would have told "Ms." Chase where to stick her toe shoe, but, since it came through Robin, I had to take a deep breath, count to ten, and remember my blessings.

---

Rick: I just put you on a case, Sherlock.

Magnum: You can't do that. I'm already on a case.

Rick: Yeah, well now you're on two. And boy, are you gonna thank me.

Magnum: Boy, am I gonna kill you.

Ghost Writer [2.12]

Magnum: [narrating] I was running late; I'd taken too much time getting dressed; and that's a bad sign – instead of worrying about the job I was going to do for my client, my mind was taken up with picking exactly the right tie; as if it matters.

Virginia Fowler: I like that tie.

[Magnum turns and smiles to camera]

---

Rick: Alright, I'll do the favor; But let's get one thing straight – I'm not gonna put on ANY dumb disguise, I'm not playing garbage men, delivery men, sewer men, any other kind of men, is that… that's final now, right?

Magnum: Of course.

[Cut to next scene, where Rick is dressed as a bakery delivery man]

The Jororo Kill [2.13]

Magnum: Nuns don't work on Sunday.

Computer Date [2.14]

Magnum: Normally, the chance to make Higgins sweat would have seemed like a lot of fun. Today, it barely raised a smile.

---

Rick: [to Magnum] This is a private club. Unless you've got membership money pal, I suggest you leave, and leave now.

Try to Remember [2.15]

Higgins: He drove Robin's Ferrari over a cliff?

T.C.: Well, I'm sure he didn't do it on purpose!

Higgins: One can never be sure with Magnum. Well, he'd better survive if he knows what's good for him.

Italian Ice [2.16]

Margo: [on seeing T.C.'s helicopter fly past the Estate] Who's that?

Magnum: Oh, that is a buddy of mine, and he sometimes flies tourists over the Estate to see what famous person might be sun-bathing naked on the beach.

Margo: Well I'm not famous or naked.

Magnum: You will be,[pauses]famous.

One More Summer [2.17]

Magnum: [narrating] Even in the Hawaiian sunshine, football, to me, smelt like fall in New England. Some place there should be a prep band playing, pretty girls in short skirts, and I was 21 with an arm that could throw passes all afternoon.

---

Higgins: [after Magnum has moved out of the guest house] Isn't it glorious, lads. I find the silence and serenity sublime. ...No screeching of tires past my window in the early morning hours ...No strange sounds emanating from the guest house ...No more sordid and tawdry guests ...No more abuse of private property ...No more Magnum.

Texas Lightning [2.18]

Magnum: [narrating] Life on the islands has an irresistible rhythm; Days merging together like waves on the beach, that's why I never understood why people get excited over artificial events. For example, a birthday should be a private time, with maybe a run on the beach to celebrate, not the big, embarrassing fuss a person's friends always make over it. I should know because it was my birthday, and I knew Rick and T.C. would be planning something special. What I didn't know was that the day would be one of the biggest disasters of my life.

Double Jeopardy [2.19]

Magnum: [narrating] Even on the red-eye it's wonderful flying into Honolulu for a vacation in paradise. But, it's not nearly so wonderful when you're a Private Investigator who's just spent two weeks in Bakersfield on a case and been stiffed by your client. And it's even worse when you're ride from the airport didn't show up, and the cab driver's listening to the Orange Blossom Special.

---

Mert: Higgins, the dogs are supposed to attack the Sushi Brothers, not Magnum.

Higgins: Sorry, force of habit. It won't happen again.

The Elmo Ziller Story [2.21]

Magnum: [narrating] Every day in the topics is part illusion; Rain clouds are actually rainbows ... the perfect wave breaks into a riptide ... conviction of immortality grows out of the endless summer. What I should have remembered is that illusion is always dangerous. But, on a perfect morning on the beach, who could remember fate?

---

Magnum: Howdy, partner. You just ride into town?

Elmo Ziller: Somebody told me you was a pretty good detective.

Magnum: Terrific. I ain't had a rustlin' case all year.

Three Minus Two [2.22]

T.C.: [to Magnum] I knew this investigative business was easy, else you wouldn't be in it.

Season 3

Did You See the Sunrise? [3.01]

Higgins: [to Magnum] There’s some tea on the table, and some scones. You might try the strawberry jam too, it’s really quite good. An old comrade from the Burma campaign sent it to me -- Tanky Moran. Got his name when he single-handedly took on a Japanese tank and knocked it out [pause] now he’s selling jam in Devonshire.

---

Mac: Look, why don’t we just tell him?

Col. Greene: He’s a civilian, this is a military operation. Besides, I learned a long time ago that if you tell Magnum what’s going on, you’re liable to end up with egg foo yung on your face ... and you know how I hate Chinese food.

Did You See the Sunrise? (Part II) [3.02]

Magnum: Did T.C. show up?

Higgins: No. But Rick called. I do wish you'd get an answering service.

Magnum: I have one.

Higgins: My point exactly.

---

Ivan: I have plane to catch. If you are going to shoot me, do it now.

[Magnum stands emotionally torn]:

Ivan: [smiling] You won't. You can't. I know you Thomas, I had you for three months at Duc Hua. I know you better than your mother. Your sense of... honor and fair play. Oh, you could shoot me. If I was armed and coming after you. But like this? Thomas... never. Goodbye Thomas. Dasvidanya.

[Ivan walks past an unmoving Magnum]:

Magnum: Ivan?

Ivan: [turning back] Yes?

Magnum: Did you see the sunrise this morning?

Ivan: Yes, why?

[Magnum calmly turns and shoots him in the head]

Ki'is Don't Lie [3.03]

Higgins: Sometimes you amaze me, Magnum, truly. Your intuitive grasp of human nature is so...so...

Magnum: Perceptive?

Higgins: Pre-adolescent.

The Eighth Part of the Village [3.04]

Magnum: [narrating] Fate has a nasty way of popping up and waving it's long, bony finger under your nose. Sometimes it's a squeaker at 70 miles an hour; Sometimes it's a plane you missed that never makes it back from the Bermuda Triangle; But whatever it is, you always get the message: it's time to stop taking your good luck for granted.

---

Magnum: Make me a list of the favors I owe you and I'll take care of them.

Higgins: I already have a list. What I don't have is a reason to believe you.

Past Tense [3.05]

Magnum: [narrating] This morning in paradise was not much better than the one yesterday. In other words – it was perfect. And morning in paradise is the perfect time of day. A quiet run, then a swim; it's a time you're truly alone; a time when you're allowed to fully appreciate the rhythms of living. Besides, Higgins was going to be gone all day, and that made me appreciate the rhythms of living, even more.

Black on White [3.06]

Magnum: [narrating] Living alone has some terrific advantages, you can eat, sleep, go in and out, and burp whenever you want. It also has one terrific disadvantage – when you lose something, you've got no one to blame but yourself.

Flashback [3.07]

Magnum: I'm a peach of a detective.

T.C.: [To Rick]I can't believe you bought that. He ain't that good.

Foiled Again [3.08]

Magnum: [referring to Higgins' school day beanie] Higgins, you wore this?

Higgins: With pride.

Magnum: Put it on.

Higgins: What?

Magnum: I know your dying to see how it looks.

Higgins: No.

Magnum: OK. I need help with my tie.

Higgins: Magnum, you borrowed my tie?

Magnum: I thought it went with my outfit.

Higgins: None of my things go with yours. And for Pete's sake, a grown man who can't tie his own tie?

Magnum: I want a Double Windsor.

Higgins: Alright. Go over, and over again, and over again.

Magnum: [runs out the door] Thanks Higgins.

[Higgins puts on the beanie]

Magnum: [Sticks head in the doorway and laughs]

Mr. White Death [3.09]

Magnum: [narrating] I remember when I was five years old, I found this little puppy in the street. It had been hit by a car and was in pretty bad shape, so, I brought it home and my dad and I took it to the vet. One hundred twenty bucks. The little puppy grew into a big Saint Bernard; it ate a five hundred dollar couch and my dad's favorite arm-chair. The next day, my dad put it in the back yard, where it dug under the fence and ran away. Ever since then, I've been wary about taking in big, adorable pups, one of life's lessons you just have to keep learning over, and over again.

---

Magnum:(Discovering Higgins' old war nickname) Punky?!

Mixed Doubles [3.10]

Magnum: [after failing to hit serve over the net] I'm sorry Rick. I'm a little rusty on the serve. I just gotta get it up a little more, but when I do, it'll be a monster.

T.C.: Not with that follow through.

Magnum: What's wrong with it?

T.C.: You need more extension.

Magnum: I do?

T.C.: Mmm-Hmm

Rick: Try and keep this one on the court will you. We're running out of balls!

Magnum: Ok, this one will be in Rick, I promise. I will be just perfect. [starts his serve]

Higgins: Magnum! [Magnum send ball straight over the fence]

---

Magnum: [angry at being paired with Carrie Reardon] I knew it! That's why you paired me with her! To be her babysitter!

Higgins: Call it what you may, I didn't do it, Mr Masters did. Free Rent. Red Ferrari. [Magnum goes quiet] I'd thought that'd silence you.

Almost Home [3.11]

Magnum: You had breakfast?

Bridget: Are you kidding? I haven't eaten anything decent since Cleveland. Except maybe a moldy bear claw.

Magnum: I think I can do better than that.

Higgins: Don't bet on it.

---

Rick: [after being dazzled by Bridget's skills with gambling odds] I think I'm in love.

T.C.: [checks watch] Ten minutes to ten, I wondered how long it'd take you to fall in love today.

Heal Thyself [3.12]

Higgins: Dr. Harmon, any of us who have experienced the horrors of war have them indelibly printed on our minds. But that's the only place they exist. The war is over.

Dr. Harmon: Maybe it's never over. Maybe we always carry the war around inside of us. Like a time bomb, ticking away, waiting to go off.

Of Sound Mind [3.13]

[Magnum is "playing" the saxophone]

Higgins: Magnum....Magnum!.....Magnum!!

Magnum: Hi, Higgins!

Higgins: How fiendishly deceptive of you Magnum. I could have sworn I was hearing the emasculation of a large rodent. To my great surprise, I see the sounds are emanating from what I thought was a harmless musical instrument.

Magnum: Cute Higgins, real cute. [Magnum resumes playing saxophone badly]

Higgins: Why Magnum? Why do this terrible thing?

Magnum: Higgins, I'll have you know I used to be very good. I was the second best sax player in my High School band.

Higgins: Well how many sax players were there?!

Magnum: ...Anyway, I just saw this in a pawn shop window and thought I'd like to try and get my chops back.

Higgins: May I suggest that your "chops" are irretrievable.

---

Rick: I saw in this movie once where they bumped off this guy for his money. They took a lawn mower, an electric lawn mower, and threw it right in the bathtub. Bzzzzzzzzzz! It fried him just like that! You better take showers.

Magnum: Guys!

T.C.: Come to think of it, you better stay out of the kitchen too, all sorts of things can happen in there - Gas, poisoning, garbage disposals.

Magnum: Garbage disposals??

The Arrow That is Not Aimed [3.14]

Magnum: [as Higgins draws his sword] You know what they say about Samurai swords - you unsheath them, you gotta draw blood.

Higgins: I know!

---

Higgins: Magnum, you never cease to amaze me. I must know how you arrived at this remarkably astute conclusion with your limited knowledge of art.

Magnum: Would you believe me if I told you it came to me in a dream?

Higgins: Yes, because your conscious mind certainly isn't capable of such superior detective work.

Birdman of Budapest [3.16]

Higgins: I've taken all the verbal insults I intend to from you.

Elizabeth Barrett: You're right. It's time I got physical.

Magnum: Wait a minute. Let's not get carried away here.

Elizabeth Barrett: I won't, but he will.

---

Higgins: Why are you here scrambling eggs...

Magnum: They're not scrambled, they're over easy.

Higgins: ...instead of out looking for Tessa.

Magnum: I found him.

Higgins: You found him?

Magnum: Yes, I found him.

Higgins: You must take Elizabeth there at once.

Magnum: Higgins, he threatened to kill me.

Higgins: To make an omelet, one must crack a few eggs.

Legacy From a Friend [3.19]

Magnum: [narrates] When I write my book on how to be a world class private investigator, I'm going to include a chapter on listening to your little voice. Everybody has one, and mine was saying to stop Marcus and find out the real story behind his new car. Of course I didn't, which is another chapter, things I should have done, but didn't...

---

Magnum: Higgins, there is nothing, absolutely nothing, that you can tell Robin that he doesn't already know - that we havn't laughed about together.

Higgins: The potato chip heiress from Buffalo who filled the tidal pool with...

Magnum: A little misunderstanding, Higgins. After it was drained...

Higgins: And then there is the Romanian mime troop who...

Magnum: You...You're not going to bring that up. I mean, you were there when the paramedics arrived! You know!

Higgins: I will take note of the panic in your voice and those guilt-crazed eyes as a scent to my favor, albeit with the slightest reluctance.

Magnum: Wait a minute! This isn't a favor, this is extortion and blackmail!

Season 4

Home from the Sea [4.1]

[Magnum warily watches as a shark circles him]

Magnum: [narrating] I once had one follow me on my surf ski. He just hung a few meters off my rudder. I know I set a personal speed record getting back to shore that day.

Letter to a Duchess [4.6]

Higgins: For a moment, I failed to remember that the ways of a gentleman are patently foreign to you. I revere words like honor, integrity, chivalry -- words that are clearly not in your vocabulary.

Magnum: Higgins, enough! Knocking my rubber chicken or my sloppy habits is within the rules, but you're attacking my character. I would like to think you don't mean that.

Higgins: Yes, I'm sorry. It's just that you can't know what it's like to care deeply for someone and have your hope taken.

Magnum: Yes, I can.

Squeeze Play [4.7]

Higgins: You know lads, I sometimes view myself as a later-day Job, constantly being tested by our Creator. How else could I possibly justify four major wars, dozens of minor conflicts, seven natural disasters, and...

Magnum: Aha! Double play Tigers!

Higgins: ...Him.

---

[Higgins finds camera lens cap... without camera or lens]

Higgins: Oh my god. Where is it?

Magnum: [acting innocent] Where's what?

Higgins: The 110mm lens this cap should be covering.

Magnum: Higgins, I can explain.

Higgins: I am utterly sick and tried of those four pathetic words "Higgins I can explain".

A Sense of Debt [4.8]

Magnum: [narrates] When you spend your every working day basking in the balmy breezes of paradise, when you play year round on the beautiful sunny beaches of the Pacific, where do you dream of going on a vacation? The answer is obvious: Detroit. Reason one: Detroit's a fun city. Reason two: There's a superior group of athletes there known as the Tigers! Reason three:

T.C.: A free trip? You think you're going to get a free trip to Detroit on my tab Thomas?

Magnum: T.C., I'm doing you a favor.

---

T.C.: And Robin Master's little red wagon for the whole entire time that you're gone. Sorry Thomas, but I need wheels and I'm having problems with the van.

Magnum: What's wrong with it?

T.C.: It's not a Ferrari.

Operation: Silent Night [4.10]

Higgins: I, of course, have spent many a Christmas away from home and family. More times than I care to remember, in more places than I care to remember; Forgotten battlefields, and sometimes even forgotten wars. I think being at war, makes Christmas all the more bittersweet - peace on earth, and goodwill to all men, and all that.

---

Magnum:Rick, there's a bug in your hair.

Rick:Yeah, right.

T.C.:No, really, Rick, there's a praying mantis.

Rick:(mimicks)"Rick, there's a bug in your pocket," "Rick, there's a centipede," "Rick, there's a lizard." Well, I'm not buyin' it! (Rick walks off)

Rick: (screams)

The Case of the Red Faced Thespian [4.12]

[Magnum is at a fancy dress party in his normal trademark look]

Marge: Great costume!

Magnum: Oh, this isn't a costume.

Nolan: Really?! You wear that shirt in public?

No More Mr. Nice Guy [4.13]

Higgins: Magnum, stop living in the past.

Magnum: Me? Me?! Higgins, you've enshrined yours. You quote every boring war story like it was carved in stone.

Higgins: Boring?

Rick: Don't worry, Higgins, I like your stories.

T.C.: Yeah, me too.

Higgins: I do think I tell them with a certain panache.

Paradise Blues [4.15]

Magnum: [narrates] Ms. Wagner, my 11th grade English teacher, created a scandal in my hometown when she put All the King's Men on our mandatory reading list. She said she wanted us to understand the fatal attraction some men have for the very thing that will destroy them. Her love for the book got her fired and I never quite understood the attraction she was talking about, until the first day I saw Alex Carter and the way T.C. was looking at her.

The Return of Luther Gillis [4.16]

Magnum: Higgins, I can explain.

Higgins: I knew I could count on hearing that pathetic phrase once again, it is as regular as the rising and setting of the-

Magnum: Do you wanna know why or not?

Higgins: Not.

---

Luther: [narrating] I was beginning to get the feeling that I was stuck with the big guy for the duration. The only thing more depressing than that was this case, because we'd run out of leads. You try being a detective with no leads. It's like a tailor without a needle, or Godzilla without Tokyo, or...

Magnum: [narrating] A bad guy without a motive.

Luther: Did you say something?

Magnum: What?...Nope.

On Face Value [4.19]

Magnum: [narrates] When I write my book on being a first class private investigator, Rule Number 168 is going to be: "If you're getting chased, you should be in a fast car". [Pursuing car begins to gain] Postscript to Rule 168: "No matter how fast your car is, there can always be one that's faster.

I Witness [4.21]]

Magnum: [narrates] Hawaiian sunsets are among the most breathtakingly beautiful in the world. Grandly vibrant, uniquely different every day, they paint a palette with boundaries that stop only at the horizons of one's imagination. However, when the sun goes down, it looks the same all over the world. Whether you're in Milwaukee or Maui, it's dark.

Season 5

Echoes of the Mind [5.01]

Higgins: Lady Ashley, you look positively smashing, especially for a woman your age.

Mac's Back [5.03]

Magnum: After three days of surveillance, I was familiar with the rhythm of the street. At nine in the morning, those about to be sacrificed to the Hawaiian gods of sun, sea, and sand were making their ritualistic trek to the beach. I knew from experience that very few would return with their skin. At noon, the late risers and the serious souvenir hunters were prowling about, snatching up bargain buys on plastic hula skirts and cheap coral beads. At three-fifteen I got my afternoon treat. I called her Olga, for obvious reasons. The cops are pretty good about keeping hookers off the street during the day, but, I guess when you're as big as Olga, you can work any time you want. By sunset the last of the lobsters were returning from the beach, which meant my day was nearly over and all I had to show for it was a sore butt, and a case of heartburn.

---

Higgins: If you're going to drink yourself into a stupor, wouldn't whiskey be more effective?

Magnum: Too hard to keep an even buzz on with whiskey.

Fragments [5.06]

Magnum: Higgins, we are talking about saving my life.

Higgins: What is that, compared to saving an entire species?

Magnum: Of worms?!

Higgins: I rest my case.

Blind Justice [5.07]

Higgins: This morning I came to a startling and horrifying realization. Since your arrival at Robin's Nest, you have insidiously eroded away my sense of diligence. Security has fallen completely apart. The grounds are in a terrible state of neglect. This guest house should be condemned.

Magnum: It doesn't look so bad.

Higgins: The estate is completely overrun with your good-for-nothing friends, sleazy clients and unexpected guests.

Magnum: That is not true!

[Carol enters guest house]

Carol: Hi Thomas. The gate was open, so I just came on in.

[Magnum hangs head]

Murder 101 [5.08]

[T.C. and Rick are roped in to pad out the numbers of Magnum's class on how to be private investigator]

T.C.: I've heard that some private investigators don't even do any of that bone-numbing research and that they actually con other people to do it for them.

Rick: Yes, I've heard that also, but surely that can't be true.

All For One [5.15]

Magnum: Where you been, Tyler?

Tyler: Been to an execution.

Rick: Anybody we know?

Tyler: Mine.

T.C.: Well, I guess somebody messed up then.

---

Tyler: Got anything to drink?

Higgins: Certainly not. And I demand an explanation.

Tyler: Okay, General, just don't slug me, too.

Rick: Go ahead, Higgins, belt him if you want.

The Love-For-Sale Boat [5.17]

Magnum: A few vital statistics that explain why paradise is called paradise: there are three-hundred and twenty-six days of sunshine each year, an annual average temperature of eighty-six degrees, billions and billions of gallons of blue Pacific, and one Orville 'Rick' Wright, who will bet on anything.

Ms. Jones [5.19]

Magnum: Here in paradise, there are at least three different ways of looking at time; There's the traditional mainland kind of time – people say "let's meet at eight o'clock", and that's more or less what they mean. Then there's Hawaiian time, which is a lot more... flexible – eight o'clock may mean seven… or nine... or not at all... depending on an infinite variety of factors. However, even in paradise, there's also a time-frame which seems to operate on a mysterious circadian rhythm all it's own – bureaucratic time; Roughly, that translates into "stand in line until we're ready for you, and then do it our way, or not at all.

Torah, Torah, Torah [5.21]

Rick: [tracing a vehicle for Magnum] You know, do me a favor – next time when you give me the details, at least give me a little bit more than 'the big van was painted the same color as the boy's locker room in junior high', will ya?

---

[T.C. is brewing chili in Magnum's kitchen]

Higgins: My God, what is that odor?

T.C.: Higgie-baby, you're talking about my Aunt Rola's original, Creole flaming, bayou blasting chilli. Wanna try a little taste?

Higgins: Not without a paramedic in attendance.

A Pretty Good Dancing Chicken [5.22]

[Magnum is planning to go undercover in prison]

Jack Damon: I don't understand you, you think you're going to a summer camp?

Magnum: I think I got it in the right perspective, it's just a farm – I'm gonna do a little manual labor, and watch a lot of TV.

Higgins: Well at least you have experience in one of the two. [pauses] Be careful.

Season 6

The Kona Winds [6.04]

Magnum: This isn't a war you know. I mean, once nature sets it's course, you can't do anything to stop it.

Higgins: You can if you're British!

Round and Around [6.06]

Magnum: [narrates] I'm not really sure which kind of private investigator I am. The Holmesian-type with the constant deductive mind, or one with a Marlowe-type intuitive sense of the darker side of human nature? Hopefully a combination of both. At any rate, it doesn't matter. Not when you have a "little voice". I don't know, maybe a gently nagging "little voice" is just another way of adding what you know, to what you feel, but right now mine wasn't "gently nagging". It was screaming.

Find Me a Rainbow [6.18]

Magnum: [narrates] I must've seen a hundred rainbows since I've been in the islands, but each one just seems to take my breath away, despite the best efforts of Mr. Corkall, my high school science teacher. He used to lecture our class on light reflections and refraction, polarization and prisms, but I knew, I knew that that really wasn't what rainbows were all about. So when I got a "C" on my midterm, Mr. Corkall told me that he was really worried that I would go through life not understanding the importance of geometric optics. But to tell you the truth, I was a lot more worried Mr. Corkall might go through life not understanding the importance of a rainbow.

Who is Don Luis Higgins, and Why is He Doing These Terrible Things to Me? [6.19]

[Magnum is unsure if he's talking to Higgins or his half-brother]

Magnum: Tell me a story. The "Gunga Din Story"!

Higgins: For god sake Magnum, this is hardly the time!...

Magnum: If you're Higgins, anytime is the time! The "Gunga Din Story" now!

Higgins: Malaysia, 1943. Our regiment was hopelessly outnumbered and faced certain death. In our ranks was a young Lt. Ian Bowerly and during a lull in the battle he recited Gunga Din. I suppose to keep up our courage in face of the inevitable. His eloquent recitation grew increasingly louder until it thundered through the jungle. To our amazement, the Japanese troops walked forward. Although they spoke no English they were entranced by the poem. They allowed us all to leave the area unharmed except for poor Mr. Bowerly. As we made our escape we could hear him reciting other Kipling favorites, literally for miles. To this day, his fate remains unknown.

Magnum: Thank you. I believe your half brother is going to assassinate the president of Costa De Rosa.