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Quotes regarding masturbation, the act of sexual stimulation of one's self.


  • If God had intended us not to masturbate, he would've made our arms shorter.
    • George Carlin, quoted in Strean Jokes: Their Purpose and Meaning (1993), p. 72
  • You're gonna be pleasing each other, and if he already knows what pleases him, and he's gonna please himself, then why am I in the picture?
  • In this room, right now, each of you, in your own lives, has agonized over the fact that you have masturbated. Masturbation isn't sinful. If it feels good — do it. You have my blessing, and you yourself know how it relaxes you.

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