Masturbation

Quotes regarding masturbation, the act of sexual stimulation of one's self.

Quotes

• Don't knock masturbation, it's sex with someone I love.
  • Woody Allen, in Annie Hall 

• We know that more than seventy to eighty percent of women masturbate, and ninety percent of men masturbate, and the rest lie.
  • Joycelyn Elders, "Abstinence", Penn & Teller: Bullshit! (Showtime), 5 June 2006 

• You're gonna be pleasing each other, and if he already knows what pleases him, and he's gonna please himself, then why am I in the picture?
  • Christine O'Donnell, "IX: The Safest Sex of All", Sex in the 90s (MTV), 1996 

Unsourced

• Self improvement is masturbation.
  • Tyler Durden, in Fight Club

• I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.
  • Woody Allen

• I masturbate! I do it like I think if I keep doing it, I'm gonna win something.
  • Dave Attell

• If you're going to stop masturbating, you can't 'taper off'. You've got to quit, cold jerky!
  • Lenny Bruce

• The good thing about masturbation is that you don't have to dress up for it
  • Truman Capote

• If God had intended for us not to masturbate, He would have made our arms shorter.
  • George Carlin

• Masturbation: Shaking hands with the unemployed.
  • George Carlin

• My mother caught me.
  • George Costanza from Seinfeld

• Physics is to mathematics as sex is to masturbation
  • Richard Feynman

• The only thing about masturbation to be ashamed of is doing it badly.
  • Sigmund Freud

• Intercourse with a woman is sometimes a satisfactory substitute for masturbation. But it takes a lot of imagination to make it work.
  • Karl Kraus

• Masturbation is to sex as philosophy is to reality.
  • Karl Marx

• Sophisticated persons masturbate without compunction. They do it for reasons of health, privacy, thrift and because of the remarkable perfection of invisible partners.
  • P. J. O'Rourke

• We have reason to believe that man first walked upright to free his hands for masturbation.
  • Lily Tomlin

• If you're going to gamble your lives sexually, don't play a lone hand too much.
  • Mark Twain

Anonymous

• Masturbation is just like procrastination, it's fun at first, but in the end you're just screwing yourself.
  • Anonymous

• Marriage is like a game of bridge: if you don't have a good partner you'd better have a good hand.
  • Mae West