NCIS (TV series)

NCIS (2003-) is a CBS network television series about a team of special agents from the Naval Criminal Investigative Service that investigates any crime involving personnel or Dependants in the United States Navy or Marine Corps.

[edit] JAG Pilot Episodes

NOTE: Before being launched as its own series, NCIS was featured as a two part episode in Season 8 of the Series JAG

[edit] Ice Queen

Ducky: Agent Blackadder reminds me of a young woman I autopsied once.

Gibbs: [looking at the body] When'd she die?

Ducky: Oh, gosh, in Hollywood. Let's see, it's got to be at least 20 years ago. She was an assistant film editor and the film editor's wife caught them in flagrante delicto--

Gibbs: [interrupting] This one, Ducky. When did this one die?

Gibbs: Cause of death?

Ducky: Well, it wasn't the arrow.

Tony: [refering to the Caf Pow] Is that number 2 or 3 today?

Abby: If you must know, it's number 4.

Tony: [holds up evidence bag] I brought you a present.

Abby: [smiles] And you wonder why you're still single.

Tony: You redecorating?

Abby: I thought I'd brighten the place up a bit.

Tony: You take these?

Abby: Yeah, that's a cross section of what a 12 gauge did to an L3 to L5.

Tony: Shotgun-shattered backbone?

Abby: Ya, the middle one there is a cross section of an icepick to a cerebellum.

Tony: [grimaces, then looks at another picture] Duodenum?

Abby: Yeah; I like to call it "Duodenum with a lye chaser". It's a sad end of a Drano drinker.

Tony: You need to get out more, Abby.

Abby: Is that an invite?

Abby: [lifting a fingerprint for the victim's car] Let your fingers do the talking. [to Tony] Why'd they tow it?

Tony: It was abandoned in a lot at Great Falls. Any of those finger prints big enough to be a man's?

Abby: Yep. Whoever was riding shotgun.

Tony: How fast can you run 'em?

Abby: Usually about 12 hours, but for dinner...

Tony: Get me an ID in two, and I'll make it Cafe Alantico.

Abby: Sweet.

[Vivian is reading Rabb his rights]

Rabb: I know my Article 31 rights, and I waive them.

[she continues reading them]

Rabb: I said I waive them.

Gibbs: She used to be FBI.

[edit] Meltdown

Rabb: There are enough holes in this case to raise reasonable doubt.

Lt. Cmdr. Coleman: There is also enough evidence to tie you to the murders and a string of witnesses. Your colleagues will testify to angry words between you and Lieutenant Singer right up to the time of her death.

Rabb: Well, it could be worse, I guess.

Coleman: How?

Rabb: I could not have an alibi.

Coleman: [in annoyance] You have an alibi?

Rabb: No.

[Ducky is telling his findings in court]

Major McBurney: What else did you discover?

Ducky: On her left buttock, I found a tattoo of a stalking leopard. Majestic. Brilliant. I've only seen one other like it: on a tango dancer in Buenos Aires who died of dehydration. I was on sabbatical at the ti--

McBurney: [interrupts] Doctor, I was asking about Lieutenant Singer.

Ducky: She wasn't in Buenos Aires...

Coleman: Doctor isn't it possible that the LT's injuries were a result of an accidental fall?

Ducky: [very seriously] Well the railing is very high. It's quite unlikely. Unless the LT's unconscious body levitated and dropped over the side. I've heard--

Coleman: [cutting him off] Thank you Doctor.

[after finding Commander Rabb's name on the hat]

Abby: If the hat does fit, you can't acquit.

[both lawyers give Abby a funny look]

Abby: Oh, come on; one of you would have said it if you had thought of it first.

Vivian: I'm sorry, I almost blew it.

Gibbs: [disapprovingly] Almost?

Tony: I still like you.

[edit] Season 1

[edit] Yankee White [1.1]

Note: Agent Caitlin "Kate" Todd began the first episode as an agent with the United States Secret Service. A navy officer died while on board Air Force One and she was the Special Agent in Charge. Todd resigned the Secret Service at the end of the first episode and in the second episode joined NCIS.

Gibbs: We're LEO's.

TSA Agent Dennis: Ah, I'm a Capricorn.

Tony: LEO, short for Law Enforcement Officer.

Gibbs: Are you... new at this, Dennis?

Dennis: First week! [checks their papers] N-C-I-S. Never heard of it.

Gibbs: [to Tony] Now that's embarrassing.

Dennis: NCIS? That anything like CSI?

Tony: Only if you're dyslexic.

Tony: Gibbs, the pilot won't take off until the Secret Service chick gives us the... [sees Kate with Gibbs] ... thumbs up.

Kate: I think that just made it my team.

Gibbs: No, means I'm gonna have to hijack Air Force One. Tony, escort Agent Todd off this aircraft and close the hatch.

Kate: You're not serious! Wait. Fine. Your team. But just because I don't want to have to delay us any further by having to shoot you.

Tony: Excuse me. You'll need to stand clear so I can take measurements for my crime scene sketches. Thanks.

Kate: Sketches? You've taken a dozen photos.

Tony: [Picks up a men's magazine] Tell me her measurements.

Kate: You're pathetic.

Tony: No, I'm serious. Can you tell if she's 5'4 and a 34C or 5'7 and a 36D? You can't. Not from a photo. That's why we do sketches and take measurements. Thanks.

[Later]

Ducky: I thought your photo analysis was brilliant, Tony, but isn't 36D a bit of wishful thinking?

Tony: You think?

Gibbs: NCIS does not leak. These plans get out... you can shoot DiNozzo.

Kate: No, I think I'm destined to shoot you.

Gibbs: Rule Number One: Never let suspects stay together.

Gibbs: Rule Number Two: Always wear gloves at a crime scene.

Gibbs: Rule Number Three: Don't believe what you're told. Always double check.

Kate: Should I write these rules on my Palm Pilot, or crochet them on pillows?

Abby: What are you going to do while I test for poison in a health snack?

Tony: I'll wait.

Abby: There's a futon under the desk.

Tony: Bless you.

Abby: What are you, my priest?

Tony: Curse you?

Gibbs: [to Todd] You mind if I tag along? Please?

Abby: Wow, Gibbs said please!

Gibbs: You enjoyed playing my boss?

Ducky: I did rather.

[edit] Hung Out To Dry [1.2]

Gibbs: How long to find the acid and check out the rest of the chutes?

Abby: Well, I'm flying solo, so at least a day.

Gibbs: Go faster if you had an assistant?

Abby: Definitely.

Gibbs: Okay, you got the job.

Kate: I get to do forensics?

Gibbs: No, you get to schlep for Abby. She gets to do forensics.

Tony: Why didn't you take this fast to me, Abby?

Abby: You're like a piercing, Tony, it takes awhile for the throbbing to stop and for the skin to grow back.

Tony: Well, that's more than I wanted to know.

Abby: Sulfuric Acid. That'd chew the shine off a trailer hitch.

Kate: How'd you get into this?

Abby: I filled out an application.

[Later]

Kate: How'd you get into NCIS?

Tony: I smiled.

Tony: What's your chute number?

Marine: Four.

Tony: Four's unlucky in China.

Gibbs: We're not in China.

Marine: Why you jumping with us, Sir?

Tony: Always wanted to jump. Gibbs came along to laugh.

Gibbs: We're going with you boys. NCIS training mission.

Capt. Faul: Now why don't I believe that? Hell, why not! Hate to pass up an opportunity to toss a couple of NCIS agents out of a plane.

Gibbs: Come on, lets get you boots, you can't do field work in heels.

Tony: Depends what kind of field work!

Kate: DiNozzo, your mind goes from X to XXX.

Tony: Yeh...

Tony: Wow! In that outfit, you could be NCIS cover girl.

[edit] Seadog [1.3]

Gerald: You shoved a French cop off a cliff?

Ducky: There was a lake below!

Gibbs: Sixty feet below.

Kate: I was in the Secret Service, we tend to get all hot and bothered over large numbers of $100 bills.

Tony: Is that what does it for you?

Kate: What does it for me, Tony, is a mystery you will never find out.

Tony: But, I know the answer.... Grant.

Tony: [about to send drug kingpins to Gitmo as suspected terrorists] You do not have the right to remain silent. You do not have the right to an attorney. If you want an attorney, you won't get an appointment to see one. Do you understand these rights you don't have?

Abby: [while watching video of a terrorists van] Are we submitting to the Sundance Film Festival?

Tony: Yeah, best terrorist film category.

Abby: Sweet.

Tony: Well that gives you a warm fuzzy feeling doesn't it?

Gerald: What?

Tony: That Gibbs trusts us with a contaminated crime scene.

Tony: I feel like I just kissed my sister.

Abby: I didn't know you had a sister Tony.

Tony: I don't. I was fantasizing.

Abby: I need music to do that.

[edit] The Immortals [1.4]

Tony: No boss, you don't understand. I love Puerto Rico.

Kate: Been there a lot?

Tony: [excited at the beginning...trailing off at the end] No that's just it, I've never been there... I mean I'm so wanting to go. Ever since I was a kid I was just...so wanting...sorry...I just always...

Gibbs: [deadpan] Wanted to be there.

Tony: Yeah.

Ducky: Well if you'll excuse me, I'll get our poor seaman out of his wet clothes.

Tony: You're not going to say, and into a dry Martini, are you?

Tony: [to Gibbs] When you're a computer geek invading dungeons and fighting ogres, Jethro doesn't cut it. [look from Gibbs] ... Neither does Tony.

Kate: So they pretty much hate us.

Tony: Noooooooooo........... Pretty much.

Tony: Aren't you guys interested at all in what I brought you back from Puerto Rico?

Gibbs and Kate: [sighing] Sure. Fine.

[Tony grins and hands them a couple bags, Kate looks in hers]

Kate: You gotta be kidding.

Tony: A bikini. Two-piece.

Kate: A bottom. And a hat??

Tony: Puerto Rican!

Gibbs: Any chance you're going to try that on?

Kate: [tosses it at Gibbs] You first.

Gibbs: [looks over the bikini bottom] Trust me. It's not gonna fit.

Kate: Pigs. I work with pigs.

Tony: [as Gibbs is opening his gift] It's a fantasy RPG book. Complete with character sheets and dice. Baby steps, Gibbs. Baby steps.

Gibbs: It's in Spanish.

Tony: There's just no pleasing you, is there?

[edit] The Curse [1.5]

Tony: The golf clubs belonged to his RIO, Lt. Lynch.

Kate: RIO?

Tony: Radar Intercept Officer. Also called a GIBs, one B - short for guy in back.

Kate: [to Gibbs] What do you need two B's for?

Gibbs: Second one's for bastard.

Tony: That's kinda touching, Gibbs, remembering the day you hired me.

Gibbs: Yeah, well, it seemed like a good idea at the time.

Gibbs: If that thing came off an aircraft, someone filed a TFOA report for it.

Kate: TFOA?

Tony: Things falling off aircraft.

Kate: You're kidding.

Gibbs: Nope. Navy keeps records on that sort of thing, all the way back to biplanes.

Ducky: You know post mortem details can be extremely revealing. Remember that case four years ago, where the young Marine was buried in an anthill up to his neck?

Gibbs: Duck. It was eight years ago. [Points to a body in the morgue] How did he die?

Ducky: No, it can't be eight years. No, I know it wasn't! Four years ago your third wife hit you over the head with a baseball bat. I distinctly remember the ant-eaten Marine on that table there when I stitched you up.

Abby: Sailor on the half-shell!

Ducky: Oh, Abby, please...

Abby: Sorry.

Gibbs: How could she not know?

Randy: We met at Mark's memorial service.

Gibbs: What'd you say? 'I was passing by, dug the music, decided to drop in?'

[edit] High Seas [1.6]

Gibbs's voicemail: Gibbs. Talk.

Tony: Five years with Gibbs; I'm amazed the guy didn't end up in a strait jacket.

Gibbs: What was that?

Tony: Nothing, boss. Just praising your communication skills.

Kate: This...isn't the deck 5 berthing compartment, is it?

Sailor: (while standing at a urinal) No ma'am this is the men's head on deck 6.

Tony: For a crew that doesn't do drugs, you guys sure do a lot of drugs.

Ducky: [to Gerald after reenacting a death] You're supposed to be dead.

Kate: All I'm saying is that... things on the surface are not always the same as when you put them in context with the way they actually developed, you know, under the surface, kinda.

Tony: I have no idea what you said.

Kate: Neither do I. But the intent was sincere.

Gibbs: Above his mattress, below his mattress, inside his mattress. If there’s such a thing as a fourth mattress dimension, go over that too.

[edit] Sub Rosa [1.7]

Kate: [after she spills Gibbs' coffee] What do you put in your coffee?

Gibbs: Coffee.

Kate: Okay...I'll...just go down the hall and get you another cup.

Gibbs: That's...not coffee.

[after Gibbs storms out]

Tony: I've never experienced Gibbs without his morning coffee. We're in uncharted waters here, Kate.

Timothy McGee: I've heard stories about Special Agent Gibbs.

Tony: Only half of them are true...the trick is figuring out which half.

Kate: ....to replace me because I shave my legs and not my face is unconscionable and certainly not in the best interests of the case.

Gibbs: You claustrophobic?

Kate: No.

Gibbs: Good. [walks away]

Kate: I'm going?!

Tony: Don't forget to wax.

Gibbs: Go and un-hydrate.

Kate: I never heard it called that before.

[after DiNozzo throws a rock through a window to illegally gain entrance to a house]

McGee: That's breaking and entering.

Tony: No. That was breaking... and this is entering.

Kate: [after an emergency blow to the surface aboard a submarine] Wow...

Gibbs: Yeah, that's what they all tell me.

Tony: Listen kid, I don't want to hurt your feelings, but you're not exactly Abby's type.

McGee: I've taken care of that. Remember that urge you were talking about?

Tony: [nods]

McGee: I went with Mom.

Tony: [stands there in shock, realizing McGee just got a tattoo on his butt to impress Abby]

[Later]

Kate: I wonder what he said to make Tony speechless?

Gibbs: He told him he got a tat on his ass.

Kate: [Gapes at the elevator McGee just entered]

[edit] Minimum Security [1.8]

Tony: Normally I hate priority rides, but who cares if it's going to...

Gibbs: What's wrong with priority rides?

Tony: C'mon boss. You tellin' me you like sitting on canvas seats slung between cargo pallets?

Gibbs: Yeah, it makes me feel like I'm back in the Corps.

[Later]

Tony: [laughs, while on a Gulfstream Aircraft] I love priority rides. Boss, this is the best.

Gibbs: I miss canvas seats.

Gibbs: Did I say both of you?

Kate: Well, you didn't not say both of us, Gibbs.

Tony: Yes, she's kinda got a point there, boss.

Abby: Perfume is expensive, Gibbs. I can't just hang out at the Macy's tester tray with my lab kit. They frown on that sort of behavior.

[Later on in the investigation]

Abby: Perfume is the most powerful accessory a woman can wear.

Gibbs: How much did all this power cost us?

Abby: Around fifteen hundred.

Gibbs: Fifteen hundred DOLLARS???

Tony: [naked, to an Iguana that crawled into bed with him, with gun drawn] Halt!

[Kate and Gibbs hear him and rush in the room, guns drawn until noticing what happened]

Kate: [speechless]

Gibbs: I need coffee.

Tony: I think Sa'id copied Paula's key without her knowing it.

Gibbs: Now which brain is thinking that, DiNozzo?

Tony: (visibly angry with Gibbs) I'm hitting the rack.

Abby: Something's wrong. The files are too big.

Ducky: [chuckles] Not just the files.

Abby: My cursor has moved across places that would make Tony blush.

Gibbs: Why is that women always want to fix what doesn't need fixing?

Kate: Makes us feel all warm inside.

Gibbs: So does scotch, but it doesn't cost you a house.

[edit] Marine Down [1.9]

Tony: Gibbs'll get in. He's got clearance that'll let him see the dead aliens buried in Area 51.

Kate: Because he probably killed them.

Kate: What's your clearance?

Tony: Confidential.

Kate: Confidential? What'd you do? Kill someone in high school?

Tony: Hah. Funny, Kate. They screwed up my paperwork with another agent.

Gibbs: Yeah, DiNozzo died in a car crash last month. Very tragic.

Tony: They yanked my clearance and now I have to take a physical to get it back.

Kate: Why is that?

Tony: To prove that I'm still alive.

[At the shooting range Gibbs tapes Tony's hat on his target]

Tony: [protesting] Ah c'mon, boss. I've been breaking that cap in for three months. I love that cap.

Kate: Then don't shoot it.

Gibbs: Back this up? [tapes Kate's PDA to her target]

Kate: [protests] Ah, no no no, Gibbs. Come on, my whole life is in that thing.

Gibbs: Then don't shoot it. [walks away]

Kate: [to Tony] If we screw this up, I have a suggestion.

Tony: What?

Kate: We break into Gibbs' basement and set the boat on fire.

Tony: That's cold, Kate. I knew there was a reason I liked you.

Gibbs: Fire. Let's see how you do under pressure.

Tony: I'll bring the lighter fluid.

Kate: Deal.

[Later]

Abby: Very cool. Where can I get one of these? [admires Tony's bullet hole ridden cap]

Tony: You can have that one.

Tony: The eyes need to be bigger.

Kate: The eyes are fine, the nose needs to be bigger.

Tony: Fine, I'll put out an APB for Pinocchio.

Gibbs: Welcome to my world, Abby.

Kate: What does he want the LES for?

Tony: Kate, that's NCIS 101.

Kate: You have no idea.

Tony: Not a clue.

Kate: Is he really sleeping or is that just an act?

Tony: Oh, he's sleeping.

Kate: How can you tell?

Tony: He looks peaceful.

[Later]

Gibbs: Morning. Sleep well?

Kate: If you consider throwing up violently all night and being thrown around like a couple of rag dolls...

Tony: ...then yes, we slept very well, Boss. Thanks for asking.

[edit] Left For Dead [1.10]

Tony: Fell asleep working on your boat again?

Gibbs: Why'd you say that, DiNozzo?

Tony: Boss, I know the farm report when I hear it.

Abby: So I suppose you want me to find out what chastity belt this opens.

Gibbs: Do I look like DiNozzo?

Tony: Not funny, boss. Besides I can open a chastity belt.

Abby: Did you ever see one? Mine's awesome, eighteenth century French.

Tony: You have a chastity belt?

Gibbs: So much more information than I need to know about Abby.

Gibbs: Tests? On a Navy ship?

Tony: If I heard there were gonna be tests on a Navy ship you think we'd still be standing here?

Gibbs: Oh, forgot. Your minds work concurrently.

Tony: You remember when I stayed with you that time when it didn't really go so well.

Gibbs: Yeah, I remember, DiNozzo.

Tony: Well, I was younger then, immature, a little unfocused.

Gibbs: It was six months ago, Tony.

Gibbs: [on cell phone] No you will not put her picture on TV. I want whoever did this to think she's still dead. No, Kate, no. Our priority is finding the bomb. [closes phone] She's bonded.

Tony: Kate and Jane Doe?

Gibbs: Oh yeah. She hasn't even questioned her yet, 'Her eyes they just pleaded for help'.

Tony: Love that look in a woman.

Executive: Please tell me Suzanne is not dead.

Tony: Suzanne is not dead.

Executive: [stops typing]

Gibbs: Woops.

Tony: Big woops.

Detective: You're telling me the suits from Hoover didn't save The Man? [referring to the President, as seen in "Yankee White"]

Tony: Hell no it was N-C-I-us.

Detective: Not according to the TV reports.

Tony: When do they get it right?

Tony: We gotta do something, boss.

Gibbs: Have you ever made a mistake, Tony?

Tony: According to you or me?

Gibbs: You.

Tony: Yeah.

Gibbs: Could anyone make you feel better?

Tony: No.

[edit] Eye Spy [1.11]

Kate: [To a soaking wet and obviously freezing cold DiNozzo] You OK? What is it?

Gibbs: (grinning) Shrinkage.

Tony: I don't know what you just said, I don't care what you just said, just give me the number. Why is there an asterisk?

McGee: Ummmm, not sure.

Tony: [gives him a look]

McGee: ...sir?

Tony: That wasn't an "add a sir" look. That was a "you better find out why" look.

McGee: Oh.

Tony: 's alright. Rookie mistake.

Kate: [sees Tony coming in Ducky's uniform] Oh my god.

Tony: Don't even, okay.

Kate: Did I say anything?

Tony: You were. I know you were.

Kate: They're a touch small, but other than that, it's fine. And the bonus - no belt.

Tony: Hmmf!

Abby: You're on the air.

Gibbs: Hey Abbs.

Abby: Gibbs. How did we do with the moles?

Gibbs: Spooks, Abby, spooks.

Abby: I can never get that straight.

Gibbs: You still in touch with that old NASA boyfriend?

Abby: He wasn't a boyfriend, he was a boytoy, and yes, we IM almost every day.

Gibbs: You do?

Abby: Oh yeah.

Gibbs: That's good, right?

Abby: It's very good.

[Later, during a video-conference call]

Ashton (Boytoy): Greetings from NASA, NCIS.

Abby: Whoa, Ashton, that was so Star Trek.

Ashton: Sorry, I'm late. I had a cluster of frozen reactor coolant heading for the flight path of an Atlas liftoff. I had to delay the launch. They were not happy about it. I am, however, very happy to see you, Abby, and to help your NCIS crime-fighting colleagues.

[In the background Kate and Tony exchange amazed looks at this entire exchange]

Gibbs: ...and she plays golf left handed.

Kate: Whoa, wait, you could see that the clubs were left handed with just a passing glance?

Gibbs: My second wife played golf left handed.

Kate: So?

Tony: When someone tries to split your skull with a seven iron, it's not a club you soon forget.

Kate: [referring to Tony refusing to answer a woman's calls] Talk to her.

Tony: She'll get the message.

Gibbs: [small smile and nod]

Kate: You know I bet this is why number two came after you with a nine iron, isn't it? You just refused to sit down and talk things through.

Gibbs: Actually that wasn't it at all.

Kate: So what was it, then?

Gibbs: Seven iron.

[edit] My Other Left Foot [1.12]

Gibbs: [to Tony and Kate] Got humpty dumpty back together again?

Kate: Still no head or left leg.

Abby: Did you check Hooterville?

Tony: Where's Hooterville?

Abby: You guys. Petticoat Junction, Green Acres. Hooterville.

Tony: I prefer TV shows from this century.

Kate: [about Gibbs] Three red-headed ex-wives shows his judgment is a little questionable.

Tony: None of them were murder suspects. Although... I don't know about the redhead who picks him up now and then.

Receptionist: Can I help you?

Tony: [pouring on the charm] I'm sure you can. I'm Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo, NCIS. You can call me Tony. We'd like to talk to Dr. Chalmers, uh, [leans in very close to read her name tag] Darlene.

Receptionist: [melting] Okay.

Kate: Why don't you just give her a breast exam?

Tony: In good time.

Tony: You really like small towns?

Kate: Peace and quiet. A place where people know you by name. No Blockbuster and Starbucks on every corner. What's not to like?

Tony: Too quiet, everybody knows your name, there's no Blockbuster and Starbucks on every corner.

Kate: Big cities just can't give you what small towns can, Tony. It's a simpler way of life, a slice of Americana.

Tony: One that doesn't include fifty yard line seats to the Redskins or women with full sets of teeth.

Kate: Yeah it always comes back to that doesn't it?

Tony: See... You do get me.

Gibbs: What do you have?

Tony: A six letter word for a reason to commit a crime...

Gibbs: DiNozzo...

Tony: That's seven letters.

Gibbs: Works for me. What do you got?

[edit] One Shot, One Kill [1.13]

Gibbs: Hey DiNozzo, kinda reminds me of your apartment, except for that minty fresh urine smell.

Tony: Hey for your information I have a maid now.

Gibbs: You can afford a maid?

Tony: It's amazing what you can do when you don't have to pay three alimonies.

Kate: [on Gibbs] You think his recruiter told him a fast one?

Tony: I doubt it.

Kate: Why?

Tony: Can you imagine someone lying to Gibbs and getting away with it?

Tony: This kid wanted to be a paramedic - Sgt. Alvarez told him the Marine Corps would "train him to save lives."

Kate: What's wrong with that?

Gibbs: The Marine Corps doesn't have medical personnel.

Tony: They're all Navy.

Gibbs: Technically it is true, Marines do save lives. Mostly through the use of superior firepower.

[edit] The Good Samaritan [1.14]

Gibbs: Anything Abby?

Abby: This is the left rear tire off Commander Julius's car. Notice anything unusual?

Gibbs: It's inflated.

Abby: Is that a guess, or do you actually know where I'm going with this?

Gibbs: What do you think?

Abby: Well, I don't know, that's why I asked you.

Gibbs: Why don't you just tell me?

Abby: So you don't know.

Gibbs: I want to make sure you know.

Abby: Hmmmm.

Gibbs: Hmmmm.

Abby: We should play poker sometime.

Gibbs: Yeah, we should.

[edit] Enigma [1.15]

Kate: Do all Marines build boats?

Tony: Only the ones who've been married a few times.

Kate: Why's that?

Tony: The rest of them can afford to buy one.

[Tony, Kate, and Gibbs are sitting in wait against their car after Gibbs claims he saw a bomb in the house they were searching]

Tony: Are you sure it was a bomb, Gibbs?

Gibbs: Yes, DiNozzo. For the last time... I'm sure it was a bomb.

Tony: If you say so. EOD sure taking their sweet time getting here.

[Van arrives with Ducky and Gerald]

Ducky: Sorry we're late. Gerald got us lost several times.

Gerald: Me? You had the map.

Gibbs: We have our own problems here, Ducky.

Ducky: Yeah, I can see that. FBI take over our crime scene again?

Kate: Gibbs thought he saw a bomb.

Gibbs: [annoyed] What do you mean 'thought'?

Kate: Do I really have to say it?

Gibbs: Say what?

Ducky: Yes, Kate. Say what?

Kate: You need glasses, Gibbs. Are you happy?

[behind them, the house suddenly explodes, sending everyone exclaiming to the ground]

Gibbs: [slowly lifting his head] Sorry. I didn't quite catch that last part...

FBI Agent Charles: You're under arrest.

Gibbs: For what?

Charles: Pissing off the FBI.

Gibbs: Get used to it.

Tony: Where the hell are you? Fornell's here with a warrant for your arrest.

Gibbs: Well, good thing I'm not there then.

[edit] Bete Noire [1.16]

Ducky: (to Ari Haswari) I look forward to weighing your liver.

Ari: You tried to trick me Dr. Mallard.

Ducky: That wasn't a condition.

Ari: It is now.

Gerald: I never figured anyone who could sleep in a coffin could have a phobia but it's the kind of kinky thing Abby would get.

Ari: She slept in a coffin?

Ducky: She's goth.

[Ari shudders]

Tony: What's up Abbs?

Abby: Something's...

Tony: Hinky?

Ari: How do you alert visitors when conducting an infectious autopsy?

Ducky: We hang a decomposing body in the corridor.

Tony: I need all the evidence I signed in this morning, Charlene.

Evidence Clerk Charlene: What?

Tony: The evidence I signed in. NOW!

Ari: Any good with this gun, Caitlin?

Kate: Give it back and I'll demonstrate.

Ari: Ever fire it in anger?

Kate: I'd love to right now.

[edit] The Truth Is Out There [1.17]

Abby: The car that hit Gordon was definitely a Taurus.

Gibbs: You're positive?

Abby: Absolutely... unless it was a Mercury Sable.

Tony: 40-mile zone ended 2 miles back, Boss. Limit’s 65... I only mention it because you usually drive slightly faster than Dale Earnhardt, Jr.

Abby: Not unless he grew up in Dorkville.

Gibbs: Grew up just west of there.

Abby: I dated this guy once who just wanted me to bounce up and down on a balloon.

Gibbs: OK, stop.

Abby: I don't know. Guys have all sorts of strange rituals before they go out. This one guy, he does a full upper body workout just seconds before his date just so he can be pumped.

Gibbs: Does Tony know that you know?

Abby: Does Tony know that you know?

Abby: Hey Gibbs. Do you have any fetishes?

Gibbs: I've got three ex wives. I can't afford to have any fetishes.

Gibbs: That's apples and oranges.

Abby: [grins] There's a fetish for that, too.

Tony: Guy was really interested in reality shows. Real World, Simple Life, Punk'd...

Gibbs: Punk'd?

Kate: Geez, Gibbs. Even I know what Punk'd is.

Tony: It's an MTV show where they play tricks on celebrities while secretly filming it.

Gibbs: Like Candid Camera.

Tony: What's Candid Camera?

[edit] UnSEALed [1.18]

Abby: That's what I love about you, Gibbs, always one finger ahead.

Abby: Stained glass. That's very spiritual, Gibbs.

Tony: [As Tommy Lee Jones] Ladies and gentlemen. I want a hard-target search of every gas station, residence, warehouse, farmhouse, henhouse, doghouse and outhouse in the area. You got that? Good! Now turn off those cameras and get out of the way!

McGee: Accent's still not right.

Tony: Damn.

Gibbs: He could have gone to a vet.

Kate: Tony's marking that territory.

Tony: Ha-ha. Cute.

Tony: Houston. The cell phone has landed.

Tony: She sleeps with a gun under her pillow, boss.

Gibbs: That true?

Kate: Maybe... sometimes... yes.

Gibbs: Good girl!

Kate: You were a boy scout?

Tony: Cub.

Kate: Ha. What'd they kick you out for?

Tony: Tryin' to score brownie points.

McGee: You're enjoying this, aren't you?

Tony: Really a lot.

[edit] Dead Man Talking [1.19]

Gibbs: [has his SIG-Sauer pointed at the head of Amanda Reed] His name was Special Agent Chris Pacci. And he was a friend.

Kate: Speaking of way beyond hinky...

Tony: Okay, Kate. I can take it.

Kate: What was it like, tonguing a guy?

Tony: [deep breath] I can't take it.

[edit] Missing [1.20]

Tony: Remember the good ol' days, Kate?

Kate: What good old days?

Tony: When Gibbs would confide in us and treat us like peers.

Kate: (incredulously) No.

Tony: Good. I thought it was just me.

Kate: Do we know how big his unit was?

Abby: We could ask him, but in my experience most men lie about that point.

[Indistinct yelling.]

Kate: Thank god Tony is still alive.

[Gibbs gives her a questioning look.]

Kate: Who else you know who pisses people off like that?

[edit] Split Decision [1.21]

Tony: You weren't seriously going to let her shoot me, were you?

Gibbs: Nah.

Tony: You had a plan, right?

Gibbs: [unconvincingly] Yeah.

Abby: Don't be silly, ATF lady.

Gibbs: [describing the watch he is putting on] It's a locator. I won't activate it unless they move us.

Tony: [in a Sean Connery accent] Very James Bond - does it tell time, too?

Tony: I really liked her.

Kate: ATF agent involved in illegal weapons and murder - what's not to like?

Tony: So quick to judge, Kate. Sure she has flaws, sure she's going to prison, but my instincts tell me she had good qualities as well.

Kate: Two of them wouldn't happen to live under her shirt, would they?

[edit] A Weak Link [1.22]

Gibbs: What if I wanted to get into that account?

Kate: (shrugs) Get a search warrant for the servers.

Gibbs: We don't have time for a warrant. What's a quicker way?

Kate: Hack into the servers.

[Gibbs tilts a brow and smiles.]

Kate: Can't believe I just said that. I would have never suggested that before I started working here.

Gibbs: You're welcome.

[edit] Reveille [1.23]

Gibbs: He stay at your place?

Abby: Yup.

Gibbs: You sleep in the coffin, McGee?

McGee: Coffin? You said that it was a box sofa bed.

Abby: Well... it is! Sort of...

McGee: That's why you wouldn't turn the lights on. I can't believe I just slept in a coffin.

Abby: ...Not just slept.

John: John, Ag Department.

Kate: Kate, NCIS.

John: Hi... really?

Kate: Yes. Why?

John: I've never seen you and I'm at NCIS twice a month.

Kate: You are?

John: Yes, I specialize in hail and storm damage.

Kate: What NCIS do you think I'm with?

John: National Crop Insurance Service.

Gibbs: That's us, she's a wiz on how corn losses affect pork belly futures.

Kate: That's my boss - weird sense of humor. [later, to Gibbs] "How corn losses affect pork belly futures?"

Gibbs: Rule number seven: always be specific when you lie.

Tony: McGee said you wanted to see me. Actually, he said I was under house arrest, but I figured that was just your way of making a point.

Gibbs: Do I have to tell you the name of the creek you're up without a paddle? Or how deep it is?

Tony: Up to my knees?

Gibbs: I see you're familiar with this particular creek.

Tony: I'm sorry I took a long lunch, Boss, but I'm not working a hot case.

Gibbs: What's a hot case to you, DiNozzo? Shadowing a tight ass?

Tony: That's not fair, Boss.

Gibbs: War is not fair! And we are at war. Until I dismiss you, which could be any moment now, you will fight that war 24/7. That includes eating, sleeping, taking a crap. Got that?

Tony: Yes, Boss. Can I say something?

Gibbs: Only if it has something to do with that bastard I'm after!

Tony: It does.

Gibbs: Then speak!

Tony: Boss... You've really gotta see Moby Dick.

Tony: Well, what's wrong, other than the Hamas guy?

Gibbs: The Hamas guy! You know: the terrorist, the bastard, the ass! We call him everything but his name. You know why that is?

Tony: Because we don't know his name?

Gibbs: Because you're not working a hot case. I want his name! I want it today! And don't tell me it's Moby Dick!

Kate: [regarding the terrorist who shot Gerald and Gibbs] Why did he give you a shot at him?

Gibbs: He needs to face death to feel alive. Maybe, to feel anything.

Fornell: Directors want your word that you'll forget about Ari. They think you'll blow his cover.

Gibbs: If I get pay back, it won't be by blowing his cover. Why are you asking me this and not my director?

Fornell: He refused to.

Gibbs: [finally laughs] Yeah.

[edit] Season Two

[edit] See No Evil [2.1]

Tony: Anyone, and I mean anyone, know when the air conditioner is getting fixed? What about the name of the genius who invented windows that don't open? Like, what are we on - a space ship? Windows should open!

[McGee has been working on the NCIS computer network by himself, despite having no orders to do so.]

Gibbs: You have any idea where thinking like this is going to lead you?

Tony: Yeah, do you, McGee?

Gibbs: Promotion. You need any help, you ask Tony. It looks like he could use a workout.

[After Gibbs, and an irritated Tony leave]

Kate: Don't let him intimidate you, McGee, that's my job today.

Gibbs: [smashing cell phone on desk] God, I hate this thing! It's crap!

Kate: There's a secretary from the Pentagon downstairs and she claims her boss is being held hostage by his computer.

Gibbs: See? [holds up smashed phone] There's a reason I didn't trust these things. [tosses it to McGee] Here, reboot that or something. [to Kate] Send her up.

McGee: Reboot it?

Kate: Or you can do what we always do.

[Tony pulls a box out of a filing cabinet drawer filled with new, unopened phones and hands it to McGee]

Tony: It's his third one this month.

[Later on]

Abby: [as her computer fizzles and crashes] NO! NO, NO, NO,... My baby just french-fried!

McGee: System's over-heated.

Gibbs: So reboot it.

Abby: Believe it or not, Gibbs, not all computer problems can be solved by rebooting.

Gibbs: [brightly, holding up cell phone] Works for me.

Kate: McGee, can't you tell when someone's kidding with you?

McGee: I used to and then I met you guys.

Tony: Delivery complete.

Gibbs: That's good work, Tony.

Tony: Thanks, Boss. That means a lot.

Gibbs: If NCIS doesn't work out I hear General Wee's Chinese Restaurant is hiring.

Abby: Face it, McGee. We are doomed.

McGee: Gibbs can't really expect us to hack into the Pentagon in a single afternoon!

Abby: Yeah, he can.

McGee: You're right, we are doomed.

Gibbs: McGee, where are you going?

McGee: Uh, Norfolk.

Gibbs: Well, I got some good news, and some bad news for you. You've just been promoted. [holds up envelope with McGee's promotion] To a full-time field agent.

McGee: Really? That's incredible! What's-

Gibbs: You belong to me now.

[After he leaves]

Kate: Congratulations!

Tony: Yeah, what she said.

McGee: So, I-I'm one of you guys now, right? No more hazing?

Kate and Tony: Sure.

McGee: Well, I-I just want to say that I never took it personal and I--

[Kate and Tony both head-slap McGee]

Tony: You know I could really get used to that.

[edit] The Good Wives Club [2.2]

Tony: Let me guess, you never inhaled.

McGee: I inhaled.

Tony: Yeah?

McGee: Once. A little bit.

Tony: How was it?

McGee: Didn't like it.

Kate: You didn't like it?

McGee: No...

Tony and Kate: He didn't inhale.

Gibbs: Put someone in a wedding dress

Kate: Tony would look cute.

Gibbs: No. He's off interviewing the victim's parents.

Kate: Well, McGee then.

Gibbs: No, he's with Tony.

Kate: Abby.

Gibbs: No, up to her tats in forensic tests.

Kate: Well, what about you? [Gibbs looks at her] You won't have to wear the dress.

[edit] Vanished [2.3]

[Watching Gibbs conduct an interrogation]

Tony: I think Gibbs enjoys this more than sex.

Kate: That would explain the three wives.

[edit] Lt. Jane Doe [2.4]

(Tony shows the Bartender a picture of the DB.)

Bartender: Such a sweet countenance.

Tony: Sweet countenance?

Bartender: Yeah, that radiant look on her face.

Tony: She doesn't look radiant, she's dead.

Bartender: In that picture?

Tony: Yeah, she's dead.

Bartender: She's dead?

Tony: She's dead. Why do ya think her eyes are closed.

Bartender: I thought she was meditating.

Tony: Nothing says welcome to manhood as perfectly as a skillful lapdance.

Ducky: Unlike the living, when the dead speak, they do not lie.

Bartender: Some man raped and murdered her!? [looks at Tony who has been hitting on her]

Tony: It wasn't me!

[edit] The Bone Yard [2.05]

Fornell: Anyone ever told you you're an insufferable bastard?

Gibbs: [pleased] Yeah.

FBI Agent: Are you always a smart-ass?

Tony: Only to you boys from the Hoover building.

Fornell: Realising how sad this sounds, you're the closest thing I have to a friend, Gibbs.

[Kate and Tony go undercover posing as a trashy couple going for a paternity test.]

Kate: You writin' my name, right?

Tony: What? I just wanna know if it's mine. She kinda sleeps around a lot, if you know what I mean.

Kate: If I did, it's cuz he ain't any good in bed.

Tony: Least I didn't sleep with my cousin.

Kate: You slept with my sista!

Tony: I thought it was you!

Kate: She weighs 300 pounds.

Tony: She was wearing your earrings.

Receptionist: That's enough! If you two can't be civil, I'm going to have to ask you to leave.

Kate: Look, is there anywhere I can wait away from him? Please? I'm beggin' you.

Receptionist: There's an empty exam room behind you two doors on the right.

Kate: Thank you. [She flings her gum at Tony as she leaves.]

Tony: I'm sorry. She slept with my brother. And my best friend. At the same time.

Kate: Wow, I thought you were the only one who could piss him off like that.

Tony: You never met his second wife.

Jimmy Napalitano: I'll kill your brothers, your uncles, your father, and after the funerals I'll kill you.

Gibbs: No brothers. No uncles. My father passed years ago. I do have three ex-wives whose names and addresses I will gladly fax on to you. [we hear the sound of Jimmy hanging up] Huh! He hung up!

[edit] Terminal Leave [2.6]

Willy: Have you shot anybody?

Tony: Not this week.

Tony: I want double overtime for this, boss. That kid's a nightmare.

Gibbs: He reminds me of you.

Jimmy: Yeah. When I was a kid, I used to bury our pets under our porch till my mom found out. She was pretty upset.

Ducky: They didn't want you to bury your pets?

Palmer: No. We lived on the tenth floor of an apartment building.

Abby: (after attempting a technical explanation to Gibbs, gives up) Machine making pretty pictures now.

[Kate catches Tony listening through the door to Jen's room as her parents yell at her.]

Kate: (whispering) What are you doing?!

Tony: Uh... listening.

Kate: That is just wrong.

Tony: Sneaking your horny boyfriend into a house filled with armed federal agents who are on the lookout for Al-Qaeda assassins, that's wrong, Kate. Me, I'm just trying to gather some valuable intel so I can do my job better.

[They both nod, then put their ears to the door.]

[edit] Call of Silence [2.7]

Gibbs: Come on, Corporal. Let a Gunny buy you dinner.

Ernie Yost: You... you were never an officer?

Gibbs: Ah, hell no!

Yost: I knew there was something I liked about you.

Yost: [to Tony] What do you know? You weren't even a gleam in your old man's eye!

Yost: It's not a water cooler, it's called a scuttlebutt. How long you been in the Corps?

Tony: Since I met Gibbs.

Yost: You conned me, Gunny.

Gibbs: Nah. Would I do that to you?

Yost: You're damn right you would. And I want to thank you for it. [to Yoshida] And you were never on Iwo Jima?

Hiroshi Yoshida: Iwo Jima, no.

Yost: [wagging a finger at Gibbs] Ahhh...

Yoshida: Guadalcanal.

[edit] Heart Break [2.8]

Abby: So, I hear you're not a fan of SHC.

Gibbs: Is that a band?

Abby: Spontaneous Human Combustion.

Gibbs: Don't waste my time, Abbs.

Abby: If you ever read my master's thesis, you may become a believer.

Gibbs: Doubt it...

Abby: I can show you photos of what was left of a 240 pound woman.

Gibbs: Yeah? I bet you won't.

Abby: She was sitting in a chair. All that was left were blackened seat springs, a section of back bone, one foot, still in a satin slipper, and ten pounds of ashes. The rest of her apartment was untouched.

Tony: You know, I was thinking about becoming a doctor.

Kate: Really? You, a doctor?

Tony: Anthony DiNozzo, comma, M.D.

Kate: [laughs] Let me guess, a gynecologist?

Tony: Oooh... no. I was thinking more dermatologist. Normal hours, big bucks, never an emergency. I mean, nobody ever died from a zit.

McGee: I had a terrible case of acne as a kid.

Tony: Of course you did, Probie.

Palmer: [to a dead body] I'm going to have to lock you up for the night, Commander.

Abby: [in a deep voice] NO! Don't put me back in the dark!

[Palmer jumps back]

Palmer: Abby! You made me almost...

Abby: [smiling] I made you almost what...? [in a deep voice] Jimmy?

[edit] Forced Entry [2.9]

Abby: Jeremy Davison has no criminal record, Gibbs. He's a civilian, he has no ties to the military, his prints don't match any open casefiles. The boy doesn't even have a speeding ticket. I mean, we're talking cleaner than clean. Whiter than white. You could put him in the lineup with snow, snow is going to jail.

Gibbs: Or it just means he's never been caught.

Abby: [resignedly] Or it just means he was never caught.

Abby: [referring to an online fantasy site] I did a little trial and error with Laura Rowan's screen name, HomeAlone325, and Jeremy Davison's, NiceGuy653. Care to guess which fetish they have in common, Kate?

Kate: No, no. I'm going to hell just listening to all of this.

[edit] Chained [2.10]

Tony: Kate, Kate?

Motorcycle Rider: Who's Kate?

Tony: My dog. She must have run away after the crash.

Motorcycle Rider: What does she look like?

Tony: A Shih-Tzu.

Motorcycle Rider: A what?

Tony: Long brown hair, kinda mangy?

[Kate screams.]

Abby: Is something wrong?

Kate: Gibbs is driving.

Abby: I'm sending a prayer in many languages.

Gibbs: Abs, do you have him?

Abby: [smug] Are you seriously asking me that?

Gibbs: [deadpan] No, I called to flirt.

[McGee is talking to the Deputy Secretary of State in MTAC]

Deputy Secretary of State: And what exactly did agent Gibbs tell you to say to me?

McGee: He told me to tell you... stick it.

Deputy Secretary of State: You're telling me to...?

McGee: Stick it! Thank you, Mrs. Secretary of State, our conversation is now over.

[He signals to cut off the connection. The MTAC staff break into applause.]

McGee: Boss, I told her. The Deputy Secretary of State.

Gibbs: Yeah. Did it work?

McGee: Well, she submitted a formal complaint to the Director.

Gibbs: McGee... Good job.

Tony: You can't drown in a stream, Jeffery. You can get wet, you can get frickin' freezing, but you can't drown!

[edit] Black Water [2.11]

Ducky: Do you suspect foul play?

Gibbs: Well, you know me, Ducky. I suspect everything.

Ducky: Yes, that's an admirable trait for an investigator. And also, I suspect, the reason your three marriages ended in divorce.

Gibbs: Really? And all this time, I thought it was because I'm a bastard.

Gibbs: DiNozzo! Grab the gear and see if McGee is still alive.

Tony: On it, boss!

[edit] Doppelgänger [2.12]

Abby: [yelling] What?!

Gibbs: [pulls the phone from his ear, looks at it, puts it back to his ear] Yikes, Abby. What did McGee do now?

Abby: Put his size 10 shoe in his size 12 mouth.

McGee: Are you wishing you were a computer geek?

Tony: I'd rather be homeless than be you, Probie.

Gibbs: You, blood spatters!

Abby: (hangs head and shuffles away) Yo ho heave ho...

McGee: You just ruled out both suspects.

Abby: No, I didn't. I just proved someone smoked Llamas at Rock Creek park.

[McGee dials Gibbs. Cut to Gibbs making out with Karen. He picks up the phone.]

Gibbs: Gibbs.

McGee: Boss. I don't know if this is important, but-

Gibbs: McGee, this better be the most important phone call you make in your life.

[McGee tries to hand the phone to Abby, she dives out of the way.]

Niles: Wow, I'm amazed you found that.

McGee: Actually, I didn't. Our forensic scientist, Abby Scuito, did.

Niles: Wow, this Scuito, she must be hot.

[...]

Gibbs: He wanted us to look for a body.

McGee: We still would be if Abby hadn't found the hinky blood trail.

Niles: Man, I got to meet this woman.

McGee: She's probably not your type. Tattoos, piercings, dark make-up...

Niles: She Goth?

McGee: Uh-huh.

Niles: I love Goth.

Abby: Nobody gets everything right the first time, McGee. Except Gibbs.

Abby: It's more addictive than pistachios.

[Odd looks from Gibbs and McGee]

Abby: Well, have you ever just eaten one pistachio?

[edit] The Meat Puzzle [2.13]

Kate: Gibbs, what did Ducky look like when he was younger?

Gibbs: [grinning] Ilya Kuryakin.

[N.B. When he was younger, David McCallum (Ducky) played the role of Soviet secret agent Ilya Kuryakin in the TV series The Man from U.N.C.L.E.]

Tony: [referring to Ducky's elderly mother] Her last words to me were either "I'm gonna slit your throat" or "kiss your moat." I couldn't tell 'cause she was slurring.

Tony: Tony DiNozzo. Italian, gigolo, furniture mover.

Gibbs: The homicide detective, that completes the team.

Ducky: You're forgetting the medical examiner.

Jimmy: Oh, that's you!

Ducky: Mother, this is Caitlin. [Ducky's mother spits at Kate] Mother, we talked about this. She is here to protect us!

Mrs. Mallard: Show me your knickers.

Kate: Ma'am?

Mrs. Mallard: Underwear, missy! I can always tell a woman's intentions by her panties.

Tony: It's always been my philosophy.

Kate: You're relieved, Tony.

Tony: Oh, thank you. [pointing to the dog] This is Contessa, she likes it rough.

Mrs. Mallard: [eyeing Tony suspiciously] I have a knife in my brassiere.

[edit] Witness [2.14]

Abby: I enjoy going to the dentist.

Kate: What could you possibly enjoy?

Abby: A little pain is a good thing, Kate.

Gibbs: What did the urine tell you, Abby?

Abby: Oh all kinds of stuff, we had a really good talk.

Gibbs: [About Tony] You may not admire his methods, but you gotta love the results.

McGee: What do you got, Abs?

Abby: [to Gibbs] Do I have to answer the newbie?

Gibbs: Humor him.

Abby: There were traces of cocaine in the box.

McGee: So Tony was right, he was dealing drugs.

Abby: Maybe not, the traces were microscopic so it could just be from hiding money.

[McGee looks confused.]

Abby: He calls himself a federal agent.

Gibbs: U.S. money supply is contaminated with traces of cocaine.

McGee: I thought that was an urban myth.

Abby: Give me a bill.

McGee: Huh?

Abby: Give me a bill!

[McGee hands her a bill.]

Gibbs: A hundred?

McGee: Yeah, I like to be prepared for any emergency.

Abby: You are such a boy scout.

[Abby rubs bill on paper.]

Abby: Money is a great receptor because the ink never really dries. One bill used to snort cocaine then going through an ATM leaves minute traces of the drugs on thousands of others. Four out of five bills in circulation are contaminated to a level that can be detected by drug dogs.

[Abby goes back to work, without giving back the bill.]

McGee: Um, Abs?

Abby: Yeah?

McGee: Forgetting something?

Abby: No.

[Tony and Kate are having a food fight]

Gibbs: Any more food fights in here, I'm joining in. With peas.

Kate: Frozen peas?

Gibbs: Nope. In the can.

[edit] Caught on Tape [2.15]

Tony: At least I don't hang out with married people.

Kate: [to Abby] Would you please tell him that a man and a woman can just be friends?

Abby: Absolutely they can.

Tony: Without having sex?

Abby: Oh no, they'll have sex.

Kate: Abby?!

Abby: What? Come on, Kate, haven't you ever slept with a friend?

Kate: [upset] What is wrong with you people?

Gibbs: [steps in] Good question, Kate.

Abby: [reading lips of people on a tape] "We have to..." something. "We have to - blank - him."

McGee: Kill?

Kate: Murder?

Tony: Love? [Gibbs slaps him] Ow. I really wish you'd stop doing that!

Gibbs: I will, Tony! When you stop "blanking" up!

McGee: [referring to the poison ivy covering half his face.] So, honestly how do I look?

Abby: Um... Do you want the truth, or do you want me to lie to you to, uh... ease the burden of your own self-loathing?

McGee: I'd prefer the lie.

Abby: Me, too. You're the fairest in the land, McGee.

Tony: I'll take it. I've always wanted a dog. [The dog growls and tries to bite him.]

Kate: Good dog. I think I'll call you Tony.

Gibbs: It's a bitch, Kate.

Kate: I know.

Tony: Looks like we're going to play Gibbs' favorite game...

Abby: Ooo! Musical interrogation rooms!

[edit] Pop Life [2.16]

Abby: We'll figure it out together, Jimmy.

Jimmy: Oh please, call me Jimmy

Abby: I just did.

McGee: (walks in on Abby and Palmer super glued together) Palmer, what the hell are you doing?

Abby: You know, you didn't have to yell at him. Jimmy is terrified of you now.

McGee: He is? Cool.

Ducky: The knife missed her vital organs so the wound, in and of itself, was not fatal.

Gibbs: She didn't bleed to death.

Ducky: Exactly. Her body contained four liters of blood, so there was no exsanguination.

Gibbs: Ducky...

Ducky: I'm sorry, it's such a lovely word, exsanguination, I can't help saying it. (laughs nervously as Gibbs just looks at him.) Moving on...

Tony: Twinkle Toes, Candy Pants, stay behind your mom here.

Tony: I knew this girl once. She squeaked. She made this little squeaking...

Kate: Tony! You want to tell Ducky that story?

Gibbs: He's heard it. We all have.

Jay: Who are you?

Tony: Same as Kate. Well not exactly.

Tony: (focusing on strippers behind) How's that?

Abby: Well it's art but we kinda need a shot of her face.

Tony: Boss, I don't know if you want to see this but you probably should...

Tony: (To Witness) Look, there is always something you remember about every woman, something you'll remember in twenty years time... something small and subtle... a piece of jewelry, a laugh... a smell.

Kate: Ugh, I feel like I've died and woke up in a Calvin Klein Ad.

Ducky: (To Kate and Tony) We need to look a little deeper. There is clearly a latent sibling rivalry here, being expressed by your adolescent and sexually-charged bickering. It all stems from a desperate desire to please a father figure, and I think we all know who that is!

Kate: What has this got to do with my tuna fish sandwich?

Kate: We need a mediator Ducky or I'm going to have to go to Employee Relations.

Tony: Which would be tattling!

Kate: No, Employee Relations is not tattling!

Tony: It's the adult version of I'm telling mummy.

Kate: You're so juvenile!

Tony: Am not.

Kate: Are so!

Tony: Am not!

Kate: We need an unofficial mediator Ducky.

Ducky: Well, did you try Gibbs?

Kate: Ugh...

Ducky: Good point.

Kate: We thought of McGee.

Tony: But, we have no respect for him.

Kate: And then we thought of you!

Ducky: I see, third on the short list. Well, at least I beat out Abby.

Tony: Well, we just came from there.

Kate: She turned us down.

Ducky: Oh.

Tony: I didn't think you would notice!

Kate: Oh stealing food is okay if no one notices!

Tony: It wasn't stealing, it was sharing.

Kate: It was my lunch! I don't want to share my lunch!

Tony: See you just said it was sharing!

Ducky: Excuse me. Show a little respect, this is a place of peace and dignity.

Tony: That was before Kate got here.

Tony: Suspect claims he went to bed with one woman and woke up with another.

Abby: That happens to girls, too. At night, some guy seems all dark and gnarly, and then you wake up and his tattoos are fake and he works at a bank.

McGee: I used to work at a bank.

Abby: Your tat is real and you don't disappoint me.

Tony: Little miss tighty pants here blows it out of proportion.

Gibbs: (to suspect) You went home with one woman and woke up with another.

Tony: I hate it when that happens...

Gibbs: I need the condoms tested.

Abby: Not what you want to hear first thing in the morning...

Abby: (about stripper) Wow Kate! How'd you get her to do that?

Gibbs: Paranoid.

Tony: Sounds like someone I know.

Tony: Are you done yet? (Standing over McGee, eating a cookie. Wipes crumbs off of McGee's head)

Tony: (after Gibbs takes the last cookie) That's so not right. [edit]

(Tony watching a singer/dancer at the club, nodding his head up and down with the music)

Gibbs: Tony stop jumping up and down. We can't see.

Willie: I dunno about you, but I've slept with a lot of women.

Tony: I wouldn't know anything about that Willy, I'm a Mormon.

Ducky: I'm flattered that you would entrust your relationship to me. It will be rather like.... marriage counseling. (smiles, Tony and Kate give a look)

Tony: Oh, let's not use those words.

Gibbs: Are you done?

Tony: Almost.

Gibbs: Done or fired. Those are your options.

Tony: Done.

Gibbs: DiNozzo!

(Tony is snoring)

Kate: I'll wake him up.

Gibbs: No. I got a better idea. (Speeds up then slams on the brakes. Tony is now awake)

Kate: Bad dream, DiNozzo?!

Tony: I... wha... uh... wha...

[edit] An Eye for an Eye [2.17]

Tony: A dead transsexual sailor, his spook instructor and a pair of human eyes walk into a bar, what's the punchline Kate?

Kate: Whatever it is, it involves this girl and Paraguay.

Tony: That's true, but not very funny. Probie! Make me laugh!

McGee: Okay, the bartender doesn't believe it so he asks the spook instructor 'what the hell is going on?' And the guy says 'what, guy can't have a drink with his pupils?'

Kate: Gibbs will get over it

McGee: When?

Kate: Well, let's see. Last year Tony spilled his coffee and he warmed up to him... oh, about an hour ago. So, roughly eight to ten months.

Lt. Col. Bushnell: I got your email, Special Agent Gibbs, and to tell you the truth, I was shocked - when did you learn to use a computer?

[After Abby fails to detect where Gibbs is hiding after sneaking into her lab]

Abby: You are getting sneakier the older you get!

Gibbs: Not to mention better-looking.

[edit] Bikini Wax [2.18]

Kate: Look all I am trying to say is that it is very unprofessional. Gibbs would never walk in here and tell us how much he paid for his shirt.

Tony: That's because the prices at Sears have been pretty consistent since the late 70's.

Gibbs: [entering] We have a body in Virginia. McGee?

McGee: Yeah.

Gibbs: Call Ducky.

McGee: Got it.

Tony: Hey, uh, boss? Have you had a chance to sign off on that missing persons case I gave you?

Gibbs: No, I haven't, DiNozzo. I tried to get to it last night but Sears was having a sale.

Kate: Give him 5 seconds.

McGee: Until what?

Kate: Until he notices there's a ...

Tony: Bikini contest?!

Jimmy: Something wrong, doctor?

Ducky: Her head is in the toilet, Mr. Palmer.

Jimmy: Oh, right.

Gibbs: What about his prints?

Abby: I compared them to the prints that Tony and McGee got from the beach restroom. They didn't jive.

McGee: Must have lifted hundreds of prints. You sure you ran them all?

Abby: [nonchalantly] No McGee, about midway through I got tired so I was just like "screw it".

Gibbs: [to Tony and McGee] If you two don't start working, I will show you hazing, and the Marine Corps does not do wedgies or noogies or melvins.

Tony: Thank you, boss.

[edit] Conspiracy Theory [2.19]

Gibbs: [tosses keys to Tony] You're driving, Sex Machine.

[Tony emails Kate an old picture of her winning a wet t-shirt contest.]

Kate: Where did you get this?!

Tony: Wet T-shirt Wall Of Fame, Spring Break '94. Saw it when I was in Panama City last month.

Kate: Oh, my God...

Tony: Yeah, I was going to keep it to myself, but then you decided to tell everyone my pledge name!

Kate: You wouldn't dare!

Tony: Oh?

Gibbs: Make sure he didn't do any of that virus goat rope crap to my thing [gesturing to his computer after Fornell has been using it]

McGee: Goat rope?

Tony: Marine term, Probie.

Kate: It means half way between FUBAR and SNAFU.

McGee: Okay, uh, what's FUBAR?

Kate/Tony: You are!

Abby: Correct as always, my silver-haired fox - I mean, Gibbs, sir, boss.

Abby: See this? [Holds up bandaged finger]

Gibbs: Yes.

Abby: I cut myself today installing a graphics card in my computer.

Gibbs: Okay. Do you want me to kiss it or something?

Abby: That would be really nice, but it's not my point.

McGee: So what's the plan? Good cop/bad cop?

Kate: More like bad cop/scary cop, McGee.

McGee: Which one is which?

Kate: You'll have to ask their ex-wives to find out.

[edit] Red Cell [2.20]

Gibbs: You tell Abby I want her.

Abby [entering the room from behind him] Oh Gibbs, I never knew!

Kate: I hate to say it, but that was actually smart, Tony.

Gibbs: What was, Kate?

Kate: Tony might have figured out how to find the hacker.

Gibbs: It's his job. You think I keep him around for his personality?

McGee: What kind of interrogation technique is that?

Gibbs: The DiNozzo method. Not pretty but it's effective.

Tony: Hey, turn that frown upside down, sweetie... we're going back to college!

Kate: Your problem, Tony, is you never left.

McGee: Is Gibbs still mad at me?

Tony: About what, probie? Dead marine on campus? Missing petty officer? Computer hacker who might be part of a radical peace movement? None of these things are your fault, really... But sending Gibbs on a panty raid?

Kate: He's going to kill you.

Gibbs: You find my hacker yet?

Tony: McGee's upstairs working on it.

Gibbs: I didn't ask McGee. I asked my Senior Field Agent. I want that damn hacker! [walks out the room]

Tony: Did you hear that, Palmer?

Palmer: He sounded pretty upset.

Tony: No. [smiles] He called me his Senior Field Agent. Finally.

Abby: You guys are just in time for McGee's crisis of faith. He's starting to realize that there may be someone on this planet who's smarter than he is.

Kate: Oh, I'm looking at one right now.

Tony: Well, Kate, in all fairness, I am the senior field agent, but I think it's an experience that...

Kate: I was talking about Abby, dodo-head.

Abby: [Fake curtsies] Thank you, Kate!

[edit] Hometown Hero [2.21]

Tony: [while attempting to guess what McGee's first car was, McGee starts to reply] If you say Datsun Honeybee, I'm gonna come over there and smack you.

[edit] SWAK [2.22]

Gibbs: Never had allergies. Never had a cold.

Kate: Never had a cold?

Gibbs: Nope! Never had the flu either.

Kate: Why do I believe that?

Tony [sotto voice]: If you were a bug, would you attack Gibbs?

Kate: Tony, Please, we're stuck here together. Can we just make a pact? Until we're out, I won't make fun of all the stupid things you say, and you won't tell me any more film scenarios. Deal?

Tony: Deal.

Kate: Thank you.

[In the showers.]

Tony: Who would send me a letter with anthrax?

Kate: Pick a girl, Tony. Any girl.

Tony: That's not funny, Kate.

Kate: Yeah, I know.

Tony: This is serious.

Kate: I know, Tony! I'm sorry.

Tony: At this very instant, someone is incinerating my Ermenegildo Zegna suit, my Armani tie, my Dolce Gabbana shirt and my Gucci shoes!

McGee: You know, it might not be anthrax.

Tony: I like the sound of that, Probie!

McGee: It could be smallpox, bubonic plague, cholera...

Tony: Probie!

McGee: ...foot powder, face powder, talcum powder...

Tony: Honeydust!

McGee: "Honeydust"?

Tony: Honeydust. I give it to girls.

[Kate glares at him but she knows Tony can't see it. He knows it.]

Tony: Women! Sorry, Kate. I give it to "women" at Christmastime. Very sensuous. You apply it with a feather.

Kate: [chuckles] You don't use the whole chicken?

McGee: I never heard of honeydust.

Kate: Yeah, that's because your mother raised you to respect women, McGee.

Gibbs: It makes a woman's skin feel silky smooth. When kissed, it tastes like honey.

[Everybody pokes their heads out of their showers and look in horror/amazement at Gibbs']

Gibbs: Got a box of Honeydust last Christmas. No card.

Tony: Ah... I think the post office screwed up, boss. Somebody else got your bottle of Jack and you got their...

[Tony is cut off by Kate]

Kate: Hey! Doesn't the post office irradiate our mail?

McGee: Yeah, that's right! All federal mail is funneled through the Ion Beam facility at Bridgeport, New Jersey. If it has DNA, it dies.

Tony: The diseases that you name, they-they have DNA?

McGee: They do.

Kate: Oh, you should have let him squirm.

Tony: Ha ha! Then, it's no worries!

Gibbs: Unless the post office screwed up again.

Tony: So, tell me doc. What have I got?

Dr. Pitt: [sighs] Pneumonic Plague.

Tony: Plague? [chuckles] Plague..

Kate: That's right Tony. Plague. 'Cause only you would go off and get a disease from the Dark Ages.

Tony: I didn't put plague in the letter.

Kate: You opened it!

Tony: Yeah. So I opened it. What are you so upset about? It's not like you're lying... [realizes]

Kate: Yeah. That's right,Travolta. I'm infected too.

Tony: [sincere] Oh Kate, I'm sorry.

Kate: Well you're going to be sorrier.

Tony: [all serious] No. Don't tell me Gibbs got it.

[Gibbs slaps Tony]

Tony: If I get anthrax, how will you feel?

Gibbs: Not as bad as you, DiNozzo.

Gibbs: The SWAK doesn't mean our bitch can't be a bastard!

Abby: You're so right, Gibbs! I have this friend who is a transvestite and her lips could out-SWAK Angelina Jolie's. Remember McGee, you met her at my birthday party?

McGee: Oh, yeah. The low-cut red dress with the built-in plastic...

[Gibbs smacks McGee.]

Abby: I saw that!

Gibbs: Work, or you'll feel it!

Abby: Not while you're down there!

Gibbs: What?!

[edit] Twilight [2.23]

[Gibbs brings Tony back to the office, who had been recovering from y.pestis, and is puzzled by Kate and McGee ignoring him]

Tony: [watches the team gear up for a call-out, still ignored, and disconcerted] Maybe I did die.

Gibbs: [stands next to him] You feel that?

Tony: [glances at Gibbs] What?

[Gibbs headslaps him as Tony winces and gives him a dumbfounded look]

Gibbs: [smiles] You're still alive. Welcome back, DiNozzo.

Kate: Damn it Tony I should just take you home and just get you into bed...

[Ducky and Tony look at each other and then back to Kate]

Gibbs: Come on, DiNozzo. We've got problems - someone's trying to kill us again.

Tony:' [to a concerned Abby] I'm sure he didn't mean that.

[Later]

Tony: So someone really is trying to kill us?!

Gibbs: He's not looking for a terrorist cell. He's running it!

Gibbs: You get Fornell in here.

DiNozzo: What should I tell him?

Gibbs: Tell him he's about to make the second biggest mistake of his life!

[Later]

Fornell: My second biggest mistake, Jethro? That’s very dramatic. What was the first?

Gibbs: When you married my second wife.

Fornell: You could have warned me!

Gibbs: I did!

McGee: Is it me, or did he take the whole Ari situation really well?

Tony: That's because he's looking forward to it.

McGee: Looking forward to what?

Tony: To finally getting to kill him.

Gibbs: Protection detail's over, Kate.

Tony: You did good.

Gibbs: For once DiNozzo's right

Kate: [stands up] Wow, I thought I'd die before I ever heard...

[Suddenly, a single gunshot bullet emerges from nowhere, slicing through the air before hitting Kate in the forehead and she falls to the ground, dead. Her blood sprays onto DiNozzo's face, and Gibbs then begins looking for the shooter)

Ari Haswari: [on distant rooftop, coldly, looking up from his sniper rifle] Sorry, Caitlin...

[Camera then shows Kate lying on the rooftop, dead, her eyes wide open and a small pool of blood building up behind her. DiNozzo then looks at her for a second before glancing at the warehouse opposite them. Gibbs follows DiNozzo's gaze]

Gibbs: Ari...

(Bert the hippo farts, followed by a questioning look from Tony)

Abby: He's supposed to make that noise.

Tony: You have a stuffed animal that farts?

Abby: Yeah, it's cool huh...

Tony: Yeah, in a disturbing way.

[edit] Season Three

[edit] Kill Ari: Part 1 [3.1]

Gibbs: You first.

Tony: Ziva David, Mossad, she's here to stop you from whacking Ari. Yours?

Gibbs: Director Jenny Shepard, same mission.

Tony: Which agency?

Gibbs: Ours.

Tony: Yeah?

Kate: Why me, Gibbs? Wasn't stopping one bullet enough for you? Why did I have to take two?

Gibbs: I-I don't know.

Kate: You don't know? Come on, Gibbs, what's that famous gut tell you? Why did I die instead of you?

Tony: That's a first.

McGee: He called me "Tim."

Tony: Patted my back.

McGee: It was kind of nice.

Tony: Nice? I don't want nice! It's not Gibbs if he's nice!

Abby: What can I do for you?... What?

Tony: You're weirder than Gibbs.

Abby: How so?

Tony: He's being nice.

Abby: Gibbs is always nice.

Tony: To you and Ducky, maybe; me, he growls at and smacks on the head.

Abby: Which makes you feel wanted.

Tony: Yeah!

[Tony is protecting Abby from gunfire]

Tony: (lying on top of Abby) Are you hit?

Abby: (gasping) No... You're heavy!

Tony: Sorry.

Abby: (feeling his leg) My god, no wonder you're so heavy, Tony, you're all muscle!

Tony: Abby, shhh!!

Abby: You're packing a nice booty too!

Tony: Hey! Is this how you deal with getting shot at?

Abby: I don't know, it's my first time.

(Abby is sitting in her lab looking at a picture Kate drew of her. Kate appears in gothic clothing)

Kate: You're a mess, girl. Red eyes, no makeup. If ever there was a time for black lipstick, it's now.

(Abby begins applying lipstick)

Kate: Remember when we first met? I couldn't believe you were a Forensic Scientist! I always thought goths had bats for pets, or vice-versa.

Abby: I really liked you, Kate. A lot.

Kate: Don't start that again. Wear your pigtails, I love you in pigtails!

(Abby pulls her hair back into pigtails)

Kate: That's better. You were persistent, Abs. First the black lipstick, then the black nail-polish. Next thing you know, I have a tat on my bum.

(Abby giggles)

Kate: Oh God... Ducky's gonna see it! I'm dead, and I'm embarrassed!

(Both laugh, Kate's voice fades away, Abby continues laughing.)

Kate: I'm dead now, Ducky. Shouldn't be. Could have killed Ari right here in autopsy.

Ducky: Why did you hesitate?

Kate: His eyes. There was something in his eyes that made me not want to kill him.

Ducky: His eyes were ice to me.

McGee: What is with this music?

Abby: I am playing it out of respect for Kate.

McGee: Well, I thought you were from New Orleans.

Abby: So?

McGee: Well don't they play Jazz at funerals?

Abby: Coming from the cemetery, after the body has been buried. On the way to the cemetary we play a dirge. Do you know what a dirge is, Timmy?

McGee: Creepy music?

Abby: Can you go back to the squad room and let me do my job?

McGee: I can't.

Abby: Why?

McGee: Gibbs...Gibbs told me to watch over you.

Abby: Ohhh… (It looks like Abby is mad) That is so sweet!

(Gibbs and Ducky are in autopsy talking about Ari)

Ducky: One has to wonder what made him such a sadist.

Gibbs: I don't give a damn! I just want to kill the bastard!

[edit] Kill Ari: Part 2 [3.2]

Kate: Why don't you visualize her naked? Does she intimidate you?

Tony: A woman hasn't been born yet who can intimidate Anthony DiNozzo.

Kate: You're forgetting your mother.

Tony: Mothers don't count.

Kate: And that lawyer. Marla?

Tony: Divorce attorney. Worse than mothers.

Kate: Well, Ziva's not your mother. She's not a divorce lawyer. She definitely intimidates you.

Tony: Does not.

Kate: Does too.

Tony: Does not.

Kate: Does too.

Gerald: I've never driven a stick.

Abby: Are you serious?

McGee: What, you can drive a stick?

Abby: Yeah, since I was like ten.

Gerald: What were you driving when you were ten?

Abby: A red '47 Ford half-ton pickup with four on the floor and Bubba riding shotgun.

McGee: Bubba?

Abby: Best damn coon dog in Jefferson Parish.

Gibbs: From now on, we're going to use phonetics like we did in the Corps.

Abby: Golf India Bravo Bravo Sierra?

Gibbs: What is it, Abs?

Abby: Can I please go back to my lab? I'm flipping out up here with nothing to do.

Gibbs: Okay, but don't leave the --

Abby: Don't leave the building. I know. Bravo Yankee Echo.

Tony: How long have you known I was --

Ziva: Following me? Since I left the Navy Yard.

Tony: I don't think so.

Ziva: Blue sedan. You laid behind a white station wagon for a while, then a telephone van. You lost me at the traffic circle on --

Tony: Okay, okay. You knew.

Ziva: [handing him a cup of coffee] Take it. It's chilly out here. You shouldn't feel bad. I was trained by the best.

Tony: You know, that's what I like about Mossad.

Ziva: Our training?

Tony: Modesty.

Tony: [after Ziva tells him about her sister's death] Is that why you joined Mossad?

Ziva: I was Mossad long before Tali's death. Old...

Tony: Family tradition?

Ziva: Israeli sense of duty.

Tony: So come on. Who recruited you? Father? Uncle? Brother? Boyfriend?

Ziva: Aunt. Sister. Lesbian lover.

[edit] Mind Games [3.3]

Abby: I'm pregnant, McGee. Twins. I haven't told the father yet. It's Gibbs. I know it's wrong, but there's something about his silver hair that gets me all tingly inside.

Tony: Excuse me, I think I'm going to vomit.

Abby: I'm joking, Tony. Except for the part about Gibbs's hair. That is really hot.

Tony: What seems to be the problem Abs?

Abby: McGee's ignoring me!

Tony: Easily fixable. [slaps McGee on the back of the head]

McGee: Ow! What was that for?

Tony: Don't ignore Abby; she's sensitive.

Tony: Well, that's nice. You know what's even nicer? My current view [looks down Paula's blouse] Victoria's Secret? Agent Cassidy.

Paula: Well you enjoy it as long as you can Agent DiNozzo [Gibbs walks up behind her and Tony sees him and shys away] Cuz that's as close as you're gonna get.

Gibbs: Agent Cassidy. Go see how many victims Abby id'd from the scrapbook

[Paula leaves]

Tony: I'll go help her. [gets up]

Gibbs: Wait.

[Paula enters the elavator, the door closes and Gibbs headslaps Tony]

Tony: What was that for?!

Gibbs: Letting her get to you!

Tony: Boss, I was not letting her get to- It won't happen again.

Boone: He's carving your name on her back right now.

Gibbs: Game's over. Back to the death row.

Boone: Gibbs! Gibbs! The governor call yet? 'Cause they're not gonna kill me now. I'm the only one who can identify the killer. Hey, you think she screamed when he cut out her tongue, Jethro?

Gibbs: I don't know. Why don't you ask her yourself? [a battered but clearly alive Paula Cassidy enters the corridor and Boone's eyes widen]

Paula: I'm afraid your lawyer's gonna miss your execution tomorrow.

Tony: He's kinda dead. [Boone is speechless]

Gibbs: Enjoy hell.

[edit] Silver War [3.4]

Ziva: I stand corrected. I guess he didn't know. [muttered] I feel like a donkey's butt.

McGee: A donkey's butt?

Tony: I think she means horse's ass.

Ziva: Yes, that too.

Ziva: You might want to do something about your hair... it's sticking up like a porcuswine... no, thats not the word... a porcu... pig? (Tony gives her a funny look as McGee comes in) The little animal with the little spikies!?

McGee: Porcupine?

Ziva: 'Porcupine'! Thank you, Special Agent McGee.

Tony: You want something to read?

Ziva: What do you have?

Tony: [pulls out a magazine] GSM. It's a men's magazine. Most women find it objectifies them.

Ziva: [pulls out same magazine in Hebrew] I read it on the plane. I especially liked the article on page fifty-seven. In my experience, it works every time.

Tony: [checks his copy] I-I always thought that was an urban legend.

[Gibbs and Jenny are watching Tony and Ziva from the above squad room]

Jenny: She seems to be fitting in well.

Gibbs: She almost killed my entire team yesterday.

Jenny: How?

Gibbs: Driving home from a crime scene.

Jenny: I should have warned you. I think she was an Eastern European cab driver in a past life.

Gibbs: While you're here, you will be an observer. Hand over all your weapons.

Ziva: You're kidding, right?

[Gibbs just looks at her. Ziva removes her sidearm and gives it to him.]

Gibbs: And your back-up.

Ziva: What back-up?

Gibbs: Left leg.

Ziva: Oh. That one. [removes ankle holster]

Gibbs: And the knife concealed at your waist. [Ziva removes the knife and hands it to him as well; Gibbs gives it back] That, you can keep. [quietly, in Ziva's ear] I just wanted you to know that I know.

Abby: McGee, never forget. I am one of few people, in the world, who can murder you and leave no forensic evidence.

[Gibbs and Tony arrive to find Ziva standing over two restrained suspects and a woman with a knife in her chest]

Tony: Remind me never to piss her off.

Gibbs: Oh, DiNozzo, you have no idea.

[edit] Switch [3.5]

[The team arrives at the scene, a police officer greets Tony]

Officer: Special Agent Gibbs?

Tony: Uh, no... he's the older gentleman with the smile on his face.

[Chuckles and points to a stern-faced Gibbs who is briskly walking past them to the crime scene]

Tony: [to McGee, as they work the crime scene] If it's any consolation, probie, I had my identity stolen once.

McGee: Really?

Tony: I had a charge on my Visa for a vintage Barbie doll. 'Career-girl' outfit?

McGee: Ooh, with the matching briefcase and pumps?

[Tony slowly gives him a stare]

McGee: [falters] Oh, well, um... I-- I had a-- a girlfriend who collected once. We used to... line them up on...

Tony: I lost respect for you at the word... "pumps". Get back to work...

[crime scene is a car crash below a very steep slope, and Ducky calls to the agents to come down and help find a bullet]

McGee: [exchanges uneasy looks with Tony] Well... as, you've pointed out many times, I'm-- I'm just a junior field agent.

Tony: All the more reason you need the experience, probie.

McGee: How about if I follow in your footsteps... you lead the way?

Tony: How about if you kiss my experienced buttocks?

Ziva: Just to be clear, are there any more of these rules I should be aware of?

Gibbs: About fifty of them.

Ziva: And I don't suppose they're written down anywhere that I could--

Gibbs: No.

Ziva: Then how am I supposed to--

Gibbs: My job is to teach them to you!

[searching a Naval officer's house]

Tony: [gasps] It can't be! Do you realize what we have here?

Ziva: Another ugly shirt?

Tony: This is an authentic "Magnum, P.I." Jungle Bird design! 100% cotton, bamboo buttons, "Made in Hawaii" label! Come on, this is the Holy Grail of Aloha garments!

McGee: That's great.

Tony: Eight seasons Magnum wore this shirt, putting up with Higgins and those stupid dogs. [imitating Higgins] "Zeus! Apollo!"

[N.B. Series creator Donald Bellasario also created and executive-produced "Magnum, P.I."]

[searching a Naval officer's house]

Ziva: Once he saw us at Norfolk, he must have taken a kite.

Tony: Hike. The expression is taking a hike.

McGee: She may have had it confused with “go fly a kite.”

Ziva: I speak five languages, forgive me if I get confused sometimes. I found his bank book.

Tony: Check book.

Ziva: Whatever you call it. His deposits seem high.

Tony: Where you come from, they may seem high but here in the good ol’ U.S. of A... [sees the checkbook] These are really, really high.

[A sound is heard elsewhere in the house. All three of them draw their guns.]

Ziva: I think it’s the-

Tony: Shh!

[They walk to the kitchen and open the cupboard, a marmoset shrieks, Tony jumps]

Tony: It’s a...

Ziva: It’s a marmoset.

McGee: Actually, that’s a capuchin.

Abby: I have some good news and some bad news. Good news: I'm still cute. Bad news: The bomb squad got a little trigger-happy. [holds up bag of bomb fragments] Do you have any idea what's beyond "smithereens"?

Gibbs: Not a clue.

Abby: Neither do I.

[A moment later, Ziva catches up to annoyed Abby in elevator]

Abby: Are you going home?

Ziva: Not yet. I thought I might be able to help you with... [gestures to evidence] ...that.

Abby: [scathingly] Really? Do you have a degree in forensic science?

Ziva: No, but I'm very good at jigsaw puzzles.

Abby: [softening a bit] Huh. We'll see.

[edit] The Voyeur's Web [3.6]

Ziva: Where did all these people come from?

Tony: Didn't you see the signs? It's yard sale day.

Ziva: I see. And do Marines sell their yards often?

McGee: No. It's actually when people gather stuff they don't want anymore and sell them in their yards.

Ziva: Why would anybody want to buy somebody else's junk?

Tony: One man's junk is another man's treasure.

Ziva: In Israel we have a saying: "zevel, zeh zevel". [Tony and McGee look at Ziva, confused] "Crap is crap."

Ziva: Which proves what I've long suspected - despite the conservative image, Americans really love their porn.

Tony: Hey, quit feeling sorry for yourself. Do what you do best.

McGee: What, you mean screwing up?

Tony: No, finding answers when no one else can.

Ziva: That was nice of you.

Tony: Never kick a probie when he's down, Ziva.

Ziva: I thought the expression was "dog."

Tony: Same difference.

Tony: Okay, this guy isn't smart enough to cover his tracks.

McGee: He's doing pretty well so far.

Tony: He does online auctions from his laptop. Super collectibles.

Ziva: Ultra collectibles and auctions dot com. Can we trace him?

McGee: If we can pinpoint some of his items. Do you know what he sells?

Tony: Star Wars stuff.

McGee: That narrows it down to like 50 million people.

Tony: Uh, some kind of figurine. There's only three of them?

McGee: Yoda? C3PO? Storm trooper?

Ziva: Wookiee. It is a special edition prototype from 1978. It comes equipped with an ammo belt. There are only three in existence.

McGee: A Star Wars junkie, huh?

Ziva: Not especially.

Tony: She has a photographic memory, probie, not a social disorder.

Tony: If things get hairy, just follow my lead.

Ziva: I don't need a babysitter, Tony, I have been in hundreds of these situations.

Tony: Never with me. As far as I'm concerned, you're a probie.

Ziva: I've never had sex with you either - does that mean I'm a virgin?

[edit] Honor Code [3.7]

Jen: Always admired your way with children. Ever think to have any of your own?

Gibbs: That an offer, Jen?

Ziva: Frank Connell is a deacon at his church, never had a moving violation, let alone a parking ticket, and he calls his mother every Sunday. The man is spic and spam.

Tony: The saying is "spic and span." Spam is lunch meat.

Ziva: Oh. What exactly is span then?

Tony: Span is, uh... I'll get back to you on that.

Ziva: The boy has remarkable memory. There’s also someone here from Social Security to pick him up.

Gibbs: Services, Ziva. Social Security is for older people.

Ziva: Noted.

Ziva: They owed me a favor.

McGee: How many people owe you a favor?

Ziva: How many dates has Tony in a month?

Gibbs: Commander Tanner's been gone for forty-seven hours.

Ziva: If he's not dead, he soon will be.

McGee: Maybe we can convince her to change her mind about the lawyer?

Ziva: Oh, I can convince her of far more than that.

Gibbs: How long?

Ziva: Not long.

Gibbs: McGee, you thirsty? Come on, I'll get you a cup of coffee.

McGee: Boss, what exactly is Ziva doing in there? [Gibbs just looks at him] I don't want to know. [Gibbs shakes his head] Okay.

[edit] Under Covers [3.8]

[F.B.I. Agents Maya and Yussif were doing surveillance on Tony and Ziva, and are convinced the two actually had sex.]

Maya: We're talking about your agents pretending to be married assassins.

Yussif: Very convincing.

Maya: I don't think anyone in the FBI would actually go all the way just to sell a cover story.

Yussif: [eyeing Maya] I would.

McGee: Guys, they were acting.

Yussif: Trust me. I know when someone's acting when they're having sex.

Maya: It's true. I've met his wife.

[Midway through Tony and Ziva's undercover act as married assassins, Abby calls with autopsy results that show the wife was pregnant.]

Ziva: What are you doing?

Tony: I'm trying to picture you pregnant.

Ziva: Don't!

Tony: I have to, I'm gonna be a father! It's a great responsibility.

Ziva: Maybe it's not yours.

Tony: Maybe she didn't know.

Ziva: Oh, she knew.

Tony: Then why take this contract? Put our unborn child in danger?

Ziva: Maybe we needed the money.

Tony: Kids are expensive...

Ziva: And bullets are cheap. There is a big chance that this meeting is a set-up, Tony.

Tony: Are you scared?

Ziva: No... excited.

[Ziva is snoring incessantly.]

Tony: (mutters) Crazy chick...

Ziva: (sleepily) I heard that, my little Hairy Butt.

[In the privacy of the elevator, Gibbs and Fornell quickly hammer out a cooperation agreement.]

Fornell: And people say we're bastards?

Gibbs: Only because they know us.

[After being rescued.]

Tony: I want a divorce!

Ducky: There doesn’t seem to be any permanent damage. How many times did he hit you?

Tony: I wasn't counting.

Ziva: Seven times.

Tony: She was, of course.

Ziva: It was hard not to.

Ziva: I'm driving you home. [jangles Tony's keys and smiles]

Tony: Probie. [looks hopefully to McGee]

McGee: Ah, Ziva, actually I should probably drive him home tonight.

Ziva: Why is that?

Abby: Maybe he wants to live.

[edit] Frame-Up [3.9]

Tony: Someone's setting me up.

Gibbs: Two surgically removed legs dumped into a training area? Do ya think?

Tony: Yeah. I was... trying to think of arrestees with grudges.

Ziva: Wouldn't they all have grudges?

Tony: You see my dilemma.

McGee: [reading over Tony's shoulder] Mike Macaluso?

Gibbs: He's a Mafia boss DiNozzo busted in Baltimore.

Tony: They get a little touchy when they think of you as family and you turn out to be a cop.

Abby: What about that forensics dweeb that you got fired?

Tony: I didn't arrest him, Abby.

Abby: Yeah, but you really, really, really pissed him off.

Tony: [to Ziva, teasing] You set this up, didn't you?

Ziva: I would never...! Okay, maybe I would, but I didn't.

Sacks: Do you realise the kind of trouble you're in here, DiNozzo?

Tony: Oh, believe me. I do. Do you realise that you have an enormous clump of something green between your teeth?

[After the interrogation]

Sacks: This guy is implicated in a homicide and he's making jokes!

Fornell: You've never worked with NCIS before, have you, Agent Sacks?

Ziva: We've been barking up the wrong tree the entire investigation.

Tony: Bush.

Ziva: Sorry. Barking up the wrong... bush?

Tony: [grins] Tree.

[Tony is in a jail cell, going crazy rambling about his case]

Tony: You know, I've been thinking. I'm a federal prosecutor's dream.

[...]

Tony: Because I'm angry, and I'm immature, and I like control!

[...]

Tony: Yes, I ripped a glove at the scene. It seems a little sloppy for a federal agent who investigates crime scenes, but, you know, those are the breaks when you're a homicidal maniac dumping butchered women's remains out in the woods in the middle of the night! Right?

[...]

Tony: I'm not getting out of this one, am I, boss?

[Gibbs gestures him over, then slaps him upside the head]

Tony: Thank you, boss.

Ziva: [slams Petri against the wall] We have a warrant now.

Petri: For what? I didn't do anything wrong.

Ziva: No? I can think of at least two things. Framing an NCIS agent for murder, and really, really, really pissing him off. [nods toward Gibbs]

Abby: [indicating Chip bound and gagged on the floor] Now can I work alone?

[edit] Probie [3.10]

Jen: What are you thinking about?

Gibbs: Paris.

Jen: Get your mind out of the bedroom, Jethro.

Tony: [on the phone to sperm bank] DiNozzo, big D, little I, big N, little ozzo.

Jethro: Can somebody tell me what is going on here?! First, Abby's lab nerd frames Tony for murder, now McGee kills a cop... did someone break a mirror?

Ziva: Halligan's on the goat. Oh, no! Not goat. Sheep?

McGee: Lam?

Ziva: That’s it.

Tony: He’s on the lam. There’s no “B” in that, by the way.

Ziva: Thank you.

McGee: I killed a cop arresting a drug lord?

Ziva: His goose is cooked.

Tony: You would get that one right.

McGee: Tony, I'm not like you guys. You were trained as a cop, Gibbs was a Marine sniper, Kate protected the President of the United States... God only knows what Ziva did with Mossad. My background is biomedical engineering and computer forensics. I don't think I'm cut out to be a field agent.

Tony: The first time I shot at someone... I wet my pants.

McGee: Really?

Tony: Really.

[McGee lets out a little laugh.]

Tony: If you tell anyone that, I will slap you silly.

Tony: [Referring to Ziva teasing him] You're enjoying this a lot, aren't you?

Ziva: Oh... Yes.

[edit] Model Behavior [3.11]

Jen: [on the phone to Gibbs] Gibbs, where are you?

Gibbs: [opening Director's office door behind Jen] Right behind you.

Jen: I really hate it when you do that. [she hangs up]

Gibbs: Okay, you want me to help fix this? Then get me that reporter's number.

Jen: You're going to apologize?

Gibbs: No, ask her to dinner.

Ziva: [referring to a model] You really find her attractive?

Tony: Yeah?

Ziva: Well, I want to shoot her!

Tony: [catches Ziva laughing at a reality TV show] I thought this show was just mindless entertainment?

Ziva: It's called research, Tony, and I am merely looking for a lead.

Tony: Well, this is just the beginning. Before you know it, you'll be sitting at home, eating a large box of chocolates, watching the Food Network on your 50 inch plasma.

Ziva: We're not all so easily corrupted. Take McGee for example. He's been raised in America for his entire life and he barely turns the television on. Tell him, McGee!

Tony: Yeah, tell him, McGee.

McGee: Well, it depends on what you consider rarely. I might watch 20 minutes here or there.

Tony: Tell her what you do the rest of the time, probie.

McGee: That's not TV.

Tony: He pretends to be a fairy in an online computer game.

Ziva: [shocked]

McGee: It's an elf lord.

Tony: [laughing] Whatever.

Gibbs: Keller didn't commit suicide, he was murdered. [looks at Ziva and Tony] What the hell are you two doing?! Find out why!

McGee: Boss, I think I might have something.

Gibbs: ...Are you waiting for me to guess, elf lord?

[edit] Boxed In [3.12]

Tony: I'm not getting any reception. How about you?

Ziva: I'm bra-less.

Tony: I noticed that earlier, but on your phone they're bars.

Ziva: Don’t you have anything better to do than correct my English?

Tony: Why are you on top of me?

Ziva: I'm protecting you, Tony.

Tony: Don't.

Ziva: Well, you didn't seem to mind when we were undercover.

Tony: That might have something to do with the fact that you were naked.

Ziva: Perhaps if it were warmer in here, hmm?

Tony: Let me rephrase the question: why are you still on top of me? [Ziva smiles]

Tony: Hey, if this thing goes off-

Ziva: This is not your fault, I know.

Tony: No, I was going to say...your life would have more meaning if you'd slept with me.

Ziva: If you'd had anything else on your mind, I might have.

Tony: Really?

Ziva: No.

Ziva: I can't tell where we are going.

Tony: There are only three ways we are going to get there: Train --

Ziva: That's quaint. We could be like those homos in those old movies

Tony: Hobos! Not homos.

Ziva: Now, if you gentlemen will excuse me...

McGee: Where are you going?

Ziva: I've been locked in a box with Tony all day. The ladies' room!

[edit] Deception [3.13]

[Tony and Ziva in plain clothes get caught by a gun-holding security officer while searching a suspect's house]

Tony: Relax, quickdraw, we're Feds.

Security Officer: Yeah? What agency?

Tony/Ziva: NCIS.

Security Officer: Never heard of it.

Ziva: Naval Criminal Investigative...

Security Officer: Never-heard-of-it.

Tony: [sighs] Never actually get used to that. You think you will, but you never do.

Security Officer: [speaking into his radio] Central? Got two suspects claiming to be Feds.

Tony: [glances at the radio] No little red light on the radio means the radio not working.

[Ziva escapes her cuffs and subdues the obnoxious Security Officer, aiming her gun at him.]

Tony: Nobody's going to shoot anyone. Right, Officer David?

Ziva: He called me a dirtbag.

Security Officer: [whimpering] I'm sorry, ma'am.

Ziva: [angrier] "Ma'am"?

[Tony facepalms]

Tony: You haven’t met our hacker.

Ross Logan: He’s good?

Ziva: Does a bear sit in the woods?

Ross Logan: Are you the crackerjack team on this job?

Tony: She’s Israeli.

Ziva: Look, I know I got the bear thing right.

Abby: [to Gibbs] Thank you, sir.

Gibbs: Don't call me sir.

Abby: Thank you, ma'am.

[The team tracks their kidnap victim's cell phone to two teens sneaking beer in the woods.]

Ziva: Who's on the phone?

Danny: Uh, my girlfriend.

[Ziva takes the phone.]

Ziva: [sexy voice] Hi... [giggles] Oh, my God, don't touch me there!

Danny's Girlfriend: What?

Ziva: He's gonna have to call you back, bye!

Danny's Girlfriend: Wait a second...!

Ziva: [hangs up, to Danny] You're busted.

Tony: [Trying to identify a sound] Train tracks?

Abby: Yes, that would be the obvious choice, but there isn't a second thunk or a thack, not even a thock on the track.

Tony: You've been reading a lot of Dr. Seuss books?

Abby: You know I love me some Theodore Geisel.

[edit] Light Sleeper [3.14]

Gibbs: [about a fist-sized crack in a wall] Sign of an unhappy marriage.

Ziva: Funny, I thought it looked like a hole in the wall.

Jimmy Palmer: I always say, you can pick your nose, but you can't pick your family.

[Abby reports finding no gunshot residue on the suspect's clothes.]

Gibbs: He could have worn gloves-

Abby: Or changed his clothes, I'm way ahead of you, Gibbs. That is why I am running a full residual analysis on all of Porter's wardrobe. [as Gibbs] How long, Abby? [as herself] Well it's gonna take some time, and the stuff doesn't smell very good; I don't think that laundry was a big priority... [Gibbs] Abs! [herself] Um, two hours? As soon as I know something, you'll know something. [Gibbs] You got one! Aything else? [herself] Yes, as a matter of fact. This... [hands him a cup of coffee] is for you.

Gibbs: Why?

Abby: For getting me out of sensitivity training. We were about to do trust falls and those guys in Administration have... wandering hands. [as Gibbs] Just give me their names, Abs, and I'll break 'em for you! [as herself] I know you would, Gibbs. And that is why I love you. [Gibbs smiles, kisses Abby on the cheek, and leaves]

Tony: So tell us Jane Bond, how do we track you down?

Ziva: You don't, by now I've changed my apperance, replaced my identity with back-up documents, and relocated.

Tony: Promise? (Ziva smirks at him) Okay, so that about wraps it. Who's up for lunch? (Gibbs stands up) Boss, you might want to think about this 'cause I-I'll pay... (Gibbs headslaps him and Tony grimaces)

Gibbs: No one is eating until we find Yoon Dawson!

Tony: Like my father always said: "Be careful who you marry, Anthony, she may end up being a homicidal maniac."

McGee: Your father actually said that to you?

Tony: No, but I'm pretty sure he thought it.

Ziva: Probably he knew your taste in women.

Ziva: I’ve learned from Gibbs that in certain cases you can attract far more bees with honey…

Tony: Flies.

Ziva: What do flies have to do with honey?

Tony: Flies... don’t like... vinegar.

Ziva: Vinegar?

Tony: It’s complicated. Here he comes.

Gibbs: Yeah, Ziva, Tony. What happened back there with the bomb... I want you both to know...

Tony: You don't have to say it, boss. We know how you feel about us.

Ziva: Gibbs, we're a team. That's what we do.

Gibbs: I was going to say, if either one of you two wingnuts ever disobey a direct order again, I'll kill you myself.

Tony: That's our boss.

[edit] Head Case [3.15]

Ziva: [To DiNozzo] I didn't know your nickname was honeybuns.

Gibbs: Only Naomi and I call him that!

Jen: [To Tony, after she gave Ziva information on the case] Something wrong?

Tony: Oh, just wondering if Gibbs knows who Ziva's secret contact is.

Jen: We had a saying in Europe: "Whatever Gibbs doesn't know..."

Tony: "...can't hurt him".

Jen: No. "Can't hurt us".

Ziva: My contact went through, Gibbs. The client Jeanne Oliver was protecting was...

Gibbs: Jeanne Oliver.

Ziva: Tony and McGee are picking her up.

Gibbs: Not bad, Officer David.

Ziva: Well, I do what I can.

Gibbs: When you see the director, thank her for me.

Jen: [Looking through two-way mirror at Jeanne Oliver sitting in the interrogation room] Do you think it would be inappropriate if, as director, I went in there and smacked that smile off her face?

Gibbs: Yeah, it would, but that's what you have me for.

[edit] Family Secret [3.16]

Ziva: What are you doing?

Tony: I'm in the middle of a very serious negotiation.

Ziva: On McGee's computer?

Tony: I know where you're going with this, and the answer is yes.

Ziva: And what's the question?

Tony: Have I no shame?

Tony: She asked you out? You?!

McGee: Trust me, I'm just as surprised as you are.

Tony: Trust me, you're not.

[Gibbs hits the back of Ziva's head]

Ziva: Ow! What was that for?!

Gibbs: Alerting DiNozzo.

[Ziva throws a notepad at a smiling Tony]

Gibbs: You know how I feel about coincidences, Abs.

Abby: Equatorial pygmies know how you feel about coincidences, Gibbs.

Gibbs: [After listening to Abby describe a very complicated sequence of events that led to an explosion] Not an accident.

Abby: Not unless the angel of death is going through a Rube Goldberg stage.

Tony: That wasn't the way it looked, boss.

Gibbs: I know. I know.

Tony: The director kinda suckered me into that deal.

Gibbs: Ziva caved first.

Ziva: I didn't cave in! I was trying --

Gibbs: McGee next.

McGee: It wasn't --

Gibbs: And my loyal St. Bernard held out until last.

Tony: Well I --

Gibbs: Probably all of 30 seconds.

Tony: We can't find him. But we're not going to give up until we do!

McGee: Or die trying!

Tony: [with a horrified look at McGee] Or die trying?! You had to put that in his head?

[edit] Ravenous [3.17]

[Ziva and Tony are watching probie agents attending an autopsy.]

Ziva: We had this same test at Mossad. If you fail, they terminate you.

Tony: How do you fail an autopsy?

[One of the probies vomits.]

Ziva: By doing that. What happens if you fail here?

Gibbs: [Walking in] Well, it depends, Officer David. Some of them go on to become our Director.

McGee: According to Petty Officer Riley's C.O. he's been on leave the last six days.

Tony: Nice vacation, little camping, knife to the heart, little trip inside a bear's digestive tract.

McGee: Yeah I'd fire my travel agent.

Abby: Little square, Little square, Where have you been, Stuck on the behind of Riley's missing girlfriend.

Abby: Oh hey, I was just about to call Tony and McGee -- I think they were having sex.

Ziva: [Incredulously] Tony and McGee?

Tony: [Upon seeing the name of the park's general store] Jackrabbit Slim's?

Ziva: Just like the diner in Pulp Fiction?

Tony: [pauses, giving her an odd look] You don't know how to say 'porcupine', but you know the diner from Pulp Fiction?

Ziva: Believe it or not, we actually have movie theaters in my country.

Ziva: Lions and spiders and bears, oh my!

Ziva: Do you mind if I grab a bat nap?

Female Park Ranger: No, just, um, hang from the rafters.

Tony: Slam dunk. We're going out next weekend. Yeah!

Ziva: That's not bad, Tony. Landis asked me out tonight. I said 'no'. I don’t want him to think I’m sleazy.

Tony: That term is "easy."

Ziva: What's the difference?

Tony: Mostly the makeup.

Gibbs: [Leaving for search for the killer in the forest] Ziva, you stay here with Ranger Hendricks.

Ziva: Gibbs, I think I'd be better suited --

Gibbs: We're taking him alive. Let's roll. [He's leaving with others, Ziva and Ranger Hendricks stay]

Ranger Hendricks: I hate it when men try to protect you 'cause you're female.

Ziva: He's not trying to protect me. He's afraid I'd kill Rowan before he tells us where the girl is.

[edit] Bait [3.18]

Ziva: She asked if you had the calzones for this, yes?

Tony: Cojones.

Ziva: Do you?

[Gibbs has entered the room with the hostage-taker.]

Tony: [from outside] I want to speak with Special Agent Gibbs.

Gibbs: Everybody's okay... Boss.

Tony: That's good to hear... Special Agent Gibbs.

Kody: Your agent says he's a negotiator.

Tony: Well, that's right. He's my best man.

Kody: Your best man's a moron for getting caught in here.

Tony: He always had an attitude problem.

[Inside the room, Gibbs smiles. Outside the room, Tony winces.]

Tony: Just want to let you know that Special Agent Caitlin Todd is out looking for your mom.

Kody: Don't come back until you find her. I... I won't tell you again.

Tony: All right. I'm going.

Marine: How are you going to tell Gibbs the kid's mom is dead?

Tony: [grimly] I already did. Special Agent Todd is dead.

[edit] Iced [3.19]

Lance Corporal Silva: How much trouble am I in?

Gibbs: Trouble? Why would you say that?

Lance Corporal Silva: Four NCIS agents escorting one lance corporal?

Tony: You got it all wrong, Marine. She's Mossad.

McGee: Something wrong, boss?

Gibbs: Just admiring your feminine glow.

Tony: Next thing you know, you'll be wearing clogs in bubble baths.

McGee: What is wrong with bubble baths?

Tony: You just set off Gaydar across the entire Atlantic seaboard.

Tony: This isn't about orientation. It's about image.

Ziva: So your image is homo-pubic?

Tony: Homo-phobic.

Tony: Ice? That means...

Ziva: You're now going to make a really juvenile cold case joke.

Tony: It was a really good one too.

Gibbs: [Tony has recovered three guns at the lake] You expecting an "attaboy?"

Tony: I... thought it'd be nice.

Gibbs: [lightly stroking the back of his head] Attaboy.

Cesar Bernal: [To McGee] You've been watching too many cop shows.

McGee: Well, you've been watching too many... gang... person shows.

(from observation)

Tony: I don't think McGee watches enough cop shows.

Ziva: McGee is a capable interrogator. He can be quite intimidating when he wants to be.

Cesar Bernal: You can't keep me in here like this!

McGee: No, actually, I can. You see, La Vida Mala has suspected ties to al-Qaeda. So all I have to do is say the word "terrorist" and I can keep you in this room until you grow old and die.

(from observation)

Tony: That... actually was intimidating.

Tony: My name's Anthony. My friends call me Tony which, spelled backwards, is "Y-not."

Cesar Bernal: (mockingly) Semper Fi.

Gibbs: Goodbye, Cesar.

[edit] Untouchable [3.20]

Tony: Every time I bring a date home, my neighbor complains about the noise.

Ziva: What... her shouting "no means no!"? Actually I have the same problem.

Tony: Oh, you have surround sound too?

Ziva: No, I'm what you Americans call a 'screamer', yes?

Tony: (looking at McGee who is sleeping) Got any superglue, Abs?

(Gibbs walks in and headslaps Tony)

Gibbs: What did I tell you about that. DiNozzo?

Tony: The skin might not grow back.

Ducky: To assume is to make an enemy of exactitude.

Gibbs: Looks like they’re putting decoder rings in cereal boxes again. [the team just stares at him] ...What?

Tony: Uh... little before our time, boss.

Tony: [doing Sean Connery impression] He has a license to kill, McGee.

Ziva: He has full diplomatic immunity.

[Abby is talking with Mrs. Mallard in her lab]

Mrs. Mallard: [smiles] Did you know, that without those longshoreman tattoos, and that dog collar, you are the exact spitting image of my sister Gloria?

Abby: Thank you!

Mrs. Mallard: [frowns] I hated her.

[While Tony and Ziva are on stakeout, Ziva thinks Tony is asleep behind his sunglasses. Mischievously, she begins to tip her water bottle over his crotch...]

Tony: Do it and die, Amadeus.

[edit] Bloodbath [3.21]

McGee: Sounds like a bloodbath.

Tony: Mondays. How many bodies we talkin' about here?

Gibbs: Who said anything about a body, DiNozzo?

Palmer: [as he's leaving the scene, and the team is coming in] I'd take an umbrella if you go in there.

Tony: How bad does a drug deal have to go for you to leave the drugs behind?

Gibbs: Someone was dissected here, Duck?

Ducky: More like three someones.

Abby: McGee, you're lurking without a permit.

Abby: This is so embarrassing. Okay, in my defense what self-respecting drug dealer cuts his cocaine with potassium cyanide?

McGee: Obviously one that doesn't care about repeat business.

Gibbs: Why didn't you come to me Abby?

Abby: Because Gibbs, I wanted him restrained. Not beaten to a pulp with a baseball bat.

[Gibbs is visiting Abby's stalker ex-boyfriend, Michael, at his business, Krime Kleaners]

Gibbs: The only reason you're still able to walk is because I never heard about you until today.

Abby: I’m a scientist, and he plays with voodoo dolls.

McGee: Uh, Abby, you play with voodoo dolls.

Abby: I meant metaphorically, McGee. I don’t think they actually do anything. I just play with ‘em, y’know, to relax.

McGee: Bed time. I'll take the sleeping bag.

Abby: We're adults, McGee. We can share the same bed.

McGee: [Seeing Abby playing with his typewriter] If you promise to keep your hands to yourself.

Abby: Clearly, you haven't. Your shirt [Abby is wearing McGee's shirt] smells like J.Lo Glow. Oh, I can't find my toothbrush; I think it fell out in your car.

McGee: That's all right. Your old one's still in my bathroom.

Abby: You kept my old toothbrush? That's a little creepy, McGee. Maybe you should take the sleeping bag.

McGee: What is creepy about it? I just never bothered to throw it out. (Abby brings a toothbrush out of the bathroom) What?

Abby: This is not my toothbrush.

McGee: Well, then I must have bought a second one and forgot about it.

Abby: It's a ladybug toothbrush McGee. It's for cute girls named Gina Marie that bake cookies and wear J.Lo Glow. Not for quasi-manly federal agents who carry a gun.

McGee: Are you going to use it or not?

Abby: An anonymous toothbrush? I'd rather remove my own tonsils with Typhoid Mary's straight razor.

McGee: Where are you going?

Abby: To get my toothbrush.

McGee: No. No, you're not leaving the apartment.

Abby: Why not McGee? We both know Gibbs is just being over-protective.

McGee: I'm not worried about you. I'm worried about me if Gibbs finds out I let you leave.

Abby: That's a really good point. You go.

McGee: I'm not leaving you alone either.

Abby: Fine then I'll just use your toothbrush.

McGee: (grabs his coat) Do not answer the door for anyone. (leaves)

(someone knocks on the door, Abby answers it)

McGee: I told you not to answer the door for anyone!

Abby: What'd you forget?

McGee: My keys.

Abby: Why do you need your keys if I'm here?

McGee: My car keys. Now, you do not answer the door for anyone. (Abby gives him a mock salute) Anyone, or I will tie you up.

Abby: (excited) Really?

Gibbs: Coordinate with Abby.

McGee: Boss, you’re gonna have to try and get her out of the elevator first.

[Gibbs goes to the elevator, where Abby is sitting in the corner holding a stun gun]

Abby: Hey Gibbs. [elevator closes] Did you know that only 5 of the 2½ million deaths each year occur in elevators?

Gibbs: Nobody is going to hurt you, Abby.

Abby: You’re just saying that to make me feel better.

Gibbs: Did it?

Abby: Yeah, can you say it again?

Gibbs: Nobody’s gonna hurt you, Abs.

Michael: We just got off on the wrong foot.

Abby: The wrong foot?!? The only right foot is my foot up your a--

Michael: Abby!

Abby (drunk in Gibbs' basement): You know; I never understand why people drink alcohol when they're depressed - because alcohol is a depressant. So now; I'm still depressed; and I'm nauseus...and I'm really drunk. Which means that tomorrow, I'm going to have to fight off a hangover while I'm in court, and some ambulance-chasing attorney tries to attack my credibility.

Abby: ...Because I think that this - might all be my fault...

Gibbs: Maybe it is.

Abby: How can you say that, Gibbs? Just because some - some defective lunatic can't get it into his head that I think he is a defective...lunatic... That is not my fault. It's not my fault at all... It's not my fault. [realizing it really isn't her fault] it's not my fault. Huh. [picks up a hammer and chisel] I see why you like to work on the boat, Gibbs. Very, very cathartic. [puts the tools on the boat and breaks off a chunk] Oops. [gives Gibbs back his tools]

[Tony & Gibbs have just found Abby, (who is in a very "Wonder Woman" pose) repeatedly shocking the hitman with her stun gun]

Abby: I'll be with you in a minute, Gibbs. [continues shocking the man] And don't look up my skirt!

Gibbs: [laughing, nods in approval] Okay.

Michael: I love her you know. I-I love her. You don't get it, do you? Huh? She wants everyone to believe she doesn't love me. Hell, I think even she believes it sometimes. [turns to the mirrored window between the interrogation room and the viewing room] Tell me what, how come, if you don't care about me, you can't take your eyes off of me right now. Huh? You can lie to the rest of the world, but you can't lie to your heart. Can you, Abby?

Gibbs leaves and turns out the lights in the interrogation room, revealing that there is no one on the other side of the window.

Michael: No, no, no, no...Abby? Abby! Abby! Look, I know you're in there! Abby!

Walking down the hall away from the room, Gibbs smiles.

[edit] Jeopardy [3.22]

[Abby has come up to the squad room to take pictures of the dead man.]

Abby: Why do I feel like everyone's staring at me?

McGee: Because they are.

Abby: Did I do something wrong?

Tony: Have you ever been to Disneyland, Abby?

Abby: Every summer.

Tony: Yeah. You know those camera toting tourists with white socks up to their knees wearing fannypacks?

Abby: Well, yeah. We spend half the time laughing about [Abby looks down- she is wearing white knee length socks and a plaid skirt and has a camera around her neck]-- oh, my God. I've turned into my Uncle Larry.

[Ziva has come down to Autopsy to see if there is any new discoveries pertaining to the death of a suspect she accidentally killed in the elevator.]

Ducky: And you probably shouldn't be down here.

Ziva: I shouldn't be here, I shouldn't be in the field, can you please 'please' tell me where I should be?

Ducky: Well, I can understand your feelings of alienation.

Ziva: Everyone's avoiding me! Do they think I am just going to lose control, just enter the building and massacre everyone?! I mean, I am being treated like a leopard.

Ducky: I believe the phrase is 'like a leper'.

Ducky: My father used to say "You must live for today; because yesterday is gone, and tomorrow may never come."

Palmer: Yeah, most people don't know this, but financial disputes, second-leading cause of divorce.

Ducky: Really? What's number one?

Gibbs: Marriage.

[edit] Hiatus: Part 1 [3.23]

[The team is sitting in a car parked at the docks, watching a freighter]

Tony: This is so "Usual Suspects"...

Ziva: Tony, your dying words would be, "I've seen this film."

Ziva: I'm confused.

McGee: So am I, and I saw the DVD twice.

Tony: The Sound of Music confuses you, Probie.

Ziva: I love that movie!

[She opens her mouth to sing, Tony claps a hand over her mouth.]

Tony: One note, and I will lock you in a room and make you listen to "It's A Small World" for twenty-four hours straight. Do we understand each other?

Ziva: [muffled] Mmm-hmm.

[Interrogating a ship's captain, Ziva plucks away his cigar.]

Captain: [in Turkish, under his breath] Bitch...

Ziva: [in Turkish] How would you like this bitch to apply that cigar to your testicles?

Ziva: Ducky, drip it!

Ducky: Do you mean: Drop it or Zip it?

Ziva: Ah, American idioms drive me up the hall.

Ducky: Well, actually... never mind.

[McGee doesn't want to go into the room where the explosion happened, and Tony gives him a job to do outside]

McGee: [as he's leaving] On it, boss!

Tony: [smiles] I do love it when he calls me boss.

Ziva: Is that why you're being nice to him?

Tony: I'm not being nice. Lugging foot lockers is probie work. [Ziva gives him a knowing look] ...All right, I cut the probie some slack.

Abby: What are you not telling me?

McGee: What do you mean?

Abby: You have that three-little-pigs-look.

McGee: What?

Abby: The three little pigs. They were afraid to open the door because the big bad wolf was outside.

McGee: I don't know what are you talking about. (Something rings...)

Abby: Wow... this is definitely going on my wall. (Ziva walks in)

Ziva: I should be a professional photographer!

Abby: The Director hasn't called.

Ziva: About?

Abby: About?! Gibbs!

Ziva: Oh...

Abby: She didn't call you, did she?

Ziva: No.

Abby: Because, you know, the way you're acting, you might have just, I don't know, forgotten to tell.

McGee: Ziva, do you notice anything different in here?

Ziva: No music.

McGee: That's it! No music. (He looks at Abby) You know, you usually play music in here...

Abby: What if those were Gibbs' guts smooshed all over that room?

Ziva: Oh, for God's sake, Abby, they're not.

Abby: What if they were?!

Ziva: The color would be more coffee-brown than red.

(Abby slaps her on the face, Ziva slaps her back, Abby slaps her again and so does Ziva. McGee looks shocked).

Ducky: (to Tony) You sound like Gibbs.

Abby: Positive thoughts, positive thoughts, positive thoughts!

Tony: Abby! Front and center. You too, Ziva. Let's go! I know what happened.

[Abby and Ziva start talking at the same time.]

Tony: Hey! If there's going to be any bitch slapping on this team, I'll do it. Clear? Good. Now shake hands. Shake.

[Abby and Ziva reluctantly shake hands]

Tony: There we go. That wasn't so tough, was it? Now how about a little hug? Big buddy hug. Come on.

[They hug.]

Tony: Now a deep tongue kiss.

[Both women hit Tony.]

Tony: Now we feel better.

Tony: Shouldn't he be awake by now?

Jenny: You know Gibbs. He keeps his own schedule. Do you know what REM is?

Tony: Sure. Rapid Eye Movement. It happens when you're asleep and dreaming.

Jenny: That's what it looks like he's doing now.

Tony: Oh well, that's gotta be a good sign right?

Jenny: If it isn't a nightmare.

Ducky: (to Palmer) My father used to say "You must live for today; because yesterday is gone, and tomorrow may never come."

[edit] Hiatus: Part 2 [3.24]

(Ziva remembers the idiom from 3.08)

Ziva: Oh! Listen to the pot call the kettle black. Got that right, didn’t I?

Tony: No.

(McGee gives her a thumbs-up)

Ziva: Yes!

Ziva: You know what that means?

Tony: The director's taking over the investigation.

Ziva: Probably, but I was thinking if Gibbs doesn't remember the last 15 years, he'll be a probie.

Tony: Gibbs would never let her take over.

Ziva: Not the old Gibbs... "Probie Gibbs"?? (Tony jumps up, running after Director Shepard)

(Ziva and Gibbs are talking in hospital room.)

Gibbs: We work together?

Ziva: Yes. I'm a Mossad officer attached to your team.

Gibbs: Mossad? When did they start doing that...

Ziva: It's been a year.

Gibbs: Don't feel bad, I worked for that...

Ziva: Ducky 10 years and you don't remember him!

Gibbs: Do you always finish people sentenc...

Ziva: Only when I'm in a hurry.

Tony: My gut tells me we're missing something.

Ziva: Gibbs?

Tony: Yeah. Gibbs.

Gibbs: [to the Deputy Director of the NSO, who is on the big screen in MTAC] Is everyone up there as stupid as you?!

[Ziva has gone to see Gibbs in the hospital. She walks in and he is asleep. When she walks over he grabs her arm and gets out of the bed. She starts telling him about some of the things he doesn't remember. She ends up telling him about Ari and Kate.]

Ziva: Ari...... Ari killed Kate! And I...... I killed Ari! [she starts crying]

Gibbs: Your brother? You killed your brother to save me?

Ziva: [crying] Yes.

[Gibbs glares at her, frustrated]

Ziva: See? That's it!

Gibbs: That's what?!

Ziva: The old Gibbs stare!

[Gibbs continues to look frustrated. Ziva grabs his hand and uses it to head-slap herself]

[Gibbs hugs her as his memory returns and she cries]

Gibbs: [gets his gun and badge back from Tony, gives him a long look] You'll do.

[Gibbs puts his gun and badge in Tony's hands, and squeezes his shoulder]

Gibbs: It's your team now. [turns to McGee] You're a good agent, Tim. Don't let him tell you otherwise.

McGee: I won't, boss.

Abby: Gibbs... [Gibbs puts his finger over Abby's lips and kisses her on the cheek]

Gibbs: [walks back to Ziva] I owe you, Ziva.

Ziva: I'll collect, Jethro.

(Gibbs starts to leave, then turns back for one last look at his team.)

Gibbs: Semper Fi.

Ziva: He'll only talk if I can...

Tony: No torture.

Ziva: There's no other way.

Tony: Find one.

Ziva: Okay, but you're tying my feet.

Tony: Hands.

Ziva: Those, too.

[edit] Season 4

[edit] Shalom [4.1]

Tony: There is only one thing you need to know about Officer David.

Lee: Don't make her mad.

Tony: So, technically, really, there are two things. And the other one is, she can take care of herself.

Tony: Who was that?

Abby: Where?

Tony: On the phone.

Abby: Oh, um, it was the nuns.

McGee: Nuns?

Abby: Yeah, y’know, nuns with the big white hats and the --

McGee: Habits. Yeah, they’re called habits, the white hats.

Abby: Yep, that’s right. They called… to say that bowling was canceled.

McGee: [amused] Bowling nuns.

Abby: Geez, McGee, what are you on some kind of anti-nun crusade here?

Gibbs: Today, Ziva!

Ziva: Okay. I may be in a little bit of trouble.

Gibbs: Yeah? Define little.

Ziva: I am currently on the run from the FBI, NCIS, Mossad and my father.

Gibbs: Geez, what’d you do?

Ziva: The target's name was Abdul Wazir. A Syrian wanted for crimes against the state of Israel. Terminated by this man, Mossad Officer Namir Eschel, my former teammate when I was stationed in Paris.

Gibbs: Who's supposed to be dead.

Ziva: Apparently he's gotten better.

Ziva: Things are bad enough for NCIS as it is, Tony. You can't --

Tony: [interrupting] I don't remember asking your opinion, Officer David.

Ziva: You see? He's been completely insufferable since you left.

Gibbs: That true, Tony?

Tony: When I need to be.

Gibbs: Yeah? Maybe you were the right man for the job.

[edit] Escaped [4.2]

Gibbs: I got this little girl who wants to go home to her dad, and that’s not gonna happen without your help. So... please?

Tony: Did Gibbs just say...?

McGee: (stunned) Mm-hmm.

[edit] Singled Out [4.3]

Ziva: Oh, okay. I understand.

Tony: Understand what?

Ziva: You feel a little threatened now that Gibbs is back.

Tony: I do not!

Ziva: You have been whining like a little snitch all week!

Tony: The term is 'bitch'.

Ziva: I know. I was being polite.

[McGee is upset that Tony still calls him 'Probie']

Gibbs: McGee, how long have I been an NCIS Special agent?

McGee: Almost... sixteen years.

Gibbs: Wanna take a wild guess at what my first partner still calls me?

Ziva: Don't move. Drop your weapon! Or, if you'd prefer, I can shoot you in the spine. Would you rather be a para- or quadriplegic?

Tony: Okay, I got used to being in charge!

Ziva: You better get unused to being in charge before Gibbs decides to shoot you.

[Abby and McGee are asleep at their computers. Gibbs walks in.]

Gibbs: [whispers to Abby] Your computer's on fire.

Abby: [wakes up] AHH! McGee! My baby's french-frying! [starts typing furiously]

McGee: [wakes and starts typing] Checking internal core temperature!

[after a few seconds, Abby turns around]

Abby: That is so not funny, Gibbs!

Ziva: [to a suspect who has grabbed her butt] Remove your hand or I will rip your arm off and beat you to death with it!

[using a computer program that predicts the features of a couple's children, Tony and Abby combine Gibbs and Jenny and produce a hypothetical daughter.]

Tony: Wow... even with Gibbs as a father, I'd date her.

Gibbs: Never more than once, DiNozzo.

Abby: Aw, you and the Director make nice Gibblets, Gibbs.

Jenny: You're turning down a promotion because of Gibbs' mustache?

Tony: He called Ziva 'Kate' yesterday

[edit] Faking It [4.4]

Gibbs: Tell me you found a match on our suspect's prints, Abs.

Abby: Negative. Still processing. But what we do have is $73.65. That's what the victim was carrying. And there's no pennies. He probably threw them out. A lot of people do. I mean I don't but other people do. Do you know how many pennies are thrown out or put into jars every year?

Gibbs: Enlighten me.

Abby: 3.5 Billion. Billion, Gibbs! That's like 35 million dollars. That's a lot of pennies in any language.

Gibbs: Including Russian?

Abby: No, Russians don't have pennies, they have kopeks.

Gibbs: [about the missing case file on Operation Sunburst] Check the log; who booked it out last?

Tony: The CIA. So I guess that's not a who, it's more of an it.

Gibbs: Who was the NIS case agent?

[Tony pulls up the file, and sees Mike Franks.]

Tony: What time is it in Mexico right now?

Gibbs: Cantina time.

[McGee and Ziva are trying to find a bullet in pile of vomit]

McGee: Well, we could toss a coin. [Ziva gives him a look] Or not. All right, give me some gloves.

Ziva: You didn't pack the gloves.

McGee: I thought you packed the gloves.

Ziva: [laughs] I didn't pack the gloves.

McGee: Ziva thinks that all men are liars.

Tony: Really? Ha, so if I were to lie to you, you would be able to tell?

Ziva: Particularly you.

Tony: [grins] You think?

McGee: Wouldn't go there, Tony.

Tony: Oh, watch and weep. True or false: I had eggs for breakfast this morning.

Ziva: True.

Tony: Lucky guess. Last night, I had a date with a very beautiful woman.

Ziva: False.

Tony: She's good. My first car was a shiny new red Corvette.

Ziva: False. Strike three. I win.

Tony: [looks bothered] How did -- how did you do that?

Ziva: When you said you had a red Corvette, you looked down and to your left. A tell-tale sign when people lie.

Tony: And the date?

Ziva: Tony, if you had gone out with a beautiful woman last night, you would have talked about it all day.

Tony: I would?

McGee: Oh yeah.

Tony: Okay, but how could you possibly know that I had eggs for breakfast this morning?

Gibbs: Gear up! Got a message from a dead guy.

Tony: Ready to roll, boss!

Gibbs: [walks past as the team grabs their stuff] DiNozzo?

Tony: Yeah, boss?

Gibbs: You got egg on your shirt.

Ziva: [smiles] Not just your shirt...

Tony: Women want men to lie to them.

Ziva: Not true.

Tony: [In feminine voice] "Honey, does my butt look big in these pants to you?" [In masculine voice] "Actually, yes, sweetheart. Your butt looks as big as Alabama. Didn't want to say anything, but you got the 'Bama butt going on."

[edit] Dead And Unburied [4.5]

Ducky: [Describing a carpet] Looks like sisal. It's a naturally stiff fiber woven from the leaf of the cactus plant. It doesn't matt, trap dust, build static, makes it ideal for carpeting. Personally, I prefer a good shag. [stares from everyone, while Palmer grins widely] From a purely forensic standpoint, I mean.

Tony: We [he and McGee] watched the sunrise together. It was very Brokeback Mountain.

McGee: He had me at "howdy."

Abby: [gasps] You shaved your mustache! I liked you with a little hair on your face.

Gibbs: I've still got my eyebrows.

Abby: Good point.

Rick: What’s going on? Hey! Hey! Stop pointing the gun at my wife!

Ziva: She tried to rat on us.

Tony: She means rabbit.

Ziva: Rabbit, yes!

Jody: ...and I can only think of one explanation. It was the hand of God!

Ziva: [to Tony] Can Gibbs arrest God?

Tony: I don't know. It's like The Thing trying to bring in The Hulk.

Jody: I come from a good Catholic family! When we swear to God, we mean it!

[edit] Witch Hunt [4.6]

Ziva: The boy saw a car leaving the scene that looked like a "Karuma." I'm not familiar with the model.

Gibbs: "Karuma" is Japanese for "car," Ziva.

Tony: Your description of the car is "car." Nice work, Officer David.

McGee: The Karuma's the name of a car in Grand Theft Auto III. It's a Chrysler Sebring Sedan.

Tony: McGeek with the save!

McGee: Look, I know what I saw. Someone policed the brass and tried to wipe up the blood.

Tony: Who, Probie-- the crime scene fairies? There's no one here!

Tony: Something just touched my foot. Something's under the couch!

McGee: Maybe it's the, uh, crime scene fairy, Tony.

Tony: I hate Halloween

Gibbs: Marital problems?

Ziva: Well, according to someone called Scuttle Butt, he caught his wife cheating on him.

Gibbs: Scuttlebutt’s not a person, Ziva. Scuttlebutt is what Marines call gossip.

Ziva: And you wonder why I have a problem with your language.

Ducky: You know what they say about a mother bear and her cubs.

Ziva: They eat them when the food runs out. I saw it in this documentary that Tony forced me to watch; Grizzly Man?

Ducky: Yes, well, I was referring to the mother bear's protective instincts when her cubs are threatened. There is no more dangerous creature in the world.

Ziva: I agree. They also ate the man who shot the footage, and his girlfriend.

Ducky: Well, that's perfectly dreadful.

Ziva: That's what I said to Tony!

Ducky: What does Gibbs think?

Ziva: I don't know. He isn't speaking to me.

Ducky: Well, chin up, my dear. It could be worse.

Ziva: How?

Ducky: He could be a bear.

(Ducky and Palmer drive up with the car splattered with eggs)

Ziva: What happened to them?

Tony: I told you, it's Halloween.

Ducky: Sorry we're late, we had a run-in with some local youths.

Gibbs: Yeah, I can see that.

McGee: Did you get a good look at 'em?

Ducky: Oh, we did better than that. (to Palmer) Release the captives!

(Palmer slides open the door and three ninjas stumble out of the car)

Ninjas: Where are we? We said we're sorry!

Tony: Nice work, Palmer!

Palmer: Oh, it wasn't me, Tony. Dr. Mallard chased them three blocks!

Ducky: Oh, please. It's not that impressive. It's not as if they were real ninjas.

A guy at the Halloween party: Great group costume, guys, but, uh... you spelled CSI wrong on your hats.

[edit] Sandblast [4.7]

Tony: Did I miss something?

Ziva: Gibbs just found his fourth ex-wife.

Tony: Ziva! Hey! What the hell are you doing?

Ziva: I can disarm it.

Tony: Okay... Well, great. Let's go outside and talk about this.

Ziva: If it detonates before EOD gets here, we'll lose evidence.

Tony: Well, what a bummer! That would be a real shame. Ziva! Ziva! [running after her] This has to be the stupidest thing any human being has ever done!

Ziva: Then why are you following me, Tony?

Tony: I don't frickin' know!

Tony: [watching as Ziva disarms a bomb] I can see down your shirt right now.

Ziva: I don't think your new girlfriend would like that.

Tony: What are you talking about? I don't know what you're talking about.

Ziva: I'm talking about you, and the fact that you no longer stare at every woman when they pass you by.

Tony: Well, I'm looking down your shirt right now.

Ziva: See anything good?

Tony: Yeah. Real good, but I'm not entirely sure it's worth dying -- [winces as Ziva cuts a wire] -- over.

Ziva: Not worth dying over. [zips up her jacket] I'll remember that.

Tony: What if I said it was?

Ziva: Now you'll never know.

Tony: Looks like this guy's a couple puppies short of a pet shop!

Ziva: Most suicide bombers are.

[edit] Once A Hero [4.8]

Marty: You don't have an unhealthy obsession with death now, do you?

Abby: Oh no! It's just a hobby!

Nelson: Do I need a lawyer?

Gibbs: Only if you're feeling guilty.

Gibbs: There's more than one reason to kiss a girl.

Tony: There is?

Jeanne: I know something else we could do to stay warm.

Tony: Really? I wonder what that could be? Coffee?

Jeanne: Dancing!

Gibbs: DiNozzo!

Tony: Boss?

Gibbs: Stop eating the evidence.

[edit] Twisted Sister [4.9]

Tony: That was quick.

Gibbs: You solved this case? Already, DiNozzo?

Tony: No. It's my hundredth body. Hey, listen. [handing Gibbs the camera] You wouldn't mind taking a...? Sorry. It's a bad idea. It seemed less disgusting in my head.

Ziva: Compared to what else is in there, I'm sure it was.

Gibbs: Ah, there you are, Jen. I've been looking all over for you.

Jen: I thought since we were short on agents, Abby could use some help.

Gibbs: The only reason we are short on agents is because you sent DiNozzo home.

Jen: Well, there's no sense getting us all sick...

Abby: [as Gibbs] Next time you send one of my team home you clear it with me first, Director! [as Jen] Oh, I didn't know I needed your permission to handle my own personnel, Agent Gibbs! [as Gibbs] Your personnel?! [as Jen] Last time I checked, it said "Director" on my door, not yours! [to both of them] The kids don't like it when mommy and daddy fight.

Tony: [seeing McGee in the elevator waiting for Gibbs] And here I thought being sent to the principal's office was bad.

Abby: [about floor mat in taxi] I thought it smelled like Niozoprine.

Tony: Niozoprine? [smells it and gags]

Gibbs: Industrial strength vomit cleaner.

Gibbs: Do you know what a "clog" is?

Ziva: A shoe or a blocked drain?

Gibbs: No, on the Internet.

Ziva: Oh, I thought it was called a "blog," but then again my English is often wrong.

Gibbs: Sometimes a little lie is good for the soul.

Tony: [to Jeanne after discussing their relationship] If you always do what you've always done, then you'll always get what you always got. And while what I got had its perks, I'm looking for something different now.

[edit] Smoked [4.10]

Tony: [to Ziva] You know, McGee is really starting to nail your essence, here; '[in a low voice from McGee's book] Stakeouts. Long, endless hours fueled by cheap food and even cheaper coffee, but tonight Mossad Officer Lisa didn't seem to mind, because she was getting to spend it with Agent Tom... You're behind me again, aren't you?

Ziva: Lucky guess. [Tony grunts] You know, I think McGee is right.

Tony: He was, was he.

Ziva: It takes almost all of my willpower to resist the urges I have when I'm around you, Tony. Maybe, it's about time I just... give in, yes?

Tony: And by "give in", you mean...

Ziva: Letting loose! Doing what comes naturally to me.

Tony: Yeah, I thought I was picking up that vibe the first time we went undercover together.

Ziva: You were? In fact, I almost did it the first night in the hotel room.

Tony: Mhhm. Really?

Ziva: But my father would not approve.

Tony: Because I'm not Jewish?

Ziva: [laughing] Because gets very angry when I kill a co-worker.

Tony: Ha! Like I believed you for even a second.

Ziva: I'm sure you didn't.

Gibbs: You two done playing grab-ass?

Ziva: Oh, he started it!

Gibbs: I'm ending it.

McGee: Abby, they hate me.

Abby: They don't hate you, McGee.

McGee: Ziva tried to kill me yesterday.

Abby: Well, you did base all of the characters in your book on us, and you didn't ask our permission.

McGee: Deep Six is a work of pure fiction!

Abby: You described everything in my bedroom.

McGee: Not everything. Do you still have those...?

[Abby's computer beeps.]

Abby: Ah-ah. Fantasize later, Hemingway.

Shepard: Before you go, Fornell, there is one thing...

Gibbs: Come with me Tobias, I want to show you something.

Fornell: You've got that moustache in a box, don't you?

[edit] Driven [4.11]

Woman: From the video presentation it's clear that sexual harassment can take many forms in the workplace. A coworker with elevator eyes looking you up and down, a coworker shows you a cartoon or photo of a sexual nature.

Tony: If you're lucky.

Woman: A coworker's hand accidentally brushes up against your body.

Ziva: If you're really lucky.

Woman: Physical contact can be divided into three categories. Green light includes normal behavior. Yellow light includes borderline behavior such as hugging someone...

[Abby raises her hand.]

Woman: Yes?

Abby: What's wrong with hugging people? I hug people all the time.

Woman: You may see it as friendly, but your coworkers may find it offensive.

Abby: You guys get offended when I hug you?!

[everyone mutters no]

Abby: [happily] I am hugging you all in my mind right now.

Woman: DOD policy is very clear about this point, miss. You must first ask permission before making physical contact with a coworker.

Abby: Like, every time?

Woman: Yes. Finally there's red light behavior such as deliberate unwelcome touching.

Ziva leans forward and licks Tony's ear and neck, causing him to stand up in suprise.]

Woman: Another question?

Tony: Uh, yeah. If you slap someone on the back of the head like this... [slaps McGee's head, McGee slaps back] would that be considered inappropriate behavior?

Woman: Absolutely. Are you saying that this has actually happened?

[Jenny looks at Gibbs. Gibbs shares a look with Tony.]

Tony: ...No. Just wondering, that's all.

[Palmer raises his hand.]

Woman: Yes?

Palmer: What if your job includes touching, ah, naked people...

Woman: That is inappropriate at any time.

Palmer: Even if they're dead?

Woman: [sternly] Why are you touching dead naked people?!

Palmer: Well, I work in autopsy...

Ziva: You attacked the car?

Gibbs: The car tried to kill Abby!

McGee: I found it, Abby. I found how they got in.

Abby: How'd you know I was here?

McGee: Oh, uh, I, uh... didn't. Look, Abby, I'm really sor--

Abby: I know. [pauses, then comes up behind McGee and hugs him]

McGee: I though you were supposed to ask first.

Abby: Never with you, Tim.

[McGee puts his hand over hers.]

Gibbs: [holds up the memory chip from a digital camera] Essentially, all we have to do is find something the size of this, inside a Humvee packed with $22 million worth of electronics?

McGee: Pretty much.

Gibbs: [drops the chip in Abby's pocket] We're screwed.

Abby: That is an excellent point.

[edit] Suspicion [4.12]

Ziva: Did you hear that, Tony? McGee just said he's not secretive!

Tony: Hm, let's see. Wrote a novel.

Ziva: Didn't tell us.

Tony: Got it published.

Ziva: Didn't tell us.

Tony: Made substantial amounts of money from said novel.

Ziva: Didn't tell us.

Tony: Anything else?

Ziva: Bought a Porsche.

Tony: Didn't tell us. Can you see how people might begin to see a pattern of secretive behavior here, Probie?

McGee: Okay look, I might have been hiding stuff, but it wasn't sneaky, it was just...

Ziva: Deceptive.

Tony: Sneaky.

McGee: Self-preservation. If I told you guys I was writing a novel, you would have laughed at me.

Tony: True.

Ziva: True.

Tariq: You're a Jew.

Ziva: Yes.

Tariq: Israeli? Mossad, then.

Ziva: I'm working with NCIS.

Tariq: So, yes. So now I'm as suspicious of you as you are of me. Is it always going to be this way?

Ziva: At least in our lifetime.

[Deputy Tyler Barrett walks in.]

Tyler: Oh, cozy.

Ziva: Can I help you?

Tyler: [to Tariq] You know, couple of more inches to your right and our "martyr" here could've been living it up with all those vestal virgins. (chuckles) You know, it truly is a screwed-up religion where you got to blow yourself up just to get lucky.

[Ziva twists his arm behind his back, hard.]

Tyler: OW!

Ziva: When you insult his religion, you insult mine and your own. Tell him you're sorry.

Tyler: (quietly) Sorry. (she twists harder) AH!

Ziva: I don't think he heard you.

Tyler: I'm sorry!

Tariq: Apology accepted.

Gibbs: (walking in) There a problem?

Ziva: I was telling the deputy here where the bathroom was.

[edit] Sharif Returns [4.13]

Tony: Morse code is a dying art.

Ziva: It was for him.

[Gibbs and Mann kiss in her bedroom.]

Lt. Col. Mann: Before we do this, I just need to know one thing. How did you get the damn boat out of your basement?

[edit] Blowback [4.14]

Jenny: You were supposed to keep Mister Harrow under surveillance, not chase him into a coronary!

McGee: Director, once he made us, we had to take him into custody, didn't we?

Ziva: No, the Director's right. We could of let Haro escape. If he sold ARES, we could of caught "Black Rose" or "La Grenouille" selling it to Iran!

Jenny: Don't be cute, Officer David! I'm saying there had to be a better way! Right Tony? [Jenny glares at Tony for some support]

Tony: Uh, that's right Director. They could've -

Gibbs: - Shot him.

Tony: That's right, they could have shot him.

Gibbs: Of course, in high octane situation, Ziva reverts to her Mossad training and probably would've put a round through his heart.

Ziva: Three rounds...

Gibbs: And McGee, not to be outdone, would've -

McGee: - Added three more rounds.

Jenny: Gibbs...

Gibbs: See, there you go. Six rounds, same result. One dead Mister Harrow.

[Ducky walks over to the group]

Ducky: I signed for the body. Cause of death was most likely a - [noticing Jenny glaring at Gibbs] Am I interrupting?

Jenny: Not at all, Doctor. We were just discussing the various ways NCIS could have killed Mister Harrow besides chasing him to death!

Ducky: I am interrupting... [Turns around and starts to walk away]

Jenny: Doctor! [Ducky turns back] Death was most likely caused by?

Ducky: Myocardial Infarction. It was probably brought on by a combination of a high fat Western diet, little exercise, and the mistaken belief he could run up all those stairs. Rigorous for most - rigor mortis for him.

Jenny: Anything else?

Ducky: Well, not until I do the - [Jenny glares at Gibbs and then hurries off] - autopsy.

Ziva: That's Ares?

Tony: According to McGeek. Ziva watch the road!

Ziva: I have great peripheral vision.

Tony: My sphincter doesn't.

Ziva: At least we won't have trouble finding it.

Tony: Really?

Ziva: Tony, it's the size of an ATM!

Ziva: Will you tell me her name if I find the pirate’s copy of ARES?

Tony: Pirated copy.

Ziva: That’s what I said.

Tony: No, you said pirate’s copy. A pirate is a person like 'Captain Jack Sparrow'. A pirated copy...

Ziva: Who is 'Jack Sparrow'?

Tony: Johnny Depp.

Ziva: He’s a pirate?

Tony: No, he’s an actor.

Ziva: Oh.

Tony: How did we get here?

Ziva: I drove.

Ziva: This is going to be like looking for a needle in a needle stack

Tony: Needle in a haystack.

Ziva: I like my description better.

[edit] Friends & Lovers [4.15]

[Ziva is teaching knife throwing. Tony off to the side is eating Froot Loops and smirking]

Ziva: At Mossad we have a saying: Knives don't run out of bullets. Now, any questions pertaining to this class?

Tony: I've got one. You ever killed anyone with a spoon?

Ziva: No, but I am seriously considering it.

[Lee draws back her hand to throw a knife. It flies out of her hand and hits the wall behind them, narrowly missing Gibbs as he enters.]

Ziva: I thought you said you grew up around weapons?

Lee: I did. I didn't say my father let me near them.

Gibbs: McGee, you find any more maggots crawling around you bag them for evidence.

McGee: Ziva, I would give you a hundred dollars to trade with me.

Ziva: You're afraid of bugs, McGee?

McGee: Bugs, no. Wriggling faceless blob creatures crawling inside human flesh, yes.

Ziva: Believe it or not I used to feel the same way.

McGee: How'd you get over it?

Ziva: I've found that if you are hungry enough they actually don't taste that bad.

Abby: I hereby accept your challenge. We will meet on the field at dawn. Weapons: Caffeine fueled intellect versus cold silicon based intelligence. Until then I bid you a good day sir. (turn around to see Ziva and McGee behind her who are trying not to laugh) Hi.

Ziva: Hi. you talk to your Mass Spectrometer?

Abby: Ya, sometimes. Why?

McGee: You challenged it to a duel.

Abby: Well it spit out a chemical composition that I'm not familiar with. There has to be some sense of decorum around here. I'm running it through the computer now.

McGee: Well, Gibbs is more interested in this. (holds up a pink, laminated card) Did you find anything yet?

Abby: When, McGee. If you haven't noticed, I'm the only one here! Which may be why I started talking to my machines in the first place.

McGee: Well, Abbs, I've got to tell him something.

Abby: Tell him you love him, McGee. It works for me.

Gibbs: (walks in with a Caf-Pow) Not all the time.

(Tony, Ziva, and Carson watching Gibb's interrogation)

Tony: It’s almost unfair interrogating junkies.

Ziva: It’s like shooting fish in a pond.

Carson: I um… I think you mean a barrel.

Ziva: Why would a fish be in a barrel?

Carson: Um... I, um... it’s a good point. I never really thought about it before.

Ziva: Mm-hmm.

(Tony and Ziva looking at a vacation website)

Ziva: Where are WE going?

Tony: We're not going anywhere.

Ziva: Who are you taking, McGee?

[edit] Dead Man Walking [4.16]

Roy: Lieutenant Roy Sanders, Sir. I need you to investigate a murder.

Gibbs: Whose?

Roy: [pulls out a clump of his own hair] Mine.

Ziva: This is killing me. I feel like I know him.

Tony: Mossad?

Ziva: Maybe.

Tony: Internet dating?

Ziva: I will kill you eighteen different ways with this paperclip.

Roy: Table's cold.

Ducky: None of my other patients ever complained.

Roy: Sorry, thought it might be nice for you to have someone to talk to for a change.

Ducky: Oh, I always talk to my guests. The difference here is, you talk back.

[McGee has to wear hospital scrubs while Abby tests his clothes for radiation.]

Tony: Clothes make the man, what does that make McGee?

Ziva: Male nurse?

Tony: No, Aquasmurf.

McGee: Found something.

Tony: Is it dangerous?

McGee: Do you want kids...? Kidding.

Roy: Sorry, felt a little dizzy.

Ziva: I have to get you into bed. Oh, I ...

Roy: I'm not saying anything.

Ziva: Sorry, it's the English.

Ziva: I have been working for thirty straight hours!

McGee: This is my fourth cup of the day!

Tony: Mossad. Hot liquid. Let her have it, McGee.

Ziva: Thanks.

Roy: Would you think you'd have noticed... that I was no longer there? That I'd stopped running.

Ziva: Yes. I would've noticed... I would have missed seeing you.

Roy: But eventually you'd have forgotten me.

Ziva: Yes... [takes Roy's hand] I won't forget you now.

[edit] Skeletons [4.17]

Abby: (to McGee, holding a dollar bill and a candy bar) Give me a dollar.

McGee: Okay. What's wrong with that one?

Abby: The machine wouldn't take it. And I want a candy bar.

McGee: What's wrong with that candy bar?

Abby: It has nougat in it.

McGee: But you hate nougat.

Abby: I know! It was a mistake, McGee! Do you have a dollar?!

McGee: All I have are big bills.

Ziva: What is nougat?

Tony: It's whipped dolphin fat.

McGee: No. That's the filling in Klowny Kake.

Abby: That is a myth. [Shouts] Would someone please give me a dollar?!

(silence)

Tony: Sure, I got one.

(Abby walks over and snatches it from him)

Abby: Thanks. God, it's like some kind of crime to not like nougat! [Leaves]

Ziva: I don't even know what nougat is!

Gibbs: It's a cream, made from sugar, honey and nuts. Grab your gear. Got an explosion at a Marine's funeral in James River National.

McGee: Did anyone else see what just happened there with Abby?

Tony: Yeah. She stole my dollar.

McGee: She definitely seemed Un-Abby.

Ziva: Who?

Tony: Abby.

Ziva: Abby's unhappy?

Tony: No. Abby's Un-Abby. I need you to focus here, okay? Pitch in. I'll talk to her when I can.

McGee: Why you?

Tony: Because dealing with an angry woman requires a great deal of sensitivity. Clearly not an area of expertise for you.

McGee: Well, I don't doubt that you have more experience with angry women.

Tony: See? That wasn't very sensitive, was it?

Ziva: The man has one serious relationship and all of the sudden, he's an expert.

Tony: All right, there is one clear-cut, undeniable reason why I should be the one to talk to Abby: She owes me a dollar.

McGee: I was right, wasn't I? There is something wrong with Abby.

Tony: Let it go, Probie.

McGee: Why?

Tony: Because I'm pretty sure it was something you did.

Gibbs: DiNozzo, David, wait here.

Tony: You sure about that, Boss...? Of course, because if you weren't, you'd be saying, "DiNozzo, David, follow me." PROBIE, STOP IT!

[edit] Iceman [4.18]

Tony: Well, well. Look who's finally here.

Ziva: Oh, like you've never been late, left early, or gone mysteriously missing.

Tony: Oh no, that's my point exactly. Tardiness is my middle name. In fact, it's expected of me. You, on the other hand, have become the poster girl for punctuality.

Gibbs: Any tattoos Ducky?

Ducky: Ahh, a direct query, demanding a direct response, which in this case is a direct no.

Mike: [to Gibbs] We're getting more alike you and me, Probie. Even feeling the same pain. I don't know how you didn't go crazy when you lost your little girl, maybe you did for awhile; maybe you still are. But I just know I've got to do what's right for my boy... I owe him that.

Tony: Ever tell your dad what you were up to Probie?

McGee: Everyday!

Tony: ...Wrong person to ask.

Abby: [her eyes are closed] Do you think it's ESP? [Gibbs walks out] I mean, that you always know when I find something, and if it is ESP, are you reading my mind, or am I sending you some sort of brain thoughts out of my head and into yours? [she turns around, opens her eyes, realizing he's not here and shuts them again] Come back Gibbs. Come back Gibbs.

Tony: There is nothing lucky about waking up at your own autopsy Probie.

McGee: Well... at least you know you're not dead.

Ducky: [about the morgue] This is the place, where death rejoices in teaching the living!

Abby: I found this, in his left trouser pocket. It's organic.

McGee: Illegal?

Abby: We could smoke it and find out.

[edit] Grace Period [4.19]

Paula Cassidy: I'm not convinced that it wasn't this guy. I mean, how do we know Ducky didn't make a mistake?

Ziva: Tony.

Tony: Because Ducky doesn't make mistakes, Paula.

Ziva: Which means what you saw yesterday was, by definition, mistaken.

Paula Cassidy: Look, even if he did die the day before, it doesn't mean he wasn't involved. Right? Tony?

Tony: She does have a valid point, Ziva.

Paula Cassidy: We don't even know what his cause of death is. For all we know he could've committed suicide!

Ziva: A suicide bomber who commits suicide before his bombing? That doesn't make any sense!

Tony: No! It doesn't! But it does raise an interesting point. Imagine, if you will, ladies. An assisted suicide of a suicide bomber who suicided before his suicide bombing. It's kinda like how many chucks could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wo--

Gibbs: [Head-slaps Tony] DiNozzo, what the hell is wrong with you?

Tony: I am just trying to lighten the mood of the room a little bit, boss.

Gibbs: I got a better way: Leave. And take her with you.

Ziva: That works for me.

Paula: Works for me, too, David.

Ziva: Da-veed!

[edit] Cover Story [4.20]

McGee: The blood starts at the ping-pong table.

Tony: Beer pong.

McGee: Huh?

Tony: This is tragic, don't tell me you've never played beer pong before, Probie.

[McGee stares at Tony]

Tony: What did you do at MIT?

McGee: Study.

Tony: Figures.

Ziva: Was no secret he was writing about us.

Tony: Oh, come on, it's not about us. I mean the whole part about Lisa and her broken heart?

Ziva: And the memento she keeps from a relationship that never had a chance to happen?

Tony: Yeah. Where's he gettin' that? Or the scene between Lisa and Tommy where they pour out their hearts to each other and spill their secrets?

Ziva: When he tries to explain the profound nature of his identity crisis?

Tony: Yeah, I mean, the hidden struggle between who he is and what he's becoming? I don't even know what that is.

Ziva: Yeah, totally unrealistic.

Tony: Would never happen.

[awkward silence]

Ducky: From what I hear, Timothy, in your next novel, L.J. Tibbs has a love interest. Yes. I hear that it's an Army...

McGee: Ducky, I don't think we need to talk about that.

Gibbs: Army what? McGee?

McGee: [reluctantly] Lieutenant... Colonel. Lieutenant colonel.

[edit] Brothers In Arms [4.21]

Tony: I sure wouldn't want to be a fly on the wall up there. [Ziva looks confused] Never mind.

Gibbs: What've you got, Abs?

Abby: Oh, your usual incriminating evidence, all circumstantial, but beggars can't be choosers.

McGee: Have you ever seen anyone walk that quickly in heels?

Tony: Only at the end of a really hairy date.

[edit] In The Dark [4.22]

McGee: I can't imagine what I'd do if I lost my eyesight.

Ziva: You'd adapt.

McGee: What if I didn't?

Ziva: You'd fall into a deep depression and eventually you would die.

McGee: Remind me not to come to you for a pep-talk anytime soon.

Gibbs: What's he hiding?

McGee: For the most part, not a whole lot. It's about the most boring diary I've ever read. An obsession with Kelly Clarkson... wondering why he can't find a girlfriend...

Abby: He didn't make the connection between those two things?

Tony: Abby's processing evidence from his office. She nearly bit my head off when I poked it into her lab to check on her.

McGee: Quit drinking caffeine.

Ziva: Abby?!

Tony: Abby Sciuto?

Tony: How long were you guys there?

Ziva: Long enough. So, you are getting a new roommate?

Tony: We're discussing it.

Ziva: What is there to discuss?

Tony: It's complicated.

Ziva: Complicated, complicated, complicated. You know, in America I have noticed the use of that word as a code for 'if I explain it, you would not agree, therefore I will use the word "complicated" and hopefully you will stop asking!'

Tony: That's pretty much it in a nutshell. I'm going to go see what Abby wants...

Ziva: Tony.

Tony: Ziva... if you're going to give me advice on dating, I'm going to need to get something out of my system first, okay? [laughs heartily]

Ziva: Stop laughing or I will hurt you.

Ziva: I know what you're doing. You're hiding behind all these jokes, and I know what you're hiding from.

Tony: Really? What's that?

Ziva: What everyone who is afraid to love hides from: getting hurt.

Tony: It's not just me that I'm worried about hurting, Ziva.

Ziva: That's because you're a good person.

[edit] Trojan Horse [4.23]

Abby: I love you, McGee. Not like "love you" love you. Not that I don't love you, because I do, kind of. You know, like the way I love puppies.

McGee: I could have done without that comparison.

Abby: But I love puppies.

Jenny: [calling from Paris] Is the agency intact?

Gibbs: I cut it up into small bitsy pieces and sold it to the three-letter boys.

[edit] Angel Of Death [4.24]

Jenny: Is the agency still intact after a week with Gibbs in charge?

Cynthia: Mmm... we survived.

Jenny: [chuckles] Did Gibbs?

Cynthia: Barely.

Gibbs: What were you doing for 21 hours, Jenny?

Jenny: What we used to do, ever so well.

Gibbs: When you lie, your right eye twitches. It always has.

Gibbs: You lost your protection detail in Paris. You went missing for 21 hours, where were you?

Jenny: You sound like a jealous husband.

Gibbs: How would you know?

Ducky: Unless you're a spy.

Ziva: Why're you looking at me?!

Ducky: I'm trying to lighten the atmosphere with a little humor.

Abby: [speaking to her computers and devices] Wake up! Wake up! Wake up! Okay, I know you guys have been working really hard lately, and I promised that you could have the weekend off, but this sounds like an emergency, so I need everybody to get those electrons flowing! If anybody is not up to it, I need to know now, not when the Director arrives. Something's wrong. [walks up to her stereo and turns up music, then heads back to her computer and breathes in deeply] Ready.

[edit] Season 5

[edit] Bury Your Dead [5.1]

Ziva / McGee: What're you doing here?

Ziva: I asked first.

McGee: Well technically, Ziva, I think that if we were to put that to the test you'd find that it was too close to call. But, since my parents raised a gentleman and yours raised a killer, I was defragging my computers.

Ziva: Liar.

Jenny: His cover is teaching film online in American university.

Ziva: Tony, a teacher?

McGee: No wonder he's been compromised. Who's bright idea was that?

Jenny: Mine.

McGee: What was that for?

Tony: Believing I was dead.

McGee: Hey, I never believed that you were dead. Ziva was the one that gave up on you.

Ziva: Don't even think about the headslap.

Abby: Tony! I knew you'd be alright, I knew it! Everybody else gave you up for dead, even Ziva!

Ziva: OK, so I may have acted a little... hastily.

Tony: That's my letter opener!

Ziva: Excellent balance and weight. The edge is a little dull, but I have always admired it.

Tony: (checks his desk) Where's my American Pie coffee mug?

Abby: Palmer.

Tony: Mighty Mouse stapler?

Abby: Ducky. (looks over his shoulder) Hey, Ducky!

[Tony turns and sees Ducky, caught in the act of trying to replace Tony's Mighty Mouse stapler.]

Ducky: My dear fellow... I never believed it for a moment!

Tony: You ever lie to someone you love, Ziva?

Ziva: Yes.

Tony: They ever forgive you?

Ziva: They never found out.

Tony: Mine found out.

[edit] Family [5.2]

Ziva: I'm just being curious.

McGee: About when I lost my virginity.

Ziva: No, you misunderstood. I'm not asking when you lost your virginity but if you lost it.

Ziva: [Seeing Tony working at his desk] What's wrong with this picture?

McGee: You mean, beside Tony being here before us? And actually working?

Tony: I can hear you, you know.

Ziva: I am here if you'd like to talk.

Tony: About what?

Ziva: I know how much you cared about her.

Tony: I'm fine, Ziva.

Ziva: All right. But I thought maybe you'd need a little cheering up.

Tony: If I needed to be cheered up, I would've put superglue on McGee's keyboard.

McGee: You put superglue on my keyboard!

McGee: All right. I think I know what happened here.

Tony: Oh, twenty bucks says McGee's about to say something nobody understands again.

McGee: The GPS coordinates came bundled in a proprietary packet. Since it was a beta, I thought-

Gibbs: I'm starting to think you can't help yourself, McGee.

[Ziva confronts Tony in the men's room]

Tony: You know, I saw this on Cinemax once.

Ziva: So what happens now?

Tony: They play some funky music and you say, "I have been watching you from afar."

Ziva: Well, I've been watching you from afar, Tony, which is why I know how much you cared for Jeanne.

Tony: Oh, your timing is impeccable, Ziva.

Ziva: And how much it hurt when she left. So, what happens now?

Tony: I said I'm fine.

Ziva: You are not fine. You are still deeply troubled.

Tony: Even if I was, this bothers you because...?

Ziva: Because you are my partner. And because you made a grave error in judgment falling in love with that girl.

Tony: If this is a pep-talk, I give you a D-minus.

Ziva: And right now, it is very clear you are still hanging onto her.

Tony: I see the confusion. These are called "feelings," Ziva.

Ziva: Feelings you need to let go.

Tony: That easy, huh?

Ziva: Tony, even if by some miracle Jeanne did forgive you, would you be willing to be Tony DiNardo full-time, to leave your entire life behind for her? You did not think this through.

Tony: Didn't you tell me the heart wants what it wants?

Ziva: No. Actually, I didn't.

Tony: Well, it does.

Ziva: Well, it shouldn't.

Tony: Really. This coming from the woman who fell in love with the dead man walking.

Ziva: You crossed the line, Tony.

Tony: Oh, I crossed the line?

Gibbs: Do I need to send you two back to the men's room?

Tony: Hey! She followed me in there!

Ziva: Only because you wouldn't talk to me!

Tony: [Gibbs stares them down] Shutting up, Boss.

Abby: The prints were made by a residue of polysaccharide dust derived from belta-glucose. What makes it interesting, is the backbone of D-xylopyranose, linked with eight xylose units... Panda poop.

Gibbs: Panda?

Abby: Poop. Which is why it fluoresces, like all other poop does. What makes it really, really interesting... is the sodium hydrochloride: a.k.a Chlorine bleach.

Abby: [pause] I, lost you at "poop", huh.

Gibbs: Uh-huh.

[edit] Ex-File [5.3]

Tony: Crash and burn, only a matter of time.

Ziva: What?

Tony: Not a what. A whom. Colonel Mann, Gibbs. Army/Navy joint operation.

Ziva: Could last a lifetime.

Tony: Behind the torture techniques and the contract killings, you're really just a...

Ziva: A whom?

Tony: Whom? Not a whom, it's more, it's a what.

Ziva: A what, then?

Tony: What then? Uh... what? What...

Ziva: I'm still just a what?

Fred Rinnert: A girl.

[both stop and look at him in surprise]

Tony: Who do you think is prettier? Ex-wife number three, or future ex-wife number four?

Ziva: Colonel Mann is at a disadvantage because of her uniform. [pause] Tell me you're not trying to imagine her without the uniform, Tony!

Ducky: A man's heart often tells us how he lived. Sometimes, it might even tell us how he died, but contrary to popular myth, it never tells us how he loved.

Hollis Mann: Bring her in for another interview.

Gibbs: Wait.

Hollis Mann: I said bring her in!

Gibbs: And I said wait!

Tony: This never turns out well for the kids.

Abby: Gibbs has this uncanny ability to know when I've found something. I don't even know what I've found yet.

Fred: Well he didn't seem happy.

Abby: Oh, no, no. He never is. Even when he is happy, and I doubt he's happy right now. But, you know, I am his favorite, so he's usually pretty good with me.

[edit] Identity Crisis [5.4]

Ziva: Did you get her number?

Tony: Who, Courtney? No.

Ziva: I did.

[Ziva and McGee are focused at his computer and grinning as Tony walks in]

Ziva: [chuckles] Aw, not bad....

McGee: Look at this one... you're gonna love this guy.

Ziva: Yeah, he would not be safe with me... I would eat him.

McGee: He's so adorable! How can you say no to that face...

Ziva: [chuckles]

Tony: Please tell me you're looking for a man for Ziva.

Ziva: [gives him a stare] Not me.

Tony: Oh! [wanders over] McGoo... is there something you wanna tell me?

McGee: Looking at animal rescue sites.

Ziva: McGee is thinking about getting a puppy.

Tony: Puppy's a lot of work. You gotta feed it, walk it, train it...

McGee: Yeah, I'm not twelve, alright. I work hard. I deserve someone that will jump up, all excited when I get home, you know. Lay on the couch, watch TV. Maybe lick my face a little bit...

Ziva: [exchanges amused looks with him and chuckles]

Tony: Might be easier getting a girlfriend.

Ziva: [gives him a distasteful look] Ehh.

McGee: Which might be even easier with a puppy. [Tony gets a look on his face, slowly meeting McGee's gaze] Even for you.

Tony: I'm not ready to start taking tips on this from you yet, probie.

McGee: Tony, I think it's time you get back on that horse.

Ziva: [looks confused] Are you getting a pony?

Tony: It's an adage.

Ziva: I am not familiar with that breed.

Tony: Yeah, well they are quite rare. Sort of a cross between a pegasus and a unicorn.

Tony: So, what's the favorite?

Ziva: [annoyed] The Pit Bull.

Tony: Yeah, that makes sense for you, actually. Not really for McGee. He seems more like a Spaniel kind of guy. Cocker, maybe?

[Tony, Ziva and McGee are discussing which dog to get as Gibbs walks past]

Gibbs: How about an Australian Shepherd. They're working dogs.

[Tony, Ziva and McGee start to get up to help Gibbs]

Gibbs: Siiiiiit. [they slowly sit back down] Stay. [smiles and walks off] Roll over.

Tony: [watching an arrest in MTAC] An NCIS production. Presented by Leroy Jethro Gibbs. [On screen, FBI agents are running into building] Starring, as per usual, the FBI.

[edit] Leap of Faith [5.5]

[McGee and Tony enter a therapist's waiting room. Tony is about to knock on the therapist's office door when McGee stops him]

McGee: Don't do that!

Tony: Do what?

McGee: He might be with someone! [He turns on a light switch]

Tony: That tells him someone's here?

[Tony impatiently switches the switch on and off several times quickly]

McGee: Haven't you ever been to a therapist before?

Tony: Me? No. [Sits on a couch] You?

McGee: Yeah. Once when I was young.

Tony: For your Acrophobia?

McGee: You're blowing that all out of proportion, Tony.

Tony: Well, you showed a pathological fear of heights today.

McGee: I was staring down ten stories. Being a little disoriented is a little understandable.

Tony: Disoriented? Your panties were in a twist. Tears in your eyes. Oh, wait. I couldn't see your eyes because they were shut so tight! You were hysterical like a little girl!

McGee: I was not.

Tony: You were huggin' the ladder. Ladder hugger. And I got the photographic evidence. [Pulls out a camera phone] Let technology show you the truth. [Shows McGee a video of him nervously on the ladder]

McGee: My eyes are not closed. I was blinking.

Tony: [Looks at the video] Oh. Oh, is that- Is that what you were doing? Let's let the people decide.

McGee: You're not going to post that on YouTube?

Tony: I might.

McGee: You give me that thing or I'm gonna-- [Tony shuts the phone] Hey! [Begins wrestling for the phone]

Tony: [Holding the phone away from McGee's grasp] What are you gonna do? What are you gonna do?

[Both begin fighting over the phone]

Dr. Fleming: Hey, hey. Hey. [Both stop fighting] You two have deeper issues than you discussed on the phone.

Tony: On the phone?

Dr. Fleming: Aren't you the couple who called up about marriage counseling?

McGee: [Realizes] Couple? Us? No, no... [Begins moving away from Tony]

Tony: It's okay, Timmy. Timmy. We're in a safe place. We can be ourselves here. [McGee quickly moves away from Tony and stands in front of Dr. Fleming] We just got back from Vermont. Pretty there this time of year.

McGee: Sorry. [Shows Dr. Fleming his badge] NCIS. Special Agents McGee, and DiNozzo.

Tony: [Stands] Very special agents.

[Abby comes up to the empty squadroom late at night when no one else is there. She sits at Gibbs' desk and puts on his glasses.]

Abby: [Imitating Gibbs] I heard that, DiNozzo. Another wise-ass comment like that, I'll smack you so hard, your grandchildren will feel it. [Looks at McGee's desk] Think it's funny, McGee? Wipe that smile off your face. [Looks at Ziva's desk] That goes for you, too, David. [Picks up the phone] Special Agent Gibbs! [Speaking normal, slowly takes off Gibbs' glasses] You're standing behind me, aren't you?

Gibbs: Yep. [comes over] Feeling very secure about your job, are you, Abs?

Abby: Um, not so much anymore.

[McGee has just saved Tony from falling from a high level of a parking garage and they are both sitting on the ground against the concrete partition, panting.]

Tony: I love you, McGee. [pats McGee's knee] I promise I am never going to give you a hard time again.

McGee: Yeah, right. [Tony pats McGee's chest, McGee bats his hand away.]

[edit] Chimera [5.6]

[Tony shoots a drinking straw wrapper at Ziva]

Ziva: Don't you have paperwork, DiNozzo?

Tony: What do you think I'm doing? I take the paper, and I make it work. [shoots another wrapper]

Tony: What do your... astute ninja Mossad senses tell you?

Tony: [singing] Baa, baa, black ship... have you any wool?... Yes, sir, yes, sir... but in order to see it, you're gonna need top-secret government clearance...

Abby: You guys okay?

McGee: Oh, yeah, we're peachy. I am dealing with my boat phobia, Tony is dealing with his rat phobia and Ziva is dealing with her ghost phobia.

Abby: So, what's Gibbs dealing with?

Gibbs: Them.

Tony: I knew it. I'm gonna die. I inhaled it. God! Definitely didn't picture my demise like this. I always figured I'd go out like Cagney in White Heat. Fiery explosion. Or Redford and Newman. Butch Cassidy. Hail of bullets.

Gibbs: Or Charlie Chaplin in The Gold Rush.

Tony: How'd he die?

Gibbs: Silently.

[Tony is carrying a dead rat through the abandoned ship.]

Tony: Yes, Alex, I'll take "Horror Movies That Take Place On Ships" for $500. [The lights go out] Oh, goody. Double Jeopardy.

[edit] Requiem [5.7]

Ziva: She knew.

McGee: Reads Gibbs like a book.

Tony: Short read, not a lot of dialogue.

Ziva: Your kind of book.

Tony: Are you suggesting I don't read?

McGee: I think she's suggesting you only look at the pictures, Tony.

Tony: Soldier of fortune's about to become a soldier of misfortune.

Ziva: Dogs of war about to taste the hair of the dogs.

Shepard: Any idea where he's going?

Tony: No.

Shepard: Hazard a guess?

Tony: Well, he took his badge and his gun, maybe he's going to shoot someone.

Ziva: Sergeant Haas comes back from Iraq, and the first thing he does is try to move in with a girl he's dated twice. Why?

Tony: He's a man.

Ziva: What does she have that he does not?

Tony: A bed.

[edit] Designated Target [5.8]

Ziva: [on the phone] No, no, no, it's not you, it's just... well, you know, these things run their course, and, ah... well, you, you must accept--

Tony: Personal call, David?

Ziva: Yes. Go away!

Tony: Somebody being dumped?

Ziva: Oh - how do you tell someone you no longer want to see them?

Tony: Easy. [grabs Ziva's phone] Listen, dirtbag, this is Ziva's husband. I have your phone number now, I can find your address; if you ever try to contact her again, I will reach down your throat, grab your intestines, rip them out and drive over your head! Lose this number or lose your life! [hangs up, hands the phone back to Ziva] You're welcome.

Ziva: That was my Aunt Nettie from Tel Aviv. She was trying to stop seeing her eighty-six-year-old mah jong partner.

Tony: Why didn't you stop me?

Ziva: Too stunned.

Tony: Where do I send flowers?

Ziva: If you communicate with her again, I will kill you.

Tony: [after Gibbs dope-slaps him] You know, repeated head trauma causes brain damage.

McGee: Explains a lot.

Tony: Is this side of my head bigger?

Ziva: Yes. But so is the other side.

Ziva: You're xenophobic.

Tony: No, I'm not Xena-phobic. It's one of my favorite shows. Leather skirts, lesbian sword-fighting, female empowerment. But maybe I'm a little Ziva-phobic.

Ziva: Do you ever think about soulmates?

Tony: They were on Decca, right? Big hit, mid-'70s? Sort of a disco thing? Sing a few bars, I'll get it.

Ziva: You'll never get it.

McGee: Abby, what do I do? It's like, I'm nuts for this girl, you know? And she's just... nuts.

McGee: She does this for fun! She's been arrested twice! She steals people's money, she buys things...

Abby: The crazy ones are the best.

McGee: See, the weird thing is... I kinda dig it, you know?

Abby: Okay, love is never having to read her her Miranda rights, but she's gonna do this to somebody else. Throw her psycho ass in the brig. I love you, McGee. That should be enough.

[edit] Lost and Found [5.9]

Ziva: I'm driving.

Tony: I'm dead.

Ziva: I'm a trained navigator, Tony.

Tony: Yeah? Well, I got an A in Geography. Plus, I'm senior field agent. I'm pulling rank.

Ziva: I'm also a trained assassin.

Tony: God! Oh, God, these are new boots!

Ziva: This is not the time for sightseeing, Tony!

Tony: The only sight I see is your big black...

Ziva: Hey!

Tony: Backpack! Walking faster!

Abby: Do you know what my biggest pet peeve is, McGee?

McGee: People who say they're vegetarians but eat chicken?

Jenny: Taylor's phone was just activated, we're tracking it now.

Tony: Welcome to the club. I wouldn't say it's a fun one.

Gibbs: You sound tired, DiNozzo.

Tony: We're following Ziva, even the dogs are tired.

[edit] Corporal Punishment [5.10]

Tony: [after hitting the comic book McGee's reading] Does that make you wanna hit me?

McGee: It's really tempting. But I think I'm gonna pass. [Ziva walks in] Maybe Ziva'll do it.

Ziva: Maybe Ziva will do what?

Tony: I've been working on my six-pack. You know? Abs.

Ziva: You and Abby have been drinking?

Tony: No, abdominals. No more beer gut for me. I've been training hardcore. Hitting the core hard. Carved. Hard as wood.

McGee: To match your head.

McGee: [after Tony asks Ziva to hit him in the abdomen] As hard as she can?

Tony: As hard as you can.

McGee: You know that's how Houdini died?

Tony: Ziva, did you kill Houdini?

Ziva: It is possible, I do not remember all their names.

Tony: [As Tommy Lee Jones] All right, listen up, people. Our fugitive has been on the run for ninety minutes.

Ziva: It has been three hours, Tony.

Tony: Average foot speed over uneven ground, barring injuries, is 4 miles per hour.

Ziva: He's not on foot, he's in a car!

Tony: What I need out of each and every one of you is a hard-target search of every gas station, residence, warehouse, farmhouse, henhouse, outhouse and doghouse in the area. Our fugitive has a name. And it is...

Gibbs: Corporal Damon Werth.

McGee: Hey, the Tommy Lee Jones speech... every time we have a fugitive? Really?

Tony: What were you having feelings about? You just said you were having feelings.

Ziva: I said that I have feelings, not that I am having feelings.

McGee: That is a pretty sophisticated grammatical differentiation.

Tony: Don't change the subject with your big words, McNerd. Ziva says she had a feeling. Tell us about this feeling. What was this feeling?

Ziva: I felt... overwhelmed. Temporarily. Which does not often happen to me. When we were wrestling with Werth.

[Tony and McGee look at each other]

Ziva: What? What is this look?

Tony: Nothing. [Ziva goes back to working, Tony and McGee smile] You like him.

Ziva: He was powerful.

McGee: You really like him

Ziva: No I am saying he is stronger than any man I have encountered. But strength should not decide a battle. There is a weapon for every fight.

McGee: You itchin' for a rematch?

Tony: Wanna roll around on the ground with him some more?

Ziva: I am trying to describe something -- complicated.

Tony: It's not complicated, Ziva. It's Conan.

McGee: To her Red Sonja.

Tony: Nice.

Ziva: It only lasted a moment.

Tony: You had a moment. A moment and a feeling. And a smack to the head, broken nose, dislocated shoulder. It's been a banner day.

Gibbs: Easy on the painkillers, DiNozzo.

Gibbs: Courage doesn't have anything to do with medals. It's simple. You run to the gunfire, not away from it.

[edit] Tribes [5.11]

Tony: I'm sorry, but the correct answer is Full Metal Jacket.

Ziva: That is not the best Marine movie. A Few Good Men is.

Tony: Based on the fact that I am right, I'm overruling you.

[McGee and Ziva are debating who should be the one to plant a bug in a mosque]

McGee: I’ll flip you for it.

Ziva: If I flip you, you will get hurt.

Tony: [whispers] You can take her, McGee.

Tony: [watching Langer leave] What an ass.

Ziva: [looking down admiringly] Yes, indeed.

Tony: You’re Langer-leering. You’re leering at Langer.

Ziva: Why not? He’s cute.

Tony: He -- he’s not cute, he’s --

Ziva: [puts her finger over Tony’s mouth] Shh. Don’t speak.

Tony: [impressed] Bullets Over Broadway. Woody Allen.

Ziva: Very good, Tony. You get a B in my class.

Tony: I could teach your class.

Ziva: I spent my summers in Haifa.

Khalid Mohammed Bakr: [Picks up the tea she has offered him] You make it Arab-style, huh? Strong.

Ziva: I like it strong.

Khalid: You like Muslims.

Ziva: Yes.

Khalid: May I ask why? I don’t mean to offend, I’m simply curious.

Ziva: Growing up in Israel I had a friend who was Muslim. We were very close.

Khalid: Are you still close?

Ziva: He was killed. When I was twelve.

Khalid: There’s been too much death.

Ziva: I agree.

[Tony, digging through Ziva’s desk, has just discovered a "Movies for Dummies" book]

Tony: Ah-ha!

Ziva: [snatches it out of his hand] I have killed for less.

Tony: You cheated!

Ziva: I did not.

Tony: This is a book about movies. I bet you didn’t even see those movies. You just read this book.

Ziva: I like books.

Tony: I like movies.

Ziva: Do not quote books, I will not quote movies.

Tony: What if it’s a book that’s been turned into a movie?

[edit] Stakeout [5.12]

Tony: Any good tips? On the case?

Det. Sparr: You're here because I didn't return your call.

Tony: It would have been nice, yeah.

Det. Sparr: Well, when I'm in the middle of an investigation, I don't return social calls.

Tony: What makes you think it was social?

Det. Sparr: The way you stared at my ass the other day.

Tony: How do you know my interest in your ass wasn't purely professional?

Ziva: [talking about the man the hooker picked up] Personally I think she could have done better.

Tony: Come what?

Ziva: The Jack she is with is gross.

Tony: You mean John?

Ziva: You know him?

Tony: [shakes head] Oh my God.

Ziva: Tony still has not gotten me back for the binoculars.

McGee: I thought you two shook on it, no more practical jokes.

Ziva: Do you trust DiNozzo?

McGee: Point well taken.

McGee: Demonstration for Gibbs. You know how hard it is to explain technical stuff to him.

Abby: Yeah, good thinking. It's like every time I try to explain something science-y his eyes glaze over and he gives me that 'will you shut up and get to the point?' look. [nervous pause] He's behind me, isn't he?

McGee: No.

Nikki Jardine: Um, Ziva? I don't know if I should say anything or not, but I saw Tony putting something under your car --

Ziva: What? When?

Nikki Jardine: What, I don't know. When? This morning.

Ziva: Ha! I told you, I told you he could not be trusted! [rushes out]

McGee: Was Tony really messing with her car?

Nikki Jardine: No. Tony just told me to tell Ziva that when I saw her.

[edit] Dog Tags [5.13]

Abby: Who would shoot this cute little dog? Look at you... [realizing, she turns around and glares at McGee]

McGee: It was self-defense. It-it was self-defense!

Abby: You shot that cute little dog?!

McGee: He's not cute and little! He's, he's vicious and large!

[The dog whines piteously.]

Abby: How could you shoot an innocent animal, McGee?!

McGee: Abby, that dog is not innocent, he killed someone!

Abby: Dogs don't kill people! People kill people!

McGee: People with dogs that kill people kill people!

[Abby grabs McGee's jacket and cuddles the dog.]

McGee: You're wrapping the dog in my jacket?! My Hugo Boss jacket?! Abby, there's evidence on there...!

Abby: If you think that I can't distinguish the fibers on your stupid jacket from the evidence on the dog, you don't know me, McGee! And right now, I don't want to know you! [to the dog, kindly] Good dog. [to McGee, angrily] Bad McGee!

Abby: (To the dog) Who's a good Jethro?

Gibbs: (Enters Abby's lab, she doesn't see) I'm a good Jethro.

Abby: Don't be mad, be flattered. He's just so strong and handsome and silent, so I decided to call him Jethro.

Tony: Boss, we've already been through all of this! I mean, I got no leads, Ziva's flirted with every seaman on the base, and McGee's watched a hundred hours of Petty Officer Junction.

McGee: Hundred and fifty, actually.

[McGee and a dog handler come down to pick up Jethro, to find Abby has locked herself and Jethro in her office with loud music on, ignoring them. McGee is still trying to nudge the glass door open and get her attention as Jethro growls]

Abby: Pay no attention to them, Jethro.

McGee: (sighs) Abby, open the door. (no response) Jethro has to go now... Abby!

Abby: I can't hear you, McGee!

McGee: If you can't hear me, why did you answer?

[Abby frowns and gets up to turn the music up louder, then turns to face them.]

Abby: I am not opening the door until Jethro is proven innocent!

McGee: Abby, do not make a scene!

Abby: Too late, McGee! I am in full scene mode!

McGee: You can't stay in there forever.

Abby: [indicating a large container of Caf-Pow] I'm fully stocked on both Caf-Pow... [indicating a bag of dog food] ...and kibble. I'm good for at least a few days. (Jethro barks)

Abby: Jethro is fine. I'm taking up a collection for flowers.

McGee: Why would I give flowers to a dog who attacked me?

Abby: Maybe because dog is man's best friend. Or maybe because I am a forensic scientist and I can boil you from the inside out and never leave a trace.

[McGee quickly puts money in the container]

[edit] Internal Affairs [5.14]

Jenny: Long way from San Diego, Leon.

Vance: SecNav felt this warranted a plane ticket.

Jenny: Are you interrogating my agents? I assume you have a suspect. [Vance smirks.] And you've been brought in to oversee. Well, Assistant Director Vance, you gonna ask for them?

[She removes her gun and badge from her desk drawer.]

Vance: Under the authority of the Secretary of the Navy, as acting director of NCIS, I hearby relieve you of your duties. I'm sorry, Jenny, you're suspended.

Abby: [as they are waiting in Evidence Garage] Ooh! Tarot cards. Want to see what happens next?

Tony: I am dying with anticipation. [gets distracted]

Abby: Tony! We are about to summon the elusive elements of the cosmos. Concentrate.

Tony: I'm with you. Call the spirits. Tell them to bring a pizza.

Ziva: [as Jeanne Benoit passes] Be a man, Tony.

Tony: She accused me of murder.

Ziva: Who is the bad guy? Be a man. Go tell her what she needs to hear.

Tony: I'm sorry you got caught in the middle of all this.

Jeanne: Was any of it real?

Tony: (lying through his teeth) No.

[edit] In The Zone [5.15]

Ziva: [walks in, smiling and carries a coffee to McGee's desk] For the one you got me last week.

McGee: Aw, thank you.

Ziva: [leans in to see what he's looking at on screen and gasps] That is quite a kiss, McGee!

McGee: [grins] Not bad for a wallpaper, huh?

Ziva: [chuckles] Well, you seem to be enjoying yourself. [muses] I have never seen a tongue quite so... long.

Tony: [walks in, looking at them curiously] McGee has a long tongue?

Ziva: No, but the cutie-pie he's kissing does.

Tony: McGee's kissing a girl?

McGee: You can't see it, Tony.

Tony: Why not?

Ziva: This is McGee's private photograph. And if he does not want you to see it here, then you have to respect his wishes. Or... [hits a key to bring it up on the squadroom plasma screen] ...see it elsewhere.

McGee: Hey!

[The picture turns out to be a very sweet one of McGee kneeling next to the dog Jethro, who is licking his face.]

Tony: [laughs] Oh, McRomeo... you should save that stuff for the bedroom.

McGee: You're just jealous.

Tony: Jealous? I don't think so. What you're doing there could be illegal in some states.

[Gibbs sees the photo of McGee "kissing" his dog.]

Gibbs: At least you don't have to pay alimony, McGee.

[edit] Recoil [5.16]

Ziva: [at the copy machine] Die, you stupid machine!

McGee: She seems unfazed.

Tony: Those are standard Mossad-style copy machine assault tactics, McGee. She's fine.

Ziva: I'm not working. Just... drinking. Heidi! Uno mas, s'il vous plait.

Michael Locke: You're mixing your languages.

Ziva: And my liquors.

Locke: What's it like to shoot someone?

Ziva: It is what it is. It is what you have to do.

Tony: What are you doing?

Ziva: I'm checking into Locke's missing girlfriend. You?

Tony: Same.

Ziva: What? Why?

[...]

Tony: Checking her medical records.

Ziva: Why? Do you think she's been lying in some hospital unable to communicate?

Tony: No, I think she's been lying in a shallow grave unable to communicate.

Ziva: Medical records are privileged information. You need a subpoena.

Tony: Not if you have an IOU from a county clerk with a very expressive poker face.

Ziva: Look. If you're going to give me a lecture on my bad judgment, I don't need to hear it.

Gibbs: Is that what this is about? You doubting your judgment?

Ziva: I should've moved earlier.

Gibbs: You would've if you could've.

Ziva: I left it too late.

Gibbs: You still took him out.

Ziva: I almost died.

Gibbs: But you didn't. You've got to trust your judgment, Ziva. Moment you don't, it won't be "almost."

[edit] About Face [5.17]

[McGee and Ziva are playing Scrabble]

Tony: Hey, what's going on here? Did I get off on the wrong floor, I thought this was an office.

McGee: Officer David and I are engaged in a linguistic developmental exercise intended to bolster her English vocabulary.

Tony: [chuckles] That's good. Do you think Gibbs will buy it?

Ziva: It is not my vocabulary that needs bolsterment, McGee.

McGee: Not a word. Hence the scoreboard.

Tony: [chuckles] Yeah, 50-point cushion for the professor. And there's only one tile left to play.

McGee: [smiles] Gonna be kind of tough to play that 'q' without a 'u'.

Ziva: You peeked!

McGee: Did not. Process of elimination, I counted the tiles on the board.

Tony: You suck the fun out of everything, McCheat. [Ziva suddenly looks in thought] Give it up, Ziva.

[Ziva takes her Q tile and plays it in front of an I.]

McGee: [frowns and stares at the board] "Kwee"? I don't think so.

Ziva: [smiles] Chi. As in life energy that flows through all things.

Tony: You should have seen that one coming, Probie Wan Kenobi.

McGee: No....

Ziva: [laughs] Sixty-two points!!!

Tony: Jedi wins.

McGee: I'm challenging!

Gibbs: [walking in] You all are! Grab your gear. Playtime's over.

[McGee panics, opening Ziva's drawer and dumping the tiles and board in, haphazardly sweeping the ones on desk to the floor as she gives him an odd look and the team gets ready to go.]

McGee: Uhh... that was a, uh, language exercise we weren't actually playing.

Tony: So he didn't actually lose.

McGee: Correct!

Gibbs: So he wasn't actually humiliated.

[Ziva and Tony look at each other and chuckle on their way out.]

McGee: [hurries after them, muttering] "Kwee"....

[Ziva is confusing Tony as they talk at the crime scene.]

Tony: We've gotta figure out what he was doing here.

Ziva: And with whom he was doing it.

Tony: Doing what with?

Ziva: Whatever it was he was doing when he was undone.

Tony: [confused look] Done... what?

Ziva: Done!

Ducky: In, my dear fellow. Done in. Don't you understand the Queen's English?

Tony: Not this queen.

Ducky: Jimmy, I have no doubt that you have it in you to die a hero's death. But until then, I would greatly appreciate your assistance here.

Palmer: How do you do it?

Gibbs: Hmm?

Palmer: Block out fear.

Gibbs: You don't. It's what you do with it.

[Palmer follows the team in his car.]

Gibbs: What are you doing here?!

Palmer: I thought I could help...

Gibbs: What part of "stay" don't you understand?! Stay! Palmer, you stay in the car!

[Palmer stops the suspect fleeing by crashing his car.]

Gibbs: What the hell were you thinking?!

Palmer: I did not get out of the car.

[edit] Judgment Day [5.18,19]

Ziva: We could have made it.

Tony: The needle is below E, E stands for empty, we have less than empty, and we don't even know where it is!

Ziva: We could have made it.

Ziva and Tony: [at same time] What!

Tony: slightly annoyed, gets out of the car and starts pumping gas Why don't you make yourself useful?

Ziva: What?

Tony: I said, why don't you make yourself useful?

Ziva: What do you want me to do? Hold your nozzle?

Tony: Get us a map [Ziva makes a face, gets out of the car and starts walking to the store] ...And some white powder doughnuts and the blue ice gatorade. [she pauses, smacks her ass and keeps walking without turning around.]

Ziva: If you value that hand, I suggest you back away, slowly.

Ziva: [to Tony] First movie quote I hear, I am driving.

Tony: She doesn't want us involved. If there's one thing I learned about the Director's private wars, it's that it's best to stay away -- for her and for us! She's a big girl, she can take care of herself. Besides, it's probably a coincidence anyway, and she's behind one of those expensive windows munching on over-priced cashews courtesy of Mr. Out-of-Town.

Franks: Might be hard to believe, but I was in love once. Her name was Maggie. She had it all, quick as a fox, great curves, trusted her with my life.

Shepard: What happened?

Franks: Traded for a Harley-Davidson when the transmission blew.

Tony: She died alone.

Ziva: We are all alone.

Tony: Yeah, thanks for that.

Tony: Paris. That's when it must have happened.

Ziva: The two of them alone in another world.

Tony: Putting their lives in each other's hands every day.

Ziva: Not to mention the long nights.

Tony: It was inevitable.

Ziva: Nothing is inevitable.

Vance: Did you know Mike Franks was involved in this?

Tony/Ziva: No./Yes.

Vance: Want to take a moment to get your stories straight?

Tony/Ziva: Yes./No.

Vance: Whose side are you on?

Tony/Ziva: [together] Gibbs.

Vance: Well, you finally got your story straight.

[edit] Season 6

[edit] Last Man Standing [6.01]

Ducky: Mr. Palmer, tell Gibbs he can send in the B-team.

Gibbs: Implies there's an A-team, Duck.

Ducky: Isn't there?

Gibbs: Anything else?

Abby: A number.

Gibbs: One, two, six?

Abby: One hundred and twenty six. That is the number of days that Tony, McGee and Ziva have been gone. I really didn't think you'd let it get into triple digits, Gibbs! But now it's way more! It's like a third of a whole year! I miss them!

Gibbs: Abby, you had lunch with McGee yesterday.

Abby: It's not the same. I miss them collectively, as a group. My three musketeers.

Tony: [talking on the webcam to McGee, he puts on a pirate-ish Irish accent] Ah, life in the ocean blue, me hearties. If the scurvy don't get you, the pox will. And tell me this, me little McShipmate, how is that scurrilous, blackhearted, pirate king of ours, Captain One-Shot Gibbs?

Gibbs: [walking on-sceen, but Tony can see him.] I'm just fine, DiNozzo.

Tony: [startled] Oh! Um... ah. [headslaps himself] There you go, boss. Welcome aboard.

Gibbs: Got work to do.

Tony: I'm on it, boss. What am I on, McGee?

McGee: Are you alone?

Tony: Oh, yeah! Just me and 5000 of my closest friends. I AM NEVER ALONE! [looks over shoulder, then whispers] I really need to come home, boss.

Gibbs: Working on it.

Tony: Is this hacking, McGee? Are we hacking?

McGee: We are not hacking, Tony.

Tony: But it is illegal, right? Don't answer that. I know it's illegal. I'm having fun.

Eli David: You know, Leon, sometimes, those who know me ask me directly -- the brave among them -- but most of the time the others, I can feel them looking at me and silently wondering, how can a father possibly raise his daughter to be a professional killer?

Vance: A question that I've never asked you because I know the answer.

Eli David: Every day is a fight to survive. It is my dream that my daughter will not have to make that decision with her sons and her daughters; I would like my grandchildren to be doctors and architects, to live a happy life, to grow fat and old. [pause] You want her back, don't you.

Vance: Yes, Eli, I want her back.

Eli David: Tell me, Leon, are we winning?

Vance: I don't know, Eli.

Eli David: I like to think we are... and then there's something else: a bombing, a kidnapping, an atrocity. Use her well, Leon. Ziva is the sharp end of the spear.

Vance: Thank you, Eli.

[edit] Agent Afloat [6.02]

Ziva: Looks like we found the murder weapon. Toy guitar?

McGee: That is not a toy guitar. That is a guitar controller. Used to play Lords of Rock, video game. That particular model is called an axe.

Ziva: So our killer is an axe murderer.

Abby: Well, Ducky was right. It's snot.

McGee: It's not what?

Abby: It's snot.

McGee: It's not?

Abby: Yeah, it is.

McGee: It's what?

Abby: Snot. The substance found in Lindsey Evans hair. It's snot.

McGee: Well, why didn't you just say that?

Tony: What?

Ziva: You seem, um... different.

Tony: Taller? Hotter?

Ziva: Older.

Tony: Well, it's been over four months.

Ziva: You still beating yourself up over Jenny?

Tony: Not as much as I used to.

Ziva: Drinking?

Tony: Not as much as I used to.

[Ziva touches his shoulder]

Ziva: You could have called.

Ziva: So this is where you have been for the past few months

Tony: Yes, just like the squad room, only I am the squad and there is no room.

Ziva: McGee was specifically told to destroy those photos.

Tony: Guess he forgot.

Ziva: Then perhaps I should remind him.

Tony: Go easy on the lad, he's had a rough summer.

Ziva: Well, we all have.

Tony: I think it was especially difficult for McGeek. Doesn't handle change well, never has.

Ziva: He seems fine.

Tony: [scoffs] Please, cooped up in that techno-basement for four months? You know how much he loves pounding the pavement, working leads, interrogating.

Ziva: [laughs] McGee?

Tony: Yeah, not to mention Gibbs, Duckster, you and me, Abs... I mean, everyone knows how close those two are.

Ziva: McGee was in the sub-basement, Tony. They had lunch every week.

Tony: It's not the same. You get used to seeing someone every day, talking to them, relying on them, and suddenly they're not there...

Ziva: It's all part of the job.

Tony: Doesn't make it any easier... for McGee.

Tony: Kaplan is the only one who can identify Evans's killer.

Ziva: And he overdoses.

Tony: Hell of a coinky-dink.

Ziva: What's a kwinkadink?

Tony: Coincidence.

Ziva: You believe this is a dwinkakwink?

Tony: Sarcasm, Ziva; you're back in America, flip the switch.

[edit] Capitol Offence [6.03]

Tony: What's going on here?

McGee: Don't know. Don't care. None of my business DiNosey.

Ziva: You are such a control geek.

Tony: Freak.

Ziva: Yes, that too.

Tony: So you stayed at Ab's last night, huh? You guys sleep in the same room?

Ziva: It is a one-bedroom apartment.

Tony: One bedroom, one bed? One coffin?

Ziva: You want the truth?

Tony: Yeah, [as Jack Nicholson] I think I can handle the truth.

Ziva: My building was being fumigated and Abby was kind enough to let me stay over... on the couch... in my pajamas.

Tony: Come on, work with me! Couldn't you lie just a little bit?

Tony: So what's up with El Jefe? Yesterday he leaves the crime scene with no explanation. Today he knew the Admiral had a problem with the victim. Where'd he get that?

McGee: Maybe he's bluffing.

Tony: Uh-uh. It was on the nose.

Ziva: Whose nose?

Tony: On the money. Bullseye. Right as rain. You were doing better before you went back to Israel. You've reverted.

Gibbs: Abby, what are you doing?

Abby: A boundary has been crossed. I've been violated. Nothing is sacred anymore.

Gibbs: Yeah? Tell me.

Abby: Someone stole my cupcake.

McGee: Hey. You looking for me, Tony?

Abby: No, I am. Do you think I'm an idiot?

McGee: No.

Abby: What, you thought I wouldn't figure it out?

McGee: What is she talking about?

Ziva: The cupcake.

Abby: You stole it from my refrigerator. I have forensic evidence. Your big fat finger print.

McGee: Oh, come on, you think I'm that stupid? Look, if I was going to steal your precious cupcake I would not leave a fingerprint on your refrigerator.

Abby: You didn't. You used latex gloves. Brand new box, McGee. Only prints, mine and yours.

McGee: You said you were going gluten-free.

Abby: Where is it, McGee?

McGee: I was saving you from yourself, Abby.

Abby: Where did you save it, McGee?

McGee: Okay, I ate it. It was late, I hadn't eaten since lunch, the machine in the break room was empty and it looked so good.

Tony: [hugs McGee] What were you thinking, McGee? She's a world-class forensic scientist. [dope-slaps him]

Ziva: I bought the cupcake for Abby. [dope-slaps him]

Abby: So, how was it?

McGee: It was life-changing.

[edit] Heartland [6.04]

Ziva: I'll call Tony.

McGee: I'll call Abby. [they both run]

Ziva & McGee: [via webcam] Gibbs has a father!

Tony & Abby: Tell me everything!

Ziva: Do you feel that?

McGee: [digging through trash] What? Week-old bananas?

Ziva: No. We are being watched.

McGee: How do you do that?

[Flashback to 1976 when Gibbs meets his wife, Shannon, for the first time]

Gibbs: Are you waiting for the train, too? [she nods] We could sit together.

Shannon: I don't know. It's a long ride, but I guess you're not a lumberjack.

Gibbs: No.

Shannon: I have a rule. It's either rule number one or number three: never date a lumberjack.

Gibbs: You got a rule for everything?

Shannon: I'm working on it. Everyone needs a code they can live by. What's your name?

Gibbs: Leroy Jethro Gibbs.

Shannon: I'm just gonna call you Gibbs.

Gibbs: You can call me anything you want.

Shannon: I'm Shannon.

[edit] Nine Lives [6.05]

Gibbs: You enjoying yourself, Abs?

Abby: Yes!!! [looking at Gibbs] But you're not. Sorry.

Gibbs: Thanks, Abs. You can go back to your mold now.

Abby: Aw, Gibbs. You say the sweetest things.

Abby: What do you see?

McGee: Um, french vanilla ice cream with chocolate sprinkles.

Abby: Interesting. [flipping to another picture] What now?

McGee: Um.

Abby: You can say it. We're grown-ups, McGee. Say it.

McGee: Sex.

Abby: Mold sex, actually. Practically mold porn.

McGee: Why are you showing me mold porn?

Ziva: I'm intrigued by how intrigued you are by this, Tony.

Tony: And I am curious that you are curious that I am intrigued.

Tony: Nesiah tova. [Hebrew, "have a safe trip"]

Ziva: See you next week.

[edit] Murder 2.0 [6.06]

Tony: [as Norman Bates] My mother isn’t quite herself today... [to Ziva, explaining] Psycho.

Ziva: You certainly have your moments!

Tony: A movie, Ziva.

[...]

Tony: [as Norman Bates] Blood, blood!

Ziva: [to Gibbs] Psycho.

Gibbs: He has his moments.

Tony: Hey, you haven’t forgotten about the screen saver, have you, Ziva?

Ziva: Actually, I had, thanks for reminding!

Tony: What are friends for?!

Tony: [Referring to the serial killer] Someone wasn't hugged enough as a child.

Tony: Nice girl, wasn't my type though.

Ziva: Really? She was breathing.

Tony: Oh, I have standards, Ziva, otherwise I’d be dating you.

McGee: My CPU is too small.

Tony: I'm gonna let that slide.

[edit] Collateral Damage [6.07]

Agent Wilson: How's Gibbs to work for?

Tony: What have you heard? That bad guys would rather confess than be interrogated by him? That his steely gaze can cool a room by five degrees? That he can only be killed by a silver bullet, like a werewolf? They're all true, except for the silver bullet part. It might give him indigestion or heartburn, but I don't think it'd kill him.

Ducky: Dwayne Wilson...

Gibbs: He’s a baby agent.

Ducky: And I’m looking at his personnel report because...?

Gibbs: That’s your thing!

Ducky: My thing? [pause] Ah, I take it that Agent Wilson is alive.

Gibbs: Oh yeah.

Ducky: So you don’t want me to do an autopsy, which leaves my other thing. Psychological profile?

McGee: No, you went back too far.

Ziva: I got it.

McGee: No, you went back too far.

Ziva: That’s why I’m going fast forward now.

McGee: Hey, just... let me do is. Let me do it! Please? Okay? You handle this like you handle your car!

Ziva: And if you want to handle anything ever again remove your hand from my mouse!

Tony: It's like when you bring a date home you want them to like you. You don't introduce them to your weird uncle Jethro till like the fifth date!

Gibbs: Since when are you an expert on fifth dates. DiNozzo?

Tony: You are very right, boss.

Ziva: I do not understand. If you want someone dead, you knock on their door. They answer, you shoot them. Easy.

[Gibbs smiles]

McGee: [shocked] For some.

Tony: I had a bad feeling about that guy. His teeth sparkled.

Ziva: Meaning?

Tony: Meaning no one has teeth that white unless they have something to hide.

[edit] Cloak [6.08]

Ziva: What is this place?

Soldier: It's classified.

Tony: Classified? What have you got in there? Aliens? Bigfoot? Ark of the Covenant? That only leaves one thing.

Ziva and McGee: [in unison] Unicorn!

Ziva: [hiding with Tony in a closet] Stop breathing! [Tony stops breathing as guard walks past]

Abby: Stop interogating me, McGee!

McGee: Stop acting weird!

Abby: I am weird!

Tony: Didn't we get our fill of secret agendas and lying and manipulation during the previous administration?

Ziva: Look, I, too, had hoped things would be different by now.

Tony: I'd like to go up and give Vance a piece of my mind.

Ziva: The way you're losing it, I don't think you have enough to spare!

Tony: I'd take that toothpick of his and shove it up the SecNav's cigar.

Ziva: You have had enough of this job, then.

Tony: I like the job. I don't like the politics. Wasn't kidding about that part earlier.

Ziva: If you had ever had some military training, then maybe you would have learned to follow orders.

Tony: What, like you? We were given a direct order not to engage. I recall that you were the first one to throw a punch.

Ziva: It was a reflex!

Tony: Hmm. Really? Then what happened after? The last thing I remember before the lights went out was you Kimbo Slicing through a room full of guards. Was that a reflex?

Ziva: Yes! It was! Gunshot went off. I saw you -- [long pause]

Tony: I'm tired of pretending.

Ziva: So am I.

McGee: Wonder what they are doing up there.

Tony: Does the Navy still hang people?

Abby: Tony!

McGee: Well, it is treason, Abby.

Abby: McGeeeehee!

Tony: What else can they do? There’s no way she walks out of here.

Ziva: No way.

Lee: Good night everyone! [Walks out]

[edit] Dagger [6.09]

McGee: [getting navigation set up for Tony and Ziva to go after a lead] There is a built in compass so you don't get lost.

Tony: Don't worry, McScout. We've got our Mossad hunting dog. Bark once for yes.

Ziva: [growls]

[McGee is on the phone with Tony, concerned he's lost their signal]

Tony: Define 'lost', McGee. I know exactly where we are. We're between a tree and a bush, directly underneath the earth's sun.

McGee: Well you're not showing up on the map, let me restart the scan.

Tony: You might wanna hurry. Ziva's turning in circles; either the trail's gone cold, or she's about to mark her territory.

Tony: I smell a non-fat soy double-cross latte.

Tony: McGPS, are we close to anything?

Tony: How can you work with someone for three years and not know they have a kid?

Ziva: Just because you work with somebody everyday does not mean that you know *everything* about them.

Tony: Really? So I shouldn't know about that tattoo on the inside of your...

Ziva: I MEANT, I understand someone wanting to keep their personal and professional lives seperate, as should you. It did not end very well, when you fell in love when you were undercover, did it?

Tony: ...Thanks for the memory.

Ziva: [putting an ear wig on Lee] You've pled your case with everyone else, why not me?

Lee: I'm done trying to explain. No one understands.

Ziva: I do.

Lee: ...You would do what I did?

Ziva: [Reffering to her ear piece] That too tight?

Lee: It's fine. Thank you... I'm never going to see my daughter again, am I?

Ziva: Probabaly not.

Ziva: Red apples. That's good Amanda.

Tony: Breakfast is served, my lady a chocolate chip cookie [Amanda saying Thank you] and some hot cocoa.

Ziva: Your aunt will be here soon to pick you up.

Amanda: Thank you for helping me with my drawing, Ziva.

Gibbs: You are one brave little girl Amanda.

Amanda: Where's Mi - Shi? [walking over to window] What happened to your hand?

Gibbs: [Gibbs hands Agent Lee's badge to Amanda] Mi-Shi would want you to have that.

[edit] Road Kill [6.10]

[Tony has taken his picture on his computer]

McGee: I'm not even going to ask.

Ziva: Allow me. [To Tony] What are you doing, Tony?

Tony: Best deep in thought face.

Ziva: I guess there's a first time for everything.

Tony: [As the computer displays his picture] Nailed it. All right, Strawdog24. Beat this one. [Puts it on the webpage] Yeah, baby.

McGee: [Reading the website name] Ibeatyou.com. The place to compete online with anyone at anything.

Tony: Yeah. It's very fun. Very addictive. Look at this guy. Best air guitar. Look at that guy. Best "do the Hustle." [McGee walks back to his desk] I mean, you name it, they got it.

Ziva: The Hustle?

Tony: The Hustle. Saturday Night Fever? Travolta. [Mimics dancing in his chair]

Ziva: [Laughs sarcastically] What is the point?

Tony: What is the point of any dance? It's about letting loose. It's, you know, having a good time.

Ziva: I meant the web site, Tony.

Tony: It's... fun. It is... amusement. Light-hearted pleasure.

Ziva: I know what you're doing. I know how to have fun, Tony.

Tony: Really? Do tell.

Ziva: The Hustling and the deep thinking photos. Those are all just, you know. Child's play. Tell him, McGee. [Tony looks over in McGee's direction, as does Ziva. Both look at him oddly] McGee?

[Cut to McGee making a contorted face]

McGee: [on the same web site] Uh, I'm just working on my best psycho face here.

Tony: It's not bad, Probie. Just need to work a little bit more with the eyebrow. See what I'm saying? [Holds his hand in front of McGee as he continues making the contorted look] See how that reads? See that?

McGee: [With contorted face] Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Tony: That's what you want.

Gibbs: Would you two like some time alone together?

Man on Ship: You the Navy Cops?

Tony: Yeah, my seahorse is double-parked outside. You ought to see the lights.

Ziva: I remember my first fight. I was eight. Shemer Rubenstein.

Tony: Sounds like a real stud.

Ziva: One punch and it was over.

Tony: What did Shemer Rubenstein do to deserve the wrath of Ziva?

Ziva: He said he liked me.

Tony: Look, everybody enjoys a good book, but don't you ever have the urge to just act a little...

Ziva: Childish?

Tony: Silly. Stupid. Brainless.

Ziva: Like you?

Tony: Exactly.

Ziva: Tony, you and I come from two totally different places. In my world, you grow up. Fast. You have no choice.

Tony: Now you do.

[edit] Silent Night [6.11]

Ducky: Something wrong, Jethro?

Gibbs: Fingerprints found at a double homicide yesterday belong to a Petty Officer who's supposed to have been dead seventeen years. [hands Ducky a file] His death certificate.

Ducky: Oh, dear. [chuckles] Someone's in trouble. [looks at the certificate] I signed it?!

Abby: I don't know what to get anybody. What do you think Tony needs?

Gibbs: An attitude adjustment.

Abby: Gibbs, you're not helping.

Abby: I like everything about Christmas. Except for that Chipmunk song. And shopping... I never know what to get anyone. Especially Gibbs! What do you get for the guy who has nothing and wants... nothing.

Ducky: Some squeaky shoes.

Abby: [startles, looking behind her] Hi, Gibbs!

[edit] Caged [6.12]

McGee: (on the phone with his mechanic) ...So, how much?

Tony: One octave or two?

Ziva: Two.

McGee: [high-pitched] $600?!

Ziva: Her name is Hannah, and she's asked me out to lunch, twice.

Tony: You? [blinks and considers]

Ziva: Did your rocketship just take a nosedive?

Tony: No. It just landed on a different planet.

Ziva: There is no doubt in my mind you will get that confession, McGee.

McGee: [looks from her to Tony and smiles] Thank you, Ziva. [leaves]

Tony: He's toast, isn't he?

Ziva: Oh, yes. Burnt toast.

Abby: They haven't hurt McGee, have they?

Ziva: We have not heard anything.

Tony: [holds evidence box] Got something for ya from Trimble's apartment, Abby. We need to figure all this stuff out before sunset.

Abby: Define 'before sunset'!

Tony: Before the sun goes down.

Abby: [looks frustrated and sighs, grabbing the box and heads to table]

Abby: The sun sets at around 5:02. So, does that mean we have until five oh one?

Ziva: Before sunset.

Abby: That could be now. Not good enough! I can't take this. Every time you guys go out, and I never know if you're gonna make it back, [Tony and Ziva exchange a look as she mutters] and it's killing me. I can't sleep at night and I'm developing this sort of weird twitch.

Ziva: Our work is sometimes dangerous, Abby.

Abby: Then get a safer job.

Tony: Then you wouldn't see us at all.

Abby: [frowns] True. Still...sucks!

Ziva: I checked Trimble's phone records, Gibbs. One person called him over 150 times last month. It was another prison guard by the name of Brenda Carter.

Tony: Five calls a day. I give her an eight on the DiNozzo psycho chick meter. Ten being Glenn Close from Fatal Attraction. Look at those eyes; crazy eyes!

McGee: [on the phone with his mechanic] You told me my car would be ready by the end of today...

Tony: One octave or two?

McGee: Listen up, because this is what you're gonna do. You're gonna take the first estimate and you're gonna reduce it by 10 percent. Then you're going to find my part, install my part and have my car parked upfront and ready for me when I walk out of this building in 32 minutes.

Tony: Wow. Who'd guess McGee would grow a pair in a women's prison?

McGee: I put away killers for a living, that's what I do. Now you do exactly as I told you and we won't have any problems, understood? Good, clock's ticking.

Abby: Wow, McGee, your time in the big house really changed you. I like it!

[edit] Broken Bird [6.13]

McGee: [seeing a large package on his desk] Oh, goody, they're here!

Tony: Goody? Who says goody?!

Ziva: What is it?

McGee: [opens box, pulling out an old computer] This is my Mac SE. Got it for my eleventh birthday. [lovingly] She's my first!

Tony: This is going to get really strange, isn't it?

Ziva: Going to?

Palmer: You're very calm.

Abby: I am. If I keep going to Crazytown every time one of you gets hurt, I'm going to have to have my mail forwarded.

Gibbs: The last thing she said was "You killed my brother". Any idea why she would've said that?

Ducky: Probably because I killed her brother.

[edit] Love & War [6.14]

[Tony and Ziva yelling into their desk telephones]

Tony: I already rebooted the system, Frank! Twice!

Ziva: Four hours! Four hours! That is how long I waited for your cable repairman! Four hours!

Tony: You already said that! No! I will not reboot again! I will never reboot it again!

Ziva: Reschedule?! So you can waste another Saturday?!

Tony: Just tell me you have no idea how to fix the problem, then we can both get on with our lives!

[Tony and Ziva slam their phones down in disgust]

Ziva: Someone will die today.

Tony: I think you have me confused with someone who is far less awesome.

Ziva: You have to tell him the truth.

Tony: Maybe. Not until I'm absolutely sure lying won't work.

McGee: We're trying to make a connection between Jennings and his killer.

Ziva: Brandon Sykes. But we hit a dead end.

Tony: No pun intended?

Ziva: Actually, it was.

Tony: Well, in that case, nicely done.

Tony: It's like I said, it's always the maid.

Ziva: No. You have said it is always the janitor, or the butler, or anyone assigned to work in Abby's lab, but you have never once said maid.

Tony: Anyone ever tell you that your memory can be a real buzz kill?

[...]

Tony: Who do you think she's working for? Chinese? Russians?

Ziva: Cubans. After all, she is Cuban.

Tony: That's way too obvious. Haven't I taught you anything?

[edit] Deliverance [6.15]

Tony: Melinda. [looks into his little black book, then prevents Ziva from taking it]

Ziva: How many Melinda's do you have in that thing?

Tony: It could be the girl I talk to at the gym.

Ziva: You don't go to the gym.

Tony: Well maybe it was the girl I talked to at the dog park.

McGee: You don't have a dog.

Tony: Oh, it could have been that girl I met at the concession stand while my date was in the bathroom.

Ziva: You need a secretary.

McGee: Or a therapist.

Gibbs: Or both.

Ziva: Beretta's, 9mm?

Staff Sgt. Medina: Feel free.

Ziva: Do you mind?

Medina: Not at all, ma'am. Do your best.

Tony: [sighs] Oh, God.

Medina: Stand by at station two for live fire.

Ziva: [fires once and clears the round] I prefer the Sig.

Medina: A lot of women have trouble with the Beretta. Think it has too much of a kick.

Ziva: Your sight is a few millimeters off.

Medina: Really?

Tony: [shows Medina the target with a bullet hole in the head] Really.

Tony: Popeye Carmano? NCIS. Are we all listening to the same song? Let me guess. Ricky Martin fans, Livin' La Vida Loca.

Carmano: You gotta leave, man.

Tony: But we just got here!

Carmano: Yeah, but it's a very dangerous neighborhood.

Tony: That's why I brought her.

Carmano: La bonita es un Federale.

Rico: Federales es un buena.

Tony: La bonita will kick your ass.

Ziva: Sit down

Carmano: I ain't sittin' down.

Ziva: Sientate! Or do you want la bonita to sit your ass down?

[edit] Bounce [6.16]

McGee: Who would want to impersonate Tony?

Ziva: Perhaps Jack Nicholson? You know, impersonation revenge?

Tony: Hey, talk to me, Abs! Here you go. [Hands her a Caf-Pow!]

Abby: Thank you, Gibbs.

Tony: Abby?

Abby: I was just examining the evidence from the murder scene, Gibbs.

Tony: Abby?

Abby: The room was, luckily, really clean, because, you know, hotel rooms, they can be a forensic scientists' biggest nightmare, Gibbs.

Tony: Abby! I'm not Gibbs!

Abby: Yes, you are, because if you're not, there's a problem. And after Sister Rosita spraining her ankle after the sixth frame, and Mr. Giggles escaping --

Tony: Mr. Giggles?!

Abby: Stay on topic, Gibbs.

Tony: Not Gibbs!

Abby: Okay. Tell me. I can take it.

Tony: Well, he's just upstairs --

Abby: Wait! I can't.

Tony: Rule 38. [Indicating that if it's your case, you're the boss]

Abby: Oh! [smiles brightly]

McGee: So Tony is in charge again.

Ziva: Yes.

McGee: How do you feel about it?

Ziva: Tony is a competent, capable investigator and a good leader. You do not agree?

McGee: Yeah, I agree, it's just that he's kind of irritating when he's not the boss. When he is, he walks around with that peacock strut and that smirk. It's like -- he's behind me, isn't he?

Tony: Smirking.

Gibbs: He got scared. He found out his partner was going to meet with the agent from the original case. It wasn't DiNozzo but the killer didn't know that. If I'm him I'm wondering why my buddy is meeting with a federal agent. Hmmm. Maybe he's going to flip on me. He can't if he's dead. There's our motive we just need our killer.

Tony: May of just found him. Abby just matched a print from Renny's hotel room to one of his former coworkers. A Commander Carl Davis. Gear Up. (Ziva and McGee stare at Gibbs blankly)

Gibbs: What?

McGee: We've just never heard you say that much at one time.

Ziva: Or in a week.

Gibbs: Wasn't my job before. Come on.

[edit] South by Southwest [6.17]

Tony: A law firm in London wants me to call them. Says it's important.

Ziva: What could they want?

Tony: I don't know. Maybe it's about my Uncle Clive. You remember that funeral I went to last month?

Ziva: Your uncle really died? I thought you were making that up to get some time off.

Sheriff Boyd: You know, you might want to let go of that horn, junior. Riding a horse is like making love, you got to relax and enjoy it.

Tony: Sheriff, I have a strong feeling that you and I enjoy both of those activities in really different ways. No disrespect.

Tony: [after riding a horse all day] Ohhh, can you get nerve damage in your buttocks?

Gibbs: You're gonna feel worse in the morning.

Gibbs: Any word on Dina Risi?

Sheriff Boyd: No. We tried all our sources. No one seems to know where she went.

Gibbs: You know her?

Sheriff Boyd: Well, I met her. She was chained to a tree, I was the one with the bolt cutters and handcuffs.

Ziva: You're counting your eggs before they're laid.

Tony: Operative word is 'laid'.

[Tony has trouble controlling his horse; it's turning in circles]

Tony: Uh oh, sheriff, I think he lost a contact.

[edit] Knockout [6.18]

[Tony and Tara inside the elevator]

Tony: For some reason you can see right through my disguise.

Tara: How bad's the dry spell?

Tony: Saharan.

Tara: Never been a problem before?

Tony: You kidding me? Not since Lisa Mullen taught me to play doctor in the second grade.

Tara: What's changed?

Tony: Real doctor, real love, real bad breakup.

Tara: Messed you up pretty bad, huh?

Tony: Kicked off a slump with women that's unprecedented in my adult life. I've tried everything. I mean, I'm dating constantly, but I can't seem to get it right. I'm not closing the deal, you know? Like there's a saboteur in my head. I'm making every rookie mistake. I'm talking about myself too much at dinner. I mean, I'm talking about my ex, I'm talking about my feelings, I...I scare 'em off.

Tara: Crying.

Tony: Ha! DiNozzo men don't cry.

Tony: Let's skip to the last step.

Tara: That's easy. Pick the right woman. [At that very moment Tara flips the switch to open the elevator doors and to reveal Ziva behind them]

Tara: Thank you, Anthony, you're very sweet- my patron saint.

Tony: Actually, Saint Nicholas is the patron saint of hook... [stops himself from saying hookers] Saint Anthony is who you turn to when you've lost something.

Tara: So, who does Anthony turn to when he's lost something?

Tony: How do you know I've lost something?

Tara: [laughing] I may not know my saints, but I definitely know my sinners.

Gibbs: Abs, what do you got?

Abby: I am not at liberty to discuss the details of Director Vance's case with you. And I would certainly hope that you wouldn't try to bribe me.

Gibbs: I wouldn't do that. [he sets a Caf-pow next to her]

Abby: Because I can't say a word about the five slugs that Ducky pulled out of Owens' body. Not that there's a word to say, 'cause I don't even know if these .45 cal S&Ws are a match to the weapon that was found in the deceased's pocket. Not that I would tell you if they are. I'm assuming that your curiosity is for educational purposes. After Ducky does the autopsy we should be able to calculate how long that accumulated post mortem gasses took to counteract the weight that kept Owens submerged.

Abby: Great, now I have to build a freaking coffin!

Vance: Whaddaya say David? Wanna go a few rounds?

Ziva: I think that would violate my primary assignment.

Vance: Only if you manage to lay a glove on me.

Issac: Excuse me, darling, but this gym ain't co-ed.

Ziva: Another time.

Vance: Just say when.

Tony: [standing up on desk, yelling] Excuse me. K listen up everybody, I need your full attention here. Lenny, Squiggy, Q-Tip, Q-Bert, Bungo Straight, Vertical Bill, can you hear me back there? [says to hot girl] Oh hi Natalie, hi. You look very nice today. [resumes yelling] I have lost my wallet. So, if you've seen it, please return it to me. There will be no judgment, maybe even a small reward.

[everyone looks annoyed as they turn back to work, Tony sees Gibbs standing next to the desk he is on]

Tony: Hi boss, I lost my... [jumps down from desk] You're going to say mind or marbles...

Gibbs: Job.

Ziva: You can't make an omelet without breaking some legs.

Tony: You're never making me breakfast!

Ziva: That is the truth!

Tony: It's supposed to be "eggs".

Ziva: Cook them yourself!

Tara: Teek? Is that you?

Vance: You have a decision to make Tara. Do we walk out of here, or do I carry you?

[edit] Hide and Seek [6.19]

Ziva: This reminds me of the forests I used to have fun in as a child.

Tony: I find that hard to believe.

Ziva: What, that Israel had forests?

Tony: No, that you had fun as a child.

Ziva: [laughs] Oh, sure. My father used to blindfold us, take us to the middle of the forest, and then we had to find our way out by ourselves.

Tony: I stand corrected.

Tony: McGee, do you have any idea what world of pain these kids will be in when their dads get home? You ever see The Great Santini?

McGee: Don't need to see it - I lived it.

Abby: Okay, the victim, Leonard Caswell, postal worker. He was shot at point blank range by Robert Perry. It's kind of funny; a non-postal worker going postal on a postal worker. Not funny like, ha-ha funny, but funny like comically absurdly amusing funny. Like irony, comedy is very subjective.

Gibbs: How was the pawn shop?

Ziva: I hit a stone wall.

Tony: It's a brick wall.

Ziva: No, it was a stone wall. I backed up too quickly.

Gibbs: Abs, music?

Abby: I know. I can barely stand it. I can't focus, it's effecting my cognitive function, I'm getting agitated. It's not for me. It's for them. [indicating maggots in a jar] I'm playing classical music for babies. It's supposed to increase their spatiotemporal reasoning and increase intelligence. [sighs] If I keep listening to this, I'm gonna turn into a psycho killer.

McGee: I can find an H-waffle double zigzag waffle, I can find a double zigzag H-waffle double zigzag, but not a zigzag double H-waffle zigzag.

Tony: I see a fish riding a unicorn.

[edit] Dead Reckoning [6.20]

Perry: Any word on my immunity?

Tony: Well, I hear zinc lozenges help, but you might want to try some vitamin C or echinacea. Oh, you mean your immunity? No.

Kort: Secret lovers could no longer live in a lie.

Ziva: [on the phone outside the safehouse] Tony, we have been compromised.

Tony: What are you talking about, Ziva? Is this a drill??

Perry: Did she get my medicine?!

Ziva: I'm going around the back.

Tony: Come here. Let's go. What are you doing?! Let's go! [sees Ziva walk in the door] Should we go?

Ziva: We are more vulnerable in transit. Take cover.

Perry: What is she going to do?

Tony: You know, I don't really know. Bathroom, now.

Ziva: [calls Gibbs on speakerphone and places phone on the table, then draws two pistols]

Gibbs: Yeah? Gibbs.

Ziva: We have a situation at the safehouse.

Gibbs: Well, yeah, Ziva. What is it?

Ziva: Just a second. [both men break in a door each, only to be shot dead]

Gibbs: Ziva? Ziva! Ziva, talk to me!

Ziva: Under control. [hangs up]

Gibbs: [smiles and hangs up]

Tony: [in a newscaster voice] In a tragic story of obsessive hobbying turned deadly, an NCIS agent was discovered in his basement, crushed between a large homemade boat, and an even larger bottle of bourbon!

McGee: Abby, no one was hurt. Tony and Ziva are fine.

Abby: They're not fine! Not as long as someone is leaking information! I mean, how else would Siravo have known about our meeting with Flores and that we had Perry? [McGee shrugs] See?? No one is safe until I find this leak.

McGee: Any luck?

Abby: No! There were no unusual outgoing calls from the NCIS switchboard. I ran all the phone numbers for everyone with knowledge of the crime: Gibbs, Tony, Ziva, you, me, home, cell and office.

McGee: You ran your own home phone records?

Abby: Yeah. Gibbs orders.

Tony: In a topsy-turvy world where nothing is as it seems, the one place you can turn to is the wall! [slaps his hands on the NCIS Most Wanted wall]

Ziva: We ran his prints. The coma man is indeed Jonathan Siravo.

Tony: Yes. The master of pirates can't change his diapers, but running an international crime syndicate?! That he can do in his sleep! [glares] You lied to me, wall!

[edit] Toxic [6.21]

Abby: Oh, I remember those days. When I was carefree and full of joy. I envy you, Tony.

Tony: Why are you dressed for a funeral, Abby?

McGee: Is everything okay?

Abby: No. Frank is sick.

Ziva: Who is Frank?

Abby: My mandibular second molar. It's been killing me for a week. I'm finally going to the dentist.

Tony: You name your teeth?

Abby: You don't?

Ziva: This is nice. Being able to work without Tony's incessant babbling. It is almost as if he cannot go on for more than thirty seconds without hearing his own voice. You know, the truly amazing thing is that he fails to realize just how irritating he is to those around him.

Gibbs: Ziva!

Ziva: Yes, Gibbs?

Gibbs: Babbling.

Abby: Heller made the bullet and I made the gun.

Tony: Huh. Assassination made easy, but I mean really, a gun would be easier.

Gibbs: He didn't build it to kill someone.

Tony: He built it to sell it.

Abby: [sarcastically] Perfect. Hi, I'm Abby Sciuto: International bio-weapons dealer.

Abby: [to Gibbs] I can hear you staring.

Abby: Did I miss it?

Ziva: No, he's letting him sit.

Abby: Sit?! He gets a chair? He -- he kills bunnies!!

[edit] Legend: Part 1 [6.22]

[As they walk into the squad room]

McGee: Tony, I am not arguing with you.

Tony: You're arguing now.

McGee: No I am not.

Tony: Are too.

McGee: This is not an argument.

Tony: Yes it is.

McGee: (exasperated) No, it's not.

Tony: Yes. It is. (phone rings) Hang on...

[Tony proceeds to answer Ziva's phone for her, teasing her as she walks up about the man on the other end before she snatches it]

Tony: (wanders to McGee's desk) What were we arguing about before?

McGee: (gives him a look) We were not arguing.

Tony: Oh, right. Yes we were.

McGee: Do you understand that that's what we were arguing about? The fact that you will argue about the least little thing. Sometimes you will argue about nothing at all... you just want to argue.

Tony: That's not arguing, McContrary. C'mon. Have a little insight. That's bantering.

McGee: No, it's not. 'Banter' is light-hearted, witty repartee.

Tony: (grins) Go onnn...

McGee: (looks annoyed for a moment, then gives up and smirks) It's your turn to get the coffee. Go.

Tony: Long distance can be hard. Telefriend from Tel Aviv?

Ziva: You're jealous.

Tony: I'm not jealous.

Ziva: Yes, you are.

Tony: No, I'm not. I'm not arguing, boss.

McGee: Argue!

Tony: Am not!

Tony: He got a name?

Ziva: Who?

Tony: The star of David.

Ziva: Oh, him. Yes, he has a name.

Tony: Trevor? Bruce? Marmaduke?

Ziva: Michael.

Tony: Hm. He sounded more like a Bruce than a Michael on the phone.

Gibbs: Okay, grab your toothbrush.

McGee: Road trip?

Gibbs: Los Angeles.

Tony: Cali-for-ni-ay. What time do we leave?

Gibbs: Not we. [Points to McGee]

Tony: McGee? Not me? McGoo? You?!

Abby: Are you going somewhere?

Gibbs: Yeah. That's what I came down here to tell you. Los Angeles.

Abby: Into the lionesses den?!

Gibbs: [Kisses her cheek] I'm taking McGee.

Abby: Gibbs. It's just last time you guys went to L.A. one of you didn't come back.

Gibbs: I'll bring him home, Abs. [Walks away]

Abby: Just make sure you bring yourself back, too.

Tony: Get any more hits on our secret thing?

Abby: Do you know how busy I've been?

Tony: I know how busy you've been.

Abby: Okay, just asking. We got one hit, but it is a doozy. Guy on the right, Michael Rivkin, our supposed Israeli banker. Guy on the left, director of Mossad, Eli David. Also known as --

Tony: Ziva's father.

Abby: She must know Rivkin.

Tony: You don't ask her. You don't breathe a word of this, Abby. [Deletes file]

Abby: Tony.

Tony: I mean it.

[edit] Legend: Part 2 [6.23]

Tony: [Speaking of Abby] Ignore her, probie, she's suffering Gibbs withdrawal. Transferring it onto you because of a deep seated fear that Gibbs may withhold love and give her a first time head slap if he came back and saw his desk festooned in balloons and decorated like some tacky Tiki bar with messages of affection written possibly in blood. She ain't missin' you at all!

Tony: Are we fighting?

Ziva: If we were you would be on the floor bleeding.

Tony: Okay, I accept that as a likely outcome.

Tony: I have a problem with your boyfriend killing our two prime suspects.

Ziva: Really? In my country that would be cause for celebration!

Tony: Well, you aren't in your country and neither is he!

[edit] Semper Fidelis [6.24]

Tony: Here come the clowns.

McGee: The FBI does have jurisdiction in the death of a federal agent.

Tony: Yeah, well I like our chances with Gibbs in there waving a chair around like Gunther Gable Williams. Lion tamer. He's my second favorite hero after Steve McQueen.

McGee: Sure, because riding a motorcycle looks cool and all, but --

Tony: But nobody messes with a man riding an elephant.

Ziva: He did not get out this way.

Foster-Yates: Unless could cross a lawn without bending a blade of grass.

Ziva: Not impossible with the proper training.

Tony: She can also do that trick where you put your ear to a rail and you can hear a train coming.

Foster-Yates: You get the same training?

Tony: Me? No. But I can eat a bucket of chicken in one sitting, and I have x-ray vision.

Foster-Yates: So you and Ziva don't always agree on everything?

Tony: No, not everything. Healthy debates breeds, uh, creative solutions. Isn't that right, Ziva? [looks around them, puzzled] Where'd she go?

Ziva: [from investigating up in a tree, gestures how intruders got past] A few branches are missing up here. They go in, he goes up, then out [points] that gate. [her cell phone rings, she smiles down at them] Oh, it's McGee.

McGee: Hey. Gibbs wants you guys to come back.

Ziva: I'm up a tree.

McGee: Well, this might only confuse you further.

Ziva: Well, who said I was confused?

McGee: You said you were up a tree.

Ziva: I am!

Tony: Why is he calling you and not me? I'm the senior field agent.

Ziva: I don't know why he's not calling you, Tony. [McGee, on phone, says 'I did call.'] He's not making any sense.

McGee: And you're the one not making sense.

Ziva: He said he called you.

Tony: [looks at his cell] I'm not getting any signal. How come you're getting a signal and I'm not?

Ziva: Because I'm up a tree.

McGee: Oh.

Tony: Ohhh. We often solve cases like this.

Ziva: Goodnight.

Tony: Night. [watches Ziva leave]

Gibbs: Rule number eleven, DiNozzo.

Tony: I would never date a co-worker, boss. Trust me. I mean, why would you even -- [Gibbs smiles slightly] -- that's twelve. Eleven: when the job is done, walk away.

[...]

Gibbs: So, what's on your mind?

Tony: Rivkin's been in town.

Gibbs: I know.

Tony: With Ziva?

Gibbs: The guy doesn't listen.

Tony: Does that bother you on a professional level or a personal one?

Gibbs: I'll tell you what. I'm having a little trouble untangling the two.

Tony: So you are bothered.

Gibbs: Oh yeah.

[edit] Aliyah [6.25]

Gibbs: [about Tony] I am going to see him again, right, Leon?

Ziva: He will not be harmed. Only two people have the authority to do that.

Vance: Your father's one. The other?

Ziva: Me.

Tony: I had no choice.

Ziva: That's a lie.

Tony: Why would I lie to you, Ziva?

Ziva: To save your worthless ass.

Tony: From who, Vance? Mossad?

Ziva: You jeopardized your entire career and for what?

Tony: For you. He was playing you Ziva.

Ziva: And for some reason you felt it was your job to protect me?

Tony: I did what I had to do.

Ziva: You killed him!

Tony: If I hadn't you'd be having this conversation with him. But maybe that's the way you'd prefer it?

Ziva: Perhaps I would.

Tony: Okay, why don't you just get this out -- you want to take a punch, take a swing. Get it out of your system! Go ahead, do it!!

Ziva: Be careful Tony, because much like Michael, I only need one.

Tony: And that's what you're really angry about isn't it? That's what's bothering you. It's not that he's dead, it's that your Mossad boyfriend got his ass kicked by a chump like me.

Ziva: You took advantage of him.

Tony: He attacked me, what was I supposed to do? [Ziva knocks Tony down]

Ziva: You saw a glass table, you pushed him back. You dropped him on it. He was impaled in the side by a shard of glass. Bloody. Gasping for air.

Tony: I see you read my report.

Ziva: I memorized it! You could have left it at that. You could have walked away, but no, you let him up. You put a bullet in his chest.

Tony: You weren't there.

Ziva: You could have put one in his leg.

Tony: You-weren't-there.

Ziva: But I should have been.

Tony: You loved him?

Ziva: I guess I'll never know. [walks away leaving Tony on the ground]

Eli: My daughter speaks very highly of you.

Gibbs: She's a good agent.

Eli: Liaison Officer

Gibbs: She's one of us.

Eli: So she tells me.

Gibbs: (referring to Tony who's in interrogation) So's the guy in there.

Eli: Agent DiNozzo, my sincere apologies for your wait.

Tony: it's okay. I dig hanging out in concrete bunkers, especially after tweleve-hour plane rides in cramped quarters.

Eli: Your sarcasim is noted.

Tony: So's your shirt. Nice style. What is that? Zegna? Cavalli? Got good taste.

Eli: I' m not ceratain how my apparel applies to your visit.

Tony: And I'm not certain how you can classify my visit (pause) as a visit. All right, just so we understand, this is what I do for a living. I interrogate people all day long, so I know all the tricks of the trade and nothing you do is going to intimidate me.

Eli: Interrogate? This is an assembly room. It's a place for mutual discussion. You have yet to see our interrogation room. But if you continue with your childish arrogance, I promise you will.

(Cut to Vnace and Gibbs watching them in another room... live feed on a TV screen)

Vance: How many times did I tell DiNozzo to leave his smart ass attitude back in DC!

Gibbs: You shoulda checked his bags.

Vance: I thought you said your boy was up to this.

Gibbs: You're the one who threw him to the wolves, Leon. Let him find his own way.

Vance: You call this a fight, he better start showing me something.

Gibbs: Take him off the team, he already has.

(Cut back to Eli and Tony)

Eli: Oh, Agent DiNozzo, what you need to understand is that I am very aware of of who you are. Your achievements.. and your misjudgments.

Tony: Okay, stop right there. If this is about my Twitter page, I just clarify I had a couple of cocktails and, what can I say? Sometimes I get a little chatty.

Eli: Do you know who I am?

Tony: You're the Director of Mossade ... and Ziva's father. Although, I'm not sure which one's asking the questions.

Eli:' Sometimes it's hard to separate. And it appears you have had difficulty separating your work from your emotions as well. You believed Officer Rivkin was bad?

Tony: He killed an American agent.

Eli: An accident. Unlike his death, which was intentional. But what was behind that intent? Retribution for an agent you had never even met? You knew that Officer Rivkin would be at Ziva's apartment.You went there to confront him.

Eli David: With traffic, I wasn't expecting you for another hour.

Ziva: I drove.

Eli David: Enough said.

Eli David: When did you start wearing so much makeup?

Ziva: Nice to see you, too.

Saleem Ulman: [to a hostage Ziva] Tell me everything you know about NCIS.

[edit] Season 7

[edit] Truth or Consequences [7.01]

[Tony is being interrogated. Flashback to a Navy ship, where an enormous sailor hopped up on methamphetamine is going berserk.]

Tony: You hit him high, I'll hit him low!

McGee: I don't like the sound of that...

Tony: You hit him low, I'll hit him high!

[They tackle the sailor.]

Tony: (v.o.) Our team consisted of a gang of four. My partner is Tim McGee: small muscles, big brain, heart of a lion. Together we're virtually unstoppable... virtually.

McGee: I got him... Tony, he's going for the knife!

[The sailor raises the knife, Gibbs appears and throws him to the ground, applying a choke hold with his boot that knocks the sailor out.]

Tony: (v.o.) Our team leader is the fearless Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs. Former Gunnery Sergeant, Marine sniper, coffee afficianado, and functional mute.

McGee: (panting) Piece of cake.

Tony: (panting) Yep, easy as pie.

[After McGee's initial refusal to fix Tony's home computer for free.]

Tony: Come on, computers are your thing! If I had a thing I'd want to show it off.

Gibbs: There are rules against that, DiNozzo.

[Tony and McGee are driving through the Somali desert in a Jeep, in the middle of a sandstorm]

McGee: (speaking loudly) Thanks for volunteering me.

Tony: C'mon. You said you always wanted to travel.

McGee: On my own time.

Tony: On your own dime? Are you crazy, you could never afford this!

Saleem Ulman: [leads a hooded figured into the interrogation room, sitting them in a chair] Questions are being asked in town about missing NCIS agents. I am concerned that US forces might be mobilized. One of you will tell me the identities and locations of the operatives in the area, and the other will die. [removes hood, revealing Ziva] I will give you a moment to decide who lives. [leaves the room]

Tony: [smiles painfully at Ziva] So... how was your summer?

Ziva: Out of everyone in the world who could have found me, it had to be you?

Tony: [nods] You're welcome. So, are you glad to see me?

Ziva: You should not have come.

Tony: All right, then. Good catching up. I'll be going now. [tries to stand, but is chained to the chair] Oh, yeah, I forgot. [chuckles] Taken prisoner!

Ziva: Are you all right, McGee?

McGee: I'm just glad you're alive.

Ziva: You thought I was dead?

Tony: Oh, yeah.

Ziva: Then why are you here?

Tony: McGee -- McGee didn't think you were dead.

Ziva: Tony! Why are you here?

Tony: [painful pause as Tony tries fight the truth serum] Couldn't live without you, I guess.

Ziva: So you will die with me. You should have left me alone.

Tony: Okay. Tried, couldn't. Listen, you should know I've taken some kind of truth serum, so if there's any questions you don't know the answer to --

Ziva: I did not ask for anyone to put themselves in harm's way for me. I do not deserve it.

Tony: Is that what you're doing out here? Some kind of monastic experience? Penance?

Ziva: It is justified.

Tony: Get over yourself.

Ziva: I have.

Ulman:[while he is holding a knife to Ziva's throat] I don't make bargains.

Tony: Do you make pizza?

Tony: There's something I haven't told you, yet.

Ulman: What is that?

Tony: I've told you about the brains. I've told you about the guts. I've told you about the muscle. The scientist, the politician, the leader. I told you about every member of the team, except myself. The part I play.

Ulman: Which is?

Tony: I'm the wildcard. I'm the guy who looks at the reality in front of him and refuses to accept it. Like right now I should be terrified, right, but I'm not. Because I just can't stop thinking about the movie True Lies. You know, where Arnie's strapped to the chair and shot full of truth serum. He picks his cuffs and kills everybody. You have thirty seconds to live, Saleem.

Ulman: [sneers] You're still bound. You're lying.

Tony: I can't lie. And I didn't say I was going to be the one to kill you. Remember when I told you my boss was a sniper?

[Ulman looks to the window in horror; a shot rings out and he falls to the floor, clearly dead. Crash zoom through the cell window to a sand dune hundreds of yards away, atop of which lies Gibbs in full camo with his sniper rifle.]

Gibbs: [into radio] Go.

[After he, Gibbs, and McGee, by themselves, rescue Ziva from a terrorist base in Somalia.]

Tony: Just your typical day at the office.

[edit] Reunion [7.02]

Tony: Taking the tour?

Ziva: I have my first psych evaluation.

Tony: Oh, yeah. I always loved those.

Ziva: I'm sure. You get to talk about yourself the entire time. [Tony laughs] I'm sorry, that --

Tony: No, no, no. That's okay. No one's ever accused you of having tact. [Ziva looks away] Sorry.

Ziva: Hello, Abby.

Abby: [turns off her music] What the hell is wrong with you?! How could you have doubted Tony after everything you've been through together? Do you really think that Tony killed Rivkin because he was jealous?!

Ziva: Abby, please calm-

Abby: You weren't thinking, that's what! You weren't thinking! [begins pacing] Although I suppose I could understand your initial reaction. You were at an emotional time for you and for people to act rationally. [stops] But to tell Gibbs that you didn't trust Tony?! [paces] Which I guess I could also understand, because I guess he did just shoot your boyfriend... in your living room... to death. All right, I'll give you that one. [stops] But this is Tony we're talking about here! All soft and goofy on the outside and 100% rock on the inside! And after everything you accused him of, he risked his life to go save you! You should be ashamed of yourself! [paces] Even though in hindsight it is starting to make a little bit more sense now. [stops] But either way, the ball is in your court! It is Tony one and Ziva zilch! This is your move, and it had better be a good one...! Oh, God. I was so worried about you. [hugs Ziva]

Ziva: I know.

[Abby remotely activates a welcome home banner with streamers, causing Ziva to smile.]

Ziva: When you shot Michael I almost killed you where you stood.

Tony: I wasn't standing.

Ziva: No, you weren't. You were lying on the ground, without adequate backup, completely violating protocol.

Tony: And double parked.

Ziva: Yes, I noticed. But that does not matter. Just like it does not matter how it worked out for Michael.

Tony: So what does?

Ziva: That you had my back. That you have always had my back. And that I was wrong to question your motives.

Tony: So why did you?

Ziva: I trusted my brother Ari. I trusted Michael. I could not afford to trust you.

Tony: I thought you weren't sure what to say?

Ziva: I guess I had a long time to think about things.

Tony: I'm sorry, Ziva.

Ziva: No. It is I who am sorry. [kisses Tony on the cheek]

Ziva: We need to talk.

Gibbs: Sit down.

Ziva: When I came to see you and said I wanted back, you said it was the director's call, but I sensed your hesitation. I sense it now, even though I thought I made myself clear. I understand what you did in Israel --

Gibbs: Your brother Ari.

Ziva: You know what happened that night. I was here.

Gibbs: I want to hear it from you. You had orders to kill your brother to earn my trust.

Ziva: Yes.

Gibbs: That's a problem.

Ziva: You don't understand.

Gibbs: You're damn right I don't understand!

Ziva: When I volunteered for that mission --

Gibbs: You killed your own brother, Ziva!

Ziva: It is because I hoped my father was wrong about Ari, and I did not want someone else blindly following orders! I volunteered to protect him, Gibbs!

Gibbs: You lied to me.

Ziva: No, when I told you Ari was innocent, I believed it! But yes, I would have lied to you. He was my brother and you were nothing. But I was wrong about Ari and you. When I pulled the trigger to save your life, I was not following orders. I mean, how could you even think -- he was my brother. And now he is gone, Eli is all but dead to me... [fighting tears] And the closest thing I have to a father is accusing me.

Gibbs: ...Okay.

[edit] The Inside Man [7.03]

Tony: You failed your polygraph! That's not good.

McGee: No, I didn't fail it. They said I have to take it again.

Tony: Why would you have to take it again? Don't ask, don't tell. You didn't make the mistake of coming out, did you?

McGee: I don't have anything to come out about.

Tony: Stick to that story, McQueen.

Ziva: That is total salami!

Tony: Baloney.

Abby: I only take orders from one person: Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs. Unless he asks me to do it, it doesn't get done!

Sportelli: I think that's going to change, honey!

Abby: Gibbs! Make this awful man go away!

McGee: Is that pastrami?

Tony: [nods] Mm-hmm.

McGee: Can I have a bite?

Tony: Nuh-uh. This is my dinner. You can have the pickle.

McGee: I don't like pickles.

Tony: I know.

McGee: I hope you choke on that sandwich.

Ziva: Being stuck at that desk has given me a lot of time to think. Being a visitor here is wrong.

Gibbs: What does that mean, Ziva?

Ziva: I need your signature on this. I want to be an NCIS agent.

Gibbs: I don't even know if that's possible. You would have to resign from Mossad.

Ziva: Already have. Sent my father an email.

Gibbs: Hmm. Now what's he think about that?

Ziva: It does not matter.

[edit] Good Cop, Bad Cop [7.04]

Ziva: You cannot even work your email properly! You always reply to all. It drives me absolutely nuts! You know, when it comes to computers, you are almost as incompetent as Gi -- [looks around the room quickly]

Tony: [chuckles] You thought Gibbs was behind you. You know why? Because sneaky people expect sneakiness. It's a vicious circle.

Ziva: You cannot trust a man whose loyalty has a price.

Ziva: Are you following orders?

Gibbs: Your father, Ziva. He's not a good guy. He's dirty.

Ziva: You cannot say no to him. Not a second time.

Gibbs: [to Ben-Gidon] Go! Get out of here! Run! You tell Eli David to stay away. She is off limits!

Ben-Gidon: I failed you, Ziva. I am sorry.

Ziva: Never apologize. It is a sign of weakness.

Gibbs: [hands Ziva a letter indicating that she is now an NCIS agent] Get to work, probie.

[edit] Code of Conduct [7.05]

Neighborhood kid: Korby was awesome. He came up with new practical jokes every Halloween. Nothing dangerous. I mean, no razor blades. He'd freeze all kinds of stuff, blow things up. It was funny.

Ted Rogers: And illegal!

Ziva: And you are?

Ted: Ted Rogers. I live across the street. First he drove us crazy with his pranks, now he dies in his driveway!

Tony: Well, it sounds like you've got a problem in your neighborhood, Mr. Rogers. That's a nice sweater, by the way.

McGee: Look at this. [watching video of teenagers T-Ping a tree] Two ply, double roll, top tuck with a thirty foot vertical climb. This kid has got an arm! Perfect drapage and good trunk to top ratio. It's very impressive.

Ziva: I do not understand the humor or the art.

McGee: It's a cultural thing. Tony would tell you.

Mr. Rogers: [after Ziva knocks on his door] There's no candy here!

Ziva: NCIS! We don't want any candy!

Tony: Speak for yourself, David. Open up or we'll send the kids in!

Abby: This guy was a genius! He chronicled all his exploits on his phone. It's like a master's course! Six hundred pizzas delivered to the battalion CP. He reassembled a Humvee inside the officer's club. If only I had the appropriate time and space to use the bounty of ideas in front of me.

Gibbs: The case, Abbs. The case.

Ziva: [walks to Tony's desk, holding a coffee cup] You know, Tony, I have been thinking, and I would like to acknowledge my place as a new agent and your place as-

Tony: Your superior in every way.

Ziva: [takes a deep breath] Yes. But for my sanity, could you not call me probie?

Tony: I say it with love.

[Long pause.]

Tony: And if I refuse?

Ziva: You are senior field agent and I am entirely at your mercy.

Tony: As you should be!

[He accepts the coffee and sips, looking surprised.]

Tony: Mmm! Mmm-.mm!

[He chuckles appreciatively, while Ziva looks very pleased at how much he likes it... until he grins, showing his teeth have been stained blue.]

[edit] Outlaws and In-Laws [7.06]

Tony: Are you studying to become a naturalized American citizen?

Ziva: I have to if I want to become an agent.

McGee: Good for you, Ziva.

Tony: Who says we want her as an American?

Ziva: Who says you have a say?

Tony: A little thing called the Constitution!

Ziva: [sarcastically] Really? Where?

Tony: It's in there, and it talks about dangerous foreign aliens stealing our precious bodily fluids.

McGee: That's Dr. Strangelove.

Tony: That's --

Abby: Uh-huh!

McGee: It's no longer in --

Abby: Nuh-uh!

Ziva: This is Gibbs' boat.

Abby: This is the crime scene! It was flown here on a C130 cargo plane along with two bodies and all the evidence, and now it is mine. It is all mine! So I can figure out the mystery!

McGee: What mystery? Who the dead guys were?

Ziva: Or who killed them.

Tony: Or how they ended up on the boat.

Abby: Sure, you guys should work on that! While I figure out how he got it out of the basement!

Tony: [walks into Gibbs' house] Hello?

Franks: [pointing a gun at Tony's head] DiNozzo! You should have told me you were coming!

Tony: I called and you didn't pick up.

Franks: I'm not going to answer the phone! I'm a fugitive!

Tony: So what do you want me to do?!

Franks: Knock!

Tony: Why would I knock? There's no lock on that door!

Franks: Someone may be on the other side with a gun??

Tony: Why would someone be standing on the other side with a gun?!

Franks: Because there's no lock on the door!

Tony: I'll just stand here with my gun.

Tony: [on the phone] I can't hear you, McGee. I'm in the basement.

McGee: Why?

Tony: Because I don't want to talk about the case in front of Leila and the kid.

Abby: Listen, Tony, this is really important. I need you to check the seams of the walls.

Tony: The walls?

Abby: Well do they appear to be removeable?

Tony: Huh.

McGee: Abby.

Abby: Or a tunnel, maybe?! It could be hidden under something on the floor. Something that looks like it doesn't belong.

Tony: Actually, I think Colonel Hogan has got a radio in the coffee pot, but the tunnel might have been filled in.

[Tony moves toward a sleeping Ziva with a Magic Marker.]

Ziva: Touch me and die.

[edit] Endgame [7.07]

Ziva: Those are none of your business, those belong to McGee.

Tony: They're funny.

Ziva: They're private.

Tony: They're self-help CD's McLonely's hearts ordered...um, download your destiny. Three easy payments of $19.95 each satisfaction guarranted or your money back.

Ziva: Maybe McGee's already satisfied.

Tony: Well maybe there's an easter bunny too.

Ziva: Tony...

Voice: Anyone can achieve their fullest potiental. Who we are might be predetermined, but the path we follow is always of our [Tony laughs]

Ziva: Oh my god, turn that off!

Tony: I love this guy! Sort of a poor man Shatner.

Voice: We should never allow our fears or the exceptions of others to set the frontiers of our [Ziva shuts it off]

Ziva: I've heard enough maybe your the one who needs the self-help.

Tony: Well, see that's where your wrong Ziva. I'm already enlightened.

Tony: Well, you're off on your own, Ziva. I'm already enlightened. I know exactly where I am. It may not be pretty, but I am DiNozzo. Hear me roar.

Ziva: Like an elephant.

McGee: Lee Wuan Kai: North Korean assassin, one time fanatical nationalist, credited with 27 targeted hits in seven countries, dozens more by association --

Tony: She likes quiet walks on the beach, laughing with friends and playing Frisbee with her Cocker spaniel Ruphus.

Ziva: [snatches the paper away] It does not say that.

Tony: Well it might as well. Look at those come hither eyes, those perfect kiss me now lips. No wonder Vance is obsessed. Kai's killing me and I'm just looking at her. You and Kai are probably a lot more alike than you think.

Ziva: I do not follow.

Tony: Really? A couple of pretty ladies, both trained assassins.

Ziva: You annoy me sometimes.

Tony: Sometimes?

Ziva: Most of the time!

Tony: Well somethiing must of happened between Kai and Vance. Seriously director shows up at a crime scene that's not kosher.

Tony: It's in your blood isn't it.

Ziva: What is?

Tony: Your thinking of how your gonna get him. Maybe some intense mind games followed by sheer force [Locks the women door] Go for the the jugular or the slow kill your a dangerous woman.

Ziva: Who am I getting Agent Dunham

Tony: Why would you want Dunham thought we were talking about Pak Su Ji

Ziva: Dunham is from Texas. I like Texas what is that saying anyway umm, he cleans up nice.

Tony: Not that nice I thought he was kinda creepy.

Ziva: Oh, come on stop being such a big brother he's a field agent a nomad I've had enogh of that in my life I came to seelt down to make a home for myself the last thing I need is a Chad Dunham.

Tony: Mmm

Ziva: However.

Tony: What?

[Ziva laughs then they both laugh]

Ziva: Well to answer your question how would I get him brut force is intriguing.

Tony: Who are we talking about right now Pack Su Ji or the Texas Longhorn.

[Tony laughs]

McGee: Heck of a day isn't it.

Tony: You went home.

McGee: Yeah, just for an hour.

Tony: I've been talking to agents all night doing recon and you went home and got your game on with little sexy miss text message, Ziva look at him.

Ziva: What are you talking about?

Tony: He's ussing a husky cave man esk primitive satisfication like Heston in Planet of the Apes and it didn't matter that that world was ruled by arrangatanges because Heston went straight for the mute chick in the loing claw you pulled a Heston. Didn't you?

McGee: I don't know about that. It was only for a few minutes.

Tony: Yeah sometimes that's all it takes in my middle aged world.

Ziva: [LAUGHS] You are so jealous.

Tony: Yes I am and there's nothing wrong with that I'm proud of Tim, very proud of you did you take pictures

McGee: Please.

Ziva: Well I'm excited to meet her make sure she's good enough for you.

McGee: [knocks] Ms. DeMarco, NCIS. We need to speak with you.

Tony: Ms. DeMarco, open up. We want to talk to you. [sounds of a shotgun being pumped cause Tony and McGee to take cover, then a shot is fired through the door] Federal agents! Drop it!

DeMarco: Did that piece of filth Serro send you?! Because I've got a message for him! You can tell him -- [peeks out the door] -- did you say federal agents?

Tony: Yes, federal agents!

McGee: Serro's dead! Put the weapon down!

DeMarco: Okay. [puts gun on the ground]

Tony: Hands in the air!

DeMarco: Okay. Sorry.

Tony: Who do you think you are, Sarah Palin?!

Abby: What are you hiding? [Gibbs pulls a Caf-Pow! from behind his back] Oh, no! It's too late, I can't! [pulls a NoCaf-Pow! from behind his back] Gibbs, you are an enabler and I love you for it!

McGee: [voiceover] Anyone can achieve their fullest potential. Who we are might be predetermined, but the path we follow is always of our own choosing. We should never allow our fears or the expectations of others to set the frontiers of our destiny. Your destiny can't be changed, but it can be challenged. Every man is born as many men and dies as a single one.

Tony: He was Kai-jacked!

McGee: Did you just say that?

Tony: I regret it already.

[edit] Power Down [7.08]

McGee: Do you see this? Nine hours, 21 minutes! [shoves his watch in Ziva's face]

Ziva: Has it been that long? [takes the watch away and breaks it]

McGee: Why did you do that??

Ziva: Because it was either you or the watch!

McGee: It's just, what's taking so long, you know?

Ziva: Look, I'm sure we're not the only ones that need to be rescued. Plus, things could be a lot worse.

McGee: Yeah, how's that?

Ziva: We could be stuck here with Tony.

Tony: [from outside the elevator] I heard that! I find it very interesting that the two of you left together late last night!

Ziva: Just ignore him. He's like an annoying bug. Eventually he'll just go away.

McGee: Ziva, it's been five years. Trust me, he's not going anywhere.

Gibbs: What've you got?

Abby: A better question is what have you not got Abbs, and the better answer would be a Caf-Pow! I'm trying to make my own here, but I'm missing like 400 ingredients.

Gibbs: Are you all right?

Abby: No, I'm not okay! I'm not going to be okay until the power comes back on and I can run diagnostics on one of my babies. These aren't like light bulbs, Gibbs. You can't turn them on and off, and they're complex pieces of machinery that requires precise shutdown sequences. I don't understand! I mean, why does autopsy get backup power and I don't? I mean, MTAC, I get that, but what does Ducky have that I don't have?

Gibbs: Corpses.

Abby: I'll get some corpses!

Abby: I finally IDed the tire tracks to the SwiftCast getaway car. I got the make and model. It only took me 72 times longer than it usually does. How did people survive before there was pattern recognizing sparse representation algorithms?

[The team's search leads them to a storage container, which they find being used as an office crammed full of technology, supplies, and weapons]

McGee: [looking around the container] Wow. this is like the TARDIS.

Tony: Tard-what?

McGee: It's the contraption that Doctor Who travels through time in. Never mind.

Tony: Doctor Who? Who watches that?

[edit] Child's Play [7.09]

Tony: Baby, I'm amazed. A maze of maize.

Ziva: What?!

Tony: Maize. It's the Indian word for corn.

Ziva: The Indian word for corn is maki.

Tony: Not Indians from India! Indians from, you know, here!

Ziva: Well if they were Indians from here then we would be called American Indians, you dork.

Tony: [laughs] They'd be called Native Americans, Miss Citizenship Test.

Abby: What can I do for you, Gibblet? Sorry, kind of a seasonal play on your -- I'm ready, sir.

Gibbs: [hands over a phone] Turn this into pictures.

Abby: I thought you were going to give me something hard! So, what are you bringing to Ducky's dinner?

Gibbs: Not sure I'm going.

Abby: What do you mean you're not going?! Who's going to carve the turkey? Who's going to watch the game with me? Who's going to eat too much pie?!

Krista Dalton: We sold battle scenarios to game designers in China! They paid a lot.

Ziva: You and your sister Debra?

Krista: Yes. Debra made contacts through her trips to Asia for her firm.

Gibbs: C Ten Dynamics?

Krista: We took some of the money, Debra and I, the rest we gave to families! Stattler made a ton of money off those kids, never gave anything back! It was old information! Useless!

Ziva: Frequency jamming signals.

Krista: For Balistic Winter. That system was being phased out.

Gibbs: It's still classified.

Krista: Technically, but --

Ziva: Which makes it technically treason.

Gibbs: Let her go.

Gregg Norvell: [sees Gibbs, Ziva and Tony with their pistols pointed at him] Back off! I'll kill her!

Gibbs: Angela, look at me.

Norvell: Move back! Now!

Gibbs: Ziva?

Ziva: Got it.

Norvell: She'll miss.

Gibbs: What's the probability of that?

Angela Kelp: Based on the temperature and humidity, no wind, half moon, good light, 97.6%.

Gibbs: Last chance, Norvell.

Norvell: Move or I'll do it.

Gibbs: [to Ziva] Take it. (She does - and gets the head shot she was aiming for)

Ducky: A toast! Close friends and dear family all. A bountiful thanks and good things for Fall!

Abby: And to all a good night! [pause] Wrong holiday.

[edit] Faith [7.10]

McGee: It's freezing this morning.

Tony: Man up, chilly willy. Feel that warm blood coursing through your veins. Get in touch with your inner McGrizzly Adams.

McGee: Well I've got hand warmers.

Tony: Give me one.

McGee: No.

Ziva: I'm not cold at all.

Tony: The coldblooded David, like a lady Komodo dragon; ice queen, frigid and deadly.

Ziva: And I remembered to wear my thermal underwear.

Tony: I'll give you fifty bucks for it right now.

Ziva: It wouldn't fit. You're too big.

Tony: [desperately] It'll stretch. Turn 'em over.

Tony: Fruit of the month might be good. Maybe a foot massager.

McGee: Tony, I never pegged you as a catalog shopper.

Tony: Well, that's because I'm not, tiny Tim, but desperate times call for desperate measures. I took these from my neighbor's doorstep.

Ziva: You stole them?

Tony: The doorstep is considered a common area. I would never steal mail, that's a federal offense. Oh! Hold the phone Malone! A little bit of lingerie! Nice! What do you get for the shrew who has everything?

Ziva: Is this for the secret Santa?

Tony: How did I end up with Dolores Brahmstead from Human Resources? She's a miserable grinch of a woman.

McGee: I can't argue with you there. I once wished her a happy Valentine's Day and she claimed sexual harassment.

Tony: Have you ever seen her smile?

McGee: No.

Ziva: Stop it both of you! She is a single, middle aged, lonely woman. Have some compassion!

Tony: It must be tough, living up there on Mount Crumpet. Plotting to take Christmas away from poor Cindy Loo Who.

Ziva: These chocolates are delicious!

Gibbs: Hey, dad. Stop making my team fat.

Ziva: Gibbs, why didn't you tell us your father was coming?

Gibbs: I didn't think he'd actually show. Go ahead, have another one, bubble butt.

Tony: It's my metabolism slowing with age. It's nothing a post-holiday cleanse won't cure.

Ziva: So this is where a redthroat would hang out after being overseas for months.

Tony: It's not redthroat, it's redneck.

Ziva: Oh.

Tony: And I think we've found the entire cast of Hee Haw.

Ziva: Over there. That's him.

Tony: With his brother Daryl and his other brother Daryl?

Tony: Boss, I've been running bank records on each Marine in Ellis' unit. So far only two Marines, including First Sergeant Tibbins, accepted a bribe: four grand a piece.

Gibbs: Ho, ho, ho. Merry Christmas.

Ziva: All the money was drawn from the same overseas account and deposited around the same time.

Gibbs: It's a dummy corp.

Tony: Interpol's checking into it.

Gibbs: Tell them to check faster.

Tony: You do it. Not you, boss. You! I mean, how many languages do you speak, anyway?

Ziva: Including the language of love, ten.

[edit] Ignition [7.11]

McGee: The August 1928 issue of Amazing Stories first stirred the national imagination. It featured the Skylark of Space on the cover, and then you've got Buck Rogers.

Abby: What's really amazing is how much more fascinating jet-pack trivia gets the eleventh time you've heard it.

Ziva: Slow drivers.

Tony: Bad drivers.

Ziva: What is so hard? You go as fast as possible, when something gets in your way, you turn.

Tony: You're quoting Better Off Dead. I told you to watch that.

Tony: It's a remote control receiver?

McGee: Yes, it is.

Ziva: What is the range?

McGee: Almost a kilometer.

Tony: I don't speak Canadian. How far is that?

[edit] Flesh and Blood [7.12]

Tony: I've heard the saying "he got blown out of his shoes", but I never thought I'd see it.

Ducky: Now if the explosion had knocked his socks off, that would be impressive, wouldn't it?

Tony: I get it. It must have been tough. Your wife dies and you're left with an eight year old kid, but your solution, Dad, was to warehouse me in boarding schools and summer camps, and half the time I never knew where you were or what you were doing. I needed a closer relationship.

DiNozzo, Sr.: You forget, we took some great vacations together.

Tony: Like the trip to Maui where you left me in a hotel room for two days and I was twelve years old?!

Ziva: Okay, so how many amendments to the Constitution?

Gibbs: The Bill of Rights is the first ten, prohibition is eighteen. I'm guessing twenty-three.

Ziva: Twenty-seven!

Gibbs: Nobody likes a smartass, David.

Ziva: Why do I have to study all this and you don't?!

Gibbs: I was born here!

Tony: It's not as bad as it looks. It's actually an ancient form of meditation, it's a good thing.

Prince Sayed: Agent Gibbs, have you had breakfast?

Gibbs: (takes Tony's hat) Party's over. (hits Tony on the head with the hat several times)

Tony: Ow, ow,ow,ow,ow!

Gibbs: Explain!

DiNozzo, Sr.: What's on your mind?

Gibbs: Your son.

DiNozzo, Sr.: What's junior done now?

Gibbs: Tony likes to hide behind the face of a clown, but he's the best young agent I've ever worked with.

DiNozzo, Sr.: Well, I'm glad to hear that.

Gibbs: When was the last time you talked to him? I mean really talked to him.

DiNozzo, Sr.: We keep in touch.

Gibbs: Four years ago your son came very close to dying from pneumonic plague. I expected to see you. You didn't show then. Why are you here now?

DiNozzo, Sr.: He never told me he was sick.

Gibbs: Oh, so you don't keep in touch.

DiNozzo, Sr.: What's your point?

Gibbs: Tony inherited his personality from you, but I get the feeling there's a lot about your life you don't share.

Tony: I have to break one of your rules, boss. Number six: never say you're sorry. I let things get out of control in the hotel room.

Gibbs: Ah, it's covered. Rule eighteen.

Tony: Oh, yeah. It's better to seek forgiveness than ask permission. Am I forgiven?

Gibbs: No. You've been distracted by your father.

Tony: It's that obvious?

[edit] Jetlag [7.13]

Tony: I just sort of feel like you can use negative space to push the image, you know? It's sort of like a geometrical thing with the light coming across. I was trying to use these geometric lines and spacing. Sometimes I think maybe I should have done something more creative with my life.

Nora Williams: No, I think you're in the right profession.

Tony: All right, Annie Leibowitz, what's wrong with my pictures?

Nora: Well, they're sort of soulless. Analytical. They look like postcards or --

Ziva: Crime scene photos.

Nora: You just need people in them. happy people-

Ziva: living people.

Ziva: A team of Homeland Security officers will be waiting for us when we land. Outside the terminal an NCIS detail will take over.

Marshall Neeley: Not taking any chances in case your new hitman tries something on the ground, huh?

Ziva: Which is why we must consider the possibility they may try something on the plane, where Nora is more vulnerable.

Neeley: You have reason to believe they're on board?

Ziva: Stationary target. Closed quarters.

Neeley: A modern day Orient Express.

Ziva: The killer would just need an inconspicuous weapon.

Neeley: Like what? Listen, I've been doing this for a long while and I doubt that there's anything --

Ziva: Headphone cables make for a perfect garrote, and plastic silverware is not as safe as you might think. I once killed a man using a credit card.

Nora: You are so direct. So honest. So different from him.

Ziva: Tony and I have different approaches.

Nora: You're complimentary. You're sure you two never --

Ziva: No. Positive. Definitely no. Why do you keep on asking about Tony and I?

Nora: You're like me and Daniel. A good fit. Besides, Paris is a romantic city and you two shared a room, so I --

Ziva: I took the couch. Otherwise Tony would have whined the entire flight about his back. [smiles]

...

McGee: Hey, in Paris, who got stuck with the couch?

Tony: Me. We flipped a coin.

McGee: Tough break. (walks away)

Ziva: Why did you just lie to McGee?

Tony: Why did you lie to Nora?

Tony: Nora was right. I found my favorite picture, and it's the only one with someone in it.

Ziva: [looks down at the picture and smiles, almost blushing]

Tony: Very french new wave, don't you think?

Ziva: Maybe. I think it would look better in black and white.

[edit] Masquerade [7.14]

Tony: First the plague, now radiation poisoning. I'm starting to think someone really has it in for me.

McGee: I was there, too, near the car, you know.

Ziva: We all were.

McGee: But don't let that stop you from thinking about yourself.

Tony: This isn't about me! It's about my little DiNozzo makers! They've been nuked!

McGee: I know!

Tony: Do you?! I mean, sure, Tim, your kids are going to be smart, [Ziva rolls her eyes and walks away] but mine have a shot at being really beautiful.

Ziva: What is that?

Tony: It's a Geiger counter. You can't be too careful.

Ziva: What do you think Corporal Vega was doing at an empty warehouse?

Tony: I don't know. Why don't you pick the lock and find out?

Ziva: We do not have a warrant.

Tony: This building is foreclosed, which means it's owned by the bank, and since the people own the banks I think technically we own the building.

Ziva: Wow.

Gibbs: McGee, you're with me.

McGee: Where we going?

Gibbs: To go look for the bomb.

Tony: Don't make me say it, McGee.

McGee: We'll be careful, Tony.

[edit] Jack Knife [7.15]

Gibbs: Get Ziva and DiNozzo out of bed.

McGee: What?!

Gibbs: Wake 'em up.

McGee: Oh. Oh, right. Get them out of bed because it's the middle of the night and they're asleep.

Gibbs: [looks at McGee like he's gone mad] Yes.

McGee: Individual beds. Get them out of individual beds. I was confused. I thought we were talking --

Gibbs: Need some sleep yourself, do you, McGee?

McGee: [opens his eyes to see Tony and Ziva standing in front of his desk] I'm awake.

Ziva: We didn't say anything, McGee.

McGee: But you did something, didn't you? What'd you do?! Did you try and put my hand in this water?

Tony: That's a little juvenile.

McGee: You drew on my face, didn't you? You drew on my face! [looks at his face]

Tony: No. I suggested stripping you naked, putting a tag on your toe and dragging you down to autopsy so that when you woke up you would think you were dead, but Ziva thought it was in poor taste.

McGee: Well, thank you, Ziva.

Szwed: All right. She's a triple digit ride, big old pumpkins in there, but don't get tempted. We gotta get on the big slab and you stay to the granny lane and you keep it under the double nickel, even while you're runnin' deadhead. And bird dog on the dash so you don't get shot in the back by bears, you got it?

Werth: 10-4.

Szwed: All right, lets roll!

Werth: Hey, we gotta pit stop. [Zwed turns around and looks at Werth]

Werth: Three quarters of a tank... I don't like to take chances.

Lucas: GPS tracking puts them in Front Royal in a few hours.

Szwed: Let's make it quick.

Ziva: Umm, what language was that?

Werth: He says she's fast, but not to push her, even when we're drivin' empty. And to uh, watch out for cops.

Ziva: So the truck is a she?

Werth: Let's go rob someone.

[edit] Mother's Day [7.16]

Tony: All right, McNosy, what do you got?

McGee: From what I can gather, Gibbs and JoAnn Fielding are very estranged.

Ziva: The woman lost her daughter and granddaughter. Now her fiancé died in her arms and her former son-in-law is investigating! Show some sympathy!

Tony: Maybe she's cursed! Like a Kennedy!

McGee: Minus the grassy knoll.

Ziva: I heard about that! The shooter was really in the book suppository!

Tony: Depository.

Ziva: That's what I said.

Gibbs: Ooh. It smells like a French whorehouse in here.

Palmer: [referring to his new cologne] That's me.

Gibbs: What are you trying to do, Palmer? Raise the dead?

Abby: If Major Mass Spec were a guy, I would totally marry him and bear his little Mini Mass children.

Tony: You want to learn about being a real man, McGee, you've got to study the Japanese samurai. These guys are like Gibbs, with even bigger stones and less to say.

McGee: Is that even possible?

Tony: Aren't you hot?

Ziva: [smirks] I've been told that before.

Tony: I'm talking about temperature!

Ziva: Stop complaining. This is what winter feels like in Israel.

Tony: Well, we're not in Israel. We're in the good, old U.S. of A, my little immigrant friend, where we like to embrace central air, not melanoma.

[edit] Double Identity [7.17]

Ziva: Hey, any of you notice something different about Ducky?

McGee: Yeah, he has seemed awfully chipper as of late.

Tony: Ducky does seem plucky. No one loves rain in D.C.

Ziva: No, his ties! He's been wearing tie ties, not his bow ties.

Tony: Wow. That's very observant.

Tony: You ever been married, doc?

Dr. Talridge: Twice, but never at the same time.

McGee: I built an application for my phone.

Tony: Why is that important to what we're doing here?

McGee: With a vehicle's VIN number, you can access all the vehicle's pertinent information, including key and remote codes. Hack into a database, download all the codes, and there it is.

Tony: Wow. I'm glad that MIT education paid off for something, McGeek.

McGee: It is pretty super, isn't it?

Tony: I don't believe you.

McGee: Yeah, I'm not going to unlock the door for you, Tony.

Tony: Well, I don't think you could unlock the door, because if you could you'd prove it to me by doing it.

McGee: Uh, no --

Tony: [snatches phone and unlocks door] You should patent that.

[edit] Jurisdiction [7.18]

Ziva: I found candy leftover from Valentine's day.

Tony: Candy from who?

Ziva: Why does it matter?

Tony: It matters because you didn't eat it and so that person must not mean very much to you. It means something!

Ziva: It means nothing.

Tony: Well I'm glad I wasn't your valentine.

Ziva: So am I!

Gibbs: I wanted to see how Jensen lived.

Tony: It says a lot about a man. Take your house for instance: clean, no nonsense, stoic.

Gibbs: Stoic? My house is stoic?

Tony: Understated, then?

Gibbs: I planted some roses last weekend. Red ones. Are red roses stoic?

Tony: Well, they're prickly and thorny.

Ziva: What is CGIS?

McGee: Coast Guard Investigative Service.

Ziva: The Coast Guard has an investigative branch?

McGee: Well, they're smaller than us, but with a wider law enforcement reach.

Ziva: But it is the Coast Guard!

Tony: Whoa, whoa. No need to get uppity. Yes, Virginia, there is a CGIS.

McGee: Now they may not have our track record, or our je ne sais quoi, but they are our legitimate sibling.

Tony: Like Corky in Life Goes On.

Ziva: These are ocean charts. [points] This is where the Delilah was abandoned.

Tony: Calafuego. Treasure hunters.

Ziva: Is that was this is all about? Treasure?

Tony: Pirate treasure.

Ziva: Well this looks like David Jones' Locker.

Tony: Davy Jones'. He used to sing with The Monkees.

Ziva: Real monkeys?

Tony: I envy your brain sometimes.

Tony: Are you ready for the adventure of a lifetime?

Ziva: It is just a movie, Tony.

Tony: How dare you? [puts down popcorn and hands Ziva a drink] Is Mickey just a mouse? Ringling Brothers just a circus?

Ziva: Yes.

Tony: [chuckles] Well, you see, that's why you don't have any friends.

Ziva: I do have friends!

Tony: Really? Then what are you doing with me, watching a movie on a Friday night at work? Huh?

Ziva: You are my friend.

Tony: Really?

Ziva: No. My date canceled.

Tony: Mine, too. [They smile and begin to watch The Black Pirate]

[edit] Guilty Pleasure [7.19]

Ziva: [to Tony and McGee] You know what, you two? I have actually heard of this. You two are having a seven year bitch.

Tony: Itch, and yes we are.

Ziva: You two are like a married couple.

Gibbs: Oh, no they're not. They're still speaking.

McGee: Hey, why'd the dead guy cross the road? To get home.

Tony: Yeah. You were funnier when you were fatter.

Gibbs: Abby --

Abby: No time for smalltalk, Gibbs, there's way too much to tell.

Gibbs: I only said 'Abby', Abby.

Abby: Well, now you've said it thrice.

McGee: Well, if it isn't T-Cadd.

Tony: What?

McGee: T-Cadd. It's what I'm calling you guys now. You know, the cute couples contraction? Tom-Kat, Bennifer, Brangelina.

Tony: Yeah, we got it McBitter.

McGee: You two are wearing the same suit, even. [they smile]

McCadden: Building security found the body. No blood, it looks like he was dumped. Multiple stab wounds to the back. We've definitely got a fifth victim.

Tony: Wounds on his arm, chest. This guy wasn't easy to take out.

McGee: He put up a fight.

McCadden: Killer had to be strong, we're probably looking for a male.

Tony: Or Ziva. [they laugh]

Tony: You're annoying!

McGee: You're juvenile!

[edit] Moonlighting [7.20]

Tony: McGee would know. Head shots are his specialty.

Ducky: What?

Palmer: He's referring to a videogame he's been playing way too much.

Ducky: Ah.

Tony: What's this surprising bit of editorializing coming from the once and future king of dorkland?

Palmer: Hey, I now have a girlfriend.

Tony: The king is dead. [gripping McGee's shoulder] Long live the king.

Palmer: It wasn't sand sand, like good sand. It was bad sand. Very bad sand. It made me break out in red welts.

Ducky: It wasn't the sand, Mr. Palmer, but the sand mite.

Palmer: The sand might what?

Ducky: The sand mite bit you.

Palmer: Sand bites?

Ducky: Well, sand mites might bite.

Palmer: I'm grammatically lost.

Ducky: But medically found. The tiny crustacean known as the mite. M-i-t-e.

Fornell: Thanks for doing it my way.

Gibbs: Yeah, don't mention it.

Fornell: I was being facetious.

Gibbs: Yeah, me too.

Agent Grady: You have to catch them! Now! Like, right now.

Tony: We're working on it.

Ziva: We have hit a shamu.

Grady: Does she mean snafu?

Tony: Roll with it.

[Tony and Ziva enter the squadroom and see Palmer without his shirt on, and a rash erupting around his henna tattoo]

Tony: Dear God... someone fed him after midnight.

Ziva: Jimmy, what happened to you?

Palmer: It turns out I am really allergic to henna. I can't reach back there, so do you think you guys could...?

Tony: I'm late for a squash game!

Ziva: I'm sorry, I've got to get the hell out of here.

Palmer: Please, guys! It really itches!

[Tony and Ziva make a run for the elevator, Jimmy runs after them.]

Tony: That's what girlfriends are for!

Palmer: I can get the top part!

Tony: Stay, stay, stay!

[They try to fend him off, but Jimmy gets on the elevator with them; all arguing at once.]

Ziva: No, no, no! Please, do not... that could be very contagious! I may have to hurt you massively.

Tony: She'll do it, she'll do it!

Palmer: I would do it for you!

Ziva: No, you wouldn't!

[Elevator doors close]

Tony: I thought you said 27.000 kills.

McGee: 28.000 kills.

Tony: But you said yesterday 27.000 kills!

McGee: Well, that was yesterday.

Tony: You kill a thousand people a day?

McGee: I was hot. I was super hot. I was cappin' fools!

Tony: It's not a cause for pride, McGee! It's a cause for concern!

[edit] Obsession [7.21]

Ziva: So, what exactly are you looking for in Miss Right?

Tony: [laughs] Well, aside from the obvious physical requirements, I don't know. I guess she'd be a very independent woman, intelligent, successful, professional.

Ziva: Okay, just one question: what would this woman, possibly, see in you?

[They smile and walk away from each other]

Director Vance: State Department has appointed Ms.Hart to be Alejandro’s legal counsel for the task force.

Gibbs: Of course they did.

Alejandro Rivera: I met Allison in Mexico City. We work well together.

Allison Hart: Alejandro was very helpful in my securing Colonel Bell’s release from prison.

Gibbs: Maybe we shouldn’t be cooperating, Leon.

[Abby has been kindly invited by Alejandro Rivera to speak at a symposium in Mexico City]

McGee: You’re not going to go, are you?

Abby: Are you kidding? Why wouldn’t I go?

McGee: Well, I bet he just wants to find out how many tats you have.

Abby: Maybe I have a new one that you’re never going to see.

Gibbs: You okay?

Tony: Not really. I broke rule number ten. Again. Never get personally involved in a case.

Gibbs: Yeah. That's the rule I've always had the most trouble with.

[edit] Borderland [7.22]

Tony: I bet Abby could last longer than ten seconds playing random chat.

Ziva: You are obsessed.

Tony: You wouldn't understand.

Ziva: Why is that?

Tony: Because, being irritating is second nature to you. Me, I'm charming.

Ziva: [scoffs]

McGee: Now I understand why Tony took the couch in Paris.

Abby: Ziva said that she did.

[they look at each other understandingly]

Abby: Hi, Gibbs.

Gibbs: Hey, Abs.

Abby: Hi, Gibbs.

Gibbs: Hey, Abs.

Abby: Can I come in?

Gibbs: Yeah. You already are in.

Abby: Oh, right. Okay. It was nice talking to you.

Gibbs: Abs. Why are you here?

Abby: You know why I'm here. I matched the bullet in Pedro Martinez's head to your sniper rifle. You killed him. In cold blood. I mean, I know what he did, Gibbs. He killed your wife and your daughter, but Gibbs.

Gibbs: I know.

Abby: Gibbs doesn't do things like that, or does he? Now I don't know. I don't know anything. The only thing that I do know is that I didn't find this out by accident.

Gibbs: Rule forty.

Abby: If it seems like someone is out to get you, they are. You have no idea how much I wish it was yesterday. Maybe if I could just close my eyes and open them again it will be. [crosses her fingers and closes her eyes, only to open them in dismay] Do you realize the situation that I'm in now?

Gibbs: Yeah, I know.

Abby: Do you understand the choice that I have to make now?

Gibbs: I know.

Abby: Stop saying I know!

Gibbs: What do you want me to say?

Abby: Tell me I'm wrong! Tell me that I made a mistake with the ballistics or --

Gibbs: No. No, I can't say that.

Abby: Then tell me how much I've been like a daughter to you, and how much you love me.

Gibbs: Will that help?

Abby: No. What I really need to know, Gibbs, is if you're going to love me no matter what.

[edit] Patriot Down [7.23]

Tony: It is perfect for s'mores.

McGee: I never liked s'mores.

Tony: What are you talking about? What's not to like? You've got your chocolate, graham crackers, gooey marshmellows. What kind of boy scout are you?

McGee: I'm a Webelos, actually.

Tony: Well, zip up Webelos, your inner geek is showing.

McGee: Why would you let someone get away with rape?

Ziva: Perception. Burrows is in the military. If a woman cries rape, no man on that ship would ever totally trust her again.

McGee: Well, you're a woman. What would you do?

Ziva: I am different. After torturing them until they cried like babies, I would castrate them and give them what they deserve.

Tony: Hmm. Spoken like a true almost-American.

Tony: A good flan is hard to make. Getting the right ratio of milk to vanilla to caramel.

Ziva: Can we stop talking about the flan?

Tony: What are you, anti-flan?

Abby: Since when did I become the kid in class that the teacher won't call on? The evidence in my report says that you killed Pedro Hernandez, and you're not even willing to talk to me about it.

Gibbs: I didn't think I needed to.

Abby: I owe you everything! You're Gibbs! No one needs to know the truth about the Hernandez investigation. I am willing to do anything for you. I just need you to tell me what to do.

Gibbs: No you don't, Abs. I've only ever needed you to do one thing.

Abby: My job. But it's different this time. I mean, it has to be, right?

Gibbs: No, it doesn't.

[edit] Rule Fifty-One [7.24]

Gibbs: Ain't that a riddle? No way out. Guy trapped in a room, no doors, no windows."

Paloma Reynosa: How did he get there?

Gibbs: Walls were built around him. But there's nothing there except a mirror and a table. How does he get out?

Jason Paul Dean: Look in the mirror, see what you saw. take the saw, cut the table in half. Two halves make a whole. Climb out the hole. Most retarded riddle I ever heard.

Tony: Did you see that?

Ziva: See what?

Tony: A wink.

Ziva: Director Vance winked?

Tony: I think he winked. Unless he was prepping his eye for the scanner, but --

Ziva: Why would it matter if he winked?

Tony: Because that's what he and Gibbs do. They have this whole wink-wink, nudge-nudge language. Vance can't green light an op. He expects us to pick up the slack when we see it.

Ziva: You see slack.

Tony: I don't know. Did you see a wink?

Abby: You guys are going to Mexico! What's the plan?

Tony: What do you know, Abs?

Abby: Gibbs mentioned rule forty.

Tony: If you think someone's out to get you, they are?

Ziva: I have never heard of a rule in the forties.

Tony: They don't come up very often.

Abby: And that's a good thing.

Ziva: How many times have I told Gibbs to write these things down?!

Tony: You don't have to write them down, they're for daily use, most of the rules, but the forties --

Abby: The forties. The forties are for emergency use only.

Tony: If the forties are in play something unspeakably bad is going down.

Ziva: We have to get him back.

[edit] Season 8

[edit] Spider and the Fly [8.01]

Tony: That horse likes you!

McGee: This isn't funny, Tony.

Tony: Oh, poor McMounty. [affects Canadian accent] Hey, so have you seen any, like, moose and stuff up there? Hey, where's your buddy Claude. Isn't that your friendly St. Bernard with a little barrel of whiskey under his chin?!

McGee: I've been up here playing Dudley Do-Right for two weeks, all right? It's September and there's snow on the ground, could you at least give me a little compassion here?

Tony: And what would that be for? Did you forget to take off your toque when you entered a room? You're going to get in trouble up there, hanging with the bluenecks, throwing back a two-four of pale ale.

McGee: I've actually been working, unlike some people!

Gibbs: Certain people here are working.

McGee: Of course, boss.

Ziva: Hello, Tony. I'm back!

Tony: Well, hello, little miss Sunshine State, and don't you look balmy.

Ziva: I do not know what balmy means, but I would assume it is not good.

Tony: Just because I was alone, manning the fort, handling Gibbs solo, while you've been strolling around South Beach dancing to the rhythm of the night, why would I feel the need to say anything negative?

Ziva: Because you are you. Besides, I was working the entire time.

Tony: Ha!

Ziva: Ha what??

Tony: Are those tan lines?

Ziva: [coyly] Where do you think you're looking?

Tony: Does it matter?

Ziva: Well, actually, yes it does. And I can assure you, I do not have any tan lines.

Tony: Oh. So you did lay in the sun.

Ziva: Yes, I did, actually, this morning before my flight. And I came up with something case related prior to my departure.

Tony: [closes in eyes and inhales as Ziva stands next to his desk] You smell like ocean and shea butter.

McGee: [exiting the elevator] Ah, I missed these stained orange walls. God bless tacky American bureaucracy.

Tony: The prodigal probie returns.

McGee: You know, I realized something, Tony. You don't appreciate something until it's gone.

Tony: So you missed me, ay?

McGee: No, other things, like breakfast without beer.

Ziva: I thought that was the Irish.

Tony: Canadians, too.

McGee: You know, beer doesn't go well with either eggs or oatmeal. [looks at Ziva] Why are you so tan?

Ziva: Why are you so white?

McGee: I've always been like this.

Ziva: It becomes you.

McGee: You're lying.

Ziva: Through my teeth.

Ducky: Did I ever tell you about the first case that Jethro and I worked? Two sailors capsized a recreational skiff one summer's eve; panic ensued. When they were finally located, one sailor was dead and the other severely hypothermic.

Abby: So the one sailor drowned?

Ducky: No. Rather than watch his friend slowly expire, one sailor stabbed the other, claiming that it was more humane. He was convinced that his actions were justified.

Abby: Like Gibbs twenty years ago. [Ducky nods] Ducky, what if this doesn't work? What's going to happen with Gibbs?

Ducky: In 1940 Winston Churchill sat in his bunker smoking one of those majestic cigars, waiting for news that the first German bombs were decimating London. "Let us therefore brace ourselves to our duty," he said over the radio, "and so bear ourselves that, if the British Empire and its Commonwealth lasts for a thousand years, men will still say, 'This was their finest hour.'" The hour is upon us, Abby. All we can do is wait and see.

[edit] Worst Nightmare [8.02]

McGee: [speaking to three recruits while standing at his desk] Now, this is where the brain trust of the entire unit sits. Come on in. Come on in. Please, have a seat. You notice how I've angled my desk here to get a good vantage point of the entire team here. It's very important as an NCIS agent to stay aware.

Tony: [watching from his desk] What's going on here? Are we being replaced by younger models?

Ziva: I am a younger model.

Tony: If that was intended to hurt me, you have succeeded.

Ziva: And we are not being replaced. They are from Waverly University.

Tony: Oh, yeah, that's right. Director Vance's internship program. It's not a good idea. It feeds McGee's need to have groupies. [Ziva smiles]

Abby: Also, you are not to touch my computer, my lab equipment, my mp3 player, my Caf-Pow, my desk or Burt my farting hippo without my express written consent.

Michael Seelus: Well, how am I going to do anything then?

Abby: And there's no cameras or flash photography.

Seelus: I don't have a camera.

Abby: And if accidentally turn my back to you, you are to immediately move back into my eyeline.

Seelus: Why don't I just wear bells?

Abby: That's a really good idea! [moves across the lab and retrieves a set of bells from a drawer] I mean, I'm sorry about this. Darren worked out, but I've just had problems with people that have been assigned to my lab. [holds out the bells]

Seelus: I'm not putting those on.

Abby: Oh, actually you are!

Seelus: No, I'm not?

Abby: [cheerfully] Except for the fact that you are.

Gibbs: [walks in] Abs, I need something fast.

Abby: [to Seelus] To be continued. [to Gibbs] Who are you and what you done with my Gibbs who doesn't like interns?

Gibbs: This is Special Agent Gibbs.

Mason: It was self defense.

Gibbs: Why don't you come on in, we can talk about it?

Mason: I think we both know that's not gonna happen.

Gibbs: You lied to me Mason.

Mason: I am sorry about that, but I just didn't want to take the chance that NCIS would screw things up, so I went to the ransom drop myself.

Gibbs: Yea, how'd that work out?

Mason: You're not the only one who was lied to. They said Rebecca would be there, they lied. I did not start the fight.

Gibbs: No, no, you just ended it.

Mason: He was trying to kill me, he gave me no choice. That's why I am calling you, to warn you. These people cannot be trusted. It was like the amateur hour out there today.

Gibbs: And you're the professional? Right?

Mason: I am what I am, bad luck for these guys. The rest is not important.

Gibbs: Mason, you need to come in before you cross a line that you can't come back from.

Mason: I don't have a lot of time so let me be as clear as I can be. There is not a force on this planet that's going to stop me from finding my granddaughter. You have to work within the law. I am a bit more flexible. [Call disconnects]

McGee: Well, he sounds serious.

Gibbs: No kidding.

[edit] Short Fuse [8.03]

McGee: Ziva, what's going on?

Ziva: Tony has been selected to be on the cover of the new NCIS recruiting brochure.

McGee: Oh, you've got to be kidding me.

Tony: Hey, check it out. Who's the new face of NCIS? You're looking at it, McEnvy. Get used to it.

McGee: There will be no living with him now.

Ziva: Now??

Gibbs: You were supposed to be here an hour ago.

Fornell: My daughter had a performance at school, I told you. Be nice to me. I'v just spent two hours with our ex-wife.

Gibbs: Yeah! She mention my name?

Fornell: Not for years.

Gibbs: Heh, you shaved your beard!

Fornell: That's very observant.

Gibbs: What is that?

Fornell: It’s rice.

Gibbs: I thought you were picking up cheeseburgers.

Fornell: It’s lamb curry from the Punjab Express.

Gibbs: We both agreed we hate that place.

Fornell: We did, but I got a twofer coupon in the mail.

[edit] Royals and Loyals [8.04]

Ziva: Apologize.

Tony: For what?

Ziva: For being you.

Tony: Sweetheart, if I had a dollar for every time I'd done that, I'd be loaded.

Ziva: What?

Tony: I'm just watching the pheromones ooze from your body.

Ziva: I do not see anything.

Tony: That's because they're invisible. It's just a musky scent given off to attract the opposite sex.

Ziva: Now you're being ridiculous.

Tony: Oh, no. It's true. Think about it: first you had your little Miami vice, now Prince Albert in a can. Oh, they can't help it. You're just a walking Israeli love machine.

Ziva: [speaking of the British liaison officer to the U.S. Navy] He is charming.

Tony: What is it with chicks and Brits? Jagger, Bono, Beatles, Bond.

Ziva: I am not into bondage, I can assure you.

Tony: It's like looking for a needle in a haystack!

Ziva: Why would anyone leave a needle in a stack of hay anyway?

Tony: Oh, Lord.

Tony: Hey, boss, good news: a guy fitting Malloy's description just paid cash for a ticket to Glasgow.

Royal Marine/MI6 agent Major Malloy: It wasn't me.

Ziva: Gibbs, where did you find him?

Gibbs: I didn't. He found me. Ziva, you watch him. You watch him like Syria, not Switzerland.

Ziva: Tony, I have a question.

Tony: Shoot.

Ziva: If and when you meet my friend, and I emphasize 'if', what will you say?

Tony: Be careful. [chuckles insecurely] Um, handle with care; contents priceless.

Ziva: Goodnight, Tony.

Tony: Goodnight, Ziva.

[edit] Dead Air [8.05]

Ziva: Tony, have you been drinking?

Tony: No. [sniffs breath] Why?

Ziva: I could have sworn I just heard you thank McGee.

Tony: I appreciate his insight.

Ziva: [skeptically] On what?

Tony: Baseball.

McGee: Specifically the implementation of instant replay in baseball. If we have the technology, why not use it?

Ziva: I do not know what is more disturbing: the fact that you both agree on something or that McGee is a fan of a sport.

Abby: [jumps when Gibbs touches her shoulder] Gibbs! Are you trying to give me heart palpitations?

Gibbs: No. What do you got, Abs?

Abby: Heart palpitations.

Tony: [Talking about Ziva] She’s not doing a very good job. The body language is all wrong. Classic Ziva would’ve been more reckless, hair would’ve been more wild. She was very sexual then.

McGee: You think Ziva’s less sexual now?

Tony: Compared to the Ziva I shared a bed with five years ago, yeah.

McGee: You guys were undercover. I mean, you were just putting on a show.

Tony: [Doesn’t say anything, stares at Ziva]

McGee: You were putting on a show, right?

Tony: [Just looks at McGee and clears his throat]

Ziva: Tony!! [jumps on Tony to cover him from a bomb blast]

Tony: This is nice. I miss the old Ziva.

Ziva: I can tell.

Tony: Don't flatter yourself. That's just my knee.

Ziva: So, Matt Lane planted a bomb then stayed behind to unpyer a game rather than flee the scene.

Tony: We told you Ziva.

Gibbs: It's baseball.

Ziva: Huh

Tony and McGee: Nice

Ziva: You two need a moment.

Tony: You'll understand. Eventually

Ziva: Will I? (Goes to grab mitts and baseball)

Ziva: Hey Gibbs, Have a catch?

McGee: Wow, look at this. So, you do know a little somethin about baseball. Huh!

Ziva: Yeah. My father taught me.

[edit] Cracked [8.06]

Abby: We communicate in the same way. I could tell the first time I saw all of this. Everyone else saw chaos, and I saw patterns right away; there was order to the chaos. I want you to know that whatever it is that you're trying to tell me, I promise you, I promise I'll understand.

Ducky: Careful. Sometimes they talk back.

McGee: How many Caf-Pow's have you had today?

Abby: Um, Eleven..teen.

[edit] Broken Arrow [8.07]

Ziva: Hey, guys? [Tony and McGee arrive to see Ziva looking into a dumpster] Someone is going to have to go though this -- this is disgusting.

Tony: Last time I checked, I was senior field agent.

McGee: It's too bad we don't have a probationary agent with us.

Tony and McGee: But we do!

Ziva: You're going to pull rank on me?! [watches as they turn and leave]

Abby: But, you just got here dont you wana stay a couple of days. You can have some quality time with Tony.

Dinozzo Sr.: Ohhh, I'd love too Abby, but I have to get back to New York I've been away to long.

Ziva: But we barely got to see you.

McGee: Yeah, we were kinda hopin to hear your version of why Jr. got expelled from boarding school.

Tony: Your wildest dreams McGee. Let's go dad!

Dinozzo Sr.: What's the matter with you Jr? Relax.

Gibbs: Hey, DiNozzo hold on a minute.

Tony: Don't move. Stay. [walks over to Gibbs] Yeah boss.

Gibbs: Hey, where's your dad going?

Tony: New York

Gibbs: No not yet we need him get us into the reception.

[Tony laughs then Gibbs laughs]

Dinozzo Sr.: Is that Ziva?

Tony: [frustrated] Yeah.

Dinozzo Sr.: Junior, get my bag. Oh wow, Ziva, look at you! What do you say, sweetheart?

Ziva: Hi!

Tony: Watch the hands!

Dinozzo Sr.: I'm so happy to see you!

Tony: Let's go!

Admiral Chase: Does Agent David carry a weapon?

Gibbs: She is a weapon.

[edit] Enemies Foreign [8.08]

Eli David: I was summoned. Vance's review of the international case-files, and his request for contributions from every NCIS director.

Gibbs: Not every director.

Eli David: No. Not Jenny Shepard. She was truly responsible for bringing our organizations together, and for bringing my daughter into your life, but I am not here for her.

Gibbs: For Ziva.

Eli David: Yes.

Gibbs: You're not here for Ziva. She has a name.

Eli David: I am aware. I gave it to her.

Vance: Eli's here already, isn't he?

Gibbs: You knew he'd come.

Vance: You dangle the right bait you can catch any game. The Palestinians are following the same logic.

Gibbs: Chasing Eli.

Vance: That was unexpected. We've got to find him first, then we need to get on Eli's protection detail. I know he's going to make it miserable for us.

Gibbs: Got McGee babysitting him at a safehouse. We're running drills to secure the hotel.

Vance: Good. How's our own David handling it?

Gibbs: Her father left her to die in a desert.

Vance: So it's a problem.

Gibbs: Would be for me. Won't be for Ziva.

McGee: The Palestinians last location is a thousand miles south of D.C. Now every minor and major airport between has their photos posted. I've got alerts at the train stations, bus stations, local L.E.O.s up and down the coast, as well as all hardware shipments, commercial or military. I have hung a net.

Ziva: I do not know who Annette is or why you are so proud of killing her.

McGee: No, what I mean is, when they make a move I'll know about it.

Abby: You should see your dad.

Ziva: How would that help the case?

Abby: It wouldn't. Have you even spoken to him?

Ziva: No.

Abby: Okay.

Ziva: What does it matter to you?

Abby: Do you think it's just by chance that he came back into your life? I mean, what about Gibbs and his father and Tony? It's just that there comes a point, you know, in your lifetime where they really come back into your life, because they matter to you, and because you matter to him. I mean, I suppose that it sounds complicated, but believe me, it's not nearly as complicated as knowing that they're never, ever going to come back again.

[edit] Enemies Domestic [8.09]

Liat: Director David has left us a message.

Tony: What's that?

Malachi: It is the Hebrew word bayet. It means "house" or "home".

Tony: [sarcastically] Oh, so he's walking all the way home to Israel?

Liat: More likely the Israeli embassy.

Tony: "House". Oh, well, you know there is a House of Pancakes down the street, and also a House of Pies and a Donut House --

Ziva: [interrupting Tony] My father needs medical attention. We should split up, cover each possibility.

Liat: Okay. [she and Malachi leave]

Tony: Look, you're going to have to go on your own because Gibbs wants --

Ziva: Tony, do you know what a Golem is?

Tony: Creepy schizophrenic creature from Lord of the Rings?

Ziva: No, that's Gollum. A Golem is a supernatural being from Jewish folklore. It was created from mud to protect the Jews. The mystics sketched the name Emet into his forehead. When the monster's task was completed the letter aleph was scratched out, changing the word to met. Do you understand what I'm saying?

Tony: Yeah. Liat pulled a Golem. She erased a letter?

Ziva: Liat is an overachiever. She erased the entire word.

Tony: You're not going to the House of Pancakes, are you?

Ziva: The second word was knesset - the word you removed. Beit knesset - the nearest synagogue. But just one question: why did you not trust me?

Liat: You're not with us.

Ziva: Aba! Show yourself!

Liat: Are you an idiot?

Ziva: We're not looking for the afikoman. He can hear us if we call him.

Liat: Yes, but you don't know who else might hear.

Ziva: Aba!

Liat: [grabbing Ziva by the shoulder] You stop!

[Liat and Ziva fight on the bimah]

Eli: Stop this! [enters with Malachi] What are you doing?

Ziva: [pointing to Eli] He's coming with me, Malachi.

Liat: He's not going anywhere.

Eli: Liat, you do not answer for me.

Ziva: Hadar is dead. Director Vance is nearly so. Everyone has questions for you.

Eli: Then you take me to NCIS. You will have your answers.

Abby: [referring to Eli David] He knew how to do it. He just confessed to knowing how to build the murder weapon. I mean, come on! How many people know how to build a homemade Claymore mine?

Malachi': In this room? [he, Liat and Ziva raise their hands]

Abby: Okay, fine. [raises her hand]

Gibbs: Rule number nine.

Vance: How did you get that by security?

Gibbs: Never go anywhere without a knife.

Eli: There have been times I felt this job take a piece of me. Where I worried it might be gone forever.

Ziva: Sometimes life surprises you.

Eli: Those are the moments worth living for, my Ziva. [kisses her forehead]

Gibbs: Hey! That was my Danish!

McGee: Oh no. Agent McCallister! Now remember, you're supposed to ask me before using the men's room.

McCallister: Shut up! Permission to smack your boy with my cane, Gibbs.

Gibbs: Denied.

[edit] False Witness [8.10]

Tony: [after Ziva turns off the sound from the interview room] Thanks. I was getting a headache.

Ziva: Really?? This is usually your favorite part. Getting to watch reality TV at work, as you call it.

Tony: Well, people change, Ziva.

Ziva: Yes. But not that quickly. And yet here we have this new Tony. Who arrives early, stays late, turns down advances from beautiful women, and has not made a single joke in the past, what, two days?

Tony: I haven't? Are you sure? Well, we're in the middle of a case.

Ziva: It has not stopped you before.

Tony: Well, it's stopping me now, and I'm sorry if you're losing sleep over it, but I can't be responsible for everyone's feelings!

Ziva: Everyone?

Tony: Everyone! You, and McGee, and the Brenda Bittner's of the world. Everyone!

Ziva: Brenda.

Tony: Yeah. Bittner. The girl who posted online that we were in a committed relationship last year.

Ziva: Yes! Yes, but if I remember correctly, the only thing you were committed to was a one night stand.

Tony: That's right. [clears throat] I just found out that she checked herself into a depression treatment facility after she wrapped her car around a tree. Nice one, huh?

Ziva: And you feel responsible.

Tony: No! I barely knew the girl. I'm just saying.

Ziva: Well, clearly she was a troubled woman.

Tony: It's clear now, isn't it?

Ziva: Still, it must be unsettling to think that you didn't notice at the time, especially since it is your job to help people who are in trouble.

Tony: I don't know why this has gotten under my skin like this. I mean, of all things. Maybe instead of having a mid-life crisis I'm having a mid-life crazy.

Ziva: Look, you are not crazy, okay? You are just -- [pauses] -- growing up. And some lessons are more painful as we grown older when the stakes are higher, but you need to find balance. And yes, yes, yes, yes! You need to treat people more respectfully, especially when it comes to matters of the heart. But you, need to be who you are.

Tony: Who am I?

Ziva: You are Tony DiNozzo. The class clown. That is why we love you.

[edit] Ships In The Night [8.11]

Tony: The paparazzi's gonna love this, Ziva, How do I look?

[edit] Recruited [8.12]

[Tony looks pensively at Ziva's desk]

McGee: So, where is she?

Tony: [starts] Who?

McGee: Tony, Ziva's been gone since Thursday.

Tony: Oh! Ziva. Gosh, I hadn't noticed.

McGee: You are lying.

Tony: McGoo, I have better things to do than obsess about the whereabouts of our little miss fancy-pants Ziva.

McGee: Like what?

Tony: Well, for starters, there's lunch. Today I'm picking falafel.

McGee: Tony.

Tony: All right. She spent the weekend with him.

McGee: Who?

Tony: The sire of South Beach. The king of Key West. The man with the mister -- I'm running out of things to call him.

Tony: She won't even tell us his name.

Gibbs: [kisses Abby's cheek] Thank you, Abs.

Dr. Walter Magnus: He -- he just kissed her.

Ducky: Consider it an innocent gesture of endearment.

[McGee sneezes]

Tony: Cover your mouth.

McGee: I'm allergic to sawdust. Mostly pine. I'm better with hardwoods. You know, walnut, oak.

Tony: Were you a sickly child? Because I'm betting you were a sickly child.

McGee: I need my inhaler.

Tony: I want Ziva back.

Tony: 5 kids Craig was advising. Hi I thought you were in Miami. You look positively awlpine.

Ziva: He came to me. We went skiing again this time to Vermont.

Tony: Vermont that's so quant they have all those lovely little country inns and uhh, cozy fires and sticky syrup that gets every where.

Ziva: He enjoys nature and I discovered that he's a fantastic cook he made this whoow delicious awzooboko.

Tony: Aren't you lucky so he's a real renasaunce man.

Ziva: He is an expierence man who knows how to enjoy life there is a difference.

McGee: So when do we get to meet him and please tell us his name.

Tony: Oh, no please let me guess. Zeus uhh Thor.

Ziva: His name is Ray.

Tony: Ray what a nice little name. Ray like Ray Crock or Ray Charles or Sugar Ray.

Ziva: Umm, I promise you Ray is a good man.

[edit] Freedom [8.13]

McGee: Since when did banks become so evil?

Tony: Since about the 12th century.

(Ziva laughs)

McGee: Not a hacker, either.

Ziva: How do you know?

McGee: My firewall hasn't been penetrated.

Tony: Lubricant helps, but everybody has dry spots.

(Ziva laughs)

McGee: It's rude, Tony. I called you four times!

Tony: Well, there's two things wrong with that statement. One, we're not dating. And two, you know I don't take calls from anyone, especially you, after 7pm. You forget, I have a life.

McGee: What's your point?

Tony: My point McGee, party of one, is that you were leaving me messages evidently about some kind of case file?

McGee: Yeah, one that I needed you to sign.

Tony: Which you could have waited until this morning for? Give it to me. (McGee hands Tony the file) See that? Now all I have to do is sign it! (Tony signs the file) Look at that. Signing John Hancock. Just kidding, Anthony DiNozzo. (Tony hands McGee the file, which McGee snatches out of his hands)

(After McGee has opened a parcel containing a blow up doll)

McGee: Erm...real funny, Tony.

Tony: (Laughs) You think I did this?

Ziva: I would not put it past you.

Tony: Guys! Come on, a little credit, please. I have grown past this kinda sophomore thing. I mean, who would do something so...genius! McGee with a plastic girlfriend! Congratulations, Tim! She's very sweet.

McGee: The receipt's got my credit card information on it. It must be some kind of mistake.

Ziva: I would cancel your credit card.

McGee: Right now, all I need to do is figure out how to deflate this thing.

Tony: Oh that's easy, there's always a button right here on the back of the neck...(Tony realises what he has just said)...there's no reason I should know that.

(Gibbs and Ducky are in Autopsy, looking over Sgt Wooten's body.)

Ducky: These bruises and lascerations could be consistent with somebody hitting a target repeatedly.

Gibbs: The target was the wife, Duck. I wouldn't blame her if she did this.

Ducky: Nobody would. But that doesn't make it any less of a crime.

(Tony introduces Nick Miller, the boy whole charged McGee's credit card illegally)

Tony: Tim McGee, meet Tim McGee.

Nick: 'Sup dude.

McGee: Hello. (Looks at Tony) I don't get it.

Tony: Well, Tim, there are two kinds of identity thieves. There's the kind you never know and there's the kind that knows you so well that they're aware you're not home from 7am to 10pm.

McGee (To Nick) You're Mrs Miller's kid right? Nick?

Ziva: Who is Mrs Miller?

Tony: It's McGee's landlady, holder of the keys. She also has a bad back.

Ziva: Oh.

McGee: It was you! You stole my identity, you sent me an inflatable girlfriend! You know I'm down almost ten grand!

Nick: Dude, it's fraud and you're only liable for like... fifty bucks.

Tony: Yeah dude.

McGee: (To Nick) Why? Why are you doing this to me?

Nick: You're always doing the same thing. Go to work, come home, go to work again. You even order the same take-out food every single night.

McGee: Not every night.

Nick: Dude, yes! You gotta start living. You're too young to act so old.

(McGee looks at Tony who starts laughing)

Tony: You're welcome.

(Tony, McGee and Nick Miller decide to go to GameStop)

Nick: (To Ziva) Smoking hot chick! Can she come too?

(Ziva smiles and looks at Tony)

Tony: Cool it, Nick.

(Tony drags him towards the elevator as Ziva laughs)

[edit] A Man Walks Into A Bar... [8.14]

Dr. Cranston: The thing that puzzles me, with all this change, allegiance to country, of the type of men you're drawn to, what is it that you are looking for? What is it that you want?

Ziva: I want something permanent; something that can't be taken away. Is that too much to ask?

Dr. Cranston: What do you see when you look at him, Agent DiNozzo?

Tony: A man works his whole life, dedicates himself to his job, and then has nothing to show for it.

Dr. Cranston: How does that make you feel?

Tony: Afraid. I'm a good agent, Dr. Cranston. A really good one.

Dr. Cranston: I know. So do a lot of other people. Maybe Agent Todd was hard on you because she knew what you were really capable of. Too bad she never got a chance to tell you.

Tony: I think I just realized who you are, Rachel.

Kate: How was I supposed to know what you were planning?

Tony: Well, we're a team, Kate! You're supposed to follow my lead.

Kate: Oh, even when I don't know where it's going?

Tony: Especially then.

Gibbs: Stand right here. Look down. Do you feel that? Right there?

Dr. Cranston: What?

Gibbs: This is where the guy who murdered Kate died. This is where Ziva shot her own brother. That, doc, is closure. The rest is just memories. Nothing wrong with memories.

Dr. Cranston: Man walks into a bar. Asks the bartender for a glass of water, bartender pulls out a shotgun, fires a blast just missing the man, man says "thank you" puts a tip on the bar and exits. Why the '"thank you"? Why the tip?

Dr. Cranston: It's all about responses, Gibbs. You, Vance, ...your agents. We keep things piling up inside... even the harshest response seems appropriate.

Dr. Cranston: It's clear to me we all react to life's challenges in different ways - your people are no exception. Some fight death and some embrace its solace. Some recognize their fate and others do whatever is necessary to alter it. Sometimes we defy other's expectations and, occasionally, we rise to meet them. But the constant is being true to ourselves. We do what we have to when we have to. We react - for better or worse.

[edit] Defiance [8.15]

[edit] Kill Screen [8.16]

Tony: I hope you didn't break his computer. He doesn't like that thing even when it's working.

McGee: I should have listened to my horoscope. It said I should stay home today.

Ziva: [laughs] Your horoscope?

Tony: What else did it say?

McGee: Avoid new relationships, which after last week probably isn't a bad idea either. [looks up as Tony laughs] What's so funny?

Tony: Oh, just that you think you have a choice.

Ziva: And that you read your horoscope.

McGee: Oh, just for fun, but it has been interesting. I have been thinking about taking a break from dating for a while. [makes a face as Tony laughs again] Okay, now what's so funny?

Tony: Same thing.

McGee: Thanks for the confidence, Tony.

Ziva: I would like to have seen Gibbs shoot that computer.

McGee: Well, if I don't get his email working you may get a second chance.

Ziva: I almost shot Tony last night. We were stuck for almost three hours before the firemen were able to open up the fire doors.

Tony: And you loved every second of it.

[edit] One Last Score [8.17]

Tony: No, I saw what happened! You and I were having a conversation, we're trying to work something out.

Ziva: Yeah! It is a violation. There is an expectation of privacy in our own office.

Tony: And she's just chatting away, right over the hedge.

Ziva: It is over the edge!!

Tony: Actually, it's over the top, but it's pushing you over the edge.

Ziva: Huh?

Tony: And you know what I think? [walks into the lab to hear McGee and Abby speaking] What are you guys talking about?

Abby: Um, tanning hides. You?

Ziva: The same.

Tony: Easy.

Tony: So something interested here here, huh?

Gibbs: There's a couple of options, but I like this desk. Old growth wood. Craftsman made.

Ziva: [gasps] It belonged to William Faulkner! I love his writing!

Tony: Total genius.

Ziva: Yes! It was worth learning English just for The Sound and the Fury, or that chapter in As I Lay Dying. You know, the one with the five words where Vardaman says "My mother is a fish!"

Tony: I don't really like his books much, but I'm a big fan of the movies he made based on other people's books. Like The Big Sleep and To Have and Have Not. I mean, he gave us Bogey and Bacall. God bless you, William Faulkner.

[edit] Out of the Frying Pan... [8.18]

Gibbs: What do you got?

Abby: Other than my respect and adulation for human's ability to engineer teeny, tiny parts made of nothing but sand?

Gibbs: [looking down at a touchpad computer] Is it dead or alive?

Abby: It's neither. It's like a zombie, Gibbs; if you don't kill the brain, it doesn't die.

Ducky: (talking to Ziva about a dead body that had been stabbed) Lizzie Borden took an ax and gave her mother forty whacks. When she saw what she had done, she gave her father forty-one.

[edit] Tell All [8.19]

[Gibbs walks into Abby's lab with a scorched book from the crime scene]

Gibbs: Hey Abs, brought you a book.

Abby: Oh...great...you know, it's supposed to be burnt after reading, not before?

[Tony and Ziva are Abby's lab attempting to piece together the burnt pages of the book]

Ziva: Tony, you're hogging the end pieces!

Tony: That's because I start with the end pieces. Haven't you ever done a puzzle before? You go out to in.

Ziva: Have you ever done a puzzle before? Because you work in to out!

Abby: [laughing at their bickering] Will you guys stop? I'm trying to read here.

[Tony is hiding in a shower cubicle in a secret attempt to read Gibbs' invitation. Ziva realizes this and pulls the curtain back on him.]

Ziva: Tony.

Tony: Ziva.

Ziva: You're in the women's shower fully clothed and you are holding Gibbs' mail.

Tony: What's your point?

Ziva: That letter's not for you to read.

Tony: I know, but there's so many questions to be answered. The happiest day in someone's life and they need Leroy Jethro Gibbs there to seal the deal? Doesn't make any sense.

Ziva: Right, so be honest. Surely you would Gibbs there at your wedding?

Tony: I don't know if a head slap coming down the aisle is the ideal Kodak moment.

Ducky: Cellular communication, text messaging, squeaking...

Palmer: Tweeting, Doctor. Like the little yellow canary and the puddy cat. I used to love that cartoon...

Abby: [about the suspect] She's like Lisbeth Salander meets scary Katy Perry.

[edit] Two-Faced [8.20]

McGee: Sounds like you're getting pretty serious.

Ziva: I am happy Ray is happy. We are meeting in New York next weekend. He is taking me to the opera.

Tony: The opera?! Wow! Does his boyfriend know about you?

Gibbs: You CIA?

Ray Cruz: Just celebrated my thirteenth year, sir.

Tony: That's funny. Ziva failed to mention your line of work.

Ray: It's what I do. It's not who I am.

Tony: That's a very zen, new-agey kind of attitude for someone who instals puppet regimes for a living.

Ziva: Okay. Gibbs, can I give Ray a tour?

Gibbs: Yeah, sure. Don't lose him.

Ray: It's been a pleasure meeting all of you.

Tony: Huh. So it's not Renaissance Ray. It's CIA Ray. He's CIRay!

McGee: You really should get that checked out. It's like a bad tick or something.

Tony: Something about this guy, boss. His smile is disturbing. I haven't seen a smile like that since Christan Bale's barely audible Batman in The Dark Knight.

Gibbs: DiNozzo.

Tony: Right. Back to work. (in Batman voice) It's what I do. It's not who I am. (normally) Huh.

Ray: You know, I want Ziva's friends to become my friends. She's told me how close the two of you are.

Tony: [Laughing] I wouldn't say that.

Ray: She says you're like a brother to her.

(Tony looks troubled)

Abby: Change, Gibbs. Change makes me itch. It always has. It's Agent Barrett. I'm not a fan. I mean, of change. Her I don't mind. She's feisty for someone so small, and I like that. Not that I like her, because I don't really.

Gibbs: Abby.

Abby: Not like I like you.

Gibbs: Abs. [hugs her]

Abby: I like our family just the way it is.

Gibbs: Nothing's going to change.

[edit] Dead Reflection [8.21]

Tony: Salads are not stakeout food.

Ziva: Well, they should be. [motioning at his sandwich] At least they don't stink up the car.

Tony: [offers an onion ring] Want one?

Ziva: No!

Tony: Your loss.

Ziva: Did Gibbs say anything to you about Agent Barrett? You know, dating?

Tony: No.

Ziva: [sighs] Are you sure he knows?

Tony: He's Gibbs. He knows everything. He did read her the riot act, though.

Ziva: Well, that's not good, Tony. I mean, you should talk to Gibbs. You and him go way back! I mean, it's like the big rhinoceros in the room that no one wants to talk about.

Tony: Elephant.

Ziva: Huh?

Tony: It's an elephant in the room. It's not a hippopotamus, it's not a rhinoceros. It's an elephant.

Tony: I've always thought that the head slaps were sign of affection. Today in the squad room I was expecting one and I didn't get it. Are you pissed at me?

Gibbs: Rule number twelve.

Tony: Never date a co-worker. [laughs] Yeah, I know. She's pretty great, though. E.J. and I have a lot in common. She's easy to be with. It's nice having someone to talk to. NCIS doesn't have any policy against it. I mean, there are married agents, and technically E.J. and I don't work together. We're on separate teams.

Gibbs: My team. My rules. [ignores phone call from Abby] Sleeping with Barrett is a bad idea.

Tony: No offense, but my personal life is my business.

Gibbs: It's going to effect your work.

Tony: No, it won't.

Gibbs: It already has.

Tony: I know what you're thinking: that I've lost focus, that I've taken my eye off the ball.

Gibbs: I depend on you.

Tony: Listen, we have to kind of cool it around the office from now on. You know what I mean?

EJ: You mean around Gibbs. He intimidates you.

Tony: Let's just say he presents a challenge. He sees what he shouldn't see. Hears what he shouldn't hear. He's like Alec Baldwin in The Shadow, and the shadow always knows.

EJ: You're scared of him.

Tony: [nods] Yep!

EJ: I'm not.

Tony: You should be.

[edit] Baltimore [8.22]

McGee: Look, I'm just saying that I think Tony is more upset than he's letting on.

Ziva: Yes, but he and his partner had not spoken in years.

McGee: Okay, let's say you and I hadn't spoken in years, and I get my throat slit by a serial killer.

Ziva: I would hunt him down, and make him regret the day he was born. You're not just any partner, McGee!

McGee: Neither is Tony.

Tony: [reading his fortune cookie message] Love is for the lucky and the brave. Why is that for me?

Danny: Hey man, asking your high school music teacher out qualifies as brave in my book.

Tony: Wendy asked me out, remember?

Danny: See, that's why you can dress like that. 'Cause you're good-looking, but one of these days, the looks are going to run out.

Tony: I plan to be safely married by then.

Danny: Well if not, you might want to consider a new wardrobe. Seriously. Yeah, with the right clothes, you'd be unstoppable.

Gibbs: [telling Abby and McGee how he recognized a possible suspect's picture] Rule number 35.

Abby and McGee: [look at each other and smile] Always watch the watchers.

[In a flashback, Tony is talking to Gibbs over the phone. Gibbs' cell rings in the background]

Tony: You need to get that?

Gibbs: No. My wife.

[...]

Gibbs: [phones rings again] Ah, I gotta get this one.

Tony: Is that your wife again?

Gibbs: Divorce lawyer.

Tony: Maybe being a cop isn't for me. [Gibbs smacks Tony on the head, to his surprise] Did you just physically assault me?

Gibbs: I don't have a lot of rules, but rule number five is 'you don't waste good.' You're good.

Tony: You gonna make a habit of that?

Tony: [talking about Gibbs, in flashback] Who'd wanna be a navy cop? I'd rather have the plague.

[edit] Swan Song [8.23]

Franks: Who the hell are all these people?

Abby: Oh. These are the new guys! Gibbs didn't tell you?

Franks: Man of few words.

Abby: I've noticed.

Ziva: There is always another monster.

Tony: Yep.

Ziva: I mean, we pursue them, but we just keep making targets of ourselves.

Tony: Better us than someone who didn't sign up for it.

Ziva: I don't think I can take anymore. [steps into Tony's arms]

Tony: Hey, we're going to get him, okay?

[Elevator door opens to reveal Abby and McGee hugging]

Tony: [motions with his arm] Bring it in.

[Abby and McGee join Tony and Ziva for a group hug]

Gibbs: Seaman Derek Balfour.

Franks: Sweet merciful crap, man. Am I really supposed to remember all these names?!?

[edit] Pyramid [8.24]

EJ: Why didn't he kill me? I was fighting like hell, but why didn't he do it right there?

Tony: You were a message, not a victim. Consider yourself lucky.

EJ: Levin's dead. Cade may not make it. They were my responsibility. Where exactly is the luck in that? You think Gibbs would have let Cobb leave Europe? You think any of this would have happened if anybody else had been leading the case.

Tony: Stop beating yourself up. We've all lost people in the field. You're a good agent.

EJ: Am I?

Ziva: I know what it's like to lose a team member, especially one you care deeply for. You learn there is no rhyme or reason to dying, good or bad it's just completely out of your hands.

EJ: Agent Levin died because I screwed up.

Ziva: No, Agent Levin died because it was his time. There was nothing you could do about it.

Tony: What do you mean the security camera's not working?

McGee: I told you, Tony, the system's down all over the hotel. It has been for days.

Tony: Isn't that illegal?!

Gibbs: Same M.O.: no fingerprints, the place has been wiped clean.

Tony: How could she just walk out of here and nobody notices?

EJ: Tony.

Tony: Sorry.

EJ: We're all worried about Ziva.

Tony: I know. It's just different for some of us.

(EJ stares at him)

EJ: [looking at Cobb sitting in interrogation] This isn't right. It's too easy.

Tony: He knows where Ziva is. There's nothing easy about it.

EJ: Cobb's playing us.

Tony: Playing Leroy Jethro Gibbs? The guy must have a death wish.

EJ: What does he want?

Tony: Rule 16: If someone thinks they have the upper hand, break it.

Ducky: 'Cause he's no longer about method or clue-trail gamemenship, Mr. Palmer. It's about hurting those responsible for putting him in this situation.

Palmer: Situation?

Gibbs: Operation: Frankenstein.

Vance: Good morning, Mr. Secretary.

Davenport: Like hell it is, Leon. This better be damn important!

Gibbs: Agent's dead. Another critical. I don't know how much more important it can get.

Franks: [Gibbs reads a letter from Franks] Too many years of lighting up finally caught up with me, probie.For 3 decades, I outran every bullet aimed at me. Can't out run this - not with this lungs. Only got a few months left to go. And I plan to live 'em.

Gibbs: Never one to dissapoint. Were you, Mike?

Jarvis: Director Vance, I'm authorizing Agent DiNozzo access to sensitive compartmental information commensurate with a black op. None of your other team members need to know, is that clear?

Vance: Actually Clay, I'm a little concerned.

Jarvis: So an agent is selling top secret information. And they'll need to be dealt with appropriately.

Vance: Mr. Secretary, I'd like to discuss this first.

Jarvis: There's nothing else to talk about... If you are uncomfortable with this, Agent DiNozzo and I can do it without you. [Sec Nav hands DiNozzo a file] Take a look. That's who you're handling. Do whatever it takes. Any questions?

[edit] Season 9

[edit] Nature of the Beast [9.1]

Ziva: I do not know what you are investigating, and I do not need to know, but ever since we lost Levin and Franks and EJ left, NCIS has been through a lot. We have been through a lot. We need some time.

Tony: We. As you in you and me?

Ziva: That's not what I meant.

Tony: Well what did you mean then, Ziva?

Ziva: All I'm saying is, look out for yourself. Please.

Abby: [watching footage of Tony in the bullpen] Okay, he starts to turn the picture over. There!

McGee: Go two frames back. See, that looks like a woman to me.

Abby: No, it doesn't. It looks like a hairy pirate with a mustache!

McGee: You mean Tony's assignment is to kill Johnny Depp?

Ziva: I like Johnny Depp.

Abby: This isn't working.

Ziva: It is too grainy. I cannot see anything.

McGee: I don't feel comfortable doing this.

Abby: I know. We're spying. On family.

Ziva: Well, sometimes we must cross boundaries to protect those we care about.

McGee: Well, hypothetically, what if Ray was Tony's target?

Ziva: Okay, though I am confident it is not Ray, we should prepare ourselves for the unexpected.

McGee: I hope it isn't anyone we know.

Ducky: Mr. Palmer, what do you suppose the SecNav is saying to him? [referring to Director Vance]

Palmer: Well, if I were him I'd be asking how to get blood out of a $200 white dress shirt. See, it's all about oxygenating the stain. My mother used to use club soda, but my uncle preferred Perrier with a dash of -- the incision. They're probably talking about the incision.

Rachel: Why do you think you keep getting involved with dysfunctional women?

Tony: [angrily] What?

Rachel: Well, the women you date are messed up.

Tony: I date all kinds of women!

Rachel: You know, I think you're drawn to them because you want to help them.

Tony: I am drawn to them because usually they're pretty hot!

Rachel: Tony. Admit it. You like hot girls who carry guns.

Tony: Who doesn't like hot girls who carry guns?!

[edit] Restless [9.2]

Tony: How old do you guys think I am?

Ziva: Physically or mentally?

[edit] Penelope's Papers [9.3]

Ducky: [referring to the ringing phone] That's the third time in an hour.

Palmer: I know. I am so sorry. It will not happen again, I promise.

Ducky: There's plenty of time to turn off each other's calls once you're married, Mr. Palmer. I'd advise you not to start before you've even exchanged wedding vows.

Palmer: How did you know it was Breena?

Ducky: You're a man in love. I've been there many times myself. Though not much lately.

Palmer: It's just all this wedding planning stuff has us on edge. She's having a hard time making decisions. I'm just trying to help, and everything I say seems wrong. What should I do?

Gibbs: [walks in] Just give her what she wants.

Palmer: I have no idea what that is.

Gibbs: Welcome to the rest of your life Jim-boy.

Penelope Langston: Agent Gibbs, I always knew my grandson would introduce us, but I could never have imagined it would be like this. You failed to tell me that he is so handsome, Timothy. Great eyes.

Gibbs: Go home, McGee. You can't be professional. Go home.

McGee: Boss, I won't let you treat her like that, she's my grandmother.

Gibbs: She's also the lead witness in a murder investigation. What do you want me to do? Needlepoint my questions?

McGee: Penny had nothing to do with Lieutenant Booth's death.

Gibbs: I never said that!

McGee: What are you going to do? Break her down until she cracks?

Gibbs: Until I am done, Tim! I don't like this any more than you do, I know she's a family member.

McGee: Boss, she means everything to me.

Gibbs: I respect that. This is about murder, a guy is dead. Enough! We find what was in those papers. We find Booth's killer.

McGee: And she's the one that can tell us. She will talk to me.

[McGee walks back into the Interrogation Room; Gibbs smiles and then walks into the observation room]

[edit] Enemy on the Hill [9.4]

McGee: I think we should have waited for Gibbs.

Tony: No time. Sportelli said he was conscious. We don't know for how long. Now listen, when we get in the room you let me do the talking.

McGee: Why?

Tony: The Cooler has evaded the FBI for years. Getting him to tell us who took out the hit on Commander Brett is going to take a deft hand.

McGee: Oh, and that's you? [Tony nods] You didn't even know who The Cooler was until I told you!

Tony: Neither did Ziva!

Ziva: [phone rings] David.

Tony: Can Brett hear you?

Ziva: Yes, of course.

Tony: Are you sitting down?

Ziva: What is it?

Tony: Put on your most Mossad ninja face. No reaction. Brett is George Kaplan. They are one in the same person.

Ziva: [falsely cheerful] Oh really? So what's the plan?

Tony: Gibbs wants you to hang in there until we know more. Don't let him out of your sight, like you did last time?

Ziva: [laughs] Nice. Well, I'll wait for you to call me back then, sweetheart.

Tony: Good luck.

[edit] Safe Harbor [9.5]

Abby: No. You're never going to find the perfect woman for Gibbs.

McGee: How do you know?

Abby: Because he's already found her.

McGee: His first wife. That doesn't mean we can't still try, right?

Abby: It's futile.

Mariam Bawali: You have the wrong man, Ziva.

Ziva: No, you have the wrong man! This journey for freedom is nothing but a way for him to enter this country by using you and your sons!

Mariam: I have lived with him for thirty years. I love him! Nothing changes that.

Ziva: [places a photo of a bombing on the table] This. This changes it.

Mariam: No. No, I don't believe it.

Ziva: Then you are lying to yourself! I mean, you have to know the truth deep down. I mean, you must! Yet you allow him to lie to you. To your children.

Mariam: I am protecting my children.

Ziva: They will resent you for it, Mariam.

Mariam: Perhaps I had suspicions, but have you never turned a blind eye on someone you love?

Ziva: Yes, and it was a mistake.

Gibbs: Ziva, sometimes people do the wrong things for the right reasons.

Ziva: People always think the wrong reasons are right. Especially parents.

Gibbs: Well, they've got perspective.

Ziva: Parents still make mistakes.

Gibbs: Yeah.

Ziva: My mother never told me what kind of man my father was. Perhaps she thought I was not strong enough to handle it.

Gibbs: Nah, she's just being a mother.

Ziva: How do you know?

Gibbs: Perspective.

Ziva: Are you lonely, Gibbs?

Gibbs: You're never alone when you have kids. [kisses Ziva's forehead] 'Night, kid.

[edit] Thirst [9.6]

Ziva: Ugh.

Tony: You know it's too early when there's no one even here to make coffee.

Ziva: Does that mean you made some?

Tony: Oh yeah, and I made some nice muffins too. Get 'em while they're piping hot.

Ziva: You should have got some on the way in.

Tony: Who had the time? I got the pre-dawn wake-up call after a 2:00 A.M. night, no less.

McGee: Anyone know what's up?

Tony: Oh hey, Timmy. Yeah, Gibbs wants to get a jump on Jimmy's bridal registry. Ziva's thinking his and hers salad tongs.

Ziva: At the moment I can think of nothing but coffee.

McGee: The victim is a naval reservist. Lieutenant Jason Simms, 44, from Fairfax. Witnesses say he was swerving all over the road, clearly drunk, pulled off onto the shoulder over there.

Gibbs: Did you get a time?

McGee: A little over three hours ago.

Ducky: Tony? [holds man's wristwatch up so Tony can take a photograph] 4:19 to be precise. The truck tapped his wrist, apparently.

Ziva: Being drunk is one thing, but why would he have crossed the road?

Tony: Suppressing chicken joke in three, two --

Tony: [speaks to woman delivering office mail] Hey there, Jen. You know, you are doing a great job. Keep it up you'll be a special agent in no time.

McGee: A little young, Tony.

Tony: Ease up, Nanny McPheeble. I'm just giving the kid a little vote of confidence.

Ziva: Yeah, McGee. If Tony was flirting he would be complimenting her blouse, not her work ethic.

Tony: See? Ziva knows.

Ziva: What we just witnessed here was a pathetic attempt to cultivate new sources for office gossip.

Tony: That is completely unfair!

Gibbs: Life isn't fair, DiNozzo. That's why we're here.

[edit] Devil's Triangle [9.7]

Ziva: What is going on?

Tony: I found fifteen hairs in my shower drain this morning. I tell you this because you're my friends and I need you. For twelve years, every morning I have counted the hairs in my drain and there have never been more than five. Never more than five. Never!

McGee: Every day?

Ziva: For the last twelve years?

Tony: You say that like it's not normal.

Ziva: Well that is because it's not normal.

Tony: What's not normal is a man of my vim and vigor going bald!

Ziva: Well, bald can be sexy.

Tony: Sure, if you're Connery or Nicholson. Would you date a bald man?

Ziva: I have dated men with thinning hair, yes.

Tony: Haha! Thinning hair, but not -- [makes squeaky noise] -- Baldy McBald. Hi, Special Agent Baldy McBald, want to go to Mount Baldy this weekend to do bald things? Bald!!

Ziva: You two are being ridiculous. Everyone's hair thins. It's barely noticeable! It's not like you're going gray. [realizes Gibbs is standing behind her]

Tony: I'm so glad that wasn't me.

Ziva: [to Gibbs] Gray can be sexy. [watches as Gibbs walks away to answer his phone and shoots Tony a dirty look]

Tony: [whispers] Lucky.

Diane: Would you tell Tobias that I never meant to hurt him?

Gibbs: Oh yeah. He knows. I think.

Diane: I really liked him, but I never should have married him. I didn't love him. Just like you never loved me.

Gibbs: I liked you. I still do.

Diane: But the only woman you'll ever love is Shannon. You were my Shannon, Leroy. [walks away]

[edit] Engaged (Part 1) [9.8]

[dream sequence]

Gibbs: [rolls over in bed to hug Shannon] Looks like morning happened again.

Shannon: What's the plan today?

Gibbs: I'm thinking of going to the hardware store.

Shannon: Have they invented a tool you don't have in that basement of yours?

Gibbs: [smiles] I need supplies.

Shannon: [laughs] That's what I like to hear. I love it when you start something new. What do you have in mind?

Gibbs: I'll let the wood tell me.

Shannon: I hope the wood says rolltop desk. [moves to get out of bed]

Gibbs: [pulls her back] I changed my mind. I'll stay in bed all day with you. The hardware store will be there tomorrow.

Shannon: How are you going to get what you need if you don't let me go?

[Gibbs wakes up on the couch to an empty home]

Ziva: Something's on your mind. I can see your wheels churning.

Tony: Butter churns, David. Wheels turn.

McGee: The witnesses on the ground are telling the same story. There was an explosion and the plane began an immediate descent. [notices Tony's seriousness] What's with him?

Ziva: He's thinking.

Tony: This isn't the case du jour, you know. This is life calling collect saying, "Hey, I'm short. Appreciate me."

Palmer: Perhaps it's time we took a little rest.

Ducky: We will rest when we are dead. Until then, consider John Paul Jones.

Palmer: The Led Zeppelin bassist?

Ducky: No, the naval hero of the American Revolution. He was almost forgotten when he was buried in Paris is 1792. Over a century later President Theodore Roosevelt went to great lengths to locate Jones, exhume his body, and bring him back to America.

Palmer: Home.

Ducky: Precisely. We take great solace in knowing where our heroes are buried.

Gibbs: There. Isolate the background.

Tony: What is that, Farsi?

Ziva: It's Pashtu.

Tony: Number nine on the David language list? Our very own beauty of Berlitz?

Ziva: I think of Pashtu as more of number seven, actually.

[edit] Engaged (Part 2) [9.9]

Tony: I hate libraries.

McGee: Another one of your fears?

Tony: Don't mock me.

McGee: What's to hate about libraries?

Tony: The smell gets me every time.

McGee: Yeah? What does a library smell like?

Tony: Lonely, smart people. [laughs]

Gibbs: People died because of that teacher, marines. What do you think should happen to her?

Lt. Flores: Sir, that's not my decision.

Gibbs: Yeah, but you've thought about it, right?

Lt. Flores: She should be held accountable for her crimes.

Gibbs: Oh.

Lt. Flores: She should watch those girls change the world in positive ways she never imagined.

Gibbs: That a punishment?

Lt. Flores: That's a gift, Sir. Punishment is knowing she could have done the same.

[edit] Sins of the Father [9.10]

Tony: How did it go with my father last night? Where is he?

Gibbs: Autopsy.

Tony: [deadpan] You shot him. I can't say I blame you.

Tony: Hey, Abs. Gibbs sent me down to find out what you found out.

Abby: What are you talking about?

Tony: You know, that thing you're working on for him.

Abby: Tony, I'm not telling you anything about your father's case. My lips are sealed.

Tony: [scoffs] Come on, I'm just doing -- [Abby steps in his way] -- I'm desperate, Abby.

Abby: I'm sorry. [hugs Tony]] Now leave and consider yourself banished.

Tony: [attempts to step around Abby, fails, and picks up a test tube] What's this?

Abby: Your father's urine.

Tony: I'm going.

[edit] Newborn King [9.11]

[edit] Housekeeping [9.12]

Tony: You should cut yourself some slack, EJ. What's the saying? That which does not kills us makes us stronger. I think Nietzsche said that. The thing to remember about Friedrich Nietzsche, of course, is that he died in an insane asylum. That's probably not the best way to start a pep-talk, huh?

EJ: So much for my big plans, huh? What about your plans, Ziva? Beyond NCIS. Family?

Ziva: Maybe, someday. Though that day seems increasingly distant at the moment.

EJ: [holds up her coffee in a toast] To someday.

Ziva: Someday.

EJ: [looking down at a case of guns] All I wanted for breakfast was the coffee.

Tony: Now we're ready for a fair fight.

EJ: Always good to be prepared.

Tony: I've been prepared for months. With Cole on the loose, it's time to bring out some Connery, and I'm paraphrasing: never bring a knife to a gun fight.

EJ: James Bond?

Tony: Untouchables, 1987. Connery won an Academy Award for that.

Tony: You know, one of these days I'd like to actually meet someone who appreciates movies the way I do, or at least appreciates the way I appreciate them.

EJ: She does, Tony.

Tony: Who?

EJ: Ziva.

Tony: [laughs] Agent Ziva David believes that Pirates of the Caribbean is a cinema classic.

EJ: I'm not talking about movies, Tony. I'm talking about you. She cares.

Tony: What's the matter with you? We're co-workers.

EJ: Yeah?

Tony: We're teammates.

EJ: Uh-huh.

Tony: We have each other's back.

EJ: Exactly.

Tony: Huh. Surround yourself with people you would give your own life for.

Ziva: So, EJ is gone?

Tony: And safe, for a change.

Ziva: May I ask where?

Tony: Someplace quiet, with someone she can count on. Hopefully.

Ziva: That is the word, is it not? Hopefully. Even when you think you can count on someone, you often cannot.

Tony: Do I detect a blip on the Ray-dar?

Ziva: I would rather not discuss it.

Tony: Well, since EJ and I parted friends, Agent Cruz seems to have some communication issues.

Ziva: Yeah, and I'm losing my patience.

Tony: As you well should. [walks over to her desk] You know, you and I, we have a lot in common in that respect.

Ziva: [laughs] You think?

Tony: Oh, I don't think. I know.

Ziva: Well, then I am grateful to have someone in my life who is just as romantically dysfunctional as I am.

Tony: Agent David, do you really consider me to be in your life? [Ziva looks down at her mobile phone as it rings] No. Seriously?

Ziva: What should I say?

Tony: Say hello.

Ziva: Oh, Ok

[edit] A Desperate Man [9.13]

Tony: According to Abby's GPS coordinates, the killer was standing over there. Can't see any footprints.

Ziva: Yeah, knew not to leave a trace.

Tony: Yeah, unlike some people. You know, I'm gonna start charging your boyfriend minutes.

Ziva: Please tell me you have not spoken to Ray!

Tony: Okay, I haven't spoken to Ray.

Ziva: Unbelievable! You're supposed to be on my side.

Tony: Now look. The guy's desperate. What am I supposed to do?

Ziva: Just stay out of it!

Tony: Tell me what happened.

Ziva: He does not appreciate me. There.

Tony: If I had a dollar every time a woman said that to me.

Ziva: While he was overseas, you know, we stayed as connected as best as we could. Trying to make whatever we had, you know, just work. Now he was finally back and, uh, we planned this -- this lovely dinner, but he never showed, Tony. I waited in that restaurant, alone, for three hours. No text, no call, nothing. [sighs] When I saw him next, it was the following morning, and then he just said he got caught up with work.

Tony: Well.

Ziva: Look it just brought me back to when I was young how my father could be. There was always something more important and I was always left waiting for a...

Ziva: There's someone there.

Tony: Yeah.

[edit] Life Before His Eyes [9.14]

Tony: [standing at McGee's desk] This is definitely unusual.

Ziva: Unusual is the operative word.

McGee: [walks in out of the elevator] What are you two doing?

Tony: Don't play dumb, Tim. We're trained federal agents. We can see when something's up.

Ziva: And something is definitely up.

McGee: What are you two talking about?

Tony: The two computer monitors on your desk have been swapped. No one just up and changes their viewing angle. Something is up, McAnal Probie.

McGee: My monitors? That's what you're worried about?

Tony: We're not big on change around here.

McGee: Well I thought I would try something a little different today.

Tony: What makes today so special?

Ziva: We know that look, McGee. It is somewhere between melancholy and constipation.

Tony: Consternation.

Ziva: No, I actually meant that his mind looked clogged.

Tony: [going through the trash] This can't be good. He cleaned out his desk, too.

Ziva: [whispers loudly, having seen McGee approach] Albatross! Albatross! [moves quickly to the large monitor, as though working]

Tony: Petty Officer Janet McCaffrey had a spotless record.

Ziva: Two deployments on two different ships: the Ontario and the Gentry.

McGee: [looking on suspiciously] So it's finally happened: you two are snooping together, as a team.

Ziva: We are merely curious and concerned.

Tony: Well, it's nothing you need to know about.

Tony: Computer monitors, clandestine meetings in Vance's office; you're up to something, McDevious. I can tell. Wait a second! Are you finally getting that sex change operation? Good for you, McGee. Or is it McShe? No judgement! I'm proud of you.

McGee: Look, Director Vance offered me a job promotion, okay? As head of the cyber division in Okinawa.

Tony: That's it?

McGee: Yes.

Tony: Well everybody knows that, Tim. Good for you. It's fantastic. You've gotta take that opportunity. The last cyber agent? He's at Microsoft now.

McGee: Yeah, as head of security. The guy's a rockstar.

Tony: Let's not get carried away.

McGee: Why are you being so normal about all this? Your sincerity is disconcerting.

Tony: You prefer I attack you with some kind of sarcastic, hostile remark?

McGee: Sort of, yeah. What do I do?

Tony: It's your choice, but I'd trust my gut. It's what Gibbs would do.

Shannon: Just think of all the cases, all of the lives you've touched, Gibbs. You sacrificed everything to help those people.

Gibbs: But I wanted both.

Shannon: It doesn't work like that.

[edit] Secrets [9.15]

Ziva: [mumbling in Hebrew] Unbelievable!

Tony: You finally saw The Crying Game?

Ziva: No. I got a speeding ticket!

Tony: Oh. You know what that means, McGee.

McGee: The system works.

Ziva: I was barely going over the limit!

McGee: Let me see. [takes the ticket from Ziva's outstretched hand] It says you were doing 80 in a 40.

Ziva: Not the entire time.

Tony: Did you tell them you were a federal agent?

Ziva: Excuse me?

Tony: Well, sometimes if they know they look the other way. [flahes badge] Oh, that's not my wallet!

Ziva: You do that often?

Tony: With one notable exception, I haven't gotten a speeding ticket in seventeen years.

McGee: Or paid for parking at football games.

Tony: It's a gray area. Sometimes I even get my donuts and coffee for free.

Ziva: I do not think Gibbs would approve.

Tony: What Gibbs doesn't know won't hurt him.

Gibbs: What don't I know, DiNozzo?

Tony: Um, Ziva got a speeding ticket! [looks uncomfortable after receiving a disapproving look from Ziva] And I sometimes get coffee for free. But I tip big! All right, let's have it. [receives a smack]

Gibbs: Let's go. Dead Navy captain.

Ziva: Do you ever get the feeling that he enjoys being smacked in the head?

McGee: I'd rather not think about it.

Tony: Sorry, I'm just --

McGee: Really pensive.

Tony: Confused.

McGee: Why, because you made out with your ex-fiance today?

Tony: [scoffs] What are you talking about?

McGee: Lipstick. It's not your color.

Tony: [looks in the mirror] Eagle eye, McGee.

McGee: So what's the problem? She's divorced. You're single.

Tony: The problem is been there, done that. Crash. Burn.

McGee: That bad?

Tony: NTSB is still looking for bodies.

McGee: What happened?

Tony: That's a good question, McGee. You always ask the good questions.

Ziva: [to Tony] That is something Wendy mentioned about you. That you were one of the most honest people she knew. To others. She said the only person you lied to was yourself, which you do. A lot.

Tony: [looking at a heart] It's hard to believe they're so small sometimes.

Ducky: What's on your mind, Tony? You sound a little pensive.

Tony: I'm not pensive! What is it with everyone and that word? [realizes he's shouting] Sorry. I was --

Ducky: Would you like to talk about it?

Tony: You ever have something terrible happen to you and you think you've put it all behind you, but then the terrible comes back and it's more terrible than it was before?

Ducky: I'm confused.

Tony: So am I.

Ducky: Tony, it was very clear to me from the very first day I met you that you were a man in pain.

Tony: [scoffs] I'm sorry, I think you have me confused with someone else.

Ducky: No, your pain is as clear to me as Jethro's. He lost Shannon, the one love of his life, and you lost faith in yourself for so many reasons. Jethro coped with his pain by repeatedly marrying the wrong woman, thus ensuring that ultimately he would be alone and safe from heartbreak. You repeatedly chased the wrong woman. You're alone because you never did as you just said: put it all behind you.

Wendy: I lied to you, Tony.

Tony: About?

Wendy: Why I invited you to lunch. You were wrong. I was not trying to get information for a story. I invited you because I wanted to see you. Your turn.

Tony: Why?

Wendy: Uh, because we're taking turns and now it's your turn.

Tony: No. That is not what I meant and you know it.

Wendy: You want to know why I left.

Tony: I want to know why you said yes to me when the answer was really no. I want to know why you waited until the very last moment to tell me the truth. But most of all, my runaway bride, I would like to know why.

Wendy: Would it make a difference now? If you weren't so sad and so lonely you wouldn't even be wondering.

Tony: [laughs] Sad and lonely? You have me confused with Bosco. You like to see my little black e-book?

Wendy: Show me whatever you like, but it's not going to change what I see with my own eyes. You should tell her how you feel, whoever she is.

Tony: A) That's never going to happen, B) get out of my head, and C) answer the question.

Wendy: I left because I wasn't read to meet "the one", okay? And you were the one.

Tony: That doesn't make any sense.

Wendy: Are you sure? Because from I see you've spent the last nine years avoiding relationships. I was just broken first, which is why I left my hero cop to marry a stockbroker who cared more about money than people. I wasn't read to meet the one when we met, Tony, but I sent you that invitation because I am now.

[edit] Psych Out [9.16]

Tony:Boss local leos outside say there's a woman outside who claims to be the victims doctor.

Gibbs:Let her in.

Tony:Doctor Kates sister.

[edit] Need to Know [9.17]

Tony: [notices Ziva pacing] McGee, what's Ziva doing?

McGee: Memorizing her speech.

Tony: Speech?

McGee: Director Vance volunteered her to speak at a high school career day.

Tony: In what language, Vulcan?

Ziva: I can hear you, Tony. I do not need you making this worse. Back up.

McGee: I think you mean back off.

Tony: Why are you so uptight, Ziva?

Ziva: Public speaking is not my thing. It makes me nervous.

Tony: Nervous? What are you talking about? I've seen you take down armed terrorists without breaking a sweat.

Ziva: I'm trained for that.

[edit] The Tell [9.18]

[edit] The Good Son [9.19]

[edit] The Missionary Position [9.20]

[edit] Rekindled [9.21]

[edit] Playing with Fire [9.22]

Tony: Andiamo, bambina!

Ziva: Dove?

Tony: Gear up! We're leaving for Naples.

Ziva: [giggles] Naples, Italy?

Tony: Si. I'm going home to grab some clothes. You should do the same. We're hopping the military flight from Andrews Air Force Base.

Ziva: Is this one of your practical jokes?

Tony: Nope, Gibbs orders.

Andre Fullerton: Shouldn't someone be reading me my rights?

Gibbs: You have no rights! You're a terrorist on a U.S. Navy vessel, and we're invoking the PATRIOT Act.

Gibbs: Not enough, enjoy Cuba.

[edit] Up In Smoke [9.23]

Palmer: You guys, just give me one hint as to what Abby has planned. It is my bachelor party, okay? I have a right to know.

Tony: Sorry. She swore us to secrecy, and she scares me more than you.

Palmer: God. I think I made a big mistake making her my best man.

McGee: Relax, Jimmy. Everything is fine. Just make sure you're up on your hepatitis vaccinations.

Palmer: Hepatitis?

Tony: And get a good pair of knee pads.

McGee: And a good helmet.

Palmer: [laughs nervously] You guys are messing with me.

Tony: Are we? Two words.

McGee: Abby Sciuto.

Tony: I'm telling you, Ryan was there.

Ziva: So what if she was? I was happy to gossip when things were just getting started, but now that they are a couple I think we should just back off.

Tony: How are you not interested in other people's private lives?

[edit] Till Death Do Us Part [9.24]

Tony: Please, who really likes weddings anyway?

Ziva: There's nothing good about them.

Tony: Weird uncles making inappropriate toasts.

Ziva: Rubbery chicken enhanced by cheap wine.

Tony: Cheesy music and children. Rental tuxedos.

Ziva: The bouquet, the garter, the cake --

Tony: The fittings.

Ziva: The fittings. The fittings! We're not even to the actual ceremony yet.

Tony: The vows.

Ziva: The ring.

Tony: The kiss.

Ziva: The ketubah.

Tony: I don't even know what I'd do if I had to deal with all of that.

Ziva: Elope?

Gibbs: Yeah, well, it worked for me.

Tony: [after having evacuated the Navy Yard] That's everybody. You go, Ziva.

Ziva: No, I'm not going without you!

[edit] Cast

Mark Harmon - Special Agent in Charge Leroy Jethro Gibbs

Michael Weatherly - Senior Special Agent Anthony "Tony" DiNozzo

Cote de Pablo (2005-Present) - Special Agent Ziva David (Former Mossad liaison Officer)

Sean Murray - Special Agent Timothy McGee

Pauley Perrette - Forensic Specialist Abigail "Abby" Sciuto

David McCallum - Medical Examiner Dr. Donald "Ducky" Mallard

Brian Dietzen (2004-Present) - Assistant Medical Examiner Jimmy Palmer

Rocky Carroll (2008-Present) - NCIS Director Leon Vance

Joe Spano - FBI Special Agent Tobias Fornell

Sasha Alexander (2003-2005) - Special Agent Caitlin "Kate" Todd

Lauren Holly (2005-2008) - NCIS Director Jennifer "Jenny" Shepard

Alan Dale (2003-2005) - NCIS Director Tom Morrow

[edit] External links

Wikipedia has an article about:

NCIS (TV series)

Navy NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service quotes at the Internet Movie Database
NCIS Episode Guide - TV.com

NCIS (TV series)

Contents

[edit] JAG Pilot Episodes

[edit] Ice Queen

[edit] Meltdown

[edit] Season 1

[edit] Yankee White [1.1]

[edit] Hung Out To Dry [1.2]

[edit] Seadog [1.3]

[edit] The Immortals [1.4]

[edit] The Curse [1.5]

[edit] High Seas [1.6]

[edit] Sub Rosa [1.7]

[edit] Minimum Security [1.8]

[edit] Marine Down [1.9]

[edit] Left For Dead [1.10]

[edit] Eye Spy [1.11]

[edit] My Other Left Foot [1.12]

[edit] One Shot, One Kill [1.13]

[edit] The Good Samaritan [1.14]

[edit] Enigma [1.15]

[edit] Bete Noire [1.16]

[edit] The Truth Is Out There [1.17]

[edit] UnSEALed [1.18]

[edit] Dead Man Talking [1.19]

[edit] Missing [1.20]

[edit] Split Decision [1.21]

[edit] A Weak Link [1.22]

[edit] Reveille [1.23]

[edit] Season Two

[edit] See No Evil [2.1]

[edit] The Good Wives Club [2.2]

[edit] Vanished [2.3]

[edit] Lt. Jane Doe [2.4]

[edit] The Bone Yard [2.05]

[edit] Terminal Leave [2.6]

[edit] Call of Silence [2.7]

[edit] Heart Break [2.8]

[edit] Forced Entry [2.9]

[edit] Chained [2.10]

[edit] Black Water [2.11]

[edit] Doppelgänger [2.12]

[edit] The Meat Puzzle [2.13]

[edit] Witness [2.14]

[edit] Caught on Tape [2.15]

[edit] Pop Life [2.16]

[edit] An Eye for an Eye [2.17]

[edit] Bikini Wax [2.18]

[edit] Conspiracy Theory [2.19]

[edit] Red Cell [2.20]

[edit] Hometown Hero [2.21]

[edit] SWAK [2.22]

[edit] Twilight [2.23]

[edit] Season Three

[edit] Kill Ari: Part 1 [3.1]

[edit] Kill Ari: Part 2 [3.2]

[edit] Mind Games [3.3]

[edit] Silver War [3.4]

[edit] Switch [3.5]

[edit] The Voyeur's Web [3.6]

[edit] Honor Code [3.7]

[edit] Under Covers [3.8]

[edit] Frame-Up [3.9]

[edit] Probie [3.10]

[edit] Model Behavior [3.11]

[edit] Boxed In [3.12]

[edit] Deception [3.13]

[edit] Light Sleeper [3.14]

[edit] Head Case [3.15]

[edit] Family Secret [3.16]

[edit] Ravenous [3.17]

[edit] Bait [3.18]

[edit] Iced [3.19]

[edit] Untouchable [3.20]

[edit] Bloodbath [3.21]

[edit] Jeopardy [3.22]

[edit] Hiatus: Part 1 [3.23]

[edit] Hiatus: Part 2 [3.24]

[edit] Season 4

[edit] Shalom [4.1]