NCIS (TV series)

From Wikiquote
Jump to: navigation, search

NCIS (2003–) is a CBS network television series about a team of special agents from the Naval Criminal Investigative Service that investigates any crime involving personnel or dependants in the United States Navy or Marine Corps.

Contents

JAG Pilot Episodes[edit]

NOTE: Before being launched as its own series, NCIS was featured as a two part episode in Season 8 of the Series JAG

Ice Queen[edit]

Ducky: Agent Blackadder reminds me of a young woman I autopsied once.
Gibbs: [looking at the body] When'd she die?
Ducky: Oh, gosh, in Hollywood. Let's see, it's got to be at least 20 years ago. She was an assistant film editor and the film editor's wife caught them in flagrante delicto--
Gibbs: [interrupting] This one, Ducky. When did this one die?

Gibbs: Cause of death?
Ducky: Well, it wasn't the arrow.

Tony: [refering to the Caf Pow] Is that number 2 or 3 today?
Abby: If you must know, it's number 4.
Tony: [holds up evidence bag] I brought you a present.
Abby: [smiles] And you wonder why you're still single.

Tony: You redecorating?
Abby: I thought I'd brighten the place up a bit.
Tony: You take these?
Abby: Yeah, that's a cross section of what a 12 gauge did to an L3 to L5.
Tony: Shotgun-shattered backbone?
Abby: Ya, the middle one there is a cross section of an icepick to a cerebellum.
Tony: [grimaces, then looks at another picture] Duodenum?
Abby: Yeah; I like to call it "Duodenum with a lye chaser". It's a sad end of a Drano drinker.
Tony: You need to get out more, Abby.
Abby: Is that an invite?

Abby: [lifting a fingerprint for the victim's car] Let your fingers do the talking. [to Tony] Why'd they tow it?
Tony: It was abandoned in a lot at Great Falls. Any of those finger prints big enough to be a man's?
Abby: Yep. Whoever was riding shotgun.
Tony: How fast can you run 'em?
Abby: Usually about 12 hours, but for dinner...
Tony: Get me an ID in two, and I'll make it Cafe Alantico.
Abby: Sweet.

[Gibbs and Rabb are in the interrogation room at NCIS headquarters]
Gibbs: You're more comfortable asking questions than you're answering them.
Rabb: Guess I'm not used to being a suspect.
Gibbs: Suspect? You said you were a suspect. Have I read you your Article 31 rights?
Rabb: No you haven't. Which means you're playing a very risky game, Gunny.
Gibbs: I'm not smart enough to play risky games with a lawyer of your caliber, Rabb.
Rabb: That's Commander Rabb. Or Commander. Or Sir, Gunny. I believe as a reservist, you're still technically in the Marine Corps.
Gibbs: [calmly] I'm an NCIS special agent. I don't have to salute you or "sir" you or give you any military courtesy. But you know that. So who's playing the games here?
[Silence]

[Vivian is reading Rabb his rights]
Rabb: I know my Article 31 rights, and I waive them.
[she continues reading them]
Rabb: I said I waive them.
Gibbs: She used to be FBI.

Meltdown[edit]

Rabb: There are enough holes in this case to raise reasonable doubt.
Lt. Cmdr. Coleman: There is also enough evidence to tie you to the murders and a string of witnesses. Your colleagues will testify to angry words between you and Lieutenant Singer right up to the time of her death.
Rabb: Well, it could be worse, I guess.
Coleman: How?
Rabb: I could not have an alibi.
Coleman: [in annoyance] You have an alibi?
Rabb: No.

[Ducky is telling his findings in court]
Major McBurney: What else did you discover?
Ducky: On her left buttock, I found a tattoo of a stalking leopard. Majestic. Brilliant. I've only seen one other like it: on a tango dancer in Buenos Aires who died of dehydration. I was on sabbatical at the ti--
McBurney: [interrupts] Doctor, I was asking about Lieutenant Singer.
Ducky: She wasn't in Buenos Aires...

Coleman: Doctor isn't it possible that the LT's injuries were a result of an accidental fall?
Ducky: [very seriously] Well the railing is very high. It's quite unlikely. Unless the LT's unconscious body levitated and dropped over the side. I've heard--
Coleman: [cutting him off] Thank you Doctor.

[after finding Commander Rabb's name on the hat]
Abby: If the hat does fit, you can't acquit.
[both lawyers give Abby a funny look]
Abby: Oh, come on; one of you would have said it if you had thought of it first.

Vivian: I'm sorry, I almost blew it.
Gibbs: [disapprovingly] Almost?
Tony: I still like you.

Season 1[edit]

Yankee White [1.1][edit]

Note: Agent Caitlin "Kate" Todd began the first episode as an agent with the United States Secret Service. A navy officer died while on board Air Force One and she was the Special Agent in Charge. Todd resigned the Secret Service at the end of the first episode and in the second episode joined NCIS.


Gibbs: We're LEO's.
TSA Agent Dennis: Ah, I'm a Capricorn.
Tony: LEO, short for Law Enforcement Officer.
Gibbs: Are you... new at this, Dennis?
Dennis: First week! [checks their papers] N-C-I-S. Never heard of it.
Gibbs: [to Tony] Now that's embarrassing.
Dennis: NCIS? That anything like CSI?
Tony: Only if you're dyslexic.

Tony: Gibbs, the pilot won't take off until the Secret Service chick gives us the... [sees Kate with Gibbs] ... thumbs up.
Kate: I think that just made it my team.
Gibbs: No, means I'm gonna have to hijack Air Force One. Tony, escort Agent Todd off this aircraft and close the hatch.
Kate: You're not serious! Wait. Fine. Your team. But just because I don't want to have to delay us any further by having to shoot you.

Tony: Excuse me. You'll need to stand clear so I can take measurements for my crime scene sketches. Thanks.
Kate: Sketches? You've taken a dozen photos.
Tony: [Picks up a men's magazine] Tell me her measurements.
Kate: You're pathetic.
Tony: No, I'm serious. Can you tell if she's 5'4 and a 34C or 5'7 and a 36D? You can't. Not from a photo. That's why we do sketches and take measurements. Thanks.
[Later]
Ducky: I thought your photo analysis was brilliant, Tony, but isn't 36D a bit of wishful thinking?
Tony: You think?

Gibbs: NCIS does not leak. These plans get out... you can shoot DiNozzo.
Kate: No, I think I'm destined to shoot you.

Gibbs: Rule Number One: Never let suspects stay together.
Gibbs: Rule Number Two: Always wear gloves at a crime scene.
Gibbs: Rule Number Three: Don't believe what you're told. Always double check.
Kate: Should I write these rules on my Palm Pilot, or crochet them on pillows?

Abby: What are you going to do while I test for poison in a health snack?
Tony: I'll wait.
Abby: There's a futon under the desk.
Tony: Bless you.
Abby: What are you, my priest?
Tony: Curse you?

Gibbs: [to Todd] You mind if I tag along? Please?
Abby: Wow, Gibbs said please!

Gibbs: You enjoyed playing my boss?
Ducky: I did rather.
Gibbs: What can you tell me about the victim?
Ducky: Good grief Gibbs! I've only just met the man!
Kate: (reappearing) Who the hell are you people? (puts her hand on the holster then says to Gibbs) YOu're no M.E Assistant! (to Ducky) And there's not a soft-shelled crab for at least a hundred miles!
Ducky: (to Gibbs) Sorry!
Gibbs: (flashes badge) We're NCIS. We came to take control of the investigation.
Kate: (sighs) First the FBI tries to muscle in...now NCIS!
Gibbs: Okay you can be on my team!
Kate: Your team? Why should you have lead on the investigation?
Gibbs: Well...I do believe this is a dead naval officer!
Kate: Who died on Air Force One after having lunch with the President...it's my job to protect!
Gibbs: Have ever worked a crime scene?
Kate: I am in the Secret Service!
Gibbs: I thought so!
Kate: Well don't dismiss me like that! I mean I earned my jock strap!
Gibbs: Yeah? Did it ever give you that empty feeling?
Kate: What?
Gibbs: (subtle flirting) Your jock strap!
Kate: (smiling) No! Like some species of frog (subtle flirting) I grow what I need!

Hung Out To Dry [1.2][edit]

Gibbs: How long to find the acid and check out the rest of the chutes?
Abby: Well, I'm flying solo, so at least a day.
Gibbs: Go faster if you had an assistant?
Abby: Oh, Definitely.
Gibbs: Okay, you got the job.
Kate: I get to do forensics?
Gibbs: No, you get to schlep for Abby, she gets to do forensics.

Tony: Why didn't you take to me this fast?
Abby: You're like a piercing, Tony. It takes awhile for the throbbing to stop and the skin to grow back.
Tony: That's more than I wanted to know.

Abby: Sulfuric acid. That'd chew the shine off a trailer hitch.
Kate: How'd you get into this stuff?
Abby: Filled out an application.
Kate: I mean...forensics.
Abby: Oh, uh, when I was kid we used to live by this lot where hey brought all the burned out hulks from the gnarliest car wrecks. I used to sneak in at night and take pictures. It wasn't about the gore. It was about figuring out how things happened. You know, like action, reaction, the science of the whole thing. I got hooked. How about you?
Kate: Actually, I wanted to be a lawyer. I did a...a year in law school. It felt like ten years in prison.
Abby: With really boring inmates? (Kate laughs)"
Abby: Admit it. You just like strapping on a gun.
Kate: More than one.
Abby: Really? You packing more heat than meets the eye?
Kate: Those your only tattoos?
Abby: You show me yours, I'll show you mine. (Kate chuckles)

Tony: My dad gave me a powersander for my birthday. I don't really powersand much.You're welcome to it.
Gibbs: Besides that bare bulb and that plug going to that idiot box do you see a power cord anywhere around here?
Tony: You use hand tools, huh?
Gibbs: I use my hands.

Tony: Jumping's gotta be so cool.
Gibbs: Hey. You wanna play paratrooper? Pay $180 dollars and take your class like all those other weekend warriors.
Tony: Yeah, I have so many weekends free.

Kate: How'd you get into NCIS?
Tony: I smiled.

Corporal Brinkman: Why are you jumping with us, Sir?
Tony: I always wanted to jump. Agent Gibbs came along to laugh.
Corporal Dafelmair: Hard to belive Dave killed Thumper over a lousy two week suspension, Sir.
Gibbs: Yeah.
Brinkman: Thumper rode him, Sir, but no more than the rest of us. It just doesn't make sense.
Tony: Oh no!
Gibbs:What? Chickening out?
Tony: Thirteen. It's my first jump and my reserve number is number Thirteen.
Gibbs: Wouldn't of bothered thumper would it guys? (Brinkman and Dafelmair look at each other)
Gibbs: Either of you superstitious?
Brinkman and Dafelmair: No, Sir.
Gibbs: Great. Why don't you swap with Corporal Brinkman?
Tony: What's your reserve chute number?
Brinkman: Four.
Tony: Four? No, four's unlucky in China.
Gibbs: We're not in China.
Tony: I don't care. What's your number?
Marine: Eight.
Tony: Great. Eight's lucky in China.
Gibbs: There a problem?
Dafelmair: No, Sir.

Gibbs: Hey, Cap.
Captain Faul: Aren't you alittle old to re-up?
Gibbs: I hear there's a war on.
Faul: Agent DiNozzo. I can't tell if you'reenlistin' or just listin'.
Tony: Haha. That's a good one.
Gibbs: We're going with you boys. NCIS training mission.
Capt. Faul: Now why don't I believe that? Hell, why not. Hate to pass up an opportunity to toss a couple of NCIS agents out of a plane.

Tony: Look who I found. MPs weren't gonna let her pass.
Kate: I've got my SIG and badge, but HQ didn't issue my photo ID. Oh my, God. Is this for real?
Ducky: Unfortunately, my dear, it is.
Gibbs: (Hands Kate gloves) Put 'em on.
Ducky: Huh, your first crime scene with us, Caitlin.
Kate: What about Air Force One?
Ducky: Doesn't count, you were in the Secret Service. Hey, Tony, take a team photo for posterity.
Gibbs: Forget posterity. The sun's gonna be up soon. Welcome to NCIS. [hands Kate a pair of shoes]
Kate: How did you know my size?
Gibbs: Put 'em on. You can't work a field in high heels. [smiles]
Tony: Depends on the kind of work you're doing.
Kate: Your mind, DiNozzo, runs the gamut from "X" to triple "X".
Tony: Yeah?

Kate: Thanks, DiNozzo.
Tony: Hey, you could be the NCIS poster girl in that outfit.

Captain Faul: Why didn't you just ask to see my key?
Gibbs: Agent Todd is new. Just teaching her how to interrogate!
Captain: Wait. You suspected me! That's why you wanted to know what I'd been doing all day!
Kate: If the Captain was a suspect...wouldn't we have read him his rights?
Gibbs: Very good Agent Todd! Great!

Gibbs: It's just a lump of dead skin!
Kate: Well there's an armed forces registry. All their DNA would be on file!
Gibbs: That was created to identify bodies ONLY!
Kate: Well there's gotta be a way around that!
Gibbs: Now you're thinking like an NCIS agent! (Kate smiles at him and bites her lip)

Abby: You're looking at infrared of Bolivia's Best!
Gibbs: Cocaine?
Tony: The killer's using it?
Abby: Oh no way! The rock's too pure! This is probably from the cutting and the weighing!
Kate: Why don't I think that Thumper was killed cause of Cpl Ramsey's rigging?

Tony: What happened to "The Sad End of a Drano Drinker"?
Abby: I did a new one!
Tony: It was my favourite!
Abby: Art can't stand still Tony!
Tony: So what's this one?
Abby: "Self Inflicted ShotGun Wound to the Abdomen"!
Tony: Of course!
Abby: I think I've got a theme like with my "ShotGun Shattered BackBone" I've got like a Chagal feeling going on!
Tony: Like in a Manson family way!
Abby: Yeah!

Seadog [1.3][edit]

[Tony is reading off a list of potential cases to Gibbs]
Kate: He's been searching for a case, any case, since I came in.
Tony: [reading from an e-mail] "All agents not working active cases are to attend the sexual harassment lecture at the NCIS human resource training center at 0930 hours today."
Gibbs: [deadpan] I cannot sit through another one of those. I will shoot myself.
Kate: You mean they train you guys how to harass? [Gibbs turns and looks at her] Hey, I'm kidding, except for Tony.
Tony: For the last time, Kate, I was only trying to get my seatbelt on.

Ducky: [angrily to Tony] That man is an imbecile! He shouldn't be a school crossing guard!

Gerald: You shoved a French cop off a cliff?
Ducky: There was a lake below!
Gibbs: Sixty feet below.

Kate: I was in the Secret Service, we tend to get all hot and bothered over large numbers of $100 bills.
Tony: Is that what does it for you?
Kate: What does it for me, Tony, is a mystery you will never find out. [smiles and walks away]
Tony: I know the answer.... Grant.
Gibbs: [mutters to himself] Why do I feel like a high school principal?
Tony: I don't know!

Tony: [about to send drug kingpins to Gitmo as suspected terrorists] You do not have the right to remain silent. You do not have the right to an attorney. If you want an attorney, you won't get an appointment to see one. Do you understand these rights you don't have?

Abby: [while watching video of a terrorists van] Are we submitting to the Sundance Film Festival?
Tony: Yeah, best terrorist film category.
Abby: Sweet.

Tony: Well that gives you a warm fuzzy feeling doesn't it?
Gerald: What?
Tony: That Gibbs trusts us with a contaminated crime scene.

Tony: I feel like I just kissed my sister.
Abby: I didn't know you had a sister Tony.
Tony: I don't. I was fantasizing.
Abby: I need music to do that.

Gerald: It moved!
Ducky: Remind me to check our inventory of alcohol swabs!
Gerald: It moved, Doc!
Ducky: Well he was certainly dead on the beach!

Gibbs: Well, we might get lucky
Kate: (typing on her laptop) No-one's that lucky!
Gibbs: We are
Kate: He could be a service man doing his job!
Gibbs: (as the terrorist starts shooting he yells) No, I don't think so!

The Immortals [1.4][edit]

Tony: No boss, you don't understand. I love Puerto Rico.
Kate: Been there a lot?
Tony: [excited at the beginning...trailing off at the end] No that's just it, I've never been there... I mean I'm so wanting to go. Ever since I was a kid I was just...so wanting...sorry...I just always...
Gibbs: [deadpan] Wanted to be there.
Tony: Yeah.

Master Chief Petty Officer: If you need anything--
Gibbs: I won't hesitate. [MCPO leaves]
Kate: Why didn't that sound sincere.
Gibbs: You get used to it. They either stonewall or kiss-ass. To them, we're the internal affairs of the Navy.
Kate: So basically, they hate us.
Tony: Noooooooooo........... [he and Gibbs look at each other] Pretty much.

Ducky: Well if you'll excuse me, I'll get our poor seaman out of his wet clothes.
Tony: You're not going to say, and into a dry Martini, are you?

Tony: [to Gibbs] When you're a computer geek invading dungeons and fighting ogres, Jethro doesn't cut it. [look from Gibbs] ... Neither does Tony.

Tony: Aren't you guys interested at all in what I brought you back from Puerto Rico?
Gibbs and Kate: [sighing] Sure. Fine.
[Tony grins and hands them a couple bags, Kate looks in hers]
Kate: You gotta be kidding.
Tony: A bikini. Two-piece.
Kate: A bottom. And a hat??
Tony: Puerto Rican!
Gibbs: Any chance you're going to try that on?
Kate: [tosses it at Gibbs] You first.
Gibbs: [looks over the bikini bottom] Trust me. It's not gonna fit.
Kate: Pigs. I work with pigs.
Tony: [as Gibbs is opening his gift] It's a fantasy RPG book. Complete with character sheets and dice. Baby steps, Gibbs. Baby steps.
Gibbs: It's in Spanish.
Tony: There's just no pleasing you, is there?

The Curse [1.5][edit]

Tony: The golf clubs belonged to his RIO, Lt. Lynch.
Kate: RIO?
Tony: Radar Intercept Officer. Also called a GIBs, one B - short for guy in back.
Kate: [to Gibbs] What do you need two B's for?
Gibbs: Second one's for bastard.

Tony: That's kinda touching, Gibbs, remembering the day you hired me.
Gibbs: Yeah, well, it seemed like a good idea at the time.

Gibbs: If that thing came off an aircraft, someone filed a TFOA report for it.
Kate: TFOA?
Tony: Things falling off aircraft.
Kate: You're kidding.
Gibbs: Nope. Navy keeps records on that sort of thing, all the way back to biplanes.

Ducky: You know post mortem details can be extremely revealing. Remember that case four years ago, where the young Marine was buried in an anthill up to his neck?
Gibbs: Duck. It was eight years ago. [Points to a body in the morgue] How did he die?
Ducky: No, it can't be eight years. No, I know it wasn't! Four years ago your third wife hit you over the head with a baseball bat. I distinctly remember the ant-eaten Marine on that table there when I stitched you up.

Abby: Sailor on the half-shell!
Ducky: Oh, Abby, please...
Abby: Sorry.

Gibbs: How could she not know?
Randy: We met at Mark's memorial service.
Gibbs: What'd you say? 'I was passing by, dug the music, decided to drop in?'

High Seas [1.6][edit]

Gibbs's voicemail: Gibbs. Talk.
Stan Burley's voicemail message: Gibbs! Stan Burley. Put down whatever the hell you're doing with that stupid boat and pick up! I'm working a case on the Enterprise. Sure could use some help on this one. Really could use your help Boss.

Tony: Five years with Gibbs; I'm amazed the guy didn't end up in a straight jacket.
Gibbs: [on phone] What was that?
Tony: Nothing, boss. Just praising your communication skills.

[Gibbs and Tony, with Kate behind, are making their way to the plane]
Tony: Just accept the fact that you're gonna get lost.
Kate: Why do you assume I'm going to?
Tony: Because everyone does. [Gibbs looks back at Kate] A carrier's a big and confusing place first time on board.
Kate: Duly noted.
Gibbs: Numbers are stenciled on the bulkhead. First one tells you the deck level, they're called bullseyes.
Kate: Deck level.
Gibbs: Second one, the frame number. Third tells the compartment's position in relation to the ship's center line. Last letter tells you what the space is used for.
Tony: Crossing from port to starboard to starboard to port isn't as simple as going straight across.
Gibbs: Sometimes you gotta go up one deck and down another.
Tony: Or down one deck and up another.
Gibbs: Sometimes two.
'Tony: Frustrating.
Gibbs: Not to mention confusing. [smiles at Kate] But you'll get the hang of it.
[Kate is looking confused and overwhelmed]
Tony: After you get lost a few times.
[Kate nervously looks on]

Gibbs: Ya know what, I'm trying to help you out here, Petty Officer. You try to float this story at your court martial hearing, they will laugh your ass all the way to Leavenworth!

Kate: Petty Officer!
Sailor: Ma'am?
Kate: You just came out of the urinaloger's office!
Sailor: I hope not! I just had a haircut in there!
Kate: (downhearted) Go on! Tell me how many bulk heads, passage ways and corridoors in to go to traverse there!
Sailor: It's right next door!
Kate: Of course it is! Thank you (pissed off) Petty Officer!

Tony: For a crew that doesn't do drugs, you guys sure do a lot of drugs.

Ducky: [to Gerald after reenacting a death] You're supposed to be dead!

Kate: All I'm saying is that... things on the surface are not always the same as when you put them in context with the way they actually developed, you know, under the surface, kinda.
Tony: I have no idea what you said.
Kate: Neither do I. But the intent was sincere.

Gibbs: Above his mattress, below his mattress, inside his mattress. If there’s such a thing as a fourth mattress dimension, go over that too.

Tony: You know, in the two years I've worked for Gibbs, he's never shaken my hand once. Never.
Burley: I was in the office two years before he even looked me in the eye.
Tony: Really!
Burley: Three years before he called me by name, four till he got it right. By then I'd actually gotten used to "Steve". [Burley and Tony laugh] He must really like you.

Sub Rosa [1.7][edit]

Kate: [after she spills Gibbs' coffee] What do you put in your coffee?
Gibbs: Coffee.
Kate: Okay...I'll...just go down the hall and get you another cup.
Gibbs: That's...not coffee.
[after Gibbs storms out]
Tony: [to Kate with a worried look] I've never experienced Gibbs without his morning coffee. We're in uncharted waters here, Kate.

[A group of environmental activists are outside the base protesting the use of sonar]
Gibbs: Whale-huggers?
Guard: Yes, sir. Been doing this for weeks.
Gibbs: Why don't you just shoot them?
Guard: I'd be tempted.

Timothy McGee: I've heard stories about Special Agent Gibbs.
Tony: [smiles] Only half of them are true...the trick is figuring out which half.

Gibbs: Let's pay a visit to the submarine squadron commander. [walks away]
McGee: You'll wanna avoid Captain Veech.
Gibbs: [stops in his tracks, turns to McGee] What?
McGee: Um, I met him once before...um, he can be very difficult.
[Gibbs walks towards McGee]
Gibbs: [into McGee's face] And you don't think I could be difficult?
McGee: [intimidated] I'm sure you can, sir.
[Kate and Tony smile at each other]

Kate: [rants to Gibbs] What is this? Victorian England? The men with their cigars and brandy while the ladies sip tea in another room? To replace me because I shave my legs and not my face is unconscionable and certainly not in the best interests of the case.
Gibbs: [calmly] You claustrophobic?
Kate: No.
Gibbs: [smiles] Good. [walks away]
Kate: I'm going?!
Tony: Don't forget to wax.

Gibbs: (puts a bottle of water in front of Kate) Drink.
Kate: What's with all the water?
Gibbs: You got to stay hydrated on a submarine!
Kate: All you've had me doing is hydrating!
Gibbs: Drink it! (after she has drunk a mouthful) So how's your bladder?
Kate: (shocked at her boss asking her that) What?
GIbbs: The COB's at the end of the passageway keeping an eye on us! You've got to distract him! (she looks at him in a way to say "carry on") You're gonna need help working the toilet!
Kate: Gibbs...
Gibbs: Kate. On a submarine it's a very complicated piece of machinery!
Kate: Is that why you've been hoving water down my throat for the past hour?
Gibbs: I want to check out Petty Officer Thompson!
Kate: Well you don't have to drown me you could just ask!
Gibbs: Hydrating's good for ya. Go un-hydrate!
Kate: (turns to face him) I've never heard it caled that before!
Gibbs: (shooing her out the door, whispers) Go on!

[after DiNozzo throws a rock through a window to illegally gain entrance to a house]
McGee: That's breaking and entering.
Tony: No. That was breaking... and this is entering.

Kate: [after an emergency blow to the surface aboard a submarine] Wow...
Gibbs: Yeah, that's what they all tell me.

Tony: Listen kid, I don't want to hurt your feelings, but you're not exactly Abby's type.
McGee: I've taken care of that. Remember that urge you were talking about?
Tony: [nods] 
McGee: I went with Mom.
Tony: [stands there in shock, realizing McGee just got a tattoo on his butt to impress Abby] 
[Later]
Kate: I wonder what he said to make Tony speechless?
Gibbs: He told him he got a tat on his ass.
Kate: [Gapes at the elevator McGee just entered]

Minimum Security [1.8][edit]

[Tony runs into Gibbs in the elevator and accidentally spills his coffee]
Gibbs: [sternly] You had better have a good reason for spilling my coffee.
Tony: I do. [frantically wiping Gibbs' shirt] I booked us on the first, uh-- [Gibbs smacks Tony's hand] flight to Gitmo tomorrow...
Gibbs: Unbook it.
Tony: Haha! I knew it!
Gibbs: Navy's giving us a priority ride today.
Tony: You mean it? [Gibbs looks at him] You do mean it. Normally I hate priority rides, but who cares if it's going to...
Gibbs: What's wrong with priority rides?
Tony: C'mon boss. You tellin' me you like sitting on canvas seats slung between cargo pallets?
Gibbs: Yeah, it makes me feel like I'm back in the Corps.
[Later]
Tony: [laughs, while on a Gulfstream jet] I love priority rides. Boss, this is the best!
Gibbs: I miss canvas seats.

Gibbs: Did I say both of you?
Kate: Well, you didn't not say both of us, Gibbs.
Tony: Yes, she's kinda got a point there, boss.

Tony: [flirtatiously] Miss me?
Paula Cassidy: Like herpes.

Abby: Perfume is expensive, Gibbs. I can't just hang out at the Macy's tester tray with my lab kit. They frown on that sort of behavior.
[Later on in the investigation]
Abby: Perfume is the most powerful accessory a woman can wear.
Gibbs: How much did all this power cost us?
Abby: Around fifteen hundred.
Gibbs: Fifteen hundred DOLLARS???

Tony: [naked, to an Iguana that crawled into bed with him, with gun drawn] Halt!
[Kate and Gibbs hear him and rush in the room, guns drawn until noticing what happened]
Kate: [speechless]
Gibbs: I need coffee.

Tony: I think Sa'id copied Paula's key without her knowing it. 
Gibbs: Now which brain is thinking that, DiNozzo?
Tony: (visibly angry with Gibbs) I'm hitting the rack. 

Abby: Something's wrong. The files are too big.
Ducky: [chuckles] Not just the files.

Abby: My cursor has moved across places that would make Tony blush.

Gibbs: Why is that women always want to fix what doesn't need fixing?
Kate: Makes us feel all warm inside.
Gibbs: So does scotch, but it doesn't cost you a house.

Tony: No!
Kate: It's the only room with a bath! Men take showers and women take baths!
Tony: Why does the woman thing come up when the ship is sinking? (sarcastically) Or when there's one room with a bath!
[Gibbs heads for the room with the bathtub that Kate and Tony were fighting over and throws Kate and Tony's bags into the hallway.]
Gibbs: Talk to ya mañana!

Marine Down [1.9][edit]

Tony: Gibbs'll get in. He's got clearance that'll let him see the dead aliens buried in Area 51.
Kate: Because he probably killed them.

Kate: What's your clearance?
Tony: Confidential.
Kate: Confidential? What'd you do? Kill someone in high school?
Tony: Hah. Funny, Kate. They screwed up my paperwork with another agent.
Gibbs: Yeah, DiNozzo died in a car crash last month. Very tragic.
Tony: They yanked my clearance and now I have to take a physical to get it back.
Kate: Why is that?
Tony: To prove that I'm still alive.

[At the shooting range Gibbs tapes Tony's hat on his target]
Tony: [protesting] Ah c'mon, boss. I've been breaking that cap in for three months. I love that cap.
Kate: Then don't shoot it.
Gibbs: [takes Kate's PDA from her pocket] Back this up? [tapes Kate's PDA to her target]
Kate: [protests] Ah, no no no, Gibbs. Come on, my whole life is in that thing.
Gibbs: [smiles] Then don't shoot it. [walks away]
Kate: [to Tony] If we screw this up, I have a suggestion.
Tony: What?
Kate: We break into Gibbs' basement and set the boat on fire.
Tony: That's cold, Kate. I knew there was a reason I liked you.
Gibbs: Fire. Let's see how you do under pressure.
[Kate and Tony fire some shots before Gibbs gets a call to a crime scene]
Tony: I'll bring the lighter fluid.
Kate: Deal.
[Later in the squad room]
Abby: Very cool. Where can I get one of these? [admires Tony's bullet hole ridden cap]
Tony: You can have that one.

Tony: The eyes need to be bigger.
Kate: The eyes are fine, the nose needs to be bigger.
Tony: Fine, I'll put out an APB for Pinocchio.
Gibbs: Welcome to my world, Abby.

Kate: What does he want the LES for?
Tony: Kate, that's NCIS 101.
Kate: You have no idea.
Tony: Not a clue.

[Gibbs, Tony and Kate are looking at photos of the suspect and victims]
Kate: We know Kidwell was murdered.
Tony: And that lying sack of excrement is somehow involved.

Tony: (eating a sandwich) I would just like to go on the record and say "I really miss the Gulf Stream we took to Gitmo" (notices Kate with her head in a bag so puts his sandwich next to her mouth) You hungry?
Kate: (groans as she's sick some more) Tony! Do I look hungry to you?
Tony: Well, No! Actually you look kind of...
Kate: (gasps) Tell me that's normal!
Tony: That is! (the plane drops suddenly and Kate freaks) Now that I'm not too sure about!
Kate: (groans in fear) How long till we get to Colombia?
Tony: (swallowing his sandwich) Oh not long! (sees Kate's look of relief) Five, six hours tops!
Kate: (swallows a mouthful of water, looks at Gibbs sleeping across from them) Is he really sleeping or is that just an act?
Tony: Oh, he's sleeping.
Kate: How can you tell?
Tony: He looks peaceful.
[Later]
Gibbs: (yawns and stretches) Morning. Sleep well?
Kate: If by "well" you mean violently throwing up all night and being bounced around like rag dolls...
Tony: ...then yes, we slept very well, Boss. Thanks for asking.
Gibbs: You'll get used to it!
Kate: That's what I'm afraid of!
Aircrew: Agent Gibbs? We'll be landing in about fifteen minutes! (passes Gibbs a cup of coffee)
Gibbs: Thanks! My compliments to the pilot!
Kate: (stands up and looks around)
Gibbs: Uh...What ya looking for Kate?
Kate: The ladies room!
Tony: (snickers)
Kate: Okay then the Men's room!
Gibbs: There's no "Men's room".
Kate: Then how the hell am I supposed to go to the bathroom? (Gibbs passes her a plastic bag) Oh no! Forget it! I can wait! (Gibbs smiles at her then she sticks her hand out for the bag) Damn it! Where?
Gibbs: If you want some privacy...I'd go behind those big boxes over there!
Kate: God I miss Air Force One!

Left For Dead [1.10][edit]

Tony: Fell asleep working on your boat again?
Gibbs: Why'd you say that, DiNozzo?
Tony: Boss, I know the farm report when I hear it.

Abby: So I suppose you want me to find out what chastity belt this opens.
Gibbs: Do I look like DiNozzo?
Tony: Not funny, boss. Besides I can open a chastity belt.
Abby: Did you ever see one? Mine's awesome, eighteenth century French.
Tony: You have a chastity belt?
Gibbs: So much more information than I need to know about Abby.

Gibbs: Tests? On a Navy ship?
Tony: If I heard there were gonna be tests on a Navy ship you think we'd still be standing here?
Gibbs: Oh, forgot. Your minds work concurrently.

Tony: You remember when I stayed with you that time when it didn't really go so well.
Gibbs: Yeah, I remember, DiNozzo.
Tony: Well, I was younger then, immature, a little unfocused.
Gibbs: It was six months ago, Tony.

Gibbs: [on cell phone] No you will not put her picture on TV. I want whoever did this to think she's still dead. No, Kate, no. Our priority is finding the bomb. [closes phone] She's bonded.
Tony: Kate and Jane Doe?
Gibbs: Oh yeah. She hasn't even questioned her yet, 'Her eyes they just pleaded for help'.
Tony: Love that look in a woman.

Executive: Please tell me Suzanne is not dead.
Tony: Suzanne is not dead.
Executive: [stops typing]
Gibbs: Woops.
Tony: Big woops.

Detective: You're telling me the suits from Hoover didn't save The Man? [referring to the President, as seen in "Yankee White"]
Tony: Hell no it was N-C-I-us.
Detective: Not according to the TV reports.
Tony: When do they get it right?

Tony: We gotta do something, boss.
Gibbs: Have you ever made a mistake, Tony?
Tony: According to you or me?
Gibbs: You.
Tony: Yeah.
Gibbs: Could anyone make you feel better?
Tony: No.
Tony: What is it with the German's and the alphabet thing? BMW, BMG, BASF...and their all "B's"!
Gibbs: I'm resisting the urge to say cut the BS!

Eye Spy [1.11][edit]

Kate: [To a soaking wet and obviously freezing cold DiNozzo] You OK? What is it?
Gibbs: (grinning) Shrinkage.

[Tony enters wearing an NCIS suit]
Tony: [flashes ID and looking embarrassed and uncomfortable] Agent DiNozzo.
Sparks: [laughs] Just can't stop messing with the uniforms can they, sir?

Tony: You know what my dad always said about excuses?
McGee: Yeah. They're like armpits. Everybody has them and they all stink.

Tony: I don't know what you just said, I don't care what you just said, just give me the number. Why is there an asterisk?
McGee: Ummmm, not sure.
Tony: [gives him a look]
McGee: ...sir?
Tony: That wasn't an "add a sir" look. That was a "you better find out why" look.
McGee: Oh.
Tony: It's alright. Rookie mistake.

Kate: [sees Tony coming in Ducky's uniform] Oh my god.
Tony: Don't even, okay.
Kate: Did I say anything?
Tony: You were. I know you were.
Kate: They're a touch small, but other than that, it's fine. And the bonus - no belt.
Tony: Hmmf!

Abby: You're on the air.
Gibbs: Hey Abbs.
Abby: Gibbs. How did we do with the moles?
Gibbs: Spooks, Abby, spooks.
Abby: I can never get that straight.

Gibbs: You still in touch with that old NASA boyfriend?
Abby: He wasn't a boyfriend, he was a boytoy, and yes, we IM almost every day.
Gibbs: You do?
Abby: Oh yeah.
Gibbs: That's good, right?
Abby: It's very good.
[Later, during a video-conference call]
Ashton (Boytoy): Greetings from NASA, NCIS.
Abby: Whoa, Ashton, that was so Star Trek.
Ashton: Sorry, I'm late. I had a cluster of frozen reactor coolant heading for the flight path of an Atlas liftoff. I had to delay the launch. They were not happy about it. I am, however, very happy to see you, Abby, and to help your NCIS crime-fighting colleagues.

[In the background Kate and Tony exchange amazed looks at this entire exchange]


Gibbs: ...and she plays golf left handed.
Kate: Whoa, wait, you could see that the clubs were left handed with just a passing glance?
Gibbs: My second wife played golf left handed.
Kate: So?
Tony: When someone tries to split your skull with a seven iron, it's not a club you soon forget.

Kate: [referring to Tony refusing to answer a woman's calls] Talk to her.
Tony: She'll get the message.
Gibbs: [small smile and nod]
Kate: You know I bet this is why number two came after you with a nine iron, isn't it? You just refused to sit down and talk things through.
Gibbs: Actually that wasn't it at all.
Kate: So what was it, then?
Gibbs: Seven iron.

My Other Left Foot [1.12][edit]

Gibbs: [to Tony and Kate] Got humpty dumpty back together again?

Gibbs: I do not believe in coincidences!

Kate: Still no head or left leg.
Abby: Did you check Hooterville?
Tony: Where's Hooterville?
Abby: You guys. Petticoat Junction, Green Acres. Hooterville.
Tony: I prefer TV shows from this century.

Kate: You weren't buying any of it were you?
Gibbs: Any of what?
Kate: You know....her charm.
Gibbs: Is it really that hard to believe, Kate, that I might be attractive to a woman?

Kate: [about Gibbs] Three red-headed ex-wives shows his judgment is a little questionable.
Tony: None of them were murder suspects. Although... I don't know about the redhead who picks him up now and then.

Receptionist: Can I help you?
Tony: [pouring on the charm] I'm sure you can. I'm Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo, NCIS. You can call me Tony. We'd like to talk to Dr. Chalmers, uh, [leans in very close to read her name tag] Darlene.
Receptionist: [melting] Okay.
Kate: Why don't you just give her a breast exam?
Tony: In good time.

Tony: You really like small towns?
Kate: Peace and quiet. A place where people know you by name. No Blockbuster and Starbucks on every corner. What's not to like?
Tony: Too quiet, everybody knows your name, there's no Blockbuster and Starbucks on every corner.
Kate: Big cities just can't give you what small towns can, Tony. It's a simpler way of life, a slice of Americana.
Tony: One that doesn't include fifty yard line seats to the Redskins or women with full sets of teeth.
Kate: Yeah it always comes back to that doesn't it?
Tony: See... You do get me.

Gibbs: What do you have?
Tony: A six letter word for a reason to commit a crime...
Gibbs: DiNozzo...
Tony: That's seven letters.
Gibbs: Works for me. What do you got?
Melissa: No Mama. They can prove everything. About the Digitalis, about how you cut Tommy into little pieces! (screams as her mom slaps her around the face)
Mama: Poor girl’s out of her mind. You can’t use any of this in court.
Gibbs: She was read her Miranda Rights and she waived them. We can use it and we will.
Mama: You little fool. They couldn’t prove anything!
Melissa: I don’t care anymore Mama! I love Tommy and you killed him!

One Shot, One Kill [1.13][edit]

Gibbs: Can we hurry it up? I don't think Gunnery Sergeant Alvarez would appreciate being seen like this.
Ducky: You knew the man?
Gibbs: [deadpan] No.
Ducky: [to corpse] If it's any consolation, Gunny, Gibbs is the absolute best we've got.

Ducky: [speaking to corpse] That's the problem today isn't it. The technological advances of the so-called internet generation, with their MP3 players, their iPods and video games, spinning themselves into a self-induced state of attention deficit disorder, barely absorbing one cluster of information before the next one strikes their fancy.

Tony: You think he'd let me borrow his uniform for a weekend?
Kate: I don't know. I just hope I'm there when you ask him.

[Inside Abby's lab]
Gibbs: Why are all these dolls naked?
Tony: Don't look at me, Boss. Must be a goth thing.

Gibbs: Got something for ya! (dumps folders in front of Kate)
Kate: (sarcastically) Okay...what is it!
Gibbs: Eight years of Sgt. Alvarez's files. Sorted into category!
Kate: Which are?
Gibbs: Gonna leave that part up to you!
Kate: Oh, Come on Gibbs! At least tell me what i'm looking for!
Gibbs: The same thing we're all looking for Kate! (walks out) A murderer!
Kate: (dumps her pen on her desk) Why didn't I take the damn dolls!

Kate: (as she is watching Tony try and use chopsticks) Relax your hand or you're never gonna get it in your mouth!
Tony: (as another bundle of noodles slip out of the chopsticks) I'm trying but the thing's too damn slippery!
Kate: Never gonna impress a girl that way!
Tony: Oh What Ever! Just the next time we do this Kate make sure they (drops more noodles) don't forget the forks! (Kate smiles as she successfully puts noodles in her mouth) No-one like a show-off! (after he fails again at eating noodles) Okay. Screw this! You got any soup? (Kate passes it over carefully as it's hot) Ah...thanks!
Gibbs: (getting out the elevator) That had better not be mine DiNozzo!
Tony: (freezes) Gibbs ordered soup? (glares silently at Kate who nods smugly) Great! (as Gibbs glares at him) If it's any consolation it's not very good!
Gibbs: (stares at the noodles) Who's Chow Mein?
Kate: (with noodles in her mouth) Tony's!
Gibbs: (takes the box) Good!

Tony: You're gonna like this one, Boss. One guy wanted to be a paramedic - Sgt. Alvarez told him the Marine Corps would "train him to save lives." [Gibbs laughs]
Kate: What's wrong with that?
Gibbs: The Marine Corps doesn't have medical personnel.
Tony: They're all Navy.
Gibbs: Technically it is correct, Marines do save lives. Mostly through the use of superior firepower.

Tony: Come to think of it. You never told us why you enlisted, Boss.
Gibbs: That's because it's personal.
Kate: You think his recruiter told him a fast one?
Tony: I doubt it.
Kate: Why?
Tony: Can you imagine someone lying to Gibbs and getting away with it?

Gibbs: Hey DiNozzo, kinda reminds me of your apartment, except for that minty fresh urine smell.
Tony: Hey for your information I have a maid now.
Gibbs: You can afford a maid?
Tony: It's amazing what you can do when you don't have to pay three alimonies.

Kate: Next time drive a little faster Tony. I think my glands still have an ounce of adrenaline left.
Tony: Response to a crime scene investigation demands a timely arrival, Kate.
Kate: It would help if the investigators didn't puke all over it.
Gibbs: Brings back memories.
Kate: Memories of what?
Gibbs: Marriage.

Tony: You're not the only one who knows how to profile.
Kate: Maybe. But with that haircut you wouldn't pass for an ROTC student. [smiles at Tony]

[Tony is undercover as an electrician installing sensor bugs in the electric poles for the undercover operation]
Tony: Gibbs gets dress blue charlies. I look like one of the Village People.
Abby: [via Tony's earpiece] [laughs] Maybe you can find a local cop and get a dance routine going.

Gibbs: Major, your mission is to protect our country. Our mission right now is to protect you and your Marines. Allow us the honor of doing our job.

The Good Samaritan [1.14][edit]

Gibbs: Anything Abby?
Abby: This is the left rear tire off Commander Julius's car. Notice anything unusual?
Gibbs: It's inflated.
Abby: Is that a guess, or do you actually know where I'm going with this?
Gibbs: What do you think?
Abby: Well, I don't know, that's why I asked you.
Gibbs: Why don't you just tell me?
Abby: So you don't know.
Gibbs: I want to make sure you know.
Abby: Hmmmm.
Gibbs: Hmmmm.
Abby: We should play poker sometime.
Gibbs: Yeah, we should.

Tony: I love everything Swiss! Knives, cheese...the Alps! I even like ABBA!

Enigma [1.15][edit]

Kate: Do all Marines build boats?
Tony: Only the ones who've been married a few times.
Kate: Why's that?
Tony: The rest of them can afford to buy one.

[Tony, Kate, and Gibbs are sitting in wait against their car after Gibbs claims he saw a bomb in the house they were searching]
Tony: Are you sure it was a bomb, Gibbs?
Gibbs: Yes, DiNozzo. For the last time... I'm sure it was a bomb.
Tony: If you say so. EOD sure taking their sweet time getting here.
[Van arrives with Ducky and Gerald]
Ducky: Sorry we're late. Gerald got us lost several times.
Gerald: Me? You had the map.
Gibbs: We have our own problems here, Ducky.
Ducky: Yeah, I can see that. FBI take over our crime scene again?
Kate: Gibbs thought he saw a bomb.
Gibbs: [annoyed] What do you mean 'thought'?
Kate: Do I really have to say it?
Gibbs: Say what?
Ducky: Yes, Kate. Say what?
Kate: You need glasses, Gibbs. Are you happy?
[behind them, the house suddenly explodes, sending everyone exclaiming to the ground]
Gibbs: [slowly lifting his head] Sorry. I didn't quite catch that last part...

FBI Agent Charles: You're under arrest.
Gibbs: For what?
Charles: Pissing off the FBI.
Gibbs: Get used to it.

Tony: [on the phone with Gibbs] Where the hell are you? Fornell's here with a warrant for your arrest.
Gibbs: Well, good thing I'm not there then.

Bête Noire[1.16][edit]

Ducky: (to Ari Haswari) I look forward to weighing your liver.

Ari: You tried to trick me Dr. Mallard.
Ducky: That wasn't a condition.
Ari: It is now.

Gerald: I never figured anyone who could sleep in a coffin could have a phobia but it's the kind of kinky thing Abby would get.
Ari: She slept in a coffin?
Ducky: She's goth.
[Ari shudders]

Tony: What's up Abbs?
Abby: Something's...
Tony: Hinky?

Ari: How do you alert visitors when conducting an infectious autopsy?
Ducky: We hang a decomposing body in the corridor.

Tony: I need all the evidence I signed in this morning, Charlene.
Evidence Clerk Charlene: What?
Tony: The evidence I signed in. NOW!

Ari: Any good with this gun, Caitlin?
Kate: Give it back and I'll demonstrate.
Ari: Ever fire it in anger?
Kate: I'd love to right now.

The Truth Is Out There [1.17][edit]

Kate: [irritated] Tony! I'm not thinking about that damn terrorist.
Tony: Sorry.
Kate: Look at Gibbs. He's been growling like a wounded bear since that night.
Tony: Well, he is wounded and he always growls like a bear. It's his way of never letting anyone know when he's hurting. Yours is to be moody.
Kate: I'm not moody!
Tony: Oh, what do you call it. I feel sorry for whatever his name is.
Kate: Sorry?
Tony: Yeah. Wouldn't want Gibbs on my ass.
Kate: We're never gonna see that guy again.
Tony: Maybe not. But Gibbs will.

Ducky: I want that terrorist on my table Jethro.

Abby: The car that hit Gordon was definitely a Taurus.
Gibbs: You're positive?
Abby: Absolutely... unless it was a Mercury Sable.

Tony: 40-mile zone ended 2 miles back, Boss. Limit’s 65... I only mention it because you usually drive slightly faster than Dale Earnhardt, Jr.

Abby: Not unless he grew up in Dorkville.
Gibbs: Grew up just west of there.

Abby: I dated this guy once who just wanted me to bounce up and down on a balloon.
Gibbs: OK, stop.

Abby: I don't know. Guys have all sorts of strange rituals before they go out. This one guy, he does a full upper body workout just seconds before his date just so he can be pumped.
Gibbs: Does Tony know that you know?
Abby: Does Tony know that you know?

Abby: Hey Gibbs. Do you have any fetishes?
Gibbs: I've got three ex wives. I can't afford fetishes.

Gibbs: That's apples and oranges.
Abby: [grins] There's a fetish for that, too.

Tony: Guy was really interested in reality shows. Real World, Simple Life, Punk'd...
Gibbs: Punk'd?
Kate: Geez, Gibbs. Even I know what Punk'd is.
Tony: It's an MTV show where they play tricks on celebrities while secretly filming it.
Gibbs: Like Candid Camera.
Tony: What's Candid Camera?

UnSEALed [1.18][edit]

Abby: That's what I love about you, Gibbs, always one finger ahead.

Abby: Stained glass. That's very spiritual, Gibbs.

Tony: [As Tommy Lee Jones] Ladies and gentlemen. I want a hard-target search of every gas station, residence, warehouse, farmhouse, henhouse, doghouse and outhouse in the area. You got that? Good! Now turn off those cameras and get out of the way!
McGee: Accent's still not right.
Tony: Damn.

Gibbs: He could have gone to a vet.
Kate: Tony's marking that territory.
Tony: Ha-ha. Cute.

Tony: Houston. The cell phone has landed.

Tony: She sleeps with a gun under her pillow, boss.
Gibbs: That true?
Kate: Maybe... sometimes... yes.
Gibbs: Good girl!

Kate: You were a boy scout?
Tony: Cub.
Kate: Ha. What'd they kick you out for?
Tony: Tryin' to score brownie points.

Gibbs: [catches McGee looking at him] What the hell are you doing?
McGee: Um..
Gibbs: Can you form a sentence, Agent McGee?
McGee: The NCIS investigator was Agent Clay Williamson, sir.
Gibbs: That's a good sentence.

McGee: You're enjoying this, aren't you?
Tony: Really a lot.

Abby: (about the security guard's excuse for loosing his card) He said his dog ate it!
Gibbs: (laughs) That didn't work for me in 6th grade!
Abby: (stares) Well you're a late bloomer Gibbs. It didn't work me in the 2nd!

Defence Lawyer: That's why women aren't allowed in the SEAL's!
Faith: Why? Because we think with a head on our shoulders?
Abby:: (laughs at their argument) Whoa! (they all turn to stare) Remind you of anyone?
Kate & Tony: (as Gibbs smiles) No!
Abby:: (half-heartedly) Yeah, I didn't think so!

Faith: I want to be kept up-to-date with everything!
Kate: Certainly!
Defence Lawyer: Afraid you sent an innocent man to prison?
Faith: Innocent or not. I still kicked your ass!

Tony: The defense lawyer told me to "shove it". The message was actually delivered by his assistant, but he's sure it was verbatim.
Gibbs: I want him here DiNozzo.
Tony: Boss he's no longer a JAG. He's a $400-an-hour Beltway lawyer. (pauses awkwardly) With really nice shoes!
Gibbs: DiNozzo, I don't care! I don't care if he's wearing Armani, Prada or Ermen something-Zenga...get his ass here!
Tony: Ermenegildo Zegna, Boss. Just so you know!

[Tony brings in the defense lawyer in handcuffs who is arguing with him and being uncooperative]
Defense Lawyer: I'm gonna own your house Agent DiNozzo!
Tony: [sarcastically] I rent.
Defense Lawyer: [loudly] You know what the federal minimums are for aggravated assault on the cover of authority, kidnapping, false imprisonment...?!
Tony: [leads him to Gibbs' desk] Well, ya know. I don't, but I'm sure my boss Special Agent Jethro Gibbs does.
Gibbs: [smirks] Very subtle DiNozzo.
Tony: [smiles at the defense lawyer] Shooting him just seems so hand-fisted.
Gibbs: [deadpan] Whatever it takes.

[Gibbs is interrogating Commander Foley. Kate and Tony are watching in the observation room.]
Gibbs: You testified on his behalf at the trial. You certainly seemed to be sympathetic to his situation.
Foley: Situation?
Gibbs: Coming home and finding his wife in the bedroom with another guy?
Foley: Well, wouldn't that bother you?
Gibbs: Oh yeah. It bothered me a hell of a lot. Only I chose divorce over murder.
Kate: I didn't know that!
Tony: He's lying. Establishing rapport through shared communication.
Kate: You sure he's lying?
Tony: Of course I'm-- [pauses] Not.
Gibbs: I was coming home from a three-month float in the Med. Not six months in a war zone.
[...]
[There is a knock on the door and McGee enters interrogation room]
McGee: Uh sorry. Can I see you for a second, Boss?
Tony: [stunned] Oh, I can't believe I'm seeing what I'm seeing.

Gibbs: Are you thinking what I think you're thinking?
Tony: [smiles] I don't know Boss. Are you thinking what I think you're thinking?
Gibbs: [grins] Yeah.
Gibbs: Uncuff him DiNozzo so he can say hi to an old friend!
Faith: I prefer him in cuffs!
Defense Lawyer: I wish I'd known that when we were at JAG!

Dead Man Talking [1.19][edit]

Abby: Amanda is Voss!
Gibbs: [shocked] She's a he?!
Kate: [stunned] Oh my god, Tony's on a date with a guy.

Gibbs: [on the phone with Tony] She's a he, bone head!!

Gibbs: [has his SIG-Sauer pointed at the head of Amanda Reed] His name was Special Agent Chris Pacci. And he was a friend.

Kate: Speaking of way beyond hinky...
Tony: Okay, Kate. I can take it.
Kate: What was it like, tonguing a guy?
Tony: [deep breath] I can't take it.

Missing [1.20][edit]

[Tony is playing a computer game]
Kate: Very professional.
Tony: It's my lunch break.
Kate: It's 9:30 in the morning.
Tony: I'm on Greenwich Mean Time.
Kate: You're gonna be on unemployment if Gibbs catches you doing that.
Gibbs: [walks in] Catch him doing what Kate? [Kate quickly switches his game off while Tony grabs a stack of papers and pretends to be busy]
Kate: Nothing! I was just giving Tony some fashion advice.
Gibbs: On what?
Kate: Oh he was just thinking about...getting both his ears pierced. [Tony glares at her]
Gibbs: Is that right DiNozzo?
Tony: I think you misunderstood Boss. What I meant was elongating the lobe--
Gibbs: Hey, you look like a gay pirate, that's your call. [Tony grimaces]
[...]
Gibbs: [...] and Tony, if that game is still on your computer in the morning I'll pierce your ears myself.

Kate: You were pretty tough on her in there.
Gibbs: Yeah...she reminds me of my ex-wife.
Tony: Which one?
Gibbs: All of them.

[Tony, Kate and Gibbs are stuck in a traffic jam]
Tony: Rush hour. A misnomer if you ask me.
'Gibbs: [deadpan] I didn't.
Tony: It's not like anybody's rushing anywhere and it always takes more than an hour. They should call it--
Gibbs: Shut-up-and-sit-there-before-I-shoot-you hour.
Tony: I was thinking of something a little shorter.
[Tony slurps on his drink. Gibbs looses his patience and throws Tony's drink out the window.]
Tony: That's littering.
Gibbs: Fine me.

Gibbs: You two might want to cover your-- [behind them a bomb explodes, sending Tony and Kate to the ground while Gibbs continues walking] ears.

Tony: Boss, is there a reason why you always take these back roads?!
Kate: 'Cause you just hate us?
Gibbs: I hate traffic more!

Tony: Remember the good ol' days, Kate?
Kate: What good old days?
Tony: When Gibbs would confide in us and treat us like peers.
Kate: (incredulously) No.
Tony: Good. I thought it was just me.

Kate: Look, just don't take any chances, ok? I mean, if we're right about Sacco, he's got more than a screw loose.
DiNozzo: Aww. Here I was thinking you didn't care.
Kate: It's not about caring. If anything happens to you, I'm gonna be stuck working here with Gibbs alone.
DiNozzo: It's not that bad. A little grumpy sometimes--
Gibbs: [from the back of the squad room] Hey! DiNozzo! You still here?

Kate: Do we know how big his unit was?
Abby: We could ask him, but in my experience most men lie about that point.

Abby: What do you think Kate?
Kate: I think that you're still suffering the effects of your party last night.
Abby: All I drank was Redbull!
Kate: How many?
Abby: (slight pause) Eighteen.

[Indistinct yelling.]
Kate: Thank god Tony is still alive.
[Gibbs gives her a questioning look.]
Kate: Who else you know who pisses people off like that?

[Tony, Kate and Gibbs are in the elevator]
Tony: Admit it. You were worried about me right?. You don't have to say anything I know. [Gibbs pretends to ignore him] Ok I want you to say it. You care right?
[exit elevator]
Tony: So, you're saying you don't care?
Gibbs: Tony, as far as I'm concerned, you're irreplaceable. [smiles]
Tony: I knew it. I knew behind the whole Marine thing you really are heart.
Gibbs: [to McGee] Forget about it McGee. He's still alive.
[Tony is annoyed to find McGee sitting at his desk.]

Split Decision [1.21][edit]

[Gibbs and Ducky are examining the corpse]
Ducky: As they say in the high country markets of Sri Lanka, there's more than one way to skin a mongoose. Actually there are three...
Gibbs: [interrupts Ducky] Ducky!

Tony: You weren't seriously going to let her shoot me, were you?
Gibbs: Nah.
Tony: You had a plan, right?
Gibbs: [unconvincingly] Yeah.

Tony: [shocked to find McGee sitting at Gibbs's desk] McGee! Are you nuts?
McGee: What?
Tony: You're at Gibbs' desk touching his computer! That's like touching the Ark of the Covenant!
McGee: Gibbs knows I'm doing this.
Tony: He said you could use his computer?
McGee: [nods head] Uh-huh.
Tony: Really? You know when mine fried he wouldn't let me touch his.
Gibbs: [walks into squad room] Because your fingers are always greasy from fried chicken and pizza.

Tony: How old am I?
Kate: Based on chronology or maturity?

Abby: Don't be silly, ATF lady.

Gibbs: [describing the watch he is putting on] It's a locator. I won't activate it unless they move us.
Tony: [in a Sean Connery accent] Very James Bond - does it tell time, too?

Tony: I really liked her.
Kate: ATF agent involved in illegal weapons and murder - what's not to like?
Tony: So quick to judge, Kate. Sure she has flaws, sure she's going to prison, but my instincts tell me she had good qualities as well.
Kate: Two of them wouldn't happen to live under her shirt, would they?

Tony: I love Gus! It's very strong! What do you have to go with it?
Abby: Louis?
Tony: Gus Louis? It kinda sounds like a salad!
Abby: How about Bricker?
Tony: Gus Bricker. It's a tough one! Gibbs said to put some Military in the background.
Abby: Dishounourable discharge of course!
Tony: How about some time in Leavenworth?
Abby: What's the crime?
Tony: Something that fits my persona
Abby: How about violating Federal Obscenity Laws?
Tony: No! I mean my new sleazy gun running profile!
Abby: Drugs are always a safe bet!
Tony: Yeah. Drugs?
Abby: Got 3 to 5 paroled out on 2!
Tony: There is no justice in this world Abs!

A Weak Link [1.22][edit]

Gibbs: What if I wanted to get into that account?
Kate: (shrugs) Get a search warrant for the servers.
Gibbs: We don't have time for a warrant. What's a quicker way?
Kate: Hack into the servers.
[Gibbs tilts a brow and smiles.]
Kate: Can't believe I just said that. I would have never suggested that before I started working here.
Gibbs: You're welcome.

Reveille [1.23][edit]

Gibbs: He stay at your place?
Abby: Yup.
Gibbs: You sleep in the coffin, McGee?
McGee: Coffin? You said that it was a box sofa bed.
Abby: Well... it is! Sort of...
McGee: That's why you wouldn't turn the lights on. I can't believe I just slept in a coffin.
Abby: ...Not just slept.

John: John, Ag Department.
Kate: Kate, NCIS.
John: Hi... really?
Kate: Yes. Why?
John: I've never seen you and I'm at NCIS twice a month.
Kate: You are?
John: Yes, I specialize in hail and storm damage.
Kate: What NCIS do you think I'm with?
John: National Crop Insurance Service.
Gibbs: That's us, she's a wiz on how corn losses affect pork belly futures.
Kate: That's my boss - weird sense of humor. [later, to Gibbs] "How corn losses affect pork belly futures?"
Gibbs: Rule number seven: always be specific when you lie.

Tony: McGee said you wanted to see me. Actually, he said I was under house arrest, but I figured that was just your way of making a point.
Gibbs: Do I have to tell you the name of the creek you're up without a paddle? Or how deep it is?
Tony: Up to my knees?
Gibbs: I see you're familiar with this particular creek.
Tony: I'm sorry I took a long lunch, Boss, but I'm not working a hot case.
Gibbs: What's a hot case to you, DiNozzo? Shadowing a tight ass?
Tony: That's not fair, Boss.
Gibbs: War is not fair! And we are at war. Until I dismiss you, which could be any moment now, you will fight that war 24/7. That includes eating, sleeping, taking a crap. Got that?
Tony: Yes, Boss. Can I say something?
Gibbs: Only if it has something to do with that bastard I'm after!
Tony: It does.
Gibbs: Then speak!
Tony: Boss... You've really gotta see Moby Dick.

Tony: Well, what's wrong, other than the Hamas guy?
Gibbs: The Hamas guy! You know: the terrorist, the bastard, the ass! We call him everything but his name. You know why that is?
Tony: Because we don't know his name?
Gibbs: Because you're not working a hot case. I want his name! I want it today! And don't tell me it's Moby Dick!

Kate: [regarding the terrorist who shot Gerald and Gibbs] Why did he give you a shot at him?
Gibbs: He needs to face death to feel alive. Maybe, to feel anything.

Fornell: Directors want your word that you'll forget about Ari. They think you'll blow his cover.
Gibbs: If I get pay back, it won't be by blowing his cover. Why are you asking me this and not my director?
Fornell: He refused to.
Gibbs: [finally laughs] Yeah.
Abby: Okay...make him older than mummy dust! (the image changes) Oh that's so cool! Now make him a young guy on his first date! (the image changes again) Hm...he wasn't a late bloomer like you McGee! (the image changes again) He's cute!
McGee: (frowning) You think?
Abby: (noticing his frown) Oh (walks towards him) Not cuter than you!
McGee: (as she puts her arm around his neck he smiles bashfully) Abs! (laughs) I'm trying to work!
Abby: (regretting it) Sorry!
McGee: (blushes) No I like it but uh...(admits his feelings) I can't concentrate!
Abby: Okay (walsk backwards) What if watched (starts yelling) FROM ALL THE WAY OVER...(backs into Gibbs and jumps forward)
Abby: You should wake him!
McGee: What if he needs the rest?
Abby: He's not resting! His eyes are disco dancing under those lids!
McGee: They brought it back!
Abby: It's Gibbs so it never left!
Abby: Would you be any less grumpy if you slept in a bed?
Gibbs: No!
Abby: I didn't think so!

Season Two[edit]

See No Evil [2.1][edit]

Tony: Anyone, and I mean anyone, know when the air conditioner is getting fixed? What about the name of the genius who invented windows that don't open? Like, what are we on - a space ship? Windows should open!
Kate: (checks him out admiringly) Ooh! Have you been working out?
Tony: (not believing she was checking him out) All summer long. (sarcastically) Thanks for finally noticing!
Kate: No. I meant right now. Cause you're sweating like a pig and it's not very (whispers) attractive! (sits down then jumps up again) Aah!
McGee: (looking up Kate's skirt) Good morning...(realises who he's talking to) Agent Todd!
Kate: (annoyed) McGee?
McGee: (nervous) Yeah
Kate: You have ten seconds to tell me what you're doing down there!
McGee: I'm upgrading the computer system and...uh (struggles to thimk of what else to say)
Kate: Time's up! (starts pulling hit to his feet by his ears)
McGee: N...n...no! I wasn't looking! Ahh! I wasn't looking!
Gibbs: (walking in) Tony. Did I just see what i thought i saw?
Tony: (thinking he meant Kate and McGee) Um...out of respect for my co-workers. I'd have to say "yes you did" and it's kind of disturbing!
Gibbs: I agree! Put your damn shirt on! this is an office building, not a gym! (notices McGee) Damnit McGee. Why are you still here?
McGee: The air conditioner's been turned off and it won't get turned on till the network's back on!
Gibbs: And you think it's acceptable to be crawling around all day...by youself?
McGee: I just wanted it fixed before I returned to Norfolk!
Gibbs: You have any idea where thinking like this is going to lead you? (McGee looks very nervous as he waits for an answer)
Tony: Yeah, do you, McGee?
Gibbs: Promotion. You need any help, you ask Tony. It looks like he could use a workout.
McGee: It's not that hard so i'll probably do it myself!
Tony: Good answer!
Kate: Don't let him intimidate you, McGee, that's my job today. (the phone rings and she answers it annoyed) Agent Todd!
McGee: (to Tony) I didn't look!
Tony: Oh, I believe you. But let me ask you this. (trying to get him to answer) Is she a pantyhose or a thong girl? Cause I'm thinking thong! (winces as Kate elbows him in the gut)
Kate: We;ve got a problem Gibbs!
Gibbs: [smashing cell phone on desk] God, I hate this thing! (he hits it again making Kate jump) It's crap!
Kate: There's a secretary from the Pentagon downstairs and she claims her boss is being held hostage by his computer.
Gibbs: See? [holds up smashed phone] There's a reason I didn't trust these things. [tosses it to McGee] Here, reboot that or something. [to Kate] Send her up.
McGee: Reboot it?
Kate: Or you can do what we always do.
[Tony pulls a box out of a filing cabinet drawer filled with new, unopened phones and hands it to McGee]
Tony: It's his third one this month.

Abby: [as her computer fizzles and crashes] NO! NO, NO, NO,... My baby just french-fried!
McGee: System's over-heated.
Gibbs: So reboot it.
Abby: Believe it or not, Gibbs, not all computer problems can be solved by rebooting.
Gibbs: [brightly, holding up cell phone] Works for me.
Abby: Even if it does. It's gonna take like an hour for mine to cool down!
McGee: And without air conditioning it'll happen again!
Gibbs: So take it somewhere cooler!
Abby: Where? The whole building is like an illegal sweat-shop!
Gibbs: Not the whole building Abs!

Kate: McGee, can't you tell when someone's kidding with you?
McGee: I used to and then I met you guys.

Gibbs: Kate, take McGee and search the Watsons' house. DiNozzo, I want everything there is on Watson and his family by the time I get back. [takes his SIG out and walks to elevator]
Tony: Where are you going Boss?
Gibbs: To talk to Capt Watson.
Kate: Wait, Gibbs, if they're watching him...
Gibbs: I'll make sure they don't notice!
Kate: [to Tony] That is not a good call.
Tony: [nonchalantly] Relax. You think Gibbs keeps that haircut to save on shampoo?

Tony: Delivery complete.
Gibbs: That's good work, Tony.
Tony: Thanks, Boss. That means a lot.
Gibbs: If NCIS doesn't work out I hear General Wee's Chinese Restaurant is hiring.

Abby: Face it, McGee. We are doomed.
McGee: Gibbs can't really expect us to hack into the Pentagon in a single afternoon!
Abby: Yeah, he can.
McGee: You're right, we are doomed.
Abby: We have to call DOD and hope they'll let us in without severing the connection!
McGee: Unless! What if the trojan isn't system wide? If it was then...
Abby: He wouldn't need...
McGee: Watson to do it for him! That means that he can't access the rest of the network!
Abby: (stares at the computer screen) We've been trying to hack the wrong place!
McGee: Okay checking for outside links! Yes we've got multiple incoming packets! And we're varing the Doomsday Trojan!
Abby: (flirting) I love it when you talk geek!
McGee: (flirting) I love it that you love it!
Gibbs: I'll be sure to mention that to Captain Watson...right after we're done burying his family!
Abby: I would seriously hold off on those funeral arrangements Gibbs! The reason we're so excited is...
McGee: We've hacked into Watson's computer...
Abby: And we should be able to back-trace the connection as soon as (sees the image distort) No, no (starts typing frantically) No! (as the screen goes black) Aah! (Gibbs looks confused) My baby just french-fried!
McGee: (to an even more confused Gibbs) The system's overheated!
Gibbs: So just re-boot it!
Abby: (puts her head in her hands) Believe it or not Gibbs...But not all computer problems can be solved by re-booting!
Gibbs: (holds up a new phone and says brightly) Works for me! (McGee looks terrified if he realises the scam Kate and DiNozzo has been playing him for)
Abby: Even if it does. It'll take like at least an hour for mine to cool down!
McGee: And with out air-conditioning it'll happen again!
Gibbs: So take it somewhere cooler
Abby: Where? The whole building is like an illigal sweatshop!
Gibbs: (smiling) Not the whole building Abs!

Ducky: Can I trouble you for the left ear, Mr. Palmer?
Jimmy: Uh (holds theear to his left earto make sure it's the same one) One left ear coming up!
Ducky: Huh.
Jimmy: What?
Ducky: That's odd!
Jimmy: What? It's not the left ear!
Ducky: It's the left just not the right left...so to speak!
Jimmy: But that would mean...
Ducky: Three bodies! (Jimmy sighs in annoyance and pushes the drawer shut) Time to start another table!
Abby: Hey Ducky! My computer died! We need somewhere cooler to set up shop!
Ducky: (looking at the meat puzzle on the tables) Well we're a little short on space for the moment Abigail but you can use 107! (opens the drawer to find a cadaver still in there) Definately not 107! His relatives were supposed to arrange for him to be taken back last week! Uh...Will this do?
Abby: Perfect!
Jimmy: Oh can I give you a hand?
McGee: (sees the blood) Uh, no.

Gibbs: McGee, where are you going?
McGee: Uh, Norfolk.
Gibbs: Well, I got some good news, and some bad news for you. You've just been promoted. [holds up envelope with McGee's promotion] To a full-time field agent.
McGee: Really? That's incredible! What's-
Gibbs: You belong to me now.
[After he leaves]
Kate: Congratulations!
Tony: Yeah, what she said.
McGee: So, I-I'm one of you guys now, right? No more hazing?
Kate and Tony: Sure.
McGee: Well, I-I just want to say that I never took it personal and I--
[Kate and Tony both head-slap McGee]
Tony: You know I could really get used to that.

Kate: (walking up the front path with McGee in tow then notices the sweater) They either left in a hurry. Or were forced to!
McGee: How do you know she just didn't leave it there?
Kate: (looks at McGee like he's gone crazy) Because she's a little girl, McGee! (then says the stereotype of a boy) They're not typically slobs!
McGee: Remind me to introduce you to my little sister!
Kate: (using a Gibbs comeback) What was that?
McGee: (scared out of his wits) Nothing Agent Todd!

Abby: (yelling as Tony winces) Okay Gibbs your mic is coming in loud and clear! Who's that in the office with him?(jokes) The Devil?
Gibbs: Hey, hey, hey, hey! (signs something to her)
Abby: (signs "sorry")
Tony: You know? Seeing as no-one in this room is actually deaf that is really annoying!
Gibbs: What can you tell me about the voice?
Abby: It sounds like this Partical Physisist I used to date! He had these tiny little chiclet-like teeth and an Eiffle Tower tattoo!
Gibbs: (shakes the Caf-Pow) Do you want this Abby or not?
Abby: Okay! Obviously it's being disguised! I think I can filter it back to it's origional state!
Tony: You think?
Voice Masked: (as it is really high-pitched) "she is a little beauty, she is a little beauty"!
Tony: Yeah! Okay I'll get that APB out on the lollypop guild!
Abby: Patience Tony!
Voice Masked: (really slow and low) "little Beauty"
Voice Un-Masked: "He was right about one thing, she is a little beauty"
Gibbs: Not bad! (passes her the Caf-Pow)
Abby: Thank you Gibbs!
Gibbs: Next thing I need you to do is hack into Captain Watsons computer!
Abby: (chokes on her Caf-Pow) Gibbs! We're talking about the Pentagon here! Even their encryptions have encryptions!
Gibbs: Yeah? That Dirt-Bag somehow managed it!
Abby: it probably took him months! Our best bet is to ask the DOD for access to their system!
Gibbs: No cause the first thing they'll do is sever the connection! And if that happens. We'll end up with two dead dependants!
Abby: I don't think I can do it!
Gibbs: Tony. Get McGee on the hook!
Abby: (fighting her emotions grabs his phone) No! (moving out of his reach) I'll get in!
Gibbs: Yeah?
Abby: Yeah!
Gibbs: I believe you!
Tony: (after Gibbs has walked out he turns the phone off) When has Gibbs been wrong before?

The Good Wives Club [2.2][edit]

Tony: Let me guess, you never inhaled.
McGee: I inhaled.
Tony: Yeah?
McGee: Once. A little bit.
Tony: How was it?
McGee: Didn't like it.
Kate: You didn't like it?
McGee: No...
Tony and Kate: He didn't inhale.

Gibbs: Put someone in a wedding dress
Kate: Tony would look cute.
Gibbs: No. He's off interviewing the victim's parents.
Kate: Well, McGee then.
Gibbs: No, he's with Tony.
Kate: Abby.
Gibbs: No, up to her tats in forensic tests.
Kate: Well, what about you? [Gibbs looks at her] You won't have to wear the dress. (smiles awkwardly then looks at her wrist as Gibbs shackles her in) This isn't what I had in mind. I wanted to observe!
Gibbs: I'm observing!
Kate: (raises her arm to a more comfortable position) Okay. So she could make it to the toilet but couldn't make it to the threshold of the tunnel! (pulls on it) Ow!

Tony: Do you know what bongos are? Well the beatnik is playing them in my head!
Gibbs: Tony, Kate, McGee. MTAC now!
Tony: (mutters) Tony, Kate, McGee? (louder) Tony, Kate, McGee!
Kate: (walking with Tony) Beatnik gone?
Tony: (nodding) Yeah!
Kate: Cool! (starts clicking her fingers rhythmically)

Kate: You find the perfect 50's woman and she almost kills you DiNozzo!
Tony: She was so obediant!
Kate: Yeah. It's scary how impressed you are by that!

Vanished [2.3][edit]

[Watching Gibbs conduct an interrogation]
Tony: I think Gibbs enjoys this more than sex.
Kate: That would explain the three wives.

Kate: You know. Most people tend to their personal hygeine at home!
Tony: (clipping his nails) What? This bothers you?
Kate: No, What bothers me is that it doesn't bother me anymore!

Lt. Jane Doe [2.4][edit]

Tony: Hey Boss. Got statements from Seamen Jennings and Wilkins. Can I cut them loose? They've been at sea a long time.
Gibbs: Know where to find them?
Tony: Motel at Virginia Beach. Girlfriends are waiting.
Gibbs: Yeah. [Tony signals to the Seamen to leave]
Tony: [to Kate] Haven't been with their women in 6 months, 3 weeks and 18 hours. [shudders] Longest I went was 11 days, 6 hours.
Kate: I can't believe you actually know these things.
Tony: It's a gift.

[Gibbs enters Abby's lab to find McGee lying on the floor fixing the wiring in Abby's computer]
Gibbs: Special Agent Goodwrench?

(Tony shows the Bartender a picture of the victim.)
Bartender: Such a sweet countenance.
Tony: Sweet countenance?
Bartender: Yeah, that radiant look on her face.
Tony: She doesn't look radiant, she's dead.
Bartender: In that picture?
Tony: Yeah, she's dead.
Bartender: She's dead?
Tony: She's dead. Why do ya think her eyes are closed.
Bartender: I thought she was meditating.

[Gibbs gets off the phone and notices Kate standing in front of his desk grinning]
Gibbs: Gas pain?
Kate: [smile fades away] What? No!
Gibbs: Well, then stop grinning and tell me what you got
Kate: When he found the first Jane Doe while jogging, Petty Officer Goetz was in port on a carrier, the Teddy Roosevelt.
Gibbs: [looks through his case files] Agent Dawes interrogated him a number of times, on The Big Stick and here.
Kate: The Big Stick?
Gibbs: Teddy Roosevelt. "Talk softly, carry a big stick."
Kate: [realizes] Big stick! Cute. [continues] Goetz stayed in the Navy, is a Chief and arrived in Norfolk in the same carrier as the seamen who found our Jane Doe. The "Honest Abe"?
Gibbs: Shall not perish.
Kate: What?
Gibbs: Lincoln is not the "Honest Abe". It's "Shall Not Perish".
Kate: [bemused] What kind of nickname is "Shall Not Perish"?
Gibbs: [resumes his work] Ask Chief Goetz when you pull him in for questioning.
Kate: Ok. [goes back to her desk]
McGee: The Emancipator!
[Gibbs looks up at McGee]
McGee: That would be a good name for the Abraham Lincoln. [Gibbs looks at him] Since he signed the Emancipation Proclamation.... [Gibbs continues staring him down until McGee realizes and stops talking.]

Tony: Nothing says welcome to manhood as perfectly as a skillful lapdance.

Ducky: Unlike the living, when the dead speak, they do not lie.

Bartender: Some man raped and murdered her!? [glares at Tony]
Tony: Yeah, and it wasn't me. I'm trying to catch the guy who did!

Abby: You touch that, McGee, you'll be singing soprano!

The Bone Yard [2.05][edit]

[Tony and Gibbs are sparring in the boxing ring]
Tony: Learned how to box in the Marines?
Gibbs: No. Corps doesn't teach boxing.
Tony: [grins] That's your loss!
[Gibbs floors Tony with a single move]
Gibbs: They teaching fighting.

[Kate has McGee pinned on the floor]
Kate: Have I mentioned that I was hand-picked to protect the President of the United States?
McGee: Five times!
[Tony comes up to them to gawk at McGee]
Tony: Are you gonna take that abuse McGee?
McGee: No! [flips Kate over and pins her on the floor]
Kate: I like it McGee! Why were you holding back?
McGee: Well you...I mean I've never wrestled--
Kate: A girl? [to Tony] Tony, I look like a girl to you?
Tony: All I see are two NCIS special agents.
Kate: Me too! [kicks McGee in the crotch, Tony cringes]
[...]
[McGee is still on the floor wincing in pain]
Tony: [attempting to comfort McGee] She had three older brothers and I think there's some unresolved issues there.
McGee: You think??

Gibbs: With luck, he'll spit on my boots.
Kate: Looking for a reason to whack him in the head Gibbs?
Gibbs: No. To shoot him.

Deluca: Hey! Agent Gibbs! Are you deaf or nuts?!
Gibbs: A little of both.

Fornell: Anyone ever told you you're an insufferable bastard?
Gibbs: [pleased] Yeah.

FBI Agent: Are you always a smart-ass?
Tony: Just to you boys from the Hoover building.

Fornell: Realising how sad this sounds, you're the closest thing I have to a friend, Gibbs.
Gibbs: [bemused] You dying or something? Ok, not dying. Is this some part of a twelve-step program?

[Kate and Tony go undercover posing as a trashy couple going for a paternity test.]
Kate: You writin' my name, right?
Tony: What? I just wanna know if it's mine. [to nurse] She kinda sleeps around a lot, if you know what I mean.
Kate: If I did, it's cuz he ain't any good in bed.
Tony: Least I didn't sleep with my cousin.
Kate: You slept with my sista!
Tony: I thought it was you!
Kate: She weighs 300 pounds.
Tony: She was wearing your earrings.
Receptionist: That's enough! If you two can't be civil, I'm going to have to ask you to leave.
Kate: Look, is there anywhere I can wait away from him? Please? I'm beggin' you.
Receptionist: There's an empty exam room behind you two doors on the right.
Kate: Thank you. [She flings her gum at Tony as she leaves.]
Tony: I'm sorry. [to person sitting in the waiting room] She slept with my brother. And my best friend. At the same time.

Abby: Gibbs is going to kill you.
McGee: What, why me?
Abby: I'm not telling him.

Kate: Wow, I thought you were the only one who could piss him off like that.
Tony: You never met his second wife.

Jimmy Napalitano: I'll kill your brothers, your uncles, your father, and after the funerals I'll kill you.
Gibbs: No brothers. No uncles. My father passed years ago. I do have three ex-wives whose names and addresses I will gladly fax on to you. [Jimmy hangs up on him] Huh! He hung up!

Terminal Leave [2.6][edit]

Willy: Have you shot anybody?
Tony: Not this week.

Tony: I want double overtime for this, boss. That kid's a nightmare.
Gibbs: He reminds me of you.

Jimmy: Yeah. When I was a kid, I used to bury our pets under our porch till my mom found out. She was pretty upset.
Ducky: They didn't want you to bury your pets?
Palmer: No. We lived on the tenth floor of an apartment building.

Abby: (after attempting a technical explanation to Gibbs, gives up) Machine making pretty pictures now.

[Kate catches Tony listening through the door to Jen's room as her parents yell at her.]

Kate: (whispering) What are you doing?!
Tony: Uh... listening.
Kate: That is just wrong.
Tony: Sneaking your horny boyfriend into a house filled with armed federal agents who are on the lookout for Al-Qaeda assassins, that's wrong, Kate. Me, I'm just trying to gather some valuable intel so I can do my job better.
[They both nod, then put their ears to the door.]

Call of Silence [2.7][edit]

Gibbs: [takes Kate aside] Corporal Ernest Yost. Dig up his SRB.
Kate: Got a Social Security number?
Gibbs: They didn't use them for serial numbers when he served.
Kate: So how am I supposed to get his SRB without a serial number.
Gibbs: Well, Kate, you can ask him.
Kate: Gibbs, I doubt that he could remember his--
Gibbs: Corporal Yost!
Yost: Yo!
Gibbs: Serial number!
Yost: 330090, sir!
[Gibbs smiles and walks away. Kate looks on in amazement.]

Abby: This weapon is circa early 1940s.
Gibbs: Year or two before I joined the Corps. [smiles at Abby]

Yost [to Tony] What do you know? You weren't even a gleam in your old man's eye!

Yost: It's not a water cooler, it's called a scuttlebutt. How long you been in the Corps, kid?
Tony: Since I met Gibbs.

[Commander Faith Coleman is furious to find out that Yost is not in the NCIS building. Unknown to her, Gibbs had Tony secretly take Yost home.]
Coleman: Please don't insult me by telling me he escaped.
Gibbs: The older they are, the sneakier they are!
Kate: Yost complained of a weak bladder. He had to use the restroom every ten minutes. We gave up escorting him and one time he just didn't come back.
McGee: Found a window open. He must've shimmied down that drain pipe.
Coleman: [sarcastically] Ah, I'd liked to have seen that.
Gibbs: We think the weak bladder was a trick to get us to let down our guard.
Kate: We're sick about it, Commander.
Coleman: Yes I can see that you all look absolutely devastated.
McGee: I put out an APB. Airports, train stations, taxi cabs, walker rentals.

Gibbs: Look at him, Commander, in agony over something he didn't do.
Coleman: How do you know?
Gibbs: [looks at Cdr Coleman] Ever been in combat?
Coleman: No.
Gibbs: The only one you depend on is the buddy next to you. He's closer to you than your brother. Why would you smash his head in?
Coleman: God only knows.
Gibbs: Well, he had better tell me 'cause I don't understand and neither does Yost.

Gibbs: Come on, Corporal. Let a Gunny buy you dinner.
Yost: You... you were never an officer?
Gibbs: Ah, hell no!
Yost: I knew there was something I liked about you.

Yost: You conned me, Gunny.
Gibbs: Nah. Would I do that to you?
Yost: You're damn right you would. And I want to thank you for it. [to Yoshida] And you were never on Iwo Jima?
Hiroshi Yoshida: Iwo Jima, no.
Yost: [wagging a finger at Gibbs] Ahhh...
Yoshida: Guadalcanal.

Heart Break [2.8][edit]

Abby: So, I hear you're not a fan of SHC.
Gibbs: Is that a band?
Abby: Spontaneous Human Combustion.
Gibbs: Don't waste my time, Abbs.
Abby: If you ever read my master's thesis, you may become a believer.
Gibbs: Doubt it...
Abby: I can show you photos of what was left of a 240 pound woman.
Gibbs: Yeah? I bet you won't.
Abby: She was sitting in a chair. All that was left were blackened seat springs, a section of back bone, one foot, still in a satin slipper, and ten pounds of ashes. The rest of her apartment was untouched.

Tony: You know, I was thinking about becoming a doctor.
Kate: Really? You, a doctor?
Tony: Anthony DiNozzo, comma, M.D.
Kate: [laughs] Let me guess, a gynecologist?
Tony: Oooh... no. I was thinking more dermatologist. Normal hours, big bucks, never an emergency. I mean, nobody ever died from a zit.
McGee: I had a terrible case of acne as a kid.
Tony: Of course you did, Probie.

Palmer: [to a dead body] I'm going to have to lock you up for the night, Commander.
Abby: [in a deep voice] NO! Don't put me back in the dark!
[Palmer jumps back]
Palmer: Abby! You made me almost...
Abby: [smiling] I made you almost what...? [in a deep voice] Jimmy?

Forced Entry [2.9][edit]

[The team arrive at the crime scene.
Gibbs: Break out the gear. I'll coordinate with the MPs. [hands coffee to Tony] You drink that, DiNozzo, you're dead.
[...]
Tony: [hands Gibbs' coffee to an oblivious McGee] Coffee, Probie. Looks like you could use it.
McGee: Oh. Thanks, Tony.
Tony: Don't mention it. [smiles as he walks away]
McGee: [to Kate] I think he's finally starting to warm up to me.
[Kate looks away and smiles]
[...]
[McGee enters crime scene sipping the coffee just as Gibbs is walking out]
Gibbs: Enjoying that coffee, McGee?
McGee: Uh, yeah.
Gibbs: It's not too hot?
[Kate and Tony smile at each other. Gibbs glares at McGee and walks away. McGee spots Kate and Tony laughing quietly to each other and realizes he has been pranked.]
McGee: [embarrassed] It's your coffee. I'm sorry Boss. I'll get you another one. [turns to Kate and Tony] Thanks.
Kate: Yeah, maybe next time you should remember Rule 23.
Tony: Is that the one about not marrying a woman who eats more than you do?
MP Sgt. Hegarty: Never mess with a Marine's coffee, if you want to live, Agent DiNozzo.
Tony: [laughs at McGee] Yeah.
[Kate pats McGee's back as he walks out the door]
Tony: Dead man walking!

Laura Rowans: Let me guess, you take it black, Agent Gibbs? Marines always do. What about you Agent McGee? Cream and sugar?
[McGee is about to accept, Gibbs looks at him]
McGee: Uh, you know what, I still have to take some photos outside, so maybe later but thank you. [hurriedly leaves]
Laura: Is he old enough to be an NCIS agent?
Gibbs: [deadpan] I ask myself that everyday.

McGee: Every road with access into Quantico is blocked by armed gate guards. There's Marines everywhere. Why would a rapist choose a victim here?
Sgt. Hegarty: Maybe he's got a death wish, Agent McGee.
McGee: There's easier ways to die.

[Tony and McGee are arguing over whether Laura Rowans should be brought in for questioning]
Kate: Hey!! Hey!! My god, I swear the two of you are worse than my brothers, and they're practically psychotic!
[Gibbs walks and they discuss the case and suspects]
Gibbs: Hey, Kate. Your brothers are really like that?
Kate: Sadly, yes.
Gibbs: Huh. Explains a lot.

Abby: Jeremy Davison has no criminal record, Gibbs. He's a civilian, he has no ties to the military, his prints don't match any open casefiles. The boy doesn't even have a speeding ticket. I mean, we're talking cleaner than clean. Whiter than white. You could put him in the lineup with snow, snow is going to jail.
Gibbs: Or it just means he's never been caught.
Abby: [resignedly] Or it just means he was never caught.

Tony: Oh I've so got to get one of these!
Kate: DiNozzo?
Tony: I'm talking about the plasma, Kate!
Kate: (shocked) What? You're a member?
McGee: (defensive) No! No she just created the page to look online!
Abby: I did a little trial and error with Laura Rowan's screen name, HomeAlone325, and Jeremy Davison's, NiceGuy653. Care to guess which fetish they have in common, Kate?
Kate: No, no. I'm going to hell just listening to all of this.
Abby: Rape fantasy!

[Michelle and Jeremy Davison attempt to escape from the hospital]
Michelle: [to Jeremy] Those first two Navy cops were dumb but their boss wasn't. Did you see the way he was looking at me?
[Gibbs walks up to them and Tony and Kate have their SIGs aimed and ready]
Tony: Hey! [points his gun at Michelle and Jeremy] Does that sound harsh to you Kate?
Kate: Very.
[Michelle reaches into her pocket for a gun]
Tony: Go for it, honey!
Kate: My first round's going through your right eye-socket, Lady!
Kate: (disgusted) DiNozzo? (walks over to him)
DiNozzo: One sec! I'm looking into the suspects state of mind!
Kate: (snatches the emails out of his hand) I've read them! And they're all pretty much the same!
DiNozzo: (shocked) Well...I've only read two and if you think there all the same then we definately need to have a talk!
Kate: (smirks) Yeah, well...twelve years at Catholic school says that ain't ever gonna happen! (stalks off)
DiNozzo: (gapes) Do you still have the pleated skirt? (follows her)

Chained [2.10][edit]

Tony: Kate, Kate?
Motorcycle Rider: Who's Kate?
Tony: My dog. She must have run away after the crash.
Motorcycle Rider: What does she look like?
Tony: A Shih-Tzu.
Motorcycle Rider: A what?
Tony: Long brown hair, kinda mangy?

[Kate screams.]
Abby: Is something wrong?
Kate: Gibbs is driving.
Abby: I'm sending a prayer in many languages.

Gibbs: Abs, do you have him?
Abby: [smug] Are you seriously asking me that?
Gibbs: [deadpan] No, I called to flirt.

[McGee is talking to the Deputy Secretary of State in MTAC]
Deputy Secretary of State: And what exactly did agent Gibbs tell you to say to me?
McGee: He told me to tell you... stick it.
Deputy Secretary of State: You're telling me to...?
McGee: Stick it! Thank you, Mrs. Secretary of State, our conversation is now over.
[He signals to cut off the connection. The MTAC staff break into applause.]

McGee: Boss, I told her. The Deputy Secretary of State.
Gibbs: Yeah. Did it work?
McGee: Well, she submitted a formal complaint to the Director.
Gibbs: McGee... Good job.

Tony: You can't drown in a stream, Jeffery. You can get wet, you can get frickin' freezing, but you can't drown!

Black Water [2.11][edit]

Ducky: Do you suspect foul play?
Gibbs: Well, you know me, Ducky. I suspect everything.
Ducky: Yes, that's an admirable trait for an investigator. And also, I suspect, the reason your three marriages ended in divorce.
Gibbs: Really? And all this time, I thought it was because I'm a bastard.

Gibbs: DiNozzo! Grab the gear and see if McGee is still alive.
Tony: On it, boss!

Doppelgänger [2.12][edit]

Abby: [yelling] What?!
Gibbs: [pulls the phone from his ear, looks at it, puts it back to his ear] Yikes, Abby. What did McGee do now?
Abby: Put his size 10 shoe in his size 12 mouth.

[Discussing a suspect]
Tony: He's a freelance computer geek. Made six figures last year.
McGee: Are you wishing you were a computer geek, Tony?
Tony: I'd rather be homeless than be you, Probie.

Gibbs: You, blood spatters!
Abby: (hangs head and shuffles away) Yo ho heave ho...

McGee: One man's Linux is another man's OS/2

McGee: You just ruled out both suspects.
Abby: No, I didn't. I just proved someone smoked Llamas at Rock Creek park.
[McGee dials Gibbs. Cut to Gibbs making out with Karen. He picks up the phone.]
Gibbs: Gibbs.
McGee: Boss. I don't know if this is important, but-
Gibbs: McGee, this better be the most important phone call you make in your life.
[McGee tries to hand the phone to Abby, she dives out of the way.]

Niles: Wow, I'm amazed you found that.
McGee: Actually, I didn't. Our forensic scientist, Abby Scuito, did.
Niles: Wow, this Scuito, she must be hot.
[...]
Gibbs: He wanted us to look for a body.
McGee: We still would be if Abby hadn't found the hinky blood trail.
Niles: Man, I got to meet this woman.
McGee: She's probably not your type. Tattoos, piercings, dark make-up...
Niles: She Goth?
McGee: Uh-huh.
Niles: I love Goth.

Abby: Nobody gets everything right the first time, McGee. Except Gibbs.

Abby: It's more addictive than pistachios.
[Odd looks from Gibbs and McGee]
Abby: Well, have you ever just eaten one pistachio?

The Meat Puzzle [2.13][edit]

Gibbs: You stick to him like an ex-wife after an alimony check.

Kate: Gibbs, what did Ducky look like when he was younger?
Gibbs: [grinning] Ilya Kuryakin.
[N.B. When he was younger, David McCallum (Ducky) played the role of Soviet secret agent Ilya Kuryakin in the TV series The Man from U.N.C.L.E.]

Tony: [referring to Ducky's elderly mother] Her last words to me were either "I'm gonna slit your throat" or "kiss your moat." I couldn't tell 'cause she was slurring.

Tony: Tony DiNozzo. Italian, gigolo, furniture mover.

Gibbs: The homicide detective, that completes the team.
Ducky: You're forgetting the medical examiner.
Jimmy: Oh, that's you!

Ducky: Mother, this is Caitlin. [Ducky's mother spits at Kate] Mother, we talked about this. She is here to protect us!
Mrs. Mallard: Show me your knickers.
Kate: [shocked] Ma'am?
Mrs. Mallard: Underwear, missy! I can always tell a woman's intentions by her panties.
Tony: It's always been my philosophy.

Kate: You're relieved, Tony.
Tony: Oh, thank you. [pointing to the dog] This is Contessa, she likes it rough.

Mrs. Mallard: [eyeing Tony suspiciously] I have a knife in my brassiere.

[Palmer, Gibbs and McGee in the autopsy room examining a suspect's dental x-rays]
Gibbs: [points to x-ray] He gnaws his bones like a caveman?!

Witness [2.14][edit]

Abby: I enjoy going to the dentist.
Kate: What could you possibly enjoy?
Abby: A little pain is a good thing, Kate.

Gibbs: What did the urine tell you, Abby?
Abby: Oh all kinds of stuff, we had a really good talk.

Gibbs: [About Tony] You may not admire his methods, but you gotta love the results.

McGee: What do you got, Abs?
Abby: [to Gibbs] Do I have to answer the newbie?
Gibbs: Humor him.

Abby: There were traces of cocaine in the box.
McGee: So Tony was right, he was dealing drugs.
Abby: Maybe not, the traces were microscopic so it could just be from hiding money.
[McGee looks confused.]
Abby: He calls himself a federal agent.
Gibbs: U.S. money supply is contaminated with traces of cocaine.
McGee: I thought that was an urban myth.
Abby: Give me a bill.
McGee: Huh?
Abby: Give me a bill!
[McGee hands her a bill.]
Gibbs: A hundred?
McGee: Yeah, I like to be prepared for any emergency.
Abby: You are such a boy scout.
[Abby rubs bill on paper.]
Abby: Money is a great receptor because the ink never really dries. One bill used to snort cocaine then going through an ATM leaves minute traces of the drugs on thousands of others. Four out of five bills in circulation are contaminated to a level that can be detected by drug dogs.
[Abby goes back to work, without giving back the bill.]
McGee: Um, Abs?
Abby: Yeah?
McGee: Forgetting something?
Abby: No.

[Tony and Kate are having a food fight]
Gibbs: Any more food fights in here, I'm joining in. With peas.
Kate: Frozen peas?
Gibbs: Nope. In the can.

Caught on Tape [2.15][edit]

Tony: At least I don't hang out with married people.
Kate: [to Abby] Would you please tell him that a man and a woman can just be friends?
Abby: Absolutely they can.
Tony: Without having sex?
Abby: Oh no, they'll have sex.
Kate: Abby?!
Abby: What? Come on, Kate, haven't you ever slept with a friend?
Kate: [upset] What is wrong with you people?
Gibbs: [steps in] Good question, Kate. (sees the dog with a pink present ribbon and a choker around it's neck) What'd you do to the dog?
Kate: Taking care of her...unless you want to!
Gibbs: (laughs) No.
DiNozzo: (looks around scratching his head) Has anyone seen my ball-cap. I know i left it right here!
Kate/Abby: No!

Abby: Hey Gibbs, do you have a camcorder?
Gibbs: [goes back into lab] Yeah. Digital, ok?
Abby: Good, Gibbs. Way to go! [as Gibbs is walking out] Did you make the jump to CDs yet? [Gibbs pauses and turns around to look at her] 'Cause if you didn't, it's cool. 'Cause all the hot DJs, they use vinyl these days anyway.
Gibbs: [stares at Abby blankly] Just get it to me. [walks away]
Abby: Gibbs! [Gibbs stops] Peace out man!
[Gibbs rolls his eyes and exits]

[Kate and Gibbs are pursuing their suspect William Runion. Runion is hiding the bushes as Kate runs past.]
Runion: Idiots.
[From behind, Gibbs cocks his SIG and points at Runion's head]
Gibbs: Put your hands behind your head.
Runion: [shocked] How did you--
Gibbs: Sneak up on you like that?
Runion: [hands on his head] Yeah...
Gibbs: Used to do it for a living. Back then you'd be dead instead of under arrest. Any other questions?
Runion: Uh-uh
Gibbs: Didn't think so.

Abby: [reading lips of people on a tape] "We have to..." something. "We have to - blank - him."
McGee: Kill?
Kate: Murder?
Tony: Love? [Gibbs slaps him] Ow. I really wish you'd stop doing that!
Gibbs: I will, Tony! When you stop "blanking" up!

McGee: [referring to the poison ivy covering half his face.] So, honestly how do I look?
Abby: Um... Do you want the truth, or do you want me to lie to you to, uh... ease the burden of your own self-loathing?
McGee: I'd prefer the lie.
Abby: Me, too. You're the fairest in the land, McGee.

Tony: I'll take it. I've always wanted a dog. [The dog growls and tries to bite him.]
Kate: Good dog. I think I'll call you Tony.
Gibbs: It's a bitch, Kate.
Kate: I know.

Tony: Looks like we're going to play Gibbs' favorite game...
Abby: Ooo! Musical interrogation rooms!

[Ducky and Jimmy Palmer are examining a corpse which has been partially chewed off by scavengers]
Ducky: Indiscriminate predators, coyotes. Fish, cats, garbage, they'll eat anything they can chew. Unlike my mother who can no longer chew anything. I assure you, Mr Palmer, it is a beastly sight.
Palmer: Yes is it, doctor.
Ducky: [looks at Palmer] I was speaking of my mother.
Palmer: [looks up at Ducky] Right.

[Gibbs is interrogating suspect William Runion]
Gibbs: Why did you run?
Runion: Because of the pot in my trailer. I got a medical condition.
Gibbs: What?! Stupidity?

Pop Life [2.16][edit]

Abby: We'll figure it out together, Jimmy.
Jimmy: Oh please, call me Jimmy
Abby: I just did.

McGee: (walks in on Abby and Palmer super glued together) Palmer, what the hell are you doing?
Abby: You know, you didn't have to yell at him. Jimmy is terrified of you now.
McGee: He is? Cool.

Ducky: The knife missed her vital organs so the wound, in and of itself, was not fatal.
Gibbs: She didn't bleed to death.
Ducky: Exactly. Her body contained four liters of blood, so there was no exsanguination.
Gibbs: Ducky...
Ducky: I'm sorry, it's such a lovely word, exsanguination, I can't help saying it. (laughs nervously as Gibbs just looks at him.) Moving on...

Tony: Twinkle Toes, Candy Pants, stay behind your mom here.

Tony: I knew this girl once. She squeaked. She made this little squeaking...
Kate: Tony! You want to tell Ducky that story?
Gibbs: He's heard it. We all have.

Jay: Who are you?
Tony: Same as Kate. Well not exactly.

Tony: (focusing on strippers behind) How's that?
Abby: Well it's art but we kinda need a shot of her face.

Tony: Boss, I don't know if you want to see this but you probably should...

Tony: (To Witness) Look, there is always something you remember about every woman, something you'll remember in twenty years time... something small and subtle... a piece of jewelry, a laugh... a smell.
Kate: Ugh, I feel like I've died and woke up in a Calvin Klein Ad.

Ducky: (To Kate and Tony) We need to look a little deeper. There is clearly a latent sibling rivalry here, being expressed by your adolescent and sexually-charged bickering. It all stems from a desperate desire to please a father figure, and I think we all know who that is!
Kate: What has this got to do with my tuna fish sandwich?

Kate: We need a mediator Ducky or I'm going to have to go to Employee Relations.
Tony: Which would be tattling!
Kate: No, Employee Relations is not tattling!
Tony: It's the adult version of I'm telling mummy.
Kate: You're so juvenile!
Tony: Am not.
Kate: Are so!
Tony: Am not!
Kate: We need an unofficial mediator Ducky.
Ducky: Well, did you try Gibbs?
Kate: Ugh...
Ducky: Good point.
Kate: We thought of McGee.
Tony: But, we have no respect for him.
Kate: And then we thought of you!
Ducky: I see, third on the short list. Well, at least I beat out Abby.
Tony: Well, we just came from there.
Kate: She turned us down.
Ducky: Oh.

Tony: I didn't think you would notice!
Kate: Oh stealing food is okay if no one notices!
Tony: It wasn't stealing, it was sharing.
Kate: It was my lunch! I don't want to share my lunch!
Tony: See you just said it was sharing!
Ducky: Excuse me. Show a little respect, this is a place of peace and dignity.
Tony: That was before Kate got here.

Tony: Suspect claims he went to bed with one woman and woke up with another.
Abby: That happens to girls, too. At night, some guy seems all dark and gnarly, and then you wake up and his tattoos are fake and he works at a bank.
McGee: I used to work at a bank.
Abby: Your tat is real and you don't disappoint me.

Tony: Little miss tighty pants here blows it out of proportion.

Gibbs: (to suspect) You went home with one woman and woke up with another.
Tony: I hate it when that happens...

Gibbs: I need the condoms tested.
Abby: Not what you want to hear first thing in the morning...

Abby: (about stripper) Wow Kate! How'd you get her to do that?

Gibbs: Paranoid.
Tony: Sounds like someone I know.

Tony: Are you done yet? (Standing over McGee, eating a cookie. Wipes crumbs off of McGee's head)

Tony: (after Gibbs takes the last cookie) That's so not right. [edit]

(Tony watching a singer/dancer at the club, nodding his head up and down with the music)
Gibbs: Tony stop jumping up and down. We can't see.

Willie: I dunno about you, but I've slept with a lot of women.
Tony: I wouldn't know anything about that Willy, I'm a Mormon.

Ducky: I'm flattered that you would entrust your relationship to me. It will be rather like.... marriage counseling. (smiles, Tony and Kate give a look)
Tony: Oh, let's not use those words.

Gibbs: Are you done?
Tony: Almost.
Gibbs: Done or fired. Those are your options.
Tony: Done.

Gibbs: DiNozzo!
(Tony is snoring)
Kate: I'll wake him up.
Gibbs: No. I got a better idea. (Speeds up then slams on the brakes. Tony is now awake)
Kate: Bad dream, DiNozzo?!
Tony: I... wha... uh... wha...

An Eye for an Eye [2.17][edit]

Tony: A dead transsexual sailor, his spook instructor and a pair of human eyes walk into a bar, what's the punchline Kate?
Kate: Whatever it is, it involves this girl and Paraguay.
Tony: That's true, but not very funny. Probie! Make me laugh!
McGee: Okay, the bartender doesn't believe it so he asks the spook instructor 'what the hell is going on?' And the guy says 'what, guy can't have a drink with his pupils?'
[Unknown to McGee, Gibbs has walked up and is standing behind him.]
Gibbs: [from behind] You think this is a joke McGee?
McGee: [realizes Gibbs is behind him] Um, no I don't.
Gibbs: Good answer. Tony, you're with me in MTAC. Kate, get Purcell in here. We need to talk. [heads upstairs to MTAC]
McGee: He hates me, doesn't he.
Kate: Hate's a pretty strong word.
Tony: More like a mild dislike.
Kate: You did spill his coffee.
Gibbs: [from stairs] Today! DiNozzo! [Tony leaves]
Kate: [pats McGee on shoulder] Gibbs will get over it.
McGee: When?
Kate: Well, let's see. Last year Tony spilled his coffee and he warmed up to him... oh, about an hour ago. So, roughly eight to ten months.

[Gibbs, Tony and Kate are sitting in at a class to observe a lecturer]
Lt Cdr Purcell: Now that we've learned a bit about recruiting double agents, let's take a moment to consider some of the risks involved. Anybody?
[Tony raises his hand]
Gibbs: [looks to Tony] DiNozzo, would you like to become left-handed?

[Inside MTAC]
Lt. Col. Bushnell: I got your email, Special Agent Gibbs. To tell you the truth, I was shocked - when did you learn to use a computer?
[...]
Bushnell: To old times Gunny.
Gibbs: Old times, Skipper, old times.
[Video conference ends]
Tony: What's that supposed to mean?
Gibbs: You ask me again in seven years.
Tony: Why seven years?
Gibbs: It's when the Freedom of Information Act kicks in.

[After Abby fails to detect where Gibbs is hiding after sneaking into her lab]
Abby: You are getting sneakier the older you get!
Gibbs: Not to mention better-looking.

Bikini Wax [2.18][edit]

Kate: Look all I am trying to say is that it is very unprofessional. Gibbs would never walk in here and tell us how much he paid for his shirt.
Tony: That's because the prices at Sears have been pretty consistent since the late 70's.
Gibbs: [entering] We have a body in Virginia. McGee?
McGee: Yeah.
Gibbs: Call Ducky.
McGee: Got it.
Tony: Hey, uh, boss? Have you had a chance to sign off on that missing persons case I gave you?
Gibbs: No, I haven't, DiNozzo. I tried to get to it last night but Sears was having a sale.

Kate: Give him 5 seconds.
McGee: Until what?
Kate: Until he notices there's a ...
Tony: Bikini contest?!

Jimmy: Something wrong, doctor?
Ducky: Her head is in the toilet, Mr. Palmer.
Jimmy: Oh, right.

Gibbs: What about his prints?
Abby: I compared them to the prints that Tony and McGee got from the beach restroom. They didn't jive.
McGee: Must have lifted hundreds of prints. You sure you ran them all?
Abby: [nonchalantly] No McGee, about midway through I got tired so I was just like "screw it".

Gibbs: [to Tony and McGee] If you two don't start working, I will show you hazing, and the Marine Corps does not do wedgies or noogies or melvins.
Tony: Thank you, boss.

Conspiracy Theory [2.19][edit]

Gibbs: [tosses keys to Tony] You're driving, Sex Machine.

[Tony emails Kate an old picture of her winning a wet t-shirt contest.]
Kate: Where did you get this?!
Tony: Wet T-shirt Wall Of Fame, Spring Break '94. Saw it when I was in Panama City last month.
Kate: Oh, my God...
Tony: Yeah, I was going to keep it to myself, but then you decided to tell everyone my pledge name!
Kate: You wouldn't dare!
Tony: Oh?

Gibbs: Make sure he didn't do any of that virus goat rope crap to my thing [gesturing to his computer after Fornell has been using it]
McGee: Goat rope?
Tony: Marine term, Probie.
Kate: It means half way between FUBAR and SNAFU.
McGee: Okay, uh, what's FUBAR?
Kate/Tony: You are!

Abby: Correct as always, my silver-haired fox - I mean, Gibbs, sir, boss.

Abby: See this? [Holds up bandaged finger]
Gibbs: Yes.
Abby: I cut myself today installing a graphics card in my computer.
Gibbs: Okay. Do you want me to kiss it or something?
Abby: That would be really nice, but it's not my point.

McGee: So what's the plan? Good cop/bad cop?
Kate: More like bad cop/scary cop, McGee.
McGee: Which one is which?
Kate: You'll have to ask their ex-wives to find out.

Red Cell [2.20][edit]

Gibbs: You tell Abby I want her.
Abby [entering the room from behind him] Oh Gibbs, I never knew!

Kate: I hate to say it, but that was actually smart, Tony.
Gibbs: What was, Kate?
Kate: Tony might have figured out how to find the hacker.
Gibbs: It's his job. You think I keep him around for his personality?

McGee: What kind of interrogation technique is that?
Gibbs: The DiNozzo method. Not pretty but it's effective.

Tony: Hey, turn that frown upside down, sweetie... we're going back to college!
Kate: Your problem, Tony, is you never left.

McGee: Is Gibbs still mad at me?
Tony: About what, probie? Dead marine on campus? Missing petty officer? Computer hacker who might be part of a radical peace movement? None of these things are your fault, really... But sending Gibbs on a panty raid?
Kate: He's going to kill you.

Gibbs: You find my hacker yet?
Tony: McGee's upstairs working on it.
Gibbs: I didn't ask McGee. I asked my Senior Field Agent. I want that damn hacker! [walks out the room]
Tony: Did you hear that, Palmer?
Palmer: He sounded pretty upset.
Tony: No. [smiles] He called me his Senior Field Agent. Finally.

Abby: You guys are just in time for McGee's crisis of faith. He's starting to realize that there may be someone on this planet who's smarter than he is.
Kate: Oh, I'm looking at one right now.
Tony: Well, Kate, in all fairness, I am the senior field agent, but I think it's an experience that...
Kate: I was talking about Abby, dodo-head.
Abby: [Fake curtsies] Thank you, Kate!

Hometown Hero [2.21][edit]

Kate: Tony's car was towed. Poor baby had to take the bus to work.
Tony: [irritated] You know what kind of people take the bus?
McGee: Yeah, I take the bus.
Tony: Exactly.

Tony: Gibbs is a boat man. He doesn't understand I have to have my car.
McGee: I'm giving you a rental, DiNozzo. What's the big deal?
Tony: Not the same, bus boy. My car's part of my being.

Tony: [while attempting to guess what McGee's first car was, McGee starts to reply] If you say Datsun Honeybee, I'm gonna come over there and smack you.

Gibbs: I need you to take a look, Ducky.
Ducky: What do you expect me to find?
Gibbs: Nothing. I just need to buy more time.
Ducky: Oh Jethro. [smiles] I can spend forever finding nothing.

Tony: You're taking the stairs McGee.
McGee: Why??
Tony: 'Cause I'm not taking an elevator with someone who doesn't know who Gary Cooper was!

Gibbs: McGee! Talk. Make sense.

SWAK [2.22][edit]

Tony: Did you go Sake Bombing last night?
Kate: It's a cold! Ugh! Sake Bombing?
Tony: Come on Kate. Don't tell me you've never heard of Sake Bombing!
Kate: Would I ask if I...(thinks for a minute) Forget it. I don't want to know!
Tony: You take a cup of hot Sake,drop it in a beer,you toss it back and (makes explosion sound)
Kate: (sarcastically) Sake Bombing!
Tony: Great for a cold!
Kate: I'll stick to honey and hot tea thanks!
Tony: McGee. Kate's never heard of Sake Bombing!
McGee: Yeah, I don't think I have either!
Tony: I work with a pair of wankers!
Gibbs: And you make three, DiNozzo!
Tony: And a very good morning to you boss!
Kate: (bunged up) Morning!
Gibbs: Cold or flu?
Kate: Just plain cold but don't worry. I promise to sneeze into my tissues! (to Tony) Unlike some people!
Tony: I have allergies, Kate!
Gibbs: Never had allergies. Never had a cold.
Kate: Never had a cold?
Gibbs: Nope! Never had the flu either.
Kate: Why do I believe that?
Tony: (Sotto voice) If you were a bug, would you attack Gibbs? (Kate smirks at his voice)
McGee: I get colds all the time!
Tony: Sure you do, Probie!
McGee: (hold up a letter) This one is only adressed to Special Agent, NCIS.
Tony: (sees the lipstick mark on the envelope) I think that's mine!
McGee: (holds it out of Tony's reach) Huh? (sarcastically) How do you know?
Tony: (snatches it back) I recognise the lips and the scent!
Kate: (sarcastically) Gummy bears? (a white powder flies into Tony's face)
Gibbs: (whistles to get everyones attention) There has been a letter opened with a white powder. Use the back entrance, you all know the drill!
Kate: (calls to Tony) Tony! (throws a bottle of water at him then calls security) Letter opened in Special Agent Gibbs's Office, dispersed a fine, white powder. Level Two evacuating!
Gibbs: McGee. You up on procedures?
McGee: Yeah. We shower, burn our clothes, get our blood tested, no one leaves the building unless...
Tony: Lucky me! I've won a free trip to Bethesda to be pricked like a pin cushion!
Kate: (hears a clunking noise) They've shut down the air. (panicked for his sake) Lets hit the showers, Tony!
Tony: I thought you'd never ask! Sorry boss!
[In the showers.]
Tony: Who would send me a letter with anthrax?
Kate: Pick a girl, Tony. Any girl.
Tony: That's not funny, Kate.
Kate: Yeah, I know.
Tony: This is serious.
Kate: I know, Tony! I'm sorry.
Tony: At this very instant, someone is incinerating my Ermenegildo Zegna suit, my Armani tie, my Dolce Gabbana shirt and my Gucci shoes!
McGee: You know, it might not be anthrax.
Tony: I like the sound of that, Probie!
McGee: It could be smallpox, bubonic plague, cholera...
Tony: Probie!
McGee: ...foot powder, face powder, talcum powder...
Tony: Honeydust!
McGee: "Honeydust"?
Tony: Honeydust. I give it to girls.
[Kate glares at him but she knows Tony can't see it. He knows it.]
Tony: Women! Sorry, Kate. I give it to "women" at Christmastime. Very sensuous. You apply it with a feather.
Kate: [chuckles] You don't use the whole chicken?
McGee: I never heard of honeydust.
Kate: Yeah, that's because your mother raised you to respect women, McGee.
Gibbs: It makes a woman's skin feel silky smooth. When kissed, it tastes like honey.
[Everybody pokes their heads out of their showers and look in horror/amazement at Gibbs']
Gibbs: Got a box of Honeydust last Christmas. No card.
Tony: Ah... I think the post office screwed up, boss. Somebody else got your bottle of Jack and you got their...
[Tony is cut off by Kate]
Kate: Hey! Doesn't the post office irradiate our mail?
McGee: Yeah, that's right! All federal mail is funneled through the Ion Beam facility at Bridgeport, New Jersey. If it has DNA, it dies.
Tony: The diseases that you name, they-they have DNA?
McGee: They do.
Kate: Oh, you should have let him squirm.
Tony: Ha ha! Then, it's no worries!
Gibbs: (meaning he knew it was Tony who sent him the present) Unless the post office screwed up again.

Tony: So, tell me doc. What have I got?
Dr. Pitt: [sighs] Pneumonic Plague.
Tony: Plague? [chuckles] Plague..
Kate: That's right Tony. Plague. 'Cause only you would go off and get a disease from the Dark Ages.
Tony: I didn't put plague in the letter.
Kate: (leaning in his face yelling) You opened it!
Tony: Yeah. So I opened it. What are you so upset about? It's not like you're lying... [realizes]
Kate: Yeah. That's right,Travolta. I'm infected too.
Tony: [sincere] Oh Kate, I'm sorry.
Kate: Well you're going to be sorrier.
Tony: [all serious] No. Don't tell me Gibbs got it.
Kate: (sits on her hip) Oh no! Just us! But believe me when I say I am going to make your life...HELL!
Tony: How? You can't be any worse than plague!
Kate: (raises her eyebrows questioningly)
Tony: Maybe you can! (to Nurse Emma) Maybe she can!
Kate: I'm warning you DiNozzo! (she turns around suddenly and sneezes loudly)
Tony: And if I get that cold I'm gonna be very pissed!

[Gibbs slaps Tony]
Tony: If I get anthrax, how will you feel?
Gibbs: Not as bad as you, DiNozzo.

Gibbs: The SWAK doesn't mean our bitch can't be a bastard!
Abby: You're so right, Gibbs! I have this friend who is a transvestite and her lips could out-SWAK Angelina Jolie's. Remember McGee, you met her at my birthday party?
McGee: Oh, yeah. The low-cut red dress with the built-in plastic...
[Gibbs smacks McGee.]
Abby: I saw that!
Gibbs: Work, or you'll feel it!
Abby: Not while you're down there!
Gibbs: What?!
Tony: (lays on his bed clicking his fingers) Do you know who I feel like?
Kate: I'm afraid to ask!
Tony: Like the king of cool!
Kate: Elvis?
Tony: Elvis was the king of rock and roll, Travolta is the king of cool!
Kate: Well thanks for the clarification!
Tony: And do you know why I feel like Travolta?
Kate: I feel a movie coming on!
Tony: THE BOY IN THE PLASTIC BUBBLE! Travolta plays this boy born with an immune deficiancy...this was before AIDS! He lived in a giant plastic bubble!
Kate: Tony? (when she gets no answer she starts begging) Tony please! We're stuck here together. Can we just make a pact? Until we're out, I won't make fun of all the stupid things you say, and you won't tell me any more film scenarios. Deal?
Tony: Deal.
Kate: (sleepily) Thank you.
Tony: Emma?
Nurse Emma: Yes
Tony: You'll enjoy this...you look pretty without the mask by the way!
Nurse Emma: (rolls her eyes)
Tony: Rolf Belammy played the doctor and now Rolf Belammy was this big time actor who...
Kate: (pulls the pillow over her head in vain)

Ducky: You were brave to stay with him, Kate!
Kate: (finally shows she really cares about him by breaking down in tears) Uh-huh? (puts her head on his shoulder) He's dying, Ducky!
Gibbs: (ignoring the fact that Kate is crying) Oh, the hell he is!
Abby: You've gotta get a life, Gibbs!
Gibbs: Last thing I need is another wife!
Abby: Life! You gotta get a life!
McGee: Boss! I can't call! They're not gonna be able to hear me! (Gibbs grabs the front of his suit and glares) I'm gonna use the computer!
Abby: Gibbs! Look who else doesn't have a life! Tony came back around midnight!
Gibbs: He does his best work at night!
Abby: (smirks) So he tells us! There's Tony leaving! That's Ben, the mail-boy! He didn't do it!
Gibbs: How d'you know?
Abby: (shocked) He's a Vegan!
Gibbs: Hitler was a Vegan!
Abby: Hitler was a VEGETARIAN! Big difference! Vegan's are so against cruelty they won't even use cosmetics tested on animals!
Abby: This is one smart bitch!
Cassie: Wash your mouth with purple soap!
Abby: Cassie! Wow! Are you surpressing drugs or um...selling them?
Cassie: Working under cover! Everything here is confinscated, even the la perla underwear!
Abby: Nice!
Cassie: Gibbs, is that you playing teletubbie? This the Anthrax letter?
Abby: No it's not Anthrax! It's plague!
Cassie: Thank god! Anthrax scares the hell outta me! May I?
Abby: Yeah!
Cassie: I know that return address! This is too easy, Gibbs! Paper that's traceable!
Gibbs: You know who sent it?
Cassie: No. But I know who they want us to think sent it!
McGee: Cassie!
Cassie: Hey, McGee! Mind if I sit in?
McGee: Yeah, yeah! Hey boss? Cassie and I had parking spaces next to eachother in Norfolk!
Gibbs: Why are you yelling, McGee?
McGee: So you can hear me through your hel...helmet?
Gibbs: The blood tests were negative!
McGee: Sweet!
Gibbs: Not for DiNozzo!
McGee: Positive? Is he gonna be ok?

Twilight [2.23][edit]

[Gibbs brings Tony back to the office, who had been recovering from y.pestis, and is puzzled by Kate and McGee ignoring him]
Tony: [watches the team gear up for a call-out, still ignored, and disconcerted] Maybe I did die.
Gibbs: [stands next to him] You feel that?
Tony: [glances at Gibbs] What?
[Gibbs headslaps him as Tony winces and gives him a dumbfounded look]
Gibbs: [smiles] You're still alive. Welcome back, DiNozzo.

Kate: Damn it Tony I should just take you home and just get you into bed...
[Ducky and Tony look at each other and then back to Kate]

Gibbs: Come on, DiNozzo. We've got problems - someone's trying to kill us again.
Tony:' [to a concerned Abby] I'm sure he didn't mean that.
[Later]
Tony: So someone really is trying to kill us?!

Gibbs: He's not looking for a terrorist cell. He's running it!

Gibbs: You get Fornell in here.
DiNozzo: What should I tell him?
Gibbs: Tell him he's about to make the second biggest mistake of his life!
[Later]
Fornell: My second biggest mistake, Jethro? That’s very dramatic. What was the first?
Gibbs: When you married my second wife.
Fornell: You could have warned me!
Gibbs: I did!

McGee: Is it me, or did he take the whole Ari situation really well?
Tony: That's because he's looking forward to it.
McGee: Looking forward to what?
Tony: To finally getting to kill him.

Gibbs: Protection detail's over, Kate.
Tony: You did good.
Gibbs: For once DiNozzo's right
Kate: [stands up] Wow, I thought I'd die before I ever heard...
[Suddenly, a single gunshot bullet emerges from nowhere, slicing through the air before hitting Kate in the forehead and she falls to the ground, dead. Her blood sprays onto DiNozzo's face, and Gibbs then begins looking for the shooter)
Ari Haswari: [on distant rooftop, coldly, looking up from his sniper rifle] Sorry, Caitlin...
[Camera then shows Kate lying on the rooftop, dead, her eyes wide open and a small pool of blood building up behind her. DiNozzo then looks at her for a second before glancing at the warehouse opposite them. Gibbs follows DiNozzo's gaze]
Gibbs: Ari...

(Bert the hippo farts, followed by a questioning look from Tony)
Abby: He's supposed to make that noise.
Tony: You have a stuffed animal that farts?
Abby: Yeah, it's cool huh...
Tony: Yeah, in a disturbing way.

Season Three[edit]

Kill Ari: Part I [3.1][edit]

[Gibbs is at his desk and has a vision of Kate]
Kate: Why me, Gibbs? Wasn't stopping one bullet enough for you? Why did I have to take two?
Gibbs: I-I don't know.
Kate: You don't know? Come on, Gibbs, what's that famous gut tell you? Why did I die instead of you?

Tony: That's a first.
McGee: He called me "Tim."
Tony: Patted my back.
McGee: It was kind of nice.
Tony: Nice? I don't want nice! It's not Gibbs if he's nice!

(Abby is sitting in her lab looking at a picture Kate drew of her. Kate appears in gothic clothing)
Kate: You're a mess, girl. Red eyes, no makeup. If ever there was a time for black lipstick, it's now.
(Abby begins applying lipstick)
Kate: Remember when we first met? I couldn't believe you were a Forensic Scientist! I always thought goths had bats for pets, or vice-versa.
Abby: I really liked you, Kate. A lot.
Kate: Don't start that again. Wear your pigtails, I love you in pigtails!
(Abby pulls her hair back into pigtails)
Kate: That's better. You were persistent, Abs. First the black lipstick, then the black nail-polish. Next thing you know, I have a tat on my bum.
(Abby giggles)
Kate: Oh God... Ducky's gonna see it! I'm dead, and I'm embarrassed!
(Both laugh, Kate's voice fades away, Abby continues laughing.)

Abby: What can I do for you?... What?
Tony: You're weirder than Gibbs.
Abby: How so?
Tony: He's being nice.
Abby: Gibbs is always nice.
Tony: To you and Ducky, maybe; me, he growls at and smacks on the head.
Abby: Which makes you feel wanted.
Tony: Yeah!

[Tony is protecting Abby from gunfire]
Tony: (lying on top of Abby) Are you hit?
Abby: (gasping) No... You're heavy!
Tony: Sorry.
Abby: (feeling his leg) My god, no wonder you're so heavy, Tony, you're all muscle!
Tony: Abby, shhh!!
Abby: You're packing a nice booty too!
Tony: Hey! Is this how you deal with getting shot at?
Abby: I don't know, it's my first time.

Kate: I appreciate your keeping me covered in front of the others, especially Tony.
Ducky: Yes, I know how modest you are.
Kate: Were. I'm dead now, Ducky. Shouldn't be. Could have killed Ari right here in autopsy.
Ducky: Why did you hesitate?
Kate: His eyes. There was something in his eyes that made me not want to kill him.
Ducky: His eyes were ice to me.

(Gibbs and Ducky are in autopsy talking about Ari)
Ducky: One has to wonder what made him such a sadist.
Gibbs: I don't give a damn! I just want to kill the bastard!

Abby: Hey McGee, take a look at this. I think it's a 308. Stop staring at my butt and get me an evidence jar!

Jen: Hello Jethro! (Gibbs pictures the two of them having sex in Paris) Shall we skip the "You-havn't-changed-a-bit" bull?
Gibbs: Why start lying to each other now Jen?
Jen: Any problem taking orders from me?
Gibbs: As Director or as a woman?
Jen: Either.

Jen: (firmly) Special Agent Gibbs! (he turns around and walks to her) On the job...it is Director Shepeard or Ma'am!
Gibbs: Okay. What about off the job?
Jen: There won't be any "off the job", Agent Gibbs!
Gibbs: That's too bad.(meaning he still loves her) I missed you, Jen!
Jen: (her cheeks flushed) Don't make this difficult, Jethro!
Gibbs: Fair enough. It won't happen again, Director.
Jen: (walks in front of him) We can continue this conversation in private.
Gibbs: (flirting) I've gotta change my clothes. We can talk in my car on the way to the house.
Jen: (warning him) Gibbs!
Gibbs: Hey! I've got a dead agent and a sniper on the loose, I do not have ten minutes to spare!

Kate: Your mother should have washed your mind out with soap! Gibbs leaves with a woman. And your only thought is: Nooner!
Tony: Was not!
Kate: (chuckles) Was too! I've always known what you were thinking, Tony! (pauses when she sees his face) What? What are you up too? (gasps as she sees her outfit) Tony, I just died, and you're having a sexual fantasy?
Tony: (exhales erotically) I can't help it!
Kate: (pushes her skirt down as Tony blows it up to see her knickers) DiNozzo!
Tony: (admits his feelings) Sometimes I used to picture you naked!
Kate: (screams)

Jen: This the same boat you were building six years ago?
Gibbs: Nope!
Jen: What happened to it?
Gibbs: I burned her!
Jen: Why would you...you named it after an ex-wife?
Gibbs: Lets go!
Jen: Which one?
Gibbs: You know damn well "which one"!
Jen: Why didn't you just change the name?
Gibbs: Because it wouldn't matter! Everytime I went out on her I'd think of Diane!
Jen: You could have sold it!
Gibbs: And watch some other guy sail off on her?
Jen: (meaning sex) You didn't care who sailed off on Diane! Leroy Jethro Gibbs. You are a strange man!
Gibbs: Me? (scoffs) You were a good agent Jen!
Jen: Were?
Gibbs: Yeah! Director's job is pure politics!
Jen: I'm good at politics! NCIS needs someone who can shake the money tree on the hill AND work with sister agencies!
Gibbs: Wait! You won't call a boat a 'She'...but it's 'Sister Agencies'?
Jen: I'm a schitzoid libber! Comes from working with chauvanists like you!
Gibbs: I can't believe you'd give up field work for rubber chicken dinners!
Jen: I don't think they serve that dish at Palena!
Gibbs: Never heard of it!
Jen: Why would you? IT isn't take out!
Gibbs: So which of the tight sphincters is taking you out? Please tell me "it's not Fornell"!
Jen: CBS Early Show. They want coverage before I go on T.V!
Gibbs: No! Jen you can't do that!

:Jen: Excuse me?

Gibbs: Ari is a chauvanist! He's taking the lives of the women I work with before me! So please...don't take that interview!
Jen: I'll see if I can postpone it a few days!
Gibbs: Thank you!

McGee: You were my sweet superhero Kate.

(Kate flies over him in a leather costume)

Kate: (chuckles) You're a naughty boy Timmy.
McGee: Oh my God, I'm becoming Tony.

(Kate chuckles and changes costume to scantily clad)

McGee: Oh wow.

Gibbs: I want you on Ziva's ass.
Tony: She's not really my type boss.

(Gibbs slaps the back of head)

Gibbs: To tail her.
Tony: I knew that.

Kill Ari: Part II [3.2][edit]

Abby: For no-one leaving the building, there are a lot of people leaving the building.

Kate: Why don't you visualize her naked? Does she intimidate you?
Tony: A woman hasn't been born yet who can intimidate Anthony DiNozzo.
Kate: You're forgetting your mother.
Tony: Mothers don't count.
Kate: And that lawyer. Marla?
Tony: Divorce attorney. Worse than mothers.
Kate: Well, Ziva's not your mother. She's not a divorce lawyer. She definitely intimidates you.
Tony: Does not.
Kate: Does too.
Tony: Does not.
Kate: Does too.

Gerald: I've never driven a stick.
Abby: Are you serious?
McGee: What, you can drive a stick?
Abby: Yeah, since I was like ten.
Gerald: What were you driving when you were ten?
Abby: A red '47 Ford half-ton pickup with four on the floor and Bubba riding shotgun.
McGee: Bubba?
Abby: Best damn coon dog in Jefferson Parish.

Gibbs: From now on, we're going to use phonetics like we did in the Corps.
Abby: Golf India Bravo Bravo Sierra?
Gibbs: What is it, Abs?
Abby: Can I please go back to my lab? I'm flipping out up here with nothing to do.
Gibbs: Okay, but don't leave the --
Abby: Don't leave the building. I know. Bravo Yankee Echo.

Tony: How long have you known I was --
Ziva: Following me? Since I left the Navy Yard.
Tony: I don't think so.
Ziva: Blue sedan. You laid behind a white station wagon for a while, then a telephone van. You lost me at the traffic circle on --
Tony: Okay, okay. You knew.
Ziva: [handing him a cup of coffee] Take it. It's chilly out here. You shouldn't feel bad. I was trained by the best.
Tony: You know, that's what I like about Mossad.
Ziva: Our training?
Tony: Modesty.

Tony: [after Ziva tells him about her sister's death] Is that why you joined Mossad?
Ziva: I was Mossad long before Tali's death. Old...
Tony: Family tradition?
Ziva: Israeli sense of duty.
Tony: So come on. Who recruited you? Father? Uncle? Brother? Boyfriend?
Ziva: Aunt. Sister. Lesbian lover.

Jen: I can't believe it.
Gibbs: What?
Jen: I'm Director of NCIS less than 24hrs and I'm back on the street!
Gibbs: (smiles) Great isn't it!?
Jen: No Jethro! It isn't!
Gibbs: (flirting) Come on. Come on. You love it!
Jen: Truthfully? I'd rather be in bed! (Gibbs looks at her surprised then she notices the look and adds quickly) Sleeping.
Gibbs: Do you remember that stakeout in Marseilles? August, stuck in that attic with no-one. Photographing everyone that boarded that Lebanese trawler. (she looks away from him knowing what comes next in his recollection)That second night was the first time we...
Jen: (cutting him off, blushing) Okay! (covers his mouth the whispers embarrased) Shut up!

Mind Games [3.3][edit]

Paula: A whole week of TAD with Gibbs. I can smell the fun already.
McGee: It's been a tough month.
Tony: Right now he pretty much hates everyone, Paula. Including himself.

Tony: Well, that's nice. You know what's even nicer? My current view [looks down Paula's blouse] Victoria's Secret? Agent Cassidy.
Paula: Well you enjoy it as long as you can Agent DiNozzo [Gibbs walks up behind her and Tony sees him and shys away] Cuz that's as close as you're gonna get.
Gibbs: Cassidy, check Boone's security detail.
Paula: You got it.
[Paula leaves]
Tony: I'll give her a hand with that. [gets up]
Gibbs: Wait.
[Paula enters the elavator, the door closes and Gibbs headslaps Tony]
Tony: What was that for?!
Gibbs: Letting her get to you!
Tony: Boss, I was not letting her get to- Won't let it happen again.

Abby: I'm pregnant, McGee. Twins. Haven't told the father yet. It's Gibbs. I know it's wrong, but there's something about his silver hair that gets me all tingly inside.
Tony: Excuse me for a sec, I think I'm going to vomit.
Abby: I'm joking, Tony. Except for the part about Gibbs's hair. That is really hot. McGee's ignoring me again!
Tony: Easily fixable. [slaps McGee on the back of the head]
McGee: Ow! What'd I do?
Tony: Don't ignore Abby; she's sensitive.

Boone: He's carving your name on her back right now.
Gibbs: Game's over. Back to the death row.
Boone: Gibbs! Gibbs! The governor call yet? 'Cause they're not gonna kill me now. I'm the only one who can identify the killer. Hey, you think she screamed when he cut out her tongue, Jethro?
Gibbs: I don't know. Why don't you ask her yourself? [a battered but clearly alive Paula Cassidy enters the corridor and Boone's eyes widen]
Paula: I'm afraid your lawyer's gonna miss your execution tomorrow.
Tony: He's kinda dead. [Boone is speechless]
Gibbs: Enjoy hell.

Silver War [3.4][edit]

Ziva: You might want to do something about your hair... it's sticking up like a porcuswine... no, thats not the word... a porcu... pig? (Tony gives her a funny look as McGee comes in) The little animal with the little spikies!?
McGee: Porcupine?
Ziva: 'Porcupine'! Thank you, Special Agent McGee.

Ziva: I stand corrected. It appears he didn't know. [muttered] I feel like a donkey's butt.
McGee: A donkey's butt?
Tony: I think she meant horse's ass, McGee.
Ziva: Yes, that too.

Tony: You want something to read?
Ziva: What do you have?
Tony: [pulls out a magazine] GSM. It's a men's magazine. Most women find it objectifies them.
Ziva: [pulls out same magazine in Hebrew] I read it on the plane. I especially liked the article on page fifty-seven. In my experience, it works every time.
Tony: [checks his copy] I-I always thought that was an urban legend.

Gibbs: I trust you, you know that, but when we leave this elevator..
Ziva: You start kicking my butt.
Gibbs: I don't kick butt. (turns elevator back on and head slaps Ziva, they both laugh)

Gibbs: You're coming along, strictly as an observer. Hand over all your weapons.
Ziva: Is that really necessary? Alright.
[Gibbs just looks at her. Ziva removes her sidearm and gives it to him.]
Gibbs: And your back-up.
Ziva: What back-up?
Gibbs: Left leg.
Ziva: Oh. That one. [removes ankle holster]
Gibbs: And the knife concealed at your waist. [Ziva removes the knife and hands it to him as well; Gibbs gives it back] You keep this. [quietly, in Ziva's ear] I just wanted you to know that I know.

Ducky: Oh, she's more than nice, but how do you tell a woman that you have absolutely no mental recollection of her whatsoever?
Palmer: I suppose one could always lie.
Ducky: Have you been spending time with Agent DiNozzo again?

Ziva: (facing the monitor) A marine dressed in civil war uniform is shot by a musket and is then placed in a 230 year old casket (turns to face to Tony and McGee who are stuffing their faces) and you're telling me this isn't your strangest case?
Tony: (with his mouth full) Yep!
McGee: (with his mouth full) Pretty much!
Ziva: I don't know which is more disturbing! Your eating habits or the fact that I believe you!
Tony: I'm sorry! Do our strange American foods frighten you?
McGee: (laughs)
Ziva: Not at all, I was referring to your manners! You should have bought me one! (leans over and takes a bit of Tony's wrap) Mm!
McGee: (hurridly) I'm gonna go help Abby!
Tony: (passes his wrap to her and spits out his unswallowed mouthful)
[Gibbs and Jenny are watching Tony and Ziva from the above squad room]
Jenny: She seems to be fitting in well.
Gibbs: She almost killed my entire team yesterday.
Jenny: How?
Gibbs: Driving home from a crime scene.
Jenny: I should have warned you. I think she was an Eastern European cab driver in a past life.

Abby: McGee, never forget. I am one of few people, in the world, who can murder you and leave no forensic evidence.

[Gibbs and Tony arrive to find Ziva standing over two restrained suspects and a woman with a knife in her chest]
Tony: Remind me never to piss her off.
Gibbs: Oh, DiNozzo, you have no idea.

Switch [3.5][edit]

[The team arrives at the scene, a police officer greets Tony]
Officer: Special Agent Gibbs?
Tony: Uh, no... he's the older gentleman with the smile on his face.
[Chuckles and points to a stern-faced Gibbs who is briskly walking past them to the crime scene]

Tony: [to McGee, as they work the crime scene] If it's any consolation, probie, I had my identity stolen once.
McGee: Really?
Tony: I had a charge on my Visa for a vintage Barbie doll. 'Career-girl' outfit?
McGee: Ooh, with the matching briefcase and pumps?
[Tony slowly gives him a stare]
McGee: [falters] Oh, well, um... I-- I had a-- a girlfriend who collected once. We used to... line them up on...
Tony: I lost respect for you at the word... "pumps". Get back to work...

[crime scene is a car crash below a very steep slope, and Ducky calls to the agents to come down and help find a bullet]
McGee: [exchanges uneasy looks with Tony] Well... as, you've pointed out many times, I'm-- I'm just a junior field agent.
Tony: All the more reason you need the experience, probie.
McGee: How about if I follow in your footsteps... you lead the way?
Tony: How about if you kiss my experienced buttocks?

Ziva: Just to be clear, are there any more of these rules I should be aware of?
Gibbs: About fifty of them.
Ziva: And I don't suppose they're written down anywhere that I could--
Gibbs: No.
Ziva: Then how am I supposed to--
Gibbs: My job is to teach them to you!

McGee: She's right Tony, look at Lee Harvey Oswold, Sirhan Sirhan.
Tony: That's original McGee, is there any part of your brain that's your own?
McGee: At least I have one Tony.
Tony: What's that supposed to mean?

[searching a Naval officer's house]
Tony: [gasps] It can't be! Do you realize what we have here?
Ziva: Another ugly shirt?
Tony: This is an authentic "Magnum, P.I." Jungle Bird design! 100% cotton, bamboo buttons, "Made in Hawaii" label! Come on, this is the Holy Grail of Aloha garments!
McGee: That's great.
Tony: Eight seasons Magnum wore this shirt, putting up with Higgins and those stupid dogs. [imitating Higgins] "Zeus! Apollo!"
[N.B. Series creator Donald Bellasario also created and executive-produced "Magnum, P.I."]

[searching a Naval officer's house]
Ziva: Once he saw us at Norfolk, he must have taken a kite.
Tony: Hike. The expression is taking a hike.
McGee: She may have had it confused with “go fly a kite.”
Ziva: I speak five languages, forgive me if I get confused, sometimes. I found his bank book.
Tony: Check book.
Ziva: Whatever you call it. His deposits seem high.
Tony: Where you come from, they may seem high but here in the good ol’ U.S. of A... [sees the checkbook] These are really, really high.
[A sound is heard elsewhere in the house. All three of them draw their guns.]
Ziva: I think it’s the-
Tony: Shh!
[They walk to the kitchen and open the cupboard, a marmoset shrieks, Tony jumps]
Tony: It’s a...
Ziva: It’s a marmoset.
McGee: Actually, that’s a capuchin.

Abby: I have some good news and some bad news. Good news: I'm still cute. Bad news: The bomb squad got a little trigger-happy. [holds up bag of bomb fragments]
Gibbs: They blew up the box.
Abby: Do you have any idea what's beyond "smithereens"?
Gibbs: Not a clue.
Abby: Neither do I.
[A moment later, Ziva catches up to annoyed Abby in elevator]
Abby: Are you going home?
Ziva: Not yet. I thought I might be able to help you with... [gestures to evidence] ...that.
Abby: [scathingly] Do you have a degree in forensic science?
Ziva: No, but I'm very good at jigsaw puzzles.
Abby: [softening a bit] We'll see.

The Voyeur's Web [3.6][edit]

Ziva: Don't be embarrassed Tony, I find the taste of honeydust to be extremely erotic.
Tony: What a coincidence, so do I.
Gibbs: (head slaps Tony) I don't.

Ziva: Where did all these people come from?
Tony: Didn't you see the signs? It's yard sale day.
Ziva: I see. And do Marines sell their yards often?
McGee: No. It's actually when people gather stuff they don't want anymore and sell them in their yards.
Ziva: Why would anybody want to buy somebody else's junk?
Tony: One man's junk is another man's treasure.
Ziva: In Israel we have a saying: "zevel, zeh zevel". [Tony and McGee look at Ziva, confused] "Crap is crap."

Ziva: Which proves what I've long suspected - despite the conservative image, Americans really love their porn.

Ziva: You really believe this is an obsessed voyeur? The women identity's were protected by mass.
Gibbs: Half a mass.
Ziva: Still, the odds of finding him off a list that size...
Gibbs: Are better than the odds of you winning this argument.

Gibbs: What do you have Abs?
Abby: A PHD in porn. I spent the last six hours searching through webcam files trying to find some kind of lead and I have consumed more porn than Tony has in his lifetime. OK maybe not, but I have watched a lot of smut.
Gibbs: You learn anything?
Abby: I'm not nearly as flexible as I should be.
Gibbs: Anything about the case?

Ziva: Are you sure these are corpse-smelling dogs?
Tony: Of course. That's why they're alerting to McGee. He's been a dead man since yesterday.

Ziva: How did you end up here, McGee?
McGee: Well, I rode in the back of the van you may have noticed my screaming as Tony ran that light.
Ziva: Not here here, at NCIS. I know Tony's story, what's yours?
McGee: You want the long version or the short version?
Tony: Oh, there's only one version. McGee showed up on our doorstep like a little lost poodle.
McGee: That is not true Ziva!
Tony: No, you're right. It was more like a St Bernard.

Tony: Hey, quit feeling sorry for yourself. Do what you do best.
McGee: What, you mean screwing up?
Tony: No, finding answers when no one else can.
Ziva: That was nice of you.
Tony: Never kick a probie when he's down, Ziva.
Ziva: I thought the expression was "dog."
Tony: Same difference.

Abby: Guess it was worth it then.
McGee: Worth what?
Abby: Watching over twenty hours of porn with Chip.

Tony: Okay, this guy isn't smart enough to cover his tracks.
McGee: He's doing pretty well so far.
Tony: He does online auctions from his laptop. Super collectibles.
Ziva: Ultra collectibles and auctions dot com. Can we trace him?
McGee: If we can pinpoint some of his items. Do you know what he sells?
Tony: Star Wars stuff.
McGee: That narrows it down to like 50 million people.
Tony: Uh, some kind of figurine. There's only three of them?
McGee: Yoda? C-3PO? Stormtrooper?
Ziva: Wookiee. It is a special edition prototype from 1978. It comes equipped with an ammo belt. There are only three in existence.
McGee: You're a Star Wars junkie, huh?
Ziva: Not especially.
Tony: She has a photographic memory, Probie, not a social disorder.

Tony: If things get hairy, just follow my lead. (sees some cheerleaders) What's happening ladies?
Ziva: I don't need a babysitter, Tony, I have been in hundreds of these situations.
Tony: Never with me. As far as I'm concerned, you're a probie.
Ziva: I've never had sex with you either, does that mean I'm a virgin?
Abby: "What's the matter, Chip? Don't like watchin' porn with me"?
Chip: "I don't really watch explicit material with my peers, ma'am, uh, I don't really watch it at all".
Abby: "Not buying it chip".
Chip: "And why is that"?
Abby: "Two reasons. One, you're male, and two, you're breathing!

Honor Code [3.7][edit]

Ziva: The boy has remarkable memory. There’s also someone here from Social Security to pick him up.
Gibbs: Services, Ziva. Social Security is for older people.
Ziva: Noted.

Tony: New hires just keep getting younger, eh Madam Director?
Jen: (smiling) Obviously you didn't get the memo, Agent Dinozzo!
Tony: (confused as he keeps up with all memos and emails) What memo?
Ziva: The one where it explains the next person to call her "Madam" gets keyholed, what ever that is.
Tony: (grimacing) It's... uh (struggles to think of how to describe it)
Jen: Unpleasant!

Jen: Always admired your way with children. Ever think to having any of your own?
Gibbs: That an offer, Jen?
Jen: No it wasn't an offer Jethro, it was merely an observation!

Gibbs: Abs, give me good news.
Abby: Oh my god, I got this e-mail that says I may have already won $50 million and I'm really really psyched. (Gibbs lloks at her) Oh, you mean about the case?

Abby: [wearing headphones and yelling] What? No Zachster?
Gibbs: Abby, you're yelling.
Abby: Oh sorry. [takes headphones off] Where is he?
Gibbs: He's upstairs.
Abby: He's a cool kid. Reminds me of you. He's like a mini Gibbs. [Gibbs looks at her] Austin Powers.
Gibbs: You calling Zach a mini me?
Abby: [smiles] Gibbs! I am so impressed by your pop culture reference.

Ziva: Frank Connell is a deacon at his church, never had a moving violation, let alone a parking ticket, and he calls his mother every Sunday. The man is spic and spam.
Tony: The saying is "spic and span." Spam is lunch meat.
Ziva: Oh. What exactly is span then?
Tony: Span is, uh... I'll get back to you on that.
Ziva: In my opinion Frank Connell is not involved in this.
Tony: [sarcastically] Good. I'll let Gibbs know right away 'cause he loves to hear our opinions.
Ziva: He's distracted by his affections for Zach.
Tony: Gibbs doesn't get distracted.
Ziva: What do you call it then?
Tony: The Boss moves in mysterious ways.

Jen: (walks down the steps to Gibbs's basement wearing a long, low cut revealing dress)
Gibbs: (under his breath staring) Hubba-Hubba! Dinner at the White House?
Jen: A date actually!
Gibbs: (flirting) Must be an important guy for you to get all decked out!
Jen: (flirting back) I'd prefer if you told me you liked my dress!
Gibbs: (visably jealous) I haven't decided yet!

Ziva: They owed me a favor.
McGee: How many people owe you favors?
Ziva: How many dates has Tony go on a month?

Gibbs: Commander Tanner's been gone for forty-seven hours.
Ziva: If he's not dead, he soon will be.
McGee: Maybe we can convince her to change her mind about the lawyer?
Ziva: Oh, I can convince her of far more than that.
Gibbs: How long?
Ziva: Not long.
Gibbs: McGee, you thirsty? Come on, I'll get you a cup of coffee.

McGee: Boss, what exactly is Ziva doing in there? [Gibbs just looks at him] I don't want to know. [Gibbs shakes his head] Okay.
Abby: Just go, Chip!
McGee: I don't know how you work with him around!
Abby: (exasperated) I know! (sees the results) No, No, No! (whines) No!
McGee: What?
Abby: I'm too good at what I do!
McGee: No...you're not?
Abby: I am! And Gibbs will hate me for it!
McGee: What is it?
Abby: When fingerprinting the gun people always check the trigger! They never think tiwce about the bullets! So now I've got a partial thumb print, a perfect index finger!
McGee: Great!
Abby: (defeated) Yeah!
McGee: So who do they belong to?
Abby: Commander Tanner!
Abby: We've got an evidence showcase showdown, Chip! What do you want? Possible prints? Sticky stuff? Or name that blood?
Chip: Well, I aced serology! I was a dilitante at Fingerprint Identification!
Abby: (passes him the evidence) Name the sticky stuff for a hudred, Chip!
McGee: It's a matter of opinion, Tony so how could it be wrong?
Tony: It's just a matter of you having the wrong opinion!
Ziva: (groans) Why don't you just agree to disagree?
McGee: I don't agree to that!
Tony: Boss? The way the director cut her hair? Do you like it?
Gibbs: She cut her hair?

Under Covers [3.8][edit]

[Ziva is snoring incessantly.]
Tony: (mutters) Crazy chick...
Ziva: (sleepily) I heard that, my little Hairy Butt.

[F.B.I. Agents Maya and Yussif were doing surveillance on Tony and Ziva, and are convinced the two actually had sex.]
Maya: We were talking about your agents pretending to be married assassins.
Yussif: Very convincing.
Maya: I don't think anyone in the FBI would actually go all the way just to sell a cover story.
Yussif: [eyeing Maya] I would.
McGee: Guys, they were acting.
Yussif: Trust me. I know when someone's acting when they're having sex.
Maya: It's true. I've met his wife.

[In the privacy of the elevator, Gibbs and Fornell quickly hammer out a cooperation agreement.]
Fornell: And people say we're bastards?
Gibbs: Only because they know us.

[Midway through Tony and Ziva's undercover act as married assassins, Abby calls with autopsy results that show the wife was pregnant.]
Ziva: Something wrong?
Tony: Just trying to picture you pregnant.
Ziva: Don't!
Tony: I have to, I'm gonna be a father! It's a great responsibility.
Ziva: Maybe it's not yours.
Tony: Maybe she didn't know.
Ziva: Oh, she knew.
Tony: So why take this contract? Put our unborn child in danger?
Ziva: Perhaps we needed the money.
Tony: Kids are expensive...
Ziva: And bullets are cheap. There is a big chance that this meeting is a set-up, Tony.
Tony: Are you scared?
Ziva: Nope... excited.

[After being rescued.]
Tony: I want a divorce!

Ducky: There doesn't seem to be any permanent damage. How many times did he hit you?
Tony: I wasn't counting.
Ziva: Seven times.
Tony: She was, of course.
Ziva: It was hard not to.

Ziva: I'm driving you home. [jangles Tony's keys and smiles]
Tony: Probie. [looks hopefully to McGee]
McGee: Ah, Ziva, actually I should probably drive him home tonight.
Ziva: Why is that?
Abby: Maybe he wants to live.

Frame-Up [3.9][edit]

Tony: [to Ziva, teasing] You set this up, didn't you?
Ziva: I would never...! Okay, maybe I would, but I didn't.

Tony: Someone's setting me up.
Gibbs: Two surgically removed legs dumped into a training area? Do ya think?
Tony: Yeah. I was... trying to think of arrestees with grudges.
Ziva: Wouldn't they all have grudges?
Tony: You see my dilemma.
McGee: [reading over Tony's shoulder] Mike Macaluso?
Gibbs: He's a Mafia boss DiNozzo busted in Baltimore.
Tony: They get a little touchy when they think of you as family and you turn out to be a cop.
Abby: What about that forensics dweeb that you got fired?
Tony: I didn't arrest him, Abby.
Abby: Yeah, but you really, really, really pissed him off.

Sacks: Do you realise the kind of trouble you're in here, DiNozzo?
Tony: Oh, believe me. I do. Do you realise that you have an enormous clump of something green between your teeth? It's right there.
[After the interrogation]
Sacks: This guy is implicated in a homicide and he's making jokes!
Fornell: You've never worked with NCIS before, have you, Agent Sacks?

[Tony is in a jail cell, going crazy rambling about his case]
Tony: You know, I've been thinking. I'm a federal prosecutor's dream.
[...]
Tony: Because I'm angry, and I'm immature, and I like control!
[...]
Tony: Yes, I ripped a glove at the scene. It seems a little sloppy for a federal agent who investigates crime scenes, but, you know, those are the breaks when you're a homicidal maniac dumping butchered women's remains out in the woods in the middle of the night! Right? I'm not getting out of this one, am I, boss?
[Gibbs gestures him over, then slaps him upside the head]
Tony: Thank you, boss.

Ziva: Mike Macaluso...still in jail! My sources say: His family is very happy about it!
McGee: (on the phone) How is it you've been in this country a month and already you've got sources?
Ziva: Who says my sources are from this country, McGee?

McGee: Boss, do you really not know what coitus interruptus means?
Gibbs: Better question, do you know what it means if you haven't located Stewart? (McGee runs off in fear)
Ziva: (leaning against the wall) My father used to say (speaks in Hebrew) אש קטנה שורפת הרבה תירס
Gibbs: Translate.
Jen: (walks up to an unsuspecting Gibbs) "A little fire burns a great deal of corn"!
Gibbs: (not understanding the phrase she said) What?
Jen: It never really made sense to me either!
Ziva: It loses something in translation...director.

Ziva: [slams Petri against the wall] We have a warrant now.
Petri: For what? I didn't do anything wrong.
Ziva: No? I can think of at least two things. Framing an NCIS agent for murder, and really, really, really pissing him off. [nods toward Gibbs]

Abby: [indicating Chip bound and gagged on the floor] Now can I work alone?

Probie [3.10][edit]

Jen: What are you thinking about?
Gibbs: Paris.
Jen: Get your mind out of the bedroom, Jethro.

Gibbs: Can somebody tell me what the hell is going on here?! First, Abby's lab nerd frames DiNozzo for murder, and then McGee kills a cop... did someone break a mirror?

Gibbs: You're still here?
Jen: No. I'm the Director's doppelganger!
Gibbs: I never did know what that meant! (to a girl who has rode in the elevator with them) Goodnight!
Girl 1: (scared) Goodnight!
Gibbs: So a doppelganger is someone who's pissed?
Jen: Yes Agent Gibbs this one definitely is!
Gibbs: Why?
Jen: Why? Because you countermanded me in front of Metro Police!
Gibbs: I didn't countermand you! You overruled me!
Jen:Oh...Semantics!
Gibbs: (as she walks out) Is that like "doppelganger"?
Jen: (from down the hall) Get a dictionary!

Tony: [trying to cheer McGee up] When the going gets tough, the tough go clubbing.

McGee: Tony, I'm not like you guys. You were trained as a cop, Gibbs was a Marine sniper, Kate protected the President of the United States... God only knows what Ziva did with Mossad. My background is biomedical engineering and computer forensics. I don't think I'm cut out to be a field agent.
Tony: First time I shot at someone... I wet my pants.
McGee: Really?
Tony: Really.
[McGee lets out a little laugh.]
Tony: If you tell anyone that, I will slap you silly.

Ziva: Background check on the cop McGee killed, didn't come up with anything. He drank a little too much, had three ex-wives.
Gibbs: Yeah well, that does not make him a bad person.

Ziva: Halligan's on the goat. Oh, no! Not goat. Sheep?
McGee: Lam?
Ziva: That’s it.
Tony: He’s on the lam. There’s no “B” in that, by the way.
Ziva: Thank you.

McGee: I killed a cop arresting a drug lord.
Ziva: His goose is cooked.
Tony: You would get that one right.

Abby: Rule number 8 is going to save you McGee!
Tony: Never date a coworker?
Ziva: Never go anywhere without your knife.
Tony: Thought that was 9.
Gibbs: Never take anything for granted.

Tony: [Referring to Ziva teasing him] You're enjoying this a lot, aren't you?
Ziva: Oh... Yes.
Ziva: Oh, Le-Aza-Zel!
Tony: There's that word again!
Ziva: Interpool just picked up Halligan entering Morocco!

Model Behavior [3.11][edit]

Jen: [on the phone to Gibbs] Gibbs, where are you?
Gibbs: [opening Director's office door behind Jen] I'm right behind you.
Jen: I really hate it when you do that. [she hangs up]

Gibbs: Okay, you want me to help fix this? Then get me that reporter's number.
Jen: You're going to apologize?
Gibbs: No, ask her to dinner.

Ziva: How did she get the drugs?
Tom Crawley: She didn't! The whole point of the show was to show she wasn't that girl anymore.
Ziva: Well I'd say it backfired, large-time.
Tony: It's "big-time".

Palmer: Well my friend who went to NYU said that this guy was the club king of New York. He was almost legendary.
Ducky: Well if he wasn't before he most certainly is now.
Palmer: And apparently he only eye up models and A-list celebrities. This guy got the VIP treatment everywhere he went.
Gibbs: You writing a gossip column Palmer?

Tony: [catches Ziva laughing at a reality TV show] I thought this show was just mindless entertainment?
Ziva: It's called research, Tony, and I am merely looking for a lead.
Tony: Well, this is only the beginning. Before you know it, you'll be sitting at home, eating a large box of chocolates, watching the Food Network on your 50 inch plasma.
Ziva: We're not all so easily corrupted. Take McGee for example. He's been raised in America his entire life and he barely turns the television on. Tell him, McGee!
Tony: Yeah, tell him, McGee.
McGee: Well, depends on what you consider rarely. I might watch 20 minutes here or there.
Tony: Tell her what you do the rest of the time, probie.
McGee: That's not TV.
Tony: He pretends to be a fairy in an online computer game.
Ziva: [shocked]
McGee: It's an elf lord.
Tony: [laughing] Whatever.
Gibbs: Keller didn't commit suicide, he was murdered. [looks at Ziva and Tony] What the hell are you two doing?! Find out why!
Tony: Hey I got to call you back.
McGee: Boss, I think I might have something.
Gibbs: ...Are you waiting for me to guess, elf lord?

Ziva: [referring to a model] You really find her attractive?
Tony: Yeah?
Ziva: Well, I want to shoot her!

Boxed In [3.12][edit]

Tony: I'm not getting any reception. How about you?
Ziva: I'm bra-less.
Tony: I noticed that earlier, but on your phone they're bars.
Ziva: Don’t you have anything better to do than correct my English?

Tony: Why are you on top of me?
Ziva: I'm protecting you, Tony.
Tony: Don't.
Ziva: Well, you didn't seem to mind when we were undercover.
Tony: That might have something to do with the fact that you were naked.
Ziva: Perhaps if it were warmer in here, hmm?
Tony: Let me rephrase the question: why are you still on top of me? [Ziva smiles]

Tony: Hey listen, if this thing goes off I just want you to know-
Ziva: This is not your fault Tony.
Tony: Uh no, I was going to say...your life would have more meaning if you'd slept with me.
Ziva: If you'd had anything else on your mind, perhaps I would have.
Tony: Really?
Ziva: No.

Ziva: Yeah well, I can't tell where we are going.
Tony: No. There are only three ways we are going to get there: Train --
Ziva: That's quaint. We could be like the homos in those old movies.
Tony: Hobos! Not homos.

Ziva: Now, if you gentlemen will excuse me...
McGee: Where are you going?
Ziva: I've been locked in a box all day. The ladies' room!

Deception [3.13][edit]

Abby: [to Gibbs] Thank you, sir.
Gibbs: Don't call me sir.
Abby: Thank you, ma'am.

[Tony and Ziva in plain clothes get caught by a gun-holding security officer while searching a suspect's house]
Tony: Relax, quickdraw, we're Feds.
Security Officer: Yeah? What agency?
Tony/Ziva: NCIS.
Security Officer: Never heard of it.
Ziva: Naval Criminal Investigative Service...
Security Officer: Never-heard-of-it.
Tony: [sighs] You never actually get used to it, you think you will, but you never do.

Security Officer: [speaking into his radio] Central? Got two suspects claiming to be Feds.
Tony: [glances at the radio] No little red light on the radio means the radio not working.

[Ziva escapes her cuffs and subdues the obnoxious Security Officer, aiming her gun at him.]
Tony: Nobody's going to shoot anyone. Right, Officer David?
Ziva: He called me a dirtbag.
Security Officer: [whimpering] I'm sorry, ma'am.
Ziva: [angrier] "Ma'am"?
[Tony facepalms]

Abby: You're not the only one that came into work dressed differently today.
McGee: I saw Tony and Ziva.
Abby: I was talking about me! Here's a hint...I'm not one of Village People!
McGee: Oh no, the habitat for humanity was this weekend? Abby ,Abby I'm so sorry, okay I'm sorry I completely forgot. You must hate me!
Abby: (meaning she is still in love with him) I could never hate you McGee. (Places her hardhat on his head) Don't let it happen again.

Ross Logan: I'm Ross Logan, I run this chapter of PBJ.
Ziva: Peanut butter and jelly yes?
Ross Logan: Actually no, it stands for Perverts Bought to Justice.

Tony: You haven’t met our hacker.
Ross Logan: He’s good?
Ziva: Does a bear sit in the woods?
Ross Logan: Are you the crackerjack team on this job?
Tony: She’s Israeli.
Ziva: Look, I know I got the bear thing right.

Tony: [Trying to identify a sound] A train track?
Abby: Yes, railroad tracks would be the obvious choice, but there isn't a second thunk or a thack, not even a thock on that track.
Tony: Have you been reading a lot of Dr. Seuss books?
Abby: You know I love me some Theodore Geisel.

[The team tracks their kidnap victim's cell phone to two teens sneaking beer in the woods.]
Ziva: Who's on the phone?
Danny: Uh, my girlfriend.
[Ziva takes the phone.]
Ziva: [sexy voice] Hi... [giggles] Oh, my God, don't touch me there!
Danny's Girlfriend: What?
Ziva: He's gonna have to call you back, bye!
Danny's Girlfriend: Wait a second...!
Ziva: [hangs up, to Danny] You're busted.

Light Sleeper [3.14][edit]

Gibbs: Sensitivity training is gonna have to wait. Double homicide at Quantico. Marine wives. [to Tony, McGee and Ziva] Grab your gear!
[Tony is discreetly showing his joy]
Ziva: Yes!
[McGee and Tony turn and look at her]
Ziva: Inappropriate?
McGee: A bit.
Tony: That and you're probably the reasons why we have to take these stupid classes.
Gibbs: Today!
Tony: On your six Boss!

Jimmy Palmer: I always say, you can pick your nose, but you can't pick your family.

Gibbs: [about a fist-sized crack in a wall] Sign of an unhappy marriage.
Ziva: Funny, I thought it looked like a hole in the wall.

[Abby reports finding no gunshot residue on the suspect's clothes.]
Gibbs: Could have worn gloves-
Abby: Or changed his clothes, I'm way ahead of you, Gibbs. That is why I am running a full residual analysis on all of Porter's wardrobe. [as Gibbs] How long, Abby? [as herself] Well it's gonna take some time, and the stuff doesn't smell very good; I don't think that laundry was a big priority... [Gibbs] Abs! [herself] Um, two hours? Whenever I know something, you'll know something. [Gibbs] You got one! Aything else? [herself] Yes, as a matter of fact. This... [hands him a cup of coffee] is for you.
Gibbs: Why?
Abby: For getting me out of sensitivity training. We were about to do trust falls and those guys in Administration have... wandering hands. [as Gibbs] Just give me their names, Abs, and I'll break 'em for you! [as herself] I know you would, Gibbs. And that is why I love you. [Gibbs smiles, kisses Abby on the cheek, and leaves]

[McGee is walking down the hall wiping his tie and bumps into Gibbs, accidentally spilling his coffee]
McGee: Uh, Boss...I'm sorry, I didn't see you....
Gibbs: What did I say about apologizing McGee?
McGee: Sign of weakness.
Gibbs: So is barfing on your tie.

Gibbs: A good investigator doesn't sit back and wait. You run down every angle, every lead. Assume everything you've been told is a lie until it checks out.
McGee: You got it.
Gibbs: There's only one time I want you to stop, McGee.
McGee: When you tell me.
Gibbs: When you're satisfied. [points to McGee] When you're satisfied.

Ziva: I’ve learned from Gibbs that in certain cases you can attract far more bees with honey…
Tony: Flies.
Ziva: What do flies have to do with honey?
Tony: Flies... don’t like... vinegar.
Ziva: Vinegar?
Tony: It’s complicated. Here he comes.

Ziva: This is not one of your stupid action movies Tony.
Tony: No it isn't, if it was you'd be dressed differently.
Ziva: And you'd be far better-looking.

(McGee laughs)

Tony: You'd be dead by the opening credits.

(Ziva laughs)

McGee: Ever stop to think that maybe I am the plucky comic relief?

McGee: Boss, did you find her?
Gibbs: Yeah McGee, she's hiding in my coffee cup.

Tony: Like my father always said: "Be careful who you marry, Anthony, she may end up being a homicidal maniac."
McGee: Your father actually said that to you?
Tony: No, but I'm pretty sure he thought it.
Ziva: Probably he knew your taste in women.

Tony: So tell us Jane Bond, how do we track you down?
Ziva: You don't Tony, by now I've changed my apperance, replaced my identity with back-up documents, and I've relocated.
Tony: Promise? (Ziva smirks at him) Okay, so that about wraps it. Who's up for lunch? (Gibbs stands up) You might want to think about this boss, 'cause I-I'll pay... (Gibbs headslaps him and Tony grimaces)
Gibbs: No one is eating until we find Yoon Dawson!

Ziva: (About a bomb) Can you disarm it?
Gibbs: I had a couple days maybe, you?
Ziva: I could try, but I suggest not standing within five miles of here whilst I attempt it.

Gibbs: Yeah, Ziva, Tony. What happened back there with the bomb... I want you both to know...
Tony: You don't have to say it, boss. We know how you feel about us.
Ziva: Gibbs, we're a team. That's what we do.
Gibbs: I was going to say, if either one of you two wingnuts ever disobey a direct order again, I'll kill you myself.
Tony: That's our boss.

Head Case [3.15][edit]

Ducky: You did me a favor tonight Jethro. Tonight is Smackdown night at the Mallard residence. Can you believe it? Mother's favorite television program, wrestling?
Palmer: Mine too! I love the WWE.
Ducky: I haven't the heart to tell her it's not real.
[Palmer's smile disappears]

Ziva: [To DiNozzo] I didn't know your nickname was honeybuns.
Gibbs: Only Naomi and I call him that!

Tony: Open that up, Probie.
McGee: No, you open it.
Tony: Who's the senior field agent?
McGee: Gibbs?
Tony: In this room, who's the senior field agent? [McGee is still hesitant] Open it! Chucklehead.

Mrs Wayne: I've been a Navy wife for close to twenty years, Agent Gibbs. NCIS agents don't investigate mix-ups. At least not agents as old as you.
Gibbs: [chuckles] We have a new director, ma'am. A female director. Let's just say I'm not as politically correct as some of the younger agents.
Mrs Wayne: What did you do to piss her off?
Gibbs: Well, if she was more like you then I wouldn't be sent out here to do a probie's job.

Tony: This guy's apartment makes McGee's look like the Four Seasons.
McGee: Woah, what is wrong with my home?
Tony: Uh, there's nothing that a bulldozer and few coats of paint wouldn't fix.
[Tony and McGee argue, Gibbs smacks both of them in the head]
Tony: I'm shutting up, Boss.

Ziva: I agree, anyone so obviously fascinated with death has to be deeply disturbed on some level. (Abby walks behind her) I mean take these masks for instance, what kind of a person would collect such horrid looking things?
Abby: Me.
Ziva: Of course by horrid I mean finely crafted and artistic.

[Mrs Wayne has come to the NCIS headquarters, Director Jenny Shepard is with her at the elevator]
Mrs Wayne: He said the paper mix-up could be resolved with my husband's teeth.
Jenny: If Special Agent Gibbs told you that, I'm sure it's the truth. He's one of the most knowledgeable agents I've ever worked with.
Mrs Wayne: I had that impression. I'm glad he was assigned this, even it is punishment.
Jenny: [surprised] Punishment?
Mrs Wayne: The new director has it in for him.
[Mrs Wayne and Jenny walk into the squad room]
Jenny: He told you that?
Mrs Wayne: Well, I've seen it before. When Parker was XO for one of the first female ship captains. Phew! The woman was a nightmare trying to prove herself.
[Jenny brings Mrs Wayne to team's office space where they meet Gibbs and the team in front of his desk]
Jenny: Special Agent Gibbs. [glares at him] I didn't know the new director was punishing you. [Gibbs smiles discreetly] She always seemed very fair to me.
[Tony, Ziva and McGee look on in amusement]
Mrs Wayne: Well, you're a woman. She doesn't have anything to prove to you.
Jenny: [spots the team looking on from the side and walks over to Ziva] How about you? What do you think? Do you think the new director is reasonable?
Ziva: [smiles] Very.

Jenny: [To Tony, after she gave Ziva information on the case] Something wrong?
Tony: Oh, just wondering if Gibbs knows who Ziva's secret contact is.
Jenny: We had a saying in Europe: "Whatever Gibbs doesn't know..."
Tony: "...can't hurt him".
Jenny: No. "Can't hurt us".

Jenny: [Looking through two-way mirror at Sean Oliver sitting in the interrogation room] Do you think it would be inappropriate if, as director, I went in there and smacked that smile off her face?
Gibbs: Yeah, it would, but that's what you have me for.

Abby: There really is no foreplay with you, is there, Gibbs?
Gibbs: What, you been talking to my ex-wives again?

Family Secret [3.16][edit]

Ziva: What are you doing?
Tony: I'm in the middle of a very serious negotiation.
Ziva: On McGee's computer?
Tony: I know where you're going with this, and the answer is yes.
Ziva: And what's the question?
Tony: Have I no shame?

Tony: She asked you out? You?!
McGee: Trust me, I'm just as surprised as you are.
Tony: Trust me, you're not.

[Gibbs and Ducky are examining the charred remains of a Marine]
Ducky: Survived IEDs in Iraq, RPGs in Afghanistan. Unfortunately the local Odocoileus virginianus was too much to bear.
Palmer: It's a white-tailed...
Gibbs: Deer, yeah I know. Are you saying Bambi killed this Marine, Ducky?

[Gibbs hits the back of Ziva's head]
Ziva: Ow! What was that for?!
Gibbs: Alerting DiNozzo.
[Ziva throws a notepad at a smiling Tony]

Gibbs: You know how I feel about coincidences, Abs.
Abby: Equatorial pygmies know how you feel about coincidences, Gibbs.

Gibbs: [After listening to Abby describe a very complicated sequence of events that led to an explosion] Not an accident.
Abby: Not unless the angel of death is going through a Rube Goldberg stage.

Palmer: I'm sorry doctor, I'm having a problem with the smell today.
Ducky: Really? I think he smells like my mother's fried chicken.
Palmer: Yeah, that'd be the problem.

Tony: That wasn't the way it looked, boss.
Gibbs: I know.
Tony: The director kinda suckered me into that deal.
Gibbs: Ziva caved first.
Ziva: I didn't cave in! I was trying --
Gibbs: McGee next.
McGee: It wasn't --
Gibbs: And my loyal St. Bernard held out until last.
Tony: Well I --
Gibbs: Probably all of 30 seconds.

Tony: We can't find him. But we're not going to give up until we do!
McGee: Or die trying!
[Gibbs smiles and walks away]
Tony: [with a horrified look at McGee] Or die trying?! You had to put that in his head?

Abby: Can I get a drumroll?
Gibbs: [Pauses for a few seconds] Ta-dah.

Ravenous [3.17][edit]

[Ziva and Tony are watching probie agents attending an autopsy.]
Ziva: We had this same test at Mossad. If you fail, they terminate you.
Tony: How do you fail an autopsy?
[One of the probies vomits.]
Ziva: By doing that. What happens if you fail here?
Gibbs: [Walking in] Well, it depends, Officer David. Some of them go on to become our Director.

Tony: [Upon seeing the name of the park's general store] Jackrabbit Slim's?
Ziva: Just like the diner in Pulp Fiction?
Tony: [pauses, giving her an odd look] You don't know how to say 'porcupine', but you know the diner from Pulp Fiction?
Ziva: Believe it or not, we actually have movie theaters in my country.

McGee: According to Petty Officer Riley's C.O. he's been on leave the last six days.
Tony: Nice vacation, little camping, knife to the heart, little trip inside a bear's digestive tract.
McGee: Yeah I'd fire my travel agent.

Abby: Little square, Little square, Where have you been, stuck on the behind of Riley's missing girlfriend.

(Ziva alerts Abby to her being behind her)

Abby: Oh hey, I was just about to call Tony and McGee -- I think they were having sex.
Ziva: [Incredulously] Tony and McGee?

Tony: Slam dunk. We're going out next weekend. Yeah!
Ziva: That's not bad, Tony. Landis asked me out tonight. I said 'no'. I don’t want him to think I’m sleazy.
Tony: That term is "easy."
Ziva: What's the difference?
Tony: Mostly the makeup.

Gibbs: [Leaving for search for the killer in the forest] Ziva, you stay here with Ranger Hendricks.
Ziva: Gibbs, I think I'd be better suited --
Gibbs: We're taking him alive. Let's roll. [He's leaving with others, Ziva and Ranger Hendricks stay]
Ranger Hendricks: I hate it when men try to protect you 'cause you're female.
Ziva: He's not trying to protect me. He's afraid I'd kill Rowan before he tells us where the girl is.

Ziva: Do you mind if I grab a bat nap?
Ranger Hendricks: No, just, um, hang from the rafters.

[Abby and McGee are hugging]

Gibbs: Are you two done playing grab-assy? Or do I need to transfer McGee to a weather station in the Antarctic?

Bait [3.18][edit]

[Gibbs has entered the room with the hostage-taker.]
Tony: [from outside] I want to speak with Special Agent Gibbs.
Gibbs: Everybody's okay... Boss.
Tony: That's good to hear... Special Agent Gibbs.
Kody: Your agent says he's a negotiator.
Tony: Well, that's right. He's my best man.
Kody: Your best man's a moron for getting caught in here.
Tony: He always had an attitude problem.
[Inside the room, Gibbs smiles. Outside the room, Tony winces.]

Tony: Want to let you know that Special Agent Caitlin Todd is out looking for your mom.
Kody: Don't come back until you find her. I... I won't tell you again.
Tony: All right. I'm going.
Marine: How are you going to tell Gibbs the kid's mom is dead?
Tony: [grimly] I already did. Special Agent Todd is dead.

Ziva: She asked if you had the calzones for this, yes?
Tony: Cojones.
Ziva: Do you?

Iced [3.19][edit]

Tony: You're deep moisturizing to bring out your "feminine glow".
McGee: I had dry skin, ok? My doctor recommended it.
Tony: [laughs mockingly] Haha! Well, you're walking a slippery slope there, Probelicious. Before you know it, you'll be taking bubble baths with your clogs on. [Ziva laughs quietly]
McGee: What is wrong with bubble baths?
Gibbs: [walks in and barks at the team before Tony has a chance to reply McGee] Load up!
[...]
Gibbs: Two kids found the First Sergeant floating under six inches of ice.
Tony: Ice? That means...
Ziva: You're now going to make a really juvenile cold case joke?
Tony: It was a really good one too.
[They walk into the elevator. McGee notices Gibbs looking at him.]
McGee: Something wrong, boss?
Gibbs: Just admiring your feminine glow. [Ziva snickers]

Tony: I'm just saying, Probie, the whole metrosexual thing isn't working for you.
McGee: I got it, Tony. Joke is over.
Tony: Not joking man. We all know that the ladies love a macho man who's in touch with his feminine side, but I gotta tell ya, I think you're coming off a little gay.
Ziva: Because he uses body lotion and likes to take bubble baths?!
Tony: You forget the manicure?
McGee: Manicure was only once and that was because I tore a cuticle.
Tony: You just set off gaydar across the entire Atlantic seaboard.
McGee: Tony I am not gay!
Tony: This isn't about orientation. This is about image.
Ziva: So now your image is homo-pubic?
Tony: Term is homo-phobic.

[Ducky sneezes in autopsy]
Ducky: [to corpse] I suppose a "Bless you" is too much to ask for.
Palmer: Bless you, Doctor.
Ducky: I wasn't talking to you, Mr Palmer.

McGee: What Tony was saying about me before, you know. Do I come off as unmanly?
Ziva: [looks at him in surprise] I think Tony was jerking your brain.
McGee: Chain? Jerking my chain?
Ziva: Whatever. I think you're appropriately masculine.
[McGee walks away, satisfied.]
Ziva: [pauses] However, perhaps not macho. [McGee stops and looks at her] Tony and Gibbs are, uh, "tough guys". Yes, they're...
McGee: So I'm not tough.
Gibbs: [walks in] You have to ask.

Ziva: Downing was on a revenge mission.
Gibbs: First Sergeants don't go on revenge missions, Officer David.
Ziva: I would. Why not a Marine First Sergeant?
Gibbs: They have more control than you do.

Gibbs: [Tony has recovered three guns at the lake] You expecting an "attaboy?"
Tony: I... thought it'd be nice. [cringes as he expects a head-slap from Gibbs]
Gibbs: [lightly stroking the back of his head] Attaboy.

Tony: Is that man lotion working for you Probie?
McGee: Didn't shave today. Trying a new look.
Tony: When you say "today", you mean the last couple of minutes or... [examines McGee's face]
McGee: Abby seems to like it.
Tony: Like what?
Ziva: Looks nice, McGee. It's very manly.
Tony: May I? [touches McGee's chin]
[Tony doesn't notice Gibbs has walked into the squad room]
Gibbs: DiNozzo.
Tony: [realizes Gibbs is behind him] Hey Boss.
Gibbs: Why are you touching his face?
Tony: [continues feeling McGee's chin] I don't know, it feels good though. It's like a bunny rabbit.
[Gibbs gives Tony a head-slap]
Gibbs: Don't!
[...]
Gibbs: McGee, you're trying too hard. [hands him a bottle of shaving cream]

Lance Corporal Silva: How much trouble am I in?
Gibbs: Trouble? Why would you say that?
Lance Corporal Silva: Four NCIS agents escorting one lance corporal?
Tony: You got it all wrong, Marine. She's Mossad.
[...]
Gibbs: Your company, your fellow Marines are stuck in Iraq until we solve this case.
Silva: You don't think I know that, sir?
Tony: He knows. He just doesn't care.
Gibbs: Hey Silva, you know what. We have names for guys like you when I was on active duty. Bravo foxtrot.

Abby: [pretending to be a commander] Men, we are here today for three reasons. 1) We can't find Miguel Sosa. 2) I'm not even sure if he exists. And three-- [Unknown to her, McGee has been standing behind watching]
McGee: Who were you talking to?
Abby: [marches to McGee] You will address me as sir, soldier!
McGee: [looks at Abby in bemusement] Sorry. Who were you talking to, sir?
Abby: My army. Major Mass Spec. Captain Comparison Microscope. Ensign--
McGee: ...isn't an army rank. It's actually Navy.
Abby: [annoyed to McGee has interrupted her fantasy] What do you want, McGee?

Cesar Bernal: [To McGee] You've been watching too many cop shows. Know that?
McGee: Yeah, well you've been watching too many... gang... person shows.
(from observation)
Tony: I don't think Probie's watches enough cop shows.
Ziva: McGee is a capable interrogator. He can be quite intimidating when he wants to be.
Cesar Bernal: You can't keep me in here like this!
McGee: [glares at Bernal] No, actually, I can. You see, La Vida Mala has suspected ties to al-Qaeda. So all I have to do is say the word "terrorist" and I can keep you in this room until you grow old and die.
(from observation)
Tony: That... actually was intimidating.

Tony: My name's Anthony. My friends call me Tony which, spelled backwards, is "Y-not."

Untouchable [3.20][edit]

Tony: Wish I had a neighbor like that. Old bat that lives next to me complains every time I bring a date home. Want to know why?
Ziva: Shouting out "no means no!"?
Tony: Ha, that's a good one, but that's a good one, but not even close.
Ziva: I was actually kidding.
Tony: Oh.
Ziva: I have the same problem at my place Tony.
Tony: Really? You have a surround-sound system too?
Ziva: No, I'm what you Americans like to call a "screamer", yes?

Ducky: To assume is to make an enemy of exactitude.

[Tony and Ziva are watching Gibbs interrogating a suspect]
Ziva: This woman is a total turd! [Tony looks at her strangely] A geek, yes?
Tony: The term is nerd.

Gibbs: Looks like they’re putting decoder rings in cereal boxes again. [the team just stares at him] ...What?
Tony: Uh... little before our time, boss.

Tony: (looking at McGee who is sleeping) Got any superglue, Abs?
(Gibbs walks in and headslaps Tony)
Gibbs: What did I tell you about that DiNozzo?
Tony: The skin might not grow back.

Tony: [doing Sean Connery impression] He has a license to kill, McGee.
Ziva: He has full diplomatic immunity.

[While Tony and Ziva are on stakeout, Ziva thinks Tony is asleep behind his sunglasses. Mischievously, she begins to tip her water bottle over his crotch...]
Tony: Do it and die, Amadeus.

[Abby is talking with Mrs. Mallard in her lab]
Mrs. Mallard: [smiles] Did you know, that without those longshoreman tattoos, and that dog collar, you are the exact spitting image of my sister Gloria?
Abby: Thank you!
Mrs. Mallard: [frowns] I hated her.

Bloodbath [3.21][edit]

Hotel clerk: However, if you folks are unhappy with the room in any way.
Albert: (whispers) Stay single.
Hotel Clerk: Just let me know and I can see about you getting you an upgrade.
(They walk into the room and it is covered in blood and human tissue.)
Albert: I think we'll take that upgrade.

McGee: Apparently there was some kind of bloodbath.
Tony: Mondays. What's the body count?
Gibbs: Who said anything about a body, DiNozzo?

Palmer: [as he's leaving the scene, and the team is coming in] I'd take an umbrella if you go in there.

Tony: How bad does a drug deal have to go for you to leave the drugs behind?

Gibbs: Someone was dissected here, Duck?
Ducky: More likely three someones.

Abby: McGee, no lurking without a permit.

Abby: This is so embarrassing. Okay, in my defense what self-respecting drug dealer cuts his cocaine with potassium cyanide?
McGee: Obviously one that doesn't care about repeat business.

Gibbs: Why didn't you come to me Abby?
Abby: Because Gibbs, I wanted him restrained. I didn't want him beaten to a pulp with a baseball bat.

[Gibbs is visiting Abby's stalker ex-boyfriend, Michael, at his business, Krime Kleaners]
Gibbs: The only reason you're still able to walk is because I never heard about you until today.

Abby: I’m a scientist, and he plays with voodoo dolls.
McGee: But, you play with voodoo dolls Abby.
Abby: I meant it metaphorically, McGee. I don’t think they actually do anything. I just play with ‘em, y’know, to relax.

McGee: Bed time. I'm going to take the sleeping bag.
Abby: We're adults, McGee. We can share the same bed.
McGee: [Seeing Abby playing with his typewriter] If you promise to keep your hands to yourself.
Abby: Clearly, you haven't been. Your shirt [Abby is wearing McGee's shirt] smells like J.Lo Glow. Oh, I can't find my toothbrush; I think it fell out in your car.
McGee: That's all right. Your old toothbrush is still in my bathroom.
Abby: You kept my old toothbrush? That's a little creepy, McGee. Maybe you should take the sleeping bag.
McGee: What is creepy about it? I just never bothered to throw it out. (Abby brings a toothbrush out of the bathroom) What?
Abby: This is not my toothbrush.
McGee: Well, then I must have bought a second one and forgot about it.
Abby: It's a ladybug toothbrush McGee. It's for cute girls named Gina Marie that bake cookies and wear J.Lo Glow. Not for quasi-manly federal agent who carry a gun.
McGee: Are you going to use it or not?
Abby: An anonymous toothbrush? I would rather remove my own tonsils with Typhoid Mary's straight razor.
McGee: Where are you going?
Abby: To get my toothbrush.
McGee: No, no, you're not leaving the apartment.
Abby: Why not McGee? We both know Gibbs is just being over-protective.
McGee: I'm not worried about you. I'm worried about me and if Gibbs finds out I let you leave.
Abby: That's a really good point. You go.
McGee: I'm not leaving you alone either.
Abby: Fine then I'll just use your toothbrush.
McGee: (grabs his coat) Don't open the door for anyone. (leaves)
(someone knocks on the door, Abby answers it)
Abby: What?
McGee: I told you not to answer the door for anyone!
Abby: What'd you forget?
McGee: My keys.
Abby: Why do you need your keys if I'm here?
McGee: My car keys. Now, listen to me, you do not answer the door, okay, not for anyone, (Abby gives him a mock salute) or I will tie you up.
Abby: (excited) Really?

Gibbs: Coordinate with Abby.
McGee: Boss, you’re gonna have to try and get her out of the elevator first.
[Gibbs goes to the elevator, where Abby is sitting in the corner holding a stun gun]
Abby: Hey Gibbs. [elevator closes] Did you know that only 5 of the 2½ million deaths every year occur in elevators?

Gibbs: No-one is going to hurt you, Abby.
Abby: You’re just saying that to make me feel better.
Gibbs: Did it?
Abby: Yeah, can you say it again?
Gibbs: Nobody’s gonna hurt you, Abs.

Michael: Look, I know we got off on the wrong foot.
Abby: The wrong foot?!? The only right foot is my foot up your a--
Michael: Abby!

Abby (drunk in Gibbs' basement): You know; I never understand why people drink alcohol when they're depressed - because alcohol is a depressant. And now; I'm still depressed; and I'm nauseous...and I'm really drunk. Which means that tomorrow, I have to have to go fight a hangover while I'm in court, while some ambulance-chasing attorney tries to attack my credibility.

Abby: ...Because I think that this - might all be my fault...
Gibbs: Maybe it is.
Abby: How can you say that to me, Gibbs? I didn't do anything wrong. Just because some - defective lunatic can't get it through his thick skull that I think he is a defective...lunatic... That is not my fault, Gibbs. That's not my fault at all... It's not my fault. [realizing it really isn't her fault] It's not my fault. Huh. [picks up a hammer and chisel] I see why you like to work on your boat, Gibbs. Very, very cathartic. [puts the tools on the boat and breaks off a chunk] Oops. [gives Gibbs back his tools]

[Tony & Gibbs have just found Abby, (who is in a very "Wonder Woman" pose) repeatedly shocking the hitman with her stun gun]
Abby: I'll be with you in a minute, Gibbs. [continues shocking the man] And don't look up my skirt!
Gibbs: [laughing, nods in approval] Okay.

Michael: I love her you know. I-I love her. You don't get it, do you? Huh? She wants everyone to believe that she doesn't love me. Hell, I think even she believes it sometimes. [turns to the mirrored window between the interrogation room and the viewing room] Tell me what, how come, if you don't care about me, you can't take your eyes off of me right now. Huh? You can lie to the rest of the world, but you can't lie to your heart. Can you, Abby?
[Gibbs leaves and turns out the lights in the interrogation room, revealing that there is no one on the other side of the window.]
Michael: No, no, no, no...Abby? Abby! Look, I know you're in there! Abby!
[Walking down the hall away from the room, Gibbs smiles.]

Jeopardy [3.22][edit]

[Abby has come up to the squad room to take pictures of the dead man.]
Abby: Why do I feel like everyone's staring at me?
McGee: Because they are.
Abby: Did I do something wrong?
Tony: Have you ever been to Disneyland, Abby?
Abby: Every summer.
Tony: Yeah. You know those camera toting tourists with the tall white socks up to their knees wearing fannypacks?
Abby: Well, yeah. We spend half the time laughing about [Abby looks down- she is wearing white knee length socks and a plaid skirt and has a camera around her neck]-- oh, my God. I've turned into my Uncle Larry.

Ducky: My father used to say "You must live for today; because yesterday is gone, and tomorrow may never come."

Palmer: Yeah, most people don't know this, but financial disputes, second-leading cause of divorce.
Ducky: Really? What's number one?
Gibbs: Marriage.

Cynthia: Here's everything, 9 a.m with the GAO, 10:30 with the ATCC.
Gibbs: And after lunch a meeting with the BOB.
Cynthia: Uh, that's congressman Bob Summers, he's a friend.

[Ziva has come down to Autopsy to see if there is any new discoveries pertaining to the death of a suspect she accidentally killed in the elevator.]
Ducky: And you probably shouldn't be down here.
Ziva: I shouldn't be here, I shouldn't be in the field, can you please 'please' tell me where I should be?
Ducky: Well, I can understand your feelings of alienation.
Ziva: Everyone's avoiding me! Do they think I am just going to lose control, just enter the building and massacre everyone?! I mean, I am being treated like a leopard.
Ducky: I believe the phrase is 'like a leper'.

Hiatus: Part I [3.23][edit]

[The team is sitting in a car parked at the docks, watching a freighter]
Tony: This is so "Usual Suspects"...
Ziva: Tony, your dying words would be, "I've seen this film."

Ziva: I'm confused.
McGee: So am I, and I saw the DVD twice.
Tony: The Sound of Music confuses you, Probie.
Ziva: I love that movie!
[She opens her mouth to sing, Tony claps a hand over her mouth.]
Tony: One note, and I will lock you in a room and make you listen to "It's A Small World" for twenty-four hours straight. Do we understand each other?
Ziva: [muffled] Mmm-hmm.

Ziva: Ducky, drip it!
Ducky: Do you mean: drop it or zip it?
Ziva: Ah, American idioms drive me up the hall.
Ducky: Well, actually... never mind.

[McGee doesn't want to go into the room where the explosion happened, and Tony gives him a job to do outside]
McGee: [as he's leaving] On it, boss!
Tony: [smiles] I do love it when he calls me boss.
Ziva: Is that why you're being nice to him?
Tony: Nice? I'm not being nice. Lugging foot lockers is probie work. [Ziva gives him a knowing look] ...All right, I cut the probie some slack.

Tony: Shouldn't he be awake by now?
Jenny: You know Gibbs. He keeps his own schedule. Do you know what REM is?
Tony: Sure. Rapid Eye Movement. It happens when you're asleep and dreaming.
Jenny: That's what it looks like he's doing now.
Tony: Oh well, that's gotta be a good sign right?
Jenny: If it isn't a nightmare.

[Interrogating a ship's captain, Ziva plucks away his cigar.]
Captain: [in Turkish, under his breath] Bitch...
McGee: [confused] What did he say?
Ziva: [in Turkish] How would you like this bitch to apply that cigar to your testicles?
McGee: Wait, what'd you say?
Ziva: That I understood him.

Abby: What aren't you telling me?
McGee: What do you mean?
Abby: You have that three-little-pigs-look.
McGee: What?
Abby: The three little pigs. They were afraid to open the door because the big bad wolf was outside.
McGee: I don't know what are you talking about. (Something rings...)
Abby: Wow... this is definitely going on my wall. (Ziva walks in)
Ziva: I should be a professional photographer!
Abby: The Director hasn't called.
Ziva: About?
Abby: About?! Gibbs!
Ziva: Oh...
Abby: She didn't call you, did she?
Ziva: No.
Abby: Because, you know, the way you're acting, you might have just, I don't know, forgotten to tell us.
McGee: Ziva, do you notice anything different in here?
Ziva: No music.
McGee: That's it! No music. (He looks at Abby) You know, you usually play music in here...
Abby: What if those were Gibbs' guts smooshed all over that room?
Ziva: Oh, for God's sake, Abby, they're not.
Abby: I said, what if they were?!
Ziva: The color would be more coffee-brown than red.
(Abby slaps her on the face, Ziva slaps her back, Abby slaps her again and so does Ziva. McGee looks shocked).

Ducky: (to Tony) You sound like Gibbs.

Tony: Abby! Front and center. You too, Ziva. Let's go! I know what happened.
[Abby and Ziva start talking at the same time.]
Tony: Hey! If there's going to be any bitch slapping on this team, I'll do it. Clear? Good. Now shake hands. Shake.
[Abby and Ziva reluctantly shake hands]
Tony: There we go. That wasn't so tough, was it? Now how about a little hug? Big buddy hug. Come on.
[They hug.]
Tony: Now a deep tongue kiss.
[Both women hit Tony.]
Tony: Now we feel better.

Hiatus: Part II [3.24][edit]

Ziva: You know what that means?
Tony: Director's taking over the investigation.
Ziva: Probably, but I was thinking if Gibbs doesn't remember the last 15 years, he'll be a probie.
Tony: Gibbs would never let her take over.
Ziva: Not the old Gibbs... "Probie Gibbs"?? (Tony jumps up, running after Director Shepard)

(Ziva remembers the idiom from 3.08)
Ziva: Oh! Listen to the pot call the kettle black. Got that right, didn’t I?
Tony: No.
(McGee gives her a thumbs-up)
Ziva: Yes!

Ziva: He won't talk unless I...
Tony: No torture.
Ziva: He won't talk.
Tony: Try.
Ziva: Okay, but you're tying my feet.
Tony: Hands.
Ziva: Those, too.

Tony: My gut tells me we're missing something.
Ziva: Gibbs?
Tony: Yeah. Gibbs.

(Ziva and Gibbs are talking in hospital room.)
Gibbs: We work together?
Ziva: Yes. I'm a Mossad officer attached to your team.
Gibbs: Mossad? When did they start doing that...
Ziva: It's been a year.
Gibbs: Don't feel bad, I worked for that M.E...
Ziva: Ducky, 10 years and you don't remember him!
Gibbs: Do you always finish people sentenc...
Ziva: Only when I'm in a hurry.

[Gibbs glares at Ziva, frustrated]
Ziva: Good, that's a start.
Gibbs: What is?
Ziva: The old Gibbs stare!

[Ziva has gone to see Gibbs in the hospital. She walks in and he is asleep. When she walks over he grabs her arm and gets out of the bed. She starts telling him about some of the things he doesn't remember. She ends up telling him about Ari and Kate.]
Ziva: Ari...... Ari killed Kate! And I...... I killed Ari! [she starts crying]
Gibbs: Your brother? You killed your brother to save me?
Ziva: [crying] Yes.
[Gibbs hugs her as his memory returns and she cries]

Gibbs: [to the Deputy Director of the NSO, who is on the big screen in MTAC] Is everyone up there as stupid as you?!

Gibbs: [gets his gun and badge back from Tony, gives him a long look] You'll do.
[Gibbs puts his gun and badge in Tony's hands, and squeezes his shoulder]
Gibbs: It's your team now. [turns to McGee] Tim, you're a good agent. Don't let him tell you otherwise.
McGee: I won't, boss.
Abby: Gibbs... [Gibbs puts his finger over Abby's lips and kisses her on the cheek]
Gibbs: [walks back to Ziva] I owe you, Ziva.
Ziva: I'll collect, Jethro.
Gibbs: Give me a ride room Duck.
Ducky: Of course.
(Gibbs starts to leave, then turns back for one last look at his team.)
Gibbs: Semper Fi.

Season 4[edit]

Shalom [4.1][edit]

Tony: Okay, there is only one thing you need to know about Officer David.
Lee: Don't make her angry.
Tony: So, technically, really, there's two things. The other is, she can take care of herself.

Tony: Abby, who was that?
Abby: Where?
Tony: On the phone.
Abby: Oh, um, it was the nuns.
McGee: The nuns?
Abby: Yep, y'know, nuns with the big white hats and the --
McGee: Habits. Yeah, they’re called habits, the white hats.
Abby: Yep. They called… to say that bowling practice is canceled.
McGee: [amused] Bowling nuns.
Abby: Geez, McGee, what are you on some kind of anti-nun crusade here?
McGee: What?
Tony: Okay, alright lay off the nuns

Gibbs: Today, Ziva!
Ziva: Okay. I may be in a little bit of trouble.
Gibbs: Yeah? Define little.
Ziva: I am currently on the run from the FBI, NCIS, Mossad and my father.
Gibbs: Geez, what'd you do?

Ziva: Target's name was Abdul Wazir. A Syrian wanted for crimes against the state of Israel. Terminated by this man, Mossad Officer Namir Eschel, my former teammate when I was stationed in Paris.
Gibbs: Who's supposed to be dead.
Ziva: Apparently he's gotten better.

Ziva: Things are bad enough for NCIS as it is, Tony. You can't --
Tony: [interrupting] I don't remember asking your opinion, Officer David.
Ziva: You see? He's been completely insufferable since you left.
Gibbs: That true, Tony?
Tony: When I need to be.
Gibbs: Yeah? Maybe you were the right man for the job.

Escaped [4.2][edit]

Fornell: And I certainly wouldn't have let him steal my car.
Gibbs: Didn't, it was DiNozzo's car.

Michelle: Is Agent Gibbs aware a warrant hasn't officially come through yet?
McGee: I think he got it about the fifth time you told him Lee.

Gibbs: I got this little girl who wants to go home to her dad, and that's not gonna happen without your help. So... please?
Tony: Did Gibbs just say...?
McGee: (stunned) Mm-hmm.

Jenny: Fact is, you're good, the best. When you're as good at something as you are, you can make a difference like you can, you just don't quit.

Singled Out [4.3][edit]

Jenny: So you're turning down a promotion because of a mustache?
Tony: His memory is still screwed up. He called Ziva 'Kate' yesterday.

Ziva: Oh, okay. I understand.
Tony: Understand what?
Ziva: You feel a little threatened now that Gibbs is back.
Tony: I do not!
Ziva: You have been whining like a little snitch all week!
Tony: The term is 'bitch'.
Ziva: I know. I was being polite.

Tony: So I got used to being in charge, sue me! (goes to grab car door, so does Ziva)
Ziva: Is there a reason why you always have to drive?
Tony: I could say it's because I'm the senior field agent, but mostly because I want to live.
Ziva: Then I recommend you getting unused to being in charge before Gibbs decides to kill you.

[McGee is upset that Tony still calls him 'Probie']
Gibbs: McGee, how long have I been an NCIS Special agent?
McGee: Almost... sixteen years.
Gibbs: Wanna take a wild guess what my first partner still calls me?

[Abby and McGee are asleep at their computers. Gibbs walks in.]
Gibbs: [whispers to Abby] Your computer's on fire.
Abby: [wakes up] AHH! McGee! My baby's french-frying! [starts typing furiously]
McGee: [wakes and starts typing] Checking internal core temperature!
[after a few seconds, Abby turns around]
Abby: That is so not funny, Gibbs!

[using a computer program that predicts the features of a couple's children, Tony and Ziva get McGee to combine Gibbs and Jenny and produce a hypothetical daughter.]
Tony: Even with Gibbs as a father, I'd date her.
Gibbs: Never more than once, DiNozzo.
Abby: Aw, you and the Director make nice Gibblets, Gibbs.

Ziva: 90 second dates. I thought you were kidding me Gibbs.
Gibbs: You'll do fine Ziva, I've had marriages shorter than that.

Ziva: [to a suspect who has grabbed her butt] Remove your hand or I will rip your arm off and beat you to death with it!

Ziva: Don't move. Drop your weapon! Or, if you'd prefer, I can shoot you in the spine. Would you rather be a para- or quadriplegic?

Faking It [4.4][edit]

McGee: Ziva thinks that all men are liars.
Tony: Really? Ha, so if I were to lie to you, you would be able to tell?
Ziva: [laughs] Particularly you.
Tony: [grins] You think?
McGee: Wouldn't go there, Tony.
Tony: Oh, watch and weep. True or false: I had eggs for breakfast this morning.
Ziva: True.
Tony: Lucky guess. Last night, I had a date with a very beautiful woman.
Ziva: False.
Tony: She's good. My first car was a shiny new red Corvette.
Ziva: False. Strike three. I win.
Tony: [looks bothered] How did -- how did you do that?
Ziva: When you said you had a red Corvette, you looked down and to the left. A tell-tale sign when people lie.
Tony: And the date?
Ziva: Tony, if you had gone out with a beautiful woman last night, you would have talked about it all day.
Tony: I would?
McGee: Oh yeah.
Tony: Okay, but how could you possibly know that I had eggs for breakfast this morning?
Gibbs: Gear up! Got a message from a dead guy.
Tony: Ready to roll, boss!
Gibbs: [walks past as the team grabs their stuff] DiNozzo?
Tony: Yeah, boss?
Gibbs: You got egg on your shirt.
Ziva: Not just your shirt...

Tony: Women want men to lie to them.
Ziva: Not true.
Tony: [In feminine voice] "Honey, does my butt look big in these pants to you?" [In masculine voice] "Actually, yes, sweetheart. Your butt looks as big as Alabama. Didn't want to say anything, but you got the 'Bama butt going on."

Gibbs: Tell me you found a match on our suspect's prints, Abs.
Abby: Negative. Still processing. But what we do have is $73.65 cents. That's what the victim was carrying. And there's no pennies. He probably threw them out. A lot of people do. I mean I don't but other people do. Do you know how many pennies are thrown out or put into jars every year?
Gibbs: Enlighten me.
Abby: 3 and a half billion. Billion, Gibbs! That's like 35 million dollars in pennies. That's a lot of pennies in any language.
Gibbs: Including Russian?
Abby: No, Russians don't have pennies, they have kopeks.

Gibbs: [about the missing case file on Operation Sunburst] Check the log; who booked it out last?
Tony: The CIA. So I guess that's not a who, it's more of an it.
Gibbs: Who was the NIS case agent?
[Tony pulls up the file, and sees Mike Franks.]
Tony: What time is it in Mexico right now?
Gibbs: Cantina time.

Gibbs: Want a 24 hour protection detail, DiNozzo, you're team leader.
DiNozzo: You're in safe hands Mike.
Mike: I've seen your hands DiNozzo, they don't impress me.

[McGee and Ziva are trying to find a bullet in pile of vomit]
McGee: Well, we could toss a coin. [Ziva gives him a look] Or not. All right, give me some gloves.
Ziva: You didn't pack the gloves.
McGee: I thought you packed the gloves.
Ziva: [laughs] I didn't pack the gloves.

Dead And Unburied [4.5][edit]

[McGee is photographing the victim and accidentally runs into Palmer]
Ducky: There's no rush gentlemen, our patient isn't going anywhere.
McGee: I dunno Ducky, the old Gibbs is back.
Ducky: The "old" Gibbs?
Gibbs: [enters the room] McGee, over here. Hands and knees. On the floor.
McGee: [goes down on all fours] Okay, um, you're not gonna step on me are you?

Ducky: [Describing a carpet] Looks like sisal. It's a naturally stiff fiber woven from the leaf of the cactus plant. It doesn't matt, trap dust, build static, makes it ideal for carpeting. Personally, I prefer a good shag. [stares from everyone, while Palmer grins widely] From a criminal investigative standpoint.

N.B. In a British context, "shag" is slang for sexual intercourse.


Tony: It's an odd decorating choice, although the corpse does give the place a certain lived-in look.

Tony: Much better. Before I smelled like dirt and sweat. Now I smell like dirt, sweat..[looks at bottle label]...and sandalwood.
Ziva: [enters building] Good morning! [spots Tony at her desk] What are you doing at my desk?
Tony: Couldn't find my deodorant so I used yours.
Ziva: No you didn't.
Tony: Yeah we're partners. What's the big deal?
Ziva: A hair! [throws bottle into her trashcan]
Tony: Come on. You attach electrodes to men's testicles and you're getting squeamish about a hair? I'm not gonna feel bad. Those ground radar techs didn't show 'till dawn. McGee and I watched the sunrise together. It was very Brokeback Mountain.
McGee: He had me at "howdy."
Ziva: How romantic. I'm sorry I missed it.

Ducky: You see this fracture?
Gibbs: Well yeah, you're pointing right at it.

Abby: It's ok. I'm sure you find other things beautiful.
McGee: Like Gibbs breaking up a chic-fight?
Abby: I can't believe I missed that!
McGee: I've got good news. Guess what is now playing on McGee TV.
[Shows video to Abby on his cellphone]
[...]
Abby: This is my favorite part.
[Gibbs enters the lab unnoticed]
Gibbs: Which part?

Tony: Why would someone unbury a body? I can answer that. To send a message. Like, hi I'm dead. Never get engaged to two women at the same time.

Ziva: Shooting someone in broad daylight is just dumb.
Gibbs: You're not thinking like a jealous woman, Ziva.

Tony: What does your gut tell you Boss?
Gibbs: [typing at his computer, nods to McGee] Take your shirt off.
Tony: Here we go.
McGee: [stares at Gibbs] I know it's kinda messy...
Gibbs: Your shirt McGee. Take it off, now.
[McGee takes his bloodied shirt off and puts it into the evidence bag while Tony and Ziva smirk]
Gibbs: Take it down to Abby. [McGee stares at him] Or would you rather wait for a search warrant?
McGee: Rebecca's DNA [desperately to Tony] Can I borrow one of your shirts?
Tony: [smiles at him] You're afraid all that white might burn out Abby's corneas?
McGee: Do not make me walk around like a sold date. Come on, help me out.
Tony: All right. I can't resist a damsel in distress. [takes shirt off and hands it to McGee] Here, take this. I'll get a fresh one.
Ziva: [smirking from her desk] Wow. It's just like Chippendales. Without the bow ties or muscles.

Rick: What's going on? Hey! Hey! Stop pointing the gun at my wife!
Ziva: She tried to rat on us.
Tony: She means rabbit.
Ziva: Rabbit, yes!

Jody: I come from a good Catholic family! When we swear to God, we mean it!

Jody: ...and I can only think of one explanation. It was the hand of God!
Ziva: [to Tony] Can Gibbs arrest God?
Tony: I don't know. It's like The Thing trying to bring in The Hulk.

Witch Hunt [4.6][edit]

(Ducky and Palmer drive up with the car splattered with eggs)
Ziva: What happened to them?
Tony: Halloween.
Ducky: Sorry we're late, we had a minor run-in with some local youths.
Gibbs: Yeah, I can see that doctor.
McGee: Did you get a good look at 'em?
Ducky: Oh, we did better than that. Release the captives, Mr. Palmer!
(Palmer slides open the door and three ninjas stumble out of the car)
Ninjas: Are we in trouble? Where we at? We said we were sorry!
Ducky: (handing them Windex and towels) Right, clean it!
Tony: Nice work, Palmer!
Palmer: Oh, it wasn't me, Tony. Dr. Mallard chased them for three blocks!
Ducky: Oh, please. It's not that impressive. It's not as if they were real ninjas.

McGee: Look, I know what I saw. Someone policed the brass, tried to wipe up the blood.
Tony: Who, Probie-- the crime scene fairies? There's no one here!

Tony: Something just touched my foot. Something's under the couch!
McGee: Maybe it's the, uh, crime scene fairy, Tony.
Tony: I hate Halloween

Ziva: The boy saw a car leaving the scene that looked like a "Karuma." I'm not familiar with the model.
Gibbs: "Karuma" is Japanese for "car," Ziva.
Tony: Your description of the car is "car." Nice work, Officer David.
McGee: The Karuma's the name of a car in Grand Theft Auto III. It's a Chrysler Sebring Sedan.
Tony: McGeek with the save!

Gibbs: Marital problems?
Ziva: Well, according to someone called Scuttle Butt, he caught his wife cheating on him.
Gibbs: Scuttlebutt's not a person, Ziva. Scuttlebutt is what Marines call gossip.
Ziva: And then you wonder why I have a problem with your language.

A guy at the Halloween party: Great group costume, guys, but, uh... you spelled CSI wrong on your hats.

Ducky: You know what they say about a mother bear and her cubs.
Ziva: They eat them when the food runs out. I saw it in a documentary Tony forced me to watch; Grizzly Man?
Ducky: I was referring to a mother bear's protective nature when her cubs are threatened. There is no deadlier creature on the planet.
Ziva: I agree. They also ate the man who shot the footage, and his girlfriend.
Ducky: Yeah well, that's perfectly dreadful.
Ziva: That's what I said to Tony!
Ducky: My point is Laurie Niles may have been trying to protect her daughter. The husband filed for separation, another man was claiming to be the child's father.
Ziva: She didn't want to lose or share custody of Sarah.
Ducky: That's one possibility. What does Gibbs think?
Ziva: Hard to tell, he's currently not talking to me.
Ducky: Well, chin up, dear it could be worse.
Ziva: How?
Ducky: He could be a bear.

Sandblast [4.7][edit]

Tony: Did I miss something?
Ziva: Gibbs just found his fourth ex-wife.

Tony: Ziva! Hey! What the hell are you doing?
Ziva: I can disarm it.
Tony: Okay... Well, great. Let's go outside and talk about this.
Ziva: If it detonates before EOD gets here, we'll lose evidence.
Tony: Well, what a bummer! That would be a real shame. Ziva! Ziva! [running after her] This has to be the stupidest thing any human being has ever done!
Ziva: Then why are you following me, Tony?
Tony: I don't frickin' know!

Tony: [watching as Ziva disarms a bomb] I can see down your shirt right now.
Ziva: I don't think your new girlfriend would like that.
Tony: What are you talking about? I don't know what you're talking about.
Ziva: I'm talking about you, and the fact that you no longer stare at every woman when they pass you by.
Tony: Well, I'm looking down your shirt right now.
Ziva: See anything good?
Tony: Yeah. Real good, but I'm not entirely sure it's worth dying -- [winces as Ziva cuts a wire] -- over.
Ziva: Not worth dying over. [zips up her jacket] I'll remember that.
Tony: What if I said it was?
Ziva: Now you'll never know.

Tony: I'd say this guy's a couple puppies short of a pet shop.
Ziva: Most suicide bombers are.

Once A Hero [4.8][edit]

Jenny: SECDEF staff are worried that it was an attempt on the life of their boss.
Gibbs: Are we worried?
Jenny: If it was an assassination attempt, he's a lousy assassin. Used his body as a weapon and missed by 75 feet.

Gibbs: DiNozzo.
Tony: Boss?
Gibbs: Stop eating the evidence.

McGee: Well no bag, maybe the killer took it.
Ziva: Maybe she just didn't have a bag.
McGee: Every woman has a bag.
Ziva: Do I have a bag, McGee?
McGee: No, but you're not a... Well, I mean you're a woman, it's just, you're not a... Not a normal... You're right, every woman does not have a bag.

Jeanne: I know something else we could do to stay warm.
Tony: Really? I wonder what that could be? Coffee?
Jeanne: Dancing!

Marty: You don't have an unhealthy obsession with death now, do you?
Abby: Oh no, no! It's just a hobby!

Gibbs: There's more than one reason to kiss a girl.
Tony: There is?

Nelson: Do I need a lawyer?
Gibbs: Only if you're feeling guilty.

[The team is preparing Special Agent Lee for an undercover assignment to infiltrate a sex trafficking ring]
McGee: She looks the part, just like a..
Ziva: Whore?
McGee: [glares at Ziva] A courtesan.

Twisted Sister [4.9][edit]

McGee: Sara do you remember the last time you had a few drinks?
Sara: No.
McGee: That's the point you can't drink. Last time you had a few too many you painted "bitch" on Katie Hutchinson's garage.
Sara: I would've done that sober, that bitch stole my boyfriend.

Tony: Well that was quick.
Gibbs: You solved this case? Already, DiNozzo?
Tony: No. It's my hundredth body. Hey, listen. [handing Gibbs the camera] You wouldn't mind taking...? Sorry. It's a bad idea. It seemed less disgusting in my head.
Ziva: By comparison to what else is in there, I'm sure it was.

Tony: [to Jeanne after discussing their relationship] If you always do what you've always done, then you'll always get what you always got. And while what I got had its perks, I'm looking for something different now.

Gibbs: Hey, been looking all over the building for you.
Jen: Since we were low on agents, I thought I'd give Abby a hand.
Gibbs: The only reason we are low on agents is because you sent DiNozzo home.
Jen: Well, there's no sense in getting us all sick...
Abby: [as Gibbs] Next time you send one of my team home you clear it with me first, Director! [as Jen] Oh, I didn't know I needed your permission to manage my own personnel, Agent Gibbs! [as Gibbs] Your personnel?! [as Jen] Last time I checked, it said "Director" on my door, not yours! [to both of them] The kids don't like it when mommy and daddy fight.

Tony: [seeing McGee in the elevator waiting for Gibbs] And I thought being sent to the principal's office was bad.

Gibbs: You know what a "clog" is?
Ziva: A shoe or a blocked drain?
Gibbs: On the Internet.
Ziva: I thought it was called a "blog," but my English is often wrong.

Gibbs: Sometimes a little lie is good for the soul.

Smoked [4.10][edit]

[Tony and Ziva are at the front of the truck, Ziva is driving and McGee is the back seat]
Tony: Comfortable back there Gore Vidal?
McGee: For the last time, Deep Six is fiction.
Ziva: Fiction based on us, yes?
McGee: No! Look, if you don't believe me, read the disclaimer in the front of the book.
Tony: You buying that, Lisa? [Ziva does the "evil laugh"] Didn't think so. [straps on seat belt] Nice knowing you, Probie.
McGee:: Ziva?
[Ziva starts the truck and hits full speed. McGee falls off his seat]
McGee: It's just a book!!

Contractor: Reminds me of that urban legend.
Gibbs: Which one is that?
Contractor: Guy dresses up like Santa, you know, for Christmas Eve to surprise his girlfriend but he never shows. She's convinced that the bastard dumped her, badmouths him all over town.
Ducky: Until they find the poor soul's body months later, still clutching the little box with her shiny new engagement ring. And the moral of course is...
Gibbs: Never a good idea to get married.
Ducky: No, it's best not to judge someone until all the facts are in.
Gibbs: I like mine better.

[Gibbs is leaving the crime scene and passes by McGee]
Gibbs: What happened to you?
McGee: Creative differences with my co-workers Boss.
Gibbs: Lot of that going around these days.
[...]
Tony: [glares at McGee] Bag and tag the ashes Probie. We'll pick you up after we coordinate with the MPs.
[Tony and Ziva leave]
Palmer: Doctor, I'm going to be laying the bag out here and the burrito over here.
McGee: Palmer, I need a favor.
Palmer: You want a ride back with us.
McGee: How'd you know?
Palmer: I read your book. And for your information, I never had sexual relations with a corpse!
McGee: That character was not based on you.
Palmer: His name was Pimmy Jalmer, McGee!
McGee: Well, he's French Polynesian.

Tony: [to Ziva] You know, McGee is really starting to nail your essence, here; [in a low voice, reading from McGee's book] "Stakeouts. Long, endless hours fueled by cheap food and even cheaper coffee, but tonight Mossad Officer Lisa didn't seem to mind, because she was getting to spend it with Agent Tom..." [pauses] You're behind me again, aren't you?
Ziva: Lucky guess. [Tony grunts] You know, I think McGee is right.
Tony: He was, was he?
Ziva: It takes almost all of my willpower to resist the urges I have when I'm around you, Tony. Maybe, it's about time I just... give in, yes?
Tony: And by "give in", you mean...
Ziva: Letting loose! Doing what comes naturally to me.
Tony: Yeah, I thought I was picking up that vibe the first time we went undercover together.
Ziva: You were? In fact, I almost did it the first night in the hotel room.
Tony: Mhhm. Really?
Ziva: But my father wouldn't approve.
Tony: Because I'm not Jewish?
Ziva: [laughing] Because he gets very angry when I kill a co-worker.
Tony: Ha ha! Like I believed you for even a second.
Ziva: I'm sure you didn't.
Gibbs: You two done playing grab-ass?
Ziva: Oh, he started it!
Gibbs: I'm ending it.
Tony: Oh, I...
Gibbs: [grabs Tony's book] Next person who mentions this book will be deep-sixed by me! [hurls book onto the floor]
Tony: I can completely live with that, Boss!

McGee: Abby, they hate me.
Abby: They don't hate you, McGee.
McGee: Ziva tried to kill me yesterday.
Abby: Well, you did base all of the characters in your book on us, and you didn't ask our permission.
McGee: Deep Six is a work of pure fiction!
Abby: You described everything in my bedroom.
McGee: Not everything. Do you still have those...?
[Abby's computer beeps.]
Abby: Fantasize later, Hemingway.

[McGee is rambling using technical terms]
Gibbs: McGee, less talk, more the computer chip doo-dah.
McGee: Working with the doo-dah, Boss.
Fornell: Doo-dah?
Gibbs: Yeah, it's a technical term, Tobias, you wouldn't understand.

Fornell: It amazes me how the truly sick ones are always the best liled. Pillars of the community.
Gibbs: They're successful because they blend in, Tobias. They go to church, they coach Little League baseball.
Fornell: That was the routine that nailed Bundy, Gibbs. And I'm familiar with sick, charming bastards.
Gibbs: [smiles] That's probably why we get along so well.

Fornell: I'll get over it. No hard feelings Jethro?
Gibbs: Nope. Just need you to look at something before you leave.
Fornell: You've got that moustache in a box, don't you?

Abby: Wow, my mom always told me big things come in small packages.
Marty: What a coincidence. Mine always warned me about tattooed girls bearing samples.

Driven [4.11][edit]

Woman: From the video presentation it's clear that sexual harassment can take many forms in the workplace. A coworker with elevator eyes looking you up and down, a coworker shows you a cartoon or photo of a sexual nature.
Tony: If you're lucky.
Woman: A coworker's hand accidentally brushes up against your body.
Ziva: If you're really lucky.
Woman: Physical contact can be divided into three categories. Green light includes normal behavior. Yellow light includes borderline behavior such as hugging someone or...
[Abby raises her hand.]
Woman: Yup?
Abby: What's wrong with hugging people? I hug people all the time.
Woman: You may see it as friendly, but your coworkers may find it offensive.
Abby: You guys get offended when I hug you?!
[everyone mutters no]
Abby: [happily] I am hugging you all in my mind right now.
Woman: DOD policy is very clear about this point, miss. You must first ask permission before making physical contact with a coworker.
Abby: Like, every time?
Woman: Yes. And finally there's red light behavior such as deliberate unwelcome touching.
Ziva leans forward and licks Tony's ear and neck, causing him to stand up in surprise.]
Woman: Another question?
Tony: Yeah. What if you slap someone on the back of the head like this... [slaps McGee's head, McGee slaps back] would that be considered inappropriate behavior?
Woman: Absolutely. Are you saying that this has actually happened?
[Jenny looks at Gibbs. Gibbs shares a look with Tony.]
Tony: ...No I was just wondering, that's all.
[Palmer raises his hand.]
Woman: Yes?
Palmer: Uh yes, what if part of your job includes touching, naked people...
Woman: That is inappropriate at any time.
Palmer: Even if they're dead?
Woman: [sternly] Why are you touching dead naked people?!
Palmer: Well, I work in autopsy...

Ziva: You attacked the car?
Gibbs: The car tried to kill Abby!

McGee: I did it, Abby. I know how they got in.
Abby: How'd you know I was here?
McGee: I didn't. Abby, I'm sorry for--
Abby: I know. [pauses, then comes up behind McGee and hugs him]
McGee: Aren't you supposed to ask for permission first?
Abby: Never with you, Tim.
[McGee puts his hand over hers.]

Gibbs: [holds up the memory card from a digital camera] So what you're saying, for example, is we need to find something this small in a Humvee jammed with $22 million worth of electronics?
McGee: Pretty much.
Gibbs: [drops the chip in Abby's pocket] We're screwed.
Abby: That is an excellent point.

Abby: Just sit back and let the scientists....
McGee: ...kick all kinds of major ass.

Suspicion [4.12][edit]

Ziva: Did you hear that, Tony? McGee just said he's not secretive!
Tony: Hm, let's see. Wrote a novel.
Ziva: Didn't tell us.
Tony: Got it published.
Ziva: Didn't tell us.
Tony: Made substantial amounts of money from said novel.
Ziva: Didn't tell us.
Tony: Anything else?
Ziva: Bought a Porsche.
Tony: Didn't tell us. Can you see how people might begin to see a pattern of secretive behavior emerging here, Probie?
McGee: Okay look, I might have been hiding stuff, but it wasn't secretive, it was just...
Ziva: Deceptive.
Tony: Sneaky.
McGee: Self-preservation. If I told you guys I was writing a novel, you would have laughed at me.
Tony: True.
Ziva: True.

Gibbs: Give me some good news Abby.
Abby: I'm not pregnant.

Tariq: You're a Jew.
Ziva: Yes.
Tariq: Israeli? Mossad, then.
Ziva: I'm working with NCIS.
Tariq: So, yes. So now I am as suspicious of you as you are of me. Is it always going to be this way?
Ziva: At least in our lifetime.
[Deputy Tyler Barrett walks in.]
Tyler: Mmm, cozy.
Ziva: Can I help you?
Tyler: [to Tariq] You know, couple of more inches to your right and our "martyr" here could've been living it up with all those vestal virgins. (chuckles) You know, it truly is a screwed-up religion where you got to blow yourself up just to get lucky.
[Ziva twists his arm behind his back, hard.]
Tyler: OW!
Ziva: When you insult his religion, you insult mine and your own. Tell him you're sorry.
Tyler: (quietly) Sorry. (she twists harder) AH!
Ziva: I don't think he heard you.
Tyler: I'm sorry!
Tariq: Apology accepted.
Gibbs: (walking in) There a problem?
Ziva: I was telling the deputy here where the bathroom was.

Sharif Returns [4.13][edit]

Tony: Morse code is a dying art.
Ziva: It was for him.

[Gibbs and the team pull up at an internet cafe]
Tony: I got a bad feeling about this. [looks at McGee] We let the Elf Lord go in and we may never get him out.
McGee: Getting old Tony.
Gibbs: Tony, you and Ziva take the back. Elf Lord, you're with me.

McGee: So this is the guy Ziva was drooling on.
Ziva: I wasn't drooling!
Tony: At least I saw you undressing him with your bedroom eyes.
Ziva: At least I'm not the one asking him if he waxed his eyebrows.

[Gibbs and Mann kiss in her bedroom.]
Lt. Col. Mann: Okay, before we do this, I just need to know one thing. How did you get the damn boat out of your basement?

Blowback [4.14][edit]

Jenny: You were supposed to keep Mister Harrow under surveillance, not chase him into a coronary!
McGee: Director, once he made us, we had to take him into custody, didn't we?
Ziva: No, the Director's right. We could of let Harrow escape. If he sold ARES, we could of caught "Black Rose" or "La Grenouille" selling it to Iran!
Jenny: Don't be cute, Officer David! I'm saying there had to be a better way! Right Tony? [Jenny glares at Tony for some support]
Tony: Uh, that's right Director. They could've -
Gibbs: - Shot him.
Tony: That's right, they could have shot him.
Gibbs: Of course, in high octane situation, Ziva reverts to her Mossad training and probably would've put a round through his heart.
Ziva: Three rounds...
Gibbs: And McGee, not to be outdone, would've -
McGee: - Added three more rounds.
Jenny: Gibbs...
Gibbs: See, there you go. Six rounds, same result. One dead Mister Harrow.

[Ducky walks over to the group]

Ducky: I signed for the body. Cause of death was most likely a - [noticing Jenny glaring at Gibbs] Am I interrupting?
Jenny: Not at all, Doctor. We were just discussing the various ways NCIS could have killed Mister Harrow besides chasing him to death!
Ducky: I am interrupting... [Turns around and starts to walk away]
Jenny: Doctor! [Ducky turns back] Death was most likely caused by?
Ducky: Myocardial Infarction. It was probably brought on by a combination of a high fat Western diet, little exercise, and the mistaken belief that he could run up all those stairs. Rigorous for most - rigor mortis for him.
Jenny: Anything else?
Ducky: Well, not until I do the - [Jenny glares at Gibbs and then hurries off] - autopsy.

Ziva: That's Ares?
Tony: According to McGeek. Ziva watch the road!
Ziva: I have great peripheral vision.
Tony: My sphincter doesn't.
Ziva: Well at least we won't have trouble finding it.
Tony: Really?
Ziva: Tony, it's the size of an ATM!

Ziva: Will you tell me her name if I find the pirate's copy of ARES?
Tony: Pirated copy.
Ziva: That's what I said.
Tony: No, you said pirate's copy. A pirate is a person like 'Captain Jack Sparrow'. A pirated copy...
Ziva: Who is 'Jack Sparrow'?
Tony: Johnny Depp.
Ziva: He's a pirate?
Tony: No, he's an actor.
Ziva: Oh.
Tony: How did we get here?
Ziva: I drove.

Ziva: This is going to be like looking for a needle in a needle stack.
Tony: Needle in a haystack.
Ziva: I like my description better.

Friends & Lovers [4.15][edit]

David: I, I cannot believe you forgot.
Mary: Oh my god, this is where your grandmother choked to death on veal.

[Ziva is teaching knife throwing. Tony off to the side is eating Froot Loops and smirking]
Ziva: At Mossad we have a saying: Knives don't run out of bullets. Now, any questions pertaining this class?
Tony: Yeah, I've got one for ya. You ever kill anyone with a spoon?
Ziva: No, but I am seriously considering it.

[Lee draws back her hand to throw a knife. It flies out of her hand and hits the wall behind them, narrowly missing Gibbs as he enters.]
Ziva: I thought you said you grew up around weapons?
Lee: I did. I didn't say my father actually let me touch any of them.

Tony: Well, nothing says 'I love you' like a rotting corpse in an abandoned crap hole.

Gibbs: McGee, you find any more maggots walking around you bag 'em, they're evidence.
McGee: Ziva, I would give you a hundred dollars to trade with me.
Ziva: You're afraid of bugs, McGee?
McGee: Bugs, no. Uh, wriggling faceless blob creatures crawling inside human flesh, yes.
Ziva: Believe it or not I used to feel the same way.
McGee: How'd you get over it?
Ziva: I've found that if you're hungry enough they actually don't taste that bad.

Ducky: Have you ever wondered why perfectly healthy individuals suddenly and occasionally keel over and die, Mr Palmer?
Palmer: Now that you mention it...
Ducky: No no no. It's a trick question. They don't.

Abby: I hereby accept your challenge. We will meet on the field at dawn. Weapons: Caffeine fueled intellect versus cold silicon based intelligence. Until then I bid you a good day sir. (turn around to see Ziva and McGee behind her who are trying not to laugh) Hi.
Ziva: Hi. You talk to your mass spectrometer?
Abby: Yeah, sometimes. Why?
McGee: You challenged it to a duel.
Abby: Well it spit out a chemical composition that I'm not familiar with. There has to be some sense of decorum around here. I'm running it through the computer now.
McGee: Well, Gibbs is more interested in this. (holds up a pink, laminated card) Did you find anything yet?
Abby: When, McGee. If you haven't noticed, I'm the only one here. Which may be why I started talking to my machines in the first place.
McGee: Well, Abbs, I've got to tell him something.
Abby: Tell him you love him, McGee. It works for me.
Gibbs: (walks in with a Caf-Pow) Not all the time.

[Abby is listing organic compounds and the chemical breakdown of the victim's body fluids]
Gibbs: [to McGee, who is standing behind him] Friends of yours, Elf Lord?

(Tony and Ziva looking at a vacation website)

Ziva: Where are WE going?
Tony: We're not going anywhere.
Ziva: Who are you taking, McGee?

(Tony, Ziva, and Carson watching Gibb's interrogation)
Tony: It's almost unfair interrogating junkies.
Ziva: It's like shooting fish in a pond.
Carson: I um… I think you mean a barrel.
Ziva: Why would a fish be in a barrel?
Carson: Um... I, um... it's a good point. I never really thought about it before.
Ziva: Mm-hmm.

Ducky: Poison has been the weapon of choice for women for centuries, except they tend to hide it in food rather than drink.
Gibbs: That would explain why my last ex-wife spent so much time in the kitchen.

Dead Man Walking [4.16][edit]

Ziva: They say the clothes make the man.
Tony: He's not a man, he's a McGee.

Roy: Lieutenant Sanders, sir. I need you to investigate a murder.
Gibbs: Whose?
Roy: [pulls out a clump of his own hair] Mine.

Ziva: This is killing me. I feel like I know him.
Tony: Mossad?
Ziva: Maybe.
Tony: Internet dating?
Ziva: I will kill you eighteen different ways with this paperclip.

Roy: Table's cold.
Ducky: None of my other patients ever complain.
Roy: Sorry, I thought it might be nice for you to have someone to talk to for a change.
Ducky: Oh, I always talk to my guests. The difference here is that you talk back.

[McGee has to wear hospital scrubs while Abby tests his clothes for radiation.]
Tony: Clothes make the man, what does that make McGee?
Ziva: Male nurse?
Tony: No, Aquasmurf.

McGee: Found something.
Tony: Is it dangerous?
McGee: Do you want kids...? Kidding.

Roy: Sorry, felt a little dizzy.
Ziva: I have to get you into bed. Oh, I ...
Roy: I'm not saying anything.
Ziva: Sorry, it's the English.

Ziva: I have been working for thirty straight hours!
McGee: This is only my fourth cup of the day!
Tony: Mossad. Hot liquid. I'd let her have it, McGee.
Ziva: Thanks.

Roy: Would you think you'd have noticed... that I was no longer there? That I'd stopped running.
Ziva: Yes, I would've noticed... I would have missed seeing you.
Roy: But eventually you'd have forgotten me.
Ziva: Yes... [takes Roy's hand] I won't forget you now.

Skeletons [4.17][edit]

Abby: (to McGee, holding a dollar bill and a candy bar) Give me a dollar!
McGee: Okay. What's wrong with that one?
Abby: The machine wouldn't take it, and I want a candy bar.
McGee: What's wrong with that candy bar?
Abby: It has nougat in it.
McGee: But you hate nougat.
Abby: I know! It was a mistake, McGee! Do you have a dollar?!
McGee: All I have are big bills.
Ziva: What is nougat?
Tony: It's whipped dolphin fat.
McGee: No. That's the filling in Klowny Kake.
Abby: That is a myth. [Shouts] Would someone please give me a dollar?!
[Silence. Tony, McGee and Ziva all stare at Abby]
Tony: Sure, I got one.
(Abby walks over and snatches it from him)
Abby: Thanks. God, it's like some kind of crime to not like nougat! [Leaves]
Ziva: I don't even know what nougat is!
Gibbs: It's a cream, made from sugar, honey and nuts. Grab your gear. Got an explosion at a Marine's funeral in James River National.
McGee: Did anyone else see what just happened there with Abby?
Tony: Yeah. She stole my dollar.

[Ducky and Palmer are piecing together some skeletal remains and discussing death rituals]
[...]
Ducky: [...] Humerus
Palmer: I suppose it depends on what you find funny. [Ducky holds up the humerus] Oh.

McGee: She definitely seemed Un-Abby.
Ziva: Who?
Tony: Abby.
Ziva: Abby's unhappy?
Tony: No. Abby's Un-Abby. I need you to focus here, okay? Pitch in. I'll talk to her when I can.
McGee: Why you?
Tony: Because dealing with an angry woman requires a great deal of sensitivity. Clearly not an area of expertise for you.
McGee: Well, I don't doubt that you have more experience with angry women.
Tony: See? That wasn't very sensitive, was it?
Ziva: The man has one serious relationship and all of the sudden, he's an expert.
Tony: All right, there is one clear-cut, undeniable reason why I should be the one to talk to Abby: she owes me a dollar.

McGee: I was right, wasn't I? There's something wrong.
Tony: Let it go, Probie.
McGee: Why?
Tony: Because I'm pretty sure it was something you did.

Gibbs: David, DiNozzo, perimeter.
Tony: You sure you don't want us to help you in there boss...? Of course not, because if you did, you would have said, "David, DiNozzo, follow me." PROBIE, STOP IT!

Iceman [4.18][edit]

Ducky: [about the morgue] This is the place where death rejoices in teaching the living.

Tony: There is nothing lucky about waking up at your own autopsy Probie.
McGee: At least you know you're not dead.

[Ziva enters squad room]
Tony: Well, well. Look who's finally here.
Ziva: Oh, like you've never been late, left early, or gone mysteriously missing.
Tony: Oh no, that's my point exactly. Tardiness is my middle name. In fact, it's expected of me. You, on the other hand, have become the poster girl for punctuality.

Abby: This, in his left trouser pocket. It's organic.
Gibbs: Illegal?
Abby: We could smoke it and find out.

Abby: [her eyes are closed] Do you think it's ESP? [Gibbs walks out] I mean, that you always know when I find something, and if it is ESP, are you reading my mind, or am I sending you some sort of weird brain thoughts out of my head and into yours? [she turns around, opens her eyes, realizing he's not here and shuts them again] Come back Gibbs. Come back Gibbs.

Tony: Ever tell your dad what you were up to Probie?
McGee: Everyday!
Tony: ...Wrong person to ask.

Mike: [to Gibbs] We're getting more alike you and me, Probie. Even feeling the same pain. I don't know how you didn't go crazy when you lost your little girl, maybe you did for awhile; maybe you still are. I just know I've got to do what's right for my boy... I owe him that.

Gibbs: Any tattoos Ducky?
Ducky: Ahh, a direct query, demanding a direct response, which in this case is a direct no, somewhat surprising for a young marine.

Grace Period [4.19][edit]

Abby: Technically, that was a squatting hug, or a squg.

Paula Cassidy: I'm not convinced that it wasn't this guy. I mean, how do we know Ducky didn't make a mistake?
Ziva: Tony.
Tony: Because Ducky doesn't make mistakes, Paula.
Ziva: Which means that what you saw yesterday was, by definition, mistaken.
Paula Cassidy: Look, even if he did die the day before, it doesn't mean he wasn't involved. Right? Tony?
Tony: She does have a valid point, Ziva.
Paula Cassidy: We don't even know what his cause of death is. For all we know he could've committed suicide!
Ziva: A suicide bomber who commits suicide before his bombing? I mean that doesn't make any sense!
Tony: No! It doesn't! But it does raise an interesting point. Imagine, if you will, ladies. An assisted suicide of a suicide bomber who suicided before his suicide bombing. It's kinda like how many chucks could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wo--
Gibbs: [Head-slaps Tony] DiNozzo, what the hell is wrong with you?
Tony: I am just trying to lighten the mood of the room a little bit, boss.
Gibbs: I got a better way: Leave. And take her with you.
Ziva: That works for me.
Paula: Works for me, too, David.
Ziva: Da-veed!

Cover Story [4.20][edit]

McGee: The blood starts at the ping-pong table.
Tony: Beer pong.
McGee: Huh?
Tony: This is tragic, don't tell me you've never played beer pong before, Probie.
[McGee stares at Tony]
Tony: What did you do at MIT?
McGee: Studied.
Tony: Figures.

Ducky: From what I hear, Timothy, in your next novel, L.J. Tibbs has a love interest. Yes. I hear that it's an Army...
McGee: Ducky, I don't think we need to talk about that.
Gibbs: Army what? McGee?
McGee: [reluctantly] Uh, Lieutenant... Colonel. Lieutenant colonel.

Ziva: Was no secret he was writing about us.
Tony: Oh, come on, it's not about us. I mean the whole part about Lisa and her broken heart?
Ziva: And the memento she keeps from a relationship that never had a chance to happen?
Tony: Yeah. Where's he gettin' that? Or the scene between Lisa and Tommy where they pour out their hearts to each other and spill their secrets?
Ziva: When he tries to explain the profound nature of his identity crisis?
Tony: Yeah, I mean, the hidden struggle between who he is and what he's becoming? I don't even know what that is.
Ziva: Yeah, totally unrealistic.
Tony: Would never happen.
[awkward silence]

Brothers In Arms [4.21][edit]

Tony: I sure would like to be a fly on the wall up there. [Ziva looks confused] Never mind.

Gibbs: What've you got, Abs?
Abby: Oh, your usual incriminating evidence, all circumstantial, but beggars can't be choosers.

McGee: Ever seen anyone walk that quickly in heels?
Tony: Only at the end of a really hairy date.

In the Dark [4.22][edit]

McGee: I can't imagine what I'd do if I lost my eyesight.
Ziva: You'd adapt.
McGee: What if I didn't?
Ziva: You'd fall into a deep depression and eventually you would die.
McGee: Remind me not to come to you for a pep-talk anytime soon.

Gibbs: What's he hiding?
McGee: Well, for the most part, not a whole lot. It's about the most boring diary I've ever read. An obsession with Kelly Clarkson... wondering why he can't find a girlfriend...
Abby: He didn't make the connection between those two things?

Tony: Sarcasm is not sexy, Ziva.

Tony: Abby's processing evidence from his office. She nearly bit my head off when I poked it into her lab to check on her.
McGee: Quit drinking caffeine.
Ziva: Abby?!
Tony: Abby Sciuto?!

Tony: How long were you guys there?
Ziva: Long enough. So, you are getting a new roommate?
Tony: We're discussing it.
Ziva: What is there to discuss?
Tony: It's complicated.
Ziva: Complicated, complicated, complicated. You know, in America I have noticed the use of that word as a code for "if I explain it, you would not agree, therefore I will use the word 'complicated' and hopefully you will stop asking!"
Tony: That's pretty much it in a nutshell. I'm going to go see what Abby wants...
Ziva: Tony.
Tony: Ziva... if you're going to give me advice on dating, I'm going to need to get something out of my system first, okay? [laughs heartily]
Ziva: Stop laughing or I will hurt you. I know what you're doing. You're hiding behind all these jokes, and I know what you're hiding from.
Tony: Really? What's that?
Ziva: What everyone who is afraid to love hides from: getting hurt.
Tony: It's not just me that I'm worrying about hurting, Ziva.
Ziva: That's because you're a good person.

Trojan Horse [4.23][edit]

Jenny: [calling from Paris] Is the agency intact?
Gibbs: I cut it up into small bitsy pieces and sold it to the three-letter boys.

[Ducky is ascertaining how the victim died]
Tony: Maybe he died of embarrassment when he couldn't pay the cab fare.

[Gibbs is walking towards the crime scene]
Ducky: Hey! I win the pool!
Tony: Wait a minute. How did you figure that?
Ducky: I predicted Gibbs would last four days as Director before reverting to working a case.
[...]
Tony: So, uh, Director, does that mean you're...
Gibbs: I'm heading the investigation. [Ducky walks past them] Hey, Duck! You win the pool.
Ducky: Yes! Thank you Jethro! [McGee stares at him]
Gibbs: And I didn't do anything wrong McGee.

Joe Kelly: I can go?
Gibbs: [walks in] You can go to the head or our conference room.
Kelly: [points to Tony] He said I could leave!
Tony: Well, what I say doesn't count when the Boss is here.
Kelly: Like me when the wife is around.

Abby: They're questioning the validity of my ballistics!
McGee: Scaletti's lawyers are desperate. They're desperate. They're like drowning men grasping...
Abby: ...at thin polystyrene tubes?

Abby: I love you, McGee. Not like "love you" love you. Not that I don't love you, because I do, kind of. You know, like the way I love puppies.
McGee: I could have done without that comparison.
Abby: But I love puppies.

Angel Of Death [4.24][edit]

Jenny: Is the agency still intact after a week with Gibbs in charge?
Cynthia: Mmm... we survived.
Jenny: [chuckles] Did Gibbs?
Cynthia: Barely.

Gibbs: You lost your protection detail in Paris. You went missing for 21 hours, where were you?
Jenny: You sound like a jealous husband.
Gibbs: How would you know?

Gibbs: What were you doing for 21 hours, Jenny?
Jenny: What we used to do, ever so well.
Gibbs: When you lie, your right eye twitches. It always has.

Ducky: Unless you're a spy.
Ziva: Why are you looking at me?!
Ducky: I'm trying to lighten the atmosphere with a little humor.

Abby: [speaking to her computers and devices] Wake up! Wake up! Wake up! Okay, I know you guys have been working really hard lately, and I promised that you could have the weekend off, but this sounds like an emergency, so I need everybody to get those electrons flowing! If anybody is not up to it, I need to know now, not when the Director arrives. Something's wrong. [walks up to her stereo and turns up music, then heads back to her computer and breathes in deeply] Ready.

Season 5[edit]

Bury Your Dead [5.1][edit]

Ziva / McGee: What're you doing here?
Ziva: I asked first.
McGee: Well technically, Ziva, I think that if we were to put that to the test you'd find that it was too close to call. But, since my parents raised a gentleman and yours raised a killer, I was defragging my computers.
Ziva: Liar.

Jenny: His cover is teaching film online in American university.
Ziva: Tony, a teacher?
McGee: No wonder he's been compromised. Who's bright idea was that?
Jenny: Mine.

McGee: What was that for?
Tony: Believing I was dead.
McGee: Hey, I never believed that you were dead. Ziva was the one that gave up on you.
Ziva: Don't even think about the headslap.

Abby: Tony! I knew you'd be alright, I knew it! Everybody else gave you up for dead, even Ziva!
Ziva: OK, so I may have acted a little... hastily.
Tony: That's my letter opener!
Ziva: Excellent balance and weight. The edge is a little dull, but I have always admired it.
Tony: (checks his desk) Where's my American Pie coffee mug?
Abby: Palmer.
Tony: Mighty Mouse stapler?
Abby: Ducky. (looks over his shoulder) Hey, Ducky!
[Tony turns and sees Ducky, caught in the act of trying to replace Tony's Mighty Mouse stapler.]
Ducky: My dear fellow... I never believed it for a moment!

Tony: You ever lie to someone you love, Ziva?
Ziva: Yes.
Tony: They ever forgive you?
Ziva: They never found out.
Tony: Mine found out.

Family [5.2][edit]

Ziva: I'm just being curious.
McGee: About when I lost my virginity.
Ziva: No, you misunderstood. I'm not asking when you lost your virginity but if you lost it.

Ziva: [Seeing Tony working at his desk] What's wrong with this picture?
McGee: You mean, beside Tony being here before us? And actually working?
Tony: I can hear you, you know.

Ziva: I am here if you'd like to talk.
Tony: About what?
Ziva: I know how much you cared about her.
Tony: I'm fine, Ziva.
Ziva: All right. But I thought maybe you'd need a little cheering up.
Tony: If I needed to be cheered up, I would've put superglue on McGee's keyboard.
McGee: [holds keyboard up] You put superglue on my keyboard!

Gibbs: Our hit-and-run just became shoot-and-scoot.

McGee: All right. I think I know what happened here.
Tony: Oh, twenty bucks says McGee's about to say something nobody understands again.
McGee: The GPS coordinates came bundled in a proprietary packet. Since it was a beta, I thought-
Gibbs: I'm starting to think you can't help yourself, McGee.

[Ziva confronts Tony in the men's room]
Tony: You know, I saw this on Cinemax once.
Ziva: So what happens now?
Tony: They play some funky music and you say, "I have been watching you from afar."
Ziva: Well, I've been watching you from afar, Tony, which is why I know how much you cared for Jeanne.
Tony: Oh, your timing is impeccable, Ziva.
Ziva: And how much it hurt when she left. So, what happens now?
Tony: I said I'm fine.
Ziva: You are not fine. You are still deeply troubled.
Tony: Even if I was, this bothers you because...?
Ziva: Because you are my partner. And because you made a grave error in judgment falling in love with that girl.
Tony: If this is a pep-talk, I give you a D-minus.
Ziva: And right now, it is very clear you are still hanging onto her.
Tony: I see the confusion. These are called "feelings," Ziva.
Ziva: Feelings you need to let go.
Tony: That easy, huh?
Ziva: Tony, even if by some miracle Jeanne did forgive you, would you be willing to be Tony DiNardo full-time, to leave your entire life behind for her? You did not think this through.
Tony: Didn't you tell me the heart wants what it wants?
Ziva: No. Actually, I didn't.
Tony: Well, it does.
Ziva: Well, it shouldn't.
Tony: Really. This coming from the woman who fell in love with the dead man walking.
Ziva: You crossed the line, Tony.
Tony: Oh, I crossed the line?

Gibbs: Do I need to send you two back to the men's room?
Tony: Hey! She followed me in there!
Ziva: Only because you wouldn't talk to me!
Tony: [Gibbs stares them down] Shutting up, Boss.

Abby: The prints were made by a residue of polysaccharide dust derived from belta-glucose. What makes it interesting, is the backbone of D-xylopyranose, linked with eight xylose units... Panda poop.
Gibbs: Panda?
Abby: Poop. Which is why it fluoresces, like all other poop does. What makes it really, really interesting... is the sodium hydrochloride: a.k.a Chlorine bleach.
Abby: [pause] I, lost you at "poop", huh.
Gibbs: Uh-huh.

Ex-File [5.3][edit]

[Tony enters the squad room singing "Luck Be a Lady" out loud and listening to his iPod]
[Ziva makes the "cut it out" sign]
Tony: Hi. [notices Gibbs glaring at him] Hey Boss. Sorry about that. It's, uh, Sinatra. You gotta sing along. I mean it's Old Blue Eyes, Chairman of the Board. I'm gonna pack it up.
[Gibbs turns and glares at Abby, who is smiling away]
[McGee is intently listening to his iPod at his desk]
McGee's iPod: Becoming an alpha male means that without saying a word, you're able to project confidence and sexuality simply through your body language....
[Unbeknownst to McGee, Gibbs has been standing right next to him glaring at him all this time. McGee notices and jumps, startled.]
McGee: MIT lecture. [Gibbs continues staring at him] Nothing I can't listen to at my own time.
Abby: It's the newest version Gibbs. It's 160 gigabytes. You could download like 40,000 songs.
Gibbs: I only listen to five, Abs.
Abby: Five thousand?
Gibbs: No! Five!
Abby: Oh Gibbs, we really have to broaden your horizons. I could download some of my music for you.

[Col Mann and Gibbs are in front of the house/crime scene while Tony, Ziva and McGee are prepping and bringing their equipment out of the van]
McGee: Dead Marine.
Ziva: Army base.
Tony: Her rock smashes his scissors, which puts the Colonel on top.
Mann: You work for me on this one Jethro. It's my army base, my crime scene.
Gibbs: And my people, my office.
[McGee observes Mann and Gibbs from the van]
Mann: They know we're still seeing each other?
[Gibbs smiles at her]
McGee: She--
Ziva: Still on top?
McGee: Seeing Gibbs.
Tony: Same thing. But an excellent question nonetheless, Probie.

Tony: Crash and burn, only a matter of time.
Ziva: What?
Tony: Not a what. A whom. Colonel Mann, Gibbs. Army/Navy joint operation.
Ziva: Could last a lifetime.
Tony: Behind the torture techniques and the contract killings, you're really just a...
Ziva: A whom?
Tony: Whom? Not a whom, it's more, it's a what.
Ziva: A what, then?
Tony: What then? Uh... what? What...
Ziva: I'm still just a what?
Fred Rinnert: A girl.
[both stop and look at him in surprise]

[Inside Director Jenny Shepard's office]
Mann: We have a little issue.
Jenny: We?
Mann: You want to tell her, Agent Gibbs?
Gibbs: [mutters] No hard predicament.
Jenny: Is this issue going to involve lawyers?
Mann: It already did. [Gibbs looks away uncomfortably] It's his ex-wife. She's a material witness.
Jenny: And which ex would that be?
Gibbs: Stephanie.
Jenny: What number is she again? Second?
Gibbs: Third.
Jenny: All right. You lived a year with her for a while in Frankfurt
Gibbs: Moscow.
Jenny: Two years?
Gibbs: One.
Jenny: Well, it's hard to live in Moscow. With anyone. [to Mann] Do you think he should "divorce" himself from this case, Colonel Mann?
Mann: No, no. No, ma'am, no.
Jenny: Nor do I. I don't see a problem if you conduct the interview. [to Gibbs] Do you have a problem with Colonel Mann interviewing your ex-wife Agent Gibbs?
Gibbs: [sarcastically] Do I have a choice?
Mann & Jenny: No.

Tony: Who do you think is prettier? Ex-wife number three, or future ex-wife number four?
Ziva: Colonel Mann is at a disadvantage because of her uniform. [pause] Tell me you're not trying to imagine her without the uniform, Tony!

Abby: Neither rain nor sleet nor any class of simple atomic substance will keep me from my appointed duty, sir!

Ducky: A man's heart often tells us how he lived. Sometimes, it might even tell us how he died, but contrary to popular myth, it never tells us how he loved.

Mann: The husband, the wife and the lover. All the trademarks of a classic love triangle.
Tony: You forgot the lover's lover which would make it technically a love quadrangle.

Hollis Mann: Bring her in for another interview.
Gibbs: Wait.
Hollis Mann: I said bring her in!
Gibbs: And I said wait!
Tony: This never turns out well for the kids.

Abby: Gibbs has this uncanny ability to know when I've found something. I don't even know what I've found yet.
Fred: Well he didn't seem happy.
Abby: Oh, no, no. He never is. Even when he is happy, and I doubt he's happy right now. But, you know, I am his favorite, so he's usually pretty good with me.

[Gibbs, Mann, Abby, Tony and Ziva confront Fred at the elevator]
Gibbs: So it was greed, huh.
Mann: DiNozzo?
Tony: My acting boss says you ain't going anywhere.
Gibbs: What did you sell and who did you sell it to?
Fred: Maybe if you cut me a deal, I'll tell you.
Gibbs: [smiles] Abby!
[Abby punches Fred in the face, everyone winces as Tony arrests Fred]

Identity Crisis [5.4][edit]

[Ducky is in his autopsy room instructing a group of medical interns]
Ducky: The adult human brain weighs approximately three pounds.
Palmer: Feels like a soggy gray fruit.

Ziva: Did you get her number?
Tony: Who, Courtney? No.
Ziva: I did.

[Ziva and McGee are focused at his computer and grinning as Tony walks in]
Ziva: [chuckles] Aw, not bad....
McGee: Look at this one... you're gonna love this guy.
Ziva: Yeah, he would not be safe with me... I would eat him.
McGee: He's so adorable! How can you say no to that face...
Ziva: [chuckles]
Tony: Please tell me you're looking for a man for Ziva.
Ziva: [gives him a stare] Not me.
Tony: Oh! [wanders over] McGoo... is there something you wanna tell me?
McGee: Looking at animal rescue sites.
Ziva: McGee is thinking about getting a puppy.
Tony: Puppy's a lot of work. You gotta feed it, walk it, train it...
McGee: Yeah, I'm not twelve, alright. I work hard. I deserve someone that will jump up, all excited when I get home, you know. Lay on the couch, watch TV. Maybe lick my face a little bit...
Ziva: [exchanges amused looks with him and chuckles]
Tony: Might be easier getting a girlfriend.
Ziva: [gives him a distasteful look] Ehh.
McGee: Which might be even easier with a puppy. [Tony gets a look on his face, slowly meeting McGee's gaze] Even for you.
Tony: I'm not ready to start taking tips on this from you yet, probie.
McGee: Tony, I think it's time you get back on that horse.
Ziva: [looks confused] Are you getting a pony?
Tony: It's an adage.
Ziva: I am not familiar with that breed.
Tony: Yeah, well they are quite rare. Sort of a cross between a Pegasus and a unicorn.
Tony: So, what's the favorite?
Ziva: [annoyed] The Pit Bull.
Tony: Yeah, that makes sense for you, actually. Not really for McGee. He seems more like a Spaniel kind of guy. Cocker, maybe?
[Tony, Ziva and McGee are discussing which dog to get as Gibbs walks past]
Gibbs: How about an Australian Shepherd.
Tony: Oh.
Gibbs: [deadpan] They're working dogs.

[Tony, Ziva and McGee start to get up to help Gibbs]
Gibbs: Siiiiiit. [they slowly sit back down] Stay. [smiles and walks off] Roll over.

Ducky: Elementary, my dear Jethro.

Tony: Highland Beach in October. Not much of a tourist draw. Soft-shelled crab season is almost over. People really like boats that much?
Gibbs: You work for the Navy, DiNozzo.

Abby: This is why I love you guys. You bring me hair, you bring me blood, you bring me fluids...and mercury.

[At Fornell's office]
Gibbs: Who do you work for Tobias? Homeland Security or the FBI?
Fornell: World's on my shoulders Gibbs.
Gibbs: World made of paper.
[...]
Fornell: Kinda defeats the purpose of the e-mail when you have to print it all out for the file anyway.
Gibbs: Yeah. That's why I don't use it.
Fornell: Really? Not because you can't figure out how to work it?

[Gibbs, Fornell and Jenny Shepard enter MTAC where Tony, Ziva and Courtney are waiting for them]
Courtney: The boss looks mad. [Fornell glares at her]
Ziva: He's going to chew you up.
Tony: Out. "Chew you out." Or maybe not. Maybe he's one of those silent killer types.

Tony: [watching an arrest in MTAC] An NCIS production. Presented by Leroy Jethro Gibbs. [On screen, FBI agents are running into building] Starring, as per usual, the FBI.

Leap of Faith [5.5][edit]

[McGee and Tony enter a therapist's waiting room. Tony is about to knock on the therapist's office door when McGee stops him]
McGee: Don't do that!
Tony: Do what?
McGee: He might be with someone! [He turns on a light switch]
Tony: That tells him someone's here?
[Tony impatiently switches the switch on and off several times quickly]
McGee: Haven't you ever been to a therapist before?
Tony: Me? No. [Sits on a couch] You?
McGee: Yeah. Once when I was young.
Tony: For your acrophobia?
McGee: You're blowing that all out of proportion, Tony.
Tony: Well, you showed a pathological fear of heights today.
McGee: I was staring down ten stories. Being a little disoriented is a little understandable.
Tony: Disoriented? Your panties were in a twist. Tears in your eyes. Oh, wait. I couldn't see your eyes because they were shut so tight! You were hysterical like a little girl!
McGee: I was not.
Tony: You were huggin' the ladder. Ladder hugger. And I got the photographic evidence. [Pulls out a camera phone] Let technology show you the truth. [Shows McGee a video of him nervously on the ladder]
McGee: My eyes are not closed. I was blinking.
Tony: [Looks at the video] Oh. Oh, is that- Is that what you were doing? Let's let the people decide.
McGee: You're not going to post that on YouTube?
Tony: I might.
McGee: You give me that thing or I'm gonna-- [Tony shuts the phone] Hey! [Begins wrestling for the phone]
Tony: [Holding the phone away from McGee's grasp] What are you gonna do? What are you gonna do?
[Both begin fighting over the phone]
Dr. Flemming: Hey, hey. Hey. [Both stop fighting] You two have deeper issues than you discussed on the phone.
Tony: On the phone?
Dr. Flemming: Aren't you the couple who called up about marriage counseling?
McGee: [Realizes] Couple? Us? No, no... [Begins moving away from Tony]
Tony: It's okay, Timmy. Timmy. We're in a safe place. We can be ourselves here. [McGee quickly moves away from Tony and stands in front of Dr. Fleming] We just got back from Vermont. Pretty there this time of year.
McGee: Sorry. [Shows Dr. Fleming his badge] NCIS. Special Agents McGee, and DiNozzo.
Tony: [Stands] Very special agents.

[Abby comes up to the empty squadroom late at night when no one else is there. She sits at Gibbs' desk and puts his reading glasses on.]
Abby: [Imitating Gibbs] I heard that, DiNozzo. Another wise-ass comment like that, I'll smack you so hard, your grandchildren will feel it. [Looks at McGee's desk] Think it's funny, McGee? Wipe that smile off your face. [Looks at Ziva's desk] That goes for you, too, David. [Picks up the phone] Special Agent Gibbs! [realizes that Gibbs is behind her, slowly takes off Gibbs' glasses] You're standing behind me, aren't you?
Gibbs: Yep. [comes over] Feeling very secure about your job, are you, Abs?
Abby: Um, not so much anymore.

[McGee has just saved Tony from falling from a high level of a parking garage and they are both sitting on the ground against the concrete partition, panting.]
Tony: I love you, McGee. [pats McGee's knee] I promise I am never going to give you a hard time again.
McGee: Yeah, right. [Tony pats McGee's chest, McGee bats his hand away.]

Chimera [5.6][edit]

[Tony shoots a drinking straw wrapper at Ziva]
Ziva: Don't you have paperwork, DiNozzo?
Tony: What do you think I'm doing? I take the paper, and I make it work. [shoots another wrapper]

Tony: What do your... astute ninja Mossad senses tell you?

Tony: [singing] Baa, baa, black ship... have you any wool?... Yes, sir, yes, sir... but in order to see it, you're gonna need top-secret government clearance...

Abby: You guys okay?
McGee: Oh, yeah, we're peachy. I am dealing with my boat phobia, Tony is dealing with his rat phobia and Ziva is dealing with her ghost phobia.
Abby: So, what's Gibbs dealing with?
Gibbs: Them.

Tony: I knew it. I'm gonna die. I inhaled it. God! Definitely didn't picture my demise like this. I always figured I'd go out like Cagney in White Heat. Fiery explosion. Or Redford and Newman. Butch Cassidy. Hail of bullets.
Gibbs: Or Charlie Chaplin in The Gold Rush.
Tony: How'd he die?
Gibbs: Silently.

[Tony is carrying a dead rat through the abandoned ship.]
Tony: Yes, Alex, I'll take "Horror Movies That Take Place On Ships" for $500. [The lights go out] Oh, goody. Double Jeopardy.

Tony: So this whole thing was a Russian black ops mission to recover their nuke?
McGee: So pirates that weren't really pirates were actually Russian sailors who were on a covert mission to steal a Navy research ship that wasn't actually a Navy research ship in order to get back nuclear weapons that we thought they didn't think we had retrieved?
Gibbs: [smiles] Uh-huh.

Requiem [5.7][edit]

Ziva: She knew.
McGee: Reads Gibbs like a book.
Tony: Short read, not a lot of dialogue.
Ziva: Your kind of book.
Tony: Are you suggesting I don't read?
McGee: I think she's suggesting you only look at the pictures, Tony.

Tony: Soldier of fortune's about to become a soldier of misfortune.
Ziva: Dogs of war about to taste the hair of the dogs.

Shepard: Any idea where he's going?
Tony: No.
Shepard: Hazard a guess?
Tony: Well, he took his badge and his gun, maybe he's going to shoot someone.

Ziva: Sergeant Haas comes back from Iraq, and the first thing he does is try to move in with a girl he's dated twice. Why?
Tony: He's a man.
Ziva: What does she have that he does not?
Tony: A bed.

Designated Target [5.8][edit]

Ziva: [on the phone] No, no, no, it's not you, it's just... well, you know, these things run their course, and, ah... well, you, you must accept--
Tony: Personal call, David?
Ziva: Yes. Go away!
Tony: Somebody being dumped?
Ziva: Oh - how do you tell someone you no longer want to see them?
Tony: Easy. [grabs Ziva's phone] Listen, dirtbag, this is Ziva's husband. I have your phone number now, I can find your address; if you ever try to contact her again, I will reach down your throat, grab your intestines, rip them out and drive over your head! Lose this number or lose your life! [hangs up, hands the phone back to Ziva] You're welcome.
Ziva: That was my Aunt Nettie from Tel Aviv. She was trying to stop seeing her eighty-six-year-old mah jong partner.
Tony: Why didn't you stop me?
Ziva: Too stunned.
Tony: Where do I send flowers?
Ziva: If you communicate with her again, I will kill you.

Tony: [to McGee] If the probie was probing last night, I demand he tells.

Tony: [after Gibbs dope-slaps him] You know, repeated head trauma causes brain damage.
McGee: Explains a lot.
Tony: Is this side of my head bigger?
Ziva: Yes. But so is the other side.

Ziva: You're xenophobic.
Tony: No, I'm not Xena-phobic. It's one of my favorite shows. Leather skirts, lesbian sword-fighting, female empowerment. But maybe I'm a little Ziva-phobic.

Ziva: Do you ever think about soulmates?
Tony: They were on Decca, right? Big hit, mid-'70s? Sort of a disco thing? Sing a few bars, I'll get it.
Ziva: You'll never get it.

McGee: Abby, what do I do? It's like, I'm nuts for this girl, you know? And she's just... nuts.

McGee: She does this for fun! She's been arrested twice! She steals people's money, she buys things...
Abby: The crazy ones are the best.
McGee: See, the weird thing is... I kinda dig it, you know?
Abby: Okay, love is never having to read her her Miranda rights, but she's gonna do this to somebody else. Throw her psycho ass in the brig. I love you, McGee. That should be enough.

Lost and Found [5.9][edit]

Ziva: I'm driving.
Tony: I'm dead.

Ziva: I'm a trained navigator, Tony.
Tony: Yeah? Well, I got an A in Geography. Plus, I'm senior field agent. I'm pulling rank.
Ziva: I'm also a trained assassin.

Tony: God! Oh, God, these are new boots!
Ziva: This is not the time for sightseeing, Tony!
Tony: The only sight I see is your big black...
Ziva: Hey!
Tony: Backpack! Walking faster!

Abby: Do you know what my biggest pet peeve is, McGee?
McGee: People who say they're vegetarians but eat chicken?

Jenny: Taylor's phone was just activated, we're tracking it now.
Tony: Welcome to the club. I wouldn't say it's a fun one.
Gibbs: You sound tired, DiNozzo.
Tony: We're following Ziva, even the dogs are tired.

Corporal Punishment [5.10][edit]

Tony: [after hitting the comic book McGee's reading] Does that make you wanna hit me?
McGee: It's really tempting. But I think I'm gonna pass. [Ziva walks in] Maybe Ziva'll do it.
Ziva: Maybe Ziva will do what?
Tony: I've been working on my six-pack. You know? Abs.
Ziva: You and Abby have been drinking?
Tony: No, abdominals. No more beer gut for me. I've been training hardcore. Hitting the core hard. Carved. Hard as wood.
McGee: To match your head.

McGee: [after Tony asks Ziva to hit him in the abdomen] As hard as she can?
Tony: As hard as you can.
McGee: You know that's how Houdini died?
Tony: Ziva, did you kill Houdini?
Ziva: It is possible, I do not remember all their names.

Tony: [As Tommy Lee Jones] All right, listen up, people. Our fugitive has been on the run for ninety minutes.
Ziva: It has been three hours, Tony.
Tony: Average foot speed over uneven ground, barring injuries, is 4 miles per hour.
Ziva: He's not on foot, he's in a car!
Tony: What I need out of each and every one of you is a hard-target search of every gas station, residence, warehouse, farmhouse, henhouse, outhouse and doghouse in the area. Our fugitive has a name. And it is...
Gibbs: Corporal Damon Werth.
McGee: Hey, the Tommy Lee Jones speech... every time we have a fugitive? Really?

Tony: When you're dealing with a guy on the run, you gotta climb inside his head, think his thoughts. What would he do? Where would he go?
McGee: Did one armed man murder his wife?
Tony: Would he dress up like a clown and join a traveling circus, like Jimmy Stewart in The Greatest Show on Earth?
Ziva: Do any of your ideas come from reality?
Tony: Sure. Just not your reality.
Ziva: Could you try to zero in on Werth's reality?
Tony: Considering the dude skipped the looney bin, maybe a little bit of non-linear fuzzy logic is the key to tracking him.
McGee: Maybe he was accused of a crime he didn't commit and is trying to promptly escape to the Los Angeles underground.
Tony: [stares at McGee] He's not The A-Team, McGee.

Tony: What were you having feelings about? You just said you were having feelings.
Ziva: I said that I have feelings, not that I am having feelings.
McGee: That is a pretty sophisticated grammatical differentiation.
Tony: Don't change the subject with your big words, McNerd. Ziva says she had a feeling. Tell us about this feeling. What was this feeling?
Ziva: I felt... overwhelmed. Temporarily. Which does not often happen to me. When we were wrestling with Werth.
[Tony and McGee look at each other]
Ziva: What? What is this look?
Tony: Nothing. [Ziva goes back to working, Tony and McGee smile] You like him.
Ziva: He was powerful.
McGee: You really like him
Ziva: No I am saying he is stronger than any man I have encountered. But strength should not decide a battle. There is a weapon for every fight.
McGee: You itchin' for a rematch?
Tony: Wanna roll around on the ground with him some more?
Ziva: I am trying to describe something -- complicated.
Tony: It's not complicated, Ziva. It's Conan.
McGee: To her Red Sonja.
Tony: Nice.
Ziva: It only lasted a moment.
Tony: You had a moment. A moment and a feeling. And a smack to the head, broken nose, dislocated shoulder. It's been a banner day.
Gibbs: Easy on the painkillers, DiNozzo.

Gibbs: Courage doesn't have anything to do with medals. It's simple. You run to the gunfire, not away from it.

Tribes [5.11][edit]

Ziva: Tony! Your power of observation is unearthly. Now leave me alone!
[...]
[Tony finds out Ziva is taking a Film Studies course]
Ziva: I'm taking it because it is the best way to pick up American colloquialism, like "Bug off!"

Tony: I'm sorry, but the correct answer is Full Metal Jacket.
Ziva: That is not the best Marine movie. A Few Good Men is.
Tony: Based on the fact that I am right, I'm overruling you.

[McGee and Ziva are debating who should be the one to plant a bug in a mosque]
McGee: I’ll flip you for it.
Ziva: If I flip you, you will get hurt.
Tony: [whispers] You can take her, McGee.

Tony: [watching Langer leave] What an ass.
Ziva: [looking down admiringly] Yes, indeed.
Tony: You’re Langer-leering. You’re leering at Langer.
Ziva: Why not? He’s cute.
Tony: He -- he’s not cute, he’s --
Ziva: [puts her finger over Tony’s mouth] Shh. Don’t speak.
Tony: [impressed] Bullets Over Broadway. Woody Allen.
Ziva: Very good, Tony. You get a B in my class.
Tony: I could teach your class.

Ziva: I spent my summers in Haifa.
Khalid Mohammed Bakr: [Picks up the tea she has offered him] You make it Arab-style, huh? Strong.
Ziva: I like it strong.
Khalid: You like Muslims.
Ziva: Yes.
Khalid: May I ask why? I don’t mean to offend, I’m simply curious.
Ziva: Growing up in Israel I had a friend who was Muslim. We were very close.
Khalid: Are you still close?
Ziva: He was killed. When I was twelve.
Khalid: There’s been too much death.
Ziva: I agree.

Gibbs: Have I come at a bad time?
Brent Langer: Jethro! [he and Gibbs hug while Jenny stares at them]
Jenny: You two know each other. How nice.
Gibbs: Taught him everything he's forgotten.
Langer: I thought you retired.
Gibbs: I tried.
Langer: Well, you look good, old man. Hey look man. Sorry about our inconvenient convergence here.
Gibbs: What?
Langer: [Jenny stares at him] Gibbs used to fine me for every $3 word I use.
Jenny: How much?
Langer: $3 a word. [hands some dollar bills to Gibbs]
Jenny: Marines?
Langer: Actually I started here. Gibbs took me under his wing and then proceed to crush me.
Gibbs: [smiles] Nothing you didn't deserve.
Langer: Left me with no choice but to crawl over to the FBI.
Gibbs: Yeah! And they actually hired you!
Langer: Yeah, can you believe that?

Gibbs: Get him.
Tony: Got him.
McGee: Good.

[Tony, digging through Ziva’s desk, has just discovered a "Movies for Morons" book]
Tony: Ah-ha!
Ziva: [snatches it out of his hand] I have killed for less.
Tony: You cheated!
Ziva: I did not.
Tony: This is a book about movies. I bet you didn’t even see those movies. You just read this book.
Ziva: I like books.
Tony: I like movies.
Ziva: Do not quote books, I will not quote movies.
Tony: What if it’s a book that’s been turned into a movie?

Stakeout [5.12][edit]

[McGee is walking along the street wearing an earpiece. Tony is watching him from an apartment speaking to him through the earpiece.]
McGee: Pusher's back.
Tony: I'm starvin' like Lee Marvin, McGee! What's taking you so long?
McGee: Just making another deal.
Tony: We're here to find out who stole Navy radar. Stash kid across the street, he's not our problem unless he's pushing steak and cheese hoagies.
McGee: I'm a sworn federal agent, Tony. Not gonna stand by and watch a felony go down.
Tony: [sarcastically] That's a good idea. Blow out stake over a $50 crack sale. If Gibbs doesn't slap you silly I will.
McGee: Oh, you're gonna slap me?
[Unknown to McGee, a hooker is behind him listening.]
Hooker: If that's what you want, honey.
[McGee turns around, stunned.]
Tony: [observing McGee through binoculars] Go for it, McFreaky. Goldilocks is just your type.
McGee: [to Tony, annoyed] Bite me.
Hooker: [puts her hands all over McGee] That'll be extra.
[McGee steps back and is nearly run over by a car. Tony, still watching through the binoculars, laughs at him.]

Tony: Any good tips? On the case?
Det. Sparr: You're here because I didn't return your call.
Tony: It would have been nice, yeah.
Det. Sparr: Well, when I'm in the middle of an investigation, I don't return social calls.
Tony: What makes you think it was social?
Det. Sparr: The way you stared at my ass the other day.
Tony: How do you know my interest in your ass wasn't purely professional?

Ziva: [talking about the man the hooker picked up] Personally I think she could have done better.
Tony: Come what?
Ziva: The jack she is with is gross.
Tony: You mean "john?"
Ziva: You know him?
Tony: [shakes head] Oh my God.

Ziva: Tony still has not gotten me back for the binoculars.
McGee: I thought you two shook on it, no more practical jokes.
Ziva: Do you trust DiNozzo?
McGee: Point well taken.

Det. Sparr: Gibbs always throws soft balls?
Tony: I've seen him make a 300-pound drill instructor cry.

McGee: Demonstration for Gibbs. You know how hard it is to explain technical stuff to him.
Abby: Yeah, good thinking. It's like every time I try to explain something science-y his eyes glaze over and he gives me that 'will you shut up and get to the point?' look. [nervous pause] He's behind me, isn't he?
McGee: No.

Nikki Jardine: Um, Ziva? I don't know if I should say anything or not, but I saw Tony putting something under your car --
Ziva: What? When?
Nikki Jardine: What, I don't know. When? This morning.
Ziva: Ha! I told you, I told you he could not be trusted! [rushes out]
McGee: Was Tony really messing with her car?
Nikki Jardine: No. Tony just told me to tell Ziva that when I saw her.

Dog Tags [5.13][edit]

Abby: (seeing McGee drive in) Hey McGee! (seeing the bandage on his neck and hand) Oh my god! What happened?
McGee: I got bit by a dog!
Abby: My god! (pulling at the bandage to see his wounds) Did you provoke it?
McGee: Ow! (as she re-places the bandage) If you call serving a warrant "provoking"!
Abby: What happened to the dog?
McGee: He got shot!
Abby: (gasps, opens the back door and sees the dog muzzled with his legs tied) Poor thing!
McGee: (as she un-clips the ties and takes off the muzzle) Abby? Abby! Careful that is one vicious dog!
Abby: (as the dog licks her hands) Yeah? He's really "vicious" McGee! Who would shoot this cute little dog? Look at you... [realizing, she turns around and glares at McGee]
McGee: It was self-defense. It-it was self-defense!
Abby: You shot that cute little dog?!
McGee: He's not cute and little! He's, he's vicious and large!
[The dog whines piteously.]
Abby: How could you shoot an innocent animal, McGee?!
McGee: Abby, that dog is not innocent, he killed someone!
Abby: Dogs don't kill people! People kill people!
McGee: People with dogs that kill people kill people!
[Abby grabs McGee's jacket and cuddles the dog.]
McGee: (as Abby whips his jaket off his shoulders) That's my Hugo Boss! Hey! Don't you think that you're contaminating evidence with my $500 jacket?
Abby: If you think that I can't distinguish the fibers on your stupid jacket from the evidence on the dog, you don't know me, McGee! And right now, I don't want to know you! [to the dog, kindly] Good dog. [to McGee, angrily] Bad McGee!

Abby: (To the dog) Who's a good Jethro?
Gibbs: (Enters Abby's lab, she doesn't see) I'm a good Jethro.
Abby: Don't be mad, be flattered. He's just so strong and handsome and silent, so I decided to call him Jethro.

Tony: Boss, we've already been through all of this! I mean, I got no leads, Ziva's flirted with every seaman on the base, and McGee's watched a hundred hours of Petty Officer Junction.
McGee: Hundred and fifty, actually.

[McGee and a dog handler come down to pick up Jethro, to find Abby has locked herself and Jethro in her office playing 'Lovecats' loudly, ignoring them. McGee is still trying to nudge the glass door open and get her attention as Jethro growls]
Abby: Pay no attention to them, Jethro.
McGee: (sighs) Abby, open the door. (no response) Jethro has to go now... Abby!
Abby: I can't hear you, McGee!
McGee: If you can't hear me, why did you answer?
[Abby frowns and gets up to turn the music up louder, then turns to face them.]
Abby: I am not opening the door until Jethro is proven innocent!
McGee: Abby, do not make a scene!
Abby: Too late, McGee! I am in full scene mode!
McGee: You can't stay in there forever.
Abby: [indicating a large container of Caf-Pow] I'm fully stocked on both Caf-Pow... [indicating a bag of dog food] ...and kibble. I'm good for at least a few days. (Jethro barks)

Abby: Jethro is fine. I'm taking up a collection for flowers.
McGee: Why would I give flowers to a dog who attacked me?
Abby: Maybe because dog is man's best friend. Or maybe because I am a forensic scientist and I can boil you from the inside out and never leave a trace.
[McGee quickly puts money in the container]
McGee: Maybe it's his latest victim and he's confessing! (as Jethro barks) The dog should have a muzzle on it Abs!
Abby: Put a muzzle on yourself McGee. It's not like he shot you!
Gibbs: Or maybe it was his lunch!
Ducky: Only if he was a cannible, Jethro! (as Jethro the dog barks three times, Ducky turns to him) I wasn't speaking to you! And you may want to cover your eyes! (to Gibbs) The body here...is canine! (Jethro whines pitifully and Abby covers his eyes)
McGee: Hey Abs. (notices her sad expression whilst hugging Jethro) What's wrong?
Abby: Gibbs asked the base commander if I could keep Jethro!
McGee: He said "no"?
Abby: He said "yes"!
McGee: Then...?
Abby: My landlord said "no"! I have to make sure that Jethro gets a good home!
McGee: No!
Abby: Come on McGee! You've been looking for a dog for ages!
McGee: Abby. That dog tasted my blood and I thik he liked it!
Abby: McGee. Sometimes you just have to look at the facts in front of you and accept them! You are taking Jethro! McGee, Jethro...shake! (neither moves) Okay Jethro I think you'll have to be the bigger man on this one! (Jethro puts his paw in McGee's hand and as McGee smiles, Jethro growls at him)
Jen: He doesn't look too good, does he?
Abby: Maybe it's because he knows that he's on death row!

Internal Affairs [5.14][edit]

Jenny: Long way from San Diego, Leon.
Vance: SecNav felt this warranted a plane ticket.
Jenny: Are you interrogating my agents? I assume you have a suspect. [Vance smirks.] And you've been brought in to oversee. Well, Assistant Director Vance, you gonna ask for them?
[She removes her gun and badge from her desk drawer.]
Vance: Under the authority of the Secretary of the Navy, as acting director of NCIS, I hearby relieve you of your duties. I'm sorry, Jenny, you're suspended.

Abby: [as they are waiting in Evidence Garage] Ooh! Tarot cards. Want to see what happens next?
Tony: I am dying with anticipation. [gets distracted]
Abby: Tony! We are about to summon the elusive elements of the cosmos. Concentrate.
Tony: I'm with you. Call the spirits. Tell them to bring a pizza.

Ziva: [as Jeanne Benoit passes] Be a man, Tony.
Tony: She accused me of murder.
Ziva: Who is the bad guy? Be a man. Go tell her what she needs to hear.

Tony: I'm sorry you got caught in the middle of all this.
Jeanne: Was any of it real?
Tony: No.

Gibbs: Long Live the Queen.

In The Zone [5.15][edit]

Ziva: [walks in, smiling and carries a coffee to McGee's desk] For the one you got me last week.
McGee: Aw, thank you.
Ziva: [leans in to see what he's looking at on screen and gasps] That is quite a kiss, McGee!
McGee: [grins] Not bad for a wallpaper, huh?
Ziva: [chuckles] Well, you seem to be enjoying yourself. [muses] I have never seen a tongue quite so... long.
Tony: [walks in, looking at them curiously] McGee has a long tongue?
Ziva: No, but the cutie-pie he's kissing does.
Tony: McGee's kissing a girl?
McGee: You can't see it, Tony.
Tony: Why not?
Ziva: This is McGee's private photograph. And if he does not want you to see it here, then you have to respect his wishes. Or... [hits a key to bring it up on the squadroom plasma screen] ...see it elsewhere.
McGee: Hey!
[The picture turns out to be a very sweet one of McGee kneeling next to the dog Jethro, who is licking his face.]
Tony: [laughs] Oh, McRomeo... you should save that stuff for the bedroom.
McGee: You're just jealous.
Tony: Jealous? I don't think so. What you're doing there could be illegal in some states.

[Gibbs sees the photo of McGee "kissing" his dog.]
Gibbs: At least you don't have to pay alimony, McGee.

[Gibbs and Ziva are in Kelvin Ridgeway's office interviewing him]
Ridgeway: We just didn't see eye to eye, ya know? He would just complain to his wife about me and I would complain to my girlfriend about him. Like I would assume you [points to Gibbs] complain to your wife about this one. [throws ball at Ziva, who promptly catches it]
Gibbs: Her? Ha! [laughs] Oh no, I wouldn't mess with her! [looks at Ziva and leaves]

George Stenner: [desperately] Can I, just, please go to the bathroom really quick??
Gibbs: No. [Stenner looks at him in dismay] Nah, I'm kidding. You can go.

Recoil [5.16][edit]

Ziva: [at the copy machine] Die, you stupid machine!
McGee: She seems unfazed.
Tony: Those are standard Mossad-style copy machine assault tactics, McGee. She's fine.

Ziva: I'm not working. Just... drinking. Heidi! Uno mas, s'il vous plait.
Michael Locke: You're mixing your languages.
Ziva: And my liquors.

Locke: What's it like to shoot someone?
Ziva: It is what it is. It is what you have to do.

Tony: What are you doing?
Ziva: I'm checking into Locke's missing girlfriend. You?
Tony: Same.
Ziva: What? Why?
[...]
Tony: Checking her medical records.
Ziva: Why? Do you think she's been lying in some hospital unable to communicate?
Tony: No, I think she's been lying in a shallow grave unable to communicate.
Ziva: Medical records are privileged information. You need a subpoena.
Tony: Not if you have an IOU from a county clerk with a very expressive poker face.

Ziva: Look. If you're going to give me a lecture on my bad judgment, I don't need to hear it.
Gibbs: Is that what this is about? You doubting your judgment?
Ziva: I should've moved earlier.
Gibbs: You would've if you could've.
Ziva: I left it too late.
Gibbs: You still took him out.
Ziva: I almost died.
Gibbs: But you didn't. You've got to trust your judgment, Ziva. Moment you don't, it won't be "almost."

About Face [5.17][edit]

[McGee and Ziva are playing Scrabble]
Tony: Hey, what's going on here? Did I get off on the wrong floor, I thought this was an office.
McGee: Officer David and I are engaged in a linguistic developmental exercise intended to bolster her English vocabulary.
Tony: [chuckles] That's good. Do you think Gibbs will buy it?
Ziva: It is not my vocabulary that needs bolsterment, McGee.
McGee: Not a word. Hence the scoreboard.
Tony: [chuckles] Yeah, 50-point cushion for the professor. And there's only one tile left to play.
McGee: [smiles] Gonna be kind of tough to play that 'q' without a 'u'.
Ziva: You peeked!
McGee: Did not. Process of elimination, I counted the tiles on the board.
Tony: You suck the fun out of everything, McCheat. [Ziva suddenly looks in thought] Give it up, Ziva.
[Ziva takes her Q tile and plays it in front of an I.]
McGee: [frowns and stares at the board] "Kwee"? I don't think so.
Ziva: [smiles] Chi. As in life energy that flows through all things.
Tony: You should have seen that one coming, Probie Wan Kenobi.
McGee: No....
Ziva: [laughs] Sixty-two points!!!
Tony: Jedi wins.
McGee: I'm challenging!
Gibbs: [walking in] You all are! Grab your gear. Playtime's over.
[McGee panics, opening Ziva's drawer and dumping the tiles and board in, haphazardly sweeping the ones on desk to the floor as she gives him an odd look and the team gets ready to go.]
McGee: Uhh... that was a, uh, language exercise we weren't actually playing.
Tony: So he didn't actually lose.
McGee: Correct!
Gibbs: So he wasn't actually humiliated.
[Ziva and Tony look at each other and chuckle on their way out.]
McGee: [hurries after them, muttering] "Kwee"....

Palmer: I couldn't catch him. Now I can't even identify him. Sure Gibbs thinks I'm completely useless.
Abby: No. [reassuringly] Jimmy! You chased a crazy guy with a gun. You're a stud-muffin, you're an iron fist with a velvet glove, you're baby Gibbs.

[Ziva is confusing Tony as they talk at the crime scene.]
Tony: We've gotta figure out what he was doing here.
Ziva: And with whom he was doing it.
Tony: Doing what with?
Ziva: Whatever it was he was doing when he was undone.
Tony: [confused look] Done... what?
Ziva: Done!
Ducky: In, my dear fellow. Done in. Don't you understand the Queen's English?
Tony: Not this queen.
Ducky: Time of death. Approximately 4am. An early riser.
Palmer: Early demiser.

Ducky: [comforting Jimmy] I have no doubt that you have it in you to die a hero's death. But for the time being, I'd appreciate it if you could stay alive to help me examine the dead.

Palmer: How do you do it?
Gibbs: Hmm?
Palmer: Block out fear.
Gibbs: You don't. It's what you do with it.

Abby: Your eyes are getting heavy. All information is recorded in the subconscious mind. I'm going to count down from three. As I'm counting down, you're going to go into a deeper state of relaxation. 3... You're getting calm and relaxed. 2... You're going into a deeper state of comfort. 1... You're in a deep [touches Palmer's forehead with one finger as his eyes close shut] sleep. [gives a surprised thumb's up to McGee who nods in return]
Abby: You're at peace. You have the ability to retrieve any information at will. You have total recall. If at any time, you feel a block to your memory, take a deep breath, [Palmer takes a deep breath] and the block will melt away. Understand?
Palmer: [Nods sleepily]
Abby: Okay, I'm going to take you back to yesterday. You're at the rime scene. You find a passport.
Palmer: Passport?
Abby: Yeah, do you see it? It's vinyl, dark blue.
Palmer: Vinyl?
Abby: Yes.
Palmer: Dark blue?
Abby: Yes. Pick it up.
Palmer: No, I'm gonna get hurt.
Abby: You're safe Jimmy. No one is gonna hurt you. Deep breath. [Palmer takes a deep breath] Good. Okay, you're at the crime scene. You look down and what do you see?
Palmer: [smiles] Leather. Light brown.
Abby: [incredulous] What? [takes a deep breath and then continues] Okay, pick it up and look at it. Are you doing it?
Palmer: Mmhm.
Abby: Okay, what does it say?
Palmer: Cole Hann, low boot, size 7 and a half.
McGee: Sounds like a woman's boot.
Abby: [scolding] Jimmy, put Ziva's boot down. Can you hear me? It's Abby.
Palmer: Oh, Abby... Black, high platforms, Demonia, size 10
Abby: [stand up] Jimmy!
Palmer: [is startled awake] What? What did I say? Did we catch him? Did we learn anything about this guy?
McGee: No, but we certainly learned something about you.
Palmer: Whatever it is, it's not what you think.
McGee: If the shoe fits... [starts walking away and Abby blows out the candles]
Palmer: Wait, wait, where are you going?
McGee: These boots were made for walking.

[Palmer follows the team in his car.]
Gibbs: What are you doing here?!
Palmer: I thought I could help...
Gibbs: What part of "stay" don't you understand?! Stay! Palmer, you stay in the car!

[Palmer stops the suspect fleeing by crashing his car.]
Gibbs: What the hell were you thinking?!
Palmer: I did not get out of the car.

Judgment Day [5.18,19][edit]

Ziva: We could have made it.
Tony: The needle is below E, E stands for empty, we have less than empty, and we don't even know where it is!
Ziva: We could have made it.
Ziva and Tony: [at same time] What!
Tony: slightly annoyed, gets out of the car and starts pumping gas Why don't you make yourself useful?
Ziva: What?
Tony: I said, why don't you make yourself useful?
Ziva: What do you want me to do? Hold your nozzle?
Tony: Get us a map [Ziva makes a face, gets out of the car and starts walking to the store] ...And some white powder doughnuts and the blue ice gatorade. [she pauses, smacks her ass and keeps walking without turning around.]

Ziva: If you value that hand, I suggest you back away, slowly.

Ziva: [to Tony] First movie quote I hear, I am driving.

Tony: She doesn't want us involved. If there's one thing I learned about the Director's private wars, it's that it's best to stay away -- for her and for us! She's a big girl, she can take care of herself. Besides, it's probably a coincidence anyway, and she's behind one of those expensive windows munching on over-priced cashews courtesy of Mr. Out-of-Town.

Franks: Might be hard to believe, but I was in love once. Her name was Maggie. She had it all, quick as a fox, great curves, trusted her with my life.
Shepard: What happened?
Franks: Traded for a Harley-Davidson when the transmission blew.

Tony: She died alone.
Ziva: We are all alone.
Tony: Yeah, thanks for that.

Tony: Paris. That's when it must have happened.
Ziva: The two of them alone in another world.
Tony: Putting their lives in each other's hands every day.
Ziva: Not to mention the long nights.
Tony: It was inevitable.
Ziva: Nothing is inevitable.

Vance: Did you know Mike Franks was involved in this?
Tony/Ziva: No./Yes.
Vance: Want to take a moment to get your stories straight?
Tony/Ziva: Yes./No.
Vance: Whose side are you on?
Tony/Ziva: [together] Gibbs.
Vance: Well, you finally got your story straight.

Season 6[edit]

Last Man Standing [6.01][edit]

Ducky: Mr. Palmer, tell Gibbs he can send in the B-team.
Gibbs: Implies there's an A-team, Duck.
Ducky: Isn't there?

Gibbs: Anything else?
Abby: A number.
Gibbs: One, two, six?
Abby: One hundred and twenty six. That is the number of days that Tony, McGee and Ziva have been gone. I really didn't think you'd let it get into triple digits, Gibbs! But now it's way more! It's like a third of a whole year! I miss them!
Gibbs: Abby, you had lunch with McGee yesterday.
Abby: It's not the same. I miss them collectively, as a group. My three musketeers.

Tony: [talking on the webcam to McGee, he puts on a pirate-ish Irish accent] Ah, life in the ocean blue, me hearties. If the scurvy don't get you, the pox will. And tell me this, me little McShipmate, how is that scurrilous, blackhearted, pirate king of ours, Captain One-Shot Gibbs?
Gibbs: [walking on-sceen, but Tony can see him.] I'm just fine, DiNozzo.
Tony: [startled] Oh! Um... ah. [headslaps himself] There you go, boss. Welcome aboard.
Gibbs: Got work to do.
Tony: I'm on it, boss. What am I on, McGee?
McGee: Are you alone?
Tony: Oh, yeah! Just me and 5000 of my closest friends. I AM NEVER ALONE! [looks over shoulder, then whispers] I really need to come home, boss.
Gibbs: Working on it.

Tony: Is this hacking, McGee? Are we hacking?
McGee: We are not hacking, Tony.
Tony: But it is illegal, right? Don't answer that. I know it's illegal. I'm having fun.

Eli David: You know, Leon, sometimes, those who know me ask me directly -- the brave among them -- but most of the time the others, I can feel them looking at me and silently wondering, how can a father possibly raise his daughter to be a professional killer?
Vance: A question that I've never asked you because I know the answer.
Eli David: Every day is a fight to survive. It is my dream that my daughter will not have to make that decision with her sons and her daughters; I would like my grandchildren to be doctors and architects, to live a happy life, to grow fat and old. [pause] You want her back, don't you.
Vance: Yes, Eli, I want her back.
Eli David: Tell me, Leon, are we winning?
Vance: I don't know, Eli.
Eli David: I like to think we are... and then there's something else: a bombing, a kidnapping, an atrocity. Use her well, Leon. Ziva is the sharp end of the spear.
Vance: Thank you, Eli.

Agent Afloat [6.02][edit]

Ziva: Looks like we found the murder weapon. Toy guitar?
McGee: That is not a toy guitar. That is a guitar controller. Used to play Lords of Rock, video game. That particular model is called an axe.
Ziva: So our killer is an axe murderer.

Abby: Well, Ducky was right. It's snot.
McGee: It's not what?
Abby: It's snot.
McGee: It's not?
Abby: Yeah, it is.
McGee: It's what?
Abby: Snot. The substance found in Lindsey Evans hair. It's snot.
McGee: Well, why didn't you just say that?

Tony: What?
Ziva: You seem, um... different.
Tony: Taller? Hotter?
Ziva: Older.
Tony: Well, it's been over four months.
Ziva: You still beating yourself up over Jenny?
Tony: Not as much as I used to.
Ziva: Drinking?
Tony: Not as much as I used to.
[Ziva touches his shoulder]
Ziva: You could have called.

Ziva: So this is where you have been for the past few months
Tony: Yes, just like the squad room, only I am the squad and there is no room.

Ziva: McGee was specifically told to destroy those photos.
Tony: Guess he forgot.
Ziva: Then perhaps I should remind him.
Tony: Go easy on the lad, he's had a rough summer.
Ziva: Well, we all have.
Tony: I think it was especially difficult for McGeek. Doesn't handle change well, never has.
Ziva: He seems fine.
Tony: [scoffs] Please, cooped up in that techno-basement for four months? You know how much he loves pounding the pavement, working leads, interrogating.
Ziva: [laughs] McGee?
Tony: Yeah, not to mention Gibbs, Duckster, you and me, Abs... I mean, everyone knows how close those two are.
Ziva: McGee was in the sub-basement, Tony. They had lunch every week.
Tony: It's not the same. You get used to seeing someone every day, talking to them, relying on them, and suddenly they're not there...
Ziva: It's all part of the job.
Tony: Doesn't make it any easier... for McGee.

Tony: Kaplan is the only one who can identify Evans's killer.
Ziva: And he overdoses.
Tony: Hell of a coinky-dink.
Ziva: What's a kwinkadink?
Tony: Coincidence.
Ziva: You believe this is a dwinkakwink?
Tony: Sarcasm, Ziva; you're back in America, flip the switch.

Capitol Offence [6.03][edit]

Tony: What's going on here?
McGee: Don't know. Don't care. None of my business DiNosey.
Ziva: You are such a control geek.
Tony: Freak.
Ziva: Yes, that too.

Tony: So you stayed at Abs's last night, huh? You guys sleep in the same room?
Ziva: It is a one-bedroom apartment.
Tony: One bedroom, one bed? One coffin?
Ziva: You want the truth?
Tony: Yeah, [as Jack Nicholson] I think I can handle the truth.
Ziva: My building was being fumigated and Abby was kind enough to let me stay over... on the couch... in my pajamas.
Tony: Come on, work with me! Couldn't you lie just a little bit?

Tony: So what's up with El Jefe? Yesterday he leaves the crime scene with no explanation. Today he knew the Admiral had a problem with the victim. Where'd he get that?
McGee: Maybe he's bluffing.
Tony: Uh-uh. It was on the nose.
Ziva: Whose nose?
Tony: On the money. Bullseye. Right as rain. You were doing better before you went back to Israel. You've reverted.

Tony: [to McGee] I am the Jedi Master. You are the Padawan learner.

Gibbs: Abby, what are you doing?
Abby: A boundary has been crossed, Gibbs. I've been violated. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Gibbs: Yeah? Tell me.
Abby: Someone stole my cupcake.

Abby: I need a DNA swab.
McGee: What's this about?
Ziva: Someone stole her cupcake.
McGee: No! It's an invasion of privacy!
Abby: [glares at him] McGee, I will get your DNA one way or the other.
Tony: Do what the woman says. She sleeps in a coffin.

Cole Erickson: You're that Gunnery Sergeant the Senator always talks about.
Gibbs: We served together.
Erickson: The way he tells it, you made a young, raw Lieutenant look good.

McGee: Hey. You looking for me, Tony?
[McGee walks into Abby's lab and is confronted by Abby, Ziva and Tony.]
Abby: No, I am. Do you think I'm an idiot?
McGee: No.
Abby: What, you thought I wouldn't figure it out?
McGee: What is she talking about?
Ziva: The cupcake.
Abby: You stole it from my refrigerator. I have forensic evidence. Your big fat finger print.
McGee: Oh, come on, you think I'm that stupid? Look, if I was going to steal your precious cupcake I would not leave a fingerprint on your refrigerator.
Abby: You didn't. You used latex gloves. Brand new box, McGee. Only prints, mine and yours.
McGee: You said you were going gluten-free.
Abby: Where is it, McGee?
McGee: I was saving you from yourself, Abby.
Abby: Where did you save it, McGee?
McGee: Okay, I ate it. It was late, I hadn't eaten since lunch, the machine in the break room was empty and it looked so good.
Tony: [hugs McGee] What were you thinking, McGee? She's a world-class forensic scientist. [dope-slaps him]
Abby: Thank you Tony.
Ziva: I bought the cupcake for Abby. [dope-slaps him]
Abby: So, how was it?
McGee: It was life-changing.
Abby: Book 'em, Danno!

Heartland [6.04][edit]

Ziva: I'll call Tony.
McGee: I'll call Abby. [they both run to the laptop]
[...]
Ziva & McGee: [via webcam] Gibbs has a father!
Tony & Abby: [back at the lab] Tell me everything!
McGee: His name is Jackson. He's a good talker. He may have winked at me.
Ziva: Gibbs is very different around him.
Abby: [excitedly] Different how?? Different bad? Different good?
McGee: He's like a teenager. Sort of.

Ziva: [to Gibbs, points to a Winchester rifle on the wall] Is that the gun you learned to shoot with?
Gibbs: No one was ever allowed to touch that Winchester.
Jackson Gibbs: Let that be a lesson in parenting. Tell a kid he can't have a rifle and he grows up to be a sniper.
[Gibbs looks at his dad awkwardly]

Jackson: "Boss"? [looks at Gibbs] You make them call you them? [to McGee] He's not a... [looks back at Gibbs] Are you a boss Leroy?

Ziva: Do you feel that?
McGee: [digging through trash] What? Week-old bananas?
Ziva: No. We are being watched.
McGee: [amazed] How do you do that?

[Flashback to 1976 when Gibbs meets his wife, Shannon, for the first time]
Gibbs: Are you waiting for the train, too? [she nods] We could sit together.
Shannon: I don't know. It's a long ride, but I guess you're not a lumberjack.
Gibbs: No.
Shannon: I have a rule. It's either rule number one or number three: never date a lumberjack.
Gibbs: You got a rule for everything?
Shannon: I'm working on it. Everyone needs a code they can live by. What's your name?
Gibbs: Leroy Jethro Gibbs.
Shannon: I'm just gonna call you Gibbs.
Gibbs: You can call me anything you want.
Shannon: I'm Shannon.

Nine Lives [6.05][edit]

Gibbs: You enjoying yourself, Abs?
Abby: Yes!!! [looking at Gibbs] But you're not. Sorry.

Gibbs: Thanks, Abs. You can go back to your mold now.
Abby: Aw, Gibbs. You say the sweetest things.

[Fornell walks past McGee, Tony and Ziva to the conference room to meet an angry Gibbs]
McGee: The guy is about to be handed his head.
Ziva: He seems to have it firmly on his shoulders.
Tony: Calm before the storm. Gibbs versus Fornell. It's like Frazier-Ali or Rocky versus...everyone.

Tony: What are Mcdoing, McGee?

Abby: What do you see?
McGee: Um, french vanilla ice cream with chocolate sprinkles.
Abby: Interesting. [flipping to another picture] What now?
McGee: Um.
Abby: You can say it. We're grown-ups, McGee. Say it.
McGee: Sex.
Abby: Mold sex, actually. Practically mold porn.
McGee: Why are you showing me mold porn?

Ziva: I'm intrigued by how intrigued you are by this, Tony.
Tony: And I am curious that you are curious that I am intrigued.

Tony: Nesiah tova. [Hebrew, "have a safe trip"]
Ziva: See you next week.

Murder 2.0 [6.06][edit]

Tony: [as Norman Bates] My mother isn’t quite herself today... [to Ziva, explaining] Psycho.
Ziva: You certainly have your moments!
Tony: A movie, Ziva.
[...]
Tony: [as Norman Bates] Blood, blood!
Ziva: [to Gibbs] Psycho.
Gibbs: He has his moments.

Tony: Hey, you haven’t forgotten about the screen saver, have you, Ziva?
Ziva: Actually, I had, thanks for reminding!
Tony: What are friends for?!

Tony: [Referring to the serial killer] Someone wasn't hugged enough as a child.

Tony: Nice girl, wasn't my type though.
Ziva: Really? She was breathing.
Tony: Oh, I have standards, Ziva, otherwise I’d be dating you.

McGee: My CPU is too small.
Tony: I'm gonna let that slide.
McGee: (after his shoes are superglued to the floor) Again with the Krazy Glue?
Abby: (whispering whislt hiding under her desk) Consider yourself lucky! It was that or Hydrochloric Acid!
Ziva: I specifically told you to destry those photos...Twice! Tell me the truth and I'll spare you ONE of your eyes!

(later)

Ziva: (gasps satisfied that she has an answer) Give me your hand!
McGee: What?
Gibbs: Better than losing an eye, McGee!

Collateral Damage [6.07][edit]

Agent Wilson: How's Gibbs to work for?
Tony: What have you heard? That bad guys would rather confess than be interrogated by him? That his steely gaze can cool a room by five degrees? That he can only be killed by a silver bullet, like a werewolf? They're all true, except for the silver bullet part. It might give him indigestion or heartburn, but I don't think it'd kill him.

Ducky: Dwayne Wilson...
Gibbs: He’s a baby agent.
Ducky: And I’m looking at his personnel report because...?
Gibbs: That’s your thing!
Ducky: My thing? [pause] Ah, I take it that Agent Wilson is alive.
Gibbs: Oh yeah.
Ducky: So you don’t want me to do an autopsy, which leaves my other thing. Psychological profile?

McGee: No, you went back too far.
Ziva: I got it.
McGee: No, you went back too far.
Ziva: That’s why I’m going fast forward now.
McGee: Hey, just... let me do is. Let me do it! Please? Okay? You handle this like you handle your car!
Ziva: And if you want to handle anything ever again remove your hand from my mouse!

Tony: It's like when you bring a date home you want them to like you. You don't introduce them to your weird uncle Jethro till like the fifth date!
Gibbs: Since when are you an expert on fifth dates. DiNozzo?
Tony: You are very right, boss.

Ziva: I do not understand. If you want someone dead, you knock on their door. They answer, you shoot them. Easy.
[Gibbs smiles]
McGee: [shocked] For some.

Tony: I had a bad feeling about that guy. His teeth sparkled.
Ziva: Meaning?
Tony: Meaning no one has teeth that white unless they have something to hide.

Cloak [6.08][edit]

Ziva: What is this place?
Guard: It's classified.
Tony: Classified? What have you got in there? Aliens? Bigfoot? Ark of the Covenant? That only leaves one thing.
Ziva and McGee: [in unison] Unicorn!
Guard: What is your clearance?
Tony: About six-foot one-and-a-half. Why? Have you got lead ceilings? [points camera flash at guard]
Guard: [unimpressed by Tony's stalling tactics] Just get him out of here now, would you?
Gibbs: [passes by] Can't. Protocol.
McGee: Gotta wait for the medical examiner to release him.
[Ducky and Palmer's truck arrives at the scene]
Ziva: And there he is.
Guard: How trucks you guys got?
Tony: Well, you've already met Widow Woman, the Spider Mike here. [points to Ziva and McGee] The Rubber Ducky makes it a great big convoy.

Ziva: [hiding with Tony in a closet] Stop breathing! [Tony stops breathing as guard walks past]

Abby: Stop interrogating me, McGee!
McGee: Stop acting weird!
Abby: I am weird!

Tony: Didn't we get our fill of secret agendas and lying and manipulation during the previous administration?
Ziva: Look, I, too, had hoped things would be different by now.
Tony: I'd like to go up and give Vance a piece of my mind.
Ziva: The way you're losing it, I don't think you have enough to spare!
Tony: I'd take that toothpick of his and shove it up the SecNav's cigar.
Ziva: You have had enough of this job, then.
Tony: I like the job. I don't like the politics. Wasn't kidding about that part earlier.
Ziva: If you had ever had some military training, then maybe you would have learned to follow orders.
Tony: What, like you? We were given a direct order not to engage. I recall that you were the first one to throw a punch.
Ziva: It was a reflex!
Tony: Hmm. Really? Then what happened after? The last thing I remember before the lights went out was you Kimbo Slicing through a room full of guards. Was that a reflex?
Ziva: Yes! It was! Gunshot went off. I saw you -- [long pause]
Tony: I'm tired of pretending.
Ziva: So am I.

McGee: Wonder what they are doing up there.
Tony: Does the Navy still hang people?
Abby: Tony!
McGee: Well, it is treason, Abby.
Abby: McGeeeehee!
Tony: What else can they do? There’s no way she walks out of here.
Ziva: No way.
Lee: Good night everyone! [Walks out]
McGee: So they know you're innocent?
Abby: (scoffs) As a puppy!
McGee: (stands up and leans over the table before kissing Abby's cheek happily)
McGee: (to Vance) The suspect's not saying anyhting!
Abby: (pretends to unzip her lips) I want a lawyer! (pretends to zip her lips back up)

Dagger [6.09][edit]

McGee: [getting navigation set up for Tony and Ziva to go after a lead] There is a built in compass so you don't get lost.
Tony: Don't worry, McScout. We've got our Mossad hunting dog. Bark once for yes.
Ziva: [growls]

[McGee is on the phone with Tony, concerned he's lost their signal]
Tony: Define 'lost', McGee. I know exactly where we are. We're between a tree and a bush, directly underneath the earth's sun.
McGee: Well you're not showing up on the map, let me restart the scan.
Tony: You might wanna hurry. Ziva's turning in circles; either the trail's gone cold, or she's about to mark her territory.

Tony: I smell a non-fat soy double-cross latte.

Tony: McGPS, are we close to anything?

Tony: How can you work with someone for three years and not know they have a kid?
Ziva: Just because you work with somebody everyday does not mean that you know *everything* about them.
Tony: Really? So I shouldn't know about that tattoo on the inside of your...
Ziva: I MEANT, I understand someone wanting to keep their personal and professional lives seperate, as should you. It did not end very well, when you fell in love when you were undercover, did it?
Tony: ...Thanks for the memory.

Ziva: [putting an ear wig on Lee] You've pled your case with everyone else, why not me?
Lee: I'm done trying to explain. No one understands.
Ziva: I do.
Lee: ...You would do what I did?
Ziva: [Reffering to her ear piece] That too tight?
Lee: It's fine. Thank you... I'm never going to see my daughter again, am I?
Ziva: Probabaly not.

Ziva: Red apples. That's good Amanda.
Tony: Breakfast is served, my lady a chocolate chip cookie [Amanda saying Thank you] and some hot cocoa.
Ziva: Your aunt will be here soon to pick you up.
Amanda: Thank you for helping me with my drawing, Ziva.
Gibbs: You are one brave little girl Amanda.
Amanda: Where's Mi - Shi? [walking over to window] What happened to your hand?
Gibbs: [Gibbs hands Agent Lee's badge to Amanda] Mi-Shi would want you to have that.

Road Kill [6.10][edit]

[Tony has taken his picture on his computer]
McGee: I'm not even going to ask.
Ziva: Allow me. [To Tony] What are you doing, Tony?
Tony: Best deep in thought face.
Ziva: I guess there's a first time for everything.
Tony: [As the computer displays his picture] Nailed it. All right, Strawdog24. Beat this one. [Puts it on the webpage] Yeah, baby.
McGee: [Reading the website name] Ibeatyou.com. The place to compete online with anyone at anything.
Tony: Yeah. It's very fun. Very addictive. Look at this guy. Best air guitar. Look at that guy. Best "do the Hustle." [McGee walks back to his desk] I mean, you name it, they got it.
Ziva: The Hustle?
Tony: The Hustle. Saturday Night Fever? Travolta. [Mimics dancing in his chair]
Ziva: [Laughs sarcastically] What is the point?
Tony: What is the point of any dance? It's about letting loose. It's, you know, having a good time.
Ziva: I meant the web site, Tony.
Tony: It's... fun. It is... amusement. Light-hearted pleasure.
Ziva: I know what you're doing. I know how to have fun, Tony.
Tony: Really? Do tell.
Ziva: The Hustling and the deep thinking photos. Those are all just, you know. Child's play. Tell him, McGee. [Tony looks over in McGee's direction, as does Ziva. Both look at him oddly] McGee?
[Cut to McGee making a contorted face]
McGee: [on the same web site] Uh, I'm just working on my best psycho face here.
Tony: It's not bad, Probie. Just need to work a little bit more with the eyebrow. See what I'm saying? [Holds his hand in front of McGee as he continues making the contorted look] See how that reads? See that?
McGee: [With contorted face] Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
Tony: That's what you want.
Gibbs: Would you two like some time alone together?

Man on Ship: You the Navy Cops?
Tony: Yeah, my seahorse is double-parked outside. You ought to see the lights.

Ziva: I remember my first fight. I was eight. Shemer Rubenstein.
Tony: Sounds like a real stud.
Ziva: One punch and it was over.
Tony: What did Shemer Rubenstein do to deserve the wrath of Ziva?
Ziva: He said he liked me.

Tony: Look, everybody enjoys a good book, but don't you ever have the urge to just act a little...
Ziva: Childish?
Tony: Silly. Stupid. Brainless.
Ziva: Like you?
Tony: Exactly.
Ziva: Tony, you and I come from two totally different places. In my world, you grow up. Fast. You have no choice.
Tony: Now you do.

Silent Night [6.11][edit]

Ducky: Something wrong, Jethro?
Gibbs: Fingerprints found at a double homicide yesterday belong to a Petty Officer who's supposed to have been dead seventeen years. [hands Ducky a file] His death certificate.
Ducky: Oh, dear. [chuckles] Someone's in trouble. [looks at the certificate] I signed it?!

Abby: I don't know what to get anybody. What do you think Tony needs?
Gibbs: An attitude adjustment.
Abby: Gibbs, you're not helping.

Abby: I like everything about Christmas. Except for that Chipmunk song. And shopping... I never know what to get anyone. Especially Gibbs! What do you get for the guy who has nothing and wants... nothing.
Ducky: Some squeaky shoes.
Abby: [startles, looking behind her] Hi, Gibbs!

Caged [6.12][edit]

McGee: (on the phone with his mechanic) ...So, how much?
Tony: One octave or two?
Ziva: Two.
McGee: [high-pitched] $600?!

Ziva: Her name is Hannah, and she's asked me out to lunch, twice.
Tony: You? [blinks and considers]
Ziva: Did your rocketship just take a nosedive?
Tony: No. It just landed on a different planet.

Ziva: There is no doubt in my mind you will get that confession, McGee.
McGee: [looks from her to Tony and smiles] Thank you, Ziva. [leaves]
Tony: He's toast, isn't he?
Ziva: Oh, yes. Burnt toast.

Abby: They haven't hurt McGee, have they?
Ziva: We have not heard anything.
Tony: [holds evidence box] Got something for ya from Trimble's apartment, Abby. We need to figure all this stuff out before sunset.
Abby: Define 'before sunset'!
Tony: Before the sun goes down.
Abby: [looks frustrated and sighs, grabbing the box and heads to table]
Abby: The sun sets at around 5:02. So, does that mean we have until five oh one?
Ziva: Before sunset.
Abby: That could be now. Not good enough! I can't take this. Every time you guys go out, and I never know if you're gonna make it back, [Tony and Ziva exchange a look as she mutters] and it's killing me. I can't sleep at night and I'm developing this sort of weird twitch.
Ziva: Our work is sometimes dangerous, Abby.
Abby: Then get a safer job.
Tony: Then you wouldn't see us at all.
Abby: [frowns] True. Still...sucks!

Ziva: I checked Trimble's phone records, Gibbs. One person called him over 150 times last month. It was another prison guard by the name of Brenda Carter.
Tony: Five calls a day. I give her an eight on the DiNozzo psycho chick meter. Ten being Glenn Close from Fatal Attraction. Look at those eyes; crazy eyes!

McGee: [on the phone with his mechanic] You told me my car would be ready by the end of today...
Tony: One octave or two?
McGee: Listen up, because this is what you're gonna do. You're gonna take the first estimate and you're gonna reduce it by 10 percent. Then you're going to find my part, install my part and have my car parked upfront and ready for me when I walk out of this building in 32 minutes.
Tony: Wow. Who'd guess McGee would grow a pair in a women's prison?
McGee: I put away killers for a living, that's what I do. Now you do exactly as I told you and we won't have any problems, understood? Good, clock's ticking.
Abby: Wow, McGee, your time in the big house really changed you. I like it!

Broken Bird [6.13][edit]

McGee: [seeing a large package on his desk] Oh, goody, they're here!
Tony: Goody? Who says goody?!
Ziva: What is it?
McGee: [opens box, pulling out an old computer] This is my Mac SE. Got it for my eleventh birthday. [lovingly] She's my first!
Tony: This is going to get really strange, isn't it?
Ziva: Going to?

Palmer: You're very calm.
Abby: I am. If I keep going to Crazytown every time one of you gets hurt, I'm going to have to have my mail forwarded.

Gibbs: The last thing she said was "You killed my brother". Any idea why she would've said that?
Ducky: Probably because I killed her brother.

Love & War [6.14][edit]

[Tony and Ziva yelling into their desk telephones]
Tony: I already rebooted the system, Frank! Twice!
Ziva: Four hours! Four hours! That is how long I waited for your cable repairman! Four hours!
Tony You already said that! No! I will not reboot again! I will never reboot it again!
Ziva: Reschedule?! So you can waste another Saturday?!
Tony: Just tell me you have no idea how to fix the problem, then we can both get on with our lives!
[Tony and Ziva slam their phones down in disgust at the same time]
Ziva: Someone will die today.
[McGee cheerful walks in]
McGee: Morning, team!
[Ziva looks at him strangely, Tony glares at him]
Ziva: Morning
Tony: Team
Ziva: You are in a particularly good mood today, McGee?
Tony: [sarcastically] Yeah, and I don't like it. Where's Gibbs?
McGee: [smiles at Tony] I had a good week.

Tony: I think you have me confused with someone who is far less awesome.

Ziva: You have to tell him the truth.
Tony: Maybe. Not until I'm absolutely sure lying won't work.

McGee: We're trying to make a connection between Jennings and his killer.
Ziva: Brandon Sykes. But we hit a dead end.
Tony: No pun intended?
Ziva: Actually, it was.
Tony: Well, in that case, nicely done.

Tony: It's like I said, it's always the maid.
Ziva: No. You have said it is always the janitor, or the butler, or anyone assigned to work in Abby's lab, but you have never once said maid.
Tony: Anyone ever tell you that your memory can be a real buzz kill?
[...]
Tony: Who do you think she's working for? Chinese? Russians?
Ziva: Cubans. After all, she is Cuban.
Tony: That's way too obvious. Haven't I taught you anything?

Deliverance [6.15][edit]

Tony: Melinda. [looks into his little black book, then prevents Ziva from taking it]
Ziva: How many Melinda's do you have in that thing?
Tony: It could be the girl I talk to at the gym.
Ziva: You don't go to the gym.
Tony: Well maybe it was the girl I talked to at the dog park.
McGee: You don't have a dog.
Tony: Oh, it could have been that girl I met at the concession stand while my date was in the bathroom.
Ziva: You need a secretary.
McGee: Or a therapist.
Gibbs: Or both.

Ziva: Why shoot your hostage from down here?
Tony: Maybe they were sending a message. The kind that McGee takes: cyptic, hard to decipher. [glares at McGee]

Ziva: Pecados Capitales
Tony: "Capital Fish".
Ziva: "Deadly sins", you idiot. Fish is pescado.
Tony: Don't scoff at me. Lots of gangs are named after deadly fish. There's the Sharks. There's the Barracudas, Rumble Fish...

[Tony and Ziva are updating Gibbs on the case]
Ziva: There is a smurf war...
Tony: Turf war!

[Gibbs and Mike Franks are in Abby's lab]
Abby: This is so cool. Someone writes your service number on a roof and then you just show up! It's like it's sending out the bat signal and having Batman just show up. [looks at Franks] And his mentor Ra's al Ghul. [Franks looks at her blankly, Gibbs smiles at Franks] Or like Princess Leia sending a hologram, Help me Obi-Wan. And then getting Obi-Wan with his mentor Qui-Gon Jinn. [Franks smiles at her blankly] You know it's weird, 'cause Liam Neeson played both their mentors.

Abby: C'mon McGee! Type something about the something into something!

Ziva: Beretta's, 9mm?
Staff Sgt. Medina: Feel free.
Ziva: Do you mind?
Medina: Not at all, ma'am. Do your best.
Tony: [sighs] Oh, God.
Medina: Stand by at station two for live fire.
Ziva: [fires once and clears the round] I prefer the SIG.
Medina: A lot of women have trouble with the Beretta. Think it has too much of a kick.
Ziva: Your sight is a few millimeters off.
Medina: Really?
Tony: [shows Medina the target with a bullet hole in the head] Really.

Tony: Popeye Carmano? NCIS. Are we all listening to the same song? Let me guess. Ricky Martin fans, Livin' La Vida Loca.
Carmano: You gotta leave, man.
Tony: But we just got here!
Carmano: Yeah, but it's a very dangerous neighborhood.
Tony: That's why I brought her.
Carmano: La bonita es un Federale. [English: The beauty is a federal agent.]
Rico: Federales es un buena.
Tony: La bonita will kick your ass.

Ziva: Sit down.
Carmano: I ain't sittin' down.
Ziva: Sientate! Or do you want la bonita to sit your ass down?
Carmano: I thought you forgot about me, that's all.
Tony: You in a hurry to get somewhere Popeye? 'Cause you sure ain't going home to Olive Oyl and Swee'Pea anytime soon.

[Franks is pacing around the squad room]
Franks: Got two Marines chained to the roof, don't know why. Got somebody behind it pulling strings, don't know who.
Tony: Can we wind the clock back to the part where we find out what Gibbs is doing in Colombia?
Ziva: Or how it is connected to the gang.
Franks: [ignores them] Got a punk who didn't kill anybody who says he did and a kid who wrote Probie's service number in blood saying he didn't.
Gibbs: [walks in] You done?
Franks: Done watching you shave with a butter knife. Let me talk to that kid. I'll get him to tell us what the hell is going on here.
Gibbs: Can't do that Mike. I let him go.
Franks: You what?
Gibbs: You wanna find something, you follow it. Learned that one from you.

Bounce [6.16][edit]

McGee: Who would want to impersonate Tony?
Ziva: Perhaps Jack Nicholson? You know, impersonation revenge?

Tony: Hey, talk to me, Abs! Here you go. [Hands her a Caf-Pow!]
Abby: Thank you, Gibbs.
Tony: Abby?
Abby: I was just examining the evidence from the murder scene, Gibbs.
Tony: Abby?
Abby: The room was, luckily, really clean, because, you know, hotel rooms, they can be a forensic scientists' biggest nightmare, Gibbs.
Tony: Abby! I'm not Gibbs!
Abby: Yes, you are, because if you're not, there's a problem. And after Sister Rosita spraining her ankle after the sixth frame, and Mr. Giggles escaping --
Tony: Mr. Giggles?!
Abby: Stay on topic, Gibbs.
Tony: Not Gibbs!
Abby: Okay. Tell me. I can take it.
Tony: Well, he's just upstairs --
Abby: Wait! I can't.
Tony: Rule 38. [Indicating that if it's your case, you're the boss]
Abby: Oh! [smiles brightly]

McGee: So Tony is in charge again.
Ziva: Yes.
McGee: How do you feel about it?
Ziva: Tony is a competent, capable investigator and a good leader. You do not agree?
McGee: Yeah, I agree, it's just that he's kind of irritating when he's not the boss. When he is, he walks around with that peacock strut and that smirk. It's like -- he's behind me, isn't he?
Tony: Smirking.

Gibbs: He got scared. He found out his partner was going to meet with the agent from the original case. It wasn't DiNozzo but the killer didn't know that. If I'm him I'm wondering why my buddy is meeting with a federal agent. Hmmm. Maybe he's going to flip on me. He can't if he's dead. There's our motive, we just need our killer.
Tony: May've just found him. Abby just matched a print from Renny's hotel room to one of his former coworkers. A Commander Carl Davis. Gear Up. [Ziva and McGee stare at Gibbs blankly]
Gibbs: What?
McGee: We've just never heard you say that much at one time.
Ziva: Or in a week.
Gibbs: Wasn't my job before. Come on.

Tony: The Burning Bed, 1984, Farrah Fawcett
Gibbs: Torched her husband while he was sleeping. [Tony stares at him] Second wife's favorite movie.
Tony: Maybe Commander Davis' wife is going for a sequel.
McGee: Hell hath no fury...
Gibbs: ...like a woman's scorn. Third wife's favorite quote.
[Tony and McGee are looking a photos of the suspect with another woman taken by a private investigator hired by his wife]
[...]
Tony: The husband, how kind of him. What do they say?....
Gibbs: Misery loves company.
Tony: Where'd you get that? Your fourth wife?

Tony: If we asked for a life vest he's throwing an anchor

Gibbs: How did it go?
Tony: I guess I missed him.
Gibbs: Yeah? Well, I figured.
Tony: Boat, Bourbon, basement. I get it.

South by Southwest [6.17][edit]

Tony: A law firm in London wants me to call them. Says it's important.
Ziva: What could they want?
Tony: I don't know. Maybe it's about my Uncle Clive. You remember that funeral I went to last month?
Ziva: Your uncle really died? I thought you were making that up to get some time off.

Sheriff Boyd: You know, you might want to let go of that horn, junior. Riding a horse is like making love, you got to relax and enjoy it.
Tony: Sheriff, I have a strong feeling that you and I enjoy both of those activities in really different ways. No disrespect.

Tony: [after riding a horse all day] Ohhh, can you get nerve damage in your buttocks?
Gibbs: You're gonna feel worse in the morning.

Gibbs: Any word on Dina Risi?
Sheriff Boyd: No. We tried all our sources. No one seems to know where she went.
Gibbs: You know her?
Sheriff Boyd: Well, I met her. She was chained to a tree, I was the one with the bolt cutters and handcuffs.

Ziva: You're counting your eggs before they're laid.
Tony: Operative word is 'laid'.

[Tony has trouble controlling his horse; it's turning in circles]
Tony: Uh oh, sheriff, I think he lost a contact.

Knockout [6.18][edit]

[Tony and Tara inside the elevator]
Tony: For some reason you can see right through my disguise.
Tara: How bad's the dry spell?
Tony: Saharan.
Tara: Never been a problem before?
Tony: You kidding me? Not since Lisa Mullen taught me to play doctor in the second grade.
Tara: What's changed?
Tony: Real doctor, real love, real bad breakup.
Tara: Messed you up pretty bad, huh?
Tony: Kicked off a slump with women that's unprecedented in my adult life. I've tried everything. I mean, I'm dating constantly, but I can't seem to get it right. I'm not closing the deal, you know? Like there's a saboteur in my head. I'm making every rookie mistake. I'm talking about myself too much at dinner. I mean, I'm talking about my ex, I'm talking about my feelings, I...I scare 'em off.
Tara: Crying.
Tony: Ha! DiNozzo men don't cry.
Tony: Let's skip to the last step.
Tara: That's easy. Pick the right woman. [At that very moment Tara flips the switch to open the elevator doors and to reveal Ziva behind them]

Tara: Thank you, Anthony, you're very sweet- my patron saint.
Tony: Actually, Saint Nicholas is the patron saint of hook... [stops himself from saying hookers] Saint Anthony is who you turn to when you've lost something.
Tara: So, who does Anthony turn to when he's lost something?
Tony: How do you know I've lost something?
Tara: [laughing] I may not know my saints, but I definitely know my sinners.

Gibbs: Abs, what do you got?
Abby: I am not at liberty to discuss the details of Director Vance's case with you. And I would certainly hope that you wouldn't try to bribe me.
Gibbs: I wouldn't do that. [he sets a Caf-pow next to her]
Abby: Because I can't say a word about the five slugs that Ducky pulled out of Owens' body. Not that there's a word to say, 'cause I don't even know if these .45 cal S&Ws are a match to the weapon that was found in the deceased's pocket. Not that I would tell you if they are. I'm assuming that your curiosity is for educational purposes. After Ducky does the autopsy we should be able to calculate how long that accumulated post mortem gasses took to counteract the weight that kept Owens submerged.

Abby: Great, now I have to build a freaking coffin!

Vance: Whaddaya say David? Wanna go a few rounds?
Ziva: I think that would violate my primary assignment.
Vance: Only if you manage to lay a glove on me.
Issac: Excuse me, darling, but this gym ain't co-ed.
Ziva: Another time.
Vance: Just say when.

Tony: [standing up on desk, yelling] Excuse me. K listen up everybody, I need your full attention here. Lenny, Squiggy, Q-Tip, Q-Bert, Bungo Straight, Vertical Bill, can you hear me back there? [says to hot girl] Oh hi Natalie, hi. You look very nice today. [resumes yelling] I have lost my wallet. So, if you've seen it, please return it to me. There will be no judgment, maybe even a small reward.
[everyone looks annoyed as they turn back to work, Tony sees Gibbs standing next to the desk he is on]
Tony: Hi boss, I lost my... [jumps down from desk] You're going to say mind or marbles...
Gibbs: Job.

Ziva: You can't make an omelet without breaking some legs.
Tony: You're never making me breakfast!
Ziva: That is the truth!
Tony: It's supposed to be "eggs".
Ziva: Cook them yourself!

Tara: Teek? Is that you?
Vance: You have a decision to make Tara. Do we walk out of here, or do I carry you?

Hide and Seek [6.19][edit]

Abby: [imitating Gibbs] Gear up!
Tony: You're not Gibbs.
Abby: [imitating Gibbs] There's a gun found at a Navy base housing.
McGee: Abby, that doesn't warrant a team call-out. A: There are thousands of guns on a Navy base..
Tony: ..and B: You're not Gibbs.
Abby: Ok, what if I told you that the base MP's gave me the gun to test.
McGee: Doesn't warrant a team call-out. [Ziva and Tony shake their heads in unison]
Abby: And the gun was found under a kid's bed. And, it was loaded.
Ziva: Still does not warrant a call-out.

[Abby drinks from Gibbs' coffee cup and gags]

Abby: And it was recently fired.
Tony, Ziva and McGee: It's not a call-out!
Gibbs: [walking into the office] You heard the lady. Gear up!
Abby: They only listen to their master, Gibbs. Only you can crack the whip. [hands coffee to Gibbs] Only you can drink this swill.

Ziva: This reminds me of the forests I used to have fun in as a child.
Tony: I find that hard to believe.
Ziva: What, that Israel had forests?
Tony: No, that you had fun as a child.
Ziva: [laughs] Oh, sure. My father used to blindfold us, take us to the middle of the forest, and then we had to find our way out by ourselves.
Tony: I stand corrected.

Tony: McGee, do you have any idea what world of pain these kids will be in when their dads get home? You ever see The Great Santini?
McGee: Don't need to see it - I lived it.

Abby: Okay, the victim, Leonard Caswell, postal worker. He was shot at point blank range by Robert Perry. It's kind of funny; a non-postal worker going postal on a postal worker. Not funny like, ha-ha funny, but funny like comically absurdly amusing funny. Like irony, comedy is very subjective.

Gibbs: How was the pawn shop?
Ziva: I hit a stone wall.
Tony: It's a brick wall.
Ziva: No, it was a stone wall. I backed up too quickly.

Gibbs: Abs, music?
Abby: I know. I can barely stand it. I can't focus, it's effecting my cognitive function, I'm getting agitated. It's not for me. It's for them. [indicating maggots in a jar] I'm playing classical music for babies. It's supposed to increase their spatiotemporal reasoning and increase intelligence. [sighs] If I keep listening to this, I'm gonna turn into a psycho killer.

McGee: I can find an H-waffle double zigzag waffle, I can find a double zigzag H-waffle double zigzag, but not a zigzag double H-waffle zigzag.
Tony: I see a fish riding a unicorn.

Dead Reckoning [6.20][edit]

Perry: Any word on my immunity?
Tony: Well, I hear zinc lozenges help, but you might want to try some vitamin C or echinacea. Oh, you mean your immunity? No.

Kort: Secret lovers could no longer live in a lie.

Ziva: [on the phone outside the safehouse] Tony, we have been compromised.
Tony: What are you talking about, Ziva? Is this a drill??
Perry: Did she get my medicine?!
Ziva: I'm going around the back.
Tony: Come here. Let's go. What are you doing?! Let's go! [sees Ziva walk in the door] Should we go?
Ziva: We are more vulnerable in transit. Take cover.
Perry: What is she going to do?
Tony: You know, I don't really know. Bathroom, now.
Ziva: [calls Gibbs on speakerphone and places phone on the table, then draws two pistols]
Gibbs: Yeah? Gibbs.
Ziva: We have a situation at the safehouse.
Gibbs: Well, yeah, Ziva. What is it?
Ziva: Just a second. [both men break in a door each, only to be shot dead]
Gibbs: Ziva? Ziva! Ziva, talk to me!
Ziva: Under control. [hangs up]
Gibbs: [smiles and hangs up]

Tony: [in a newscaster voice] In a tragic story of obsessive hobbying turned deadly, an NCIS agent was discovered in his basement, crushed between a large homemade boat, and an even larger bottle of bourbon!

McGee: Abby, no one was hurt. Tony and Ziva are fine.
Abby: They're not fine! Not as long as someone is leaking information! I mean, how else would Siravo have known about our meeting with Flores and that we had Perry? [McGee shrugs] See?? No one is safe until I find this leak.
McGee: Any luck?
Abby: No! There were no unusual outgoing calls from the NCIS switchboard. I ran all the phone numbers for everyone with knowledge of the crime: Gibbs, Tony, Ziva, you, me, home, cell and office.
McGee: You ran your own home phone records?
Abby: Yeah. Gibbs orders.

Tony: In a topsy-turvy world where nothing is as it seems, the one place you can turn to is the wall! [slaps his hands on the NCIS Most Wanted wall]
Ziva: We ran his prints. The coma man is indeed Jonathan Siravo.
Tony: Yes. The master of pirates can't change his diapers, but running an international crime syndicate?! That he can do in his sleep! [glares] You lied to me, wall!

Toxic [6.21][edit]

Abby: Oh, I remember those days. When I was carefree and full of joy. I envy you, Tony.
Tony: Why are you dressed for a funeral, Abby?
McGee: Is everything okay?
Abby: No. Frank is sick.
Ziva: Who is Frank?
Abby: My mandibular second molar. It's been killing me for a week. I'm finally going to the dentist.
Tony: You name your teeth?
Abby: You don't?

Ziva: This is nice. Being able to work without Tony's incessant babbling. It is almost as if he cannot go on for more than thirty seconds without hearing his own voice. You know, the truly amazing thing is that he fails to realize just how irritating he is to those around him.
Gibbs: Ziva!
Ziva: Yes, Gibbs?
Gibbs: Babbling.

Abby: Heller made the bullet and I made the gun.
Tony: Huh. Assassination made easy, but I mean really, a gun would be easier.
Gibbs: He didn't build it to kill someone.
Tony: He built it to sell it.
Abby: [sarcastically] Perfect. Hi, I'm Abby Sciuto: International bio-weapons dealer.

Abby: [to Gibbs] I can hear you staring.

Abby: Did I miss it?
Ziva: No, he's letting him sit.
Abby: Sit?! He gets a chair? He -- he kills bunnies!!

Legend: Part 1 [6.22][edit]

[As they walk into the squad room]
McGee: Tony, I am not arguing with you.
Tony: You're arguing now.
McGee: No I am not.
Tony: Are too.
McGee: This is not an argument.
Tony: Yes it is.
McGee: (exasperated) No, it's not.
Tony: Yes. It is. (phone rings) Hang on...
[Tony proceeds to answer Ziva's phone for her, teasing her as she walks up about the man on the other end before she snatches it]
Tony: (wanders to McGee's desk) What were we arguing about before?
McGee: (gives him a look) We were not arguing.
Tony: Oh, right. Yes we were.
McGee: Do you understand that that's what we were arguing about? The fact that you will argue about the least little thing. Sometimes you will argue about nothing at all... you just want to argue.
Tony: That's not arguing, McContrary. C'mon. Have a little insight. That's bantering.
McGee: No, it's not. 'Banter' is light-hearted, witty repartee.
Tony: (grins) Go onnn...
McGee: (looks annoyed for a moment, then gives up and smirks) It's your turn to get the coffee. Go.

Tony: Long distance can be hard. Telefriend from Tel Aviv?
Ziva: You're jealous.
Tony: I'm not jealous.
Ziva: Yes, you are.
Tony: No, I'm not. I'm not arguing, boss.
McGee: Argue!
Tony: Am not!

Tony: He got a name?
Ziva: Who?
Tony: The star of David.
Ziva: Oh, him. Yes, he has a name.
Tony: Trevor? Bruce? Marmaduke?
Ziva: Michael.
Tony: Hm. He sounded more like a Bruce than a Michael on the phone.
Gibbs: Okay, grab your toothbrush.
McGee: Road trip?
Gibbs: Los Angeles.
Tony: Cali-for-ni-ay. What time do we leave?
Gibbs: Not we. [Points to McGee]
Tony: McGee? Not me? McGoo? You?!

Abby: Are you going somewhere?
Gibbs: Yeah. That's what I came down here to tell you. Los Angeles.
Abby: Into the lionesses den?!
Gibbs: [Kisses her cheek] I'm taking McGee.
Abby: Gibbs. It's just last time you guys went to L.A. one of you didn't come back.
Gibbs: I'll bring him home, Abs. [Walks away]
Abby: Just make sure you bring yourself back, too.

Tony: Get any more hits on our secret thing?
Abby: Do you know how busy I've been?
Tony: I know how busy you've been.
Abby: Okay, just asking. We got one hit, but it is a doozy. Guy on the right, Michael Rivkin, our supposed Israeli banker. Guy on the left, director of Mossad, Eli David. Also known as --
Tony: Ziva's father.
Abby: She must know Rivkin.
Tony: You don't ask her. You don't breathe a word of this, Abby. [Deletes file]
Abby: Tony.
Tony: I mean it.

Legend: Part 2 [6.23][edit]

Tony: [Speaking of Abby] Ignore her, probie, she's suffering Gibbs withdrawal. Transferring it onto you because of a deep seated fear that Gibbs may withhold love and give her a first time head slap if he came back and saw his desk festooned in balloons and decorated like some tacky Tiki bar with messages of affection written possibly in blood. She ain't missin' you at all!

[At McGee's desk, Abby silently gives Tony a thumbs-up]


Tony: Are we fighting?
Ziva: If we were you would be on the floor bleeding.
Tony: Okay, I accept that as a likely outcome.

Tony: I have a problem with your boyfriend killing our two prime suspects.
Ziva: Really? In my country that would be cause for celebration!
Tony: Well, you aren't in your country and neither is he!

Semper Fidelis [6.24][edit]

Tony: Here come the clowns.
McGee: The FBI does have jurisdiction in the death of a federal agent.
Tony: Yeah, well I like our chances with Gibbs in there waving a chair around like Gunther Gable Williams. Lion tamer. He's my second favorite hero after Steve McQueen.
McGee: Sure, because riding a motorcycle looks cool and all, but --
Tony: But nobody messes with a man riding an elephant.

Ziva: He did not get out this way.
Foster-Yates: Unless could cross a lawn without bending a blade of grass.
Ziva: Not impossible with the proper training.
Tony: She can also do that trick where you put your ear to a rail and you can hear a train coming.
Foster-Yates: You get the same training?
Tony: Me? No. But I can eat a bucket of chicken in one sitting, and I have x-ray vision.

Foster-Yates: So you and Ziva don't always agree on everything?
Tony: No, not everything. Healthy debates breeds, uh, creative solutions. Isn't that right, Ziva? [looks around them, puzzled] Where'd she go?
Ziva: [from investigating up in a tree, gestures how intruders got past] A few branches are missing up here. They go in, he goes up, then out [points] that gate. [her cell phone rings, she smiles down at them] Oh, it's McGee.
McGee: Hey. Gibbs wants you guys to come back.
Ziva: I'm up a tree.
McGee: Well, this might only confuse you further.
Ziva: Well, who said I was confused?
McGee: You said you were up a tree.
Ziva: I am!
Tony: Why is he calling you and not me? I'm the senior field agent.
Ziva: I don't know why he's not calling you, Tony. [McGee, on phone, says 'I did call.'] He's not making any sense.
McGee: And you're the one not making sense.
Ziva: He said he called you.
Tony: [looks at his cell] I'm not getting any signal. How come you're getting a signal and I'm not?
Ziva: Because I'm up a tree.
McGee: Oh.
Tony: Ohhh. We often solve cases like this.

Ziva: Goodnight.
Tony: Night. [watches Ziva leave]
Gibbs: Rule number eleven, DiNozzo.
Tony: I would never date a co-worker, boss. Trust me. I mean, why would you even -- [Gibbs smiles slightly] -- that's twelve. Eleven: when the job is done, walk away.
[...]
Gibbs: So, what's on your mind?
Tony: Rivkin's been in town.
Gibbs: I know.
Tony: With Ziva?
Gibbs: The guy doesn't listen.
Tony: Does that bother you on a professional level or a personal one?
Gibbs: I'll tell you what. I'm having a little trouble untangling the two.
Tony: So you are bothered.
Gibbs: Oh yeah.

Aliyah [6.25][edit]

Gibbs: [about Tony] I am going to see him again, right, Leon?
Ziva: He will not be harmed. Only two people have the authority to do that.
Vance: Your father's one. The other?
Ziva: Me.

Tony: I had no choice.
Ziva: That's a lie.
Tony: Why would I lie to you, Ziva?
Ziva: To save your worthless ass.
Tony: From who, Vance? Mossad?
Ziva: You jeopardized your entire career and for what?
Tony: For you. He was playing you Ziva.
Ziva: And for some reason you felt it was your job to protect me?
Tony: I did what I had to do.
Ziva: You killed him!
Tony: If I hadn't you'd be having this conversation with him. But maybe that's the way you'd prefer it?
Ziva: Perhaps I would.
Tony: Okay, why don't you just get this out -- you want to take a punch, take a swing. Get it out of your system! Go ahead, do it!!
Ziva: Be careful Tony, because much like Michael, I only need one.
Tony: And that's what you're really angry about isn't it? That's what's bothering you. It's not that he's dead, it's that your Mossad boyfriend got his ass kicked by a chump like me.
Ziva: You took advantage of him.
Tony: He attacked me, what was I supposed to do? [Ziva knocks Tony down]
Ziva: You saw a glass table, you pushed him back. You dropped him on it. He was impaled in the side by a shard of glass. Bloody. Gasping for air.
Tony: I see you read my report.
Ziva: I memorized it! You could have left it at that. You could have walked away, but no, you let him up. You put a bullet in his chest.
Tony: You weren't there.
Ziva: You could have put one in his leg.
Tony: You-weren't-there.
Ziva: But I should have been.
Tony: You loved him?
Ziva: I guess I'll never know. [walks away leaving Tony on the ground]

Eli: My daughter speaks very highly of you.
Gibbs: She's a good agent.
Eli: Liaison Officer
Gibbs: She's one of us.
Eli: So she tells me.
Gibbs: (referring to Tony who's in interrogation) So's the guy in there.

Eli: Agent DiNozzo, my sincere apologies for your wait.
Tony: it's okay. I dig hanging out in concrete bunkers, especially after tweleve-hour plane rides in cramped quarters.
Eli: Your sarcasim is noted.
Tony: So's your shirt. Nice style. What is that? Zegna? Cavalli? Got good taste.
Eli: I' m not ceratain how my apparel applies to your visit.
Tony: And I'm not certain how you can classify my visit (pause) as a visit. All right, just so we understand, this is what I do for a living. I interrogate people all day long, so I know all the tricks of the trade and nothing you do is going to intimidate me.
Eli: Interrogate? This is an assembly room. It's a place for mutual discussion. You have yet to see our interrogation room. But if you continue with your childish arrogance, I promise you will.

(Cut to Vnace and Gibbs watching them in another room... live feed on a TV screen)

Vance: How many times did I tell DiNozzo to leave his smart ass attitude back in DC!
Gibbs: You shoulda checked his bags.
Vance: I thought you said your boy was up to this.
Gibbs: You're the one who threw him to the wolves, Leon. Let him find his own way.
Vance: You call this a fight, he better start showing me something.
Gibbs: Take him off the team, he already has.

(Cut back to Eli and Tony)

Eli: Oh, Agent DiNozzo, what you need to understand is that I am very aware of of who you are. Your achievements.. and your misjudgments.
Tony: Okay, stop right there. If this is about my Twitter page, I just clarify I had a couple of cocktails and, what can I say? Sometimes I get a little chatty.
Eli: Do you know who I am?
Tony: You're the Director of Mossade ... and Ziva's father. Although, I'm not sure which one's asking the questions.
Eli:' Sometimes it's hard to separate. And it appears you have had difficulty separating your work from your emotions as well. You believed Officer Rivkin was bad?
Tony: He killed an American agent.
Eli: An accident. Unlike his death, which was intentional. But what was behind that intent? Retribution for an agent you had never even met? You knew that Officer Rivkin would be at Ziva's apartment.You went there to confront him.

Eli David: With traffic, I wasn't expecting you for another hour.
Ziva: I drove.
Eli David: Enough said.

Eli David: When did you start wearing so much makeup?
Ziva: Nice to see you, too.

Saleem Ulman: [to a hostage Ziva] Tell me everything you know about NCIS.

Season 7[edit]

Truth or Consequences [7.01][edit]

[Tony is being interrogated. Flashback to a Navy ship, where an enormous sailor hopped up on methamphetamine is going berserk.]
Tony: You hit him high, I'll hit him low!
McGee: I don't like the sound of that...
Tony: You hit him low, I'll hit him high!
[They tackle the sailor.]
Tony: (v.o.) Our team consisted of a gang of four. My partner is Tim McGee: small muscles, big brain, heart of a lion. Together we're virtually unstoppable... virtually.
McGee: I got him... Tony, he's going for the knife!
[The sailor raises the knife, Gibbs appears and throws him to the ground, applying a choke hold with his boot that knocks the sailor out.]
Tony: (v.o.) Our team leader is the fearless Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs. Former Gunnery Sergeant, Marine sniper, coffee afficianado, and functional mute.
McGee: (panting) Piece of cake.
Tony: (panting) Yep, easy as pie.

[After McGee's initial refusal to fix Tony's home computer for free.]
Tony: Come on, computers are your thing! If I had a thing I'd want to show it off.
Gibbs: There are rules against that, DiNozzo.

[Tony and McGee are driving through the Somali desert in a Jeep, in the middle of a sandstorm]
McGee: (speaking loudly) Thanks for volunteering me.
Tony: C'mon. You said you always wanted to travel.
McGee: On my own time.
Tony: On your own dime? Are you crazy, you could never afford this!

[During Tony's summary of his life after being told Ziva had died in a shipwreck.]
Gibbs: Some idiot smuggled a koala on board a submarine. Grab your gear.

Saleem Ulman: [leads a hooded figured into the interrogation room, sitting them in a chair] Questions are being asked in town about missing NCIS agents. I am concerned that US forces might be mobilized. One of you will tell me the identities and locations of the operatives in the area, and the other will die. [removes hood, revealing Ziva] I will give you a moment to decide who lives. [leaves the room]
Tony: [smiles painfully at Ziva] So... how was your summer?

Ziva: Out of everyone in the world who could have found me, it had to be you?
Tony: [nods] You're welcome. So, are you glad to see me?
Ziva: You should not have come.
Tony: All right, then. Good catching up. I'll be going now. [tries to stand, but is chained to the chair] Oh, yeah, I forgot. [chuckles] Taken prisoner!
Ziva: Are you all right, McGee?
McGee: I'm just glad you're alive.
Ziva: You thought I was dead?
Tony: Oh, yeah.
Ziva: Then why are you here?
Tony: McGee -- McGee didn't think you were dead.
Ziva: Tony! Why are you here?
Tony: [painful pause as Tony tries fight the truth serum] Couldn't live without you, I guess.
Ziva: So you will die with me. You should have left me alone.
Tony: Okay. Tried, couldn't. Listen, you should know I've taken some kind of truth serum, so if there's any questions you don't know the answer to --
Ziva: I did not ask for anyone to put themselves in harm's way for me. I do not deserve it.
Tony: Is that what you're doing out here? Some kind of monastic experience? Penance?
Ziva: It is justified.
Tony: Get over yourself.
Ziva: I have.

Ulman:[while he is holding a knife to Ziva's throat] I don't make bargains.
Tony: Do you make pizza?

Tony: There's something I haven't told you, yet.
Ulman: What is that?
Tony: I've told you about the brains. I've told you about the guts. I've told you about the muscle. The scientist, the politician, the leader. I told you about every member of the team, except myself. The part I play.
Ulman: Which is?
Tony: I'm the wildcard. I'm the guy who looks at the reality in front of him and refuses to accept it. Like right now I should be terrified, right, but I'm not. Because I just can't stop thinking about the movie True Lies. You know, where Arnie's strapped to the chair and shot full of truth serum. He picks his cuffs and kills everybody. You have thirty seconds to live, Saleem.
Ulman: [sneers] You're still bound. You're lying.
Tony: I can't lie. And I didn't say I was going to be the one to kill you. Remember when I told you my boss was a sniper?
[Ulman looks to the window in horror; a shot rings out and he falls to the floor, clearly dead. Crash zoom through the cell window to a sand dune hundreds of yards away, atop of which lies Gibbs in full camo with his sniper rifle.]
Gibbs: [into radio] Go.

[After he, Gibbs, and McGee, by themselves, rescue Ziva from a terrorist base in Somalia.]
Tony: Just your typical day at the office.

Reunion [7.02][edit]

[Tony is at McGee's desk talking]
Tony: [looks to Ziva's old desk] Twenty bucks says that chair is gonna be empty by the end of next month.
Agent Fillmore: Hate to disappoint you. [slams papers onto McGee's desk] My letter of resignation.
[Tony and McGee look at the letter and stare at her]
McGee: That's..uh..very long.
Fillmore: I had a hard time choosing the right adjectives. I couldn't decide between childish, juvenile and just plain old annoying. [glares at Tony]
[Tony looks at McGee]
McGee: [smiles at Tony] That's true!
Fillmore: [to McGee] And you! You know better but you're so busy playing the faceable sidekick you're just going along for the ride. Well, I've had enough! Make sure that Agent Gibbs gets that!
[Tony and McGee look on in shock]
Tony: Annoying!
McGee: Sidekick!

Tony: You missed a shot there sidekick.
McGee: I'm not your sidekick, Tony.
Tony: And yet, you are.
McGee: No I am not because you're not the boss.
Tony: When Gibbs isn't here I'm the boss.
Gibbs: [walks in] Gibbs is here.

Tony: Taking the tour?
Ziva: I have my first psych evaluation.
Tony: Oh, yeah. I always loved those.
Ziva: I'm sure. You get to talk about yourself the entire time. [Tony laughs] I'm sorry, that --
Tony: No, no, no. That's okay. No one's ever accused you of having tact. [Ziva looks away] Sorry.

McGee: Tony let's go. Follow me.
Tony: Ha! You follow me. Don't fight your inner sidekick McGee.

[Tony and McGee are interviewing a victim's colleague about an employee]
Man: She could sell sand to a Bedouin and then bore him to death about her latest crush.

Ziva: Hello, Abby.
Abby: [turns off her music] What the hell is wrong with you?! How could you have doubted Tony after everything you've been through together? Do you really think that Tony killed Rivkin because he was jealous?!
Ziva: Abby, please calm-
Abby: You weren't thinking, that's what! You weren't thinking! [begins pacing] Although I suppose I could understand your initial reaction. You were at an emotional time for you and for people to act rationally. [stops] But to tell Gibbs that you didn't trust Tony?! [paces] Which I guess I could also understand, because I guess he did just shoot your boyfriend... in your living room... to death. All right, I'll give you that one. [stops] But this is Tony we're talking about here! All soft and goofy on the outside and 100% rock on the inside! And after everything you accused him of, he risked his life to go save you! You should be ashamed of yourself! [paces] Even though in hindsight it is starting to make a little bit more sense now. [stops] But either way, the ball is in your court! It is Tony one and Ziva zilch! This is your move, and it had better be a good one...! Oh, God. I was so worried about you. [hugs Ziva]
Ziva: I know.
[Abby remotely activates a welcome home banner with streamers, causing Ziva to smile.]

Ziva: When you shot Michael I almost killed you where you stood.
Tony: I wasn't standing.
Ziva: No, you weren't. You were lying on the ground, without adequate backup, completely violating protocol.
Tony: And double parked.
Ziva: Yes, I noticed. But that does not matter. Just like it does not matter how it worked out for Michael.
Tony: So what does?
Ziva: That you had my back. That you have always had my back. And that I was wrong to question your motives.
Tony: So why did you?
Ziva: I trusted my brother Ari. I trusted Michael. I could not afford to trust you.
Tony: I thought you weren't sure what to say?
Ziva: I guess I had a long time to think about things.
Tony: I'm sorry, Ziva.
Ziva: No. It is I who am sorry. [kisses Tony on the cheek]

Tony: Think McSidekick! Use the leading man. Harness those powers.

Elaina: You haven't arrested me. Means you don't have any proof.
Tony: [points to McGee] McProof!
McGee: Fake suicide note we found on Shelly's computer. We traced the worm that planted that back to your laptop.
Tony: Proves you killed Jurel, his buddies and Shelly.
Gibbs: Uh-oh. You know what that means...
Tony & McGee: [smile at Elaina] You're under arrest!

Ziva: We need to talk.
Gibbs: Sit down.
Ziva: When I came to see you and said I wanted back, you said it was the director's call, but I sensed your hesitation. I sense it now, even though I thought I made myself clear. I understand what you did in Israel --
Gibbs: Your brother Ari.
Ziva: You know what happened that night. I was here.
Gibbs: I want to hear it from you. You had orders to kill your brother to earn my trust.
Ziva: Yes.
Gibbs: That's a problem.
Ziva: You don't understand.
Gibbs: You're damn right I don't understand!
Ziva: When I volunteered for that mission --
Gibbs: You killed your own brother, Ziva!
Ziva: It is because I hoped my father was wrong about Ari, and I did not want someone else blindly following orders! I volunteered to protect him, Gibbs!
Gibbs: You lied to me.
Ziva: No, when I told you Ari was innocent, I believed it! But yes, I would have lied to you. He was my brother and you were nothing. But I was wrong about Ari and you. When I pulled the trigger to save your life, I was not following orders. I mean, how could you even think -- he was my brother. And now he is gone, Eli is all but dead to me... [fighting tears] And the closest thing I have to a father is accusing me.
Gibbs: ...Okay.

The Inside Man [7.03][edit]

Tony: You failed your polygraph! That's not good.
McGee: No, I didn't fail it. They said I have to take it again.
Tony: Why would you have to take it again? Don't ask, don't tell. You didn't make the mistake of coming out, did you?
McGee: I don't have anything to come out about.
Tony: Stick to that story, McQueen.

Ziva: That is total salami!
Tony: Baloney.

Abby: I only take orders from one person: Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs. Unless he asks me to do it, it doesn't get done!
Sportelli: I think that's going to change, honey!
Abby: Gibbs! Make this awful man go away!

McGee: Is that pastrami?
Tony: [nods] Mm-hmm.
McGee: Can I have a bite?
Tony: Nuh-uh. This is my dinner. You can have the pickle.
McGee: I don't like pickles.
Tony: I know.
McGee: I hope you choke on that sandwich.

Ziva: Being stuck at that desk has given me a lot of time to think. Being a visitor here is wrong.
Gibbs: What does that mean, Ziva?
Ziva: I need your signature on this. I want to be an NCIS agent.
Gibbs: I don't even know if that's possible. You would have to resign from Mossad.
Ziva: Already have. Sent my father an email.
Gibbs: Hmm. Now what's he think about that?
Ziva: It does not matter.

Good Cop, Bad Cop [7.04][edit]

Ziva: You cannot even work your email properly! You always reply to all. It drives me absolutely nuts! You know, when it comes to computers, you are almost as incompetent as Gi -- [looks around the room quickly]
Tony: [chuckles] You thought Gibbs was behind you. You know why? Because sneaky people expect sneakiness. It's a vicious circle.

Ziva: You cannot trust a man whose loyalty has a price.

Ziva: Are you following orders?
Gibbs: Your father, Ziva. He's not a good guy. He's dirty.
Ziva: You cannot say no to him. Not a second time.
Gibbs: [to Ben-Gidon] Go! Get out of here! Run! You tell Eli David to stay away. She is off limits!
Ben-Gidon: I failed you, Ziva. I am sorry.
Ziva: Never apologize. It is a sign of weakness.

Gibbs: [hands Ziva a letter indicating that she is now an NCIS agent] Get to work, probie.

Code of Conduct [7.05][edit]

Neighborhood kid: Korby was awesome. He came up with new practical jokes every Halloween. Nothing dangerous. I mean, no razor blades. He'd freeze all kinds of stuff, blow things up. It was funny.
Ted Rogers: And illegal!
Ziva: And you are?
Ted: Ted Rogers. I live across the street. First he drove us crazy with his pranks, now he dies in his driveway!
Tony: Well, it sounds like you've got a problem in your neighborhood, Mr. Rogers. That's a nice sweater, by the way.

McGee: Look at this. [watching video of teenagers T-Ping a tree] Two ply, double roll, top tuck with a thirty foot vertical climb. This kid has got an arm! Perfect drapage and good trunk to top ratio. It's very impressive.
Ziva: I do not understand the humor or the art.
McGee: It's a cultural thing. Tony would tell you.

Mr. Rogers: [after Ziva knocks on his door] There's no candy here!
Ziva: NCIS! We don't want any candy!
Tony: Speak for yourself, David. Open up or we'll send the kids in!

Abby: This guy was a genius! He chronicled all his exploits on his phone. It's like a master's course! Six hundred pizzas delivered to the battalion CP. He reassembled a Humvee inside the officer's club. If only I had the appropriate time and space to use the bounty of ideas in front of me.
Gibbs: The case, Abbs. The case.

Ziva: [walks to Tony's desk, holding a coffee cup] You know, Tony, I have been thinking, and I would like to acknowledge my place as a new agent and your place as-
Tony: Your superior in every way.
Ziva: [takes a deep breath] Yes. But for my sanity, could you not call me probie?
Tony: I say it with love.
[Long pause.]
Tony: And if I refuse?
Ziva: You are senior field agent and I am entirely at your mercy.
Tony: As you should be!
[He accepts the coffee and sips, looking surprised.]
Tony: Mmm! Mmm-.mm!
[He chuckles appreciatively, while Ziva looks very pleased at how much he likes it... until he grins, showing his teeth have been stained blue.]

Outlaws and In-Laws [7.06][edit]

Tony: Are you studying to become a naturalized American citizen?
Ziva: I have to if I want to become an agent.
McGee: Good for you, Ziva.
Tony: Who says we want her as an American?
Ziva: Who says you have a say?
Tony: A little thing called the Constitution!
Ziva: [sarcastically] Really? Where?
Tony: It's in there, and it talks about dangerous foreign aliens stealing our precious bodily fluids.
McGee: That's Dr. Strangelove.

Tony: That's --
Abby: Uh-huh!
McGee: It's no longer in --
Abby: Nuh-uh!
Ziva: This is Gibbs' boat.
Abby: This is the crime scene! It was flown here on a C130 cargo plane along with two bodies and all the evidence, and now it is mine. It is all mine! So I can figure out the mystery!
McGee: What mystery? Who the dead guys were?
Ziva: Or who killed them.
Tony: Or how they ended up on the boat.
Abby: Sure, you guys should work on that! While I figure out how he got it out of the basement!

Tony: [walks into Gibbs' house] Hello?
Franks: [pointing a gun at Tony's head] DiNozzo! You should have told me you were coming!
Tony: I called and you didn't pick up.
Franks: I'm not going to answer the phone! I'm a fugitive!
Tony: So what do you want me to do?!
Franks: Knock!
Tony: Why would I knock? There's no lock on that door!
Franks: Someone may be on the other side with a gun??
Tony: Why would someone be standing on the other side with a gun?!
Franks: Because there's no lock on the door!

Tony: I'll just stand here with my gun.

Tony: [on the phone] I can't hear you, McGee. I'm in the basement.
McGee: Why?
Tony: Because I don't want to talk about the case in front of Leila and the kid.
Abby: Listen, Tony, this is really important. I need you to check the seams of the walls.
Tony: The walls?
Abby: Well do they appear to be removeable?
Tony: Huh.
McGee: Abby.
Abby: Or a tunnel, maybe?! It could be hidden under something on the floor. Something that looks like it doesn't belong.
Tony: Actually, I think Colonel Hogan has got a radio in the coffee pot, but the tunnel might have been filled in.

[Tony moves toward a sleeping Ziva with a Magic Marker.]
Ziva: Touch me and die.

Endgame [7.07][edit]

Ziva: Those are none of your business, those belong to McGee.
Tony: They're funny.
Ziva: They're private.
Tony: They're self-help CD's McLonely-hearts ordered...um, download your destiny. Three easy payments of $19.95 each satisfaction guaranteed or your money back.
Ziva: Maybe McGee's already satisfied.
Tony: Well maybe there's an easter bunny too.
Ziva: Tony...
Voice: Anyone can achieve their fullest potential. Who we are might be predetermined, but the path we follow is always of our [Tony laughs]
Ziva: Oh my god, turn that off!
Tony: I love this guy! Sort of a poor man Shatner.
Voice: We should never allow our fears or the exceptions of others to set the frontiers of our [Ziva shuts it off]
Ziva: I've heard enough maybe your the one who needs the self-help.
Tony: Well, see that's where your wrong Ziva. I'm already enlightened.

Tony: Well, you're off on your own, Ziva. I'm already enlightened. I know exactly where I am. It may not be pretty, but I am DiNozzo. Hear me roar.
Ziva: Like an elephant.

McGee: Lee Wuan Kai: North Korean assassin, one time fanatical nationalist, credited with 27 targeted hits in seven countries, dozens more by association --
Tony: She likes quiet walks on the beach, laughing with friends and playing Frisbee with her Cocker spaniel Ruphus.
Ziva: [snatches the paper away] It does not say that.
Tony: Well it might as well. Look at those come hither eyes, those perfect kiss me now lips. No wonder Vance is obsessed. Kai's killing me and I'm just looking at her. You and Kai are probably a lot more alike than you think.
Ziva: I do not follow.
Tony: Really? A couple of pretty ladies, both trained assassins.
Ziva: You annoy me sometimes.
Tony: Sometimes?
Ziva: Most of the time!
Tony: Well something must of happened between Kai and Vance. Seriously director shows up at a crime scene that's not kosher.

Tony: It's in your blood isn't it.
Ziva: What is?
Tony: You're thinking of how your gonna get him. Maybe some intense mind games followed by sheer force [Locks the women door] Go for the the jugular or the slow kill your a dangerous woman.
Ziva: Who am I getting Agent Dunham
Tony: Why would you want Dunham thought we were talking about Pak Su Ji
Ziva: Dunham is from Texas. I like Texas what is that saying anyway umm, he cleans up nice.
Tony: Not that nice I thought he was kinda creepy.
Ziva: Oh, come on stop being such a big brother he's a field agent a nomad I've had enough of that in my life I came to settle down, to make a home for myself; the last thing I need is a Chad Dunham.
Tony: Mmm
Ziva: However.
Tony: What?

[Ziva laughs then they both laugh]

Ziva: Well to answer your question how would I get him brut force is intriguing.
Tony: Who are we talking about right now Pack Su Ji or the Texas Longhorn.

[Tony laughs]


McGee: Heck of a day isn't it.
Tony: You went home.
McGee: Yeah, just for an hour.
Tony: I've been talking to agents all night doing recon and you went home and got your game on with little sexy miss text message, Ziva look at him.
Ziva: What are you talking about?
Tony: He's using a husky caveman-esque primitive satisfaction like Heston in Planet of the Apes and it didn't matter that that world was ruled by orang-utans because Heston went straight for the mute chick in the loin-cloth, you pulled a Heston. Didn't you?
McGee: I don't know about that. It was only for a few minutes.
Tony: Yeah sometimes that's all it takes in my middle aged world.
Ziva: [LAUGHS] You are so jealous.
Tony: Yes I am and there's nothing wrong with that I'm proud of Tim, very proud of you did you take pictures
McGee: Please.
Ziva: Well I'm excited to meet her make sure she's good enough for you.

McGee: [knocks] Ms. DeMarco, NCIS. We need to speak with you.
Tony: Ms. DeMarco, open up. We want to talk to you. [sounds of a shotgun being pumped causes Tony and McGee to take cover, then a shot is fired through the door] Federal agents! Drop it!
DeMarco: Did that piece of filth Serro send you?! Because I've got a message for him! You can tell him -- [peeks out the door] -- did you say federal agents?
Tony: Yes, federal agents!
McGee: Serro's dead! Put the weapon down!
DeMarco: Okay. [puts gun on the ground]
Tony: Hands in the air!
DeMarco: Okay. Sorry.
Tony: Who do you think you are, Sarah Palin?!

Abby: What are you hiding? [Gibbs pulls a Caf-Pow! from behind his back] Oh, no! It's too late, I can't! [pulls a NoCaf-Pow! from behind his back] Gibbs, you are an enabler and I love you for it!

McGee: [voiceover] Anyone can achieve their fullest potential. Who we are might be predetermined, but the path we follow is always of our own choosing. We should never allow our fears or the expectations of others to set the frontiers of our destiny. Your destiny can't be changed, but it can be challenged. Every man is born as many men and dies as a single one.

Tony: He was Kai-jacked!
McGee: Did you just say that?
Tony: I regret it already.

Power Down [7.08][edit]

McGee: Do you see this? Nine hours, 21 minutes! [shoves his watch in Ziva's face]
Ziva: Has it been that long? [takes the watch away and breaks it]
McGee: Why did you do that??
Ziva: (sarcastic) Because it was either you or the watch!
McGee: It's just, what's taking so long, you know?
Ziva: Look, I'm sure we're not the only ones that need to be rescued. Plus, things could be a lot worse.
McGee: Yeah, how's that?
Ziva: We could be stuck here with Tony.
Tony: [from outside the elevator] I heard that! I find it very interesting that the two of you left together late last night!
Ziva: Just ignore him. He's like an annoying bug. Eventually he'll just go away.
McGee: Ziva, it's been five years. Trust me, he's not going anywhere.

Gibbs: What've you got?
Abby: A better question is what have you not got Abbs, and the better answer would be a Caf-Pow! I'm trying to make my own here, but I'm missing like 400 ingredients.
Gibbs: Are you all right?
Abby: No, I'm not okay! I'm not going to be okay until the power comes back on and I can run diagnostics on one of my babies. These aren't like light bulbs, Gibbs. You can't turn them on and off, and they're complex pieces of machinery that requires precise shutdown sequences. I don't understand! I mean, why does autopsy get backup power and I don't? I mean, MTAC, I get that, but what does Ducky have that I don't have?
Gibbs: Corpses. (he walks out the room as she starts saying)
Abby: I'll get some corpses! (then she realises that he has walked off and then her CD Player switches off due to low battery) NO!!! (she frowns at MTAC above her)

Abby: I finally IDed the tire tracks to the SwiftCast getaway car. I got the make and model. It only took me 72 times longer than it usually does. How did people survive before there was pattern recognizing sparse representation algorithms?

[The team's search leads them to a storage container, which they find being used as an office crammed full of technology, supplies, and weapons]
McGee: [looking around the container] Wow. This is like the TARDIS.
Tony: Tard-what?
McGee: It's the contraption that Doctor Who travels through time in. Never mind.
Tony: Doctor Who? Who watches that?
Abby: Latent fingerprints from our perp in the park?
McGee: Check!
Abby: Fingerprint cards from Metro PD?
Tony: Check! Now careful because I put them in order so we...(stops as Abby tips them all over the floor)
Abby: (sounding rather impatient as if she has been waiting all day) Lemons?
McGee: (squinting in confusion) Did she say lemons?
Tony: (thinking something rude as usual) I hope not! (Abby lookes peeved and McGee looks even more confused then Tony holds up his bandaged finger) Papercut!
Abby: (she puts her hands on her hips in defiance) Well we can't start without the lemons!
Ziva: (runs in shouting) LEMONS! Check! (pauses catching her breath) Although I do not know what for!
Abby: (drops them behind her CD Player)
Tony: (watching intently) Ooh! Are we making cocktails?
McGee: Now I'm the one flashing back to the fourth grade! Mrs. Johnston's science class!
Abby: (heats the lemons then plugs her CD Player into the skin)
Tony: (as Abby puts the ends of her CD Player into the whole lemons Tony says faking his confusion) Oh, Lemons! How did I miss that?

Child's Play [7.09][edit]

Ziva: You're not taking the elevator?
McGee: Nope. Took the stairs. It's all about the cardio these days.
Tony: You have been looking increasingly Kate Mossius there McTim. Where are you down? Two? Three pounds?
McGee: Fifteen pounds actually. Thank you for noticing.

Ziva: Are you letting some blond bombshell baste your bird Tony?
Tony: No, this bird is flying solo to a poker tournament at the Big Bend Indian Casino. They've got an all-you-can-eat crab buffet.
McGee: Pilgrims and Indians gambling together. That warms the heart.
Ziva: [to Ducky] What about your mother?
Ducky: Mother is comfortable, thank you. Staff take good care of her. Oh dear, she barely recognizes me when I visit. Well then. That leaves me with a twenty-pound bird and enough trimmings to feed Cox's Army.

Tony: Baby, I'm amazed. A maze of maize.
Ziva: What?!
Tony: Maize. It's the Indian word for corn.
Ziva: The Indian word for corn is maki.
Tony: Not Indians from India! Indians from, you know, here!
Ziva: Well if they were Indians from here then we would be called American Indians, you dork.
Tony: [laughs] They'd be called Native Americans, Miss Citizenship Test.

Gibbs: DiNozzo, you're with me.
Tony: Satler Institute? Boss, shouldn't McSmarty Pants go to the nerd theme park?!

Abby: What can I do for you, Gibblet? Sorry, kind of a seasonal play on your -- I'm ready, sir.
Gibbs: [hands over a phone] Turn this into pictures.
Abby: I thought you were going to give me something hard! So, what are you bringing to Ducky's dinner?
Gibbs: Not sure I'm going.
Abby: What do you mean you're not going?! Who's going to carve the turkey? Who's going to watch the game with me? Who's going to eat too much pie?!

[Tony is staring at cryptic artwork]
Tony: [blinks] Maybe if I try to unfocus...
Gibbs: [slaps Tony in the head] Focus, DiNozzo!
Tony: [continues staring at picture] That's it Boss! Out of focus. It's dolphins! In moonlight! [turns to Gibbs] Thank you Boss!
Gibbs: Anytime. [to McGee] McGee! [McGee is startled] Any time?

Krista Dalton: We sold battle scenarios to game designers in China! They paid a lot.
Ziva: You and your sister Debra?
Krista: Yes. Debra made contacts through her trips to Asia for her firm.
Gibbs: C Ten Dynamics?
Krista: We took some of the money, Debra and I, the rest we gave to families! Stattler made a ton of money off those kids, never gave anything back! It was old information! Useless!
Ziva: Frequency jamming signals.
Krista: For Balistic Winter. That system was being phased out.
Gibbs: It's still classified.
Krista: Technically, but --
Ziva: Which makes it technically treason.

Gibbs: Let her go.
Gregg Norvell: [sees Gibbs, Ziva and Tony with their pistols pointed at him] Back off! I'll kill her!
Gibbs: Angela, look at me.
Norvell: Move back! Now!
Gibbs: Ziva?
Ziva: Got it.
Norvell: She'll miss.
Gibbs: What's the probability of that?
Angela Kelp: Based on the temperature and humidity, no wind, half moon, good light, 97.6%.
Gibbs: Last chance, Norvell.
Norvell: Move or I'll do it.
Gibbs: [to Ziva] Take it. (She does - and gets the head shot she was aiming for)

Ducky: A toast! Close friends and dear family all. A bountiful thanks and good things for Fall!
Abby: And to all a good night! [pause] Wrong holiday.

Faith [7.10][edit]

McGee: It's freezing this morning.
Tony: Man up, chilly willy. Feel that warm blood coursing through your veins. Get in touch with your inner McGrizzly Adams.
McGee: Well I've got hand warmers.
Tony: Give me one.
McGee: No.
Ziva: I'm not cold at all.
Tony: You're coldblooded David, like a lady Komodo dragon; ice queen, frigid and deadly.
Ziva: And I remembered to wear my thermal underwear.
Tony: I'll give you fifty bucks for it right now.
Ziva: It wouldn't fit. You're too big.
Tony: [desperately] It'll stretch. Turn 'em over.

Tony: Fruit of the month might be good. Maybe a foot massager.
McGee: Tony, I never pegged you as a catalog shopper.
Tony: Well, that's because I'm not, tiny Tim, but desperate times call for desperate measures. I took these from my neighbor's doorstep.
Ziva: You stole them?
Tony: The doorstep is considered a common area. I would never steal mail, that's a federal offense. Oh! Hold the phone Malone! A little bit of lingerie! Nice! What do you get for the shrew who has everything?
Ziva: Is this for the Secret Santa?
Tony: How did I end up with Dolores Brahmstead from Human Resources? She's a miserable grinch of a woman.
McGee: I can't argue with you there. I once wished her a Happy Valentine's Day and she claimed sexual harassment.
Tony: Have you ever seen her smile?
McGee: [sarcastically] No.
Ziva: Stop it both of you! She is a single, middle aged, lonely woman. Have some compassion!
Tony: It must be tough, living up there on Mount Crumpet. Scheming to take Christmas away from poor Cindy Loo Who.

[Gibbs' father Jackson is passing around chocolates to the team]
Ziva: These chocolates are delicious!
Gibbs: Hey, dad. Stop making my team fat.
Ziva: Gibbs, why didn't you tell us your father was coming?
Gibbs: I didn't think he'd actually show. [Tony takes chocolate from box] Go ahead, have another one, bubble butt. [Ziva and McGee laugh]
Tony: It's my metabolism slowing with age. It's nothing a post-holiday cleanse won't cure.

Ziva: So this is where a redthroat would hang out after being overseas for months.
Tony: It's not redthroat, it's redneck.
Ziva: Oh.
Tony: And I think we've found the entire cast of Hee Haw.
Ziva: Over there. That's him.
Tony: With his brother Daryl and his other brother Daryl?

Tony: Boss, I've been running bank records on each Marine in Ellis' unit. So far only two Marines, including First Sergeant Tibbins, accepted a bribe: four grand a piece.
Gibbs: Ho, ho, ho. Merry Christmas.
Ziva: All the money was drawn from the same overseas account and deposited around the same time.
Gibbs: It's a dummy corp.
Tony: Interpol's checking into it.
Gibbs: Tell them to check faster.
Tony: You do it. Not you, boss. You! I mean, how many languages do you speak, anyway?
Ziva: Including the language of love, ten.

[Abby is going off topic]
Tony, Ziva & Gibbs: Abby!
Abby: I feel like Scrooge being visited by the Three Grumpy Ghosts.

Tony: [to Ziva] Where's your generous holiday spirit, Probette?
Ziva: Bah humbug!

Ignition [7.11][edit]

McGee: The August 1928 issue of Amazing Stories first stirred the national imagination. It featured the Skylark of Space on the cover, and then you've got Buck Rogers.
Abby: What's really amazing is how much more fascinating jet-pack trivia gets the eleventh time you've heard it.

Ziva: Slow drivers.
Tony: Bad drivers.
Ziva: What is so hard? You go as fast as possible, when something gets in your way, you turn.
Tony: You're quoting Better Off Dead. I told you to watch that.

Tony: It's a remote control receiver?
McGee: Yes, it is.
Ziva: What is the range?
McGee: Almost a kilometer.
Tony: I don't speak Canadian. How far is that?

Flesh and Blood [7.12][edit]

Tony: I've heard the saying "he got blown out of his shoes", but I never thought I'd see it.
Ducky: Now if the explosion had knocked his socks off, that would be impressive, wouldn't it?

Tony: I get it. It must have been tough. Your wife dies and you're left with an eight year old kid, but your solution, Dad, was to warehouse me in boarding schools and summer camps, and half the time I never knew where you were or what you were doing. I needed a closer relationship.
DiNozzo, Sr.: You forget, we took some great vacations together.
Tony: Like the trip to Maui where you left me in a hotel room for two days and I was twelve years old?!

Ziva: Okay, so how many amendments to the Constitution?
Gibbs: The Bill of Rights is the first ten, prohibition is eighteen. I'm guessing twenty-three.
Ziva: Twenty-seven!
Gibbs: Nobody likes a smartass, David.
Ziva: Why do I have to study all this and you don't?!
Gibbs: I was born here!

Tony: It's not as bad as it looks. It's actually an ancient form of meditation, it's a good thing.
Prince Sayed: Agent Gibbs, have you had breakfast?
Gibbs: (takes Tony's hat) Party's over. (hits Tony on the head with the hat several times)
Tony: Ow, ow,ow,ow,ow!
Gibbs: Explain!

DiNozzo, Sr.: What's on your mind?
Gibbs: Your son.
DiNozzo, Sr.: What's junior done now?
Gibbs: Tony likes to hide behind the face of a clown, but he's the best young agent I've ever worked with.
DiNozzo, Sr.: Well, I'm glad to hear that.
Gibbs: When was the last time you talked to him? I mean really talked to him.
DiNozzo, Sr.: We keep in touch.
Gibbs: Four years ago your son came very close to dying from pneumonic plague. I expected to see you. You didn't show then. Why are you here now?
DiNozzo, Sr.: He never told me he was sick.
Gibbs: Oh, so you don't keep in touch.
DiNozzo, Sr.: What's your point?
Gibbs: Tony inherited his personality from you, but I get the feeling there's a lot about your life you don't share.

Tony: I have to break one of your rules, boss. Number six: never say you're sorry. I let things get out of control in the hotel room.
Gibbs: Ah, it's covered. Rule eighteen.
Tony: Oh, yeah. It's better to seek forgiveness than ask permission. Am I forgiven?
Gibbs: No. You've been distracted by your father.
Tony: It's that obvious?

Jetlag [7.13][edit]

Tony: I just sort of feel like you can use negative space to push the image, you know? It's sort of like a geometrical thing with the light coming across. I was trying to use these geometric lines and spacing. Sometimes I think maybe I should have done something more creative with my life.
Nora Williams: No, I think you're in the right profession.
Tony: All right, Annie Leibowitz, what's wrong with my pictures?
Nora: Well, they're sort of soulless. Analytical. They look like postcards or --
Ziva: Crime scene photos.
Nora: You just need people in them. happy people-
Ziva: living people.

[Tony is video-conferencing with Ducky about a dead victim]
Tony: Oh no. My memory card's full. I have to delete some of my photos from Paris.
Ducky: [via webcam] If have any of that pyramid from outside the Louvre, delete them. That glass monstrosity is an offence to good taste.

Ziva: A team of Homeland Security officers will be waiting for us when we land. Outside the terminal an NCIS detail will take over.
Marshall Neeley: Not taking any chances in case your new hitman tries something on the ground, huh?
Ziva: Which is why we must consider the possibility they may try something on the plane, where Nora is more vulnerable.
Neeley: You have reason to believe they're on board?
Ziva: Stationary target. Closed quarters.
Neeley: A modern day Orient Express.
Ziva: The killer would just need an inconspicuous weapon.
Neeley: Like what? Listen, I've been doing this for a long while and I doubt that there's anything --
Ziva: Headphone cables make for a perfect garrote, and plastic silverware is not as safe as you might think. I once killed a man using a credit card.

Nora: You are so direct. So honest. So different from him.
Ziva: Tony and I have different approaches.
Nora: You're complimentary. You're sure you two never --
Ziva: No. Positive. Definitely no. Why do you keep on asking about Tony and I?
Nora: You're like me and Daniel. A good fit. Besides, Paris is a romantic city and you two shared a room, so I --
Ziva: I took the couch. Otherwise Tony would have whined the entire flight about his back. [smiles]
...
McGee: Hey, in Paris, who got stuck with the couch?
Tony: Me. We flipped a coin.
McGee: Tough break. (walks away)
Ziva: Why did you just lie to McGee?
Tony: Why did you lie to Nora?

Tony: Nora was right. I found my favorite picture, and it's the only one with someone in it.
Ziva: [looks down at the picture and smiles, almost blushing]
Tony: Very french new wave, don't you think?
Ziva: Maybe. I think it would look better in black and white.

Tony: Boy, McGee. When you blow it, you blow it big.

Masquerade [7.14][edit]

Tony: First the plague, now radiation poisoning. I'm starting to think someone really has it in for me.
McGee: I was there, too, near the car, you know.
Ziva: We all were.
McGee: But don't let that stop you from thinking about yourself.
Tony: This isn't about me! It's about my little DiNozzo makers! They've been nuked!
McGee: I know!
Tony: Do you?! I mean, sure, Tim, your kids are going to be smart, [Ziva rolls her eyes and walks away] but mine have a shot at being really beautiful.

Ziva: What is that?
Tony: It's a Geiger counter. You can't be too careful.
Ziva: What do you think Corporal Vega was doing at an empty warehouse?
Tony: I don't know. Why don't you pick the lock and find out?
Ziva: We do not have a warrant.
Tony: This building is foreclosed, which means it's owned by the bank, and since the people own the banks I think technically we own the building.
Ziva: Wow.

Gibbs: McGee, you're with me.
McGee: Where we going?
Gibbs: To go look for the bomb.
Tony: Don't make me say it, McGee.
McGee: We'll be careful, Tony.

Jack Knife [7.15][edit]

Gibbs: Get Ziva and DiNozzo out of bed.
McGee: What?!
Gibbs: Wake 'em up.
McGee: Oh. Oh, right. Get them out of bed because it's the middle of the night and they're asleep.
Gibbs: [looks at McGee like he's gone mad] Yes.
McGee: Individual beds. Get them out of individual beds. I was confused. I thought we were talking --
Gibbs: Need some sleep yourself, do you, McGee?

[Gibbs is at Fornell's doorstep early in the morning. Fornell, who has grown a beard, answers the door and is still in his bathrobe.]
Gibbs: What happened to your face?
Fornell: What happened to your arm?
Gibbs: The job.
Fornell: Same.
[Gibbs smiles hands him a cup of coffee]

Tony: [He is inside the van] Last one to use the van should have to clean it out. Should be a rule.
Ziva: There is.
Tony: Well, who was the last one to use it?
Ziva: You were.
Tony: [Laughs] I don't think so, 'cause it smells like falafels and I know a certain back-up probie agent that smells a little falafely. You wanna' help?
Ziva: Sure.
Tony: Thank you.
Ziva: [Kicks the trash can over to Tony and walks over to Damon Werth]
Damon Werth: Probie?
Ziva: Yeah, I'm in the process of becoming a sworn NCIS agent.
Damon Werth: Don't you have to be an American citizen to join a federal agency?
Ziva: I'm also in the process of becoming an American citizen.
Damon Werth: And I thought you had to be a legal resident for, you know...
Ziva: [Interrupting] There are a few strings being tugged.
Tony: Pulled. Pull strings.
Damon Werth: Tug heart strings.
Ziva: The heart has strings?
Damon Werth: According to poets.
Tony: Don't confuse the girl. Taken a lot of marionetting to get her this far.
Damon Werth: And who's the puppet master?

Ziva: Where are we going?
Zwede: Not far.
Ziva: And, uh, what are we taking? What's in the truck?
Tony: [In a car outside with McGee, wired in] What's in the truck?
McGee: What is in the truck?
Zwede: [Opens truck slowly, everyone is waiting on edge]
Ziva: [After seeing the watermelon crates, sounding incredulous] Melons?
Tony: Did she say melons?
McGee: Melons in the truck.
Tony: Melons...
McGee: What are in these melons?

Szwed: All right. She's a triple digit ride, big old pumpkins in there, but don't get tempted. We gotta get on the big slab and you stay to the granny lane and you keep it under the double nickel, even while you're runnin' deadhead. And bird dog on the dash so you don't get shot in the back by bears, you got it?
Werth: 10-4.
Szwed: All right, lets roll!
Werth: Hey, we gotta pit stop. [Zwed turns around and looks at Werth]
Werth: Three quarters of a tank... I don't like to take chances.
Lucas: GPS tracking puts them in Front Royal in a few hours.
Szwed: Let's make it quick.
Ziva: Umm, what language was that?
Werth: He says she's fast, but not to push her, even when we're drivin' empty. And to uh, watch out for cops.
Ziva: So the truck is a she?
Werth: Let's go rob someone.

[Gibbs and Fornell are in autopsy with Ducky]
Ducky: A mutual saving of a life is a powerful bond. [chuckles and points to Gibbs and Fornell] As evidenced by the two of you.
Fornell: [to Gibbs] Oh, is that why we're friends?
Gibbs: It's more like shared misery.
Fornell: God knows you've got enough to go around.
Gibbs: Hey! I'm a happy guy.
Fornell: Since when?
Gibbs: You don't know what I've been doing. I haven't seen you in months.
Fornell: Who's fault is that? You only call when you need something.
Gibbs: Well, apparently when I need grief.

[McGee is asleep at his desk and suddenly wakes up to find Ziva and Tony staring at him]
McGee: [points to Tony] You did something didn't you? [Tony looks at him] What'd you do? [Tony continues looking at him] You tried to put my hand into this water?
Tony: That's a little juvenile.
McGee: You drew on my face didn't you?
Tony: No, I suggested stripping you naked, putting a tag on your toe and dragging you down to autopsy so when you woke up you'd think you were dead. But Ziva thought it was in poor taste.
McGee: Well, thank you, Ziva.
Tony: But I did not agree. I think there are a lot of people who would like to see you naked.

Fornell: This really is a big deal for you isn't it, letting me drive your car.
Gibbs: Yeah whatever. You already slept with my wife.

Mother's Day [7.16][edit]

Tony: All right, McNosy, what do you got?
McGee: From what I can gather, Gibbs and JoAnn Fielding are very estranged.
Ziva: The woman lost her daughter and granddaughter. Now her fiancé died in her arms and her former son-in-law is investigating! Show some sympathy!
Tony: Maybe she's cursed! Like a Kennedy!
McGee: Minus the grassy knoll.
Ziva: I heard about that! The shooter was really in the book suppository!
Tony: Depository.
Ziva: That's what I said.

Gibbs: Ooh. It smells like a French whorehouse in here.
Palmer: [referring to his new cologne] That's me.
Gibbs: What are you trying to do, Palmer? Raise the dead?

Abby: If Major Mass Spec were a guy, I would totally marry him and bear his little Mini Mass children.

Tony: You want to learn about being a real man, McGee, you've got to study the Japanese samurai. These guys are like Gibbs, with even bigger stones and less to say.
McGee: Is that even possible?

Tony: Aren't you hot?
Ziva: [smirks] I've been told that before.
Tony: I'm talking about temperature!
Ziva: Stop complaining. This is what winter feels like in Israel.
Tony: Well, we're not in Israel. We're in the good, old U.S. of A, my little immigrant friend, where we like to embrace central air, not melanoma.

Double Identity [7.17][edit]

Ziva: Hey, any of you notice something different about Ducky?
McGee: Yeah, he has seemed awfully chipper as of late.
Tony: Ducky does seem plucky. No one loves rain in D.C.
Ziva: No, his ties! He's been wearing tie ties, not his bow ties.
Tony: Wow. That's very observant.

Tony: You ever been married, doc?
Dr. Talridge: Twice, but never at the same time.

McGee: I built an application for my phone.
Tony: Why is that important to what we're doing here?
McGee: With a vehicle's VIN number, you can access all the vehicle's pertinent information, including key and remote codes. Hack into a database, download all the codes, and there it is.
Tony: Wow. I'm glad that MIT education paid off for something, McGeek.
McGee: It is pretty super, isn't it?
Tony: I don't believe you.
McGee: Yeah, I'm not going to unlock the door for you, Tony.
Tony: Well, I don't think you could unlock the door, because if you could you'd prove it to me by doing it.
McGee: Uh, no --
Tony: [snatches phone and unlocks door] You should patent that.

Jurisdiction [7.18][edit]

Ziva: I found candy leftover from Valentine's day.
Tony: Candy from who?
Ziva: Why does it matter?
Tony: It matters because you didn't eat it and so that person must not mean very much to you. It means something!
Ziva: It means nothing.
Tony: Well I'm glad I wasn't your valentine.
Ziva: So am I!

Gibbs: I wanted to see how Jensen lived.
Tony: It says a lot about a man. Take your house for instance: clean, no nonsense, stoic.
Gibbs: Stoic? My house is stoic?
Tony: Understated, then?
Gibbs: I planted some roses last weekend. Red ones. Are red roses stoic?
Tony: Well, they're prickly and thorny.

Ziva: What is CGIS?
McGee: Coast Guard Investigative Service.
Ziva: The Coast Guard has an investigative branch?
McGee: Well, they're smaller than us, but with a wider law enforcement reach.
Ziva: But it is the Coast Guard!
Tony: Whoa, whoa. No need to get uppity. Yes, Virginia, there is a CGIS.
McGee: Now they may not have our track record, or our je ne sais quoi, but they are our legitimate sibling.
Tony: Like Corky in Life Goes On.

Missy Dawkins: Oh my god, I can't believe he's dead!
McGee: What was your relationship with the deceased?
Missy Dawkins: You mean he's deceased, too?

Ziva: These are ocean charts. [points] This is where the Delilah was abandoned.
Tony: Calafuego. Treasure hunters.
Ziva: Is that was this is all about? Treasure?
Tony: Pirate treasure.
Ziva: Well this looks like David Jones' Locker.
Tony: Davy Jones'. He used to sing with The Monkees.
Ziva: Real monkeys?
Tony: I envy your brain sometimes.

Ducky: She also put some of Mother's silver in the dishwasher.
Gibbs: Really? [sarcastically]

Tony: Wait a minute. You're saying the widow and the stud diver, they... they did it together? [turns to Ziva] Ziva'd you hear that?
Ziva: Yes.
Tony: Yes what?
Ziva: Yes, I heard the wife did it, Tony! Okay, yes, you are a genius!
Borin: Okay, question, where would you hide a lot of money if you were afraid your house could be seized?
Tony: [slaps the table] Not in my house!

Tony: Are you ready for the adventure of a lifetime?
Ziva: It is just a movie, Tony.
Tony: How dare you? [puts down popcorn and hands Ziva a drink] Is Mickey just a mouse? Ringling Brothers just a circus?
Ziva: Yes.
Tony: [chuckles] Well, you see, that's why you don't have any friends.
Ziva: I do have friends!
Tony: Really? Then what are you doing with me, watching a movie on a Friday night at work? Huh?
Ziva: You are my friend.
Tony: Really?
Ziva: No. My date canceled.
Tony: Mine, too. [They smile and begin to watch The Black Pirate]

Guilty Pleasure [7.19][edit]

Ziva: [to Tony and McGee] You know what, you two? I have actually heard of this. You two are having a seven year bitch.
Tony: Itch, and yes we are.
Ziva: You two are like a married couple.
Gibbs: Oh, no they're not. They're still speaking.

McGee: Hey, why'd the dead guy cross the road? To get home.
Tony: Yeah. You were funnier when you were fatter.

Gibbs: Abby --
Abby: No time for smalltalk, Gibbs, there's way too much to tell.
Gibbs: I only said 'Abby', Abby.
Abby: Well, now you've said it thrice.

McGee: Well, if it isn't T-Cadd.
Tony: What?
McGee: T-Cadd. It's what I'm calling you guys now. You know, the cute couples contraction? Tom-Kat, Bennifer, Brangelina.
Tony: Yeah, we got it McBitter.
McGee: You two are wearing the same suit, even. [they smile]
McCadden: Building security found the body. No blood, it looks like he was dumped. Multiple stab wounds to the back. We've definitely got a fifth victim.
Tony: Wounds on his arm, chest. This guy wasn't easy to take out.
McGee: He put up a fight.
McCadden: Killer had to be strong, we're probably looking for a male.
Tony: Or Ziva. [they laugh]

Abby: Wait. Could you give McGee my hug today, because he really needs one.
Gibbs: [looks oddly at McGee]
McGee: [shakes his head] I'm good boss, thanks. [Gibbs turns around and leaves] [McGee gives Abby a look as she laughs]

Tony: You're annoying!
McGee: You're juvenile!

Moonlighting [7.20][edit]

Witness 1: It's gnarly, dude.
Witness 2: Yeah, for real.
Gibbs: Words, use 'em. Helpful words.
Witness 2: We were sleeping in our van, yo, right. We heard bam, bam, boom, boom, crack, crack.
Witness 1: Gunshots, dude. That's what I said. I was like, dude, gunshots. [turns to look at friend] Right?
Ziva: So you're saying there were six gunshots?
Witness 1: No, two gunshots. But there was like an echo and he was like, dude don't look and I was like dude were looking.
Witness 2: Yeah, and then, then we like peeked through the windows and we saw two dudes drive off in a black Lincoln.
Gibbs: Two? You sure there's two, it wasn't an echo?
Witness 1: Yep, two dudes.
Witness 2: Two dudes.

Tony: McGee would know. Head shots are his specialty.
Ducky: What?
Palmer: He's referring to a videogame he's been playing way too much.
Ducky: Ah.
Tony: What's this surprising bit of editorializing coming from the once and future king of dorkland?
Palmer: Hey, I now have a girlfriend.
Tony: The king is dead. [gripping McGee's shoulder] Long live the king.

Palmer: It wasn't sand sand, like good sand. It was bad sand. Very bad sand. It made me break out in red welts.
Ducky: It wasn't the sand, Mr. Palmer, but the sand mite.
Palmer: The sand might what?
Ducky: The sand mite bit you.
Palmer: Sand bites?
Ducky: Well, sand mites might bite.
Palmer: I'm grammatically lost.
Ducky: But medically found. The tiny crustacean known as the mite. M-i-t-e.

Fornell: Thanks for doing it my way.
Gibbs: Yeah, don't mention it.
Fornell: I was being facetious.
Gibbs: Yeah, me too.

Fornell: [he and Gibbs walk into Director Vance's office without knocking and turn on the tv] You have a surveillance camera in the conference room now. Hope you don't have one in the elevator.
Vance: [is crouching behind desk going through files] We don't, not yet at least, Agent Fornell. [sits up] How can I help you?
Gibbs: To borrow your tv.
Vance: And my copy of Emily Post. Door was closed.
Gibbs: I thought you were in MTAC.
Vance: Well, we all make mistakes. That's why God invented knocking. McGee's int he conference room interviewing Susan Grady.
Fornell: You sure you don't have a camera in the elevator?
Vance: When I do, you'll be the first to know, Agent Fornell.

Abby: Well, wouldn't Susan know? She was there, right? Are you guys sure that we can trust her, because I am not.
Ducky: And why, may I ask, is that?
Tony: C'mon, Ducky. Everyone knows that Susan's taken a little shine to McGee.
[Ziva punches Tony in the stomach and he groans]
Abby: That has nothing to do with it. McGee, he's a capable investigator, but when it comes to matters of the heart he can be a bit... naive.
Ziva: Are you... talking from experience?
Abby: That's classified. Just think about his last girlfriend. She tried to kill him!
Tony: Oh, I get it. You're trying to cover McGee like a protective hen.
Ducky: Or an overprotective panther.
Abby: [shrugs uncomfortably] Okay... If Susan can't tell you who lucky number eleven is, I can. Just keep her out of my hair.

Agent Grady: You have to catch them! Now! Like, right now.
Tony: We're working on it.
Ziva: We have hit a shamu.
Grady: Does she mean snafu?
Tony: Roll with it.

[Tony and Ziva enter the squadroom and see Palmer without his shirt on, and a rash erupting around his henna tattoo]

Tony: Dear God... someone fed him after midnight.
Ziva: Jimmy, what happened to you?
Palmer: It turns out I am really allergic to henna. I can't reach back there, so do you think you guys could...?
Tony: I'm late for a squash game!
Ziva: I'm sorry, I've got to get the hell out of here.
Palmer: Please, guys! It really itches!
[Tony and Ziva make a run for the elevator, Jimmy runs after them.]
Tony: That's what girlfriends are for!
Palmer: I can get the top part!
Tony: Stay, stay, stay!
[They try to fend him off, but Jimmy gets on the elevator with them; all arguing at once.]
Ziva: No, no, no! Please, do not... that could be very contagious! I may have to hurt you massively.
Tony: She'll do it, she'll do it!
Palmer: I would do it for you!
Ziva: No, you wouldn't!
[Elevator doors close]

Tony: I thought you said 27.000 kills.
McGee: 28.000 kills.
Tony: But you said yesterday 27.000 kills!
McGee: Well, that was yesterday.
Tony: You kill a thousand people a day?
McGee: I was hot. I was super hot. I was cappin' fools!
Tony: It's not a cause for pride, McGee! It's a cause for concern!

Obsession [7.21][edit]

Ziva: So, what exactly are you looking for in Miss Right?
Tony: [laughs] Well, aside from the obvious physical requirements, I don't know. I guess she'd be a very independent woman, intelligent, successful, professional.
Ziva: Okay, just one question: what would this woman, possibly, see in you?
[They smile and walk away from each other]

Director Vance: State Department has appointed Ms.Hart to be Alejandro’s legal counsel for the task force.
Gibbs: Of course they did.
Alejandro Rivera: I met Allison in Mexico City. We work well together.
Allison Hart: Alejandro was very helpful in my securing Colonel Bell’s release from prison.
Gibbs: Maybe we shouldn’t be cooperating, Leon.

[Abby has been kindly invited by Alejandro Rivera to speak at a symposium in Mexico City]
McGee: You’re not going to go, are you?
Abby: Are you kidding? Why wouldn’t I go?
McGee: Well, I bet he just wants to find out how many tats you have.
Abby: Maybe I have a new one that you’re never going to see.

Gibbs: You okay?
Tony: Not really. I broke rule number ten. Again. Never get personally involved in a case.
Gibbs: Yeah. That's the rule I've always had the most trouble with.

Borderland [7.22][edit]

Abby: Ducky found tissue underneath our victim's fingernails. Most likely from the killer. I ran the DNA, no matches.
Gibbs: Doesn't sound much like a breakthrough.
Abby: Well, it's not, but it is helpful because all military DNA is on file.
Gibbs: Just means our killer wasn't in the military.
Abby: Uggh... Rules out Director Vance.

Gibbs: It's good work. Get the address to Tony and Ziva.
[hands Abby a tiny Caf-Pow]
Gibbs: Nice job.
Abby: What the bio-hazardous material is this?
Gibbs: It's all they had.
Abby: A mini Pow?
[Gibbs nods]
Abby: Uggh, this is another bad omen. Gibbs, this does not bode well for my future.
Gibbs: Abby, I wouldn't worry about it.
Abby: Why's that?
Gibbs: Because, I've got your back. Always have, Abs. [kisses her on the cheek] Always will.

Tony: I bet Abby could last longer than ten seconds playing random chat.
Ziva: You are obsessed.
Tony: You wouldn't understand.
Ziva: Why is that?
Tony: Because, being irritating is second nature to you. Me, I'm charming.
Ziva: [scoffs]

Tony: I'm gonna go out on a limb here and say serial killer.
Ziva: [laughs] A limb. Nice!
Tony: Can I give you a hand? These are terrible jokes...

McGee: Now I understand why Tony took the couch in Paris.
Abby: Ziva said that she did.
[they look at each other understandingly]

Abby: Hi, Gibbs.
Gibbs: Hey, Abs.
Abby: Hi, Gibbs.
Gibbs: Hey, Abs.
Abby: Can I come in?
Gibbs: Yeah. You already are in.
Abby: Oh, right. Okay. It was nice talking to you.
Gibbs: Abs. Why are you here?
Abby: You know why I'm here. I matched the bullet in Pedro Hernandez's head to your sniper rifle. You killed him. In cold blood. I mean, I know what he did, Gibbs. He killed your wife and your daughter, but Gibbs.
Gibbs: I know.
Abby: Gibbs doesn't do things like that, or does he? Now I don't know. I don't know anything. The only thing that I do know is that I didn't find this out by accident.
Gibbs: Rule forty.
Abby: If it seems like someone is out to get you, they are. You have no idea how much I wish it was yesterday. Maybe if I could just close my eyes and open them again it will be. [crosses her fingers and closes her eyes, only to open them in dismay] Do you realize the situation that I'm in now?
Gibbs: Yeah, I know.
Abby: Do you understand the choice that I have to make now?
Gibbs: I know.
Abby: Stop saying I know!
Gibbs: What do you want me to say?
Abby: Tell me I'm wrong! Tell me that I made a mistake with the ballistics or --
Gibbs: No. No, I can't say that.
Abby: Then tell me how much I've been like a daughter to you, and how much you love me.
Gibbs: Will that help?
Abby: No. What I really need to know, Gibbs, is if you're going to love me no matter what.

Patriot Down [7.23][edit]

Tony: It is perfect for s'mores.
McGee: I never liked s'mores.
Tony: What are you talking about? What's not to like? You've got your chocolate, graham crackers, gooey marshmellows. What kind of boy scout are you?
McGee: I'm a Webelos, actually.
Tony: Well, zip up Webelos, your inner geek is showing.

McGee: Why would you let someone get away with rape?
Ziva: Perception. Burrows is in the military. If a woman cries rape, no man on that ship would ever totally trust her again.
McGee: Well, you're a woman. What would you do?
Ziva: I am different. After torturing them until they cried like babies, I would castrate them and give them what they deserve.
Tony: Hmm. Spoken like a true almost-American.

Tony: A good flan is hard to make. Getting the right ratio of milk to vanilla to caramel.
Ziva: Can we stop talking about the flan?
Tony: What are you, anti-flan?

Abby: Since when did I become the kid in class that the teacher won't call on? The evidence in my report says that you killed Pedro Hernandez, and you're not even willing to talk to me about it.
Gibbs: I didn't think I needed to.
Abby: I owe you everything! You're Gibbs! No one needs to know the truth about the Hernandez investigation. I am willing to do anything for you. I just need you to tell me what to do.
Gibbs: No you don't, Abs. I've only ever needed you to do one thing.
Abby: My job. But it's different this time. I mean, it has to be, right?
Gibbs: No, it doesn't.

Rule Fifty-One [7.24][edit]

Gibbs: Ain't that a riddle? No way out. Guy trapped in a room, no doors, no windows."
Paloma Reynosa: How did he get there?
Gibbs: Walls were built around him. But there's nothing there except a mirror and a table. How does he get out?
Jason Paul Dean: Look in the mirror, see what you saw. take the saw, cut the table in half. Two halves make a whole. Climb out the hole. Most retarded riddle I ever heard.

Tony: Did you see that?
Ziva: See what?
Tony: A wink.
Ziva: Director Vance winked?
Tony: I think he winked. Unless he was prepping his eye for the scanner, but --
Ziva: Why would it matter if he winked?
Tony: Because that's what he and Gibbs do. They have this whole wink-wink, nudge-nudge language. Vance can't green light an op. He expects us to pick up the slack when we see it.
Ziva: You see slack.
Tony: I don't know. Did you see a wink?

Abby: You guys are going to Mexico! What's the plan?
Tony: What do you know, Abs?
Abby: Gibbs mentioned rule forty.
Tony: If you think someone's out to get you, they are?
Ziva: I have never heard of a rule in the forties.
Tony: They don't come up very often.
Abby: And that's a good thing.
Ziva: How many times have I told Gibbs to write these things down?!
Tony: You don't have to write them down, they're for daily use, most of the rules, but the forties --
Abby: The forties. The forties are for emergency use only.
Tony: If the forties are in play something unspeakably bad is going down.
Ziva: We have to get him back.

Season 8[edit]

Spider and the Fly [8.01][edit]

[Tony is in MTAC video-conferencing with McGee, who is in Canada and is standing near a Mountie's horse]
Tony: That horse likes you!
McGee: This isn't funny, Tony.
Tony: Oh, poor McMounty. [affects Canadian accent] Hey, so have you seen any, like, moose and stuff up there? Hey, where's your buddy Claude. Isn't that your friendly St. Bernard with a little barrel of whiskey under his chin?!
McGee: I've been up here playing Dudley Do-Right for two weeks, all right? It's September and there's snow on the ground, could you at least give me a little compassion here?
Tony: And what would that be for? Did you forget to take off your toque when you entered a room? You're going to get in trouble up there, hanging with the bluenecks, throwing back a two-four of pale ale.
McGee: I've actually been working, unlike some people!
Gibbs: Certain people here are working.
McGee: Of course, boss.

Ziva: Hello, Tony. I'm back!
Tony: Well, hello, little miss Sunshine State, and don't you look balmy.
Ziva: I do not know what balmy means, but I would assume it is not good.
Tony: Just because I was alone, manning the fort, handling Gibbs solo, while you've been strolling around South Beach dancing to the rhythm of the night, why would I feel the need to say anything negative?
Ziva: Because you are you. Besides, I was working the entire time.
Tony: Ha!
Ziva: Ha what??
Tony: Are those tan lines?
Ziva: [coyly] Where do you think you're looking?
Tony: Does it matter?
Ziva: Well, actually, yes it does. And I can assure you, I do not have any tan lines.
Tony: Oh. So you did lay in the sun.
Ziva: Yes, I did, actually, this morning before my flight. And I came up with something case related prior to my departure.
Tony: [closes in eyes and inhales as Ziva stands next to his desk] You smell like ocean and shea butter.

Gibbs: Thought you were dead.
Franks: I got better.

McGee: [exiting the elevator] Ah, I missed these stained orange walls. God bless tacky American bureaucracy.
Tony: The prodigal probie returns.
McGee: You know, I realized something, Tony. You don't appreciate something until it's gone.
Tony: So you missed me, ay?
McGee: No, other things, like breakfast without beer.
Ziva: I thought that was the Irish.
Tony: Canadians, too.
McGee: You know, beer doesn't go well with either eggs or oatmeal. [looks at Ziva] Why are you so tan?
Ziva: Why are you so white?
McGee: I've always been like this.
Ziva: It becomes you.
McGee: You're lying.
Ziva: Through my teeth.

Ducky: Did I ever tell you about the first case that Jethro and I worked? Two sailors capsized a recreational skiff one summer's eve; panic ensued. When they were finally located, one sailor was dead and the other severely hypothermic.
Abby: So the one sailor drowned?
Ducky: No. Rather than watch his friend slowly expire, one sailor stabbed the other, claiming that it was more humane. He was convinced that his actions were justified.
Abby: Like Gibbs twenty years ago. [Ducky nods] Ducky, what if this doesn't work? What's going to happen with Gibbs?
Ducky: In 1940 Winston Churchill sat in his bunker smoking one of those majestic cigars, waiting for news that the first German bombs were decimating London. "Let us therefore brace ourselves to our duty," he said over the radio, "and so bear ourselves that, if the British Empire and its Commonwealth lasts for a thousand years, men will still say, 'This was their finest hour.'" The hour is upon us, Abby. All we can do is wait and see.

Worst Nightmare [8.02][edit]

McGee: [speaking to three recruits while standing at his desk] Now, this is where the brain trust of the entire unit sits. Come on in. Come on in. Please, have a seat. You notice how I've angled my desk here to get a good vantage point of the entire team here. It's very important as an NCIS agent to stay aware.
Tony: [watching from his desk] What's going on here? Are we being replaced by younger models?
Ziva: I am a younger model.
Tony: If that was intended to hurt me, you have succeeded.
Ziva: And we are not being replaced. They are from Waverly University.
Tony: Oh, yeah, that's right. Director Vance's internship program. It's not a good idea. It feeds McGee's need to have groupies. [Ziva smiles]

Abby: Also, you are not to touch my computer, my lab equipment, my mp3 player, my Caf-Pow, my desk or Burt my farting hippo without my express written consent.
Michael Seelus: Well, how am I going to do anything then?
Abby: And there's no cameras or flash photography.
Seelus: I don't have a camera.
Abby: And if accidentally turn my back to you, you are to immediately move back into my eyeline.
Seelus: Why don't I just wear bells?
Abby: That's a really good idea! [moves across the lab and retrieves a set of bells from a drawer] I mean, I'm sorry about this. Darren worked out, but I've just had problems with people that have been assigned to my lab. [holds out the bells]
Seelus: I'm not putting those on.
Abby: Oh, actually you are!
Seelus: No, I'm not?
Abby: [cheerfully] Except for the fact that you are.
Gibbs: [walks in] Abs, I need something fast.
Abby: [to Seelus] To be continued. [to Gibbs] Who are you and what you done with my Gibbs who doesn't like interns?

Gibbs: This is Special Agent Gibbs.
Mason: It was self defense.
Gibbs: Why don't you come on in, we can talk about it?
Mason: I think we both know that's not gonna happen.
Gibbs: You lied to me Mason.
Mason: I am sorry about that, but I just didn't want to take the chance that NCIS would screw things up, so I went to the ransom drop myself.
Gibbs: Yea, how'd that work out?
Mason: You're not the only one who was lied to. They said Rebecca would be there, they lied. I did not start the fight.
Gibbs: No, no, you just ended it.
Mason: He was trying to kill me, he gave me no choice. That's why I am calling you, to warn you. These people cannot be trusted. It was like the amateur hour out there today.
Gibbs: And you're the professional? Right?
Mason: I am what I am, bad luck for these guys. The rest is not important.
Gibbs: Mason, you need to come in before you cross a line that you can't come back from.
Mason: I don't have a lot of time so let me be as clear as I can be. There is not a force on this planet that's going to stop me from finding my granddaughter. You have to work within the law. I am a bit more flexible. [Call disconnects]
McGee: Well, he sounds serious.
Gibbs: No kidding.

Short Fuse [8.03][edit]

McGee: Ziva, what's going on?
Ziva: Tony has been selected to be on the cover of the new NCIS recruiting brochure.
McGee: Oh, you've got to be kidding me.
Tony: Hey, check it out. Who's the new face of NCIS? You're looking at it, McEnvy. Get used to it.
McGee: There will be no living with him now.
Ziva: Now??

Gibbs: You were supposed to be here an hour ago.
Fornell: My daughter had a performance at school, I told you. Be nice to me. I've just spent two hours with our ex-wife.
Gibbs: Yeah? She mention my name?
Fornell: Not for years.
Gibbs: Heh, you shaved your beard!
Fornell: That's very observant.
Gibbs: What is that?
Fornell: It’s rice.
Gibbs: I thought you were picking up cheeseburgers.
Fornell: It’s lamb curry from the Punjab Express.
Gibbs: We both agreed we hate that place.
Fornell: We did, but I got a twofer coupon in the mail.
Gibbs: Well, did you order it spicy or mild?
Fornell: Atomic.

Royals and Loyals [8.04][edit]

Ziva: Apologize.
Tony: For what?
Ziva: For being you.
Tony: Sweetheart, if I had a dollar for every time I'd done that, I'd be loaded.

Ziva: What?
Tony: I'm just watching the pheromones ooze from your body.
Ziva: I do not see anything.
Tony: That's because they're invisible. It's just a musky scent given off to attract the opposite sex.
Ziva: Now you're being ridiculous.
Tony: Oh, no. It's true. Think about it: first you had your little Miami vice, now Prince Albert in a can. Oh, they can't help it. You're just a walking Israeli love machine.
Ziva: [speaking of the British liaison officer to the U.S. Navy] He is charming.
Tony: What is it with chicks and Brits? Jagger, Bono, Beatles, Bond.
Ziva: I am not into bondage, I can assure you.

Tony: It's like looking for a needle in a haystack!
Ziva: Why would anyone leave a needle in a stack of hay anyway?
Tony: Oh, Lord.

Tony: Hey, boss, good news: a guy fitting Malloy's description just paid cash for a ticket to Glasgow.
Royal Marine/MI6 agent Major Malloy: It wasn't me.
Ziva: Gibbs, where did you find him?
Gibbs: I didn't. He found me. Ziva, you watch him. You watch him like Syria, not Switzerland.

Ziva: Tony, I have a question.
Tony: Shoot.
Ziva: If and when you meet my friend, and I emphasize 'if', what will you say?
Tony: Be careful. [chuckles insecurely] Um, handle with care; contents priceless.
Ziva: Goodnight, Tony.
Tony: Goodnight, Ziva.

Dead Air [8.05][edit]

Ziva: Tony, have you been drinking?
Tony: No. [sniffs breath] Why?
Ziva: I could have sworn I just heard you thank McGee.
Tony: I appreciate his insight.
Ziva: [skeptically] On what?
Tony: Baseball.
McGee: Specifically the implementation of instant replay in baseball. If we have the technology, why not use it?
Ziva: I do not know what is more disturbing: the fact that you both agree on something or that McGee is a fan of a sport.

Abby: [jumps when Gibbs touches her shoulder] Gibbs! Are you trying to give me heart palpitations?
Gibbs: No. What do you got, Abs?
Abby: Heart palpitations.

Tony: [Talking about Ziva] She’s not doing a very good job. The body language is all wrong. Classic Ziva would’ve been more reckless, hair would’ve been more wild. She was very sexual then.
McGee: You think Ziva’s less sexual now?
Tony: Compared to the Ziva I shared a bed with five years ago, yeah.
McGee: You guys were undercover. I mean, you were just putting on a show.
Tony: [Doesn’t say anything, stares at Ziva]
McGee: You were putting on a show, right?
Tony: [Just looks at McGee and clears his throat]

Ziva: Tony!! [jumps on Tony to cover him from a bomb blast]
Tony: This is nice. I miss the old Ziva.
Ziva: I can tell.
Tony: Don't flatter yourself. That's just my knee.
Ziva: So, Matt Lane planted a bomb then stayed behind to umpire a game rather than flee the scene.
Tony: We told you Ziva.
Gibbs: It's baseball.
Ziva: Huh
Tony and McGee: Nice
Ziva: You two need a moment.
Tony: You'll understand. Eventually
Ziva: Will I? (Goes to grab mitts and baseball)
Ziva: Hey Gibbs, Have a catch?
McGee: Wow, look at this. So, you do know a little something about baseball. Huh!
Ziva: Yeah. My father taught me.

Cracked [8.06][edit]

Tony: Trust me, this woman could get Gibbs into a leotard if she wanted to.
Gibbs: Not likely, in this lifetime, Dinozzo.
Tony: No, boss, I'm sure you would never wear a leotard. But if you did, you could pull it off.

Abby: We communicate in the same way. I could tell the first time I saw all of this. Everyone else saw chaos, and I saw patterns right away; there was order to the chaos. I want you to know that whatever it is that you're trying to tell me, I promise you, I promise I'll understand.
Ducky: Careful. Sometimes they talk back.

McGee: How many Caf-Pow's have you had today?
Abby: Um, Eleven..teen.

Broken Arrow [8.07][edit]

Ziva: Hey, guys? [Tony and McGee arrive to see Ziva looking into a dumpster] Someone is going to have to go though this -- this is disgusting.
Tony: Last time I checked, I was senior field agent.
McGee: It's too bad we don't have a probationary agent with us.
Tony and McGee: But we do!
Ziva: You're going to pull rank on me?! [watches as they turn and leave]

Abby: But, you just got here dont you wana stay a couple of days. You can have some quality time with Tony.
Dinozzo Sr.: Ohhh, I'd love too Abby, but I have to get back to New York I've been away to long.
Ziva: But we barely got to see you.
McGee: Yeah, we were kinda hopin to hear your version of why Jr. got expelled from boarding school.
Tony: Your wildest dreams McGee. Let's go dad!
Dinozzo Sr.: What's the matter with you Jr? Relax.
Gibbs: Hey, DiNozzo hold on a minute.
Tony: Don't move. Stay. [walks over to Gibbs] Yeah boss.
Gibbs: Hey, where's your dad going?
Tony: New York
Gibbs: No not yet we need him get us into the reception.

[Tony laughs then Gibbs laughs]


Dinozzo Sr.: Is that Ziva?
Tony: [frustrated] Yeah.
Dinozzo Sr.: Junior, get my bag. Oh wow, Ziva, look at you! What do you say, sweetheart?
Ziva: Hi!
Tony: Watch the hands!
Dinozzo Sr.: I'm so happy to see you!
Tony: Let's go!

Admiral Chase: Does Agent David carry a weapon?
Gibbs: She is a weapon.

Enemies Foreign [8.08][edit]

Eli David: I was summoned. Vance's review of the international case-files, and his request for contributions from every NCIS director.
Gibbs: Not every director.
Eli David: No. Not Jenny Shepard. She was truly responsible for bringing our organizations together, and for bringing my daughter into your life, but I am not here for her.
Gibbs: For Ziva.
Eli David: Yes.
Gibbs: You're not here for Ziva. She has a name.
Eli David: I am aware. I gave it to her.

Vance: Eli's here already, isn't he?
Gibbs: You knew he'd come.
Vance: You dangle the right bait you can catch any game. The Palestinians are following the same logic.
Gibbs: Chasing Eli.
Vance: That was unexpected. We've got to find him first, then we need to get on Eli's protection detail. I know he's going to make it miserable for us.
Gibbs: Got McGee babysitting him at a safehouse. We're running drills to secure the hotel.
Vance: Good. How's our own David handling it?
Gibbs: Her father left her to die in a desert.
Vance: So it's a problem.
Gibbs: Would be for me. Won't be for Ziva.

McGee: The Palestinians last location is a thousand miles south of D.C. Now every minor and major airport between has their photos posted. I've got alerts at the train stations, bus stations, local L.E.O.s up and down the coast, as well as all hardware shipments, commercial or military. I have hung a net.
Ziva: I do not know who Annette is or why you are so proud of killing her.
McGee: No, what I mean is, when they make a move I'll know about it.

Abby: You should see your dad.
Ziva: How would that help the case?
Abby: It wouldn't. Have you even spoken to him?
Ziva: No.
Abby: Okay.
Ziva: What does it matter to you?
Abby: Do you think it's just by chance that he came back into your life? I mean, what about Gibbs and his father and Tony? It's just that there comes a point, you know, in your lifetime where they really come back into your life, because they matter to you, and because you matter to him. I mean, I suppose that it sounds complicated, but believe me, it's not nearly as complicated as knowing that they're never, ever going to come back again.

Enemies Domestic [8.09][edit]

Liat: Director David has left us a message.
Tony: What's that?
Malachi: It is the Hebrew word bayet. It means "house" or "home".
Tony: [sarcastically] Oh, so he's walking all the way home to Israel?
Liat: More likely the Israeli embassy.
Tony: "House". Oh, well, you know there is a House of Pancakes down the street, and also a House of Pies and a Donut House --
Ziva: [interrupting Tony] My father needs medical attention. We should split up, cover each possibility.
Liat: Okay. [she and Malachi leave]
Tony: Look, you're going to have to go on your own because Gibbs wants --
Ziva: Tony, do you know what a Golem is?
Tony: Creepy schizophrenic creature from Lord of the Rings?
Ziva: No, that's Gollum. A Golem is a supernatural being from Jewish folklore. It was created from mud to protect the Jews. The mystics sketched the name Emet into his forehead. When the monster's task was completed the letter aleph was scratched out, changing the word to met. Do you understand what I'm saying?
Tony: Yeah. Liat pulled a Golem. She erased a letter?
Ziva: Liat is an overachiever. She erased the entire word.
Tony: You're not going to the House of Pancakes, are you?

Ziva: The second word was knesset - the word you removed. Beit knesset - the nearest synagogue. But just one question: why did you not trust me?
Liat: You're not with us.
Ziva: Aba! Show yourself!
Liat: Are you an idiot?
Ziva: We're not looking for the afikoman. He can hear us if we call him.
Liat: Yes, but you don't know who else might hear.
Ziva: Aba!
Liat: [grabbing Ziva by the shoulder] You stop!
[Liat and Ziva fight on the bimah]
Eli: Stop this! [enters with Malachi] What are you doing?
Ziva: [pointing to Eli] He's coming with me, Malachi.
Liat: He's not going anywhere.
Eli: Liat, you do not answer for me.
Ziva: Hadar is dead. Director Vance is nearly so. Everyone has questions for you.
Eli: Then you take me to NCIS. You will have your answers.

Abby: [referring to Eli David] He knew how to do it. He just confessed to knowing how to build the murder weapon. I mean, come on! How many people know how to build a homemade Claymore mine?
Malachi': In this room? [he, Liat and Ziva raise their hands]
Abby: Okay, fine. [raises her hand]

Gibbs: Rule number nine.
Vance: How did you get that by security?
Gibbs: Never go anywhere without a knife.

Eli: There have been times I felt this job take a piece of me. Where I worried it might be gone forever.
Ziva: Sometimes life surprises you.
Eli: Those are the moments worth living for, my Ziva. [kisses her forehead]

Gibbs: Hey! That was my Danish!

McGee: Oh no. Agent McCallister! Now remember, you're supposed to ask me before using the men's room.
McCallister: Shut up! Permission to smack your boy with my cane, Gibbs.
Gibbs: Denied.

False Witness [8.10][edit]

Tony: [after Ziva turns off the sound from the interview room] Thanks. I was getting a headache.
Ziva: Really?? This is usually your favorite part. Getting to watch reality TV at work, as you call it.
Tony: Well, people change, Ziva.
Ziva: Yes. But not that quickly. And yet here we have this new Tony. Who arrives early, stays late, turns down advances from beautiful women, and has not made a single joke in the past, what, two days?
Tony: I haven't? Are you sure? Well, we're in the middle of a case.
Ziva: It has not stopped you before.
Tony: Well, it's stopping me now, and I'm sorry if you're losing sleep over it, but I can't be responsible for everyone's feelings!
Ziva: Everyone?
Tony: Everyone! You, and McGee, and the Brenda Bittner's of the world. Everyone!
Ziva: Brenda.
Tony: Yeah. Bittner. The girl who posted online that we were in a committed relationship last year.
Ziva: Yes! Yes, but if I remember correctly, the only thing you were committed to was a one night stand.
Tony: That's right. [clears throat] I just found out that she checked herself into a depression treatment facility after she wrapped her car around a tree. Nice one, huh?
Ziva: And you feel responsible.
Tony: No! I barely knew the girl. I'm just saying.
Ziva: Well, clearly she was a troubled woman.
Tony: It's clear now, isn't it?
Ziva: Still, it must be unsettling to think that you didn't notice at the time, especially since it is your job to help people who are in trouble.
Tony: I don't know why this has gotten under my skin like this. I mean, of all things. Maybe instead of having a mid-life crisis I'm having a mid-life crazy.
Ziva: Look, you are not crazy, okay? You are just -- [pauses] -- growing up. And some lessons are more painful as we grown older when the stakes are higher, but you need to find balance. And yes, yes, yes, yes! You need to treat people more respectfully, especially when it comes to matters of the heart. But you, need to be who you are.
Tony: Who am I?
Ziva: You are Tony DiNozzo. The class clown. That is why we love you.

Ships In The Night [8.11][edit]

1stLt Nolan: Rough night?
Agent Abigail Borin: Blind date. On a boat.
Nolan: Nowhere to go.
Borin: [sarcastically] Overboard.
Nolan: Should I call the Coast Guard?

Tony: I don't need more money. I need more time. Just think of all the women I could've dated.
Ziva: I would rather not.
Tony: Respectfully dated. [Ziva looks at him] But it's never too late. [goes to his file cabinet]
Ziva: What are you doing?
Tony: Tallying up my overtime.
Gibbs: You got more coming Skippy. [Tony and McGee look at him] Grab your gear.
Tony: Got another all-nighter?
Gibbs: You can sleep when you're dead.

Borin: [to police officers] I need this area cleared of passengers even if they claim to be my date. [Gibbs arrives at crime scene] Agent Gibbs.
Gibbs: Agent Borin. [smiles] We gotta stop needling.
Borin: You mean when NCIS takes over one of my cases. My call was a courtesy, not an invitation.
Gibbs: Body trumps boat.
[Gibbs takes a look at the victim, a dead Marine officer]
Gibbs: [looks over Borin's blood-stained dress] It's a nice dress. Are you cold?
Borin: Tried to give him CPR. And no.
Gibbs: The, uh, gift shop was out of pantsuits. [hands her some clothing] Unless you'd rather just go home.
Borin: While you have all the fun? [takes clothing] Don't think you're getting rid of me that easily Gibbs.
Gibbs: [laughs] I didn't.

[Tony is on the boat addressing the passengers]
Tony: Ladies and gentlemen, excuse me, if I could have your attention. Thank you. I know it's been a long night. Consider it your murder-mystery dinner-theater on the Potomac. Was dinner, now it's breakfast. Well, looks like Colonel Mustard was killed on the deck with a lead pipe, maybe lead bullets. [as Poirot, with a French accent] And we'll be interrogating each and everyone of you individually. And we hope to see the light. [clears throat] Albert Finney doing Hercule Poirot, 1974's Murder on the Orient Express. [passengers stare at Tony and look at each other]

Borin: He seemed like a nice guy. Guess it's true what they say. All the good ones are taken.
Gibbs: Or dead.

[Gibbs walks in to find McGee fast asleep on the deck couch]
Gibbs: McGee! [McGee wakes up] You awake?
McGee: [flustered] Sorry, Boss, yes! Never quite get used to these extra hours. I don't know how you and Agent Borin always stay so..
Gibbs: Peppy?
McGee: No no no. It's just that you two have a lot in common.
Gibbs: [annoyed] Like what?
[Borin walks in with cups of coffee]
Borin: Coffee?

[Tony and Ziva have just finished interviewing Borin's "blind date" Steve Mehlman]
Tony: Agent Borin is a lucky lady. [Ziva smiles] Don't worry Ziva. You'll find your Mehlman.
Borin: [walks in] If you do, run! Avoiding him since last night.

Ducky: [talking to corpse] Celebrities have always existed, from promiscuous monarchs to Roman gladiators. [...] These days, however, fame is more easily obtained. Anyone with enough money and a lack of self-respect can become famous just by being famous. We've gone from Socrates to Snooki. I can understand you wanting to distance yourself from such a frivolous lifestyle.

Doug: Don't talk down on me, man.
Tony: An ex-Marine like yourself should be used to that.
Doug: No such thing as an ex-Marine.
Tony: I beg to differ, Doug. 'Cause you got served a big chicken dinner didn't ya? [shakes head] Bad conduct discharge. That's not good. What'd you do? [looks through Doug's service record files] Ohhhh nooo! [laughs sarcastically] Striking a superior officer? That's a numbskull move, Doug.

Abby: How come NCIS doesn't have a mascot?
Gibbs: We do. [Abby looks at him] You.

Borin: Never make excuses. It's Rule #1. You should write that down.
McGee: I would but Rule #1 has already been taken. Twice.
[Borin looks at photos on Gibbs' desk wall]
Borin: So, who are these people? Friends?
McGee: I don't think he has any friends. Maybe Mike Franks or Fornell...
Gibbs: Butt off my desk Borin.

Gibbs: [hands Abby and Borin a Caf-Pow and coffee respectively] Abses, that is good work.

Tony: [arrests suspect who was subdued by Ziva] The paparazzi's gonna love this. How do I look Ziva?

[Tony and Ziva are in the interrogation room with a drunk suspect]
Tony: What is this, reverse Darwinism? You're rich guys because you don't have to hunt or gather your brain atrophies?
Devon: Out of my way, jack-ass. [trying to flirt with Ziva] What are you doing next week?
Ziva: Testifying at your preliminary hearings.
Devon: Ugh, that doesn't sound fun.

[Gibbs and Borin walk into the squad room drinking coffee. Tony and McGee stare at them.]
Gibbs: What's wrong?
Tony: It's 8 o'clock in the morning Boss.
Gibbs: Yeah. Starting time.
McGee: Boss, we haven't been to sleep yet.
Gibbs: Well, hell. Go home.
Borin: Sleep is way overrated. Don't you think, Gibbs?
Gibbs: I think you're right.

Recruited [8.12][edit]

[Tony looks pensively at Ziva's desk]
McGee: So, where is she?
Tony: [starts] Who?
McGee: Tony, Ziva's been gone since Thursday.
Tony: Oh! Ziva. Gosh, I hadn't noticed.
McGee: You are lying.
Tony: McGoo, I have better things to do than obsess about the whereabouts of our little miss fancy-pants Ziva.
McGee: Like what?
Tony: Well, for starters, there's lunch. Today I'm picking falafel.
McGee: Tony.
Tony: All right. She spent the weekend with him.
McGee: Who?
Tony: The sire of South Beach. The king of Key West. The man with the mister -- I'm running out of things to call him.
Tony: She won't even tell us his name.

Gibbs: C'mon, grab your gear! Wouldn't want to miss the school bus.
Tony: Class trip, Boss?
Gibbs: Got a dead Petty Officer in a high school stairwell. Janitor found him this morning.
[Tony starts singing "The Wheel on the Bus", Gibbs joins in]

Gibbs: [kisses Abby's cheek] Thank you, Abs.
Dr. Walter Magnus: He -- he just kissed her.
Ducky: Consider it an innocent gesture of endearment.

[McGee sneezes]
Tony: Cover your mouth.
McGee: I'm allergic to sawdust. Mostly pine. I'm better with hardwoods. You know, walnut, oak.
Tony: Were you a sickly child? Because I'm betting you were a sickly child.
McGee: I need my inhaler.
Tony: I want Ziva back.

Gibbs: How are you holding up Leon?
Vance: On a strict diet of paperwork and painkillers. How'd you think?

Tony: Five kids Craig was advising. Hi I thought you were in Miami. You look positively alpine.
Ziva: He came to me. We went skiing again this time to Vermont.
Tony: Vermont that's so quaint they have all those lovely little country inns and uhh, cozy fires and sticky syrup that gets every where.
Ziva: He enjoys nature and I discovered that he's a fantastic cook he made this whoow delicious awzooboko.
Tony: Aren't you lucky so he's a real renaissance man.
Ziva: He is an experienced man who knows how to appreciate life. There is a difference.
McGee: So when do we get to meet him and please tell us his name.
Tony: Oh, no please let me guess. Zeus uhh, Thor.
Ziva: His name is Ray.
Tony: Ray! What a nice little name. Ray like Ray Crock or Ray Charles or Sugar Ray.
Ziva: Umm, I promise you Ray is a good man.

Freedom [8.13][edit]

McGee: Since when did banks become so evil?
Tony: Since about the 12th century.

(Ziva laughs)


McGee: Not a hacker, either.
Ziva: How do you know?
McGee: My firewall hasn't been penetrated.
Tony: Lubricant helps, but everybody has dry spots.

(Ziva laughs)


McGee: It's rude, Tony. I called you four times!
Tony: Well, there's two things wrong with that statement. One, we're not dating. And two, you know I don't take calls from anyone, especially you, after 7pm. You forget, I have a life.
McGee: What's your point?
Tony: My point McGee, party of one, is that you were leaving me messages evidently about some kind of case file?
McGee: Yeah, one that I needed you to sign.
Tony: Which you could have waited until this morning for? Give it to me. (McGee hands Tony the file) See that? Now all I have to do is sign it! (Tony signs the file) Look at that. Signing John Hancock. Just kidding, Anthony DiNozzo. (Tony hands McGee the file, which McGee snatches out of his hands)

(After McGee has opened a parcel containing a blow up doll)

McGee: Erm...real funny, Tony.
Tony: (Laughs) You think I did this?
Ziva: I would not put it past you.
Tony: Guys! Come on, a little credit, please. I have grown past this kinda sophomore thing. I mean, who would do something so...genius! McGee with a plastic girlfriend! Congratulations, Tim! She's very sweet.
McGee: The receipt's got my credit card information on it. It must be some kind of mistake.
Ziva: I would cancel your credit card.
McGee: Right now, all I need to do is figure out how to deflate this thing.
Tony: Oh that's easy, there's always a button right here on the back of the neck...(Tony realises what he has just said)...there's no reason I should know that.

(Gibbs and Ducky are in Autopsy, looking over Sgt Wooten's body.)

Ducky: These bruises and lascerations could be consistent with somebody hitting a target repeatedly.
Gibbs: The target was the wife, Duck. I wouldn't blame her if she did this.
Ducky: Nobody would. But that doesn't make it any less of a crime.

(Tony introduces Nick Miller, the boy whole charged McGee's credit card illegally)

Tony: Tim McGee, meet Tim McGee.
Nick: 'Sup dude.
McGee: Hello. (Looks at Tony) I don't get it.
Tony: Well, Tim, there are two kinds of identity thieves. There's the kind you never know and there's the kind that knows you so well that they're aware you're not home from 7am to 10pm.
McGee (To Nick) You're Mrs Miller's kid right? Nick?
Ziva: Who is Mrs Miller?
Tony: It's McGee's landlady, holder of the keys. She also has a bad back.
Ziva: Oh.
McGee: It was you! You stole my identity, you sent me an inflatable girlfriend! You know I'm down almost ten grand!
Nick: Dude, it's fraud and you're only liable for like... fifty bucks.
Tony: Yeah dude.
McGee: (To Nick) Why? Why are you doing this to me?
Nick: You're always doing the same thing. Go to work, come home, go to work again. You even order the same take-out food every single night.
McGee: Not every night.
Nick: Dude, yes! You gotta start living. You're too young to act so old.

(McGee looks at Tony who starts laughing)

Tony: You're welcome.

(Tony, McGee and Nick Miller decide to go to GameStop)

Nick: (To Ziva) Smoking hot chick! Can she come too?

(Ziva smiles and looks at Tony)

Tony: Cool it, Nick.

(Tony drags him towards the elevator as Ziva laughs)

A Man Walks Into A Bar... [8.14][edit]

Dr. Cranston: The thing that puzzles me, with all this change, allegiance to country, of the type of men you're drawn to, what is it that you are looking for? What is it that you want?
Ziva: I want something permanent; something that can't be taken away. Is that too much to ask?

Dr. Cranston: What do you see when you look at him, Agent DiNozzo?
Tony: A man works his whole life, dedicates himself to his job, and then has nothing to show for it.
Dr. Cranston: How does that make you feel?
Tony: Afraid. I'm a good agent, Dr. Cranston. A really good one.
Dr. Cranston: I know. So do a lot of other people. Maybe Agent Todd was hard on you because she knew what you were really capable of. Too bad she never got a chance to tell you.
Tony: I think I just realized who you are, Rachel.

Kate: How was I supposed to know what you were planning?
Tony: Well, we're a team, Kate! You're supposed to follow my lead.
Kate: Oh, even when I don't know where it's going?
Tony: Especially then.

Gibbs: Stand right here. Look down. Do you feel that? Right there?
Dr. Cranston: What?
Gibbs: This is where the guy who murdered Kate died. This is where Ziva shot her own brother. That, doc, is closure. The rest is just memories. Nothing wrong with memories.

Dr. Cranston: Man walks into a bar. Asks the bartender for a glass of water, bartender pulls out a shotgun, fires a blast just missing the man, man says "thank you" puts a tip on the bar and exits. Why the '"thank you"? Why the tip?

Dr. Cranston: It's all about responses, Gibbs. You, Vance, ...your agents. We keep things piling up inside... even the harshest response seems appropriate.

Dr. Cranston: It's clear to me we all react to life's challenges in different ways - your people are no exception. Some fight death and some embrace its solace. Some recognize their fate and others do whatever is necessary to alter it. Sometimes we defy other's expectations and, occasionally, we rise to meet them. But the constant is being true to ourselves. We do what we have to when we have to. We react - for better or worse.

Defiance [8.15][edit]

Kill Screen [8.16][edit]

[Gibbs hits the computer in frustration when he can't log in to his e-mail]
McGee: Uh, Boss, I wouldn't do that. I just finished calibrating your-- [Gibbs hits the monitor again] ..monitors.
Gibbs: It was working fine until you touched it.
McGee: [goes to Gibbs' desk] All I did was tweaked the color gamma...
[McGee tries to fix the account but to no avail. Gibbs takes out a baseball bat and hits the computer with it.]
McGee: Boss, that's really not gonna help.
Gibbs: Well, it helps me.
[McGee accidentally spills Gibbs' coffee onto his desk]
McGee: Uh sorry Boss. [desperately trying to clean up the mess] I'm sorry uh...how about you take mine. It's a double half-caf, Sumatra blend with a twist of lemon. [Gibbs storms off without a word] I'll have it fixed by the time you get back.
[Tony and Ziva arrive at work]
Tony: Morning, Boss. Like that shirt! [Gibbs storms past them without a word]
Tony: [to McGee] Hope you didn't break his computer. He doesn't like that thing even when it's working.
McGee: I should have listened to my horoscope. It said I should stay home today.
Ziva: [laughs] Your horoscope?
Tony: What else did it say?
McGee: Avoid new relationships, which after last week is probably not a bad idea either. [looks up as Tony laughs] What's so funny?
Tony: Oh, just that you think you have a choice.
Ziva: And that you read your horoscope.
McGee: Oh, just for fun, but it has been interesting. I have been thinking about taking a break from dating for a while. [makes a face as Tony laughs again] Okay, now what's so funny?
Tony: Same thing.
McGee: Thanks for the support, Tony.

Palmer: That's one cold-blooded killer. He stops for a hot dog while getting rid of the evidence.
Ducky: It's not uncommon for killers to find themselves unusually hungry after the act.

Ziva: I would like to have seen Gibbs shoot that computer.
McGee: Well, if I don't get his email working you may get a second chance.
Ziva: I almost shot Tony last night. We were stuck for almost three hours before the firemen were able to open up the fire doors.
Tony: And you loved every second of it.

One Last Score [8.17][edit]

Tony: No, I saw what happened! You and I were having a conversation, we're trying to work something out.
Ziva: Yeah! It is a violation. There is an expectation of privacy in our own office.
Tony: And she's just chatting away, right over the hedge.
Ziva: It is over the edge!!
Tony: Actually, it's over the top, but it's pushing you over the edge.
Ziva: Huh?
Tony: And you know what I think? [walks into the lab to hear McGee and Abby speaking] What are you guys talking about?
Abby: Um, tanning hides. You?
Ziva: The same.
Tony: Easy.

Tony: So something interested here here, huh?
Gibbs: There's a couple of options, but I like this desk. Old growth wood. Craftsman made.
Ziva: [gasps] It belonged to William Faulkner! I love his writing!
Tony: Total genius.
Ziva: Yes! It was worth learning English just for The Sound and the Fury, or that chapter in As I Lay Dying. You know, the one with the five words where Vardaman says "My mother is a fish!"
Tony: I don't really like his books much, but I'm a big fan of the movies he made based on other people's books. Like The Big Sleep and To Have and Have Not. I mean, he gave us Bogey and Bacall. God bless you, William Faulkner.

Out of the Frying Pan [8.18][edit]

[Ducky is conducting the autopsy]
Ducky: Here comes a candle to light you to bed. Here comes a chopper to chop off your head. Chop, chop, chop, chop. The last man's dead.
[Ziva enters autopsy room]
[...]
Ziva: I've heard you talk to the dead, Ducky, but I did not know you read poetry to them as well.
Ducky: They are playground rhymes.
Ziva: And they have something to with our victim?
Ducky: Lizzie Borden took an ax and gave her mother forty whacks. When she saw what she had done, she gave her father forty-one.

[Abby is doing a reconstruction of the crime scene when McGee walks in]
Abby: Hi honey! Welcome home to your bloody abode.
[...]
Abby: [points to a computer tablet] It's been sitting in so much blood it kinda drowned the little guy.
McGee: Metro give it CPR?
Abby: They tried but I think it needs a Timmy touch.

[Tony and Director Vance are in the observation room watching Gibbs interrogate a teenager suspected of murdering his father]
Tony: I feel bad for any guy who ever dates your daughter.
Vance: Me too.
Tony: [reading from the boy's juve file] "Daddy and me had three violent altercations over the past two years. Cops had to break it up. Yelling, screaming." [looks at Vance] Sounds like one of Ziva's family reunions.

Gibbs: What do you got?
Abby: Other than my respect and adulation for human's ability to engineer teeny, tiny parts made of nothing but sand?
Gibbs: [looking down at a touchpad computer] Is it dead or alive?
Abby: It's neither. It's like a zombie, Gibbs; if you don't kill the brain, it doesn't die.

Tell-All [8.19][edit]

Ziva: Tony, why are you trying to look at Gibbs' mail?
Tony: Oh, come on, isn't it obvious? The raised calligraphy, the paper that's made from a fabric more expensive than Timmy's shirt. [touches McGee's shirt collar, McGee pulls away] Sorry. [to Ziva] He got the same invitation last week.
Ziva: How'd you know that?
Tony: I saw it. Same fancy paper. Same fancy handwriting.
Ziva: Well, someone's being persistent.
McGee: Who would wanna invite Gibbs to their wedding?
Tony: Yeah, guy's got worst wedding juju than Billy Bob Thornton and Larry King combined.
Ziva: You are overreacting. I, for one, would not mind having Gibbs there when I get married.
[Tony and McGee both stare at her in astonishment]
Ziva: [sees them staring at her] Hypothetically! [Tony and McGee continue looking at her] I mean, you know...when I...someday...you know, if I-- [exasperated] It is not important!

[Ducky and Palmer are performing an autopsy on the deceased victim]
Ducky: Cellular communication, text messaging, squeaking...
Palmer: Tweeting, Doctor. Like the yellow canary and the puddy tat. I used to love that cartoon when I was a kid--
Ducky: [ignores and interrupts Palmer] These distractions feed the ever-growing beast known as "instant gratification".

[Gibbs walks into Abby's lab with a scorched book from the crime scene]
Gibbs: Hey Abs, brought you a book.
Abby: Oh...great...you know, it's supposed to be burnt after reading, not before?

[Tony and Ziva are Abby's lab attempting to piece together the burnt pages of the book]
Ziva: Tony, you're hogging the end pieces!
Tony: That's because I start with the end pieces. Haven't you ever done a puzzle before? You go out to in.
Ziva: Have you ever done a puzzle before? Because you work in to out!
Abby: [laughing at their bickering] Will you guys stop? I'm trying to read here.

[Tony is hiding in a shower cubicle in a secret attempt to read Gibbs' invitation. Ziva realizes this and pulls the curtain back on him.]
Ziva: Tony.
Tony: Ziva.
Ziva: You're in the women's shower fully clothed and you are holding Gibbs' mail.
Tony: What's your point?
Ziva: That letter's not for you to read.
Tony: I know, but there's so many questions to be answered. The happiest day in someone's life and they need Leroy Jethro Gibbs there to seal the deal? Doesn't make any sense.
Ziva: Right, so be honest. Surely you would want Gibbs there at your wedding?
Tony: I don't know if a head slap coming down the aisle is the ideal Kodak moment.

Abby: [about the suspect] She's like Lisbeth Salander meets scary Katy Perry.

Fornell: You get an invitation to Diane's wedding?
[Gibbs looks at Tony, who was standing in front of them. Tony gets the message and leaves.]
Gibbs: Yeah. I got three.
Fornell: Three. [Gibbs nods his head] Woman always was persistent.
Gibbs: Tobias, she's a pain in the butt.
Fornell: You going?
Gibbs: Are you?
[...]
Fornell: You know, Jethro, if it weren't for Diane, we wouldn't have the kind of relationship that...[Gibbs looks at him]...we have
Gibbs: [amused] Tobias, you've always been a "glass half-full" kind of guy.
Fornell: [smiles] Never have to pay alimony again.

Two-Faced [8.20][edit]

McGee: Sounds like you're getting pretty serious.
Ziva: I am happy Ray is happy. We are meeting in New York next weekend. He is taking me to the opera.
Tony: The opera?! Wow! Does his boyfriend know about you?

Gibbs: You CIA?
Ray Cruz: Just celebrated my thirteenth year, sir.
Tony: That's funny. Ziva failed to mention your line of work.
Ray: It's what I do. It's not who I am.
Tony: That's a very zen, new-agey kind of attitude for someone who instals puppet regimes for a living.
Ziva: Okay. Gibbs, can I give Ray a tour?
Gibbs: Yeah, sure. Don't lose him.
Ray: It's been a pleasure meeting all of you.
Tony: Huh. So it's not Renaissance Ray. It's CIA Ray. He's CIRay!
McGee: You really should get that checked out. It's like a bad tick or something.
Tony: Something about this guy, boss. His smile is disturbing. I haven't seen a smile like that since Christan Bale's barely audible Batman in The Dark Knight.
Gibbs: DiNozzo.
Tony: Right. Back to work. (in Batman voice) It's what I do. It's not who I am. (normally) Huh.

Ray: You know, I want Ziva's friends to become my friends. She's told me how close the two of you are.
Tony: [Laughing] I wouldn't say that.
Ray: She says you're like a brother to her.
(Tony looks troubled)

Abby: Change, Gibbs. Change makes me itch. It always has. It's Agent Barrett. I'm not a fan. I mean, of change. Her I don't mind. She's feisty for someone so small, and I like that. Not that I like her, because I don't really.
Gibbs: Abby.
Abby: Not like I like you.
Gibbs: Abs. [hugs her]
Abby: I like our family just the way it is.
Gibbs: Nothing's going to change.

Dead Reflection [8.21][edit]

Tony: Salads are not stakeout food.
Ziva: Well, they should be. [motioning at his sandwich] At least they don't stink up the car.
Tony: [offers an onion ring] Want one?
Ziva: No!
Tony: Your loss.
Ziva: Did Gibbs say anything to you about Agent Barrett? You know, dating?
Tony: No.
Ziva: [sighs] Are you sure he knows?
Tony: He's Gibbs. He knows everything. He did read her the riot act, though.
Ziva: Well, that's not good, Tony. I mean, you should talk to Gibbs. You and him go way back! I mean, it's like the big rhinoceros in the room that no one wants to talk about.
Tony: Elephant.
Ziva: Huh?
Tony: It's an elephant in the room. It's not a hippopotamus, it's not a rhinoceros. It's an elephant.

Tony: I've always thought that the head slaps were sign of affection. Today in the squad room I was expecting one and I didn't get it. Are you pissed at me?
Gibbs: Rule number twelve.
Tony: Never date a co-worker. [laughs] Yeah, I know. She's pretty great, though. E.J. and I have a lot in common. She's easy to be with. It's nice having someone to talk to. NCIS doesn't have any policy against it. I mean, there are married agents, and technically E.J. and I don't work together. We're on separate teams.
Gibbs: My team. My rules. [ignores phone call from Abby] Sleeping with Barrett is a bad idea.
Tony: No offense, but my personal life is my business.
Gibbs: It's going to effect your work.
Tony: No, it won't.
Gibbs: It already has.
Tony: I know what you're thinking: that I've lost focus, that I've taken my eye off the ball.
Gibbs: I depend on you.

Tony: Listen, we have to kind of cool it around the office from now on. You know what I mean?
EJ: You mean around Gibbs. He intimidates you.
Tony: Let's just say he presents a challenge. He sees what he shouldn't see. Hears what he shouldn't hear. He's like Alec Baldwin in The Shadow, and the shadow always knows.
EJ: You're scared of him.
Tony: [nods] Yep!
EJ: I'm not.
Tony: You should be.

Baltimore [8.22][edit]

McGee: Look, I'm just saying that I think Tony is more upset than he's letting on.
Ziva: Yes, but he and his partner had not spoken in years.
McGee: Okay, let's say you and I hadn't spoken in years, and I get my throat slit by a serial killer.
Ziva: I would hunt him down, and make him regret the day he was born. You're not just any partner, McGee!
McGee: Neither is Tony.

Tony: [reading his fortune cookie message] Love is for the lucky and the brave. Why is that for me?
Danny: Hey man, asking your high school music teacher out qualifies as brave in my book.
Tony: Wendy asked me out, remember?
Danny: See, that's why you can dress like that. 'Cause you're good-looking, but one of these days, the looks are going to run out.
Tony: I plan to be safely married by then.
Danny: Well if not, you might want to consider a new wardrobe. Seriously. Yeah, with the right clothes, you'd be unstoppable.

Gibbs: [telling Abby and McGee how he recognized a possible suspect's picture] Rule number 35.
Abby and McGee: [look at each other and smile] Always watch the watchers.

[In a flashback, Tony is talking to Gibbs over the phone. Gibbs' cell rings in the background]
Tony: You need to get that?
Gibbs: No. My wife.
[...]
Gibbs: [phones rings again] Ah, I gotta get this one.
Tony: Is that your wife again?
Gibbs: Divorce lawyer.

Tony: Maybe being a cop isn't for me. [Gibbs smacks Tony on the head, to his surprise] Did you just physically assault me?
Gibbs: I don't have a lot of rules, but rule number five is 'you don't waste good.' You're good.
Tony: You gonna make a habit of that?

Tony: [talking about Gibbs, in flashback] Who'd wanna be a navy cop? I'd rather have the plague.

Swan Song [8.23][edit]

Franks: Who the hell are all these people?
Abby: Oh. These are the new guys! Gibbs didn't tell you?
Franks: Man of few words.
Abby: I've noticed.

Ziva: There is always another monster.
Tony: Yep.
Ziva: I mean, we pursue them, but we just keep making targets of ourselves.
Tony: Better us than someone who didn't sign up for it.
Ziva: I don't think I can take anymore. [steps into Tony's arms]
Tony: Hey, we're going to get him, okay?
[Elevator door opens to reveal Abby and McGee hugging]
Tony: [motions with his arm] Bring it in.
[Abby and McGee join Tony and Ziva for a group hug]

Gibbs: Seaman Derek Balfour.
Franks: Sweet merciful crap, man. Am I really supposed to remember all these names?!?

Pyramid [8.24][edit]

EJ: Why didn't he kill me? I was fighting like hell, but why didn't he do it right there?
Tony: You were a message, not a victim. Consider yourself lucky.
EJ: Levin's dead. Cade may not make it. They were my responsibility. Where exactly is the luck in that? You think Gibbs would have let Cobb leave Europe? You think any of this would have happened if anybody else had been leading the case.
Tony: Stop beating yourself up. We've all lost people in the field. You're a good agent.
EJ: Am I?

Ziva: I know what it's like to lose a team member, especially one you care deeply for. You learn there is no rhyme or reason to dying, good or bad it's just completely out of your hands.
EJ: Agent Levin died because I screwed up.
Ziva: No, Agent Levin died because it was his time. There was nothing you could do about it.

Tony: What do you mean the security camera's not working?
McGee: I told you, Tony, the system's down all over the hotel. It has been for days.
Tony: Isn't that illegal?!
Gibbs: Same M.O.: no fingerprints, the place has been wiped clean.
Tony: How could she just walk out of here and nobody notices?
EJ: Tony.
Tony: Sorry.
EJ: We're all worried about Ziva.
Tony: I know. It's just different for some of us.
(EJ stares at him)

EJ: [looking at Cobb sitting in interrogation] This isn't right. It's too easy.
Tony: He knows where Ziva is. There's nothing easy about it.
EJ: Cobb's playing us.
Tony: Playing Leroy Jethro Gibbs? The guy must have a death wish.
EJ: What does he want?
Tony: Rule 16: If someone thinks they have the upper hand, break it.

Ducky: 'Cause he's no longer about method or clue-trail gamemenship, Mr. Palmer. It's about hurting those responsible for putting him in this situation.
Palmer: Situation?
Gibbs: Operation: Frankenstein.

Vance: Good morning, Mr. Secretary.
Davenport: Like hell it is, Leon. This better be damn important!
Gibbs: Agent's dead. Another critical. I don't know how much more important it can get.

Franks: [Gibbs reads a letter from Franks] Too many years of lighting up finally caught up with me, probie.For 3 decades, I outran every bullet aimed at me. Can't out run this - not with this lungs. Only got a few months left to go. And I plan to live 'em.
Gibbs: Never one to dissapoint. Were you, Mike?

Jarvis: Director Vance, I'm authorizing Agent DiNozzo access to sensitive compartmental information commensurate with a black op. None of your other team members need to know, is that clear?
Vance: Actually Clay, I'm a little concerned.
Jarvis: So an agent is selling top secret information. And they'll need to be dealt with appropriately.
Vance: Mr. Secretary, I'd like to discuss this first.
Jarvis: There's nothing else to talk about... If you are uncomfortable with this, Agent DiNozzo and I can do it without you. [Sec Nav hands DiNozzo a file] Take a look. That's who you're handling. Do whatever it takes. Any questions?

Season 9[edit]

Nature of the Beast [9.1][edit]

Ziva: I do not know what you are investigating, and I do not need to know, but ever since we lost Levin and Franks and EJ left, NCIS has been through a lot. We have been through a lot. We need some time.
Tony: We. As you in you and me?
Ziva: That's not what I meant.
Tony: Well what did you mean then, Ziva?
Ziva: All I'm saying is, look out for yourself. Please.

Abby: [watching footage of Tony in the bullpen] Okay, he starts to turn the picture over. There!
McGee: Go two frames back. See, that looks like a woman to me.
Abby: No, it doesn't. It looks like a hairy pirate with a mustache!
McGee: You mean Tony's assignment is to kill Johnny Depp?
Ziva: I like Johnny Depp.
Abby: This isn't working.
Ziva: It is too grainy. I cannot see anything.
McGee: I don't feel comfortable doing this.
Abby: I know. We're spying. On family.
Ziva: Well, sometimes we must cross boundaries to protect those we care about.
McGee: Well, hypothetically, what if Ray was Tony's target?
Ziva: Okay, though I am confident it is not Ray, we should prepare ourselves for the unexpected.
McGee: I hope it isn't anyone we know.

Ducky: Mr. Palmer, what do you suppose the SecNav is saying to him? [referring to Director Vance]
Palmer: Well, if I were him I'd be asking how to get blood out of a $200 white dress shirt. See, it's all about oxygenating the stain. My mother used to use club soda, but my uncle preferred Perrier with a dash of -- the incision. They're probably talking about the incision.

Rachel: Why do you think you keep getting involved with dysfunctional women?
Tony: [angrily] What?
Rachel: Well, the women you date are messed up.
Tony: I date all kinds of women!
Rachel: You know, I think you're drawn to them because you want to help them.
Tony: I am drawn to them because usually they're pretty hot!
Rachel: Tony. Admit it. You like hot girls who carry guns.
Tony: Who doesn't like hot girls who carry guns?!

Restless [9.2][edit]

Tony: How old do you guys think I am?
Ziva: Physically or mentally?

Penelope's Papers [9.3][edit]

Tony: McGee's old man is the legend, right? Called him the Great Santini
Ziva: Wait a minute. He's a magician? I thought he was a Navy admiral?
Tony: The movie, Ziva. [Ziva rolls her eyes] The Great Santini starring the great Robert Duvall, who played the ruthless military pilot and brutal family man "Bull" Meechum.
McGee: Please don't...
Tony: [impersonating Duvall, who plays Meechum in the movie] "There's those that has got 'em...and those that don't! [...] Gonads, Son! Big brass ones!"
McGee: And there it is. [Ziva smiles]
Tony: Kinda makes sense that you'd end up working for Gibbs, McMeechum.
McGee: There are similarities.
Tony: He's got big brass ones. They're like bowling balls.
Ziva: That is disgusting.
McGee: Talking about tough love tactics, Tony. The venire of impenetrability.
Tony: The skill of turning one word into a rallying cry.
[Gibbs walks in]
Gibbs: Gear up!
Tony: [to McGee] I guess that's two words isn't it.
Gibbs: Is something funny DiNozzo?!
Tony: No boss! Grabbing my gear!

Ducky: [referring to the ringing phone] That's the third time in an hour.
Palmer: I know. I am so sorry. It will not happen again, I promise.
Ducky: There's plenty of time to turn off each other's calls once you're married, Mr. Palmer. I'd advise you not to start before you've even exchanged wedding vows.
Palmer: How did you know it was Breena?
Ducky: You're a man in love. I've been there many times myself. Though not much lately.
Palmer: It's just all this wedding planning stuff has us on edge. She's having a hard time making decisions. I'm just trying to help, and everything I say seems wrong. What should I do?
Gibbs: [walks in] Just give her what she wants.
Palmer: I have no idea what that is.
Gibbs: Welcome to the rest of your life Jim-boy.

McGee: If you don't want to talk to me, fine. But Gibbs is going to have questions and he's not going to be nice about it, trust me.
Penelope Langston: I think you forget that I staged a sit-in with Gloria Steinham at our nation's capital and spent seven nights in prison, or jail really. After the Selma riots in '65...
McGee: ...and three in Chicago after the '68 convention.
Penelope Langston: And I think I can handle this Gibbs person.
Tony: Genghis Khan couldn't handle Gibbs. You should talk to your grandson, Penny.

Penelope Langston: Agent Gibbs, I always knew my grandson would introduce us, but I could never have imagined it would be like this. You failed to tell me that he is so handsome, Timothy. Great eyes.

Gibbs: Go home, McGee. You can't be professional. Go home.
McGee: Boss, I won't let you treat her like that, she's my grandmother.
Gibbs: She's also the lead witness in a murder investigation. What do you want me to do? Needlepoint my questions?
McGee: Penny had nothing to do with Lieutenant Booth's death.
Gibbs: I never said that!
McGee: What are you going to do? Break her down until she cracks?
Gibbs: Until I am done, Tim! I don't like this any more than you do, I know she's a family member.
McGee: Boss, she means everything to me.
Gibbs: I respect that. This is about murder, a guy is dead. Enough! We find what was in those papers. We find Booth's killer.
McGee: And she's the one that can tell us. She will talk to me.
[McGee walks back into the Interrogation Room; Gibbs smiles and then walks into the observation room]

Enemy on the Hill [9.4][edit]

McGee: I think we should have waited for Gibbs.
Tony: No time. Sportelli said he was conscious. We don't know for how long. Now listen, when we get in the room you let me do the talking.
McGee: Why?
Tony: The Cooler has evaded the FBI for years. Getting him to tell us who took out the hit on Commander Brett is going to take a deft hand.
McGee: Oh, and that's you? [Tony nods] You didn't even know who The Cooler was until I told you!
Tony: Neither did Ziva!

Ziva: [phone rings] David.
Tony: Can Brett hear you?
Ziva: Yes, of course.
Tony: Are you sitting down?
Ziva: What is it?
Tony: Put on your most Mossad ninja face. No reaction. Brett is George Kaplan. They are one in the same person.
Ziva: [falsely cheerful] Oh really? So what's the plan?
Tony: Gibbs wants you to hang in there until we know more. Don't let him out of your sight, like you did last time?
Ziva: [laughs] Nice. Well, I'll wait for you to call me back then, sweetheart.
Tony: Good luck.

Safe Harbor [9.5][edit]

Ziva: Doesn't he know they do not take the trash out on weekends?! Why does he order the same stinky take-out from the same stinky place?!
McGee: Because it's the only place open on Saturday at 2am.
Tony: He's working weekends. Did he call you guys over the weekend too?
McGee & Ziva: Twice.
Tony: About work that we could've done today.
McGee & Ziva: Yeah!
McGee: Isn't 16 hours a day enough for him? Don't get me wrong. I love my work. I'm just not married to it you know.
Tony: Wait. I think I have a solution!
Ziva: What? A pet for Gibbs? A new hobby?
Tony: A new woman.
[While Tony is speaking, CGIS agent Abigail Borin walks in]
Borin: That is the last thing he needs. Grab your gear!

Tony: I think Gibbs and Borin make a great couple. Just think of all the fun they'd have giving each other head slaps.
Ziva: Head slaps are not very romantic Tony.
Tony: They can be. In the right context.
[...]
Tony: Ducky, what do you think? Gibbs and Borin, date mate material?
Ducky: Given their combined work ethics, they'd probably never see each other. Which could be a recipe for the world's shortest courtship or extreme longevity.
Tony: So nobody's with me on Team Bibbs?
Borin: [walks in] No.
Tony: We can change the name.
Borin: I should change the subject DiNozzo.
Tony: At least let him grill you a steak in his fireplace while watching black-and-white television. [Borin laughs] It's more charming than you think.
Borin: I'll pass.

McGee: Tony, don't take this the wrong way but you smell like the hot cheerleader in my high school homeroom.
Borin: That White Diamond DiNozzo?
Tony: Farid spilled his laundry detergent all over the place. I got some on my pants...
[...]
[Borin is wiping Tony's bum]
McGee: Let me call Abby and see if she's got something to remove that.
[Vance suddenly walks in to everyone's surprise]
Vance: Special Agents Borin and DiNozzo, please stop doing whatever it is you're doing.
Tony: We were just..er..reexamining the very special bond between the Navy and the Coast Guard, sir.

Abby: No. You're never going to find the perfect woman for Gibbs.
McGee: How do you know?
Abby: Because he's already found her.
McGee: His first wife. That doesn't mean we can't still try, right?
Abby: It's futile.

Mariam Bawali: You have the wrong man, Ziva.
Ziva: No, you have the wrong man! This journey for freedom is nothing but a way for him to enter this country by using you and your sons!
Mariam: I have lived with him for thirty years. I love him! Nothing changes that.
Ziva: [places a photo of a bombing on the table] This. This changes it.
Mariam: No. No, I don't believe it.
Ziva: Then you are lying to yourself! I mean, you have to know the truth deep down. I mean, you must! Yet you allow him to lie to you. To your children.
Mariam: I am protecting my children.
Ziva: They will resent you for it, Mariam.
Mariam: Perhaps I had suspicions, but have you never turned a blind eye on someone you love?
Ziva: Yes, and it was a mistake.

Tony: Is it possible we've done something right for Gibbs? What if it upsets the space-time continuum and sends the earth hurtling towards the sun?
[Gibbs walks to his desk]
Tony: Boss, we found the perfect woman for you and we would like you to ask her out.
Gibbs: Who? [points to screen] Dusty? Nice lady. Great cook.
Tony: [stares at Gibbs] Did you read that on the screen?
Gibbs: No. I dated her.
McGee: So what was wrong with her, Boss?
Gibbs: Nothing. She's perfect.
Borin: Perfect. What happened?
Gibbs: There's nothing more boring than perfect. [laughs, they all stare at him]

Gibbs: Ziva, sometimes people do the wrong things for the right reasons.
Ziva: People always think the wrong reasons are right. Especially parents.
Gibbs: Well, they've got perspective.
Ziva: Parents still make mistakes.
Gibbs: Yeah.
Ziva: My mother never told me what kind of man my father was. Perhaps she thought I was not strong enough to handle it.
Gibbs: Nah, she's just being a mother.
Ziva: How do you know?
Gibbs: Perspective.
Ziva: Are you lonely, Gibbs?
Gibbs: You're never alone when you have kids. [kisses Ziva's forehead] 'Night, kid.

Thirst [9.6][edit]

Ziva: Ugh.
Tony: You know it's too early when there's no one even here to make coffee.
Ziva: Does that mean you made some?
Tony: Oh yeah, and I made some nice muffins too. Get 'em while they're piping hot.
Ziva: You should have got some on the way in.
Tony: Who had the time? I got the pre-dawn wake-up call after a 2:00 A.M. night, no less.
McGee: Anyone know what's up?
Tony: Oh hey, Timmy. Yeah, Gibbs wants to get a jump on Jimmy's bridal registry. Ziva's thinking his and hers salad tongs.
Ziva: At the moment I can think of nothing but coffee.

McGee: The victim is a naval reservist. Lieutenant Jason Simms, 44, from Fairfax. Witnesses say he was swerving all over the road, clearly drunk, pulled off onto the shoulder over there.
Gibbs: Did you get a time?
McGee: A little over three hours ago.
Ducky: Tony? [holds man's wristwatch up so Tony can take a photograph] 4:19 to be precise. The truck tapped his wrist, apparently.
Ziva: Being drunk is one thing, but why would he have crossed the road?
Tony: Suppressing chicken joke in three, two --

Tony: [speaks to woman delivering office mail] Hey there, Jen. You know, you are doing a great job. Keep it up you'll be a special agent in no time.
McGee: A little young, Tony.
Tony: Ease up, Nanny McPheeble. I'm just giving the kid a little vote of confidence.
Ziva: Yeah, McGee. If Tony was flirting he would be complimenting her blouse, not her work ethic.
Tony: See? Ziva knows.
Ziva: What we just witnessed here was a pathetic attempt to cultivate new sources for office gossip.
Tony: That is completely unfair!
Gibbs: Life isn't fair, DiNozzo. That's why we're here.

Devil's Triangle [9.7][edit]

Ziva: What is going on?
Tony: I found fifteen hairs in my shower drain this morning. I tell you this because you're my friends and I need you. For twelve years, every morning I have counted the hairs in my drain and there have never been more than five. Never more than five. Never!
McGee: Every day?
Ziva: For the last twelve years?
Tony: You say that like it's not normal.
Ziva: Well that is because it's not normal.
Tony: What's not normal is a man of my vim and vigor going bald!
Ziva: Well, bald can be sexy.
Tony: Sure, if you're Connery or Nicholson. Would you date a bald man?
Ziva: I have dated men with thinning hair, yes.
Tony: Haha! Thinning hair, but not -- [makes squeaky noise] -- Baldy McBald. Hi, Special Agent Baldy McBald, want to go to Mount Baldy this weekend to do bald things? Bald!!
McGee: Tony, you're not going bald.
Tony: Says the man with emerging androgenetic elevation.

Ziva: You two are being ridiculous. Everyone's hair thins. It's barely noticeable! It's not like you're going gray. [realizes Gibbs is standing behind her]
Tony: I'm so glad that wasn't me.
Ziva: [to Gibbs] Gray can be sexy. [watches as Gibbs walks away to answer his phone and shoots Tony a dirty look]
Tony: [whispers] Lucky.

Fornell: Look, we're not your "personal body-cop-investigative servers".

[Gibbs, Fornell and Diane are in the NCIS headquarters conference room]
Diane: Victor and I have a good relationship.
[Gibbs quietly smirks to himself]
Diane: He knows how to treat a woman. [Fornell looks at Gibbs] He's not afraid to show emotion like some people.
Fornell: [sarcastically to Gibbs] She talking about us?
Diane: He's not some immature child that relates better to guns than to people.
Gibbs: [hands up] Ok ok. We get it.
[...]
[Gibbs pauses the conversation and swings open the door to reveal a stunned Tony, Ziva and McGee eavesdropping]

[Gibbs and Fornell are interrogating Victor Sterling when Diane barges in]
Victor: [relieved] Diane, I am so glad to see you!
Diane: [angrily] You get the hell away from me! $2 million and I've been worrying about how to pay the mortgage?!
[Victor looks to Gibbs and Fornell for help]
Gibbs: You're on your own.

Diane: Would you tell Tobias that I never meant to hurt him?
Gibbs: Oh yeah. He knows. I think.
Diane: I really liked him, but I never should have married him. I didn't love him. Just like you never loved me.
Gibbs: I liked you. I still do.
Diane: But the only woman you'll ever love is Shannon. You were my Shannon, Leroy. [walks away]

Engaged (Part 1) [9.8][edit]

[dream sequence]
Gibbs: [rolls over in bed to hug Shannon] Looks like morning happened again.
Shannon: What's the plan today?
Gibbs: I'm thinking of going to the hardware store.
Shannon: Have they invented a tool you don't have in that basement of yours?
Gibbs: [smiles] I need supplies.
Shannon: [laughs] That's what I like to hear. I love it when you start something new. What do you have in mind?
Gibbs: I'll let the wood tell me.
Shannon: I hope the wood says rolltop desk. [moves to get out of bed]
Gibbs: [pulls her back] I changed my mind. I'll stay in bed all day with you. The hardware store will be there tomorrow.
Shannon: How are you going to get what you need if you don't let me go?
[Gibbs wakes up on the couch to an empty home]

Ziva: Something's on your mind. I can see your wheels churning.
Tony: Butter churns, David. Wheels turn.
McGee: The witnesses on the ground are telling the same story. There was an explosion and the plane began an immediate descent. [notices Tony's seriousness] What's with him?
Ziva: He's thinking.
Tony: This isn't the case du jour, you know. This is life calling collect saying, "Hey, I'm short. Appreciate me."

Palmer: Perhaps it's time we took a little rest.
Ducky: We will rest when we are dead. Until then, consider John Paul Jones.
Palmer: The Led Zeppelin bassist?
Ducky: No, the naval hero of the American Revolution. He was almost forgotten when he was buried in Paris is 1792. Over a century later President Theodore Roosevelt went to great lengths to locate Jones, exhume his body, and bring him back to America.
Palmer: Home.
Ducky: Precisely. We take great solace in knowing where our heroes are buried.

Gibbs: There. Isolate the background.
Tony: What is that, Farsi?
Ziva: It's Pashtu.
Tony: Number nine on the David language list? Our very own beauty of Berlitz?
Ziva: I think of Pashtu as more of number seven, actually.

Engaged (Part 2) [9.9][edit]

Tony: I hate libraries.
McGee: Another one of your fears?
Tony: Don't mock me.
McGee: What's to hate about libraries?
Tony: The smell gets me every time.
McGee: Yeah? What does a library smell like?
Tony: Lonely, smart people. [laughs]

Gibbs: People died because of that teacher, marines. What do you think should happen to her?
Lt. Flores: Sir, that's not my decision.
Gibbs: Yeah, but you've thought about it, right?
Lt. Flores: She should be held accountable for her crimes.
Gibbs: Oh.
Lt. Flores: She should watch those girls change the world in positive ways she never imagined.
Gibbs: That a punishment?
Lt. Flores: That's a gift, Sir. Punishment is knowing she could have done the same.

Sins of the Father [9.10][edit]

Gibbs: [deadpan] Dorney, if he gives you any trouble, shoot him.
[DiNozzo Sr looks at Agent Dorneget in shock]
Dorneget: [confused] He's joking. I think.

Tony: How did it go with my father last night? Where is he?
Gibbs: Autopsy.
Tony: [deadpan] You shot him. [Gibbs looks at him] I can't say I blame you.

LCDR Stephanie Mosner: You guys obviously put the fear of God into Lt Dennis. [Gibbs looks surprised] His lawyer called last night. He wants to make a deal.

Tony: Hey, Abs. Gibbs sent me down to find out what you found out.
Abby: What are you talking about?
Tony: You know, that thing you're working on for him.
Abby: Tony, I'm not telling you anything about your father's case. My lips are sealed.
Tony: [scoffs] Come on, I'm just doing -- [Abby steps in his way] -- I'm desperate, Abby.
Abby: I'm sorry. [hugs Tony] Now leave and consider yourself banished.
Tony: [attempts to step around Abby, fails, and picks up a test tube] What's this?
Abby: Your father's urine.
Tony: I'm going.

Newborn King [9.11][edit]

Palmer: I agreed to give her father a tour of NCIS while he's in town for the holidays.
Ziva: Well that is nice.
Palmer: Actually I thought Director Vance would nix the idea.
Ziva: You and Breena's dad do not get along?
Palmer: [sits on Gibbs' desk] The last time Ed and I talked was when I asked for his permission to marry Breena. He laughed. And he cried from laughing so hard. And he got really quiet.
Tony: So why is he coming here?
Palmer: Breena wanted us to bond before the wedding. She thinks the main problem with me is my job.
Tony: Autopsy gremlin.
Palmer: Yeah, if we could keep that kind of talk to a minimum while he's here...
Tony: I say it with the utmost respect.
Palmer: I know that, but Ed doesn't. He actually thinks I'm stuck in some government job which pays too little and requires too many hours.
Gibbs: [walks in] You are. Now get off my desk.

Gibbs: Abs?....Abby?
[Abby peeps from behind her file cabinets]
Abby: Thank goodness it's just you. Jimmy and his Grinch-in-law have been stalking the halls spreading ill will and yuletide yuckness.

[Gibbs and Ziva find a pregnant Lt Emma Reynolds in the fitting room armed with an iron clothing rod]
Gibbs: [flashes his badge] NCIS.
Reynolds: Yeah I've seen fake credentials before. Hand over your weapons.
Gibbs: There's only one way to get a Marine's weapon.
Reynolds: What'd you know about it? You a leatherneck?
Gibbs: Where do you think I got this haircut?

Reynolds: Listen everyone, I don't want any special treatment. I'm a Marine first and pregnant second.
Gibbs: Oorah.
Reynolds: Oo-right.
Ziva: Well I will gladly take the special treatment. I like mine with extra marshmallows with a little tiny spoon please.
Tony: [annoyed] Who do you think I am? Your elf??
Reynolds: Actually, I'll take one with marshmallows too.
Tony: Thought you said you didn't want any special-- [Gibbs looks at him] Extra marshmallows, coming up!

Abby: The snow is falling faster than my holiday spirit. There's a pregnant Marine being hunted on Christmas. Heaven and nature are not singing.

[McGee finds Ed and Palmer locked up in Abby's ballistics room]
McGee: How long have they been back there?
Abby: [smiles] Not long enough.
Ed: I can't hear a word they're saying.
Palmer: If you hadn't made that remark about her tattoos, we wouldn't be in time-out. [looks at his watch] I've got six minutes left.

[Tony and the suspect Veli Tupolev are in the interrogation room munching on Christmas cookies and staring at each other]
Tony: Ya know, Wendy used to make the most kick-ass snickerdoodle.
[Tupolev stares at him while eating a cookie]
McGee: I'm gonna start with a series of true or false statements.
Tupolev: [stares at Tony and McGee] What are you talking about?
Tony: Just think of it like lie detector test, with cookies. You just have to sit there and eat.

Palmer: How the hell would you know? They're trained agents. You might not respect me or what it is we do here but you've got to respect the fact that these people, my people, are risking their lives.

[Reynolds is about to go into labor]
Gibbs: Are you asking for special treatment, Marine?
Reynolds: Sir, yes sir, just this once.

Tony: So I guess you have somewhere else to be.
Gibbs: Yeah? Well, so do you.
Tony: I went. Sat in the car for about twenty minutes debating. I didn't go in. Decided to swing by casa de Gibbs instead.
Gibbs: Well, we all make our own choices, DiNozzo.
Tony: You think I made a mistake?
Gibbs: I think you made it twice now.
Tony: When I joined NCIS I knew what you expected of me: everything. Doesn't exactly leave a lot of room for the Wendys of the world.
Gibbs: You come here to blame me, DiNozzo?
Tony: No boss.
Gibbs: Good.
Tony: Family and job. Two different cups.
Gibbs: That's right
Tony: And if I couldn't fill both, that was my problem.
Gibbs: Uh-huh.
Tony: What if I can now?
Gibbs: Then get out of my basement. Man up and move on.
Tony: Like you have?
Gibbs: Don't be like me. Learn from it.

Housekeeping [9.12][edit]

Tony: You should cut yourself some slack, EJ. What's the saying? That which does not kills us makes us stronger. I think Nietzsche said that. The thing to remember about Friedrich Nietzsche, of course, is that he died in an insane asylum. That's probably not the best way to start a pep-talk, huh?

EJ: So much for my big plans, huh? What about your plans, Ziva? Beyond NCIS. Family?
Ziva: Maybe, someday. Though that day seems increasingly distant at the moment.
EJ: [holds up her coffee in a toast] To someday.
Ziva: Someday.

EJ: [looking down at a case of guns] All I wanted for breakfast was the coffee.
Tony: Now we're ready for a fair fight.
EJ: Always good to be prepared.
Tony: I've been prepared for months. With Cole on the loose, it's time to bring out some Connery, and I'm paraphrasing: never bring a knife to a gun fight.
EJ: James Bond?
Tony: Untouchables, 1987. Connery won an Academy Award for that.

Tony: You know, one of these days I'd like to actually meet someone who appreciates movies the way I do, or at least appreciates the way I appreciate them.
EJ: She does, Tony.
Tony: Who?
EJ: Ziva.
Tony: [laughs] Agent Ziva David believes that Pirates of the Caribbean is a cinema classic.
EJ: I'm not talking about movies, Tony. I'm talking about you. She cares.
Tony: What's the matter with you? We're co-workers.
EJ: Yeah?
Tony: We're teammates.
EJ: Uh-huh.
Tony: We have each other's back.
EJ: Exactly.
Tony: Huh. Surround yourself with people you would give your own life for.

Ziva: So, EJ is gone?
Tony: And safe, for a change.
Ziva: May I ask where?
Tony: Someplace quiet, with someone she can count on. Hopefully.
Ziva: That is the word, is it not? Hopefully. Even when you think you can count on someone, you often cannot.
Tony: Do I detect a blip on the Ray-dar?
Ziva: I would rather not discuss it.
Tony: Well, since EJ and I parted friends, Agent Cruz seems to have some communication issues.
Ziva: Yeah, and I'm losing my patience.
Tony: As you well should. [walks over to her desk] You know, you and I, we have a lot in common in that respect.
Ziva: [laughs] You think?
Tony: Oh, I don't think. I know.
Ziva: Well, then I am grateful to have someone in my life who is just as romantically dysfunctional as I am.
Tony: Agent David, do you really consider me to be in your life? [Ziva looks down at her mobile phone as it rings] No. Seriously?
Ziva: What should I say?
Tony: Say hello.
Ziva: Oh, Ok

A Desperate Man [9.13][edit]

Tony: According to Abby's GPS coordinates, the killer was standing over there. Can't see any footprints.
Ziva: Yeah, knew not to leave a trace.
Tony: Yeah, unlike some people. You know, I'm gonna start charging your boyfriend minutes.
Ziva: Please tell me you have not spoken to Ray!
Tony: Okay, I haven't spoken to Ray.
Ziva: Unbelievable! You're supposed to be on my side.
Tony: Now look. The guy's desperate. What am I supposed to do?
Ziva: Just stay out of it!
Tony: Tell me what happened.
Ziva: He does not appreciate me. There.
Tony: If I had a dollar every time a woman said that to me.
Ziva: While he was overseas, you know, we stayed as connected as best as we could. Trying to make whatever we had, you know, just work. Now he was finally back and, uh, we planned this -- this lovely dinner, but he never showed, Tony. I waited in that restaurant, alone, for three hours. No text, no call, nothing. [sighs] When I saw him next, it was the following morning, and then he just said he got caught up with work.
Tony: Well.
Ziva: Look it just brought me back to when I was young how my father could be. There was always something more important and I was always left waiting for a...
Ziva: There's someone there.
Tony: Yeah.

Tony: You know you should let McGee take care of that tech stuff.
Ziva: I can handle it tony thank you. Why is this thing not even turning on?
Tony: It's okay to ask for help, you know.
Ziva: Do not need help tony. I am fine.
Tony: Uhuh. I can see that give it to me. (gives tony her cell phone)
Tony: Listen don't beat yourself up. It's no way you could of seen it coming it's no way any of us could of seen it coming. You'll find somebody, someday.
Ziva: I'm not sure I want to. I don't think children and marriage are a part of the plan for me right now and I am fine with that perfectly, perfectly content with my life.
Tony: Content but are you happy?
Ziva: Are you? (tony hands ziva her phone)
Tony: Detective Buress.
Buress: Sorry I uh I know it's late I just needed to hear you say it in person. You guys got the guy who killed Mia?
Tony: Yeah it's over we uh apprehended him this afternoon.
Buress: I'm not asking how Agent Dinozzo Im asking who
Ziva: His name is Ray Cruz and he will never ever hurt anyone again.
Buress: Thank you for all you've done guess you navy cops aren't so bad.
Tony: Gee, thanks walk you out.
Buress: Yeah, yeah sure so how long you too been together. (Ziva laughs)
Ziva: Oh no were not a couple.
Tony: Just co-workers.
Ziva: And friends.
Tony: Yes, yes very good friends.
Buress: That's good that's uh real good you hang onto that you never know when your gonna need somebody to be there. Cherish each other that's all I'm sayin. Everyday.
Tony&Ziva: (They both look at each other in the elevator)

Life Before His Eyes [9.14][edit]

Tony: [standing at McGee's desk] This is definitely unusual.
Ziva: Unusual is the operative word.
McGee: [walks in out of the elevator] What are you two doing?
Tony: Don't play dumb, Tim. We're trained federal agents. We can see when something's up.
Ziva: And something is definitely up.
McGee: What are you two talking about?
Tony: The two computer monitors on your desk have been swapped. No one just up and changes their viewing angle. Something is up, McAnal Probie.
McGee: My monitors? That's what you're worried about?
Tony: We're not big on change around here.
McGee: Well I thought I would try something a little different today.
Tony: What makes today so special?
Ziva: We know that look, McGee. It is somewhere between melancholy and constipation.
Tony: Consternation.
Ziva: No, I actually meant that his mind looked clogged.

Tony: [going through the trash] This can't be good. He cleaned out his desk, too.
Ziva: [whispers loudly, having seen McGee approach] Albatross! Albatross! [moves quickly to the large monitor, as though working]
Tony: Petty Officer Janet McCaffrey had a spotless record.
Ziva: Two deployments on two different ships: the Ontario and the Gentry.
McGee: [looking on suspiciously] So it's finally happened: you two are snooping together, as a team.
Ziva: We are merely curious and concerned.
Tony: Well, it's nothing you need to know about.

Tony: Computer monitors, clandestine meetings in Vance's office; you're up to something, McDevious. I can tell. Wait a second! Are you finally getting that sex change operation? Good for you, McGee. Or is it McShe? No judgement! I'm proud of you.
McGee: Look, Director Vance offered me a job promotion, okay? As head of the cyber division in Okinawa.
Tony: That's it?
McGee: Yes.
Tony: Well everybody knows that, Tim. Good for you. It's fantastic. You've gotta take that opportunity. The last cyber agent? He's at Microsoft now.
McGee: Yeah, as head of security. The guy's a rockstar.
Tony: Let's not get carried away.
McGee: Why are you being so normal about all this? Your sincerity is disconcerting.
Tony: You prefer I attack you with some kind of sarcastic, hostile remark?
McGee: Sort of, yeah. What do I do?
Tony: It's your choice, but I'd trust my gut. It's what Gibbs would do.

Shannon: Just think of all the cases, all of the lives you've touched, Gibbs. You sacrificed everything to help those people.
Gibbs: But I wanted both.
Shannon: It doesn't work like that.

Secrets [9.15][edit]

Ziva: [grumbling to herself in Hebrew] Unbelievable!
Tony: You finally saw The Crying Game?
Ziva: No. I got a speeding ticket!
Tony: Oh. You know what that means, McGee.
McGee: The system works.
Ziva: I was barely going over the limit!
McGee: Let me see. [takes the ticket from Ziva's outstretched hand] It says you were doing 80 in a 40.
Ziva: Not the entire time.
Tony: Did you tell them you were a federal agent?
Ziva: Excuse me?
Tony: Well, sometimes if they know they look the other way. [flahes badge] Oh, that's not my wallet!
Ziva: You do that often?
Tony: With one notable exception, I haven't gotten a speeding ticket in seventeen years.
McGee: Or paid for parking at football games.
Tony: It's a gray area. Sometimes I even get my donuts and coffee for free.
Ziva: I do not think Gibbs would approve.
Tony: What Gibbs doesn't know won't hurt him.
Gibbs: What don't I know, DiNozzo?
Tony: Um, Ziva got a speeding ticket! [looks uncomfortable after receiving a disapproving look from Ziva] And I sometimes get coffee for free. But I tip big! All right, let's have it. [receives a smack]
Gibbs: Let's go. Dead Navy captain.
Ziva: Do you ever get the feeling that he enjoys being smacked in the head?
McGee: I'd rather not think about it.

Tony: Sorry, I'm just --
McGee: Really pensive.
Tony: Confused.
McGee: Why, because you made out with your ex-fiance today?
Tony: [scoffs] What are you talking about?
McGee: Lipstick. It's not your color.
Tony: [looks in the mirror] Eagle eye, McGee.
McGee: So what's the problem? She's divorced. You're single.
Tony: The problem is been there, done that. Crash. Burn.
McGee: That bad?
Tony: NTSB is still looking for bodies.
McGee: What happened?
Tony: That's a good question, McGee. You always ask the good questions.

Ducky: Sorry I was late. Been waiting for Mr Palmer to return from an errand. I had to leave without him.
Gibbs: What errand?
Ducky: Breena called. The wedding caterer they planned on using had gone out of business. The sobs almost woke the dead.
McGee: She pretty upset?
Ducky: [deadpan] She wasn't the one crying.
[McGee raises his eyebrows. Ziva laughs.]

Ziva: [to Tony] That is something Wendy mentioned about you. That you were one of the most honest people she knew. To others. She said the only person you lied to was yourself, which you do. A lot.

Tony: [looking at a heart] It's hard to believe they're so small sometimes.
Ducky: What's on your mind, Tony? You sound a little pensive.
Tony: I'm not pensive! What is it with everyone and that word? [realizes he's shouting] Sorry. I was --
Ducky: Would you like to talk about it?
Tony: You ever have something terrible happen to you and you think you've put it all behind you, but then the terrible comes back and it's more terrible than it was before?
Ducky: I'm confused.
Tony: So am I.
Ducky: Tony, it was very clear to me from the very first day I met you that you were a man in pain.
Tony: [scoffs] I'm sorry, I think you have me confused with someone else.
Ducky: No, your pain is as clear to me as Jethro's. He lost Shannon, the one love of his life, and you lost faith in yourself for so many reasons. Jethro coped with his pain by repeatedly marrying the wrong woman, thus ensuring that ultimately he would be alone and safe from heartbreak. You repeatedly chased the wrong woman. You're alone because you never did as you just said: put it all behind you.

Wendy: I lied to you, Tony.
Tony: About?
Wendy: Why I invited you to lunch. You were wrong. I was not trying to get information for a story. I invited you because I wanted to see you. Your turn.
Tony: Why?
Wendy: Uh, because we're taking turns and now it's your turn.
Tony: No. That is not what I meant and you know it.
Wendy: You want to know why I left.
Tony: I want to know why you said yes to me when the answer was really no. I want to know why you waited until the very last moment to tell me the truth. But most of all, my runaway bride, I would like to know why.
Wendy: Would it make a difference now? If you weren't so sad and so lonely you wouldn't even be wondering.
Tony: [laughs] Sad and lonely? You have me confused with Bosco. You like to see my little black e-book?
Wendy: Show me whatever you like, but it's not going to change what I see with my own eyes. You should tell her how you feel, whoever she is.
Tony: A) That's never going to happen, B) get out of my head, and C) answer the question.
Wendy: I left because I wasn't ready to meet "the one", okay? And you were the one.
Tony: That doesn't make any sense.
Wendy: Are you sure? Because from I see you've spent the last nine years avoiding relationships. I was just broken first, which is why I left my hero cop to marry a stockbroker who cared more about money than people. I wasn't ready to meet the one when we met, Tony, but I sent you that invitation because I am now.

Psych Out [9.16][edit]

Tony: Boss local LEOs outside say there's a woman outside who claims to be the victim's doctor.
Gibbs: Let her in.
Tony: Doctor Kate's sister.

Vance: I got a call from SECNAV.
Gibbs: Oh great.
Vance: No it wasn't.
Gibbs: Did somebody steal those golf bags?

Need to Know [9.17][edit]

Tony: [notices Ziva pacing] McGee, what's Ziva doing?
McGee: Memorizing her speech.
Tony: Speech?
McGee: Director Vance volunteered her to speak at a high school career day.
Tony: In what language, Vulcan?
Ziva: I can hear you, Tony. I do not need you making this worse. Back up.
McGee: I think you mean back off.
Tony: Why are you so uptight, Ziva?
Ziva: Public speaking is not my thing. It makes me nervous.
Tony: Nervous? What are you talking about? I've seen you take down armed terrorists without breaking a sweat.
Ziva: I'm trained for that.

Vance: You know, I envy you Gibbs. You don't have to put up with the politics. When I get the boot or drop dead in this chair, don't take the job.
Gibbs: [chuckles] I hear ya. Loud and clear.

Dorneget: Can I ask you guys a question? How do I get on Gibbs' good side? I would kill to be on his team.
Abby: Well, Tim would know.
McGee: Gibbs likes agents who are one step ahead, who anticipates what he wants one step ahead.
Dorneget: Thanks McGee.
Abby: [waves and smiles] Bye Dorney!

Ziva: [grumbles to herself] Why did I say yes...
Tony: To what?
Ziva: Career Day at Montgomery Prep. I'm still a little nervous and unsure of what to say.
Tony: Montgomery Prep is all-boys. You'll be standing in front of pubescent males with raging hormones. Wear something tight, they won't hear a word you say. [Ziva looks at Tony with dread]

Tony: I don't like Bayar's line of work but I'll tell ya, he's got great taste in women. She is smokin'!
Ziva: Obviously a professional woman, Tony. You think the Aston Martin was expensive, a month of your salary might buy you an hour of her time.
Tony: [grins widely] Au contraire, mon Ziva.

Gibbs: Dorneget! [Dorneget turns and looks at him in shock, Gibbs motions him over] Come here. Gear up. You're going with McGee.
Dorneget: Gear up? [Gibbs looks at him] For a field assignment?
Gibbs: I think you're ready.
Dorneget: But I need to be back at the evidence locker.
Gibbs: I'll handle it.
[Dorneget turns around to conceal his excitement but runs straight into Director Vance]
Vance: You all right, Dorneget?
Dorneget: Yes sir. [run to the elevator]

McGee: [flashes badge and ID] Special Agent Timothy McGee, NCIS.
Dorneget: [flahes badge and ID] Special Agent Ned Dorneget.
[The TSA officer in charge looks strangely at Dorneget, who realizes his ID is upside down]
Officer: You two are NCIS agents?
McGee: Yeah.
Dorneget: Yes, sir.
Officer: [in disbelief] You kidding me? I applied to NCIS twice, got shot down both times.

The Tell [9.18][edit]

Ziva: [On the stairs above the bullpen holding her cellphone, whispering loudly] Hey McGee, Vance isn't here either.
McGee: Uh, doesn't his son have a soccer game in Alexandria?
Ziva: No that is next week. Tony's ignoring my phone calls, and it is very unlike Gibbs to just disappear like this. [whispering loudly] Something is going on!
McGee: Actually, I think Tony said something about being on SECNAV's PSD today.
Ziva: That's probably a cover. I think they must be at some kind of..."Man Day". [McGee looks confused] You know, when men take a day to do "man" things together?
McGee: Really?
Ziva: Just because I am a woman, they do not have the courtesy to tell me where they are going, and when they are coming back!
McGee: [pauses] I'm a man!
Ziva: That's right! Which makes this even worse. [angrily dials her phone] I'm gonna call Tony again!

[Tony enters squad room]
McGee: [he and Ziva tail Tony] Hey, where have you been? We've been calling. What's going on?
Ziva: Man Day is over and he's still ignoring us. [follows Tony] I'm not going to be ignored!
Tony: Glenn Close, Fatal Attraction. It's a good one, Ziva. Your impression of a hot lady with crazy eyes is dead on, by the way. You are a, uh, sphinx of a minx. Game on, fellas, just like we planned it.
Ziva: Tony, do not try to talk your way out of this by calling me hot.
McGee: He also called you crazy, Ziva.
Ziva: I will unleash crazy on him if he does not apologize for leaving me out of the loop.

Ziva: I'm telling you, I saw bounce in his step and Elliott was sure about Ryan's pupils as well.
Tony: How am I gonna survive Gibbs dating a woman who thinks I'm a game show host? What does it even mean? Does she think I am cheesy, that I like pencil-thin microphones?

Ziva: Are you sure this is the place?
Tony: You know what happens if you don't trust the authority of McMaps! All right.
[Tony and Ziva prepare to search a van]
Tony: [whispers to Ziva] Be like Silence of the Lambs meets Scooby Doo.
Ziva: [opens van door] Freeze! Hands up!
Amanda: Do I look like I'm running?
Tony: Amanda Baylor, you have the right....to take a bath! You smell like a wild goat!
Amanda: I've been busy.
Ziva: Too busy for personal hygiene?
Amanda: When I'm focused, I'm focused.
Tony: [to Ziva] Well, McGee likes 'em gamey, but I'm not sure he'll go for this one.
Amanda: Ohh, I clean up nice.
Tony: Why don't you put the computer down and step out here. Let's go, Animal Kingdom, c'mon. [Amanda steps out of van]
Ziva: So, who are you working with?
Amanda: Ummm, I don't know.
Tony: Well, we know some stuff about the blackmail and about the AUTEC account.
Ziva: We also know that you are in cahoots with someone inside Wickes Steel.
Amanda: Ummm...
Tony: Did you just use the word cahoots?
Ziva: I did.
Tony: Nice.
Amanda: Alright, somebody hired me through Wilkes, but, uh, I don't have a name. Didn't want one.
Ziva: Was it Ridgeway? Did you kill him?
Amanda: I don't kill people, I hack! I really haven't left the van.
Tony: No kidding. Next time, hacker, why don't you crack a window?

Tony: Uhh no, Vance nailed you with the shredding detail, huh?
Ziva: Yes, from redacted, to unredacted, to recycling to... Tony, I have a question. Do you believe?
Tony: Believe in what?
Ziva: Uhh, well unexplained things, secrets, occurrences that we're really not supposed to talk about.
Tony: Uhhh. I believe that there are moments, experiences that someone like McGee with his trusty computer couldn't justify.
Ziva: When Gibbs left tonight, I thought I saw it again.
Tony: Saw what?
Ziva: The bounce.
Tony: I've been thinking about that. Boss don't bounce.
Ziva: You cannot expect a person to keep things bottled up inside forever. Can you? [they look at each other]

The Good Son [9.19][edit]

The Missionary Position [9.20][edit]

[Palmer enters the squad room wearing a trench coat and looking very excited]
Palmer: Excuse me, my friends, if I may have your attention please.
McGee: Looks like you're about to burst into song, Jimmy.
Palmer: Nah, it's much better than that.
Ziva: Why the coat on such a lovely day?
Tony: Holy full frontal, Autopsy Gremlin. Are you about to flash us your "Magic Johnson"?
Palmer: Even better.
[Palmer removes his trench coat to reveal his wedding tux. Tony, McGee and Ziva all look at him in shock with their mouths open.]

[Tony and Ziva are at the crime scene. Ducky and Palmer have just arrived.]
Ducky: [without looking up at Tony and Ziva] What have we here, Jethro?
Ziva: What we have here is no Jethro.
Ducky: [looks up in surprise] What??
Ziva: He's actually running late.
Ducky: Ohhh. [laughs] Here's a first.
Tony: [looks at Palmer, who's still in his tux] Sort of like wearing fuchsia and lime green to a crime scene.
Palmer: [embarrassed] I didn't have time to change.
Ducky: Perhaps those colors will raise the dead, Mr Palmer.
Palmer: Poor guy. He looks like a pretzel.
Tony: An a-salted pretzel?

Ziva: He and Jimmy are both highly intelligent and conscientious and...
Tony: Dull. [McGee looks at him] Are you kidding me? McGee's idea of an incredible party is a bunch of free corn nuts and an Xbox marathon.

Ziva: Agent Lisson is all the help I need. We work like peas in a poke, like yogurt and garlic, like-- [Gibbs gives her a funny look]
McGee: There's pigs in a poke and peas in a pod but..
Tony: Yogurt and garlic??
Ziva: It's a Middle Eastern staple.
Tony: [sarcastically] Which I'm sure we're gonna find in all the best Colombian restaurants. [Gibbs laughs]

Rekindled [9.21][edit]

McGee: The guy from United Equinox lied to us. Geek bastard!
[Ziva, Gibbs and Tony look at him in amusement]

Tony: A lot of things changed that night. I decided to become a cop because of a kid I almost in Baltimore but didn't, and that's you. For the first time in my life, I made a difference. I did something that mattered. And I've been trying to do that ever since.

Playing with Fire [9.22][edit]

Tony: Andiamo, bambina!
Ziva: Dove?
Tony: Gear up! We're leaving for Naples.
Ziva: [giggles] Naples, Italy?
Tony: Si. I'm going home to grab some clothes. You should do the same. We're hopping the military flight from Andrews Air Force Base.
Ziva: Is this one of your practical jokes?
Tony: Nope, Gibbs' orders.

Andre Fullerton: Shouldn't someone be reading me my rights?
Gibbs: You have no rights! You're a terrorist on a U.S. Navy vessel, and we're invoking the Patriot Act.

Gibbs: Not enough, enjoy Cuba.

[Tony, Ziva, and Burley have arrived back at NCIS, and are stepping out of the elevator. The squad room is full, with the entire staff staring at the NCIS Most Wanted wall.]
Gibbs: Listen up!
[He moves towards the top spot on the wall, Osama bin Laden, who has had a red line through his photo for the last year, indicating his death.]
Gibbs: For attacks against the United States Navy: Harper Dearing. [He pastes Dearing's photo over top bin Laden.] Let's go! We've got work to do.

Up In Smoke [9.23][edit]

Palmer: You guys, just give me one hint as to what Abby has planned. It is my bachelor party, okay? I have a right to know.
Tony: Sorry. She swore us to secrecy, and she scares me more than you.
Palmer: God. I think I made a big mistake making her my best man.
McGee: Relax, Jimmy. Everything is fine. Just make sure you're up on your hepatitis vaccinations.
Palmer: Hepatitis?
Tony: And get a good pair of knee pads.
McGee: And a good helmet.
Palmer: [laughs nervously] You guys are messing with me.
Tony: Are we? Two words.
McGee: Abby Sciuto.

Tony: I'm telling you, Ryan was there.
Ziva: So what if she was? I was happy to gossip when things were just getting started, but now that they are a couple I think we should just back off.
Tony: How are you not interested in other people's private lives?

Till Death Do Us Part [9.24][edit]

Tony: Please, who really likes weddings anyway?
Ziva: There's nothing good about them.
Tony: Weird uncles making inappropriate toasts.
Ziva: Rubbery chicken enhanced by cheap wine.
Tony: Cheesy music and children. Rental tuxedos.
Ziva: The bouquet, the garter, the cake --
Tony: The fittings.
Ziva: The fittings. The fittings! We're not even to the actual ceremony yet.
Tony: The vows.
Ziva: The ring.
Tony: The kiss.
Ziva: The ketubah.
Tony: I don't even know what I'd do if I had to deal with all of that.
Ziva: Elope?
Gibbs: Yeah, well, it worked for me.

Tony: [after having evacuated the Navy Yard] That's everybody. You go, Ziva.
Ziva: No, I'm not going without you!

Season 10[edit]

Extreme Prejudice [10.1][edit]

(Tony and Ziva are stuck in the elevator after the explosion)
Tony: [holding Ziva up on his shoulders as she bangs on the escape hatch] I'm so glad we broke protocol and took the elevator. Who's bright idea was that anyway?
Ziva: What?
Tony: Xenia Onatopp, the Bond villain from GoldenEye. Famke Janssen. She would kill men by squeezing her well-shaped, muscular thighs. [cringes as Ziva squeezes his neck]
Ziva: I could think of worse ways to die. [pushes on hatch] I am almost there! We're stuck!
Tony: Keep pushing, thigh master. I'm starting to enjoy this.
Ziva: Something is blocking it. It is jammed. They're going to have to open it from the outside. [slides down Tony's back as the elevator shifts] We slipped.
Tony: Did we? I thought the earth moved.
Ziva: You're sweating.
Tony: It's hot in here.
Ziva: I had not noticed.
Tony: Really?

Tony: How much longer are we going to be stuck in here? Hello?! Anybody!
Ziva: It's been hours, Tony. I cannot take much more of this.
Tony: What's that supposed to mean? I suppose it is getting a little ripe in here.
Ziva: I'm not ripe! You, on the other hand, are pungent!
Tony: [sniffs himself and coughs] Well, it could be worse. You could be stuck in this tin can with Miguel from human resources.
Ziva: [laughs] He sweats more than anyone I've ever known.
Tony: How about Jeremy from office operations? That guy. He's always undressing you with his eyes. I mean, he's fun, but a little creepy.
Ziva: Hey, what if one of those men is dead?
[They sit in silence but are startled at a knock, then the doors open]
Abby: [shoves the fireman out of the way] There you are!
Ziva: Abby, I've never been more happy to see your gorgeous face.
Abby: You guys must be ready to kill each other. I mean, I can't think of who I'd want to be stuck in an elevator with, except maybe Amelia Earhart, or Michelle Obama, or Joan of Arc, or the whole cast of Cirque du Soleil in case I got bored I could --
Tony and Ziva: Abby!

Ziva: Good news: McGee was released from the hospital.
Abby: [glum] Great. I'm sure he has a nice, big scar to show for it.
Ziva: Well, the doctor said it is not too significant, and maybe --
Abby: Maybe if the doctor had diagnosed Harper Dearing as a clinical nutjob years ago, then none of this would have happened!
Ziva: Okay. I see you are upset. I mean, we are upset too, but we're safe, and you have to focus on that. You have to focus on the good.
Abby: The good. What good? Harper Dearing took that away. First he goes after innocent sailors, and then he comes after us where we live. All I see is pain and destruction. I don't see good. I want good back.
Ziva: Abby, if anyone can find the good, it is you. I have no doubt.
Abby: What if this isn't over? What if Dearing isn't done?
Ziva: A terrorist is only as strong as the fear he creates.
Abby: Ziva, please. Kick. His. Ass.

Palmer: Doctor Mallard, I've been holding on to the body for the family. No one ever contacted us.
Ducky: Well, claiming the remains of wanted men has always been taboo, Mr. Palmer. Forensic historians have shown more interest in their bodies than family members. That's why John Wilkes Booth has always been a fascination for me. You see, his --
Gibbs: Duck, you're not here, remember?
Ducky: Yes, but I am alive, and until I am embalmed and buried there will be stories to tell, and I look forward to telling them.

(regarding the news that Harper Dearing still alive)
Ziva: Agent Fornell me asked to convey this message: Are you freaking kidding me?! BOLO's out.

Recovery [10.2][edit]

Tony: You can't tell me Midge didn't like me because I'm not a woman.
Ziva: Let it go, Tony. Midge liked you just fine, she just thought you were occasionally annoying.
Tony: Annoying? That's almost worse.
McGee: You're more like high maintenance. You know, always switching from the hip holster to the shoulder to the ankle.
Ziva: Changing from the Glock 17 to the 23 and then back again.
Tony: You know, what's high maintenance about that? I like a certain holster. I like a certain gun.

Gibbs: Things odd, Abby? What's odd?
Abby: The bullet that killed Midge. It's nasty. It's like way nastier than any standard .32 I've ever seen.
Gibbs: It looks pretty standard to me.
Abby: Yeah, but look closer. It's covered in mold spores, and old mold, like sixty years, which means it's a very old bullet.
Gibbs: From where?
Abby: Well, my first thought is this assassin from the past. He stumbles through a tear in the space-time continuum.
Gibbs: Or from somebody's old gun.
Abby: That was my second thought.

Ziva: You've barely spoken since we left, brilliant chatterbox.
Tony: Not feeling so brilliant, I guess.
Ziva: Well, if it's any consolation, your friend Judy did not seem the least bit spoken for to me either.
Tony: Vance was right to yell. I'm off my game. I've lost my focus. It's like half my brain is still stuck in that elevator.

Phoenix [10.3][edit]

[Ziva, Tony and McGee are talking to Gibbs about the victim]
Ziva: The most remarkable thing about him was how unremarkable he was.
McGee: And whatever the motive for his murder is.
Gibbs: You got nothing.
Tony: Sounds worse when you say it like that.
Gibbs: Not worse. Wrong. We got something. Got a dead Marine [walks past Ziva, Tony and McGee, who all look uncomfortable]

Gibbs: Tell me you got something, Abs.
Abby: I do.
[Abby puts a lei around Gibbs' neck and hands him a cocktail. Gibbs looks at her in bemusement.]
Abby: Much better.
Gibbs: I don't know where to start.
Abby: Well, it's just that ever since the "kaboom", you should've been walking around looking like Mr Sourpuss but I know that on the inside you're one of the kindest people I know. So I thought it would be nice if today your outside reflected your inside. I know what you did for Ducky. It was very, very sweet.

Ducky: There is evil afoot that must be cast asunder.

Gibbs: Okay, Duck. The fun is over. We can get you out of the bullpen now.
Ducky: I thought I might assist with the paperwork.
Gibbs: No, McGee can take care of that. The only place you're going is autopsy.
Ducky: Back to --
Gibbs: You've been cleared for duty, Duck.
Ducky: Oh, how wonderful! Back to -- okay. Well, I suppose I'll just be going back to autopsy. [walks away]
Ziva: [smiles] We are finally whole again.

Lost at Sea [10.4][edit]

Ziva: So you two did end up going out last night.
Tony: How did you know about that?
Ziva: I have hearing like a horse.
McGee: Hawk.
Ziva: A horse's hearing, McGee, is one of their keenest senses. Which is why you must "horsewhisper".

Tony: Maverick, Top Gun, McGoose.

Ziva: Let me guess, those movie trivia works with women in bars?
Tony: Well, something must. 'Cause Tim and I have a pretty fierce date on Friday night. [McGee nods in agreement] And I have to say, we are a force of nature.
Ziva: I see. So women are just waiting for this masculine force?
Tony: Pretty much, yeah.

Abby: You can stare all you want but a watched mass spec will not coil. He's also immune to wishing, hoping, willing, most forms of voodoo.

Namesake [10.5][edit]

[Tony, Ziva and Gibbs are discussing a victim who played basketball in high school]
Ziva: Where he was suspended for shaving. Why do they not want their players to shave?
Tony: Shaving points, Ziva.

McGee: Kris Taylor?
Alec: No...he's not here. Is something wrong?
Ziva: [sarcastically] Yes. It is 3pm and we just woke you up. Do your parents know what they're paying for?

Abby: [hangs up the phone] Grrrr this guy bugs me!!
Gibbs: Who?
Abby: Mr Vijay-I'm-a-billionaire-and-I-want-my-car-back-right-now Chaya.
[...]
Abby: You can tell a lot about someone from their car.
Gibbs: Yeah?
Abby: We can bust this guy if we want to.
Gibbs: Yeah?
Abby: Based on contents of his ashtray, he smokes Cuban cigars.
Gibbs: Abs, that's not a problem.
Abby: He wears $3000 Italian sunglasses and has Justin Bieber on his hard-drive! Can't we arrest him for that?!

Tony: How'd it go with your father?
Gibbs: No blood shed.

LJ Moore: How did you get her to give it to you?
Jackson Gibbs: I got a son who's a federal agent. Sticks his nose in other people's business. He's very persuasive.

Shell Shock, Part I [10.6][edit]

Tony: [as he walks into the squad room from the elevator] The sweet smell of recycled air, the hot glare of an annoying skylight, the weird whir of a broken fax machine, another day in paradise!
Ziva: [amused] Well, somebody woke up on the far side of the bed.
Tony: Actually, I sort of did, Ziva. [sarcastically] Thanks to my annoying new neighbors who kept me awake until 5 o'clock this morning.
McGee: Screamers?
Tony: The screamers. Third night in a row.
Ziva: I had neighbors once who never stopped fighting.
Tony: Not that kind of screamer Ziva.

[McGee shows Tony's old high school portrait to Ziva, who gushes over it while Tony looks embarrassed]
Tony: Ok, ok, have your chuckles. By the way, that was a very good look back in the day.
McGee: For a Bible salesman!
Ziva: Tony, if I were you I would burn that film because you do not want anymore of these getting out there.
Tony: It shouldn't have gotten out at all but it did, thanks to McSnoop Dog here. Now listen, give me that picture because Gibbs cannot get his hands on this, do you understand me?
Gibbs: [walks into squad room] Nice look, helmet-head.
Tony: Hey Boss. It is a transitional phase. You know, the 80's.

Capt Westcott: You serve, Agent Gibbs?
Gibbs: Scout Sniper.
Westcott: Then you know what it's like seeing your friends die and thinking you could've done more.

Ziva: Are you all right, Tony?
Tony: Can I show you something?
Ziva: Yes. [Tony hands her old photographs] Is this your mother?
Tony: Yes.
Ziva: Wow, she was beautiful.
Tony: Oh. I guess she was.
Ziva: How come you never talk about her?
Tony: I don't?
Ziva: No. No, you don't.
Tony: Hm. Well, I guess she was the first woman to break my heart, and I don't like to talk about things like that.
Ziva: You don't like to talk about it because you don't want to, maybe it causes you too much pain. So she was the one who took you to the movies, huh?
Tony: Yeah. Yeah, we would go to these dollar matinees. We'd make these weekend trips to the city and there was this this theater that she loved over on 42nd Street. It was pretty run down, but she loved movies. I think she loved the escape. This is the last movie we ever saw together, right before she -- The Little Prince.
Ziva: [smiles softly] "That which is essential is invisible to the eye."
Tony: Ziva David, did you just quote a movie?
Ziva: No. I quoted a book that was made into a movie.
Tony: [smiles] Huh.

Shell Shock, Part II [10.7][edit]

Ducky: Where is Captain Westcott, other than at the forefront of your mind?
Gibbs: He's headed home. Doc ok-ed me getting into the ambush and I pushed. Pushed too hard.
Ducky: It's obvious that you feel a grave responsibility towards this young man.
Gibbs: Ducky, I sent home plenty of Marines like Westcott. I knew their heads weren't right. I hoped that there would be someone on the other side to catch them.
Ducky: You had no choice. You had to stay behind. It was your duty.
Gibbs: I'm on the other side now. I tried to catch Westcott. I didn't, he wouldn't let me.
Ducky: And when do you take no for an answer?
Gibbs: I'm angry, Ducky.
Ducky: You can't fix the world, Jethro. But you can call the boy.

Westcott: Can't believe the old bird just let you shut the place down so I could concentrate.
Gibbs: Amazing what happens when you don't give the bird a choice.
Westcott: [laughs] You are a bad ass Agent Gibbs.

[Tony and Ziva are in the car on a stake out]
Tony: [cheerfully] Yup, well, I think the sun is virtually up so let me be the first to wish you Happy Thanksgiving. Gobble, gobble. [chuckles, Ziva looks to him in annoyance] How about the boss? Planning the big host this year. Turkey legs by the fire.
Ziva: [irritated] Shut up! I'm sick of you sitting in this car being nice to me!
Tony: [smiles] My deepest apologies.
Ziva: You're only being nice because you want me to tell you what you want to know.
Tony: Then tell me and I'll stop being nice.
Ziva: There's nothing to tell.
Tony: [sigh] Fine. I'll make it up. [loudly] He's a veterinarian.
Ziva: Stop raising your voice.
Tony: I can't be nice, I might as well be loud. Does it make you laugh?
Ziva: [laughs sarcastically] You're such a child. And then you wonder why I cannot talk to you.
Tony: So he's a hilarious veterinarian who likes the opera.
Ziva: Why do you care?! I thought we were past caring about these things.
Tony: Past them? Look, I don't care who the guy is. I just thought, we were, you know, telling each other things about things. The things that..you know, matter.
Ziva: Tony, there is no funny veterinarian. There is no one, actually.

Girl: Look, I didn't do nothing.
Tony: Lay off the double negatives. They confuse her. [looks at Ziva]

Westcott: He means how you got Hall and brought him back to us.
Patterson: [shocked] What? That wasn't me Captain. That was you.
Westcott: [to himself] I didn't run away.
Gibbs: You didn't run. Forgive yourself for the rest.
Westcott: I just wish it would've mattered.
Patterson: [to Gibbs] "The General" never ran from anything. [to Westcott] It mattered. To us.

Gone [10.8][edit]

(Ziva struggeling with a suspect and Abby hits him with a pan) Abby: Frying pan. It's a little cliche.

Ziva: (laughing) Works for me.

Devil's Trifecta [10.9][edit]

(Tony is interogating Diane, Vance enters)

Vance: Gibbs, the interogation is over. (looking confused) Diane just points at the observation room.

Vance: Right I should have seen that one coming.

You Better Watch Out [10.10][edit]

Shabbat Shalom [10.11][edit]

Vance: She's dead, Gibbs. My wife is dead

Shiva [10.12][edit]

[flashback to Young Ziva during Shabbat with her family] [sings]"Barukh ata Adonai Eloheinu, Melekh ha'olam, asher kid'shanu b'mitzvotav v'tzivanu l'hadlik ner shel Shabbat." (Jewish blessing for the Shabbat candles)

[flashforward to Ziva alone in synagogue] "Amen."

[Ziva is alone in Tony's apartment and Bodnar is coming]

Tony: Ziva there's a gun taped to back of my toilet Godfather-style. Use it!


[Ziva is watching out of a window; she hears the door open and immediately turns towards it, ready to shoot. She sees that it is Gibbs and Tony]
Ziva: [sighs in relief] You should have knocked.
Tony: I live here!
Ziva: Yeah, and you almost died here too!

Tony: At lo levad. (Hebrew, "You are not alone.")
Ziva: I know.

Hit and Run [10.13][edit]

On a fortune cookie, given to Gibbs by Abby: 'Today's new friend is tomorrow's family

Gibbs: [to Abby] The things you do mean something to people.

Canary [10.14]][edit]

Hereafter [10.15][edit]

Detour [10.16][edit]

Prime Suspect [10.17][edit]

Tony: Playing? Instead of studying?
Dorneget: Studying?
Tony: Yeah Dorneget. For your GS-11 exam?
Dorneget: What is that? [looks at everyone blankly]
McGee: It's a test that probies used to have to take to become agents. It hasn't been given in years. Gibbs is the last agent I know that took it.
Tony: Ah ah ah. The word is that Director Vance is reinstating that test.
Dorneget: You're messing with me.
Ziva: No he is not. I heard the same thing from Hollander in HR. I'm glad I did not have to take it.
Tony: Whew it's tough. [Ziva secretly smiles] Comprehensive, covers all the rules. Brigs, procedures, it's all in the manuals which you're gonna have to learn by heart. Here comes Vance. You can ask him yourself.

McGee: Listen, don't let him "probie" you.
Dorneget: What?
McGee: I've been there, Dorney. Tony's gonna pull rank.
Dorneget: I can handle him.
McGee: Watch your back Dorney. [gives him an ominous look]

[Tony and Dorneget are in the Bahamas. Tony is sitting by the pool at the hotel they are staying in, waiting for Dorneget.]
Tony: Dorneget, you're supposed to beat the senior field agent to work.
Dorneget: I'm so sorry but the front desk called me at like 3am.
Tony: Why?
Dorneget: They said I ordered a wake-up call. Can you believe that? It took me forever to get back to sleep and I guess I slept in. I'm sorry Agent DiNozzo. I promise it won't happen again.
Tony: It's Tony when we're on stake out. The idea is we're supposed to blend in.
Dorneget: Right.
Tony: [deadpan] Speaking of which, what in the name of Brooks Brothers are you wearing? You look like exactly what you are. A pubescent federal agent. [Dorneget fidgets, looking extremely uncomfortable]
[...]
[Tony is video-conferencing with Ziva and McGee who are back at headquarters]
Ziva: How is Dorneget doing?
Tony: [smiles] He is an easier mark than McGee. I pulled the old 3am wake-up on him.
McGee: Of course you did.
Ziva: [laughs] Give him a break Tony!

[Tony and Dorneget enter the squad room with their suspect]
Tony: Heyyyy!! The Double D's DiNozzo and Dorneget got their man!

[Vance and Abby find Dorneget studying NCIS manuals at the desk in the evidence locker]
Vance: Why are you highlighting those old manuals?
Dorneget: I'm preparing for my GS-11 exam.
Vance: We haven't given that test in over twenty years.
Dorneget: I heard you were reinstating it.
Vance: From whom?
Dorneget: [realizes he's been pranked] Agent DiNozzo.
Vance: Dorneget, you're being probied.
Dorneget: Yeah but Ziva confirmed!
Abby: That's because he did the same thing to her and she studied for three months.

Seek [10.18][edit]

Ziva: Anything new on the nanny front?
McGee: Not that I've heard. Vance's search enters its second week.
Tony: Which left his agents feeling like a gaggle of nuns waiting on white smoke from the Vatican chimney.

Gibbs: Nah, something's not right here. Sniper would target the dog before he would the handler. Dog finds bombs, saves lives. You take out the dog, nobody gets saved.
[Camera shot reveals Dex sitting and looking intently at Gibbs]
Gibbs: [looks at Dex] Why am I telling you this?

Squall [10.19][edit]

[Tony and Ziva are watching a weather report on a squall of the Atlantic coast]
Ziva: Where's McGee?
Tony: Maybe he blew away coming to work this morning.
Ziva: Maybe he met someone last night.
Tony: That's doubtful. That would be the reason I would be late.
Ziva: These days, my friend, I'm not so sure.
Tony: You've noticed.
Ziva: Yes! I'm quite aware you've hit a...um... dry spell, recently.
Tony: Like Lawrence of Arabia.

Palmer: So Agent Burley was Agent DiNozzo before Agent DiNozzo was Agent DiNozzo.
Ducky: That is correct. One cannot help but be confused by the Downton Abbey complexity of government bureaucracy.

Tony: Telling you, it was more than that.
McGee: Tony, you're letting your imagination get the best of you. Stan [Burley] was not flirting with Ziva.
Tony: Hmm...I noticed it in Italy last year too. [pauses, to McGee] Does Burley look burlier to you?
McGee: Stan's a good guy. Besides, he knows that Ziva is vulnerable right now.
Tony: Ah ha! That's exactly what I'm talking about. You see, he could use that to his advantage, swoop right in like a hawk going in after a sweet, innocent, furry little Israeli.

[Tony subdues a suspect who attacked Agent Stan Burley]
Stan: Thanks. You're too good to me.
Tony: Consider it an engagement present.

Tony: College campuses, always bring back memories, good and bad. Kinda like fathers.
McGee: How long have you been sitting on that transition, Tony? Subtle...
Tony: Between Gibbs, Ziva and myself, there's no reason to beat around the bush when it comes to daddy drop-ins.
McGee: [sarcastically] Yeah, because those all went so well.

[At NCIS headquarters, Gibbs interrogates McGee's father, Admiral John McGee]
Admiral McGee: [points at the one-way window] Who's behind the glass? Who's watching?
Gibbs: You scared he's gonna see you break?
Admiral McGee: My relationship with my son is none of your damn business.
Gibbs: You make him think he's nothing. You're the one with nothing.
Admiral McGee: [glaring] You will respect this uniform.
Gibbs: Answer the question!
Admiral McGee: This uniform provided for him, for his mother, for this whole family!
Gibbs: Why lie? Why avoid the truth? Why avoid your son?
Admiral McGee: [resignedly] Alright. [he sits down] Because I'm sick. No one could know. Stage 4. I wasn't feeling well when we showed up for the exercises. I knew Haber was top notch, so I transferred to the Borealis. Haber gave me something for the pain... but he knew what was causing it.
Gibbs: He was gonna report it to NAVCENT.
Admiral McGee: Doctor-patient privilege is a little different when it comes to national security. So that meant the end of my career.
Gibbs: It's motive to keep the commander quiet.
Admiral McGee: Gibbs... I've been a lot of things. I've been a lousy father, I've been a son of a bitch. But I'm no murderer.
[Watching on the other side of the glass, McGee is visibly upset, tears running down his face]

Chasing Ghosts [10.20][edit]

Berlin [10.21][edit]

Revenge [10.22][edit]

Double Blind [10.23][edit]

Damned If You Do [10.24][edit]

Season 11[edit]

Whiskey Tango Foxtrot [11.1][edit]

Abby: [telling McGee about Gibbs being out of town, looks at Delilah] Can she be trusted?
Delilah: I have a higher security clearance than any of you.
Abby: So did Mata Hari.

Vance: After what happened to SECNAV, I'm tempted to ground you.
Gibbs: After what happened to SECNAV, how can I stay?
[...]
Gibbs: [to Vance] You want anything from the Tehran gift shop?

[Ducky finds an unknown intruder in his autopsy room trying to tamper with evidence]
Palmer: [struggles with intruder] Call security!!!
[Ducky knocks the intruder cold with one of his aluminium surgical bowls]
Ducky: [grins] Who needs security? [scoffs] Tie him up!
[Later]
[The intruder is being held inside the interrogation room while Ducky and Tony observe from behind the glass.]
Ducky: [to Tony] I must say, our victim appears markedly smaller than when Mr. Palmer and I pummeled him into next week. Today we met danger head on and emerged victorious.

Tony: Sir, instead of wasting time what if I just hang around here, as a visitor doing purely visiting things. [holds his "visitor" ID]
Vance: [smiles] We could use the company.

Tony: [after Fornell explains that a terrorist group and some American companies are in cahoots] Gordon Gekko meets bin Laden.

[Tony, McGee and Fornell are sitting in the squad room when Gibbs walks in]
Fornell: How was the desert? They say it's the dry heat. [Gibbs flings his scarf into Fornell's face as he walks to his desk]
Tony: Welcome back, Boss.
Gibbs: What've we got?
Fornell: The usual. Went to hell while you were gone.
Tony: I've got sniper slugs in my living room. The Duckman found a rat in his lab. And, uh, there's a terrorist named Parso...
Gibbs: Yeah I know all that, DiNozzo.
Tony: Of course you do.
[...]
[Parsons walks into the squad room, to the shock of McGee and Tony]
Gibbs: Yeah, he's ok. [slaps Parsons hard on the back]
Parsons: [awkwardly] It's nice to see that you guys are alive and well. [looks at an unimpressed McGee and Tony] Look, I'm sorry about the––
McGee & Tony: I want my badge back!
Parsons: [Gibbs looks at him] Yeaaahh. I can understand that. Not a problem. [Fornell looks at Parsons in amusement] Now that the case is, uh... [sees Gibbs looking him intently]...dismissed, I'll talk with Director Vance about it.
Tony: [still unimpressed] Thank you, Dick.

Fornell: You know, I'm not gonna kiss you goodnight.
Gibbs: [incredulously] What??
Fornell: Why are you walking me to my car? We breaking up?
Gibbs: If I could I would but unfortunately I trust you.

Past, Present And Future [11.2][edit]

Under The Radar [11.3][edit]

Anonymous Was a Woman [11.4][edit]

McGee: [looking on as Gibbs assesses Agent Grady, to Tony] It's worse than we thought. She's applying for a full-time position. Criminal investigator. Gibbs is conducting the preliminary review.
Tony: [discreetly] What's the plan?
McGee: She's not gonna be as easy to chase away as the others.
Tony: [whispers] We can't let Gibbs know that she annoys us. He'll think we feel threatened.

McGee: Hey Abby. Ducky said you pulled some prints off our Jane Doe? Any luck?
Abby: [looks at McGee] Luck. Is that what you think happens in here?
McGee: No I just meant––
Abby: It's Tuesday so no backtracking.
[McGee is speechless]

[Gibbs confronts four armed angry Afghan men outside while Catherine and McGee watch from inside]
Catherine: [to McGee] He's gonna get himself killed!
McGee: [nervously] I think I may die of a heart attack first.

Once a Crook [11.5][edit]

Delilah: Think I've found something. So I was going through files on Wells' computer when I saw this on his web browser. [shows computer monitor with columns of numbers on it] I'm thinking it's some kind of code, unlike any I've ever seen.
Gibbs: That's not code. That's football!

Abby: [after telling Gibbs that she and Delilah broke the case] Don't thank me. This one is Delilah
Delilah: Oh no no. It was nothing. All I did was break the code in the operating system
Abby: Oh don't be so modest. Most people can't do that.
Delilah: Yeah but it was your idea, Abby. I mean, without your–– [Gibbs impatiently slams the Caf-Pow onto the table]

Oil & Water [11.6][edit]

[McGee's work station, including his desk, computer and chair, has been wrapped in plastic wrap]
Abby: We're dealing with a sadistic evil genius.
[Tony arrives at work and cheerily enters the squad room]
McGee: [notices Tony] I think you have that equation right?
Tony: [catches sight of McGee's desk] OH! What have we here! about safe agent-ing seriously. [chuckles] That's a little overboard McRibbed.
McGee: [unamused] You've had your fun Tony. Unwrap it.
Tony: Oh. Gosh. I'm flattered. But unfortunately, that prophylaxis is not the work of yours truly.
Abby: Then who's work is it?
Tony: Who knows? The Great Pumpkin? Headless Horseman? Perhaps the Ghost of Halloween Past? Mike Franks? Possibilities are endless.

Tony: [chuckles while watching McGee unwrap the plastic around his desk] Timmy, you fell prey to one of the oldest pranks in the book. Guess that's why the classics never go out of style.
McGee: [sarcastically] Lack of imagination and individuality? Sounds like your MO.
Tony: Don't be mad at me. I didn't do anything. You know what it is? You make yourself too easy of a target, McBullseye. You need to "keep movin'". Well, me? I like a challenge. Pullin' one over on Gibbs. That would be a feat for the ages.
McGee: [eyeballs Tony in disbelief] What do have, a death wish??
Tony: [impersonating Austin Powers] "I like to live dangerously."

Tony: [discussing the suspect with McGee] We live in a strange world, McGee. I miss the days when computer nerds looked like you.

Agent Abigail Borin: [Abby hugs her when Borin shows her a large cup of Caf-Pow] Oh...that is a lot of affection for some caffeine. Should come around more often.
Abby: Yes. I agree with that 110%! Although that's not numerically possible. For emphasis it totally works.

Gibbs: You ready to go? I'm driving.
Borin: No. After everything's that happened, I think it's the best for everyone if I just pull out of the case. It's fine. Look, I'm gonna call headquarters, they're gonna send in another agent––
Gibbs: No, Borin. I have it. My case, my call.
Borin: [looks at Gibbs] You pulling rank on me, Gunny?
Gibbs: A Marine leaves no man behind.

[Tony and McGee presented their prime suspect with evidence incriminating her]
Tony: [to the suspect] Christmas came early this year for the FBI.
McGee: [deadpan] Booyah.
Tony: [looks at McGee] "Booyah"??? What is that?

Abby: [notices Gibbs and Borin in her lab, excitedly] Gabbs! Gabbs Gabbs Gabbs!! [Gibbs and Borin look at her, amused] It saves time, you know....just go with it.

Gibbs: When you left the Corps, was CGIS the change you were looking for?
Borin: [shakes head] Not exactly. At least not at first. More like running away than a fresh start. [pauses] But eventually it became more....work started to mean something. I started to feel....
Gibbs: A sense of purpose again?
Borin: [smiles at Gibbs] You're good.

Better Angels [11.7][edit]

McGee: What is with you lately?
Tony: Me? [chuckles] Tim, you systematically eat my yogurt all week.
McGee: Well, if you don't want me to eat then write your name on it.
Tony: I shouldn't have to, Tim.
McGee: You don't deserve yogurt, you know that? All you do is bash people: me, the suit guy, Jackson.
Tony: [subtly sarcastically] Ok. I got it. Thanks for setting me straight. You are the wind beneath my wings. [drops a box onto McGee's desk]
McGee: [eyes the box and then Tony] What is this?
Tony: [grins] Oh, uh, case files from Metro. Other robberies in the area.
McGee: Yeah, why are they on my desk?
Tony: Uh, because I would like you to go through them and see if you can find any links to our homicide.
McGee: [in disbelief] Are you taking point?
Tony: I am.
McGee: That's insane. There's only two of us here and Gibbs will be back in a few hours.
Tony: Go through the files. Probie. [glares at McGee and walks away]

Sheriff: [about having to suspend Jackson's license] It's never easy. I know what losing a license can do to a person.
Gibbs: Well, if his eyes are that bad you didn't have a choice.
Sheriff: I'm glad to hear you say that. Your father told me you were going to get me in my sleep!

Jackson: No, that doesn't fly with me, Leroy. You say two words and you expect me to fill in the rest?

Tony: [on the phone] Here's the thing. Just 'cause you can name all the parts inside a jet pack doesn't make you Einstein.

Gibbs: Is there any right way to be a son?
Ducky: Just as there is no right way for you to act as his father. The pain of watching a parent age is unlike any other.

Jackson: The important thing was that we were both fliers. We were brothers up there. We were the same. We're all the same. We were fighting each other. [takes out the letter] Walter told me that he saved me that day because he wanted to remind himself who he was. He's dying and all he can see is the people he killed over ideas that weren't even his. He can't forgive himself.
Gibbs: It's not an easy thing to do, Dad.

Jackson: Walter, nothing can make up for the lives we took, we both know that. But what you did was more than you know. You made my boy possible, Walter. And he helps people, Walter, he's a good man. [to Gibbs] He's the best person I know.

Alibi [11.8][edit]

Abby: [to McGee after giving him a break in the case] Just because I make it look easy doesn't mean it is.

[Tony and Carrie Clark are walking out of the lift into the squad room]
Tony: [breathes in deeply and sighs] You always smell so great.
Clark: Let me guess, you missed the sexual harrassment meeting again this year.

Tony: You notice anything different about Carrie, Boss? No wedding ring. Told you the husband was a handbag.
Ducky: [looks at Tony, confused] Handbag?
Gibbs: [as he leaves the squad room] Something useless you hang on your arm.
Ducky: [chuckles] Oh.

McGee: [annoyed] Do you have to know everything?
Tony: Yes, it's in my DNA.

Tony: What's so funny?
McGee: That was Hollander in HR. She claims that she saw you this morning at the front gate getting off a city bus.
Tony: Yeah, that was me. Listen I know I made fun of you in the past for riding the bus but I have to admit I was wrong. I've been using public transportation and I really like it.
McGee: You're kidding.
Tony: No, I have time to read, make some calls and best of all, get to watch people. People are fascinating.
McGee: [bemused] Ok Tony. I'm---I don't even know what I am right know...but I know you and this is not you.

Gut Check [11.9][edit]

Devil's Triad [11.10][edit]

[Tony and McGee enter the squad room and watch on as HR officer Rhoda inundates NSA Agent Ellie Bishop in paperwork and forms.]
Tony: [grimaces] Rhoda!
McGee: Bishop's gonna be useless for the next week. [turns to Tony] Should we rescue her?
Tony: No. If you can't handle Rhoda, Gibbs is gonna melt her brain.

Ellie Bishop: [confused] What just happened? Did I do something wrong?
Tony: No, you just passed your first test. Rhoda from HR. [whispers] Legendary.
McGee: But don't get too kind. Still gotta take that polygraph.
Bishop: I have to take another polygraph??!
Tony: Uh-hmm. And then all you have to do is survive Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs. In case you haven't heard the man––
Bishop: [in a low voice] Is actually coming up behind you right now.
[Gibbs passes behind Tony and McGee and goes to his desk.]
McGee: [glares at Bishop] You're not supposed to do that.
Bishop: [crestfallen] What do I do now???
Tony: [smirks] You've made a friend.

Ducky: [enters crime scene with Palmer] It's been a brutal week. I have a chill I just can't shake.
Palmer: Me too. Anybody mind if I do some jumping jacks?
Ducky & Gibbs: Yes!

[Gibbs and Tony break into a hotel room with guns drawn to find Diane lying on the bed.]
Tony: That's funny....[whispers to Gibbs] That looks like your ex-wife.
Fornell: [walks out of the bathroom half-naked] Champagne first and then a little–– [catches sight of Gibbs and Tony]
[Gibbs and Tony stare intently at Fornell]
Fornell: Well, tie me up and call me Loretta.
Gibbs: [blinks] Wow.
Tony: Wow.

Bishop: So Agent Fornell was married to Gibbs' ex-wife?
Tony: [grins] Yup.
Bishop: And the owner of the second cellphone from our crime scene was dating Gibbs' ex-wife?
McGee: Yup.
Bishop: Phoah. That's quite a coincidence.
Tony: [chuckles] I know. It really is.
[Unknown to Tony and McGee, Fornell just came out of the elevator into the squad room.]
McGee: You know, it's hard to imagine the same woman liking Fornell and this Eddie guy. Although maybe Diane liked him because he's not Fornell.
Fornell: Best to leave the psychoanalysis to Ducky. If you value breathing.
McGee: [looks behind to Bishop] Bishop, you could've warned me.
Bishop: [innocently] You said I wasn't supposed to do that!
Gibbs: [walks in] Tobias, hey, what are you doing here?
Fornell: Just thought you might need some help. Diane's really worried. Just want to put her mind at ease.
Gibbs: [smirks] Yeah, huh.
Fornell: You shot me in the caboose. You owe me.

Fornell: I'm just sayin' that there's something different this time, maybe because we're ex's. [looks at Gibbs] You should try it. [awkwardly] I mean, with another one of your ex-wives...not this one 'cause...this one's taken.
Gibbs: [getting out of Fornell's car] Can I go home now?
Fornell: You are the worst advice-giver I've ever met! Don't quit your day job.

[Gibbs brings Fornell and Diane's daughter Emily into the squad room. Fornell is sitting at Gibbs' desk watching Diane confront Emily.]
Diane: [furiously] Emily, do you have any idea what kind of trouble you are in, missy?!!
Emily: Me??? You're the one who's ruining your life!
Diane: I beg your pardon?
Emily: [sarcastically] Uh, www [dot] youanddadsucktogether [dot] com? Or are you too desperate at this point to care?
Fornell: [aside to Gibbs] Apple doesn't fall far from the tree, huh.
Diane: How dare you talk to me like that!
Emily: You and Dad speak to each other? All you guys do is fight!
Diane: We do not fight! We are just very loud!!
[...]
[Abby walks to Gibbs' desk excitedly, unaware of Fornell's presence]
Abby: I cracked the suspect's cellphone. There are boatloads of juicy texts on there from him to Fornell's ex-wife.
[Fornell looks at an embarrassed Diane]
Abby: I mean, this stuff is kinkier than fifty shades of gray. You have got to come see this–– [catches sight of Fornell, Diane and Emily] Fornell, ex-wife, daughter. Oops.
[Fornell runs towards Abby's lab]
Diane: [runs after Fornell] You get back here or I will smash every computer in that lab!!
Abby: [runs after Fornell and Diane] Don't you touch my babies!!!
Emily: [walks up to Gibbs at his desk] Can I apply for asylum?
[In Abby's lab. Tony is sitting at Abby's computer, not knowing that Fornell and Diane are behind him.]
Tony: [grins] Heh. Abs, I hope you told Gibbs to come alone 'cause Fornell's head would explode if he saw these texts.
Fornell: Better get a mop. [Tony's smile fades]
Diane: Tony, if you value your life you'll turn off that computer right now!
Fornell: Touch that CPU and I touch you!
Tony: Can't hear you. I have a sinus infection. I have to go get my netty pot. [flees the scene]

Fornell: [angrily to suspect] So sit down, you walking midlife crisis!

Fornell: If you so much as touch a hair on my daughter's head, so help me God, I will find you and I will rip your eyes out of your face and shove them so far down your throat you'll need a proctologist to read the evening paper.

Homesick [11.11][edit]

Ellie Bishop: Are you ok, McGee?
McGee: Was just thinking about little Emma here and the Dalys, they must be so happy
Bishop: Yeah and I feel bad about scaring them the way I did.
McGee: You still haven't gotten over that?
Bishop: Well, like they didn't have enough on their plates without me suggesting a "targeted chemical attack".
Tony: I've done worse. [Bishop looks at him] And McGee? [points to McGee] He's...remember the time with the–– [McGee looks at Tony] I'm not gonna talk about it but it's.....it's been done. You just have to move on. You made a mistake.
Bishop: A big mistake.
Gibbs: Learn from it. Move on.
[...]
Tony: Leroy Ebenezer Gibbs, did we just agree on something?
Gibbs: [deadpan, retorts] Hey! Bob Cratchit, find patient zero, huh?
Tony: And a playful movie reference. It really is starting to feel like Christmas.

Palmer: I'm so not having kids.
Abby: Ok, Jimmy, that does it! [turns to Vance] Excuse us, Director, but something has gotten into Mr. Palmer and I would like to get it out now.
Vance: Well, don't let me interfere. [walks to the back of the room]
Palmer: Abby, listen––
Abby: [cuts Palmer off] No! You listen. You know what's infectious during the holidays? Optimism! Optimism is infectious. Optimism and joy...and joy and....
Carol: Kindness.
Abby: Kindness.
Carol: Courtesy
Abby: And charity.
Carol: Generosity.
Abby: And gratitude.
Carol: Selflessness.
Abby: Compassion.
Carol: Forgiveness.
Abby: Forgiveness is huge.
Carol: Kindness.
Palmer: You already said kindness.
Carol: I like kindness.
Abby: And faith, Jimmy. Faith. Faith is infectious. Life isn't always perfect, you know? But sometimes things will work out for the best if you just have faith.

Kill Chain [11.12][edit]

Double Back [11.13][edit]

[Tony and Bishop are talking while Gibbs is canvassing the alley]
Bishop: So we're looking for a bullet because....?
Tony: Clipped a guy. Could have DNA on it.
Bishop: Parsa's?
Tony: No, driver.
Bishop: Seriously??? How did you get that?
Tony: Well, it's like Gorillas in the Mist. You'll come to understand his grunts.

Abby: ["talking" to the evidence] Really, Benham Parsa. You think you can just leave us a note and run away? I know. How about I write you a note? Dear Benham Parsa, you can kiss my–– [Gibbs walks in] Hey Gibbs. I have things to tell you!

Abby: [hugs McGee] You're so...McHuggable.

[Dr. Rachel Cranston walks into the squad room and sees Bishop sitting on the file cabinet behind her desk]
Bishop: Did you know the agent who sat here before?
Dr. Cranston: [smiles and nods] I knew both of them.
Bishop: Well, you don't have to tell me. It's pretty clear I'm looking at some gigantic shoes....unfillable.
Dr. Cranston: True. But I think both women who sat there would say the same thing. When it comes to growing, there's no better place for a desk than next to these three. [glances at Gibbs, McGee and Tony's desks]

Monsters And Men [11.14][edit]

Bulletproof [11.15][edit]

Tony & McGee: Probie!!
McGee: When we call, it usually means you come to us.
Bishop: At first, "Probie" sounded endearing and cute. Doesn't anymore.
[...]
Bishop: This is all part of the rookie hazing thing, huh?
Tony: It's not hazing.
McGee: It's part of the job.

[Tony, Bishop and Gibbs are looking at crime scene photos on the computer screen]
Tony: But we did learn that in addition to dirt and tight spaces Bishop is also good with heights. [pulls up a picture of Bishop climbing up a ladder]
Bishop: [annoyed] This is more "hazing", I take it.
Gibbs: [matter-of-factly] Nope. It's all part of the job.

Palmer: Our birth mother officially signed the adoption papers today. All she has to do now is have the kid. And not change her mind.
Ducky: Oh...for heaven's sake.
Palmer: I just jinxed it, didn't I.
Gibbs: Ya think?
[Tony grimaces]
Palmer: [laments] I always do this! I always say too much! [hurriedly knocks on wooden table three times]

[Inside Abby's lab/office]
Vincent Honeycutt: [looks at Abby uncomfortably] Is there some place else I could wait?
Abby: Do you mean there's some place else you could hide? [Honeycutt fidgets in his seat] No. You're gonna sit right there and you're gonna think about what you and your company have done.

Bishop: Can I ask you a question?
Gibbs: Uh-hmm. Just did.
Bishop: You were a sniper. How did you do it?
Gibbs: Pulled the trigger.
Bishop: Right.... [pauses] But, what...what did you think about when you were taking aim?
Gibbs: Smoke checking the target, Bishop.
Bishop: Right, of course.

Delilah: Hey, since you're all here, I would like to thank you for taking out that evil coward bastard Benham Parsa.
Tony: [deadpan] You know, that was actually the name on the death certificate.

Dressed to Kill [11.16][edit]

Gibbs: What's on your mind?
DiNozzo Sr: Junior and I have hit another rough patch.
Gibbs: [chuckles] Ya think?
DiNozzo Sr: You've been more of a father to him than I have in the last twelve years. He respects you.

Rock and a Hard Place [11.17][edit]

Tony: Wow. Such a shame. Vintage '62 Telecaster.
Gibbs: [deadpan] Yeah. A real tragedy.
Tony: Yeah, 'cause... [looks up to see Gibbs glaring at him; smile fades from his face] The dead people are ashamed too...it's just.... [looks at Gibbs sheepishly]

McGee: [sees Ducky, Palmer and Bishop trying to secure the baby car seat in a car] How long have they been at it?
Abby: [sighs] Like an hour. I heard Ducky cursed and...I mean, well, I think I did. I'm not that familiar with British profanity...

Tony: [to Gibbs about a suspect's appearance] Check that out. Mel Gibson wants his hair back from Lethal Weapon.
[...]
Tony: We should still arrest him for that hairdo.
Bishop: Hey, what do you have against mullets?
Tony: It's the whole decade I have trouble with. The 80's, couldn't end fast enough for me.

Crescent City, Part I [11.18][edit]

Crescent City, Part II [11.19][edit]

Page Not Found [11.20][edit]

McGee: [he and Gibbs find Tony in the equipment storage closet] Tony, What are you doing in the closet?
Tony: [grins sheepishly] Finding myself.

[McGee and Tony are undercover as pest control specialists]
Landlord: Is this about animal control?
McGee: We're tracking a man who's selling illegal Mexican chinchillas. They breed with common house rats and their offspring are especially dangerous, violent. [Landlord looks mortified] Did he leave anything behind?
Landlord: No...no, no...in fact he was the first tenant who actually cleared, left the whole place smelling like bleach.
McGee: [looks at Tony] Bleach.
Landlord: Does that mean somethin'???
McGee: Dissolves chinchilla fur.
Landlord: Ohhhh. You guys...you're not gonna tear up the floor or anything, right?
Tony: [awkwardly] Oh...well...you hope not, but...sometimes...I mean...probably not.
Landlord: I mean, it's not Taj Mahal but no reason to make it worse.

McGee: I can't believe she convinced Gibbs to go along with this.
Tony: Not an easy task.

Bishop: You've heard of Amazon?
Gibbs: Yeah, the big one.

Tony: [to McGee about a suspect they're tailing] The Magilla Gorilla there? [...] [sighs] We're gonna have to catch that guy. We should've brought the elephant tranquilizer.

Partridge: I see you were the A student.
Tony: More like teacher's pet.

Tony: You ever see Tango & Cash?
McGee: It involve a conspiracy.
Tony: Yes it did, and this is FUBAR.

Tony: The punches were real.
Samson: That's funny. I like you.

McGee: Thanks to Jones, we're able to see local ISP access.
Abby: And somewhere the head of Leroy Jethro Gibbs explodes.

Troutman: Are there violent chinchilla babies here, too?
McGee: They were here, but we got rid of them.

Delilah: I know you and Tim are close.
Tony: [deadpan] We have showered together.

Alleged [11.21][edit]

Bishop: So this is some sort of competition?
Tony: No. Uh-uh. After McGee's recent emancipation from coupledom, we were talking making a fresh start.

McGee: You know what's funny? Give your taste buds a breather, suddenly vegetables become a whole lot more tasty.
[Tony looks across and sees Bishop eating her bacon and egg roll]
Tony: [sarcastically] Hilarious.

Shooter [11.22][edit]

Bishop: [after Tony notices McGee hasn't shaved] I think beards are sexy. [Tony gives her a funny look] Can an NCIS agent grow one?
Tony: [to Bishop] Not you!
[...]
McGee: I'm not growing a beard. [...] I went back to the doctor's this morning. She told me I have pseudofolliculitis.
Tony: Is that a Mary Poppins song?

McGee: [sympathetically to Abby] You can't solve everyone's problems. Some people have demons they have to overcome.

The Admiral's Daughter [11.23][edit]

McGee: An internet security seminar? You?? Am I being punk'd?
Tony: No. Think about it. Who do you know that surfs more questionable websites than yours truly?
Bishop: Not something to be proud of.
McGee: You've a good point. That's what you get for being a misogynist. What do you get if you kick a dog? A trip to Hawaii?
Tony: Death by Abby.

Ducky: [to Tony] The French do see arrogance as a virtue so you'll be welcome there. But remember, in France, only tip 6%.

Abby: Sometimes, I love my job. And sometimes, I have to crawl inside a giant septic tank.
Gibbs: Well, it could be worse.
Abby: How?
Gibbs: I'd have to climb in there with you.

[In the autopsy room]
Ducky: Your prognosis?
Palmer: It's not good.
Ducky: [sighs] I hate to lose a patient.
Palmer: Wait, I think I've found the problem. Looks like the system drive is full. [camera shot reveals Ducky's smartphone on the autopsy table] How many apps did you install, Doctor?
Ducky: [looks incredulously at Palmer] There's a limit??

Vance: If it were up to Admiral Kendall, he'd authorize SEAL Team Six to exfil his daughter.

Honor Thy Father [11.24][edit]

McGee: There's enough eye candy in here to send you into a diabetic shock.

Tony: [after apprehending a suspect nicknamed "The Snail"] Nice job, everybody. "The Snail" just became escargot. He's cooked.

Abby: So what, McGee, you don't check your e-mail anymore?
McGee: What? Did you send me something?
Abby: Yes, a satellite image!
McGee: [checks his e-mail] Abby, this e-mail just came through two minutes ago.
Tony: Two minutes is two years in Abby time. You know that.

Cal: Jackson Gibbs saved my life. I was headed down a bad road when he hired me. He said that, the world was bad enough as it is. You've got no right to...
Gibbs: [smiles]] ...make it any worse.
Cal: You know, no one ever cared enough to say stuff like that to me before.

[McGee and Bishop are in Abby's lab awaiting results]
Abby: [gleefully] Hairs, hairs, hairs!
McGee: [to Bishop] She really likes it when they're hairs.
Abby: I do, because a hair is worth a thousand words.

External links[edit]

Wikipedia
Wikipedia has an article about: