They Call Me Tater Salad
- I was flying from Flagstaff, Arizona to Phoenix, Arizona because my manager doesn't own a globe. We flew on a plane that big. Like a pack of gum with eight people in it. [imitates sound of a tiny airplane]. What happened was we took off from the Flagstaff Airport, Hair Care and Tire Center there. We're traveling at half the speed of smell. We got passed by a kite. There was a goose behind us, and the pilot was screaming, "Go around!". We get halfway to Phoenix and we gotta go back. It's a 9-minute flight...can't pull it off with this equipment. We had engine trouble. We lost some oil pressure and they take told us about it over the speaker system of the plane, which was stupid because they coulda just went [looks backward] "Hey, we lost some oil pressure." [gives a thumbs-up] "Heard ya! Sure did." It was weird. Everybody on the plane was nervous, but I'd been drinking since lunch, so I was like, "Take it down, I don't give a shit." You ever have one of those days? "Hit somethin' hard, I don't wanna limp away from this piece of shit." The guy sitting next to me is losing his mind. Apparently, he had a lot to live for. He goes "Hey man! [gasps for air] Hey, man! Hey, man! [gasps for air] If one of these engines fails, [gasps for air] how far will the other one take us?" [As himself]"All the way to the scene of the crash! Which is pretty handy, 'cause that's where we're headed. I bet we beat the paramedics there by a half-hour! We're haulin' ass!"
- The DeBeers people are almost saying what they really mean. You remember the old DeBeers slogan, "Diamonds are forever." Then they changed it to "This year, take her breath away." The new slogan is "Diamonds. Render her speechless." Why don't they just come out and say it: "Diamonds. That'll shut her up."
- [on vegetarianism] I didn't climb to the top of the fuckin' food chain to eat carrots.
- I get that Speedo on, it looks like a rubber band stretched over a head of cauliflower.
- Have you ever seen a healthy-looking vegetarian? They look like shit! They're all gaunt and yellow. After a while, their bodies become intolerant of other things. I'll give you an example: I was out to lunch with a comedian friend of mine, and later in the day he said, and I quote: "I feel nauseous and I have a headache. That soup I had must have had beef broth in it." Your system's kickin' back broth? You're a manly man, aren't you?
- I'd like to start off this show by asking you all a question, cause I don't know the answer. Does anyone know why a pair of sunglasses cost more than a big screen television? Does anybody know? I went to the Sunglass Hut to buy a new pair of sunglasses after I lost my pair. And I see a pair that I like. I don't love them, I like them. $309. So I asked the salesman, very politely, I said, "How do you sleep at night, you fuckin' prick?" And I told him--this is true--that I bought a 25" color television at Wal-Mart for $218. And he says, "Well, apparently, sir, you don't get it." "...I'm listenin'." "These sunglasses block 100% of all UV rays." "No, apparently you don't get it; this thing decodes a digital signal it picks up from outer-fucking-space!" Then I found out the glasses got basic cable and I felt like a dickhead...
- Ever take a crap so big that your pants fit better? I'm hoping that happens to me later tonight, 'cause these babies don't fit anymore. I'm hoping I'm one big turd away from backing into an old wardrobe.
- Yesterday, I was sitting on a beanbag chair naked, eating Cheetos, flippin' through the television and I saw Robert Tilton. He's a televangelist, out of Dallas, and he was staring at me. He looked at me and said, "Are you lonely?" [shrugs] Yeah. "Have you spent half your life in bars, pursuing sins of the flesh?" [Takes a sip of his drink] Man, this guy's good! "Are you sitting in a beanbag chair, naked, eating Cheetos?" [shocked look] YES, SIR! "Do you have the urge to get up and send me a thousand dollars?" Close! I thought he was talking about me there for a second! Apparently, I'm not the only cat on the block that digs Cheetos.
- They evacuated everybody from the (Florida) Keys and everybody leaves except for one guy who’s gonna stay there and tie himself to a tree on the beach, to prove a point; and the point was, he said, that at 53 years of age, he was in good enough physical condition to withstand the wind and the rain of a force 3 hurricane. OK, let me explain something to ya: it isn’t that the wind is blowin’. It’s what the wind is blowin’. If you get hit with a Volvo, it doesn’t really matter how many sit-ups you did that morning. If you have a "Yield" sign in your spleen, joggin' don't really come into play. "I can run 25 miles without stopping." "You're bleedin'." "Shit!"
- One time, I was watching a shootout live on CNN, and it went on for so long that the criminal eventually shot himself. And the cops are complaining by saying, "He's got on body armor, he's got on body armor!" And I'm thinking, "I can see his head! Shoot him in his fuckin' head!"
- You ever see tape of the Kehoe brothers from Ohio, those two guys that get out of that white Suburban, it's been on Cops a few times? Those guys, folks, have a shootout with the police, at point...blank...range—nobody gets hurt. I would love to have been at that office the next day when that guy's being interviewed by the police. "And then what happened?" "Well, at that point, I unloaded my semi-automatic 9 millimeter weapon at point blank range." "And then what happened?" "They...left." Nice shooting, Elmer Fudd. There was a kid in Detroit a few years ago, shot 8 bullets, hit 9 people. These cops fired 22 shots, didn't even hit the fuckin' Suburban!
- Some friends of mine asked me if I wanted to go to a strip club, and I didn't...want to go. But I ended up going, 'cause—back me up on this, fellas—once you've seen one woman naked, you...pretty much wanna see the rest of 'em naked. It can be an old biker chick, you know they're gonna hang down to here. "Wanna see my titties!?" "Yeah, I do!" [cringes] "All right, that's enough, roll 'em back up, sweetheart!" [imitates her rolling her breasts back up and sealing them in place.] The things that make you go [shudders]
- I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade. And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.
- I didn't get where I am today by worryin' about how I'd feel tomorrow.
- My wife's cooking's gotten a lot better since she learned the smoke alarm wasn't a timer. I had to tell her, "Honey, the food's done before that particular buzzer goes off!"
- I got happily married to a rich woman. If you ever have a choice, go ahead. Actually, she's not rich at all. Her parents are loooooaaaddddeeeed. And they hate my guuuuuuuuuuutttttsss. And I am waitng for them to diiiiiiiieeeeeeee. And you will know when they die, 'cause you will never see my fat ass again.
- I never had much of a vocabulary. In fact, my friend Bob Schneider would still be alive today if I'd known the difference between "antidote" and "anecdote". He got bitten by a copperhead, and I'm telling him funny stories out of Reader's Digest. His head started to swell, I said "This ain't working". He goes, "READ FASTER!!"
- I'm a dog lover. Actually, I love my dog, I don't give a shit about your dog. I don't know your dog. Your dog could be an asshole, I don't know.
- I like to keep the inside of the house between 70 and 75 degrees. My ex-wife liked to keep the inside of the house between 75 and a hundred and fuckin' ten. And you can't keep Tater Salad at that temperature.
- She and I got into another argument about the temperature of the dwelling and she took a butcher knife and slashed the tires on my truck. So I dug up an old Polaroid of her and entered it in Hustler's "Beaver Hunt" contest and she won. And I used the money to buy me some new tires, and she super-glues my dick to my stomach, so you see how things get out of hand? [scratches himself in the middle of the chest] Still itches.
- [imitating his cousin Ray] "Well, it was 4 in the mornin'. 22 degrees outside. 'Course, you weren't there...pussy. I'm in a camouflage deer blind, I got grease paint on my face, I had deer urine on my boots—I'm not sure why [as himself] I made that part up. [returns to imitating Ray] I've got a .30-06 rifle that can fire a bullet at 2500 feet per second. When that deer looked up to lick the salt lure I'd hung from the danged ol' tree, I caught him right above the eye." And I'm going, "Yeah? Well, I hit one with a van, goin' 55 miles an hour, with the headlights on and the horn blowin'!" Woo, that's an elusive little creature! If you ever miss one, it's because the bullet's moving too fast. I'll tell you what- slow the bullet down to 55 miles an hour, put some headlights and a little horn on it, the deer will actually jump in front of the bullet!
- One time, my wife said to me, [imitating his wife] "Honey, the dryer is broken." [as himself] Did you check the lint trap? [imitating his wife with a clueless face] Sit down, honey, I'll check it. [as his wife] "Was there anything in there?" [as himself] Just a quilt.
- I bought this big two-story custom van back when I was married. I forgot to tell you this, it was getting kinda cool, it had the James Bond couch in the back, when you push a button, the couch automatically turns into a bed, and I was like, "Well, that's cool." I finally got something over those Mercedes-Benz-driving in-laws of mine, you know what I mean? When I first bought the van, I was real proud of it. I took it straight over to my brother-in-law's house to show it off, 'cause he's such a prick. He takes one look at my new van and he goes [in snobbish accent] "I can't believe you didn't buy a Mercedes-Benz." They don't make a van. "Ron, I don't think you fully understand the intricacies of Mercedes-Benz engineering. Why, I got the three-inch windshield wiper that keeps my headlight clean in a rainstorm." I got a place to fuck your sister. I don't know why they didn't like me.
- Texas has the death penalty and we use it! That's right. You kill somebody in Texas, we will kill you right back! That's our policy!
- There is a piece of legislation floating around where if two people are witnesses to any murder you commit, you get executed right away. That means that if there are at least two credible eyewitnesses to a murder you committed, you don't wait on Death Row for 15 years, Jack! You go straight to the front of the line! Other states are trying to abolish the death penalty. My state's putting in the express lane.
- There was this one crime I read about that was so heinous, I didn't have any words for it. This guy had killed a girl, her mother, and her grandmother. I mean, I am so pissed off reading this, steam's coming out of my ears. This guy was put on trial and was found guilty and sentenced to death by a jury of his peers. Then, about a week before the execution, a group of people stood up on his behalf, ON HIS BEHALF, to say, "We can't kill him. He's too crazy to know we're killing him!"...So what are we arguing about? If he doesn't know the difference and it makes me sleep better at night...
- So we're trying to breed Sluggo and get pick of the litter, so we put him with the female dog for a week. And to make sure it takes, we take him to the vet and they do the artificial insemination, and now it don't take shit to get Sluggo to go to the vet! So the last time we go there, the lady says, "Mr. White, if you'll just come with me, I'll show you how to do this, so next time you don't have to bring the dog, you can just bring the sperm." And I'm like [laughing] "No, you go ahead and jack off the dog, he follows me around too much as it is." He'll be following me around like, "Jack me off! Jack me off! You did it once!" Do it yourself. "I don't have any thumbs. [sobbing] I don't have any goddamn thumbs! Now jack me off, you piece of shit!" [feigned shock] Do we talk to Daddy like that? "Please? Please, jack me off, you piece of shit, I don't have any goddamn thumbs."...I've lost my mind.
- My first marriage ended in divorce because my wife thought that I had cheated on her...and I did, and I'll tell you why. When you enter into a monogamous relationship with someone you agree to not have sex with anyone else, ever—for-fuckin'-ever—but...when that person decides they're not going to have sex altogether, you find yourself in quite a pickle. I was doing a show in Columbus, Ohio, and I haven't gotten laid in three months. THREE MONTHS! You can't go three months without having sex with me. I'll go have sex with somebody else. I know, I've seen me do it. After the show, this gorgeous woman comes up to me, about mid-thirties, long black dress, slit up to her waist, GORGEOUS. And she says to me, "I thought you were funny, I would like to buy you a drink." I was like, "Naw, I can't do that, I'm married." And she says, "I didn't ask if you wanted to fuck, big boy. I asked if you would like to come have a drink at my place."...Alright. Now, you know of that little guy that stands on your shoulder and reminds you of your prior commitments and moral fortitude? Well, I didn't hear a peep out of that guy. He hadn't been laid in 3 months, either. He was quiet for about 30 minutes then he went, "Suck her titty!" I'm like, "I was gonna!" I was having a 3-way with my conscience. 10 minutes after, he was right back at his post, saying, "That was wrong, mister!" I was like, "Hey! 15 minutes ago, you were beating off on my shoulder, monkey boy!" I hate him. He smokes pot. He burned a hole in my other jacket.
The Tater Salad Story
(This story is repeated in slightly different versions in the Blue Collar Comedy Tour DVD, the They Call Me "Tater Salad" DVD, and the Drunk in Public audio CD. This is the version as it appears in Blue Collar Comedy.)
- I got thrown out of a bar in New York City. Now when I say I got thrown out of a bar, I don't mean someone asked me to leave, and we walked to the door together, and I said, "Bye, everybody, I gotta go." Six bouncers hurled my ass out of a nightclub like I was a Frisbee. Those big ol' New York bouncers who thinks bouncing's a cool job. They just talk about bouncing. They get together with other bouncers and talk about bouncing. They go home and watch Roadhouse and beat off. [Retarded voice] "Patrick Swayze's hittin' another guy! [laughs stupidly]" for wearing a hat. I walk in a bar with a hat on; this guy, real pissy, goes "Take off the hat!" [proceeds to mock-flex, looking much like a gorilla] I'm like, "What's the deal?" "I'll tell you what the deal is- gay people in this area wear hats and we're trying to keep 'em out of our club." I was like, "Oh really? The only way we can tell down in Texas is if they have a haircut like...yours." And he got all pissed. Anyway, I took off the hat, and he walked away. About an hour later, I was drinking and I forgot. You ever forget? It happened to me. I put the hat back on, now, I'm between 6'1" and 6'6", depending on which convenience store I'm leaving, and I weigh about 235 lbs, and this guy is pokin' me on the shoulder with two fingers. He said, "That's it, you're outta here!" I said, "I don't think so, Scooter." I was wrong. They hurled me out of that night club, and then they decided to square off with me in the parking lot. But I backed down 'cause I didn't know how many of them it was going to take to whip my ass, but I knew how many they were going to use. That's a handy piece of information to have, right there.
- The cops were called 'cause we broke a chair on the way out and I refused to pay for it. I refused to pay for it because we broke it over my thigh. The cops showed up, and at that point, I had the right to remain silent — but I didn't have the ability. The cop was like, "Mr. White, you are being charged with drunk... in... publ-ic-kah!" I was like, "Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! I was drunk in a bar. They threw me into pub-lic. I don't want to be drunk in pub-lic, I want to be drunk in a bar, which is perfectly legal... arrest them!" They didn't arrest them. Instead, they had me do a field sobriety test. That's where you stand on 1 foot, raise the other foot 6" off the ground and count to 30. I made it to "wuh" (loses balance). "Is that gonna be close enough?" It wasn't close enough, so they call in for my arrest record. There's some good news! Satellites are linkin' up in outer space, computer banks at NASA are kickin' on, there's a telegraph in Fritch, Texas going (makes a long series of beeping noises, imitating Morse Code, pauses, takes a deep breath, and continues with the beeping) This part takes a while. (more beeping noises followed by a trilling Brrrrrrrrrrrrrp) Shorthand. (a pause) Beep
- Anyway, I told you that story to tell you this story. When I was 17, was arrested for being drunk... in... pub-lic. (Jeff Foxworthy says) There seems to be a pattern here. (Ron White continues) If you knew Morse Code, you'd already know that. And one DWI, which was a bogus charge because they were stopping everybody that was drivin' down that particular sidewalk... and that's profilin... and profilin' is wrong. On the drunk in public charge, the arresting officer, who I had literally known all my life, you know what I mean? This guy lived four doors down from me in a town of less than 400 people. We've met. Anyway, at the station, he asks me if I have any aliases. And I was just being a smartass and said, "Yeah, they call me... Tater Salad." Seventeen years later, I'm handcuffed to a bench with blood comin' out my nose, this cop comes up to me and says, "Are you Ron... 'Tater Salad' White?" You caught me! You caught the Tater! You can take down those roadblocks now.
You Can't Fix Stupid
- Let me tell you what I'm looking for in a fuckin' tree. I'm looking for a tree that you can tell is alive even if you don't know shit about trees.
- The next time you have a thought- let it go.
- I'm sweating scotch out of every pore in my body.
- You know, one of the most-asked questions I get on my website, tatersalad.com, is "How come you aren't more involved in Blue Collar Television?" You know, that's the show Jeff, Larry and Bill do... and I'll tell you why. It's because of my work ethic. My grandfather once said, "That boy's got a lot of quit in him," and that's true. Hell, the things I didn't quit, I got kicked out of. I got kicked off the high school debate team for saying "Yeah?! Well, fuck you!!" I thought I'd won. The other kid was speechless. I thought that was what we were tryin' to do.
- I didn't marry my wife for looks, and you shouldn't either. In a few years, if her boobs start to sag too much, there's a place you can go to and they'll lift 'em right back up to where they were. And you can point the nipple in any direction. Hell, you can go to a titty bar, pick out a set of titties and say "I want those titties on that woman right there." If she gets too fat and don't wanna work it off, you can get a tummy tuck. They'll give you a belly that looks like a cheerleader. If your eyesight starts to go bad, you can get Lasik surgery and they can give you 20/20 vision at any age. If your hearing starts to fail, they'll put a little device in your ear that makes you hear as good as when you were born. But let me tell you something folks- you can't fix stupid. There's not a pill you can take. There's not a class you can go to. Stupid is fo-evah.
- My manager will send me anywhere he wants to, 'cause he doesn't have to fuckin' go.
- My last stop was in Anchorage, Alaska, which is real handy and a great place to visit in February if you...if you get the chance. After that, I went to Fairbanks, Alaska, and my manager's prediction that there wouldn't be alot of snow in Fairbanks, Alaska in February was off by about seven and a half fucking FEET! THE most boring I have ever been in, sorry if you're from there. It is a bore-hole. And I was stranded there for THREE DAYS. Count 'em, one...Tick...[Pauses and looks at his watch]...Tock...Tick...Stranded there with the Eskimo people. Not a great looking group of folks. And I mentioned that onstage and they got pissed off. Now, I didn't insinuate that they didn't have any character, I just mentioned that they weren't attractive...I thought they knew. Guess I let some big cat out of the bag. Have you seen their teeth? They can make keys! Afterwards, I got this scathing letter from the head Eskimo, Frosty, or whatever the fuck his name was, and about halfway through the letter he would have me know that the Inuit tribe is one of the purest races on the planet and I was like, Well that's the point I'm trying to make. Nobody will have sex with these people. And then he would have me know that there are less and less Inuits every year, so I guess it is getting to the point where they won't even have sex with eachother!
- I was more fucked-up than Courtney Love at the Pamela Anderson Roast!
- I told him, "We're all gay, buddy. It's just to what extent are you gay." He says, "That's bullshit, man, I ain't gay at all!" I said, "Yes, you are and I'll prove it." He says, "Fine, prove it." I said to him, "All right- do you like porn?" He says, "Yeah, I love porn, you know that." I said, "Do you only watch two women together?" He said, "Naw, I watch a man and a woman make love." I said, "OK, do you want the guy to have a tiny, half-flaccid penis?" He said, "Naw, man, I like big, hard, throbbing co- (stunned pause) ...I did not know that about myself."
- I found out yesterday there really is a place called Bumfuck, Egypt. And the only way to get there is to go up Shit Creek.
- The Ayatollah of Iran died today and they're desperately trying to find the next Ayatollah. I suggested they pick that guy they just kicked out of the Oak Ridge Boys. Ayatollah Oom Papa Mow Mow!
- I got 2 Scottish Terriers because if you drink enough Johnny Walker products, eventually they'll just send you the dogs. And we got another 200 head of Scots on a little ranch in Wyoming. We got little monkey cowboys in hats and vests, riding Shetland ponies, and little toy guns...one of them's the sheriff. Cutest thing you ever saw. No, but I do have 2 little Scottish terriers and their names are Birdey and Bogey, and someone said to me, "Oh, that's cute, they're named after your golf game." I said, "No, if they were named after MY golf game, they would be called Double Bogey and Where The Fuck Is That Ball Going?...Which is kind of a long name for a pet.
Blue Collar Comedy Tour Rides Again
- I decided last week that there are too many support groups in this country; you need to pick your own self up and go, you know? I saw this commercial last week, and it was for a bladder control awareness group. I'm like, let me explain something to you. If you have a bladder control problem, you're probably aware of it. Or you're in some weird-ass denial I've never even heard of, you know? "Bob, I got a moisture problem in this area, and I don't know if it's condensation due to high humidity, or...or if I'm pissin' myself, Bob."
- Well, I'll tell you a little bit about myself, uh, my brother's a doctor and my sister's an attorney, and I hate Thanksgiving. Last year, we're, uh, sitting around the, uh, the dining room table, and uh, my brother tells a story about all the neat lives he's saved. My sister tells a story about winning a lawsuit for an orphanage to help the children. My mom goes, "Well, Ron? Is there anything new with your career?" And I go, "Yeah! I got a new bit about sticking my pecker in a toaster!" Maybe I shoulda told my story first.
- I like to start off by telling you some great news. I got approved for a new reality show. It's an extreme makeover show for middle-aged lesbians, called "This Old Bull-Dyke". We already have a sponsor too. Wolverine Steel-Toed Boots has picked it up. We had another title, but the censors nixed it. It was originally going to be called, "Pimp My Muff!"
- I am, uh, staying tonight, or this week, in the Hotel 1000, and I would like to talk for just a second about their toilets. They've got the best toilets ever, man. There amazing, you won't believe this if you've never seen one of these. Number one, the seat is heated. Now, that doesn't sound like a lot, but if you're used to a cold toilet seat and then you sit on a warm toilet seat, it's nice. It like relaxes your bowel muscles and kinda just helps you crap, you know? It's really nice. And thyen on the wall, there's somes buttons and one of them says Rear Cleansing, and one of them says Front Cleansing, and there's a diagram of a guy sitting on a toilet with a stream of water shooting up his ass. So I push a button...and all of a sudden, I'm that guy! I am. I am sitting on the toilet with a stream of water shooting up my ass, and it's amazing...how accurate this thing is. I don't know if everybody's butthole is in the exact same place, but this thing has got me dead cen-ter! And then there's another button below that button that says Oscillate, and I said, "Why NOT?" Now I have a rotating stream of water shooting up my ass, and it was at that moment that I realized that 50 million gay men can't be wrong! [audience cheers] I'm singing songs to this toilet, I'm in love! [singing] "I honestly love you..." My wife caught me spreading cake on my ass just so I could go wash it off. "Is that cake?!" "No, I gotta go to the bathroom...don't wait up."
- I'm gonna try telling you this story. This happened on Tuesday. I'm going home from PetSmart in the car with two dogs and the wife, and the my said, "I need to stop at the bank," and I say, "Shit," or whatever I say, because I don't go to the bank. Everybody knows that, I stay in the car with the dogs. My wife said, "I'll be, you know, 5 minutes," but there's absolutely no such thing as 5 minutes with this woman. And, uh, she goes in. And I know my dogs need to pee, and at our bank there's one piece of manicured lawn, that has two signs that both say "No Dogs"...So I take my dogs over there. This guy comes waddling out of the bank with a big scowl on his face and he says, "The sign says no dogs!" I'm said, "Well, the sign's wrong. The sign should say, 'two dogs'."
- I got in a little trouble. Did you guys hear anything about that? [audience cheers] I'll tell you what happened. I had two sold out shows in Fort Pierce, Florida and we were gonna land in Vero Beach, Florida. And I have an airplane that, um, you guys, uh...bought me. Thank you. Heh-heh. It's nice. It is really cool. And we land in Vero Beach, and where we land, I look out the window and there's three cops standing there. And, which is no big deal to me. Because cops love me, so do firemen. And a lot of times, I'll get a police escort from the airport to the venue, and this...wasn't one of those times. I got outta the plane and there was a cop there and he said, "Mr. White, we have been told there are drugs on this plane by an anonymous tip." I said, "There are absolutely no drugs on the plane." Now, I did have a bit of weed in my bag, but it's not on the plane, so technically I'm not lying to this guy. And, uh, you know, he goes, "Well, do you mind if we search the aircraft?" I said, "You absolutely can not search this aircraft unless you have probable cause," because I still have civil liberties, you know what I mean? [Audience cheers] I do. And they ask me, "Okay, we just wanna let the drug dog walk by it a couple times." I said, "Fine". And the drug dog walks by a couple times, and the guy goes, "Well, the dog gave us the signal that there are drugs on the plane". And I was like, "...No, he didn't! That dog didn't do anything, I was starting straight at it! He didn't wink, blink, woof, or paw. What's his signal, a blank stare? [Mimes a blank stare] That's all he did!" "Well, the dog says there's drugs on the plane," And I said, "Well I said there wasn't drugs on the plane. Who are you going to believe, me or the...Ah, fuck. Never mind, you know." Now I got a show to go to. They spend an hour and a half going through this plane. An hour and a half and I'm just sitting there going, "Oh, come on!" And they get finished of course, there is no drugs on the plane, and I knew there wasn't. And I assume now they're gonna let me go and I'll go do my show. And as I go, that's fine. Whatever. And, uh, then they go, "Well, now the dog needs to sniff that bag on your shoulder," and I was like, [Scooby Doo voice] "Ruh Roh!" They found 7/8 of a gram of marijuana in my bag. Now, when I have have 7/8 of a gram of marijuana, I consider myself to be...out of marijuana. That is no weed.
- They processed me through county jail. Now, for whatever reason, I had a bunch of cash on me. I'd been on the road for a while. And now they gotta count it in front of me, and this guy comes over and he goes. [redneck accent] "Hey, man, I'm gonna have to count that money and you're gonna have to watch". And I'm like [sarcastic] "Fuck, not you." This money is in banded $5,000 stacks and this guy picks one of them up and goes [slowly flipping each bill] "One Mississippi. Two--". He didn't really say Mississippi but he fuckin' could have. "Two Mississippi..." and I go, "You can't do it that way. It'll take forever. Just take the band off and start counting. One-two-three-four-five. When you get to 50, that's 5,000 and just start the next stack." And he goes, "That's a good idea". That's what he said. So he counts the second stack and he goes "Hey, buddy, wait a minute! Wait a minute! There's only 42 in this one." I said, "Oh, that's okay. Just get 8 more outta this one, put it in this one. Now you have two stacks of 50. That's $10,000. I'M TEACHING THIS MOTHER FUCKER HOW TO COUNT!
- I'm standing in line. I got a first class ticket. And I get up to the front of the line and there isn't anybody there. It's just a kiosk with a computer terminal. And I'm not good at computers. And I don't wanna touch this thing, 'cause it's got grease and dirt and what I only pray to Jesus is meringue.
- (About valet parking in Atlanta and parking the car himself) He jumped out of his truck and he gets militant. And he jumps in front of my Range Rover and puts his hands on the hood and he goes "Nobody parks their own car in this parking lot, I park the cars in this parking lot!" Well, I rolled down my window and very politely said..."Get out my fucking way!" [audience cheers] He goes "Nobody talks to me like that! You can't park your car in this parking lot!" And I said "FUCK YOU!". He goes "I'm calling the police. What's your first and last name?" "It's Fuck You. It's F-u-c-k CAPITAL Y-O-U! Fuck you, that's my name." He gets on his radio..and calls the Dalai Lama of all parking lot attendants, who calls squealing up in his little red truck. Apparently, they give 'em to 'em. He hopes outta the truck like he's gonna do something. He immediately recognizes me and you see this big "OH SHIT!" wash over his face.
- Pulitzer Price winning author Norman Mailer died last year at the age of 84 years old. For the last 60 years of this man's life, he drank to excess everyday. Uh, he was married six times. He smoked pot. He stabbed his second wife. And I've never read one of his books. But I gotta tell you...I'm a huge fan.
- We went out last and I got so drunk last night, I woke up this morning and somebody had shit my pants. I don't know who it was...but I know he likes corn...and cake. Corn cakes, I think he was eating.
- I got my wife breast implants for her birthday. I've never been a big fan of plastic surgery, but I gotta admit, I've had a lot of fun playing with these things. I haven't given them to her yet...[Audience cheers] I just keep 'em on my tour bus and just rub 'em in my face...I'm glad they clean up easy. [Audience groans] WHAT? I'm just glad they are not made out of corduroy, that's all I'm saying! I'd have to have 'em Scotchgarded. [imitates spraying Scotchgard on implants] I find it a little ironic that the product that I use to keep from ruining my sofa should spill my drink on it is actually called...Scotch-guard. [Audience cheers] Sometimes, things just work out perfect, don't they? "Yeah, I'm looking for a product that'll protect my sofa should I spill my Scotch on it. What'd ya have?" [imitates clerk turning around] "We've Scotch-guard." "Yeah, let's go with that. Do you have Vodka-guard? How about Sperm-guard? It's a busy couch.
- To the troops. [Audience cheers as he drinks scotch]
- We take the money we make from selling the rest of Florida to Israel, we buy Mexico, fix it up and flip it!
- My favorite byproduct of monogamy, it didn't even dawn on me that this would be the case. When I figured this out, I felt a huge weight just flutter off shoulders. And a lot of you guys might not realize this so this could be a big night of your life because I'm about to impart to you the most important thing I've ever learned. So, guys, I want you to open up your senses and really take this in. Don't waste this moment. Because here it comes...Ready? Here it comes...Guys, if you only have sex with your wife, you can't get caught. [Audience cheers. Makes a fluttering gesture with his hands on his shoulders] Feel it? Feel it? Nobody gives a rat's ass! Nobody's ever gonna kick in a bedroom door, "You motherfuck--Is that your ol' lady?" [Makes motions like he's having sex doggy-style and turns and looks over his shoulder, annoyed] I may be exaggerating that stroke just a little. [Makes motions again, but faster] But still a ferocious piece of ass. Although easily winded.
- My favorite place to have sex is on my tour bus, because if I can't quite have the wind to get her there, I can holler at that driver, "Pump the brakes!" [makes a sound like hitting the air brakes - chhh...chhh...chhh...] Faster! [chh! chh! chh! chh!] Thanks, Pat! Boy that Pat can fuck, can't he?
- Actually you can get caught having sex with your wife. My wife and I were going at it one time one afternoon and the house keeper walked in. Which is way better than the other way around. It happens the other way and you end up saying things like, "I'll pack my shit...when it stops burning!"
- I find a lot of comfort in having one sex partner. That is because she knows what I like and I know what she won't do.