Russell Brand

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Brand at the premiere for Arthur in 2011.

Russell Edward Brand (born June 4, 1975 in Grays, England) is an English stand-up comedian, radio DJ, television presenter, newspaper columnist, and sometime actor.


RE:Brand (2002)[edit]

  • You know, the relationships we 'ave, everything sort of bubbles under the surface. No one ever says what they actually mean, do they? It's all a bit pappy and rubbish.
    • Episode 1 - Dad Fight
  • BNP Member: Listen, you told us that you wanted to come up here to make a politically neutral documentary.
    Russell Brand: No, I can't be neutral mate it's too important, I'm not going to let you destroy my fucking planet!
  • BNP Member: I am proud to be white, and I am proud to be British.
    Brand: But you should find other things to be proud of mate.
    • Episode 2 - Nazi Boy

6 Music Show[edit]

  • When my dad left, you know, I'd give my mum hell sometimes, but really she's the one that stayed, isn't she? Poor cow, she didn't need that kind of aggravation.
  • I've looked right through the Bible, start to finish, looking for the bit saying 'Jesus was the mind behind Ikea', then there's no evidence to suggest this at all.
  • I saw a picture of Prince William, HRH William, in the paper today. He's going bald. I reckon by the end of next year he will be bald and I'm glad about that. Because of his playboy prince status and that, it makes me feel insecure about my own looks.
  • Karl Pilkington: And I was high up.
    Russell Brand: I'm picturing you as a sort of vigilante Batman figure, looking down over Salford, to see if there's any crimes.
    Karl Pilkington: And I was in my pants.
    Rusell Brand: Again, like a vigilante Batman figure.
  • The first time Tim Westwood did that chestbump to me, I ended up sort of cuddling his arm.
  • I don't like the idea of fruit being all turned on because of cream being poured on it. How then can you eat that fruit?
  • I like pressing that emergency button on bus doors to escape.
  • Russell Brand: What did you say?
    Trevor Lock: I just said 'ow'
    Russell Brand: Oh yeah, that cleared it up. He probably sank to his knees at that point and screamed 'There is no God!' You probably made him renounce the clergy. He probably went straight off after that and had it off with someone...
  • Matt Morgan: [To Russell] How have you developed pectoral muscles when you barely do anything for yourself?
    • BBC 6 Music Show - 27th August 2006

Big Brother's Big Mouth (2004-2007)[edit]

  • Charles Ingram's views are so pugnacious that when I heard them, I went back to ancient Arabia, sauntered into Aladdin’s cave, said "Open, sesame," perused all the treasures and trinkets until I got Aladdin's attention, pulled down my trousers and panties and forced a genie into my dinkle's peep hole and shouted, "Aladdin, rub the lamp! You'll get more than three wishes!" He said he wished I'd leave his cave.
  • Spiral's views are so enchanting that when I heard them, I cleared off to Australia, strolled up Ayres Rock to the meditating Aborigines, pulled down my trousers and pants, polished my dinkle 'til it was as stiff as a pipe, prised its end open and shouted, "Lads, who wants a blow of my didgeridoo?!" They said they faced this ignorance from the white man on an almost daily basis.

Shame [Live DVD] (2006)[edit]

  • [On a fabricated tabloid story]
    The Neptunian underworld king unleashed a barrage of eels from his abdomen and each of the eels was carrying a zippo lighter and as they flew by they spelt across the sky in fire 'Tara can a borrow your eyeliner please?' If you're gonna make stuff up go mental!
  • It's not really over. There's a little part of my brain that is:
'Russell, where are the opiates?'
- 'I'm afraid we can't have any more opiates..'
- 'You nearly killed me, didn't you?'

'Oh, that was just a joke!'

  • Hmm, wa'er! If, right, your body is 90% water what have you got to drink water all the time for? Why can't you just have some crisps?
  • [On chat-up lines]
    Well, stick around love, cos I've got worse. The worst being, simply, "Get in the van."

Friday Night with Jonathan Ross (2006)[edit]

  • It's like Kilroy only talking about Big Brother and there's no racism allowed.
    • Describing Big Brother's Big Mouth
  • Blimey! Thank God my jeans are this tight- you could wear me like a puppet!

Big Fat Quiz of the Year (2006)[edit]

  • Let's look beyond the divisions of football teams and look at the unifying force within our souls... SEX!
  • October... Is that when there's conkers?
  • The whole thing stinks, Carr!
  • Where's Guy?!
  • (after Noel Fielding has written "peep scarf" to describe a piece of muslim apparel) That's its proper name!

Big Fat Quiz of the Year (2007)[edit]

  • Should we stick with the Goth Detectives from when we won last year? Where's our trophy?

Doing Life [Live DVD] (2007)[edit]

  • I kat you?
  • So by being offended you've sorta acknowledged that you are thick, and none of us are, so we're all back on speaking terms!
  • You'd think, if you was me, you would think this and I am me, so I'm in a perfect position to offer conclusive evidence on that... innit like when you go away on holiday, you think 'oh yeah, I'd better go away on holiday, cheer myself up, get away from it all" but when you go on holiday, you're there, so it's shit!
  • so when I was staying with him, he went 'alright, okay, so what time do you go to bed then?' and I thought 'fucking hell! he doesn't know what he's doing!! SHIIIIIIT!!' I went 'oooh, about, 10 oclock?', 'ah yeah, alright then'. YEEEES!! it's like the same feeling that as an adult I would get walking through customs with heroin in my bottom. 'I'm getting away with iiiiit!

Radio One Interview, July 5th 2007[edit]

  • If you're going to use 'theatrical' and 'bent' in such close proximity, you're going to give people the wrong impression.
  • In an infinite universe; eternal time, why just do what people tell you? 'ave a laugh; do what you want.
  • If that's a euphemism - an egg and spoon race, - I'm probably gold medal class.
  • "Could you imagine a wand that was not camp? Could you imagine, for example, Ray Winstone, with a wand? (Impersonating him) 'RIGHT OK. IT'S A KIND OF MAGIC, SIT DOWN.' "
  • When asked what he puts on his hair: "Mostly orphans' tears, old clock parts, lizard's tails, spit, the concept of freedom; all up there, all shooshed up right nice and tight, like a bonfire that's never actually burned... it mutters follicular oddities into my mind."
  • "I emerged from the womb, right, I was wearing a top hat and I had a cane and said: 'Mother, that was an awkward and embarrassing birth. You should be ashamed of yourself dear. Now pull your nightie down; that doctor looks salacious.' Then I trotted off outside, met up with Kenneth Williams and we both had tea, and we looked down at our dinkles with disgust."

Brit Awards (2007)[edit]

  • Let's send actual love to Robbie Williams. Get well England's Rose. One day at a time old bean. Ooh, those bloody drugs!
  • What about the rumours David Cameron smoked drugs as a schoolboy? What worries me most is that he dressed up as a schoolboy to do it, the pervert. Though perhaps, let’s not condemn him regardless. Who among us didn’t smoke just a little bit of weed at school, just to take the edge off those irksome crack come-downs? Actually, as it turns out, it’s about as good an anti-drugs campaign as you’re going to get, don’t take drugs you might end up leader of the Tories with a face like a little painted egg.

Radio 2 Show (2007-2008)[edit]

  • I'm waiting for something worth waiting for.
  • Pin, pin!
  • Is it Paul Mccartney? Is it Jimmy Page? No, it's Noel Gallagher, they look the same age!
  • Noel Fielding's not in, Noel Gallagher's not in, I think the message is don't trust Noels! Noel Edmunds, deal or no deal? No deal Noel!
  • After the revolution we will be broadcasting constant messages into a microchip inside your brains. It's gonna be great!
  • I've got a migraine.
  • Noel Gallagher looks like a mum's mate.
  • I'll riverdance while that's happening, 'cause it seems to be what I naturally do anyway.
  • That diamond encrusted goat's skull is the height of good taste!
  • I'm genuinely and actually a bit like Jesus.
  • This is Hollywood, mate. People bring chihuahuas round!
  • Oh no, my brain is broken.
  • That's what keeps me alive, perversion and star quality.
  • I believe Finland's economy is based on Moomin juice.
  • Cilla Black: What are you like?
    Russell: A bit like Jesus but with an electric willy.
  • That's right middle America, I loves Jemus!
  • Matt Morgan: Have you been thinking about your religion/new order?
    Russell Brand: Yes I have actually Matt, and I've got a few more theories for it to make it absolutely watertight. We'll all be living on a nice island, vegetarians doing yoga and that. We'll get rid of ideas such as the nuclear family and like in African tribes the word 'mother' will mean all female members of the tribe and the word 'father' will mean all male members. There will be a lot of [wolf whistles] … and also we're not going to have no more currency, stuff like that, no brain-bending or mind-washing and we'll all be free to explore ourselves although there will be an age of consent and it'll be the same as usual so as people don't go 'Oh no...'.
    Matt Morgan: Pretty watertight, isn't it?
    Russell Brand: Pretty watertight so far Matt, I'd like to see a political theorist drive a bus through that. If so where did he get his licence? As we're in charge of issuing bus licences and they're not issued to possible dissenters, who are immediately killed on traitor's cove; one of the nicest parts of our island, decorated with all lovely corpses.
    • Radio 2 Show - 13th January 2007
  • I love the BBC, it's a gorgeous organisation and it's just 'cos it's got vaguely socialist state-run tendencies that people like bloody old Rupert Murdoch coat it off in the Sun, and it's gotta stop!
  • It's difficult to believe in yourself because the idea of self is an artificial construction. You are, in fact, part of the glorious oneness of the universe. Everything beautiful in the world is within you. No-one really feels self-confident deep down because it's an artificial idea. Really, people aren't that worried about what you're doing or what you're saying, so you can drift around the world relatively anonymously. You must not feel persecuted and examined. Liberate yourself from that idea that people are watching you.
  • I keep hearing in my head "you are the Messiah, you are the Messiah". I think there's something wrong with my headphones.
    • Radio 2 Show - 30th June 2007
  • New York is basically a new version of York. But York just got a cathedral...

Russell Brand - On The Road (2007)[edit]

  • I don't like doing anything that makes you sweat if you don't come at the end of it.

Russell Brand - Oxford[edit]

  • There's no shame in being second to Stephen Fry. Unless it's in a straight nose competition.

MTV Video Music Awards (2008)[edit]

  • Some people, I think they're called racists, say America is not ready for a black president. But, I know America to be a forward-thinking country, right, because otherwise, you know, would you have let that retarded cowboy fella be president for eight years? We were very impressed. We thought it was nice of you to let him have a go, because, in England, he wouldn't be trusted with a pair of scissors.
  • One minute, he's just a teenage lad in Alaska having joyful unprotected sex, the next minute: 'Get to the Republican Convention!' I think that is the best safe sex message of all time: 'Use a condom, or become Republican!'

Russell Brand - The Guardian (2013)[edit]

Russell Brand: my life without drugs

  • I see that dereliction can survive in opulence; the abundantly wealthy with destitution in their stare.

Russell Brand: what I made of Morning Joe and Question Time

  • More from acute awareness of Instant Karma's immediate sting than morality, I have learned to treat people apparently lacking power with cordiality.
  • It's the unreal, sustained glitch in naturalism that makes this genre of TV disturbing to either watch or be on. The Lynchian subjugation of our humanity; warmth and humour, usurped by a sterile, pastel-coloured steel blade benignly thrust again and again into a grey brain.
  • I wind up chatting to Melanie Phillips. Melanie is a columnist for the Daily Mail and is mostly known for her knee-jerk, right-wing, hang-em-high vitriol. In person, inconveniently, she is beautiful. Deep brown, soulful eyes, elegant features and a truthful, caring sincerity in her tone. It is surprising and bizarre, then, to see her contort on air into a taut, jabbing Gollum figure, untutored index finger fucking the audience in the face when they pipe up about Syria or whatever. Oddly, I still like her, regarding her opinions as an arbitrary appurtenance that she pops on in public, like a daft hat that says "Immigrants Out" on the brim. When the audience – who, incidentally, make all the best points – boo her, I think it a shame. The wall of condemnation is an audible confirmation that the world is a fearful and unloving place. Like most of us, Melanie just needs a cuddle.
  • Only Boris concerns me. When I used to watch Have I Got News For You, which as a kid I was proud to watch, full stop, I loved it when Boris Johnson came on. I didn't know who he was or what he did, I didn't think about it, I just liked him. I liked his voice, his manner, his name, his vocabulary, his self-effacing charm, humour and, of course, his hair. He has catwalk hair. Vogue cover hair, Rumplestiltskin spun it out of straw, straight-out-of-bed, drop-dead, gold-thread hair. He was always at ease with Deayton, Merton and Hislop, equal to their wit and always gave a great account of himself. "This bloke is cool," I thought. As I grew up I found out that he was an old Etonian, bully-boy, Spectator-editing Tory.
"That's weird," I thought. While I was busy becoming a world-class junkie, the man from HIGNFY became mayor. People like Boris Johnson; I like the HIGNFY Boris. He is the most popular politician in the country. Well, not in the country, on the television. There is a difference. Most people, of course, haven't met him, they've seen him on the telly. When I met Boris in his office, the nucleus of his dominion, I glanced at his library. Among the Wodehouses and the Euripides there were, of course, fierce economic tomes, capitalist manuals, bibles of domination. Eye-to-eye, the bumbling bonhomie appeared to be a lacquer of likability over a living obelisk of corporate power.
  • Boris Johnson is the most dangerous politician in Britain, precisely because of his charm. The politicians who want to move the party and our country further to the right want Boris. And well they might: he is the consummate televisual politician. Funny and likable, even when he errs it's cute, like a shaved Winnie the Pooh accidentally eating all the honey.
In this age where politics is presented as entertainment, it's the most entertaining politicians who ascend Russell Brand and the GQ awards: 'It's amazing how absurd it seems'
  • I could see the room dividing as I spoke. I could hear the laughter of some and louder still silence of others. I realised that for some people this was regarded as an event with import. The magazine, the sponsors and some of those in attendance saw it as a kind of ceremony that warranted respect. In effect, it is a corporate ritual, an alliance between a media organisation, GQ, and a commercial entity, Hugo Boss. What dawned on me as the night went on is that even in apparently frivolous conditions the establishment asserts control, and won't tolerate having that assertion challenged, even flippantly, by that most beautifully adept tool: comedy.
  • There is a relationship between government, media and industry that is evident even at this most spurious and superficial level. These three institutions support one another. We know that however cool a media outlet may purport to be, their primary loyalty is to their corporate backers. We know also that you cannot criticise the corporate backers openly without censorship and subsequent manipulation of this information.
  • We all know it, we already know all the important stuff, like: don't trust politicians, don't trust big business and don't trust the media. Trust your own heart and each other. When you take a breath and look away from the spectacle it's amazing how absurd it seems when you look back.

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